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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:03,868 I don't know about you guys, 2 00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:05,604 but I can't just get right back in the car 3 00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:06,939 after a "Law & Order" Fest. 4 00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:09,207 Too much adrenaline. Let's download. 5 00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:10,409 Best and worst. 6 00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:12,544 Best... meeting Bobby the Body, 7 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:15,413 the guy who played 19 different murder victims. 8 00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:17,015 Worst... finding out one of them 9 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,152 was the cocktail waitress I so publicly gushed over. 10 00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,286 [Dramatic tone plays] 11 00:00:21,288 --> 00:00:22,754 Wrong! Trick question. 12 00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:25,290 "Law & Order" Fest has no worst thing. 13 00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:27,091 It's all best. Hayley, best? 14 00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,493 I met Ice-T. 15 00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:29,962 Ooh! Great best. And best? 16 00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:32,564 Well, Ice-T and I bonded while waiting in line 17 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,699 for a Pulled Pork from the Headlines sandwich. 18 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,768 [Dramatic tone plays] 19 00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:37,569 Wrong! That's still just meeting Ice-T. 20 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:40,038 - That's one thing. - Well, we really connected. 21 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,707 I told him about my passion for women's rights, 22 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,110 and he confided in me that he's really good at sex. 23 00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:47,312 You wasted your fest. Check out what I got. 24 00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:50,783 A poster of every actor who played a judge on the show, 25 00:00:50,785 --> 00:00:51,984 signed by the three of them 26 00:00:51,986 --> 00:00:53,786 who now work at the convention center. 27 00:00:53,788 --> 00:00:55,520 That's just one thing, too. 28 00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:57,589 Of the 87 things I did. 29 00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,858 88 if you count stealing the clarinet 30 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,461 played in the opening credits, which I do. 31 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,796 [Clarinet note plays] 32 00:01:04,499 --> 00:01:07,532 I heard it! Play it again, you coward! 33 00:01:08,643 --> 00:01:10,535 I'm not a coward, Francine. 34 00:01:10,537 --> 00:01:13,472 Then let's blow it together, outlaw. 35 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,442 [Both moaning] 36 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,949 Every year. 37 00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:27,686 ?? 38 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,088 ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 39 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:34,026 ? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ? 40 00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:37,029 ? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ? 41 00:01:37,031 --> 00:01:41,766 ? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ? 42 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,568 ?? 43 00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:46,905 ? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ? 44 00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:49,441 - ? Good... ? - ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 45 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,576 Aah! 46 00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:55,047 ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 47 00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:57,249 ?? 48 00:01:57,251 --> 00:02:00,118 Isn't it funny how some days there's no mail, 49 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,587 and other days, there's a whole bunch? 50 00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:08,126 [Laughing uncontrollably] 51 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,662 Stan, are you being mean to me right now? 52 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,731 I don't know, Francine, that's not for me to judge. 53 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,066 The Census form! 54 00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:16,268 ? It's here, it's here, I've waited 10 years ? 55 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,936 ? The Census is finally here ? 56 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,004 ? Throw up a window and let out a cheer ? 57 00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:21,874 ? And now my family sings ? 58 00:02:22,677 --> 00:02:25,610 Really? You guys aren't gonna sing the Census song? 59 00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:27,145 Aren't you excited about the Census? 60 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:31,083 I think Steve has forgotten what the "Stensus" even is. 61 00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:32,484 Oh, boy. 62 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,486 Well, do you want to explain it to him, or should I? 63 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:38,022 You better do it, Stan. I'm too upset with this one. 64 00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:40,693 Every 10 years, America takes off its shirt 65 00:02:40,695 --> 00:02:44,563 and flexes its muscles to show the world how swole it is. 66 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:47,165 Stan, Hayley seems a bit confused. 67 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,234 Let's step that out a bit for her. 68 00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:52,437 The Census is about counting how many people live in America. 69 00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,372 The number of people, Hayley. 70 00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:56,641 The United States has the biggest population 71 00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:58,243 of any country in the Western world. 72 00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:01,113 The Western world, Hayley. Look it up. 73 00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:04,583 And every 10 years, we find out how big we are. 74 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,318 Then we rub it in everyone's face. 75 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,587 Stan, you seem really passionate. 76 00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,388 You're reading me correctly, Francine. 77 00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:13,191 So you probably already realize I'm gonna be an enumerator. 78 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,594 Oh, those are the people that go door to door 79 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:16,729 and do the counting, right? 80 00:03:16,731 --> 00:03:20,064 People? No! They're heroes, patriots. 81 00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:22,134 Enumerators are the best of the best, 82 00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:24,603 the only ones who truly earn the right 83 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,204 to call themselves "top gun." 84 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,673 Okay, but to be clear, this is a job, right? 85 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:29,942 Because I could use a job. 86 00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:33,878 Yeah, it's a job for motivated individuals like myself. 87 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,148 Not for lazy Hayleys like you. 88 00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:38,350 You spent six hours at a "Law & Order" Fest 89 00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,685 and only counted one person... Ice-T. 90 00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,154 I wasn't trying to count people. 91 00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:44,289 [Mockingly] "I wasn't trying to count people." 92 00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:46,358 Do you think that's something an enumerator 93 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,892 has ever said in their life? No! 94 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,227 Narrator: All right, Dadders, 95 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,563 we learned a lot of stuff in this scene. 96 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,632 I hope you were taking detailed notes 97 00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:55,167 'cause this is a pop quiz! 98 00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:58,303 Who is excited about counting people? 99 00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:00,104 Is it "A," Stan, 100 00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:01,306 "B," the mom, 101 00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:02,975 "C," little glasses guy, 102 00:04:02,977 --> 00:04:06,512 or "D," the lady Stan's been arguing with? 103 00:04:08,466 --> 00:04:11,334 What? What? 104 00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:14,737 It's just I never noticed it before, Steve, 105 00:04:14,739 --> 00:04:18,074 but you have incredible bone structure. 106 00:04:18,076 --> 00:04:19,876 Klaus! 107 00:04:19,878 --> 00:04:22,212 You're making me turn shy. 108 00:04:22,214 --> 00:04:25,215 I'm just trying to pass through the living room. 109 00:04:25,217 --> 00:04:27,884 Sorry, but I've been looking at everything differently 110 00:04:27,886 --> 00:04:30,620 since my uncle died and left me his Hasselblad camera. 111 00:04:30,622 --> 00:04:34,957 Would you be interested in modeling for me? 112 00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:37,828 Modeling for you? I don't know. 113 00:04:37,830 --> 00:04:39,696 It was my only uncle, Steve. 114 00:04:39,698 --> 00:04:43,165 And the odds of my grandparents crapping out a new uncle 115 00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:44,701 are pretty low at this point. 116 00:04:44,703 --> 00:04:47,904 Do you think I could just take a few shots of you 117 00:04:47,906 --> 00:04:49,239 with his camera? 118 00:04:49,241 --> 00:04:50,640 I guess. 119 00:04:50,642 --> 00:04:53,175 Great! Snot and the boys are also in. 120 00:04:53,177 --> 00:04:55,177 You spoke to my friends without me? 121 00:04:55,179 --> 00:04:56,779 Yeah, at Toshi's birthday party. 122 00:04:56,781 --> 00:04:57,914 Not the one you went to. 123 00:04:57,916 --> 00:05:00,116 The more exclusive one at Benihana. 124 00:05:00,118 --> 00:05:03,320 Our parents dropped us off, and we paid the check ourselves. 125 00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:10,192 Wow, we even completed a Census right after World War I. 126 00:05:10,194 --> 00:05:11,527 Gosh, when the war ends, 127 00:05:11,529 --> 00:05:13,596 you think you're done being a hero. 128 00:05:13,598 --> 00:05:15,798 Francine would probably want to know this. 129 00:05:16,765 --> 00:05:17,863 Don't touch me. 130 00:05:17,898 --> 00:05:19,602 But it's about the Census, Francine! 131 00:05:19,604 --> 00:05:22,472 Everything's about your stupid Census! 132 00:05:22,474 --> 00:05:26,409 Stan, your enumerator training starts tomorrow. 133 00:05:26,411 --> 00:05:29,079 Put down your pamphlet and go to sleep. 134 00:05:29,081 --> 00:05:31,348 You're right, you're right. 135 00:05:40,092 --> 00:05:41,424 You know what? 136 00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:43,693 I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick. 137 00:05:43,695 --> 00:05:48,298 Famous Census alumni. Whoa, Sidney Poitier? 138 00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:50,500 Guess who's counting two dinners? 139 00:05:50,502 --> 00:05:52,969 Francine, did you hear that one? 140 00:05:52,971 --> 00:05:55,772 Roger: I heard, Stan! The attic loved it! 141 00:05:59,377 --> 00:06:01,511 Through this door, 142 00:06:01,513 --> 00:06:04,781 giants, square jaws, stiff collars, 143 00:06:04,783 --> 00:06:07,117 brave hearts pumping thick red blood 144 00:06:07,119 --> 00:06:08,785 through strong American veins. 145 00:06:08,787 --> 00:06:11,922 God, I'm getting a boner. They'll understand, though. 146 00:06:11,924 --> 00:06:14,124 They'll see it as a sign of respect. 147 00:06:14,126 --> 00:06:15,792 Whoo! 148 00:06:15,794 --> 00:06:17,594 Enumerators! 149 00:06:17,596 --> 00:06:18,861 Mount up! 150 00:06:19,550 --> 00:06:20,797 What is this? What am I looking at here? 151 00:06:20,799 --> 00:06:22,865 Stan, you're here for the Census? 152 00:06:24,185 --> 00:06:25,401 Yeah, did it switch rooms? 153 00:06:25,403 --> 00:06:27,403 No, you're in the right place. 154 00:06:27,405 --> 00:06:30,873 Hey, get this. I'm the foreman! 155 00:06:30,875 --> 00:06:34,811 That means I'm in charge. Me! Tuttle! 156 00:06:34,813 --> 00:06:38,615 But Census enumerators are... are hard-charging broncos. 157 00:06:38,617 --> 00:06:41,684 All these people, they're losers. 158 00:06:41,686 --> 00:06:44,420 That woman's wearing a sweatshirt with a wolf on it. 159 00:06:44,422 --> 00:06:45,956 How's she gonna count America? 160 00:06:45,958 --> 00:06:48,825 Do I see a bald man with a ponytail? 161 00:06:48,827 --> 00:06:50,160 I don't get it either. 162 00:06:50,162 --> 00:06:51,894 This is a disaster! 163 00:06:52,590 --> 00:06:54,430 This guy? Look at her. 164 00:06:54,432 --> 00:06:56,166 Him? And I hate to do this, 165 00:06:56,168 --> 00:06:58,034 but I got to double back to my boy! 166 00:06:58,036 --> 00:07:01,037 Guess I'm just gonna have to count everyone myself. 167 00:07:01,039 --> 00:07:02,905 Hayley: Just the ones I don't get to, chump. 168 00:07:02,907 --> 00:07:06,309 That's right. Lazy Hayley joined the Census, 169 00:07:06,311 --> 00:07:08,711 and now she's gonna crank some numbers. 170 00:07:08,713 --> 00:07:11,514 Yeah, right. You're gonna... crank numbers? 171 00:07:11,516 --> 00:07:13,249 That sounds really cool. 172 00:07:13,251 --> 00:07:15,518 I wish... I wish I said that. 173 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:16,987 I did say it. 174 00:07:16,989 --> 00:07:18,254 Wow. 175 00:07:18,256 --> 00:07:20,390 I'm the one who's gonna crank numbers. 176 00:07:20,392 --> 00:07:22,792 You're not gonna crank shit, old man. 177 00:07:22,794 --> 00:07:24,126 Old man? 178 00:07:24,128 --> 00:07:25,395 Oh, ho, ho. 179 00:07:25,397 --> 00:07:27,397 I'm gonna crank all sorts of numbers. 180 00:07:27,399 --> 00:07:29,465 Yeah? Well, I'm gonna crank your whole world. 181 00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:31,467 I'm gonna crank it up, I'm gonna crank it down. 182 00:07:31,469 --> 00:07:32,869 I'm gonna crank it all around. 183 00:07:32,871 --> 00:07:34,404 I'm gonna roast you for Cranksgiving dinner 184 00:07:34,406 --> 00:07:36,138 and then roll right into Christmas with the Cranks! 185 00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:38,208 Not gonna matter 'cause I'm the New York Crankees. 186 00:07:38,210 --> 00:07:39,342 I'm Crank Aaron. 187 00:07:39,344 --> 00:07:40,343 I'm Crank Azaria. 188 00:07:40,345 --> 00:07:41,411 I'm Cranklin and Bash. 189 00:07:41,413 --> 00:07:42,879 "Franklin & Bash" was canceled. 190 00:07:42,881 --> 00:07:43,680 That's disappointing. 191 00:07:43,682 --> 00:07:44,881 I know, I really liked it. 192 00:07:47,377 --> 00:07:49,176 - You shouldn't be here. - You're just scared 193 00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:51,245 because I'm gonna count so many more people than you. 194 00:07:51,247 --> 00:07:53,514 Please. You couldn't even count as many 195 00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:55,849 as this lobotomized half-wit Jim here. 196 00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,386 Jim, can you believe what I have to deal with here? 197 00:07:58,388 --> 00:07:59,853 Jim, I've been calling you "Jim." 198 00:07:59,855 --> 00:08:01,122 Is that... Is that your name, Jim? 199 00:08:01,124 --> 00:08:02,790 Now listen up. 200 00:08:02,792 --> 00:08:05,659 During a Census, things can get pretty hot and heavy 201 00:08:05,661 --> 00:08:07,061 out on the streets. 202 00:08:07,063 --> 00:08:09,863 Beautiful Americans will be throwing themselves at you. 203 00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:12,065 Now, I'm not saying don't get your rocks off, 204 00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:14,068 but here's a little piece of advice 205 00:08:14,070 --> 00:08:16,137 I wish someone had given me, Tuttle, 206 00:08:16,139 --> 00:08:19,273 before I juiced an entire city block. 207 00:08:19,275 --> 00:08:23,076 Do not fall in love. 208 00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:25,813 [Door creaks] 209 00:08:25,815 --> 00:08:27,615 [Sighs] Great. 210 00:08:27,617 --> 00:08:29,617 Look what you dragged in with you, Hayley. 211 00:08:29,619 --> 00:08:30,684 Hello. 212 00:08:30,686 --> 00:08:32,553 My doctor recommended I volunteer 213 00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:35,423 to get over my crippling social anxiety. 214 00:08:35,425 --> 00:08:36,958 How's my eye contact? 215 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,526 Stan: Sit down! 216 00:08:41,431 --> 00:08:44,298 So, what are... what are you, like a "Rain Man" shy guy? 217 00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:45,633 Some kind of "Lovely Bones"? 218 00:08:45,635 --> 00:08:46,968 Or are you just giving Jim here 219 00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:48,970 a run for his money for troglodyte of the year? 220 00:08:48,972 --> 00:08:51,439 [Chuckles] You better go tell the other bog people 221 00:08:51,441 --> 00:08:53,907 there's a new king of the creeps in town, huh? 222 00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:56,043 Jimbo! [Laughs] 223 00:08:56,045 --> 00:08:58,446 [Pop music plays] 224 00:08:58,448 --> 00:08:59,981 Remember, gentlemen. 225 00:08:59,983 --> 00:09:02,916 These pictures are to honor my late uncle's incredible life. 226 00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:04,918 Klaus, why are we dressed like flowers? 227 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,388 Because you're in a flower pot, baby. 228 00:09:07,390 --> 00:09:09,791 Doesn't some lady already take photos like this, 229 00:09:09,793 --> 00:09:10,724 but with babies? 230 00:09:10,726 --> 00:09:12,726 Are you referring to Anne Geddes? 231 00:09:12,728 --> 00:09:14,996 Never heard of her, and models don't talk! 232 00:09:14,998 --> 00:09:16,464 [Snaps fingers] 233 00:09:16,466 --> 00:09:18,732 About that, when you said models, 234 00:09:18,734 --> 00:09:20,534 we thought you meant something cool 235 00:09:20,536 --> 00:09:22,536 like Abercrombie or Stussy. 236 00:09:22,538 --> 00:09:24,205 Or model airplanes. 237 00:09:24,207 --> 00:09:25,339 [Gasps] 238 00:09:25,341 --> 00:09:26,874 Do you see this, Jurgen? 239 00:09:26,876 --> 00:09:28,342 Yeah. 240 00:09:28,344 --> 00:09:31,145 Uh, you know what? Everyone get out. Take five. 241 00:09:31,147 --> 00:09:32,680 Finally. Thank you. 242 00:09:32,682 --> 00:09:34,215 - Except Barry. - Wait, what? 243 00:09:34,217 --> 00:09:36,618 All non-essentials please clear frame. 244 00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:41,889 Now, Barry, do you know what "Barry" is short for? 245 00:09:41,891 --> 00:09:44,038 Barracuda, baby! 246 00:09:44,073 --> 00:09:46,560 Now bite me like the scary fish you are! 247 00:09:46,562 --> 00:09:47,729 [Camera shutter clicking] 248 00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:48,963 _ 249 00:09:48,964 --> 00:09:51,499 Okay, we're gonna run a little training exercise 250 00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:53,434 to learn how to fill out forms. 251 00:09:53,913 --> 00:09:57,371 Hayley, why don't you knock on this citizen's door? 252 00:09:57,373 --> 00:09:58,840 Knock, knock. 253 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,510 There's someone at your door, Mr. Taffarelli. 254 00:10:02,512 --> 00:10:04,245 But I don't know who it is. 255 00:10:04,247 --> 00:10:06,380 Maybe look who it is. 256 00:10:07,375 --> 00:10:08,582 It's a girl. 257 00:10:08,584 --> 00:10:11,219 I'm gonna slide some taffy through the doggy door. 258 00:10:13,256 --> 00:10:14,489 Enough! 259 00:10:15,725 --> 00:10:16,924 [Grunts] One! 260 00:10:16,926 --> 00:10:19,327 That's how you count people. Training's over. 261 00:10:19,329 --> 00:10:21,262 [Robot voice] Initiate people-counting robot. 262 00:10:21,264 --> 00:10:22,730 No count Jim. 263 00:10:22,732 --> 00:10:25,199 Jim equals subhuman garbage. 264 00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:28,469 Lighten up, Jim. Just a robot joke. 265 00:10:28,471 --> 00:10:30,872 [Normal voice] You should be dead, Jim. 266 00:10:30,874 --> 00:10:32,073 [Doorbell rings] 267 00:10:32,075 --> 00:10:33,274 [Pen clicks] 268 00:10:33,276 --> 00:10:34,475 How many people live here? 269 00:10:34,477 --> 00:10:36,277 - Me and my mom. - So two. 270 00:10:36,279 --> 00:10:37,411 - My dad... - Three. 271 00:10:37,413 --> 00:10:38,479 - ...died. - Two. 272 00:10:38,481 --> 00:10:40,281 You wasted my time a little bit. 273 00:10:40,283 --> 00:10:41,815 Hi, I'm with the U.S. Census. 274 00:10:41,817 --> 00:10:43,484 I just need a brief moment of your time. 275 00:10:43,486 --> 00:10:46,019 Of course. Come on in. 276 00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:48,089 I was just about to make some tea. 277 00:10:48,091 --> 00:10:49,156 I really can't. 278 00:10:49,158 --> 00:10:50,758 I have a lot of houses to get to. 279 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,395 I have some ancient Clamatos I've been saving. 280 00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:59,366 My name... is Wilbur. 281 00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:01,703 Kentucky. 282 00:11:01,705 --> 00:11:03,437 Roger? 283 00:11:03,439 --> 00:11:05,439 [Gulping] 284 00:11:05,441 --> 00:11:09,110 Wow. You're really packing away this Clamato. 285 00:11:09,112 --> 00:11:10,844 Oh, yeah. So, it's just you 286 00:11:10,846 --> 00:11:13,180 living in this beautiful old house? 287 00:11:13,182 --> 00:11:15,769 Yep. Lived here 40 years. 288 00:11:15,804 --> 00:11:18,119 Seen a lot of people come and go. 289 00:11:18,121 --> 00:11:19,921 You know, I could use some help. 290 00:11:19,923 --> 00:11:22,656 I knocked on the house two doors down, but no one answered. 291 00:11:22,658 --> 00:11:24,858 Oh, that's Shelly Vernicheck. 292 00:11:24,860 --> 00:11:26,327 Sad, really. 293 00:11:26,329 --> 00:11:28,930 Husband up and left her years ago. 294 00:11:28,932 --> 00:11:33,667 Now she sits at home playing solitaire on her iPad. 295 00:11:33,669 --> 00:11:35,937 She's internationally ranked 296 00:11:35,939 --> 00:11:40,207 as one of the loneliest women in the world. 297 00:11:40,209 --> 00:11:41,709 Biscotti? 298 00:11:43,346 --> 00:11:45,279 Oh, hey, Hayley. 299 00:11:45,281 --> 00:11:48,149 Quick update. I'm just leaving my 15th house. 300 00:11:48,151 --> 00:11:49,751 Probably a record... Googled it. 301 00:11:49,753 --> 00:11:51,819 But seems like people might not be keeping records, 302 00:11:51,821 --> 00:11:54,555 but safe to say my pace is historic. 303 00:11:54,557 --> 00:11:57,291 Wow, that's a lot. 304 00:11:57,293 --> 00:11:59,026 I spent all morning at one house. 305 00:11:59,028 --> 00:12:00,561 Ha! No surprise. 306 00:12:00,563 --> 00:12:04,365 My slug of a daughter slowly sliming her way around town. 307 00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:06,033 - Where... - Don't touch salt. 308 00:12:06,035 --> 00:12:08,636 ...I met a nice woman named Phyllis 309 00:12:08,638 --> 00:12:11,205 who gave me 20 other houses. 310 00:12:14,577 --> 00:12:16,577 Whoa! That house looks cool. 311 00:12:16,579 --> 00:12:18,912 Cool because I haven't counted it yet. 312 00:12:19,527 --> 00:12:22,716 [Laughs] I'ma count a bunch of mother[bleep] in here. 313 00:12:22,718 --> 00:12:24,918 [Doorbell rings] 314 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,253 [Door creaks] 315 00:12:26,255 --> 00:12:29,523 Stan Smith, Census enumerator. Prepare to be counted. 316 00:12:29,525 --> 00:12:31,225 [Grunts] 317 00:12:40,764 --> 00:12:41,830 Hey, Mr. Tuttle. 318 00:12:41,832 --> 00:12:43,165 Here are my forms from yesterday. 319 00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:44,900 I got 25 houses. 320 00:12:44,902 --> 00:12:47,035 25? Wow! 321 00:12:47,037 --> 00:12:48,704 That's the best anybody did. 322 00:12:48,706 --> 00:12:50,196 So I beat my dad? 323 00:12:50,231 --> 00:12:52,308 Yeah. By 25, to be exact. 324 00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:53,909 [Laughs] I'm being playful. 325 00:12:53,911 --> 00:12:56,244 He didn't turn anything in. Never even came back. 326 00:12:56,246 --> 00:12:58,780 And he wasn't at home. Weird. 327 00:12:58,782 --> 00:13:01,650 What's weird is that I've been rocking in the corner 328 00:13:01,652 --> 00:13:03,785 for six hours and no one's said a word to me. 329 00:13:03,787 --> 00:13:05,721 Well, when we try to talk to you, 330 00:13:05,723 --> 00:13:08,790 you just start screaming and punching yourself in the... 331 00:13:08,792 --> 00:13:11,861 [Screaming] 332 00:13:13,463 --> 00:13:15,597 [Groans] Where am I? 333 00:13:15,599 --> 00:13:17,199 In the pit! 334 00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:18,934 Are we prisoners here? 335 00:13:18,936 --> 00:13:19,935 Yep! 336 00:13:19,937 --> 00:13:24,140 [Dramatic tones play] 337 00:13:24,142 --> 00:13:26,842 My name's Kevin! Let me give you the tour. 338 00:13:27,878 --> 00:13:30,612 Okay, did you look everywhere I looked? 339 00:13:30,614 --> 00:13:32,614 Then you must've seen this handsome gent. 340 00:13:32,616 --> 00:13:36,084 That's Robbie, and you just missed Rich and Carl. 341 00:13:36,771 --> 00:13:38,354 Robbie's grumpy 'cause we have to poop 342 00:13:38,356 --> 00:13:40,222 in that smaller pit over there, 343 00:13:40,224 --> 00:13:44,360 but I stay positive, probably 'cause this isn't my first pit. 344 00:13:44,362 --> 00:13:46,762 I was imprisoned in Madison, Indiana, once. 345 00:13:46,764 --> 00:13:49,497 Beautiful Craftsman, huge porch. 346 00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:51,433 Of course I wasn't allowed up on the porch, 347 00:13:51,435 --> 00:13:53,369 but I saw it when I was carried out in a blanket. 348 00:13:53,371 --> 00:13:54,770 Who did this to you? 349 00:13:54,772 --> 00:13:56,536 That would be the master. 350 00:13:56,571 --> 00:13:57,505 Who's the master? 351 00:13:57,507 --> 00:14:00,842 The master's the psycho who just skinned Rich and Carl. 352 00:14:00,844 --> 00:14:01,643 Skinned? 353 00:14:01,645 --> 00:14:03,601 Same way we're gonna be. 354 00:14:03,636 --> 00:14:07,190 Robbie, don't you realize when you're at the bottom of a pit, 355 00:14:07,225 --> 00:14:09,651 there's nowhere to go... except for the punishment shed... 356 00:14:09,653 --> 00:14:10,919 but up? 357 00:14:10,921 --> 00:14:12,187 [Pop music plays] 358 00:14:12,189 --> 00:14:13,922 Klaus: Yes, yes, Barry! 359 00:14:13,924 --> 00:14:15,791 You're a delicious cabbage. 360 00:14:15,793 --> 00:14:16,925 Mmm-mmm-mmm! 361 00:14:16,927 --> 00:14:19,327 I want to ferment you and make kimchi! 362 00:14:20,130 --> 00:14:22,865 Not to sound catty, but don't you hate the way Barry looks? 363 00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:25,201 Yeah, he's our ugliest friend, easy. 364 00:14:25,203 --> 00:14:27,335 I want to shred you up real good 365 00:14:27,337 --> 00:14:29,605 and spread you over some fish tacos. 366 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:32,208 Is there anything you can't be? 367 00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:34,209 I don't know. A carrot? 368 00:14:34,211 --> 00:14:36,879 Are you kidding me? You would be the best carrot. 369 00:14:36,881 --> 00:14:39,281 Steve, get out of that carrot costume! 370 00:14:39,283 --> 00:14:41,083 Kiss-ass bitch. 371 00:14:41,085 --> 00:14:42,684 Surprised Barry can even talk 372 00:14:42,686 --> 00:14:45,754 with Klaus' [bleep] in his mouth. 373 00:14:45,756 --> 00:14:48,624 I'm so sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for my dad. 374 00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:51,226 He was out late last night working in the area, 375 00:14:51,228 --> 00:14:52,360 and he never came home. 376 00:14:52,362 --> 00:14:53,495 Never seen him before. 377 00:14:53,497 --> 00:14:55,564 Hmm. Maybe your wife has? 378 00:14:55,566 --> 00:14:58,500 Maybe my husband has. 379 00:14:58,502 --> 00:15:00,702 Of course. Could I speak with him? 380 00:15:00,704 --> 00:15:04,306 I wish! He just up and left me a month ago, not even a note. 381 00:15:04,308 --> 00:15:07,910 God, did you have to bring him up?! 382 00:15:07,912 --> 00:15:10,512 Husband just up and left. 383 00:15:10,514 --> 00:15:12,380 Like Shelly Vernicheck! 384 00:15:12,382 --> 00:15:14,316 Oh, glad you're excited. 385 00:15:14,318 --> 00:15:17,453 Well, every day is agony for me! 386 00:15:17,455 --> 00:15:19,121 I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean... 387 00:15:19,123 --> 00:15:21,990 Oh, don't you dare pity me. 388 00:15:21,992 --> 00:15:25,727 I'll show you! I'll find another man! 389 00:15:25,729 --> 00:15:29,064 I haven't even begun looking in earnest, but guess what... 390 00:15:29,066 --> 00:15:31,467 Now it begins! 391 00:15:31,469 --> 00:15:34,402 I am going to have sex tonight 392 00:15:34,404 --> 00:15:38,474 on the outdoor dance floor at the Blue Rooster! 393 00:15:38,476 --> 00:15:41,143 Next to the smoking area. 394 00:15:41,145 --> 00:15:42,878 [Laughs maniacally] 395 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,147 I'm back, baby! 396 00:15:45,149 --> 00:15:48,484 ?? 397 00:15:48,486 --> 00:15:51,820 ?? 398 00:15:51,822 --> 00:15:54,490 It's not just Shelly Vernicheck. 399 00:15:54,492 --> 00:15:56,825 Lots of the women, and men, 400 00:15:56,827 --> 00:15:59,094 I talked to have had their husbands go missing. 401 00:15:59,096 --> 00:16:01,096 - [Dramatic tone plays] - _ 402 00:16:01,098 --> 00:16:04,366 I did think it was strange when Jasper left. 403 00:16:04,368 --> 00:16:05,901 We were best friends. 404 00:16:05,903 --> 00:16:07,970 I thought he would've at least left a note. 405 00:16:07,972 --> 00:16:09,171 Ma'am, ma'am? 406 00:16:09,173 --> 00:16:11,640 You know, you should talk to Darlene McKinnon. 407 00:16:11,642 --> 00:16:13,442 Same thing happened to her. 408 00:16:14,444 --> 00:16:16,845 Man, first Jasper, now this. 409 00:16:16,847 --> 00:16:19,315 The hits just keep on coming. 410 00:16:19,317 --> 00:16:21,449 - [Dramatic tone plays] - _ 411 00:16:21,451 --> 00:16:24,252 Yeah, that S.O.B. up and left me, so what? 412 00:16:24,254 --> 00:16:26,788 Just gives me more time to golf anyway. 413 00:16:26,790 --> 00:16:30,058 I'm a lady golfer. That is what I enjoy doing. 414 00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:33,595 By the way, same thing happened to my buddy Joanne Graves. 415 00:16:33,597 --> 00:16:35,597 She lives at 20 Poplar Avenue. 416 00:16:35,599 --> 00:16:39,535 Usually gets home around, uh, 2:46 p.m. 417 00:16:39,537 --> 00:16:41,804 - [Dramatic tone plays] - _ 418 00:16:42,873 --> 00:16:44,272 [Brakes squeal] 419 00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:45,807 - Excuse me. - Aah! 420 00:16:45,809 --> 00:16:46,942 Did your husband leave you? 421 00:16:46,944 --> 00:16:48,877 Yes, why? Do you know something? 422 00:16:48,879 --> 00:16:50,546 Have you heard from him?! 423 00:16:50,548 --> 00:16:53,482 Sorry, I can't talk. I have to go put a pin in a map. 424 00:16:55,353 --> 00:16:59,821 There's a pattern here. But what? 425 00:16:59,823 --> 00:17:01,557 Must be a pretty special house 426 00:17:01,559 --> 00:17:04,159 to have all those arrows pointing at it. 427 00:17:04,161 --> 00:17:05,894 [Gasps] 428 00:17:05,896 --> 00:17:08,430 You know, your father shaves his pubic hair 429 00:17:08,432 --> 00:17:09,831 in the shape of an arrow. 430 00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:11,833 Oh, I did it again. 431 00:17:11,835 --> 00:17:14,970 I said something helpful, and I went past it. 432 00:17:14,972 --> 00:17:16,638 [Knock on door] 433 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,506 What can you tell me about that house? 434 00:17:18,508 --> 00:17:19,575 Which house? 435 00:17:19,577 --> 00:17:21,177 That weird house on the hill. 436 00:17:21,179 --> 00:17:23,311 My dad is missing, and I think it has something to do 437 00:17:23,313 --> 00:17:25,781 with that house, but I knocked on the door and no one answered, 438 00:17:25,783 --> 00:17:28,116 and you know everything about the neighborhood and I just... 439 00:17:28,118 --> 00:17:31,053 Honey, take a breath. Come inside, dear. 440 00:17:31,055 --> 00:17:35,491 I'll fix you a Clamato, and we'll figure this out together. 441 00:17:39,863 --> 00:17:42,865 Phyllis, didn't you say you were the only one living here? 442 00:17:42,867 --> 00:17:44,066 That's right. 443 00:17:44,068 --> 00:17:48,136 Then why do you have two hats on your coat rack? 444 00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:51,607 And blueprints for a man skin-suit? 445 00:17:51,609 --> 00:17:54,142 ?? 446 00:17:54,144 --> 00:17:55,077 [Thunk, thud] 447 00:17:55,079 --> 00:17:58,213 I can't have two hats? 448 00:17:58,215 --> 00:18:01,417 [Pop music plays] 449 00:18:01,419 --> 00:18:05,687 I feel like I've seen something like this done before. 450 00:18:05,689 --> 00:18:07,089 No, no, it's all original. 451 00:18:07,091 --> 00:18:09,691 These are fresh ideas, obviously, Barry. 452 00:18:09,693 --> 00:18:11,093 Can you lean in a little? 453 00:18:11,095 --> 00:18:13,695 I want to match the image I have in my mind. 454 00:18:13,697 --> 00:18:16,065 What a shutter slut. 455 00:18:16,536 --> 00:18:19,666 _ 456 00:18:19,703 --> 00:18:20,836 You're right, Tosh. 457 00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:22,904 Barry is a fat, talentless whore. 458 00:18:22,906 --> 00:18:25,573 But don't worry, he's about to get his. 459 00:18:25,575 --> 00:18:27,643 Let's just say I made a couple calls. 460 00:18:27,645 --> 00:18:28,944 [Pounding on door] 461 00:18:30,981 --> 00:18:34,382 Oh, no, it's Anne Geddes! Jurgen, protect me! 462 00:18:34,384 --> 00:18:35,651 [Sniffs] 463 00:18:35,653 --> 00:18:39,587 [Deep voice] I smell copyright infringement. 464 00:18:39,589 --> 00:18:41,723 Anne, Anne, please! 465 00:18:41,725 --> 00:18:44,392 We'll give you a 10% licensing fee! 466 00:18:44,394 --> 00:18:46,028 Not enough! 467 00:18:49,066 --> 00:18:52,935 [Screaming] 468 00:18:52,937 --> 00:18:56,604 Don't hurt me, Anne Geddes! I'm just a baby! 469 00:18:56,606 --> 00:18:58,593 You forgot one thing. 470 00:18:58,609 --> 00:19:01,644 I hate babies! 471 00:19:03,413 --> 00:19:04,412 [All gasp] 472 00:19:04,414 --> 00:19:06,348 [Barry screaming] 473 00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:07,816 [Anne grunting] 474 00:19:07,818 --> 00:19:09,351 [Crashing] 475 00:19:09,353 --> 00:19:12,888 Phyllis: ? You say Clamato, I say Clam-ah-to ? 476 00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:14,790 ? Clamato, Clam-ah-to ? 477 00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:16,959 ? Clamato, Clam-ah-to ? 478 00:19:16,961 --> 00:19:20,062 ? Let's take the whole skin off ? 479 00:19:21,299 --> 00:19:22,498 Where am I? 480 00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,166 Hayley, you're awake. 481 00:19:24,887 --> 00:19:26,568 I'm sorry I was so rough on you. 482 00:19:26,570 --> 00:19:29,305 Well, I may have gotten a little competitive 483 00:19:29,307 --> 00:19:32,708 and tried to ruin your strange love of the Census. 484 00:19:32,710 --> 00:19:35,377 It's not strange, and Francine loves it more than I do. 485 00:19:35,379 --> 00:19:37,846 Between you and me, I think she takes it a little too far. 486 00:19:37,848 --> 00:19:39,781 Well, we're together now. 487 00:19:39,783 --> 00:19:42,450 Yeah, dying in a pit with a really annoying guy. 488 00:19:42,452 --> 00:19:43,585 Named Kevin. 489 00:19:43,587 --> 00:19:45,587 [Footsteps approaching] 490 00:19:45,589 --> 00:19:47,122 Oh, no, she's back. 491 00:19:47,124 --> 00:19:49,325 She's gonna turn my nipples into buttons. 492 00:19:49,327 --> 00:19:51,994 All that time we spent counting people 493 00:19:51,996 --> 00:19:55,531 we should've spent with the people that count. 494 00:19:56,812 --> 00:19:58,400 Ice-T: Damn, that's poetic. 495 00:19:58,402 --> 00:19:59,535 What up, Hayley? 496 00:19:59,537 --> 00:20:00,802 - Ice-T?! - Ice-T?! 497 00:20:00,804 --> 00:20:02,671 I got worried when you didn't respond 498 00:20:02,673 --> 00:20:05,273 to an interesting text I sent you about sharks. 499 00:20:05,275 --> 00:20:07,809 Used my TV detective skills to find you, 500 00:20:07,811 --> 00:20:09,345 and it's a good thing, too. 501 00:20:10,154 --> 00:20:13,081 Sick old lady was gonna turn you into a skin suit. 502 00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:15,684 Was working on a whole skin suit wardrobe. 503 00:20:15,686 --> 00:20:17,619 Skin blouse, skin slacks, 504 00:20:17,621 --> 00:20:20,488 and a pair of skin sunglasses she couldn't even see out of. 505 00:20:20,490 --> 00:20:21,890 Fly as hell, though. 506 00:20:21,892 --> 00:20:23,759 Tried them on after I kicked her to death. 507 00:20:23,761 --> 00:20:26,362 Dad, I know we're not competing anymore, 508 00:20:26,364 --> 00:20:27,629 but... my friend! 509 00:20:27,631 --> 00:20:29,297 I saved us! 510 00:20:29,299 --> 00:20:32,300 Stan, there's also the matter of the clarinet. 511 00:20:32,302 --> 00:20:33,835 The clarinet, of course! 512 00:20:33,837 --> 00:20:35,037 So you're mainly here for me! 513 00:20:35,039 --> 00:20:37,039 - I'm the hero! - Kevin: Good job, Stan! 514 00:20:37,041 --> 00:20:39,908 Thanks, Kevin. Hey, Kevin, have you met Ice-T? 515 00:20:39,910 --> 00:20:41,977 Oh, my God, Ice-T! 516 00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:46,248 I just got to say "Cop Killer" is my absolutely favorite song. 517 00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,384 It got me through boarding school. 518 00:20:49,151 --> 00:20:51,453 Boarding school is corny. 519 00:20:51,455 --> 00:20:53,122 Bye-bye! See you soon. 520 00:20:53,166 --> 00:20:53,423 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 521 00:20:53,473 --> 00:20:58,023 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37660

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