Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,030 --> 00:00:04,164
You ever feel like
every day of your life
2
00:00:04,166 --> 00:00:06,333
has been leading up to one moment?
3
00:00:06,335 --> 00:00:08,868
- [Pachelbel's "Canon in D Major" plays]
- The wedding of the century,
4
00:00:08,870 --> 00:00:11,805
live on "Morning Mimosa!"
5
00:00:11,807 --> 00:00:15,108
[Gasps] Look how
nervous the groom looks.
6
00:00:15,110 --> 00:00:17,510
Hayley: Wait. This is a hamster wedding?
7
00:00:17,512 --> 00:00:18,745
Oh, here comes the bride.
8
00:00:18,747 --> 00:00:20,280
[Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays]
9
00:00:20,282 --> 00:00:21,648
She's radiant,
10
00:00:21,650 --> 00:00:25,185
like Kate Middleton
at Westminster Abbey!
11
00:00:25,187 --> 00:00:26,753
This is so stupid.
12
00:00:26,755 --> 00:00:28,722
This show is all fluff, no substance.
13
00:00:28,724 --> 00:00:31,024
Your mom prefers fluff.
It makes her happy.
14
00:00:31,026 --> 00:00:32,993
But there's so much real news out there.
15
00:00:32,995 --> 00:00:35,762
I feel like I get all I need from
"Morning Mimosa!"
16
00:00:35,764 --> 00:00:37,530
and I start my day with a smile.
17
00:00:37,532 --> 00:00:38,865
And that smile takes me
18
00:00:38,867 --> 00:00:41,501
all the way to my 4:00 p.m. OxyContin.
19
00:00:41,503 --> 00:00:43,470
You need to expand your mind.
20
00:00:43,472 --> 00:00:44,838
There's a lot of real news out there,
21
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:46,606
- but you need to seek it out.
- [Door closes]
22
00:00:46,608 --> 00:00:50,143
Seek the truth.
The truth will set you free.
23
00:00:50,145 --> 00:00:51,444
Hey, who are you?
24
00:00:51,446 --> 00:00:53,246
Mom needs to get out of her bubble.
25
00:00:53,248 --> 00:00:54,514
And end up like you?
26
00:00:54,516 --> 00:00:55,982
Look what real news has done to you.
27
00:00:55,984 --> 00:00:58,184
- Excuse me? Sir?
- Those scowl lines.
28
00:00:58,186 --> 00:00:59,653
Mom looks 20 years younger than you.
29
00:00:59,655 --> 00:01:01,021
- Sir!
- 20 years younger?!
30
00:01:01,023 --> 00:01:02,355
Wha... I'm 19!
31
00:01:02,357 --> 00:01:05,525
Trish:
I now pronounce you hamster and wife.
32
00:01:05,527 --> 00:01:07,594
Hayley, I have something to tell you,
33
00:01:07,596 --> 00:01:09,396
but it can't leave this room.
34
00:01:09,398 --> 00:01:11,931
Last weekend,
I was at that hamster's bachelor party
35
00:01:11,933 --> 00:01:13,833
in Key West, and he...
36
00:01:13,835 --> 00:01:16,536
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm betraying his trust.
37
00:01:16,538 --> 00:01:18,138
He was not faithful.
38
00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:19,739
You missed my birthday dinner
39
00:01:19,741 --> 00:01:22,475
for a hamster bachelor party?
40
00:01:22,477 --> 00:01:24,878
[Patriotic music plays]
41
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,081
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
42
00:01:28,083 --> 00:01:31,384
? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
43
00:01:31,386 --> 00:01:34,654
? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
44
00:01:34,656 --> 00:01:39,092
? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
45
00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:44,064
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
46
00:01:44,066 --> 00:01:46,499
- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
47
00:01:46,501 --> 00:01:47,934
Aah!
48
00:01:48,937 --> 00:01:52,439
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
49
00:01:52,441 --> 00:01:55,542
[Birds singing]
50
00:01:55,544 --> 00:01:57,444
Welcome to Conspiracy Con!
51
00:01:57,446 --> 00:02:00,180
Will you be paying with
untraceable bitcoin or...
52
00:02:00,182 --> 00:02:02,248
a big jar of filthy change.
53
00:02:02,250 --> 00:02:03,717
Nice. Keepin' it O.G.
54
00:02:03,719 --> 00:02:06,086
Now, here's your badge and
two pumps of deer urine
55
00:02:06,088 --> 00:02:08,288
to repel Bigfoot... and a little CK One
56
00:02:08,290 --> 00:02:11,091
because now you smell like piss.
57
00:02:11,093 --> 00:02:13,026
Roger, who are these people?
58
00:02:13,028 --> 00:02:15,095
They're here for Conspiracy Con.
59
00:02:15,097 --> 00:02:17,664
They're truth seekers
looking for a safe haven
60
00:02:17,666 --> 00:02:19,199
from our corporate overlords.
61
00:02:19,201 --> 00:02:20,667
Trust no one...
62
00:02:20,669 --> 00:02:22,068
except Verizon's 4G Network.
63
00:02:22,070 --> 00:02:24,671
I may have let a few
corporate overlords in.
64
00:02:24,673 --> 00:02:26,906
Lizard people have
infiltrated everything...
65
00:02:26,908 --> 00:02:29,876
the government, sports,
even Tinsel Town!
66
00:02:29,878 --> 00:02:31,010
Elizabeth Taylor?!
67
00:02:31,012 --> 00:02:33,413
You mean "E-lizard-beth" Taylor?
68
00:02:33,415 --> 00:02:34,647
Ryan Gosling?
69
00:02:34,649 --> 00:02:35,715
Very lizard.
70
00:02:35,717 --> 00:02:36,983
[Gasps]
71
00:02:36,985 --> 00:02:38,752
They don't talk about any of this stuff
72
00:02:38,754 --> 00:02:40,086
on "Morning Mimosa!"
73
00:02:40,088 --> 00:02:42,689
Paper towels are just tall toilet paper.
74
00:02:42,691 --> 00:02:44,991
Is that man okay?
75
00:02:44,993 --> 00:02:47,894
Better than okay.
He's got the "truth twitch"!
76
00:02:47,896 --> 00:02:51,030
Right now he's seeing
the world as it truly is.
77
00:02:51,032 --> 00:02:53,233
I can help you see the truth, too.
78
00:02:53,235 --> 00:02:55,201
Are you about to sell me drugs?
79
00:02:55,203 --> 00:02:56,803
No. I need my drugs.
80
00:02:56,805 --> 00:02:59,239
[Birds singing]
81
00:02:59,241 --> 00:03:02,709
Snot, this is gonna be
so amazing for you.
82
00:03:02,711 --> 00:03:05,545
[Laughs] As if.
83
00:03:05,547 --> 00:03:07,113
Of course I'll help!
84
00:03:07,115 --> 00:03:10,283
Got it. "Chesterbrook..."
85
00:03:10,285 --> 00:03:11,885
- [Receiver clicks]
- Were you about to write
86
00:03:11,887 --> 00:03:13,753
"Chesterbrook Townhouses"?
87
00:03:13,755 --> 00:03:15,188
Uh... yeah.
88
00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:17,891
Snot's mom is dating this guy,
Del, who lives there.
89
00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:20,693
And get this...
he invited them to move in!
90
00:03:20,695 --> 00:03:22,562
Del sounds like a catch, bro.
91
00:03:22,564 --> 00:03:26,699
Chesterbrook is high end...
nice landscaping, tennis courts,
92
00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:28,902
communal pool with tons of noodles.
93
00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:31,104
Uh, you can help them move with me.
94
00:03:31,106 --> 00:03:32,539
Oh, hell yes!
95
00:03:32,541 --> 00:03:35,008
I've been dying to get a peek
inside a Chesterbrook unit.
96
00:03:35,010 --> 00:03:37,177
But, remember, we're there for Snot.
97
00:03:37,179 --> 00:03:39,701
Steve, I am deeply offended.
98
00:03:39,714 --> 00:03:42,248
Have I ever not been there for Snoot?
99
00:03:45,082 --> 00:03:47,149
[Birds singing]
100
00:03:47,151 --> 00:03:49,219
Francine. Celery?
101
00:03:49,231 --> 00:03:51,231
Those better be giant gummy celeries,
102
00:03:51,233 --> 00:03:52,899
or I'm gonna have a full meltdown.
103
00:03:52,901 --> 00:03:55,702
Sorry, I didn't get
to the market yesterday.
104
00:03:55,704 --> 00:03:59,172
Stan, you'd tell me
if you were a lizard, right?
105
00:03:59,174 --> 00:04:00,306
Okay, I'll bite.
106
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,008
What in God's name
are you talking about?
107
00:04:02,010 --> 00:04:04,777
Roger's hosting Conspiracy
Con in the attic.
108
00:04:04,779 --> 00:04:06,279
That's what's going on up there?
109
00:04:06,281 --> 00:04:09,015
I assumed those creeps were
here for a Roger sex thing.
110
00:04:09,017 --> 00:04:12,485
Don't beat yourself up, Stan.
We're also having sex.
111
00:04:12,487 --> 00:04:15,355
The electro-radiation
booth's running low on foil.
112
00:04:15,357 --> 00:04:17,724
[Chuckling] Those guys
use it for everything.
113
00:04:17,726 --> 00:04:21,961
The condoms hurt like hell,
but I'm not ready to be a mother.
114
00:04:21,963 --> 00:04:24,530
Francine, there are no conspiracies.
115
00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:25,765
They're all fake junk.
116
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:28,234
But what about George Soros controlling
117
00:04:28,236 --> 00:04:30,937
the Federal Reserve from
an underground bunker?
118
00:04:30,939 --> 00:04:33,106
Shh! Francine, he's Jewish.
119
00:04:33,108 --> 00:04:34,607
That's what he should be doing.
120
00:04:34,609 --> 00:04:35,942
He's helping us.
121
00:04:35,944 --> 00:04:37,510
You're all worked up over nothing.
122
00:04:37,512 --> 00:04:40,647
Oh, look! Almost time for
someone's favorite program.
123
00:04:40,649 --> 00:04:42,015
"Morning Mimosa!"?
124
00:04:42,017 --> 00:04:43,683
Mwah. That's right.
125
00:04:43,685 --> 00:04:46,953
Just sit back and let
gentle morning infotainment
126
00:04:46,955 --> 00:04:48,421
fill your head.
127
00:04:48,423 --> 00:04:51,491
Trish: Up next,
what our frisky newlywed hamsters
128
00:04:51,493 --> 00:04:54,761
can teach you about
pleasing your lover in bed.
129
00:04:54,763 --> 00:04:57,363
Ooh! Stan! You forgot your lunch!
130
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:59,499
Oh, crap! The foil got lost inside me.
131
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:01,267
Francine, if you're going to the store,
132
00:05:01,269 --> 00:05:04,167
pick me up some Plan B and a magnet.
133
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:09,409
In honor of the "Great Snot" moving in,
134
00:05:09,411 --> 00:05:12,712
I took the liberty of
stocking the fridge.
135
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:15,648
Specialty sodas?
136
00:05:15,650 --> 00:05:17,183
Damn!
137
00:05:17,185 --> 00:05:19,419
Cucumber? Toasted marshmallow?
138
00:05:19,421 --> 00:05:22,388
Hey, look,
they take all the eggs out of the carton
139
00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:25,158
and put them in the little
egg spots in the door.
140
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:30,196
That's the Chesterbrook difference.
141
00:05:30,198 --> 00:05:33,433
[Applauds]
142
00:05:33,435 --> 00:05:36,669
And the final stop on the grand tour...
143
00:05:36,671 --> 00:05:38,371
your new bedroom!
144
00:05:38,373 --> 00:05:40,239
Del wanted to convert his home office,
145
00:05:40,241 --> 00:05:44,444
but I thought it might get
noisy next to our bedroom.
146
00:05:44,446 --> 00:05:48,381
Me have sex with the Great Snot's mom?
147
00:05:48,383 --> 00:05:52,051
Uh, yes please.
148
00:05:52,053 --> 00:05:53,453
Del seems great.
149
00:05:53,455 --> 00:05:57,190
He is. It's just...
Isn't it a little depressing
150
00:05:57,192 --> 00:05:58,691
living in the basement?
151
00:05:58,693 --> 00:06:00,226
- [Whap!]
- Are you serious?
152
00:06:00,228 --> 00:06:03,062
You have been given a finished basement.
153
00:06:03,064 --> 00:06:06,099
It's like a blank
canvas to be awesome in.
154
00:06:06,101 --> 00:06:09,569
Just imagine...
air-hockey table, Jamaican flag,
155
00:06:09,571 --> 00:06:12,138
and an Aerosmith mirror
some older brother won
156
00:06:12,140 --> 00:06:15,608
at a carnival ring-toss before
he died in a car accident.
157
00:06:15,610 --> 00:06:18,678
You know, the classic basement!
158
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,014
I guess that does sound cool.
159
00:06:21,016 --> 00:06:22,949
Who cares if you think
it's cool, shithead?
160
00:06:22,951 --> 00:06:24,384
It's for the ladies!
161
00:06:24,386 --> 00:06:27,520
They can't resist the
power of a sweet basement.
162
00:06:27,522 --> 00:06:31,257
Then you add music,
maybe something like...
163
00:06:31,259 --> 00:06:33,893
? I tried so hard ?
164
00:06:33,895 --> 00:06:35,995
? Unt got so far ?
165
00:06:35,997 --> 00:06:37,997
? But in ze end ?
166
00:06:37,999 --> 00:06:41,234
? It doesn't even matter ?
167
00:06:41,236 --> 00:06:43,469
? One thing, I don't know why ?
168
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,505
? It doesn't even matter
how hard you try ?
169
00:06:45,507 --> 00:06:46,706
? Keep that in mind ?
170
00:06:46,708 --> 00:06:48,541
? I designed this rhyme
to remind myself ?
171
00:06:48,543 --> 00:06:51,110
- ? How I tried so hard ?
- ? I tried so hard ?
172
00:06:51,112 --> 00:06:52,545
? In spite of the way
you were mocking me ?
173
00:06:52,547 --> 00:06:54,180
? Acting like I was
part of your property ?
174
00:06:54,182 --> 00:06:56,282
- So, I guess...
- ? Remembering all the times ?
175
00:06:56,284 --> 00:06:57,884
- ? You fought with me ?
- ...I'll go get the stuff.
176
00:06:57,886 --> 00:07:01,788
- ? I'm surprised it got so far ?
- ? It got so far ?
177
00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:05,258
Trish, Sues,
emergency production meeting onstage!
178
00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:08,161
[Indistinct conversations]
179
00:07:08,163 --> 00:07:12,231
Shh! The executive producer
is approaching the stage.
180
00:07:12,233 --> 00:07:15,701
So, I'm head honcho,
and I still have to open my own doors?
181
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:17,070
Sorry, sir. Y-Your coffee?
182
00:07:17,072 --> 00:07:18,738
It's too late. You're fired.
183
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:20,239
[Sobbing]
184
00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:22,041
Wait. Gimme that coffee first.
185
00:07:22,043 --> 00:07:24,010
Damn. All right, team.
186
00:07:24,012 --> 00:07:26,412
Most of you know I took over
"Morning Mimosa!"
187
00:07:26,414 --> 00:07:28,347
when I realized I could
use it to protect my wife
188
00:07:28,349 --> 00:07:30,839
from the harshness of the real world.
189
00:07:32,253 --> 00:07:34,287
Why did Stan come here?
190
00:07:34,289 --> 00:07:36,389
Unfortunately, Francine was exposed
191
00:07:36,391 --> 00:07:38,257
to some scary ideas yesterday,
192
00:07:38,259 --> 00:07:40,259
so we're gonna need
to turn up the fluff.
193
00:07:40,261 --> 00:07:42,361
I'm talking cute animals,
I'm talking makeovers,
194
00:07:42,363 --> 00:07:44,464
I'm talking 2-year-olds who break-dance.
195
00:07:44,466 --> 00:07:48,534
Because if we don't,
I fear her ignorant, fragile mind and...
196
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:51,070
if I'm being honest...
her backwoods sensibilities
197
00:07:51,072 --> 00:07:52,972
will be thrown into upheaval.
198
00:07:52,974 --> 00:07:54,507
- [Metal clatters]
- Francine?!
199
00:07:56,177 --> 00:07:58,611
Uh, you all know my brilliant,
stable wife,
200
00:07:58,613 --> 00:08:01,247
the sheer essence of
continental sophistication?
201
00:08:01,249 --> 00:08:04,417
You told me conspiracies were fake junk,
202
00:08:04,419 --> 00:08:08,988
but... but I'm in a conspiracy.
203
00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:12,892
And, Stan, you put me there.
204
00:08:12,894 --> 00:08:15,328
This isn't a conspiracy. I'm, uh...
205
00:08:15,330 --> 00:08:17,096
I'm doing all these people.
206
00:08:17,098 --> 00:08:18,731
It's just an orgy.
207
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,032
See?
208
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:28,553
What exactly did you hear?
209
00:08:28,555 --> 00:08:31,255
That you have been secretly running
210
00:08:31,257 --> 00:08:34,859
"Morning Mimosa"
for years to keep me in a bubble!
211
00:08:34,861 --> 00:08:36,861
And to also provide a reliable lead-in
212
00:08:36,863 --> 00:08:39,530
for "The Young and the Restless."
213
00:08:39,532 --> 00:08:41,165
I can't trust you.
214
00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:43,801
I can't trust anything.
215
00:08:43,803 --> 00:08:47,138
The bubble... has burst!
216
00:08:49,642 --> 00:08:50,642
_
217
00:08:50,643 --> 00:08:52,276
[Laughs] Nice.
218
00:08:52,278 --> 00:08:55,413
Whoa-ho-ho! Cool room, sport!
219
00:08:55,415 --> 00:08:58,583
Thanks, Dad. Sorry, I mean "Del."
220
00:08:58,585 --> 00:09:01,953
No, it's okay. You can call me "Dad."
221
00:09:01,955 --> 00:09:03,788
- [Sighs]
- All right, Pops.
222
00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:05,389
Back upstairs.
223
00:09:05,391 --> 00:09:07,225
- Want to play darts?
- "Darts"?!
224
00:09:07,227 --> 00:09:09,393
I didn't pimp this
basement to play darts.
225
00:09:09,395 --> 00:09:11,863
I know. It's your make-out castle.
226
00:09:11,865 --> 00:09:14,432
Palace. And it's not mine. It's Snot's.
227
00:09:14,434 --> 00:09:17,768
What we need right now is to
get some babes in this castle.
228
00:09:17,770 --> 00:09:19,470
See, you did say castle.
229
00:09:19,472 --> 00:09:21,009
Go get girls!
230
00:09:23,076 --> 00:09:25,810
[Laughter]
231
00:09:25,812 --> 00:09:28,946
[Laughs]
232
00:09:28,948 --> 00:09:31,749
I know they say it's
a dog-eat-dog world,
233
00:09:31,751 --> 00:09:33,251
but this is ridiculous.
234
00:09:33,253 --> 00:09:35,086
Good thing no one heard that.
235
00:09:35,088 --> 00:09:36,587
[Gasps] Francine!
236
00:09:36,589 --> 00:09:38,156
How much did you hear?
237
00:09:38,158 --> 00:09:39,991
Conspiracies are real, Roger.
238
00:09:39,993 --> 00:09:41,526
I can trust no one.
239
00:09:41,528 --> 00:09:43,761
Would ya' look at that?
240
00:09:43,763 --> 00:09:45,630
Got yourself a "truth twitch"!
241
00:09:45,632 --> 00:09:47,932
I can see so clearly!
242
00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:50,268
My eyes are finally open!
243
00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:54,038
Oh, good.
So you can feast those peepers on this.
244
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:57,072
The spliiiits.
245
00:09:59,746 --> 00:10:03,147
All right, there's a group
of babes by the Noodle Chest.
246
00:10:03,149 --> 00:10:05,383
Work your magic.
247
00:10:05,385 --> 00:10:07,418
Whew, it's warm out here!
248
00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:12,757
Would you girls like to cool
off in a cold, dark basement?
249
00:10:12,759 --> 00:10:15,193
[Laughs] I'm sorry.
250
00:10:15,195 --> 00:10:17,562
What my friend meant to say is
251
00:10:17,564 --> 00:10:21,098
you girls'll fit in real
nice with the other treasures
252
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,748
in his basement.
253
00:10:24,737 --> 00:10:26,037
Aah!
254
00:10:26,039 --> 00:10:28,673
Beat it, pervs.
We're going to my uncle's
255
00:10:28,675 --> 00:10:30,107
so he can take pictures of us...
256
00:10:30,109 --> 00:10:33,467
Tasteful nudes to launch
our modeling careers.
257
00:10:35,615 --> 00:10:39,817
[Eerie music played on synthesizer]
258
00:10:39,819 --> 00:10:43,120
Broadcasting live via
short wave from a little RV
259
00:10:43,122 --> 00:10:46,691
on planet truth, this is...
"Truth Planet."
260
00:10:46,693 --> 00:10:52,830
[Playing Laura Branigan's
"Self Control"]
261
00:10:52,832 --> 00:10:55,733
First of all,
I want to say hello to the government
262
00:10:55,735 --> 00:10:57,568
if you're listening...
of course they are...
263
00:10:57,570 --> 00:11:00,671
and a quick shout-out to Stamps.com
264
00:11:00,673 --> 00:11:02,340
for sponsoring the show.
265
00:11:02,342 --> 00:11:04,809
Soundboard: Show me the money.
266
00:11:04,811 --> 00:11:08,079
Today, we're going
to sit down with legendary
267
00:11:08,081 --> 00:11:10,147
Yeti hunter, Randy Ojai.
268
00:11:10,149 --> 00:11:13,784
But first,
are we really safe in our homes?
269
00:11:13,786 --> 00:11:16,020
Truth bomb.
270
00:11:16,022 --> 00:11:18,256
[Explosion]
271
00:11:18,258 --> 00:11:19,690
Take your kitchen.
272
00:11:19,692 --> 00:11:23,160
Toasters... what do we really
know about them?
273
00:11:23,162 --> 00:11:25,663
Does the bagel button do anything,
274
00:11:25,665 --> 00:11:28,299
or does it just put you on a list?
275
00:11:28,301 --> 00:11:31,168
Shabbat shalom.
276
00:11:31,170 --> 00:11:33,604
You think you're safe in the bathroom?
277
00:11:33,606 --> 00:11:34,939
Think again!
278
00:11:34,941 --> 00:11:36,874
We all bring our phones in there!
279
00:11:36,876 --> 00:11:41,145
The government hacks your
camera and boom, they gotcha.
280
00:11:41,147 --> 00:11:44,615
Hook, line, and stinkerrrr!
281
00:11:44,617 --> 00:11:47,285
[Toilet flush]
282
00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:49,020
- [Knocking at door]
- Stan: Francine!
283
00:11:49,022 --> 00:11:50,521
Come on, Francine!
284
00:11:50,523 --> 00:11:52,857
I know you're upset I
was controlling your mind
285
00:11:52,859 --> 00:11:54,158
with "Morning Mimosa."
286
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,926
And I know it hurt to
find out your husband
287
00:11:55,928 --> 00:11:57,361
has six Daytime Emmys.
288
00:11:57,363 --> 00:12:00,231
Wait, are you jealous
of my monster success
289
00:12:00,233 --> 00:12:02,466
in the notoriously
fickle 11:00 a.m. slot?
290
00:12:02,468 --> 00:12:03,934
Well, you should be flattered.
291
00:12:03,936 --> 00:12:06,537
I may have dedicated all
six Emmys to my lawyer,
292
00:12:06,539 --> 00:12:08,773
the brilliant, ruthless Irwin Klein,
293
00:12:08,775 --> 00:12:10,825
but I won them for you!
294
00:12:13,146 --> 00:12:14,545
Klaus: No babes?
295
00:12:14,547 --> 00:12:16,881
I've got this basement
pulsating with power,
296
00:12:16,883 --> 00:12:18,683
and you're wasting it, Steve!
297
00:12:18,685 --> 00:12:19,750
Gah!
298
00:12:19,752 --> 00:12:20,918
[Crash]
299
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,420
Everything okay down here?
300
00:12:22,422 --> 00:12:27,058
Oh, you turned this into a
darling little rumpus room.
301
00:12:27,060 --> 00:12:29,226
Yeah, it's pretty sick.
302
00:12:29,228 --> 00:12:31,062
Gosh, I haven't been
in a basement like this
303
00:12:31,064 --> 00:12:33,431
since high school.
304
00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:36,233
[Journey's "Lovin',
Touchin', Squeezin'" plays]
305
00:12:36,235 --> 00:12:40,518
Ooh, this song. It really takes me back.
306
00:12:43,242 --> 00:12:45,643
Did I ever tell you about the summer
307
00:12:45,645 --> 00:12:49,780
I went on tour with
a Journey cover band?
308
00:12:49,782 --> 00:12:52,316
This is literally the
first time we've met.
309
00:12:52,318 --> 00:12:55,219
Mmm, air hockey?
310
00:12:55,221 --> 00:12:57,188
No thanks. I don't feel like playing.
311
00:12:57,190 --> 00:13:00,758
Aw, you're gonna make me
play with myself?
312
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,628
? Lovin', touchin', squeezin' ?
313
00:13:04,630 --> 00:13:07,098
Oh, no. The basement has her.
314
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,232
Listen to me.
315
00:13:08,234 --> 00:13:13,938
We must leave this place right now!
316
00:13:13,940 --> 00:13:18,442
? When I'm alone ?
317
00:13:18,444 --> 00:13:20,077
? All by myself ?
318
00:13:20,079 --> 00:13:22,513
[Muffled] Oh, boy.
319
00:13:24,684 --> 00:13:26,417
Why so glum, chum?
320
00:13:26,419 --> 00:13:28,753
My wife found out I was using
"Morning Mimosa!"
321
00:13:28,755 --> 00:13:30,154
to control her mind.
322
00:13:30,156 --> 00:13:32,890
Marriage... it's a real tightrope walk.
323
00:13:32,892 --> 00:13:34,592
Did you mention your Daytime Emmys?
324
00:13:34,594 --> 00:13:35,993
No, I like to play that cool.
325
00:13:35,995 --> 00:13:38,028
And now she doesn't
believe anything I say.
326
00:13:38,030 --> 00:13:40,965
She's embraced all these
crazy conspiracy theories.
327
00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:43,167
UFOs and Bigfoot.
328
00:13:43,169 --> 00:13:44,335
Yeah, and she's blabbing about them
329
00:13:44,337 --> 00:13:45,936
on some crackpot radio show.
330
00:13:45,938 --> 00:13:47,705
Today she was going on
about how the government
331
00:13:47,707 --> 00:13:50,408
is watching us poop
through our cellphones.
332
00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:53,144
And she's broadcasting
this on the radio?
333
00:13:53,146 --> 00:13:55,079
I have to walk to my office now.
334
00:13:55,081 --> 00:13:56,915
Goodbye. Don't follow me.
335
00:13:58,232 --> 00:14:00,618
Project Toilet Cam has been compromised.
336
00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:03,788
We need to eliminate Francine Smith.
337
00:14:03,790 --> 00:14:05,156
[Phone beeps]
338
00:14:05,158 --> 00:14:08,826
[Moaning, whistling]
339
00:14:08,828 --> 00:14:10,494
[Laughs]
340
00:14:10,496 --> 00:14:13,597
This bank of monitors reminds me of
"The Brady Bunch."
341
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:18,235
Except all these people
are taking craps, not just Alice.
342
00:14:21,542 --> 00:14:25,544
[Video game beeping, gunfire]
343
00:14:25,546 --> 00:14:27,380
I can't believe no one's ever tried
344
00:14:27,382 --> 00:14:29,248
stretching the zombie gun over here!
345
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:30,383
The other one's getting away!
346
00:14:30,385 --> 00:14:31,984
Yank that Sea-doo over here.
347
00:14:31,986 --> 00:14:34,320
Let's run this [bleep] down.
348
00:14:34,322 --> 00:14:35,488
Sir?
349
00:14:35,490 --> 00:14:38,457
Okay, are you in position
at Dave & Buster's?
350
00:14:38,459 --> 00:14:40,693
Yes, sir. Stan is distracted and happy.
351
00:14:40,695 --> 00:14:42,828
You are clear to eliminate Francine.
352
00:14:42,830 --> 00:14:44,029
Excellent!
353
00:14:44,031 --> 00:14:46,132
And I only mean that professionally,
354
00:14:46,134 --> 00:14:48,501
not because I derive
some sexual pleasure
355
00:14:48,503 --> 00:14:50,102
from killing my friend's wife,
356
00:14:50,104 --> 00:14:52,071
as you're so heavily implying.
357
00:14:52,073 --> 00:14:53,973
[Phone beeps]
358
00:14:53,975 --> 00:14:56,842
I needed something like this
to forget about Francine.
359
00:14:56,844 --> 00:14:59,245
Wait, you told him
Francine's getting whacked?
360
00:14:59,790 --> 00:15:00,813
Shut up, dumb-ass!
361
00:15:00,815 --> 00:15:01,914
What the hell is going on?
362
00:15:01,916 --> 00:15:03,916
Dick's buying me more nachos.
363
00:15:03,918 --> 00:15:05,151
No, with Francine.
364
00:15:05,153 --> 00:15:07,527
[Sighs] Bullock put a hit on her.
365
00:15:07,562 --> 00:15:10,089
My wife's getting killed,
and I'm at Dave & Buster's?
366
00:15:10,091 --> 00:15:11,624
We were trying to protect you!
367
00:15:11,626 --> 00:15:14,527
I don't need to be protected.
I can handle bad news.
368
00:15:14,529 --> 00:15:15,428
[Gasps]
369
00:15:15,430 --> 00:15:16,929
- We got to stop him!
- Whoa!
370
00:15:16,931 --> 00:15:18,497
- [Music plays]
- Announcer: At Dave & Buster's,
371
00:15:18,499 --> 00:15:20,299
we've got the slippinest-slidinest
372
00:15:20,301 --> 00:15:21,967
nachos in the world!
373
00:15:21,969 --> 00:15:23,869
Mm-hmm.
374
00:15:23,871 --> 00:15:25,346
Don't eat 'em!
375
00:15:27,241 --> 00:15:28,808
[Sighs] It's too bad we didn't get any
376
00:15:28,810 --> 00:15:31,177
sweet-ass girls to come
down to the basement.
377
00:15:31,179 --> 00:15:32,611
The girls will come.
378
00:15:32,613 --> 00:15:37,049
For now,
I've got a sweet-ass man I can call Dad.
379
00:15:37,051 --> 00:15:39,221
That's a very mature observation.
380
00:15:39,256 --> 00:15:41,754
I think Del's already having
a great effect on you.
381
00:15:41,756 --> 00:15:43,489
[Panting]
382
00:15:43,491 --> 00:15:45,458
We need to get the [bleep] out of here!
383
00:15:45,460 --> 00:15:47,359
Del: I take you into my townhouse,
384
00:15:47,361 --> 00:15:49,495
and this is how you repay me?!
385
00:15:49,497 --> 00:15:51,130
Mrs. Lonstein: It's not my fault, Del!
386
00:15:51,132 --> 00:15:53,032
[Tearfully] It was the basement!
387
00:15:53,034 --> 00:15:56,001
- What did you do?
- [Screams]
388
00:15:56,003 --> 00:15:57,436
Phew, thought this was a gonner.
389
00:15:57,438 --> 00:16:00,406
All right.
Let's beat it before security gets here.
390
00:16:00,408 --> 00:16:02,408
[Tearfully] You ruined it!
391
00:16:02,410 --> 00:16:06,979
You ruined it when you
sat on that fish's face!
392
00:16:06,981 --> 00:16:09,114
What's happening, Steve?
393
00:16:09,116 --> 00:16:14,153
[Sobs]
394
00:16:14,155 --> 00:16:17,723
Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook!
395
00:16:17,725 --> 00:16:20,025
?
396
00:16:20,027 --> 00:16:23,562
Let's keep it simple.
Kill Francine on three.
397
00:16:23,564 --> 00:16:25,231
One, two...
398
00:16:25,233 --> 00:16:26,332
Stan: St-o-o-o-o-p!
399
00:16:26,334 --> 00:16:29,401
Leave my wife alone!
400
00:16:29,403 --> 00:16:32,738
[Wheels squeaking]
401
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:33,873
I won!
402
00:16:33,875 --> 00:16:36,175
For the last time, I wasn't racing you
403
00:16:36,177 --> 00:16:38,639
and I clearly passed the mailbox first.
404
00:16:38,674 --> 00:16:39,512
Sir, please...
405
00:16:39,514 --> 00:16:42,848
Smith, I don't want to go to
war with you and your goons!
406
00:16:42,850 --> 00:16:45,384
This is between me and
the woman who uncovered
407
00:16:45,386 --> 00:16:46,719
Project Toilet Cam.
408
00:16:46,721 --> 00:16:49,121
Compromising photos of
people on the toilet
409
00:16:49,123 --> 00:16:51,390
are the greatest ass-et [snickers]
410
00:16:51,392 --> 00:16:53,359
we have against terrorism.
411
00:16:53,361 --> 00:16:54,727
What? I don't follow.
412
00:16:54,729 --> 00:16:57,129
Think, Smith.
What's the most embarrassing
413
00:16:57,131 --> 00:16:59,098
thing you don't want anyone to see?
414
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:00,799
You leave my children out of this!
415
00:17:00,801 --> 00:17:03,269
Remember the time you ate poached salmon
416
00:17:03,271 --> 00:17:05,271
from an Amoco gas station?
417
00:17:05,273 --> 00:17:07,540
[Moaning]
418
00:17:07,542 --> 00:17:09,508
Delete that! I'll do anything you want!
419
00:17:09,510 --> 00:17:12,077
This is why I'm not worried about ISIS.
420
00:17:12,079 --> 00:17:13,512
Sir, we've searched the premises.
421
00:17:13,514 --> 00:17:14,947
There's no sign of Francine Smith
422
00:17:14,949 --> 00:17:17,182
or the Winnebago she
was broadcasting from.
423
00:17:17,184 --> 00:17:19,485
All right team, regroup at the CIA.
424
00:17:19,487 --> 00:17:22,488
We'll pick her up on satellite.
She can't hide for long.
425
00:17:22,490 --> 00:17:26,692
Release the satellite!
426
00:17:26,694 --> 00:17:27,760
Great job!
427
00:17:27,762 --> 00:17:30,029
Guys, I talked to the hunchback,
428
00:17:30,031 --> 00:17:31,664
and he's been feeling isolated.
429
00:17:31,666 --> 00:17:34,733
Could you maybe make an effort
to be a little nicer to him?
430
00:17:34,735 --> 00:17:37,236
Charles! Come over here!
431
00:17:37,238 --> 00:17:39,204
Here's a fresh herring for everyone.
432
00:17:39,206 --> 00:17:40,839
Please, feed it to the hunchback.
433
00:17:40,841 --> 00:17:45,711
So, did everyone
catch the game last night?
434
00:17:45,713 --> 00:17:47,146
Mm.
435
00:17:47,148 --> 00:17:48,347
I see you looking.
436
00:17:48,349 --> 00:17:50,952
It's okay to ask about the hump.
437
00:17:53,287 --> 00:17:55,187
Hmm. One day.
438
00:17:55,189 --> 00:17:56,755
Roger, we got to find Francine!
439
00:17:56,757 --> 00:17:58,757
Oh, she gon'! When someone that paranoid
440
00:17:58,759 --> 00:18:01,160
takes off,
they always head right off the grid.
441
00:18:01,162 --> 00:18:02,828
A grid runner.
442
00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:05,230
The first thing she'll do is hide
443
00:18:05,232 --> 00:18:06,665
in a communication dead zone.
444
00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:08,601
Needle in a haystack, Stan.
445
00:18:08,603 --> 00:18:11,637
That's the nation's most
comprehensive 4G network.
446
00:18:11,639 --> 00:18:13,839
This ain't Cricket Wireless
we're talking about.
447
00:18:13,841 --> 00:18:15,407
Verizon's the big dog.
448
00:18:15,409 --> 00:18:16,842
Big dogs got to eat.
449
00:18:16,844 --> 00:18:19,011
Is Verizon paying me to say any of this?
450
00:18:19,013 --> 00:18:20,479
There!
451
00:18:24,518 --> 00:18:28,787
I'm down to one bar. Spread out.
452
00:18:28,789 --> 00:18:31,290
[Phone beeping]
453
00:18:31,292 --> 00:18:33,759
No signal. I'm off the grid.
454
00:18:33,761 --> 00:18:38,263
Aah!
455
00:18:38,265 --> 00:18:39,398
Huh.
456
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,500
Francine, we need to leave!
457
00:18:41,502 --> 00:18:43,135
The CIA is coming to kill you!
458
00:18:43,137 --> 00:18:46,038
I'm supposed to believe you're
telling me the truth now?
459
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,874
Look, I'm sorry I didn't think
you could handle the real world,
460
00:18:48,876 --> 00:18:50,909
and for executive producing
a hit daytime show
461
00:18:50,911 --> 00:18:51,944
to hide it from you.
462
00:18:51,946 --> 00:18:53,579
Because I'm too fragile?
463
00:18:53,581 --> 00:18:55,047
That's what I told myself.
464
00:18:55,049 --> 00:18:57,349
But when the guys did it to me today,
465
00:18:57,351 --> 00:18:58,984
I realized they were being selfish,
466
00:18:58,986 --> 00:19:01,787
just keeping me happy to
make their lives easier.
467
00:19:01,789 --> 00:19:03,789
What were they hiding from you?
468
00:19:03,791 --> 00:19:05,491
The fact that the CIA's gonna kill you!
469
00:19:05,493 --> 00:19:07,426
So one of my theories was right!
470
00:19:07,428 --> 00:19:09,828
- Which was it?
- It was the toilet cams.
471
00:19:09,830 --> 00:19:10,896
Really?
472
00:19:10,898 --> 00:19:12,798
Not that Papa John and Peyton Manning
473
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,300
had a sexual relationship for 17 years?
474
00:19:15,302 --> 00:19:16,635
[Helicopters approaching]
475
00:19:16,637 --> 00:19:19,747
Bullock: Francine Smith,
surrender yourself!
476
00:19:19,782 --> 00:19:22,374
Look, I shouldn't be trying
to shield you from things,
477
00:19:22,376 --> 00:19:23,942
no matter how bad they are.
478
00:19:23,944 --> 00:19:26,812
I should be getting through
them with you... together.
479
00:19:26,814 --> 00:19:28,981
How are we gonna get through this?
480
00:19:28,983 --> 00:19:30,916
- Do you trust me?
- I do.
481
00:19:30,918 --> 00:19:32,718
Great. Now,
I know this is your bear trap
482
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,420
so I don't want you
to take it personally
483
00:19:34,422 --> 00:19:35,954
when I say that I hate it.
484
00:19:35,956 --> 00:19:37,456
It feels awful.
485
00:19:37,985 --> 00:19:40,958
Hold your fire! I'd to propose a deal!
486
00:19:40,993 --> 00:19:41,794
Of course.
487
00:19:41,796 --> 00:19:45,950
Kindly step out of the line of
fire to the negotiating area.
488
00:19:48,135 --> 00:19:50,069
Aah!
489
00:19:50,071 --> 00:19:55,040
N-o-o-o! Francine!
490
00:19:55,042 --> 00:19:57,309
What have you done?!
491
00:19:57,311 --> 00:19:59,278
I saved America!
492
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:04,683
Take the weekend to grieve!
493
00:20:04,685 --> 00:20:05,851
Mmm.
494
00:20:05,853 --> 00:20:07,686
This isn't part of the plan.
495
00:20:07,688 --> 00:20:09,755
No one's gonna believe
I'm Francine's corpse
496
00:20:09,757 --> 00:20:11,423
unless they see us having sex.
497
00:20:11,425 --> 00:20:14,226
All right, that's enough.
498
00:20:14,228 --> 00:20:15,661
Let's make a deal.
499
00:20:15,663 --> 00:20:18,831
From now on, no more lies between us.
500
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:21,266
Right. And no more conspiracies.
501
00:20:21,268 --> 00:20:23,969
Well, one more conspiracy.
502
00:20:26,373 --> 00:20:29,241
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
503
00:20:29,243 --> 00:20:32,244
I can't believe Stan brought
a date to his wife's funeral.
504
00:20:32,246 --> 00:20:33,846
What a baller!
505
00:20:35,516 --> 00:20:37,950
Yeah, and he certainly has a type...
506
00:20:37,952 --> 00:20:41,406
Blonde, beautiful, and named Francine.
507
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:43,582
And now, the Chesterbrook Quartet
508
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:46,846
will perform Dead
Francine's favorite song.
509
00:20:48,605 --> 00:20:52,101
[Playing Linkin Park's "In the End"]
510
00:20:55,745 --> 00:20:57,090
? It starts with ?
511
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:58,466
? One thing! ?
512
00:20:58,501 --> 00:21:00,267
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
513
00:21:00,268 --> 00:21:02,268
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
514
00:21:02,318 --> 00:21:06,868
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37347
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
