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1
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_
2
00:00:02,679 --> 00:00:04,345
Can you believe Dad makes us listen
3
00:00:04,381 --> 00:00:06,714
to his physical results every year?
4
00:00:06,750 --> 00:00:09,150
Can you believe I've
never had a physical?
5
00:00:09,186 --> 00:00:11,152
Okay, I have a critically
ill child to check on,
6
00:00:11,188 --> 00:00:13,021
so, Mr. Smith,
let's get this over with...
7
00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:15,523
- Stan: Play the intro music!
- I don't think that's necessary.
8
00:00:15,559 --> 00:00:17,659
- Play the music, nerd!
- [Sighs]
9
00:00:17,694 --> 00:00:20,195
[Up-tempo music playing]
10
00:00:20,230 --> 00:00:22,997
Before we hear what
amazing shape I'm in,
11
00:00:23,033 --> 00:00:24,999
I wanna thank all you Stanamaniacs
12
00:00:25,035 --> 00:00:26,768
for coming out in full force.
13
00:00:26,803 --> 00:00:28,703
Doc, tell 'em what papa's packin'.
14
00:00:28,738 --> 00:00:31,105
Well, you've put on 5 pounds
since last year.
15
00:00:31,141 --> 00:00:32,373
Bigger...
16
00:00:32,409 --> 00:00:33,575
is...
17
00:00:33,610 --> 00:00:34,776
better!
18
00:00:34,811 --> 00:00:36,077
You shrunk a quarter of an inch.
19
00:00:36,112 --> 00:00:38,580
So much man in such a tiny package!
20
00:00:38,615 --> 00:00:40,048
And your cholesterol is high.
21
00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:42,584
Are there no heights I can't reach?!
22
00:00:42,619 --> 00:00:44,519
Cholesterol is a serious issue.
23
00:00:44,554 --> 00:00:46,588
[Under breath] Forget cholesterol.
We're losing them.
24
00:00:46,623 --> 00:00:47,989
Bring out the big guns.
25
00:00:48,024 --> 00:00:49,858
Um, it's looking like, down the line,
26
00:00:49,893 --> 00:00:51,993
your left knee is gonna
need to be replaced.
27
00:00:52,028 --> 00:00:55,096
Right knee carrying the
team to the finish line!
28
00:00:55,131 --> 00:00:57,866
?
29
00:00:57,901 --> 00:01:00,468
Oh, I know.
Tell 'em if I have AIDS or not.
30
00:01:00,504 --> 00:01:03,204
You, uh, still don't have AIDS.
31
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:04,472
Hear that, Francine?
32
00:01:04,508 --> 00:01:07,275
Doc's giving me a
prescription for raw doggin'!
33
00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:09,611
Yeah!
34
00:01:12,317 --> 00:01:14,582
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
35
00:01:14,618 --> 00:01:18,353
? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
36
00:01:18,388 --> 00:01:21,523
? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
37
00:01:21,558 --> 00:01:25,793
? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
38
00:01:27,964 --> 00:01:31,165
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
39
00:01:31,201 --> 00:01:33,835
- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
40
00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:35,103
Aah!
41
00:01:36,506 --> 00:01:39,841
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
42
00:01:42,078 --> 00:01:43,678
- [Indistinct conversations]
- I don't think this is
43
00:01:43,713 --> 00:01:47,348
the best place to eat for
someone with your cholesterol.
44
00:01:47,384 --> 00:01:48,583
Mmm.
45
00:01:48,618 --> 00:01:50,585
Dad, milk? Isn't that...
46
00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:51,886
Way ahead of you, Hayley.
47
00:01:51,922 --> 00:01:54,489
It's not milk. It's ranch dressing...
48
00:01:54,524 --> 00:01:56,291
from the Lazy Ranch River!
49
00:01:56,326 --> 00:01:58,426
Stan, the doctor gave you
this health journal
50
00:01:58,461 --> 00:02:00,828
to monitor your fitness
and eating habits.
51
00:02:00,864 --> 00:02:02,664
Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
52
00:02:02,699 --> 00:02:04,732
And you heard my stool sample results...
53
00:02:04,768 --> 00:02:07,936
Too hard to test.
54
00:02:07,971 --> 00:02:09,637
But you're getting older.
55
00:02:09,673 --> 00:02:11,739
You need to take care of yourself.
56
00:02:11,775 --> 00:02:13,775
We still have a lot of memories to make.
57
00:02:13,810 --> 00:02:15,410
Of course we do, honey.
58
00:02:15,445 --> 00:02:17,745
Now I'm gonna see how close
the ranch river gets me
59
00:02:17,781 --> 00:02:19,414
to the cheese cauldron.
60
00:02:19,449 --> 00:02:21,015
[Splash, whistle blows]
61
00:02:21,051 --> 00:02:22,550
Sir, you need to wear goggles!
62
00:02:22,586 --> 00:02:24,552
That ranch is highly chlorinated!
63
00:02:24,588 --> 00:02:26,254
If he doesn't change his lifestyle,
64
00:02:26,289 --> 00:02:27,922
something terrible could happen.
65
00:02:27,958 --> 00:02:29,958
Sadly,
people are often set in their ways
66
00:02:29,993 --> 00:02:32,026
until something really rattles them,
67
00:02:32,062 --> 00:02:34,262
like a... like a near-death experience.
68
00:02:34,297 --> 00:02:37,231
So we just hope he has
a near-death experience?
69
00:02:37,267 --> 00:02:40,868
Hope? A near-death experience
is something I can guarantee.
70
00:02:40,904 --> 00:02:42,337
You know how E.T. could
71
00:02:42,372 --> 00:02:44,539
make a cute little
nightlight with his finger?
72
00:02:44,574 --> 00:02:46,140
Well, I slept with his puppeteer.
73
00:02:46,176 --> 00:02:47,675
However, that's unrelated to the fact
74
00:02:47,711 --> 00:02:50,378
that my species is 60% electricity.
75
00:02:50,413 --> 00:02:52,680
Why do you think my Umbros
are always so static-y?
76
00:02:52,716 --> 00:02:54,682
- Anyway, I can use this...
- [Crackling]
77
00:02:54,718 --> 00:02:57,285
...to stop and restart Stan's heart.
78
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,153
He'll think he had a heart attack.
79
00:02:59,189 --> 00:03:02,824
Just give him the little scare he needs.
Watch.
80
00:03:02,859 --> 00:03:04,659
- [Electricity zaps]
- Dead.
81
00:03:04,694 --> 00:03:06,160
- [Electricity zaps]
- Alive.
82
00:03:06,196 --> 00:03:09,197
Now go get me the recipe
for this tangy Thai sauce.
83
00:03:10,734 --> 00:03:12,367
[Indistinct conversations]
84
00:03:12,402 --> 00:03:14,969
I can't believe I missed the
college fair at school today.
85
00:03:15,005 --> 00:03:16,404
Isn't it a little early
86
00:03:16,439 --> 00:03:18,573
for you guys to be
worrying about all that?
87
00:03:18,608 --> 00:03:20,308
No way! I'm already behind!
88
00:03:20,343 --> 00:03:23,711
Look, Barry already signed his
letter of intent to Gonzaga.
89
00:03:23,747 --> 00:03:27,248
Klaus: You know Coach Few's
gonna get the most out of him.
90
00:03:28,194 --> 00:03:30,518
Oh, man, if you knew
what I have in store for you,
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00:03:30,553 --> 00:03:33,755
all your worries would melt away.
92
00:03:33,790 --> 00:03:35,456
You'd be swaddled tight,
93
00:03:35,492 --> 00:03:38,960
wrapped safely in my
freshly laundered plans...
94
00:03:38,995 --> 00:03:41,329
Klaus, what the [bleep]
are you talking about?
95
00:03:41,364 --> 00:03:42,964
During my college years in Germany,
96
00:03:42,999 --> 00:03:45,333
I did a semester abroad
at Arizona State.
97
00:03:45,368 --> 00:03:47,101
I'll take you to see the campus,
98
00:03:47,137 --> 00:03:49,437
introduce you to some choice people.
99
00:03:49,472 --> 00:03:51,472
You'll be golden!
100
00:03:51,508 --> 00:03:52,807
I don't know.
101
00:03:52,842 --> 00:03:54,409
Isn't Arizona State a party school?
102
00:03:54,444 --> 00:03:57,945
How dare you?! ASU's got everything!
103
00:03:57,981 --> 00:04:00,782
It was ranked number one in
"Innovation."
104
00:04:00,817 --> 00:04:02,850
- By who?
- By the rankers!
105
00:04:02,886 --> 00:04:05,253
It's also got a sick baseball team
106
00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:09,524
and the only Chili's Too
that's not in an airport.
107
00:04:11,628 --> 00:04:15,897
Great. Now go get me the
recipe for the zesty ranch.
108
00:04:15,932 --> 00:04:17,801
I didn't know I'd want the zesty ranch
109
00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:19,600
when I sent you for the tangy Thai.
110
00:04:19,636 --> 00:04:21,235
I tried to text you.
111
00:04:25,668 --> 00:04:26,875
What's with all the coffee?
112
00:04:26,911 --> 00:04:29,711
After the amount of cheese
I consumed at Fuddruckers,
113
00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:30,846
it takes three pots' worth
114
00:04:30,881 --> 00:04:33,682
- just to get my system running again.
- Wow.
115
00:04:33,717 --> 00:04:37,152
Roger, this finger zapping
thing isn't gonna hurt, right?
116
00:04:37,188 --> 00:04:38,487
- Not a bit.
- [Crackling]
117
00:04:38,522 --> 00:04:41,290
- [Electricity zaps]
- [Groaning]
118
00:04:41,325 --> 00:04:43,525
You said it wasn't gonna hurt!
119
00:04:43,561 --> 00:04:45,894
No, I said it wouldn't hurt me.
120
00:04:45,930 --> 00:04:49,131
You! Need! To listen! Girl!
121
00:04:51,099 --> 00:04:53,035
Well, you are a lucky man.
122
00:04:53,070 --> 00:04:55,838
You had a heart attack,
but you made a full recovery.
123
00:04:55,873 --> 00:04:58,440
[Strained voice] Turn
the music on for me.
124
00:04:58,475 --> 00:05:00,609
You are capable of turning on a boombox
125
00:05:00,644 --> 00:05:03,846
one foot away all by yourself.
126
00:05:03,881 --> 00:05:06,114
Do it... nerd.
127
00:05:06,150 --> 00:05:07,482
[Sighs deeply]
128
00:05:07,518 --> 00:05:08,984
[Soft music playing]
129
00:05:09,019 --> 00:05:10,219
I owe you all an apology.
130
00:05:10,254 --> 00:05:11,653
Except you, nerd,
131
00:05:11,689 --> 00:05:13,522
But I should've listened to you guys.
132
00:05:13,557 --> 00:05:15,157
?
133
00:05:15,192 --> 00:05:17,292
From here on out, it's more exercise,
134
00:05:17,328 --> 00:05:19,494
healthier eating, and better choices.
135
00:05:19,530 --> 00:05:21,463
And I choose... Doc, next track.
136
00:05:21,498 --> 00:05:23,498
- [Rock music playing]
- ...to be a lean, mean,
137
00:05:23,534 --> 00:05:25,167
muscle flexin' machine.
138
00:05:25,202 --> 00:05:26,935
Like a phoenix, I shall rise!
139
00:05:26,971 --> 00:05:31,139
Because to be the man,
you have to beat the man!
140
00:05:31,175 --> 00:05:33,709
All: Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan!
141
00:05:33,744 --> 00:05:35,043
- [Crunch]
- [Cheering]
142
00:05:35,079 --> 00:05:36,645
Yeah! You did it!
143
00:05:38,349 --> 00:05:42,017
That chemistry lab was tight, huh?
144
00:05:42,052 --> 00:05:44,453
So much innovating going on there.
145
00:05:44,488 --> 00:05:46,355
Yeah, maybe. It was just kinda weird
146
00:05:46,390 --> 00:05:48,223
that no one knew how to
work any of the stuff.
147
00:05:48,259 --> 00:05:50,359
That's 'cause it's the latest stuff!
148
00:05:50,394 --> 00:05:52,327
I don't know about this place, Klaus.
149
00:05:52,363 --> 00:05:55,264
It says the library opens
"when Todd wakes up."
150
00:05:55,299 --> 00:05:59,501
[Heavy metal music playing]
151
00:05:59,536 --> 00:06:02,704
Hey, I think that's, like,
a frat or something.
152
00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:06,108
Should we go...
I don't know, check it out?
153
00:06:06,143 --> 00:06:07,542
Both: Klaus!
154
00:06:07,578 --> 00:06:10,345
- You know these guys?
- Everyone knows Klaus!
155
00:06:10,381 --> 00:06:13,115
One time, we didn't have
a band for Spring Fling,
156
00:06:13,150 --> 00:06:14,650
and at the total last second,
157
00:06:14,685 --> 00:06:16,885
Klaus got the Foo Fighters to play!
158
00:06:16,921 --> 00:06:19,421
And one time,
we were stuck in a Mexican prison,
159
00:06:19,456 --> 00:06:21,790
and Klaus got the Foo
Fighters to break us out!
160
00:06:21,825 --> 00:06:25,360
And one time, my parents
died in a tragic car accident,
161
00:06:25,396 --> 00:06:26,662
and Klaus missed the funeral
162
00:06:26,697 --> 00:06:29,197
because he was at a
Foo Fighters concert!
163
00:06:29,233 --> 00:06:33,468
Ahh, I had some good times here at BGZ,
164
00:06:33,504 --> 00:06:35,737
or as we're known around campus,
165
00:06:35,773 --> 00:06:37,072
Beta Gizz!
166
00:06:37,107 --> 00:06:38,507
All: Beta Gizz!
167
00:06:38,542 --> 00:06:41,443
Steve, this is Nutbutter,
Nic, and Pube Face.
168
00:06:41,478 --> 00:06:43,745
All solid, solid bros.
169
00:06:43,781 --> 00:06:46,648
Hey, I'm gonna go show my buddy around.
170
00:06:46,684 --> 00:06:49,918
[Heavy metal music playing]
171
00:06:51,388 --> 00:06:52,854
Sit on the ground, Steve.
172
00:06:52,890 --> 00:06:54,122
W-what?
173
00:06:54,158 --> 00:06:56,992
Sit your ass on the ground!
174
00:06:57,027 --> 00:07:01,430
This little bitch doesn't think
ASU's good enough for him.
175
00:07:01,465 --> 00:07:03,899
I-I'm sorry.
I don't even go to school here...
176
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:05,334
Shut up, pledge!
177
00:07:05,369 --> 00:07:09,438
Now what game do you
turds want to play first?
178
00:07:09,473 --> 00:07:12,207
Milk Gallon Chug...
179
00:07:12,242 --> 00:07:14,576
or Hot Sauce Pee-Hole?
180
00:07:14,611 --> 00:07:17,512
- Milk Gal...
- Hot Sauce Pee-Hole it is!
181
00:07:20,718 --> 00:07:23,418
Wow, look at you, ready for a run.
182
00:07:23,454 --> 00:07:27,222
A regular, um, black guy from Kenya.
183
00:07:27,257 --> 00:07:29,558
Yep, and I can't wait
to write all about it
184
00:07:29,593 --> 00:07:31,827
- in my health journal.
- Hey, I could join you.
185
00:07:31,862 --> 00:07:34,262
There's actually nothing in this bowl.
186
00:07:34,298 --> 00:07:35,931
You know what? That...
187
00:07:35,966 --> 00:07:37,165
That looks important.
188
00:07:37,201 --> 00:07:39,267
Okay. Can you hit the lights?
189
00:07:39,303 --> 00:07:40,635
[Switch clicks]
190
00:07:40,671 --> 00:07:45,741
[Eerie voice] ? La-la, la-la, la, la ?
191
00:07:51,582 --> 00:07:53,882
Roger, I know
you gave me that heart attack.
192
00:07:53,917 --> 00:07:56,651
[Gasps] It wasn't my fault!
Francine made me...
193
00:07:56,687 --> 00:07:58,854
Roger, you almost killed me...
194
00:07:58,889 --> 00:07:59,921
I know, but...
195
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,790
And I loved it! I wanna do it again!
196
00:08:01,825 --> 00:08:03,892
Gotta say, Stan, this is why I love you.
197
00:08:03,927 --> 00:08:05,527
You always surprise me.
198
00:08:05,562 --> 00:08:08,382
Whenever I think you're gonna zig,
you do a reverse zig.
199
00:08:08,465 --> 00:08:10,966
Now let's get you dead, baby!
200
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,635
...and that's the
reason why I want you...
201
00:08:15,670 --> 00:08:18,638
no, need you... to kill me again.
202
00:08:18,673 --> 00:08:20,573
What? Sorry, I was just thinking about
203
00:08:20,608 --> 00:08:23,042
what my top 20
"Mr. Belvedere" episodes are.
204
00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:25,745
But then I realized I've never seen
"Mr. Belvedere."
205
00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:27,780
Was there an episode
where he gets snowed in?
206
00:08:27,816 --> 00:08:29,649
'Cause I would put that right up there.
207
00:08:29,684 --> 00:08:32,051
And if there was a serious one
where he had a drug problem,
208
00:08:32,087 --> 00:08:34,587
I would consider that
episode very powerful,
209
00:08:34,622 --> 00:08:37,290
- but not top 20.
- Roger!
210
00:08:37,325 --> 00:08:40,993
When you stopped my heart,
everything went white.
211
00:08:41,029 --> 00:08:44,063
I woke up in what looked
like a Blockbuster Video.
212
00:08:44,099 --> 00:08:45,998
My first reaction was to kill myself
213
00:08:46,034 --> 00:08:47,834
because it wasn't a Hollywood Video.
214
00:08:47,869 --> 00:08:51,070
But then I realized I was already dead.
215
00:08:51,106 --> 00:08:53,806
It turns out this video store
216
00:08:53,842 --> 00:08:56,542
was my life flashing before my eyes.
217
00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:58,611
- It was stocked with all my memories.
- _
218
00:08:58,646 --> 00:09:00,135
They had everything,
219
00:09:00,136 --> 00:09:02,200
- from my first memory of my parents
- _
220
00:09:02,383 --> 00:09:04,884
to hot new releases like you killing me.
221
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:07,620
?
222
00:09:07,655 --> 00:09:10,790
Suddenly,
I wasn't just watching the memory...
223
00:09:10,825 --> 00:09:12,492
- [Whoosh]
- ...I was reliving it,
224
00:09:12,527 --> 00:09:14,594
feeling what it was
like to be young again.
225
00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:16,129
My bad knee didn't hurt.
226
00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:18,064
Aah!
227
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,999
- The extra weight I gained was gone.
- [Cheering]
228
00:09:20,034 --> 00:09:21,801
And though it wasn't
relevant to the memory,
229
00:09:21,836 --> 00:09:24,337
I had that extra confidence
that comes from knowing
230
00:09:24,372 --> 00:09:26,239
you can get hard all the way to the tip.
231
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,007
[Whoosh]
232
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,143
I could go back
233
00:09:30,144 --> 00:09:31,720
- to any of my favorite memories...
- _
234
00:09:32,013 --> 00:09:33,312
[Crying]
235
00:09:33,348 --> 00:09:34,914
...and eat all my favorite meals
236
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:37,517
without worrying about
any of the consequences.
237
00:09:37,552 --> 00:09:39,919
I got to feel like the guy I used to be.
238
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:43,055
All the reminders that I'm
getting old just disappeared,
239
00:09:43,091 --> 00:09:44,490
right up until you revived me.
240
00:09:44,526 --> 00:09:45,691
I have to do it again.
241
00:09:45,727 --> 00:09:47,493
Well, the first taste was free.
242
00:09:47,529 --> 00:09:49,095
Next one's gonna cost you.
243
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,663
I'll give you anything. Money...
244
00:09:50,698 --> 00:09:53,366
- [Electricity zaps]
- I just want a laugh.
245
00:09:56,604 --> 00:09:59,038
[Pinchers clicking]
246
00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:04,610
[Laughs] Good start.
247
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,212
[Pinchers clicking]
248
00:10:06,247 --> 00:10:07,713
[Laughs]
249
00:10:07,749 --> 00:10:10,183
- Aah! Stan, help me!
- [Glass shatters]
250
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,418
?
251
00:10:12,419 --> 00:10:13,419
_
252
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:17,904
_
253
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:19,926
[Whoosh]
254
00:10:20,551 --> 00:10:22,461
Order of chili fries, horsey-style.
255
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:26,766
Uh, I believe I ordered all the fixings.
256
00:10:26,801 --> 00:10:28,768
[Whistles]
257
00:10:28,803 --> 00:10:31,571
- Come on, boy! Eat faster! Eat faster!
- [Moans]
258
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,875
Someone order a pizza?
259
00:10:35,910 --> 00:10:39,045
I got an extra large sausage.
260
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,513
Mmm. Mmm.
261
00:10:40,548 --> 00:10:43,349
Is anyone cool with that
girl Megan from Kappa?
262
00:10:43,384 --> 00:10:46,852
- I know her.
- Hook it up, bro. [Spits]
263
00:10:46,888 --> 00:10:50,356
Pledges completed their
butt chug challenge.
264
00:10:50,391 --> 00:10:52,124
Gonna recycle the keg.
265
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,061
[Thudding]
266
00:10:56,064 --> 00:10:57,530
[Panting]
267
00:10:57,565 --> 00:11:00,066
Klaus: Hey, has anyone noticed
we're watching gay porn?
268
00:11:00,101 --> 00:11:02,101
Nutbutter: Maybe
it's only gay at the beginning!
269
00:11:02,136 --> 00:11:04,070
I say we keep watching!
270
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,608
This is a place of learning.
271
00:11:08,643 --> 00:11:11,580
How could every building close at
"Beer thirty"?!
272
00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:12,779
_
273
00:11:13,915 --> 00:11:16,582
[Panting] Oh, thank God!
You gotta help me!
274
00:11:16,618 --> 00:11:18,784
I was kidnapped and
held against my will!
275
00:11:18,820 --> 00:11:20,586
Well, you're lucky you ran into me.
276
00:11:20,622 --> 00:11:22,355
I'm not just a security guard.
277
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,223
I'm also the dean of the university.
278
00:11:24,259 --> 00:11:26,792
Plus, I sell loose cigarettes
for a dollar a pop.
279
00:11:26,828 --> 00:11:28,561
I've got an emergency down here.
280
00:11:28,596 --> 00:11:31,530
And tell them it was
those monsters at BGZ!
281
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,766
False alarm.
282
00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:35,167
?
283
00:11:35,203 --> 00:11:37,570
- Beta Gizz!
- Aah!
284
00:11:37,605 --> 00:11:39,972
?
285
00:11:40,008 --> 00:11:43,175
I'm so proud of your progress, honey.
286
00:11:43,211 --> 00:11:44,577
Thought I'd treat you
287
00:11:44,612 --> 00:11:47,246
to the healthiest restaurant in town.
288
00:11:47,282 --> 00:11:49,115
Yay.
289
00:11:49,150 --> 00:11:51,284
[Wheels squeak]
290
00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:54,120
You keep taking care of yourself,
and we'll be able
291
00:11:54,155 --> 00:11:57,390
to have dinners like
these for years to come.
292
00:11:57,425 --> 00:12:00,559
I, uh... gotta... go check on the car.
293
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,695
Got Bazooka Sharks stickers
all over that thing,
294
00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,830
and we're clearly in Cyber Mole country.
295
00:12:04,866 --> 00:12:06,599
Cyber Moles!
296
00:12:06,634 --> 00:12:08,401
Come on, Roger. Pick up.
297
00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:10,169
[Line rings]
298
00:12:10,204 --> 00:12:11,504
- Roger?
- Stan!
299
00:12:11,539 --> 00:12:13,572
- What are you doing here?
- Uh, working. You?
300
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,074
I'm freaking out.
301
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:17,543
This cannot be what the
rest of my life is like.
302
00:12:17,578 --> 00:12:19,345
I just need a quick little
trip to the afterlife,
303
00:12:19,380 --> 00:12:21,881
maybe visit a memory with
a stuffed-crust pizza.
304
00:12:21,916 --> 00:12:25,318
- What do you say?
- Fine, I guess I can squeeze you in.
305
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:27,219
That's some glory hole humor for ya.
306
00:12:27,255 --> 00:12:30,556
My jokes are what people show up for.
The BJs are shit.
307
00:12:30,591 --> 00:12:31,891
[Electricity zaps]
308
00:12:31,926 --> 00:12:35,227
Oh, I went ahead
and ordered some appetizers.
309
00:12:35,263 --> 00:12:36,862
- [Branch snaps]
- Enjoy.
310
00:12:36,898 --> 00:12:39,765
I, uh... I am just now realizing
311
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,368
I saw Mark McGwire
flossing in the restroom.
312
00:12:42,403 --> 00:12:44,303
I-I gotta thank him for all the homers.
313
00:12:44,339 --> 00:12:45,604
Just one more time!
314
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,906
And leave me under a little longer.
315
00:12:46,941 --> 00:12:48,541
Let me really stretch my legs in there.
316
00:12:48,576 --> 00:12:50,142
I can't do that.
317
00:12:50,178 --> 00:12:52,411
After five or six minutes,
you'll really die. Forever.
318
00:12:52,447 --> 00:12:54,380
Fine! Whatever! Just give Daddy a taste!
319
00:12:54,415 --> 00:12:55,881
[Sighs] Okay, but this is it.
320
00:12:55,917 --> 00:12:57,817
You're so addicted to the afterlife
321
00:12:57,852 --> 00:13:00,086
that you're missing out on real life.
322
00:13:00,121 --> 00:13:01,487
I-I'm not some battery.
323
00:13:01,522 --> 00:13:03,022
I'm made of flesh and blood...
324
00:13:03,057 --> 00:13:05,057
and alkaline and manganese oxide.
325
00:13:05,093 --> 00:13:06,192
But I have feelings!
326
00:13:06,227 --> 00:13:07,960
I'm just a normal guy with feelings,
327
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:11,197
who can power most
non-Samsung mobile devices.
328
00:13:11,232 --> 00:13:12,398
[Electricity zaps, thud]
329
00:13:12,433 --> 00:13:13,833
[Cellphone vibrates]
330
00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:17,036
Holy crap,
I just got a retweet from Toshi.
331
00:13:19,273 --> 00:13:22,541
Roger was right. It was crazy
to keep asking him to kill me...
332
00:13:22,577 --> 00:13:25,711
when I can just do it myself.
333
00:13:25,747 --> 00:13:28,047
[Egg timer ticking]
334
00:13:29,617 --> 00:13:32,351
Hmm, a good scientist
would test this first.
335
00:13:32,387 --> 00:13:35,654
But if I was a good scientist,
then I'd also be a nerd.
336
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:39,291
And I've made my stance
on nerds very clear.
337
00:13:39,327 --> 00:13:40,626
[Click, electricity zaps]
338
00:13:40,661 --> 00:13:42,461
- [Groans]
- [Hissing]
339
00:13:42,497 --> 00:13:43,729
[Continues ticking]
340
00:13:43,765 --> 00:13:45,131
[Whoosh]
341
00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:47,133
?
342
00:13:48,903 --> 00:13:52,805
I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind if
I took a peek at his progress.
343
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:59,612
[Pages flipping]
344
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:04,884
[Gasps] Stan hasn't changed at all!
345
00:14:04,919 --> 00:14:07,653
But he did nail my mannerisms.
346
00:14:08,956 --> 00:14:10,990
Stan! Oh, no!
347
00:14:11,025 --> 00:14:12,558
Stan, please!
348
00:14:12,593 --> 00:14:14,760
- [Click, electricity zaps]
- [Groans]
349
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:19,165
Whoa! Oh, my god! Guys!
350
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,568
Stan and Francine worked out so hard,
they fell asleep!
351
00:14:22,603 --> 00:14:23,936
Roger: Shut up and get those Fantas!
352
00:14:23,971 --> 00:14:25,137
I don't want a history lesson!
353
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:30,109
Okay, but I'm telling you,
it's super adorable.
354
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,880
[Laughing]
355
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,548
Man: Ugh, that was terrible.
356
00:14:34,583 --> 00:14:36,350
[Laughs]
357
00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:40,120
If I could play multiple
characters like Eddie Murphy,
358
00:14:40,156 --> 00:14:42,389
they'd all be watching
"Norbit" together.
359
00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:45,359
[Rumbling]
360
00:14:45,394 --> 00:14:47,895
[Whoosh]
361
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:50,197
Where am I? Is that a Shamrock Shake?
362
00:14:50,232 --> 00:14:51,398
Why, yes, it is.
363
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:53,567
But it's not even close
to St. Paddy's Day.
364
00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:55,702
Oh, my God. I know where I am.
365
00:14:55,738 --> 00:14:56,937
I'm in Ireland!
366
00:14:56,972 --> 00:14:58,772
Um... you're in heaven.
367
00:14:58,807 --> 00:14:59,698
Yeah, right, buddy.
368
00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:02,109
If this were really heaven,
I'd have a Shamrock...
369
00:15:02,144 --> 00:15:03,944
- [Bell dings]
- ...shake! [Slurps]
370
00:15:03,979 --> 00:15:05,946
But that means I actually died.
371
00:15:05,981 --> 00:15:08,715
[Slurps] Why didn't the
revival paddles fall on me?
372
00:15:08,751 --> 00:15:10,250
- [Slurps]
- Because they fell on me!
373
00:15:10,286 --> 00:15:12,252
I can't believe you killed us both!
374
00:15:12,288 --> 00:15:13,854
Well, technically, you killed us
375
00:15:13,889 --> 00:15:15,556
- when you got in the way of my...
- Stan.
376
00:15:15,591 --> 00:15:16,481
Okay, all right.
377
00:15:16,481 --> 00:15:18,292
We could sit here all day, arguing about
378
00:15:18,327 --> 00:15:20,594
whose homemade death machine killed who.
379
00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:22,162
Or we could look at the bright side.
380
00:15:22,198 --> 00:15:23,864
- We can do anything we want here!
- [Pop]
381
00:15:23,899 --> 00:15:25,499
- Bam! My bum knee is fixed.
- [Pop]
382
00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:26,967
- Bam! Ten-pack!
- [Pop]
383
00:15:27,002 --> 00:15:29,570
Bam! I have a tail. Hell, yeah!
384
00:15:29,605 --> 00:15:32,306
[Cries] Don't you get it?
385
00:15:32,341 --> 00:15:35,075
We're never gonna see our kids grow up!
386
00:15:35,110 --> 00:15:37,377
We can make our own versions
of Hayley and Steve.
387
00:15:37,413 --> 00:15:40,113
But that Hayley doesn't
even have a mouth.
388
00:15:40,149 --> 00:15:44,184
And that's not even Steve.
It's Turtle from "Entourage."
389
00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:46,853
- Yeah! Heaven!
- I just don't get it.
390
00:15:46,889 --> 00:15:49,323
What was so horrible about your life
391
00:15:49,358 --> 00:15:51,425
that you wanted to kill yourself?
392
00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:55,062
I wasn't trying to kill myself.
I was escaping into my memories.
393
00:15:55,097 --> 00:15:57,097
When I heard about my poor health,
394
00:15:57,132 --> 00:15:58,832
I-I know I played it cool,
395
00:15:58,867 --> 00:16:01,001
but I wasn't as cool
as I was playing it,
396
00:16:01,036 --> 00:16:02,536
which was super cool.
397
00:16:02,571 --> 00:16:04,504
But beneath that Joe Camel cool
398
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:06,340
was a Marlboro coward,
399
00:16:06,375 --> 00:16:09,676
terrified of the long,
slow decline of my body.
400
00:16:09,712 --> 00:16:11,945
Oh, Stan, I hear you.
401
00:16:11,981 --> 00:16:14,915
And I thank you for
sharing that with me.
402
00:16:14,950 --> 00:16:18,785
But the thing is...
you killed us, you idiot!
403
00:16:18,821 --> 00:16:22,689
We still had a lifetime of
memories to make on Earth,
404
00:16:22,725 --> 00:16:24,658
and you stole those from me!
405
00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,360
So as far as I'm concerned,
406
00:16:26,395 --> 00:16:29,563
you can spend the rest
of eternity by yourself!
407
00:16:29,598 --> 00:16:32,099
Francine, wait!
Give Turtle-Steve a chance.
408
00:16:32,134 --> 00:16:33,767
He's just like Steve,
409
00:16:33,802 --> 00:16:37,271
except he'll drive us anywhere
and he's always on ass patrol.
410
00:16:39,908 --> 00:16:41,508
[Slurping]
411
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:43,343
[Voice breaks] Just
doesn't taste the same
412
00:16:43,379 --> 00:16:46,847
without Francine begging
me to stop for my own good.
413
00:16:46,882 --> 00:16:48,248
Excuse me, do you know
414
00:16:48,284 --> 00:16:50,484
if there's any way to get back to Earth?
415
00:16:50,519 --> 00:16:53,654
Um, if you're looking to escape
the afterlife, I'd ask in hell.
416
00:16:53,689 --> 00:16:56,223
People are always trying to
get out of that craphole.
417
00:16:56,258 --> 00:16:58,592
Great. Thank you!
Sorry, one last question.
418
00:16:58,627 --> 00:17:01,328
If you're in heaven,
why do you have to work as a waitress?
419
00:17:01,363 --> 00:17:04,197
[Chuckles] Oh, no. I'm a slave.
420
00:17:05,534 --> 00:17:08,168
[Loud cheers and applause]
421
00:17:08,203 --> 00:17:11,471
[Cheering continues]
422
00:17:11,507 --> 00:17:14,608
Hey, demon, is this obstacle
course the way back to Earth?
423
00:17:14,643 --> 00:17:16,910
Nah, that's the way
out of hell into heaven.
424
00:17:16,945 --> 00:17:19,112
Announcer:
Stepping to the starting line,
425
00:17:19,148 --> 00:17:21,581
- Adolf Hitler!
- [Cheers and applause]
426
00:17:21,617 --> 00:17:25,185
Adolf is best remembered for
his work in World War II,
427
00:17:25,220 --> 00:17:28,388
and his legacy lives on
in Macklemore's haircut.
428
00:17:28,424 --> 00:17:32,059
He'll be making his 453rd attempt
429
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,428
at getting through the course tonight.
430
00:17:34,463 --> 00:17:36,029
And he's off!
431
00:17:36,065 --> 00:17:38,899
Powering through the
quintuple steps with ease!
432
00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:41,868
No trouble with the rolling log!
433
00:17:43,038 --> 00:17:45,939
Ooh! He tried to rush the salmon ladder,
434
00:17:45,974 --> 00:17:47,808
and it looks like...
435
00:17:47,843 --> 00:17:49,576
- [Screaming]
- [Roars, crunch]
436
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,311
No one ever makes it.
437
00:17:51,347 --> 00:17:53,847
But it's nice just to...
get out of the house!
438
00:17:53,882 --> 00:17:56,983
There's gotta be a way to get
me and Francine back to Earth.
439
00:17:57,019 --> 00:18:00,454
Yo, wings!
Back to heaven with you, you tourist.
440
00:18:00,489 --> 00:18:02,789
Think, Stan!
What do I know about the devil?
441
00:18:02,825 --> 00:18:05,892
? Devil with a moo mess,
moo mess, moo mess ?
442
00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:07,828
? Devil-mmm-mmm, moo mess-ma ?
443
00:18:07,863 --> 00:18:11,098
That's it! He's always makin' deals.
444
00:18:12,101 --> 00:18:14,034
Hey, you're a bettin' man, right?
445
00:18:14,069 --> 00:18:15,435
How 'bout this for a deal?
446
00:18:15,471 --> 00:18:17,137
You send my wife and me back to Earth
447
00:18:17,172 --> 00:18:18,839
to live out the rest of our lives.
448
00:18:18,874 --> 00:18:21,875
And... yawn. What's in it for me?
449
00:18:21,910 --> 00:18:24,511
Next time I die, I won't go to heaven.
450
00:18:24,546 --> 00:18:25,979
You get my soul.
451
00:18:26,014 --> 00:18:28,315
So you're willing to give up heaven
452
00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:31,985
for a few more miserable years on Earth?
453
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:34,254
Yes, because
all the heaven I've ever needed
454
00:18:34,289 --> 00:18:36,790
was being with Francine and my kids.
455
00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:39,826
Oh, wow, Stan. I had no idea...
456
00:18:39,862 --> 00:18:42,162
that you were such a bitch!
457
00:18:42,197 --> 00:18:44,364
Fine, you got a deal.
458
00:18:45,367 --> 00:18:47,300
Oh, and when you get back to Earth,
459
00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:49,536
tell Rachael Ray to [bleep] off.
460
00:18:49,571 --> 00:18:51,037
She'll know what she did.
461
00:18:51,073 --> 00:18:53,407
That is not how you
treat another person!
462
00:18:53,442 --> 00:18:55,976
- [Smacks]
- [Flames whoosh]
463
00:18:57,012 --> 00:19:00,313
I can't believe they're dead! [Gasping]
464
00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:02,849
Now I'm just as broken
up about this as you are,
465
00:19:02,885 --> 00:19:05,519
but we can't ignore the facts...
It's pretty chilly out,
466
00:19:05,554 --> 00:19:07,587
and neither of us knows
how to work the thermostat.
467
00:19:07,623 --> 00:19:10,023
Our only option is to
slice open the bodies
468
00:19:10,058 --> 00:19:11,925
so we can huddle inside them for warmth.
469
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,127
[Inhales deeply] Let's do it.
470
00:19:14,163 --> 00:19:16,663
I refuse to sleep in socks.
471
00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:18,565
[Both gasp loudly]
472
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,434
Stan, we're alive!
473
00:19:20,469 --> 00:19:21,802
Oh, thank God!
474
00:19:21,837 --> 00:19:23,470
What... happened?
475
00:19:23,505 --> 00:19:26,773
I guess someone realized we
needed more time here together.
476
00:19:26,809 --> 00:19:28,175
And this time around,
477
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:30,844
I'm gonna make it last
as long as possible.
478
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,713
[Lowered voice]
'Cause then I'm going to hell.
479
00:19:33,749 --> 00:19:35,182
What's with the knife?
480
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:37,517
You shouldn't have to
be a goddamn electrician
481
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:38,885
to live in this house!
482
00:19:38,921 --> 00:19:41,221
[Door creaks open]
483
00:19:41,256 --> 00:19:43,990
Oh, is it cookie time already?
484
00:19:44,026 --> 00:19:46,726
Circle up, boys. We have a game to play.
485
00:19:46,762 --> 00:19:49,062
No, Steve, you're late for graduation!
486
00:19:49,097 --> 00:19:50,797
From pledging?
487
00:19:50,833 --> 00:19:52,466
No, from ASU!
488
00:19:52,501 --> 00:19:54,868
Come on, it's about to start!
489
00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:56,937
How?! I was only here for a week.
490
00:19:56,972 --> 00:19:59,673
Remember when you asked a
question in the science lab?
491
00:19:59,708 --> 00:20:02,742
That was the minimum
requirement to graduate!
492
00:20:02,778 --> 00:20:04,344
Now hurry up!
493
00:20:04,379 --> 00:20:07,814
Oh, and get a speech ready.
You're also valedictorian!
494
00:20:07,850 --> 00:20:09,216
[Applause]
495
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:11,384
[Feedback whines]
496
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:15,206
- [Heavy metal music playing]
- _
497
00:20:15,241 --> 00:20:18,314
_
498
00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:22,511
_
499
00:20:22,612 --> 00:20:24,507
_
500
00:20:25,296 --> 00:20:27,117
_
501
00:20:27,218 --> 00:20:29,429
_
502
00:20:29,430 --> 00:20:31,630
_
503
00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:33,607
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
504
00:20:33,642 --> 00:20:35,008
[Water bubbles]
505
00:20:35,043 --> 00:20:37,744
[Birds chirping]
506
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,946
Stan, ready for a jog?
507
00:20:39,982 --> 00:20:41,147
Yep! Just one minute.
508
00:20:41,183 --> 00:20:42,449
Stan, I love that
509
00:20:42,484 --> 00:20:44,484
you're beasting it on the salmon ladder,
510
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,887
but there's no shame in starting basic.
511
00:20:46,922 --> 00:20:49,990
I know. I just think this will
be very beneficial long-term.
512
00:20:50,025 --> 00:20:51,191
[Groans]
513
00:20:51,226 --> 00:20:53,159
I need to live forever.
514
00:20:53,195 --> 00:20:55,095
- That's the spirit!
- [Flames whoosh]
515
00:20:55,145 --> 00:20:59,695
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