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ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to
the 70th Annual C.I.A. Awards,
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00:00:03,901 --> 00:00:05,901
with your host, Nicki Minaj.
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00:00:05,903 --> 00:00:07,136
[Applause]
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00:00:07,797 --> 00:00:09,738
When I was asked to host these awards,
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00:00:09,850 --> 00:00:11,083
I was a little nervous.
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00:00:11,085 --> 00:00:13,185
Maybe because I was thrown into a van
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and injected with mind-control drugs.
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[Laughter]
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Damn, this new Billy Crystal
has the juiciest ass.
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00:00:20,561 --> 00:00:22,227
But as they kick in,
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00:00:22,229 --> 00:00:24,363
it's becoming a night
of magical moments.
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00:00:24,365 --> 00:00:28,867
We've seen Agent Jackson win
Best Wiretap Sound Mixing.
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00:00:28,869 --> 00:00:30,636
- [Applause]
- Whoo, Jackson!
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00:00:30,638 --> 00:00:33,372
And, of course,
Deputy Director Bullock's
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00:00:33,374 --> 00:00:35,607
annual win for Best Chili.
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00:00:35,609 --> 00:00:37,810
[Applause]
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And the winner for Best
Undercover Agent is...
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00:00:42,149 --> 00:00:44,216
Agent X.
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00:00:44,218 --> 00:00:47,553
[Applause]
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00:00:47,555 --> 00:00:48,687
[Distorted] Wow!
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00:00:48,689 --> 00:00:50,522
I didn't even prepare a speech.
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00:00:50,524 --> 00:00:52,858
Felix, Isabella, you can go to bed now.
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00:00:52,860 --> 00:00:55,227
Oh, God.
I said your names on television.
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00:00:55,229 --> 00:00:57,196
Pack your bags. Get out of the house.
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Make sure you're not being followed!
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00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:03,168
Daddy's bringing this to
the place we discussed!
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00:01:03,170 --> 00:01:05,704
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Good morning, U.S.A.
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I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day
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The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
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And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race
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Oh, boy, it's swell to say
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-
Good...
-
Good morning, U.S.A.
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Aah!
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Good morning, U.S.A.
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[Applause]
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And the award for Most
Elusive Villain goes to...
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[Whispering] Is everyone in position?
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The Falcon!
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[Silenced gunfire]
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ANNOUNCER: This is the third time
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the Falcon has not fallen for this.
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And now, the only agent who refuses
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to wear a towel in the
C.I.A. locker room, Duper!
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[Applause]
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The nominees for Best
Spy Seduction Are...
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Tyrese Gibson for "Senior Seduction."
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[Applause]
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00:02:04,331 --> 00:02:07,933
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00:02:07,935 --> 00:02:10,769
Dick Reynolds for "Dictator's Horse."
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[Applause]
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00:02:11,872 --> 00:02:13,238
[Insects chirping]
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[Beeping]
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[Squish!]
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00:02:22,483 --> 00:02:26,985
And Stan Smith for "Smokin'
Hot North Korean Super Spy."
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00:02:26,987 --> 00:02:31,390
We simply must stop running
into each other like this.
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Red wine and everclear.
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You remembered.
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Or maybe I just forgot to forget.
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00:02:38,766 --> 00:02:41,900
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[Applause]
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And the winner is...
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Stan Smith.
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[Applause]
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00:02:53,580 --> 00:02:55,347
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00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,482
Oh, there's so many people to thank.
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00:02:57,484 --> 00:03:00,285
But I wouldn't be here
without my elementary school
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gym teacher, Mr. Raggins,
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who taught me everything
I know about seduction.
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[Cheers and applause]
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[Insects chirping]
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After all these years,
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it turns out Stan Smith can be romantic!
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You seduced the crap out of that spy.
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No biggie.
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I just put hours of thought
into who she is as a person
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and what would make her truly happy,
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and then I gave it to her.
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Well, how about you give it to me?
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Pass.
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[Blows nose]
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Sexy Stan is just an act
I put on for work.
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At home, you get the real me.
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This little sucker was
trying to make a run for it.
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00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:42,229
The hell you do.
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00:03:42,231 --> 00:03:44,473
Francine, I think
I feel a pimple on my back.
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Can you take a look?
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Can we do our gross stuff tomorrow?
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I'm still hoping to get
a little of that sexy,
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suave Stan I saw tonight.
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00:03:52,074 --> 00:03:54,775
Hey, it's not like you're
hot and sexy 24/7 either.
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00:03:54,777 --> 00:03:57,044
What about your nasty, jagged toenail
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that's always scratching
up my leg in bed?
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You ran over my foot with your car
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00:04:01,216 --> 00:04:02,949
and it never grew back right!
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00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:05,085
That was for a bit,
and it was hilarious.
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00:04:05,087 --> 00:04:06,970
This is exactly my point.
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00:04:07,005 --> 00:04:10,657
I bet you don't talk to Korean
spies about their toenails.
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Of course not. They're Korean.
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Well-manicured feet
are part of the deal.
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00:04:14,430 --> 00:04:15,729
I'm going to bed,
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right after I just destroy the bathroom.
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[Door closes]
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00:04:20,269 --> 00:04:22,869
Oh, Francine, you deserve better.
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Klaus? Were you hiding back there?
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00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,974
Hiding? This is a normal bowl spot.
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00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:31,111
Listen, the reason
Stan only romances spies
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is because spies have
something he needs,
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and you don't.
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That's not true. I have a...
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Vaginas don't count.
112
00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:40,120
They're, like, all over the place.
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00:04:40,122 --> 00:04:41,922
Throw a rock, you'll hit three.
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Beep, beep, beep.
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[Birds chirping]
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Last night was a doozy.
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Woke up in a pool of blood
with my thumb up my ass.
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I think I'm sleeping wrong.
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00:04:54,436 --> 00:04:58,071
And I brought Miss Nicki Minaj back here
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and had the squeakiest sex of my life.
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Or did I?
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Francine?
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Honey, I feel awful about last night.
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I know you can't be the same
guy at home as you are at work,
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00:05:13,322 --> 00:05:19,126
so I came down to break me
off a piece of sexy work Stan.
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Right here, in front of everyone?
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00:05:21,130 --> 00:05:24,364
Oh, I think they'll leave us
alone when they hear about
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00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:27,434
the double fudge brownies
I left in the kitchen.
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00:05:27,436 --> 00:05:30,404
I get your drift, you sly little minx.
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00:05:30,406 --> 00:05:31,738
Attention, everyone!
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There's brownies in the kitchen!
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Follow me!
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God, I'm bored, but things will pick up
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as soon as the mail gets here.
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Oh, yeah. The mail's
going to be a game changer.
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00:05:44,853 --> 00:05:46,653
I mean, it's the mail.
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The mail always delivers.
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[Tires screech]
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Guess what! I'm into classic cars now.
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Screw the mail!
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Oh, yeah!
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00:05:54,863 --> 00:05:56,596
That's right. I'm going to be one of
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those regal road dogs,
showing off his wheels
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in the Bob's Big Boy parking lot,
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00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,235
a real PTHer.
146
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,471
PTH stands for "Pop The Hood."
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00:06:04,473 --> 00:06:06,940
We have our own lingo, us car-heads.
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00:06:06,942 --> 00:06:08,942
"Car-heads" meaning "car likers."
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00:06:08,944 --> 00:06:10,610
Roger, this is so cool.
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00:06:10,612 --> 00:06:11,778
How'd you get into it?
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00:06:11,780 --> 00:06:13,713
Well, if you must know...
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00:06:13,715 --> 00:06:16,349
I was wheelbarrowing home
from the liquor store
153
00:06:16,351 --> 00:06:18,251
when I happened upon a vintage Mustang.
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Now, normally,
I couldn't care less about
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some old hunk of junk,
but something happened,
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00:06:23,459 --> 00:06:27,294
something truly amazing.
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I mean, what's better than a
thumbs-up from a mustache guy?
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I don't know, two mustache guys
giving you a thumbs-up?
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00:06:33,836 --> 00:06:35,202
Oh, no. You don't want that. Trust me.
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The answer is nothing.
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Nothing is better.
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00:06:38,340 --> 00:06:40,507
And if toolin' around in some old car
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is my ticket to Thumb Town,
then vroom, vroom, baby!
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"Vroom, vroom."
I like the sound of that.
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00:06:46,648 --> 00:06:48,381
How do we get involved?
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00:06:48,383 --> 00:06:51,251
It's Classic Cruisers night
down at the Triple B...
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00:06:51,253 --> 00:06:52,819
Bob's Big Boy. More lingo.
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00:06:52,821 --> 00:06:55,589
So, how about we buff another
coat of sparkle on this baby
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and go get thumbed by a mustache guy?
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Vroom, vroom!
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Oh, yeah!
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00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,865
[Laughter]
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00:07:04,867 --> 00:07:07,467
Oh, my God. We're so bad.
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00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:08,969
At eating.
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00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:11,238
Sir, a thumb drive
with the identities of half
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00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,406
our undercover agents
around the world was stolen
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00:07:13,408 --> 00:07:14,975
during our brownie break!
178
00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:17,310
Well, those agents knew the risks.
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00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:19,980
The drive also had a copy
of your secret chili recipe.
180
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:22,182
Aaaah!
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00:07:22,184 --> 00:07:24,518
We must stop at nothing
to get that drive back.
182
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,287
Nothing! But who could have stolen it?
183
00:07:27,289 --> 00:07:29,856
The Jackal? The Falcon? Who?
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00:07:29,858 --> 00:07:31,424
185
00:07:31,426 --> 00:07:33,059
The Beaver.
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00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:35,862
Sorry, Francine,
are you talking to somebody?
187
00:07:35,864 --> 00:07:37,297
I'm not Francine.
188
00:07:37,299 --> 00:07:41,301
I'm a hot-ass super spy
with stolen C.I.A. secrets.
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00:07:41,303 --> 00:07:42,502
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00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:43,870
The Beaver.
191
00:07:43,872 --> 00:07:46,573
Oh, I want a cool spy name.
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I will be...
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00:07:47,743 --> 00:07:48,842
194
00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:50,043
The Beaver.
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00:07:50,045 --> 00:07:52,078
Hold on. That's my name.
196
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:52,899
No way!
197
00:07:53,092 --> 00:07:56,983
We came up with the same spy
name at the exact same time.
198
00:08:00,461 --> 00:08:01,761
You were right, Klaus.
199
00:08:01,763 --> 00:08:04,046
I didn't have anything Stan needs.
200
00:08:04,046 --> 00:08:05,364
But now I do.
201
00:08:05,366 --> 00:08:08,134
Or should I say the Beaver does?
202
00:08:08,136 --> 00:08:10,035
And once the C.I.A. realizes
203
00:08:10,037 --> 00:08:12,338
a lady spy has their thumb drive,
204
00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:15,074
they'll send Stan to
romance it away from her.
205
00:08:15,076 --> 00:08:17,343
And "her" is me!
206
00:08:17,345 --> 00:08:21,013
So it's me who's getting
romanced by Stan,
207
00:08:21,015 --> 00:08:23,482
because I have something he needs!
208
00:08:23,484 --> 00:08:25,217
Yeah, I got it like five words in.
209
00:08:25,219 --> 00:08:26,552
It's not that complicated.
210
00:08:26,554 --> 00:08:30,089
Now I just need a website
for the C.I.A. to find
211
00:08:30,091 --> 00:08:33,459
advertising that the drive
is for sale to terrorists.
212
00:08:33,461 --> 00:08:34,460
I can make it!
213
00:08:34,462 --> 00:08:36,362
I bleed HTML!
214
00:08:37,865 --> 00:08:41,967
Okay, let's set this baby up
with a CSS on the back end,
215
00:08:41,969 --> 00:08:44,136
tweak the G.U.I., enable JavaScript,
216
00:08:44,138 --> 00:08:48,741
register the site at geocities.com,
and... voil?�.
217
00:08:48,743 --> 00:08:51,110
Klaus! It's breathtaking!
218
00:08:51,112 --> 00:08:52,645
Hold on, hold on.
219
00:08:52,647 --> 00:08:55,381
The cherry on top.
220
00:08:55,383 --> 00:08:59,285
[MIDI music playing]
221
00:09:11,232 --> 00:09:14,533
And it can't be turned off.
222
00:09:17,205 --> 00:09:19,371
Sure, the outside looks clean,
223
00:09:19,373 --> 00:09:22,007
but what about the engine?
224
00:09:22,009 --> 00:09:23,375
[Engine running]
225
00:09:23,377 --> 00:09:26,478
Hmm, it's so clean,
I can eat an egg off it.
226
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,148
[Sizzling]
227
00:09:32,386 --> 00:09:36,155
I declare this vintage
automobile perfectly restored.
228
00:09:36,157 --> 00:09:39,658
Roger, look... a mustache man!
229
00:09:41,295 --> 00:09:42,561
He's giving you a thumbs-up!
230
00:09:42,563 --> 00:09:45,664
And he's got the bacon for your eggs!
231
00:09:45,666 --> 00:09:47,333
Shh.
232
00:09:47,335 --> 00:09:49,401
Shut the [bleep] up, Steve.
233
00:09:52,106 --> 00:09:54,240
Is that Jay Leno?
234
00:09:54,242 --> 00:09:57,309
Yep. Classic cars are
the perfect Leno bait.
235
00:09:57,311 --> 00:10:00,779
See, this wasn't about Bob's Big Boy
mustache rides or whatever.
236
00:10:00,781 --> 00:10:03,015
It's about revenge.
237
00:10:05,620 --> 00:10:08,854
Wow, Roger's gotten a lot of use
out of that dog-catcher pole.
238
00:10:08,856 --> 00:10:10,623
Great purchase.
239
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,394
- [Beep]
- Guys, I have a Google alert
240
00:10:15,396 --> 00:10:18,130
for the word "spies,"
and a new site just went up.
241
00:10:18,132 --> 00:10:19,999
- Ooh! Sparkly!
- _
242
00:10:20,001 --> 00:10:21,433
- High tech!
- _
243
00:10:21,435 --> 00:10:25,271
This Beaver claims to
be a hot-ass super spy
244
00:10:25,273 --> 00:10:27,606
selling a stolen C.I.A. thumb drive.
245
00:10:27,608 --> 00:10:29,375
How are we going to get that drive back?
246
00:10:29,377 --> 00:10:31,343
We're not going to do anything.
247
00:10:31,345 --> 00:10:33,045
We'll send in our heartbreaker.
248
00:10:33,047 --> 00:10:34,980
Smith, get to work.
249
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,415
Right away, sir.
250
00:10:36,417 --> 00:10:39,051
[MIDI music playing]
251
00:10:39,053 --> 00:10:40,686
- [Music stops]
- _
252
00:10:40,688 --> 00:10:41,720
- Oop!
- _
253
00:10:43,369 --> 00:10:44,127
_
254
00:10:44,492 --> 00:10:47,359
Ooh! Stan's in the chat room.
255
00:10:47,361 --> 00:10:48,661
"Hello, stranger.
256
00:10:48,663 --> 00:10:51,063
Welcome to the Beaver's Dam."
257
00:10:51,065 --> 00:10:52,398
Watch out, boys.
258
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,566
Things are about to get charming.
259
00:10:54,568 --> 00:10:57,436
"Miss Beaver, I understand you have
260
00:10:57,438 --> 00:11:00,306
a hot item you're looking to share."
261
00:11:01,575 --> 00:11:02,608
[Ding!]
262
00:11:02,610 --> 00:11:04,109
Winky face.
263
00:11:04,111 --> 00:11:05,644
A keyboard Casanova.
264
00:11:05,646 --> 00:11:06,679
Ahh!
265
00:11:06,681 --> 00:11:09,515
"A lot of men want my hot item.
266
00:11:09,517 --> 00:11:11,583
Why should I give it to you?"
267
00:11:11,585 --> 00:11:14,053
"You give me your thumb drive
268
00:11:14,055 --> 00:11:16,889
and I'll give you my 6-inch floppy."
269
00:11:16,891 --> 00:11:18,557
My God. This is so erotic.
270
00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:21,961
I know. Stan's finally seducing me.
271
00:11:21,963 --> 00:11:24,563
Although I never pictured
you being part of it.
272
00:11:24,565 --> 00:11:26,899
Funny, it's the only way I pictured it.
273
00:11:26,901 --> 00:11:29,335
[Beeping]
274
00:11:29,337 --> 00:11:32,071
[Keys clacking]
275
00:11:32,073 --> 00:11:33,072
[Beeping]
276
00:11:33,074 --> 00:11:35,975
[Laughs]
277
00:11:35,977 --> 00:11:38,243
[Keys clacking]
278
00:11:38,245 --> 00:11:41,780
[Giggling]
279
00:11:44,352 --> 00:11:47,753
[Keys clacking]
280
00:11:54,328 --> 00:11:56,795
[Rapid clacking]
281
00:11:56,797 --> 00:12:01,567
[All gasping]
282
00:12:01,569 --> 00:12:04,303
"There's a masquerade ball on Friday.
283
00:12:04,305 --> 00:12:08,374
Be dressed in red and we'll
make a little exchange."
284
00:12:08,376 --> 00:12:12,378
"I was hoping for more
of a big exchange."
285
00:12:12,380 --> 00:12:15,547
"How about an average-sized exchange
286
00:12:15,549 --> 00:12:17,883
from a very attentive exchanger,
287
00:12:17,885 --> 00:12:22,888
one with the stamina for
up to two exchanges?"
288
00:12:22,890 --> 00:12:25,090
[Muffled shouting]
289
00:12:25,092 --> 00:12:28,460
Roger, this cage is supposed
to be for the whole family,
290
00:12:28,462 --> 00:12:30,295
but you're always the one using it.
291
00:12:30,297 --> 00:12:32,798
And why exactly did you need to capture
292
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,166
a retired talk-show host?
293
00:12:34,168 --> 00:12:35,567
[Shouting continues]
294
00:12:35,569 --> 00:12:36,535
[Clang]
295
00:12:36,537 --> 00:12:38,137
Simple. I was flipping through
296
00:12:38,139 --> 00:12:40,806
my revenge book the other day
and saw his name in there.
297
00:12:40,808 --> 00:12:41,907
Whoa!
298
00:12:41,909 --> 00:12:43,442
What did Jay Leno do to you?
299
00:12:43,444 --> 00:12:45,477
Oh, I'll tell you what he did.
300
00:12:46,214 --> 00:12:48,247
The year was 1978
301
00:12:48,249 --> 00:12:50,649
and I had a weekly spot
at the Comedy Store.
302
00:12:50,651 --> 00:12:52,851
I was an angry comic, very political,
303
00:12:52,853 --> 00:12:55,554
driven beyond all
reason to shock people,
304
00:12:55,556 --> 00:12:58,824
and in the audience one
night was a young Jay Leno.
305
00:12:58,826 --> 00:13:02,161
Oh, my God! Leno stole your jokes?
306
00:13:02,163 --> 00:13:03,629
Yeah, no, now that I think of it,
307
00:13:03,631 --> 00:13:06,732
he was actually just
giving me helpful feedback.
308
00:13:06,734 --> 00:13:09,601
I had a 10-minute bit about
poisoning Jimmy Carter
309
00:13:09,603 --> 00:13:12,104
and Jay suggested I talk
about how airplane food
310
00:13:12,106 --> 00:13:13,472
doesn't taste good instead.
311
00:13:13,474 --> 00:13:16,275
That eventually led to
my famous train-food bit
312
00:13:16,277 --> 00:13:17,743
which got me kicked off "Star Search"
313
00:13:17,745 --> 00:13:20,312
because it was too racist.
314
00:13:20,314 --> 00:13:22,748
So Jay Leno didn't do
anything wrong to you.
315
00:13:22,750 --> 00:13:24,817
He's in the revenge book, Hayley.
316
00:13:24,819 --> 00:13:26,652
That means he did
something that is worthy
317
00:13:26,654 --> 00:13:29,154
of taking revenge upon, Hayley.
318
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:31,390
Wonder what it was.
319
00:13:31,392 --> 00:13:33,492
So, Jay, do you ever get nervous
320
00:13:33,494 --> 00:13:36,462
that you're going to make a joke
and nobody's going to laugh?
321
00:13:36,464 --> 00:13:37,729
[Muffled mumbling]
322
00:13:37,731 --> 00:13:39,398
Come on, comic to comic.
323
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:40,799
[Speaks indistinctly]
324
00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:42,868
Shut up! How dare you distract me
325
00:13:42,870 --> 00:13:45,170
from trying to remember why I hate you.
326
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:48,273
327
00:13:55,382 --> 00:13:57,449
Well, well, well.
328
00:13:57,451 --> 00:13:59,618
If it isn't... Francine?!
329
00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:01,086
What the hell are you doing here?!
330
00:14:01,088 --> 00:14:02,955
Who's Francine Smith?
331
00:14:02,957 --> 00:14:04,056
I'm...
332
00:14:04,058 --> 00:14:05,691
333
00:14:05,693 --> 00:14:06,725
The Beaver.
334
00:14:06,727 --> 00:14:08,861
First off, that's Klaus' spy name.
335
00:14:08,863 --> 00:14:10,629
And second, what the hell are you doing
336
00:14:10,631 --> 00:14:12,531
stealing classified national secrets?
337
00:14:12,533 --> 00:14:15,801
I wanted you to seduce me,
like you do your spies.
338
00:14:15,803 --> 00:14:17,603
When I do that, it's an act.
339
00:14:17,605 --> 00:14:18,971
What we have is real.
340
00:14:18,973 --> 00:14:20,506
It's the everyday stuff.
341
00:14:20,508 --> 00:14:22,808
It's eating Bagel Bites
while watching "Shark Tank"
342
00:14:22,810 --> 00:14:24,309
until one of us falls asleep.
343
00:14:24,311 --> 00:14:26,044
Now give me that drive.
344
00:14:26,046 --> 00:14:27,513
Fine.
345
00:14:27,515 --> 00:14:29,214
My purse! It's gone!
346
00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:31,917
And the drive's inside it!
347
00:14:31,919 --> 00:14:33,318
It's the Falcon!
348
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:34,953
[Tires squeal]
349
00:14:35,857 --> 00:14:38,257
Hurry! Get the valet to bring your car
350
00:14:38,259 --> 00:14:39,291
and we'll chase him!
351
00:14:39,293 --> 00:14:41,059
I-I didn't valet.
352
00:14:41,061 --> 00:14:42,729
You know it's free, Stan.
353
00:14:42,764 --> 00:14:44,396
But you've still got to tip him.
354
00:14:44,398 --> 00:14:46,832
Maybe I should have married the Falcon.
355
00:14:49,606 --> 00:14:51,039
Damn it, Francine!
356
00:14:51,041 --> 00:14:52,874
The Falcon could be anywhere
with that thumb drive.
357
00:14:52,876 --> 00:14:54,910
The C.I.A. has no way to find him.
358
00:14:54,912 --> 00:14:57,946
I'm sorry, Stan, but if the C.I.A.
359
00:14:57,948 --> 00:15:00,515
can't get to him, maybe you need to...
360
00:15:00,517 --> 00:15:02,484
leave it to the Beaver.
361
00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:04,219
The show's called "Leave It to Beaver."
362
00:15:04,221 --> 00:15:06,655
If you're adding words
to make it work, abandon ship.
363
00:15:06,657 --> 00:15:09,424
Listen, he knew I'd be
at the masquerade ball.
364
00:15:09,426 --> 00:15:11,437
He must have been
monitoring my chat room.
365
00:15:11,437 --> 00:15:13,562
Let's see if he still is.
366
00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:17,499
"Well-played, Falcon,
but I have even better
367
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:21,203
C.I.A. info than what
was on that drive."
368
00:15:21,205 --> 00:15:23,071
The trap is set.
369
00:15:23,073 --> 00:15:25,240
I guess we've got some
time on our hands.
370
00:15:25,242 --> 00:15:28,643
How much you want to bet me
I can fit inside the wall?
371
00:15:34,451 --> 00:15:36,685
You owe me 10 bucks.
372
00:15:37,493 --> 00:15:38,653
ROGER: No sleeping!
373
00:15:38,655 --> 00:15:42,424
I will remember what you did to me.
374
00:15:42,426 --> 00:15:44,126
I think I know.
375
00:15:46,463 --> 00:15:48,597
Good question. Hmm.
376
00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:50,665
Who is the current vice president?
377
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:53,201
Oh! "Stone Cold" Steve Austin!
378
00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:54,970
[Laughter]
379
00:15:54,972 --> 00:15:56,671
You know what? Screw you!
380
00:15:56,673 --> 00:15:58,206
People are stupid? That's your joke?
381
00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,942
That the average Joes
you've spent decades
382
00:16:00,944 --> 00:16:02,544
pandering to are idiots?
383
00:16:02,546 --> 00:16:06,148
Well, we're not. That's a stereostripe!
384
00:16:06,150 --> 00:16:08,483
[Laughter]
385
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:10,886
And there you have it,
386
00:16:10,888 --> 00:16:13,088
the reason you want revenge on Jay Leno.
387
00:16:13,090 --> 00:16:15,056
Actually, as humiliating as that was,
388
00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:17,359
a casting agent saw it
and booked me a role
389
00:16:17,361 --> 00:16:18,827
on "NCIS: L.A."
390
00:16:18,829 --> 00:16:23,098
It was huge for my career,
just... just huge.
391
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,767
392
00:16:25,769 --> 00:16:27,669
Freeze! NCIS L.A.!
393
00:16:27,671 --> 00:16:30,238
NCIS L.A.! Hands in the air!
394
00:16:31,942 --> 00:16:33,742
- [Laughs]
- [Laughs]
395
00:16:33,744 --> 00:16:36,511
Only in NCIS: L.A.
396
00:16:36,513 --> 00:16:37,612
[Beep]
397
00:16:37,614 --> 00:16:38,680
Stan!
398
00:16:38,682 --> 00:16:40,582
The Falcon replied!
399
00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:43,385
"Beaver, I want to buy new secrets.
400
00:16:43,387 --> 00:16:47,122
Meet me at casino to discuss.
401
00:16:47,124 --> 00:16:48,757
I send address."
402
00:16:48,759 --> 00:16:50,826
STAN: Well, pack your bags, Beaver.
403
00:16:50,828 --> 00:16:53,328
Looks like we're going on a mission.
404
00:16:53,330 --> 00:16:55,230
Huh. I'm only at the stairs?
405
00:16:55,232 --> 00:16:57,132
I thought I made it to the kitchen.
406
00:16:57,134 --> 00:16:59,568
407
00:17:05,475 --> 00:17:07,008
- [Needle-scratch]
- I told you,
408
00:17:07,010 --> 00:17:08,910
you're way over-dressed
for Atlantic City.
409
00:17:08,912 --> 00:17:10,545
Now, let's get that drive back.
410
00:17:10,547 --> 00:17:12,514
He's not just going to give it to us.
411
00:17:12,516 --> 00:17:14,216
That's why you're going to seduce him
412
00:17:14,218 --> 00:17:15,650
and get him up to the hotel room
413
00:17:15,652 --> 00:17:17,118
where I'll be waiting.
414
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:18,553
Sexy spy fun!
415
00:17:18,555 --> 00:17:20,288
No. Life-and-death work.
416
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:21,923
And there's our man.
417
00:17:25,062 --> 00:17:28,496
I believe we have business
to discuss, Mr. Falcon.
418
00:17:28,498 --> 00:17:30,599
Shall we adjourn to my room?
419
00:17:30,601 --> 00:17:33,635
You expect me to go
upstairs with a stranger?
420
00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:35,737
[Laughs]
421
00:17:35,739 --> 00:17:37,706
I am more careful than that.
422
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:40,542
Before I go with you, I must know...
423
00:17:40,544 --> 00:17:44,279
Is the inspection certificate
in the elevator up to date?
424
00:17:44,281 --> 00:17:47,282
[Both gasping]
425
00:17:47,284 --> 00:17:49,784
Sorry to make it a whole big thing,
426
00:17:49,786 --> 00:17:52,087
but I just don't trust elevators
427
00:17:52,089 --> 00:17:57,626
when sign says "certificate on file
at front desk."
428
00:17:59,096 --> 00:18:01,029
Okay, guys? This is funny.
429
00:18:01,031 --> 00:18:03,798
This is really, really funny,
like, classic me.
430
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,601
Turns out this isn't
my revenge book at all!
431
00:18:06,603 --> 00:18:08,003
It's my autograph book!
432
00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:11,506
And to think I chemically blinded
Michael Chiklis for nothing!
433
00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,375
So if Leno didn't do anything wrong,
434
00:18:13,377 --> 00:18:14,743
can we let him go now?
435
00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:16,244
Uh, yeah, Steve.
436
00:18:16,246 --> 00:18:18,079
Is he always like this?
437
00:18:18,081 --> 00:18:19,314
[Flies buzzing]
438
00:18:19,316 --> 00:18:22,817
Okay, who was in charge of feeding him?
439
00:18:22,819 --> 00:18:24,419
Guys, come on.
440
00:18:24,421 --> 00:18:27,589
Let's not let Jay Leno
ruin yet another night.
441
00:18:27,591 --> 00:18:29,658
Well, I'll be.
442
00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:32,093
Eyes to the right, kids.
443
00:18:32,095 --> 00:18:33,228
[Ding!]
444
00:18:33,230 --> 00:18:34,229
[Ding!]
445
00:18:34,231 --> 00:18:35,363
[Ding!]
446
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:36,431
Huh.
447
00:18:36,433 --> 00:18:37,933
That does feel kind of good.
448
00:18:37,935 --> 00:18:39,968
Maybe we should have done
the classic car thing.
449
00:18:39,970 --> 00:18:42,270
Oh, well. Live and learn.
450
00:18:45,628 --> 00:18:47,755
_
451
00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:51,413
Here we are, all alone in my room.
452
00:18:51,415 --> 00:18:52,781
Oh, God!
453
00:18:52,783 --> 00:18:54,983
Tell your partner to
throw out his weapon
454
00:18:54,985 --> 00:18:57,385
and come out with his hands up.
455
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:58,653
Stan, he's got a gun!
456
00:18:58,655 --> 00:19:01,356
This isn't fun anymore!
457
00:19:01,358 --> 00:19:03,625
STAN: Okay, Falcon, you've got my gun.
458
00:19:03,627 --> 00:19:05,226
How about sliding me a magazine?
459
00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:06,995
I'm in the middle of a monster D here
460
00:19:06,997 --> 00:19:09,497
and I'm tired of reading
this shampoo bottle.
461
00:19:09,499 --> 00:19:10,865
[Clicking]
462
00:19:10,867 --> 00:19:13,034
This is all my fault, Stan.
463
00:19:13,036 --> 00:19:16,538
I got obsessed with
you as this sexy spy.
464
00:19:16,540 --> 00:19:17,973
But I get it now.
465
00:19:17,975 --> 00:19:20,475
It's work and it's terrifying,
466
00:19:20,477 --> 00:19:24,045
and I understand why you
don't want to bring it home.
467
00:19:24,047 --> 00:19:25,814
It's my fault too, baby.
468
00:19:25,816 --> 00:19:27,682
I'm sorry, but I understand now.
469
00:19:27,684 --> 00:19:31,453
Even ordinary women deserve to
feel special from time to time.
470
00:19:31,455 --> 00:19:34,923
Well, right now,
I'd give anything to be home
471
00:19:34,925 --> 00:19:38,259
in sweatpants with the
regular old Stan I know.
472
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,494
That's it!
473
00:19:39,496 --> 00:19:41,396
We know every little
detail about each other,
474
00:19:41,398 --> 00:19:45,633
like that you haven't filed down
that jagged toenail in weeks.
475
00:19:45,635 --> 00:19:47,202
[Scratching]
476
00:19:48,305 --> 00:19:50,939
What in the hell are you two...
477
00:19:50,941 --> 00:19:52,674
Ew! Why you do that?
478
00:19:52,676 --> 00:19:54,943
It's so gross! I can't look!
479
00:19:54,945 --> 00:19:57,379
Stan, your toothpick!
480
00:19:57,381 --> 00:19:58,380
Hyah!
481
00:19:58,382 --> 00:20:01,383
Aaaaaaah!
482
00:20:01,385 --> 00:20:04,252
That's what you get for
"picking" a fight
483
00:20:04,254 --> 00:20:05,820
with the C.I.A.
484
00:20:05,822 --> 00:20:08,356
[Thud, glass shatters]
485
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,728
And the winner of Best
Couples Kill is...
486
00:20:13,730 --> 00:20:16,498
Stan and Francine Smith!
487
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,400
- [Applause]
- _
488
00:20:18,402 --> 00:20:20,535
-
- _
489
00:20:20,537 --> 00:20:24,072
STAN: We simply must stop
running into each other like this.
490
00:20:25,709 --> 00:20:27,709
491
00:20:34,284 --> 00:20:36,217
- Mmm!
- Mmm!
492
00:20:36,219 --> 00:20:38,186
Oh, Stan.
493
00:20:38,188 --> 00:20:40,955
I love it when you're romantic.
494
00:20:40,957 --> 00:20:45,260
And I love it when you
taste like Bagel Bites.
495
00:20:45,262 --> 00:20:47,462
496
00:20:47,463 --> 00:20:49,463
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
497
00:20:49,513 --> 00:20:54,063
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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