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1
00:00:02,566 --> 00:00:05,202
So when they asked me
to train the new hire, Diane,
2
00:00:05,235 --> 00:00:07,571
I was like, "Get me a
beef sandwich, Diane!"
3
00:00:07,603 --> 00:00:10,174
Then Diane send Dick
to get the sandwich.
4
00:00:10,206 --> 00:00:12,842
Diane totally gets how
things work at the CIA.
5
00:00:12,876 --> 00:00:14,510
Sorry, Francine, what did you ask me?
6
00:00:14,543 --> 00:00:16,345
I asked you
to let go of my wrist.
7
00:00:16,379 --> 00:00:20,584
You tried to take a waffle,
and I'm first waffle guy.
8
00:00:20,616 --> 00:00:22,185
Stan, can I catch a ride?
9
00:00:22,219 --> 00:00:24,888
Got my first shift for
Southwest Airlines today.
10
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,290
What? You don't know anything
about being a flight attendant.
11
00:00:27,324 --> 00:00:29,026
But I do know comedy.
12
00:00:29,058 --> 00:00:31,194
And that's all that
matters at Southwest.
13
00:00:31,228 --> 00:00:34,197
With you there, people should check
their sensitivities at the gate.
14
00:00:34,231 --> 00:00:36,800
Oh, my God, that's like
a perfect Southwest joke!
15
00:00:37,274 --> 00:00:38,367
I want that joke!
16
00:00:38,401 --> 00:00:39,636
Give me that joke!
17
00:00:39,669 --> 00:00:41,872
Ugh! You're getting syrup in my hair!
18
00:00:41,905 --> 00:00:42,972
Somebody help her!
19
00:00:43,005 --> 00:00:45,042
You can use it! Jesus!
20
00:00:45,075 --> 00:00:46,410
Yay!
21
00:00:46,442 --> 00:00:48,277
And as a thank you,
I'll tell you how to get
22
00:00:48,310 --> 00:00:51,380
your seat upgraded
without paying a dime extra.
23
00:00:51,692 --> 00:00:53,216
ANNOUNCER: That's right,
"American Dadders."
24
00:00:53,249 --> 00:00:55,084
There's all kinds of travel tips
25
00:00:55,118 --> 00:00:57,386
the airlines don't
want you to know about.
26
00:00:57,420 --> 00:00:59,990
For instance, guns
aren't allowed on planes,
27
00:01:00,023 --> 00:01:01,624
so if you can get one on,
28
00:01:01,658 --> 00:01:03,727
you'll have a tremendous
amount of leverage.
29
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,496
Then you can sit
wherever you want.
30
00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:08,966
(panting) Whoa!
31
00:01:08,998 --> 00:01:11,301
I was paralyzed for, like, 10 seconds.
32
00:01:11,334 --> 00:01:13,837
I couldn't move.
Did anyone else see that?
33
00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:15,672
I thought I had a stroke.
34
00:01:15,704 --> 00:01:18,174
(patriotic music plays)
35
00:01:18,207 --> 00:01:21,444
Good morning, U.S.A.
36
00:01:21,477 --> 00:01:24,814
I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
37
00:01:24,847 --> 00:01:28,117
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
38
00:01:28,150 --> 00:01:32,155
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
39
00:01:34,123 --> 00:01:37,360
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
40
00:01:37,394 --> 00:01:39,663
-
Good...
-
Good morning, U.S.A.
41
00:01:39,695 --> 00:01:40,965
Aah!
42
00:01:42,231 --> 00:01:45,635
Good morning, U.S.A.
43
00:01:48,237 --> 00:01:50,706
Hey, I'm training Diane
at the gun range tonight,
44
00:01:50,739 --> 00:01:52,008
so I'm gonna be late for dinner.
45
00:01:52,042 --> 00:01:53,944
Unless I eat with Diane.
46
00:01:53,977 --> 00:01:55,879
Then we'll just eat when we're hungry.
47
00:01:55,912 --> 00:01:58,348
Stan is spending a lot of
time with this Diane person,
48
00:01:58,380 --> 00:01:59,783
don't you think?
49
00:01:59,816 --> 00:02:02,186
Klaus, when you're
married to a sexy man,
50
00:02:02,218 --> 00:02:04,655
there's always gonna be
some bush league snizz
51
00:02:04,688 --> 00:02:06,222
trying to storm the castle.
52
00:02:06,255 --> 00:02:07,491
Aren't you worried?
53
00:02:07,523 --> 00:02:08,859
Yeah, I'm worried.
54
00:02:08,891 --> 00:02:11,728
I'm worried about
Diane's hospital bills.
55
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,896
Oh, shit! Girl don't play!
56
00:02:13,930 --> 00:02:15,465
What's the plan?!
57
00:02:15,497 --> 00:02:18,167
I think that's a question
for my girlfriends.
58
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,370
Oh, getting the war counsel together.
59
00:02:20,402 --> 00:02:22,805
Merlot for my girls...
60
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:24,341
and for me,
61
00:02:24,373 --> 00:02:27,544
a little bit of
Francine's private reserve.
62
00:02:29,211 --> 00:02:32,582
(groans) Ooh! Hoo! Wha!
63
00:02:33,641 --> 00:02:35,352
Francine!
64
00:02:35,384 --> 00:02:36,586
Sharon!
65
00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:38,155
What up, Franny?!
66
00:02:38,187 --> 00:02:39,522
Caroline!
67
00:02:39,556 --> 00:02:41,258
- Where's Connie?
- Hey, y'all.
68
00:02:41,290 --> 00:02:44,594
Television star Connie Britton,
you made it!
69
00:02:44,628 --> 00:02:46,430
TOGETHER: Friends, friends, friends!
70
00:02:46,462 --> 00:02:49,765
(mumbling incoherently)
71
00:02:49,799 --> 00:02:52,069
He said he's taking her to the range,
72
00:02:52,102 --> 00:02:55,205
but he left his white leather
shooting glove at home.
73
00:02:55,237 --> 00:02:58,008
So let's call him up,
catch him in his lie.
74
00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,942
Good idea.
75
00:02:59,975 --> 00:03:01,578
- (line ringing)
- STAN: Hello?
76
00:03:01,610 --> 00:03:05,381
Honey, how are you going to
the range with Diane tonight
77
00:03:05,414 --> 00:03:07,383
when you left your
shooting glove at home?
78
00:03:07,417 --> 00:03:09,086
Excuse me? I-I don't understand.
79
00:03:09,118 --> 00:03:10,287
I said...
80
00:03:10,319 --> 00:03:14,257
(mumbling incoherently)
81
00:03:14,290 --> 00:03:15,859
Honey, you sound stressed.
82
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,760
Maybe go for a nice long drive.
83
00:03:17,794 --> 00:03:19,396
He's playing dumb.
84
00:03:19,429 --> 00:03:20,796
Good-bye, Stan.
85
00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:23,200
This Diane's a serious threat.
86
00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:25,269
Hey, I'm the serious threat.
87
00:03:25,301 --> 00:03:26,969
Go take care of business.
88
00:03:27,003 --> 00:03:29,640
Punch her in them floppy tits!
89
00:03:29,673 --> 00:03:32,141
(mumbling)
90
00:03:33,045 --> 00:03:34,111
Ooh.
91
00:03:34,144 --> 00:03:36,413
It looks like the bank's open.
92
00:03:36,445 --> 00:03:38,581
And the beauty parlor.
93
00:03:43,888 --> 00:03:47,024
Time to put away laptops,
tablets, and mobile devices.
94
00:03:47,057 --> 00:03:49,527
But if you've still got
a BlackBerry, keep that out,
95
00:03:49,561 --> 00:03:52,498
'cause I'll be coming around
with a trash bag real soon.
96
00:03:52,531 --> 00:03:54,500
(chuckles) If you need anything,
97
00:03:54,532 --> 00:03:56,734
just call me or any of the
other flight attendants.
98
00:03:56,768 --> 00:03:59,238
We all go by,
"Uh, excuse me, Miss?"
99
00:03:59,270 --> 00:04:01,539
Even Trevor,
who told me in confidence
100
00:04:01,573 --> 00:04:03,209
that he identifies as a female.
101
00:04:04,408 --> 00:04:06,011
Trevor!
102
00:04:06,043 --> 00:04:07,445
(chuckling)
103
00:04:08,547 --> 00:04:10,181
See that? I crushed!
104
00:04:10,215 --> 00:04:12,384
God, what a high. You're cute.
105
00:04:12,417 --> 00:04:16,021
How about after we go wheels up,
I come in there and go heels up,
106
00:04:16,053 --> 00:04:19,557
and you can unload your
passengers at Gate "A."
107
00:04:19,591 --> 00:04:22,428
Donna forgot to mention,
if we lose cabin pressure,
108
00:04:22,461 --> 00:04:25,030
strap on your mask
to start the flow of oxygen.
109
00:04:25,062 --> 00:04:29,033
But if oxy-gin isn't your brand,
we've got Tanqueray.
110
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:30,869
That's how I get
through these flights.
111
00:04:30,901 --> 00:04:32,538
(laughter)
112
00:04:32,570 --> 00:04:34,639
What the... Trying to show me up?!
113
00:04:34,673 --> 00:04:36,274
Oh, it's on.
114
00:04:36,307 --> 00:04:38,911
Thanks, Karen. Don't worry
about correcting me
115
00:04:38,944 --> 00:04:40,479
in front of a plane
full of assholes,
116
00:04:40,512 --> 00:04:43,916
'cause I checked my
sensitivity at the gate.
117
00:04:46,250 --> 00:04:49,154
'Cause you check things at...
You know, I'm not explaining.
118
00:04:49,187 --> 00:04:50,923
Is it... Is it hot in here?
119
00:04:50,956 --> 00:04:52,758
Is this a hot plane?
120
00:04:52,791 --> 00:04:55,394
Whatever Donna's drinking,
I hope the pilot didn't have any.
121
00:04:55,427 --> 00:04:56,628
(laughter)
122
00:04:56,661 --> 00:04:58,297
(laughs) Damn it!
123
00:05:00,831 --> 00:05:02,834
Looks like another late one with Diane.
124
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,735
FRANCINE: Stay as late
as you need to, dear.
125
00:05:04,769 --> 00:05:06,505
I'll just be here at the house,
126
00:05:06,538 --> 00:05:10,242
the one we built together as
a committed, loving couple.
127
00:05:10,274 --> 00:05:11,577
Yeah, I love that place!
128
00:05:11,610 --> 00:05:13,946
Maybe I'll watch that show "House,"
129
00:05:13,978 --> 00:05:16,781
or "House... of Lies."
130
00:05:16,815 --> 00:05:18,750
Oh, no, no, no! Don't
talk about "House of Lies."
131
00:05:18,783 --> 00:05:20,485
I'm only halfway through season one!
132
00:05:20,519 --> 00:05:22,687
La la la la la!
133
00:05:22,721 --> 00:05:24,656
(ding)
134
00:05:27,225 --> 00:05:29,995
STAN: Oh, yeah. Come on! Yeah.
135
00:05:30,028 --> 00:05:32,264
That pig!
136
00:05:32,296 --> 00:05:34,465
Oh, God, I'm gonna
finish in record time!
137
00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:37,076
He never finishes fast with me.
138
00:05:37,111 --> 00:05:37,877
Can I help you?
139
00:05:37,877 --> 00:05:40,538
I don't think so.
I'm here to deal with Diane.
140
00:05:40,572 --> 00:05:42,708
- That's me.
- No, you're not.
141
00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:45,443
Diane's in there,
finishing off my husband.
142
00:05:45,476 --> 00:05:47,678
I'm obviously not in there with Stan.
143
00:05:47,711 --> 00:05:50,315
You're as bad a liar as he is.
144
00:05:50,348 --> 00:05:53,685
Now, excuse me while I bust you guys!
145
00:05:54,966 --> 00:05:55,687
Stan?
146
00:05:55,719 --> 00:05:58,022
Francine?! I-It's not
what it looks like.
147
00:05:58,055 --> 00:06:02,693
It looks like you're playing
with little toy cars.
148
00:06:02,726 --> 00:06:05,730
On the contrary. This is a slot car...
149
00:06:05,764 --> 00:06:09,300
a 1/32 scale McLaren M7
with magnetic suspension,
150
00:06:09,334 --> 00:06:11,637
2.4 volt engine, and a real European...
151
00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:13,138
Oh, wait. This is a toy car.
152
00:06:13,170 --> 00:06:15,673
This is all the stuff I said before.
153
00:06:15,706 --> 00:06:18,644
And when I put it on
the track, it goes fast.
154
00:06:18,677 --> 00:06:20,345
Oh!
155
00:06:20,377 --> 00:06:22,313
Ooh!
156
00:06:22,346 --> 00:06:23,915
Oh!
157
00:06:24,048 --> 00:06:26,017
Oh!
158
00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:27,752
So...
159
00:06:27,786 --> 00:06:29,887
you're not hooking up with her.
160
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,690
I wish!
161
00:06:31,723 --> 00:06:33,057
Yeah!
162
00:06:33,091 --> 00:06:35,227
And you're not interested in him.
163
00:06:35,259 --> 00:06:38,029
(laughs) Little tiny car guy?
164
00:06:38,062 --> 00:06:40,197
No. He's all yours.
165
00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:42,533
Oh. Great.
166
00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,536
My car has been slippy on this turn.
167
00:06:44,569 --> 00:06:46,738
- (fabric tears)
- Francine, my pants ripped.
168
00:06:46,771 --> 00:06:48,840
Go to my desk, in my top
drawer, there's a pair
169
00:06:48,872 --> 00:06:51,108
of sky-blue
wrinkle-release Dockers.
170
00:06:51,142 --> 00:06:52,711
Underneath that is my
"Phantom of the Opera"
171
00:06:52,743 --> 00:06:54,445
long sleeve t-shirt.
172
00:06:54,478 --> 00:06:58,317
Please bring it immediately
and tie it around my waist.
173
00:07:01,656 --> 00:07:03,207
Wow, you must be so relieved.
174
00:07:03,239 --> 00:07:06,075
To go from thinking your
husband was cheating on you
175
00:07:06,109 --> 00:07:08,078
to realizing he's an amazing athlete.
176
00:07:08,111 --> 00:07:10,948
But... But why didn't
you tell me about this?
177
00:07:10,981 --> 00:07:13,183
Because I knew you'd try
to talk me out of racing
178
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:15,686
Lonny Bulmanferg at
the Altoona Grand Prix.
179
00:07:15,719 --> 00:07:17,454
Lonny Bulmanferg?
180
00:07:17,486 --> 00:07:19,689
Let's push him out of
our minds for one night.
181
00:07:19,722 --> 00:07:21,924
Maybe with a sex. (groans)
182
00:07:21,957 --> 00:07:23,693
Ah, pins and needles, pins and needles!
183
00:07:23,727 --> 00:07:25,229
Ah.
184
00:07:25,262 --> 00:07:27,364
My legs are useless.
185
00:07:27,397 --> 00:07:30,400
Could be a great opportunity
for you to ride me.
186
00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:33,036
But first, go to my study,
in the right desk drawer,
187
00:07:33,068 --> 00:07:35,104
underneath a pair of
pleated burgundy Dockers,
188
00:07:35,138 --> 00:07:37,207
you'll find my lovemaking sandals.
189
00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:38,441
What is that?
190
00:07:38,474 --> 00:07:40,109
Freakin' Bulmanferg.
191
00:07:40,142 --> 00:07:43,412
Prepare yourself for
a rage boner, Francine.
192
00:07:43,445 --> 00:07:44,748
I...
193
00:07:44,780 --> 00:07:46,582
got to go to the bathroom.
194
00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:48,986
Make sure you use the
wet wipes just in case
195
00:07:49,018 --> 00:07:51,155
I want to go mousing around down there.
196
00:07:53,022 --> 00:07:54,957
Here I come, ladies.
197
00:07:54,991 --> 00:07:57,394
(gulping)
198
00:07:57,426 --> 00:07:59,629
(grunts)
199
00:07:59,662 --> 00:08:00,997
Girl, what are we doing here?
200
00:08:01,030 --> 00:08:02,566
You don't have to worry about Diane.
201
00:08:02,599 --> 00:08:04,301
She thinks Stan's a real zero.
202
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:07,103
- Problem solved!
- Or is that the problem?
203
00:08:07,137 --> 00:08:10,140
One of the things that
thrilled me about Stan
204
00:08:10,172 --> 00:08:12,742
was other women finding him sexy.
205
00:08:12,775 --> 00:08:14,744
Like having my own Chris Hemsworth.
206
00:08:14,777 --> 00:08:18,614
If you want that thrill
back, you could sexy up Stan.
207
00:08:18,647 --> 00:08:20,316
Take him to get a makeover!
208
00:08:20,349 --> 00:08:21,919
To the mall!
209
00:08:21,952 --> 00:08:24,655
(slurred) To the mall!
210
00:08:27,224 --> 00:08:29,827
All right. Roger said we can
all fly for free somewhere,
211
00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:31,662
so we need to agree on a place to go.
212
00:08:31,694 --> 00:08:33,496
I vote for Na Pali State Park.
213
00:08:33,530 --> 00:08:34,964
Wait, that's what I was gonna say.
214
00:08:34,997 --> 00:08:37,266
So was I! This is crazy!
215
00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:38,702
Hawaii...
216
00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:41,205
TOGETHER: Here we com...
217
00:08:41,237 --> 00:08:42,705
Pack your bags, we're
going to Fort Worth.
218
00:08:42,738 --> 00:08:43,773
- What?!
- Fort Worth?!
219
00:08:43,807 --> 00:08:45,042
Okay!
220
00:08:45,074 --> 00:08:46,876
You said we could go anywhere we want.
221
00:08:46,909 --> 00:08:47,837
And now I'm saying
222
00:08:47,837 --> 00:08:49,946
that you're coming with
me to laugh at my jokes
223
00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:53,050
because Karen is trying to
drop a wet deuce on my dreams!
224
00:08:53,082 --> 00:08:55,986
If I wanted to hear jokes,
I'd go to Snot's stand-up show.
225
00:08:56,019 --> 00:08:58,188
He's got a...
He's got a new bit about...
226
00:08:58,221 --> 00:09:01,291
(chuckles) how... how bands at weddings,
227
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:03,025
since they... they just do cover songs
228
00:09:03,058 --> 00:09:05,962
are basically juke boxes
that only take hundreds.
229
00:09:05,996 --> 00:09:08,465
(chuckles) He can make
jokes out of anything.
230
00:09:08,497 --> 00:09:10,800
Guys, guys, you know me.
231
00:09:10,833 --> 00:09:12,703
Do I respond rationally
232
00:09:12,736 --> 00:09:16,740
when a new thang I'm into
is met with resistance?
233
00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:18,508
- (choking)
- So how about it?
234
00:09:18,540 --> 00:09:20,477
Are we all going to
Fort Worth via Buffalo?
235
00:09:20,510 --> 00:09:21,712
Let him go!
236
00:09:21,745 --> 00:09:23,480
Okay, okay, I'm checking in now!
237
00:09:23,512 --> 00:09:26,249
- You, show me your laugh.
- (forced laughing)
238
00:09:26,283 --> 00:09:27,985
That's great! You're doing it!
239
00:09:28,018 --> 00:09:30,087
- (gasping)
- You guys are gonna love it.
240
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,489
I start with stand-up, and
then I move into improv,
241
00:09:32,521 --> 00:09:34,424
which I've been really
flowing on lately.
242
00:09:34,457 --> 00:09:36,260
Check it, give me one word to start.
243
00:09:36,293 --> 00:09:38,495
Um... cactus.
244
00:09:38,528 --> 00:09:41,198
Perfect, cactus.
245
00:09:41,231 --> 00:09:43,634
I'm choking this cactus!
246
00:09:46,236 --> 00:09:47,770
Francine, why are we here?
247
00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:49,338
I need to work on my slot cars.
248
00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:51,607
I just thought you could
do it in cooler shoes,
249
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,876
a V-neck sweater, and jeans so tight
250
00:09:53,909 --> 00:09:57,046
you have to put your dick
and balls down different legs.
251
00:09:57,079 --> 00:09:58,206
Let's just hurry this up.
252
00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,978
Mel's counting on me to be
ready for this weekend's race.
253
00:10:01,013 --> 00:10:01,840
Mel?
254
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,520
Mel's my lane monkey,
grooms the track, greases turns.
255
00:10:04,554 --> 00:10:06,188
Can't grease too much, though.
256
00:10:06,222 --> 00:10:07,457
The cars can shoot off the track.
257
00:10:07,490 --> 00:10:09,092
One car hit a guy in the arm once.
258
00:10:09,125 --> 00:10:11,227
They stopped the race so
his mom could blow on it
259
00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:12,663
and give him some Gatorade.
260
00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:16,800
Excuse me, see that guy over there?
261
00:10:16,832 --> 00:10:19,969
I need you to make him
irresistible to women.
262
00:10:20,002 --> 00:10:21,270
Super jump.
263
00:10:21,304 --> 00:10:23,206
So what do you think he'd look good in?
264
00:10:23,238 --> 00:10:24,540
A coffin.
265
00:10:24,573 --> 00:10:26,476
Oh, damn!
266
00:10:26,509 --> 00:10:28,645
Do you have this in green?
267
00:10:28,678 --> 00:10:30,780
(slurping) I don't understand
268
00:10:30,813 --> 00:10:34,217
why you have to wear that
fanny pack over your new suit.
269
00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:37,421
You want me to carry hundreds
of tiny screwdrivers in my pockets?
270
00:10:37,453 --> 00:10:38,921
- Are you crazy?
- (fabric rips)
271
00:10:38,954 --> 00:10:40,456
Oh, my pants just ripped again.
272
00:10:40,490 --> 00:10:42,793
How?! You're just sitting there.
273
00:10:42,826 --> 00:10:44,260
I got a weird ass.
274
00:10:47,797 --> 00:10:49,733
We've wasted the whole day at the mall.
275
00:10:49,765 --> 00:10:51,601
Now I've got to rush to the airport.
276
00:10:51,634 --> 00:10:53,770
Well, if you got to wear the fanny pack,
277
00:10:53,803 --> 00:10:55,639
why don't you pop on these aviators
278
00:10:55,672 --> 00:10:58,408
or maybe go sleeveless.
279
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,643
My sleeves! You know how cold I get!
280
00:11:00,677 --> 00:11:01,945
(shivering)
281
00:11:01,977 --> 00:11:03,746
Suck it up, Stan!
282
00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:06,315
You're turning women off all over town!
283
00:11:06,348 --> 00:11:08,150
You said I look like Chris Hemsworth!
284
00:11:08,183 --> 00:11:09,453
I lied!
285
00:11:09,486 --> 00:11:11,688
You look Elliot Hemsworth!
286
00:11:11,721 --> 00:11:12,447
Elliot?
287
00:11:12,447 --> 00:11:14,690
He's the disgrace of the Hemsworth clan.
288
00:11:14,723 --> 00:11:16,859
They tried to remove all
trace of him on the Internet.
289
00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,428
With good reason!
290
00:11:18,461 --> 00:11:19,796
He's not an actor.
291
00:11:19,828 --> 00:11:21,698
He's just a doctor.
292
00:11:21,731 --> 00:11:24,301
(gasps) Well, you're a doctor, too!
293
00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:25,835
Dr. Evil!
294
00:11:25,869 --> 00:11:28,538
"One million dollars!"
295
00:11:28,571 --> 00:11:31,342
That's you! (sobbing)
296
00:11:33,909 --> 00:11:36,847
Can't you be the guy who
other women want again?
297
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,948
- We can fix this!
- We?
298
00:11:38,981 --> 00:11:40,317
Hey, I don't have to fix anything.
299
00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:41,253
This is your problem.
300
00:11:41,253 --> 00:11:43,887
I'm just trying to live
my life and race my car.
301
00:11:43,919 --> 00:11:46,689
Not worry about whether
women find me attractive.
302
00:11:46,722 --> 00:11:48,791
Well, they don't!
303
00:11:48,824 --> 00:11:51,027
- WOMAN: Hey, Stan!
- Mel!
304
00:11:51,060 --> 00:11:52,528
(squeals)
305
00:11:52,562 --> 00:11:54,331
I am so excited for Altoona!
306
00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:57,034
Tell me about it. I'm ready
to run through a brick wall.
307
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:59,536
Oh, Mel, this is my
cruel wife, Francine.
308
00:11:59,568 --> 00:12:01,505
So nice to finally meet you.
309
00:12:01,538 --> 00:12:03,173
What the...
310
00:12:07,544 --> 00:12:08,879
We should go, Stan.
311
00:12:08,911 --> 00:12:10,146
Yep. Right behind ya.
312
00:12:10,179 --> 00:12:12,049
Just how I like it.
313
00:12:12,082 --> 00:12:13,817
(giggles) Kidding!
314
00:12:13,850 --> 00:12:15,218
That's Mel?
315
00:12:15,251 --> 00:12:16,685
Yep, she's my lane monkey
316
00:12:16,718 --> 00:12:19,321
and does some T3 raid racing herself.
317
00:12:19,355 --> 00:12:20,557
Sorry, slot talk.
318
00:12:20,589 --> 00:12:23,659
Probably not doin' it for ya.
319
00:12:23,693 --> 00:12:25,529
Why wouldn't he tell me about her?
320
00:12:25,562 --> 00:12:26,863
STEVE: Mom?
321
00:12:26,895 --> 00:12:27,954
Don't look at her, don't talk to her.
322
00:12:27,954 --> 00:12:31,367
Her thing doesn't concern us.
We're not talking to her.
323
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,610
(tires squeal)
324
00:12:35,642 --> 00:12:37,646
Oh, Stan!
325
00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:40,815
You can drive me anywhere.
326
00:12:40,848 --> 00:12:44,285
(engine revs)
327
00:12:44,319 --> 00:12:46,954
I want to go there.
328
00:12:46,987 --> 00:12:48,390
Ooh, wee
329
00:12:50,925 --> 00:12:52,194
Ooh
330
00:12:54,762 --> 00:12:57,199
(giggles) Stan!
331
00:13:00,501 --> 00:13:03,237
Stop! Stan, stop right now!
332
00:13:03,271 --> 00:13:04,740
But you're the one driving.
333
00:13:04,772 --> 00:13:07,708
334
00:13:07,742 --> 00:13:10,746
Ooh, wee
335
00:13:10,878 --> 00:13:12,713
Ooh, wee
336
00:13:12,747 --> 00:13:14,436
(giggles) Faster.
337
00:13:14,436 --> 00:13:16,037
Faster!
338
00:13:17,350 --> 00:13:20,683
No, no. Oh, no, no!
339
00:13:20,718 --> 00:13:21,923
Oh, my God!
340
00:13:21,955 --> 00:13:23,557
I drove him toward...
341
00:13:23,591 --> 00:13:25,494
- (screams)
- Hey, Francine.
342
00:13:25,526 --> 00:13:26,661
Wake up, wake up, wake up!
343
00:13:26,744 --> 00:13:28,080
It's okay, you're awake!
344
00:13:28,113 --> 00:13:30,282
I've been experimenting with steroids.
345
00:13:30,315 --> 00:13:32,284
It's awesome!
346
00:13:32,316 --> 00:13:33,786
Now I wear tank tops
347
00:13:33,819 --> 00:13:36,622
with the thinnest
straps you've ever seen.
348
00:13:46,611 --> 00:13:48,734
You okay? You've been so quiet.
349
00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:50,909
I had a big fight with Francine.
350
00:13:50,944 --> 00:13:53,004
She said some things that
have me wondering if...
351
00:13:53,037 --> 00:13:55,640
(imitates tires screeching) Aw!
352
00:13:55,673 --> 00:13:59,610
Did wittle Stan Smith have
a fight with his wittle wife?
353
00:13:59,643 --> 00:14:01,773
You don't even have a wife, Lonny.
354
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,285
That's 'cause I don't want one!
355
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,079
I could have any girl in this place!
356
00:14:05,114 --> 00:14:07,682
I'm the only girl here.
357
00:14:07,717 --> 00:14:09,754
Are... Are you asking me to marry you?
358
00:14:09,787 --> 00:14:11,489
Just worry about the race
359
00:14:11,523 --> 00:14:13,691
and the killer joke about your name
360
00:14:13,725 --> 00:14:16,795
that Stan's got locked and
loaded for after he wins.
361
00:14:16,827 --> 00:14:18,096
Good luck.
362
00:14:18,129 --> 00:14:19,597
People have been trying to make fun of
363
00:14:19,630 --> 00:14:22,467
the Bulmanferg name for
years, but it's bulletproof!
364
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,836
And you're not gonna
have a chance anyway.
365
00:14:24,869 --> 00:14:28,874
'Cause you're a loser...
a real Elliot Hemsworth!
366
00:14:28,907 --> 00:14:31,542
Turbo boost! (zooming)
367
00:14:31,575 --> 00:14:33,277
Elliot might be a doctor now,
368
00:14:33,311 --> 00:14:35,214
but here's still time
to turn his life around.
369
00:14:35,247 --> 00:14:36,648
(sighs)
370
00:14:36,681 --> 00:14:39,051
Julia Child didn't blossom
till her mid-40s.
371
00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:41,720
Yeah, and Judi Dench...
this is a fact, I read it...
372
00:14:41,753 --> 00:14:45,157
simply did not exist
until she was 56 years old.
373
00:14:47,958 --> 00:14:50,695
I've driven Stan into
the arms of some skank
374
00:14:50,728 --> 00:14:53,564
who actually cares about
all his stupid stuff!
375
00:14:53,598 --> 00:14:55,666
Oh, there's an easy way to fix this.
376
00:14:55,699 --> 00:14:57,835
Just sleep with one of his coworkers.
377
00:14:57,868 --> 00:14:59,170
That works.
378
00:14:59,203 --> 00:15:01,405
Or the super-ripped fish. He's hot.
379
00:15:01,439 --> 00:15:04,242
Or someone closer to him,
380
00:15:04,275 --> 00:15:06,712
like his little buddy, Steve.
381
00:15:06,745 --> 00:15:09,715
No, I'm not sleeping with Steve!
382
00:15:09,747 --> 00:15:11,215
What am I doing?
383
00:15:11,248 --> 00:15:13,117
Drinking Windex and fertilizer
384
00:15:13,150 --> 00:15:15,420
and talking to the voices in my head?!
385
00:15:15,453 --> 00:15:17,356
This ends now!
386
00:15:17,389 --> 00:15:20,392
- No!
- No!
387
00:15:20,425 --> 00:15:22,694
We'll be waiting for you in Hell!
388
00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:25,429
You will weep before the Dark Lord!
389
00:15:25,463 --> 00:15:27,432
Your arms are too thick for that dress!
390
00:15:27,464 --> 00:15:29,200
Everyone thinks so!
391
00:15:29,233 --> 00:15:31,636
I'm gonna go get my husband back!
392
00:15:31,670 --> 00:15:33,304
Klaus, you're in charge.
393
00:15:33,338 --> 00:15:35,307
I'm taking control of my life.
394
00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:37,642
You see the pool, right?
395
00:15:42,112 --> 00:15:43,748
Then there's James Michener.
396
00:15:43,781 --> 00:15:45,883
He didn't write his first
book until he was 40.
397
00:15:45,916 --> 00:15:48,586
Helen Mirren wasn't hot
until she turned 70.
398
00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:51,490
Yeah. Stan, you have a
long list of late-bloomers.
399
00:15:51,522 --> 00:15:53,057
(sighs)
400
00:15:53,091 --> 00:15:54,960
Can I ask you a question?
401
00:15:54,992 --> 00:15:57,429
Do you think I'm... attractive?
402
00:15:57,462 --> 00:16:01,133
Stan, you're the first white man
I've ever been attracted to.
403
00:16:01,165 --> 00:16:02,400
I appreciate that.
404
00:16:02,434 --> 00:16:04,169
(cellphone rings)
405
00:16:04,202 --> 00:16:06,304
It's Francine. I should take this.
406
00:16:06,338 --> 00:16:07,772
Don't think about Francine.
407
00:16:07,805 --> 00:16:09,407
You've got the biggest
race of your life tomorrow.
408
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,109
You need to relax. Hey.
409
00:16:12,142 --> 00:16:14,312
I've got a naughty idea.
410
00:16:14,346 --> 00:16:16,448
(whispering)
411
00:16:19,483 --> 00:16:22,119
And them first class be
like spoiled little kids.
412
00:16:22,152 --> 00:16:24,288
Spoiled little kids
sitting there all,
413
00:16:24,322 --> 00:16:26,525
"Where's my apple juice?"
414
00:16:26,558 --> 00:16:28,927
(forced laughter)
415
00:16:28,959 --> 00:16:31,162
Exit row gets it.
416
00:16:31,195 --> 00:16:34,365
Meanwhile, coach passengers
be like, "Can I have a seat?
417
00:16:34,399 --> 00:16:36,768
Can I have a seat?
418
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,270
Just one little seat.
419
00:16:38,303 --> 00:16:40,338
Just one big enough to
put my butt cheek on
420
00:16:40,372 --> 00:16:42,473
while first class drinks
their apple juice."
421
00:16:42,506 --> 00:16:44,542
(forced laughter)
422
00:16:44,575 --> 00:16:48,379
I hope that's the only crash
landing we experience today.
423
00:16:48,413 --> 00:16:50,816
(laughter and applause)
424
00:16:50,848 --> 00:16:53,484
We'll be touching down
in Fort Worth soon.
425
00:16:53,517 --> 00:16:56,387
A funny name, because any
reason "worth" visiting
426
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:59,323
must be hidden in
a "fort" somewhere.
427
00:16:59,357 --> 00:17:01,492
(laughter and applause)
428
00:17:03,228 --> 00:17:06,165
(slot cars zooming)
429
00:17:20,345 --> 00:17:23,182
MAN: Four laps to go,
they're neck and neck!
430
00:17:25,617 --> 00:17:28,153
This is crazy!
431
00:17:28,185 --> 00:17:30,088
Here they come!
432
00:17:31,856 --> 00:17:33,492
The yellow car won.
433
00:17:33,524 --> 00:17:36,261
Wait, i-it's over? Did I win?
434
00:17:36,293 --> 00:17:37,762
Did you have the yellow car?
435
00:17:37,796 --> 00:17:39,064
- Yeah.
- Then you won.
436
00:17:39,097 --> 00:17:40,331
Yes!
437
00:17:40,365 --> 00:17:42,733
All right, Stan. You bested me.
438
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:46,371
But the Bulmanferg name
remains indestructible.
439
00:17:46,404 --> 00:17:48,272
I wouldn't be so sure...
440
00:17:48,306 --> 00:17:50,609
Foolmanferg.
441
00:17:50,642 --> 00:17:52,277
You have...
442
00:17:52,309 --> 00:17:53,912
destroyed me.
443
00:17:53,944 --> 00:17:55,679
Look for me in the obituaries.
444
00:17:55,713 --> 00:17:58,016
- Yes!
- You did it, Stan!
445
00:17:58,049 --> 00:18:01,051
Mel, I can't stop thinking
about what we did last night.
446
00:18:01,085 --> 00:18:02,554
I feel terrible.
447
00:18:02,587 --> 00:18:05,257
It was a one-time thing,
no one has to know.
448
00:18:05,290 --> 00:18:08,559
I'll know.
449
00:18:08,592 --> 00:18:11,262
Forget about him. You need a real man.
450
00:18:11,296 --> 00:18:13,465
What do you say we go up to my room
451
00:18:13,498 --> 00:18:15,834
and you take my virginity.
452
00:18:21,638 --> 00:18:23,274
(sighs)
453
00:18:25,510 --> 00:18:26,744
Francine?!
454
00:18:26,778 --> 00:18:28,814
Stan, I'm so sorry.
455
00:18:28,847 --> 00:18:30,882
(sobbing)
456
00:18:30,915 --> 00:18:33,984
Francine, I cheated with Mel!
457
00:18:34,018 --> 00:18:36,488
Oh, God! I knew it!
458
00:18:36,521 --> 00:18:38,290
I threw it all away.
459
00:18:38,322 --> 00:18:41,091
I had it all, and I threw it all away.
460
00:18:41,125 --> 00:18:43,761
(sobbing)
461
00:18:43,794 --> 00:18:45,796
No, it was my fault!
462
00:18:45,829 --> 00:18:47,732
I pushed you away.
463
00:18:47,764 --> 00:18:49,266
We can come back from this.
464
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:50,801
We can rebuild!
465
00:18:50,835 --> 00:18:54,139
No, it's over, Francine.
We have to get a divorce.
466
00:18:54,172 --> 00:18:56,508
I won't fight you for custody.
You can have them.
467
00:18:56,540 --> 00:18:59,176
I can't believe this is happening!
468
00:18:59,210 --> 00:19:01,179
Mel said it wouldn't be such a big deal
469
00:19:01,212 --> 00:19:02,814
if we stripped everything off.
470
00:19:02,847 --> 00:19:05,250
Ah! Stripped it off!
471
00:19:05,282 --> 00:19:06,818
And shaved down the axle.
472
00:19:06,850 --> 00:19:10,254
You shaved down the axle!
473
00:19:10,288 --> 00:19:12,089
And we added tack to the tires
474
00:19:12,123 --> 00:19:14,492
so we wouldn't lose speed on the turns!
475
00:19:14,526 --> 00:19:16,495
Tack to the tires?!
476
00:19:16,528 --> 00:19:18,997
I should have let you do that to me!
477
00:19:19,030 --> 00:19:22,466
Wait. Are you talking
about cheating at slot cars?
478
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,469
Yes, my title means nothing.
479
00:19:24,501 --> 00:19:25,803
I'm a fraud!
480
00:19:25,837 --> 00:19:28,106
Oh, good. Our marriage is fine.
481
00:19:28,138 --> 00:19:29,808
Stan, I was wrong for
trying to change you.
482
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,108
I'll see you at home.
483
00:19:31,142 --> 00:19:33,879
(groaning)
484
00:19:33,912 --> 00:19:37,683
(sobbing) How did this
become so important to me?!
485
00:19:40,251 --> 00:19:44,055
Remember, our menu is
100% gluten-free...
486
00:19:44,088 --> 00:19:47,826
because food is
100% not available.
487
00:19:47,858 --> 00:19:48,693
(laughter)
488
00:19:48,725 --> 00:19:50,794
That's it!
489
00:19:51,675 --> 00:19:53,498
Ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha.
490
00:19:53,530 --> 00:19:55,399
How about a little dark humor?
491
00:19:55,433 --> 00:19:57,868
10 minutes ago,
I initiated an engine failure
492
00:19:57,902 --> 00:20:00,171
which will make the plane
lose hydraulics,
493
00:20:00,203 --> 00:20:01,973
release shrapnel
into the ductwork,
494
00:20:02,005 --> 00:20:04,041
and start an uncontainable fire.
495
00:20:04,075 --> 00:20:05,176
(all gasp)
496
00:20:05,209 --> 00:20:06,845
And for my closing joke,
497
00:20:06,877 --> 00:20:09,013
a 30,000 foot drop to your death.
498
00:20:09,047 --> 00:20:11,850
Thank you, you're a
wonderful audience.
499
00:20:11,883 --> 00:20:14,853
(all screaming, alarm ringing)
500
00:20:15,987 --> 00:20:17,088
You see my set?
501
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:18,656
I killed!
502
00:20:18,690 --> 00:20:20,592
Yah!
503
00:20:20,625 --> 00:20:22,059
(bleep) me.
504
00:20:22,092 --> 00:20:24,595
(screaming)
505
00:20:34,871 --> 00:20:38,075
(laughter)
506
00:20:38,108 --> 00:20:39,543
They're...
507
00:20:39,577 --> 00:20:40,912
laughing.
508
00:20:40,944 --> 00:20:43,581
(laughing)
509
00:20:43,615 --> 00:20:45,550
They're all laughing.
510
00:20:45,582 --> 00:20:47,952
Oh... I see a white light.
511
00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:50,254
White light be all,
"Um, can you come towards me,
512
00:20:50,288 --> 00:20:52,022
if it's not too much trouble?"
513
00:20:52,056 --> 00:20:54,613
Black light be like,
"Get your ass over here!"
514
00:20:54,613 --> 00:20:56,661
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515
00:20:56,711 --> 00:21:01,261
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