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1
00:00:00,542 --> 00:00:01,943
And now "On the Lighter Side,"
2
00:00:02,030 --> 00:00:03,930
a teenage boy was found guilty
of murdering his own father...
3
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:07,106
"On the Lighter Side"? Who
the hell's writing this?!
4
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,406
MAN: I just get the coffee.
5
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:11,010
I don't have one of those, either!
6
00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:13,845
Ashton Carlyle, the so-called
prep-school killer,
7
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:15,747
can be seen reacting to the verdict
8
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:18,482
in these dramatic images from
our new courtroom artist,
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00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,317
cartoonist Cathy Guisewite.
10
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:27,224
Bet that poor boy's father
didn't spend any time with him.
11
00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:29,293
I hope they fry him.
12
00:00:29,328 --> 00:00:32,295
STAN: My God, I haven't spent
any time with Steve lately.
13
00:00:32,330 --> 00:00:33,596
Well, I'm sure he's fine.
14
00:00:35,534 --> 00:00:37,901
What the hell kind of smile was that?!
15
00:00:37,936 --> 00:00:40,203
My God, he's a ticking time bomb!
16
00:00:40,238 --> 00:00:42,338
If I don't spend some time with
the boy, there's no telling
17
00:00:42,374 --> 00:00:45,709
what twisted, gruesome fate
I'll meet at his savage hands!
18
00:00:45,744 --> 00:00:48,610
(eerie music plays)
19
00:00:49,547 --> 00:00:51,047
That's it! We're hanging out.
20
00:00:51,082 --> 00:00:52,882
If you're gonna kill
anyone in this family,
21
00:00:52,917 --> 00:00:54,684
- it's gonna be only Francine.
- What?
22
00:00:54,719 --> 00:00:56,952
Don't talk back to your father.
23
00:00:56,988 --> 00:01:00,956
(soft rock music plays) La la la la
24
00:01:00,992 --> 00:01:03,025
La la la
25
00:01:05,361 --> 00:01:09,731
La la la la la la
26
00:01:11,234 --> 00:01:14,402
La la la la
27
00:01:14,437 --> 00:01:16,437
La la la
28
00:01:19,242 --> 00:01:21,508
(sighs) Just try to put the
ball through the hoop.
29
00:01:21,543 --> 00:01:22,976
No sweat.
30
00:01:23,012 --> 00:01:26,279
My peers don't call me
Swishy for nothing.
31
00:01:26,315 --> 00:01:28,448
(groans weakly)
32
00:01:28,483 --> 00:01:29,416
Wha!
33
00:01:29,451 --> 00:01:31,085
This is hopeless.
34
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:32,753
How can we bond if there's nothing
35
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:35,422
Steve's good at that we can bond over?
36
00:01:35,457 --> 00:01:38,324
I'm going inside. Just put
the ball away, please.
37
00:01:43,264 --> 00:01:45,798
(gasping)
38
00:01:45,834 --> 00:01:47,100
(ding!)
39
00:01:47,135 --> 00:01:48,935
That's it!
40
00:01:48,970 --> 00:01:52,538
I can teach Steve the basics
of electrical engineering!
41
00:01:52,573 --> 00:01:54,740
Oh, that's stupid.
42
00:01:58,278 --> 00:01:59,310
Bowling!
43
00:01:59,431 --> 00:02:01,731
Synced and corrected by MasterCookie
- www.addic7ed.com -
44
00:02:01,782 --> 00:02:05,016
Good morning, U.S.A.
45
00:02:05,052 --> 00:02:08,386
I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
46
00:02:08,421 --> 00:02:11,689
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
47
00:02:11,725 --> 00:02:15,726
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
48
00:02:17,630 --> 00:02:20,931
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
49
00:02:20,967 --> 00:02:23,234
-
Good...
-
Good morning, U.S.A.
50
00:02:23,269 --> 00:02:24,501
Aah!
51
00:02:25,805 --> 00:02:29,239
Good morning, U.S.A.
52
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:32,942
53
00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:36,646
I found my ball. I call
her Whisper Willow.
54
00:02:36,681 --> 00:02:38,148
Okay...
55
00:02:38,183 --> 00:02:40,616
Now, a good roll is all
about the release.
56
00:02:40,652 --> 00:02:42,418
The release, of course.
57
00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:44,921
You can't hold on to the ball.
58
00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:47,656
A bowler's ultimate goal
is to roll a strike,
59
00:02:47,691 --> 00:02:49,591
because you get a
hilarious little movie
60
00:02:49,626 --> 00:02:51,393
starring bowling-pin men!
61
00:02:56,901 --> 00:02:58,700
- Whoa!
- Cool beans!
62
00:02:58,735 --> 00:03:01,569
("Hail to the Chief" plays)
63
00:03:06,642 --> 00:03:08,109
(laughter)
64
00:03:11,514 --> 00:03:13,747
Damn, son, you're a natural!
65
00:03:13,783 --> 00:03:15,616
Here, I found us some nachos.
66
00:03:15,651 --> 00:03:17,084
Mmm!
67
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,620
I love the way the filth
from the finger holes
68
00:03:19,655 --> 00:03:21,354
mixes with the synthetic cheese.
69
00:03:21,389 --> 00:03:23,489
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
70
00:03:23,525 --> 00:03:25,358
And blasting all those pins
71
00:03:25,393 --> 00:03:27,327
must have made you thirsty, too.
72
00:03:27,362 --> 00:03:28,862
What? Are you... really?
73
00:03:28,897 --> 00:03:30,297
Nothing wrong with a father
74
00:03:30,332 --> 00:03:32,866
sharing a cold one with his boy.
75
00:03:32,901 --> 00:03:34,935
(chuckles)
76
00:03:34,970 --> 00:03:38,037
These darn glasses seem
to be all fogged up.
77
00:03:38,072 --> 00:03:40,672
'Cause I'm not seeing a thing.
78
00:03:40,708 --> 00:03:42,041
(ding!)
79
00:03:42,910 --> 00:03:44,343
Hanging out with you
80
00:03:44,378 --> 00:03:46,411
has been the most
awesome time ever, Dad.
81
00:03:46,447 --> 00:03:48,380
You know, I actually feel the same way.
82
00:03:48,415 --> 00:03:50,049
Like... like, I'm not faking it
83
00:03:50,084 --> 00:03:52,051
and... and your mom's
not making me say it.
84
00:03:52,086 --> 00:03:54,685
Would... would it be
weird if I did this?
85
00:03:55,722 --> 00:03:57,388
Are... Are we...
86
00:03:57,423 --> 00:03:58,723
Are we doing this?
87
00:03:58,758 --> 00:04:00,791
I think... I think we are.
88
00:04:00,827 --> 00:04:02,026
We're hugging!
89
00:04:04,831 --> 00:04:06,464
(chuckling) Well...
90
00:04:06,499 --> 00:04:10,034
I better get my gosh-darn
prescription checked...
91
00:04:10,070 --> 00:04:12,903
'cause I'm not seeing anything here.
92
00:04:12,938 --> 00:04:14,504
(ding!)
93
00:04:20,086 --> 00:04:21,760
And not only am I molding Steve
94
00:04:21,914 --> 00:04:24,381
into the best bowler
this side of Chimdale,
95
00:04:24,417 --> 00:04:27,951
he came up with, um, just
about the funniest joke names
96
00:04:27,987 --> 00:04:29,987
for the scoreboard I've
ever heard in my life.
97
00:04:30,023 --> 00:04:31,789
Isn't that right, Mr. Butt?!
98
00:04:31,825 --> 00:04:34,259
Sure is, Dr. Balls!
99
00:04:34,294 --> 00:04:36,594
(both laughing)
100
00:04:36,629 --> 00:04:38,795
Oh, mmm!
101
00:04:38,831 --> 00:04:42,366
Do you have to hug after
every stupid thing you say?
102
00:04:42,401 --> 00:04:45,168
And there's a big father-son
tournament tomorrow night.
103
00:04:45,204 --> 00:04:46,970
We're pretty much a lock to win.
104
00:04:47,005 --> 00:04:48,339
You guys should all come.
105
00:04:48,374 --> 00:04:50,341
- Ha.
- Roger, think you can make it?
106
00:04:50,376 --> 00:04:51,875
Yeah, of course, you kidding me?
107
00:04:51,910 --> 00:04:53,543
- I wouldn't miss it.
- That's great.
108
00:04:53,578 --> 00:04:55,612
And to the victory party
after the tournament?
109
00:04:55,647 --> 00:04:57,680
Tournament? First I'm hearing of it.
110
00:04:57,716 --> 00:05:00,149
Oh, my God, Roger, you
have no attention span.
111
00:05:00,184 --> 00:05:01,584
(gasps) How dare you!
112
00:05:02,621 --> 00:05:03,819
Leave it!
113
00:05:03,855 --> 00:05:06,256
Bald-ass alien piece of shit.
114
00:05:06,291 --> 00:05:08,424
You're the one with no
attention span, Hayley!
115
00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:09,759
KLAUS: I'll settle this!
116
00:05:09,794 --> 00:05:11,727
Now, here goes the fish.
117
00:05:11,762 --> 00:05:13,562
I propose a contest...
118
00:05:13,597 --> 00:05:16,998
that will settle which of you
has the worst attention span.
119
00:05:17,033 --> 00:05:19,934
And the contest is...
120
00:05:19,970 --> 00:05:21,303
T...
121
00:05:21,338 --> 00:05:22,871
B...
122
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:25,073
D.
123
00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:30,043
(cheering)
124
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,647
MAN: Let's hear it for Steve
and Stan Smith, folks...
125
00:05:32,682 --> 00:05:35,015
winners of this year's
father-son tournament.
126
00:05:35,050 --> 00:05:38,852
Schmueley, second place is
still pretty great, champ.
127
00:05:38,888 --> 00:05:40,854
Hey, that's not that kid's dad!
128
00:05:40,890 --> 00:05:43,658
He's just a caring and
supportive friend of the family!
129
00:05:43,693 --> 00:05:45,992
They're onto us!
130
00:05:46,027 --> 00:05:48,161
You did it, son!
131
00:05:48,196 --> 00:05:49,829
We did it, Dad.
132
00:05:49,864 --> 00:05:53,500
Hardly. You carried your
father like cheap luggage.
133
00:05:53,535 --> 00:05:54,934
How cheap we talking?
134
00:05:54,969 --> 00:05:56,936
- Nautica.
- I'll kill you!
135
00:05:56,971 --> 00:05:59,138
Mr. Smith, your boy has a gift.
136
00:05:59,174 --> 00:06:01,207
But you've taken him as far as you can.
137
00:06:01,242 --> 00:06:02,874
With my coaching expertise,
138
00:06:02,910 --> 00:06:05,311
I can turn him into the next Sid Bunch.
139
00:06:06,380 --> 00:06:07,979
Sid Bunch?
140
00:06:08,015 --> 00:06:09,782
The most famous bowler of all time.
141
00:06:09,817 --> 00:06:11,850
He made the cover of
"Sports Illustrated."
142
00:06:13,854 --> 00:06:15,187
- Wow!
- Wow!
143
00:06:15,222 --> 00:06:16,988
But I don't know.
144
00:06:17,024 --> 00:06:18,956
Bowling is really more just a fun thing
145
00:06:18,991 --> 00:06:20,358
me and my dad do together.
146
00:06:20,393 --> 00:06:22,360
Yeah, I'm... I'm not so sure, either.
147
00:06:22,395 --> 00:06:24,729
I understand. There's
nothing more beautiful
148
00:06:24,764 --> 00:06:27,131
than a father's love for his son.
149
00:06:30,403 --> 00:06:32,770
So I guess... this is goodbye.
150
00:06:32,806 --> 00:06:34,238
Except bowling greatness!
151
00:06:34,273 --> 00:06:36,573
And we can get him there... together.
152
00:06:36,608 --> 00:06:39,609
Team Steve. What do you say?
153
00:06:39,645 --> 00:06:42,078
I guess I wouldn't
want to hold you back.
154
00:06:42,113 --> 00:06:45,215
And I'd end up being a-a
really great bowler.
155
00:06:45,249 --> 00:06:47,450
And we'd still be together.
156
00:06:47,486 --> 00:06:49,118
Right.
157
00:06:49,154 --> 00:06:51,187
- So...
- So let's do it!
158
00:06:51,223 --> 00:06:53,055
Wait, how do I know you're
a good bowling coach?
159
00:06:53,090 --> 00:06:55,725
Would a bad bowling coach have...
this?!
160
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,760
Would you accept a blank check?
161
00:07:00,231 --> 00:07:01,831
I got it!
162
00:07:01,866 --> 00:07:04,433
The perfect test of your
attention-paying abilities.
163
00:07:04,469 --> 00:07:07,370
Hey, ding-a-ling, pay
attention, if you can.
164
00:07:07,405 --> 00:07:09,171
The winner will be whoever makes it
165
00:07:09,206 --> 00:07:11,506
furthest through this...
166
00:07:11,541 --> 00:07:15,510
the 86-hour PBS series,
"Ken Burns' Bicycles,"
167
00:07:15,545 --> 00:07:18,513
a documentary so
unwieldy and meandering,
168
00:07:18,548 --> 00:07:21,516
Burns himself has disavowed it.
169
00:07:21,551 --> 00:07:24,085
I found it in a Goodwill...
170
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,854
in between an old Teddy
Ruxpin and a baby coffin.
171
00:07:26,889 --> 00:07:30,290
Heads up, you are not gonna
find a better Goodwill.
172
00:07:32,928 --> 00:07:35,829
All the power of your roll
comes from your ankle.
173
00:07:35,865 --> 00:07:37,664
Now, I want you to shut
everything else out
174
00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:40,534
and focus intensely on your ankle.
175
00:07:41,604 --> 00:07:44,604
(mysterious music plays)
176
00:07:47,308 --> 00:07:49,174
Should I roll the ball now?
177
00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:50,676
You already have.
178
00:07:54,148 --> 00:07:56,449
Very good. Now, roll again.
179
00:07:56,484 --> 00:07:58,284
- Mind that release, son!
- Whoop!
180
00:07:58,319 --> 00:08:00,286
(grunts)
181
00:08:00,321 --> 00:08:04,456
- (spider screeches)
- Nooooo!
182
00:08:04,491 --> 00:08:06,792
(sighs)
183
00:08:06,827 --> 00:08:09,127
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid that from now on,
184
00:08:09,162 --> 00:08:10,829
these will be closed practices.
185
00:08:10,864 --> 00:08:12,297
You... you must be joking!
186
00:08:12,332 --> 00:08:13,598
I assure you, Mr. Smith,
187
00:08:13,634 --> 00:08:15,300
had I been making an attempt at humor,
188
00:08:15,335 --> 00:08:17,335
I would have said, "Boom shaka-laka."
189
00:08:17,370 --> 00:08:20,337
But I just ordered a soft pretzel.
190
00:08:20,372 --> 00:08:22,406
Can I please wait for that, at least?
191
00:08:22,442 --> 00:08:25,142
Sure... outside.
192
00:08:25,177 --> 00:08:27,044
Boom shaka-laka.
193
00:08:32,914 --> 00:08:33,614
Alright, son.
194
00:08:33,708 --> 00:08:35,111
Now, remember what I taught you.
195
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,148
You got it, Dad!
196
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,816
Want some help rolling the ball?
197
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:38,984
Sure do!
198
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,087
Aah!
199
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,190
It's just not the same
as bowling with Steve.
200
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,525
Oh, honey.
201
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,260
Just 'cause you're not coaching Steve
202
00:08:49,295 --> 00:08:51,262
doesn't mean you can't be with him.
203
00:08:51,297 --> 00:08:52,430
You can support him.
204
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,664
Support him?
205
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,867
Yes, I can cheer him on, like a fan.
206
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:59,102
His number-one fan!
207
00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:00,404
Oh, yeah!
208
00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:01,604
If you'll excuse me,
209
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,573
I've got a bowling match to get to.
210
00:09:03,608 --> 00:09:05,442
Wait... match, contest?
211
00:09:05,477 --> 00:09:06,643
Never mind.
212
00:09:06,678 --> 00:09:09,112
You just worry about that sink.
213
00:09:10,782 --> 00:09:12,082
You walk off, you lose.
214
00:09:12,117 --> 00:09:13,950
You doze off, you lose.
215
00:09:13,985 --> 00:09:17,286
The minute I push play,
it's Burns, baby, Burns!
216
00:09:17,321 --> 00:09:18,454
Scared?
217
00:09:18,489 --> 00:09:20,322
Sure you don't want to pull out?
218
00:09:20,358 --> 00:09:23,526
News flash, bong brain,
I never pull out!
219
00:09:23,561 --> 00:09:24,993
Boom shaka-laka! Ha ha.
220
00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:26,695
Now let's watch this garbage.
221
00:09:26,730 --> 00:09:28,431
(violin playing)
222
00:09:28,466 --> 00:09:33,201
NARRATOR: "Woe be to the
lost art of perambulation...
223
00:09:33,236 --> 00:09:37,338
where those cherished
cobblestone thoroughfares
224
00:09:37,374 --> 00:09:40,308
where once we did walk,
225
00:09:40,343 --> 00:09:47,348
now do we pump, pedal, and
thus, truly, we fly."
226
00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:50,484
Walt Whitman.
227
00:09:50,519 --> 00:09:56,590
Oh, shi-i-i-i-i-i-t.
228
00:09:59,462 --> 00:10:02,329
Yeah-ha-ah! Attaboy, Steve!
229
00:10:02,364 --> 00:10:04,231
Look how excited my dad is.
230
00:10:04,266 --> 00:10:06,433
I mean, I miss playing with him,
231
00:10:06,469 --> 00:10:09,068
but he obviously wants
me to be the best.
232
00:10:09,104 --> 00:10:10,603
Look how excited Steve is.
233
00:10:10,638 --> 00:10:12,472
I mean, I miss playing with him,
234
00:10:12,507 --> 00:10:14,574
but he obviously wants to be the best.
235
00:10:14,609 --> 00:10:16,542
You gotta support your kids, right?
236
00:10:16,578 --> 00:10:18,311
Even though every time you cheer,
237
00:10:18,346 --> 00:10:20,813
it's like they're drifting a
little farther away from you.
238
00:10:20,848 --> 00:10:21,780
So true.
239
00:10:21,816 --> 00:10:23,382
You a bowling parent, too?
240
00:10:23,418 --> 00:10:24,749
Oh, no! I'm a pervert.
241
00:10:24,784 --> 00:10:26,751
Yep, just here for the eye candy.
242
00:10:26,786 --> 00:10:29,121
So which boy is yours?
243
00:10:29,156 --> 00:10:30,888
Uh, the hot one, duh!
244
00:10:30,924 --> 00:10:33,458
245
00:10:33,494 --> 00:10:35,393
Yay-hey-hey!
246
00:10:35,429 --> 00:10:36,394
Whoo!
247
00:10:36,430 --> 00:10:39,498
Yeah!
248
00:10:39,533 --> 00:10:41,832
They should call my boy the Lumberjack
249
00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:44,335
the way he's chopping
down all that wood.
250
00:10:44,370 --> 00:10:45,869
Or Working Girl,
251
00:10:45,904 --> 00:10:49,440
the way he works those
balls so nice and sweet.
252
00:10:49,475 --> 00:10:52,042
You know what? Let's
stick with lumberjack.
253
00:10:52,077 --> 00:10:54,645
Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin'
254
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,248
Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin'
255
00:10:57,283 --> 00:10:59,915
Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin'
256
00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:02,118
Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin'
257
00:11:02,154 --> 00:11:03,553
Move in, now move out
258
00:11:03,588 --> 00:11:04,587
Hands up, now hands down
259
00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:06,055
Back up, back up
260
00:11:06,090 --> 00:11:07,290
Tell me what you're gonna do now
261
00:11:07,325 --> 00:11:08,424
Breathe in, now breathe out
262
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,825
Hands up, now hands down
263
00:11:09,861 --> 00:11:11,227
Back up, back up
264
00:11:11,263 --> 00:11:12,762
Tell me what you're gonna do now
265
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,897
Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin'
266
00:11:14,932 --> 00:11:17,533
Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin'
267
00:11:17,568 --> 00:11:19,434
Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin'
268
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:22,538
Keep rollin', rollin',
rollin', rollin'
269
00:11:22,573 --> 00:11:25,807
Timber!
270
00:11:25,842 --> 00:11:27,276
What's wrong with Steve?
271
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:28,644
He looks bummed.
272
00:11:28,679 --> 00:11:30,679
Maybe I'm not bringing it hard enough.
273
00:11:30,714 --> 00:11:32,780
Come on, let's get it going for Steve!
274
00:11:32,815 --> 00:11:34,482
I say, "Lumber," you say, "Jack!"
275
00:11:34,517 --> 00:11:36,116
Lumber!
276
00:11:36,152 --> 00:11:38,653
Look, we just want to
support our own kids, okay?
277
00:11:38,688 --> 00:11:40,154
That's it, it's gorilla time!
278
00:11:42,659 --> 00:11:44,825
I'm an innocent man!
279
00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:47,328
(violin playing)
280
00:11:47,363 --> 00:11:51,764
NARRATOR: Adolphus Schwinn
next took his invention
281
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:56,769
on tour to Quincy, Illinois;
Newport, Kentucky;
282
00:11:56,805 --> 00:12:01,308
Wheeling, West Virginia;
Utica, New York;
283
00:12:01,343 --> 00:12:06,845
Dorchester, Massachusetts; back
through Newport, Kentucky,
284
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:10,115
then on to Portsmouth, New Hampshire;
285
00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:13,885
and, finally, Allegheny, Pennsylvania.
286
00:12:13,921 --> 00:12:18,490
But it was another discovery
in New Albany, Indiana,
287
00:12:18,526 --> 00:12:23,394
that was about to change
the bicycle forever.
288
00:12:23,430 --> 00:12:26,931
MAN: Now, you can't talk about bicycles
289
00:12:26,966 --> 00:12:29,434
without talking about rubber.
290
00:12:29,469 --> 00:12:32,270
NARRATOR: And talk about
rubber, we shall,
291
00:12:32,305 --> 00:12:37,108
in the next 6-hour installment
of "Ken Burns' Bicycles."
292
00:12:37,143 --> 00:12:38,676
Wow.
293
00:12:38,712 --> 00:12:39,777
(whistle blows)
294
00:12:39,812 --> 00:12:40,844
Tape change!
295
00:12:40,879 --> 00:12:44,080
(groans)
296
00:12:44,116 --> 00:12:47,217
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the
NBL Junior Invitational!
297
00:12:47,253 --> 00:12:49,386
The excitement is palpable here.
298
00:12:49,421 --> 00:12:51,388
The stands, absolutely packed
299
00:12:51,423 --> 00:12:53,957
with what I like to call gutter people.
300
00:12:53,992 --> 00:12:55,259
(laughs)
301
00:12:55,294 --> 00:12:56,926
Delightful bowling pun there, Greg.
302
00:12:56,962 --> 00:12:57,893
Bowling pun?
303
00:13:03,401 --> 00:13:05,868
Try to keep me from the
biggest tournament
304
00:13:05,903 --> 00:13:07,603
of Steve's life... fat chance!
305
00:13:07,639 --> 00:13:09,372
He's gonna win this thing.
306
00:13:09,407 --> 00:13:12,375
And I'll be damned if
I'm not gonna be there
307
00:13:12,410 --> 00:13:16,311
to con-Taz-ulate my own son.
308
00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:22,417
Better hang out in the back
so as not to draw attention.
309
00:13:25,789 --> 00:13:27,855
What's your most inconspicuous entr?e?
310
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,123
The chicken-fried steak
311
00:13:29,159 --> 00:13:31,225
ain't making any lasting impressions.
312
00:13:33,829 --> 00:13:35,429
GREG: And the ball is loose!
313
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:39,800
GREG: It all comes down to this.
314
00:13:39,835 --> 00:13:41,268
Knock down just one more pin
315
00:13:41,304 --> 00:13:43,470
and you'll qualify for a
spot on the pro tour.
316
00:13:43,506 --> 00:13:45,172
That's right, Steve's days
317
00:13:45,207 --> 00:13:48,141
of bowling in lame-ass
father-son tournaments
318
00:13:48,177 --> 00:13:49,575
are about to be over.
319
00:13:49,611 --> 00:13:51,010
Oh, I didn't realize.
320
00:13:51,045 --> 00:13:53,346
But I guess that's the sacrifice
321
00:13:53,381 --> 00:13:55,648
you have to make to be the best.
322
00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:57,617
I've let this go too far.
323
00:13:57,652 --> 00:14:00,386
It's time to make things right.
324
00:14:13,434 --> 00:14:15,166
(screams)
325
00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:16,401
ANNOUNCER: My God!
326
00:14:16,437 --> 00:14:18,236
The Lumberjack has been stabbed!
327
00:14:18,271 --> 00:14:21,072
This is truly bowling's
darkest, most exciting day.
328
00:14:21,107 --> 00:14:23,841
(chuckles)
329
00:14:23,876 --> 00:14:26,076
Shh. I'm right here with you.
330
00:14:26,111 --> 00:14:29,179
(gasps) How bad is it, coach?
331
00:14:29,215 --> 00:14:30,748
Career-ending!
332
00:14:30,783 --> 00:14:33,684
Goodbye forever, Steve.
333
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,419
(horn blares, tires screech)
334
00:14:35,455 --> 00:14:37,321
(crash!)
335
00:14:37,357 --> 00:14:39,522
What?! What happened?!
336
00:14:39,558 --> 00:14:41,190
What have I done?!
337
00:14:41,226 --> 00:14:43,226
Oh, my God! (gasps)
338
00:14:46,898 --> 00:14:49,733
I stabbed my son!
339
00:14:56,142 --> 00:14:58,508
I still can't believe
I stabbed my own son!
340
00:14:59,642 --> 00:15:01,275
But that's all in the past now.
341
00:15:01,311 --> 00:15:04,245
You've got your boy back, so
now you're just gonna focus
342
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,947
on reconnecting with him
and never letting him go.
343
00:15:06,983 --> 00:15:08,516
You don't tell Steve about this,
344
00:15:08,551 --> 00:15:09,884
and I won't tell Klaus
345
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,087
you're the one who
broke his Dilbert mug.
346
00:15:11,164 --> 00:15:12,429
Okay, deal, deal!
347
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,799
Hey, there, slugger!
348
00:15:15,834 --> 00:15:17,868
Want to work on a Lego set together
349
00:15:17,903 --> 00:15:20,070
or go down to the Whole Foods buffet,
350
00:15:20,105 --> 00:15:21,905
pick up some slops and stews?
351
00:15:21,940 --> 00:15:23,674
Maybe get super into jazz...
352
00:15:23,709 --> 00:15:25,809
father and son, two big jazz heads.
353
00:15:25,844 --> 00:15:27,377
Actually, all I really want to do
354
00:15:27,412 --> 00:15:28,879
is figure out who attacked me.
355
00:15:28,914 --> 00:15:30,714
What if this sicko tries again?
356
00:15:30,749 --> 00:15:33,549
I'm pretty sure the
stabber's stabbing days
357
00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:35,918
are behind Stan... him... it!
358
00:15:35,953 --> 00:15:37,319
You sound like the cops.
359
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,521
They've given up on the
case already, too.
360
00:15:39,557 --> 00:15:41,691
To them, I'm just one more white kid
361
00:15:41,726 --> 00:15:43,726
who got stabbed in a bowling alley.
362
00:15:43,761 --> 00:15:45,127
Ah, what are you gonna do?
363
00:15:45,163 --> 00:15:46,762
Let's home-brew some root beer.
364
00:15:46,798 --> 00:15:49,397
But... well, you're
kind of a detective...
365
00:15:49,432 --> 00:15:51,465
you know, working for the C.I.A.
366
00:15:51,501 --> 00:15:54,268
Maybe you could help me
investigate, as a...
367
00:15:54,304 --> 00:15:55,704
Team?! Team Steve?!
368
00:15:55,739 --> 00:15:56,705
Let me think.
369
00:15:56,740 --> 00:15:58,306
From what I recall,
370
00:15:58,341 --> 00:16:00,875
the stabber covered
her tracks perfectly,
371
00:16:00,911 --> 00:16:03,712
so, yeah, father-son time, let's do it.
372
00:16:05,448 --> 00:16:09,583
Okay. This is where
the attack occurred.
373
00:16:09,618 --> 00:16:10,818
(screams)
374
00:16:10,853 --> 00:16:12,086
Hmm.
375
00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:15,856
(gasps) Look!
376
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:18,391
These must be the stabber's footprints!
377
00:16:18,427 --> 00:16:20,728
See?! They're the only
ones with a tread.
378
00:16:20,763 --> 00:16:23,696
Bowling shoes are smooth.
379
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:26,398
And the shoe prints continue out here,
380
00:16:26,434 --> 00:16:28,968
which means we can track
where the stabber went!
381
00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:31,204
Wait, since when is Steve smart?
382
00:16:31,239 --> 00:16:33,639
He's a jock.
383
00:16:33,674 --> 00:16:37,076
NARRATOR: And who knows
what the future holds
384
00:16:37,112 --> 00:16:38,878
for the humble bicycle.
385
00:16:38,913 --> 00:16:43,115
Maybe a basket to put
all your stuff in.
386
00:16:43,150 --> 00:16:44,582
The end.
387
00:16:44,618 --> 00:16:45,917
(sniffles)
388
00:16:45,953 --> 00:16:47,318
So beautiful.
389
00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:48,419
(snoring)
390
00:16:48,455 --> 00:16:49,855
(whistle blows)
391
00:16:49,890 --> 00:16:51,656
Wha... what's going on?!
Did... did I win?
392
00:16:51,691 --> 00:16:54,793
Roger, you made it
through the whole thing.
393
00:16:54,828 --> 00:16:58,129
Kudos!
394
00:16:58,164 --> 00:17:00,064
(air gushing)
395
00:17:00,099 --> 00:17:02,366
(both screaming)
396
00:17:02,401 --> 00:17:04,068
Wait a minute.
397
00:17:06,072 --> 00:17:07,772
(laughing)
398
00:17:07,807 --> 00:17:08,973
(both scream)
399
00:17:09,008 --> 00:17:10,875
What are you doing in my room?
400
00:17:10,910 --> 00:17:12,943
Are you serious? The contest!
401
00:17:12,979 --> 00:17:15,711
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got bored.
402
00:17:15,747 --> 00:17:17,147
That's why I molted
403
00:17:17,182 --> 00:17:19,048
and came in here to
watch "Yas Cat" videos.
404
00:17:19,084 --> 00:17:20,216
Molt and bolt, baby.
405
00:17:20,252 --> 00:17:21,350
Ha! Oh, snap!
406
00:17:21,386 --> 00:17:22,351
Is that a new "Bad Lip Synch"?
407
00:17:22,387 --> 00:17:23,787
Oh, tight.
408
00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:27,257
Look at the two of you.
You're pathetic!
409
00:17:27,292 --> 00:17:29,125
No, Klaus. I realized something
410
00:17:29,161 --> 00:17:32,094
about two days into whatever
it was we were watching.
411
00:17:32,129 --> 00:17:33,361
A short attention span
412
00:17:33,397 --> 00:17:35,130
is not something to be ashamed of,
413
00:17:35,166 --> 00:17:36,865
it's something to be proud of...
414
00:17:36,901 --> 00:17:39,334
like owning a sous-vide
or having big old tits.
415
00:17:39,369 --> 00:17:41,303
Throughout history, it's been people
416
00:17:41,338 --> 00:17:42,671
with short attention spans
417
00:17:42,706 --> 00:17:45,507
who've been responsible for... culture
418
00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:49,610
and inventions that, um, have
changed the course of...
419
00:17:49,645 --> 00:17:51,645
What are we talking about?
420
00:17:51,681 --> 00:17:53,147
You were... Uh...
421
00:17:53,183 --> 00:17:54,882
Didn't you ask me something?
422
00:17:54,918 --> 00:17:56,350
- I thought... what?
- Huh?
423
00:17:56,385 --> 00:17:58,452
I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met.
424
00:17:58,487 --> 00:17:59,486
My name is Roger.
425
00:18:01,557 --> 00:18:03,224
You're digging through trash, son.
426
00:18:03,259 --> 00:18:05,525
No judge is going to admit
garbage as evidence.
427
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:06,526
It's gross.
428
00:18:06,561 --> 00:18:07,828
This Dumpster is filled
429
00:18:07,863 --> 00:18:09,395
with weapons and blood-soaked hoodies.
430
00:18:09,431 --> 00:18:11,164
How am I supposed to find the ones
431
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,565
that belong to my stabber?
432
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,134
Hey!
433
00:18:14,169 --> 00:18:16,136
Well, you gave it your best shot.
434
00:18:16,171 --> 00:18:18,738
Aha! I distinctly remember the stabber
435
00:18:18,773 --> 00:18:21,007
reeking of chicken-fried steak.
436
00:18:21,043 --> 00:18:22,141
(inhales deeply)
437
00:18:22,176 --> 00:18:23,575
Just like this hoodie!
438
00:18:23,610 --> 00:18:24,676
And, look!
439
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:26,846
It's a receipt for a custom
440
00:18:26,881 --> 00:18:29,281
"Con-Taz-ulations, Steve!" cake.
441
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:30,850
This Taz-loving sicko
442
00:18:30,885 --> 00:18:33,252
must have really been obsessed with me.
443
00:18:33,287 --> 00:18:35,821
Find that cake and we'll
find our stabber.
444
00:18:45,332 --> 00:18:49,400
You... were the one who stabbed me?!
445
00:18:49,435 --> 00:18:51,102
Where's your proof?
446
00:18:51,137 --> 00:18:53,604
Damn it!
447
00:18:53,639 --> 00:18:55,139
Why would you do this?!
448
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,007
The edge pieces have the most icing.
449
00:18:57,042 --> 00:18:59,009
No! Stabbing me!
450
00:18:59,044 --> 00:19:00,410
I don't know!
451
00:19:00,445 --> 00:19:02,946
We had such a good thing
going for a while,
452
00:19:02,982 --> 00:19:05,115
and... and then I started to lose you.
453
00:19:05,150 --> 00:19:07,450
And... and when I heard
I'd never be able
454
00:19:07,486 --> 00:19:08,752
to bowl with you again, I... I...
455
00:19:08,787 --> 00:19:10,287
I just snapped.
456
00:19:10,322 --> 00:19:12,622
Can you ever forgive me and
also not tell the police?!
457
00:19:12,657 --> 00:19:15,258
(sighs) Yes.
458
00:19:15,293 --> 00:19:17,193
But you didn't have to stab me.
459
00:19:17,228 --> 00:19:18,460
I didn't?
460
00:19:18,496 --> 00:19:21,130
Well, what? Of course you didn't!
461
00:19:21,165 --> 00:19:23,532
There could never be a reason to st...
462
00:19:23,567 --> 00:19:26,135
Never mind. What I mean is...
463
00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:28,204
I was gonna gutter ball that last roll.
464
00:19:28,239 --> 00:19:30,105
What?! Why?!
465
00:19:30,140 --> 00:19:32,240
You had a chance to go
pro, to be the best!
466
00:19:32,276 --> 00:19:34,109
I thought that was what you wanted.
467
00:19:34,144 --> 00:19:35,576
I never cared about that.
468
00:19:35,612 --> 00:19:37,512
I wanted things to go
back to how they were
469
00:19:37,547 --> 00:19:39,447
when it was just you and me having fun.
470
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:40,815
That's what I wanted.
471
00:19:40,850 --> 00:19:42,183
It was?
472
00:19:42,219 --> 00:19:43,952
Is that why you were acting so weird?
473
00:19:43,987 --> 00:19:45,287
Weird?! How?
474
00:19:45,322 --> 00:19:47,021
Stabbing me comes to mind!
475
00:19:47,056 --> 00:19:49,790
You're just never gonna let
me live that down, are you?
476
00:19:49,825 --> 00:19:52,092
Come on, look, getting stabbed
is not that big a deal.
477
00:19:52,128 --> 00:19:53,627
See? Bop! See, nothing?
478
00:19:53,662 --> 00:19:54,962
Bop! Bop, bop, bop!
479
00:19:54,997 --> 00:19:56,530
No biggie. Do it in the back.
480
00:19:56,565 --> 00:19:58,265
Bop, bop! I'm fine, see?
481
00:19:58,301 --> 00:19:59,967
Few more? Bop, bop, bop.
482
00:20:04,772 --> 00:20:07,706
It's possible that some of
this could have been avoided.
483
00:20:07,742 --> 00:20:09,608
You know where the breakdown was?
484
00:20:09,644 --> 00:20:10,543
In your mental state?
485
00:20:10,578 --> 00:20:12,045
In our communication.
486
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,013
We both just wanted to
spend time together.
487
00:20:14,049 --> 00:20:15,614
And if we'd been open about that,
488
00:20:15,650 --> 00:20:17,216
none of this would have happened.
489
00:20:17,252 --> 00:20:18,952
So you swear you're not upset
490
00:20:18,987 --> 00:20:21,219
that I'm never gonna
be the best bowler?
491
00:20:21,255 --> 00:20:23,521
Yes. Because you're
already the best son.
492
00:20:23,557 --> 00:20:25,623
At least, the best I've ever had.
493
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,459
Mmm!
494
00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:28,961
Let's agree that from now on,
495
00:20:28,996 --> 00:20:31,229
before we assume we know
what the other person wants,
496
00:20:31,265 --> 00:20:33,231
that we'll talk to each
other about it first.
497
00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:34,399
You got it.
498
00:20:34,435 --> 00:20:36,568
Excuse me. Langley Falls P.D.
499
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,202
I couldn't help but observe
500
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,804
Steve's detective work
back at the bowling alley.
501
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,140
Your boy's got a gift.
With my expertise...
502
00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:44,608
He would love to.
503
00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:47,178
(bird squawking loudly)
504
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:48,012
Hmm!
505
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:50,014
(retches)
506
00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:51,983
(sobbing)
507
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:53,417
Whose kid is this?!
508
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:55,852
Who would let their kid see this?!
509
00:20:55,956 --> 00:20:59,823
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