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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,875 --> 00:00:04,777 Ugh, why are you dragging us to church with you? 2 00:00:04,811 --> 00:00:07,681 We were gonna find Jeff the perfect pair of overalls today. 3 00:00:07,713 --> 00:00:10,216 It's always the chest pocket that's the dealbreaker. 4 00:00:10,249 --> 00:00:12,553 When it comes to overalls, you can't settle. 5 00:00:12,585 --> 00:00:14,255 It's why Kris Kross split up. 6 00:00:14,287 --> 00:00:16,123 It's Wiggity-wiggity-wiggity sad. 7 00:00:16,156 --> 00:00:19,460 This family goes to church on Easter, end of story. 8 00:00:19,493 --> 00:00:21,028 Well, Roger's part of the family. 9 00:00:21,060 --> 00:00:22,262 Why doesn't he have to go? 10 00:00:22,295 --> 00:00:24,764 Roger goes to church, just not ours. 11 00:00:24,798 --> 00:00:26,267 (UPBEAT HYMN MUSIC PLAYING) 12 00:00:26,299 --> 00:00:27,700 - You got to have - Power 13 00:00:27,734 --> 00:00:29,703 - All you need is - Power 14 00:00:29,735 --> 00:00:32,139 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 15 00:00:32,172 --> 00:00:33,440 Oh! 16 00:00:33,472 --> 00:00:35,875 Brother Jenkins is feeling it! 17 00:00:35,908 --> 00:00:38,746 Jesus, take my feet! 18 00:00:40,579 --> 00:00:44,150 Okay, kids, get ready to find those Easter eggs. 19 00:00:44,183 --> 00:00:45,718 Aren't you too old for this? 20 00:00:45,752 --> 00:00:47,453 You're never too old to have fun. 21 00:00:47,487 --> 00:00:48,789 - (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (THUD!) 22 00:00:48,822 --> 00:00:50,291 - (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - BOY: Over here! 23 00:00:50,323 --> 00:00:52,192 And stay down! 24 00:00:57,130 --> 00:01:00,501 Bow to your leader, the King of eggs! 25 00:01:00,533 --> 00:01:03,237 Hey, kid in the middle you're faking! 26 00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:06,473 Aaatomic Easter drop! 27 00:01:06,506 --> 00:01:09,276 (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS) 28 00:01:09,309 --> 00:01:12,146 Good morning, U.S.A. 29 00:01:12,178 --> 00:01:15,582 I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day 30 00:01:15,615 --> 00:01:18,919 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face 31 00:01:18,952 --> 00:01:22,957 And he's shinin' a salute to the American race 32 00:01:24,958 --> 00:01:28,194 Oh, boy, it's swell to say 33 00:01:28,228 --> 00:01:30,497 Good morning, U.S.A. 34 00:01:30,529 --> 00:01:31,798 Aah! 35 00:01:33,065 --> 00:01:34,245 Good morning, U.S.A. 36 00:01:34,270 --> 00:01:36,440 - sync and corrections by Caio - - www.addic7ed.com - 37 00:01:39,172 --> 00:01:41,140 Which is why, on this day, 38 00:01:41,173 --> 00:01:43,711 we remember what happened in Galilee. 39 00:01:43,744 --> 00:01:46,180 Psst! Red hat! 40 00:01:46,213 --> 00:01:47,815 Red hat! 41 00:01:50,884 --> 00:01:52,986 Stan, who is that? 42 00:01:53,018 --> 00:01:55,822 If I play my cards right, a new friend. 43 00:01:55,856 --> 00:01:58,524 Mr. Smith, your son has outgrown Sunday school. 44 00:01:58,557 --> 00:02:00,893 Smart, lady... get rid of the one kid who can kind of 45 00:02:00,926 --> 00:02:02,562 go to the bathroom by himself. 46 00:02:02,595 --> 00:02:05,298 - Sit! - Okay. 47 00:02:05,332 --> 00:02:07,967 So, this is adult services? 48 00:02:08,001 --> 00:02:09,737 The place is bigger than I imagined. 49 00:02:09,769 --> 00:02:11,505 Were we supposed to bring our own cushions, or... 50 00:02:11,537 --> 00:02:12,805 Shh! 51 00:02:12,839 --> 00:02:16,175 And the disciples found his tomb empty 52 00:02:16,209 --> 00:02:19,413 because he had risen from the dead, and then... 53 00:02:19,446 --> 00:02:22,348 So... so Jesus was like a zombie? 54 00:02:22,382 --> 00:02:24,218 Like in "The Walking Dead"? 55 00:02:24,251 --> 00:02:26,854 ...Shall ye be told what shall be made... 56 00:02:26,887 --> 00:02:28,489 I wish Chris Hardwick were here 57 00:02:28,521 --> 00:02:30,757 to giddily explain these confusing plot points. 58 00:02:30,791 --> 00:02:32,258 Shh! 59 00:02:32,292 --> 00:02:34,428 Doubting Thomas himself stepped forward... 60 00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:37,430 Doubting Thomas stuck his finger in Jesus' what? 61 00:02:37,464 --> 00:02:39,932 Am I the only one here who thinks this is totally weird?! 62 00:02:39,965 --> 00:02:41,200 - Shh! - Quiet! 63 00:02:41,233 --> 00:02:42,869 - Please! - Come on! 64 00:02:42,902 --> 00:02:45,005 Is anyone actually buying this? 65 00:02:45,037 --> 00:02:46,906 Steve, you're destroying all the groundwork 66 00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:48,776 I laid with red hat. 67 00:02:48,809 --> 00:02:51,245 68 00:02:51,277 --> 00:02:54,214 My own son, a Godless heathen. 69 00:02:54,246 --> 00:02:56,883 Ehh, got to admit, he made a few good points. 70 00:02:56,917 --> 00:02:59,186 That's it, hash Browns for believers only. 71 00:02:59,219 --> 00:03:01,388 Okay, dad, if you're such a good Christian, 72 00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:03,590 why weren't you paying attention in church? 73 00:03:03,622 --> 00:03:05,225 'Cause I'm already a believer. 74 00:03:05,257 --> 00:03:07,393 Religion solves all the big problems for me. 75 00:03:07,426 --> 00:03:08,961 Life after death? Solved! 76 00:03:08,995 --> 00:03:10,731 Meaning of existence? Solved! 77 00:03:10,763 --> 00:03:13,699 Now I can spend my time focusing on things I enjoy, 78 00:03:13,733 --> 00:03:16,235 like complaining about the terrible service! 79 00:03:16,269 --> 00:03:17,604 What?! 80 00:03:17,637 --> 00:03:20,274 This place sucks. 81 00:03:20,306 --> 00:03:22,608 Now, back to the big picture. 82 00:03:22,642 --> 00:03:24,811 Imagine life is like a really hard class 83 00:03:24,845 --> 00:03:28,215 that you're for sure gonna fail, but then you open your textbook, 84 00:03:28,247 --> 00:03:31,250 and you see some nerd wrote all the answers in it for you. 85 00:03:31,283 --> 00:03:34,488 Well, this guy you've got the balls to call a nerd? 86 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,825 That's God, and your textbook, the Bible. 87 00:03:38,858 --> 00:03:42,562 But it's just a bunch of crazy folk tales and impossible stuff. 88 00:03:42,596 --> 00:03:45,632 Nonsense. Every word of the Bible is 100% true. 89 00:03:45,664 --> 00:03:47,733 Oh, really? And what makes you so sure? 90 00:03:47,767 --> 00:03:49,803 Because it's the greatest book ever written. 91 00:03:49,835 --> 00:03:51,437 All the best stories are in there. 92 00:03:51,471 --> 00:03:52,940 Noah's ark, David and Goliath, 93 00:03:52,972 --> 00:03:55,007 the Princess and the pea, "Steamboat Willie," 94 00:03:55,041 --> 00:03:57,478 the story of the rabbit who stole the children's cereal, 95 00:03:57,511 --> 00:04:00,114 the man who says, "Now, that's a spicy meatball!" 96 00:04:01,614 --> 00:04:03,316 Uhh, Dad? 97 00:04:03,350 --> 00:04:06,286 Have you ever, you know, actually read the Bible? 98 00:04:06,318 --> 00:04:08,955 Why would I? That's what the talking guy at church does. 99 00:04:08,989 --> 00:04:11,458 If there was something fishy in there, he'd have caught it by now. 100 00:04:11,490 --> 00:04:13,125 He's obsessed with that thing. 101 00:04:13,158 --> 00:04:15,495 - Well, maybe you should go read it. - Fine, I will. 102 00:04:15,529 --> 00:04:17,096 In fact, I tell you what, Steve. 103 00:04:17,130 --> 00:04:18,598 We'll read the Bible together. 104 00:04:18,632 --> 00:04:20,199 It's about time someone instilled 105 00:04:20,233 --> 00:04:21,634 a little faith into you. 106 00:04:21,668 --> 00:04:23,804 (SCOFFS) Please. Faith is for suckers. 107 00:04:23,836 --> 00:04:26,772 (GASPS DRAMATICALLY) 108 00:04:26,805 --> 00:04:28,442 Stan?! 109 00:04:28,474 --> 00:04:30,543 (CONTINUES GASPING) 110 00:04:30,577 --> 00:04:32,713 Daddy, please stop gasping! 111 00:04:32,745 --> 00:04:34,013 (CONTINUES GASPING) 112 00:04:38,914 --> 00:04:41,250 Here we are, the family Bible. 113 00:04:41,284 --> 00:04:43,286 I see you got it at Waldenbooks. 114 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,788 Yes, Waldenbooks. 115 00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:46,656 Don't you have respect for anything? 116 00:04:46,690 --> 00:04:48,992 No better place to start than at the beginning. 117 00:04:49,024 --> 00:04:52,161 "In the beginning..." right spot, good start... 118 00:04:52,195 --> 00:04:54,331 "God created the heavens and the Earth. 119 00:04:54,363 --> 00:04:57,800 On the first day, God separated light and darkness." 120 00:04:57,834 --> 00:04:59,470 - See? Simple enough. - Hmm. 121 00:04:59,502 --> 00:05:01,839 Well, down here, it says that on the fourth day, 122 00:05:01,872 --> 00:05:03,507 God created the sun and stars. 123 00:05:03,539 --> 00:05:05,141 Tell me, how could light exist 124 00:05:05,175 --> 00:05:07,110 before the sun and stars were created? 125 00:05:07,142 --> 00:05:08,578 Well, there's got to be an explanation. 126 00:05:08,611 --> 00:05:09,979 (SNAPS FINGERS) And here it is. 127 00:05:10,012 --> 00:05:12,048 - Probably God has lasers. - (LASERS BLASTING) 128 00:05:15,284 --> 00:05:17,587 The Adam and Eve story. 129 00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:20,524 I defy you to find even a single flaw with this. 130 00:05:20,557 --> 00:05:23,860 It says that Adam lived to be 930 years old. 131 00:05:23,894 --> 00:05:26,296 That's a big number, but you got to remember, 132 00:05:26,329 --> 00:05:27,831 this was before doctors, 133 00:05:27,863 --> 00:05:30,334 so cancer and that kind of stuff didn't exist yet. 134 00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:31,869 Cain was married? 135 00:05:31,901 --> 00:05:33,769 How could Cain possibly have had a wife 136 00:05:33,803 --> 00:05:36,038 when the only other people in existence at the time 137 00:05:36,072 --> 00:05:37,608 were his parents and brother? 138 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,843 Steve, guys like Cain always end up with the girl. 139 00:05:40,877 --> 00:05:42,880 Scratch that... still makes no sense. 140 00:05:42,913 --> 00:05:46,183 Um, uh, might have to come back to that one. 141 00:05:46,216 --> 00:05:49,987 The ark is filled with thousands upon thousands of animals. 142 00:05:50,019 --> 00:05:52,955 How were each of them fed and tended to by just eight people? 143 00:05:52,988 --> 00:05:55,058 Uh... 144 00:05:55,091 --> 00:05:58,295 And how did a dove return with an Olive leaf, 145 00:05:58,327 --> 00:06:00,830 when no Olive tree could possibly survive 146 00:06:00,863 --> 00:06:02,666 an apocalyptic flood? 147 00:06:02,699 --> 00:06:04,635 Oh, God, I don't know! 148 00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,970 And the ark... a boat this size 149 00:06:07,002 --> 00:06:09,406 could never hold two of every animal. 150 00:06:09,438 --> 00:06:11,073 The ark would have to be, like, 151 00:06:11,106 --> 00:06:12,976 the size of four baseball stadiums. 152 00:06:13,009 --> 00:06:14,211 (CREAKING) 153 00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:15,678 - (COW MOOING) - (MONKEY HOOTING) 154 00:06:15,711 --> 00:06:17,647 No boat that's big! I'm drowning! 155 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,149 I'm drowning in your logic! 156 00:06:19,182 --> 00:06:21,051 Oh, God, my faith. 157 00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:23,554 Everything I believe, it's all crazy. 158 00:06:23,586 --> 00:06:25,221 It's crazy baloney. 159 00:06:25,255 --> 00:06:28,659 It's not crazy baloney because crazy baloney is real. 160 00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:31,061 It's called pepperoni. 161 00:06:34,664 --> 00:06:36,733 I don't know who I am anymore. 162 00:06:36,766 --> 00:06:39,869 Without my faith, I'm... I'm nothing. 163 00:06:39,902 --> 00:06:41,471 That's not true. 164 00:06:41,503 --> 00:06:44,006 - You're a husband, a father. - That means nothing! 165 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,744 Stan, maybe you don't need to be so literal with the Bible. 166 00:06:47,777 --> 00:06:51,648 You know, a lot of people see it as a set of instructive fables. 167 00:06:51,681 --> 00:06:54,017 Fables? You want me to base my entire life 168 00:06:54,049 --> 00:06:55,919 on a bunch of imaginary fairy tales? 169 00:06:55,951 --> 00:06:58,253 That would only make sense if I was imaginary. 170 00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:00,056 The only problem is I'm real! 171 00:07:00,088 --> 00:07:02,424 I'm as real as crazy baloney! 172 00:07:02,458 --> 00:07:03,960 (SOBS) 173 00:07:08,064 --> 00:07:09,933 It's the end of the world! 174 00:07:09,965 --> 00:07:11,867 - I know. - You heard, too? 175 00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:14,603 Kraft made their mac and cheese even cheesier. 176 00:07:14,636 --> 00:07:16,071 I mean, I haven't tried it yet, 177 00:07:16,104 --> 00:07:18,208 but I'm almost certain it'll be too cheesy for me. 178 00:07:18,241 --> 00:07:19,676 What?! No! 179 00:07:19,708 --> 00:07:21,845 - I lost my faith. - Oh, that. 180 00:07:21,878 --> 00:07:23,279 Stan, I've been telling you for years 181 00:07:23,311 --> 00:07:24,547 religion was a load of bull. 182 00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:26,181 Why didn't you ever listen to me? 183 00:07:26,215 --> 00:07:28,118 No one likes to be ignored. 184 00:07:28,150 --> 00:07:30,052 You hurt my feelings, 185 00:07:30,085 --> 00:07:31,955 but I suppose that's all in the past. 186 00:07:31,987 --> 00:07:34,124 - I'm already over it! - Good for you. 187 00:07:34,157 --> 00:07:36,258 Stan, wake up! (CLAPPING) 188 00:07:36,292 --> 00:07:37,527 Can't you see? 189 00:07:37,559 --> 00:07:38,961 Without the shackles of religion, 190 00:07:38,994 --> 00:07:40,463 you're free to do whatever you want. 191 00:07:40,496 --> 00:07:42,097 Break a commandment, break all of 'em. 192 00:07:42,131 --> 00:07:43,398 How will that help? 193 00:07:43,431 --> 00:07:45,400 Uh, pleasure... ever heard of it? 194 00:07:45,434 --> 00:07:46,770 Ever grokked it? 195 00:07:46,802 --> 00:07:49,138 Pleasure is the road to happiness. 196 00:07:49,172 --> 00:07:52,241 People talk about filling the void as if it's a bad thing. 197 00:07:52,275 --> 00:07:55,345 It's actually full of nerve endings. 198 00:07:57,013 --> 00:07:58,648 Okay, we'll start off small. 199 00:07:58,681 --> 00:08:01,417 Sneak over to the neighbor's porch and steal the welcome mat. 200 00:08:01,450 --> 00:08:03,620 I don't know, that kind of sounds like stealing. 201 00:08:03,653 --> 00:08:05,220 And thou shalt not do it, 202 00:08:05,253 --> 00:08:07,790 but that's why it'll make you feel good. 203 00:08:12,361 --> 00:08:14,164 (GIGGLING) 204 00:08:14,196 --> 00:08:15,764 Whoo, that did feel good. 205 00:08:15,797 --> 00:08:18,100 Who needs God when you've got this welcome mat? 206 00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:20,235 Welcome mat's just the beginning. 207 00:08:20,268 --> 00:08:21,937 We're gonna go way deeper. 208 00:08:21,970 --> 00:08:26,008 209 00:08:26,042 --> 00:08:30,814 - I watched you change - (GLASS BREAKS) 210 00:08:33,783 --> 00:08:38,655 - Into a fly - (ROOSTER CLUCKING) 211 00:08:38,688 --> 00:08:40,189 (SIREN WAILS) 212 00:08:40,222 --> 00:08:41,524 (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) 213 00:08:41,557 --> 00:08:44,294 - (TIRES SCREECH) - I looked away 214 00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:49,966 You were on fire 215 00:08:49,998 --> 00:08:52,001 (DOOR SLAMS) 216 00:08:59,507 --> 00:09:02,177 I watched a change 217 00:09:02,211 --> 00:09:04,047 (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) 218 00:09:04,079 --> 00:09:06,815 In you 219 00:09:06,848 --> 00:09:10,052 It's like you never 220 00:09:10,086 --> 00:09:13,556 Umm, what did you do with the basement? 221 00:09:13,588 --> 00:09:16,458 You scared Suck Boy Tony! 222 00:09:16,491 --> 00:09:19,462 Stan, you don't seem very happy. 223 00:09:19,495 --> 00:09:21,530 (SIGHS) I tried everything to fill the void 224 00:09:21,564 --> 00:09:22,998 where my faith used to be. 225 00:09:23,031 --> 00:09:24,400 I'm lost, Francine. 226 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,468 Everything is meaningless. 227 00:09:26,501 --> 00:09:28,003 TONY: Have you tried meditating? 228 00:09:28,036 --> 00:09:30,906 Hey, Tony, that mouth's not for giving advice. 229 00:09:30,939 --> 00:09:32,674 Have you seen dad? 230 00:09:32,708 --> 00:09:34,309 He's supposed to take me to an autograph session 231 00:09:34,342 --> 00:09:36,545 with Food & Wine magazine's Gail Simmons 232 00:09:36,578 --> 00:09:38,213 at Murray's Discount Auto Store. 233 00:09:38,246 --> 00:09:39,482 Listen to me. 234 00:09:39,515 --> 00:09:41,484 Your father's in really bad shape 235 00:09:41,516 --> 00:09:44,087 because of your big-shot ideas about the Bible. 236 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,891 So you need to find a way to restore his faith real fast. 237 00:09:47,924 --> 00:09:49,491 Me? I don't know what to do. 238 00:09:49,525 --> 00:09:51,560 You broke him, you fix him! 239 00:09:51,593 --> 00:09:54,030 Oh, and stay out of the basement. 240 00:09:54,063 --> 00:09:55,765 The furnace has been making 241 00:09:55,798 --> 00:09:59,501 a moaning and wet slapping sound. 242 00:09:59,535 --> 00:10:02,005 (THUNDER BOOMS) 243 00:10:02,038 --> 00:10:04,507 (KEYBOARD CLACKING) 244 00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:05,942 Okay, great. 245 00:10:05,974 --> 00:10:08,176 I can just send him to one of these camps. 246 00:10:08,209 --> 00:10:09,578 Oh. 247 00:10:09,612 --> 00:10:12,515 These are, uh, gay conversion camps. 248 00:10:12,548 --> 00:10:15,952 Wait a minute, is that Suck Boy Tony? 249 00:10:15,985 --> 00:10:18,922 (SCOFFS) They got their work cut out for them. 250 00:10:19,655 --> 00:10:20,924 Dad? 251 00:10:23,291 --> 00:10:25,427 I've never seen him like this before. 252 00:10:25,461 --> 00:10:27,864 He's just lying out there in the pouring rain. 253 00:10:27,896 --> 00:10:31,099 - (THUNDER BOOMS) - The pouring rain! 254 00:10:31,132 --> 00:10:33,235 (KEYBOARD CLACKING) 255 00:10:35,905 --> 00:10:37,940 It's all meaningless. 256 00:10:37,973 --> 00:10:41,910 There's no point to anything, not even breathing. 257 00:10:41,943 --> 00:10:43,612 Last one. 258 00:10:43,645 --> 00:10:45,748 (INHALES) 259 00:10:48,450 --> 00:10:49,785 (HARP MUSIC PLAYS) 260 00:10:49,818 --> 00:10:51,453 Hallelujah 261 00:10:51,487 --> 00:10:53,488 - Hallelujah - God? 262 00:10:53,521 --> 00:10:56,258 - Is that really you? - No, son. 263 00:10:56,291 --> 00:10:58,827 I'm your brain cells dying. 264 00:10:58,861 --> 00:11:02,131 You've now forgotten the word zebra. 265 00:11:02,164 --> 00:11:03,598 - (SNAPS FINGERS) - Zebra? 266 00:11:03,631 --> 00:11:05,768 Big whoop. I never heard that word in my life. 267 00:11:13,108 --> 00:11:14,743 - (GASPS) - Dad, come inside. 268 00:11:14,776 --> 00:11:16,078 I got something to show you. 269 00:11:16,112 --> 00:11:19,147 Look! It's a gigantic ship in Korea. 270 00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:23,419 - So? - And it's bigger than four baseball stadiums. 271 00:11:23,452 --> 00:11:25,020 Like the ark. 272 00:11:25,054 --> 00:11:26,756 Wait, is this real? 273 00:11:26,789 --> 00:11:29,158 We thought it was impossible, but here it is! 274 00:11:29,190 --> 00:11:32,794 So, the ark could be real, and if the ark's real, 275 00:11:32,828 --> 00:11:34,831 everything else just falls into place. 276 00:11:34,863 --> 00:11:36,631 - Well... - I can have my faith! 277 00:11:36,665 --> 00:11:38,367 I can have my faith again! 278 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,669 Stan, you're back! 279 00:11:39,702 --> 00:11:41,804 Of course, I am, and better than ever. 280 00:11:41,837 --> 00:11:44,941 - (LAUGHS) - Whoo! 281 00:11:44,973 --> 00:11:47,709 I was hopeless for so long, but now I can see that God 282 00:11:47,742 --> 00:11:49,978 was only testing the strength of my faith. 283 00:11:50,011 --> 00:11:51,680 And you passed the test. 284 00:11:51,713 --> 00:11:54,983 I did, so he revealed to me through his instrument, 285 00:11:55,016 --> 00:11:58,286 - Steve, the location of the new ark. - Oh, no. 286 00:11:58,319 --> 00:12:01,056 Family, be at peace, for we must get to the ark 287 00:12:01,089 --> 00:12:04,960 before the floods begin because I am the new Noah. 288 00:12:04,993 --> 00:12:06,561 Stan? 289 00:12:06,594 --> 00:12:08,330 You've been depressed, 290 00:12:08,363 --> 00:12:12,701 and now you're just swinging too far in the other direction. 291 00:12:12,735 --> 00:12:13,970 (DOG BARKING) 292 00:12:14,002 --> 00:12:16,872 Listen! It's a sign. 293 00:12:16,905 --> 00:12:18,540 - It's a bark. - Exactly. 294 00:12:18,573 --> 00:12:19,909 B-ark! 295 00:12:19,942 --> 00:12:21,844 Just get rid of the "B." Ark! 296 00:12:21,876 --> 00:12:24,579 (GASPS) Wait! Bring the letter "B" back. 297 00:12:24,612 --> 00:12:26,549 "B" on the ark. 298 00:12:26,582 --> 00:12:28,484 Absolutely hilarious. 299 00:12:28,516 --> 00:12:31,820 Sir, where have you been all these years? 300 00:12:31,853 --> 00:12:33,823 Hallelujah 301 00:12:33,856 --> 00:12:36,259 - Hallelujah - Lord, I shall go to Korea... 302 00:12:36,291 --> 00:12:38,360 - Hallelujah - ...And carry out your grand design. 303 00:12:38,394 --> 00:12:39,729 Look out, world! 304 00:12:39,761 --> 00:12:42,732 God and Stan are back together again! 305 00:12:42,765 --> 00:12:46,369 It's not official till you change your Facebook status! 306 00:12:48,947 --> 00:12:52,717 - Look, dad actually thinks he's Noah. - Don't worry. 307 00:12:52,742 --> 00:12:54,314 When he sees that his ark is just 308 00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:57,655 a liquefied natural gas ship, he'll snap out of it. 309 00:12:57,765 --> 00:13:00,735 And go back to being the dad, husband, and paid killer 310 00:13:00,767 --> 00:13:03,271 for the U.S. government we all know and love. 311 00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:05,139 What if this ark thing is real? 312 00:13:05,171 --> 00:13:06,439 He'll need two goldfish. 313 00:13:06,473 --> 00:13:07,974 Do you think he'll choose me? 314 00:13:08,007 --> 00:13:10,011 Mm, I wouldn't. 315 00:13:11,978 --> 00:13:14,714 Stan... how's it going? 316 00:13:14,747 --> 00:13:17,384 You've just been smiling peacefully 317 00:13:17,418 --> 00:13:18,919 for 20 hours straight. 318 00:13:18,952 --> 00:13:20,554 Well, why wouldn't I be smiling? 319 00:13:20,587 --> 00:13:22,323 Everyone's about to drown except us. 320 00:13:29,329 --> 00:13:31,232 Hey, watch it, buddy! 321 00:13:31,265 --> 00:13:32,566 You watch it. 322 00:13:32,598 --> 00:13:34,568 We have 40 tons of overalls to unload. 323 00:13:34,601 --> 00:13:36,470 - Overalls? - Whoa. 324 00:13:36,502 --> 00:13:37,937 You're into overalls, too? 325 00:13:37,971 --> 00:13:39,473 I've been looking for the perfect pair, 326 00:13:39,506 --> 00:13:40,975 but it's so hard to find the right... 327 00:13:41,007 --> 00:13:42,442 TOGETHER: ...Chest pocket! 328 00:13:42,476 --> 00:13:45,813 Partner, follow my lead. 329 00:13:47,481 --> 00:13:49,984 (WHISTLING) 330 00:13:52,386 --> 00:13:53,820 Come on, Jeff! 331 00:13:53,853 --> 00:13:56,357 (WHISTLING) 332 00:13:58,192 --> 00:14:00,995 - There's no cone to kick! - Just get in. 333 00:14:01,027 --> 00:14:05,199 I'll explain on the way why a second cone isn't important. 334 00:14:08,535 --> 00:14:13,140 There it is... the ark. 335 00:14:13,173 --> 00:14:14,875 What a sight! 336 00:14:14,907 --> 00:14:20,146 And the crescendo of emotions, and then, satisfied, 337 00:14:20,179 --> 00:14:22,650 we're ready to go back to the car. 338 00:14:22,683 --> 00:14:25,152 Are you joking? No, we got to go on board. 339 00:14:25,184 --> 00:14:27,821 Dad, I'm pretty sure they're not gonna let us do that. 340 00:14:27,854 --> 00:14:29,155 MAN: Ahoy! 341 00:14:29,189 --> 00:14:30,824 Noah! 342 00:14:30,857 --> 00:14:33,060 We've been waiting for you! 343 00:14:35,094 --> 00:14:38,998 Hi, I'm Robert Kim with Daesong Heavy Industries. 344 00:14:39,031 --> 00:14:42,869 I know it's kind of a shocker, but this actually is the ark. 345 00:14:42,902 --> 00:14:45,839 God gave Daesong direct orders to rebuild it. 346 00:14:45,872 --> 00:14:47,742 Well, then, what's the hold-up? Let's get on board. 347 00:14:47,775 --> 00:14:49,175 Absolutely. 348 00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:50,744 First, though, in order to get you ready 349 00:14:50,777 --> 00:14:52,212 for the flood, we need to train you. 350 00:14:52,246 --> 00:14:55,716 Once again, you're one step ahead. 351 00:14:55,748 --> 00:14:57,917 Sir, you can just follow these fine folks here, 352 00:14:57,950 --> 00:15:00,754 and we will get you set up. 353 00:15:00,788 --> 00:15:03,157 You're a great man! Don't worry. 354 00:15:03,189 --> 00:15:05,025 We know he's not a great man, and of course, 355 00:15:05,058 --> 00:15:06,827 of course this isn't the ark. 356 00:15:06,859 --> 00:15:09,596 But... you just... and he... 357 00:15:09,630 --> 00:15:10,898 Allow me to explain. 358 00:15:10,930 --> 00:15:12,900 Daesong builds a lot of big ships, 359 00:15:12,933 --> 00:15:15,102 and each time we do, it attracts people 360 00:15:15,135 --> 00:15:18,205 - who have what is known as a Noah complex. - Like my dad? 361 00:15:18,237 --> 00:15:20,874 Lunatics like your father can be a big nuisance, 362 00:15:20,907 --> 00:15:22,175 always sneaking on board, 363 00:15:22,208 --> 00:15:24,078 slithering around the engine room. 364 00:15:24,111 --> 00:15:27,213 - So we came up with the Noah experience... - (FANFARE PLAYS) 365 00:15:27,247 --> 00:15:28,449 ...designed to make people feel like 366 00:15:28,482 --> 00:15:29,949 they're living through the food. 367 00:15:29,982 --> 00:15:32,085 They go through it, get it out of their systems, 368 00:15:32,118 --> 00:15:34,687 then everyone heads home happy and safely away 369 00:15:34,721 --> 00:15:36,524 from our very expensive ships. 370 00:15:36,556 --> 00:15:38,291 Now if you'll follow me, 371 00:15:38,324 --> 00:15:41,127 we have a wonderful assortment of Pepperidge Farm cookies 372 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:42,762 awaiting you in the family lounge. 373 00:15:42,795 --> 00:15:44,098 Pepperidge Farm? 374 00:15:44,131 --> 00:15:45,900 Well, well, well. 375 00:15:45,933 --> 00:15:47,602 (SMACKS LIPS) 376 00:15:52,305 --> 00:15:54,208 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 377 00:15:54,241 --> 00:15:55,876 Who are these guys? 378 00:15:55,909 --> 00:15:57,444 Fellow ark seekers, like yourself. 379 00:15:57,477 --> 00:16:01,348 So, who here is ready to start our holy adventure?! 380 00:16:03,983 --> 00:16:07,420 Look out! Here comes the storm! 381 00:16:07,453 --> 00:16:09,957 (THUNDER BOOMS) 382 00:16:11,791 --> 00:16:12,992 - Whoo-hoo! - Make it rain! 383 00:16:13,025 --> 00:16:14,761 - All right! - Yay! 384 00:16:14,795 --> 00:16:16,564 - Yeah! - All right! 385 00:16:16,597 --> 00:16:19,500 There's something about this I'm not buying. 386 00:16:19,532 --> 00:16:22,135 Get your animals to their pens! 387 00:16:22,169 --> 00:16:25,506 Go to your pen, you striped horse! 388 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,010 Hmm, got to admit that felt pretty Noah-y. 389 00:16:30,043 --> 00:16:32,880 Now let's see if the flood waters have receded. 390 00:16:38,050 --> 00:16:39,319 Hoo-ah! 391 00:16:39,352 --> 00:16:41,521 We survived the flood! 392 00:16:41,554 --> 00:16:43,089 It's over! 393 00:16:43,122 --> 00:16:44,757 We did it! 394 00:16:44,790 --> 00:16:46,926 Ark! 395 00:16:46,959 --> 00:16:50,030 - Pretty exciting. - And it worked! 396 00:16:50,063 --> 00:16:51,298 - Yay! - Yeah! 397 00:16:51,330 --> 00:16:52,999 It weeded out all the fake Noahs. 398 00:16:53,032 --> 00:16:54,601 - Aw, shit. - Aw, shit. 399 00:16:54,635 --> 00:16:55,970 So you're not over this? 400 00:16:56,002 --> 00:16:57,670 The whole experience was a sham! 401 00:16:57,704 --> 00:16:59,874 I mean, sure, the animatronics were incredible. 402 00:16:59,907 --> 00:17:03,177 Yes, I had the time of my life, and without question, 403 00:17:03,209 --> 00:17:04,978 these are top-quality items... 404 00:17:05,012 --> 00:17:07,281 Things I'm going to keep forever... 405 00:17:07,314 --> 00:17:09,048 But still, I was lied to! 406 00:17:09,082 --> 00:17:11,552 Yeah, you shouldn't put up with that! 407 00:17:11,584 --> 00:17:13,953 I know... let's go home, 408 00:17:13,987 --> 00:17:17,358 and you take a bunch of antipsychotic medication. 409 00:17:17,391 --> 00:17:19,893 - That'll show 'em! - No! This is happening! 410 00:17:19,927 --> 00:17:23,063 The flood is coming, and we are going to be on that ark! 411 00:17:23,095 --> 00:17:25,665 Stan, come back! 412 00:17:25,699 --> 00:17:29,068 413 00:17:29,102 --> 00:17:31,405 Time to do some Bible thumping! 414 00:17:31,438 --> 00:17:33,806 The Lord said to Noah 415 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,910 There's gonna be a floody-floody 416 00:17:35,942 --> 00:17:38,211 The Lord said to Noah 417 00:17:38,245 --> 00:17:40,514 There's gonna be a floody-floody 418 00:17:40,546 --> 00:17:45,018 Get those children out of the muddy-muddy 419 00:17:45,052 --> 00:17:48,822 Children of the Lord 420 00:17:48,854 --> 00:17:51,057 The ark is ours! 421 00:17:51,091 --> 00:17:53,227 Stan, we got to go. 422 00:17:53,259 --> 00:17:55,762 You just threw the whole crew in the ocean. 423 00:17:55,795 --> 00:17:58,498 (LAUGHS) 424 00:17:58,532 --> 00:17:59,667 Good work, Stan! 425 00:17:59,699 --> 00:18:01,067 Hey, it just occurred to me. 426 00:18:01,101 --> 00:18:02,570 There were never fish aboard the ark. 427 00:18:02,602 --> 00:18:04,103 They stayed down in the water. 428 00:18:04,137 --> 00:18:06,874 No, no! 429 00:18:06,907 --> 00:18:09,776 You dipshit, there are [BLEEP] sharks in there! 430 00:18:09,810 --> 00:18:11,279 (SPLASHING) 431 00:18:12,579 --> 00:18:14,582 - (CREAKING) - Mom, we got to get out of here! 432 00:18:14,614 --> 00:18:17,116 What?! This is our home for the next 40 days. 433 00:18:17,150 --> 00:18:18,886 - Let's go check it out. - (CLANK) 434 00:18:18,919 --> 00:18:20,554 Steve, this must be your room. 435 00:18:20,586 --> 00:18:23,256 STEVE: Dad, this is a tank for liquefied natural gas. 436 00:18:23,289 --> 00:18:25,758 And would you look at those vaulted ceilings! 437 00:18:25,792 --> 00:18:28,529 Perfect for all your Cheryl Tiegs posters! 438 00:18:28,562 --> 00:18:30,631 This is the room where the pipes are. 439 00:18:30,663 --> 00:18:33,766 And this one is where the extra pipes are. 440 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,603 Oh, and this must be the main pipe room. 441 00:18:35,635 --> 00:18:39,239 Pipes are very important on a ship. 442 00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:44,711 Okay, here's the animals, but still no master bedroom. 443 00:18:44,745 --> 00:18:48,215 - There are animals here. - No way. 444 00:18:48,247 --> 00:18:50,750 There has to be some logical explanation. 445 00:18:50,784 --> 00:18:54,388 Ah, this manifest says these animals are from the Busan Zoo 446 00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:56,724 being transported to the National Zoo of Malaysia. 447 00:18:56,756 --> 00:18:58,324 See? It all makes sense. 448 00:18:58,358 --> 00:19:01,227 Not really. Even that is weird. 449 00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:02,562 Why would a zoo use 450 00:19:02,595 --> 00:19:04,931 a natural gas ship to transport animals? 451 00:19:04,965 --> 00:19:06,233 Because... 452 00:19:06,266 --> 00:19:08,235 [(SING-SONG VOICE] we got overalls! 453 00:19:08,267 --> 00:19:09,969 (THUNDER BOOMS) 454 00:19:10,003 --> 00:19:11,639 It's happening! 455 00:19:11,671 --> 00:19:13,239 We didn't miss nothing. 456 00:19:13,273 --> 00:19:14,641 Stan's still insane! 457 00:19:17,443 --> 00:19:19,245 We have to set sail now! 458 00:19:19,278 --> 00:19:21,949 Stop! Think for a second! 459 00:19:21,981 --> 00:19:24,817 Are you really about to steal a boat of animals 460 00:19:24,851 --> 00:19:26,487 and sail off into the ocean? 461 00:19:26,519 --> 00:19:29,256 Listen, I know everything at this moment 462 00:19:29,288 --> 00:19:30,490 must look crazy to you. 463 00:19:30,524 --> 00:19:32,426 For the last thousand moments. 464 00:19:32,458 --> 00:19:34,795 But I'm asking you, all of you, 465 00:19:34,827 --> 00:19:38,999 to take this leap with me, to have some faith. 466 00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:42,369 I'm staying. 467 00:19:42,401 --> 00:19:44,971 Steve, do you really think this is the ark? 468 00:19:45,005 --> 00:19:46,640 Look, t-there's a lot of weird stuff 469 00:19:46,672 --> 00:19:48,342 going on that I can't explain. 470 00:19:48,374 --> 00:19:49,876 But you have faith. 471 00:19:49,910 --> 00:19:53,814 Yeah, but it's faith in you 'cause you're Dad. 472 00:19:53,846 --> 00:19:55,882 - Well, that's stupid. - Thanks, Son. 473 00:19:55,916 --> 00:19:57,384 Francine? 474 00:19:57,417 --> 00:20:00,688 Well, I've seen one miracle today. 475 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:03,189 You've given Steve some faith. 476 00:20:03,222 --> 00:20:05,358 That's enough to make me stay. 477 00:20:05,391 --> 00:20:08,795 Plus, I'd like to pet the Alpaca I saw. 478 00:20:08,829 --> 00:20:10,731 Hayley? 479 00:20:10,764 --> 00:20:12,332 What do you say, baby girl? 480 00:20:12,364 --> 00:20:14,734 No way! This is beyond crazy. 481 00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:16,903 I'll see you when the police haul you in. 482 00:20:16,937 --> 00:20:18,706 (THUNDER BOOMS) 483 00:20:18,738 --> 00:20:21,141 (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING, EXPLOSIONS) 484 00:20:21,173 --> 00:20:23,410 Start the damn boat! 485 00:20:23,442 --> 00:20:26,512 (LIGHTNING CRASHES) 486 00:20:26,545 --> 00:20:28,381 (SCREAMING) 487 00:20:28,414 --> 00:20:30,483 Stan, I'm scared! 488 00:20:30,516 --> 00:20:33,987 Don't worry, after every ending is a new beginning! 489 00:20:34,019 --> 00:20:35,256 Okay! 490 00:20:36,756 --> 00:20:38,491 Please, slow down! 491 00:20:38,525 --> 00:20:40,093 I'll never catch up! 492 00:20:40,127 --> 00:20:41,562 I'll die out here! 493 00:20:41,594 --> 00:20:43,596 (GASPS) My bowl! 494 00:20:43,630 --> 00:20:45,165 (SPLASH) 495 00:20:45,198 --> 00:20:47,935 I'll ride out the flood in my own ark! 496 00:20:47,968 --> 00:20:51,537 Kiss my ass, Stan, you crazy dick head! 497 00:20:51,571 --> 00:20:52,807 (GASPS) 498 00:20:52,857 --> 00:20:57,407 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36073

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