Original subtitles

[Music playing faintly]

Guys, we made it.

We're finally invited to a party with the cool kids.

That's right, boys.

Once again, we're being socially rewarded

thanks to my...

[Imitates Kermit the frog] Kermit the frog voice.

- Wocka, wocka, wocka. - We're at the door.

Seriously, guys. Shut the [Bleep] up.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, this is great. You guys came!

Of course. One needn't always watch

"C.S.I. Cyber" the night that it airs.

[Laughs] Turn your invitations over.

_

Oh, no, the back! Why didn't we read the back?

Do we have to stay for this?

What's the etiquette here?

[Cheering]

Boy: Yeah!

[Gasps]

[Shrieks]

[Grunts]

Snot: Steve!

Go on without me!

No! Never leave a friend behind.

[Cheering continues]

[Speaking Japanese]

[Chirping]

Both: Aw! Aw!

[Splat]

Mertz: Ha ha!

Good morning, U.S.A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky has a smile on his face

And he's shinin' a salute to the American race

Oh, boy, it's swell to say

good... good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

Good morning, U.S.A.

Snot: Oh, man.

Looks like the party really took off after we left.

Should we have stayed?

I just wanted to go to one awesome party.

Throw your own party.

E-excuse me?

You're sick of not having parties to go to?

Throw your own.

Sounds to me like you boys deserve your moment

of being cool.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

That was weird.

Gentlemen, that man at Bobby Freeze

was on to something.

And when a weird man approaches you,

a young boy in public, you do what he tells you.

We're having a party.

- Where? - Right here.

My parents are on vacation in Sarajevo.

Every four years,

they like to tour a former Olympic site

so they can imagine what the games were like

and reflect on how the Olympians' best days

are long behind them.

Snot: Great idea for a vacation.

Barry: The Olympics create more problems

than they fix for a city.

And every year,

they leave me a special allowance

in case I decide to have some fun

while they're away.

I've never touched it.

So we can spend $400 on an awesome party.

And the popular kids won't be invited.

It'll be for kids like us... The dorks and nerds.

And the kids who are both stupid and unattractive.

Aren't those dorks?

No, dorks are often quite good-looking.

We'll invite small head David, uh, friendless Becky Fleming.

Lolo Fuentes.

Sexually curious homeschooled girl Lolo Fuentes?

Her parents don't let her leave the house.

Maybe she'd sneak out for this.

'Cause this is gonna be a party for all the kids

who are never included.

A party for the...

Snot and Steve: Unincludeds!

The deaf kids!

[John Williams' "Olympic Fanfare and Theme" playing]

Francine, come and picture what it was like

to watch the opening ceremonies from here.

Ever done it in an abandoned eastern bloc sports arena?

Mmm, that depends.

Is Romania in the eastern bloc?

And does it still count if the stadium

was full of screaming spectators?

What kind of food is "Nouveau Fretalian"?

Stick with me. I'm gonna nail my order.

Hi. What can I get you?

I guess I'll have the beet salad,

and, um, the Risotto, and a glass of red wine.

Um, anything that's not too expensive.

Great order.

[Chuckling] Oh, please.

I'll have the tuna tartare with quail egg,

the duck with pear mostarda, and a glass of Prosecco.

I'll put that in right away.

How could she compliment your order and not mine?

Did she?

Please, she practically dry-humped

your turd of an order.

Mine was inspired.

She should've said "great order" to me!

Maybe she sensed that you were gonna make me pay.

Of course you're paying for this.

Who do you think was paying for this?

That I'd pay for this?

After the way I've been treated?!

[Club music playing, indistinct conversations]

Whoa, it's packed!

[Doorbell rings]

Yo, I heard you losers are having a party.

And I go to every party

'cause I kinda have a drinking problem.

Welcome. If you would just stand on that "X,"

someone will be along to take your coat.

Mertz: Coat check! Nice touch.

It's actually a little chilly.

I might hang on to my coat.

Hey, Mertz! How do you like your eggs?

I like 'em hard-boiled in the Winter

so I can put 'em in my pockets

and keep my hands warm on my walk to...

[Grunting]

Aah!

Guys, we've become what we despise.

- Yay! - All right!

Our reign of cool starts now.

[Electricity crackles]

[Door whoos]

- Whoa! - Who are you?

I'm you, Steve, from the year 2040.

And I'm you, Snot, and we're here to warn you.

You can't go back to that party.

If you're from the future,

who wins the world series next year?

Rene Russo.

Buckle up, it's a crazy season.

[Soft rock music playing]

Future us? We're so polished.

Steve, look at us! We're still hanging out.

Yeah, we're best friends,

like Taylor Swift and Usain Bolt.

Oh, you don't know about that yet.

They become best friends,

briefly overthrow the U.S. government,

and are beheaded together in Times Square.

Steve, they don't want a boring history lesson.

What's important is

we've been inseparable for, like, 30 years.

And together, we invented the time machine.

See, here's the secret to life...

If you're an awkward outsider as a kid,

you end up being a rich, cool, and very successful adult.

But a few days ago,

we had a couple failures in the lab,

and that was weird.

And when I got a memory of getting a blow job

in high school, we knew something was very wrong.

[Sarcastically] Oh, no, that's so bad.

We checked the security footage from our lab

and noticed that Mertz stole one of our time machines.

I bet Mertz was that janitor in Bobby Freeze!

He... he told us to have a party.

Oh! He wants you to be cool now

so in the future, you aren't as successful.

You guys can't go back down to that party.

What?

You're asking us to give up our chance to be popular

and talk to all the girls who are here to see us?

It better be worth it for us later on.

Oh, it is.

I've had sex four times with three different women.

You hear that, Snot? Someone came back for seconds.

Snot?

He went down to the party! He's gonna ruin everything!

Okay, go get him, but don't talk to anyone.

Don't do anything memorable.

Just make your usual zero impact on people.

Your future depends on it.

What happens to me and Toshi?

Toshi stopped talking to us after high school.

[Speaks Japanese]

And Barry, old friend,

you died young in a formula one accident.

Did a wheel hop the grandstand and take my head off

because I was looking the other way because of nachos?

No, you were a super famous driver.

Oh.

In fact, during your final grand prix,

you got blinded by the amount of tits

being flashed in your face.

But you kept your foot on the gas, Barry.

That was your way.

No one had ever seen a blind guy drive so straight.

If only it had been a straight course.

I don't wanna do this.

Since when did that ever affect what we do?

- So, you know the plan? - Yeah.

We reverse our orders from the last time

to see if she compliments your order.

And if she doesn't, we'll know it's personal.

And if it's personal, you wanna guess

which direction the shit's going, Hayley?

"A," down. "B," up. "C," none of the above!

Take the test, Hayley!

- "A!" - Which one was "A"?

Down. That's right!

- Good evening. - Oh! Buenos noches.

I think we're ready.

I'll have the beet salad, Risotto,

- and a glass of red wine. - And for you?

I'll have the quail egg, tuna tartare,

the duck with pear mostarda,

and a glass of, uh, prosecco.

Ooh, great order.

No, no, absolutely no!

Why did you tell her she had a great order,

- but not me? - Did I? I'm sorry.

I have a date tonight. I wasn't even thinking.

You heard her. It's personal.

That's not what she... It's personal!

[Indistinct conversations]

Oh... zero impact.

Don't even make a ripple.

[Indistinct conversations]

Klaus, have you seen Snot?

Why would I be looking for Snot?

This dude's hitting on me!

- Boy: It's Steve! - Boy: Steve, come hang out!

Don't even make eye contact.

[Doorbell rings]

Lolo Fuentes.

Lolo Fuentes.

It's Lolo Fuentes.

That's Lolo Fuentes.

Lolo Fuentes is here.

Lolo Fuentes.

Steve Smith?

Um...

I'm Lolo Fuentes.

I've been homeschooled my entire life,

and I've never socialized with peers before tonight.

Thank you for including me.

Uhh...

I've never talked to a boy before,

but even I can tell you're being smooth.

[Chuckles] And I can't lie.

I'm... I'm feeling some new feelings.

May... may I hug you?

Zero impact.

You know just what to say.

Mm...

- Sia: I'm

- Both: Mm!

- Gonna swing

- Boy: Whoa!

- From the chandelier

- Boy: Check out Steve-O!

- Girl: Steve's the man! - [Both moaning]

Boy: Nice work, camera guy.

Thanks, man.

No one's more unincluded thank the camera guy.

Gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

- Like it doesn't exist

- [Moaning continues]

Steve, when you grow up and your life's awesome,

you're gonna look back on this moment, bro.

This is the moment that changed everything.

Feel my tears as they dry

- I'm...

- Snot: Steve!

Hey, where am I?

A second ago I was blasting my abs at the gym

where I train for free because I'm assistant manager.

Whoa! I'm so ripped now.

How many girls have you had sex with?

How many girls haven't I had sex with?

Zero.

I'm awesome!

I'm not awesome! Look at me.

Am I under a roof?

Sheets!

Steve, what did you do?

I went downstairs to look for you!

I was in the bathroom. I'd never go downstairs.

I love my future self.

The clean one. Sorry, dude.

Look, I'm the one who gave up. It's my bad.

I... I didn't do anything cool, I swear.

You must've done something cool in the bathroom.

I assure you,

what I did in the bathroom was not cool.

Steve, come downstairs

so we can keep making out and breaking things.

[Gasps]

Lolo, bunny, give us a second.

How could you do this to us?!

I couldn't help myself! It's Lolo Fuentes!

Look, all we have to do is go back in time

and undo what I just did.

How are you gonna do that?

With your time machine.

Whoa, oh oh! I have a time machine?

It's gone!

Whoa, oh, oh, oh!

I don't have a time machine.

Time for a 1-minute plank.

1 banana, 2 banana,

3 banana...

[Indistinct conversations]

Steve! You ruined my future!

Not necesarily.

Maybe you're a bum by choice, you know?

Get out of the rat race.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not doing a rat race again.

They're fixed. The rats know all the shortcuts.

My rain boots.

Look, Snot, our futures clearly aren't set in stone.

Let's just go downstairs so you can do something cool.

Then your future will be awesome just like mine.

I guess it's worth a shot.

Barry, who's training you these days?

[Music playing, indistinct conversations]

- Steve's back! - Whoo, yeah!

If I'm cool here, you can be cool here, too.

There's Becky standing all alone.

- Go bring her a drink. - Okay.

Hey, Becky.

In this sea of losers, you're the real standout.

We may be unincluded,

but I'm including you

in my masturbation fantasies later.

Soda?!

- [All gasp] - My shirt is ruined!

This is the first party I've ever been to,

and it's ruined!

Wah! [Grunting loudly]

[Crying and grunting]

- Whoa. - Maybe there's a reason

some of these people don't get invited to stuff.

I blew it. I'm never talking to a girl again.

No way. That took guts.

Let's go upstairs and meet the new and improved future you.

Hey, Steve.

[Both moaning]

Snot, I gotta tell you,

she's a hell of a lot better at this than you are.

Hey! Future me is even bigger.

And he got a sweet new deep V-neck hoodie.

'Sup?

Where's future me?

Someone peed in there.

How did I become a convict?

Long time ago, I spilled a drink on this girl, Becky,

and she screamed at me.

I vowed never to speak to a woman again.

And I never did...

Not even the ones I ate.

Steve!

Don't even worry about it.

Sounds like all you have to do is talk to a girl

in the near 20 years and this guy? Poof, he's gone.

- You're right. Let's do it now. - [Girls giggling]

Do I hear girls downstairs?

And if so, does your basement have, like,

one of those drains in the floor?

[Indistinct conversations]

There's some girls. Talk to 'em.

Hi.

We're smokers.

If you wanna talk to us, you gotta smoke.

[Inhales]

[Coughing loudly]

Okay, you talked to a girl.

Oh, my god! I had a tracheotomy!

[Hoarse voice] Actually,

my master said I needed a new sex hole.

This is hopeless!

No matter what we do, future me is doomed.

Wait a minute.

We've been trying to make you look cool,

when everybody here is a nerd.

We need to play to our audience.

Have you been practicing your magic?

Magic doesn't exist.

But illusions are real!

If you'd given me a heads up,

I'd be holding flowers right now.

My card's not in the deck.

Oh, man, are you sure?

I know the card I picked.

Would you mind cutting open that orange?

[Cheering]

That's an amazing trick. Let's go.

Did that work?

[Shrieking]

[Both scream]

[Continues shrieking]

Lady, you are about to deeply regret

not telling me you liked my order. Sounds trivial when I say it out loud

But I know in my heart, it's not.

Need a job now.

This is an outstanding r?sum?.

You start Monday.

No, I'm-a start right now.

- [Groaning] - [Thud]

Why didn't I open with that? I knew I was gonna do it.

Good evening, may I...

- Take your order? - [Crashing]

I'll have the ricotta and egg raviolo

and the filet of sole.

That is a great order.

A great order. And you?

Tough order to follow. Bed shitting potential is high.

I'll have the same.

[Indistinct conversations]

What is happening?!

How did I get this way?

[Shrieking]

I can't even explain it to us!

Snot, relax.

No matter what happens to you in the future,

at least we'll always be friends.

Yeah, right. Friends with a half turtle

when there's full turtles to be friends with?

Steve, we haven't been friends in any of these futures.

You're right.

That's it!

It's our friendship that makes us so successful.

What we've got to do is guarantee that we'll be friends

- no matter what the future holds. - How?

We gotta be outcasts again, both of us.

Unincluded from even the unincludeds.

Sorry, ripped future me.

Even though you're super awesome,

I gotta do this for my best friend.

I guess I'm saying goodbye to these.

No matter what your future,

you can still commit yourself to regular exercise...

I said goodbye.

I'm scared.

Don't be scared of them.

Be scared of them.

Let's do this.

Wham: Jitterbug

Jitterbug

- [all gasp] - Jitterbug

guys, you've been having a good night.

Not sure this is a smart move for you, bros.

You put the boom boom into my heart

You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts

It's working! Let's take it home.

- Jitterbug into my brain

- yeah, yeah

goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same

But something's bugging me, something ain't right

My best friend told me what you did last night

This is horrible.

Hold on. This has potential.

But I should've been with you instead

Wake me up before you go-go

Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo

Wake me up before you go-go

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, it's awesome!

Sorry I doubted you, bros!

Oh, no.

...on going solo

Hey, who wants to Eiffel Tower this turtle with me?

What do we do?

We gotta take it to the next level.

Look here.

Both: 1... 2... 3...

Hey

where'd you get that body from

Where'd you get that body from

I got it from my daddy

I got it from my daddy

I got, got it

hey, where'd you get that body from

I got it from my daddy

I got it from my daddy

- I got, got it

- hey, where'd you get that body from

I got it from my da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da

da-da-da-da-da daddy

I got it from my da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da this is weird.

I'm going home to spend the rest of high school

with my father.

[Instinct grumbling]

...started out really good, but it sucks now.

Saying, it's gonna be all right

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play

Start the car!

- Drive, drive! - [Tires screech]

- Roger, what happened in there? - We did it!

Same as him? Same as him, my ass!

That's a bitch move!

You knew exactly the game we were playing!

[Sobbing]

[Electricity hums, glass shatters]

Thank god we're back.

And everything's the same.

[Electricity hums]

Did one of you guys just break a beaker?

Why? Does it change the future?

No, but be careful!

[Electricity hums]

Stop yelling at the kids!

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