All language subtitles for A.P Bio s01e03.eng

.

[school bell rings]
- All right, everybody,

start to shut up.
Let's go ahead

and wrap up
your current sentences

and get yourselves
to a quiet place.

- Mr. Griffin,
Dan is in my seat.

- Okay, I didn't even
know it was his.

You added me
to this weird class,

and now I don't
know what's going on.

- Calm down, calm down.

Let's don't be
so rule-minded.

No point
in your adult lives

will you ever have
assigned seats.

Besides airplanes.
- And jury duty.

- If I've already undercut
myself, don't add to it.

'Kay? As you all know,
this week we are

devoting our attention to
the psychological dismantling

of my academic rival,
Miles Leonard.

Miles happens to be British.

He also happens to be...
adopted.

So this week we will
practice and perfect

British accents.
And whosever is best

will call him, posing
as his biological birth mother

who he's never met,
and tell him some sort of

devastating secret.

[percussive music]

Any questions?
- Mr. Griffin,

are you seriously never
gonna teach us biology at all?

- Sure, Sarika.
Maybe, uh,

Pablo Picasso can come in
and teach driver's ed.

Guys, I am a published
Harvard philosophy professor.

I've no interest whatsoever

in teaching biology to you
people, okay?

So drop it. It's a pretty sweet
deal on the table--

play ball, get an A.
Come on, let's make this easy.

I'm just trying to cope
through a year in Toledo

with its miserable
excuse for espresso.

[mug pieces clattering]

Put your hand down.

Next words I hear outta you
better be in a British accent.

- [British accent]
The bookstore at the mall

has good espresso...
m'lord.

- Hey, not bad!
Looks like Anthony's out

to an early lead.
Nice.

Let's open it up.
And remember...British.

Female.

Hurtful. Go.

[overlapping chatter
with accents]

- The mocha latte...

- I abandoned you in the loo.
- Okay, what is this class?

- * Next time
I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time
well I'll be smart *

*

[dramatic classical music
playing]

*

[leather squeaking]

- [sighs]
Ahh...

This is my sanctuary.

*

[soft dramatic sting]

- Wha--

[dramatic sting]

[double sting]

[upbeat edgy music]

It's fine.

Ah, it's fine.

[dramatic music]

Nope.

*

I was kicked
outta the bookstore.

Tried to explain to the manager
that their staff "pick"

was feel-good soft-core
nonsense.

Yeah, I happened to gesture
with my coffee hand,

you know, splashed a couple
measly drops on the guy.

He starts throwing
the word scalded around--

"You've scalded me!"
Next thing I know,

this large-calfed tyrant
has his troop of baboons

forcibly eject me.

So...new plan.

British accents weren't exactly
taking off anyway.

We will now focus on taking
down the Miles display.

You will infiltrate the store
by getting jobs there

and changing the staff pick,
thereby giving me

some semblance of sanctuary

in this chili dump
of a town.

- Did Miles do something
to you?

Did he get you fired
from Harvard?

- No, Miles just has
this, um...

You know, he--he's like--
You know those people that--

He wears scarves.
Indoors, you know what I mean?

When he smiles it's like,
"Ehh..." You know?

You just wanna--
It's just ehh--

You know, he's like
one of those people.

Look, do I need to go on,
or are you guys getting this?

- Couldn't you just
find a sanctuary

in a different part
of the store?

That seems easier
than lashing out.

- Does everyone hear him
the way I do?

The grating tone?
That's gonna be fatal

in a job interview, bud.

- Mr. Griffin,
we can't get jobs.

- Yes, you can!
Look, it's easy.

Couple of you get in,
you flip the pic,

and then quit,
for all I care.

I mean, look,
it's a minimum wage job.

These things are designed
to be revolving door.

So...who here has ever been
on a job interview?

- Once my grandma asked me

to help her dig onions
in the yard.

- Okay. We're gonna need
some practice.

[phone rings]

[ringing]

[ringing]

[ri--]

Hello?
- Hey, sorry to interrupt you.

It's, uh, Principal Durbin
from work.

I was hoping to see you

in my office
when you have a moment?

- How's now?
- How's--[laughs]

Well, you're teaching
a class.

You can't literally
mean now.

- I'm on my way.

- Well, you--

- Heather, I want you to
take over for me, okay?

I want you to mock interview
all these people.

You guys are gonna do great.
Just need a little work.

It's gonna work.

- That's your signature scent.
She can't--

Ah--pffft! She can't
take that away from you.

Now, scoot.

Sorry, the kids come first.

You're Jack, right?
- Yes.

- H.H. DeMarcus.
I go by Helen.

How was Harvard?

- How was all of Harvard?

Uh...

let's go with good.

If Durbin's available now,
I'd love to just--

- The annual bake sale
is coming up,

and all teachers have to
bring a baked good.

I do cream puffs,
and people love 'em a lot.

But the most important part

is that we're raisin' money
for the school.

And I'm gonna write down
"Raisin' Money"

as a good cookie name.

I write them down
when they come to me.

Now, you're getting off easy
because you're new,

so I'm just gonna give you
chocolate chip.

- I should have stopped you
so much earlier.

Why would I ever do that?

- To show us how much
Ram pride ya got!

- Oh, I see.
No, we're on the same page.

Put me down
as a definite no.

- You haven't gotten bitten
by the Ram yet.

- Guess not.
- Pam the Ram's comin' at ya.

Get ready!
- Oh, the ram's name is Pam?

All rams are male.

- Pam's a trans ram.

[light music]

- [whispers] Yeah.

Okay.

- Jack comin' in!

[bluesy music]

- [sighs] Time to
pay the piper, Jack.

- Wha--I love
whatever this is.

Is it something
from a movie?

- It's a Mercedes ad.
Print.

[engine revs]
"Never compromise."

- Ah! Well, you are
nailin' it.

So I'm all ears.

- You gotta replace the school
sign that you wrecked, homeboy.

Right? It was granite,
very intricate,

very expensive work
on the ram.

Jack, this is on you,
and I never...

[click]
compromise.

- It's funny--I've been meaning
to bring this up myself.

See, my lawyers were asking
if the sign was far enough back

from the road,
legally speaking.

And my neck has--[laughs]
really been hurting.

You see, the thing is...

I also never compromise.

- And as...a man who does
not compromise,

I have to respect that.

And, um, I'm sure I can

trim some fat
from the budget

and maybe find some folks
who, unlike us,

are willing to compromise.
- Ah.

Ahh! Look alive,
Whitlock!

Durbin's on the warpath!

[door opens]
All right, class,

I'm back, so start to shut...

up.

Hmm.

Heather, you, uh,
finish those job interviews?

Yeah?
Who'd ya hire?

Somebody had a lotta great
references maybe, huh?

Maybe the boss'
nephew.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

[laughing]
These damn textbooks!

You should all take a page
from how cool Dan Decker is.

You're not gonna see him

thumbing through
a biology textbook.

- Nobody gave me one yet.

- Nobody even gave him one.
How cool is that?

You know what?

Line up with your books
over here. Come on.

Line up with your books,
let's go.

Now, you see all these
open windows?

Aaaaanybody wanna guess
what happens next?

- Mr. Griffin,
we can't throw out our books.

What about the AP test?

- Oh, can we not
throw out the books?

[book thuds]
Let's go.

Toss 'em, guys, toss 'em.

[thudding, bushes rustling]

Sarika Sarkar,
you gonna be okay?

- Not without my book, no.

- Whaaaaah!
[thud]

- How'd you know?
- I didn't.

I didn't--Hand to God,
I did not know.

Oh, man, I coulda really...
[laughing]

I coulda really hurt you.

Whoo! Oh, man.

All right, I was gonna
start in on the interview prep,

but I don't think
I can do it, man.

But I could get arrested
for something like that, dude.

[laughing]

- Coach. Coach Novak,
I need to, uh,

talk to you
about the budget.

I need to you, uh...

I need you to cut down
on field chalk.

Can't be, you know,
touching that up every day.

[ahem] I'm not gonna
compromise.

- I get it.
We're on the same team.

- Bu--R-really?!

- But while we're talkin'
budget,

I need a new P.E. parachute.

The old one got snagged
on a kid's belt buckle.

He got whipped
across the room,

and his buckle gutted
that chute like a trout.

[engine revs]
- "Never compromise."

First off, I need to know

when students
get whipped across the gym.

And secondly,
I'm in cutting mode, so--

- Oh, I see. You headed
straight to P.E., huh?

Bottom of the totem pole.

- Dick, I understand
how crucial P.E. is.

- You know what I do here?
I tire out the boys!

You realize what a bunch
of hopped-up boys

who had full energy
would do to this school?

- I'll get you
the parachute.

Find a way to fix it.

[light music]

- If I didn't tire out
the boys,

this school would be
rubble by lunch!

- Remember, people, this is
for the bookstore interview.

Posture.
Eye contact.

And if I get the sense
you're not really trying,

you get an F.

- I like big books,
and I cannot lie.

- I have a 4.125 GPA.

- Never talk about grades.
No one cares.

They have no impact
on life.

Next!

And greatest weakness?

- My neck.
- Very literal.

- I couldn't even hold my head
up until I was five years old.

- The only job I've ever had

was babysitting
my little brother.

- Look, you guys are trying
to make a good impression here,

so you're gonna have to
straight-up lie.

If you don't, someone else
will, so it's fine.

It's called
holistic consequentialism:

the consequences are the same
either way, so...

lying.
Go!

- My dad is author
Stephen King.

- I have
a normal-strength neck.

If I hear something
behind me,

I turn and look without effort.

- Well, I hope you're all
inheriting money,

because you're completely
unhirable.

I have no choice but to
take a run at this myself,

.

- Now we don't have books?

We might lose
a whole academic year.

- We have to do something.
- But what?

He has all the power.

- We should all show up
at his house,

ambush him,
and refuse to leave

until he gives us
our books back.

Who's in?
- I'm in.

I wanna see
a professor's house.

I bet it's like the library
from "Beauty and the Beast."

- We should ask
Dan Decker.

He's scary,
but Mr. Griffin likes him.

[light music]

*

- Where is that son of a...

[dishes clattering]

- Jack, you are squeezing
that pen so hard.

What are you working on?

- Revenge.
- Oh ho ho ho.

- [gruffly] "Revenge"!
- Somebody call Shonda!

[hoarsely] Revenge!
- Little too dramatic.

- "Shonda"...

- There he is!

- Oh, God, not now, Helen,
please.

I-I'm working on a writing
project of great importance.

- Exactly. You're a big
brainiac with these

big thoughts, and there's no
room in your head for cookies.

That's why I made it
even easier for ya.

- You know,

I'm not some absentminded
nutty professor

who's baffled by baking.
I simply don't wanna do it.

- "Nutty Professor" is the
perfect name for your cookies!

[cackles]
- That maniac doesn't care

about first impressions at all.

- Okay. What?
Iron out your panties, Jack.

- Listen...
- Yes, Batman?

- I do not bake cookies...

and I will never waver
on that.

- Look at his nostrils.
- Girl, they are flaring.

- Has anyone seen my mug?
- Which one.

- My Michelle mug.

It's got my name on it,
Michelle?

[rapid piano notes
over phone]

- Thank you for calling
Bartholemew's Bookstore.

We appreciate your call.

[classical piano melody
continues]

*

Miles: What is time?
Why are we here?

I'm Miles Leonard...
- No.

Representative!
- Philosopher

and MacArthur Genius.
- Representative!

- "The Question IS
the Answer."

- [groaning]
- What is time?

Why are we here?
- [laughing]

- I'm Miles Leonard,
philosopher

and MacArthur Genius.
- [screaming] Representative!

- "The Question IS
the Answer."

What is time?
Why are we here?

I'm Miles Leonard,
Philosopher--

- Oh, shut up!
- My book, "The Question

IS the answer."

[lightly edgy music]

- [screaming]
Representative!

- Let's go around back.

- Hello? Bartholemew's.
Kyle speaking.

- Hold on, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming!

- Hello?

- What do you mean,
you don't get involved

in regional staff pics?
What if Cliff

and his underlings
picked "Mein Kampf"?

You've never heard--Well,
it's Adolf Hitler's manifesto.

You might wanna look it up.

"Mein" is spelled like
chow mein,

"Kampf" is spelled like camp.
but with a K,

and stick an F at the end.

No, no, no, no, no,
do-do-don't--

- What is time?
Why are we here?

I'm Miles Leonard.
- [grunts]

- We should leave.
This feels like an intrusion.

- Are you kidding?
We can use this.

- Ah!
- New plan. If this guy's

gonna teach us,
we need to help him.

- We can't take advantage
of whatever...

this is.

[lightly edgy music]

- Where are you going?

Stick with the plan.
He's vulnerable!

You guys are wimps!
I should have brought girls.

.

[school bell rings]

- Okay, here he comes.

Everybody remember,
be gentle.

This is a man on the edge.

- All right, everybody,
pipe down.

This plan's
on life-support.

Is this a Mormon school?

- No, silly!

We're doing more interview
prep today, right, Sarika?

- Yeah. I'm psyched about it.

- [laughs]
- We made official resumes.

- I watched "Working Girl"
last night.

- Guys, this is a massive
improvement in attitude.

Ha.
- This is much more interesting

than biology.

Thank you.
I-I hate knowledge.

- Don't imply
that I hate knowledge,

but, uh, yeah, why don't we
jump into some interview prep?

Right off the bat, I am seeing
way too many bolo ties.

[school bell rings]
[overlapping chatter]

- Durbin Outfitters!

- Durbin Outfitters!
- Hel-lo!

- We heard you're
giving out money...

- No! Who told you that?
Is that what people are saying?

- My kids need a monitor
for presentations.

- Mine need a microphone
also for presentations.

- And my kids
need this technology

where song lyrics pop up
at the bottom of the screen

and there's like a waterfall
and a woman riding a horse.

- A-a karaoke machine?

I can't buy you
a karaoke machine!

I'm looking for cuts!

- Come on, Durbs.
The staff karaoke machine

has been broken for
the last three semesters.

I know there's a song
in you.

- I do a pretty good...

"Thriller," along with
the Vincent Price part.

[overlapping reactions]
- Yes!

- I knew it!
[all oohing]

[overlapping chatter]
- Gotta do it--I love it!

- All right.

[chatter fading]

[clears throat]

Oh, crud, I just bought
a karaoke machine.

[engine revs]

[school bell rings]

- Oh, geez.
There's my sad little guy!

Oh...

Whooooh!
- Oh, my God, what is this?

What are you doing?
- Oh, I'm tapped into

your kids, Jack.
They told me what happened--

how you microwaved that
fast food taco with lettuce.

- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

The kids were at my house?
- Yeah.

They saw you drinking
and practicing punching,

and they were worried
you were having

some kinda breakdown, so they
wanted to do something for you.

- That's the reason
they went along

with everything I said
today--out of pity?

- No. Ram pride!

When one of our own
has their horns

stuck in that fence,
we're there

to pull 'em by the caboose,
and that is why

you are off cookie duty.

Because you're just under
too much strain.

- I'm under no strain
at all--my life is great, okay?

And there is absolutely
nothing difficult

about baking cookies.

- Sorry, pal,
because it's a no.

They would be blood cookies,

paid for with your sanity.

- You're a ridiculous person.
I'm gonna go.

- [softly] Okay.

I was pitied
by a pack of dweebs?

[lightly edgy music]

*

Dan Decker. Are you part of
that dork recon team

that's peeping in my windows?

- No.

No one really loops me in
on anything.

- You, uh...
[clears throat]

always come out here
and eat lunch by yourself?

Thought you'd be like
on a team

or part of a bully crew
or something.

Come on, man.
What's the deal?

- I moved here from Florida
like a year ago,

and I'm kinda not that great
at making friends.

Can't even talk to
the A.P. Bio kids.

- Is that Heather from class
and the body of Wonder Woman?

- No, no.

It--

- You just gotta give them
something they want.

You probably just have to
say the word "Dumbledore,"

and they'd all high-five
each other and go nuts.

But that's not really the path
I like for you anyway, man.

I see you more as like
a lone wolf.

I mean, sure, people try to
rope you into their bake sales,

but...take it
from this guy.

The life of a lone wolf
can be pretty sweet.

- Dude, I don't wanna
be like you.

Your life's a mess.

- My life's a mess?

.

[contemplative notes]

*

[upbeat percussive music]

*

- Hey, where do you think
you're going with that?

Hey--hey!

- * No good,
do no good *

* And, well, it's true

* 'Cause they never do
what you want 'em to *

* 'Cause people,
they're no good *

* Oh, no, they're no good
at meetings *

* When they come out to play

* And they're no good
for bookings *

* 'Cause we can't make 'em
stay, hey *

[vociferating]

*

- This is a croquembouche.

much like your cream puffs,
but more impressive.

It is you who will have
the mental breakdown, Helen.

This is a one-time exception.
Write down everything I say

right now. First,
never dress like this again.

Second, I took down
the Miles cutout myself.

I've been banned from
the bookstore for life,

but...that's okay.

The only true sanctuary
I'll have in this town

is between these two ears
right here.

Third, and finally,
never pity me.

Did any of you go to Harvard?

Have any of you slept with
24 women?

What you saw when you
trespassed on my property

was a man who eats
what he wants,

drinks what he wants,

wears...what he wants.

It is a lifestyle most high
school kids would kill for.

It's sad to me
that you can't see that.

The only embarrassing
part of my day

is the 55 minutes
I have to spend here.

[light quirky music]

*

One more thing, though.

Does anyone have anything
to say about

Dumbledore?

- Well, actually...
- Dumbledore was clearly...

[overlapping comments]

- Pipe down! Stop!

Stop. Pipe down, pipe down.

One at a time.
Let's start with...Dan.

You have the floor.

[click]

[lightly edgy music]

- If you're so embarrassed
to teach this class,

Miles is probably
the last person

you want getting that
picture.

He won't, if you give
the bio textbooks back.

Like you said:
Give them what they want.

*

- Ha.

One chapter.
Of my choosing.

From the middle of the book.

- All right, Dan!
- Way to go, Dan!

- Yeah, Dan!
- All right, Dan.

- [crunch]

- You're rooted.
You're rooted, okay?

No compromise.
[clears throat]

Hey, Jack,
I am done compromising.

Now, we have blown
way past the sign on this one.

Your class's lab equipment
is due to be upgraded,

but you're just gonna
have to do without.

- Sounds good.
- Sounds g--Really?

You can do that, and you're not
gonna shortchange the students?

- Won't affect the lesson
plan at all.

*

- [laughs]

[muttering]

[ahem]
Never compromise.

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