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(chattering)

(clucking)

(man) Oh, you cut me.

Listen, you have to wait for me.

(man) Like a baby's bum.

(man) Have a seat, here.

(man) Sit up, sit up!

(man) Oh, you cut me!

(man) Sorry about that, okay, we'll fix that up.

(clamoring)

(buzzing)

(Archie Goodwin) When an early morning controversy

propelled Fritz from the brownstone

to the fishmonger's

and left me to fend for myself,

i procured an egg-and-anchovy sandwich

from the drugstore.

It's very, very nice to meet your acquaintance.

Not yet.

Yes.

(knocking)

You'll have to wait.

(knocking continues)

Mr. Goodwin, we are here.

Yeah, wonderful, do you have a reservation?

You told me once people in danger

only have to mention your name.

Yeah, well, sometimes i talk too much...

and mr. Wolfe, he is a great man,

two great men.

No, no, he's the great man, i'm just a caddy,

and i...

oh, oh, yes, barbershop carl.

The name's carl... yeah, and Tina, right?

Yes, i didn't recognize you with a hat on.

We love this country.

We love this country!

Wait 'til you see chilicothe, ohio!

Is that west? We want to go west,

but you see, we don't know where to go,

thisoy-hoymaybe?

We need your help, i have $50 here.

Please, we must escape this danger!

We must escape it!

(speaking foreign language)

We do love this country.

Sure.

Oh, no, it's fine, really, no problem.

If you insist...

yes... um, now, tell me about this danger.

I met Tina three years ago

amp in russia.

I would tell you why,

but believe me en i tell you,

they would?? Ever have let us get out alive.

Ahhh, but you are alive.

They think we're dead!

Vardas was not our name.

We took that name back in istanbul.

No places and no people!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, you are most right!

So, at a certain time, in a certain way,

we cross the ocean.

We try very hard to come to this country

according to your rules,

but it was in no way possible.

Since we are here,

i could say that we would be healthy and happy

beyond our dreams, except for the danger.

We do not know what minute

someone will come and ask us how we got here.

This minute that went by, it was all right.

No one asked, but there's the next minute,

and the next minute and the next minute...

and, now, the danger has come,

this morning, a man came to the barbershop

and he asked us questions,

an official, a policeman detective.

He asked about carl and i,

i told him we were d.p. S from italy,

but, tomorrow, he will return

and he will ask to see our papers.

We can't go back there.

We have to leave new york, today, now!

Tell him what he asked.

He asked about last night, about where i was

and what i was doing, from the time the shop closes,

half past six, from then on.

And he went and talked to everyone in the shop,

he asked the same thing!

We left, we went home and we packed,

but then we decide we don't know where to go,

so we decide the best thing would be to come to you.

And mr. Wolfe...

carl likes you the best of all the customers.

And you only tip him a dime, so it's not that.

I have noticed you myself,

the way you look, like a man who would break rules.

Damn it! Beat it!

Don't you get it?!

You left, lone tags you!

What were you doing last night?

Breaking more rules?!

No, we went straight home, as usual!

(carl) We were asleep by 10:30.

Ah, you're here, where were you?

You were gone today, what happened, huh?

Oh, you have that look on your face.

Were you being naughty?

Tell me, tell me, well...

what'd you get? What'd you get, huh?

What's the surprise?

Time magazine for you.

Oh, time magazine, yes, yes!

Life magazine for me.

Oh, life magazine, very good, very good.

No now...

what? What?

Oh... oh!

An american toaster.

Ah, was it expensive?

No, no, no...

look, ah, ha-ha-ha! Look, look!

Look. What's this?

Peanut butter, taste it.

Oh, i love this country.

Oh, it's good, isn't it?

Well, if you're clean for last night,

why didn't you just stay put this morning?!

You are an american,

when a policeman asks you a question,

two people alone cannot answer a policeman's questions.

They need a country,

Tina and i, we have no country.

Archie, what the devil is going on?

And his a, you've seen her too.

Now, they were just...

he's a little grumpy.

All right, you bought yourself a detective,

now, you need to just stay put.

I'm gonna talk to Wolfe,

i'm gonna go to the barbershop.

I'm gonna try to straighten this whole thing out.

Now, important, if you hear a buzzer,

bring mr. Wolfe a bottle of beer,

but do not open it... no, you save that for a lawyer.

Thank you, thank you.

The beer is in the fridge, right over there.

Buzzer, bring beer, not to be opened.

Thank you.

Buzzer, beer, don't open.

Buzzer, beer, don't open.

Buzzer, beer, don't open.

(speaking foreign language)

Ahhhh!

I'm going out. Where?

That pair of foreigners got themselves in quite a mess.

What do you intend to do?

Just a little detective work, not in your class.

You can dock my pay.

Oh, by the way,

Fritz is still out wrestling with the fish, there,

so if you ring for beer, that woman will bring it.

Did you tell her...

that she puts ice in it, yes, of course.

Phooey!

(Archie) My campaign against danger was to simple and easy,

i would begin at thegoldenrod barbershop,

i would get in ed's chair, ask for a shave,

and find out just how dangerous

the danger was.

I'm a customer here! Come on, what's...

but it was neither simple nor easy.

(man what are you looking at?

Purley, tell them to let me in, will ya?

Yeah.

This gonna turn into another Nero Wolfe babies?

Not unless you turn it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a customer here,

i'm just here for my shave and trim.

Yeah, your man graboff's busy, ha!

Are you gonna be long, there, ed?

Just a minute, mr. Goodwin.

All right, i'll just, uh,

pass the time talking to you, there, purley.

I don't feel like talkin'.

Does the corpse have a name?

I don't feel like talking.

All right, well, i can talk to other people,

i can, maybe, do some inh personnel.

Maybe, help you solve the case.

As long as you're here, you know a guy who works here,

takes the coats and hats,

and has the name of carl vardas?

His wife's Tina, she's the manicurist.

Yeah, i know him well enough to give him a dime.

You know, he takes my hat and coat.

Tina, i don't know 'cause i do my own nails.

Why are you asking?

You know, there's no law against you coming in here

for a shave, Goodwin,

but just the sight of you around a murder

gives me an itch.

For the record, did you see this guy, vardas,

or Tina this morning?

Yes, yes, they are in my kitchen right now.

That's why i came down here, so maybe if you hurry...

can the gag, they killed a cop!

Well, one of them did,

right there, behind that manicure booth,

this morning.

Stuck a long pair of scissors in his back and got his pump.

The guy was a dick from the 20th precinct,

jake wallen.

By the time he was found, they had gone.

Any prints on the scissors?

We don't need prints,

didn't i just say they lammed?

So, what, you came here to... take somebody in or what?

Yeah, i can't prove it, yet.

Do you know what, uh,

do you know what he was following?

(buzzing)

You know, why don't i just save myself the time, huh?

I'll tell you what,

you know what i would do if i were you?

You're not me!

I'm not gonna get rid of you, otherwise.

Okay, listen.

Last night, around midnight, two pedestrians hit by a car

at 81st and broadway,

both killed, the car keeps going.

The car's discovered later at 96th and broadway, it's hot.

Wallen phones the owner of the stolen vehicle,

asks him if he has any connection with this place,

thegoldenrod barbershop,

if he knows anybody who does.

The guy says he never heard of the place,

but you know something?

Wallen was brough here.

It had to be something he found in the car.

(ed) Mr. Goodwin, anytime.

All right, just a minute there, ed.

Did he show or mention it to anybody at the precinct?

Nah, damn fool kept it to himself,

got himself killed.

He brought that paper in, right there.

Last night's edition of thegazette, that's it.

You say yes. You're ready?

Mr. Wolfe oughta be here, huh, Archie?

That's mighty tactless of you, there, jimmy.

Oh, that's all we'd need, Nero Wolfe!

Anyone could solve this case.

Well, yeah, but he's a genius.

(chatter)

Keep it moving, come on, get out of here.

Let's go.

I leaned back and let my mind go.

Who were the other suspects, here,

besides carl and the pretty Tina?

I knew that Philip had had two sons

killed in world war ii,

and had never really recovered.

And had never bodily in the barbershopkler had been attacked

by his ex-wife,

and only partially recovered.

He kept accusing Wolfe's barber, jimmy,

of stealing supplies,

everything from combs and hair tonic

to the magazines left out for the customers.

Ed, my barber, was always in debt

to keeping our race tracks open. His devotion

and, then, there was janet, the other manicurist.

We got a woman in the back, and forensics got 'em, yeah,

and look who's here.

You're a detective.

Aren't you?

Cheese and rice.

Well, if it isn't inspector cramer of homicide.

What's the angle, Goodwin?

No angle, i'm just here to get my shave and trim.

Yeah?

How many times you lied to me?

A million?

Ask purley. Two million.

Come on, guys, i just wanna get a shave.

Come on, leave me alone.

Yeah, okay, hey, ed?

Ed, give him a shave, and dull the razor.

I was surprised to see cramer on the scene,

but, then, it was no mere citizen

who'd met his death here.

Proving even an inspector

likes to be well though of by the rank and file.

How could i keep from having my name in the paper?

Oh, i wish i was dead!

Can i trust you?

Sure.

You know, i'm no great detective like you,

but carl did it all right, what'd they run for?

I wanted to tell ed that that might be a little risky,

pointing a finger at carl.

Unless he could prove it, it didn't seem wise.

And Fickler put wallen in Tina's booth.

After he talked to Tina, he called for Philip,

jimmy, me... and last, janet.

You bastard!

The coppers asked me how long it was

was it 10 minutes?

15 minutes before Fickler came running out

yelling his bloody head off.

E thing is, i can't remember exactly.

And they can't make me,

but it doesn't matter 'cause carl did it.

You know he had fits, right?

But, see, they gotta have evidence,

the way the system works, they need evidence.

But i don't, carl did it.

How's that towel, okay?

Yeah, yeah, no, it's great.

The inspector don't like you being here, Goodwin,

neither do i.

That makes three of us,

you know, you're lucky it's not Wolfe's day

to get his hair cut.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You, make this a short one, you hear me?

You, make this a short one, you hear me?

Will you be back later?

Oh, yeah, just give me a minute, huh?

Yeah, yeah... just be a sec.

My folks in michigan think i'm acting or modeling!

And here... oh, my god!

Yeah, well, keep going, tell me everything.

Well, when i went back to Tina's booth,

no doubt at all what that cop wanted. Well, when i went back

oh, oh, oh! Help, help, help!

Let me go! Oh, let me go!

You bastard! You bastard!

You bastard! You bastard!

Ah... ah... aaaaaahhhh!

And if i really want a successful career,

the way i say i do...

marks on my throat?

Hmm, well, that would get you top billing anywhere.

There was no mark whatsoever on her smooth, pretty throat.

I can't, it'd be so darn vulgar.

It's bound to come out in the end.

I simply can't.

Well, you know, i may even get the district attorney

to make it manslaughter.

A girl has to get her career established

before she gets married,

that's why, when i see an attractive man,

i never wonder if he's married.

Ah, good policy, sure.

I wouldn't ask you if you knew anyone in showbusiness

because i'd never accept help from a man.

A girl has to forge her own way.

She has to move forward with her own passions

and her own feelings...

okay, yeah...

...and the way to live her life,

i know that i will do everything...

(chatter)

(music and chatter)

(man laughing)

(chuckling)

And from that day on, carl and i have never taken

a piece of bread for granted.

This is true, we have never taken

a piece of bread for granted.

I'm told that your Stalin,

when he was ill, several months ago,

summoned two likely successors to his side.

He also summoned two birds.

The first candidate,

terrified that the bird would fly free,

squeezcreature so tightly that he killed it.

The second,

seeing the displeasure cloud over Stalin's face,

was so frightened

that he hardly held the bird at all

and, of course, it escaped.

Obviously, the vardases had come clean with Wolfe.

Wolfe must've felt the distant rumblings

of human sympathy for these two,

his daughter and his oldest friend, Marko,

has been murdered by Stalin's puppets in Yugoslavia.

"Bring me a bird," thundered Stalin!

He held this bird by the legs,

and slowly, one by one,

plucked each feather off this poor creature...

from his tiny, little body.

Stalin then opened his palm and there lay this bird,

shivering. Stalin then opened his palm and there lay this bird, naked...

and he looked up and smiled gently and said,

"you see, this little bird is thankful

for the human warmth of my palm."

Mmmm... mmmm...

oh...

i know you have a distaste for business during meals,

but 18,000 cops would give a month's pay

ah, indeed.

Yes, i just ran into Cramer and Stebbins

at the barbershop.

Confound it!

Wolfe knew that Cramer and Stebbins meant homicide,

and he had a strong prejudice

against entertaining murderers at his table.

That lunch was one of his finest performances.

Are you enjoying this wine?

It's a 1938riesling, given to me by a young man

named Jacques Mangetout, you know him?

No...

no.

(Wolfe) What have you got us into now?

Did you say "us"? Yes.

Yeah, what do you mean?

I didn't invite them to lunch!

I merely let them in, which is one of my functions.

Sit down! Sit down, mr. Vardas!

Sit down, mrs. Vardas!

Archie...

i filled Wolfe in on more recent events.

The dead girls, the hit-and-run,

the stolen car...

but when i came to the meat of the matter,

i maneuvered so i'd have a good view of Tina's face.

Fickler goes back there,

and there he sees officer Wallen,

laying there with a pair of scissors buried in his back.

(gasping)

Carl! You didn't, carl!

Wolfe would rather be in a room with a hungry tiger

than a woman out of hand.

No! No, no.

My wife has a big idea of me, as i do of her,

but i did not kill that man!

Of course, you are going to turn us in

to the police, now.

Sit down.

I have an idea.

You can go away for a few days.

I know a place in the bronx, have you been to the bronx?

It's a safe house.

You can go there for a few days,

no one will bother you.

Okay, here's how you're gonna get there.

You don't take the subway, do you have a car?

No problem.

You'll take mr. Wolfe's car. Archie...

excuse me, but i cannot drive a car.

You can't drive?

I don't drive.

She'll drive.

She don't drive, either.

You don't drive? You drive?

Neither one of you drives? Everybody drives.

No, in america, yes, but we don't drive.

You don't drive?

Never had the chance to learn.

S flummery?! Never had the chance to learn. What is thi

i want to establish whether they drive.

No, no. Never.

(sighing)

Well, yeah, no, what it is...

to qualify as a hit-and-run driver,

you must meet certain specifications.

The main one is knowing how to drive!

Let us just go ourselves.

No, phooey!

You would try to skedaddle,

and you would be caught within an hour.

If you're not convicted of murder,

you'll be apprehended for lack of documents!

Wolfe was trapped,

forced to be a champion of humanity

and stand by his fellow travellers.

He'd have to make the ultimate sacrifice

and go to work.

I want to know every word wallen said,

every question he asked, each word!

He asked about the night before...

Tina did pretty well under the circumstances.

I remember he took notes and he...

ad a newspaper.

A newspaper? In his hand?

Then, he got to the newspaper.

Or was it under his arm?

In his hand. In his hand?

I think, yes, i'm sure.

Was it folded?

Of course, newspaper's are folded.

Just remember the newspaper as you saw it in his hand!

Was it folded

as if he had had it in his pocket?

No, it wasn't folded.

Was there anything unusual about it?

It was just a newspaper.

Confound it.

It's impossible, if i so much as stir a finger,

we'll have cramer yelping and i have no muzzle for him.

Yes.

(doorbell ringing)

(knocking) Yeah?

(man) It is the man to fix the chair.

Ah, indeed.

You'd better get into the kitchen, right now.

All right, well, we are now harboring fugitives.

Well, you are.

I told purley stebbins this morning

that they were in the kitchen.

Now, one of the advantages

of having a reputation for gags,

is you that can say virtually anything,

if you know how to play your face.

You have a problem.

Yeah, phooey!

(doorbell ringing)

(cramer) I want to know why you went to that barbershop, Goodwin!

I go there, sometimes.

No, no, don't give me that!

Graboff and flicker both say

you've been coming there for six years,

and you never once showed up just for a trim!

Not once!

Archie, where is that richter file?!

I'm trying, but, by golly...

they both say you just come there to get the works?

A shampoo, scalp massage, a haircut and a shave!

But, today, of all days,

you show up without an appointment,

and just get a trim, so i don't believe that...

neither mr. Goodwin nor i is responsible

for your credulity quotient, mr. Cramer.

So you going there had nothing to do with the murder, huh?!

It if you write it ou t,

i would be happy to sign it.

No, you write it out!

How about we go down to the corner drugstore.

They got a notary there.

No, today, i want it today.

Now, how was mr. Goodwin supposed to have learned

about this murder?!

Well, i don't know, i don't have a diagram.

Maybe, you sent him?

Yes, well, then, maybe,

you should get an affidavit from me!

I give you my word that i did not send Archie

to the barbershop,

that i did not know he was going there,

and i did not know about any murder

before he came home and told me.

Your word!

Yes, my word, of course!

Now, what prompted you to come here?!

A policeman was murdered,

and anytime Goodwin is poking around,

i wanna know why.

I don't believe you.

Well, i can see that money hasn't pulled you

into the case because no one in it has any!

Archie, i think you're responsible for this.

What?

Yes, you're brash, you talk too much.

You said something!

It's always me.

Yes, well, reconstruct it.

What did you say to mr. Cramer?

I said nothing, i said nothing.

Nothing?! That's puzzling.

Practically nothing.

What did you say to mr. Stebbins?

Nothing!

Stebbins, he wanted to know what brought me there and i...

wait a minute, hold on.

Say... maybe, you're right.

Yes, stebbins asked me if i had seen carl or Tina this morning,

and i said, "yes."

And they... he asked if i... and i... i told him i had.

"Because i brought them here," i told him.

What? You see,

your confounded tongue!

Is that helpful?

Well, now, that he's rashly exposed our little secret,

i suppose there's no sense in trying to keep it.

That's what we use the kitchen for.

What?!

To keep the murderers in.

What?

You're armed, aren't you?

Go and get them, Archie, open the door!

Bullheaded as cramer was,

our buildup might have convinced him

to go take a look,

but the thought of how silly he would look coming back

complicated it for him.

Nuts, i gotta get back to work.

Don't bother.

I just lost 10 pounds.

I'm going to the plant rooms.

Admit no more displaced persons to this house.

Two is quite enough.

Well, how is everyone?

(carl) What is going on here?

We want to go, we will pay you the $50.

Well you can't, that was inspector cramer.

Since we told him you were here...

why did you tell him?!

You betrayed us.

Ah, don't worry it,

it's the hitler-stalin technique in reverse.

They told barefaced lies to have them taken for the truth,

we told bareface truths to have them taken for a lie.

And proud of it,

but i'm here to tell you that we're stuck,

and so are you,

and we're all gonna have to wait for Wolfe's genius

to come into effect, here, all right?

No longer simple. To come into effect, here, all right? Things were

proving neither carl nor Tina could drive a car

proved nothing about carl plunging scissors

into jake wallen's back in a fit of rage.

Well, hello, purley... your boss just left...

(purley) Well, look, janet took a whack on the head.

She'll only talk to you.

Sure, sure...

Fritz, listen, i have to hop it, right?

Give them freedom of movement, but keep them inside,

and set two extra places for dinner.

Yes, mr. Goodwin, sir.

Purley.

In the back, won't talk to anybody but Archie Goodwin.

And you wonder my opinion of myself

is what it is?

(chuckling)

Hi, Archie.

Let me just check your pump, here.

Well, your pump is good.

Mind if i inspect your head?

Be very careful.

Yes, good thing you got a good, thick skull.

You know, i started to scream,

but it was too late.

I was sitting in the customer's chair.

Just sitting, trying to think.

And there was a noise behind me,

and i looked up and saw him reflected in the glass,

justtanding there with his arm raised...

wait a minute, you were here, you were like this.

O on.

Yes, i was sitting, trying to think.

Now... before he struck you,

could you see the reflection? Yeah.

Did you recognize who it was?

Yes, it was the one they call "sergeant stebbings".

That's stebbins, purley stebbins.

Yes, sergeantpurely stebbings, purely stebbings,

and that's why i had to tell you and not them.

You see, he came at me with such brute force,

a look of terror in his eyes,

mad passion, he was groping at me,

starting to tear at my clothes,

and he brought up his hand,

and he brought it down on my head,

and, then, i fell to the ground...

but i can't honestly say it was him that hit me.

You can't?

Well, i know that it was him standing behind me

with his arm raised,

and then something hit me in the head.

One can only draw conclusions.

Yes, yes, sounds logical.

People should be very careful what they accuse

other people of.

I agree.

But that's why i need you,

because when the reporters come and say, "who hit you?"

I'd have to say, "i don't know."

And they'd say, "well, why did he hit you?"

And i'd say, "i don't know."

And who would want to read that?

So i'll refer them to you, instead.

Refer who? The reporters.

That's how you'll earn your 10%.

10%?

As my manager, it's a standard fee.

Oh, very good idea, but, you know,

he thing about reporters is,

see, they like to get a jump on the police.

What's that?

Well, for instance, if stebbins crowned you, right?

He must have had an accomplice.

We'll call him "x".

But i don't remember anything like that.

Now, you want the reporters to hate you?

Or you want them to listen to your story?

And take in every word... yeah...

put your picture in the paper and make you famous!

Yeah!

Okay, then, here's what we're gonna do.

Now, what i want you to do

is i want you to close your eyes.

Close them.

That's it, all right, now, i'm gonna take you back.

Who was it that came around the corner?

Was it Philip?

Philip, coming around the corner?

Was it ed, maybe? It was ed.

Maybe, it was Fickler...

it was jimmy!

Oh my god, it was jimmy because he's crazy.

And he's got a red face 'cause he's got high blood pressure

and he drinks too much

and he always wants to take me drinking,

but i say no because i'm not that kind of girl.

(giggling and sighing)

Oh my head. Oh, boy.

Oh, well, i don't have to you ask you if you heard it all.

If you shoot her,

send her brain tojohns hopkins.

Can i go now?

No. No?

No, she might insist on seeing her manager, again.

You know, i ain't sold

she's as unfurnished inside her head

as she lets on.

Three months ago, she shoved a full-grown human male

out of his own car into a ditch.

Well, that's all well and good and everything,

but Fritz made some pork, see, so...

oh, well, yeah, well, we'd all like to go home for dinner.

Nobody leaves! Nobody!

A little privacy, please.

(phone ringing)

What?!

Despite his bad phone manners, i filled him in.

You say no progress has been made?

Some progress,

janet asked me to be her manager.

I'm giving you my notice.

Phooey!

Well, it looks like the whole party is gonna be...

is gonna be moved downtown,

so i will not be able to join you for that delicious pork.

You mean this thing will not be settled before dinner?

Ah, well, i doubt it, i mean... do you mind?

Yeah, yeah!

I hate to say it, but it looks like you

might have to dine

with those murderers in the kitchen, again.

Confound it!

The reading material was still the same.

A two-week-oldtime andthe new yorkeri'd read,

so i passed the time by analyzing the dirt

purley had assembled on thegoldenrodgang.

It seems Fickler had done a turn in '46 for assault.

Jimmy kirk, Wolfe's guy,

had expensive tastes for a barber.

Philip toracco went off the rails when his wife left,

and spent the year in a booby hatch.

And... nothing much to hang a murder on.

So my mind wandered back, naturally, to janet,

which, of course, was even more hopeless.

Right, Fritz! Yeah!

When did he leave?

He's going where? Fritz, i can't hear you!

(chattering)

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir, you can't come in here.

Archie! Where's mr. Cramer?

Well, well! Let him in, tiny.

Jimmy! I have come for a trim.

(cramer) Well, isn't that something, purley?

Nero Wolfe, who never leaves his brownstone,

coincidentally, comes to a barbershop,

which, coincidentally, is the scene of a homicide!

Whic only several hours

after Archie Goodwin, also, coincidentally,

shows up at the same crime scene,

claiming all he wanted was a shave.

(cramer) Yeah, a series of coincidences,

for the books, huh?

Jimmy, my trim, if you please.

Go ahead, give him a trim, jimmy.

Not too... not too short like last time, jimmy.

Not too... not too short like last time, jimmy.

Okay, we believe you,

you're getting your damn hair cut.

Now, tell us why you're really here?

And cut the crap about the murderers in the kitchen.

You wish to harass me or do you wanna catch a murderer?

You know what i want, Wolfe.

Then, let me propose a series of assumptions,

merely on the basis of exploration.

Do you want to hear them?

Just don't drag it out.

The first one being this:

That detective wallen found something in the car,

where is, uh, miss stahl?

(Archie) She's in the back, laying down on her head.

Well, she can sit up, can't she?

How've you been, jimmy?

Just fine.

Psst!

Did you bring the reporter?

Now, listen, girl, you're getting off easy.

Nero Wolfe is here with a suggestion,

and wants your opinion on it.

But what about the reporter?

No, no, no, no buts.

How's that fellow you live with, your roommate?

Petey? Yeah, he's good.

All right, he's waiting.

Now, come one, you want me to carry you?

Certainly not, and by the way, you're fired.

Cut the chit-chat, let's get back to the assumptions, Wolfe.

Would you turn me around, jimmy, please?

(stebbins) Sit down!

There, that's perfect. Thank you.

Now, the first one is that wallen found something

in the car, an object...

it couldn't have been something he was told,

for there was no one to tell him anything.

(cramer) We made that assumption without your help.

Yes, my felicitations.

The second is that wallen brought the object here

wrapped in the newspaper he was carrying.

Not too short, back there, jimmy.

Not too short.

Yes, sir.

Not like last time...

which was an early edition of thenews

on sale last evening, not on sale this morning.

Yeah, we already got that one too.

And it was not merely stuffed in his pocket.

He had it in his hand, unfolded,

the way it is on the newsstand.

You see to know a hell of a lot about that paper.

(Wolfe) I know nothing you don't know,

not to put too fine a point on it, jimmy.

Not like last time!

But not too much off the back, yes, sir.

That's right.

Now, it's difficult to account for his carrying

a stale newspaper in such a manner,

unless it was a container for something else...

an object.

Now, the fourth assumption is that whatever the object was,

the murderer had got hold of it and disposed of it.

Yeah, carl vardas, and he lammed it!

Well, i believe...

i believe i'll have a shave, now, jimmy.

Sure, but you don't need a shave, mr. Wolfe.

I'll have a shave, jimmy.

Sure.

(sighing)

Now, the fifth assumption,

is that the murderer was neither carl nor Tina.

(stebbins) What the hell are you talking about now?

Wait, wait, wait, tell us why.

Well, if we assume...

that carl and Tina are not involved,

then, they did not take the object away with them,

and it is still here, in this shop.

I can assume your surveillance

has been constant and alert.

Could anyone have removed such an object from the shop?

No.

How good a "no", mr. Stebbins?

Good enough for me, mr. Wolfe!

Then, the seventh and last assumption is this:

That no proper search for such an object

has been made on account of your assumption

of carl and Tina's guilt.

What we're after is an object with something on it,

that identifies it as coming from the shop.

Something with the name or address

or phone number, perhaps.

Something flat, perhaps, of considerable dimension...

and easily recognizable.

Now, all of you were questioned by mr. Wallen,

correct?

(man) Yes!

Then only the murderer

saw the object or was told of it.

You too, jimmy!

Stop, and think a moment.

Oh, i can work and think, mr. Wolfe, huh?

(stebbins) This is a turkey.

Say we find what you're looking for,

what's it gonna get us?

(Wolfe) Fingerprints.

Nuts!

If it belongs here, it's gonna have their prints are on it!

Nottheirfingerprints, mr. Stebbins...

detective wallen's fingerprints.

Oh, jeez!

Mr. Fickler, you look like you've been thinking hard?

Yeah, i have been thinking hard.

I don't know.

(Wolfe) Phillip?

(phillip ke i sai d, i don't know what.

Ed?

You go?? Me, pass.

You pass? Miss stahl?

I think he was keeping the newspaper,

so that he could read it.

I know i do that sometimes.

Say, i don't have time in the evening,

well, the next morning...

jimmy?

I can't think of one object like that in the shop,

mr. Wolfe, not a one.

Phooey!

Either you have no brains at all,

or you're all involved in the conspiracy.

Now, i'm looking at such an object, right now:

The magazines!

Yes, you subscribe to them, mr. Fickler?

If they come through the mail,

the name and address is on them, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, they all have the name and address on them.

Aw, shucks, not this one.

(cramer) Hey, hey, drop that! Don't touch that!

Oh, but the name and address isn't on it.

Give me that, get outta here!

(Wolfe) That magazine comes in a brown wrapper,

but the rest of them don't.

For instance, thattime magazine

over there on the ledge,

the addressee is on the cover...

what if he took it from here,

and had it in his pocket when he stole the car?

Then, did not notice that it had fallen

from his pocket to the seat,

where wallen found it.

Oh, i remember! Remember, jimmy?

You came by this morning with that towel...

and that magazine.

And then you tossed it on the shelf.

Remember, i asked you if you'd been steaming it!

(groaning and grunting)

(stebbins) Settle down, buddy!

It's not me!

Hey, get over here! Get over here!

Put the cuffs on him! Come on, get him outta here!

There's your cop killer, boys!

Take him downtown!

Jimmy?

Confound it, it would have beenmybarber.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(joyous laughing)

(Archie) You know damn well what's gonna happen,

danger's gonna come back. Again and again and again...

until one cold night,

there's not enough feathers and no warm place to hide away.

(Wolfe) Oh, shut up!

You know, what the problem is here,

you just won't stick your neck out.

You know, general carpenter owes you.

Why don't you get him working on it?!

Archie...

as a matter of fact, i have his home phone number.

Archie?

Yeah, let's get him working on it.

I mean, what the hell?

A person-to-person is a measly buck.

L... l... l... l...

i got my naturalization papers 24 years ago.

Ah, well this isn't about you.

There you are, comrade.

Yes, operator?

I'd like to make a person-to-person call

to general carpenter.

I have $50 here.

We must escape this danger!

We must escape it!

(speaking foreign language)

Are you going to turn us in?

No, no, they would not.

This is not a bad danger.

I don't wish to contact him!

There's a good danger, a bad danger.

This is good danger.

There is no such thing!

He means not to hide anymore.

Yeah, yeah, listen, you get through this danger,

you'll never have to face the bad danger ever again.

General! It's Nero Wolfe.

Did you... you did receive the truffles?

(banging on table)

Yes, we had to go to perigord.

Good. Good... yes, there's a matter

that i wish to discuss with you.

And it concerns two exemplary people,

who would make very significant additions

to the citizenry of this country.

Yes, you will... good... early next week?

They will be there... good, goodbye.

(speaking foreign language)

(joyous laughter)

Oh... oh-oh!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

(Wolfe) Satisfactory, Fritz.

There we are.

(laughter)

It's beautiful!

(clapping)

A toast to a great man:

Nero Wolfe.

Two great men!

Two great men!

(speaking foreign language)

Same to you, yeah...

(Wolfe) To your health, security and happiness.

(laughter)

(carl) Thank you, thank you, thank you...

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