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1
00:00:00,097 --> 00:00:03,768
? ?
2
00:00:07,553 --> 00:00:09,984
Whoa! Ma, what is happening here?
3
00:00:10,104 --> 00:00:13,324
Your apartment has more space
for me to do my home yoga.
4
00:00:13,326 --> 00:00:15,726
Your mom's still got it, huh?
5
00:00:15,728 --> 00:00:19,430
If "it" is the ability to make
me uncomfortable in my own home,
6
00:00:19,432 --> 00:00:21,165
then, yep, you still got it.
7
00:00:21,167 --> 00:00:24,408
Mom, you can't keep
letting yourself in here.
8
00:00:24,413 --> 00:00:26,470
Okay. Message received.
9
00:00:26,472 --> 00:00:28,539
- Okay.
- Namaste.
10
00:00:28,541 --> 00:00:30,474
Thank you for understanding.
11
00:00:30,476 --> 00:00:33,243
- _
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
12
00:00:33,245 --> 00:00:34,345
(GIRL SCREAMS)
13
00:00:34,347 --> 00:00:35,412
Whoa. (CHUCKLES)
14
00:00:35,414 --> 00:00:36,547
JUDY: Scary, huh?
15
00:00:36,549 --> 00:00:38,749
(SCREAMS)
16
00:00:39,685 --> 00:00:42,019
- _
- I know. I know. (CHUCKLES)
17
00:00:42,021 --> 00:00:44,221
And here we are.
18
00:00:44,223 --> 00:00:47,324
Mom!
19
00:00:47,326 --> 00:00:49,560
Oh. I must've dozed off.
20
00:00:49,562 --> 00:00:50,661
Hi.
21
00:00:50,663 --> 00:00:53,263
So, who's your friend?
22
00:00:56,502 --> 00:00:58,335
(KEYS JANGLING, LOCK CLICKING)
23
00:00:58,337 --> 00:01:00,404
JUDY: Oh! Josh!
24
00:01:00,406 --> 00:01:02,606
(KNOCKING) My key's not working!
25
00:01:06,112 --> 00:01:08,779
That is because I had the locks changed.
26
00:01:09,682 --> 00:01:11,382
How can I help you?
27
00:01:13,119 --> 00:01:15,419
Well, I just came over to see my son,
28
00:01:15,421 --> 00:01:18,222
but now I realize he hates me.
29
00:01:18,224 --> 00:01:20,824
Oh, good, I was worried
you might overreact.
30
00:01:20,829 --> 00:01:22,760
Come in.
31
00:01:22,762 --> 00:01:24,561
Where did I go wrong?
32
00:01:24,563 --> 00:01:27,464
Was I too loving? Too supportive?
33
00:01:27,466 --> 00:01:30,334
I tell you to reach for too many stars?
34
00:01:30,336 --> 00:01:32,236
No. Look, I'm gonna say something,
35
00:01:32,238 --> 00:01:33,526
and I don't want you
to take it personally.
36
00:01:33,531 --> 00:01:36,473
- Too late. I'm already offended.
- (SIGHS)
37
00:01:36,475 --> 00:01:38,008
This isn't about you.
38
00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:40,043
I've lived independently
for the last 20 years,
39
00:01:40,045 --> 00:01:42,146
and that shouldn't change just
because I moved back to New York
40
00:01:42,148 --> 00:01:44,782
and we now share a wall,
that I wish was much thicker,
41
00:01:44,784 --> 00:01:47,885
because I have heard things
no son should have to hear.
42
00:01:47,887 --> 00:01:52,556
So now I have to apologize
for being a generous lover?
43
00:01:52,558 --> 00:01:55,526
Another thing no son
should have to hear.
44
00:01:57,663 --> 00:02:01,231
There's something wrong with your door!
45
00:02:01,233 --> 00:02:03,218
You put a lock on that door, too?
46
00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:05,903
Yes. You people attack from all sides.
47
00:02:07,139 --> 00:02:09,540
Can you believe this crazy weather?
48
00:02:09,542 --> 00:02:12,042
Yesterday, it was freezing,
and now it's boiling.
49
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:15,012
Josh, feel my armpit.
50
00:02:15,014 --> 00:02:18,882
- I'm good.
- You can soft-boil an egg in there.
51
00:02:18,884 --> 00:02:20,384
Harry,
52
00:02:20,386 --> 00:02:23,187
Josh changed his locks.
53
00:02:25,758 --> 00:02:28,692
And now it's cold again.
54
00:02:29,728 --> 00:02:32,429
? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ?
55
00:02:32,431 --> 00:02:35,232
? Come on, won't you take me home? ?
56
00:02:35,568 --> 00:02:39,918
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
57
00:02:41,091 --> 00:02:43,156
What are you doing?
You could kill somebody.
58
00:02:43,161 --> 00:02:45,368
No, don't worry. They land
on the roof across the street.
59
00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:48,007
Most of the time.
60
00:02:48,009 --> 00:02:51,125
Oh, bro, I heard you iced Mom
out of your apartment.
61
00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:52,745
Yeah, that's right. I put my foot down.
62
00:02:52,747 --> 00:02:54,092
Laid down the law.
63
00:02:54,097 --> 00:02:55,163
- Yeah, good for you.
- Thanks.
64
00:02:55,165 --> 00:02:56,198
I mean, it only took a divorce,
65
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,666
a crushing job loss,
66
00:02:57,668 --> 00:03:00,635
and moving back home
for you to finally grow a pair.
67
00:03:01,366 --> 00:03:03,472
Yeah, well, I think I
deserve a little privacy.
68
00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:05,474
- I'm impressed.
- Thank you.
69
00:03:05,476 --> 00:03:08,076
Yeah, I look forward to watching
it blow up in your face.
70
00:03:08,078 --> 00:03:09,311
(GLASS SHATTERS)
71
00:03:09,313 --> 00:03:10,545
Oh, crap.
72
00:03:10,547 --> 00:03:12,647
Duck!
73
00:03:13,893 --> 00:03:15,529
Hey, babe. What you got there?
74
00:03:15,534 --> 00:03:18,065
I asked your mother if I could
see some old holiday cards,
75
00:03:18,070 --> 00:03:20,104
because I didn't want to
repeat an outfit this year.
76
00:03:20,106 --> 00:03:21,105
Mm-hmm.
77
00:03:21,107 --> 00:03:23,274
- What do you notice?
- (SUCKS AIR THROUGH TEETH)
78
00:03:23,276 --> 00:03:25,709
I won the DNA lottery?
79
00:03:25,711 --> 00:03:27,144
No.
80
00:03:27,146 --> 00:03:29,180
Who's not here anymore?
81
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:33,951
- Kim!
- Yes. After she and Josh got divorced,
82
00:03:33,953 --> 00:03:37,955
your mother cut her out of
every picture she was ever in.
83
00:03:37,957 --> 00:03:40,357
See? No Kim, no Kim, no Kim.
84
00:03:40,359 --> 00:03:45,462
Ugh, that was like a flipbook
of my hair coming into its own.
85
00:03:45,464 --> 00:03:47,464
Andrew, this is why your mother
86
00:03:47,466 --> 00:03:49,733
puts me on the end of every picture...
87
00:03:49,735 --> 00:03:51,402
So I'm croppable.
88
00:03:51,404 --> 00:03:55,272
In her mind, I am not a
permanent member of this family.
89
00:03:55,274 --> 00:03:57,908
Well, in my mind, you are.
90
00:03:57,910 --> 00:04:00,277
That means nothing to me.
91
00:04:00,279 --> 00:04:03,514
I am a permanent member of this family.
92
00:04:03,516 --> 00:04:05,416
And tomorrow I'm gonna prove it,
93
00:04:05,418 --> 00:04:07,384
by getting in the middle of that photo.
94
00:04:07,386 --> 00:04:09,420
You're an animal. Nothing can stop you.
95
00:04:09,422 --> 00:04:10,888
- Thank you, babe.
- Oh.
96
00:04:10,890 --> 00:04:13,691
Oh, no, sorry.
I was talking to myself in 2014.
97
00:04:17,940 --> 00:04:19,830
There you go.
98
00:04:19,832 --> 00:04:21,498
Ah! What up, Josh?
99
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,167
What up, fellas?
100
00:04:23,169 --> 00:04:26,971
You're weirdly happy for a grown
man who lives with his parents.
101
00:04:26,973 --> 00:04:29,540
Ian, even you can't bother me today.
102
00:04:29,542 --> 00:04:31,775
I just got a date
with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
103
00:04:34,690 --> 00:04:36,547
Who are those people?
104
00:04:36,549 --> 00:04:38,782
Guys, I Know What You Did Last Summer.
105
00:04:38,784 --> 00:04:41,252
Testified at my parents' divorce?
106
00:04:41,254 --> 00:04:43,754
Jennifer Love Hewitt
is a famous actress,
107
00:04:43,756 --> 00:04:46,557
and she is friends
with a friend of mine's friend.
108
00:04:46,559 --> 00:04:49,126
That's right. She's only in town
for one night,
109
00:04:49,128 --> 00:04:52,663
and, yep, J.Love.Hew wants
a piece of you-know-who.
110
00:04:52,665 --> 00:04:54,465
Hey, man, you have fun
with this famous actress
111
00:04:54,467 --> 00:04:56,433
that we don't know. In the meantime,
112
00:04:56,435 --> 00:04:58,469
I'm-a need a copy of
your new key. Building policy.
113
00:04:58,471 --> 00:05:00,721
- Yeah, okay. I'll bring it down later.
- Thank you, sir.
114
00:05:00,726 --> 00:05:01,972
(QUIETLY): Cha-ching.
115
00:05:01,974 --> 00:05:03,207
(MUMBLES, CHUCKLES)
116
00:05:04,514 --> 00:05:05,705
I'm sorry,
117
00:05:05,829 --> 00:05:07,144
did you just say "cha-ching"?
118
00:05:07,146 --> 00:05:08,646
No, no. That was... that was me.
119
00:05:08,648 --> 00:05:13,584
Um, I dropped something
that made the cha-ching sound.
120
00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:17,554
My mother offered you money
for a copy of my key.
121
00:05:18,605 --> 00:05:20,291
(CHUCKLES) You had to make
the cha-ching sound, didn't you?
122
00:05:20,293 --> 00:05:21,992
- I knew it.
- All right, well, fine.
123
00:05:21,994 --> 00:05:23,394
Don't give it to me.
But you have to give it
124
00:05:23,396 --> 00:05:24,728
to someone in the building.
125
00:05:24,730 --> 00:05:25,730
Why?
126
00:05:26,599 --> 00:05:28,666
It's a sad story, fellas. Uh...
127
00:05:28,668 --> 00:05:32,403
It was Christmas Eve, 1984. My, uh...
128
00:05:32,405 --> 00:05:34,939
my grandfather was the doorman
at the Barrymore.
129
00:05:35,817 --> 00:05:38,192
11F started choking on a candy cane.
130
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:39,777
She, uh, managed to call down for help,
131
00:05:39,779 --> 00:05:41,478
but Gramps didn't have the spare.
132
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,648
By the time the fire department
broke down the door, well,
133
00:05:44,650 --> 00:05:46,917
let's just say that
the next doorman who helped her
134
00:05:46,919 --> 00:05:49,386
was St. Peter at the pearly gates.
135
00:05:50,589 --> 00:05:52,493
You make that story fresh every time.
136
00:05:52,498 --> 00:05:54,258
Thanks, little man. I appreciate that.
137
00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:56,961
It's a safety issue, Josh.
Somebody needs a key, man.
138
00:05:56,963 --> 00:05:58,462
Okay, fine. I just have to find someone
139
00:05:58,464 --> 00:06:00,030
who's not afraid
to stand up to my mother.
140
00:06:00,032 --> 00:06:02,700
Might be easier
to just move back to L.A.
141
00:06:03,502 --> 00:06:04,902
No.
142
00:06:04,904 --> 00:06:07,204
I know someone who'd be happy to help.
143
00:06:07,206 --> 00:06:09,473
Oh, hell no!
144
00:06:09,475 --> 00:06:10,774
Why not?
145
00:06:10,776 --> 00:06:12,977
Because I can only fight
one battle at a time
146
00:06:12,979 --> 00:06:15,813
against your mother, and I've
already waged a different war.
147
00:06:15,815 --> 00:06:18,015
She doesn't want to end up
like your ex-wife.
148
00:06:18,017 --> 00:06:19,216
Living in the house I paid for
149
00:06:19,218 --> 00:06:21,285
with a 25-year-old furniture maker?
150
00:06:21,287 --> 00:06:23,520
Cropped out of family photos.
151
00:06:23,522 --> 00:06:26,357
Tomorrow, I'm getting in
the middle of that picture.
152
00:06:26,359 --> 00:06:30,060
- Good luck with that.
- Yeah, she's gonna need it. (CHUCKLES)
153
00:06:30,062 --> 00:06:33,731
You're not gonna need it.
You'll probably win.
154
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:35,966
All right, well,
155
00:06:35,968 --> 00:06:38,102
since Eve won't hold my key,
it's all you, bro.
156
00:06:38,104 --> 00:06:40,104
Oh, that is a hard pass.
157
00:06:40,106 --> 00:06:41,505
I don't want to get in the middle
158
00:06:41,507 --> 00:06:43,107
of you and Mom's sick little dance.
159
00:06:43,109 --> 00:06:45,876
Besides, I'm not a key guy.
160
00:06:45,878 --> 00:06:50,080
- What do you mean?
- I mean I'm not a guy who has keys.
161
00:06:50,082 --> 00:06:53,517
Key guys are responsible and
average and play by the rules.
162
00:06:53,519 --> 00:06:56,520
I'm a heart surgeon... I make the rules.
163
00:06:56,522 --> 00:07:00,391
Besides, keys in my pocket
mess up the lines of my pants.
164
00:07:00,393 --> 00:07:02,426
And smooth pants are more important
165
00:07:02,428 --> 00:07:04,461
than helping your brother
if there's an emergency?
166
00:07:06,507 --> 00:07:08,499
You tell me.
167
00:07:08,501 --> 00:07:10,100
Yeah.
168
00:07:10,957 --> 00:07:12,236
- Dad?
- Hey.
169
00:07:12,238 --> 00:07:15,257
- Guess the temperature.
- Worst game show ever.
170
00:07:15,262 --> 00:07:16,840
48 degrees.
171
00:07:16,842 --> 00:07:19,559
This morning, it was 80.
172
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:23,647
Al Gore was right. This is inconvenient.
173
00:07:23,649 --> 00:07:24,866
Where's Mom?
174
00:07:24,871 --> 00:07:27,405
She and Ida Feldman went to Ellis Island
175
00:07:27,407 --> 00:07:31,275
to look up whose ancestors
were more attractive.
176
00:07:31,277 --> 00:07:33,511
Great. I need you to keep
the spare key to my apartment.
177
00:07:33,513 --> 00:07:35,479
- No problem.
- And you can't tell Mom.
178
00:07:35,481 --> 00:07:37,248
Tremendous problem.
179
00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:40,017
Your mother and I are a team.
180
00:07:40,019 --> 00:07:41,786
I don't like keeping secrets from her.
181
00:07:41,788 --> 00:07:44,055
It puts a lot of pressure on me.
182
00:07:44,057 --> 00:07:46,324
Come on. I'm asking you
to hide a key, not a dead body.
183
00:07:46,326 --> 00:07:48,759
Well, actually, I can
think of a lot of places
184
00:07:48,761 --> 00:07:50,161
to hide a dead body.
185
00:07:50,163 --> 00:07:52,430
I watch every CSI.
186
00:07:52,432 --> 00:07:53,698
It's a safety issue.
187
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,099
I mean, what if I choke on a candy cane,
188
00:07:55,101 --> 00:07:56,567
and no one can get into my apartment?
189
00:07:56,569 --> 00:08:00,271
Nick's grandfather
never forgave himself.
190
00:08:00,273 --> 00:08:02,573
I don't think I can do this, Josh.
191
00:08:02,575 --> 00:08:05,509
Of course you can, Dad.
You're a strong and powerful man.
192
00:08:05,511 --> 00:08:07,078
I did box in college.
193
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,913
Yeah, you did. It's the final round.
194
00:08:08,915 --> 00:08:11,415
You're on the ropes,
but you got a secret weapon.
195
00:08:11,417 --> 00:08:12,717
- What is it?
- It's heart.
196
00:08:12,719 --> 00:08:14,285
That's what I was hoping it was!
197
00:08:14,287 --> 00:08:16,354
- That's what it is!
- Give me that key!
198
00:08:16,356 --> 00:08:17,688
- Yeah!
- I can do this.
199
00:08:17,690 --> 00:08:19,924
- Eye of the tiger, Dad!
- Yes.
200
00:08:25,076 --> 00:08:27,565
Let's go! Time for the holiday photo!
201
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:29,266
(LAUGHS)
202
00:08:29,268 --> 00:08:31,102
I photograph best
203
00:08:31,104 --> 00:08:33,904
from the upper left, and
no low angles on my husband.
204
00:08:33,906 --> 00:08:35,606
- He has nostrils for days.
- (LAUGHS)
205
00:08:35,608 --> 00:08:39,510
Yes. I have all your notes
from the last five years.
206
00:08:39,512 --> 00:08:40,644
- (FAKE LAUGHS)
- Yeah.
207
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:42,113
(FAKE LAUGHS)
208
00:08:42,115 --> 00:08:43,547
- Hey. What's up, Terrance?
- Ooh!
209
00:08:43,549 --> 00:08:44,982
- (QUIETLY): She's in rare form.
- Oh, boy.
210
00:08:44,984 --> 00:08:47,585
Oh, Josh, I understand
you're going on a date
211
00:08:47,587 --> 00:08:49,153
with Jennifer Lopez Hewitt.
212
00:08:49,155 --> 00:08:50,458
It's Love.
213
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,743
Oh, we'll see. Yeah.
214
00:08:52,748 --> 00:08:56,193
Also, it turns out that
Ida Feldman... whose ancestors
215
00:08:56,195 --> 00:08:59,163
were hideous, by the way...
Doesn't have a key
216
00:08:59,165 --> 00:09:00,698
to her son's apartment, either,
217
00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:03,134
so I've decided
not to take it personally.
218
00:09:03,136 --> 00:09:04,535
Isn't Ida's son in jail?
219
00:09:04,537 --> 00:09:06,596
- Just take the win, Josh.
- Okay.
220
00:09:06,601 --> 00:09:08,101
- Hey! What's happening, baby?
- Hi.
221
00:09:08,103 --> 00:09:10,674
Aw. Look, my beautiful boys!
222
00:09:10,903 --> 00:09:12,273
Are you wearing makeup?
223
00:09:12,278 --> 00:09:14,574
Just powdered away the shine,
like a man.
224
00:09:15,911 --> 00:09:17,577
All right, Harry, let's go!
225
00:09:17,579 --> 00:09:19,179
- Here!
- (JUDY LAUGHS)
226
00:09:19,181 --> 00:09:21,414
- Hey, you look great, Dad!
- I feel great, Josh.
227
00:09:21,416 --> 00:09:24,250
I got the key thing all figured out.
228
00:09:24,252 --> 00:09:25,852
There you go, champ.
I knew you could do it!
229
00:09:25,854 --> 00:09:27,921
I hid it in a perfect spot
that no one will ever find.
230
00:09:27,923 --> 00:09:29,289
Great, great, great!
231
00:09:29,291 --> 00:09:31,491
All right, everyone, by the plant.
232
00:09:31,493 --> 00:09:33,760
Uh-oh.
233
00:09:33,762 --> 00:09:35,428
You hid the key in the plant?
234
00:09:35,430 --> 00:09:37,730
Yeah, but now we're
gonna be at the plant,
235
00:09:37,732 --> 00:09:40,200
and-and now it's in my mind,
and-and your mother...
236
00:09:40,202 --> 00:09:43,002
Come on, Dad. You can do this.
Just be cool.
237
00:09:43,004 --> 00:09:44,804
Cool is your middle name.
238
00:09:44,806 --> 00:09:46,573
- It's Saul.
- Okay, just...
239
00:09:46,575 --> 00:09:49,142
Okay, Daddy and I are in the middle.
240
00:09:49,144 --> 00:09:51,626
Josh, you're over here. Okay.
241
00:09:52,694 --> 00:09:55,381
Andrew and Wyatt will be here, and
242
00:09:55,383 --> 00:09:57,317
Eve, you're... good there.
243
00:09:57,319 --> 00:10:00,153
Actually, Judy, I was
thinking that maybe
244
00:10:00,155 --> 00:10:03,479
this year, I could stand... here.
245
00:10:03,484 --> 00:10:04,991
Well, good for you for thinking.
246
00:10:04,993 --> 00:10:06,359
(LAUGHS)
247
00:10:06,361 --> 00:10:08,228
But holidays are all about traditions.
248
00:10:08,230 --> 00:10:10,230
So...
249
00:10:10,232 --> 00:10:12,632
Remember, Harry, nostrils in.
250
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,669
You know what? You're right.
251
00:10:16,671 --> 00:10:18,905
Let's change places over here.
252
00:10:18,907 --> 00:10:20,306
Honey, come over by the plant.
253
00:10:20,308 --> 00:10:22,145
- Josh, you, too.
- Okay.
254
00:10:22,150 --> 00:10:24,143
That's good. All right, ready.
255
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:27,513
All right, everyone, smile.
256
00:10:27,515 --> 00:10:30,516
Uh, eyes over here, Mr. Roberts.
257
00:10:30,518 --> 00:10:32,173
Why? Where's he looking?
Where are you looking?
258
00:10:32,178 --> 00:10:33,786
- Nowhere.
- He keeps looking at the plant.
259
00:10:33,788 --> 00:10:35,388
Who asked you, Terrance?!
260
00:10:36,391 --> 00:10:37,924
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
261
00:10:37,926 --> 00:10:39,359
- Nothing.
- What is the matter, Harry?
262
00:10:39,364 --> 00:10:40,954
You're acting very strange.
263
00:10:40,956 --> 00:10:44,892
No, I'm not. The key is in the plant.
264
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,827
Way to be cool, Saul.
265
00:10:48,261 --> 00:10:50,631
- Is this Josh's spare key?
- Yes.
266
00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:53,667
I only kept it because
Andrew and Eve refused.
267
00:10:53,669 --> 00:10:56,170
'Cause we love you, Ma.
268
00:10:57,973 --> 00:11:01,638
So you offered your key to
everyone in this family but me.
269
00:11:01,643 --> 00:11:02,676
So it is personal.
270
00:11:02,678 --> 00:11:05,679
Ma, you're the only one who
barges into my apartment naked.
271
00:11:05,681 --> 00:11:07,047
Oh, I wasn't naked.
272
00:11:07,049 --> 00:11:09,049
I was using my hands as a bra.
273
00:11:10,186 --> 00:11:12,386
Joshua, if I am not welcome
in your home,
274
00:11:12,388 --> 00:11:15,155
- then you are not welcome in mine.
- Not a problem for me.
275
00:11:15,157 --> 00:11:16,557
Great. From now on,
276
00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:18,625
we'll be just regular
tenant and landlady.
277
00:11:18,627 --> 00:11:20,694
- Fine.
- Fine!
278
00:11:21,797 --> 00:11:23,097
Hey, you guys want
to take a five or something?
279
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,965
No, no, no, no. Take the picture.
280
00:11:24,967 --> 00:11:27,234
I want a reminder of the exact moment
281
00:11:27,236 --> 00:11:29,336
when my only son broke my heart.
282
00:11:29,338 --> 00:11:30,571
- Uh...
- Oh.
283
00:11:30,573 --> 00:11:32,406
You know what I mean.
284
00:11:32,408 --> 00:11:34,641
All right, say cheese.
285
00:11:35,272 --> 00:11:37,244
- Cheese.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
286
00:11:43,262 --> 00:11:44,444
Hey. What are you eating?
287
00:11:44,449 --> 00:11:46,214
Toast. Huge toast guy.
288
00:11:46,219 --> 00:11:48,686
Ah. At 6:30 at night?
289
00:11:48,688 --> 00:11:51,889
Toast knows no time, bro.
290
00:11:51,891 --> 00:11:53,891
Hey, I can't believe you haven't
spoken to Mom in three days.
291
00:11:53,893 --> 00:11:55,226
Has that ever happened?
292
00:11:55,228 --> 00:11:57,194
Uh, once at Camp Chippewa in Maine,
293
00:11:57,196 --> 00:11:59,797
but she showed up on the fourth
day 'cause she was so worried.
294
00:11:59,799 --> 00:12:02,470
I mean, I feel bad
I hurt her, but look at me.
295
00:12:02,475 --> 00:12:03,799
I'm getting ready for my big date,
296
00:12:03,804 --> 00:12:05,604
and I don't have to worry
about her barging in
297
00:12:05,606 --> 00:12:07,977
and saying, "Is that
what you're wearing?"
298
00:12:07,982 --> 00:12:09,608
Is it?
299
00:12:09,610 --> 00:12:11,677
Yes. The point is, I am
300
00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:14,013
loving my privacy.
What is it... the shirt?
301
00:12:14,015 --> 00:12:16,448
- Yeah, and the pants.
- Okay. Thank you.
302
00:12:16,450 --> 00:12:18,450
(KNOCKING) Can you get that?
303
00:12:19,833 --> 00:12:21,920
Terrance sent me a copy of the photo!
304
00:12:21,922 --> 00:12:23,589
Look who's in the middle.
305
00:12:23,591 --> 00:12:25,157
Oh, and you look so pretty.
306
00:12:25,159 --> 00:12:27,993
Aw, I can't believe this is
gonna be the holiday card.
307
00:12:27,995 --> 00:12:30,229
Oh, it's not.
308
00:12:30,231 --> 00:12:31,630
Why not?
309
00:12:31,632 --> 00:12:33,732
Because I'm no longer sending one out.
310
00:12:33,734 --> 00:12:37,403
Josh has taken away my will
to spread cheer.
311
00:12:41,542 --> 00:12:44,076
But I'm in the middle.
312
00:12:44,078 --> 00:12:46,478
Hey, what's it like out?
Coat or no coat?
313
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,313
Yeah, I'm not really a weather guy.
314
00:12:48,315 --> 00:12:51,517
(DOOR CLOSES)
315
00:12:55,556 --> 00:12:58,457
Lot of coats, lot of tank tops.
316
00:12:58,459 --> 00:13:00,159
Light sweater.
317
00:13:00,161 --> 00:13:02,061
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
318
00:13:03,631 --> 00:13:06,899
No! Stupid new lock!
319
00:13:08,069 --> 00:13:09,868
(SCOFFS)
320
00:13:13,174 --> 00:13:15,641
No! Andrew?!
321
00:13:15,643 --> 00:13:17,276
- Wait.
- What?
322
00:13:18,551 --> 00:13:20,813
Should I get a coat?
323
00:13:21,474 --> 00:13:23,615
Nah, I'm good.
324
00:13:23,617 --> 00:13:25,617
Damn it.
325
00:13:25,619 --> 00:13:28,187
(DISTANT HORNS HONKING)
326
00:13:30,108 --> 00:13:31,290
Oh.
327
00:13:32,393 --> 00:13:34,259
Okay.
328
00:13:39,433 --> 00:13:40,899
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
329
00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:43,335
Dad?! Dad?!
330
00:13:43,337 --> 00:13:46,739
- Hello, neighbor.
- Hi.
331
00:13:46,741 --> 00:13:49,975
You're awfully chipper for
someone who's trespassing.
332
00:13:49,977 --> 00:13:52,211
Well, I just wanted Dad to see
333
00:13:52,213 --> 00:13:54,780
- how warm yet cold it is outside.
- Hmm.
334
00:13:54,782 --> 00:13:56,548
This armpit's sweaty,
the other's room temp.
335
00:13:56,550 --> 00:13:58,150
I thought he might like to feel.
336
00:13:58,152 --> 00:14:00,452
I'm sure he would,
but as you may recall,
337
00:14:00,454 --> 00:14:02,421
you are no longer welcome in my home,
338
00:14:02,423 --> 00:14:04,690
and my balcony is part of my home.
339
00:14:04,692 --> 00:14:06,391
Yes. Of course. I'll just...
340
00:14:06,393 --> 00:14:08,627
Yeah. (GRUNTS)
341
00:14:13,898 --> 00:14:16,068
Well, shouldn't you be
getting ready for your date
342
00:14:16,070 --> 00:14:18,270
with Jennifer Hewlett-Packard?
343
00:14:21,821 --> 00:14:24,643
Yes, and I will, right now.
344
00:14:24,645 --> 00:14:26,812
By way of my apartment.
345
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,116
Just go on right in there.
346
00:14:35,912 --> 00:14:38,357
(GROANS)
347
00:14:38,359 --> 00:14:42,161
I understand you have
an armpit for me to touch.
348
00:14:42,163 --> 00:14:44,630
No. I'm locked out
and my date's in 20 minutes.
349
00:14:44,632 --> 00:14:46,165
I need you to distract Mom
350
00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:47,699
so I can sneak through your apartment.
351
00:14:47,701 --> 00:14:50,068
Not gonna happen. Mommy's still so upset
352
00:14:50,070 --> 00:14:51,770
about the key betrayal.
353
00:14:51,772 --> 00:14:54,039
She took away my Mallomars.
354
00:14:54,041 --> 00:14:55,707
Well, I'm not missing my date
because of her.
355
00:14:55,709 --> 00:14:56,942
Okay, we'll work it out.
356
00:14:56,944 --> 00:14:59,111
As a lawyer, I settle domestic disputes
357
00:14:59,113 --> 00:15:02,514
all day long. We'll negotiate.
358
00:15:02,516 --> 00:15:04,349
Well, obviously, I want a key.
359
00:15:04,351 --> 00:15:07,486
- I'll tell him.
- I'm not done.
360
00:15:07,488 --> 00:15:10,022
Three dinners a week,
brunch every Sunday,
361
00:15:10,024 --> 00:15:11,456
two Broadway shows a month,
362
00:15:11,458 --> 00:15:13,458
one of which must be a musical...
363
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:15,561
and she wants to be my plus-one
364
00:15:15,563 --> 00:15:18,497
at any award shows I'm
invited to, except the Grammys?
365
00:15:18,499 --> 00:15:20,065
- They're too loud for her.
- Oh.
366
00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:21,233
I'm getting killed here.
367
00:15:21,235 --> 00:15:22,634
What kind of mediator are you?
368
00:15:22,636 --> 00:15:23,735
Don't panic.
369
00:15:23,737 --> 00:15:25,737
This is negotiating 101.
370
00:15:25,739 --> 00:15:29,541
You ask for more than you need
so you get what you want.
371
00:15:29,543 --> 00:15:31,076
Okay, give me that pen.
372
00:15:31,078 --> 00:15:34,179
I'm gonna make a list
of things that I want.
373
00:15:34,878 --> 00:15:36,882
No.
374
00:15:36,884 --> 00:15:39,551
Well, if she just said no,
then what took so long?
375
00:15:39,553 --> 00:15:41,720
I thought I figured out
where she hid my Mallomars,
376
00:15:41,722 --> 00:15:43,355
but I was wrong.
377
00:15:43,357 --> 00:15:46,124
(GROANS) Well, if I want to make
my date, I have no choice.
378
00:15:46,126 --> 00:15:48,160
Tell that lunatic she has a deal.
379
00:15:48,162 --> 00:15:50,329
Lunatic? I'm not the one
who put an automatic lock
380
00:15:50,331 --> 00:15:51,997
on my back door.
381
00:15:51,999 --> 00:15:55,400
Let's not get derailed.
All we need is a handshake.
382
00:15:55,402 --> 00:15:57,035
What's going on?
Shouldn't you be on your date?
383
00:15:57,037 --> 00:15:59,771
Andrew and Eve, thank God.
I am locked out.
384
00:15:59,773 --> 00:16:02,741
Mom, you can take your deal
and shove it.
385
00:16:02,743 --> 00:16:04,209
I can go through their apartment,
386
00:16:04,211 --> 00:16:06,078
so boom! The kid pulls it out
387
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,846
in the nick of time.
388
00:16:07,848 --> 00:16:09,014
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
389
00:16:09,016 --> 00:16:11,989
Sorry, Josh. This is bigger than you.
390
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,992
(PHONE RINGS)
391
00:16:16,255 --> 00:16:18,523
Hello.
392
00:16:18,525 --> 00:16:20,259
I won't let him in...
393
00:16:20,261 --> 00:16:23,492
if you use the picture
with me in the middle
394
00:16:23,497 --> 00:16:25,996
for the holiday card.
395
00:16:26,605 --> 00:16:27,605
Done.
396
00:16:28,769 --> 00:16:30,836
I'd also like an apology
397
00:16:30,838 --> 00:16:32,804
- for all the things that you...
- Okay, bye-bye.
398
00:16:36,108 --> 00:16:38,110
You just out-Judy'd Judy.
399
00:16:38,112 --> 00:16:39,344
Yeah, I did.
400
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:41,246
That is so hot.
401
00:16:42,089 --> 00:16:42,948
(CLICK) Get in here.
402
00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:44,750
Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Let me...
403
00:16:44,752 --> 00:16:46,474
- Come on.
- Sorry, bro. This is bigger than you.
404
00:16:46,479 --> 00:16:48,820
B-B-But-but...
405
00:16:49,890 --> 00:16:52,457
Okay. Looks like you win.
406
00:16:55,109 --> 00:16:56,795
(SIGHS) I will take the deal.
407
00:16:56,797 --> 00:17:00,148
Oh, I'm sorry, son, that
deal is no longer available.
408
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:02,434
It's been shoved.
409
00:17:03,270 --> 00:17:05,404
I do have a new offer, though.
410
00:17:05,406 --> 00:17:08,173
Everything from my original
list, and you join
411
00:17:08,175 --> 00:17:11,109
your father and me on our
cruise to Alaska this summer.
412
00:17:11,111 --> 00:17:12,577
Absolutely not.
413
00:17:12,579 --> 00:17:14,012
Dad, tell her you don't want me to go.
414
00:17:14,014 --> 00:17:15,447
If I say that I want him to go,
415
00:17:15,449 --> 00:17:17,082
will you tell me
where the Mallomars are?
416
00:17:17,084 --> 00:17:18,684
They're in a hatbox in my closet.
417
00:17:18,686 --> 00:17:19,918
Josh, I'm sorry,
418
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,620
- this is bigger than you.
- Wha...
419
00:17:23,090 --> 00:17:25,123
Ahoy, matey.
420
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:28,460
- Fine, but I get my own cabin.
- With an adjoining door.
421
00:17:28,462 --> 00:17:30,429
- That locks on my side.
- No, it doesn't.
422
00:17:30,431 --> 00:17:31,530
Deal.
423
00:17:31,532 --> 00:17:33,699
Have fun on your date.
424
00:17:36,694 --> 00:17:38,270
Are we really going to Alaska?
425
00:17:38,272 --> 00:17:39,805
We are now.
426
00:17:47,577 --> 00:17:49,147
He's not wrong.
427
00:17:50,451 --> 00:17:52,651
(KNOCKING)
428
00:17:57,925 --> 00:18:00,492
Oh, look at you,
knocking all respectfully.
429
00:18:00,494 --> 00:18:03,428
That's cute. I don't have my key yet.
430
00:18:04,321 --> 00:18:06,130
I'll get it. Come in, have a seat.
431
00:18:06,871 --> 00:18:08,273
How was your date?
432
00:18:08,864 --> 00:18:11,636
Eh, it wasn't a date.
Jennifer's married.
433
00:18:11,638 --> 00:18:14,606
Turns out she's playing Helen
Keller in a new Hallmark movie,
434
00:18:14,608 --> 00:18:15,874
she saw me in Blind Cop,
435
00:18:15,876 --> 00:18:18,510
and wanted advice on how to act blind.
436
00:18:18,512 --> 00:18:21,346
If she didn't fall in
love with this face,
437
00:18:21,348 --> 00:18:23,382
then she's already blind.
438
00:18:23,384 --> 00:18:25,617
- Thanks, Ma.
- (SHORT CHUCKLE)
439
00:18:26,387 --> 00:18:27,419
Here it is.
440
00:18:29,523 --> 00:18:31,523
And look, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.
441
00:18:31,525 --> 00:18:33,158
I love you.
442
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:35,427
But if we're together all the time,
443
00:18:35,429 --> 00:18:37,496
that might make it feel...
444
00:18:37,498 --> 00:18:39,231
- Less special.
- Hmm.
445
00:18:39,233 --> 00:18:40,832
I understand.
446
00:18:40,834 --> 00:18:44,870
When your father was courting me,
he brought me flowers every day.
447
00:18:44,872 --> 00:18:46,371
I finally said,
"What's with the flowers?
448
00:18:46,373 --> 00:18:48,473
I'm running out of vases."
449
00:18:49,369 --> 00:18:51,076
Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
450
00:18:51,078 --> 00:18:53,178
I guess I missed you so
much when you were in L.A.,
451
00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:56,515
I'm... trying to make up for lost time.
452
00:18:58,410 --> 00:19:00,085
Here.
453
00:19:00,759 --> 00:19:03,555
Wow. Ma, thanks.
454
00:19:03,557 --> 00:19:05,323
That is a huge step for you.
455
00:19:05,325 --> 00:19:07,459
Yeah, I can't do it.
456
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,582
Mom just gave me the mock-up
of the holiday card!
457
00:19:15,584 --> 00:19:16,886
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
458
00:19:16,891 --> 00:19:19,592
I can't believe you went up
against our mother and won.
459
00:19:19,594 --> 00:19:21,293
That is a feeling I do not know.
460
00:19:21,295 --> 00:19:24,129
You and Mom can talk
about that in Alaska.
461
00:19:25,533 --> 00:19:26,565
(GASPS)
462
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:28,867
Wait a minute.
463
00:19:28,869 --> 00:19:31,237
She put me in the crease.
464
00:19:31,239 --> 00:19:33,973
She didn't crop you,
but she creased you.
465
00:19:34,898 --> 00:19:37,409
There's a big line
down the middle of my face.
466
00:19:37,411 --> 00:19:40,512
I'm just two arms and a bunch of hair.
467
00:19:40,514 --> 00:19:43,148
That's not true... I can also
see a piece of your lip.
468
00:19:44,452 --> 00:19:46,585
You can never out-Judy Judy.
469
00:19:46,587 --> 00:19:49,223
Well, I'm not giving up.
I'll get her next year.
470
00:19:49,228 --> 00:19:50,569
JUDY: No, you won't.
471
00:19:50,574 --> 00:19:53,401
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472
00:19:53,451 --> 00:19:58,001
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