All language subtitles for 800 Words s02e12.eng

(MELANCHOLY GUITAR MUSIC)

GEORGE: They say that what
you don't know can't hurt you.

That ignorance is bliss.

But ignorance is also
a hand grenade...

..with the pin waiting to be pulled.

OK, this is nice.

I thought we deserved
a little luxury.

Oh, nice view!

Mine's even better.

Did I mention that I like it

when you come over all romantic
with your crazy plans?

What - you mean a kid-free weekend in
the big smoke with a beautiful woman

to introduce her
to a true Australian icon?

James Reyne.
In concert.

Could life get any better?
Always. Champagne.

Room service.

True, although room service
requires an appetite.

Not hungry?
Could be.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, just... just hold that thought.

It's Arlo.
Kid-free, huh?

Well, I told him not to call
unless it was important.

Arlo?

Hey, do we have any sumac?

Sumac?

Yeah, sumac.
You know, the spicy stuff?

Yeah, I know what it is,

but why are you calling me
on my weekend away from you guys

to ask if I have sumac?

I know.
It's just I swear we had some.

I don't think we do.
There's some at the Boat Club.

Fiona says you can get some
from the Boat Club.

Oh, cool! Alright. Ta!

You must be cooking something
very flash if you need sumac.

You know, with the kitchen
to myself,

it's the perfect chance
to experiment.

I don't think Shay
is that big on sumac, actually.

Good to know. Uh, don't wanna
disturb you any more. Bye.

Bye.

He wasn't suspicious?
Well, why would he be?

He asked about the cooking.
Dad knows I like cooking.

Yeah, but I'm supposed to be
at Fiona's, and she's with him...

Relax - Dad is so distracted
with your Aunty Fiona these days,

he won't be picking up
on that stuff.

OK, I thought you guys were going
to Ike's place for the weekend.

Were we?

Yeah, to plot the downfall of Sean
at the council over at Ike's place.

OK, but Ike's caravan
is very cramped,

so we thought we would just
hang out with you guys instead.

No way. We had a deal.

OK, how about instead
of three months,

I don't have to do housework
for six months?

OK, OK.
We'll get out of your hair, bro.

Shh. I'm negotiating.
Have fun.

Fine. We'll leave you two rebels
to your lovefest.

Yeah, just not a word to anyone.

Don't worry. No-one ever need know,
as long as you... use protection.

Oh, just go!

2x12

So, at this point,
let's raise our glasses

and take a moment to remember Norma.

Why?

Well, I remember
her soft, sweet side.

The nurturer, the feeder.

To Norma!

Hey, Arlo! Come here.

Did George and Fiona get away
on their dirty weekend?

Uh... they went to the concert, yes.

Yeah, and the rest, eh?

Woody! Don't embarrass the poor boy.

What?
You're not embarrassed, are you?

Nothing embarrasses me anymore,
and excuse me.

See? He's not embarrassed.

We need another round.
I'll get it.

Sumac?
Fiona said I could borrow some.

Why are you cooking all fancy
if George and Fiona are out of town?

It's the perfect opportunity for me
to practice my culinary skills.

Or you could be hanging out
with kids your own age.

Why?

Because then you wouldn't sound
so tragic and alone.

Well, I guess I am a tragic
and alone kind of guy.

Alright, then.
Knock yourself out, tiger.

They want another round. Thanks.

Oh, good purchase.

Thank you very much.
Oooh! Thank you.

I haven't done this for ages.
What - indulge in ice-cream?

Not that ice-cream is an indulgence,

being one of the necessary
food groups.

No, snuck away, left the kids behind.

I mean, I love my children...

No-one would ever question that,
George.

Now they're old enough
to look after themselves,

I can do stuff for myself, you know?

It's liberating.

Well, having never been a parent,

I'll have to take
your word for that.

Being an aunty,

I've always been able to hand them
back at the end of the day.

Well, I wouldn't have it
any other way,

but coming out the other side
has its attractions.

Hey, sorry that took...
Don't move!

Why are you on the chair?
Because of that.

Whoa! Whoa, what is that?

I'm pretty sure it's a weta,
but it's so big!

Well, is it dangerous?
Look at it! It looks dangerous!

I thought there was
nothing poisonous here.

Maybe the big ones are.
Do something!

OK.

(PHONE RINGS)

It's Arlo again.

What were saying about freedom?

No, we don't have
any saffron either.

Hey. Sorry to interrupt.
Again.

Yes, again,
but are you completely sure

there are no venomous insects
in New Zealand?

Positive. Why?

Well, there's a very large,
very freaky thing on the chair.

Well, if it's an insect,
it's probably a weta.

Right, and you're definitely sure
they're not venomous?

(SCREAMS)
Who was that?

Uh... Shay.
Didn't sound like Shay.

OK, it wasn't. It was... a friend.

A friend by the name of Emma,
by any chance?

FIONA: Emma?

Arlo, what's going on?

Put her on.

It's Fiona.

Hello?

I assume your mother doesn't know
that you're there.

She knows I'm in Weld.
Uh-huh.

At your place.
Wow. I am seriously unimpressed.

Sorry.

I should ring your mum right now.
Please don't!

Well, lucky for you, you're in luck.
I'm not going to. Do you know why?

Because she'll go totally mental?

Exactly, and I'll be involved,

and I'm not having my holiday ruined
by a thoughtless teenager.

Thank you?

What about the really scary insect?

It sounds like a damn weta, Emma.

Let it crawl onto something

and then tip it off that something
into the garden,

and stop being a bloody wimp.

Do you want to go back?
To Weld? No way.

We have a concert to go to
and freedom to be enjoyed.

At least we know that all
Arlo and Em are doing is cooking.

That's not all they're doing,
but we do have a concert to go to.

Take me to your icon.

That was awesome.
You really are an amazing cook.

Well, there's dessert if you're keen.

Definitely... but, um, first...

Uh... you know
I really like you, right?

And I really like you.

Cool.

Uh... there's something
I need to ask.

What?

(CAR APPROACHES)

What is that?
Is that the question?

No. (LAUGHS) But, yes, what is that?

(CAR DOORS SLAM, ROCK MUSIC BLARES)

Uh, I don't know,
but it is coming from our driveway.

(ROCK MUSIC BLARES)

Uh, why are you here?
For the party.

There's no party here.
Yes, there is.

We wanted to stop you
being so tragic and...

Oh. Not so alone after all.

Obviously. So, you can just
take your party somewhere else.

But your dad's not here.
Yeah. So?

So, you have a license to party.
No, I don't.

No, you have to. It's law.
What law?

Numpty law.
Unwritten but non-negotiable. Sorry!

Arlo says, "Bring it on!"

(CHEERING)

Respect, Arlo.
Cheers, mate.

Thanks a lot.

(DRIVING ROCK MUSIC)

No, you can't use my bed just
because it's better than yours.

Alright, funny - not!

Listen, a spontaneous party
has descended on home.

What do you mean?

Well, Ollie and Lindsay,
they just kind of arrived.

The Numpties! Classy.

What do you want me to do about it?

Maybe come and kick them out.

Arlo, you wanted the house to
yourself. It's your responsibility.

Yeah, but...

Do you really want to be the guy

who asked his big sister to come
and shut it down?

Do you want to be that tragic guy?

Yeah, I'm OK with tragic.
Not that tragic.

Look, relax, enjoy the party,
and try not to break stuff.

(ROCK MUSIC BLARES)

Hey. Everything all good?

My brother is socially challenged.

Well, maybe he should get a job
with Sean at the council.

Are you guys still at war?

OK, we filled out
the application form, right?

To create the mural.

We were supposed to hear back
in three days. It's been nine.

Stalling tactics.
So, what can we do?

Call him on it. Go in there
and tell him his job's on the line.

How is his job on the line?
He's a civil servant.

You, the citizens, pay his wages,
and because of that, you have rights.

Yeah. Without us, he has no job.
Exactly.

He's a bureaucrat - paid to lubricate
the wheels of civic opportunity.

I like your thinking, Zac.

Sean is your servant,
and servants do as they're told.

BOY: Oh, good shot!

KIDS: Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!
Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

Hey, Arlo.
Ollie.

Where's Shay?
Uh, at Ike's.

Oh, yeah? How are they getting on?

Uh, they're fine.
No, really. How's she getting on?

Fine, Ollie.

'Cause I don't think
Ike is right for Shay,

if you know what I mean.

I need a glass of water.

Hey. Hey. Come with me. Over here.

Well, you're enjoying yourself.
I am!

Lindsay's fun,
in a screwed-up kind of way.

Arlo, what are you doing?

Do you want to mess around
in your dad's bed?

That's kind of adventurous.

I just think you might be
a bit drunk right now.

But I came here to be with you,
so let's be with each other.

(FACETIME RINGS)

Ignore it.

Uh... hey, let's not do this,
you know, like this.

If you say so.
What do you want to do instead?

Go back to the party?

Uh, no, no, um... well, tell me
what you were gonna ask me before.

(FACETIME RINGS)

Wow. That sound is weirdly intense.

So, the question... the thing is...

(FACETIME CONTINUES RINGING)

No! Shh, weird sound!
Oh, it's Aunt Jan.

She'll want to speak to your dad,
not you.

Uh, yeah, but...
Oh, what were you saying?

Oh, yeah.

The thing is, I really like you.

You said, and me too.

Oh, yeah.

(FACETIME RINGS)

Oh! What does she want?

(PRESSES BUTTON)

Hey, Jan.

Arlo, hi. Nice to see you.

Uh, yeah, you too. What's up?

Oh, nothing. I was just hoping
to catch George. Is he...?

He's gone to Auckland for the weekend
to see James Reyne.

James Reyne? Phew!
That takes me back.

Well, he's trying to convert Fiona.

Of course.

Yeah, well, it can wait.
Nothing important.

Are you sure?
You did ring three times.

I did. Silly me.

It was just... about...

His column?

Yes. His last column was very good.

You do know it was about the physics
of the perfect wave, right?

Yeah, it was just... so moving.
(CRIES)

OK, well, I'll pass that on.

OK, great. Thanks. Bye.

OK.

Hey, you need to come home right now.

Arlo, they're your friends.
Deal with it.

No, listen, you have to come home,
and without Ike.

Why?
Just do it.

To James Reyne,
my second-favourite Australian icon.

You're a convert?
I'm a convert.

That song 'Reckless' - always
loved it, never knew who sung it.

Mmm. If ever there was a song
to make an Aussie homesick.

Mmm.

Maybe I'll give Arlo a quick call.

They're teenagers, George.

Did you never tell a white lie
when you were a teenager?

Well, it was a bit more
than a white lie.

They'll be fine,
and it's our weekend away.

I guess.

So... a movie, or room service, or...

Mmm. Could make us sleepy.
Mmm.

Which would prevent us from taking
advantage of this wonderful hotel.

Yeah, and that would be a travesty.

(DANCE MUSIC BLARES)

Emma's made a new friend.

Yep, and now, thanks to Lindsay,
she's blind drunk.

This is quite a party
you've put together, little brother.

Big ups.
Forget this.

This is nothing.

OK, maybe she's put on weight.

Shay, that is not a beer gut.

That's... a baby bump, right?

Could be bloating?
What's bloating?

I don't know! Middle-aged people
always moan about it.

Well, she FaceTimed three times,

and then cried over Dad's column
about stupid waves.

That is not Jan.

That is a woman crazy with hormones.

No way.

She's gotta be pregnant, and if she
is, you know what that means, right?

Do you think Dad knows?

(CRASH!)

What the...

OK, that was so intense.

All good, folks, but, uh, stay back.

What the hell happened?

Oh, bit of a barbecue malfunction.

The gas bottle must've had a leak.

Don't worry, though.

Peak danger has passed and I can
hold it until the boys arrive.

Hey, Shay. How's it going?
Wait, what boys?

(SIREN WAILS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

MAN: (PHONE) George? I'm happy
to report it's all under control.

Monty?

We managed to put the fire out
before we damaged your house.

Fire?!

Although because it's a gas fire,
we've had to deploy the foam unit,

which, I have to say,
was a total success.

Don't get to use the foam very much,
but it really was really effective -

and fun!

Monty? Monty!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Sorry to disturb you,

but as Emma's appointed guardian
in Weld, I felt you should know.

Know what?

That she's fine - now.

She was drunk,
bordering on disorderly,

and is now sleeping it off.

Sorry, did you just say 'drunk'?

Oh, very much, yes.

I will kill her.

I swear I will kill her.

You, miss, are going home
to face the music.

I expected more, I really did.

OK, yeah, I'm sorry, Dad,
but we were...

No, no, just listen.

I thought you two were old enough
to leave alone

and handle things responsibly,
but you let me down.

OK, yes, fair enough, and
I am sorry, but we were distracted.

By what?
Well, something quite distracting.

Is that the best you've got?

It... it is something quite big.

And this is after she was weeping -

yeah, apparently over
your wave column.

That... bump could be anything.

Dad, she was crying for no reason,

and don't say
it was because of your column,

because we all know that isn't true.

I remember Mum telling me
she cried a lot for no reason

when she was pregnant with Arlo.

She hasn't said anything?
Uh-uh.

Well, maybe that's why
she was calling.

Or maybe something's happened
that has got her upset.

And also given her a fat belly.

Dad, if Jan is pregnant...
Which we don't know she is.

Yeah, but if she is,
then it's yours.

Best we find out.

Oh, please say you're gonna
be careful how you word this.

Oh, yeah, Dad, asking a woman if
she's pregnant is very dangerous,

or so I've heard.

Yeah, got that much, and by the way,

this does not deflect from
what happened here last night.

So, in the meantime,
go out and clean up your mess.

Your mess.

(FACETIME RINGS)

Hi, George!

Taylor-Rose! I was hoping for Jan.

She's out of the office again.

Right.
She's at the doctor's.

Is she unwell?

I don't know how much I can say.
Why not?

Because her last words
before she left were,

"If George calls,
don't say anything to him."

She specifically said that?

Something about trying to call you
last night when she was a real mess.

Her words, not mine.

So, does this mean it's yours?

I mean, she's pregnant, right?
Everyone can tell. It's obvious.

And Dr Chan, he's a baby doctor.

So, is it yours, or did she meet
someone when she was over there?

Hello?

Um... no, she hasn't spoken to me.

Oh, well, you're not after an
extension on your deadline, are you?

Because she gets really cranky
these days.

No, I'm not, thank you, Taylor-Rose.

(CALL DISCONNECTS)

It appears that Jan
may indeed be... pregnant.

You spoke to her?

No, but the evidence is there.

So... the baby will be yours, then?

I...I guess that is probably likely.

'Probably'?
Has she got a new boyfriend.

Not that I know of, but she... she was
having an affair with her boss

before she came to Weld, so...

So, it could be his, then?
Well, I don't know.

I know as much as you do,
which is not that much.

JAN: (PHONE) Hi. You've called Jan.
Please leave me a message.

Voicemail.

I think we should keep this
to ourselves

until I find out a bit more, alright?

Yeah, so, I shouldn't mention it
at work, at the Boat Club,

which is where I need to go soon,
to Fiona?

That might be best, yeah.

Great.

I'll finish cleaning up.

Yeah.

I'll give you credit for showing up.

It is my job.
For now.

Meanwhile,
guess what I've been doing.

Well, you drove Emma
back to Stafford.

Mmm, and then I cleaned
the puke out of my car.

She threw up three times.

It had a strange lemony-spicy smell.

I couldn't place it,
and then I realised it was sumac.

Well, thanks for that, by the way.

And then I cleaned out my ears
from the grief my sister gave me

for delivering home a very grumpy
and green-around-the-gills niece.

OK, honestly, it was meant
to be a quiet night at home

and we were gate-crashed by Lindsay.

And she just happened to know that
you were home and George was away?

Well, this is Weld.
People find things out.

You can try to hide stuff,
but it never works.

Yeah, well, lesson learnt.

But you can kiss goodbye to any more
secret meetings with Emma,

because knowing my sister,

she's gonna be in lockdown now
until she's 21.

I take full responsibility for
not shutting down the party, yes,

but I didn't get Emma drunk.

I'm not into that.
Too late, Arlo.

We were hijacked!
Well, what's done is done.

I just hope you're more onto it
about other things.

Like what?

Taking precautions.

Oh, no, please.
We've already had that lecture.

Good, because my sister
would put your head on a pike,

and secondly, you'd probably break
your father's heart.

I don't recall receiving
an application form for the permit.

We filled it in right there
and placed it exactly there,

so how could you
not have received it?

You put it in this tray here?
Yes.

But that's not the right tray
to reach the permitting officer.

That tray is the in-tray
for intra-office communication.

In order to reach me
for permitting issues,

it would have to have
been put in this tray -

the external communication in-tray.

How were we to know that?
By asking me.

There was no-one here
when we put it in the tray.

Our understaffing issues aside,
you'll have to fill out another.

This is deliberate obstruction.

No, it's offering you an opportunity
to rectify your mistake.

No, you should remember that we are
the people you are paid to serve.

We pay your wages.
Unlikely, unless you're rate-payers.

Are you a rate-payer?
You? Are you a rate-payer?

Our parents are.
Not quite the same, is it?

You'll have to fill this out.

Can you just find the one
that we already filled out?

That would mean going through
all the in-trays.

I don't have time for that.

This time,
put it where I can see it.

Where you can see it?

Yes.

JAN: (PHONE) Hi. You've called Jan.
Please leave me a message.

(SIGHS) Damn.

Hiya, mate. Oi.
Woody.

Heard about the fire, mate. Thought
I'd come scope out the damage.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

No, honestly, I'm happy
to do a builder's report

for insurance or whatever you need.

It's fine.

I had a bit of a gander on the way
in and it does not look good...

Woody, we're all good, OK?

Gotcha. Stressful time.
Maybe I'll come back later.

Sure.

Oh, Woody.
Hey! How was the concert?

James Reyne. What an icon.

Concert was great.

Yeah. Shame you had to
come back early, but.

Oh, teenage antics.

Oh, well.
We were all teenagers once.

Sometimes I still feel
like I am a teenager.

(PHONE RINGS)

Are you gonna get that?

Oh, no, it'll just be work stuff.
I'll call them back.

Jan?
Uh... yeah, probably.

Woody's here to assess the damage.
What?

(PHONE CONTINUES TO RING)

Yeah. Yeah.

Shall we go take a look?
Yeah.

Kids, eh?

That could've been
a whole lot worse.

I'm telling you, if the flames
had've got a hold of the house...

Yeah, I know, I know.
Be thankful for small mercies.

Yeah.

(PHONE RINGS)

You don't wanna get that?

Oh, she's probably just chasing up
the column. It can wait.

Well, I'm gonna love youse
and leave youse.

Hey, I'll see if I can track down
a new barbie for you, mate.

Don't worry about that.
What?

A man without a barbie is like...
a pram without a baby.

Yeah, thanks, Woody.
No worries.

So...

OK, I think we need
to have a bit of a talk.

Uh-huh.

I gave Arlo a bit of a lecture
about what happened

and I may have overstepped the mark.

Oh... I'm sure it'll be fine.

No, I mean, I may have come over
as slightly parental,

which I know is not my role.

Arlo will see it for what it was.

I didn't mean to blur
the lines of the relationship.

Don't worry yourself.

George, I reprimanded your child.
It's not my place.

You were affected by his actions.
You are entitled to express that.

Oh... OK.

Are you sure?

Look, come for dinner tonight.
We can talk about it some more.

You don't want to talk now?
Well, I've got to get back.

Oh, Jan, right.
Deadlines.

Tonight, then.
It's a date.

JAN: (PHONE) Hi. You've called Jan.
Please leave me a message.

Arggh!

Hi.
What do you want?

Things got a bit out of hand, eh?
Oh, yeah. Thanks for that.

I was just making sure your social
standing in Weld was good,

and after that,
it is officially solid.

I really don't care.

Come on!

With the barbecue exploding, the
fire brigade coming, and the police,

it's been rated
a ten-out-of-ten party.

Lindsay, I really don't care.
You ruined my weekend.

I really wanted to have fun with Emma
and you screwed that up.

But Emma had fun. She's cool.

Yeah, she is,
and now she's under house arrest,

and I really don't want
or need your social approval.

Maybe not.

Remember, though, that Emma
isn't around much of the time,

but I am, and I'm fun, right?

No, no, no, no, I'm not playing
your games anymore, Lindsay,

'cause I am not interested
in following you around

like the stupid puppy dog
I used to be.

You know, you're cute
when you speak your mind.

You have no idea what is on my mind.

Uh-huh. Well, I'm sorry.
No, you're not.

You know, my whole world
is totally messed up right now,

so you can just back off.

I get that this is a great idea...
It is.

..but it may be too great.

Art can never be too great.

Are you alright?
Yeah, sorry, it's just...

All we're doing is filling in
the form like we were told to.

What could be so wrong with that?

(MACHINERY WHIRRS)

Hi, Jan. It's me again.

It would be really, really good
if you gave me a call.

(FACETIME RINGS)

This is not how I wanted you
to find out, I promise.

So, it's true, then?

Yes, George, it's true.
I'm pregnant.

Were you planning on telling me?

Yeah, of course
I was gonna tell you.

It's just, to be fair,
I didn't find out for weeks,

and then there was a period
of getting used to the idea,

and then there was a period
of summoning the courage.

So, how far along are you?

You mean, are you the father?

It's a fair question, isn't it?

Yes, George. You could be.

Could?

Oh, God! This is awkward.

OK, so, um... I kind of
had break-up sex with Steve

the night before I came to Weld,
so he could also be the one.

I see.

Ironically, his wife is pregnant,

that being the main reason
we called it off.

Wow!
Yeah.

Then again, on the other hand,
it could...

There's someone else?

Oh, my goodness, I sound like I'm
such a hussy, but I swear I'm not!

There is a third possible father?

You remember Guy Fawkes Night
after we broke up?

Well, I was feeling kind of lonely
and rejected, and, well...

('RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES'
BY WAGNER PLAYS)

(SCREAMING)

So, I hear you're single again.

You slept with Zac?

It was more like five seconds
in the sand dunes.

But...
We'd broken up.

That afternoon.
Oh, my god. Maybe I am a hussy!

This is starting to feel surreal.

You know what, I blame Weld. I do.

There is something
in the water there.

Well, is there any way we can find
out who the father is for sure?

The father? No, no, no.

I'm not having
one of those invasive procedures

where they stick a giant needle
into where my babies are growing

just so you guys can sleep easy.

No, I will find out who
the father is after they're born.

'They'?

'Babies'?

Twins, George.
Yeah, I'm having twins.

Twins for my sins.

Have you told Zac?

No, but now the cat's
out of the bag,

yeah, I suppose I should call him.

But here's the thing, George.

No matter what happens,
I'm doing the kids thing on my own.

So, who the father is, it's
important, but it's not significant.

It doesn't really matter right now.
What?

No, it DOES matter.

Whatever happens, those kids
need to know who their father is.

And besides that, surely
you can't hide this from Steve.

I told him they're not his.

So, you know that much.

No, but it's best he thinks that.
He's got more to lose than I do.

I have to go.

What? No, no, we've got
way more to discuss here.

No. I have to GO.

I have two babies pressing down
on my bladder.

This is the stuff
they don't tell you about.

Take care, George.

This is a big mess, I know.

(CALL DISCONNECTS)

(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)

WOODY: Thought
I'd find you down here.

Went up to the house -
the car was gone, and your board,

and I thought,
"I bet George has gone for a surf."

Very perceptive.
Yeah.

And I thought, "That's a bit weird,

"'cause the surf forecast
was crapola,"

but here you are.

I am.

Hey. Found you a new barbie, mate.

Oh, thanks, Woody.

It's nothing much, but it'll work.

Probably won't explode or anything.

Well, that's good.

Last thing I need
is another explosion.

Gee! That surf is really crap!

Yep.

I admire your optimism, mate.

I came here to think.

Ahh. Thinking time.
Bit of me time. I get that.

Jan's pregnant.
Jan's pregnant. What?!

Jan's pregnant?

Well, I can see
how that could take some thinking!

This is an illegal act.

How is it illegal?

He hasn't filled in the form.

Uh, I AM filling it in.

You told me
put it where you can see it,

and, uh... yep, you're seeing it.

No, it isn't THE form. Tell him.

Well, it looks like a form.

No, it's an artistic expression
of a form,

which can't be allowed until
the non-artistic version of THE form

has been correctly filed.

Right.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
some actual police work to do.

You're on your way to buy a pie!
Important police work.

That's my boy! Rattling the cage
and pushing through the barricades.

He's making sure you don't lose it,
like the last one.

It doesn't work like that.
Oh, back off, Sean!

He's just doing
what he was told to do.

But not correctly.
A form's a form, Sean.

Not if it's on a wall, Brenda.
And it's my wall and I like it.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello, Jan. How's it going?

Three guys?

Wow! Who knew Jan was...

They're mine.
Well, you sound sure.

'Cause I am.

Yeah, but if there's three
candidates, what makes you the one?

Because they're twins.
And...

Twins run in my family
on my mother's side.

Oh, I can see how
that might be a sign...

You know, the weird thing is kids
have been a highlight of my life.

I love my kids, but mine are almost
ready to spread their wings,

and if Jan's kids are mine, then...

Yeah, it kind of throws you
back to the beginning.

..I'll be starting all over again.

Yeah, but I mean, it's a bit late
to be thinking about that.

On a fundamental level,
sex equals babies, mate.

If you don't wanna be having babies,
you gotta put a tarp on it,

otherwise it's just
a bit... reckless.

Did you not put a tarp on?
I did.

Good.
Except for the first time.

Oh, George!
It was unexpected.

But that's all it takes, mate,
is one time!

Yeah, well, thank you, Woody.
Right now I am keenly aware of that.

BRENDA: Why do I need a permit
to paint my own wall?

Because otherwise, Brenda,
there will be visual anarchy.

Well, that's not a phone call
you get every day.

In fact, it's only the fourth time
I've ever had it.

What?

I'm gonna be a father again.
Jan's pregnant.

To you.
Twice, really. She's having twins.

Hey, son! You're gonna have little
brothers or sisters or one of each.

What?!

Wait, you slept with Jan?
Only once.

But she was with my dad.
No, they'd called it off by then.

Twins?
Nothing wrong with twins.

I've never had them before,

although I do wonder what
the child support implications are.

And you had the nerve to lecture me

about getting pregnant
and trapping Ike!

That was completely different.
How?

It just is.
How?

Well, for starters, I'm part of
a possible trifecta of fathers -

me, Steve, and your dad.

SEAN: Steve,
the barman from the RSA?

No, Steve, her married boss she was
having an affair with in Sydney.

Oh!
Told you Jan had a wild side.

You did.
But it'll be me.

My swimmers are very strong,
and it was Guy Fawkes Night,

and on the GFN,
you shoot and... you score.

Twins.
Yeah. Cool, huh?

Um...
Uh... well...

If the little tykes are yours,

will Jan move back here, or will you
have to go back to Sydney?

Currently neither.
Jan doesn't want the father involved.

What? No, no, no. That won't do.

That's what she wants.
Well, how do you feel about that?

Woody, I feel a lot of things
at the moment.

Most would be best labelled
as 'overwhelmed'.

The thought of having kids that
I didn't contemplate is just...

Weird, eh?

May not be up to me
is all I'm saying.

Yeah, but you should
have some say, George.

Well, until there's some certainty,
how can I have a say?

Well, for what it's worth,
I reckon she should move back here.

Weld is a great place to raise kids,

and I am more than happy to whack
another room on the house, or two.

SEAN: All I'm saying is that

if everyone painted
what they wanted to on their walls,

Weld would be an ocular fiasco.

BRENDA: It's still my wall.

Sean, customer.

Hi. Ta.

Katie.

Your ex is something, isn't he?

Sorry?
Zac.

What about him?
It was just the one time too.

The one time what?
Brenda, that is gossip.

No, it's not. It's out
in the open now, so it's fact.

But it's also partially gossip

in that Jan cannot say with
any certainty that Zac is the one.

The one what?

He seemed pretty sure,
and it is Zac.

True, yes, he has form,

but that doesn't mean we can discount
George and Steve in Sydney.

What on earth
are you two talking about?

Twins?
Yeah, cool, eh?

So, are you actually
gonna be around this time?

Well, hey, that's not entirely fair.

Oh, have you heard?
Mr Fertile's struck again.

Yeah, I just heard, but I also heard
there were other contenders.

But they'll be mine.
It was Guy Fawkes Night.

What other contenders?

George,
and some other guy from Aussie.

But it'll be me, and for the record,
I am an awesome father.

Yeah, except for at the beginning
with all the hands-on stuff.

Am I right?
That is true.

Yeah, well, luckily this time, Jan
wants to do all that stuff herself,

so I'll just swoop on in
when they need a male role model.

What? That's what she wants.

I can't even believe you went there.

George and Jan were over
for, like, five minutes

and you were in like Flynn.

It was Guy Fawkes Night.

Eugh!

Of course, on top of all this,
how am I gonna tell Fiona?

Yeah, that is a tricky one.

I mean, I really like her.
There's something special there.

Mmm.
And now this? This can't help that.

Having kids to an old relationship
when you're in a new relationship?

I'm guessing
that's a bit of a minefield.

So, in the interests of courtesy,

I'd really appreciate you
keeping this quiet,

at least till I've had a chance
to speak to Fiona.

Look, I'm not a big fan of secrets,

but sometimes a secret
is a piece of information

waiting to find its place
in the world.

Yeah.

And until then,
it needs to just stay hidden,

and if you need a guardian
to look after that information,

then, yeah, I'll take that on
for you, no questions asked.

You mean the secret's safe with you?

I couldn't have put that
better myself, mate.

Now, come on, bring it in.

Don't stress out.
Thanks, Woody.

Let me know when you want me
to get started on those extensions.

See you.

How's things?
Fine. I'm almost done.

And at home?
Home's fine. Why?

Good! Cool.

But it must be pretty intense,
finding out about the, you know...

"The, you know"?
You know. The Jan thing.

Oh! How do you...

It must be pretty weird, right?

Like everything I've ever known
as normal is about to be rewritten.

How did you hear about it?

Arlo, this is Weld.
Do I need to say more?

Everyone knows about the Jan thing.

What Jan thing?

Hey.
Dad.

Hi. What do you think?

It's set for two people.

Yes.

So, would you prefer it
if we were somewhere else?

Thanks, yes.

Fiona's coming over.
I need to break the news.

Where have you been all day?

Went to the beach
to do some thinking.

That makes sense.

Dad, you don't need to tell Fiona.

You didn't.
No, I didn't.

Dad, we live in Weld. The whole
town's already talking about it.

Oh.

Who's paying for this?

I believe this round is on Zac.
Says who?

I think it'd be a manly gesture,

in keeping with
your unquestionable virility.

Round of drinks
says a lot about a man.

Yeah, that he just got paid.

It's gonna be a statement

that you are still Weld's
king of impregnation.

Well, that's never been in doubt.

Or not, now you've got a challenger
for that mantle in George Turner.

Or this Aussie Steve bloke.

No, it's mine. My shout.

Steady on a second.
Where'd you get that crap from?

I mean, whatever crap it is
that youse are talking about.

Two more kids. Imagine the horror.

Woody, where have you been all day?

Well, I've been finding
a new unexploding barbie for George.

So, you've spoken to him?
Yeah, about barbecues and stuff.

Four kids in total. Living hell.

They're not his, Bill!
So, he didn't mention this?

Mention what?
About Jan being pregnant.

Utter living hell.

Hang on, how do we know that this
isn't just idle speculation, huh?

Who even says that Jan's pregnant?

Well, Susie told me.
Oh, yeah - gossip!

I heard it from Billy,
who heard it from Ike.

Absolute rubbish.

Zac told me.
And I heard it from Jan, so...

I gotta take a slash.
Well, I think it's a great thing.

Couple of little additions
to the metropolis of Weld.

How that that be a bad thing?

Be good for the school roll,
eh, Tracey?

Eventually.

Yeah, and real estate prices always
go up when demand exceeds supply.

Excellent long-term view, Dad.

I'm here for the long-haul, sweetie,

and like Zac, kids keep you young
when you're growing old.

Here's to population growth.

Thank you, Zac.

Or George,
or that Steve guy from Sydney.

No, they're mine.

Does Fiona know?
Yep.

Ouch!
Yeah.

Does Fiona know what?

At my age, when you're the youngest,

you think you will
always be the youngest.

It's kind of programmed
into my brain.

Well, get unprogramming,
not-so-little bro.

Once we were two, soon to be four.

Well, unless it's Zac's,
or Steve whoever.

God, imagine if Mum was here.

If Mum was here,
this wouldn't have happened.

True that.

You know what's really, really weird?

What can be weirder than our dad
starting a new family?

Well, that he's seemed happier
just recently

more than at any time since Mum died.

Don't you think?

And now this.

And now this.

GEORGE: They say that
what you don't know can't hurt you.

That ignorance is bliss.

But ignorance is also a hand grenade
with the pin waiting to be pulled.

And when it's pulled...

There will be a heap of pain.

So... what are you gonna do?

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