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1
00:00:01,493 --> 00:00:03,013
I don't want to look.
2
00:00:03,057 --> 00:00:04,791
Hey, come on.
This is a win-win.
3
00:00:04,793 --> 00:00:07,427
If it's positive, awesome.
We're having a baby.
4
00:00:07,429 --> 00:00:08,478
I want to name it Frisbee.
5
00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:10,397
If it's negative, awesome.
6
00:00:10,399 --> 00:00:12,065
We're not going to fight
about the name Frisbee,
7
00:00:12,067 --> 00:00:14,401
and we get disco fries
for breakfast,
8
00:00:14,403 --> 00:00:17,203
'cause we're sad.
9
00:00:19,824 --> 00:00:21,858
I bet it's me.
All those years trying to get
10
00:00:21,860 --> 00:00:23,827
on America's funniesthome videos.
11
00:00:23,829 --> 00:00:25,311
Oh!
12
00:00:25,313 --> 00:00:26,312
[Grunts]
13
00:00:26,314 --> 00:00:28,531
[Groans]
14
00:00:28,533 --> 00:00:29,783
Ah!
15
00:00:29,785 --> 00:00:30,834
It's just not fair.
16
00:00:30,836 --> 00:00:32,752
I mean, that guy
gets a baby?
17
00:00:32,754 --> 00:00:35,588
What kind of idiot
gives a little kid orange soda?
18
00:00:35,590 --> 00:00:37,290
Hey, dummies.
19
00:00:37,292 --> 00:00:39,826
- Hey, Dennis.
- Hey, buddy.
20
00:00:39,828 --> 00:00:42,011
Why do you have a baby?
Is this a scam?
21
00:00:42,013 --> 00:00:43,346
I don't need any scams.
22
00:00:43,348 --> 00:00:45,265
I got a brand new business
selling suicide insurance,
23
00:00:45,267 --> 00:00:46,299
and it's going great.
24
00:00:46,301 --> 00:00:48,802
And this baby?
This is my adopted son.
25
00:00:48,804 --> 00:00:50,470
Obviously he's going
to be an athlete,
26
00:00:50,472 --> 00:00:53,673
so I only gotta save up
for, like, one year of college.
27
00:00:53,675 --> 00:00:55,642
Wait, they let you
adopt a baby?
28
00:00:55,644 --> 00:00:58,511
If by "they," you mean
those guys or whatever,
29
00:00:58,513 --> 00:01:01,214
yeah, they let me
and my wife adopt a baby.
30
00:01:01,216 --> 00:01:03,383
You remember Megan Duffy?
Maiden name Duffy...
31
00:01:03,385 --> 00:01:04,551
Hopefully no relation.
32
00:01:04,553 --> 00:01:06,853
I recognize you two.
Did we have a four-way?
33
00:01:06,855 --> 00:01:08,455
No, St. Paddy's Day,
remember, honey?
34
00:01:08,457 --> 00:01:09,689
Wait, it is?
35
00:01:09,691 --> 00:01:13,226
[Laughs]
36
00:01:13,228 --> 00:01:14,594
Yeah, we decided to adopt
37
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:16,396
'cause Megan's real
career oriented right now,
38
00:01:16,398 --> 00:01:17,730
didn't want
to wreck her boobs.
39
00:01:17,732 --> 00:01:20,333
Couple months later, boom.
We got Black Dennis.
40
00:01:20,335 --> 00:01:22,836
His name is Black Dennis?
That is racist.
41
00:01:22,838 --> 00:01:24,003
Yeah, right, Liz.
42
00:01:24,005 --> 00:01:27,307
The guy with the black son
is racist.
43
00:01:27,309 --> 00:01:28,575
Later days, dummies.
44
00:01:28,577 --> 00:01:30,844
21st century family
coming through.
45
00:01:30,846 --> 00:01:32,412
This is the new normal.
46
00:01:32,414 --> 00:01:35,415
[Exciting jazz music]
47
00:01:35,417 --> 00:01:37,017
48
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
49
00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:47,873
30 ROCK
S07 Ep07 - Mazel Tov, Dummies!
50
00:01:47,965 --> 00:01:50,665
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
51
00:01:50,731 --> 00:01:53,867
Tray, have you read
any of these movie scripts yet?
52
00:01:53,869 --> 00:01:55,768
Yeah, I read the one
about a handsome genius
53
00:01:55,770 --> 00:01:58,104
who lied to two idiots
about reading scripts.
54
00:01:58,106 --> 00:02:00,773
You've got to choose the next
project for your company,
55
00:02:00,775 --> 00:02:02,842
"dammit I'll pick a name later
dotcom productions."
56
00:02:02,844 --> 00:02:04,143
You have pitch meetings
all morning.
57
00:02:04,145 --> 00:02:05,478
Okay, it's almost 11:00.
58
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:06,779
Please send in
my 8:00.
59
00:02:06,781 --> 00:02:08,681
While on holiday
in Tuscany,
60
00:02:08,683 --> 00:02:10,750
a middle-aged divorcee
falls in love
61
00:02:10,752 --> 00:02:12,552
with a lazy pervert
who's into hats.
62
00:02:12,554 --> 00:02:14,420
In a world
with too much freedom,
63
00:02:14,422 --> 00:02:16,756
one young man
dared to be different.
64
00:02:16,758 --> 00:02:20,259
"Hitler, colon,
the boy who dreamed of stars."
65
00:02:20,261 --> 00:02:24,597
It's a Harriet Tubman biopic,
entitled the Moses of Maryland...
66
00:02:24,599 --> 00:02:26,449
I'll buy it.
67
00:02:26,451 --> 00:02:28,201
Sorry, I was talking
on my Bluetooth
68
00:02:28,203 --> 00:02:30,119
to a guy
at the octopus auction.
69
00:02:30,121 --> 00:02:31,437
I hate your idea.
70
00:02:31,439 --> 00:02:34,374
Tracy, NBC Universal
has acquired the film rights
71
00:02:34,376 --> 00:02:38,161
to the YouTube clip,
"Man loses pants on trampoline."
72
00:02:38,163 --> 00:02:41,297
How would you like
to be the voice of gaboing,
73
00:02:41,299 --> 00:02:45,418
the evil wizard who would
take jumping away from jumpland?
74
00:02:45,420 --> 00:02:47,470
Thank you for coming in.
75
00:02:47,472 --> 00:02:50,256
Running a movie studio
is exhausting.
76
00:02:50,258 --> 00:02:51,507
I need a nap.
77
00:02:51,509 --> 00:02:54,427
Dotcom, tell us
your most interesting story.
78
00:02:54,429 --> 00:02:55,812
Sorry, Tray.
79
00:02:55,814 --> 00:02:58,314
The next item on the agenda
is your insurance physical.
80
00:02:58,316 --> 00:03:02,268
Great.
Worst day ever.
81
00:03:05,072 --> 00:03:08,191
I mean, my name has been
on adoption lists for years.
82
00:03:08,193 --> 00:03:10,743
But Dennis Duffy gets a baby
because he's married?
83
00:03:10,745 --> 00:03:11,861
It's idiotic.
84
00:03:11,863 --> 00:03:13,980
You know who else was married?
Ted Bundy.
85
00:03:13,982 --> 00:03:16,499
- I don't think so, Liz.
- Really? So handsome.
86
00:03:16,501 --> 00:03:18,201
Is he still alive?
87
00:03:18,203 --> 00:03:21,287
The point is,
anyone can get married.
88
00:03:21,289 --> 00:03:22,922
What, all of a sudden
you're a better parent
89
00:03:22,924 --> 00:03:24,624
because you signed
a piece of paper?
90
00:03:24,626 --> 00:03:25,959
Yeah, we're as committed
to each other
91
00:03:25,961 --> 00:03:27,126
as any married couple.
92
00:03:27,128 --> 00:03:28,595
We live together,
we love each other.
93
00:03:28,597 --> 00:03:30,096
I ignore it
when you eat popsicles
94
00:03:30,098 --> 00:03:32,632
by biting them with your teeth,
which is insane...
95
00:03:32,634 --> 00:03:33,883
I love popsicles.
96
00:03:33,885 --> 00:03:35,835
We might as well
be married, so...
97
00:03:35,837 --> 00:03:38,354
So let's do it.
98
00:03:38,356 --> 00:03:40,506
Let's get married,
like every other idiot on Earth.
99
00:03:40,508 --> 00:03:43,142
Me need a piece of paper
to know how to feel.
100
00:03:43,144 --> 00:03:46,145
Der, Liz marry Criss?
101
00:03:46,147 --> 00:03:47,513
- Doy.
- Er.
102
00:03:47,515 --> 00:03:49,232
Ey...
Wait, was that a yes?
103
00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:50,233
Are we getting married?
104
00:03:50,235 --> 00:03:51,484
Yeah, let's do this.
105
00:03:51,486 --> 00:03:53,202
We get a license today,
get married tomorrow.
106
00:03:53,204 --> 00:03:55,872
Blammo.
Engaged.
107
00:03:55,874 --> 00:03:57,874
Top gun style.
108
00:03:57,876 --> 00:03:59,208
Thank you.
109
00:03:59,210 --> 00:04:01,828
Jenna Maroney,
you are my slave.
110
00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:03,079
What?
111
00:04:03,081 --> 00:04:05,031
But the sheik who won me
in that poker game was beheaded.
112
00:04:05,033 --> 00:04:06,198
No, do you remember
in 1994,
113
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,534
you made a commercial
for Surge cola?
114
00:04:08,536 --> 00:04:10,169
For 100 surge points,
I got these shades.
115
00:04:10,171 --> 00:04:11,421
Oh yeah?
116
00:04:11,423 --> 00:04:14,223
For 500 surge points,
I got this leather jacket.
117
00:04:14,225 --> 00:04:15,875
I can beat that.
[Whistles]
118
00:04:15,877 --> 00:04:17,894
For a million points,
he got me.
119
00:04:17,896 --> 00:04:20,263
Surge.
Suck it down.
120
00:04:20,265 --> 00:04:22,181
Oh, I remember that.
121
00:04:22,183 --> 00:04:24,851
My boyfriend was supposed
to pick me up after that shoot,
122
00:04:24,853 --> 00:04:26,069
so I called him,
and I was like,
123
00:04:26,071 --> 00:04:27,937
"O. J., where are you?"
And he was like,
124
00:04:27,939 --> 00:04:29,722
"wait, you're alive?
Then who did I kill?"
125
00:04:29,724 --> 00:04:32,725
For 17 years, I've been buying
up old cases of surge cola,
126
00:04:32,727 --> 00:04:35,078
and now I have
one million surge points.
127
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:38,898
And that means
I own you.
128
00:04:41,902 --> 00:04:45,004
Hey, Jack.
Do I look positively glowing?
129
00:04:45,006 --> 00:04:46,739
Well, you do have
the wind-battered face
130
00:04:46,741 --> 00:04:49,258
of a New England cod fisherman,
if that's what you're asking.
131
00:04:49,260 --> 00:04:52,095
No, I'm getting married.
Jeez.
132
00:04:52,097 --> 00:04:55,765
Lemon, that is wonderful.
To Criss, right?
133
00:04:55,767 --> 00:04:57,850
This isn't one of those
Internet marriage scams
134
00:04:57,852 --> 00:04:59,135
where they prey
on the elderly?
135
00:04:59,137 --> 00:05:00,219
Yes, to Criss.
136
00:05:00,221 --> 00:05:02,071
Then wonderful.
137
00:05:02,073 --> 00:05:03,355
No, but the wedding
is not a deal.
138
00:05:03,357 --> 00:05:04,690
I mean, it's just a...
139
00:05:04,692 --> 00:05:06,859
Oh, my God, this is
the best hug I've ever had.
140
00:05:06,861 --> 00:05:08,378
I know.
141
00:05:08,380 --> 00:05:10,663
Anyway, it's just a formality,
for if we want to adopt.
142
00:05:10,665 --> 00:05:11,748
We're going down
to city hall tomorrow.
143
00:05:11,750 --> 00:05:12,832
It's no big whoop.
144
00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:15,051
But it should be
a very big whoop.
145
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,469
Lemon, this is
your special day.
146
00:05:16,471 --> 00:05:18,388
Plan a real wedding.
147
00:05:18,390 --> 00:05:19,972
I'll get Tony Bennett to sing.
148
00:05:19,974 --> 00:05:22,725
I saved his life
in an illegal pai gow game once.
149
00:05:22,727 --> 00:05:24,043
He owes me a favor.
150
00:05:24,045 --> 00:05:25,895
And you can wear that
wedding dress that you bought...
151
00:05:25,897 --> 00:05:27,046
No, I can't.
152
00:05:27,048 --> 00:05:28,398
I got rid of that
after hurricane Irene.
153
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,066
I had forgotten
to stock up on toilet paper,
154
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:32,435
but I had remembered
to stock up on seven layer dip...
155
00:05:32,437 --> 00:05:33,820
I got it.
156
00:05:33,822 --> 00:05:34,821
You know, I just
don't care about this stuff.
157
00:05:34,823 --> 00:05:36,222
I don't want a "special day."
158
00:05:36,224 --> 00:05:37,690
I don't want
to be a princess.
159
00:05:37,692 --> 00:05:39,192
But Lemon, you were
a little girl once.
160
00:05:39,194 --> 00:05:40,476
Didn't you dream
about your wedding?
161
00:05:40,478 --> 00:05:41,761
In my own way.
162
00:05:41,763 --> 00:05:44,363
Sol Rosenbear and I
would like to thank everyone
163
00:05:44,365 --> 00:05:46,532
for coming
to our destination wedding
164
00:05:46,534 --> 00:05:47,933
here on the love boat.
165
00:05:47,935 --> 00:05:50,269
Unfortunately,
Sol has discovered
166
00:05:50,271 --> 00:05:53,039
my previous relationship
with gopher,
167
00:05:53,041 --> 00:05:54,824
so he will be
seeking an annulment
168
00:05:54,826 --> 00:05:56,942
once we reach
Puerto Vallarta.
169
00:05:56,944 --> 00:06:00,129
I realized a long time ago
that weddings aren't about love.
170
00:06:00,131 --> 00:06:03,666
They're just a giant industry
that preys on gender stereotypes
171
00:06:03,668 --> 00:06:06,169
to make adult women
spend a ton of money
172
00:06:06,171 --> 00:06:07,920
and act like selfish children.
173
00:06:07,922 --> 00:06:10,456
I mean, have you seen
Wedding bitches on Bravo?
174
00:06:10,458 --> 00:06:12,425
Maybe there's not
going to be a wedding.
175
00:06:12,427 --> 00:06:14,060
You're ruining
my special day.
176
00:06:14,062 --> 00:06:17,430
Ma, what the [Bleep]
are you wearing?
177
00:06:17,432 --> 00:06:19,632
I remember when Bravo
used to air operas.
178
00:06:19,634 --> 00:06:20,817
I reject
the wedding industry's
179
00:06:20,819 --> 00:06:23,436
phallocentric
fairy tale grotesquerie.
180
00:06:23,438 --> 00:06:25,571
So tomorrow,
Liz Lemon is getting married
181
00:06:25,573 --> 00:06:27,356
in a sweatshirt, no bra.
182
00:06:27,358 --> 00:06:28,608
Oh, for God's sakes, Lemon,
183
00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:30,777
don't take a stand
about your own wedding.
184
00:06:30,779 --> 00:06:32,311
Think about that kid
you're trying to adopt.
185
00:06:32,313 --> 00:06:34,664
What will you tell him
if he asks to see pictures?
186
00:06:34,666 --> 00:06:38,334
I will tell her or it
that I took an amazing stand
187
00:06:38,336 --> 00:06:41,087
against the wedding
industrial complex.
188
00:06:41,089 --> 00:06:43,673
We are registered
at Popcorn Palace.
189
00:06:53,166 --> 00:06:54,217
All right.
190
00:06:54,219 --> 00:06:55,334
Now that I've finished
191
00:06:55,336 --> 00:06:57,436
with my handwriting sample
for the FBI,
192
00:06:57,438 --> 00:07:00,356
let's look
at your test results.
193
00:07:00,358 --> 00:07:02,007
Oh, this is puzzling, Tracy.
194
00:07:02,009 --> 00:07:04,360
There doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with you at all.
195
00:07:04,362 --> 00:07:05,478
What?
196
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,646
I guess we've replaced
197
00:07:06,648 --> 00:07:07,897
so much of you
over the years
198
00:07:07,899 --> 00:07:10,199
that you're maybe
not you anymore,
199
00:07:10,201 --> 00:07:11,567
but you're healthy.
200
00:07:11,569 --> 00:07:13,686
No, this isn't happening.
201
00:07:13,688 --> 00:07:15,020
This is good news.
202
00:07:15,022 --> 00:07:17,022
No, it's not.
203
00:07:17,024 --> 00:07:18,908
I always assumed
I'd die young,
204
00:07:18,910 --> 00:07:21,878
because, you know,
I look so much like James Dean.
205
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,881
And that gave me the freedom
to live without consequences.
206
00:07:24,883 --> 00:07:26,749
That's why I'm always
breaking the law,
207
00:07:26,751 --> 00:07:29,252
buying exotic sharks,
forgetting to feed them,
208
00:07:29,254 --> 00:07:30,670
and then trying to hug them.
209
00:07:30,672 --> 00:07:32,471
I couldn't do
cool stuff like that
210
00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:35,007
if I knew I'd be alive for...
211
00:07:35,009 --> 00:07:36,709
How many years,
Dr. Spaceman?
212
00:07:36,711 --> 00:07:39,044
40, maybe 50.
213
00:07:39,046 --> 00:07:40,880
- [Sighs]
- I'm sorry.
214
00:07:40,882 --> 00:07:42,598
Look, I'm not happy
about this, either.
215
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,317
The money I've made
off your health problems
216
00:07:44,319 --> 00:07:46,569
has put me almost all the way
through medical school.
217
00:07:46,571 --> 00:07:48,888
I'm going to have to start
living like there's a tomorrow.
218
00:07:48,890 --> 00:07:51,941
Open an I.R.A.
Brush my teeth.
219
00:07:51,943 --> 00:07:54,076
Drink eight glasses a day
of that stuff.
220
00:07:54,078 --> 00:07:56,779
You know,
clear bathtub juice?
221
00:07:56,781 --> 00:07:58,497
Tracy, I'm afraid
I don't have a pamphlet
222
00:07:58,499 --> 00:07:59,782
to help you
get through this.
223
00:07:59,784 --> 00:08:02,201
But I do have a pamphlet
that has a bunch
224
00:08:02,203 --> 00:08:04,069
of drawings of vaginas.
225
00:08:04,071 --> 00:08:06,556
I'll take it.
226
00:08:10,830 --> 00:08:12,330
To make a long story short,
227
00:08:12,372 --> 00:08:14,790
I need to be let out
of my TGS contract.
228
00:08:14,792 --> 00:08:17,543
I'm moving to Arizona to be
with my new slave master, Terry,
229
00:08:17,545 --> 00:08:19,294
to live in a birdcage
he built.
230
00:08:19,296 --> 00:08:20,579
Ah, why don't you both
have a seat?
231
00:08:20,581 --> 00:08:22,881
You may sit.
232
00:08:22,883 --> 00:08:24,833
Now, Terry, I suspect
you know it's illegal
233
00:08:24,835 --> 00:08:27,019
for someone to own
another human being.
234
00:08:27,021 --> 00:08:29,588
Fine, but according
to the contest rules.
235
00:08:29,590 --> 00:08:34,092
Either I collect my prize,
or her equivalent cash value.
236
00:08:34,094 --> 00:08:35,260
Ah, I see.
237
00:08:35,262 --> 00:08:36,395
So you'd be just as happy
with the money.
238
00:08:36,397 --> 00:08:39,297
Terry, is this true?
239
00:08:39,299 --> 00:08:41,350
I've done the math,
and taking into account
240
00:08:41,352 --> 00:08:43,569
Jenna's salary
and earning potential,
241
00:08:43,571 --> 00:08:48,106
I've calculated
that she's worth $800,000.
242
00:08:48,108 --> 00:08:51,660
Uh, let's say Jenna
was worth that in her prime.
243
00:08:51,662 --> 00:08:53,278
That was ten years ago.
244
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:54,613
[Clears throat]
245
00:08:54,615 --> 00:08:56,648
She has certainly
depreciated since then.
246
00:08:56,650 --> 00:08:59,368
Jenna is becoming
more unemployable by the moment.
247
00:08:59,370 --> 00:09:02,054
And thanks to decades
of partying,
248
00:09:02,056 --> 00:09:04,206
Jenna's internal organs
will get you nothing
249
00:09:04,208 --> 00:09:05,323
on the black market.
250
00:09:05,325 --> 00:09:07,209
She's an emotional
train wreck.
251
00:09:07,211 --> 00:09:09,327
Daddy, why are you
doing this?
252
00:09:09,329 --> 00:09:12,664
A seventh grade education,
hepatitis D,
253
00:09:12,666 --> 00:09:16,134
bullet in jaw,
fatwa, credit card debt,
254
00:09:16,136 --> 00:09:18,136
wanted by the Yakuza...
255
00:09:18,138 --> 00:09:22,975
Jenna Maroney is worth...
256
00:09:22,977 --> 00:09:24,126
$2,000.
257
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:26,228
Fine.
258
00:09:26,230 --> 00:09:28,030
In Arizona, two grand
will buy me a castle
259
00:09:28,032 --> 00:09:29,147
and a pillowcase
full of meth.
260
00:09:32,785 --> 00:09:34,987
Make it out
to "Doomsday Enterprises."
261
00:09:34,989 --> 00:09:35,988
[Tony Bennett's
Don't get around much anymore]
262
00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:39,207
Missed the Saturday dance
263
00:09:39,209 --> 00:09:42,027
heard they
crowded the floor
264
00:09:42,029 --> 00:09:43,528
[Sobbing]
265
00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:48,583
Couldn't bear it
without you
266
00:09:48,585 --> 00:09:54,539
don't get around
much anymore
267
00:09:54,541 --> 00:09:59,227
darling, I guess
268
00:09:59,229 --> 00:10:03,849
my mind's more at ease
269
00:10:03,851 --> 00:10:07,653
but nevertheless
270
00:10:07,655 --> 00:10:11,222
why stir up memories?
271
00:10:12,943 --> 00:10:15,193
Goodbye, bitey.
272
00:10:15,195 --> 00:10:17,245
Well, I guess I need
to read all of these scripts
273
00:10:17,247 --> 00:10:19,681
to determine which one
has the greatest probability
274
00:10:19,683 --> 00:10:24,202
of succeeding in this ever
changing global marketplace.
275
00:10:24,204 --> 00:10:25,837
I used to only
say stuff like that
276
00:10:25,839 --> 00:10:27,405
in my white nerd voice.
277
00:10:27,407 --> 00:10:32,294
Don't get around
much anymore
278
00:10:36,415 --> 00:10:37,933
Jeez, I feel like
we're at a Deli.
279
00:10:37,935 --> 00:10:41,053
Deli?
Save it for the honeymoon.
280
00:10:41,055 --> 00:10:43,105
Okay, you take our paperwork
to the clerk,
281
00:10:43,107 --> 00:10:45,057
because black women
love you.
282
00:10:45,059 --> 00:10:47,425
Oh, I see you over there,
you little gumdrop.
283
00:10:47,427 --> 00:10:49,478
Don't hide from Shanice.
284
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,947
I'll get us some witnesses,
and then we'll get married,
285
00:10:51,949 --> 00:10:53,615
and magically become
amazing parents,
286
00:10:53,617 --> 00:10:56,401
just like the Hiltons.
287
00:10:56,403 --> 00:11:00,739
Oh, here he comes.
Mm, mm, mm.
288
00:11:00,741 --> 00:11:03,742
I'll give you a bath
in the sink, like a baby.
289
00:11:03,744 --> 00:11:06,277
Ooh-wee!
290
00:11:06,279 --> 00:11:08,613
Excuse me,
what number are you guys?
291
00:11:08,615 --> 00:11:10,332
Would you be able to stay
and be our witnesses?
292
00:11:10,334 --> 00:11:12,467
You really didn't invite
anyone to your wedding?
293
00:11:12,469 --> 00:11:14,336
No, I mean,
who cares, right?
294
00:11:14,338 --> 00:11:15,387
We're at City Hall.
295
00:11:15,389 --> 00:11:16,805
You guys are
wearing mets T-shirts.
296
00:11:16,807 --> 00:11:19,290
Yeah, 'cause we were
wearing them when we first...
297
00:11:19,292 --> 00:11:20,291
Both: Met.
298
00:11:20,293 --> 00:11:21,459
My God,
you're beautiful.
299
00:11:21,461 --> 00:11:25,063
This is the greatest day
of my life.
300
00:11:25,065 --> 00:11:26,631
Now, let me guess.
301
00:11:26,633 --> 00:11:29,134
You guys are dressed like that
'cause you met at a laundromat
302
00:11:29,136 --> 00:11:30,769
after you both ran out
of clean clothes.
303
00:11:30,771 --> 00:11:33,188
No, it's 'cause this is
just a piece of paper.
304
00:11:33,190 --> 00:11:35,907
Oh, that's us!
That's our number!
305
00:11:35,909 --> 00:11:39,161
Come on,
our number.
306
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,319
You okay?
307
00:11:48,321 --> 00:11:49,588
Yeah, you know,
I just thought
308
00:11:49,590 --> 00:11:50,989
there'd be more people here
in gym clothes
309
00:11:50,991 --> 00:11:52,674
carrying bags
full of toilet paper.
310
00:11:52,676 --> 00:11:54,292
Look, we don't have
to do it this way.
311
00:11:54,294 --> 00:11:55,877
You know, I always imagined
getting married
312
00:11:55,879 --> 00:11:56,878
right when they
take your picture
313
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,329
on splash mountain.
314
00:11:58,331 --> 00:11:59,798
But weddings are
about the bride,
315
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,133
so if you want
your special day...
316
00:12:01,135 --> 00:12:02,500
I don't need
a special day.
317
00:12:02,502 --> 00:12:03,635
You know, the first wedding
I ever went to,
318
00:12:03,637 --> 00:12:05,687
I was a flower girl
for my Aunt Linda.
319
00:12:05,689 --> 00:12:07,439
When they said,
"you may now kiss the bride,"
320
00:12:07,441 --> 00:12:09,174
I did my first ever eye roll.
321
00:12:11,444 --> 00:12:13,979
And today, I honor
that little girl's eye roll
322
00:12:13,981 --> 00:12:15,680
with this masterpiece.
323
00:12:15,682 --> 00:12:18,683
[Richard Strauss'
Also sprach Zarathustra plays]
324
00:12:18,685 --> 00:12:23,121
325
00:12:23,123 --> 00:12:26,124
That's how much Liz Lemon cares
about having a special day.
326
00:12:26,126 --> 00:12:28,493
Great, 'cause I
forgot my birth certificate.
327
00:12:28,495 --> 00:12:29,578
Are you kidding me, Chros?
328
00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:30,796
And even though
Shanice said
329
00:12:30,798 --> 00:12:32,047
she'd let it slide
if I sat on her hand,
330
00:12:32,049 --> 00:12:33,048
[phone buzzing]
331
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:34,382
What?
332
00:12:34,384 --> 00:12:35,717
Liz Lemon, I haven't seen
anything in the news
333
00:12:35,719 --> 00:12:38,703
about attitudes towards marriage
changing forever
334
00:12:38,705 --> 00:12:40,222
because of one brave woman.
335
00:12:40,224 --> 00:12:41,539
Is everything okay?
336
00:12:41,541 --> 00:12:42,540
Everything's fine.
337
00:12:42,542 --> 00:12:43,892
I emailed Tony Bennett,
338
00:12:43,894 --> 00:12:45,376
just in case
you came to your senses.
339
00:12:45,378 --> 00:12:47,646
He's singing at the White House,
but will cancel for me.
340
00:12:47,648 --> 00:12:49,714
Oh, also, I told him
you're Italian,
341
00:12:49,716 --> 00:12:52,067
so he might call you "Tina."
342
00:12:52,069 --> 00:12:53,151
[Chuckles]
343
00:12:53,153 --> 00:12:54,152
Okay, so we'll
take another number,
344
00:12:54,154 --> 00:12:55,220
I'll get some witnesses,
345
00:12:55,222 --> 00:12:56,221
you'll get
your birth certificate.
346
00:12:56,223 --> 00:12:57,222
It's not wedding stress.
347
00:12:57,224 --> 00:12:58,406
I'm no more annoyed right now
348
00:12:58,408 --> 00:12:59,658
than I was when you
got that haircut
349
00:12:59,660 --> 00:13:00,859
without consulting me.
350
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:06,231
Oh, yeah.
351
00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:09,534
You can walk away from me
all day, you little tiger cub.
352
00:13:09,536 --> 00:13:11,870
[Growls]
353
00:13:11,872 --> 00:13:15,841
I work at the marriage bureau,
but I'll never get married.
354
00:13:17,737 --> 00:13:18,757
[Knock on door]
355
00:13:18,835 --> 00:13:21,235
Sir, we have a big problem.
356
00:13:23,567 --> 00:13:26,002
[Knock on door]
357
00:13:26,004 --> 00:13:28,037
I didn't want anyone
to see me like this, she lied.
358
00:13:28,039 --> 00:13:29,672
Jenna, when I said
what you were worth,
359
00:13:29,674 --> 00:13:31,407
that was a negotiation tactic.
360
00:13:31,409 --> 00:13:32,926
$2,000, Jack?
361
00:13:32,928 --> 00:13:35,528
I've stolen more than that
from my cleaning lady's purse.
362
00:13:35,530 --> 00:13:38,381
In this market, $2,000
is more than respectable.
363
00:13:38,383 --> 00:13:39,465
I mean, look at Kenneth.
364
00:13:39,467 --> 00:13:41,551
He's worth $5, tops.
365
00:13:41,553 --> 00:13:44,103
I'm going to hold you
to that, sir.
366
00:13:44,105 --> 00:13:45,805
Is that supposed
to make me feel better?
367
00:13:45,807 --> 00:13:48,057
Everyone around here
is human garbage.
368
00:13:48,059 --> 00:13:51,110
Okay, well, then,
look at me.
369
00:13:51,112 --> 00:13:53,780
If you're past your prime,
then so am I.
370
00:13:53,782 --> 00:13:55,114
I've been divorced twice.
371
00:13:55,116 --> 00:13:57,600
I'm at an age where I no longer
need erectile softeners.
372
00:13:57,602 --> 00:13:59,786
I'm number two at an American
television company,
373
00:13:59,788 --> 00:14:01,938
with no possibility
of promotion.
374
00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:03,105
I'll probably die
in this job.
375
00:14:03,107 --> 00:14:05,208
I've already had
one heart attack.
376
00:14:05,210 --> 00:14:06,943
I used to be
a young man with promise.
377
00:14:06,945 --> 00:14:08,878
I coined the phrase,
"you wish, pal."
378
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,080
But now,
I'm sitting here
379
00:14:11,082 --> 00:14:13,115
trying to cheer up
a $2,000 actress,
380
00:14:13,117 --> 00:14:17,303
because a janitor said
I hurt her feelings, so...
381
00:14:17,305 --> 00:14:18,955
Oh, God.
382
00:14:18,957 --> 00:14:20,306
I'm worth less than you.
383
00:14:20,308 --> 00:14:23,628
Oh, thank you, Jack.
384
00:14:25,630 --> 00:14:28,130
What are you doing?
Why did you change your clothes?
385
00:14:28,132 --> 00:14:29,131
Well, this is
what I was wearing
386
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,266
when we met
in riverside Park.
387
00:14:30,268 --> 00:14:31,267
Remember, you said,
"nice turtleneck."
388
00:14:31,269 --> 00:14:32,268
No, I said...
389
00:14:32,270 --> 00:14:33,269
[Sarcastically]
"Nice turtleneck."
390
00:14:33,271 --> 00:14:34,487
And thank you again.
391
00:14:34,489 --> 00:14:35,638
Great, so now
you're more dressed up
392
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:36,773
than I am
at my own wedding,
393
00:14:36,775 --> 00:14:38,658
but whatever.
I got witnesses.
394
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,142
These guys were
in the park,
395
00:14:40,144 --> 00:14:41,578
either fighting
or having sex.
396
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:43,329
Okay, well, I thought
it might be nice
397
00:14:43,331 --> 00:14:44,581
to have a witness
we actually know.
398
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:45,782
Of course,
it had to be someone
399
00:14:45,784 --> 00:14:47,250
with nothing to do
on a Wednesday afternoon...
400
00:14:47,252 --> 00:14:48,251
No, no, no.
You didn't.
401
00:14:48,253 --> 00:14:49,619
Mazel tov, dummies.
402
00:14:49,621 --> 00:14:50,920
You're Jewish,
right, Liz?
403
00:14:50,922 --> 00:14:52,989
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
404
00:14:52,991 --> 00:14:53,990
You forgot
your birth certificate,
405
00:14:53,992 --> 00:14:55,091
you invited Dennis.
406
00:14:55,093 --> 00:14:56,292
If you can't
take this seriously,
407
00:14:56,294 --> 00:14:57,493
maybe there's not
going to be a wedding.
408
00:14:57,495 --> 00:15:00,847
Okay, is this
a big deal or not?
409
00:15:00,849 --> 00:15:02,382
I don't know.
410
00:15:02,384 --> 00:15:04,350
It's not the most important
day of my life.
411
00:15:04,352 --> 00:15:06,386
Getting my show picked up,
or meeting you,
412
00:15:06,388 --> 00:15:08,838
or the time I got a sleeve
of starburst with all pink,
413
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,523
those were all
more important days.
414
00:15:10,525 --> 00:15:12,275
So you're yelling
at me because...
415
00:15:12,277 --> 00:15:13,643
Because I'm Liz Lemon.
416
00:15:13,645 --> 00:15:15,478
My parents spent the money
they saved up for my wedding
417
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:16,613
on a P.T. cruiser.
418
00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:18,448
I have been sure
for a long time
419
00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:19,649
that this was never
going to happen,
420
00:15:19,651 --> 00:15:21,067
and I was fine with it.
421
00:15:21,069 --> 00:15:22,285
Ergo, it couldn't matter.
422
00:15:22,287 --> 00:15:23,453
"Ergo."
423
00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:25,538
Affleck's finally
going to get that Oscar.
424
00:15:25,540 --> 00:15:27,523
[Groans]
425
00:15:27,525 --> 00:15:29,242
And I'm still 90% right.
426
00:15:29,244 --> 00:15:31,160
It's stupid.
It doesn't matter.
427
00:15:31,162 --> 00:15:32,295
Guess what?
428
00:15:32,297 --> 00:15:33,713
You wasted a lot of money
on that dress.
429
00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:35,748
Oh, actually,
it was my grandmother's.
430
00:15:35,750 --> 00:15:37,500
She made it
out of parachute silk
431
00:15:37,502 --> 00:15:38,885
while hiding
from the Germans.
432
00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:40,369
Shut up.
433
00:15:40,371 --> 00:15:41,471
And then you came along,
434
00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:43,056
and now we're doing this,
435
00:15:43,058 --> 00:15:45,675
and a tiny little part of me
that I hate
436
00:15:45,677 --> 00:15:47,393
wants to be a princess.
437
00:15:47,395 --> 00:15:49,679
Liz, it's okay
to be a human woman.
438
00:15:49,681 --> 00:15:51,814
No, it's not.
It's the worst,
439
00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:53,382
because of society.
440
00:15:53,384 --> 00:15:54,434
I mean, why do you watch
Wedding bitches
441
00:15:54,436 --> 00:15:55,852
in the first place?
442
00:15:55,854 --> 00:15:59,489
And why did I find this hidden
under your underwear ball?
443
00:16:07,031 --> 00:16:08,781
Sol Rosenbear.
444
00:16:08,783 --> 00:16:13,336
He never got enough time
in his garden before he passed.
445
00:16:13,338 --> 00:16:15,371
I want today to be special.
446
00:16:15,373 --> 00:16:16,923
God, do you have any idea
447
00:16:16,925 --> 00:16:19,575
how hard it was
to get you to admit that?
448
00:16:19,577 --> 00:16:21,410
"I forgot
my birth certificate."
449
00:16:21,412 --> 00:16:23,096
"Let's invite Dennis."
450
00:16:23,098 --> 00:16:24,847
[Sighs]
You were playing me.
451
00:16:24,849 --> 00:16:26,582
"I'll wear
my stupid turtleneck."
452
00:16:26,584 --> 00:16:27,717
Wait, you think
it's stupid?
453
00:16:27,719 --> 00:16:28,768
We're going
to get married today,
454
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:29,769
but we're going
to do it right.
455
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:31,521
We need rings and flowers,
456
00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:32,522
and I'm going
to put on deodorant,
457
00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:33,773
and you're going
to wear a suit
458
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:36,442
that makes you look like
a little marzipan candy man.
459
00:16:36,444 --> 00:16:41,230
So let's go, people.
It's my special day.
460
00:16:41,232 --> 00:16:43,566
The Moses of Maryland.
461
00:16:43,568 --> 00:16:44,951
Page one.
462
00:16:44,953 --> 00:16:49,105
"Open on: Interior Maryland
slave shack, the year 18..."
463
00:16:49,107 --> 00:16:53,876
[Cries out]
464
00:16:53,878 --> 00:16:56,779
Tracy.
Tracy.
465
00:16:56,781 --> 00:16:58,715
Tracy, it's me,
Harriet Tubman.
466
00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:00,299
Harriet?
467
00:17:00,301 --> 00:17:02,335
What is this place?
468
00:17:02,337 --> 00:17:05,287
Don't you know?
It's your mind.
469
00:17:05,289 --> 00:17:06,923
We aren't so different,
you and I.
470
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:08,290
You grew up
in the Bronx.
471
00:17:08,292 --> 00:17:12,145
I grew up interior Maryland
slave shack, the year 18.
472
00:17:12,147 --> 00:17:13,646
And while I dreamed
of becoming
473
00:17:13,648 --> 00:17:16,265
the first woman
to surf around the world...
474
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:18,484
Really?
Is that what you think I did?
475
00:17:18,486 --> 00:17:20,302
I only read
the first page of the script.
476
00:17:20,304 --> 00:17:21,988
Use context clues.
477
00:17:21,990 --> 00:17:23,573
Whatever.
I'm dead now.
478
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:24,640
Oh, no, Tracy.
You're not dead.
479
00:17:24,642 --> 00:17:25,975
I told you,
we're in your mind.
480
00:17:25,977 --> 00:17:28,528
Why else would Harriet Tubman
look and sound
481
00:17:28,530 --> 00:17:30,496
like your boss,
Jim Dennison...
482
00:17:30,498 --> 00:17:32,115
Oh, come on.
You know that's wrong.
483
00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:33,366
Wait a minute.
484
00:17:33,368 --> 00:17:35,118
If this is my mind, I should
be able to control you.
485
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,586
No, no, that only
works in dreams.
486
00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:38,671
Eat a corn on the cob,
and make it sexy.
487
00:17:41,508 --> 00:17:42,842
Great, so I'm not dead.
488
00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:44,827
I'm going to have to
keep on living forever now.
489
00:17:44,829 --> 00:17:47,964
No, my homie.
I can say that, because I'm you.
490
00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:49,599
It doesn't matter
if you're healthy.
491
00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:51,801
At any moment, you could still
get hit by a cab
492
00:17:51,803 --> 00:17:52,852
just crossing the street.
493
00:17:52,854 --> 00:17:54,203
Right.
494
00:17:54,205 --> 00:17:56,272
So there's still
many ways I could die.
495
00:17:56,274 --> 00:17:57,774
I could fall
into a manhole,
496
00:17:57,776 --> 00:18:00,009
or I could forget
my chimpanzee's birthday.
497
00:18:00,011 --> 00:18:01,310
It's time to go now.
498
00:18:01,312 --> 00:18:03,780
Time to go back
to being Tracy Jordan.
499
00:18:03,782 --> 00:18:06,449
Wake up.
500
00:18:06,451 --> 00:18:08,367
Oh my God, Tracy.
Are you okay?
501
00:18:08,369 --> 00:18:10,870
I almost died.
I've never been better.
502
00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:12,521
Okay, good,
'cause I'm kind of in a rush.
503
00:18:12,523 --> 00:18:14,040
I'm getting married.
504
00:18:14,042 --> 00:18:15,458
Liz Lemon is
getting married today.
505
00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:16,876
Liz Lemon's getting married?
506
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,694
Harry Truman was right.
507
00:18:18,696 --> 00:18:20,463
Anything's possible.
508
00:18:20,465 --> 00:18:22,531
Oh, what a world...
509
00:18:22,533 --> 00:18:25,367
[Screams]
510
00:18:25,369 --> 00:18:27,887
I'm fine.
Go get married.
511
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:29,305
Okay.
512
00:18:31,842 --> 00:18:32,842
The next project
is going to be
513
00:18:32,844 --> 00:18:34,677
toofer's Harriet Tubman movie.
514
00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:36,846
Are you sure, Tray?
It's pretty boring.
515
00:18:36,848 --> 00:18:38,731
I read it in the bath
on one of my Grizz days.
516
00:18:38,733 --> 00:18:40,183
It's perfect.
517
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,485
'Cause it's the most
irresponsible choice I can make.
518
00:18:42,487 --> 00:18:46,272
A super expensive period piece
starring a middle aged woman.
519
00:18:46,274 --> 00:18:47,740
No one's going
to want to see it.
520
00:18:47,742 --> 00:18:50,693
And I'm probably not going
to be alive when it comes out.
521
00:18:50,695 --> 00:18:53,079
Now let's go buy a blimp
to scout locations.
522
00:18:57,251 --> 00:18:58,734
[Phone rings]
523
00:18:58,736 --> 00:18:59,836
It's about time, Lemon.
524
00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:02,088
Whatever, just get
down to city hall.
525
00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:04,573
It's 30 minutes away.
I'll be there in 10.
526
00:19:07,010 --> 00:19:10,246
Navy, gray, maroon, gray...
527
00:19:10,248 --> 00:19:11,714
Am I depressed?
528
00:19:11,716 --> 00:19:13,299
Later.
529
00:19:13,301 --> 00:19:14,750
[Gasps]
530
00:19:14,752 --> 00:19:16,586
Oh, you'll do quite nicely.
531
00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:19,105
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
532
00:19:19,107 --> 00:19:21,774
Black Dennis, start the car.
533
00:19:33,787 --> 00:19:36,873
What?
It's the only white dress I own.
534
00:19:36,875 --> 00:19:37,940
But your hair.
535
00:19:37,942 --> 00:19:41,460
I'm a princess.
536
00:19:43,446 --> 00:19:45,047
And will you be
exchanging rings?
537
00:19:45,049 --> 00:19:46,716
Oh.
538
00:19:46,718 --> 00:19:49,302
Tito was a drug dealer
the police shot in the face.
539
00:19:49,304 --> 00:19:51,754
In Riverside Park,
where we first met.
540
00:19:51,756 --> 00:19:53,890
It's perfect.
541
00:19:53,892 --> 00:19:56,959
Do you take this lady
as your wife?
542
00:19:56,961 --> 00:19:58,761
- I do.
- Do you take this man...
543
00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:01,564
I do.
544
00:20:01,566 --> 00:20:03,566
"'But you see, '
said roark quietly,
545
00:20:03,568 --> 00:20:06,152
'I've chosen the work
I want to do.
546
00:20:06,154 --> 00:20:08,521
'And I can find joy
only if I do my work
547
00:20:08,523 --> 00:20:10,773
in the best way
possible to me.'"
548
00:20:18,982 --> 00:20:21,450
By the authority vested in me
by the state of New York,
549
00:20:21,452 --> 00:20:24,153
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
550
00:20:24,155 --> 00:20:27,039
For love came
just in time
551
00:20:27,041 --> 00:20:30,092
I found you
just in time
552
00:20:30,094 --> 00:20:32,461
you changed
my lonely life
553
00:20:32,463 --> 00:20:34,964
that lovely day
554
00:20:34,966 --> 00:20:36,382
Oh, my lip is caught
on the grill.
555
00:20:36,384 --> 00:20:38,801
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
556
00:20:50,058 --> 00:20:51,175
I've got
the world on a string
557
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:53,728
I'm sitting
on a rainbow
558
00:20:53,762 --> 00:20:55,363
I've got the string
around my finger
559
00:20:55,397 --> 00:20:56,847
Lemon, earlier today,
560
00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:58,699
I took a hard look
at where life has led me,
561
00:20:58,734 --> 00:21:00,050
and I didn't like
what I saw.
562
00:21:00,068 --> 00:21:02,219
But now, looking at you,
I realize...
563
00:21:02,237 --> 00:21:03,721
That anything's possible?
564
00:21:03,739 --> 00:21:04,888
You know,
I'm attractive.
565
00:21:04,906 --> 00:21:05,940
I've got cheekbones,
566
00:21:05,991 --> 00:21:07,108
and a pair you can
do something with.
567
00:21:07,159 --> 00:21:09,110
I'm just saying,
from a grateful nation,
568
00:21:09,161 --> 00:21:10,945
thank you, Liz Lemon.
569
00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:13,364
There's hope for us all.
570
00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:15,549
Black Dennis
got some cop's gun.
571
00:21:15,584 --> 00:21:18,519
[Woman screaming]
572
00:21:18,553 --> 00:21:22,089
I've got that string
around my finger
573
00:21:22,124 --> 00:21:24,759
what a world,
what a life
574
00:21:24,793 --> 00:21:28,846
I'm in love
575
00:21:29,616 --> 00:21:33,116
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
576
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,075
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577
00:21:37,125 --> 00:21:41,675
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