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00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
2
00:00:05,057 --> 00:00:06,806
What?
3
00:00:06,808 --> 00:00:09,059
Hold on.
Your name is Jack Donaghy?
4
00:00:09,061 --> 00:00:10,927
- That's hilarious.
- I beg your pardon.
5
00:00:10,929 --> 00:00:12,445
Where is your supervisor?
6
00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:14,030
Oh, you sound
just like him.
7
00:00:14,032 --> 00:00:15,365
Now say, "don't talk to me
like that.
8
00:00:15,367 --> 00:00:16,649
Don't you know who I am?"
9
00:00:16,651 --> 00:00:18,618
I will not say that
because you just ruined it.
10
00:00:18,620 --> 00:00:19,986
[Laughs]
11
00:00:19,988 --> 00:00:21,154
[Phone ringing]
12
00:00:21,156 --> 00:00:22,539
Jack Donaghy.
13
00:00:22,541 --> 00:00:23,757
[Laughter]
14
00:00:23,759 --> 00:00:25,074
What, pray tell,
is so funny?
15
00:00:25,076 --> 00:00:26,760
Both: I'll give you something
to laugh about.
16
00:00:26,762 --> 00:00:29,179
[Laughter]
I can't believe he said it.
17
00:00:29,181 --> 00:00:31,715
Gabe, Google: "Jack Donaghy
and black laughter."
18
00:00:31,717 --> 00:00:33,249
Hold up.
19
00:00:33,251 --> 00:00:36,052
You're Jack Donaghy.
[Laughs]
20
00:00:36,054 --> 00:00:38,471
Why am I suddenly
an object of derision
21
00:00:38,473 --> 00:00:39,889
in your community?
22
00:00:39,891 --> 00:00:42,692
I've championed diversity
on NBC.
23
00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:44,227
I mean, we've got football.
24
00:00:44,229 --> 00:00:45,645
That's pretty black,
right?
25
00:00:45,647 --> 00:00:48,148
I'm laughing because
Jack Donaghy
26
00:00:48,150 --> 00:00:49,932
is the bad guy from
Tracy Jordan's
27
00:00:49,934 --> 00:00:51,284
Aunt Phatso movie.
28
00:00:51,286 --> 00:00:52,935
But you can't
shut us down.
29
00:00:52,937 --> 00:00:57,040
The $25,000 rap competition
is in two days.
30
00:00:57,042 --> 00:00:59,876
Well, unless you can
come up with $25,000
31
00:00:59,878 --> 00:01:02,912
in just two days, I'm turning
this community center
32
00:01:02,914 --> 00:01:05,498
into of my garbage dumps.
33
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,835
Ooh, damn you,
Jack Donaghy.
34
00:01:08,837 --> 00:01:10,787
[Flatulence]
Aah!
35
00:01:10,789 --> 00:01:13,389
[Laughs]
36
00:01:13,391 --> 00:01:16,392
[Exciting jazz music]
37
00:01:16,394 --> 00:01:17,994
38
00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:28,666
30 ROCK
S07 Ep06 - Aunt Phatso vs. Jack Donaghy
39
00:01:28,898 --> 00:01:31,398
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
40
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,860
[Loud footsteps]
41
00:01:32,861 --> 00:01:34,661
Aah, this is
so embarrassing.
42
00:01:34,663 --> 00:01:36,646
I accidentally
wore my tap shoes today.
43
00:01:36,648 --> 00:01:38,748
Well, might as well
do my act.
44
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,334
Now imagine
I'm wearing underwear.
45
00:01:41,336 --> 00:01:42,535
Hazel, what'd I tell you
last time
46
00:01:42,537 --> 00:01:43,986
you tried to audition
for me?
47
00:01:43,988 --> 00:01:45,338
"Aah, who's there?
Please don't hurt me.
48
00:01:45,340 --> 00:01:47,040
The safe's
in my children's room."
49
00:01:47,042 --> 00:01:48,825
You're not getting
on the show.
50
00:01:48,827 --> 00:01:49,959
[Stomps]
51
00:01:49,961 --> 00:01:51,177
Too bad, Hazel.
52
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:53,663
Look like everyone's
onto your crazy now.
53
00:01:53,665 --> 00:01:57,183
Why don't you make like
a woman driver and get lost?
54
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,301
'Cause I'd rather
make like the father
55
00:01:58,303 --> 00:01:59,519
I never had and stay.
56
00:01:59,521 --> 00:02:01,104
Well, don't worry
about me, Jenna.
57
00:02:01,106 --> 00:02:03,673
I've got everyone I need
on my side.
58
00:02:03,675 --> 00:02:05,441
Who, Kenneth?
[Chuckles]
59
00:02:05,443 --> 00:02:07,610
The things he knows
about you people...
60
00:02:07,612 --> 00:02:09,345
For instance,
someone here
61
00:02:09,347 --> 00:02:13,066
sucks on old baby wipes
to get the alcohol out of them.
62
00:02:13,068 --> 00:02:14,651
Who does that?
That's my thing!
63
00:02:14,653 --> 00:02:16,319
And one of the days,
Kenneth's gonna
64
00:02:16,321 --> 00:02:18,121
tell me something
I can use.
65
00:02:18,123 --> 00:02:19,873
And then I'll make
my move.
66
00:02:19,875 --> 00:02:21,741
Well, time is running out.
67
00:02:21,743 --> 00:02:23,493
Tick tock, Hazel.
68
00:02:23,495 --> 00:02:25,245
The clock is ticking.
69
00:02:25,247 --> 00:02:26,863
Well, you know
what else ticks?
70
00:02:26,865 --> 00:02:28,197
A time bomb.
71
00:02:28,199 --> 00:02:31,217
So, yeah, Jenna, tick tock.
72
00:02:35,089 --> 00:02:36,706
Oh, there she is.
Finally.
73
00:02:36,708 --> 00:02:37,924
Liz, where have you been?
74
00:02:37,926 --> 00:02:39,175
I told you, like,
ten times.
75
00:02:39,177 --> 00:02:40,677
I had a doctor's
appointment today.
76
00:02:40,679 --> 00:02:42,896
My bunions
are out of control.
77
00:02:42,898 --> 00:02:44,731
The podiatrist said
the only possible explanation
78
00:02:44,733 --> 00:02:47,567
is that one of my ancestors
mated with a dinosaur.
79
00:02:47,569 --> 00:02:49,602
Well, while you were out
we had a little budget snafu.
80
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:51,070
We can't build any new sets.
Ugh.
81
00:02:51,072 --> 00:02:52,272
So you're gonna have
to completely rewrite
82
00:02:52,274 --> 00:02:53,656
tomorrow's show so that
83
00:02:53,658 --> 00:02:55,408
everything takes place
in a farmhouse.
84
00:02:55,410 --> 00:02:56,743
Pete, the budget
is your job.
85
00:02:56,745 --> 00:02:59,162
Who are we to stay
what anything is?
86
00:02:59,164 --> 00:03:00,830
[Sighs]
Okay.
87
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,899
What did you write
after Pete told you we're short?
88
00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:04,400
Liz, we spent a long time
89
00:03:04,402 --> 00:03:07,337
trying to come up with
a good excuse for why
90
00:03:07,339 --> 00:03:09,906
we didn't write anything,
but we failed.
91
00:03:09,908 --> 00:03:11,791
I put off this doctor's
appointment for months.
92
00:03:11,793 --> 00:03:14,510
They had to saw me
out of my sneakers.
93
00:03:14,512 --> 00:03:16,245
And I need
quadruple-bunion surgery,
94
00:03:16,247 --> 00:03:17,430
but I can't get it
because I would
95
00:03:17,432 --> 00:03:19,182
have to be off my feet
for three weeks.
96
00:03:19,184 --> 00:03:21,184
And that would require
someone else around here
97
00:03:21,186 --> 00:03:23,436
to actually step up.
98
00:03:23,438 --> 00:03:24,888
I would stomp off
right now,
99
00:03:24,890 --> 00:03:27,640
but my doctor says
I need to walk like this.
100
00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:29,258
[Laughs]
101
00:03:29,260 --> 00:03:31,110
Delightful... Charlie Chaplin.
102
00:03:31,112 --> 00:03:33,980
You have the moustache
and everything.
103
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,834
What's the matter,
Jack Donaghy?
104
00:03:37,836 --> 00:03:39,869
Did somebody accidentally
swing a wrecking ball...
105
00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,454
What are you doing in here?
[Tv shuts off]
106
00:03:41,456 --> 00:03:44,374
Uh, Lemon,
do you think I'm a villain?
107
00:03:44,376 --> 00:03:46,943
I have heard you say,
"guard, seize him."
108
00:03:46,945 --> 00:03:47,994
That was at a Knicks game.
109
00:03:47,996 --> 00:03:49,379
They needed
to stop the clock.
110
00:03:49,381 --> 00:03:50,947
Why are you limping?
111
00:03:50,949 --> 00:03:53,499
A foot illness or
fell running for food?
112
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:54,951
I need bunion surgery,
113
00:03:54,953 --> 00:03:56,502
but I can't get
bunion surgery
114
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:58,338
because I have to do everything
around here.
115
00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:00,840
No, you choose
to do everything around here.
116
00:04:00,842 --> 00:04:02,675
- You need an assistant.
- What? No.
117
00:04:02,677 --> 00:04:04,394
I mean, I can always
use Cerie.
118
00:04:04,396 --> 00:04:06,128
Although, the one time
I did send her on an errand
119
00:04:06,130 --> 00:04:08,064
she met some guy
who flew her to Paris,
120
00:04:08,066 --> 00:04:09,232
and then she started
modeling.
121
00:04:09,234 --> 00:04:10,516
And then she ended up
being the reason
122
00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:11,968
why the French soccer team
did so badly
123
00:04:11,970 --> 00:04:13,686
in the 2010 world cup.
124
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,405
Hire someone,
someone dedicated
125
00:04:15,407 --> 00:04:16,773
to making your life easier.
126
00:04:16,775 --> 00:04:18,157
I don't know.
127
00:04:18,159 --> 00:04:20,476
You wanna start a family,
you have to prioritize.
128
00:04:20,478 --> 00:04:21,744
How can you take care
of a child
129
00:04:21,746 --> 00:04:23,663
if you can't take care
of your own feet?
130
00:04:23,665 --> 00:04:25,448
[Sighs]
131
00:04:25,450 --> 00:04:26,666
Hey, Grizz.
Hey, Dot Com.
132
00:04:26,668 --> 00:04:28,518
Get me a black coffee,
by which
133
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,336
I mean, a sunkist.
134
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:32,588
How could you think
we're Grizz and Dot Com?
135
00:04:32,590 --> 00:04:34,874
'Cause I don't see race,
you white bastards.
136
00:04:34,876 --> 00:04:36,793
Tracy...
137
00:04:36,795 --> 00:04:39,262
Would you care
to explain this?
138
00:04:39,264 --> 00:04:40,380
[Laughter]
139
00:04:40,382 --> 00:04:42,515
What, pray tell,
is so funny?
140
00:04:42,517 --> 00:04:45,718
Jack Donaghy, don't you know
in this neighborhood
141
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,221
you got to take
your tires with you?
142
00:04:48,223 --> 00:04:49,355
[Laughter]
143
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:51,674
Aunt Phatso, you're fired.
144
00:04:51,676 --> 00:04:53,943
You're all fired.
145
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:56,396
[Laughs]
What is this?
146
00:04:56,398 --> 00:04:58,147
That's Tracy Jordan'sAunt Phatso
147
00:04:58,149 --> 00:05:00,349
goes to the hospitalsgoes to jail.
148
00:05:00,351 --> 00:05:02,535
- When did you make a movie?
- Fourth of July weekend.
149
00:05:02,537 --> 00:05:05,405
I wrote, directed, and
did all of the makeup myself.
150
00:05:05,407 --> 00:05:06,539
Oh, it's terrible.
151
00:05:06,541 --> 00:05:09,792
We made $50 million...
In Atlanta.
152
00:05:09,794 --> 00:05:11,744
That man
is portraying me.
153
00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:12,879
That's Leslie Van Vondervann.
154
00:05:12,881 --> 00:05:14,030
He's used to be on
"knots landing."
155
00:05:14,032 --> 00:05:15,965
My twin is dead.
156
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:17,133
Unacceptable.
157
00:05:17,135 --> 00:05:18,518
After all I've done
for you...
158
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,202
I've brought you
back from the dead
159
00:05:20,204 --> 00:05:21,671
and revived you career.
160
00:05:21,673 --> 00:05:23,706
And this is how
you thank me?
161
00:05:23,708 --> 00:05:25,008
You will respect me.
162
00:05:25,010 --> 00:05:27,510
And you will respect
these boobies.
163
00:05:27,512 --> 00:05:29,095
[Laughter]
164
00:05:29,097 --> 00:05:30,212
[Laughs]
165
00:05:30,214 --> 00:05:31,547
I want every DVD
of this movie
166
00:05:31,549 --> 00:05:33,649
removed from stores,
burned,
167
00:05:33,651 --> 00:05:37,053
and melted into a statue
of you apologizing to me.
168
00:05:37,055 --> 00:05:38,855
I will do no such thing.
169
00:05:38,857 --> 00:05:40,656
The only statue that movie
will be turned into
170
00:05:40,658 --> 00:05:43,225
is a N.A.A.C.P.
shame award.
171
00:05:43,227 --> 00:05:44,777
Hey, is there another
one of these coming out?
172
00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:46,195
Because I think I saw
an ad for it
173
00:05:46,197 --> 00:05:48,114
in Urban Butt magazine.
174
00:05:48,116 --> 00:05:49,665
They have an excellent
word jumble.
175
00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:51,400
The new movie's called
Tracy Jordan's
176
00:05:51,402 --> 00:05:54,904
Aunt Phatso's Jack Donaghy'swe at it again.
177
00:05:54,906 --> 00:05:57,090
Oh, you will not
release that movie.
178
00:05:57,092 --> 00:05:58,207
You can't order me around.
179
00:05:58,209 --> 00:05:59,625
Who do you think I am?
Liz Lemon?
180
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:00,910
I will not have you
talk to me
181
00:06:00,912 --> 00:06:02,628
like I'm some kind of
Liz Lemon.
182
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:04,464
Whatever. I'll speak at
both your funerals.
183
00:06:04,466 --> 00:06:06,933
Typical Jack Donaghy,
giving me no respect.
184
00:06:06,935 --> 00:06:09,018
I'm the CEO
of my own company.
185
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:11,304
I'm rich.
I'm just like you!
186
00:06:11,306 --> 00:06:13,255
Just like me?
I went to Princeton.
187
00:06:13,257 --> 00:06:14,690
I neglected a tiger.
188
00:06:14,692 --> 00:06:16,425
I'm on the board
of the New York Philharmonic.
189
00:06:16,427 --> 00:06:17,693
I'm friends with
Phil Harmonic,
190
00:06:17,695 --> 00:06:19,562
the worst rapper
of all time.
191
00:06:19,564 --> 00:06:21,364
And I'm your boss.
I own you.
192
00:06:21,366 --> 00:06:24,067
Think about that during
your five-night appearance
193
00:06:24,069 --> 00:06:25,768
on Watch what happens live.
194
00:06:25,770 --> 00:06:28,321
No! Andy Cohen
is so catty.
195
00:06:28,323 --> 00:06:29,772
And that's
just the beginning.
196
00:06:29,774 --> 00:06:31,023
If you don't take care
of this,
197
00:06:31,025 --> 00:06:32,742
you're fired.
198
00:06:32,744 --> 00:06:36,662
You're all fired.
199
00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,831
So tell me
about your day, Kevin.
200
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,166
I mean, Todd.
201
00:06:40,168 --> 00:06:41,467
Well, this morning
miss Lemon
202
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,586
- had one of her meltdowns.
- Really?
203
00:06:43,588 --> 00:06:45,638
About what?
Mm.
204
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,124
Because she can't balance
work and personal life.
205
00:06:48,126 --> 00:06:49,842
But I mean,
after seven years
206
00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:51,394
and hundreds
of these episodes,
207
00:06:51,396 --> 00:06:54,564
it's like, let's move on.
[Chuckles]
208
00:06:54,566 --> 00:06:55,681
Liz needs help.
209
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,850
She needs someone
who's ambitious
210
00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:00,937
and talented and humble
and a liar.
211
00:07:00,939 --> 00:07:03,322
That's where
Hazel comes in.
212
00:07:03,324 --> 00:07:05,608
Okay.
213
00:07:05,610 --> 00:07:07,944
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
let me hang those up for you.
214
00:07:07,946 --> 00:07:09,478
You've got better
things to do,
215
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,831
- you genius.
- Okay. Thanks.
216
00:07:11,833 --> 00:07:15,151
Oh, also, I put all
the new promos on your computer.
217
00:07:15,153 --> 00:07:17,286
And I wasn't sure
how you take your coffee,
218
00:07:17,288 --> 00:07:19,122
so mouth or enema?
219
00:07:19,124 --> 00:07:20,456
What's going on here,
Hazel?
220
00:07:20,458 --> 00:07:21,874
You need help.
221
00:07:21,876 --> 00:07:23,759
I know you're trying
to get pregnant
222
00:07:23,761 --> 00:07:26,095
because I think about it
all the time.
223
00:07:26,097 --> 00:07:29,215
You on top,
your hair whipping around.
224
00:07:29,217 --> 00:07:31,017
But what if you do
have a kid
225
00:07:31,019 --> 00:07:33,186
and you have to leave work
because your daughter
226
00:07:33,188 --> 00:07:35,271
shot her choir teacher's
husband?
227
00:07:35,273 --> 00:07:36,556
I mean, that's
the kind of stuff
228
00:07:36,558 --> 00:07:38,057
my mom had to deal with.
229
00:07:38,059 --> 00:07:39,392
Wow, okay.
230
00:07:39,394 --> 00:07:42,445
Well, I'm just not sure
that I'm comfortable...
231
00:07:42,447 --> 00:07:44,197
Did you get me
a second mini-fridge?
232
00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:46,849
No. I got you
a mini-freezer,
233
00:07:46,851 --> 00:07:48,534
full of candy bars so cold
234
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:50,786
they'll crack your jaw,
you bitch.
235
00:07:50,788 --> 00:07:51,871
[Shushes]
236
00:07:51,873 --> 00:07:53,322
- I didn't say any...
- [Shushes]
237
00:07:53,324 --> 00:07:54,907
Look, I wanna help.
238
00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:57,693
You're my hero.
Just give me a chance.
239
00:07:57,695 --> 00:08:00,496
Sisters helping sisters.
Glass ceiling.
240
00:08:00,498 --> 00:08:02,048
Legitimate rape.
241
00:08:02,050 --> 00:08:03,466
Okay, Hazel.
242
00:08:03,468 --> 00:08:04,750
I'm gonna get
my foot surgery.
243
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,219
And if you can be
my eyes and ears
244
00:08:06,221 --> 00:08:08,554
while I'm stuck on the couch,
you've got the job.
245
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:09,705
Great.
246
00:08:09,707 --> 00:08:11,373
Now, if it's okay
with you,
247
00:08:11,375 --> 00:08:14,727
I am gonna go
wash your sweatshirt.
248
00:08:14,729 --> 00:08:17,213
You got it unstuck
from the chair!
249
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,883
[Applause]
250
00:08:20,885 --> 00:08:22,718
Good evening.
251
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,887
The New York Philharmonic
is thrilled to announce
252
00:08:24,889 --> 00:08:28,024
that we've recently received
a very generous donation
253
00:08:28,026 --> 00:08:29,558
that will keep us
fully endowed
254
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:30,943
for the next decade.
255
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:33,946
[Applause]
256
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:36,832
In honor of that gift,
tonight's scheduled program
257
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:39,252
of Debussy and Rachmaninoff
will be replaced
258
00:08:39,254 --> 00:08:42,088
with a selection chosen
by our anonymous donor.
259
00:08:42,090 --> 00:08:45,725
So please enjoy
a four-hour rendition
260
00:08:45,727 --> 00:08:48,544
of the theme song
from Sanford and Son.
261
00:08:48,546 --> 00:08:51,547
[Playing orchestral version
of The Streetbeater]
262
00:08:51,549 --> 00:08:53,149
263
00:08:56,754 --> 00:08:59,772
Now who's in charge?
264
00:09:08,170 --> 00:09:09,790
Hazel, thank you,
265
00:09:09,837 --> 00:09:11,973
for taking care
of everything.
266
00:09:11,975 --> 00:09:13,340
[Grunts]
267
00:09:13,398 --> 00:09:15,032
I can't believe
you got my health plan
268
00:09:15,034 --> 00:09:16,917
to cover all this.
Oh.
269
00:09:16,919 --> 00:09:18,735
You just need to know
what to say to them,
270
00:09:18,737 --> 00:09:20,170
like their children's names
271
00:09:20,172 --> 00:09:23,206
and what they wore
to school today.
272
00:09:26,010 --> 00:09:27,744
Oh.
[Chuckles]
273
00:09:27,746 --> 00:09:29,046
Oh, will you
send Frank in?
274
00:09:29,048 --> 00:09:31,131
I wanna see what they wrote
to fill the fifth act.
275
00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:33,533
Or. Since I'm here
to help,
276
00:09:33,535 --> 00:09:35,418
maybe I could
fill the time.
277
00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:37,804
I still know my rhythmic
gymnastics routine.
278
00:09:37,806 --> 00:09:39,356
I was good...
279
00:09:39,358 --> 00:09:41,058
Until I hit puberty
and the coaches said
280
00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:43,026
- I got too pregnant.
- Are you kidding?
281
00:09:43,028 --> 00:09:44,761
I'm not gonna
put you on the show.
282
00:09:44,763 --> 00:09:46,446
Oh.
[Knock at door]
283
00:09:46,448 --> 00:09:48,231
- Uh, Lemon, a word?
- Hey, guy!
284
00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:51,068
You can't just walk in here
whenever you want.
285
00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:52,986
How can I help you?
286
00:09:52,988 --> 00:09:55,122
So Lemon has an assistant?
Excellent.
287
00:09:55,124 --> 00:09:57,273
Jack Donaghy
to see Liz Lemon.
288
00:09:57,275 --> 00:09:58,408
Mm.
289
00:09:58,410 --> 00:10:00,443
[Buzz]
A Mr. Donaghy here for you.
290
00:10:00,445 --> 00:10:01,778
Get off this channel!
291
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:03,580
This is
a military frequency.
292
00:10:03,582 --> 00:10:06,216
Okay, you can go in.
293
00:10:07,835 --> 00:10:09,285
So you got your surgery
294
00:10:09,287 --> 00:10:10,954
and the world hasn't ended?
295
00:10:10,956 --> 00:10:13,473
I think I can do this,
Jack, all of it.
296
00:10:13,475 --> 00:10:14,925
I mean, right now,
my feet
297
00:10:14,927 --> 00:10:16,560
are kind of like babies.
298
00:10:16,562 --> 00:10:19,179
I have to swaddle them,
and they need ointment,
299
00:10:19,181 --> 00:10:22,465
and, like, six times a day
brown stuff comes out of them.
300
00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:25,268
You're beautiful babies,
yes you are.
301
00:10:25,270 --> 00:10:27,654
Look, Lemon,
I need some advice.
302
00:10:27,656 --> 00:10:30,807
Tracy is actually
trying to fight back.
303
00:10:30,809 --> 00:10:33,026
He ruined a wonderful evening
at the philharmonic,
304
00:10:33,028 --> 00:10:34,978
paying them to play
the same song
305
00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:36,580
over and over again
for hours.
306
00:10:36,582 --> 00:10:38,281
[Sanford and Son rhythm]
I can't remember...
307
00:10:38,283 --> 00:10:39,816
I can't remember
what it was
308
00:10:39,818 --> 00:10:42,502
But the point is,
the man is totally irrational.
309
00:10:42,504 --> 00:10:43,987
You know what?
Tracy's right.
310
00:10:43,989 --> 00:10:46,139
- You two are a lot alike.
- I beg your pardon?
311
00:10:46,141 --> 00:10:47,541
You're both stubborn,
you're rich,
312
00:10:47,543 --> 00:10:48,875
you think you're right
all the time.
313
00:10:48,877 --> 00:10:50,493
You wanted to prove
that you're not like Tracy?
314
00:10:50,495 --> 00:10:52,829
- Let it go.
- Or crush him,
315
00:10:52,831 --> 00:10:54,431
and prove you both wrong.
316
00:10:54,433 --> 00:10:56,800
Get two birds
with one stone,
317
00:10:56,802 --> 00:10:58,835
like when I used Mick Jagger
to lure Roger McGuinn
318
00:10:58,837 --> 00:11:00,771
and David Crosby
to my birthday party.
319
00:11:00,773 --> 00:11:03,006
Listen yourself.
You sound exactly like Tracy.
320
00:11:03,008 --> 00:11:05,225
[Mouthing]
No.
321
00:11:05,227 --> 00:11:06,610
[Gasps]
322
00:11:06,612 --> 00:11:09,279
Just the person
I wanted to see.
323
00:11:09,281 --> 00:11:12,682
Oh. Hi, Kenneth.
324
00:11:12,684 --> 00:11:16,286
Look, I need to tell you
something about Hazel.
325
00:11:16,288 --> 00:11:17,537
Oh, no, ma'am.
I don't think
326
00:11:17,539 --> 00:11:19,355
I should talk to you
anymore about her.
327
00:11:19,357 --> 00:11:20,874
You only have
bad things to say.
328
00:11:20,876 --> 00:11:22,709
Uh, Hazel's my girlfriend.
329
00:11:22,711 --> 00:11:25,212
Kenneth,
this sounds insane,
330
00:11:25,214 --> 00:11:27,080
but I care about you
as a friend.
331
00:11:27,082 --> 00:11:28,882
I take in 50 calories
a day and
332
00:11:28,884 --> 00:11:31,551
I'm using them all up
just trying to help you.
333
00:11:31,553 --> 00:11:33,920
Then just be happy
that I'm happy.
334
00:11:33,922 --> 00:11:35,672
You're happy
because of Hazel?
335
00:11:35,674 --> 00:11:38,425
What could she possibly
give you that I can't?
336
00:11:38,427 --> 00:11:40,543
Well, I'll tell you
what she gives me, Ms. Maroney.
337
00:11:40,545 --> 00:11:42,095
She listens to me.
338
00:11:42,097 --> 00:11:43,980
Just tell me
what it is.
339
00:11:43,982 --> 00:11:45,649
I tell her what happened
during my day
340
00:11:45,651 --> 00:11:48,685
and she actually
wants to hear about it.
341
00:11:48,687 --> 00:11:51,721
Can you give me that,
Ms. Maroney?
342
00:11:52,857 --> 00:11:54,691
[Shrugs and grunts]
I don't know.
343
00:11:54,693 --> 00:11:57,410
Ah, Tracy,
thank you for coming.
344
00:11:57,412 --> 00:11:58,912
Please, have a seat.
345
00:11:58,914 --> 00:12:02,232
No, thank you.
I prefer to lie down.
346
00:12:02,234 --> 00:12:03,917
These are my lawyers.
347
00:12:03,919 --> 00:12:05,452
One is German,
one is Japanese.
348
00:12:05,454 --> 00:12:08,905
And you don't bring these guys
together to play Patty-cake.
349
00:12:08,907 --> 00:12:10,073
This is war.
350
00:12:10,075 --> 00:12:11,174
Bad news, Jack.
351
00:12:11,176 --> 00:12:12,742
War's my favorite card game.
352
00:12:12,744 --> 00:12:14,577
And I win
about half the time.
353
00:12:14,579 --> 00:12:16,579
Here's the rub, Tracy.
354
00:12:16,581 --> 00:12:18,298
Because you were
reckless enough
355
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,634
to name your businessman
villain "Jack Donaghy,"
356
00:12:20,636 --> 00:12:23,770
I can sue you for libel.
357
00:12:23,772 --> 00:12:25,388
I'm gonna take
every Penny you have.
358
00:12:25,390 --> 00:12:26,756
Not the ones
I've swallowed.
359
00:12:26,758 --> 00:12:28,091
We'll see about that.
360
00:12:28,093 --> 00:12:29,926
Dude, it's not libel.
361
00:12:29,928 --> 00:12:32,428
Everything Jack Donaghy
does in the movie,
362
00:12:32,430 --> 00:12:33,897
I've seen you do
in real life.
363
00:12:33,899 --> 00:12:35,282
Really?
When have you seen me
364
00:12:35,284 --> 00:12:36,599
do something like this?
365
00:12:36,601 --> 00:12:38,401
You're a menace,
Aunt Phatso.
366
00:12:38,403 --> 00:12:41,154
But now that I'm on
the city council,
367
00:12:41,156 --> 00:12:45,108
I'm cancelling
your urban youth program.
368
00:12:45,110 --> 00:12:46,776
- Oh, Lord!
- [Laughs]
369
00:12:46,778 --> 00:12:49,963
What? You did cancel
a program for urban youth.
370
00:12:49,965 --> 00:12:52,582
It was my Saturday morning
kid's show,
371
00:12:52,584 --> 00:12:55,836
Uncle Tracy'sblack teletubbies rip-off.
372
00:12:55,838 --> 00:12:57,137
I cancelled it because,
like you,
373
00:12:57,139 --> 00:12:59,506
it was overly sexual
and impossible to understand.
374
00:12:59,508 --> 00:13:02,058
- Grabalujah!
- Fine!
375
00:13:02,060 --> 00:13:04,961
I've technically cancelled
an urban children's program.
376
00:13:04,963 --> 00:13:07,814
But what about this assault
on my good name?
377
00:13:07,816 --> 00:13:10,517
Not so fast,
you crone.
378
00:13:10,519 --> 00:13:13,653
I bought all the wheelchair
ramps in this city.
379
00:13:13,655 --> 00:13:17,307
And I'm turning them into
more profitable stairs!
380
00:13:17,309 --> 00:13:19,943
When have I ever
verbally accosted
381
00:13:19,945 --> 00:13:21,661
an old woman
in a wheelchair?
382
00:13:21,663 --> 00:13:23,446
Liz Lemon,
20 minutes ago.
383
00:13:23,448 --> 00:13:25,248
Another technicality.
384
00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:27,167
But the climax
of this monstrosity...
385
00:13:27,169 --> 00:13:28,952
[German accent]
That is what she said.
386
00:13:28,954 --> 00:13:32,505
Is when Jack Donaghy
shuts down an orphanage.
387
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:35,158
And I have never
shut down an orphanage.
388
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:36,877
You're right.
I put that in
389
00:13:36,879 --> 00:13:39,296
just to have a part in there
for a little girl in my movie.
390
00:13:39,298 --> 00:13:40,513
I'm Willow Smith-ing
my daughter.
391
00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:42,015
Her album drops next week.
392
00:13:42,017 --> 00:13:44,684
[Bleep] Christmas
[Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep]
393
00:13:44,686 --> 00:13:48,021
[Bleep] [Bleep]
Blankie.
394
00:13:48,023 --> 00:13:50,357
This is libel, Tracy.
I win.
395
00:13:50,359 --> 00:13:53,109
Checkmate.
Game, set, match.
396
00:13:53,111 --> 00:13:55,645
Rumbledy-goo...
397
00:13:55,647 --> 00:13:58,681
Which is what you say
when you win in polo.
398
00:14:03,738 --> 00:14:06,022
Tell me about your day.
399
00:14:06,024 --> 00:14:07,407
I'm listening.
400
00:14:07,409 --> 00:14:08,875
Well, Ms. Maroney,
401
00:14:08,877 --> 00:14:12,695
[distorted slow audio]
This morning, I was...
402
00:14:12,697 --> 00:14:13,964
You're doing amazing.
403
00:14:13,966 --> 00:14:16,666
I wish you could see
how sexy your listening face is.
404
00:14:16,668 --> 00:14:20,553
For Halloween,
you should go as a slutty ear.
405
00:14:20,555 --> 00:14:22,055
What do you wanna do now?
406
00:14:22,057 --> 00:14:25,208
Sing?
Yeah, let's.
407
00:14:25,210 --> 00:14:26,876
I'll be up here
408
00:14:26,878 --> 00:14:28,595
and I'll be down here
409
00:14:28,597 --> 00:14:31,564
Jenna's blonde
as a sunrise
410
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:33,216
hot as the sun
411
00:14:33,218 --> 00:14:37,070
bright as
a shining sun
412
00:14:37,072 --> 00:14:38,655
But with that
being said,
413
00:14:38,657 --> 00:14:41,274
how do you know when
you both feel the same way?
414
00:14:41,276 --> 00:14:42,859
I mean, sometimes I think...
415
00:14:42,861 --> 00:14:44,611
Jenna is listening
416
00:14:44,613 --> 00:14:49,532
listening like
the sun in the sky
417
00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:51,368
Ooh. Uh-oh.
418
00:14:51,370 --> 00:14:53,920
Somebody needs
to be changed.
419
00:14:53,922 --> 00:14:56,122
Need anything else,
boss man?
420
00:14:56,124 --> 00:14:57,958
I guess just
bring in the wheelchair
421
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,210
so you can roll me
down to the floor for the show.
422
00:15:00,212 --> 00:15:02,295
What?
No, Liz.
423
00:15:02,297 --> 00:15:04,414
You had surgery
this morning.
424
00:15:04,416 --> 00:15:06,082
Sure, but I have
to be there.
425
00:15:06,084 --> 00:15:07,917
Oh, I would slap you
if I didn't think
426
00:15:07,919 --> 00:15:09,269
it would lead to a kiss.
427
00:15:09,271 --> 00:15:11,271
This is about priorities.
428
00:15:11,273 --> 00:15:13,940
What if those feet
were real babies?
429
00:15:13,942 --> 00:15:16,609
Would you walk on them
to work?
430
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:17,777
What kind of mother
are you,
431
00:15:17,779 --> 00:15:19,262
you beautiful monster?
432
00:15:19,264 --> 00:15:21,531
Hazel, I have missed
one show in seven years,
433
00:15:21,533 --> 00:15:23,149
and it did not go well.
434
00:15:23,151 --> 00:15:24,434
Aah!
435
00:15:24,436 --> 00:15:26,903
Josh, help me!
436
00:15:26,905 --> 00:15:29,155
You're not gonna
miss the show.
437
00:15:29,157 --> 00:15:32,275
You're gonna watch it
on the feed, baby girl.
438
00:15:32,277 --> 00:15:34,077
Idiot.
439
00:15:34,079 --> 00:15:36,629
I'll be next to Pete
the whole time.
440
00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:38,248
And if there's
an emergency,
441
00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:39,949
your wheelchair's
right outside.
442
00:15:39,951 --> 00:15:41,634
Well, I guess
that could work.
443
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:44,254
Let me be
your eyes on set.
444
00:15:44,256 --> 00:15:47,007
Although I can never match
that amazing color.
445
00:15:47,009 --> 00:15:49,592
Criss calls it
"old-timey football."
446
00:15:49,594 --> 00:15:51,094
[Giggles]
447
00:16:04,092 --> 00:16:06,792
Five minutes to air. Five minutes.
448
00:16:06,818 --> 00:16:09,738
Wow.
This is really working.
449
00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:12,240
Hey, is that me?
450
00:16:12,242 --> 00:16:15,126
Okay, no,
that can't be...
451
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,115
Oh, brother, that's me!
452
00:16:25,754 --> 00:16:28,422
It's an old show?
Son of a...
453
00:16:28,424 --> 00:16:29,957
Well, this email
is from Liz.
454
00:16:29,959 --> 00:16:31,058
Duh.
455
00:16:31,060 --> 00:16:33,327
Now, for my act,
I'm gonna need a tarp
456
00:16:33,329 --> 00:16:36,330
because the first three rows
will get wet.
457
00:16:37,649 --> 00:16:39,150
[Grunts]
458
00:16:39,152 --> 00:16:41,352
Why are my arms so weak?
459
00:16:41,354 --> 00:16:44,021
It's like I did that push-up
last year for nothing.
460
00:16:44,023 --> 00:16:45,990
And two minutes to air.
Two minutes!
461
00:16:45,992 --> 00:16:48,309
[Grunts]
Aah.
462
00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:51,112
I'm sorry, babies.
463
00:16:51,114 --> 00:16:54,115
[Dramatic music]
464
00:16:54,117 --> 00:16:57,484
465
00:16:57,486 --> 00:16:59,870
Aah!
466
00:16:59,872 --> 00:17:02,256
Ow!
467
00:17:02,258 --> 00:17:04,925
[Groans]
468
00:17:04,927 --> 00:17:07,178
Aah!
469
00:17:09,881 --> 00:17:11,465
Wassername!
470
00:17:11,467 --> 00:17:14,001
Huh? Oh...
Oh, where am I?
471
00:17:14,003 --> 00:17:16,354
[Gasps]
Oh, Pete roofied me.
472
00:17:17,773 --> 00:17:19,106
Seriously, Hornberger?
473
00:17:19,108 --> 00:17:20,524
You were gonna
put her on the air?
474
00:17:20,526 --> 00:17:22,860
You told me to!
I have your email.
475
00:17:22,862 --> 00:17:24,979
"P-Dog, let's use Hazel
in the cold open.
476
00:17:24,981 --> 00:17:26,314
"Don't call me about this.
477
00:17:26,316 --> 00:17:27,782
Catch you on
the flippy-floppy."
478
00:17:27,784 --> 00:17:29,033
That's you.
479
00:17:29,035 --> 00:17:31,369
You people
killed my foot babies.
480
00:17:31,371 --> 00:17:35,239
My foot babies died
because of this show!
481
00:17:35,241 --> 00:17:37,291
- You're fired.
- You can't fire me.
482
00:17:37,293 --> 00:17:38,876
You don't even know
my real name.
483
00:17:38,878 --> 00:17:41,746
Get out! Now!
484
00:17:41,748 --> 00:17:45,082
- [Squawks]
- Ow.
485
00:17:45,084 --> 00:17:47,868
Did you just
fire my girlfriend?
486
00:17:47,870 --> 00:17:49,420
She's crazy, Kenneth.
487
00:17:49,422 --> 00:17:50,921
No, she's not.
488
00:17:50,923 --> 00:17:53,090
Ms. Maroney knows
the real Hazel.
489
00:17:53,092 --> 00:17:54,759
Tell them
what I told you.
490
00:17:54,761 --> 00:17:56,560
Oh, God,
what do I do?
491
00:17:56,562 --> 00:17:58,179
Help me, me.
492
00:17:58,181 --> 00:17:59,680
This one's on you, bitch.
493
00:17:59,682 --> 00:18:04,385
[Car door slams
and tires screeching]
494
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:06,220
Were you not listening?
495
00:18:06,222 --> 00:18:07,571
I think a song
right now would...
496
00:18:07,573 --> 00:18:08,906
That's it!
497
00:18:08,908 --> 00:18:12,076
From now on, my relationship
with all of you
498
00:18:12,078 --> 00:18:14,895
is strictly professional.
499
00:18:14,897 --> 00:18:16,864
We are no longer friends.
500
00:18:16,866 --> 00:18:18,616
I am just a co-worker
who would do
501
00:18:18,618 --> 00:18:21,402
anything for any of you
at any time.
502
00:18:21,404 --> 00:18:22,736
Nothing more!
503
00:18:22,738 --> 00:18:26,073
And we're live
in three, two...
504
00:18:28,043 --> 00:18:32,096
[Crickets chirping]
505
00:18:32,098 --> 00:18:34,215
Oh, yeah.
They didn't write anything.
506
00:18:34,217 --> 00:18:37,101
[Crying]
507
00:18:42,641 --> 00:18:44,809
Tracy, this is a surprise.
508
00:18:44,811 --> 00:18:46,994
I thought you'd be at home
licking your wounds.
509
00:18:46,996 --> 00:18:49,447
No, that's why
they put that cone on me.
510
00:18:49,449 --> 00:18:53,267
I just wanted
to give you this.
511
00:18:53,269 --> 00:18:55,703
"You are cordially invited
to attend the premiere
512
00:18:55,705 --> 00:18:57,938
"of Tracy Jordan'sAunt Phatso's
513
00:18:57,940 --> 00:18:59,657
"Jack Donaghy'swe at it again.
514
00:18:59,659 --> 00:19:01,409
"A percentage
of the film's profits
515
00:19:01,411 --> 00:19:03,944
will go to support
the Knuckle Beach Orphanage."
516
00:19:03,946 --> 00:19:05,112
I don't understand.
517
00:19:05,114 --> 00:19:06,797
Without that money,
the orphanage
518
00:19:06,799 --> 00:19:08,332
is gonna have to close.
519
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:11,452
So if I shut down
the movie,
520
00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:14,054
I actually will
close down an orphanage.
521
00:19:14,056 --> 00:19:16,390
Which means the movie
isn't libelous.
522
00:19:16,392 --> 00:19:20,845
Which means I can't
shut down the movie.
523
00:19:20,847 --> 00:19:24,465
That's... genius.
524
00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:26,434
You win, Tracy.
525
00:19:26,436 --> 00:19:27,968
You bested Jack Donaghy.
526
00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:30,304
Now you finally
respect me.
527
00:19:30,306 --> 00:19:32,323
And that's
all I ever wanted.
528
00:19:32,325 --> 00:19:34,608
I really can't stop you
from portraying me
529
00:19:34,610 --> 00:19:36,026
as the villain
in your films.
530
00:19:36,028 --> 00:19:37,244
What? Come on.
531
00:19:37,246 --> 00:19:39,447
Did you not watch
the whole movie, Jackie D?
532
00:19:39,449 --> 00:19:41,198
Well, it's 47 minutes long.
533
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,984
In the end, Jack Donaghy
is not the villain.
534
00:19:43,986 --> 00:19:45,652
You win, Aunt Phatso.
535
00:19:45,654 --> 00:19:48,122
You bested Jack Donaghy.
536
00:19:48,124 --> 00:19:50,324
Now you finally
respect me.
537
00:19:50,326 --> 00:19:52,626
And that's all
I ever wanted...
538
00:19:52,628 --> 00:19:55,662
Except maybe that
hot little body of yours.
539
00:19:55,664 --> 00:19:57,431
Great Caesar's ghost!
[Sultry music]
540
00:19:57,433 --> 00:20:00,217
[Laughs]
Aw, baby.
541
00:20:00,219 --> 00:20:02,169
Hm. Our thing
sure is playing out
542
00:20:02,171 --> 00:20:04,472
just like the movie.
543
00:20:04,474 --> 00:20:09,510
[Sultry music]
544
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,061
- Oh, look, it's Liz!
- Good old Liz!
545
00:20:11,063 --> 00:20:13,230
Well, my feet
are ruined.
546
00:20:13,232 --> 00:20:14,949
The show
was an embarrassment.
547
00:20:14,951 --> 00:20:16,683
But I learned something
super fun.
548
00:20:16,685 --> 00:20:18,402
I will never be able
to have a family
549
00:20:18,404 --> 00:20:20,404
and work at TGS.
550
00:20:20,406 --> 00:20:22,206
It's just not possible.
551
00:20:22,208 --> 00:20:23,524
So what do I do?
552
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:26,076
Don't ask me.
Tracy's the genius here.
553
00:20:26,078 --> 00:20:29,380
Oh, well,
tray, I'm scared.
554
00:20:29,382 --> 00:20:31,131
Do I give up
on my dream job,
555
00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:33,334
something I've worked
my whole life to build?
556
00:20:33,336 --> 00:20:36,804
Or do I give up on my dream
of having a family?
557
00:20:36,806 --> 00:20:41,642
Well, as a wise woman
once told me...
558
00:20:41,644 --> 00:20:43,727
[As Aunt Phatso]
Respect these boobies!
559
00:20:43,729 --> 00:20:48,516
[Laughter]
560
00:20:48,518 --> 00:20:50,534
Seriously though,
what am I gonna do?
561
00:20:58,816 --> 00:21:01,818
[Playing orchestral version
of The Streetbeater]
562
00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:03,420
563
00:21:21,327 --> 00:21:24,827
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
564
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,114
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
565
00:21:28,164 --> 00:21:32,714
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40227
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