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1
00:00:04,852 --> 00:00:06,653
Liz, there's someone
in the apartment.
2
00:00:07,922 --> 00:00:11,158
Someone who thinks
you're special
3
00:00:11,192 --> 00:00:14,461
in every single way
4
00:00:14,495 --> 00:00:17,948
I wrote this song
to wish you
5
00:00:17,982 --> 00:00:21,802
a happy Valentine's Day
6
00:00:21,836 --> 00:00:23,603
and the chorus goes here
7
00:00:23,621 --> 00:00:24,938
yeah this is where
the chorus goes
8
00:00:24,972 --> 00:00:28,542
Criss, I...
9
00:00:28,576 --> 00:00:30,961
I didn't have time
to write it
10
00:00:30,995 --> 00:00:34,247
but the chorus goes here
11
00:00:34,281 --> 00:00:36,783
Yeah!
This is the chorus
12
00:00:36,801 --> 00:00:38,001
Criss! Criss, it's okay.
13
00:00:38,052 --> 00:00:39,419
I really don't care about
Valentine's.
14
00:00:39,454 --> 00:00:41,288
But you're a lady.
15
00:00:41,322 --> 00:00:42,589
Right?
16
00:00:42,623 --> 00:00:44,791
Why haven't I seen pictures
of you as a baby?
17
00:00:44,826 --> 00:00:46,593
You know what I like
to celebrate on February 14th?
18
00:00:46,627 --> 00:00:49,796
The 1920 founding of
the league of women voters
19
00:00:49,831 --> 00:00:51,064
in Chicago, Illinois.
20
00:00:51,098 --> 00:00:52,732
They were
supposed to meet
21
00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:56,403
on the 13th,
but they all got lost, so...
22
00:00:56,437 --> 00:00:58,021
But Valentine's Day
is fun, Liz.
23
00:00:58,072 --> 00:00:59,322
I wrote you a song,
24
00:00:59,357 --> 00:01:03,109
I found you an awesome clip
on Youtube.
25
00:01:03,143 --> 00:01:04,161
Good morning, everybody.
26
00:01:04,195 --> 00:01:05,311
I'm hanging out with
my friend, John.
27
00:01:05,329 --> 00:01:07,364
Fox 5 morning news starts...
Look over there.
28
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:10,567
And it starts right now.
29
00:01:10,601 --> 00:01:13,086
Oh, boy.
30
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,789
And that's
just the beginning.
31
00:01:15,823 --> 00:01:17,891
All right, Chros,
all right.
32
00:01:17,925 --> 00:01:19,259
What else do you have planned?
33
00:01:19,293 --> 00:01:20,293
I don't know.
34
00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:21,928
How about dinner
at some place amazing?
35
00:01:21,963 --> 00:01:23,196
You're kidding, right?
36
00:01:23,231 --> 00:01:24,698
It's New York, on Valentine's.
37
00:01:24,732 --> 00:01:25,699
You need a reservation.
38
00:01:25,733 --> 00:01:26,700
All right, so I'll make one.
39
00:01:26,734 --> 00:01:29,669
Right now.
40
00:01:29,687 --> 00:01:31,304
No, it's too late.
41
00:01:31,339 --> 00:01:33,540
Happy
"league of women voters day."
42
00:01:33,574 --> 00:01:35,208
I've got a better idea.
43
00:01:35,243 --> 00:01:36,943
I will make you dinner at home.
44
00:01:36,978 --> 00:01:38,511
Mashed potatoes
in a Martini glass,
45
00:01:38,529 --> 00:01:40,513
we'll open some of that wine
we didn't give the super
46
00:01:40,531 --> 00:01:41,898
for Christmas because you
decided it would come off
47
00:01:41,949 --> 00:01:43,350
as racist.
48
00:01:43,384 --> 00:01:45,869
I'm glad we gave him
those G.E.D. books instead.
49
00:01:45,903 --> 00:01:47,186
We're gonna
use real silverware.
50
00:01:47,205 --> 00:01:48,538
We're gonna light some candles.
51
00:01:48,573 --> 00:01:50,457
We'll play the soundtrack
to Major League.
52
00:01:50,491 --> 00:01:52,726
You're making fun of me,
but that love song is awesome.
53
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,361
All in the comfort
of our own living room.
54
00:01:55,379 --> 00:01:57,330
Look, Criss, you need to know
what you're up against here.
55
00:01:57,364 --> 00:02:00,500
I am 0 for 40
on Valentine's Day.
56
00:02:00,534 --> 00:02:02,168
I will waste you!
57
00:02:02,202 --> 00:02:04,971
You'll have to go through
this old bastard first!
58
00:02:05,006 --> 00:02:09,309
Bon Jovi.
59
00:02:09,343 --> 00:02:11,678
No, no, no, no, no,
Lemon.
60
00:02:11,712 --> 00:02:13,813
Liz,
61
00:02:13,848 --> 00:02:15,682
you know, my mom did just die.
62
00:02:15,716 --> 00:02:19,687
Will you be my Valentine?
63
00:02:20,321 --> 00:02:22,322
I just realized I'm gay.
64
00:02:22,356 --> 00:02:24,224
If this is going
to be "unterrible"
65
00:02:24,258 --> 00:02:25,358
for the first time ever,
66
00:02:25,393 --> 00:02:26,893
I'm not eating off
a coffee table.
67
00:02:26,911 --> 00:02:29,062
Well, you know,
for thousands of years
68
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,164
Japanese diners have used
traditional tatami mats...
69
00:02:32,199 --> 00:02:33,166
Okay, no, no, no.
70
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,233
We'll get a real table.
71
00:02:34,252 --> 00:02:35,869
But we're going
to need one by tonight.
72
00:02:35,903 --> 00:02:37,604
That leaves us
only one option.
73
00:02:37,638 --> 00:02:39,739
We, as a couple,
74
00:02:39,774 --> 00:02:41,708
are going to Ikea.
75
00:02:45,596 --> 00:02:46,579
Were you playing golf?
76
00:02:46,597 --> 00:02:47,747
It's freezing out.
77
00:02:47,782 --> 00:02:49,215
Yes, I was.
78
00:02:49,249 --> 00:02:52,052
In Avery's absence, I have
extra time each day to,
79
00:02:52,086 --> 00:02:53,219
how do I put this?
80
00:02:53,254 --> 00:02:54,454
Release some energy.
81
00:02:54,488 --> 00:02:55,855
Are we talking
about something gross?
82
00:02:55,890 --> 00:02:57,223
My animus has become pent up.
83
00:02:57,258 --> 00:02:58,892
Why don't you just
come out and say
84
00:02:58,926 --> 00:03:00,310
you haven't had
85
00:03:00,361 --> 00:03:02,595
"mommy-daddy
sheet monster times."
86
00:03:02,613 --> 00:03:04,397
I'm not about to cheat
on the woman I love,
87
00:03:04,432 --> 00:03:07,734
and I've never "mommy-daddy
sheet monstered" myself.
88
00:03:07,768 --> 00:03:09,769
Never? Not even during
the Love Boat reunion?
89
00:03:11,572 --> 00:03:12,539
Anyway, sorry you're alone.
90
00:03:12,573 --> 00:03:13,573
I certainly know what it's like
91
00:03:13,607 --> 00:03:16,810
to have
a crummy Valentine's Day.
92
00:03:16,844 --> 00:03:19,412
We're not going to chili's
until I hit one.
93
00:03:21,882 --> 00:03:25,051
Go tell the guy the machine's
not fast enough.
94
00:03:26,487 --> 00:03:29,422
I would kill to get hit in the
crotch by a baseball today.
95
00:03:29,457 --> 00:03:31,725
Not only is my wife
12,000 miles away,
96
00:03:31,759 --> 00:03:34,728
my mother-in-law
has decided to visit.
97
00:03:34,762 --> 00:03:36,062
No. I've never had
a mother-in-law,
98
00:03:36,097 --> 00:03:37,981
but I have seen
Everybody loves Raymond.
99
00:03:38,015 --> 00:03:39,866
"Debra, where's the figurine
I gave you?
100
00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:41,318
Raymond, I gave Debra
a figurine."
101
00:03:41,352 --> 00:03:42,468
"Ma!"
102
00:03:42,486 --> 00:03:44,537
The Jessups are very white
and very proper.
103
00:03:44,572 --> 00:03:47,641
The first Jessup moved
to this country in 1760
104
00:03:47,675 --> 00:03:52,112
to avoid an embarrassing
regifting incident.
105
00:03:52,146 --> 00:03:56,950
But, my lord, I gave you these
dueling pistols last yuletide.
106
00:03:56,984 --> 00:03:57,951
Yes, of course.
107
00:03:57,985 --> 00:04:03,957
Now, if you'll excuse me.
108
00:04:06,326 --> 00:04:08,928
It's been difficult
to get Diana to acknowledge
109
00:04:08,963 --> 00:04:10,864
the reality of what's happened
to her daughter.
110
00:04:10,898 --> 00:04:11,931
What is she,
an Egyptian crocodile?
111
00:04:11,966 --> 00:04:13,933
'Cause she is in "denial."
112
00:04:13,968 --> 00:04:15,185
I've had two coffees.
113
00:04:15,219 --> 00:04:16,970
Anyway,
you'll be happy to hear
114
00:04:17,004 --> 00:04:18,438
that I am giving Valentine's
115
00:04:18,472 --> 00:04:19,806
a second chance this year.
116
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:21,441
And here we are on six.
For the first...
117
00:04:21,475 --> 00:04:22,609
What a shame.
118
00:04:22,643 --> 00:04:24,878
It felt like we were
just getting started.
119
00:04:24,912 --> 00:04:26,046
"Ma!"
120
00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:42,608
30 ROCK
S06 Ep. 06 - Hey, Baby, What's Wrong
121
00:04:43,179 --> 00:04:46,679
Sync, corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
122
00:04:46,734 --> 00:04:48,752
Hazel, most people think
of Valentine's Day
123
00:04:48,803 --> 00:04:52,055
as a celebration of the burning
of a catholic loudmouth, but
124
00:04:52,089 --> 00:04:53,473
it's also about love.
125
00:04:53,507 --> 00:04:55,809
And escort prices
going way up.
126
00:04:55,843 --> 00:04:58,144
Okay, so, how appropriate
that on Valentine's,
127
00:04:58,179 --> 00:05:01,714
I introduce you to
the new love of your life:
128
00:05:01,732 --> 00:05:05,919
This job, and everyone here.
129
00:05:05,953 --> 00:05:10,890
This is kind of the nerve center of
TGS..., the page desk.
130
00:05:10,908 --> 00:05:12,442
I've had a desk before.
131
00:05:12,493 --> 00:05:14,327
I managed
a haunted house upstate.
132
00:05:14,361 --> 00:05:15,662
But, as you know,
133
00:05:15,696 --> 00:05:18,098
the haunted house industry
is a real boys' club.
134
00:05:18,132 --> 00:05:19,365
Sure, it's hard,
135
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,167
changing careers at my age.
136
00:05:21,202 --> 00:05:22,735
Well, I wouldn't know anything
137
00:05:22,753 --> 00:05:24,254
about being too old
for something.
138
00:05:24,288 --> 00:05:28,041
But here I am, in New York,
living at a 24 hour fitness,
139
00:05:28,075 --> 00:05:30,243
just ready to be inspired.
140
00:05:30,261 --> 00:05:31,344
Hazel, right?
141
00:05:31,378 --> 00:05:32,545
Yeah.
142
00:05:32,579 --> 00:05:34,214
It's so great to have a woman
page here...
143
00:05:34,248 --> 00:05:35,381
Thanks.
144
00:05:35,415 --> 00:05:37,450
To test unapproved Japanese
medications on.
145
00:05:37,485 --> 00:05:39,185
Swallow.
146
00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:41,104
Swallow.
147
00:05:41,138 --> 00:05:42,588
Good girl.
148
00:05:42,606 --> 00:05:44,641
Now, let me know if all
your pubic hair falls out.
149
00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:45,975
Oh, my God!
150
00:05:46,026 --> 00:05:47,560
No, that's what
it's supposed to do.
151
00:05:47,595 --> 00:05:52,632
I want to make sure
it doesn't cause seizures.
152
00:05:52,666 --> 00:05:54,701
Sorry to crash
this sausage party...
153
00:05:54,735 --> 00:05:55,702
Unnecessary.
154
00:05:55,736 --> 00:05:57,270
But I have an emergency.
155
00:05:57,288 --> 00:05:59,706
Sebastian, the producer of
America's kidz got singing,
156
00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:01,775
OD'd last night
in Guy Fieri's apartment.
157
00:06:01,809 --> 00:06:03,376
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
158
00:06:03,378 --> 00:06:03,293
Terrible for me.
159
00:06:03,378 --> 00:06:04,711
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
160
00:06:04,745 --> 00:06:06,813
Tonight's our first live show,
I'm singing,
161
00:06:06,847 --> 00:06:08,815
and we don't have
a line producer.
162
00:06:08,849 --> 00:06:09,799
So I need to borrow Pete.
163
00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:10,967
On Valentine's Day?
164
00:06:11,001 --> 00:06:12,635
No, Pete's got to
go home to his wife.
165
00:06:12,670 --> 00:06:14,721
Actually, Paula didn't want
to do anything for Valentine's,
166
00:06:14,755 --> 00:06:15,922
so she's just going
out to dinner
167
00:06:15,956 --> 00:06:18,457
with her tennis instructor,
mark.
168
00:06:18,476 --> 00:06:21,294
Perfect.
Sound check's at 1:00.
169
00:06:21,312 --> 00:06:23,830
I'm having Sebastian's lucky
earring sent from the morgue.
170
00:06:23,864 --> 00:06:25,148
Wear it.
171
00:06:25,182 --> 00:06:26,800
So you're not spending
tonight with Paul?
172
00:06:26,834 --> 00:06:27,967
No, Paul's been performing on
173
00:06:27,985 --> 00:06:29,903
a transvestite cruise
for the last month.
174
00:06:29,937 --> 00:06:33,472
It's called "Caribbean queens"
for emphasize "No more love on the run".
175
00:06:33,491 --> 00:06:36,025
Billy Ocean is furious,
and very litigious.
176
00:06:36,076 --> 00:06:39,112
But he's powerless as long as they
stay in international waters.
177
00:06:39,146 --> 00:06:40,280
Sure.
178
00:06:40,314 --> 00:06:43,249
Since you asked,
Criss and I are going to Ikea.
179
00:06:43,284 --> 00:06:44,951
For the hate-sex
after your fight?
180
00:06:44,985 --> 00:06:45,952
Good idea.
181
00:06:45,986 --> 00:06:46,953
No, we're not going to fight.
182
00:06:46,987 --> 00:06:48,004
We're getting one thing.
183
00:06:48,038 --> 00:06:49,005
I have a plan...
184
00:06:49,039 --> 00:06:50,323
you're going to fight.
185
00:06:50,341 --> 00:06:51,624
Ikea's where I used
to go pick up
186
00:06:51,659 --> 00:06:53,426
newly-single vulnerable chicks.
187
00:06:53,460 --> 00:06:55,995
I've gotten women there two,
three points hotter than me.
188
00:06:56,013 --> 00:06:59,666
So, you know...fours.
189
00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:01,050
Look, I don't want to go.
190
00:07:01,101 --> 00:07:02,519
But we need a table.
191
00:07:02,553 --> 00:07:04,704
And if Criss thinks he's the guy
to get Liz Lemon on board
192
00:07:04,738 --> 00:07:07,506
with "Saint
lame-entine's nay"...
193
00:07:07,525 --> 00:07:08,842
Honey, that sucks.
194
00:07:08,876 --> 00:07:10,844
We better be able to survive
a simple trip to Ikea.
195
00:07:10,878 --> 00:07:12,579
No, Liz, don't test it.
196
00:07:12,613 --> 00:07:14,864
Especially this early
in a relationship.
197
00:07:14,899 --> 00:07:17,317
It's like when Mickey Rourke
tested his catapult on me.
198
00:07:17,351 --> 00:07:20,720
I was almost listening.
199
00:07:20,754 --> 00:07:21,955
Where are you going?
200
00:07:21,989 --> 00:07:23,723
You never take my advice.
201
00:07:23,757 --> 00:07:25,625
Ms. Maroney.
202
00:07:25,659 --> 00:07:27,877
Thank you, Kenneth.
203
00:07:27,912 --> 00:07:32,498
We'll take a pube count,
but it doesn't feel worth it.
204
00:07:32,532 --> 00:07:35,668
Maybe I'm hitting
them too hard.
205
00:07:35,703 --> 00:07:38,004
And I should not have walked
past that sporting goods store
206
00:07:38,038 --> 00:07:39,906
where the mannequins
have nipples.
207
00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:41,641
And what race were
those mannequins,
208
00:07:41,675 --> 00:07:43,743
because their skin was gray.
209
00:07:43,777 --> 00:07:46,946
They were like
faceless sex aliens.
210
00:07:46,981 --> 00:07:48,514
Jack.
211
00:07:48,548 --> 00:07:51,434
Diana, you're here,
I thought you'd be at the house.
212
00:07:51,485 --> 00:07:53,820
Yes, I dropped my bags off
and shook hands with the baby,
213
00:07:53,854 --> 00:07:57,257
but I wanted to come talk
to you about Avery's situation.
214
00:07:57,291 --> 00:07:59,025
What situation is that?
215
00:07:59,059 --> 00:08:01,160
According to
your Christmas letter,
216
00:08:01,195 --> 00:08:03,196
Avery is in Asia on business.
217
00:08:03,230 --> 00:08:04,998
You know
that she was kidnapped
218
00:08:05,032 --> 00:08:06,933
by the north Korean
secret police.
219
00:08:06,967 --> 00:08:08,268
Don't be vulgar.
220
00:08:08,302 --> 00:08:09,969
As we said in the letter,
she'll be back soon
221
00:08:10,004 --> 00:08:12,105
with some charming
Asian ceramics.
222
00:08:12,139 --> 00:08:15,675
I'm sorry, but who is this
"we" you keep referring to?
223
00:08:15,709 --> 00:08:19,078
Your husband has been dead
for 15 years.
224
00:08:19,096 --> 00:08:21,381
Wonderful news. You know
our pacing horse, squanto?
225
00:08:21,415 --> 00:08:23,583
She's foaling in the spring.
226
00:08:23,617 --> 00:08:24,884
Diana, I know
the Jessups don't like
227
00:08:24,918 --> 00:08:25,885
to talk about
unpleasant matters.
228
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,153
But sometimes I feel like
229
00:08:27,187 --> 00:08:28,972
I'm the only person trying
to get Avery back.
230
00:08:29,023 --> 00:08:33,159
Well, that is what
I wanted to discuss.
231
00:08:33,193 --> 00:08:36,396
It has been months, and I feel
like nothing has happened.
232
00:08:36,430 --> 00:08:37,730
Diana,
233
00:08:37,765 --> 00:08:41,501
extracting an American
from North Korea is a, uh...
234
00:08:45,606 --> 00:08:48,574
Is a lot more difficult
than organizing
235
00:08:48,608 --> 00:08:50,543
a round-Robin paddle
tennis tournament.
236
00:08:50,577 --> 00:08:51,678
What about organizing
237
00:08:51,712 --> 00:08:55,081
three round-Robin paddle
tennis tournaments?
238
00:08:55,115 --> 00:08:56,582
I heard that one
of them was a disaster.
239
00:08:56,617 --> 00:08:58,151
Who told you that?
240
00:08:58,185 --> 00:08:59,152
Bebe Butler?
241
00:08:59,186 --> 00:09:03,423
She's trying
to destroy me.
242
00:09:03,457 --> 00:09:05,992
This situation has
become embarrassing.
243
00:09:06,026 --> 00:09:08,127
One of Frederick's
old Washington friends
244
00:09:08,162 --> 00:09:10,964
has some connections with
the Transylvanian consulate
245
00:09:10,998 --> 00:09:12,098
at the united nations.
246
00:09:12,132 --> 00:09:13,299
I made an appointment
for both of us.
247
00:09:13,317 --> 00:09:14,634
Let me stop you right there.
248
00:09:14,668 --> 00:09:18,137
I've been to the U.N.
repeatedly.
249
00:09:18,155 --> 00:09:21,941
Mein herr,
meine frau Avery Jessup...
250
00:09:21,976 --> 00:09:24,110
Kim Jong-Il
vuvuzela
251
00:09:24,144 --> 00:09:25,244
Charlize Theron...
252
00:09:25,279 --> 00:09:26,679
Boomerang my Sheila back
253
00:09:26,714 --> 00:09:27,914
to her Joey, mate.
254
00:09:27,948 --> 00:09:29,832
And it's gotten me nowhere.
255
00:09:29,867 --> 00:09:31,784
The U.N. is
a useless organization,
256
00:09:31,819 --> 00:09:33,519
with a ridiculous army.
257
00:09:33,554 --> 00:09:35,338
Robin's egg blue helmets?
258
00:09:35,372 --> 00:09:36,556
Great camouflage,
259
00:09:36,590 --> 00:09:38,491
if you're invading
an easter egg hunt.
260
00:09:38,525 --> 00:09:40,426
Jack, perhaps you're
not having success
261
00:09:40,461 --> 00:09:42,261
because of that attitude.
262
00:09:42,296 --> 00:09:44,530
I find you catch
more flies with honey.
263
00:09:44,565 --> 00:09:46,866
First of all,
why do you want flies?
264
00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:50,970
Our appointment is at 11:00.
265
00:09:51,005 --> 00:09:52,805
Strewth, what a bull-dingered
266
00:09:52,839 --> 00:09:55,007
Valentine's Day.
267
00:09:55,025 --> 00:09:56,342
And Jack?
268
00:09:56,377 --> 00:09:58,745
I speak Australian.
269
00:10:07,527 --> 00:10:08,877
Let ferry ride,
270
00:10:08,878 --> 00:10:11,779
was the first time when we've
ever been on a boat together.
271
00:10:12,027 --> 00:10:13,694
Unless you count that time
when the goose chased you
272
00:10:13,728 --> 00:10:15,846
into the Central Park boat pond.
273
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:17,848
Criss, I need
to ask you something.
274
00:10:17,882 --> 00:10:19,683
Have you ever been to an Ikea?
275
00:10:19,718 --> 00:10:21,552
Do you know what
we're walking into?
276
00:10:21,586 --> 00:10:23,153
You know what?
I like myself.
277
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:24,705
I have good taste in drapes.
278
00:10:24,739 --> 00:10:27,591
I wish I'd died on Iwo Jima
and never met you.
279
00:10:29,027 --> 00:10:30,227
What was that?
280
00:10:30,261 --> 00:10:31,562
Not us.
281
00:10:31,596 --> 00:10:33,530
We are a good team,
and we have a plan.
282
00:10:33,565 --> 00:10:35,749
We're going to go in, get the
kurtz with the birch veneer,
283
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,034
and then get out.
284
00:10:37,052 --> 00:10:39,570
Then go home and have
an amazing night together.
285
00:10:39,604 --> 00:10:41,055
I just got my period.
286
00:10:41,089 --> 00:10:43,507
Liz, what are
you worried about?
287
00:10:43,541 --> 00:10:45,926
Come on,
this is gonna be fun.
288
00:10:45,977 --> 00:10:48,178
I'm going back
to those cute bowls.
289
00:10:48,213 --> 00:10:52,516
I swear to God,
I will stab you!
290
00:10:56,121 --> 00:10:57,554
So tense.
291
00:10:57,589 --> 00:10:59,857
Just like my mom's back.
292
00:11:03,945 --> 00:11:06,864
Dude, what was that?
293
00:11:06,898 --> 00:11:08,298
I just don't want
to be alone today.
294
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:10,434
In 48 years, I haven't
had one good Valentine's.
295
00:11:10,468 --> 00:11:11,802
Man, if I weren't
with Lynn now
296
00:11:11,836 --> 00:11:12,970
we could team up.
297
00:11:13,004 --> 00:11:14,738
Valentine's Day
is the perfect time
298
00:11:14,773 --> 00:11:15,939
to meet vulnerable women.
299
00:11:15,974 --> 00:11:17,541
It's scumbag Christmas!
300
00:11:17,575 --> 00:11:19,043
Just tell me what to do.
301
00:11:19,077 --> 00:11:21,245
Look, guys like us have
to pick low-hanging fruit.
302
00:11:21,279 --> 00:11:23,430
We look like Far side drawings.
303
00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:25,749
So we go where women are
sad, desperate, and weak...
304
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,968
Cat shelters, blood banks,
the ice cream stand
305
00:11:28,019 --> 00:11:30,421
at a Celtic woman concert...
And we strike.
306
00:11:30,455 --> 00:11:32,606
Another good place
is the beauty salon,
307
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,142
where white girls try
to do black hair.
308
00:11:35,193 --> 00:11:37,561
Sisters come out crying, feeling
all bad about themselves,
309
00:11:37,595 --> 00:11:39,646
and we walk up on them all,
310
00:11:39,697 --> 00:11:42,099
"Hey, baby,
what's wrong?"
311
00:11:42,117 --> 00:11:44,802
You're married,
I actually have a girlfriend,
312
00:11:44,836 --> 00:11:46,770
all our dirtbag knowledge
is going to go to waste.
313
00:11:46,788 --> 00:11:47,988
No, it's not.
314
00:11:48,039 --> 00:11:51,241
Lutz, prepare for
the adventure of a lifetime.
315
00:11:51,276 --> 00:11:53,944
Then after we watch
Fievel goes west,
316
00:11:53,962 --> 00:11:57,448
we're gonna get you some action.
317
00:11:57,482 --> 00:11:59,800
Hey, you needed to see me?
318
00:11:59,834 --> 00:12:02,152
Did you book a female
hair-person for me tonight?
319
00:12:02,187 --> 00:12:03,804
Who's Karen?
320
00:12:03,838 --> 00:12:06,824
I need someone named Trentence,
or Orbino.
321
00:12:06,858 --> 00:12:09,059
Get in the game, Pete.
Your star is freaking out.
322
00:12:09,094 --> 00:12:10,060
What are you freaking
out about?
323
00:12:10,095 --> 00:12:11,662
You sing live all the time.
324
00:12:11,696 --> 00:12:13,847
This is different.
325
00:12:13,898 --> 00:12:15,649
It's not some rinky-dink
late night show
326
00:12:15,683 --> 00:12:17,101
that a bald idiot produces.
327
00:12:17,135 --> 00:12:20,270
It's the largest audience
I've ever performed for.
328
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:23,273
And after spending all season
ripping cute kids new ones,
329
00:12:23,308 --> 00:12:24,942
everyone wants me to fail.
330
00:12:24,976 --> 00:12:27,277
Tomorrow night on
America's kidz got singing,
331
00:12:27,312 --> 00:12:30,681
the judge becomes
the opposite of the judge.
332
00:12:30,715 --> 00:12:32,449
Come on, guys,
a little effort.
333
00:12:32,484 --> 00:12:34,251
Jenna Maroney's singing live,
334
00:12:34,285 --> 00:12:37,054
and all of America is just
waiting for that
335
00:12:37,088 --> 00:12:40,791
To get over and over
and over again with a.
336
00:12:40,825 --> 00:12:42,559
Nice bleeping.
Sorry about earlier.
337
00:12:42,594 --> 00:12:44,528
Jenna, you need to relax.
338
00:12:44,562 --> 00:12:46,847
Listen up, if tonight isn't
a huge "jiumph,"
339
00:12:46,881 --> 00:12:48,098
which is short for
"Jenna triumph,"
340
00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:49,099
it's on you.
341
00:12:49,134 --> 00:12:50,384
And like all celebrities,
342
00:12:50,435 --> 00:12:52,870
I'm very good
at shifting the blame.
343
00:12:52,904 --> 00:12:55,439
I attacked Nancy Kerrigan.
344
00:12:58,443 --> 00:13:00,677
- Did you get my message?
- Yes, your excellency.
345
00:13:00,695 --> 00:13:02,212
And I also wish you,
346
00:13:02,247 --> 00:13:06,733
a "bear-y" happy
Valentine's Day.
347
00:13:06,784 --> 00:13:08,852
He said it'll be another hour.
348
00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:12,206
The assistant attache has
a few minutes around 14:30.
349
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,226
14:30? You do know that this
office is in America, right?
350
00:13:16,261 --> 00:13:17,561
Do you see a 14
on my watch?
351
00:13:17,595 --> 00:13:19,129
Yes, it's the date.
352
00:13:19,164 --> 00:13:20,330
Happy Valentine's Day.
353
00:13:20,365 --> 00:13:21,532
That's cute.
354
00:13:21,566 --> 00:13:23,333
And what insolvent country
do you come from?
355
00:13:23,368 --> 00:13:25,402
New Jersey.
I'm just a weirdo.
356
00:13:25,436 --> 00:13:27,004
Will you please
stop being so hostile?
357
00:13:27,038 --> 00:13:28,972
You just make everything worse.
358
00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:31,091
No wonder you haven't
accomplished anything.
359
00:13:31,142 --> 00:13:33,143
You know what?
Avery loved a good fight.
360
00:13:33,178 --> 00:13:35,429
She used to call the cable
company and dispute our bill,
361
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:36,747
just for the sport of it.
362
00:13:36,781 --> 00:13:39,750
She wouldn't stand for
this dog and pony show.
363
00:13:39,784 --> 00:13:41,718
I have organized several
dog and pony shows,
364
00:13:41,753 --> 00:13:43,120
and I'm offended
by what you're implying.
365
00:13:43,154 --> 00:13:45,189
How are you Avery's mother?
366
00:13:45,223 --> 00:13:47,424
We have a few things
in common, Jack.
367
00:13:47,458 --> 00:13:49,927
We both married much,
much older men,
368
00:13:49,961 --> 00:13:51,328
which can be hard,
369
00:13:51,362 --> 00:13:53,730
or, more often, flaccid.
370
00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:55,132
I have an idea. Maybe,
we just don't talk at all.
371
00:13:55,166 --> 00:13:58,101
Maybe we sit quietly
and read our,
372
00:13:58,136 --> 00:14:01,705
soccer magazine.
373
00:14:03,141 --> 00:14:06,176
Mr. Jordan's lizard, Jeremy,
374
00:14:06,211 --> 00:14:09,096
is always escaping
and biting everyone.
375
00:14:09,130 --> 00:14:10,614
Like owner, like lizard.
376
00:14:10,648 --> 00:14:12,115
Oh, man.
377
00:14:12,150 --> 00:14:15,485
That's why Mr. Jordan got him
a GPS collar.
378
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,421
Now it's easier to find...
379
00:14:17,455 --> 00:14:19,756
Well that can't be.
380
00:14:19,774 --> 00:14:21,424
It says he's inside the room.
381
00:14:21,442 --> 00:14:23,310
Maybe you're reading it wrong?
382
00:14:23,361 --> 00:14:26,730
Three feet, two feet,
383
00:14:26,764 --> 00:14:32,069
it says he's right on top of us.
384
00:14:33,288 --> 00:14:34,938
Oh, my God, my face.
385
00:14:36,457 --> 00:14:38,792
He's mating with my mouth.
386
00:14:38,826 --> 00:14:42,246
He likes you!
387
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:43,347
Here's a good one.
388
00:14:43,381 --> 00:14:45,315
Go to a strip club
on Father's Day,
389
00:14:45,350 --> 00:14:46,683
and shout things like,
390
00:14:46,718 --> 00:14:48,669
"I'm proud of you!"
391
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:49,670
Classic.
392
00:14:49,721 --> 00:14:51,121
Where's Pete?
393
00:14:51,139 --> 00:14:53,924
I just dyed my gums because I
want them to pop on camera.
394
00:14:53,958 --> 00:14:54,975
But now they're burning.
395
00:14:55,009 --> 00:14:56,293
Another way
to meet damaged women
396
00:14:56,327 --> 00:14:57,344
is to hang out with actresses.
397
00:14:57,395 --> 00:14:58,345
Actresses?
398
00:14:58,396 --> 00:14:59,896
Where? How young are they?
399
00:14:59,931 --> 00:15:01,481
I'll do nudity.
400
00:15:01,516 --> 00:15:02,933
Back in the day,
used to work as a stock boy
401
00:15:02,967 --> 00:15:04,735
in a chic uptown
department store,
402
00:15:04,769 --> 00:15:06,970
called "Ray-Ray's discount
clothes bucket."
403
00:15:07,005 --> 00:15:08,689
I would go to
the swimsuit section
404
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:10,324
and switch the tags.
405
00:15:10,358 --> 00:15:13,443
I'd take a size six and put
a size twelve sticker on it.
406
00:15:13,477 --> 00:15:15,912
And then some thick girl
would try to squeeze into it,
407
00:15:15,947 --> 00:15:17,381
and come out of
the dressing room like,
408
00:15:17,415 --> 00:15:20,417
"I've gotten bigger.
Why do I even bother dieting?"
409
00:15:20,451 --> 00:15:21,518
And I'm all like,
410
00:15:21,552 --> 00:15:23,653
"Hey, baby, what's wrong?"
411
00:15:23,671 --> 00:15:27,124
You know, a great place to meet
vulnerable women is weight watchers.
412
00:15:27,158 --> 00:15:29,209
I did "watchers"
to stay pageant-fit,
413
00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:31,428
but it was too much math
for a six-year-old.
414
00:15:31,462 --> 00:15:32,679
Thank God I found cigarettes.
415
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:35,499
"Weight watchers," got it.
416
00:15:35,533 --> 00:15:37,384
And if worse comes to worse,
417
00:15:37,435 --> 00:15:38,769
make the lady feel vulnerable.
418
00:15:38,803 --> 00:15:42,005
Check this out.
419
00:15:45,543 --> 00:15:47,344
Baby, did someone
throw cereal on you?
420
00:15:47,362 --> 00:15:48,845
Let's get you out
of these wet clothes.
421
00:15:48,863 --> 00:15:52,682
What is wrong
with you people?
422
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:54,284
Whatever.
423
00:15:54,319 --> 00:15:56,236
Jeremy says she's
a tease anyway.
424
00:15:56,287 --> 00:15:59,289
Now, let's hit
weight watchers.
425
00:15:59,324 --> 00:16:00,857
How is there
no signal in here?
426
00:16:00,875 --> 00:16:02,209
Silence, prisoner.
427
00:16:02,243 --> 00:16:04,061
I mean, can I help you,
valued customer?
428
00:16:04,095 --> 00:16:06,330
There you are.
429
00:16:06,364 --> 00:16:07,331
What are you doing?
430
00:16:07,365 --> 00:16:08,332
Buying stuff for tonight,
431
00:16:08,366 --> 00:16:09,366
to make it awesome.
432
00:16:09,384 --> 00:16:11,201
Look, salt and pepper shakers.
433
00:16:11,219 --> 00:16:13,637
You put them together,
it makes a heart.
434
00:16:13,671 --> 00:16:16,440
Take them apart,
two red sperms.
435
00:16:16,474 --> 00:16:17,541
We're not getting that.
436
00:16:17,575 --> 00:16:19,209
What's with
the "neggy" vibes, jeez.
437
00:16:19,227 --> 00:16:20,260
I can get things.
438
00:16:20,311 --> 00:16:21,378
Not if you're
not paying for them.
439
00:16:25,983 --> 00:16:28,785
Let's go get that table,
buddy.
440
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:34,741
Ikea.
441
00:16:43,278 --> 00:16:44,562
First things first.
442
00:16:44,580 --> 00:16:45,730
I am from Transylvania,
443
00:16:45,764 --> 00:16:47,231
but I am not a vampire.
444
00:16:47,266 --> 00:16:50,118
I'm just a night owl with
a terrible garlic allergy.
445
00:16:50,169 --> 00:16:52,937
So, this is regarding that boy
446
00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:54,705
who went missing in my castle?
447
00:16:54,740 --> 00:16:56,124
No, we're here about my wife.
448
00:16:56,175 --> 00:16:59,710
My daughter, Avery Jessup,
she's in North Korea.
449
00:16:59,745 --> 00:17:02,716
Yes, the Jessup case.
450
00:17:04,850 --> 00:17:08,319
Yes, I would like to speak
to Kim Jong-Un, immediately.
451
00:17:08,353 --> 00:17:09,921
That is unacceptable.
452
00:17:09,955 --> 00:17:12,857
I understand.
453
00:17:12,891 --> 00:17:15,443
The operator wouldn't let
me dial long-distance.
454
00:17:15,477 --> 00:17:16,444
So, thank you both for coming.
455
00:17:16,478 --> 00:17:17,595
No.
456
00:17:17,613 --> 00:17:21,265
That is exactly what
I expected would happen.
457
00:17:21,283 --> 00:17:22,600
Does that hurt?
458
00:17:22,634 --> 00:17:24,569
Well, I'm so sorry.
459
00:17:24,603 --> 00:17:28,372
Well that is just
the beginning, you...penis!
460
00:17:28,407 --> 00:17:30,842
This isn't some
idiotic civil war
461
00:17:30,876 --> 00:17:32,610
in some country without oil.
462
00:17:32,644 --> 00:17:36,180
This is my favorite daughter.
463
00:17:36,215 --> 00:17:39,634
And she is a beautiful
white American.
464
00:17:39,668 --> 00:17:41,586
So why the fudge isn't
465
00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:44,922
everyone fudging freaking
the fudge out!
466
00:17:44,957 --> 00:17:45,923
She's right.
467
00:17:45,958 --> 00:17:46,991
You are a penis!
468
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:49,227
I'm going to call security.
469
00:17:49,261 --> 00:17:52,864
One of the guys has a whistle.
470
00:17:52,898 --> 00:17:53,865
Vampire push.
471
00:17:53,899 --> 00:17:55,600
Did you just threaten her?
472
00:17:55,634 --> 00:17:58,102
I want you to apologize
to this woman, right now.
473
00:17:58,137 --> 00:17:59,470
I am a very powerful man.
474
00:17:59,505 --> 00:18:00,822
I can see to it
that Transylvania
475
00:18:00,856 --> 00:18:03,141
never sees another
episode of Friends.
476
00:18:03,175 --> 00:18:05,710
No! Monica and Chandler just
slept together in London.
477
00:18:05,744 --> 00:18:07,645
I'm... I'm sorry.
478
00:18:07,679 --> 00:18:09,514
Okay. Now admit
the U.N. is useless.
479
00:18:09,548 --> 00:18:11,949
It is. Half the building
is a laser tag arena.
480
00:18:11,984 --> 00:18:14,485
Admit it's annoying
when Bono comes around.
481
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:15,953
It's the worst.
482
00:18:15,988 --> 00:18:18,556
Every time he says he's not
hungry when we collect money
483
00:18:18,590 --> 00:18:20,625
for pizza, and then
he eats, like, three slices.
484
00:18:20,659 --> 00:18:22,560
You disgust me.
485
00:18:22,594 --> 00:18:24,662
Come on, let's go.
486
00:18:24,696 --> 00:18:26,197
And, Cjokula,
487
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,499
at Monica and Chandler's
wedding,
488
00:18:28,534 --> 00:18:30,134
Rachel's the one
who is pregnant.
489
00:18:33,555 --> 00:18:36,891
Finally, tables.
490
00:18:36,942 --> 00:18:39,527
Stop walking so close to me!
491
00:18:39,561 --> 00:18:40,912
I'm sorry.
492
00:18:40,946 --> 00:18:42,513
It's this place.
493
00:18:42,548 --> 00:18:44,482
But also, if you would
just let me get a few steps
494
00:18:44,516 --> 00:18:47,735
ahead of you first,
and then you walk?
495
00:18:47,786 --> 00:18:49,871
I found it.
496
00:18:49,905 --> 00:18:50,988
Nice.
497
00:18:51,023 --> 00:18:51,989
What?
498
00:18:52,024 --> 00:18:53,824
It's nice, it's just...
499
00:18:53,858 --> 00:18:58,379
I don't know if I'm feeling it,
you know?
500
00:18:58,413 --> 00:19:00,031
What about this idea?
501
00:19:00,065 --> 00:19:01,415
I know a guy who cuts glass...
502
00:19:01,466 --> 00:19:02,466
No. I took measurements,
503
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:04,368
I looked at colors,
we came here.
504
00:19:04,386 --> 00:19:05,403
This is the plan.
505
00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:07,371
Yeah, it's just
that this table,
506
00:19:07,389 --> 00:19:09,173
it feels kind of uptight.
507
00:19:09,207 --> 00:19:10,675
And I think something
a little more fun
508
00:19:10,709 --> 00:19:12,343
would be a better table,
for me.
509
00:19:12,377 --> 00:19:13,711
Well,
I don't know, Criss.
510
00:19:13,729 --> 00:19:15,680
Maybe a more fun table
wouldn't be as supportive.
511
00:19:16,815 --> 00:19:18,015
What? No, no,
we are not doing this.
512
00:19:18,050 --> 00:19:19,267
We are not letting this table
513
00:19:19,318 --> 00:19:20,818
be a metaphor
for our relationship.
514
00:19:20,852 --> 00:19:22,737
That's what Ikea wants us to do.
515
00:19:22,771 --> 00:19:24,855
I'm just not sure my chair
wants to be with this table.
516
00:19:24,889 --> 00:19:26,741
Why, because
deep down your chair
517
00:19:26,775 --> 00:19:28,092
would rather be
with other chairs?
518
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:29,393
I think the table
519
00:19:29,428 --> 00:19:30,828
needs to stop listening
to its mother.
520
00:19:30,862 --> 00:19:32,747
Well, it's just
the table thinks the chair
521
00:19:32,781 --> 00:19:37,234
takes too many camping trips
with Richard.
522
00:19:37,252 --> 00:19:39,287
Almost there, teammate.
523
00:19:39,338 --> 00:19:41,905
To the warehouse!
524
00:19:41,924 --> 00:19:47,244
Seriously?
"Zoo York."
525
00:19:47,262 --> 00:19:50,598
Okay, everybody,
sound check for Ms. Maroney.
526
00:19:50,632 --> 00:19:52,617
No, I don't want
a live band.
527
00:19:52,651 --> 00:19:53,784
Live bands make mistakes.
528
00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:56,887
Pete, I have
made love to Alfonso,
529
00:19:56,922 --> 00:19:58,589
he can't keep rhythm,
get him out of here.
530
00:19:58,607 --> 00:19:59,991
That's a wrap on Alfonso.
531
00:20:00,025 --> 00:20:05,930
Alfonso Disparioso, everybody.
532
00:20:05,964 --> 00:20:07,732
This is your moment.
533
00:20:07,766 --> 00:20:09,634
The world breathes for you.
534
00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:11,101
I love you, myself.
535
00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:13,321
And playback.
536
00:20:23,382 --> 00:20:24,949
Jenna, you're not singing.
537
00:20:24,983 --> 00:20:27,251
Yes, I am.
538
00:20:36,461 --> 00:20:39,129
I'm sorry I was such
an Italian in there,
539
00:20:39,147 --> 00:20:41,232
but that was unacceptable.
540
00:20:41,266 --> 00:20:42,683
No, you were wonderful.
541
00:20:42,734 --> 00:20:45,236
The way your eyes went dead,
just like Avery's.
542
00:20:45,270 --> 00:20:46,437
I didn't know you
had that in you.
543
00:20:46,471 --> 00:20:49,073
"Yosemite Sam" was based
on my grandfather,
544
00:20:49,107 --> 00:20:50,841
so yes, I do have a temper.
545
00:20:50,876 --> 00:20:53,044
There are a lot of things
you don't know about me, Jack.
546
00:20:53,078 --> 00:20:56,647
In 1978, I was in Playboy,
just wearing a necktie
547
00:20:56,665 --> 00:20:58,449
and holding hands
with a black girl.
548
00:20:58,483 --> 00:21:00,751
How could I have ever said
549
00:21:00,786 --> 00:21:02,953
that you're not
your daughter's mother.
550
00:21:02,988 --> 00:21:06,490
Those incredible cheekbones,
like an evil Disney queen.
551
00:21:06,525 --> 00:21:08,659
No, I misjudged you.
552
00:21:08,694 --> 00:21:10,695
The way you broke
that man down
553
00:21:10,729 --> 00:21:13,798
like a folding table
at a dog and pony show.
554
00:21:13,832 --> 00:21:17,034
And I am sorry I compared you
to my late husband.
555
00:21:17,069 --> 00:21:20,187
You are not some
liver-spotted old man
556
00:21:20,222 --> 00:21:22,239
constantly spilling hot tea
in his lap
557
00:21:22,274 --> 00:21:24,575
until his whole crotch
was useless.
558
00:21:24,609 --> 00:21:25,559
Useless!
559
00:21:25,610 --> 00:21:27,177
You are young.
560
00:21:27,195 --> 00:21:28,946
You are virile.
561
00:21:28,980 --> 00:21:31,082
Your hair, like a lion's mane.
562
00:21:31,116 --> 00:21:36,353
My eyes,
like two pools of ice water.
563
00:21:36,371 --> 00:21:38,022
Let's keep walking,
564
00:21:38,056 --> 00:21:39,023
in the cold.
565
00:21:39,057 --> 00:21:40,357
Yes.
566
00:21:40,375 --> 00:21:42,410
Do you like baseball?
Let's talk about baseball.
567
00:21:42,461 --> 00:21:44,412
I love baseball.
Abner Doubleday.
568
00:21:44,463 --> 00:21:46,630
- The bats are long and hard.
- The gloves are girls.
569
00:21:46,665 --> 00:21:48,749
- Balls!
- Jeter's thighs in those pants.
570
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,134
New topic.
571
00:21:57,065 --> 00:21:58,448
You know, it's funny.
572
00:21:58,466 --> 00:21:59,916
If those teeth were
in your vagina,
573
00:21:59,951 --> 00:22:02,352
you'd be considered a monster.
574
00:22:02,386 --> 00:22:04,471
Well, Jenna, there's nothing
physically wrong with you.
575
00:22:04,505 --> 00:22:06,139
That's impossible.
576
00:22:06,174 --> 00:22:07,140
Why can't I sing?
577
00:22:07,175 --> 00:22:08,992
Well, it must be
psychosomatic.
578
00:22:09,026 --> 00:22:11,794
Don't worry, that's just
a fancy doctor word
579
00:22:11,813 --> 00:22:13,129
for "your brain is broken."
580
00:22:13,147 --> 00:22:15,232
Unfortunately, there's
no field of medicine
581
00:22:15,266 --> 00:22:16,700
that deals with the brain.
582
00:22:16,734 --> 00:22:20,821
But, I can give you
a pamphlet for a cult.
583
00:22:20,855 --> 00:22:21,838
You don't understand.
584
00:22:21,873 --> 00:22:23,156
This is how
I make my living.
585
00:22:23,191 --> 00:22:24,658
Like me and my cell phone
bedazzling.
586
00:22:24,692 --> 00:22:26,276
I have to be able to sing.
587
00:22:26,310 --> 00:22:28,161
Maybe you're shutting down
because of all the pressure.
588
00:22:28,196 --> 00:22:29,863
There is a lot riding
on this performance.
589
00:22:29,914 --> 00:22:33,550
Pressure? That's ridiculous.
590
00:22:33,584 --> 00:22:36,486
Pressure is trying
to pass for four
591
00:22:36,504 --> 00:22:38,054
when you just turned seven,
592
00:22:38,089 --> 00:22:40,156
at the "Miss Toddler
Panama city" pageant.
593
00:22:40,174 --> 00:22:42,626
You're crammed into
the same five-inch heels
594
00:22:42,660 --> 00:22:45,512
you wore the year before,
blood pooling in your toes.
595
00:22:45,546 --> 00:22:46,796
But you know if you don't win,
596
00:22:46,830 --> 00:22:49,232
mom can't fix the hole
in the gator fence,
597
00:22:49,267 --> 00:22:50,467
so you'll be up all night,
598
00:22:50,501 --> 00:22:52,519
stabbing gators.
599
00:22:52,553 --> 00:22:54,721
Pressure is performing
on a party boat
600
00:22:54,772 --> 00:22:56,172
that catches on fire,
601
00:22:56,190 --> 00:22:57,974
your throat burning
from the smoke.
602
00:22:58,009 --> 00:23:02,445
You still sing so beautifully
that it calms the passengers,
603
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,698
so that you
and the crew can escape.
604
00:23:04,732 --> 00:23:06,015
Pressure...
605
00:23:06,033 --> 00:23:07,067
It's the "Rule of threes,"
Pete.
606
00:23:07,118 --> 00:23:09,052
Is singing the Yemeni national
anthem
607
00:23:09,086 --> 00:23:11,738
while a handsome but ruthless
general pushes a scimitar
608
00:23:11,789 --> 00:23:13,039
into your neck,
609
00:23:13,074 --> 00:23:14,858
Kristin Chenoweth's
corpse at your feet.
610
00:23:14,892 --> 00:23:16,960
That's pressure.
611
00:23:16,994 --> 00:23:18,712
This live show is nothing.
612
00:23:18,746 --> 00:23:21,131
Well, there's something
weird going on here.
613
00:23:21,165 --> 00:23:23,366
You feel that
sexual energy too?
614
00:23:23,384 --> 00:23:26,836
I mean, but... it would
be wrong to act on it.
615
00:23:29,757 --> 00:23:33,710
Well, it's 5:00 somewhere.
616
00:23:44,205 --> 00:23:47,641
No, this isn't happening.
They're sold out.
617
00:23:47,675 --> 00:23:49,226
This is why you don't
just choose one option.
618
00:23:49,260 --> 00:23:50,911
We were in a room full
of tables.
619
00:23:50,945 --> 00:23:53,413
No, this is why you
don't waste 45 minutes
620
00:23:53,448 --> 00:23:56,767
wandering around the
"Valentine's marketplace."
621
00:23:56,818 --> 00:23:58,568
Trying to find stuff
for tonight.
622
00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:00,720
For you.
Really cool stuff.
623
00:24:00,755 --> 00:24:02,756
You still have those salt
and pepper shakers, don't you?
624
00:24:02,790 --> 00:24:05,492
Well, I don't
want them anymore.
625
00:24:05,526 --> 00:24:07,027
'Cause I'm not
feeling romantic.
626
00:24:07,061 --> 00:24:10,464
God, you actually got
me excited about today.
627
00:24:10,498 --> 00:24:12,232
Valentine's is the worst!
628
00:24:12,250 --> 00:24:14,801
It's even worse
than earth day.
629
00:24:14,836 --> 00:24:17,070
You just see so many
dirty feet in sandals.
630
00:24:17,105 --> 00:24:18,071
I don't know, Liz.
631
00:24:18,106 --> 00:24:19,623
This could have been special.
632
00:24:19,674 --> 00:24:20,740
I had stuff planned.
633
00:24:20,775 --> 00:24:22,109
No, you didn't.
634
00:24:22,143 --> 00:24:24,244
You wrote half a song,
and thought you'd "wing it,"
635
00:24:24,262 --> 00:24:25,479
like you do with everything.
636
00:24:25,513 --> 00:24:26,646
I mean, if you'd had a plan
637
00:24:26,681 --> 00:24:27,914
we wouldn't even be
in this hellhole.
638
00:24:27,949 --> 00:24:31,502
Good, go wide with it.
Go.
639
00:24:32,136 --> 00:24:33,353
Really?
640
00:24:33,387 --> 00:24:35,789
Well, how's your super-planned
life going, Liz?
641
00:24:35,823 --> 00:24:36,890
You're 40-something...
642
00:24:36,924 --> 00:24:38,558
One! Come on, Criss.
643
00:24:38,592 --> 00:24:39,776
You have no kids.
644
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:40,777
The only thing you
like about your job
645
00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:42,429
is taking home free sodas.
646
00:24:42,463 --> 00:24:44,898
And you're attacking
the only good thing in your life
647
00:24:44,932 --> 00:24:46,116
because of a stupid table.
648
00:24:46,150 --> 00:24:47,567
This isn't about the table.
649
00:24:47,601 --> 00:24:50,403
This is about you never
following through on anything,
650
00:24:50,438 --> 00:24:51,671
ever.
651
00:24:51,706 --> 00:24:53,306
It's why you didn't
finish law school,
652
00:24:53,341 --> 00:24:56,910
it's why you still aren't done
filling out your 2010 census.
653
00:24:56,944 --> 00:24:58,478
Well what race am
I supposed to check?
654
00:24:58,513 --> 00:24:59,779
We all come from Africa.
655
00:24:59,814 --> 00:25:00,780
You know what?
656
00:25:00,815 --> 00:25:02,415
Ikea tested us, we failed.
657
00:25:02,450 --> 00:25:03,416
Okay, just go.
658
00:25:03,451 --> 00:25:05,085
That's a good idea.
659
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:07,554
We're done here.
660
00:25:07,588 --> 00:25:10,140
Yeah, we are definitely done.
661
00:25:10,174 --> 00:25:11,625
Thank you.
662
00:25:11,659 --> 00:25:14,094
That's why I get out of
the nidurgangur in the morning.
663
00:25:14,128 --> 00:25:17,147
It's one of our cheaper beds.
664
00:25:30,811 --> 00:25:32,696
There you are.
665
00:25:32,747 --> 00:25:35,215
I think your break is over,
Ms. Wassername.
666
00:25:35,249 --> 00:25:38,451
Did I make a mistake,
Kenneth?
667
00:25:38,486 --> 00:25:40,120
A big mistake.
668
00:25:40,154 --> 00:25:42,172
Tracy Jordan threw milk at you,
669
00:25:42,206 --> 00:25:45,692
and you didn't even thank him?
670
00:25:45,726 --> 00:25:47,027
How does that reflect
on the page program?
671
00:25:47,061 --> 00:25:49,596
And our mascot, "Pagey,"
a piece of paper.
672
00:25:49,630 --> 00:25:51,364
Everyone here is awful.
673
00:25:51,399 --> 00:25:54,267
I need to be inspired.
674
00:25:54,302 --> 00:25:56,770
I came here to start
a glamorous new life.
675
00:25:56,804 --> 00:25:59,839
'Cause today,
anyone can be famous.
676
00:25:59,874 --> 00:26:02,275
I mean, look at foxy knoxy.
677
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:05,545
What did she ever do
besides not kill anybody?
678
00:26:05,580 --> 00:26:07,547
So, why not me?
679
00:26:07,582 --> 00:26:08,949
I could have a fragrance,
680
00:26:08,983 --> 00:26:11,051
or a line
of children's handbags,
681
00:26:11,085 --> 00:26:14,321
or be in a reality show with
other kooky dumb sluts.
682
00:26:14,355 --> 00:26:16,540
You don't think
I have dreams?
683
00:26:16,574 --> 00:26:20,727
Last night, I dreamed
a baby ate my hair.
684
00:26:20,761 --> 00:26:24,664
But sometimes, you have
to start at the bottom.
685
00:26:24,699 --> 00:26:26,900
I'd like for you to make
a delivery for me.
686
00:26:26,934 --> 00:26:28,368
And, while you're out,
687
00:26:28,402 --> 00:26:30,770
think about
how your page underwear
688
00:26:30,805 --> 00:26:33,340
has been handed down,
page to page,
689
00:26:33,374 --> 00:26:35,609
for over 70 years.
690
00:26:46,621 --> 00:26:50,290
- So, do you like music?
- Yes.
691
00:26:50,324 --> 00:26:53,693
I have supported the Baltimore
Philharmonic for years.
692
00:26:53,727 --> 00:26:57,197
These days, it's just a boom box
and a guy in a crab costume.
693
00:26:57,231 --> 00:26:59,399
He gets shot out of
a Cannon at Ravens Games.
694
00:26:59,433 --> 00:27:01,284
The city may not be thriving.
695
00:27:01,335 --> 00:27:02,869
Well, it's not
just Baltimore.
696
00:27:02,903 --> 00:27:04,904
We live in a benighted age.
697
00:27:04,939 --> 00:27:06,923
The last time I heard
classical music on television
698
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:10,043
was Schubert's final sonata
in a commercial.
699
00:27:10,077 --> 00:27:12,879
Now why would anyone
use music written by a man
700
00:27:12,913 --> 00:27:14,714
dying of syphilis
to sell douches.
701
00:27:14,748 --> 00:27:17,934
Because people
are getting stupider.
702
00:27:17,969 --> 00:27:19,636
Think how much
Schubert accomplished
703
00:27:19,687 --> 00:27:21,587
in the 31 years he was alive.
704
00:27:21,606 --> 00:27:22,588
Coming through.
705
00:27:22,607 --> 00:27:25,192
And then there's,
706
00:27:25,726 --> 00:27:26,810
this guy.
707
00:27:26,861 --> 00:27:30,463
My taxes are paying
for your healthcare!
708
00:27:30,498 --> 00:27:32,115
Do a sit-up!
709
00:27:32,149 --> 00:27:37,103
I really
underestimated you, Jack.
710
00:27:40,107 --> 00:27:42,275
Maybe we shouldn't
talk at all.
711
00:27:52,548 --> 00:27:55,884
How do you think
our boys are doing in there?
712
00:27:56,418 --> 00:27:58,253
I guess it's been
a pretty rough week.
713
00:27:58,287 --> 00:28:01,356
Yesterday, I ate all the cheese
out of the mouse traps.
714
00:28:01,390 --> 00:28:06,828
Now, who'd like to continue
this magic over drinks?
715
00:28:08,397 --> 00:28:12,117
A Cosmo's five points?
716
00:28:12,151 --> 00:28:13,985
Okay.
717
00:28:14,036 --> 00:28:15,303
All right.
718
00:28:18,974 --> 00:28:20,875
Hey, baby, what's wrong?
719
00:28:20,910 --> 00:28:22,641
Nothing's wrong, you think
something's wrong with me?
720
00:28:22,642 --> 00:28:23,378
What's wrong with you?
721
00:28:23,412 --> 00:28:25,680
Um, didn't the white lady
just mess up your hair?
722
00:28:25,714 --> 00:28:28,383
I work for the post office,
I was delivering a package.
723
00:28:28,417 --> 00:28:29,584
But you think
my hair's messed up?
724
00:28:29,618 --> 00:28:30,835
No, I...
725
00:28:30,886 --> 00:28:32,003
You're gonna tell me
about black lady hair,
726
00:28:32,054 --> 00:28:33,521
you "Louie Anderson"
little bitch?
727
00:28:33,556 --> 00:28:35,340
Run! Run for your life!
728
00:28:45,568 --> 00:28:46,901
Hi.
729
00:28:46,936 --> 00:28:47,986
Are you shopping for someone?
730
00:28:49,138 --> 00:28:50,505
Do you know what size she is?
731
00:28:50,539 --> 00:28:52,474
No. I don't know. Maybe. No.
732
00:28:52,508 --> 00:28:54,909
I see.
733
00:28:54,944 --> 00:28:56,211
It's okay.
734
00:28:56,245 --> 00:29:00,315
I have an Uncle who uses
my discount here all the time.
735
00:29:02,835 --> 00:29:05,453
I'll take it.
736
00:29:10,659 --> 00:29:11,659
Okay, Jenna.
737
00:29:11,677 --> 00:29:14,179
I think I know what
your problem is.
738
00:29:14,213 --> 00:29:15,196
It's the "yips."
739
00:29:15,231 --> 00:29:16,364
When will congress
pass a law
740
00:29:16,398 --> 00:29:18,216
to get those bastards
out of our country?
741
00:29:18,267 --> 00:29:19,601
No, no. The "yips"
is something
742
00:29:19,635 --> 00:29:20,702
that happens to athletes.
743
00:29:20,736 --> 00:29:22,003
They get in their heads,
744
00:29:22,021 --> 00:29:23,504
and stop being able
to do stuff
745
00:29:23,522 --> 00:29:24,973
they've done a million times.
746
00:29:25,007 --> 00:29:27,509
Like, bet me during a poker
game at Tony Romo's house?
747
00:29:27,543 --> 00:29:30,228
I know you don't think it's
mental, but it is.
748
00:29:30,279 --> 00:29:31,646
And, I get it.
749
00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:33,848
- It's scary to admit...
- How would you know?
750
00:29:33,866 --> 00:29:35,033
Because it happened to me!
751
00:29:35,067 --> 00:29:38,069
I was the best they'd
ever seen, and I blew it!
752
00:29:42,458 --> 00:29:45,960
Peter Hornberger, a shoo-in
for this Olympic squad,
753
00:29:45,995 --> 00:29:47,529
about to arch.
754
00:29:47,563 --> 00:29:48,546
You're going to want
to watch this, folks,
755
00:29:48,581 --> 00:29:50,665
so put down your Rubik's cube,
756
00:29:50,699 --> 00:29:53,368
turn off that Yakov Smirnoff
standup tape,
757
00:29:53,402 --> 00:29:56,638
and set all your
swatches to right now.
758
00:29:56,672 --> 00:29:57,872
I've been shot!
759
00:29:57,890 --> 00:30:01,392
Someone run into town
and find a payphone!
760
00:30:01,427 --> 00:30:04,345
This happened to you?
We have something in common?
761
00:30:05,514 --> 00:30:07,849
Look, tonight is huge
for you, and for me.
762
00:30:07,883 --> 00:30:09,651
If this goes well,
it could get us both out
763
00:30:09,685 --> 00:30:10,735
of the late-night ghetto.
764
00:30:10,769 --> 00:30:12,186
Because you and me?
765
00:30:12,221 --> 00:30:13,220
We're prime-time, baby.
766
00:30:13,239 --> 00:30:14,939
Fine, it's mental.
767
00:30:14,990 --> 00:30:16,223
I have the "yips."
768
00:30:16,242 --> 00:30:17,725
What am I supposed to do?
769
00:30:17,743 --> 00:30:19,527
Okay, we don't have
a lot of time.
770
00:30:19,561 --> 00:30:22,063
So, maybe just by acknowledging
the problem,
771
00:30:22,097 --> 00:30:24,432
we fixed it?
772
00:30:24,466 --> 00:30:25,767
I think we did.
773
00:30:25,801 --> 00:30:27,619
I'm cured!
774
00:30:36,912 --> 00:30:37,979
It's worse.
775
00:30:38,013 --> 00:30:39,981
I can't open my mouth.
776
00:30:46,254 --> 00:30:49,457
Happy
Valentine's to the two lovers.
777
00:30:49,491 --> 00:30:51,960
Come into my restaurant
for the romance.
778
00:30:51,994 --> 00:30:54,329
No, no, no,
we're not together.
779
00:30:54,363 --> 00:30:55,863
What?
780
00:30:55,898 --> 00:30:57,448
But, this is a crime.
781
00:30:57,483 --> 00:31:00,401
Such a beautiful,
age-appropriate couple.
782
00:31:00,436 --> 00:31:01,653
You are perfect together.
783
00:31:01,704 --> 00:31:03,805
You are like pasta,
and a mouth.
784
00:31:03,839 --> 00:31:05,990
Do you not think that
she's beautiful?
785
00:31:06,041 --> 00:31:07,992
Yes, empirically
she is attractive.
786
00:31:08,043 --> 00:31:11,112
And is he not handsome,
with hair like black vermicelli?
787
00:31:11,130 --> 00:31:13,748
Yes, he is handsome,
but...
788
00:31:13,782 --> 00:31:16,918
The only "but" we speak
of tonight,
789
00:31:16,952 --> 00:31:19,470
is the butt of the human ass.
790
00:31:19,505 --> 00:31:22,156
Valentine's,
she is a celebration
791
00:31:22,191 --> 00:31:24,659
of love, and sex,
792
00:31:24,693 --> 00:31:27,462
and touch.
793
00:31:27,896 --> 00:31:29,564
Come inside,
794
00:31:29,598 --> 00:31:33,434
and have the most romantic
notte of your lives.
795
00:31:33,468 --> 00:31:35,469
We have a unisex bathroom,
796
00:31:35,487 --> 00:31:36,988
with, come si dice,
797
00:31:37,022 --> 00:31:40,141
no lock,
and extra mirrors.
798
00:31:43,946 --> 00:31:45,029
I have to go check on Liddy.
799
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:47,749
I have to go walk
around the park.
800
00:31:47,783 --> 00:31:51,452
Maybe forever.
801
00:31:56,425 --> 00:32:00,628
Darn it,
what am I doing wrong?
802
00:32:00,662 --> 00:32:01,829
This is it, Lutz.
803
00:32:01,847 --> 00:32:02,930
The Ikea parking lot.
804
00:32:02,965 --> 00:32:04,932
If you can't close
the deal here,
805
00:32:04,967 --> 00:32:06,067
you're on your own.
806
00:32:06,101 --> 00:32:06,741
Back in the day,
807
00:32:06,742 --> 00:32:09,303
you know how many women me and
Lamar Odom's dad picked up here?
808
00:32:09,338 --> 00:32:11,839
And keep in mind,
back then this was a marsh,
809
00:32:11,857 --> 00:32:14,675
where people came
to shoot at fish.
810
00:32:14,693 --> 00:32:17,245
There's your
low-hanging fruit.
811
00:32:17,279 --> 00:32:18,563
We can teach you no more.
812
00:32:18,614 --> 00:32:21,482
Fly, Lutz, fly.
813
00:32:27,456 --> 00:32:29,357
Hey, baby, what's wrong?
814
00:32:29,391 --> 00:32:30,925
Lutz?
815
00:32:30,959 --> 00:32:31,943
Mom-boss?
816
00:32:31,977 --> 00:32:33,094
What are you doing?
817
00:32:33,128 --> 00:32:35,663
Oh, my God,
Lutz just hit on Liz.
818
00:32:35,698 --> 00:32:37,131
About time.
819
00:32:37,166 --> 00:32:39,667
The last six years has been
like watching Moonlighting.
820
00:32:39,702 --> 00:32:41,486
Hang on, were
you hitting on me?
821
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:42,870
I'm sorry.
822
00:32:42,905 --> 00:32:44,939
I just wanted to have
a nice Valentine's Day,
823
00:32:44,973 --> 00:32:47,475
so Frank and Tracy tried
to help me out.
824
00:32:47,509 --> 00:32:48,609
But I keep screwing up.
825
00:32:48,644 --> 00:32:50,712
Every time I get
a good thing going,
826
00:32:50,746 --> 00:32:52,780
I do something stupid
and blow it.
827
00:32:52,814 --> 00:32:54,699
You want to know the reason
why Lutz is alone?
828
00:32:54,750 --> 00:32:55,950
Lutz!
829
00:32:55,984 --> 00:32:57,351
And Dollhouse penis syndrome.
830
00:32:57,386 --> 00:32:59,253
Oh, my God.
831
00:32:59,288 --> 00:33:00,621
I'm female Lutz.
832
00:33:00,655 --> 00:33:01,622
I love you too.
833
00:33:01,657 --> 00:33:03,191
No, I mean...
834
00:33:03,225 --> 00:33:04,542
I'm my own worst enemy.
835
00:33:04,593 --> 00:33:06,661
Do you want to know
the reason Liz is alone?
836
00:33:06,695 --> 00:33:08,046
Liz.
837
00:33:08,097 --> 00:33:10,381
Also I menstruate a lot.
838
00:33:10,432 --> 00:33:13,067
Oh, God, does this mean
I have to change?
839
00:33:13,102 --> 00:33:16,087
I have to go back
and be the bigger person?
840
00:33:18,373 --> 00:33:20,925
What if Criss already left
and I have to go find him?
841
00:33:20,976 --> 00:33:24,062
It's so cold.
842
00:33:24,096 --> 00:33:27,048
Oh, realizations
are the worst.
843
00:33:44,096 --> 00:33:46,531
Excuse me,
are you Jenna Maroney?
844
00:33:46,565 --> 00:33:49,300
My goodness,
are these for me?
845
00:33:49,335 --> 00:33:50,568
Yes.
846
00:33:50,586 --> 00:33:51,569
For your grave.
847
00:33:51,604 --> 00:33:54,905
I hope you die
out there tonight.
848
00:33:58,978 --> 00:34:01,429
Dude, that was a disaster.
849
00:34:01,463 --> 00:34:03,281
Worse than me trying
to send a fax.
850
00:34:03,315 --> 00:34:05,400
50 straight
Valentine's days alone.
851
00:34:05,434 --> 00:34:07,018
I mean, 48.
852
00:34:07,052 --> 00:34:08,186
Are you crazy?
853
00:34:08,220 --> 00:34:09,187
You're not alone.
854
00:34:09,221 --> 00:34:11,055
You spent Valentine's with us.
855
00:34:11,089 --> 00:34:14,475
Yeah, two people who care
enough about your sexual needs
856
00:34:14,526 --> 00:34:17,111
to blow off their wives
and girlfriends.
857
00:34:17,146 --> 00:34:19,597
No.
858
00:34:19,615 --> 00:34:20,798
Right now, Angie's
in a hotel room
859
00:34:20,833 --> 00:34:22,200
dressed as a clown.
860
00:34:22,234 --> 00:34:24,402
And I'm supposed to get
into an elephant costume
861
00:34:24,436 --> 00:34:26,738
and interview her for
a job at the circus.
862
00:34:26,772 --> 00:34:29,607
I spent Valentine's Day
with friends.
863
00:34:29,625 --> 00:34:30,642
Friends?
864
00:34:30,676 --> 00:34:32,610
We are work acquaintances
at best.
865
00:34:32,645 --> 00:34:34,445
At worst, we are rivals
866
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:38,216
who inspire and try
to make each other better.
867
00:34:38,250 --> 00:34:39,717
Now let's go get
some tiny meatballs.
868
00:34:39,752 --> 00:34:42,053
Meatballs, here we come!
869
00:34:42,087 --> 00:34:43,454
Meatballs!
870
00:34:43,472 --> 00:34:46,957
Pick up your phone, Criss.
871
00:34:46,976 --> 00:34:48,092
Jack, I can't talk.
872
00:34:48,127 --> 00:34:49,293
I am mentally writing
an apology,
873
00:34:49,311 --> 00:34:50,294
and it's giving me
a tension headache,
874
00:34:50,312 --> 00:34:51,962
and I am so cold!
875
00:34:51,981 --> 00:34:54,265
I want to have sex
with Avery's mother.
876
00:34:54,300 --> 00:34:55,733
No! You can't do that.
877
00:34:55,768 --> 00:34:56,801
I know.
878
00:34:56,835 --> 00:34:58,269
And maybe it's just
the loneliness,
879
00:34:58,304 --> 00:34:59,270
and the frustration,
880
00:34:59,305 --> 00:35:00,605
and stupid Valentine's Day.
881
00:35:00,639 --> 00:35:02,490
But she's amazing.
882
00:35:02,524 --> 00:35:04,208
And come on, didn't our friends
the ancient Olmecs
883
00:35:04,243 --> 00:35:06,978
bed both mother and daughter
to satisfy their Jaguar gods?
884
00:35:07,012 --> 00:35:10,498
- And everybody loves them.
- Jack, listen to me.
885
00:35:10,532 --> 00:35:12,650
That is wrong
on so many levels.
886
00:35:12,668 --> 00:35:14,369
You can never sleep with her,
887
00:35:14,420 --> 00:35:16,988
never, never, ever, ever...
888
00:35:17,022 --> 00:35:22,159
Never, ever, ever.
Never, ever, ever, ever!
889
00:35:22,177 --> 00:35:24,762
I get it, Lemon.
Thank you.
890
00:35:24,797 --> 00:35:26,064
Just hearing your labored
breathing while you
891
00:35:26,098 --> 00:35:29,200
walk up stairs has purged me
of all sexual desire.
892
00:35:29,234 --> 00:35:30,935
Yeah, well,
glad I could help.
893
00:35:30,969 --> 00:35:32,270
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to clean up
894
00:35:32,304 --> 00:35:33,538
the mess I made here with...
895
00:35:33,572 --> 00:35:34,689
Criss.
896
00:35:34,723 --> 00:35:35,973
You're still here.
897
00:35:36,008 --> 00:35:37,911
I tried to call you.
898
00:35:40,145 --> 00:35:42,697
20 missed calls?
How did...
899
00:35:42,731 --> 00:35:44,148
Right.
900
00:35:44,182 --> 00:35:46,350
My ringtone is
the sounds of cooking.
901
00:35:46,368 --> 00:35:47,919
Which is perfect,
because I love cooking.
902
00:35:47,953 --> 00:35:49,037
But when I'm cooking...
903
00:35:49,071 --> 00:35:50,154
Lemon, please hang up,
904
00:35:50,189 --> 00:35:51,656
I can't listen
to any more of this.
905
00:35:51,690 --> 00:35:55,560
Yeah.
Look...
906
00:35:55,594 --> 00:35:58,162
I was planning on saying
"it was my fault,"
907
00:35:58,196 --> 00:36:00,598
and, "please, let's
get back together."
908
00:36:00,632 --> 00:36:02,533
But, it doesn't
look like I need to.
909
00:36:02,568 --> 00:36:04,969
What do you mean,
"get back together"?
910
00:36:05,003 --> 00:36:06,371
You thought we broke up
because of that fight?
911
00:36:06,405 --> 00:36:08,139
No, that would be idiotic.
912
00:36:08,173 --> 00:36:09,741
You wanted a table,
I wasn't super-helpful.
913
00:36:09,775 --> 00:36:12,577
Who cares?
I tend to care, you know...
914
00:36:12,611 --> 00:36:14,545
I let little things
ruin stuff.
915
00:36:14,580 --> 00:36:16,814
I mean, I stopped shopping
at kmart because I found out
916
00:36:16,849 --> 00:36:20,718
that Kathy Ireland didn't design
any of her signature socks.
917
00:36:20,736 --> 00:36:22,253
But maybe, after 40 years...
918
00:36:22,287 --> 00:36:23,354
41.
919
00:36:23,389 --> 00:36:24,722
- I can change.
- Don't bother.
920
00:36:24,757 --> 00:36:26,858
You can get mad at dumb stuff.
That's your thing.
921
00:36:26,892 --> 00:36:28,626
I'll get over it.
That's my thing.
922
00:36:28,660 --> 00:36:30,194
It's kind of perfect.
923
00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:31,562
But how are we ever
going to break up?
924
00:36:31,597 --> 00:36:33,564
I don't know,
maybe we never will.
925
00:36:33,599 --> 00:36:36,367
Maybe we'll still be celebrating
Valentine's together
926
00:36:36,401 --> 00:36:37,869
100 years from now.
927
00:36:37,903 --> 00:36:40,471
Do you think
our ape overlords will let us?
928
00:36:40,506 --> 00:36:43,541
They'll let you and me
do whatever we want,
929
00:36:43,575 --> 00:36:45,777
because we'll be spying
on the rest of humanity
930
00:36:45,811 --> 00:36:48,613
for the ape police.
931
00:36:48,647 --> 00:36:50,414
Wait, where did
you get a table?
932
00:36:50,432 --> 00:36:51,682
I made it.
933
00:36:51,717 --> 00:36:55,052
I gathered fallen tree branches
from Riverside Park.
934
00:36:55,086 --> 00:36:56,320
That's where we first met.
935
00:36:56,355 --> 00:36:58,106
Yeah. And the top
is a Herman Cain poster
936
00:36:58,140 --> 00:36:59,724
I found in a dumpster.
937
00:37:01,627 --> 00:37:03,060
Excuse me?
938
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:04,829
I have a package for Liz Lemon.
939
00:37:04,863 --> 00:37:06,096
Sure, come in.
940
00:37:06,115 --> 00:37:09,066
You're the head writer
TGS?
941
00:37:09,100 --> 00:37:10,768
But you're so beautiful.
942
00:37:10,803 --> 00:37:12,136
Charlie what now?
943
00:37:12,171 --> 00:37:13,538
I love your brown hair.
944
00:37:13,572 --> 00:37:16,908
It's so bouncy, like the
"after" picture in a lice ad.
945
00:37:16,942 --> 00:37:17,909
Thank you.
946
00:37:17,943 --> 00:37:20,578
It's from intermittent washing.
947
00:37:20,612 --> 00:37:21,646
And you own this place?
948
00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:23,297
Yeah.
949
00:37:23,332 --> 00:37:25,616
Holy Moly, there's stairs?
950
00:37:25,651 --> 00:37:27,418
And a dining room table?
951
00:37:27,453 --> 00:37:30,087
Is this your boyfriend?
952
00:37:30,122 --> 00:37:32,006
Yeah. He made me dinner.
953
00:37:32,057 --> 00:37:34,492
Mashed potatoes
in a Martini glass.
954
00:37:34,526 --> 00:37:36,427
Who are you, the president?
955
00:37:36,462 --> 00:37:37,528
Of France?
956
00:37:37,563 --> 00:37:38,930
I know, right?
957
00:37:38,964 --> 00:37:41,299
You are an inspiration,
Liz Lemon.
958
00:37:41,333 --> 00:37:42,967
I am an inspiration.
959
00:37:43,001 --> 00:37:44,986
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
960
00:37:45,020 --> 00:37:46,304
Happy Valentine's Day.
961
00:37:46,338 --> 00:37:47,304
You too.
962
00:37:47,322 --> 00:37:49,974
I want your life.
963
00:37:50,008 --> 00:37:52,877
And I will have it.
964
00:37:52,911 --> 00:37:54,145
I like her.
965
00:37:54,179 --> 00:37:56,330
- 45 seconds.
- Jenna.
966
00:37:56,365 --> 00:37:57,715
This is a nightmare.
967
00:37:57,749 --> 00:38:00,218
My Nemeses, Abigail Breslin
and the woman
968
00:38:00,252 --> 00:38:01,419
from those progressive
insurance commercials,
969
00:38:01,453 --> 00:38:02,620
are in the audience.
970
00:38:02,654 --> 00:38:04,505
Just, relax... panic, don't.
971
00:38:04,540 --> 00:38:06,424
You failed me, Pete.
972
00:38:06,458 --> 00:38:07,825
And when I go down,
I'm taking you with me.
973
00:38:07,860 --> 00:38:08,826
You'll never work again.
974
00:38:08,861 --> 00:38:10,194
But I have five kids.
975
00:38:10,229 --> 00:38:11,629
And grandkids can't
be far behind,
976
00:38:11,663 --> 00:38:12,830
little Evelyn's so sexual.
977
00:38:12,848 --> 00:38:14,232
30 seconds.
978
00:38:23,892 --> 00:38:25,643
These shoes hurt, mommy.
979
00:38:25,677 --> 00:38:26,677
Good. Focus on the pain,
980
00:38:26,695 --> 00:38:28,312
not on the fact that
if you lose,
981
00:38:28,347 --> 00:38:30,515
I'm gonna pour acid
on your Barbies.
982
00:38:30,549 --> 00:38:32,817
Okay, come on.
983
00:38:37,456 --> 00:38:38,990
The shoes.
984
00:38:39,024 --> 00:38:41,459
The fire.
985
00:38:41,493 --> 00:38:42,460
The sword.
986
00:38:43,495 --> 00:38:44,462
It's the pain.
987
00:38:44,496 --> 00:38:46,664
She needs the pain
to distract her.
988
00:38:50,953 --> 00:38:52,069
I need to hurt her,
989
00:38:52,087 --> 00:38:53,337
but she's all the way
over there.
990
00:38:53,372 --> 00:38:54,605
How could I possib...
991
00:39:01,046 --> 00:39:03,881
Come on, Hornberger.
992
00:39:03,916 --> 00:39:05,633
Archer...
993
00:39:05,684 --> 00:39:08,185
Arch!
994
00:39:31,176 --> 00:39:34,345
Is she bleeding?
995
00:39:34,379 --> 00:39:36,547
It looks like an arrow wound.
996
00:39:42,087 --> 00:39:43,554
Jack.
997
00:39:43,589 --> 00:39:45,823
I didn't know you'd
be down here.
998
00:39:45,857 --> 00:39:48,092
Nice place.
999
00:39:48,126 --> 00:39:49,760
What did you pay for
all this wood?
1000
00:39:49,795 --> 00:39:51,128
I don't believe we've met.
1001
00:39:51,163 --> 00:39:54,348
Jack, this is...
1002
00:39:54,399 --> 00:39:57,401
Someone I saw fighting with
a dog outside a liquor store.
1003
00:39:57,436 --> 00:39:58,669
I'm Herb.
1004
00:39:58,704 --> 00:40:01,606
'Cause you are what you smoke,
right "Jackie"?
1005
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:02,657
Hey, where's the head?
1006
00:40:02,691 --> 00:40:04,075
We're in mixed company,
1007
00:40:04,109 --> 00:40:05,910
but let's just say I've got
to go wreck your toilet.
1008
00:40:05,944 --> 00:40:07,945
It's down that hallway
on the right-hand side.
1009
00:40:12,084 --> 00:40:13,150
Diana, don't do this.
1010
00:40:13,185 --> 00:40:14,919
I'm lonely, Jack.
1011
00:40:14,953 --> 00:40:16,454
So am I.
1012
00:40:16,488 --> 00:40:18,255
Believe me,
I know how you feel.
1013
00:40:18,290 --> 00:40:20,675
Being alone
on Valentine's Day,
1014
00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:22,627
frustrated
in all kinds of ways.
1015
00:40:22,661 --> 00:40:24,662
Just wanting a connection,
1016
00:40:24,696 --> 00:40:26,664
to hold someone's hand.
1017
00:40:26,698 --> 00:40:30,468
Ideally when she's wearing
only a necktie.
1018
00:40:30,502 --> 00:40:32,036
But you deserve better
than Herb.
1019
00:40:32,070 --> 00:40:35,640
Why is this bathroom full
of wine bottles?
1020
00:40:35,674 --> 00:40:39,610
But what I deserve,
I shouldn't have.
1021
00:40:39,645 --> 00:40:40,711
Me neither.
1022
00:40:40,746 --> 00:40:45,983
So, what are we going
to do about it?
1023
00:40:46,018 --> 00:40:47,818
- Oh, baby.
- Oh, yes.
1024
00:40:47,853 --> 00:40:48,852
- Yes!
- That's good.
1025
00:40:48,870 --> 00:40:50,655
- Yes.
- Oh, yeah, don't stop.
1026
00:40:50,689 --> 00:40:52,323
- Just like that.
- Oh, yeah, but a little lower.
1027
00:40:52,357 --> 00:40:53,557
- Yes!
- Yeah, baby!
1028
00:40:53,592 --> 00:40:57,128
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh!
1029
00:40:57,162 --> 00:40:59,563
- Nope, nope.
- Let me have one.
1030
00:40:59,598 --> 00:41:02,500
Give it to him, Frank.
Give it to him, we're friends.
1031
00:41:02,534 --> 00:41:06,387
You can have one of mine.
1032
00:41:45,761 --> 00:41:48,212
Finally, I can say,
1033
00:41:48,246 --> 00:41:49,380
happy Valen...
1034
00:41:49,414 --> 00:41:50,881
My legs!
1035
00:41:52,384 --> 00:41:53,918
This get me out of sex.
1036
00:42:06,390 --> 00:42:08,192
My God, Liz.
1037
00:42:08,285 --> 00:42:10,854
We're wearing
the exact same lipstick.
1038
00:42:11,188 --> 00:42:13,890
Looks better on you,
of course.
1039
00:42:13,924 --> 00:42:16,492
I wish I could just cut those
lips right off and wear them.
1040
00:42:20,431 --> 00:42:23,866
Happy Valentine's Day, lovers.
1041
00:42:23,901 --> 00:42:27,337
Happy Valentine's Day
to us all.
1042
00:42:29,427 --> 00:42:33,927
Sync, corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
74258
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