Original subtitles

[Paper rustling]

- Hello?. Jack: Lemon, good morning.

Uh... What's that sound?. Are you frying bacon?.

No. It's my new running shoes.

Jack: [Laughs] Oh, come on.

Uh, Lemon, I'm going over the guest list...

...for my 50th birthday party and you have not R.S.V.P.'d.

Oh, right. Sorry. My mail's been piling up,

and I keep forgetting to buy toilet paper.

So...

What is that supposed to mean?.

Nothing. I'm coming.

Good. And don't wear that thing with the belt.

What thing with the belt?. Don't hang up!

I have a lot of belted outfits!

Ugh. What is this idiot doing?.

Tracy: I will be brief.

I have decided to fulfill my dream of going into space.

If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut

with an irregular heartbeat and $30 million,

I am prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow.

[Sighs]

I wrote that yesterday. I will not be taking questions.

Liz: Ugh...

[Knocking]

Hello, dummy.

No. Nope. Not interested. Have a good life.

It's important. It's about my mom.

[Sighs]

That was a lie.

But listen, Elizabeth. I recently discovered that I am a sex addict.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.

And I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't so consumed

with my latest business venture.

I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis.

One word. Coffee.

One problem. Where do you get it?.

Anywhere. You get it anywhere.

Wrong. You get it at my coffee vending machine.

38th and 6th in the basement of the K-Mart.

You just go downstairs, you get the key from David,

and boom. You plug in the machine, and --

You're done.

Look. The point is, I'm Dennis, and I'm a sex addict.

And one of the steps towards my recovery is atonement.

Please stop talking.

Former Sex Partner.

I am sorry that my disease has made you a victim of my sexual charisma.

I am sorry that I have ruined you for other men.

Apology accepted. Now, get out of my apartment.

You know...

my sponsor said that you were going to try to pick a fight to lure me into hate sex.

It's not going to work, Elizabeth.

My support group?. It's lousy with nymphos.

Ugh.

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Have you seen this Tracy thing?.

I am aware of it. I have a Google News Alert

for the phrase "Tracy Jordan ridiculous disaster".

Have you spoken to him?.

We're on the phone with his assistant setting up a time for us to talk.

Well, when do you expect him?.

I think he has stuff all morning.

You think or you know?.

Hang on. I'm going into a tunnel.

Liz: What is this?

My mother sent me a box of old Donaghy home movies.

For your birthday?. That's sweet.

Oh, not really.

This is the card that came with it.

"Jackie, here is some of your junk.

It was taking up the space my new boyfriend needed for his golf bags."

"His name is Paul and he doesn't want to meet you."

At any rate I had Jonathan convert the movies to DVD,

to preserve these memories forever.

Oh, my God. Is that you?.

[Laughs]

I like your little sweater vest. [Laughs]

- Oh! Hiyo! - Yeah.

You threw up.

What?. As a kid, you never got so excited, you vomited?.

No. No one does that. I mean, I've peed a little.

Help me!

His tie is caught in the shredder!

I'm "lizzing"! I'm "lizzing"! [Laughs]

"Lizzing" is a combination of "laughing" and "whizzing."

Ah, well, if you want a good "liz" ... read this.

- What is it?. - A list I made in the fifth grade

of the things I wanted to have done by the time I turned 50.

Oh, my God. This is adorable.

"Go to Disneyland. Ride in an airplane.

Kiss Peggy Fleming."

Done, done and... [laughs]... oh, boy. Done.

"Live in a house with stairs. Beat up a Russian.

Hit Mom with a car."

I wonder what that 10-year-old would think if he could see himself now?.

"Fly on a plane"? I've flown on Air Force One.

"Go to Disneyland"?. Lemon, I've held Walt Disney's

frozen head in my hands.

That's awesome.

I've danced with Queen Noor.

I've hunted the world's most dangerous game.

Man.

[Clears throat] Excuse me. Manatee.

I once, uh... shot a manatee.

[Sighs]

Well, If that kid could see himself today...

he would throw up.

Thank you, Lemon.

There's only one left. "Be friends with Batman."

There's still a couple of hours.

Jonathan?. Could you get Adam West's agent on the phone, please?.

[Phone rings]

Griswald Talent Management. Representing excellence.

It's funny. I actually played Peter Pan on Broadway.

Did you know there's a Broadway Street in Tampa?.

Now, this is important. This needs to be threaded all the way up in order to lock.

Otherwise, you could fall.

In bed.

Pay attention.

Also, you can't have anything in your pockets.

Oh, my phone.

Will you hold that?. Thanks.

Ready.

[Gasps] I'm flying!

Oh, my God. Why are there so many dead doves up here?.

[Ringtone plays]

Jenna's phone.

Hey, Jenna.

It's Dennis Duffy.

Yes. Hello, this is Jenna.

I bet you never thought you'd be hearing from me again now, huh?.

Yes. Really. Whysoever would you be phoning me?.

With the help of Web M.D., I was recently self-diagnosed as a sex addict.

So, Former Sex Partner, I'm sorry that my disease made you

a victim of my sexual charisma. I am sorry that I have ruined you

for other men.

Look... I would have come down there and done this in person...

but it's complicated because of the whole Liz thing, you know?.

Naturally. Liz. Always.

If she found out about this, she couldn't handle it

...and it would ruin your friendship.

You know, I was the love of Liz's life.

I'm not sure you were, but apology accepted.

Oh, no. I totally was. Peace.

[Sighs]

Liz: Forget it, Tracy.

Tracy, listen.

You cannot go into space.

Your contract expressly prohibits dangerous activities

Iike extreme sports or riding the subway on St. Patrick's Day.

What is this, Horseville?.

Because I am surrounded by "neigh"-sayers.

Wordplay.

That is solid.

Look. When I was a kid, growing up in the projects,

I would look up at the stars and dream of going into space.

Of escaping the slums.

Of killing an Ewok.

Now, the man that that kid has become

can make those dreams come true.

Do you know what that's like?.

I do, Tracy.

Then, you know why I have to do this.

As Robert Browning once wrote,

"Oh, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp...

Or what is a heaven for??"

I was prepared for the possibility of this meeting.

Tracy. I'll call up my friends at NASA...

and I'll set up a flight for you.

Tracy: Thank you, Jackie D!

Jack, what the hell?.

I'm not taking his childhood dream away from him.

Not on my birthday.

So you're just going to let him do this?.

Of course not. I don't have friends at NASA.

Bunch of nerds.

You're going to have to use your TV magic and fake a space launch for Tracy.

Ugh. I was going to go for a run today!

Oh. [Laughs]

You missed a call.

Was it my doctor/trainer?.

No. It was Dennis. Dennis Duffy.

Calling me?. Why?.

Well, Jenna, Dennis has been going around

calling all the women he's ever had sex with.

- Did you speak to him?. - Yes.

- Did you pretend to be me?. - I did.

- Did you do an impression of me?. - Of course.

- Was it British?. - It was.

Oh, my God.

Liz, first of all,

the reason I have some English inflection in my speech

is because I lost my virginity to the My Fair Lady soundtrack.

- Jenna. - Second,

you guys had broken up and Dennis and I were in a very emotional place

because of Hurricane Katrina.

Jenna, stop.

Yes, what you did was disgusting.

But how long have we known each other?.

1 5 years.

We met at that car dealership audition in Chicago.

You were trying to be an actress then, despite your neck.

Right. Yes. Well...

we have both seen this happen too many times.

A strong female friendship torn apart by some guy.

But that's not what's going to happen this time.

Dennis Duffy said he didn't want this to hurt our friendship.

As if someone like him ever could.

Thank you, Liz.

[Laughs]

I mean, the idea that that guy is walking around thinking he means...

anything to me, to either of us.

- It's ridiculous. - It's unacceptable.

We shouldn't let him get away with it.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?. - Yeah.

Let's go give Let's him a piece of our mind. stab him.

Yeah, your thing.

More gifts, Mr. Donaghy.

Oh, you got a new tuxedo for your party.

You know, I wore nothing

but hand-me-downs until I was 1 2 years old.

But I thought you were the oldest, sir.

Oldest boy.

Now look at me.

I already did.

[Sighs]

Wow. That's a lot of loot.

My last birthday, I cleaned up.

Look at this keychain I got.

Every time you move his head, his head moves!

Look!

Kenneth, I wonder what it's like

seeing the world through your eyes.

I don't know, Mr. Donaghy.

I think I see the world pretty much the same as everyone else.

Really?. [Music swells]

??? Because I think you're very special, Kenneth... ???

Pardon me.

??? To be able to get so much joy ???

??? from simple things... ???

Simple things.

??? Simple... ???

things.

But most of us grow up and...

Iose our sense of wonder.

Oh. That's sad.

Not really... No.

I've surpassed my wildest dreams. I'm...

I'm happier than I've ever been.

Of course you are.

You've got all of these fancy presents from business associates

and this big empty house to store them in.

Happy birthday, Mr. Donaghy.

[Coin rattles]

Hello, dummy.

[Door closes] Hey.

What's up?.

I know about you and Jenna, Dennis.

Oh. I... I get why you're here.

You want me to rank you.

Apples and oranges, ladies.

No. Stop. Shut up.

I'm here because I want you to know

that I am not mad at Jenna about this.

Well, you can't be mad at me either, Liz.

You know?. I mean, I went to your apartment that night, looking for you.

To be with you.

Wait a minute. Hang on. My apartment?.

Okay, I can explain that.

You had gone on that over-30 Outward Bound trip to Arizona,

and you had asked me to house sit. Well, Dennis came over.

And, as I mentioned, we were both pretty torn up about Hurricane Katrina.

What those people were doing to the Superdome?.

Fine. Uh, you know what?. It happened. What do you want from me?.

This is what I want from you.

I want you to understand exactly how unimportant you are.

You are not the love of my life. You are not capable of hurting me.

And you could never do anything to damage this friendship.

It was in your bed.

Aw, guys, come on! I eat in there!

No. I'm going to take the high road.

So good luck with your fake addiction

and your inconveniently located vending machines.

No. Not okay, Liz.

Not okay.

Alright, fine. You know what?.

I'm ranking you now. Hey, blondie.

You're number one.

I don't care! Thank you, Dennis.

You got it.

[Glass chimes and feedback]

Ladies and gentlemen, I can't stay long. I'm on a case.

The Penguin's in town.

But I would like to introduce

my good friend...

the man of the hour...

Jake "Dellahee"!

Jake?

[Sighs] This is wrong.

It's all wrong. Uh...

Everyone, go home now.

Uh, the party's over.

I was told I'd get a meal.

Right. Why don't you just, uh...

Jack, am I the first one here?. Ugh.

I waited! This always happens.

Lemon, what's inside that box?.

I don't know. A toy?.

Jack: Tonight was supposed to be special.

And all I could think about was that kid. So happy, he threw up.

The closest I came to vomiting tonight

was when I saw Ann Coulter's shoulder blades.

What happens to us?.

We grow up.

I have a good life. But I'll never be that happy again.

I want that back.

Well, there's nothing you can do about that.

I disagree.

I'm going to find out what was inside that box,

I'm going to buy it with money,

and it is going to make me happy.

And if that doesn't work...

I'm going to Benjamin Button myself.

We're not meeting in the middle!

Oh, hey.

I just wanted to get you to approve the other astronauts we hired.

Liz Looks good. Where's Tracy?.

In Cape Canaveral. By which, I mean through that door.

We told him he had to be blindfolded before launch

to prevent "Space Madness."

Sure.

And then, we put him on the Channel Four traffic copter for a couple of hours.

And now, he's landed here in sunny Florida.

Well done, Hornberger.

Yeah. As a child, I dreamed of being a Congressman like my father.

Now, I do this.

One D.U.I. in high school.

Tracy: At least it's a dry heat here in Florida.

Computer: Good work, Astronaut Jordan.

Now do 20 space sit-ups.

Computer, when do I get some Tang?.

Also... I'm thirsty.

[Laughs] Wordplay.

[Tracy laughs]

PA: Cast, set yourselves for rehearsal, please.

Good morning, Jenna.

Hey, you. God, telling Dennis off together was so empowering.

I felt so jacked up on the way home

that I threw a brick through the window of a Banana Republic.

Yeah. It was something.

I can't believe Dennis tried to do that to us.

But he got his, right?. Sisterhood.

Sure. Sisterhood.

Oh!

What?.

Nothing.

[Yells]

[Gasps]

[Overlapping conversation]

Be careful.

Because that thing is open.

Liz: I'll go get the emergency Floor Marshall.

Floor Marshall!

Tech: Hey. You called tech support?.

Uh, I need to see what's inside that box.

If I learned anything from watching 24,

you're going to want to zoom in and enhance.

Why don't you ask Jimmy what's in there?.

It says "From Jimmy" on it.

Jimmy Flaherty.

Jimmy?. What did you give me for my 10th birthday?.

[Sighs]

I thought this was a job interview. I flew down from Boston.

I have to know, Jimmy.

I need to know what you got me that made me...

that happy.

I don't remember, Jack.

Doesn't this thing have any sound on it?.

You're clearly saying something.

Jonathan.

Get me a deaf person.

I was told this was a job interview.

Tell me, Wendy. What am I saying?.

You're saying...

"Apollo...

Apollo...

Apollo..."

Oh, my God! You puked!

Why wouldn't you warn me?.

I was staring at your mouth!

Apollo. [Gasps]

I know what it is!

Jenna: Liz Lemon.

Hey, "sistuh"!

How's the leg?.

Oh, you are a piece of work.

These crutches are real, everyone. Liz tried to kill me.

What are you talking about?.

Oh, please. You saw the harness, and you didn't do anything.

[Door opens] Dot Com: "T" minus 10 minutes.

Quiet. Tracy is coming.

Are go for launch. Star Wars.

[Imitates Ewok]

[Door closes]

All that stuff about our friendship was a lie.

You would have let me die, Liz.

Over Dennis Duffy!

So, okay. I did a bad thing.

But you slept with Dennis.

And now, we're even?.

Even?. I can't even look at you.

You know what?.

You're no longer my plus one to the Canadian Grammys.

Recording: Ignition sequence starts. Two...

one...

zero...

Lift-off. We have a lift-off.

I'm scared!

But I'm also excited! [Laughs]

Whoo!

I'm "lizzing"! [Laughs]

"Lizzing"! I'm "lizzing"!

Yeah! [Laughs]

Oh. What is that, sir?.

This is an Apollo

Command and Lunar Module

that I just paid $7000 for at a vintage toy store

where a morbidly obese gentleman called me "pal."

Oh. [ Laughs]

Tracy to Earth! Come in, Earth!

Mr. Jordan.

How is space?

Great wink, Kenneth!

Space is very cold, but very beautiful.

And sometimes, it sounds like Jenna yelling in the distance.

I think I...

Oh, my God!

Where did you get that rocket?

Mr. Donaghy is letting me hold it!

It's awesome!

You know, I actually envy you two.

Sometimes, I wish I could see the world through your eyes instead of mine.

Hey, Jackie D.

If everyone could see the world the way I see it...

it would be a better place to live.

Jack: I bet that's true, Tracy.

But that part of me is gone forever.

I guess I just see the world the way I see it.

Is he letting me keep this?.

I think so. I wish I was there so I could play with it.

Liz: [Sighs]

Hi, Miss Lemon!

[Sighs]

[Knocking]

What do you want?.

I want to make it up to you, Jenna. What can I do?.

How about on the next show, you could do that song

that they wouldn't let you sing at the Inauguration?.

No.

"Chocolate Rainbow" is too good for T.G.S.

Okay, fine. You can tell them.

You can tell the writers.

Tell them what?.

About my commercial.

The one I was in back in Chicago.

You can tell them.

Everyone! Listen to me!

No, it's a real thing this time.

When we were both living back in Chicago and Liz was still trying to be an actress,

the only job she ever booked was for a local phone sex line.

What?.

It was a chat line for urban singles.

And they only hired her because their first choice was deported.

Okay. We're even.

So... You will not find it.

I found it. It's on YouTube.

What?. No.

I have a cable to hook the computer up to the TV!

Then, shut your wet mouth and get that cable! Get it!

Come on, guys. Let's all be cool.

Liz: That's not going to...

Woman: Don't wait.

Call now.

Liz: How did you do that so fast?

Hi. I'm Bijou.

Writers: Bijou!

Call me.

Oh, my God!

Writers: Ugh!

I have since had "Invisalign".

Frank: That is not attractive.

[Laughs]

Call us. In English, German or Polish.

That's not even enough numbers!

Woman: 21 hours a day.

What is this?.

Jenna: It's a commercial that Liz did back in Chicago.

That's Liz!

No.

Call us. We love to party.

[Laughs]

I remember that girl. She cried all day.

This is not happening!

[Laugh, groan]

Ken: What's so funny?. Oh, is that Billie Jean King?.

[Laughs]

God, Lemon.

I haven't laughed this much since... since...

since...

Everybody, back up!

Get out of the way! He's going to Jack!

Ken: Goodness gracious!

[Vomits] [Groan]

He's mortal!

What just happened?.

[Laughs]

Liz: Hey, are you feeling okay?.

I feel great, I feel like a kid.

Lemon?.

I honestly don't know what I would do without you.

I'll see you tomorrow, Jack.

See you tomorrow.

Bijou.

Arg!

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