All language subtitles for 30 Rock s03e14.eng

Miss Lemon. Let me help you out.

Oh. Thanks, Kenneth.

Oh, what are all these
little plastic containers for?

Are you pickling squirrel meat?
Because I can lend you my skull presser.

No, Kenneth.

I went to the new flagship
Compartment Store on Fifth Avenue

and got everything I need
to get my life in order.

There's a stacker thing to separate your
junk mail from your humidifier catalogs.

A thing you stick on your laptop
that holds your keys.

A round, plastic deal that holds your shoes

with a pocket for a photograph
of what shoes are in there.

I'm going to become wonderful.

It's a new beginning.

Like a phoenix rise...

Watch out!

Or... maybe this is going to be
the worst day ever.

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Okay! Morning meeting!

Everybody shut up! Shut up, Lutz.

Already today, I have lost faith in
"decorganizing"

chipped a tooth... uh-huh...

and lost a shoving match to what I thought
was a female bike messenger.

So I am asking all of you for the next
12 to 14 hours to just be cool.

Let's have a normal day.

Yeah, guys, seriously. Be cool.

Why are you not wearing pants?

They still have the heat set
for winter and my office is boiling.

Put on your pants, Frank.

Oh...

Cerie, please make me a dentist
appointment for today.

You can't go today, you...

You have jury duty.

What? No! I'm registered in Illinois.

How did New York find me?

I changed your voter registration for you.

What's wrong?
You told me to be more proactive.

No. I told you to buy more "Proactiv'.

Liz? Mr. Donaghy wants
to see you

immediately about what Jenna and Tracy
did during the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Was it something good?

Lemon, have a seat.

It was very simple. I asked you two
to host NBC's live coverage

of the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Read from the cue cards, promote the show.

So would you please explain to Mr. O'Cannon
here, why it went so very wrong?

Sir, as I'm sure you know
from reading my blog,

I am currently shooting
a feature film inspired by,

but, for legal reasons, not based...

...on Janis Joplin

# Synonym's just another word
for the word you want to use...?

We can't sing the original songs,
but it's going to be phenomenal.

But you know, between
filming the movie at night

and working here during the day,

I am so exhausted.

Sir, so, when I got to the parade --

That's no excuse, ye banshee!

You and this gravy-face have
slarneyed up a real donnybrook!

Here come the County Cork Steppers.

Their traditional dance celebrates the spirit
and the ingenuity of the Irish people.

Wake up, mother --

You're a disgrace.

Passing out...

and cursing...

on St. Patrick's Day?

Is nothing sacred?

I feel I should be rewarded for going this long

without swearing on live TV.

The F.C.C. disagrees. They've decided
to make an example of you...

...and fine you personally $50,000.

50 grand? Can anyone cut this in half?

Look at you. I told you.

You're spreading yourself too thin.

I only heard the "thin" part, Liz.

Lemon is right, Jenna.

Obviously, you can't do both
T.G.S. and Janie Jimplin.

I choose the movie.
My face is bigger on movies.

No, I don't mean quit. I mean,
Liz will find a way to make both work.

Am I right, Lemon?

Well, I'll have to use you less in the show.

And I'll scale back the movie.

We could cut the lesbian scene.

But the Oscars love that kind of thing.

There's two guys at my gym named Oscar.

Jenna, you have got to start
taking care of yourself.

You're a wreck.

I am fine, Liz.

Jenna. That's a glue stick.

Hm?

You're going to the doctor.

Okay, great meeting.

Lemon? Let's try to have
a calm week downstairs, shall we?

Oh, yeah. I'm trying.

I don't need any distractions.

On Friday, Microwaves is
announcing a very big project.

Or should I say... very little?

The pocket microwave?

You can buy it on Friday
along with everyone else.

It has a ham button. You used my idea!

Jenna, I understand what it's like
having too much on your plate.

Between my medical practice and
this job, I'm pulled in every direction.

What can I do, Doctor?

I haven't been this tired since I was forced
to do that dance marathon in Dubai.

Well, I can give you these
pamphlets on stress

and diet and doing a movie and
a TV show at the same time.

But they're all going to tell you
that you need to give something up.

And... they're wrong.

You can burn the candle at both ends.

Go on.

Well, my lab work is in the field
of sleep research.

Mostly because I checked
the wrong box on a form once.

We are currently working on a pill

that keeps people awake
under any circumstances.

It's being funded by the U.S. military
and the W.N.B.A.

Well, does it work?

It's kept my lab rats awake for days.

But we're looking for human subjects.

Where do I sign up?

Oh, please. We don't want a paper trail.

Take 25 of these a day
for the rest of your life.

Okay. I am going to jury duty,
but I'll be right back.

I've got my Princess Leia outfit

and some Playgirl magazines
from the early 1 980s.

They will dismiss me immediately as a weirdo.

Who's in charge while you're gone?

Oh, let's see. Well, Pete is spending
spring break with his kids.

So, no one.

No one here is in charge in any way.

If no one's in charge, who will yell at me
for goofing up the lunch order?

We all will, Kenneth. We all will.

You guys are my best friends.

There you are, Liz Lemon.

Do you want to buy half a watch?

I have to pay my fine in cash.

I guess "F.C.C." stands for
"Federal Bunch of Sticklers".

Well, I hope you've learned a lesson from this.

I sure have.

I learned that if you pay
some money afterwards,

you can say whatever you want on TV.

I can even say what Ernest Borgnine
whispered to me at --

No. Stop. That's not the lesson.

That's always the lesson!

If you have money,
you can do whatever you want.

Now I'm off to appear
on Martha Stewart Live.

Ooh, it's going to be raunchy!

Tracy?

Great news, Liz!

I'm in a clinical trial for a
military-grade anti-sleeping pill.

Oh, of course you are.

So now I can still be on the
show as much as you want

and do the movie!

Look how much energy I have!

"Whoo"!
- Come on, guys.

I just have to go and get out of jury duty,

and we can talk about all of this

when I get back. Okay?
- Okay!

Frank!

Oh. Hey. I thought you left.

Listen to me.

I am not asking you this
as the boss you love to undermine,

but as the friend whose
birthday you love to forget.

Oops!

Just be normal sauce for, like, two hours.

Please.

I will be right back.

Bye!

And I don't really think it's fair
for me to be on a jury

because I'm a hologram.

You seem fine to me.
Report to Jury Room "B".

Charles "Whatnow"?

The subject is unusually thirsty.

Everyone shut up. Shut up, Lutz.

Where's Lemon?

She went to get out of jury duty.

Can we get lunch from McDonald's today?

No.

I need your creative input.

I have spent the better part
of the last three years

developing a portable
miniature microwave oven.

Most of that time has been spent

focused on coming up with a
hip, edgy name for the product.

Something that will appeal
to the marketing holy trinity:

College students,
the morbidly obese and homosexuals.

Unfortunately, Legal just informed me

that the name we settled on
for our bite-sized microwave...

...the "Bitenuker",

is highly offensive to those who
speak either French or Dutch.

A Franco-Dutchman would pronounce it

"bet nyooker".

Hey! That's awful!

I'm sorry, Miss Laroche-van-der Hoot.

This product rolls out in two days.

We're in danger of losing
the European market.

Everyone here needs to
brainstorm new names.

Starting today, you are all
members of the Microwave Division.

We should make t-shirts!

Yes.

And you're in charge of that.

Remember, this isn't TGS, guys.

Let's not shoot for the middle this time.

Uh...

Absolutely not.

Excuse me, Imperial Guard.

How long do these arson trials typically last?

A couple weeks, probably.

You can drop the voice.

Oh. This used to get me out of
jury duty in Chicago all the time.

This ain't Chicago, honey.

Look at these people.

Oh, my.

Studio 6-H.

Kenneth, it's Liz.

Miss Lemon. Where are you?

The pig spoor has hit the wind spinner.

Mr. Jordan cussed at Martha Stewart.

And Miss Maroney...

...drank all the water out of the toilets.

And I keep starting to sneeze...

...but nothing comes out.

What? Does anyone there listen to me?

It's not my fault, Miss Lemon.

You didn't put anyone in charge.

Look, I have been put on a jury.

I will head there as soon as
we are dismissed for the day.

Try not to let anything else...

...bad happen.

I'm in charge.

Attention, everyone!

All menstruating women
go home immediately!

Huh.

He's been doing that for
almost eight hours, Dr. Vicki.

You know what I like to do for eight hours?

The TV Guide crossword puzzle.

Give me your hand.

Now, look into my eyes.

Okay. Uh... Now, let's try one
where you're not...

clawing at the window.

I don't think so, Steven.
This feels more natural.

It's just you're saying,
"Give me your hand."

This is what my character would do!

Oh. You're back.

Guess I'm not in charge anymore.

Hello?

Guys?

I've got a couple of hours.

Where is everybody?

They're all dead, Lemon.

What?

They're all dead unless they come up
with a name for my pocket microwave.

They're up in my office right now
where there are fewer...

foosballs.

So who's writing the show?

Now that you're back, uh...

I thought you could do it yourself.

How hard can it be?

Hey, I'm rapping Obama.

Welcome to another episode of
"Robot/Bear Talk Show".

Hey, I'm Josh doing an impression
of DeNiro as an auctioneer.

Do I hear $1,000?
Do I hear $1,000?

Wow, that's really good.

Jenna fills in time with a song.
Goodnight, goodnight. Mild applause.

You'll be done in an hour.

In the meantime...

Any ideas for microwave names?

Oh. Okay. Um... The Small Wonder.

The "Micro-Mate".
The "Porta- Hotty".

If you're not going to take this
seriously, then do your job.

Write the show.

And, more importantly, deal with Tracy.

How? That guy has got enough money

to pay FCC fines for the next 200 years.

Oh, forget the fines.
I've already dealt with the FCC.

And NBC is issuing
an apology on Tracy's behalf.

Your problem is your
advertisers are pulling out.

Oh, my God. With no ads...

No ads, no TGS.
No TGS...

I see you... self-publishing your novel
and moving back in with your parents.

No. Okay. I'll go talk to Tracy.

Hello, Liz Lemon.
Just catching up on some work.

Really?
- Yes.

What sounds more shocking?

Or...

Oh, God.

There you go.

Everything is okay.

What? No. Tracy.

Just because you have money doesn't mean

you can say whatever
thing that you want.

This has gotten bigger
than you just paying fines.

Our sponsors are pulling out because of you.

And if we don't have advertisers,

they're going to pull the plug on TGS.

Think about how you're hurting the crew.

I don't want to hurt the crew.

I love the crew.

All we do is joke around together
about our stupid boss, Liz Lem...

Well, anyway... Unless you know an advertiser

that really wants to be associated
with this, you need to stop.

Great idea, Liz Lemon.

Wait. Which part of what I said
are you talking about?

The first two-thirds!

I don't need to stop being myself

if I am the advertiser.

I have the money.

I'll just buy up all the ads

and let that hilarious Tracy Jordan
character do whatever he wants.

Put the phone down.
You can't do that. Jack won't let you.

We'll see about that.
Kenneth, I need you to set up a meeting

with you and the folks from Ad Sales.

What do you mean
you're not in charge anymore?

Sir. Tracy Jordan from "Tracy- Co"

called to invite you to a luncheon
celebrating their new ad campaign.

What? Seriously, Jonathan. Not now.

All right, everyone. It's back to the drawing board.

Legal rejected all of our ideas.

Every one of the names we came up
with was offensive in some language.

Including English, Frank.

They knew what a "Hot Richard" was?

So we're going to think
outside the box a little bit here.

I'm going to pick some random letters

from this bag of Scrabble tiles.

Let fate choose a name for us.

'V".

"A".

"G"... Why don't we start over?

"N".

"I".

I have an idea. Why don't I just
pull them all at once?

Why don't we take a break?

Uh, Jonathan, could you get Lemon
on the phone for me, please?

Ms. Gaulke?

How long have you been
an employee of Mailboxes Plus?

I have been an assistant
manager there for over seven years.

And how would you
describe the events

that took place there on December 1 7th?

The night of the fire. Yes.

Christmas was always a
very busy time at the store.

Throw in a late Hannukah and the fact
that I work in a Kwanzaa neighborhood

and it all made for a very stressful day.

I sent Maulik uptown for more 18-inch boxes.

But he returned, unrepentant,
with 1 2-inch ones.

Christine was late, as well as Harry S.

They said it was a problem with the subways.

But I suspect they were
doing sex with each other.

How many employees
do you have, Miss Gaulke?

I supervise 12 employees,

most of whom would be
unemployable in any other field.

They are selfish, irresponsible people

who I know talk about me behind my back.

They seem to think that their job

is wasting my time and energy

by making their every miniscule
problem my personal responsibility.

They don't care.

And don't even get me started
on Tracy and Jenna.

And when the last one of them
trundled off that night,

I smelled the air and I could feel that it was time.

Time for a new beginning.

And I knew that this was possible
only through a cleansing fire.

It would all have to burn.

The packing peanuts, the delivery slips...

All of it would dance
in the warm mouth of my fire.

And a new, better, wonderful me...

would rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

Behold! The splendor of my beginning!

I rest my case, Your Honor.

Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

Underlings, I want to hear your ideas.

Oh, my God. I knew this day would come.
I have so much inside of me.

My first idea is a movie that
combines action and romance.

Kenneth? You go.

A name... for a pocket microwave oven.

That's neat. A little microwave oven.

So, it's kind of like a "funcooker".

The Funcooker. Yes!

It's snappy, fresh, and incapable of offending.

Jonathan, get Legal on the phone.

Kenneth? I owe you one.

One hug, you mean?

Jonathan?

Sir, they're reading Mr. Jordan's apology
if you want to watch it.

"...I regret any pain my
words and actions may have caused.

"I apologize to my family, my fans,
and the American public.

"Peace and love, Track Jordan."

A heartfelt apology from a comedy icon.

And we'll be right back.

I do not apologize, America!

I did not even write that apology!

I am advertiser Tracy Jordan,
and I approved this message.

I am an advertiser.

I am an advertiser.

Is that 30 seconds, yet?

It doesn't matter.

We have The Funcooker.

Kenneth, hi. It's Liz.

I should be able to get up there in... an hour?

Where are you rushing off to?

Work?

Not me.

I'm going to have a sandwich
in my cell and take a nap.

This man opens doors for me.

I'm free. I'm freer than you.

I'm freer than you.

Professor Bananas is dead.

Look. I... I know we're fighting, but...

I need to borrow your car.

P.A.: 30 seconds.

Ah. How are you feeling, Miss Maroney?

Great. Alert.

Hey. Is your vision steadily
narrowing down to a pinpoint

as if a darkness is closing in on you?

No, ma'am!

P.A.: The cast is set
for "Robot/Bear Talk Show".

I'm back! I'm back! What's going on?

What have they done?
Do we need to shut this down?

Lemon, calm down.
Everything's going to work out just fine.

The show's about to begin.
Your sketch is adequate.

And I've got The Funcooker.

What? What about the --

It's the
Bear and Robot Talk Show!

Okay.

Jenna needs to sleep or she's going to die!

Which one of you is Jenna?

No.

Go to sleep! Sleep, Jenna!

Sleep! It's for your own good!

Don't fight me!

Don't fight me!

Sleep or die!

Hey, America!

Oh, Tracy. Please cover for them.

Check out my funcooker!

Did he just say "Funcooker"?

Oh. That's where I've heard that.

Sleep, Jenna!

Go to commercial. Go to commercial.

Go to commercial!

Hi. I'm Tracy Jordan.

My wife is throwing away
some of our old towels.

Do you want them?
Because they're out by the trash cans.

Now that's got to be 30 seconds.

Nine?

Okay. Here comes the funcooker.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Could we get some Diet Slice
and pita chips up in here?

"Bite nuker"!

Oh. 9:00 A.M. Monday.

Right, Liz? I'll be there with pants on.

You're the best!

Hi, girlfriend.

Let's go out this weekend
and talk about you.

All I did was ask for a Diet Slice
and some pita chips.

Nice try, Liz. Now, it's my turn.

Well, they're all terrified of you.

That will get you a week of good behavior.

My containers.

My new beginning.

Lemon, we've both had a rough week.

You went "firebug", and I'm sitting on
four million mini-microwaves

that Legal won't let out of the warehouse.

I suggest we both go to
our respective homes...

open a bottle of wine...

and heat up some ham... in the shower.

It works in the shower?

You know what?
This really is the best day ever.

Here comes the funcooker!

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