Original subtitles

Oh! Good morning, Dr. Baird.

Good morning, Regular Person Lemon.

Oh, hey, are you around this weekend?

Um... maybe we could have that date we talked...

Yes.

Okay.

Uh... how about Friday?

Oh, no. Friday, I have a stupid... show.

How about Saturday?

Saturday, um... okay. I guess that doesn't have to be weird.

Okay, then.

Okay...

Valentine's Day it is.

Saturday is Valentine's Day? Norts!

You sound so sexy when you say that.

Say it again.

Your mother has gone back to...

Florida.

These McFlurries are amazing.

I know-- the soft swirl of vanilla and the hard crunch

of candy and cookies.

You'd think they'd fight each other, but no.

Together, they are perfecto.

Some would say that describes us.

Who would say such a crazy thing?

We are us.

the world's greatest dessert.

Actually, the world's greatest dessert is served

in a restaurant right here in New York called Plunder.

It costs $1,000.

Lucky for you, your boyfriend got reservations

for Valentine's Day.

But I have to go to church.

On Valentine's Day? Is that a thing?

It is the feast of the martyrdom of St. Valentine.

Please, Jack.

Don't tell me you're one of those convenient Catholics

that only goes to church every Sunday.

Oh...

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Oh, Kenneth, hey.

You know how the company makes an effort to hire the disabled?

Do I? I wouldn't have this job

if it weren't for the mouth on my back.

Yeah, I'm supposed to supervise some blind chick

they hired to edit the reruns.

But three of the dancers just found out

they're all dating the same guy, so I'm going to go watch that.

So, if you see a blind chick, I don't know, um...

give her one of your boring tours.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I'm just funning, it's all sewed up.

I'll help you, Miss.

Oh, thank you so much.

All my friends warned me about the big city.

But, look.

Right away, I meet a gentleman.

Is everything okay? Because now, I smell burnt plastic.

Hello?

Are you there?

Hello?

I can't make this guy go on a first date on Valentine's.

Why are you so nervous about this?

Because it's a delicate situation, Jack.

There is handsomeness involved.

How much?

Oh, come on, Lemon.

What is this, a green card thing?

No.

Closet case?

Don't think so.

Slut buster?

No, not a ball player.

Bundy-esque serial killer?

That was my first thought. But, no.

This is actually happening and I'm blowing it.

Who pushes for a first date on Valentine's Day?

Lemon, here's how you correct this misstep.

Instead of going to a restaurant where it will be nothing but

people in love and rings hidden in pastries...

Ugh.

Cook him a nice meal at home.

Nice? You mean, like, stew?

I certainly do not mean stew.

I mean, try to forget it's Valentine's Day.

I'm going to. I'll be in church.

What? Why?

Elisa is deeply religious.

If I had those knockers, I'd be thanking God, too.

All I want for Valentine's Day is to go to Plunder

and eat the Lovers' Delight.

That sounds filthy, Jack.

It is. Imagine a dessert for two:

Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream in a pool of cognac

drizzled in the world's most expensive chocolate--

Amedei Porceleana--

covered with shaved white, black and clear truffles

and topped with edible 25-karat gold leaf.

Can you imagine anything better?

I don't know. Have you ever put a donut in the microwave?

Come on, church won't be so bad. Aren't you Catholic?

I was Catholic.

But I haven't set foot inside a church since I was 13 years old.

So, listen, so you go sit through a night of church

and then you go to Plunder. Elisa's worth it.

You're right. Elisa is worth it.

And I can fake enthusiasm when I need to.

Hey, that scarf is fun!

Thanks. I found it at Dunkin... wait a minute.

NBC? Blah, blah, blah. Thank you.

Ken, you need to snap out of it and ask out that sexy Ms. Magoo.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I know love at first sight when I see it.

I saw it when I met Angie.

I saw it the first time Dotcom laid eyes on Grizz's fiancee.

Okay, there is something about Jennifer that just

makes me all carsick inside.

Now is the time for gallantry.

Oh! It's you again.

I can tell.

Well, cotton and fiddles.

I enjoy your smile.

Oh, my.

I'm Jennifer Rogers.

You may call me Kenneth the page

because that is who I am.

Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night?

Yes, indeedy corncobs?

Well, I'm going to say yes

because this just

feels right and my instincts have never let me down...

except for looking at that eclipse.

It's a Valentine's date-li-doo!

That was really good stew.

Thank you.

It's my own recipe where I use cheddar cheese instead of water.

You know, I'm glad we stayed in tonight.

It's good to take things slow.

Well, please know that when I invited you over

I didn't realize it was Valentine's Day.

Yeah, you still have that rotting jack-o-lantern in the hallway,

so I feel like you don't have a great sense of what month it is.

Well, it's just gotten so small that I kind of

want to see if it disappears.

So, uh, first date stuff... where are you from?

Well, there's a really interesting answer to that question.

Actually, I was born

on the border of Maryland and Pennsylvania.

Okay, I feel like I should do the right thing here

and tell you that your breast has fallen out of your blouse

and I can see all of it.

Okay. Well, I guess we just...

jumped ahead to date four.

It's not the good one, either.

Jack Donaghy's office.

Jonathan... our Jonathan, who art in the office

hallowed be my reservation.

If you are able...

hold my table

at Plunder

as we will not be there by seven.

Have them delay our heavenly dessert

and forgive us our lateness, as we forgive those

who cause lateness against us.

Well, thank you for explaining that.

I always wanted to know how a universal remote works.

Well, that's how it does.

Would you excuse me just one second?

I'll be right back.

Oh, cheese stew. What was I thinking?

I think your brownies are burning.

You want me to take them out?

Oh, yes, please, um, but whatever you do

don't open that kitchen window.

No!

Oh! Too soon!

The draft made the door fly open!

I know. It's not a big deal.

So, we skipped from date four to date... 20.

No, date never! I would never let that happen.

Liz, it's okay. I'm a doctor. I've seen much worse.

Really?

I'm just kidding. That was pretty bad.

Hold on, hold on.

I'm sorry. I have to get this.

Hello? Mandy...

Yeah-- no, I'm downstairs in 3B. Why?

No, Mandy. You can't just drop her off without calling.

Mandy? Is that, like, a guy friend, like Mandy Patinkin?

No, I can't...

because I am on a date right now.

No, Mandy...

don't hang up.

Sorry.

That was my ex-wife.

My daughter, Bethany, is on her way up.

You have a daughter.

You will see her. You will say she's cute.

But let me just say that she is... complicated.

My mother usually watches her when I can't

but my mother has been in the hospital recently

and she's not doing very well and that has been...

hard for me to handle.

I'm sorry that all this keeps falling apart.

I was really looking forward to tonight.

Well, we could try again some other time.

Or...

I'm listening.

Maybe tonight is a gift.

Maybe we embrace the... toilet thing and the bra incident

and my ex-wife and my daughter

and we just get it all out in one night.

And if, by the end of it, we still like each other

then maybe it's the real thing.

All right, that would be Bethany.

Um... this is it.

The express train is leaving the station.

I'm on the train.

Okay.

Mom's keying your car.

Bethany, this is Liz.

Hi. It's so...

Why does it smell in here?

- I got sick. - Beef stew.

Okay, be nice. I will be right back after I go talk to your mother.

And give me your purse.

Why don't you ever trust me?

Because, honey, you keep setting fire to things.

And now, a prayer

for the pregnant members of our congregation:

Anita Alvarez, Anna Alvarez, Annabelle Alvarez...

Honey, this is a Catholic church.

We'll be here until morning.

All right, you've been good.

Let's go.

We just have to go to confession before we leave.

Priest:... Benita Alvaros.

Okay, here's how this is going to go.

We're going to sit here in silence for about three minutes.

Then, I'm going to take my girlfriend to Plunder

where the Pope himself could not get a table.

You sound troubled, my son.

Can it, Father.

That was a nice try, though.

That limo ride was weird.

I felt like we just circled the block 50 times.

That's how you get

to Manhattan's fanciest restaurant.

Ah, Monsieur Parcell. Votre table est prit.

I didn't know it was a French restaurant.

Yes, I found it on my favorite website

StopShowingOff.com.

It's busy tonight.

This is the best darn-tootingest restaurant

in all of New York.

This is the best night ever. Thank you, Kenneth.

You're one in a million.

Man, can you believe we're working on Valentine's night?

My fiancee is gonna be upset.

Not to worry, I sent her flowers and a beautiful card.

You're the best.

Don't you have faith?

I have faith... in things I can see

and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion.

You want to have an intellectual argument? Fine.

But I should warn you I went to Princeton.

I went to Harvard Divinity School.

You Crimson guys never miss a chance, do you?

You want a confession?

Let's get this done so I can go eat.

I am divorced.

I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish.

I hit my mother with a car...

possibly by accident.

I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field.

I looked the other way

when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange.

I once claimed I am God during a deposition.

And... I may have sodomized our former Vice President

while under the influence of

some weapons-grade narcotics.

It feels good to say that out loud, actually.

That one was weighing on me.

Wow, I... I... I don't know what to say.

I don't want you to say anything.

I already made that clear.

Then what brought you here tonight?

What brought me here? What brings anyone anywhere?

Why do men build bridges? Why are there jets?

I was hoping to have sex tonight.

Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?

Come on, man.

Imagine cradling your face into

the curve of a velvety-soft neck

your hands cupping the warm heft of the greatest pair of...

I need backup! Harvard did not prepare me for this.

Father?

I like your bracelets.

Girls in my school get them for doing different things on the bus.

Blue is for showing your boobs.

Purple is for doing stuff over your clothes.

Black is for doing stuff...

Okay, uh... your mom left.

How are you two getting along?

She had some more stew while you were outside.

Whoa. Wow, Liz, did you kill the whole bottle?

What?

Uh... sorry. Hello?

Yes, Gloria.

Why are you crying?

Gloria? How many ex-wives does he have?

That's my aunt.

She is not going to like you.

No, of course.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Yeah, good-bye.

Mom has taken a turn.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Look, I know I said that we would take this

in fast motion tonight, but...

No. No, I know.

I really am glad we did

because I don't think I can handle this by myself.

Oh. Okay.

What?

Liz knew.

Entertainment?

Not just any entertainment

the best singer in the world...

Michael McDonald.

Wow, he does not sound good live.

# Once in a life...?

Oh, okay, in English, in English.

You tortured that poor priest. Let me ask you something.

Do you even believe in the teachings of

the Catholic Church?

No.

But I saw your photo with the Pope.

That's just good business.

I have photos with a lot of people--

The Dalai Lama, Rabbi Yossef, Toby Keith...

I see. You have no faith, only business.

You know what your problem is, Jack?

You intellectualize everything with your big head.

Well, you have big boobs.

Which you will never touch again!

This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

Maybe this is God trying to tell me that we do not belong together.

Maybe this is a sign.

Look, my driver just pulled up. That's a sign.

God wants us to leave here, get a good meal

and go to town on each other.

How dare you say something like that so close to the statue of Santa Lucia...

the patron saint of judgmental statues.

Go to your stupid restaurant.

Eat your gold ice cream.

Please come with me.

No. You blew it, Jack.

And now, you will never see

the crazy underwears I have on.

Elisa!

What kind of God would let that happen?

Oh, Drew, finally. Who is this?

This is Liz.

This is our first date.

On Valentine's Day?

he saw me on the toilet...

Liz.

Oh, Dr. Baird, your mother's asked to speak to you privately.

I'm sorry... is this, like, a "Sixth Sense" thing?

Should I bring a place setting for your friend?

Mom?

Who is that?

That's my friend, Liz.

Hi, Mrs. Baird.

It's too soon, Andrew.

I know, we tried to take it slow.

Life... I have more I want to do.

Oh, right, you. Of course.

I'm going to go grab her chart. I'll be right back.

Um...

Mandy?

You look terrible.

Oh, no, I'm not Mandy. I'm Liz.

Mandy, you have to tell Drew something for me.

The woman he thinks is his sister is really his mother.

What?

I'm his grandmother.

You have to tell him or I won't get into Heaven.

Thank you for a truly unbelievable evening.

It doesn't have to end here, y'allsies.

Wait, this isn't right.

Kenneth, why do you suddenly sound white?

I lied to you, Jennifer.

I was too scared to talk to you

so my sophisticated friend, Tracy

said the things that I couldn't. I'm very, very sorry.

Well, if you could have talked to me, what would you have said?

That you're the sweetest...

prettiest, blindest girl I've ever met.

And when I'm with you, my heart jumps like a frog

on July asphalt right before it dies.

You're so beautiful on the inside, Kenneth Parcell.

Can I feel your face?

Yeah.

Oh...

Oh, look at the time. I forgot I have a... a thing.

That is cold, blind lady!

Oh, and by the way...

you are not so attractive, yourself.

No, I'm... I'm pretty sure I'm hot.

Yes, you are. I tried.

I'm so sorry.

Listen, thank you so much for being so great during all this.

Let's do this again sometime...

except have it not be anything like this at all.

Good night.

Good night.

Uh... Liz?

You know, my mom did just die.

Funny story.

Hear me out.

I'll have a, uh...

...a McFlurry, please.

And I have a coupon. You know where I found it?

In the collection plate. It was a sign.

I followed it

and it brought us back together. Now do you believe?

I believe.

I believe that we were reunited by the most successful

capitalist enterprise of the last hundred years

despite the McLean Deluxe or the McEmu.

Whatever.

Someone's trying to tell us that we belong together.

Maybe it's God.

Maybe it's Ray Kroc.

Maybe it's the Hamburgler.

Happy Valentine's Day, querida.

Happy St. Valentine's Day, mi amor.

Boy, I hope that guy's not planning to kill and eat her.

Jack, you're such a romantic.

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