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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:08,640
Hey,I wanted to come say merry christmas
before we all leave for the break.
3
00:00:08,650 --> 00:00:10,490
Oh,thank you,lemon.
That's very thoughtful.
4
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:11,910
Help yourself to a gift.
5
00:00:13,790 --> 00:00:17,060
It's our new handheld photo
scanner/paper shredder.
6
00:00:17,630 --> 00:00:20,090
Oh,well,won't people just
end up shredding their photos?
7
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:21,420
No,no,it's very to use.
8
00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,840
If you want to
pto-scan,you flip the stc.S.
9
00:00:23,850 --> 00:00:26,680
And if you want to paper
shred,you flip the switch to--
10
00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:31,810
I'd like to make an announcement!
11
00:00:33,030 --> 00:00:37,390
I just want to say that I'm really sorry for
whatever I'm going to do at the party tonight.
12
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:42,860
And I forgive all of you in advance for leaving
me passed out by the elevator in my own gravy.
13
00:00:42,870 --> 00:00:45,080
Merry ludachristmas,everyone!
14
00:00:45,090 --> 00:00:47,730
Are you gonna do horny
santa again,frank?
15
00:00:47,740 --> 00:00:51,210
That was so funny last
year when I sat on your lap.
16
00:00:51,570 --> 00:00:53,510
Yes,funny.
17
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,600
So big plans for the holidays?
18
00:00:55,610 --> 00:00:57,440
Yeah,my parents are
coming with my brother,
19
00:00:57,450 --> 00:00:59,930
and we're gonna go see
jersey boys on broadway.
20
00:00:59,940 --> 00:01:02,760
And we're gonna go to that restaurant
where they pretend it's mars.
21
00:01:02,770 --> 00:01:04,800
God,you must be a ball
of anxiety right now.
22
00:01:04,810 --> 00:01:05,800
No,I'm really excited.
23
00:01:05,810 --> 00:01:06,790
What are you trying to say,lemon?
24
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,570
That your family's perfect
and you never fight?
25
00:01:08,580 --> 00:01:12,730
No,I remember them arguing a
lot during the gas crisis of '79.
26
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:15,940
But since carter left office,it's
been pretty smooth sailing.
27
00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:17,340
You got that right.
28
00:01:17,350 --> 00:01:19,130
So is your mom coming up from florida?
29
00:01:19,140 --> 00:01:22,110
No,I invited her out of
my paralyzing irish guilt,
30
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:25,370
but her plane was grounded
because of hurricane zapato.
31
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:27,390
Look at that!
32
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,460
That's where she lives.
Jupiter,the eye of the storm-
33
00:01:31,050 --> 00:01:32,830
So are you alone for christmas?
34
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,930
No,I was gonna drive up to
vermont and surprise C.C.
35
00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:36,990
Sir!
36
00:01:37,310 --> 00:01:38,490
Your mother is here.
37
00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:39,910
She took a bus to atlanta.
38
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,820
- She got jet blue to accept an
amtrak ticket. - Tell her I'm--
39
00:01:42,830 --> 00:01:46,720
jingle bells,jingle
bells,jingle bells surprise!
40
00:01:46,730 --> 00:01:49,410
It's your mother. Merry christmas.
41
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,730
Jack...
42
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:54,800
isn't this the office you had before?
43
00:01:54,810 --> 00:01:56,510
I thought you were up
for a big promotion.
44
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,680
I am,mother,and there are only two
nicer offices in the whole building.
45
00:01:59,690 --> 00:02:01,780
Only two? I don't like the odds.
46
00:02:01,790 --> 00:02:04,560
I think you better let that dream go.
47
00:02:04,990 --> 00:02:06,680
Hello,liz!
48
00:02:07,450 --> 00:02:08,430
What the hell was th?
49
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,520
It's a message on my
phone from a friend.
50
00:02:10,530 --> 00:02:12,870
Oh,jackie,please. Who is she?
51
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:13,950
Her name is C.C.
52
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:14,970
Is she spanish?
53
00:02:14,980 --> 00:02:16,080
What if she was,?
54
00:02:16,090 --> 00:02:17,970
She's very smart,colleen.
You'd like her.
55
00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:20,500
My thanks to the peanut gallery.
56
00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:24,650
Jack,this coat isn't
going to take itself off.
57
00:02:24,660 --> 00:02:32,000
-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
proudly presents
58
00:02:33,260 --> 00:02:39,270
-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
sync:������
59
00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:42,700
30 Rock
Season02 Episode09
60
00:02:46,180 --> 00:02:48,240
Ludachristmas is tonight?
61
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,130
Well,I guess I can make it.
62
00:02:50,140 --> 00:02:53,610
I just hope i don't get drunk and sing
christmas carols like I did last year.
63
00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:57,020
Well,I'm not going,because my parents
and my brother mitch are in town.
64
00:02:57,030 --> 00:02:59,490
- Mitch is here?
- Yes.
65
00:03:00,070 --> 00:03:01,680
For those of you who
don't know my brother,
66
00:03:01,690 --> 00:03:04,880
mitch was in a skiing accident
his senior year of high school,
67
00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:09,060
and he has what's called
trauma-induced niveaphasia.
68
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:12,790
Basically he's just stuck in
the day before his accident.
69
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,730
Oh,tomorrow's the big day!
70
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,970
It's gonna be totally rad!
71
00:03:18,980 --> 00:03:21,150
Yeah,mitch,rad!
72
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:26,850
He thinks it's 1985. So if
you meet him,just be cool.
73
00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:30,310
It should be mentioned that
sexually mitch is very much an adult.
74
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,560
No,it should not be mentioned.
75
00:03:32,570 --> 00:03:36,210
Merry christmas from
sheinhart-universal,everyone.
76
00:03:36,530 --> 00:03:37,950
- Merry christmas.
- Thank you!
77
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,340
Merry christmas.
78
00:03:39,350 --> 00:03:40,960
Merry jewish.
79
00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:42,470
Merry christmas.
80
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:43,540
What is this?
81
00:03:43,550 --> 00:03:46,450
It's a ps-575 photo shredder.
82
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,550
Well,that's not the christmas spirit.
83
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,380
Christmas is about
gratitude and togetherness.
84
00:03:53,390 --> 00:03:58,780
Sitting with friends and family around a
crackling fire waiting for the owl meat to cook.
85
00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:04,440
Sometimes I don't think you
people understand christmas at all.
86
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,750
Hi,I think I'm early.
87
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,770
I'm here to have christmas meats
eaten off my chest at some party.
88
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,420
Merry christmas,ms. Lemon.
89
00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:19,390
Oh,thank you,kenneth.
90
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,900
Well,fancy suits. How was court?
91
00:04:24,910 --> 00:04:26,200
Not great,beth.
92
00:04:26,210 --> 00:04:27,880
Oh,you really were in court?
93
00:04:27,890 --> 00:04:30,950
all tray had to do was sign
his community service papers.
94
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,530
But he makes a stop for breakfast first.
95
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:37,250
So it's my fault diners can
serve alcohol in new york state?
96
00:04:37,260 --> 00:04:38,930
That's on me now?
97
00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:40,980
Now I have to wear this for 30 days.
98
00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:41,940
Oh,my goodness.
99
00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:44,290
If I even had a drop
of alcohol in my sweat,
100
00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:48,610
a signal goes to ankle bracelet
headquarters in denver,and I go to jail.
101
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:55,210
And now? This time of the year?
102
00:04:55,220 --> 00:04:57,440
Ludachristmas? Nude year's eve?
103
00:04:57,450 --> 00:05:00,150
Martin luther king day?
All you do is drink.
104
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,930
- No,tracy,you are not going
to ludachristmas. - But--
105
00:05:02,940 --> 00:05:05,460
the three of you are in charge
of keeping him from drinking.
106
00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:08,310
Okay. But who's project manager?
107
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,640
Hmm,that bad,huh?
108
00:05:13,930 --> 00:05:14,690
Oh,these aren't for me.
109
00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:19,320
I'm sending them to my mother's hotel room
because the room service there is too salty.
110
00:05:19,330 --> 00:05:20,740
Family stuff can be tough.
111
00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:22,210
Lemon party!
112
00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,340
Permission to land!
113
00:05:24,350 --> 00:05:26,520
Permission granted!
114
00:05:26,530 --> 00:05:28,650
There's my baby!
115
00:05:29,250 --> 00:05:32,080
Hey,liz,you want to go skiing
up at piper's peak tomorrow?
116
00:05:32,090 --> 00:05:33,450
It's gonna be rad.
117
00:05:33,460 --> 00:05:35,140
Psych! You can't go!
118
00:05:35,150 --> 00:05:37,100
It's the senior class trip!
119
00:05:37,110 --> 00:05:39,880
Oh,psych! You got me,mitch!
120
00:05:40,860 --> 00:05:42,720
Jack,these are my parents.
121
00:05:42,730 --> 00:05:45,100
Dick lemon. This is my boy mitch.
122
00:05:45,110 --> 00:05:47,570
And my first wife margaret.
123
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:49,640
- First and last,hi!
- Jack donaghy.
124
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:52,040
You are a very,very handsome man.
125
00:05:52,050 --> 00:05:54,750
He looks like an arrow shirt model.
126
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:59,600
So,jack,is this beautiful
genius the best employee
127
00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:02,070
you've ever had or what?
128
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:05,630
No.
129
00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:12,170
I like this guy's honesty.
130
00:06:12,180 --> 00:06:13,640
Yeah,me too.
131
00:06:13,650 --> 00:06:15,930
Show us what you've been working on...
132
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:17,800
wilma shakespeare.
133
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:20,540
Oh,I'm just so proud of you.
134
00:06:20,550 --> 00:06:23,000
Oh,you boota boota boota!
135
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:26,070
- Nice to meet you,sir.
- Yeah.
136
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:36,810
Would you wrap these up and send
them to the ritz-carlton,please?
137
00:06:40,610 --> 00:06:43,370
Oh,my goodness!
138
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:45,470
Look at this!
139
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:50,580
They built all of this because
of your words you wrote.
140
00:06:50,830 --> 00:06:52,580
Thank you,thank you.
141
00:06:53,350 --> 00:06:55,530
Hey,liz,guess who's
going skiing with me?
142
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,340
Chris stanek,your boyfriend!
143
00:06:58,560 --> 00:06:59,620
Aw,what? Shut up!
144
00:06:59,630 --> 00:07:01,700
I don't like him! Boys are gross!
145
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:05,120
Did you hear that chris
stanek got divorced?
146
00:07:05,130 --> 00:07:06,420
When? Is he dating again?
147
00:07:06,430 --> 00:07:08,180
lemon,could I have a word
with you for a moment?
148
00:07:08,190 --> 00:07:09,430
Oh,excuse me.
149
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,230
- Is,uh,everything okay?
- Yeah,why?
150
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,550
Your family is strange.
151
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:19,110
Oh,mitch? No,he was in a skiing
accident,and he thinks it's 1985.
152
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,720
No,I get it. I'm talking
about your parents.
153
00:07:22,090 --> 00:07:24,990
What did your mother mean when she
said that you were a beautiful genius?
154
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,330
Was she taunting you?
155
00:07:26,340 --> 00:07:29,310
No,they're just super supportive.
They've always been like that.
156
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:33,300
Even I when I sued the lower white haven
school district to let girls play football.
157
00:07:33,310 --> 00:07:34,250
Hut!
158
00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:39,910
Feminism!
159
00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:42,390
What?
160
00:07:45,490 --> 00:07:49,200
We didn't make the playoffs that year,but
I think we led the league in bravery.
161
00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:53,610
My god,I've never seen such
relentless blind encouragement.
162
00:07:53,620 --> 00:07:55,870
No wonder you're a sexually
frightened know-it-all.
163
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,270
hey,dad,take my picture,look.
164
00:07:58,280 --> 00:07:59,990
I'm the lady from flashdance.
165
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,050
that's a good flashdance,honey.
166
00:08:04,180 --> 00:08:05,930
Good flashdance.
167
00:08:07,450 --> 00:08:10,550
The holidays without drinking is rough.
168
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,550
Turns out football is boring.
169
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,370
My wife's sister ain't as
cute as I thought she was.
170
00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:17,510
And I cannot play the guitar.
171
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:20,390
Mr. Jordan,I know how difficult this is.
172
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,770
I was pretty addicted to coke
back in my wall street days.
173
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:32,030
But you can get through this.
174
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,690
The first night is the hardest.
175
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:35,580
But tonight is ludachristmas.
176
00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:40,470
No,tonight you and i are gonna
have some real christmas fun.
177
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:41,860
We can play party games.
178
00:08:41,870 --> 00:08:43,040
Like murder!
179
00:08:43,050 --> 00:08:45,610
First,everybody takes a
slip of paper out of a hat.
180
00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:47,550
And one person's slip says "murderer."
181
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,680
And another person's
slip says "inspector."
182
00:08:49,690 --> 00:08:51,590
Then everyone puts their head down.
183
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:52,460
Except the murderer.
184
00:08:52,470 --> 00:08:53,740
He's the inspector.
185
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,630
No,that's not right.
186
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,730
K,thanks for trying to help.
187
00:08:57,740 --> 00:09:00,120
But I'm gonna go home,do some thinking,
188
00:09:00,130 --> 00:09:04,080
and tell my wife's sister
to disregard all my emails.
189
00:09:05,490 --> 00:09:08,530
That hotel was a disaster,jack.
190
00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:11,030
The tv had over 100
channels,for god sakes.
191
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,110
I'm only gonna be here for three days.
192
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,040
Fine,mother. You can stay with me.
193
00:09:15,050 --> 00:09:17,930
No,I will not let you
do that. Are you sure?
194
00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:19,760
Yes,mother,I'm quite sure.
195
00:09:19,770 --> 00:09:21,740
All right,then,that's settled.
196
00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:25,410
Jack,do you have a bathroom
that I can get to in a hurry?
197
00:09:25,420 --> 00:09:28,500
Yes,right in here,mother.
198
00:09:28,510 --> 00:09:30,500
Well,that is close,isn't it?
199
00:09:30,510 --> 00:09:32,110
I'll be right out.
200
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,730
She should've been there.
201
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:40,150
Knock knock!
202
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,870
It's just the lemons.
203
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,360
We've come to drop off a
little good-bye present.
204
00:09:45,370 --> 00:09:46,700
Oh,thank you!
205
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,440
Oh,my goodness!
206
00:09:48,450 --> 00:09:51,300
What a beautiful office.
207
00:09:51,310 --> 00:09:54,000
Oh,your mother must be so proud of you.
208
00:09:54,530 --> 00:09:56,390
wow,look at this carpet.
209
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,930
I feel like we should
take off our shoes.
210
00:09:57,940 --> 00:09:59,580
Should we take off our shoes?
211
00:09:59,590 --> 00:10:01,200
No,please sit down and
make yourselves comfortable.
212
00:10:01,210 --> 00:10:02,970
Well,we don't want to bother you.
213
00:10:02,980 --> 00:10:05,140
We know you must have big plans.
214
00:10:05,150 --> 00:10:07,950
Well,I was going to drive up to
vermont and visit my girlfriend C.C.
215
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,560
- Oh,I love that name.
- C.C.
216
00:10:09,570 --> 00:10:12,380
Ooh,I'll bet any girlfriend
of yours is a real winner.
217
00:10:12,390 --> 00:10:13,740
Well,she is a congresswoman.
218
00:10:13,750 --> 00:10:15,050
Oh,my goodness!
219
00:10:15,730 --> 00:10:17,290
And she does have her
own lifetime movie.
220
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:19,070
- Lifetime!
- Wowsers!
221
00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:23,480
Why don't we cut the charade and you two
tell me what exactly it is you want from me.
222
00:10:28,730 --> 00:10:31,570
now,alfonso,let's find where
you should put the keyboard.
223
00:10:32,570 --> 00:10:38,830
Open,open hommina,hommina,hommina
open pit barbecue sauce
224
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,410
yes,this is the sweet spot.
225
00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:42,960
Oh,and no chitchat
between songs this year.
226
00:10:42,970 --> 00:10:45,480
People don't watch
letterman for paul shaffer.
227
00:10:48,740 --> 00:10:50,790
Excuse me,ma'am,do you
know where the bathroom is?
228
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,140
Hi there,mitch.
229
00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:54,940
It's jenna. Maroney.
230
00:10:54,950 --> 00:10:56,840
We know each other.
231
00:10:56,850 --> 00:10:58,640
Are you,like,a friend
of my mom's or something?
232
00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:01,010
I mean,I'll tell her you said hi.
233
00:11:07,410 --> 00:11:09,410
What's up? Do you like wham?
234
00:11:09,420 --> 00:11:12,870
'Cause I'm kind of like the
george michael of my school.
235
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,310
- Oh,you're mitch.
- Yeah.
236
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:16,540
Coming to the party tonight?
237
00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:17,970
Oh,I wish.
238
00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:21,260
I gotta rest up for my
big ski trip tomorrow.
239
00:11:21,270 --> 00:11:24,020
You know,maybe you and i could
do something together next week.
240
00:11:24,030 --> 00:11:25,150
Definitely.
241
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:29,790
My parents are away next ********
242
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,230
******
243
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,290
that's a filthy christmas miracle.
244
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:45,120
There you guys are. I'm sorry
they just barged in like that.
245
00:11:45,130 --> 00:11:46,050
On,not at all.
246
00:11:46,060 --> 00:11:48,850
They were just dropping
off this christmas present.
247
00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:50,580
Oh,and look at this.
248
00:11:50,930 --> 00:11:54,200
It got cheese and butter and
caramel. All my favorites.
249
00:11:54,210 --> 00:11:55,020
How did you know?
250
00:11:55,030 --> 00:11:56,470
Well,we will let you go.
251
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,390
We've got a lot of
window shopping to do.
252
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,390
Jack,why don't you come with us?
253
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,790
Come on,you can talk to
mitch about president reagan.
254
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,600
Oh,in his mind reagan
is still president.
255
00:12:05,610 --> 00:12:07,170
You lucky bastard.
256
00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:08,230
What?
257
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,490
I would love to go with you.
258
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:13,430
Good,good,good!
259
00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:17,250
jack?
260
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:19,010
Hey,dude,I thought you left.
261
00:12:19,020 --> 00:12:21,190
Yeah,I mean,what are you guys
doing? Going to ludachristmas?
262
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,930
Yep,we heard you can't drink.
263
00:12:22,940 --> 00:12:23,880
You still coming?
264
00:12:23,890 --> 00:12:26,460
No,no,I can't go because
of the ankle bracelet.
265
00:12:26,470 --> 00:12:28,790
But maybe I could go and just not drink.
266
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,510
Hey,maybe I'll compromise.
267
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:33,890
I'll go to the party,cut off
my foot,and drink all I want.
268
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,140
Luda-christmas!
269
00:12:38,150 --> 00:12:39,600
Luda-christmas!
270
00:12:39,610 --> 00:12:41,030
Luda-christmas!
271
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,530
Luda-christmas!
272
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,530
Some people need to
learn about christmas.
273
00:12:52,930 --> 00:12:55,380
Hey,watch out for her,jack.
274
00:12:55,390 --> 00:12:57,190
She's a natural athlete.
275
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,220
Played high school football.
276
00:12:59,230 --> 00:13:01,490
It was just one game,dad.
277
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:03,550
Although I did kind of
change everything forever.
278
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,680
I'll never forget that day.
279
00:13:05,690 --> 00:13:08,940
Jack,you laced those
up like a professional.
280
00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:10,330
Good for you!
281
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:13,080
It's nice to have some
positive reinforcement,isn't it?
282
00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:15,590
Well,it's only positive
reinforcement when they say it to you.
283
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,080
In my case,they're
just stating the facts.
284
00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:21,510
I do look like the arrow shirt man,I
did lace up my skates professionally,
285
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,010
and I did do a fabulous
job finishing my muffin.
286
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:26,500
You wish you were in my family.
287
00:13:26,860 --> 00:13:28,430
Don't be ridiculous.
288
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,100
So this disney cruise in
march,are you in or out?
289
00:13:31,110 --> 00:13:32,030
hey,huddle up.
290
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,760
- We're gonna take a picture.
- Yeah.
291
00:13:33,770 --> 00:13:35,030
Oh,thank you.
292
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,290
Say "lemon!"
293
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:37,820
lemon!
294
00:13:37,830 --> 00:13:39,750
jack!
295
00:13:40,830 --> 00:13:42,660
Having fun?
296
00:13:46,090 --> 00:13:48,000
Under the bridge,under the bridge,woo!
297
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,550
Jack,what the hell are you up to?
298
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,700
Mother,I'm sorry,but the lemons
invited me out,and I couldn't say no.
299
00:13:53,710 --> 00:13:55,460
They're very nice people.
300
00:13:55,470 --> 00:13:57,740
oh,nice. I'll show you nice.
301
00:13:57,750 --> 00:14:01,360
Let's all meet down at the soda shop
while this country turns into mexico.
302
00:14:01,370 --> 00:14:03,150
Now,you see,they don't
say things like that.
303
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,770
They're very polite to each other.
304
00:14:04,780 --> 00:14:08,790
I suppose you think that
they're more nurturing than I am.
305
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,630
Mother,there are terrorist cells
that are more nurturing than you are.
306
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,500
Be careful. I'll cry.
307
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,670
You give me ten minutes
with the lemon family
308
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:23,250
and I'll have them tearing at each
other like drag queens at a wig sale.
309
00:14:24,540 --> 00:14:26,560
Mom,dad,this is jack's mom.
310
00:14:26,570 --> 00:14:29,300
We have heard such
great things about you.
311
00:14:29,310 --> 00:14:30,740
Have you?
312
00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:32,510
You must join us for dinner.
313
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,000
no,no,no! No,we can'T.
314
00:14:34,010 --> 00:14:35,120
We have plans.
315
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,760
Uh,had plans.
316
00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:40,340
An evening out with the lemons.
317
00:14:40,350 --> 00:14:42,500
Who could ask for anything more?
318
00:14:42,980 --> 00:14:44,000
great!
319
00:14:46,910 --> 00:14:48,680
Thank you,reverend gary.
320
00:14:48,690 --> 00:14:51,780
That was both entertaining
and educational.
321
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:54,610
Christmas has gone off
the rails around here.
322
00:14:54,620 --> 00:14:55,700
Look out there.
323
00:14:55,710 --> 00:14:57,820
That is not a christmas tree.
324
00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:02,000
It's a way to lure tourists into
the basement to buy $20 salads.
325
00:15:02,010 --> 00:15:05,360
We've lost track of what's important.
326
00:15:05,370 --> 00:15:07,120
So now we're gonna go around the circle,
327
00:15:07,130 --> 00:15:10,350
and every one of us is gonna
say what christmas means to them.
328
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,610
Let's start here.
329
00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:25,080
It's so hard to choose.
330
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:28,210
The photos of the food look so good.
331
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:32,300
I am gonna have the fried
onion tower for two for one.
332
00:15:32,660 --> 00:15:34,320
Good for you!
333
00:15:34,330 --> 00:15:36,490
You must be so proud of liz.
334
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:39,450
Making it on her own
so far away from home.
335
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,680
That gives us an excuse
to visit new york.
336
00:15:42,690 --> 00:15:44,010
I see.
337
00:15:44,430 --> 00:15:46,230
Any grandchildren?
338
00:15:47,860 --> 00:15:49,290
Oh,what a shame.
339
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:50,990
Must eat you up inside.
340
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,980
Oh,well,champy,our
spaniel,keeps us pretty busy.
341
00:15:55,990 --> 00:15:58,730
See,mother,not all
species eat their young.
342
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,490
Let's change the subject.
343
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:01,890
Politics.
344
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,020
We don't discuss that stuff.
345
00:16:06,030 --> 00:16:08,360
- Life is too short.
- really?
346
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,390
Life is too short?
347
00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:13,670
Because your life seems endless.
348
00:16:18,050 --> 00:16:19,920
thank you,reverend gary.
349
00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:23,920
It was to the tune of american
pie,but so much longer.
350
00:16:23,930 --> 00:16:27,750
Listen,we done learned our lesson
about the big tree or whatever.
351
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,530
This has got to stop now!
352
00:16:29,540 --> 00:16:32,310
Yeah,who care abobout the
true meaning of christmas?
353
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,740
It's about getting crap
and eating too much!
354
00:16:34,750 --> 00:16:35,460
Yeah!
355
00:16:35,470 --> 00:16:39,630
It's about getting drunk and hugging your
cousin until your mom says,"frank,enough."
356
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:40,500
That's right.
357
00:16:40,510 --> 00:16:45,960
Well,now seems like a good time for reverend gary to
show the video of his mission to guatemala last year.
358
00:16:45,970 --> 00:16:46,650
What?
359
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:49,470
Is this a culture where
toplessness is common?
360
00:16:52,530 --> 00:16:53,930
Pieces of wood!
361
00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:56,610
Just like I prayed for!
362
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:07,770
And here is what you did
with your christmas presents.
363
00:17:10,050 --> 00:17:11,910
We take so much for granted.
364
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:16,040
Instead of having a party,we should
donate the money to those kids.
365
00:17:16,050 --> 00:17:18,970
We should tell all our family and friends
we don't want any presents this year.
366
00:17:18,980 --> 00:17:19,750
yeah!
367
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:23,360
We should volunteer at a soup kitchen
instead of shopping for stuff no one needs!
368
00:17:23,370 --> 00:17:24,670
Yeah!
369
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,540
We should go downstairs
and chop down the big tree!
370
00:17:27,550 --> 00:17:29,020
yeah!
371
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,970
No! No,wait!
372
00:17:39,890 --> 00:17:41,580
No,no,no,no,no,no,no!
373
00:17:41,590 --> 00:17:43,400
your mother is killing me.
374
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,850
Have I ever kissed a
woman? What is that about?
375
00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:47,540
Welcome to my world,lemon.
376
00:17:47,550 --> 00:17:49,730
- She's trying to break your spirit.
- Why?
377
00:17:49,740 --> 00:17:52,220
Because she's trying to prove that
your family is as screwed up as mine is.
378
00:17:52,230 --> 00:17:53,970
Well,that's ridiculous.
379
00:17:54,330 --> 00:17:56,160
Oh,mitch found a newspaper.
380
00:17:56,170 --> 00:17:58,350
Mitch,that's a joke newspaper!
381
00:17:58,360 --> 00:17:59,230
What?
382
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,730
Why can't you just
leave well enough alone?
383
00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:07,130
Because the lemons are
not what they appear to be.
384
00:18:07,140 --> 00:18:11,440
I mean,I may be heavy furniture,but
I did a pretty good job raising you.
385
00:18:11,450 --> 00:18:13,690
I mean,look at you
today and look at them.
386
00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:14,870
They look happy.
387
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,360
They're in denial.
388
00:18:16,370 --> 00:18:18,380
I mean,come on!
389
00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:21,910
- Now,dick,let me
get-- - ah-ah,jack!
390
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:26,370
It's on me. Wouldn't be a
lemon party without old dick.
391
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,950
Easy on the fried food,honey.
392
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,700
Oh,come on,I can eat whatever
I want. I'm a teenager.
393
00:18:32,710 --> 00:18:38,050
Mitch,don't you ever get tired of liz getting
all the attention her being the baby and all?
394
00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:40,060
Oh,no,my folks make
a lot of time for me.
395
00:18:40,070 --> 00:18:42,890
I mean,just yesterday we
went to see goonies together--
396
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:47,280
You weren't supposed
to know that,liz,sorry.
397
00:18:47,290 --> 00:18:49,380
Wait,you saw goonies yesterday?
398
00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:51,900
Does he mean 1985 yesterday?
399
00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:57,140
Yeah,december 6,1985. I mean,what
else would I mean by yesterday?
400
00:18:57,150 --> 00:18:59,420
Well,that was the day
of my football game.
401
00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:01,870
Did you not go to my football game?
402
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,750
We were a little embarrassed,liz.
403
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:07,850
Dad,did
you--
404
00:19:07,860 --> 00:19:10,800
it's white haven football,for
god's sake,elizabeth.
405
00:19:10,810 --> 00:19:12,410
It means something.
406
00:19:12,420 --> 00:19:14,410
I wore that uniform.
407
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:16,410
I was taking a stand for women.
408
00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:19,800
Are you taking a stand now
by not giving us grandkids?
409
00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:23,300
Oh,you want grandchildren,margaret? Why
don't you ever bother mitch about that?
410
00:19:23,310 --> 00:19:25,260
Because he's 17!
411
00:19:25,270 --> 00:19:27,470
He's 40!
412
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:28,610
What?
413
00:19:30,730 --> 00:19:33,740
Oh,my god,the accident. I hit the tree.
414
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:35,030
no,don't remember.
415
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,930
Oh,I'm so old!
416
00:19:36,940 --> 00:19:39,180
Thank you,elizabeth lemon.
417
00:19:39,190 --> 00:19:41,510
You are so self-centered,young lady.
418
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,400
You didn't even offer
to pay for this dinner.
419
00:19:43,410 --> 00:19:45,680
I'm on a fixed income.
420
00:19:45,690 --> 00:19:47,620
Could I have another drink?
421
00:19:47,630 --> 00:19:49,060
Bingo.
422
00:19:52,170 --> 00:19:53,060
This is not what I meant!
423
00:19:53,070 --> 00:19:54,480
Yes,it is.
424
00:19:54,490 --> 00:19:59,370
We're sending a message to all of those who
have forgotten the scruples of christmas.
425
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:03,780
'Cause in order to stay
sane,you have to go crazy!
426
00:20:09,550 --> 00:20:11,950
I had a couple of drinks
before the meeting.
427
00:20:12,230 --> 00:20:14,360
Hold that,kenneth. This is a flask.
428
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,200
So y'all probably shouldn't
be listening to me.
429
00:20:26,140 --> 00:20:30,760
* have yourself a
merry little christmas *
430
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:35,690
* Make the yuletide gay *
431
00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:42,390
* from now on our troubles
will be miles away *
432
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:51,180
* here we are as in olden days...*
433
00:20:52,430 --> 00:20:54,800
do you know why i stay with you,dick?
434
00:20:54,810 --> 00:20:55,560
Yes,I do know.
435
00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:58,300
Because you have no income
of your own,that's why.
436
00:20:58,310 --> 00:21:00,700
I could've been
drinking these for years!
437
00:21:00,710 --> 00:21:05,030
Explain to me again how gay marriage
is gonna tear this country apart!
438
00:21:08,430 --> 00:21:09,830
Merry christmas,mother.
439
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:11,880
Merry christmas,jackie.
440
00:21:11,890 --> 00:21:13,860
tomorrow night I'm gonna
take you to a cathouse.
441
00:21:13,870 --> 00:21:14,740
I hate cats.
442
00:21:14,750 --> 00:21:16,220
you'll learn to love them.
443
00:21:16,580 --> 00:21:18,470
it was ridiculous to lie
to him that long anyway!
444
00:21:18,740 --> 00:21:20,140
my life is ruined!
445
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,074
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