All language subtitles for 30 Rock s02e06 11

are you makin' waffles?

No,quiet.

Somebody is,and the maple
syrup smells delicious.

jack russell terrier?

- no,I can't get a dog.
- you should.

A dog'll change your life.

Hey,I just wanted to make sure

you're practicing your rerun dance
for the what's happening sketch.

I'm trying,liz lemon,but
I can't concentrate.

Somebody on my block is making
waffles,and it's makin' me horny!

Wait,you smell maple syrup too?

You live all the way in jersey.

That's weird.

Hold on.

Hello?

- Do you smell maple syrup?
- Yes!

Don't panic,lemon. It's
probably not a chemical attack.

What do you mean "probably"?

It's probably just a strange wind pattern
coming off those factories in staten island,

where food flavors are made.

I don't think it's northrax.

What's northrax?

It's a chemical agent we sold
to the saudis in the 1980s.

It smells exactly like maple syrup.

But I don't think this is it.

Well,how do you know?

Because northrax kills
you within ten seconds.

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30
Rock Season02 Episode06

Make me look like this.

Right,like that's a stretch.

Hey,jack,thanks for
that call last night.

I get really nut burgers over
this homeland security stuff.

Always check with me first,lemon.

- I have nsa connections.
- Good.

Didn't you just get a
haircut two days ago?

I get my haircut every two days.

After all,your hair is your head suit.

I'm going to a party tonight
honoring robert novak.

It's being thrown by john
mccain and john bauer.

Um,I don't think he's real.

Oh,I assure you,lemon,john
mccain is very real.

I have to look perfect.

When it comes to hair,no one is
more bitchy than conservative males.

Good lord,donaghy.

Did you comb your hair
with a chicken bone?

They can be brutal.

Well,have fun.

Don't get peer pressured
into invading iran.

Oh,uh,before you go,I'd
like you to put this on.

Sheinhardt wig company? What's this?

A way to show support
for our parent company,

which is having a little
p.R.Hiccup right now.

NOT POISONING RIVERS SINCE 1997

All right. Thanks.

Picked up your tuxedo from
the cleaners,mr.Donaghy.

Just like you asked.

Thank you,kenneth.

Let me just take this plastic off.

'Cause I saw on martha stewart how
we're all doing everything wrong.

Where are the pants?

Sweet peaches! What have I done?

Somewhere along the way,they
must have slipped out the bottom.

It's all right,kenneth.
These things happen.

Uncle butch was right.

I'm just a stupid country bumpkin
with great skin and soft hands.

I'll just have jonathan
bring over another pair.

No,sir. This is my mistake.

I will replace your pants.

They cost $2,500.

I will find your pants!

All right! My prescription shampoo!

who is it?

Hi,I have your mail.
I live across the hall.

H-hi,I didn't even realize
anyone had moved in over here.

Welcome.

I'M...liz. What's your name?

Raheem.

Raheem. That's--
that's my mother's name.

No,it-- no,I'm
just kidding.

- Give me my package,please.
- okay.

Well,it was nice to meet...

coming up next,candace van der
shark,a lifetime intimate portrait.

Have you met the guy across the hall?

Raheem? Yeah,he's a good egg.

He's weird. He wouldn't shake my hand.

And I think it's because i'm a woman.

And get this--he's got
maps all over his walls.

- Maps.
- Maps?

You mean like that one?

That's different,that's--
that's an antique.

And I'm a white lady.

What are you saying there,liz?

Pete,you know me.

I never make assumptions about race.

Remember,I asked that black
guy if he had seen sideways?

But this guy...

I don't like him.

You're being paranoid.
Raheem is a really nice guy.

And he's always helping.

He rewired the toaster oven,and...

he showed me a back way to the airport.

Listen to yourself,pete.

I don't want to sound racist,but
that pita pocket might be a terrorist.

That sound racist?

this rich chestnut color is natural?

Excuse me.

Whiskey,straight up.

I'll have a white rum with diet
ginger ale and a splash of lime.

Wow,I never would have pegged you for
a university of tennessee sorority girl.

Well,you've got to pace
yourself with these things.

- We go all night.
- That's good advice.

Unfortunately,I promised bill
frist the next slow dance.

- I'm C.C.
- Jack.

Nice haircut.

Sir,here's your nancy drew.

For men,it's called a hardy boy.

Hey,kk,how's it hangin'?

Very low,sir. Very low.

I lost something real important.

You know what I do
when I lose something?

I yell real loud until I find it.

- So what is it that you lost?
- Pants.

Pants!Pants!Pants!Pants!Pants!Pants!

How 'bout the sean johns?

Were you chafing again,tray?

I don't think that's gonna
help me find mr.Donaghy's pants.

Well,did you retrace your steps?

Or go back to the drycleaners?

Yes,obvious twins.

And I tried looking in the
last place you'd ever expect.

And,no,mr.Donaghy's pants are not in the ladies'
room at that laser tag place on 12th avenue.

It's no use.

I'm just gonna have to replace 'em.

But where am i ever gonna get $2,500?

Well,why don't you just do like I do
and sell your autograph at the car show?

* What the world needs now is love *

* sweet love it's the only thing that *

* there's just too little of *

* what the world needs now *

What the what?

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING,SAY SOMETHING

IF YOU SUSPECT ANYTHING,DO EVERYTHING

WE DON'T POISON THE WORLD.TERRORISTS DO.

Thank you for an incredible night.

Really? Did you have a good time?

'Cause I really did.

Unbelievably good.

And thank you for letting me
try the thing I tried. I'M...

sorry I dropped you.

Oh,no,it was great.

I mean,who knew that
ottoman had wheels,right?

Well,I gotta get to work.

Uh,when can i see you again?

Anytime. You name it.

congressman cunningham,it is a
pleasure to have you on our program.

Hi,dan. Thank you for having me.

Celeste cunningham.

C.C.

You didn't tell me
you're a congresswoman!

I just ended my first year.

but also on some of your constituents.

"D"?

Vermont?

Big business is out to get us again.

The sheinhardt wig company has dumped

thousands of gallons of auburn fantasy
dye #260 into the chickotagua river,

turning the children
of chickotagua orange.

And I will not rest until this company

and all of its subsidiaries are
held financially responsible!

Why do you have this?

I run a sheinhardt wig
subsidiary called nbc.

Oh,my god.

You're jack donaghy?

What were you even doing
at that party last night?

Oh,my god. This was a mistake.

Forget about what I said. I can
never be seen with you again.

You're right.

We have to pretend that
this never happened.

Yeah,I have to get out of here.

Damn it,the worst part is...

I really liked you a lot.

I gave her the
ottoman,and she walked out.

Sir,I typed up that letter.

Hey,uh...

what do you need,lemon?

Nothing,I just,uh...

it can wait.

Lemon,there's nothing you could say to me
that you can't say in front of jonathan.

I think my middle eastern neighbor is
a terrorist,and I don't know what to do.

That's ridiculous,lemon.

Some of our greatest patriots have
been of middle eastern descent.

And I'm appalled to hear you engage
in racial profiling like that.

I'm kidding.

Be an
american--call it in.

This is the number of a friend of mine in a
very high-level position at homeland security.

Oh,no,not-- now
I don't know.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

If a bleeding heart liberal
like you has any suspicions...

I know,right?

Nice ring tone,jack.

That's not my ring tone.

I hate that san francisco sound.

How am I calling myself?

This isn't even my phone.

- Jack?
- C.C.?

I think I have your phone.

Yeah,you must have
grabbed it by accident.

After our night of doing it.

Take the freight elevator to the
sixth floor,and I'll be right down.

are you all right?

Well,last night I...

never mind.

These verizon wireless
phones are just so popular.

I accidentally grabbed one
belonging to an acquaintance.

Well,sure,'cause that verizon
wireless service is just unbeatable.

I mean,if I saw a phone like that on tv,

I would be like,"where is my
nearest retailer so I can...get one?"

Can we have our money now?

Come on... big money.

This ketchup expired two years ago.

Dude,how much would I have to
pay you to eat this whole bottle?

Honestly?

I got all the way to harlem when I
heard wagner coming from my phone.

Harlem?

I'm working out of the clinton
offices for a few weeks.

I'm helping hillary retool her
universal health care platform.

God,I wanna kiss you on the mouth to stop
you from saying such ridiculous things.

Here's your phone.

Obviously,we can never
be seen together again.

Obviously--I'm up for the
chairmanship,and I don't wanna risk that.

They give you a helicopter,you know.

What about me?

How can I look those little
orange children in the eye?

They have no other documented
health problems,you know.

They're orange!

This is why I got
into politics--

to stop big companies from
hurting the little guy.

What happened to you
that made you this way?

In 1998,I got shot in the
face by my neighbor's dog.

Oh,C.C.,I'm
so-- wait,what?

My neighbor had a riverton hunting
rifle with a faulty trigger safety.

One day,his jack russell
terrier started chewing the area,

the gun went off,and
shot me in the face.

No.

A terrier?

So I did what was right: I sued
riverton,my neighbor,and the dog.

C.C.,I'm so sorry.

Well,don't be.

After six reconstructive surgeries, I'm
much better-looking now than I used to be.

Plus,they made a
lifetime movie about me.

tonight on lifetime,candace van der
shark stars as celeste cunningham

A dog took my face and gave me a
better face to change the world:

The celeste cunningham story

You know,I thought you
made love like an ugly girl.

So present,so grateful.

Who's that?

Nobody.

Don't lie to me,jack.

I've had plenty of women
mad at me the morning after.

Just don't let her light your
sneakers on fire in the bathtub.

Oh,she would never do that,tracy.

She's a very special woman.

So then what's the problem?

Well,we're just on
opposite sides of a feud.

Oh,I get it: Romeo and juliet.

Capulets and romulans.

Mm-hmm,I've been there.

I'm black,she's white.

I'm black,she's light-skinned black.

I'm black,she's 17.

Hey,listen,if she's your
soul mate,you go for it.

Tracy,I don't believe in soul mates.

I worked too hard to get where I
am to sacrifice it for some woman.

I don't care if she
is beautiful,brilliant,

and she does it like
her dad's a minister.

Sir,that was impressive!

My feet are puffed up real bad.

Dude,let us give you the rest
of the money for donaghy's pants.

No,mr.Rossitano.

We parcells are neither wealthy
nor circumcised,but we are proud.

I have to earn that money.

All right,I got a job for you.

Every night after dinner,lutz falls
asleep on the couch in our office.

Can I help you?

Pete!Pete!

Pete!

Raheem!

Ready to go?

- You guys are going out?
- Yeah.

My buddy,raheem,invited me
out with him to celebrate.

He just completed some big
project he's been working on.

Soon everyone will know
the name raheem haddad.

Hi,I'm not
sure,but--

who is he,and where can we find him?

Hey,C.C.

We're having a barbecue
tonight. You're welcome to come.

Thanks. Maybe I will.

Get the gun away from the dog.

Hey,hon,have you seen my hunting rifle?

Last time I saw it... the dog had it.

What is wrong with you people?

I'm going to get into politics!

Got him!

Ape attack!

Ape attack.

Smarts!

Are you okay?

Okay,that went too far.

I still need $700.

What's next?

You know that old lady in accounting...

who thinks you're her
husband who died in the war?

What about her?

I do believe in destiny.

And I know that i should
hate you,but I can'T.

I love you.

And I don't care what people say.

We were meant to be
in each other's lives.

You're right,C.C.

Some dudes took raheem last night.

sounds like an american hero
saw something and said something.

Elizabeth lemon,I can't
believe you did that.

Raheem is a good guy!

You seem to be defending
raheem an awful lot.

I'd hate to have to
make another phone call.

No,we're cool.

Uh,I renounce raheem.

Raheem's a bad guy.

Usa number one!

Tracy,I need your help.

I've gotta go somewhere,and I can't
be seen,and cabs don't go there.

Sure,where is it?

Clinton's office in harlem.

I know where that building is.

I get my jamaican meat pies there.

Finally,my scalp rx.

I know you are in the media.Please
get this in the right hands.Raheem

Oh,my god.

I am raheem haddad.

And this is my brother hakim.

And these are the reasons you should choose us
to be the next contestants on the amazing race!

Amazing what?

THE AMAZING RACE****

We love to travel.

Look at all the places we have been:

Toronto,munich,london,the
hoover dam,the cleve.

Oh,boy.

we are in good shape for
the road blocks and detours.

Come on,go!

Oh,no,oh,no.

we love america!

Oh,no.

Oh,no.

jonathan...

I purchased a replacement
pair of mr.Donaghy's pants.

You must love him as much as I do.

C.C.,Look out the
window onto 125th street.

You shouldn't be here.

I know I shouldn'T. I can't help myself.

I wanna be with you!

Tell her you want your privates
and her privates to do a high-five.

Okay,tray,I got this.

Jack,we hardly know each other.

This could be career suicide
for both of us,and you know it!

I don't care anymore.

I saw your movie-- what you said
to that dog about soul mates.

I think I might be the dog.

Tell her her butt look like a
apple and you wanna take a bite.

Buzz me in,okay?

Tell her she got some tig ol' biddies
like the dallas cowboy cheerleaders.

Tell her you want her to donate
her body to science,and you science.

Tell her,jack!

I've been going crazy these last few
days,thinking about our night together.

How you wanted to brush
my hair as foreplay.

How you made me that
western omelet at 4:00 A.M.

I never met anyone like you,jack.

Be with me,C.C.

We'll ignore our differences till
the sex goes bad,then we'll...

walk away bitter and angry.

Nobody can know we're together.

Not even your friend
tracy jordan out there.

I don't think you have
to worry about tracy.

Stop eatin' people's old french
fries,pigeon. Have some self-respect.

Don't you know you can fly?

I don'T...

I've never had a secret affair before.

What do you say we go find
a spot and defile this place?

Raheem. Hey,buddy!

Where ya been all week?

They put electrodes on my testicles,liz.

Who did?

Oh,you... remembered my name.

America's government shocked my nuts.

No,I'm pretty sure they're not
allowed to do that type of thing.

They say,"raheem...why
you no shake hands?"

I say,"because I don't want
sickness before amazing race."

They say,"raheem,why all
the trips to the airport?"

I say,"because I'm practicing
for the amazing race!"

And then,"zzt!Zzt!" In my underpanties!

Do you have any idea
who... turned you in?

No...

but I am just so angry now.

I have so much anger inside.

I want to do something
spectacular with it.

Northrax.

Hey! I made waffles.

- thank god.
- Yeah.

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