All language subtitles for 18. The Mad Mad Tea Party Affair [no italics]

[KIDS CLAMORING]

Hey, Bill.

Hello, you're just in time.

I'm in need of a ground crew.
Would you like to volunteer?

- Sure.
- All right. Each of you hold a wing tip.

Now, on the count of three, let go.

Are you ready?

One, two, three, go.

Hey, aren't you gonna turn it around
pretty soon? You could lose it.

Well, as a matter of fact,
it's not supposed to come back.

It's what you might call
a suicide mission.

[WHISTLING]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[BEEP]

It's the radar room. Come on.

[RADAR BLEEPING]

It locked onto us almost a minute ago.

- Collision course with the top floor of this--
- Minute ago?

That means
it must be moving very slowly.

Very. I've never seen anything quite like it
on radar.

See if our roof camera
can give us a visual fix.

Let's try some magnification.

It's only a toy.

Maybe.

Five hundred yards and closing.

That can't represent a threat.
It's not big enough.

They make a nuclear warhead
the size of a flashlight. It's big enough.

WOMAN:
Four hundred yards and closing.

I think it's time to take in
the welcome mat, Illya.

The laser beam?

Yeah. Set it for 250 yards, destruct.

- Set for 250.
WOMAN: Three hundred yards and closing.

Two-seven-five.

Two-six-five.

Two-five-five.

And bingo.

Malfunction. Hit the second beam.

Two hundred yards and closing.

We can't stop it.

Take cover.
Headquarters is under attack.

SOLO [ON PA]: You have 20 seconds. Take
cover. The blast will come from above.

Take cover.

WOMAN:
One hundred yards minus.

[RADAR BLEEPING]

I think you can leave the rest
to our imaginations.

Dud?

[MOTOR SPUTTERING]

"Boom. You're dead."

Incredible. Absolutely incredible.

Yes, sir. That's what we thought.

The delivery system.

Has it been examined yet for clues...

...as to who assembled it?

No. Riley, our detection expert,
hasn't checked in this morning.

When he does arrive, inform him that he's
to work directly with you and Mr. Kuryakin.

We must make absolutely certain that
no such breach of security occurs again.

Especially not today.

The meeting?

The so-called "Closet Summit" begins in our
conference suite in less than eight hours.

We better put the entire building
under yellow alert for the rest of the day.

We wouldn't want anymore
embarrassing little lapses.

Particularly when we're playing host
to the world's top leaders.

It's vital that we know
how the attacker did what he did.

Therefore, should he strike again
you must take him alive and unharmed.

That is mandatory.

Well, you mean,
don't shoot unless he shoots first?

I mean, Mr. Solo, don't shoot at all.

Riley is usually most punctual.

Seems to me he said something about
a doctor's appointment. He'll be along.

Riley.

I was just checking this out for you.

Thrush is issuing a few of these
to our more important agents.

Well, it's nice to know
that I'm considered to be one of the elite.

What is it?

It's an ordinary fountain pen...

...until you twist this to the right
then to the left.

Press that lever.

It's armed.

This weapon transmits an ultra-sonic
concussion of tremendous force.

You press it against the head of your--

[BANG]

The brain, in effect, is homogenized.

Death is instantaneous, of course.

Oh, you needn't worry.
It's completely harmless.

Until you cock it again.

Any particular reason
that I'm getting this today?

Yes. The meeting.

We believe it will take place this evening
at the headquarters of the U.N.C.L.E.

I've been waiting a long time for this.

All of Thrush has been waiting.

Now, once and for all...

...U.N.C.L.E.
will be completely discredited.

With some of the world's most important
people being blown to bits...

...under U.N.C.L.E.'s very own roof...

..."discredited" would hardly cover it.

Now let's recap. Go through the plan
with me once more.

- But it's such an absurdly simple--
- Please.

Indulge me.

I enjoy hearing
my own brilliance confirmed.

All right.

The operation began months ago
when I discovered...

...that the conference suite at U.N.C.L.E.
was to be redecorated.

We located--

You located the furniture manufacturer who
was custom building the conference table...

...and managed to plant an explosive
in the table just before it was delivered.

On the table.

The entire tabletop
is a layer of plastic explosive...

...about a half an inch thick.

Enough to demolish
the entire floor of the building.

Right.

Now, this particular plastic
requires an explosion to detonate it.

And as a trigger, we devised an ashtray.

An ashtray made from a different type
of plastic explosive.

One that is detonated by heat alone.

- The heat from a lighted cigarette.
- Excellent.

Excellent, that's the beauty part.

That table has been sitting there,
absolutely harmless...

...just waiting for the trigger device.

And this afternoon, I'll put
the lethal ashtray on the conference table.

There are bound to be smokers
at the meeting.

And exactly 15 seconds after it has been
touched by a hot cigarette...

...the ashtray goes "bang."

And the table goes "boom."

And we write off U.N.C.L.E.
as a world power.

Now for your final instructions...

...we're abandoning this cover
as of today.

You will use one of the prearranged
escape routes.

You mean...

...I won't be seeing you again?

Well, if you do, you won't recognize me.

Don't worry, someone
will be contacting you along the way.

Hard to believe that I won't recognize you
next time around.

Oh, you can believe it, Mr. Riley.

Best of luck.

Thank you, doctor.

But I won't need any luck.

Nothing has been overlooked
in this plan of yours.

Lots of mustard, please.

But we can't change the date now.

All the announcements
have been mailed and everything.

I'm not saying
we should change the date.

I just said I have to take my vacation
when they tell me to.

Charlie Andrews decides he wants
to take the next two weeks.

But doesn't he know we're getting
married tomorrow?

Of course he does, but he's got this chance
to go bone fishing in Florida.

And he does have seniority.

Walter, everybody
in the world has seniority...

...when you let them push you around
the way you do.

- I gotta get back to the office.
KAY: Ah!

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Oh, gosh.

Look at me. I'm all over with mustard.

That is a mess.
You better not go back to the store.

There's a cleaning store right here.

I'm sure they can make the necessary
repairs and, of course, I insist on paying.

Now, look, it was an accident.

Will you please stop acting
like a teddy bear?

- It wasn't his fault.
- I won't have it any other way.

I'm know they can take care of you
very quickly. There you go.

- Kay?
- Oh, that's all right, Walter.

You going back to the office.

- Call me when you get back to store.
- Okay.

Hey, wait a minute. How do I know
you're not a kidnapper or something?

Really, miss,
do I look that untrustworthy?

No, you look absolutely harmless.
That's the story of my life.

- Hello.
- Bit of an accident. Mustard.

You can slip out of your dress
right in here, my dear, that's it.

Hey, wait a minute.

You said something?

Nothing, nothing. Let's get on with it
before she catches cold.

Say, you wouldn't happen to be one
of those crazy guys from the TV shows?

Silly question.

Nothing exciting ever happens to me.

Maybe you don't know
when you're well off.

Oh, I know.

It's just that when you've had
a very nice, dull, safe upbringing...

...and you're gonna marry
a very nice, dull, safe, guy...

...well, you can't help wishing
something exciting would happen.

You know what I mean?

Oddly enough,
I do know what you mean.

And furthermore, I agree.

I agree most heartily.

Ah!

Ah!

- Hey.
- Uh-uh.

Flat on the floor.

Face down, if you please.

That's a good boy.

[LAUGHING]

Surprise, surprise.

Now, if we can just understand...

...how you came through the booth
in the cleaning shop.

Well, I keep telling you,
I really don't know.

I was just leaning against the wall
one minute and "wham"...

...I was right down the rabbit hole
or through the looking glass.

You don't think I really wanted to do this,
do you?

We don't know.
We are checking your identification now.

Well, while you're checking, would
you mind giving me back my clothes...

...so I can go back to work?

I'm afraid we're going to have
to keep you a little longer.

Can't one of the girls loan her an outfit?

Look, I'm getting married tomorrow...

...and I have to replace the new girl
at the store to replace me...

...while I'm on my honeymoon.

Look, it's really terribly important
that I go.

I don't know who you are.

[CRYING]

I don't know where I am.

Please, I'll be so happy to forget this
madhouse...

...this chrome and gunmetal madhouse.

Please, please, could I go?

I'm sorry.

Not now, it just not possible, not until
we know a little more about you.

Here now. Put these on and try and relax.

And I'll look in on you again
in a few minutes.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

I ran a check on the girl's identification.
No holes in the story so far.

Which may only mean
she has a good cover.

Guess we'll have to try
the Jekyll-Hyde routine.

She's an attractive girl.
Why don't I be her friend this time.

- You haven't played villain for a long time.
- Because you do it much better than I do.

The penalty of playing my part successfully.
Now I'm typecast?

- That's right.
- I'd better go and snarl at her.

You will come to my rescue soon,
won't you?

I'm always afraid I might get carried away
with the role.

- Oh, Hi.
- Hi.

Whoever put this together did it with stuff
you can get at any stocked hobby shop.

- I think it's just some sort of elaborate joke.
- Oh, really.

Well, this elaborate joke managed to get
through our laser defense system.

Now, that took some doing.

Well, I'll look at the roof installation
when I've finished here.

See if there was any sign of sabotage.

Sorry I missed all the excitement
this morning.

Looks like I picked the wrong day
to get a checkup.

- No problem. You healthy?
- Oh, sure, healthy as a horse.

- Okay, stay that way. I'll see you later.
- Yeah.

Urgent, urgent, Dr. Egret.

EGRET [ON RADIO]:
Egret here.

Have you started another attack?

Is there someone else
operating independent of me?

Negative. You are the whole show.

No. I am not.

Something is going on over here.
Someone's got the whole place stirred up.

An alert has been posted
until after the meeting.

Any actual interference
with your mission?

Negative, not yet.

Still, this could be very bad for us.

If you should intercept this free agent,
eliminate him.

You're lying. I know you're lying
and I'm sick to death of your lies.

All right, I'll give you a few minutes
that's all I can allow you.

Then we'll get the truth out of you
with...

...or without your cooperation.

- My turn?
- Your turn.

If she's an agent, she's quite a good one.

I beg your pardon.

I seem to be a bit turned around.
Which way is the elevator?

You are turned around, sir.
It's back that way.

Oh, thank you so much.

The more I shout at her, the more I feel
she's exactly what she claims to be.

- What's the matter?
- I don't think that man was wearing badge.

Ridiculous. Every alarm would--

No, he wasn't wearing a badge.
Hey, mister!

[ALARM BEEPING]

[WHISTLING]

- That man, where'd he go?
- Into the elevator.

The elevator's operating?

Well, gentlemen,
shall we take the stairs?

[WHISTLING]

And the alarm system did a complete
about face from its normal operation.

The intruder, without a badge,
was able to walk through...

...completely undetected
by electronic sensors.

But when we went after him, wearing
badges, every alarm in the place goes off.

Yes, I'm well aware
that the alarm system was triggered.

I was trapped for 45 minutes
in the men's room without my pipe.

The elevator, which is programmed
to stop dead during a security alert...

...was functioning beautifully.
When we finally caught up with it...

- ...the man seemed to have gone up in smoke.
- As well, we all may...

...if our security system continues
cooperating with the wrong people.

Yes, that brings me
to an urgent recommendation.

- Yes?
- I think the meeting should be postponed.

Or another place should be found
outside U.N.C.L.E. headquarters, right?

Right.

It's too late
for any such change in plans.

Well, headquarters should be inspected inch
by inch, particularly the conference suite.

Our visitor could have been anywhere
in this building.

WAVERLY:
I agree to that. Mr. Riley.

You and your people had better
attend to the conference suite itself.

Yes, sir, I'll get right on it.

Mr. Solo, what about that other matter,
the young lady?

Well, as of now we are convinced
that the girl is 99 percent harmless.

Ninety-nine percent won't do.
That one percent of uncertainty can kill you.

Well, you seem to have got
your work cut out for yourselves.

I'd better see to that inspection
of the building you suggested.

All right and I'll dispose of the
last one percent of doubt about the girl.

Why, he was the most terrible man
I ever met.

And the way he talked to me,
like I was a criminal.

Oh, it's a streak of sadism. Illya has
always been a little unstable, you see.

Don't worry, though.
I won't let him hurt you.

Oh, don't you let him come near me.

I don't know what I would do
if I ever saw him again.

Who are you?

What right do you have
to snatch people off the streets...

...practically...

...and lock them up here like this?

Well, I can't really do much explaining, you
see, but there are good reasons for all this.

Very important reasons also.

And because of them,
you're just going to have to wait here...

...until we find out positively
that you are exactly what you say you are.

What?

You mean,
I might even miss my own wedding?

Why, that's...

...terrible.

[LAUGHS]

Do you know
what I just almost said?

I almost said, "That's wonderful."

[LAUGHING]

Why would I say a thing like that?

How could I even be happy
about missing my own wedding?

[CRYING]

Oh, maybe it just a case
of last-minute nerves, I think.

I don't know what to think.

Oh, many people get that way,
just before getting married.

I've been told.

I'm so darned mixed up.

[HICCUPS]

[HICCUPS]

I've got the hiccups.

Is there something I can do for you?

Oh, it's nothing. I always get the hiccups
when I cry.

- Could you get me a glass of water, please?
- Coming right up.

[HICCUPPS]

You're hungry.
I'll get you something to eat.

Thank you. Ah!

[KAY WHIMPERING]

"Something to eat," he says.

You discovered them, I see.

They're coming out of every tap
in the building.

I found this taped to a pipe
in the basement.

Just read it to me.
Is it like the one in the plane?

Instead of "Boom. You're dead"...

...this one says, "Ecch, you're poisoned."

"Ecch"?

We're not, of course.
They're perfectly harmless.

I believe they called them "guppies."

[LAUGHING]

I know where I am.

I was right the first time.

I did fall down a rabbit hole.

And this is a mad, mad tea party.

We found where he intercepted
the water system.

It's underground, about a block away.

Fortunately he sent us fish
and not strychnine...

...since we were powerless...

...to defend ourselves against anything
in our water supply.

Well, that's being attended to.
A filtration system.

What about the girl?
Is she over her hysteria?

Oh, Illya's with her now.
Since he dropped his Rasputin act...

...they're getting along much better now.

You haven't been able to find out how
the man managed to get in the building?

Well, if he pays us a return visit,
we'll be ready for him.

I've shut down the alarm system.

Now, he made it work for him.
Let see how he gets along without it.

Anything yet, Mr. Riley?

No, sir. The adjoining rooms are all clean.
We've just begun in here.

Something like two hours more
before our guests begin arriving.

You still intend to go on with it?

WAVERLY: I've told you,
it's too late to change plans now.

Might assuage
some of Mr. Solo's concern, Mr. Riley...

...if you were to seal
the entrances to this suite...

...when you've completed
your examination.

Yes sir, I'll do that.

Is there anything I can do
to help in here?

No, no, everything is under control.

Well, I'm glad someone can say that.

WOMAN [ON PA]: Mr. Solo, come to
the security entrance, please. Mr. Solo.

Let me know when you finish up
in here.

All right.

You find something?

Well, I'm not certain,
but I wanna run a test on this.

Looks like a standard
composition material to me.

It looks like it,
but it doesn't smell like it.

- I'll come along with you, maybe I can help.
- Fine.

He came in about five minutes ago.

Mr. Del Floria told him
Miss Baker went back to work...

...but he isn't buying any.

Evidently not.
Let's see what Del Floria thinks.

[PHONE RINGING]

Del Floria cleaners.

SOLO: What do you think,
is your friend going to be back?

You can make book on it.

Don't let it get out of hand,
if it looks like he's going to make waves...

...let's invite him in out of the weather.

By the way it's going, we could have
half of Manhattan in hereby nightfall.

I've always been partial to
a well-put-together infernal machine myself.

But plastics have a fascination too.

This has a smell a little like what they're
using now as a solid propellant for rockets.

Give it a heat test first.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

What else you gonna try?

Oh, you know,
heat, impact, electric shock, explosion.

[BANG]

[MACHINE STOPS]

[WHISTLING]

Still haven't mastered the staircase
in the dark?

You must have bat blood in you to find your
way up through that cave every morning.

The practice of years, that's all it takes.

Well, time to have another go at them.
Everything all right so far?

- Yes. It's actually going quite well.
- Good.

[WHISTLING]

Would you tell Mr. Ledbetter, please,
that his fianc�e called?

Thank you. There was a very
sudden illness in the family.

A dear uncle.

And tell him, please, that I will meet him
at City Hall tomorrow...

...for the wedding.

Thank you.

What's the matter?

[KAY SIGHS]

Am I gonna be able
to get married tomorrow?

You still don't know
whether you're gonna let me go?

We'll know soon enough.
We're running a security check on you.

We'll know your life history...

...from the day you were born
right up until this morning.

Big deal.

You could engrave the whole thing
on the head of a pin...

...and still have room left over
for the Gettysburg Address.

Listen, there's a lot to be said
for the quiet life, don't knock it.

That's what everybody says.

You know something?

In spite of being scared to death by
everything that happened to me here...

...I really enjoyed it all.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's true.

This is a day I'll always remember.

I should say
that's a pretty accurate description.

I should say this is a day
when one will very much never forget.

No matter how hard we try.

Huh?

I'll be along in a minute.

Solo and Kuryakin are coming by
for a last look before we lock it up.

- The place is completely clean?
- Completely.

Once they sit down at this table,
there won't be a thing to worry about.

Uh-uh. Wouldn't want the leaders
of the world...

...to be presented with a dirty ashtray,
would we?

You're quite right.

If we can't impress them with our security,
we can at least show them that we're neat.

What happened?

I don't know.

It felt like electricity.

[GRUNTS]

ILLYA:
I felt it too.

It's an electric charge running
through the metal walls and flooring.

The fuses, come on.

- Gentlemen, I wish to surrender.
- I don't think you have choice in the matter.

No, no, you see,
I've just found something...

...in there.

And in view of today's unusually
important security requirements...

...I thought it might be useful
to provide a little outside stimulation...

...in the person of Mr. Hemingway here.

You see, I was simply meant to be a sort of
gadfly just to sting you into awareness.

I thought
it might be something like that.

When you insisted the meeting go on...

...I presumed that you knew
more about the attacks than the rest of us...

- ...and that they'd continue to be harmless.
- Quite right.

Except that now they appear
not to be harmless.

A man is dead.

You surely don't think I--

Are you quite certain that Mr. Hemingway
is entirely trustworthy?

Entirely.

Among other things,
he happens to be my brother-in-law.

He's also a professor of logic at YIT.

No, we shall have to look elsewhere
for the killer of Agent Morgan.

And we better begin looking instantly.

Morgan was a member of Mr. Riley's
bomb-detection crew, isn't that so?

Yes, and he was last seen alive
in the conference suite.

So it may be that Morgan
found something...

...and his killer acted
to prevent his giving the alarm.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Yes?
WOMAN: First group of guests has arrived.

Very well.
Show them into the reception room.

Under no circumstances
are they to go near the conference suite...

...until I pass the word.

Point of no return, huh?

I shall have to receive them, of course.

I'm afraid you two
will have to carry on.

Gentlemen, if I wouldn't be in the way,
may I join you?

Yes, of course, it'd be nice to know
where you are for a change.

And whose side you're on.

- Thanks for sending out for this.
- The least we could do.

I hope it hasn't been
too unpleasant for you.

Well, I can't complain about
a completely dull existence anymore.

- You're gonna turn me loose?
- Afraid not, it's a new ball game.

One of our agents has been murdered.

His body was found down the corridor
a few doors from the interrogation room.

You don't think I had to do with it
because I was alone in there--?

We don't think anything,
but we can't take chances...

...even with a girl whose whole life
can be engraved on the head of a pin.

Gentlemen, Miss Lorrison,
please be seated.

I think you all may be wondering
why you're here tonight.

Of course, one of you
doesn't have to guess.

That one already knows.

Morgan was murdered.
As to how, we don't know...

...except that, evidently, some kind of
exotic device was used...

...because his brain was destroyed.

What about him?

Finding him and Morgan's body together.
Doesn't that mean something?

Now, really.

Waverly vouched for him.
Besides that...

...Mr. Hemingway is the only one among us
tonight that is here voluntarily.

Sure, he volunteered.

How else was he gonna get in here?

Because he wanted to help.
Whether he stays or not is up to him.

However,
the rest of you have no choice.

You are all going to remain here
this evening...

...until we find out
why Morgan was murdered.

As I understand it, the dead man
had been searching this room, huh?

That's right. That gives us a hint.

Apparently, Morgan found something
and the murderer acted to silence him.

Well, then surely it's fairly logical...

...that as Mr. Morgan
was a bomb detective expert...

...he very possibly detected a bomb.

Right here in this room.

A bomb that was intended to blow up
this evening's meeting.

And so gentlemen...

...and Miss Lorrison...

...here we all sit, everyone's suspect...

...waiting for a confession.

Or for an explosion.

You mean we're just gonna sit here.

- That's the agenda.
- Well, I think it stinks.

Ah!

[EXPLOSION]

[ALARM SOUNDS]

Take care of him.

ILLYA: Stairs.
- Wait, I can stop him.

Electronic scrambler reverses the function
of all automatic circuitry systems.

That what you used to foul up
our alarm?

Right. I've stopped the elevator
and he's trapped between floors.

I'll open the door for you.

I suppose
we could wait for reinforcements.

Oh, we could. But after seeing
what he just did with the ashtray...

...I don't wanna wait a second
longer than is necessary.

All right. Ready when you are, IK.

[BANG]

[BANG]

What was that sound?

The fountain pen?

Yeah, it looks like
permanent writer's cramp.

[CHATTERING]

The conference room is ready?

Yes, the damage has been screened off
and the table replaced.

Excellent. A near miss for Thrush,
but a miss, nonetheless.

I think I'll be going
if you've nothing more for me.

If you wish.

I'm sure these young men here...

...will regret not being able
to go on matching wits with you...

...but they'll bear up.

I'm sure we will.

ILLYA:
One thing still puzzles me.

The malfunction of the laser gun
during the airplane attack.

Just how did you manage that?

- Well, I--
- I'm afraid I'm responsible for that.

You see, I had to have a valid excuse
for ordering you...

...not to use violence
on our friend here.

My wife would never forgive me
if I somehow damaged her brother.

As for the rest of it, well, you know, any
student of logic could have done the same.

Even this electronic scrambler.
Simply a variation on the same mechanism...

...used to change television receiver
channels by remote control.

You see, you've been prepared here
for almost every form of exotic attack...

...but you've been absolutely wide open
for anything mundane.

Yes, it does shake one up a bit...

...to realize we've been at the mercy
of the utility companies all this time.

- Do you know who's in there?
- Well, I have a pretty good idea.

And they talked to me.

Why not.

Oh, if you'll excuse me,
I must tell them to begin the conference.

Oh, I think the young lady
can be released now.

Obviously, the danger is passed.

Come on.

So you don't suppose--? Do you think
that I might--? I might have a job in there?

What, in this chrome and gunmetal
madhouse? Isn't that what you called it?

But that was before I knew.

Besides, after a day like today...

...how could I go back to a teddy bear
like Walter?

WALTER [ON MONITOR]:
Let me go. Hold it.

SOLO: Looks like your boyfriend
has come back to find you this time.

Your teddy bear has turned
into a wild grizzly.

I would say that he put up quite a fight
trying to find you.

Hey, let me out of here
before they drag him off to the pokey.

KAY:
How about that.

Right back through the looking glass.

Thank you.

Do you think she'll tell him what happened?
Where she was and who she saw?

I'd bet on it.

I'd also bet
that he won't believe a word of it.

Would you?

[ENGLISH SDH]