All language subtitles for 16. The Fiddlesticks Affair [no italics]

SOLO:
Look out. Photoelectric alarm.

Use the bypass beam.

[ALARM RINGING]

Bang. You're dead.

Bang to you too.

You're not only both dead...

...but you're both dead
with Mr. Waverly's blessings.

He's been watching you guys
and, uh, he's not exactly happy.

We're not exactly happy either.
We got 45 minutes to get to the plane.

What triggered the alarm?

The sound of your big, fat knee
on the pressurized flooring.

It's a noise-level alarm.

Decibel counter?

Oh.

Well, having been successfully captured
and killed on our own dress rehearsal...

...heaven knows the depths
that we shall sink to on the real job.

We must think positively, Illya.

When we have the diagrams on the plane
of the Thrush vault in front of us...

...we've got four hours flying time,
we can do our homework.

We should be able to evolve
a masterful and foolproof plan.

Into the valley of Thrush rode the 600.

[SOLO SIGHS]

There's an old, abandoned drainpipe...

...that leads from the ocean
to the wall of the vault.

But it's mined.

Well, we can use a detector
to get through the minefield...

...but they'll all blow up
if we cut through the wall.

The mines have to be turned off
from inside the vault.

So we'll have to go in to the vault
the way he goes in.

That's Anton Korbel.

Manager of the casino
and an officer in, um...

...Thrush.

So to follow the path of Mr. Korbel,
we have to recruit some expert help...

...there on the Emerald Isle
when we arrive.

Firstly, we shall need a woman.

Well, I tell you,
I'll, uh, improvise something.

My assignment.
Senior officer by two years.

Leaving me to recruit
an electronic expert...

...who can ferret out the alarm
and guard systems.

What's the name of that thief who
operates in this part of the Caribbean?

Marcel Rudolph.
A wizard taking out alarm systems.

ILLYA: And a thoroughly reprehensible
and untrustworthy character.

However, Rudolph is mine.

So to our mission.

May we successfully proceed
to the vault...

...beneath the gambling casino....

...where Thrush keeps its entire treasury
for Western Hemisphere operations.

Where we decimate Thrush's ability
to continue operations...

... by destroying the $55 million
in their vault.

And may we live...

...to tell the tale.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING
IN DISTANCE]

Jurgensen, 628.

Yes, Mr. Jurgensen.

- There you are, sir.
- Hm. Thank you.

Oh.

- Young man.
- Yes, sir?

Here is my sample case.
It contains very important samples.

You have a vault, do you not,
where you keep your, uh, ill-gotten gains?

CLERK: We'll tuck it away
in our office safe for you, sir.

Office safe? Ha-ha-ha.

My dear young man.

This case contains some of the finest
jewelry in the Netherlands.

- Netherlands?
CLERK: Netherlands, sir.

Absolutely.

It's far too valuable to be tucked away
in some office piggy bank.

- I assure you, sir, it's a very--
- Assure me no assurances, young man.

If you like, my property can remain
at my side.

I'm going back into the casino
for a while.

Please have some refreshment
sent up to my room.

Yes, sir. What kind would you like, sir?

[EXHALES]

Yes, sir.

[ILLYA CHUCKLES]

Hello, lovely lady.

It's nifty making new friends
in strange places, don't you think?

Ahem. With your permission, miss,
I think it would be rather nifty...

...if you took your evening
and your health...

...and your breath, particularly,
elsewhere.

- I beg your pardon.
- Mm-hm. Dismissed.

It's been nifty.

I'm sorry, I guess my intrusion
was no less abrupt than his but--

Oh, goodness, not at all.

I mean, well, thank you very much.

Oh. Would you care to sit down?

Yeah, I'd care to actually.

I feel rather like the U.S. Cavalry,
you know, quite heroic.

I must say,
you certainly arrived on time.

Never in the history of the American drama
has the U.S. Calvary been late.

- Would you like a drink, please?
- Oh. A Scotch, please.

- And--?
- A cola.

A Scotch and cola, please.
And a Gibson, very dry.

A Scotch and cola,
that's wrong, isn't it?

Well, it's not wrong. It's just--

I did it again.

Boy, there sure are a lot of drawbacks
to being properly brought up.

Your parents are with you?

They are not.
They're back in Minneapolis.

Worrying.

And well they might.

Do you know
that never once in my life...

...have I made even one horrible,
unforgivable mistake?

And I'm here to rectify that.

A little.

Go on. I'm fascinated.

Oh, fiddlesticks.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[LOCK CLICKING]

Hi, there.

[RUDOLPH GRUNTS]

- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
- I am.

You looked easy down in the lobby.

I wonder how you'll look
in my photograph.

- Recognizable, I'm sure.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I'm sure.

Look here.

I realize that I find myself
in a somewhat awkward position.

- Somewhat.
- I certainly hope you don't think--

I certainly do.

You're a thief.

But on my honor. Ha-ha-ha.

Were you truly a gentleman,
Mr. Rudolph...

...as I once was...

...you'd realize that no man calls upon
his honor so much as he who lacks it.

Rudolph.

How do you know that name?
What is this?

You're a three-time loser, Mr. Rudolph,
and you're also on parole.

The slightest hint of trouble
and, uh, pity.

This attempted burglary
would do nicely.

[RUDOLPH CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- You set me up, didn't you?
- Yes, quite well, I think.

What do you want with me?

Your knowledge
of electronic warning devices.

The kind that protect vaults...

...like beneath a gambling casino,
for example.

You're joking.

You are not thinking of knocking
over this place?

Well, we now have
a new technical assistant.

Rudolph? Good, good, good.

Now, just across the inlet there
is the drainage opening.

Have a look at it tomorrow.

Lipstick.

There's no need to ask
how you fared with the young lady.

Especially after that nauseating
performance of mine.

Ah, now, bitterness is a terrible thing,
Illya.

After all, you did make rather a bad
impression on Susan, you know.

Susan is a nice name.

That's so terribly crude of you, Illya.

I mean, drinking
and carrying on like that.

I was actually
rather embarrassed for you.

Well, I trust the young lady was suitably
captivated by her noble rescuer.

Well, the only thing I can say
is that by tomorrow afternoon...

...a very nice young girl from Minneapolis
will probably have joined forces...

...and lent her charming services
to a nasty gang of safecrackers.

You're so dashing.

You've been waving yourself around
in front of me like a flag for weeks now.

For the last time, I'm telling you...

...the only thrush I ever heard
of is the one that sings in a tree.

You wanna join a thrush?

Go sit in a tree and wait.

Because I don't know
what you're talking about.

Too bad.

Well.

I won't starve, anyway.

Just found out
I have a very rich uncle.

- What?
- Oh, yes, indeed.

And he's going to be even richer
very soon.

- At your expense, I might add.
- Talk.

They want me to help them
rob your vault.

How many of them?

I've only met one.
The young blond fellow in room 628.

He's not the leader, though.

Killing one wouldn't get rid
of the rest of them.

We've got to know the identities
of all of them.

Especially the leader.

They want you to join them?

Do so.

I fully intended to.

Since they're the only fraternity
around here that seemed to value me.

Don't be a fool, Rudolph.

We're not used to having fools.

In Thrush.

False pretenses, that's all you are.
False pretenses.

SOLO:
No, Susan. Now, listen.

The work we're doing is important,
and I do need you.

But believe me, I wouldn't trick you
into anything.

That's not what I meant.
I've always had this great vision...

...about slithering through
an intimate rendezvous...

...in some Caribbean isle.

Well, here I came. Here you were.
But you don't want me to slither.

- You want me to rob a bank.
- But I told you whose bank and why.

I know, I know, I know.
But, well, I always want to be this...

...femme fatale from Minneapolis.

Scotch and cola, that's me.

Well....

It, uh, better not be.

Susan, I don't need a mama's girl
from Minneapolis.

I need a vibrant, vital, exciting,
vivacious woman...

...who can pull off a very difficult
and possibly dangerous caper.

Oh, fiddlesticks.

You do?

Well, now, that's different.

What's first?

First, you're going to win a mountain
of money at the dice tables tonight.

Oh, sure.

And when you do,
you're going to take this...

...specially treated hundred-dollar bill
and put it in with the money you won.

- What for?
- Well, uh, because the treatment on it...

...reacts to vibrations
of certain metals, you see...

...and has a curious effect
on this little dial here.

- That's after I win a bucket of money?
- That's right.

Now, there's nothing to that.

You just put a little bit
of this substance here...

...into your hand like this...

...and then you roll the dice around
in your hand.

- Go ahead. Roll them around.
- Like this?

Now, the electro-centered particles...

...will have a homing in effect on
this little watch here, you see...

...like that, which I can set
for any number I want.

Okay, now, I want you to roll an 11
for me.

You don't believe me. Go ahead.

Come on, 11.

[SUSAN LAUGHING]

CROUPIER:
Pay the line, pay the field.

Fifteen-to-one.
Congratulations, mademoiselle.

Oh, thank you. Just let it ride, please.

That's $1500, mademoiselle.

I'm afraid it far exceeds
the house limits.

Well, you said you accepted big bets.

Perhaps if you desire,
the manager will raise the limit for you.

Well, thank you.
That would be nice.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[LAUGHING]

[WHISPERING] Got your message.
- I beg your pardon?

Got your message.

Oh, good. Yes. Well, meet me
at the slot machines in five minutes.

You, uh, want the limit raised, young lady?

Yes, please. If it's okay.

Certainly.

Any amount the lady wants.

[SUSAN SIGHS]

SUSAN:
Oh, come on, 11.

Come on, 11.

[CHEERING, LAUGHING]

That's, uh....

That's $22,500.

Oh, I did it. I really did it.

Oh. Could I cash it now?

Certainly. Cash the lady in.

Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness, all that money.

Uh, would you keep it for me, please?

I mean, I'd be sort of scared
to carry all that around.

[CROWD CHUCKLES]

If you like.

Oh, and I would appreciate seeing
where it's kept, if you don't mind.

That won't be necessary, miss.

Oh, well, now,
it is an awful lot of money...

...and, well, I should be
allowed to see.

Come on, fella. It is her money.

[CROWD MURMURS
IN AGREEMENT]

As you wish.

- Thank you and bye.
- Good luck.

Oh, uh, could I touch it? You know,
just sort of hold it for a minute?

Give it to her.

Thank you.

That's a safe?

That conveyer belt goes directly
to the vault room.

There are two large men there
to receive it.

Their sole responsibility
is to take care of your money.

So don't worry about it.

Oh, but-- But I would like to see
where it goes.

Impossible.
Even I couldn't go down there now.

Oh, fiddlesticks.
You can't even get into your own vault?

Now, that's ridiculous.

Not with a time lock.

Lady.

[BELL RINGING]

[RINGING STOPS]

We do the job two nights from now.

That's fine. But I'd appreciate
knowing the plan.

And the people
I'm expected to work with.

I am an artist, not an amateur.

You will be told the procedure
completely tomorrow night.

You'll have a chance to meet
your fellow artists.

And bring along your equipment.

My superiors will want to check it out.

It's about time.

You can't blow your way into a vault
under a casino full of people.

You've got to have some diversion.

We'll give you a diversion. I promise.

[COINS CLATTERING]

Thank you.

Remember the two guards
in the vault room.

Mm-hm. And the time lock on the vault...

...and we know it can only be opened
between 12 and 12:15.

SUSAN:
Mm.

[SUSAN GASPS]

It's that drunkard.

How dare you come barging
into somebody else's room?

No, no, this is Illya Kuryakin.

And he's not a drunkard.
As a matter of fact, he doesn't smoke.

And he only offends young ladies
in the line of duty.

Oh, really?

Illya, what have you got?

Aha. All right.

Let's see, here's the casino,
here's Korbel's office...

...and here's the vault.

We know that we can get in this way,
but we'd can't get out that way...

...because they'd be all over us.

So you are going to have
to provide an exit.

And that exit will be through
the drainpipe here.

I'll use the mine detector.

We still don't know what's in this area
where you're breaking in.

We know it's a sudden deathtrap.

According to our information,
two years ago on December 8th...

...the casino purchased 250 square
feet of electro-porous grating.

Electro-porous.

They could have used it to charge
either the floor or the walls in here.

Right. Now, you can't start drilling
into the vault...

...until I get into the vault
and deactivate the mines.

I'll be through at 12:02.
You can start drilling at 12:03.

ILLYA: And if you don't get through
this area and into the vault by 12:03...

...and I start drilling?

Well, if you touch the wall
before I throw the switch...

...I will hear a very loud noise...

...and you will be scattered
all over the Caribbean.

Well, a good agent should be
in many places at once.

Would somebody mind
paying some attention to me?

Even you.

Two nights from now.
And you will know exactly when...

...because there will be
a diversion created in the casino.

Diversion, huh?

Well, you get me all their identities...

...and there won't be any U.N.C.L.E.
agents left...

...to create a diversion the next night.

Now get out of here.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[BELL RINGING]

[RINGING STOPS]

Mm. With the time lock on the vault...

...it will have to be opened sometime
within the next 15 minutes.

- Now, there it goes.
ILLYA: Go.

Remember the hundred dollar bill,
Susan?

SUSAN: Mm-hm.
- Nineteen left.

You mean, we're getting
the combination to the vault?

That's right.

Well, that's so easy. That's great.

It's a deceptively easy beginning...

...to a frightening series of hazards.

You said 10:30, it's after 11.
Who's this?

Have you brought
all your equipment?

It's all here.
Where are the rest of your people?

I'm the rest of his people.

Huh?

You're joking.

Do you mean to say that you,
the two of you--?

No. Not the two of us.

The three of us.

And not tomorrow night. Tonight.

That's absurd. We need preparation,
briefing. Are you insane?

I don't think so. Are you insane?

No. But I'm chilly.

Shall we go along, Rudolph?
You're with me.

No, no, look here. I don't even
know what we're supposed to do.

You're supposed to follow instructions.

That's all you know on earth and all
you need to know. Come along.

- But--
- Good luck.

CROUPIER:
Eight's the point.

Good evening, mademoiselle.

[GLASS SMASHES]

[WHISPERING]
Slipped.

Now, look here. What are you doing?
I don't understand.

[WHISPERING]
All right. Let's go.

All right. Sit down.

No, no, on the floor. On the floor.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Rudolph.

Bad. Very bad.

Now, you go sit behind the chair.

Take that to the office. Use your key.

And hurry right back.

[DOOR UNLOCKING]

RUDOLPH:
Look out.

SOLO:
Hold it, Rudolph.

[CHUCKLES]

Over here.

Well, I am glad we didn't pay you
in advance.

This is Thrush, you blockhead.
You will never pull it off.

Well, that's unfortunate for you.
Because you're gonna go in front of me.

And where I step,
you will have stepped first.

And where I die,
you will have died first.

Now, those two, they'll sleep
for only two hours.

Yours will be forever. Now let's start
disarming this door. Shall we?

[TIMER TICKING]

Come on. Snap it up, Rudolph.

[BELL RINGING]

Come on.

- Seven, seven the loser.
- Again?

Chips, please.

Well, what are you all staring at?

All right.

- Camera.
- Oh, I see.

So that's how the guards
in the vault room...

...know when to turn off
the alarm systems.

Right now,
they are laying down on the job.

So we'll have to turn them off
ourselves. Right, Rudolph?

The ground. I am not sure.

An electrostatic field.
We're finished. That's it.

Oh, wait, wait.

Operation Hotfoot.

But can't you see? They are no wires.
What can I do?

Courage, Rudolph. Courage.

I brought some rubber life rafts
to float across the electric floor.

All right, Rudolph. Push it over the field.

[MINESWEEPER HUMMING]

[BEEPS]

[BEEPS]

[BEEPING]

That idiot Rudolph should have been
back by now...

...with the identity
of those U.N.C.L.E. agents.

Watch for him
and let me know immediately.

Oh, my luck couldn't be this bad.

Mademoiselle, forgive me,
but you are not betting very wisely.

Oh, really? But I seem to recall betting
wisely enough last night.

[SIGHS]

[RUDOLPH SIGHS]

These railings are wired, all right.

For pressure, not electricity.

Well, then we go down
without touching the railings.

But these stairs are too narrow.

Move.

If I lose my balance,
it won't be my fault.

Well, don't lose you balance,
Rudolph.

Is that an electric eye?

No power hum. It's a dummy.

Oh, it's cold.
And a thermometer....

Interesting problem.

This room has been specifically
acclimated, but why?

The thermometer. Body heat.

What are you talking about?

I think the room reacts.

Not to objects alone,
but to objects of a certain temperature.

In this instance, normal body heat
of 98.6 degrees.

Certainly. That's got to be it.
Good, huh?

Pretty good.

[BEEPING]

What are you going to do with that?

I hope you're right about this room,
because I'm going to use the CO2...

...to freeze the thermometer long enough
for us to get through. All right?

Well, I was right. I did it.

Tell me who else could have
deciphered such an arrangement.

You're rooting for the wrong side,
Rudolph. Now, don't get confused.

Uh....

That should be it.

Now, the time lock won't cut us off
until 12:15 so we are all right.

[SOLO SIGHS]

Look.

RUDOLPH:
That must be seven minutes.

Visitor's quarantine.

It gives the hosts a chance
to inspect the guests.

Seven.

We can't wait seven minutes.

- Illya.
- What?

Illya.

Hello, Illya.

Illya. Don't touch the wall.

I can't get through
for seven more minutes.

Whatever that is, it's useless in here.

These walls are lined with lead.

[SIGHS]

That's enough. That's enough.

Now, what are you people
trying to do to me?

You're horrible. All of you.

Now, just get away from me,
you cheaters and robbers.

- Now, look here--
- I mean it, all of you.

Just stay away from me, all of you.
I mean it.

I haven't got time for this.

Get her out
before she empties the place.

I've gotta be at the vault at 12:15
and I'm missing a couple of guards.

SUSAN: All right, you too,
you just hold it, you stinker.

And you're gonna watch too.

- Watch what?
- I mean it. Just stay right there.

And no fooling around.

[GAS HISSING]

- What time does your friend--?
- Twelve-o-three.

I should have been in the vault room
by then to turn off the switch.

I imagine we'll hear the explosion,
even in here.

Too bad.

He'll die quickly though.

[GAS STOPS]

It's 12:03.

Why haven't we heard it yet?

Maybe he couldn't make it through.

- I don't know what's with you.
- Oh, of course not.

Nobody ever knows
what's with other people.

I'm telling you something.

I'm getting tired of being bounced around
by people like you.

I'd rather be dead.
And you're gonna watch me do it.

Now, look. No one's trying
to take advantage of you.

You won quite a sum of money
last night.

Why don't you take it and go home?

We'll refund the money you lost tonight.

Ah!

That's a lot of fiddlesticks
and you know it.

You sound just like my parents.

They used to say, "Oh, it's all right.
Nothing to be afraid of."

You're the one that's gonna be afraid.
You're gonna stand right there...

...and you're gonna watch me
do it.

[SIGHS]

Not yet, Illya. Not yet. Not yet.

[ALARMS BEEPING]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[SCREAMS]

- Get her into the office.
- Aah! Let me go.

Can't you take a joke?

[ALARMS BEEPING]

You disarmed the mines
but unfortunately not the wall alarms.

I'm sorry, my friend. The jig is up.

[AIR HISSING]

What's that?

Very clever, young lady.

So you were the diversion, huh?

Oh, go soak your head.

I'm a bit surprised
they got as far as the vault room.

However, every ounce
of breathable air...

...is being sucked out of that room
right now.

Nobody gets out.

[AIR HISSING]

The air. They're suffocating us.

Poor Rudolph.

He wanted so badly to join us.

I'm afraid he's flunked out.

All that nonsense last night
just to get into this office.

Now your friends have
unfortunately ruptured their lungs.

You're the only one left...

...to tell us all about U.N.C.L.E.

The time lock has only a minute left.

[RUDOLPH GROANS]

[TIMER TICKING]

Out fast.

All right, Rudolph.

You wait here and take your chances
with Thrush if you like.

No. Heh.

Thank you.

The mines are marked with lights.

- Please, stay away from them.
- Oh.

Of course, there's always
sodium pentothal...

...which is a bit more civilized
than bamboo under the fingernails.

At any rate, let's see what kind
of gremlins we've caught.

- Come along, young lady.
SOLO: No, no.

SUSAN: Napoleon. Finally, you've come.
- Illya, bring our friend in.

KORBEL:
But--

Well, who's in the vault?

Just gremlins.
Over there with your boss.

[EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE]

[RUMBLING]

[EXPLOSION NEARBY]

Well, easy come, easy go.

Fifty-five million dollars.

On the deck, everybody, down.

- Why don't you finish the job?
- No, no, no.

I couldn't do that. I want you around
to explain it all to Thrush.

All right, get down on the deck.

Back.

What about me?

Well, he who straddles both sides
of a slippery street...

...winds up sitting in the middle.

But-- But--

They'll kill me.

Not if you run fast enough.

Take care of yourself, Rudolph.

Oh, fiddlesticks.
Haven't I proven myself?

I mean, aren't I just as sneaky and slimy
and rotten as you and Napoleon?

Yes, you are.

You are also thoroughly depraved.

[SOLO CLEARS THROAT]

You may ignore him, my dear.

You see, he's not very well-liked
anyway.

So tell me about your wonderful idea.

Well, it's a kind of an excursion
I thought of.

SOLO:
Mm-hm?

Perfect for people
of our low moral fiber.

Splendid.

It's Las Vegas.

Those casinos are filthy with money.

- They've got huge vaults.
- Yes?

[ENGLISH SDH]