Original subtitles

( Heavy Metal music on radio )

( man ) ♪ SATAN'S GOT SOME BOOKS TO SELL ♪

♪ THE INK IS BLOOD AND IT'S PRINTED IN HELL ♪

♪ TURN UP THE VOLUME OF SATANICA ♪

♪ BRING YOUR SOUL AND YOUR HARMONICA ♪

♪ YEAH... ENCYCLOPEDIA ♪♪

AAAH !

OOOF !

WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ?

( wheezing )

HELLO ?

IF SOMEBODY'S THERE, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

TAKE ME BACK TO YOUR CABIN

AND MAKE ME YOUR SEX SLAVE IF YOU MUST.

DRESS ME UP LIKE A LITTLE SCHOOL GIRL,

TELL ME I'M NAUGHTY AND THEN PADDLE ME OH SO HARD,

BUT PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

OH, IT'S JUST A BEAVER.

WHO'S A PRETTY LITTLE BEAVER ?

YOU ARE.

HEY, WHY ARE YOU ALL GLOWIN' THERE, LITTLE FELLA--

AAAH... !

OWW... AAAH !

STUPID GLOWING BEAVER BIT ME !

HMM, THAT'S ODD.

I SUDDENLY HAVE A STRONG DESIRE TO CHEW WOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'M GONNA BUILD A DAM.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN.

I'VE NEVER BUILT A DAM BEFORE.

WHAT... IS GOING... ON ?

WHAT'S... HAPPENING... TO ME ?

( growling )

( wheezing )

AAAHHH !!

♪ Stripperella ♪

♪ Stripperella ♪♪

( wolf whistle )

( cheering )

AND THEN, EARLIER TODAY, I WENT TO EL MEDO BURRITO

AND GOT ONE OF THEM TWO-POUND BEAN BURRITOS

AND I HAVE JUST HAD THE WORST DIARRHEA.

THAT'S FUNNY "THE WORST DIARRHEA."

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN HAVE THE BEST DIARRHEA.

DIARRHEA'S DIARRHEA.

HA HA HA...

LET'S HEAR IT FOR EROTICA...

MAKE SURE YOU TIP HER GOOD, FELLAS,

'CAUSE SHE OWES ME THREE DOLLARS FROM LUNCH THE OTHER DAY.

OKAY, SIR, THAT WILL BE $20,

PLUS ANY GRATUITY WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED.

SIR, I'M TALKING TO YOU.

THAT'S RUDE, I WOULD APPRECIATE A RESPONSE.

SIR ?

( gasps )

( crying )

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S DEAD !

( sobbing )

OH, THIS IS HORRIBLE !

I KNOW, HE SEEMED SO YOUNG AND FULL OF LIFE.

LIFE, SCHMIFE, WE ARE GONNA GET SUED !

I FEEL AWFUL.

I NEVER KILLED ANYONE BEFORE !

THAT POOR DEAD MAN !

GISELLE, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

I MEAN, SURE, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT EXCITED HIM

AND THAT'S WHAT TRIGGERED HIS HEART ATTACK,

BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANY OF US.

WELL...

WE SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE DOWN THAT SIGN.

( woman ) WOW...

THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS ON A DARK AND FOGGY NIGHT

SO FAR AWAY FROM CIVILIZATION

THAT NO ONE COULD HEAR US SCREAM IF SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENED.

IT'S SO ROMANTIC.

( loud bellow )

WHAT WAS THAT ?

I DON'T KNOW, I HEARD IT, TOO.

WELL, GO SEE WHAT IT WAS.

( howl )

JUST OUT WALKING MY DOG.

SORRY ABOUT THE CREEPY HOWLING.

( growl )

JUST OUT WALKING MY PET BEAR.

SORRY ABOUT THE CREEPY GROWLING.

( fast chewing )

( screaming )

THIS SCULPTURE IS AN ALMOST PERFECT RECREATION

OF AN ACTUAL TREE.

THE ARTIST CUT DOWN AND USED THE WOOD

FROM OVER 500 ACTUAL REDWOODS

TO CONSTRUCT THIS MAJESTIC TRIBUTE TO TREES.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

I, MAYOR SAMUELSON GIVE TO YOU

THE GIANT WOODY !

AHHH... AHHH...

( gnawing )

( screaming )

I THINK THIS WAS A SIGN.

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR ME TO HANG UP MY G-STRING

AND GO INTO POLITICS OR SOMETHING.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT ?

YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE UP, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT !

THINK OF ALL THE GUYS THAT YOU'VE GIVEN LAP DANCES TO

THAT HAVEN'T DIED.

( sobbing )

OH, HAROLD, I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO TO THE STRIP CLUB.

MA'AM, I WAS THE ONE THAT ACCIDENTALLY LAP-DANCED

YOUR HUSBAND TO DEATH.

AND, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

HE SEEMED REAL HAPPY RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED.

( sobbing louder )

ALSO, I REALLY BELIEVE HE KNEW IT WAS HIS TIME TO GO.

IN FACT, HIS LAST WORDS WERE,

"JESUS, I'M COMING, HERE I COME !

OH, GOD, JESUS, HERE I COME !"

EXCUSE ME WIDOW-- MA'AM,

I AM THE MANAGER HERE AT THE TENDERLOINS

AND I JUST WANTED TO EXPRESS MY SINCERE CONDOLENCES

AND SAY THAT IF THERE IS ANYTHING WE CAN DO,

PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO ASK.

BY THE WAY, THIS IN NO WAY CONSTITUTES

AN ADMISSION OF GUILT OR CULPABILITY

EITHER FINANCIAL OR LEGAL.

( beeping & vibrating )

AGENT 69 HERE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, CHIEF ?

A GIANT BEAVER IS THREATENING THE WELL-BEING

OF THE CITIZENS OF OUR GREAT CITY.

WHAT ?

DID YOU SAY "GIANT BEAVER" ?

CALM DOWN, GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF, DAMN IT !

THIS IS NO TIME TO PANIC !

I'M NOT PANICKING, I'M MERELY ASKING IF--

WELL, YOU SHOULD BE PANICKING !

THIS IS A SERIOUS SITUATION.

PEOPLE AND ANYTHING MADE OF WOOD ARE IN DANGER !

THE BEAVER'S ALREADY ATTACKED SEVERAL LUMBER YARDS

BUILT SEVERAL SUBPAR DAMS THAT AREN'T UP TO CODE

AND DEVOURED THE ENTIRE WOODWIND SECTION

OF THE PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA !

THAT'S AWFUL !

I KNOW...

I HAD TICKETS FOR TONIGHT'S PERFORMANCE.

NOW, GET OUT THERE

AND DO SOMETHING SUPERHERO/SECRET-AGENTY.

( snoring )

WHAT'S GOING ON ?

IT'S SOME SORT OF ANIMAL !

KIDS, QUICK, CLIMB OUT !

I CAN'T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER !

WOW, YOU'RE STRIPPERELLA !

I KNOW.

PLEASE CLIMB OUT.

HURRY !

ARE YOU KIDS OKAY ?

I GUESS SO.

YOU RUINED OUR BIKES !

I SAVED YOUR LIVES.

YEAH, BUT YOU RUINED OUR BIKES !

ARGH...

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOTTA GO BAG A BEAVER.

HEY, BEAVER, WANT SOME WOOD ?

( growling )

SUPER HAIRSPRAY, DO YOUR STUFF !

GOTCHA !

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, THAT HAIRSPRAY IS ULTRA-HOLD.

PLUS, IT HAS ENRICHED VITAMIN COMPLEX

TO HELP KEEP YOUR HAIR SHINY AND BRIGHT.

YEAH ! YEAH !

YEAH, BOY, STRIPPERELLA CAUGHT THE BEAVER !

NOW LET'S KILL IT !

I'VE ALREADY CAUGHT IT.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE.

HE'S DESTROYING OUR CITY.

HE'S A DANGER TO OUR CHILDREN AND OUR WOOD !

( man ) HE RAISED OUR TAXES REALLY HIGH !

ISN'T THIS THE MOB TO RECALL THE MAYOR ?

NO, THIS IS THE MOB TO DESTROY THE GIANT BEAVER.

OH, SORRY, WRONG MOB.

( chanting ) KILL THE BEAVER, KILL THE BEAVER...

( grunting )

STOP, YOU'RE HURTING IT !

JA, STRIPPERELLA, GET IT WITH YOUR LASER LIPSTICK !

( old lady ) LOOK, HE'S GETTIN' AWAY !

STRIPPERELLA LET HIM GET AWAY !

BOOO ! BOOO !

( man ) I KNOW WE'RE ALL CONCERNED, AND WELL,

Y'KNOW, A LITTLE BAFFLED ABOUT THE GIANT, SIX-FOOT BEAVER

THAT'S BEEN TERRORIZING OUR COMMUNITY.

YEAH, UH, MAYOR,

I JUST WANTED TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT WE STILL NEED VOLUNTEERS

FOR THE BAKE SALE THIS WEEKEND.

MITCHELL, NOW IS REALLY NOT THE TIME.

WE ARE DEALING WITH A MORE PRESSING ISSUE.

NOW, FOR ALL WE KNOW, THERE WON'T BE A BAKE SALE.

YOU'RE GONNA CANCEL THE BAKE SALE ?

NO, NOW, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

WELL, I KINDA NEED TO KNOW.

IT TAKES ME A LONG TIME TO MAKE MY DELICIOUS POPOVERS

AND I WAS GONNA START TONIGHT.

FORGET THE DAMN POPOVERS !

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THE BEAVER !

YEAH !

STRIPPERELLA SURE AIN'T GONNA HELP US,

SHE LET THE BEAVER GO !

I HAD TO LET IT GO--

I MEAN, SHE HAD TO LET IT GO.

PROBABLY BECAUSE THE ANGRY MOB WAS TRYING TO KILL IT.

I'M SURE IF STRIPPERELLA WERE HERE-- AND SHE'S NOT--

SHE WOULD SAY THAT THE BEAVER IS JUST A POOR DEFENSELESS ANIMAL

WHO PROBABLY HAS NO IDEA THAT IT'S CAUSING ANY HARM.

THEN, SHE WOULD SAY THAT WE NEED TO FIND A WAY

TO CAPTURE IT, HUMANELY.

YEAH, LET'S CAPTURE IT HUMANELY !

THEN WE CAN TORTURE AND KILL IT.

YOU KINDA MISSED THE POINT.

THE BEAVER'S A MENACE, IT HAS TO BE KILLED !

IT ATE MY HOUSE !

IT DAMMED UP MY SWIMMING POOL !

HE DEVOURED ME' PEGLEG !

ARGH !

I WAS ONCE BITTEN BY AN ODD, GLOWING BEAVER,

SO I KNOW, FIRST HAND, HOW DANGEROUS THEY CAN BE.

IT HAS TO BE KILLED !

COME ON, EVERYBODY, LET'S ALL CHANT !

KILL THE BEAVER...

( all ) KILL THE BEAVER, KILL THE BEAVER,

KILL THE BEAVER !

NOW, JUST THE GIRLS.

( all girls ) KILL THE BEAVER, KILL THE BEAVER,

KILL THE BEAVER !

( nails screeching )

I'LL KILL YOUR BEAVER FOR YA,

BUT IT'S GONNA COST YA.

WHO'S THAT ?

THAT'S LANCE SHAW, BEAVER HUNTER.

HE'S GOTTEN MORE TAIL THAN ANYONE I'VE EVER MET.

FOR $1,500 I'LL CATCH 'ER AND KILL 'ER.

FOR $2,000 I'LL CATCH 'ER, KILL 'ER, SKIN HER

AND COOK 'ER UP FOR DINNER.

EWW, WHO WOULD WANNA EAT BEAVER ?

FOR $3,000 I'LL CATCH HER, KILL HER, COOK HER

AND MAKE HER SKIN INTO A BIKINI.

FOR $27.95, I'LL DO ALL THAT WHILE WEARING A DRESS.

SO, DO WE HAVE A DEAL ?

WE HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE, YOU'RE HIRED.

KILL THE BEAVER KILL THE BEAVER

KILL THE BEAVER-- KILL THE BEAVER

KILL THE BEAVER KILL THE BEAVER

KILL THE BEAVER-- KILL THE BEAVER

WAIT ! WE CAN CATCH IT SAFELY.

( all ) SORRY, LADY,

WE WANT THE BEAVER DEAD !

KILL THE BEAVER, KILL THE BEAVER...

THAT'S SOME BEAVER SHOT.

THAT IS THE BIGGEST, HAIRIEST BEAVER I'VE EVER SEEN.

THERE'S GOT TO BE A WAY TO CAPTURE THE BEAVER

BEFORE THE BEAVER HUNTER KILLS IT

AND COOKS IT AND SKINS IT

AND TURNS ITS HIDE INTO A BIKINI !

( Agent 14 ) AH, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT SIMPLE.

AH, SPECIAL AGENT 14.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?

WE'VE TAKEN SAMPLES OF THE BEAVER'S SALIVA AND D.N.A.

AND WE HAVE DETERMINED THAT WE ARE NOT DEALING WITH

JUST A REGULAR, ORDINARY GIANT EVIL BEAVER.

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A WEREBEAVER.

WEREBEAVER ?

THE LEGEND SAYS THAT A MAN WHO IS BITTEN BY THE WEREBEAVER

WILL HIMSELF BECOME A WEREBEAVER

WHEN THE MOON IS A 3/4 WAXING CRESCENT.

IF THIS REALLY IS A WEREBEAVER,

THEN WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO TURN HIM BACK INTO A MAN.

THEN I CAN HURT HIM AS MUCH AS I WANT

AND NOT FEEL BAD.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FIND HIM.

BINGO !

MIDNIGHT TONIGHT AT JOLLY LAND AMUSEMENT PARK.

THE GRAND OPENING OF THE EXTREMINATOR,

THE WORLD'S LARGEST ROLLER COASTER MADE ENTIRELY OF WOOD.

WELL, STRIPPERELLA,

I THINK YOUR BEAVER IS ABOUT TO BE EXPOSED.

DARN IT !

HMM, NUMBER TWO.

HEY, LARRY, HOW'S IT SHAKING ?

OH, MAN, I HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

THIS MORNING I WOKE UP IN THE WOODS

I WAS NAKED AND COVERED IN SAWDUST AND BLOOD

AND MY FACE WAS FULL OF SPLINTERS

AND MY BREATH SMELLED LIKE WOOD.

OH, NO BIG DEAL,

THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

MAN, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OFF WORK.

I'M GONNA CHECK OUT THAT NEW ROLLER COASTER AT JOLLY LAND.

WANNA GO ?

OH, NO THANKS, LAST TIME I WENT ON A ROLLER COASTER

I WAS SITTING BEHIND THIS OVERWEIGHT LADY

WHO'S SEAT BELT BROKE,

AND WE WENT THROUGH ONE OF THOSE LOW TUNNELS

AND SHE GOT DECAPITATED.

I SPENT THE REST OF THE RIDE WITH HER SEVERED HEAD IN MY LAP

AND, SINCE THEN,

I'VE JUST HAD THIS THING ABOUT ROLLER COASTERS.

AND OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANNA GO ?

THE ROLLER COASTER'S MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF WOOD.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW MUCH WOOD THEY USED ?

I MEAN, JUST THINK ABOUT ALL THAT WOOD.

WOOD, HUH ?

HEY, IT'S A LITTLE STUFFY IN HERE.

WHY DON'T I OPEN THE WINDOW AND LET A LITTLE MOONLIGHT IN.

SURE, A LITTLE MOONLIGHT WOULD BE NICE.

WOW, LOOK AT THAT MOON.

WOULD YOU SAY THAT'S A HALF MOON ?

NO, MORE LIKE 3/4 WAXING CRESCENT.

YEAH, DEFINITELY A 3/4 WAXING CRESCENT.

HEY, YOU AREN'T LARRY.

THE EXTREMINATOR OPENS IN ONE HOUR.

I'M SURE THE WEREBEAVER'S GONNA SHOW UP.

I HAVE TO GET THERE TO MAKE SURE NO ONE GETS HURT,

INCLUDING THE BEAVER.

DON'T WORRY, STRIPPERELLA,

WE'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF BEAVER RESEARCH.

BEFORE TODAY, WE REALLY KNEW NOTHING ABOUT BEAVERS.

I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN A REAL BEAVER BEFORE.

JUST PICTURES IN MAGAZINES.

OH, I HAVE, ONCE.

BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO AT CAMP.

ANYWAY, USING THE HAIR OF THE BEAVER,

WE DEVELOPED AN ANTIDOTE

THAT WILL TRANSFORM IT BACK TO A REGULAR MAN.

OR A WOMAN.

WE PUT THE FORMULA IN THIS SILVER SYRINGE.

AH, I GET IT.

SILVER CAN DEFEAT THE WEREBEAVER.

NO, WE JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE A SILVER SYRINGE LYING AROUND.

OKAY, SO ALL I HAVE TO DO

IS GIVE THE BEAVER A LITTLE INJECTION ?

I'M AFRAID IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT EASY

TO PRICK THE BEAVER, ITS FUR IS VERY THICK.

YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO PENETRATE IT.

SO, FIRST, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE

A SMALL PATCH OF THE BEAVER'S HAIR.

I HAVE TO SHAVE THE BEAVER ?

YOU CAN USE THIS LASER HAIR REMOVER.

HAL GOT THAT FROM HIS MOTHER.

SHE USES IT TO REMOVE HER MOUSTACHE.

DOES NOT !

SHE USES IT ON HER BACK.

THANKS GUYS, GOOD WORK.

I'M OFF TO STICK IT TO THE BEAVER.

( man ) GOOD EVENING, WOODEN ROLLER COASTER LOVERS !

NOW, WE COULDN'T FIND A TARP BIG ENOUGH

TO COVER THE ENTIRE ROLLER COASTER

SO THANK Y'ALL FOR COVERING YOUR EYES.

ON BEHALF OF THE JOLLY LLAMA AND MYSELF, THE MAYOR,

I PRESENT TO YOU, THE EXTREMINATOR !

YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES NOW.

WHOA ! WOW !

WOOD !

THIS SCAR'S FROM A BEAVER I CONQUERED IN MADAGASCAR

BACK IN '87.

THESE DAYS I WON'T GET NEAR A BEAVER WITHOUT PROTECTION.

( screams & cheering )

THE BEAVER !

( man ) HEY, THAT'S NOT A LLAMA !

THIS IS A GUY IN A LLAMA SUIT !

I'M SO SORRY.

YOU'RE THE JOLLY LLAMA.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE WEREBEAVER AND--

( woman ) LOOK, THE BEAVER !

OH, NO !

THE WOOD HE'S EATING COULD CAUSE THE TRACK TO COLLAPSE !

( screaming )

THOSE PEOPLE WILL BE KILLED !

STOP THE RIDE !

WELL, I KNOW, BUT THERE'S NO STOP BUTTON.

SEE, IT'S ON BACK ORDER.

APPARENTLY THE COMPANY ACCIDENTALLY SENT

TWO START BUTTONS AND--

UGH... !

THAT'S WHAT I CALL A BEAUTIFUL BEAVER.

I CAN'T WAIT TO STUFF YOU AND MOUNT YOU.

BUT FIRST, I GOTTA KILL YA.

SAY GOODBYE, BEAVER.

AAHHH... !

( splat )

( whistles )

OH, NO !

( roaring )

( grunting )

( gasping )

AAAHH !

AAAHH !

( wheezing )

THE ANTIDOTE !

AAHH...

( puffing )

( cheering )

WHAT HAPPENED ?

YOU TURNED INTO A GIANT, RAMPAGING WEREBEAVER.

I HAD TO INJECT YOU WITH AN ANTIDOTE TO TURN YOU BACK.

REALLY ?

SO, I WAS SCREAMING FOR THE BEAVER TO BE KILLED

BUT ALL THAT TIME I REALLY WAS THE BEAVER ?

IRONIC, HUH ?

I SEE NOW THAT KILLING BEAVERS IS WRONG.

BEAVERS ARE WARM AND SENSITIVE ANIMALS.

THEY SHOULD BE STROKED AND KISSED AND CARESSED

AND PLAYED WITH UNTIL THEIR CUTE LITTLE LIPS OPEN WIDE

AND QUIVER WITH EXCITEMENT.

SURE, SOMETIMES THEY LIKE IT ROUGH

AND YOU NEED TO BE FIRM WITH THEM,

BUT NOT KILL THEM, IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.

YOU'VE LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON TODAY.

AND, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,

WE COULD USE A GUY LIKE YOU IN MY A.N.U.S.

OH, YOU MEAN YOUR CHARITY,

"ANIMALS NEED UNIVERSAL SUPPORT" ?

NOW THAT I'M ENLIGHTENED,

I WOULD LOVE TO BE INVOLVED WITH YOUR A.N.U.S.

( crowd laughing )

YOU KNOW YOU'RE NAKED, RIGHT ?

OH... MY GOD.

AND SO ONCE AGAIN THE CITY IS SAFE

AND STRIPPERELLA HAS SAVED THE DAY.

IN A RELATED STORY,

FORMER-WEREBEAVER, LARRY TALBOT

has signed a deal to turn his story

into a crappy made-for-TV movie.

WOW, THAT STIPPERELLA SURE IS AMAZING.

YEAH, SHE SURE IS.

I WISH I COULD MEET SOMEONE JUST LIKE HER.

ONLY BIGGER AND SWEATIER AND MAYBE NAMED CHARLIE.

WELL, THIS IS IT, I'M QUITTING.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY BYE.

GISELLE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

EROTIC DANCING IS YOUR LIFE.

I'LL JUST HAVE TO GET ME A NEW LIFE.

A bizarre twist in the story of the man

who was lap-danced to death

at the Tenderloins gentleman's club...

WAIT, GISELLE, LOOK AT THIS.

Investigators have discovered

that the deceased man, Harold Mills,

didn't actually die of natural causes as previously believed.

It turns out he was murdered by his wife, Beatrice.

She confessed to the crime

and admitted she did it because she was angry at him

for always going to strip clubs.

Police found traces of arousitol in his system,

which, when taken in high doses, can trigger a heart attack

if the drug user becomes aroused during a lap dance.

Isn't that neat ?

In a related story, Beatrice Mills

has signed a deal to turn her story

into a crappy made-for-TV movie.

GISELLE, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT !

HE WAS MURDERED, ISN'T THAT GREAT ?

IT WAS MURDER !

OH, I'M SO HAPPY !

SIR ?

WOULD YOU LIKE A LAP DANCE.

I WAS GONNA GO TAKE A LEAK,

BUT WHY NOT ?

( clapping )

UGH !

THANK YOU, SO MUCH.

THAT'S MY GISELLE.

( roaring )

( deep growl )

♪ Stripperella ♪

♪ Stripperella ♪♪