Original subtitles

( mooing )

( nervous chatter )

( mooing )

DON'T WORRY, EVERYONE.

I'LL SHOOT 'ER DOWN WITH MY ASSAULT RIFLE.

MOVE OVER !

I'LL HANDLE THIS.

DANG, I REALLY WANTED TO SHOOT SOMETHIN'.

( grunting )

LOOK OUT !

COW IN DANGER.

HUH ?

YOU'RE NOT A REAL COW.

( beeping )

"SURPRISE STRIPPERELLA.

"YOU'RE DEAD" ?

( beeping )

STUNTMAN SUPPLIES, CRASHPADS.

STUNTMANSUPPLIES ?

SHOULDN'T IT BE "STUNTPERSON" SUPPLIES ?

( mooing )

♪ Stripperella ♪

♪ Stripperella ♪♪

I HAD THE WORST NIGHTMARE.

I WAS GIVING A SPEECH IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE

AND THEN I REALIZED I WAS IN MY UNDIES !

IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING !

HEY, EROTICA I--

( gasps )

UGH !

OH, KEVIN, I'M SO SORRY.

I'M JUST REAL JUMPY.

SOMEONE KEEPS TRYING TO KILL ME AND IT'S MAKING ME ON EDGE.

SOMEONE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU ?

NO-- NOT ME.

SOMEONE'S TRYING TO KILL... SOMEONE ELSE

AND IT'S JUST REALLY STRESSING ME OUT.

HEY, EROTICA, YOU GOT A SECOND ?

SURE.

A SECOND... A MINUTE.. A LIFETIME...

NOW, WHY DIDN'T SHE KICK HIS PRIVATES ?

UM, I WAS WONDERING,

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DATING SOMEONE YOU WORK WITH ?

UM, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S INAPPROPRIATE,

THAT IT COULD GET COMPLICATED ?

NO, IF TWO PEOPLE WANT TO BE TOGETHER THEY SHOULD--

GUN !

HI-YAH !

EROTICA, WHAT IS WITH YOU ?!

THAT'S ONE OF THEM NEW NOVELTY CELL PHONES

IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A GUN !

SEE ?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME.

I JUST KEEP OVERREACTING TO EVERYTHING--

BOMB !

EVERYBODY DOWN !

HUH ?

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR ?

THAT WAS A CAKE FOR MY DAD'S RETIREMENT !

I'M SO SORRY--

WELL, YOU SHOULD BE SORRY !

MY MOTHER BAKED THAT CAKE

RIGHT BEFORE SHE PASSED AWAY !

SO, WHERE WERE WE ?

UM, MAYBE NOW'S NOT A GOOD TIME.

I SHOULD GET BACK TO THE TUNES.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

OKAY.

BUT IF IT MEANS ANYTHING,

I DEFINITELY THINK TWO PEOPLE THAT WORK TOGETHER CAN DATE.

UH, EROTICA, MAYBE--

UHH !

AHH !

THE PRESSURE OF LIVING THIS DOUBLE LIFE IS GETTING TO ME.

I FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD

AND THERE'S A GUY AT WORK I LIKE

AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO GET CLOSE TO ANYBODY

BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE TO LIE ABOUT WHO I REALLY AM.

I'M NOT A GOOD LIAR.

THERE ARE ANTS IN MY KITCHEN,

MY TOILET'S MAKING A FUNNY NOISE,

AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT... SOMEONE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.

YOU'RE HOLDING BACK.

IT'S JUST HARD TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE.

I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE BUT I FEEL SO GUARDED

BECAUSE OF MY SECRET LIFE.

STRIPPERELLA, I WANT YOU TO SQUEEZE MY BALLS.

EXCUSE ME ?

MY STRESS BALLS.

I'M THINKING OF MARKETING THEM,

BUT I'M STILL TESTING THEM OUT.

HERE, YOU CAN HAVE SOME OF MY "TESTIES".

WHENEVER YOU'RE STRESSED,

I WANT YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES TAKE A DEEP BREATH,

AND CHANNEL ALL OF YOUR NEGATIVE ENERGY INTO MY BALLS.

( panting & grunting )

WOW, YOU KNOW, I FEEL BETTER ALREADY.

UH, YES...

I'LL GET YOU SOME MORE.

LET ME GRAB SOME MORE TESTIES OUT OF MY BALL SACK.

( splash )

OH MY, LOOK AT THAT, A NAKED LADY.

I'M NOT SEEING IT.

( phone ringing )

EXCUSE ME, THAT'S MY BIRTH CONTROL PILL PHONE.

I GOTTA TAKE THIS.

I MISSED IT ONCE AND I GOT IN BIG TROUBLE.

CHIEF STROGANOFF, AGENT 69 HERE.

( Stroganoff ) Stripperella, I need you to meet me

at the old corn field right away,

it's an emergency.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

( crows cawing )

( phone ringing )

CHIEF HERE.

CHIEF, I'M AT THE CORNFIELD.

WHERE ARE YOU ?

WHAT CORNFIELD ?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?

YOU CALLED ME AND TOLD ME TO MEET YOU HERE.

NOPE, WASN'T ME.

I'M GUESSING SOMEONE HACKED INTO

OUR SECRET ORGANIZATION'S SYSTEM TO CALL YOU

AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IT WAS COMING FROM MY NUMBER.

then they probably used a computer

to match my voice print and fool you into going down there.

IT'S PROBABLY THE PERSON WHO'S BEEN TRYING TO KILL YOU.

Well, I gotta run.

TIME FOR MY BOTOX INJECTIONS.

INVISIBLE BULLETPROOF UMBRELLA, DON'T FAIL ME NOW !

DAMN INVISIBLE BULLETPROOF UMBRELLA.

I'LL KILL YOU YET !

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, STRIPPERELLA.

"YOU REALLY GOT LUCKY THIS TIME,

"BUT YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FOREVER.

"SERIOUSLY, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED.

"I WON'T STOP UNTIL YOU'RE DEED...

OOPS, THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY 'DEAD'."

( gasps )

GENTLEMEN, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR THE ENCHANTING, EXHILARATING, EXQUISITE,

EROTICA !

( wolf whistles )

( glass shattering )

AHH !

HUH ?

UH...

LET'S HAVE ANOTHER ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR EROTICA !

NOW, GET READY FOR GISELLE

AND HER SPICY TRIBUTE TO ICE HOCKEY.

OOH, I'VE GOT A ZAMBONI...

THANKS FOR COVERING FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME LATELY.

OH, NO PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING

ABOUT TWO PEOPLE AT WORK DATING...

REALLY ?

HEY, YOU KNOW THERE'S AN OLD HORROR MOVIE FESTIVAL

THIS WEEKEND, DOWNTOWN.

I LOVE HORROR MOVIES.

OH, AWESOME, I LOVE HORROR MOVIES TOO.

WOW, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN--

( beeping & vibrating )

OOH... I GOTTA GO.

AAAGH !

DON'T HURT ME, DON'T HURT ME !

WHEW-- AAH !

OOPSIE...

CHIEF STROGANOFF, AGENT 69 REPORTING FOR DUTY.

( chainsaw buzzing )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?!

I'M PERFORMING A BRIS.

WAIT !

YOU CAN'T PERFORM A CIRCUMCISION WITH A CHAINSAW !

RIGHT !

THANK GOD I'M NOT RELIGIOUS.

SORRY, WIENSTEINS, MAZELTOV.

SO, WHY'D YOU CALL ME DOWN HERE ?

WE KNOW WHO'S TRYING TO KILL YOU.

WHO ?

SPECIAL AGENT 14 WILL FILL YOU IN.

SEND IN SPECIAL AGENT 14.

CHIEF... STRIPPERELLA.

I WAS ABLE TO DO A HANDWRITING ANALYSIS ON THE SKYWRITING.

WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN EASIER TO DO A HAND-WRITING ANALYSIS

FROM ONE OF THOSE HAND-WRITTEN DEATH THREATS ?

YES, BUT THIS WAS FUNNIER.

ANYHOW, I FOUND THAT THE SKYWRITING IS A DIRECT MATCH

WITH THE SIGNATURE OF...

QUEEN CLITORIS.

NOTICE THE FANCY LOOPS ON THE "E"s.

QUEEN CLITORIS ?!

THAT WAS CLITORIS UNDER THAT HOOD ?

SHE MUST STILL BE ANGRY

BECAUSE I THWARTED HER PLANS TO BLOW UP THE WORLD.

YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY STIMULATED CLITORIS

AND GOT HER ALL WORKED UP.

I THINK YOU NEED TO FINISH HER OFF.

YOU'RE RIGHT, I CAN'T JUST WAIT AROUND FOR HER

TO TRY TO KILL ME... AGAIN.

I'M GONNA BRING HER TO ME.

HOW ?

I'M GONNA LURE HER WITH THE ONE THING I KNOW SHE CAN'T RESIST.

THE WORLD'S GREATEST LATIN LOVER, ARMANDO.

I THINK I KNOW SOMEONE ELSE WHO CANNOT RESIST ARMANDO...

STRIPPERELLA.

WELL, I GUESS HE'S KIND OF CUTE.

OH, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE-- OH, THANK YOU.

AHHH...

STRIPPERELLA ?

ARMANDO, I JUST HAD TO SEE YOU.

YOU WANT ME TO SIGN FOR YOU A COPY OF MY BOOK,

"HOW TO BE MAKING THE LOVE, ARMANDO TEACH YOU."

NO, WELL, YES, I WOULD LIKE THAT.

BUT THAT'S NOW WHY I'M HERE.

I WAITED IN LINE TWO AND A HALF HOURS

TO TELL YOU THAT MY LIFE IS IN DANGER AND I NEED YOUR HELP.

THEN MY HELP YOU MUST HAVE.

ARMANDO WILL RETURN TO SIGN YOUR BOOKS AND YOUR BOOBIES LATER.

BUT, FOR NOW, ARMANDO MUST GO.

FOR, I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER.

THAT IS MY GIFT, THAT IS MY CURSE.

AWW... AWW... AWW...

LET'S GO. OOH !

LEONARD ?

STRIPPERELLA ?

HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME ?

OH, UH, I HEARD HER SAY IT.

WAIT A MINUTE...

HOW DOESSHE KNOW MY NAME ?

( Stroganoff ) BASED ON OUR PREVIOUS SURVEILLANCE

OF QUEEN CLITORIS,

WE KNOW THAT SHE FREQUENTS ARMANDO'S WEBSITE.

I AM PLACING A MESSAGE TO QUEEN CLITORIS ON YOUR SITE,

SAYING THAT YOU WANT TO MAKE MAD PASSIONATE WHOOPIE TO HER.

NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS WAIT FOR HER TO RESPOND.

ARMANDO, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING US.

IF ANYONE CAN HANDLE CLITORIS, IT'S ME.

HEY, MAYBE WHEN I'M DONE HANDLING HER,

I WILL HANDLE YOU, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...

OOH...

♪ STRIPPERELLA AND ARMANDO SITTING IN A TREE ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G, FIRST COMES--

QUIT IT !

K-I-S... COOKING ?

BINGO !

CLITORIS HAS RESPONDED !

SHE WANTS ARMANDO TO MEET HER TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT

AT A BAR CALLED "THE WET SPOT."

THE WET SPOT ?

THE WET SPOT...

IT'S A LITTLE HOLE IN THE WALL,

AT THE CORNER OF CANAL STREET AND BUSH DRIVE,

IT'S IN THE MEAT PACKING DISTRICT.

ARMANDO KNOWS WHERE THE WET SPOT IS.

I CAN SMELL CLITORIS RIGHT ON OUR FINGERTIPS.

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, FEELING SICK ?

( man ) TAKE TWO ASS-PIRIN AND CALL HER IN THE MORNING.

HERE'S CAT.

( wolf whistle )

( wolf whistle )

( wolf whistle )

( wolf whistle )

( wolf whistle )

AND SO, WHENEVER I'M STRESSED,

I JUST SQUEEZE THESE BALLS AND I FEEL BETTER.

THESE TWO ARE JUST TESTIES.

I HAVE SO MANY RESPONSES TO THAT

I'M JUST NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING.

WELL, EROTICA,

I TOOK YOUR ADVICE ABOUT ASKING SOMEONE OUT AT WORK.

I ASKED PERSEPHONE TO GO WITH ME TO THE HORROR FEST ON FRIDAY.

OH...

PERSEPHONE IS THE GIRL YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT AT WORK.

I KNEW THAT.

SHE SAID NO.

WOW, I DON'T THINK PERSEPHONE'S EVER SAID NO TO A GUY.

GET THIS, AFTER ALL THAT

SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN DATING PEOPLE AT WORK.

THAT'S GREAT !

IT IS ? NO...

I REALLY WANTED TO GO TO THAT HORROR FEST.

HEY, HEY YOU WANTED TO GO TO THE HORROR FEST, TOO !

I SURE DO !

EROTICA, WHAT DO YOU SAY THE TWO OF US...

YEAH...

GET A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TOGETHER FROM WORK AND WE'LL ALL GO !

I'D LOVE TO !...

GO WITH EVERYONE.

( beeping & vibrating )

OH, IT'S THE CHIEF--

I MEAN, THE CHEF.

WHAT IS IT, CHIEF ?

THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT CHANGE IN PLANS.

CLITORIS SWITCHED THE MEETING WITH ARMANDO

FROM MIDNIGHT TO 10:00.

10:00 ?

THAT'S ONLY TWO MINUTES FROM NOW.

I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE CALLED YOU SIX HOURS AGO

WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT,

BUT I WAS WATCHING THE D.V.D. OF "BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY."

IT'S GOT OVER SIX HOURS OF DELETED SCENES.

DID YOU KNOW THAT RENEE ZELLWEGER

GAINED 475 POUNDS TO PLAY THE PART OF--

QUEEN CLITORIS ?

ARMANDO, MY LOVE...

GEWW...

EWW...

I MEAN-- OH, BABY, YOU ARE JUST LIKE I REMEMBER YOU.

YOU ARE SO SEXY...ISH.

COME, JOIN ME.

CHAMPAGNE, MY LOVE ?

OH GOD, YES.

( chug-a-lugging )

KISS ME, YOU LATIN HUNK.

UHH...

STRIPPERELLA, MY BABY !

OH, HELP STRIPPERELLA, MY BABY !

MY BABY IS STUCK IN THAT MAILBOX !

I MEANT TO MAIL THIS PACKAGE AND I GOT CONFUSED AND--

OKAY, I'LL SAVE YOUR BABY.

BUT I'M IN A HURRY.

ARMANDO, YOU SEEM DISTRACTED.

ONLY BY YOUR, UH...

BEAUTY ?

LET'S GO BACK TO MY SECRET EVIL LAIR.

MAYBE WE SHOULD LINGER HERE FOR A LITTLE-- AAH !

( baby chatter )

OH !

OH, HONEY !

ONE OTHER THING, THERE WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING

AND I WROTE A LETTER TO MY BOSS CALLING HIM A "BIG, FAT IDIOT"

AND I NEED IT BACK OR I'LL BE FIRED.

CAN YOU HELP ME FIND IT IN THERE ?

NO !

WELL, THANKS FOR NOTHING !

ARMANDO ?

STRIPPERELLA, I GOT HERE AS SOON AS I COULD.

THEY'RE NOT HERE, WE MISSED THEM !

ARMANDO'S LATIN, HUNKY LIFE IS IN DANGER

AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT !

NOT TO WORRY.

WE REPLACED ARMANDO'S KIDNEY WITH A TRACKING DEVICE.

HIS KIDNEY ?

YOU COULDN'T HAVE JUST TAPED SOMETHING TO HIS BODY

OR PUT SOMETHING IN HIS POCKET ?

HE ALREADY HAD STUFF IN HIS POCKETS.

NOW, QUIT WASTING TIME.

GO SAVE ARMANDO AND LICK CLITORIS ONCE AND FOR ALL !

( woman on navigator ) Continue in the straight direction.

Take a left at the next right.

Ahead, you will find a bushy hole.

Armando is around here, somewhere.

ARMANDO'S GOTTA BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

HE MUST BE INSIDE THIS BUSHY TUNNEL.

MMM, THAT WAS GREAT.

LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

IS NOT THREE TIMES ENOUGH ?

I SAID LET'S DO IT AGAIN !

( Stripperella ) YOU'LL BE DOING NOTHING AGAIN !

STRIPPERELLA !

STRIPPERELLA GET ME OUT OF HERE !

GET YOU OUT OF HERE ?

ARMANDO, I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING...

NO, IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE TO BE UP EARLY FOR WORK TOMORROW.

I'LL CALL YOU... I PROMISE.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY.

YOU JUST WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME,

AND NOW YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME !

I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE THE SEX WITH YOU, TRUST ME.

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO CHOICES, CLITORIS.

YOU CAN EITHER COME QUIETLY,

OR COME SCREAMING AFTER I WORK YOU OVER.

I'M NOT COMING AT ALL.

I THINK I'LL CHOOSE OPTION NUMBER THREE.

THAT'S THE ONE WHERE I KILL YOU BOTH !

( screams like a woman )

SHE'S GOT A GUN, SHE'S GOT A GUN !

GET OVER THERE BY STRIPPERELLA.

( whimpering )

LET'S SEE, WHO SHOULD I SHOOT FIRST ?

( thinking ) DON'T STRESS, STRIPPERELLA, JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

OH, I WISH I HAD MY STRESS BALLS...

SORRY, ARMANDO.

( crunching )

GAAAH !!!

OOHHH !!!

OH, I FEEL MUCH BETTER.

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT ?

HAH !

IT WAS ABOUT CREATING A DIVERSION.

NOW IT'S TIME TO GO DOWNTOWN, CLITORIS.

( groaning )

( high-pitched voice ) CAN SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR ?

PREFERABLY A SEXY FEMALE DOCTOR ?

EXCUSE ME, I KNOW WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE,

BUT DO YOU KNOW IF THERE'S BATHROOM AROUND HERE ?

UH-HUH...

ISN'T THAT THE ABANDONED INSANE ASYLUM

WHERE ALL THOSE KIDS WERE MURDERED 10 YEARS AGO

THIS VERY NIGHT ?

YEAH...

WELL, WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO.

LEONARD, PLEASE... NOT SO TIGHT.

( door creaks open in movie )

OH, DON'T GO IN THERE !

DON'T GO IN THERE !

( woman in movie ) Ahhh !

OH, SHE WENT IN THERE...

I'M REALLY GLAD WE DID THIS.

ME, TOO.

Ahhh !

( splat )

♪ Stripperella ♪

♪ Stripperella ♪