Original subtitles

SO WHEN I'M NOT VOLUNTEERING AT THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL,

I'M TRAVELING AROUND THE WORLD,

CRUSADING FOR ANIMAL RIGHTS AND WORLD PEACE.

( Stripperella thinking ) HE'S SO PERFECT AND HANDSOME.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING STUPID, DON'T SAY ANYTHING STUPID.

I LIKE LETTUCE.

LETTUCE IS... NICE.

OH !

OOH, I'M SORRY, I'M JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I DON'T GET TO DATE MUCH, STRIPPER'S HOURS.

IT'S GREAT YOU'RE SO HONEST ABOUT WHAT YOU DO.

I'VE DATED GIRLS IN THE PAST WHO KEPT A LOT OF SECRETS.

IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THEY WERE LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE.

OH, REALLY ?

THIS IS A ROBBERY !

YOU, GET ME ALL THE MONEY FROM THE REGISTER.

AND YOU, GET ME THE CHICKEN CORDON BLEU

AND THE CAESAR SALAD, NO CROUTONS.

AND IF I COULD GET THE DRESSING ON THE SIDE,

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

OH, NO !

THE RESTAURANT'S BEING ROBBED.

EROTICA ?

( zipper zipping )

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A SIDE OF ASS-KICKING

TO GO WITH YOUR ROBBERY ?

STRIPPERELLA ? OH, NO, IT'S A-- TAMPON ?

A TAMPON...

DAGGER !

OH, SHISH !

WHOA !

( screaming ) IT BURNS !

MAKE IT STOP !

OKAY, HA !

THAT OUGHTA HOLD YOU 'TIL THE POLICE ARRIVE.

NOW, I'VE GOT A DATE TO GET BACK TO.

I MEAN, NO, I DON'T.

( zipper zipping again )

EROTICA, YOU MISSED IT, THE PLACE WAS ROBBED.

STRIPPERELLA WAS HERE, WHERE DID YOU GO ?

OH, UH, I HAD TO PUT MONEY IN THE METER.

BUT WE VALET PARKED.

OH, RIGHT, NOW, WHERE WERE WE ?

I WAS SAYING HOW GREAT IT IS THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS SO HONEST.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S ME, NO SECRETS HERE.

HELP !

IT'S FIRE ! FIRE !

( screaming )

I HAVE TO GO PUT MORE MONEY IN THE METER !

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

( organ playing "Bridal March" )

( people screaming )

HEY, YOU'RE NOT MY BRIDE !

THAT'S RIGHT ! I'M NEVER THE BRIDE !

I'M ALWAYS THE BRIDESMAID !

WHAT DO YOU WANT ?

I WANNA GET MARRIED !

BUT IF I CAN'T, THEN, NO ONE WILL.

YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDESMAID !

AAAHHHHH...

( people screaming )

( man ) AHOY, MATES !

FEAST YOUR GOOD EYE ON THE GLORIOUS TREASURE CHEST OF

GISELLE !

( man whistling )

( screaming )

ARRGHH !

OOHHHH !

ARRRH !

OH, I'M GLAD SHE DOESN'T DO

HER CHAINSAW JUGGLING ROUTINE ANYMORE !

OH, PLEASE BE GAY, PLEASE BE GAY,

PLEASE BE GAY, PLEASE BE GAY !

EROTICA ?

JAMES !

WHAT A SURPRISE !

LEONARD, THIS IS THE GUY I'VE BEEN DATING.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GONNA GO TAKE A COLD SHOWER.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

I JUST FINISHED MY POETRY WORKSHOP,

AND I HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO KILL

BEFORE I GO TO THE HOMELESS SHELTER

TO HAND OUT FOOD.

SO, I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY AND SAY HI.

MAYBE TONIGHT WE CAN GET TOGETHER AT MY PLACE

AND WATCH SOME MOVIES.

AS LONG AS IT'S A ROMANTIC COMEDY.

( buzzing )

OH, THAT MUST BE MY BELLY-- UH--

THAT'S MY PAGER... OH, I FORGOT,

I'M SUPPOSED TO DROP OFF TOYS AT THE ORPHANAGE

ON THE WAY TO THE HOMELESS SHELTER !

I'D BETTER GO.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

WOW !

HE'S CUTER THAN A JUNE BUG IN A CACKLE BUSH !

HE'S SO ROMANTIC.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D MEET ANYONE LIKE HIM.

I JUST WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO LIE TO HIM ALL THE TIME.

LIE TO HIM ABOUT WHAT ?

OH, UH, I TOLD HIM THAT I USED TO BE A MAN.

OH, YOU SHOULD TELL HIM THE TRUTH !

HE'LL STILL LIKE YOU,

EVEN IF HE FINDS OUT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN A MAN !

OH, I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.

I REALLY THINK HE MIGHT BE THE ONE.

I THINK I'LL STEAL HIM FROM YOU.

HUH ?

WHAT ? I'M A BITCH, REMEMBER ?

OH, YEAH. RIGHT.

( door opening and closing )

CHIEF STROGANOFF, AGENT 69, REPORTING FOR DUTY.

UH, CHIEF, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

I'M JUST TAKING SOME SEXY BOUDOIR PHOTOGRAPHS

TO SURPRISE THE WIFE WITH ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

BUT VALENTINE'S DAY WAS TWO MONTHS AGO.

RIGHT... THANK GOD I'M NOT MARRIED.

I THINK WE'RE DONE FOR TODAY, LING.

SEE YOU TOMORROW, SAME TIME.

SO, WHAT'S GOING ON ?

IT'S NOT WHAT'S GOING ON,

IT'S WHAT'S NOT GOING ON THAT'S GOING ON.

GROOMS ALL ACROSS THE CITY

HAVE BEEN VANISHING ON THEIR WEDDING DAY.

COLD FEET ?

NO, BUT MY ASS IS FREEZING, DAMN METAL CHAIR.

I MEAN, THE GROOMS.

MAYBE THEY JUST GOT PRE-WEDDING JITTERS.

THESE MEN DIDN'T JUST DISAPPEAR.

THEY WERE ABDUCTED

BY SOMEONE CALLING HERSELF "THE BRIDESMAID".

UGH ! THAT DRESS IS HIDEOUS !

YES.

POLYESTER IS SO PASS￩.

NOW, HERE, TAKE THESE WEDDING VIDEOS.

THERE MIGHT BE SOME CLUES IN THERE

TO HELP US FIGURE OUT WHERE "THE BRIDESMAID"

IS GOING TO STRIKE NEXT.

( woman crying )

OH, MY BABY BOY IS GETTING MARRIED !

THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE !

( crowd gasping )

TIME TO LIVE HAPPILY NEVERAFTER !

( crowd screaming )

NOW, THIS IS THE SADDEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE !

( clapping and cheering )

HUH ?

TO HOLD, AND BLAH, BLAH-- OH, JUST KISS THE BRIDE !

( grunting )

( rewinding )

THESE WEDDINGS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL !

WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE PART

WHERE THE GROOMS ALL GET ABDUCTED.

( blowing nose )

WAIT A MINUTE, THE GROOMS' LAST NAMES.

BAKER, RICHARDS, IKINAWA, DEGBERT.

B-R-I-D...

( gasping ) SHE'S SPELLING "BRIDESMAID" !

THAT MEANS HER NEXT VICTIM IS AN "E" !

WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS, HERE WE GO.

NO...

NO...

"EMERSON".

THE EMERSON WEDDING, TODAY, AT SIX !

OH, NO, I ONLY HAVE 15 MINUTES !

IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE HERE, OZZY.

OTHERWISE, I WOULD HAVE NO REASON

TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING OUT LOUD.

ONLY 10 MINUTES TO GO !

DARN !

DOUBLE DARN !

( brakes squealing )

NOW, THIS IS JUST GETTING RIDICULOUS.

( man ) DO YOU PROMISE TO BE FAITHFUL TO YOUR WIFE,

TO NEVER AGAIN KNOW ANOTHER WOMAN'S TOUCH ?

TO NEVER AGAIN EXPERIENCE THE JOY OF SEXUAL INTIMACY

WITH ANYONE NEW OR DIFFERENT OR MORE ADVENTUROUS,

OR YOUNGER,

UNTIL SWEET DEATH RELEASES YOU FROM THIS VOW ?

UH...

I-- I--

( The Bridesmaid ) DON'T !

( gasping )

WHY DON'T YOU SMELL MY LOVELY FLOWERS ?

( moaning )

DROP THAT GROOM, BRIDESMAID !

I DON'T THINK SO !

I'VE GOT EXPLODING RICE,

AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO THROW IT !

DON'T YOU KNOW NOT TO THROW RICE AT WEDDINGS ?

BIRDS EAT IT AND THEY DIE !

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE BIRDSEED !

I'M SORRY, BUT THEY WERE ALL OUT OF EXPLODING BIRDSEED.

HA !

( people screaming )

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU FOOT IN FACE !

YOU MAY KICK THE BRIDE !

DO YOU LIKE MY BOUQUET ?

STRIPPERELLA, LOOK OUT !

THOSE FLOWERS ARE...

NEVER MIND.

( laughing )

( man on television ) And, so, Stripperella completely and utterly failed

to stop the evil grooms-napper

we've come to know as "The Bridesmaid".

Due to Stripperella's humiliating ineptitude,

couples everywhere are canceling their weddings in fear.

NEXT UP, MY COLONOSCOPY VIDEO,

AN INTRIGUING TRIP DEEP INSIDE MY ASS.

HEY, I WANTED TO SEE THAT !

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LASSIE ?

YOU LOOK SADDER THAN A PAIR OF OLD BAGPIPES.

I JUST HATE COLONOSCOPY VIDEOS.

( buzzing )

PERSEPHONE, HOW COME I NEVER NOTICED

YOU HAVE A SCOTTISH ACCENT BEFORE ?

I DON'T.

AGENT 69, HERE, WHAT'S UP ?

We've figured out the identity of The Bridesmaid.

Her name is Molly Lumpkin.

She was a bridesmaid at over 35 weddings

last year, alone.

THAT POOR GIRL !

THAT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ANYONE SNAP !

We need to find out where she's keeping those grooms.

She may be planning on killing them... or worse.

WHAT'S WORSE THAN KILLING THEM ?

She may actually marry them.

UH, CHIEF ?

I DON'T THINK THAT'S WORSE THAN KILLING.

Clearly, you've never been married.

I THINK I KNOW HOW TO FIND HER.

CHIEF, IT'S TIME FOR US TO HAVE A WEDDING.

I'm sorry, Erotica, but you're not my type.

NO, NO !

WE'LL STAGE A FAKE WEDDING TO LURE THE BRIDESMAID.

Great idea.

THEN IT'S OFFICIAL.

THIS SUNDAY, I'M GETTING MARRIED !

OH GOD, YEAH...

THE BRIDESMAID ONLY NEEDS ONE MORE LETTER

AND HER COLLECTION OF GROOMS WILL BE COMPLETE !

THIS WEDDING IS OUR LAST CHANCE TO STOP HER !

WE'VE MADE SOME MODIFICATIONS TO YOUR WEDDING DRESS

THAT SHOULD HELP YOU.

WE'VE INSTALLED A PAIR OF HIGH-POWERED FLASHLIGHTS

INSIDE YOUR BUSTIER.

YOUR WEDDING VEIL IS ALSO A GAS MASK.

AND WE'RE ABOUT TO GIVE YOU AN S.T.D.

A WHAT ?

S.T.D.

SECRET TRACKING DEVICE.

AH...

YES, WE CALL IT "THE CLAP".

BECAUSE IN ORDER TO ACTIVATE IT,

YOU HAVE TO CLAP.

( beeping )

I'VE DREAMT ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL !

EXCEPT, IN MY DREAM, IT WASN'T FAKE

AND I WASN'T MARRYING SPECIAL AGENT 14.

DON'T WORRY, STRIPPERELLA, I WON'T LET YOU DOWN !

ESPECIALLY, ON OUR FAKE HONEYMOON.

I DON'T SEE WHY HE GETS TO MARRY HER.

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO MARRY HER.

WHAT ?!

I TOTALLY SHOULD BE MARRYING HER.

OH, LIKE SHE'D REALLY MARRY YOU, GEEK.

SPAZ ! VIRGIN !

( gasping )

I TOLD YOU THAT IN STRICT CONFIDENCE.

( James ) EROTICA ?

WE NEED TO TALK.

JAMES, WHAT'S WRONG ?

I KNOW ABOUT MR. "D".

I FOUND THIS WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE PAPER.

I KNOW THIS LOOKS BAD, BUT TRUST ME,

I'M NOT REALLY GETTING MARRIED.

HUH ?

( all ) SURPRISE !

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE ?

WELL, I OVERHEARD YOU ON THE PHONE

TALKING ABOUT YOUR WEDDING, SO I TOLD EVERYONE !

YOU DIDN'T THINK WE WERE GOING LET YOU GET MARRIED

WITHOUT THROWING YOU A BACHELORETTE PARTY,

DID YOU ?

( laughing ) YOU TWO ARE SUCH A PERFECT COUPLE.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, TOO.

BUT THAT'S BEFORE I FOUND OUT THAT TOMORROW

EROTICA'S MARRYING ANOTHER MAN !

JAMES, THERE'S A GOOD EXPLANATION

FOR ALL OF THIS.

I'M JUST NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

GOODBYE, EROTICA.

BUT, JAMES, WAIT !

( chuckling ) HEY, THIS PARTY'S TURNING OUT BETTER THAN I THOUGHT !

I KNOW WHAT WILL CHEER YOU UP !

I MADE YOU A CAKE IN THE SHAPE OF ANTHONY HOPKINS' BUTT !

THE HAIR IS CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES.

( The Bridesmaid ) SO, THEN, I WAS THINKING, A SIMPLE SHEER SATIN GOWN

WITH A DRAMATIC "V" DOWN THE BACK.

( giggling ) AND INSTEAD OF A VEIL, I--

LOOK, IF YOU'RE GONNA KILL US, PLEASE DO IT NOW !

THIS IS HELL !

WHAT DO YOU WANT ?!

WHAT DO IWANT ?!

I JUST WANNA GET MARRIED BEFORE I'M 40 !

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK ?!

I'VE BEEN IN 226 WEDDINGS AND NOT ONE OF THEM WAS MINE.

BUT THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE.

YOU'VE ALL SHOWN THAT YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF COMMITMENT.

YOU'RE ALL STILL SINGLE AND YOU ALL OWN TUXES !

MINE'S A RENTAL.

AND, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT SINGLE.

YOU ABDUCTED ME FROM MY RECEPTION.

SHUT UP !

NOW, ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO MARRY ME,

AND THE REST OF YOU ARE GOING TO BE KILLED WITH THIS !

AN ENGAGEMENT RING/DEADLY LASER.

ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE.

SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE.

I DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU !

PREPARE TO DIE !

OH, RIGHT, KILL THE BLACK GUY FIRST.

THAT'S ORIGINAL.

NO, NO, REALLY, THAT'S NOT THE REASON.

IT WAS PURE CHANCE.

YEAH, WHATEVER.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AND GET YOURSELF A NICE WHITE HOOD

TO GO WITH THAT WEDDING DRESS, RACIST ?

NO, NO, I'M NOT A RACIST, OKAY ?

HEY, GUESS WHAT ? I'LL PROVE IT.

I'LL KILL SOMEONE ELSE !

YOU ! PREPARE TO DIE.

YOU KNOW, I JUST REMEMBERED, I AM 1/4 AMERICAN INDIAN.

DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH AT YOUR HANDS, WHITEY ?

JEWISH !

GAY.

ESKIMO.

COME ON, BRIDESMAID, SHOW YOUR FACE.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

( spraying )

COME ON, EROTICA.

THE PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING A SHOW !

LET'S MAKE IT LOOK GOOD, HUH ?

( people gasping )

( banging on glass )

EROTICA, EROTICA !

( grunting )

OH, RIGHT, THANKS.

JAMES ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?!

I REALIZED I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE YOU !

I CAN'T LET YOU MARRY THAT MAN !

OH, JAMES ! THAT'S SO ROMANTIC !

THIS IS LIKE A FAIRYTALE !

WITH A HAPPY ENDING FORME!

CAN'T BREATHE... LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS.

TALKING TO... MYSELF.

SHE'S GETTING AWAY !

I STILL HAVE "THE CLAP" !

YOU HAVE THE CLAP ?

NO ! IT'S AN S.T.D. !

I HAVE THE CLAP, TOO !

I'VE BEEN TOO AFRAID TO ADMIT IT BEFORE NOW,

BUT THANKS TO EROTICA'S COURAGE,

I CAN !

BY THE WAY, HONEY, YOU PROBABLY HAVE IT, TOO !

( car horn playing bridal march )

COME ON, S.T.D. ! DO YOUR THING !

( grunting )

( beeping )

GET READY, BRIDESMAID, 'CAUSE HERE COMES THE BRIDE !

I'VE GOT THE PRIEST, I'VE GOT THE GROOMS.

WHO'S READY TO GET MARRIED ?

ME ! ME ! ME !

I DON'T WANNA DIE, ME !

OKAY, GROOM NUMBER ONE,

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS MY BEST QUALITY ?

UH, YOUR EYES ?

EYES ? MY EYES ?!

NO, IT'S MY FRIGGIN' BIG HEART, YOU JACKASS !

I'M A VERY SWEET PERSON, EVERYBODY SAYS SO !

( zapping )

GROOM NUMBER TWO...

( beeping )

GOTCHA !

ALL RIGHT, BRIDESMAID,

WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE GROOMS ?

I AM NOT THE BRIDESMAID !

I AM THE EVIL FRENCH MAID !

THE BRIDESMAID IS ONE ROOM OVER.

WE SPLIT THE RENT, IT KEEPS THINGS AFFORDABLE.

OH, SORRY.

NOW, TIME FOR THE MOP !

WHERE AM I ?

I'M ASKING THE QUESTION,S HERE !

AND YOU'D BETTER THINK CAREFULLY

BECAUSE YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON YOUR ANSWER !

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT ME,

WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY ?

HI-YA !

HOW INCREDIBLY CONVENIENT ! WE'RE FREE !

( grunting )

SORRY, STRIPPERELLA, BUT I'M GETTING MARRIED !

AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME !

( men screaming )

ALL RIGHT, PREACHER, START MARRYING !

( muffled speaking )

SAY "I DO" ! BUT--

DO YOU WANNA LIVE ?!

I DO !

( muffled speaking )

THIS IS IT, FINALLY !

I OBJECT !

( grunting and screaming )

GOODBYE, STRIPPERELLA !

( car horn playing bridal march )

( dying out )

SHE'S ALL YOURS, BOYS.

UH, STRIPPERELLA ?

YOUR HEADLIGHTS ARE ON.

THANKS.

STRIPPERELLA, YOU SAVED ME !

IT WAS NOTHING, JAMES--

UH, IF THAT'S YOUR NAME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS.

IT IS.

YOU WERE AMAZING !

WELL, THANKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT ? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( unzipping )

JAMES, ARE YOU OKAY ?

I'M FINE, EROTICA.

LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I PROMISE, NO MORE SECRET WEDDINGS.

I'M SORRY, EROTICA, BUT I MET SOMEONE ELSE.

WHAT ?!

I DON'T MEAN TO HURT YOU.

SHE JUST SORT OF CAME CRASHING INTO MY LIFE.

I DIDN'T PLAN IT,

BUT I WOULDN'T BE HONEST WITH MYSELF OR YOU,

IF I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT I'LL NEVER LOVE ANOTHER WOMAN

AS MUCH AS I LOVE...

STRIPPERELLA.

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, SEE, STRIPPERELLA IS--

IS WHAT ?

IS... IS GREAT, I UNDERSTAND.

I GUESS I CAN NEVER BE THE WOMAN SHE IS.

IF IT MEANS ANYTHING,

IF SOMETHING WERE TO EVER HAPPEN TO STRIPPERELLA,

IF SHE WERE KILLED OR HORRIBLY DISFIGURED

OR DIDN'T AGE WELL,

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY SECOND CHOICE.

THANKS ?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS THAT WE HAVE READ TO YOU ?

I DO.

YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID.

WE ALL WANNA FIND TRUE LOVE.

ACTUALLY, I WANTED TO GET MARRIED

SO I COULD TAKE OUT A HUGE LIFE INSURANCE POLICY

ON MY HUSBAND, HAVE HIM KILLED,

AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN BARBADOS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE EROTICA GOT DIVORCED SO QUICKLY !

I HOPE ME SLEEPING WITH HER HUSBAND

HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

YOU SLEPT WITH MR. "D" ?

SHAME ON YOU !

WELL, AT LEAST SHE'S GETTING SOME GOOD USE

OUT OF HER WEDDING DRESS !

( bridal march playing )

( whistling )

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪♪