Original subtitles

LOVELY DAY FOR A COMPUTER CRASH.

( laughing )

( screaming )

( laughing )

IF IT CAN BE CONTROLLED BY A COMPUTER,

IT CAN BE CONTROLLED BY ME, QUEEN CLITORIS !

( laughing )

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

( whistling )

OOH, BABY, LOOK AT HER !

( cheering )

( screaming )

WHOA !

( cheering )

( cheers and applause )

THAT WAS GREAT, EROTICA !

ONE TIME, BACK IN MY HOMETOWN

OF CAMELTOE, MISSOURI,

I WAS TRYING TO DANCE

INSIDE A GIANT GLASS OF SCOTCH,

BUT IT WAS ON THE ROCKS, AND I SLIPPED AND HIT MY HEAD !

LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY, I'VE GOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU, WE'RE CLOSING TOMORROW,

FOR A PRIVATE PARTY.

IT'S A KIDS' PARTY,

SO YOU GUYS MIGHT WANNA WORK OUT SOME DANCE ROUTINES

THAT ARE A LITTLE MORE FAMILY FRIENDLY.

HEY, IT'S NOT A KIDS' PARTY !

IT'S A PARTY FOR KID ROCK !

KID ROCK ?

TUMBLIN' TUMBLEWEEDS !

I LOVE KID ROCK !

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA MEET HIM !

DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE WITH PAM ANDERSON ?

I REALLY WANNA MEET HER.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY I LOOK LIKE HER !

( beeping )

OH, NO, MY BELLY RING'S VIBRATING !

I MEAN, I HAVE TO GO.

MY AUNT IS SICK IN THE HOSPITAL.

CHIEF STROGANOFF, WHAT IS IT ?

We've got a problem.

TIME TO UTILIZE MY COMPUTER TRAIN-ING.

( laughter )

( screaming )

THIS JOB SUCKS.

NOTHING EXCITING EVER HAPPENS HERE... TRAIN !!

( screaming )

Hello, this is your friendly neighborhood cyber-villain,

Queen Clitoris !

I hope you're enjoying all this chaos,

because I'm just getting started.

That is, unless you meet my demands.

I want $1 million in unmarked bills,

and I want another million in marked bills.

Also, I would like some yogurt, bug repellent,

a VCR, oh, the new Mariah Carey CD,

some candles and a gift basket fromBed and Bobble works,

and, oh, yes,

I would like all these to be delivered to me

by the world's most passionate Latin lover, Armando !

SHE'S INSANE !

BUT SHE'S GOT GREAT TASTE IN MEN.

I'm Margo Van Winkle.

Coming up at the top of the hour,

a dog that thinks it's a cat.

( chuckling )

But, first, the entire world is being held hostage

by cyber-villain Queen Clitoris.

She's demanded

that the world's greatest lover, Armando,

deliver $2 million,

and some random assorted crap.

Until then, all the world's computers

have been rendered useless.

Skip Withers has more on the story, Skip ?

So, I don't know whether they're genital warts or--

Skip !

WE'RE ON, THANK YOU, MARGO.

ARMANDO'S ABOUT TO BOARD THE PLANE,

LET'S HEAR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY.

ARMANDO MUST GO TO QUEEN CLITORIS.

IF NEED BE, I WILL MAKE MAD, PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER.

I WILL RAVAGE HER BODY LIKE A WILD BOAR.

FOR I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER.

THAT IS MY GIFT, THAT IS MY CURSE.

( Skip Withers ) WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE WORLD WILL ONCE AGAIN BE SAFE,

THANKS TO BRAVE LATIN HUNK, ARMANDO.

We can't thank him enough,

and I mean this in a purely heterosexual way,

when I say that tonight,

even I feel like making hot sweaty man-love to Armando.

HAS KID ROCK GOTTEN HERE YET ?

WHAT TIME IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ?

IS THE PARTY STILL ON ?

WHERE'S KID ROCK ?

RELAX !

I'M SURE HE'LL BE HERE SOON !

OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET HIM !

I HOPE PAM ANDERSON IS WITH HIM.

I REALLY WANNA MEET PAM.

( beeping )

OH, MAN, OH, I GOTTA GO !

MY UNCLE IS IN THE HOSPITAL.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR AUNT'S IN THE HOSPITAL.

SHE IS-- UH, VISITING MY UNCLE.

NOW, OH, DON'T LET KID ROCK LEAVE BEFORE I GET BACK !

EXCUSE ME, THIS IS THE "TENDER LOINS", RIGHT ?

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THROWING A PARTY HERE ?

OH, HELLO, WELCOME !

YOU MUST BE THE PROUD PARENTS.

LET ME JUST GO OVER A FEW RULES.

THIS AREA HERE, OFF LIMITS.

NO RUNNING, NO GUM--

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, RULES, GREAT, WHATEVER.

LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED !

( cheering )

( screeching )

TAKE WHAT YOU WANT, JUST DON'T HURT ME !

AND, FOR THE RECORD, YOUR TIPS ARE APPRECIATED, OHH.

CHIEF STROGANOFF,

AGENT 69, REPORTING FOR DUTY.

STRIPPERELLA, WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK ?

THIS STUFF IS GREAT.

UH, SIR, THAT'S NOT REALLY A BEVERAGE, PER SE.

IT'S A LAXATIVE.

RIGHT... THANK GOD I'M WEARING A DIAPER.

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

STRIPPERELLA, I WANT YOU TO GO AFTER QUEEN CLITORIS.

SPECIAL AGENT 14 IS ON THE COMPUTER RIGHT NOW,

TRYING TO TRACK HER DOWN.

HI, STRIPPERELLA !

I'M HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING CLITORIS.

SHE'S VERY ELUSIVE.

YOU KNOW, SOME MEN THINK THAT CLITORIS DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

WELL, WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT HER ?

WE KNOW THAT CLITORIS IS EXTREMELY SENSITIVE.

THAT'S WHY IT'S CRUCIAL

THAT CLITORIS IS NOT RUBBED THE WRONG WAY.

AND WE KNOW THAT SHE'S UP TO NO GOOD.

THAT'S WHY WE'VE PLANTED A WIRE ON ARMANDO.

WE'VE REPLACED HIS LEFT TESTICLE

WITH A MICROPHONE.

ISN'T THAT A LITTLE SEVERE ?

COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST REPLACED ONE OF HIS BUTTONS,

OR A CUFF LINK, PERHAPS ?

BUT WE REPLACED HIS TESTICLE.

LET'S LISTEN IN.

( Queen Clitoris ) I'm so glad we're together, my love.

OH, YES, MY DEAR.

YOU ARE SO... BEAUTIFUL ?

MAKE LOVE TO ME !

MAKE LOVE TO ME !

HELP ME !

NOW THAT WE'RE TOGETHER, WE DON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE !

WE COULD LIVE ON THIS ISLAND FOREVER !

FOREVER ?

SEE, NOW, ARMANDO HAS TOO MUCH LOVE FOR JUST ONE WOMAN.

BUT NOT IF THERE WAS ONLY ONE WOMAN LEFT IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

EXCUSE ME ?

WELL, NOW THAT I HAVE YOU HERE,

I'M PLANNING ON BLOWING UP THE REST OF THE WORLD !

( laughing )

I'VE HACKED INTO ALL THE GOVERNMENT'S COMPUTERS,

AND I CONTROL EVERY NUCLEAR WEAPON IN EXISTENCE !

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PUSH THIS BUTTON,

WHILE HOLDING DOWN ALT AND F3 AT THE SAME TIME,

THEN, I JUST LEFT CLICK ON THE MOUSE...

WAIT, DON'T CLICK IT !

I'M NOT GONNA CLICK IT YET.

I'M WAITING UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT,

AFTER THE SEASON FINALE OFSEX AND THE CITY.

I HAVE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS, I JUST LOVE THAT SHOW !

DID YOU SEE THE EPISODE

WHERE THE SLUTTY ONE SHOWED HER BOOBIES ?

SHUT UP AND ROMANCE ME !

( groaning )

OH, NO !

IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE FOUND THE TESTICULAR MICROPHONE !

OH, I HOPE ARMANDO IS OKAY.

I'M MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE FATE OF THE WORLD.

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING !

I DID IT, I DID IT !

YOU IDENTIFIED HER WHEREABOUTS ?

YOU'VE PINPOINTED HER LOCATION ?

THAT'S RIGHT, I FINGERED CLITORIS !

SHE LIVES ON A BUSHY ISLAND DOWN UNDER.

WE'LL MAKE ARRANGEMENTS

FOR YOU TO LEAVE RIGHT AWAY, STRIPPERELLA.

ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HER ISLAND,

IT'S ALSO INHABITED WITH GIANT CRABS.

OH, EW, GOD, I HATE CRABS !

AS LONG AS QUEEN CLITORIS IS FREE,

WE'RE ALL IN GREAT DANGER.

I'M IN GREAT DANGER.

YOU'RE IN GREAT DANGER.

PEOPLE NAMED STEVE ARE IN GREAT DANGER.

YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE HANDICAPPED MAN

WHO SELLS ORANGES

BY THE FREEWAY OFF-RAMP ?

HE'S IN GREAT DANGER.

JOCKEYS, MAGICIANS--

I GET IT, I GET IT.

THEY'RE IN DANGER, EVERYONE'S IN DANGER.

WHAT AN IDIOT.

( screaming )

OW ! OW !

QUIT IT !

YOU QUIT IT !

QUIT IT !

OH, HI, STRIPPERELLA.

HEY, STRIPPERELLA.

HAL, BERNARD, WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR ME TODAY ?

PERFUME ?

OH, NOT JUST ANY PERFUME, IT'S A FREEZING AGENT.

ANYTHING YOU SPRAY IT ON WILL FREEZE INSTANTLY.

PLUS, IT SMELLS GREAT.

WE LIKE TO CALL IT "BRR-FUME" !

HE LIKES TO CALL IT THAT, I THINK PUNS ARE STUPID.

SHUT UP !

YOU SHUT UP !

UH, GUYS, WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE ?

THESE ARE NIPPLE CUTTERS.

THEY CAN CUT THROUGH ANYTHING !

GLASS, METAL, PLASTIC.

THE NIPPLE CUTTERS ALSO COME WITH THIS NIPPLE SHARPENER,

AND THIS INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO.

THEY FIT RIGHT OVER THE NIPPLES.

HERE, LET ME HELP YOU PUT THEM ON.

THAT'S NOT FAIR !

I GET TO PUT THEM ON HER !

YOU GOT TO DO ARMANDO'S TESTICLE MICROPHONE.

I DIDN'T EVEN WANNA DO THAT.

FELLAS, I'LL PUT THESE ON MYSELF, OKAY ?

UH, ALL RIGHT.

SURE, WHATEVER.

( crashing )

HEY, YO, KID ROCK !

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE.

REMEMBER ME ?

OF COURSE I REMEMBER YOU.

EL PASO, 1998, YOU WERE IN ROW 6, SEAT 3.

YOU FLASHED ME, THEN I MET YOU BACKSTAGE.

WE WENT OUT TO THAT GREAT DONUT SHOP.

YOU BET ME I COULDN'T EAT 27 APPLE FRITTERS, BUT I DID.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT NIGHT.

YEAH !

I THINK YOU MIGHT BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILD.

HMM... I DON'T REMEMBER YOU.

( cheering )

OKAY, THIS IS NOT GOOD, I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

OH !

THAT'S ONE OF THOSE GIANT CRABS !

EW, OOH, I HATE CRABS !

OH !

( grunting )

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

I HATE CRABS !

AND NOW, I HAVE EVEN LESS TIME

THAN WHEN I SAID I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

( beeping )

Sorry to bother you

in the middle of your mission, Stripperella,

but there's one minor detail I forgot to tell you.

WHAT IS IT, CHIEF ?

Well, rather than risk Queen Clitoris blowing up the world,

we decided to go ahead and just blow up her island first.

Anyway, instead of having, say, 30 more minutes,

you have only 8 minutes to rescue Armando,

capture Queen Clitoris, and get off the island safely.

( beeping )

Oh, gotta run, Sex and the Cityis starting.

Well, good luck, Stripperella.

( groaning )

( Queen Clitoris ) ARMANDO, HURRY UP !

SEX AND THE CITY'SSTARTING, AND DON'T FORGET,

WHEN IT'S OVER, I'M GONNA BLOW UP THE WORLD !

HOW CAN I FORGET ?

HONEY, WHY DO YOU WANT TO BLOW UP THE WORLD ?

MY ENTIRE LIFE, I'VE BEEN NEGLECTED AND UNFULFILLED.

UNTIL I'VE HAD MY REVENGE,

I WILL NOT BE UN-UNFULFILLED !

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

NOW, SHH, THE SHOW'S STARTING.

I GOTTA GET IN THERE... MY NIPPLE CUTTERS !

THE REASON I LOVE THIS SHOW

IS THAT I CAN SEE A LITTLE OF MYSELF

IN EACH OF THE CHARACTERS !

I CAN SEE A LITTLE OF MYSELF

IN EACH OF THESE CHARACTERS, TOO,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN... HUH, HUH ?

I'M GONNA LICK YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL, CLITORIS !

WHO ARE YOU ?

I'M STRIPPERELLA, SUPERHERO-SLASH-SECRET AGENT.

SORRY, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOU.

LOOK, DON'T START WITH ME !

I JUST BEAT THE HECK OUT OF TWO GIANT CRABS,

AND I'M FEELING PRETTY CONFIDENT

THAT I CAN BEAT THE HECK OUTTA YOU, TOO.

YOU'LL BEAT THE HELL OUT OF NO ONE !

I SAID, "HECK".

EITHER WAY, YOU'RE NOT DOING IT !

LADIES, PLEASE, DON'T FIGHT OVER ME.

THERE IS ENOUGH ARMANDO FOR BOTH OF YOU !

HEE-YA !

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS HIT A FEW BUTTONS,

AND IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS YOU KNOW IT !

( laughing )

( grunting )

STUPID MOUSE !

COME ON, COME TO MAMA, UGH !

OH, I CAN'T DRIVE A STICK !

THAT'S NOT A STICK.

COME, BABY, YES, COME HERE...

( laughing )

( screaming )

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

( screaming )

STRIPPERELLA, YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

TO HAVE BEEN RESCUED

BY SUCH AN EXQUISITE WOMAN IS AN HONOR.

HOW CAN I REPAY YOU ?

OH, I'M SURE WE CAN THINK OF SOMETHING.

WE MIGHT BE STUCK IN THIS BOAT FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

WHATEVER SHALL WE DO TO PASS THE TIME ?

( Agent 14 ) Stripperella, Armando-- I rescued you !

Congratulations, you are saved !

OH, GOOD TIMING, SPECIAL AGENT 14.

NO, IT'S NOT, THAT WAS AWFUL TIMING.

I KNOW, I WAS BEING FACETIOUS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED THE PARTY !

I'LL NEVER GET TO MEET KID ROCK AND PAM ANDERSON !

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE JUST GONNA COME WALKING BACK IN

THROUGH THAT DOOR.

HAS ANYONE SEEN A MONKEY ?

I THINK I LEFT MY MONKEY IN HERE.

( squealing )

YOU'RE KID ROCK AND PAM ANDERSON !

OH, GOD, I WANTED TO MEET YOU SO BAD !

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA MEET YOU,

BUT THEN I HAD TO MISS THE PARTY,

SO I DIDN'T GET TO MEET YOU,

BUT NOW I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M MEETING YOU !

WOW, WE CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE MEETING YOU !

EROTICA... WILL YOU SIGN MY CD ?

YOU KNOW, PAM,

A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL ME I LOOK LIKE YOU.

HMM, I DON'T REALLY SEE A RESEMBLANCE.

ME NEITHER.

YOU KNOW WHO I THINK PAM LOOKS LIKE ?

STRIPPERELLA.

DON'T YOU THINK SHE LOOKS LIKE STRIPPERELLA ?

IF THEY EVER MAKE A STRIPPERELLA TV SHOW,

THEY SHOULD TOTALLY GET PAM TO PLAY HER.

HELP !

SOMEONE GET THIS MONKEY OFF MY FACE !

AH, THERE'S THE LITTLE FELLA.

COME HERE, MR. BOJANGLES.

YOU KNOW, WE ONLY HAVE THIS MONKEY

BECAUSE WE RESCUED IT FROM A COLLEGE LABORATORY.

WE'RE GONNA RETURN IT TO THE WILD, BECAUSE...

ALL ANIMALS ARE MEANT TO ROAM FREE,

IN THEIR NATURAL HABITATS.

IT WAS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

WE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT TIME, BYE-BYE.

COME BACK ANYTIME !

NO, NO, DON'T COME BACK !

NO MORE PRIVATE PARTIES !

AND ESPECIALLY, NO MORE FILTHY MONKEYS !

THEY'RE GERM CARRYING, DISEASE RIDDEN, AND--

( screaming )

HELP, SOMEONE GET THIS MONKEY OFF MY FACE !

OH, MONKEYS ARE SO CUTE.

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪♪