Original subtitles

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

( man ) THERE SHE IS, DAMN !

BETTER WATCH OUT !

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

DON'T YOU WORRY, KIDS, WE'LL FIND FLUFFER.

( crying )

EXCUSE ME, HI.

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE 100 COLOR COPIES.

FLUFFER IS MISSING,

AND, WELL, MY STEREOTYPICALLY WHITE-BREAD FAMILY IS--

WE'RE JUST WORRIED SICK !

( laughing quietly )

TRY THAT MACHINE, MACHINE NUMBER SIX.

THIS IS A ROBBERY.

( gunshots )

( screaming )

I CAN'T LET YOU ENTER WITHOUT I.D.

UNLESS I SEE SOME I.D.,

HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT LYING, HUH ?

( cheering )

HEY, PERSEPHONE, CAN YOU COVER MY SHIFT TOMORROW ?

PLEASE ?

BIG DATE ?

I WISH, TOMORROW'S AUGUST 9th.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD,

BUT AUGUST 9th'S ALWAYS BEEN A REALLY BAD DAY FOR ME.

I BET YOU HAVE AN INTERESTING STORY ABOUT THAT.

IN FACT, I DO.

IT STARTED WHEN I WAS IN THE THIRD GRADE.

SO, EROTICA, NOW THAT WE'RE GOING STEADY AND JUNK,

I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD START FOOLING AROUND.

BOBBY, I'M PLANNING ON SAVING MYSELF FOR THE MAN I MARRY.

LOOK, I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT KISSING,

NOT FULL INSERTION OR ANYTHING.

LISTEN, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO YOU.

I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS.

WHAT ?

BUT, BUT, EROTICA... I THOUGHT WE WERE IN LOVE.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE, YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME.

FINE, WHO NEEDS YOU ?!

I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THE DAY YOU BROKE MY HEART

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE !

WHAT'S TODAY'S DATE ?

AUGUST 9th.

GREAT !

I'M PUTTING A CURSE ON YOU.

EVERY AUGUST 9th FROM NOW ON,

YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST DAY EVER !

( sobbing )

THE WORST DAY EVER !

OH, COME ON !

YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME THAT CURSE ACTUALLY WORKED.

THE VERY NEXT YEAR, AUGUST 9th,

I GOT THE CHICKEN POX.

YEAR AFTER THAT, I BROKE MY FINGER PLAYING CHECKERS.

BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME ON AUGUST 9th.

WELL, I'LL COVER YOUR SHIFT, BUT I THINK YOU'RE CRAZY.

LOOK, EVERYBODY, POLICE CHASE !

OH, I LOVE POLICE CHASES, ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE POLICEMEN.

( woman ) If you're just tuning in, here's what we know.

The man the police have been following

has been identified as Milton Gibbs.

Allegedly, the chase began four hours ago,

after Milton allegedly robbed an alleged bank.

He just threw us out of the car and took off at an unsafe speed.

He normally doesn't rob banks

or lead the police on car chases.

He's a good, churchgoing, law-abiding, stereotypically

white-bread man.

I mean, he's only had sex twice !

HELLO ? GUYS ? BOOBIES A-JIGGLIN' ?

BOOBIES ? ANYONE ?

( sirens )

DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW YOU NEVER SEE EROTICA

AND STRIPPERELLA IN THE SAME PLACE, HMM ?

WHAT AN ODD AND COMPLETELY RANDOM THING TO SAY.

I MEAN, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE NEVER BEEN

IN THE SAME PLACE AS STRIPPERELLA.

WE HAVEN'T.

IT WAS JUST AN OBSERVATION.

EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING.

( phone ringing )

Good morning, Stripperella.

Sorry to call you on the Frisbee phone,

but your vibrating belly ring seems to be broken.

SIR, I TURNED OFF MY BELLY RING.

TODAY'S AUGUST 9th, REMEMBER ?

YOU SAID I COULD HAVE TODAY OFF.

I'M SORRY, I MUST'VE BEEN LYING.

Crime doesn't take the day off, and neither do we.

Now put on some clothes and get down here.

CHIEF STROGANOFF, AGENT 69 REPORTING FOR DUTY.

STRIPPERELLA, PICK UP THAT SLEDGEHAMMER

AND HIT ME IN THE GROIN.

EXCUSE ME ?

THE GUYS IN THE LAB HAVE DEVELOPED A CROTCH PROTECTOR

THAT'S IMPENETRABLE TO ANYTHING.

COME ON, SLEDGEHAMMER ME.

YES, SIR.

( screaming )

OH, THE PAIN, OH, MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP !!

OKAY, NOW HAND ME THE IMPENETRABLE

CROTCH PROTECTOR.

OH, CHIEF, SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE PUT THAT ON BEFORE I HIT YOU ?

RIGHT, RIGHT.

OH, THANK GOD I LOST MY TESTICLES IN THE WAR,

OR THAT WOULD HAVE REALLY HURT.

WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS UNRELATED FODDER.

THERE'S BEEN A RASH OF UNUSUAL CRIMES.

( Stroganoff ) IN EACH CASE, THE CRIME WAS COMMITTED

BY A USUALLY HARMLESS CITIZEN

WITH NO PREVIOUS CRIMINAL RECORD.

SORORITY GIRLS...

MEN OF THE CLOTH...

MIDGETS...

EVEN THE HANDICAPPED.

THE CRIMES ARE ALL BLATANT PUBLIC OFFENSES

WITH LOTS OF WITNESSES.

AND IN EACH CASE, THE LAWBREAKER CLAIMS

TO HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF HAVING COMMITTED THE CRIME.

SOUNDS LIKE WHAT HAPPENED

WITH THAT STEREOTYPICALLY WHITE-BREAD FAMILY MAN.

THE ONLY LEAD WE HAVE ARE THESE TWO PIECES OF PAPER

THAT WERE LEFT AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.

THAT POOR LITTLE CAT.

FLUFFER IS THE LEAST OF OUR WORRIES.

THE LAB GUYS RAN SOME TESTS ON THESE PAPERS.

WHY DON'T YOU RUN DOWN THERE AND SEE IF THEY'VE FOUND ANYTHING.

HI !

WOW, LOOK AT YOU !

MORNING, SUNSHINE.

STRIPPERELLA, WE'VE DEVELOPED THE FILM

FROM YOUR NIPPLE CAMERA.

I KNEW THE NIPPLE CAMERA WAS SMALL,

BUT I DIDN'T THINK THE PHOTOS WOULD TURN OUT SO SMALL.

THESE ARE THE ONLY PICTURES I HAVE OF MY COUSIN'S WEDDING.

SORRY, MAYBE WE CAN MAKE SOME ADJUSTMENTS.

I'M GONNA NEED TO SEE YOUR NIPPLES AGAIN.

WELL, MAYBE WE CAN GET THEM ENLARGED.

THE PHOTOS, I MEAN.

WE'LL JUST DEAL WITH THAT LATER.

HAVE YOU ANALYZED THE PAPERS YET ?

YES, BASED ON THE FIBER SAMPLES,

WE WERE ABLE TO DETERMINE THAT WE'RE DEALING WITH

A VERY SPECIFIC TYPE OF PAPER.

WHITE, 8½ X 11.

THREE-HOLE PUNCHED, TWO SIDED, AND THIN.

AND THIN AND WHITE.

WE'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

THAT THESE TWO PAPERS COULD ONLY HAVE COME

FROM ONE OF THESE 7,003,080 ESTABLISHMENTS.

EXACTLY.

HMM, THIS IS A LOT OF SUSPECTS.

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE BETTER LUCK TALKING TO A CERTAIN FAMILY MAN.

WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE THE NIPPLES ?

( laughing )

OH, HEY !

STORE-BOUGHT HAIR CONDITIONER ?

IF IT'S NOT SALON-PURCHASED, I DON'T WANT IT IN MY HAIR,

YOU CREEP.

MILTON GIBBS ?

STRIPPERELLA, YOU GOTTA GET ME OUT OF HERE !

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, I'M INNOCENT.

YOU HONESTLY DON'T REMEMBER ROBBING THAT BANK ?

NO !

I'LL KNOW IF YOU'RE TELLING THE TRUTH OR NOT.

MY BREASTS ARE NATURAL LIE DETECTORS.

OH, OKAY.

I SWEAR, I DON'T REMEMBER A THING, I'M INNOCENT.

YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH.

YOU CAN LET GO NOW.

WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU DO REMEMBER ?

THE LAST THING I REMEMBER IS GOING INTO KLINKO'S

TO MAKE A COPY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

KLINKO'S.

KLINKO'S, THAT'S IT !

THAT WAS ONE OF THE NAMES ON THE LIST, KLINKO'S !

EVERYTHING IS GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN.

INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE SUCCUMBING

TO MY INGENIOUS MIND-CONTROL MACHINE.

I WILL BE A GOD !

HOW MAY I HELP YOU ?

I ORDERED THESE BUSINESS CARDS,

AND I JUST GOT THEM IN THE MAIL,

AND THEY'RE ALL BLANK.

CARL.

WHAT ?

SHE DIDN'T SAY SHE WANTED ANYTHING ON THEM.

WHY DO YOU THINK I GAVE YOU ALL MY INFORMATION ?

SO I COULD SEND YOU YOUR BLANK BUSINESS CARDS.

YOU ARE THE OPPOSITE OF HELPFUL !

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HARDER:

TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

OR RUNNING A CHAIN OF STUPID COPY STORES.

HI, I'M MUFFY.

JUST AN ORDINARY CHEERLEADER.

I AM HANS KLINKO, JUST OWNER OF KLINKO'S.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MUFFY ?

DO YOU CARRY WHITE 8½ X 11, THREE-HOLE PUNCHED,

TWO-SIDED PAPER ?

YES.

I THOUGHT SO.

CRAZY ABOUT THAT STEREOTYPICALLY

WHITE-BREAD FAMILY MAN ROBBING THAT BANK, HUH ?

HE MADE COPIES HERE, DIDN'T HE ?

ARE YOU HERE TO MAKE COPIES,

OR TO ASK SUSPICIOUS QUESTIONS IN A TONE

THAT IMPLIES THAT I MIGHT HAVE DONE

SOMETHING EVIL AND MISCHIEVOUS ?

OH, UM, I'M HERE TO MAKE COPIES.

WHAT ARE YOU COPYING ?

THIS ?

YOU WANT TO COPY A PEN ?

YES.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL NEED AN EXTRA PEN.

WHY DON'T YOU USE THAT COPY MACHINE ?

MACHINE NUMBER... SIX.

CARL !

TAKE THIS EVIL COMMAND

AND SCAN IT INTO THE MIND-CONTROL MACHINE.

OKAY.

"JUMP OFF THE 5th STREET BRIDGE" ?

I WANT THAT NOSY CHEERLEADER DEAD.

MUST BE A PAPER JAM.

OH, WELL.

NOT "OH, WELL," MORON !

GET OVER THERE AND FIX IT !

OH, LET ME FIX THAT.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T USE ANOTHER MACHINE.

YOU GOTTA USE THIS EVIL ONE.

"ROB THE COUNTY FAIR, PUT MONEY IN THE GOAT CAGE."

I GOTTA GO !

CHEERLEADING EMERGENCY.

UNSCRUPULOUS VILLAINS, PREPARE TO BECOME SCRUPULOUS.

DARN AUGUST 9th !

IT'S FLUFFER !

HERE, PUSSY, COME ON, FLUFFER.

HERE, PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY.

WHOA !

( grunting )

HERE, PUSSY.

GOTCHA !

OH !

TO THE COUNTY FAIR.

STAY, FLUFFER.

IF I WAS GONNA ROB A COUNTY FAIR, WHERE WOULD I START ?

( screaming )

NO !

HEY !

( screaming )

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO TAKE A RIDE ON THE ASS KICKINATOR !

HUH ?

THE ASS KICKINATOR IS NOT REALLY A RIDE.

I JUST MADE THAT UP.

HEY !

( bleating )

I THINK I'LL PAY A LITTLE AFTER-HOURS VISIT TO KLINKO'S.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'RE UP TO, HANS KLINKO.

THEY'RE OPEN 24 HOURS, HUH ?

AUGUST 9th.

STRIPPERELLA !

CARL !

SEIZE HER !

BUT, DUDE, I'M LIKE SO CLOCKED OUT.

I'LL CLOCK YOU OUT, YOU WORTHLESS TWIT !

OKAY, COME ON !

( man ) LOOK OUT, HE'S GOT A STAPLE REMOVER !

( screaming )

( beeping )

I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

TAKE THAT !

MAYBE NOW YOU'LL REMEMBER THE TONER, HUH ?

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WILL BE HOLDING IT RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE GLUED TO THE GROUND !

DARN.

YOU THINK THAT'S BAD ?

YOU'RE GLUED TO A CONVEYOR BELT !

WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT ?

THE CONVEYOR BELT IS GOING TO CONVEY YOU

TO THAT GIANT PAPER SHREDDER !

OOH, THAT IS BAD.

I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE DEAD SOON,

BUT FOR SOME REASON,

I FEEL COMPELLED TO TELL YOU MY EVIL PLAN.

UP UNTIL NOW, I HAVE ONLY HAD ONE MIND CONTROL MACHINE.

BUT FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, I WILL HAVE THOUSANDS OF THEM !

OBSERVE, EACH OF THESE RED LIGHTS REPRESENT

A KLINKO'S STORE.

WHEN I PULL THAT LEVER,

ALL OF THE MACHINES WILL BE ACTIVATED.

JUST WATCH THE LIGHTS LIGHT UP.

YOUR BIG PLAN WAS TO PULL THAT LEVER

AND LIGHT UP ALL THOSE LITTLE LIGHT BULBS ?

BIG DEAL !

NO, NO !

EACH LIGHT BULB REPRESENTS A KLINKO'S STORE.

AS THE MIND CONTROL MACHINE IN EACH STORE IS ACTIVATED,

THE CORRESPONDING LIGHT BULB WILL LIGHT UP !

OH, WELL, SEE, NOW THAT'S A MUCH CLEARER EXPLANATION.

AH, ENOUGH SUPERHERO EVIL VILLAIN BANTER.

PREPARE TO DIE !

IT FIGURES I'D DIE ON AUGUST 9th.

NOW I'M JUST GOING TO TURN MY BACK ON YOU.

FOOLISH AS IT SOUNDS,

I AM NOT GOING TO WATCH YOU DIE.

( grunting )

MIDNIGHT, IT'S AUGUST 10th.

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

HUH ?

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I REALLY LIKED THOSE SHOES.

THEY WEREPRADA!

SHAME YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE IMPENETRABLE

CROTCH PROTECTORS.

IMPENETRABLE CROTCH PROTECTOR ?

YOU MEAN A CONDOM ?

I COULD GET ONE, WHY, DO YOU WANT TO--

I MEANT, AN IMPENETRABLE CROTCH PROTECTOR BECAUSE

I'M ABOUT TO KICK YOU IN THE GROIN.

VERY HARD.

( screaming )

SEEMS THAT THE NEXT PHASE OF YOUR PLAN WAS

TO GET YOURSELF LAMINATED.

YOU KNOW, I LIKE A MAN WHO'S WELL-HUNG.

I'LL GET YOU, STRIPPERELLA !

AS SOON AS I GET DOWN FROM HERE,

FIGURE OUT A WAY TO UN-LAMINATE MYSELF,

SOMEHOW GET AWAY BEFORE THE COPS GET HERE... AH, SCREW IT.

I'M NEVER GONNA GET YOU !

( cheering )

WHERE'D YOU WANT ME TO PUT THESE HUGE, LUSCIOUS MELONS ?

( purring )

HEY, IT'S FLUFFER'S FAMILY !

OH, FLUFFER...

OH, SWEETIE, COME TO MOMMY.

WE'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS REWARD.

I'D RATHER YOU USE THE MONEY TO GET FLUFFER NEUTERED.

PET OVERPOPULATION IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

WHY, IN THE SHORT TIME WE'VE BEEN TALKING,

THREE MILLION PETS WERE NOT SPAYED OR NEUTERED.

OKAY, I PROMISE YOU WE'LL HAVE FLUFFER'S BALLS CUT OFF,

BUT I STILL INSIST ON GIVING YOU A REWARD.

OWW !

HEY, EROTICA, GUESS WHO THIS IS.

NO WAY !

BOBBY STINSON ?

IN THE FLESH, BABE.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK, SEE WHAT YOU'RE MISSING ?

THIS COULD'VE ALL BEEN YOURS.

I FOUND HIM FOR YOU.

I WANTED TO CLEAR UP THIS CURSE NONSENSE

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE BACK THE CURSE ?

THERE NEVER WAS A CURSE, I WAS JUST GOOFING.

I DON'T HAVE SPECIAL POWERS.

BUT YOU SAID--

HEY, I ALSO SAID I WAS A VAMPIRE,

BUT COME ON.

I'M AS MUCH OF A VAMPIRE AS YOU ARE A SUPERHERO

AND/OR SECRET AGENT.

SO THERE'S NO CURSE AFTER ALL ?

SEE ?

I TOLD YOU IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

ALL THESE YEARS, MY BAD LUCK HAS JUST BEEN PSYCHOSOMATIC.

SO, PERSEPHONE, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO FOOL AROUND AND JUNK ?

OH, WELL, UH, LISTEN, BOBBY,

LAST NIGHT WAS KIND OF A ONE-NIGHT THING.

OOH, WELL, IT'S OVER,

AND I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS.

WHAT ?

BUT, BUT, PERSEPHONE, I THOUGHT WE WERE IN LOVE.

LOVE ?

FINE, WHO NEEDS YOU ?

I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THE DAY YOU BROKE MY HEART

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I'M PUTTING A CURSE ON YOU, PERSEPHONE.

EVERY AUGUST 10th FROM NOW ON,

YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST DAY EVER !

( sobbing )

THE WORST DAY EVER !

OH, NO, I'M DOOMED.

OH, CALM DOWN.

YOU SAID YOURSELF IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

WELL, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE A CURSE ON YOU.

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪