All language subtitles for Gabriel.Iglesias.Aloha.Fluffy.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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[Applause]

Oh getting chills looking looking

looking thank you guys so much for

packing out this place tonight and I

know how the question has already been

asked why did Gabriel decide to shoot

his new special in Hawaii the question

should be what took him so long

so the one thing I want to definitely

make sure that happens here tonight is

that I'm gonna make sure that not only

the people in the room here tonight that

are not natives of Hawaii but the people

around the world find out things about

Hawaii you never need first things first

the proper pronunciation is Hawaii

just so the world gets to hear it right

at least once and believe me I

understand exactly how you feel

I totally get it for me it's not Mexico

it's Mexico I want you

whenever people come to the island you

know there's certain things people like

to do aside from the surfing or you know

the hiking or the you know the

traditional things people always see the

the movies and the one thing that always

stands out is the luau people always see

the law you always see the guy with the

fire you know he comes out and he makes

a stance on you

and I'm sitting but that looks cool I

want to let you guys know how you can

tell if you're about to have a real

genuine experience versus some of the

more diluted things that have happened

here on the island let me explain if

you're gonna go for a luau make sure you

do some research okay don't just go to

Amy Lua I'm gonna tell you how you can

tell if you're on a bad line there's

always a bus involved that takes you

from the hotel to the luau that's a

given

when you get on the bus there's a driver

and there's always the person that's the

host if the host gets on the bus and you

hear this welcome aboard the King

Kamehameha luau

experience

my name is Reagan I am NOT a native of

Hawaii I'm actually from Oregon but I

have been living here now for three

weeks and you only need a few days and

you're basically a native we're gonna

have such a great time it's gonna take

us exactly 35 minutes to get from here

to our destination I've timed it all

week don't even worry about it this is

our driver his name is taka taka has

been here on the island for over 75

years he is so hardcore he has taking a

liking to me he says I remind him of his

daughter he's so sweet he calls me his

little punani he

[Applause]

so I have gone online to do some

research to find out the type of

conditions we're gonna have today and

there is a slight chance of rain excuse

me yes sir what happens if it rains you

have nothing to worry about I took the

liberty of stopping off in an ABC store

and purchasing some umbrellas and some

Poncho's so we're covered scuse me

yes sir are we gonna stop somewhere to

get something to eat maybe or get some

some film absolutely you have nothing to

worry about it's gonna be the best time

ever stay away from that door this is

how you know when you're on a real low

experience the driver you know is there

the bus and then the guy gets on and you

hear this

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all right everybody I'd like to welcome

your bodies we're going to Jermaine's

luau okay my name is Reno you could call

me cousin Reno

I know but don't worry I'm not your real

cousin so don't ask for money right yeah

anyway we're gonna have a really good

time today it's gonna be a great day

here on the island it's going to be

beautiful excuse me yes sir how long is

it gonna take for us to get to the luau

actually brother he's good we're going

to get there Hawaiian time

what is Hawaiian time mean it means we

get that when we get there

pardon me I have another question yes up

I understand it's gonna rain today what

happens if it rains ha oh you're gonna

get wet

scuse me scuse me yeah are we gonna stop

store to get something to eat or get

some film hey Syd Alma hole

are you talking to me hey Mary I'm

talking you abroad I said oh if for the

rest of the bus is wondering what MA who

is it means he really likes coconuts

yeah

first things first the best luau to go

on and they don't pay me to tell you

this I've been coming to the island for

ten years but my favorite place to visit

is Jermaine's lo if you ever get a

chance they don't pay me to tell you

that and for the record there is such a

person as cousin Rina that's my man here

in the front row stand up front up the

man the myth the legend Thank You Man

thank you what time and many you know

coming here year after year and talking

to people certain words I've picked up

certain things I've learned I finally

figured out what shoots means anyone

that gets to come here to the island

you'll hear people saying that shoots

and I found it it means yes because

Mexicans we have our own slang words to

have you heard me which is a term of

excitement it's also it's like shoots

means yes but you shouldn't heard the

conversation I had this guy was trying

to explain it to me I go I keep hearing

people say shoots what's going on ok

brother let me break it down for you

alright shoots is is like saying yes oh

ok cool alright so let me see um so if

somebody says you want to go to the

store and I say shoes Roger that

Roger dat

what does that mean it means yes

so shoots means yes and Roger that means

yes Roger that

how would you mean is there one that you

use for one thing versus one that used

for another can you give me an example

no problem brother check it out

somebody tell me a bra you want to go

get a drink shoots hey bra you won't go

to tee ball Roger dad

I got it I got it I got it I got it I

figured it out and by the way for all

the people here on the island tonight

that are not native who are extremely

light complected basic for the white

people um I just want to let you know

when you're here in Hawaii if you hear

this word haole

they're talking about you

[Applause]

Howley is the word to describe white

people and it's not derogatory I've

asked questions and it's not it's just

that you know and that's one guy's weird

it haole come from you know one guy said

well bro I think many years ago so why

people come here right they got drunk

and they start yelling you say somebody

need to take down that Holly right there

it's stuck

trying to figure out how they alright

but anyways you guys we've been

traveling so many places we've probably

been in about 14 countries in the last

two months

we're like herpes we go everywhere twice

a year anyway I know right you guys are

so close by like a vice slip that's it

his show was in 3d but it hurt terrible

so I'm gonna tell you when we first

kicked off our world tour we started in

we started in Singapore and for me that

kind of threw me off because just to let

you guys know they do speak English in

Singapore it's actually the number one

language spoken and I didn't know that

and some people are like well why would

you go to Singapore to perform if he

didn't know whether or not they

understood you because the check was fat

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and I'm a little whore

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so yeah the only thing was Singapore is

that Singapore the rules over there are

very strict like many years ago an

American went over there and he was

graffiti on a wall okay he tagged up a

wall and they got him and they don't

give out tickets in Singapore the

penalty for that was they pulled him

aside took off his shirt and they came

to him with a stick and there's no set

number like oh your graffiti a wall with

two letters that's four licks no the guy

hits you until he feels you've learned a

lesson

yeah that's hardcore if you're caught

smuggling drugs into Singapore the

penalty is death which makes somebody

like myself nervous when you travel with

the people that you travel with

forget mom

and you know it's crazy because they

play a video when you're going through

customs as you're going through customs

they play a video to let you know where

you're about to go into and it starts

off really nice

it starts off sweet it's like noon

welcome to Singapore Singapore very

beautiful country very nice a country

very clean the country if you're caught

of smuggling drugs into our country over

you PM you are doing Gangnam style

and kill you

enjoy singapore from singapore we got to

go up to London England to do some shows

and it was pretty cool over there

obviously they spoke English the only

issues that I had in London England or

that over there they drive on the

opposite side of the street and that is

very you know that's that's kind of

challenging for tourists because when

you're crossing a street you're

automatically conditioned to come out

look left look right look left again and

then you cross and so when you're there

you have to retrain yourself because

you'll come out and you think you're

cool

look there's no cars coming let's go

every other block is like the movie

final destination you don't I mean and

over there they got double-decker buses

those suckers are heavy you get hit by

one of those at 30 miles an hour at

least if you get hit by a bus here on

the island you have so much of a chance

first of all nobody's in a hurry you can

hit by a bus here hey brah walk it off

you okay shoot all right

[Applause]

I've been to the news station here I've

been on the news many times and they're

always people always step off the curb

they're not paying attention they're

looking at the buildings or they're

taking pictures and you know her you

know and they report them you know a man

was struck by a bus here today his leg

was broken

doctors say he will be okay London

England getting hit by a double-decker

bus going 30 a man exploded today when

he was struck by a double-decker bus we

have video footage

[Music]

some of the places were planning on

performing this next year we're talking

about going to Germany we're talking

about going to Bulgaria and India

India's on the list of new places we're

gonna visit and I'm excited about India

you know and I was telling people in

England that we're going to Inge you

know to India I had Indian people

telling me hello there that's gonna be

amazing when you go there you can enjoy

it you're gonna love it it's amazing and

I just stare and the guy goes why are

you staring I go cause your voice

doesn't match oh you think we all sound

like I'm sorry I live in America Indians

over there keep it real yeah and I have

nothing but love and respect for Indian

people I'm gonna tell you something

right now

Indian people in the United States are

the hardest-working people I have ever

seen and that's coming from a Mexican

okay and I'll tell you why I say this

you will never see an Indian person with

a sign that says will work for food in

the United States and you will never see

an Indian person committing a crazy

crime like when was the last time you

heard of Indians robbing a bank

but everybody huh I can't remember bro

because it doesn't happen first of all

Indian people are so nice and they're so

sweet and I can't see it you know you're

gonna rob a bank you need Authority you

need to come in there guns blazing I

said get your ass on the ground yeah I

can't imagine would you please take the

money

[Applause]

I am talking to you forget this I might

appear I don't need this

he gets in the car his partner is

waiting for him did you get the money

they would not give me the money did you

show them the gun I shot we better leave

they're going to call the police they're

still laughing what did you get the

computer they thought I was take support

there's too much fun man all these

different countries all these different

places we've been going and honestly you

guys it's not possible without the love

and the support of my family they made

that possible cuz I can't just go take

off you know you really seriously you

know she's gonna leave it takes a strong

woman first of all to put up with me and

that's naughty oh you're gonna go travel

the world with this crazy guy named my

tepee who's got tattoos and issues have

fun oh it's not easy you guys like I

said it takes a lot of love and support

from my family and right now it's a

crazy time because my son is 15 okay

some of you know I have a son from my

last special I talked about how I became

a dad and um because he's technically my

stepson and the only reason I'm saying

that is because he's been in my life for

eight years and he's 15 so I don't want

you to look at me and the math is all

wrong and you're like he's get out I'm

not getting I just hooked up with a

beautiful woman who had a pre started

family which is why the math is off

basically I took over Alise is what

happened and everything's been going

great but when he turned 15 it started

changing like he no longer talks to me

which is crazy not to say that he

doesn't see meaning not he just doesn't

talk and I thought it was personal and

his mom is like no he's going through a

face like he doesn't speak he makes

sounds Frankie how's your day did you

take out the trash Wow

like the only person he talks to is at

the other end of his phone cuz that's

all he does all day just text text text

text and it's funny because he's always

like this texting and when he walks

around he takes little steps so that in

case he bumps into something it doesn't

hurt like he's thick like a little

vacuum you know yeah

and when he's taking these little steps

he makes these sounds and his tongue

comes out half way it looks freaky like

he's trying to text with it

and asked his mom is he okay he's going

through a phase and I could totally

understand my son standing in the corner

for 15 minutes at his time with his

tongue out making noises if he was a

special circumstance but he's not okay

if he was I'd hug him and love him the

same but he's not he's a straight-a

student in his school he's at the top of

the list in his class as one of the

smartest kids and it's no no no you know

why you know why because on paper it

says he's a genius but at home it

doesn't match

and don't get me wrong you guys I

believe that good grades are important

okay but you would think with all the

different classes that they offer in

school how come they don't have a class

called common sense here I mean make it

the easiest class they have ever taken

make it so easy that it's the exact same

class every single day they don't pay

attention anyway make it the same hello

class welcome to common sense

let us begin up-down left-right hot/cold

take a shower take a shower take a

shower I don't know what happened when

he turned 15 he forgot how to play with

water oh my god it for me you guys smell

is so important it is so important you

know how many people I meet every single

year

I am so self-conscious I don't want

anyone to smell me that I meet and all

of a sudden have them say fluffy smell

like ass

I know a big guy that's why I do double

the maintenance twice the showers twice

a cologne twice the deodorant twice the

powder if I fart right now this whole

area will smell like cinnamon that's how

I roll

you guys are we looking at each other is

that cinnamon Camilla Cannella

he smells like a Molotov ah yes

what's a malasadas it's a ball of dough

with good stuff in it wrapped in

cinnamon tastes delicious anyway like I

said you guys for me smell is so

important you know and the fact that my

son at fifteen now is his you know he's

his body's becoming an adult even though

you know and I try to tell him and he

always forgets and blah blah blah and it

wasn't until his PE teacher called us up

and told us that what he was doing is

he's leaving his PE shirt in the locker

over the weekend instead of bringing it

home to wash and so that shirt just

Broyles and simmers and those kids uses

and then on Monday when he puts it on

it's all hard and yellow and just you

know nasty and they told us your son is

smelly and I'm like oh hell no I took

his ass to the store and I bought him a

10 pack of that right guard gel with a

little click on the bottle and I shut up

Frankie look look look look look every

day twice a day that's what you got to

do and every day it's an issue did you

put on deodorant

I went back to the store and I bought

ten more and I came back to the house

and I started strategically placing them

all over the house one in the front door

one at the back door one in the hallway

one in the kitchen so no matter where

he's at

hit it right he hated that because the

neighbors would come over the house and

I'd have to explain why there's

deodorant everywhere like it's a new

type of potpourri and then he starts

hiding the deodorant and then he starts

lying about it and I'm like I'm sorry

but teenagers can't lie they're too

fidgety they're uncoordinated they look

away they stutter they can't focus I

asked them did you put on deodorant mmm

are you sure yeah come here I'm gonna

smell you you don't believe me no that

sucks are you wearing the gel deodorant

that I bought for you all right take

your finger stick it under your armpit

and then pull it out why because if

you're wearing the gel deodorant that I

bought for you when you pull your finger

out of your armpit your fingers gonna be

shiny it's gonna look like you have

lubricant on it

what's that shut up

and then he tells me I'm wearing drag

deodorant oh really

I don't remember buying that and I got

in his face and I said look Frankie you

don't have to lie I'm here to help you

I'm not here to hurt you I said do you

like girls mmm yeah okay good well guess

what they don't like it when you smell

they like it when you smell fresh and

clean you don't have to lie I'm gonna

let this go but if I catch you lying to

me again that's when he freaked me out

and he did this what

in my head I heard are you ready are you

ready let's get it on

[Applause]

and I'm not a violent person bro I'm not

violent but hey it's kill or be killed

right you know anything seriously you

guys I would never put my hands on my

son and people judge me for that oh you

wouldn't hit your kid you think he's

gonna call the cops I don't care if he

calls the cops I'll call the cops

anyone who's ever seen my specials knows

I've had a few run-ins with law

enforcement damn and because of one joke

where I went to a Krispy Kreme

drive-through are you kidding me

I have become law enforcement's favorite

comedian in the state of California

alone I've done over 50 shows for the

California Highway Patrol Los Angeles

Police Department

Long Beach Police Department where I

live I can call a cop right now to go to

my house and hold down my son while my

girlfriend kicks him that's how

connected I am I'm not worried about him

calling the cops I'm worried about him

calling TMZ that's why I'm afraid oh

yeah TMZ finds out I beat my son are you

kidding me don't have me on TV the next

day Oh looks like chocolate cake isn't

the only thing he beats up

so I told my girl would happen I said

listen baby he's lying to me and he's

testing up I don't want to have to get

physical with him but I will if I have

to I'm not going anywhere and see my

girlfriend's different my girlfriend

will actually choke him I'm not gonna

lie she's a little ghetto all right I

left town for two weeks to go do some

shows and when I came home it was night

and day they picked me up at the airport

he jumps out of the car and he's holding

the door open like he's valet and I get

in the car

I look at my girl what's going on he

thinks they're still mad at him so he's

being extra good

and the whole drive home he's doing that

little song in the backseat I'm gonna

clean the room I'm gonna check out the

trash I'm gonna walk the dog I'm gonna

do the dishes and when we got home he

did all of it and I was like wow

and then we're passing each other in the

hallway and as we're passing each other

he sticks out his arm bro and he tapped

me and he keeps walking and I go excuse

you anyway whatever oh my let me take

this opportunity to tell you a little

bit about myself I'm a decent person I'm

not great I'm not horrible I'm decent

okay anybody who's ever met me in the

past or will meet me in the future you

know what I'm saying hey I know what's

in my heart I'm a nice person and if I'm

being nice to you and you're mean to me

I'll still be nice but if you're mean to

me a second time I don't care who it is

it could be one of you guys it could be

one of my friends in the back or it

could be the new dependent on my taxes

you mess with me I'm gonna mess with you

back and I'm gonna step it up a notch so

you don't forget everybody's quiet all

the kids are like I don't want to meet

him now let me tell you what happened

next morning I was in my son's room and

I'm standing over his bed it's five

o'clock in the morning and I'm just

watching him sleep I know it look creepy

like the movie

[Applause]

and I'm just thinking what am I gonna do

to get even right and I look over and I

see his alarm clock and I'm like perfect

just so you guys understand it's his job

to wake himself up for school and he

knows if he's late because he didn't set

that clock his mom is gonna have his ass

he's afraid of his mom for a good reason

so I grabbed that clock and I changed

the time from 5:00 a.m. to 7:30

it gets better then I set it off and he

wakes up all scared freaked out

and I started handing him his clothes

here get dressed get your put your coat

he's getting dressed in the dark he

looks like a little drunk children and I

grabbed him and I dragged his ass into

the garage his whole face is oily and

sweaty

he's got rocks and crusts in his eyes he

has a perfect white line going all the

way to the back of its neck as soon as I

get him in the car falls asleep I jump

in and I take him to school we get to

his school the Sun is barely coming out

there is not a kid for miles as soon as

we get by the office I slammed on the

brakes to wake them up anyway Oh Frankie

the bell just rang hurry the last kid

winning you're gonna make it go go hurry

go okay thank you all right I love you

[Music]

it was Sunday

kid mess with you you mess with kid now

I know a lot of you right now are like

oh you went back to get him right that

wasn't the plan he starts calling my

phone

forgetting over look at the phone and

it's a whole picture when he was still

cute you know him I said him to

voicemail I look at the phone and I see

his mom's face shit little traitor we're

trying to play it off in the car lo pick

him I can barely hear you back I get

back to the school big old freaking

school with one kid in front of it oh

man you guys he was so pissed off but

I'm gonna tell you something I found

something out that week I found out that

you don't have to yell at a kid to get

your point across you definitely don't

have to hit one all you really have to

do to make sure they never forget the

day that they messed up it's

embarrassing embarrassing a kid is the

biggest weapon you can have as a parent

that's legal and so much more effective

you guys because I'm gonna tell you

right now between the ages of 10 and 19

it's all about image it's all about do I

have the cool shirt the cool hat the

cool a wristband the cool watch the cool

glasses the cool shoes the cool pants

they want to fit in so bad you mess with

their image at school oh it's mental

it's emotional and depending on what you

did it's physical

why do you think they make such a big

deal about bullying in schools and child

abuse amongst each other because when

kids turn it's not pretty especially if

they have a reason to like finding out

that you got dropped off on Sunday by

your dad because there was a janitor

there working who saw the whole thing go

down and three days is what it took for

word to get out and when those kids

found out it was my son the things they

said to him were so bad that when he

came home he was in tears okay and I'm

not gonna let you guys I felt terrible

for like a second

it was bad though it was I was moved he

came in all hard why did you stay there

[Applause]

put on deodorant

[Applause]

I'm not gonna lie you guys I think deep

down he wishes that I would hit him

because it would be faster but that's

not how I roll

oh no and I gotta give credit to his mom

you guys his mom allows me to be a dad

you know as a stepparent it's not easy

you can't just come in and run things it

takes time

if you come into that house and you

start trying to yell at people and start

trying to know they'll jump all over you

you can't be doing that don't do hey you

tell me what he did I'll handle it you

don't do anything I've been there bro

yeah all right next thing you know

you're in the corner crying when that

kid is supposed to be it's a hazing

process in the beginning it's

everybody's pushing each other's buttons

everybody's testing each other is this

guy really gonna stick around that's

what happens and after eight years hey

my credit is good so my girl backs me up

whenever I make a call she backs me up

don't get me wrong if I make a bad call

she's gonna call me on it okay if I mess

up she's gonna point it out she doesn't

think that all my ideas are good ones

and there's been a few times when I've

messed up as a dad like one night I got

really really drunk on the road with my

team and I don't know what happened I

started drunk texting Frankie I don't

know what it is about me getting drunk

for some reason the phone just and my

girl found out about it and when I got

home I knew something was up because she

called me by my first name

and we're having use first names in

years you know since then it's always

been pet names you know how it goes you

know honey baby Sweetie Suzy has

something to kind of just some of you

got that good ass yes anyway

I walk in the door and I hear Gabriel

and I'm like oh I'm in court and here

she comes out of the back I understand

when you're out there you're gonna do

what you're gonna do you want to get

drunk fine get drunk you want to text me

while you're drunk fine text me while

you're drunk

do not ever drunk text my son again how

do you know it was drunk

really Frankie come here bring your

phone look at this message that came in

at 4:17 a.m. put on deodorant fucker

that's a nickname I gotta give her

credit

anytime I mess up she is very creative

on how she approaches me like the latest

thing that she does is she no longer

wants to deal with me face to face what

she does is she will find one of the

three dogs that we have in the house and

she will start carrying a full-blown

conversation with the dog telling the

dog what I'm doing wrong as a man you

have to understand how demeaning this is

to me okay I own chihuahuas and you mean

to tell me two pounds of Terror is gonna

take over me no no no and I'll tell you

what happened you guys I was actually

innocent

I was actually innocent I didn't do

anything bad but it looked bad I had

three shows one night and after the

third show I was exhausted so I go in

the back to lay down for a little bit

and I fell asleep and I woke up and it

was four hours later and I reached down

and I pull out my phone my phone was

still in my pocket and it was in silent

mode and I looked at the screen and the

screen said 27 missed calls from I

wonder who

[Music]

there is not a text in the world that's

gonna fix that there's not a phone call

that I'm gonna make it 4 o'clock in the

morning that's gonna make this better

I'm screwed no matter what so I shut off

my phone all the girls are like that's

what you really messed up I know I

didn't know you could die twice

apparently you can't so I come home you

guys and I'm innocent so I'm not showing

up at the front door with flowers or

trying to be rude no no I know I'm good

so I show up confident I walk in I said

baby let me just explain what happened

to me this weekend before you say

anything and then she starts oh look

who's here Bruno look who's here

daddy's home now daddy wants to talk to

us funny talk to Bruno

let me explain he thinks were playing

huh

really you're not gonna talk to me

you're gonna talk to the dog somebody's

getting frustrated huh kind of like we

were frustrated when he didn't pick up

his phone yes dude dude

she will not look at me she will not

talk to me she continues to do this for

10 minutes after 10 minutes she has me

doing it Bruno

[Music]

now she thinks I'm making fun of her are

you mocking me now I'm pissed off

because now she's screaming in my face

so then I was like all cheap things were

mocking her hopparoo no mommy shouldn't

have played this game because we can

play it better huh yeah cuz I can make

you talk back to me huh Tom Bow Wow yes

I can because you love me more a la

valeur mommy's crazy huh los is a bust

come on

and that started a whole different

argument my god you guys and I don't

want you thinking that my girlfriend's a

bad person she's an amazing woman

the fact that I only have seven stories

about her in eight years says a lot you

know don't get me wrong five of them

happened this year but that's still way

below the bar here and I'm saying and I

get questions I get questions about her

because you know in the past I've done

specials and I've talked about other

people in my life I've talked about my

mom I've talked about my dad I've talked

about my sister's my brother I've talked

about Frankie but I've never really

talked about my girl and so I get people

that ask me you know we want to know a

little bit more first question that

everybody always ask is is your

girlfriend fluffy too and no she's not

she's a little bit curvy but she's not

fluffy and it's not to say that I have

anything against big women most of my

ex-girlfriends were really big girls

when we would hug it was like arms and

pillows oh yeah it was at tempur-pedic

love your nose and it was hardcore like

we would hug really really hard and then

let go and then our body would come back

to normal

another question that people ask is is

your girlfriend also Mexican you know as

your girlfriend Mexican and yes she is

but that doesn't mean anything because I

have dated the rainbow okay that's just

where it landed which is where I landed

all right you know uh I think the crazy

part with my girl is that she doesn't

have traditional Mexican features all

right she could pass for white which is

funny because the first time I

introduced her to my mom looks quite the

show I take my girl to go meet my mom

for the first time and you know my mom

she would come to the door she'll come

to the door if you know she you know she

sees you pulling up in the driveway she

opens the door and just waits for you to

get there and greets you at the door so

I'm pulling out right gets the you know

she comes to the door she sees me

opening the door and this white girl

comes out and she starts cussing me out

from the door and my girl speaks Spanish

so my girl looks at my mom and she's

like oh Lessing your neck como estas

and my mom was like oh my god you see

that mom you see that mom they make them

in that color too

another question that I get about my

girl is how did you guys meet did you

meet at her show and actually no we

didn't meet at a show we met at a bar

and see some of your like a lot of

people don't like that one they're like

oh really a bar that's not a good way to

meet someone it's an honest way to meet

someone we were both drunk when we met

which I find ironic considering she has

issues with me drinking now you know

eight years later the way I see I'm just

keeping it real you know Sammy but no

she don't see it that way when we met I

was gone she was gone we started talking

to each other and at the end of the

night I was like wow you have issues

you're messed up too we wanted to go get

a bite to eat and then you know nine

months later we moved in together and

that it worked out for us I tell people

you want to find out who you're with

don't just rush into the relationship

right away like you see some of those

people after a month we knew it was

meant to be yeah a year later he changed

she's not the same he changed

she's not the same he changed people

don't change I'll tell you why it looks

like they do because in the beginning of

the relationship you do whatever you

have to do to make it work and the first

thing you do is you bite your tongue

all of your frickin issues and things

that bother you you check your own

morals because you want to make it work

you start weighing out the pros and the

cons you're like oh man she talks a lot

but look at that butt

and her family's kind of crazy but they

got money you start putting things up

that's why it looks like the person

changed a year later and I'm just saying

you guys if you don't feel like

investing a lifetime trying to figure

out who you're with just do what I did

and get drunk with the person but don't

just get drunk to get drunk get drunk

with the intent I'm getting as much real

information out of them so that you can

make an educated decision on whether or

not to be with them

[Applause]

make it fun make it a game this way you

don't know this what you do you sit

across from each other you make a list

of five things you have to know before

you become exclusive then you break open

a bottle of tequila or alcohol of your

choice you do ten shots each you wait

thirty five minutes you turn on a flip

cam hit record and let the date begin

you're about to find out who you're

really dealing with make it fun okay

Jennifer you go first

Thank You Jonathan thank you okay

[Applause]

okay boy how many people have you slept

with and guys can lie but the face gives

it away how many - have you ever cheated

no next day you pull out that video and

you confront them and you can see for

yourself who you're really dealing with

and if you can see that they're lying

call them out Jonathan this is the

saddest thing I've ever seen it is so

obvious that you're lying there's no way

in hell I'm ever gonna be with you why

don't you just be a man and tell the

truth how many people have you really

been with oh man

over 2000 god I cheated on everybody how

could you do that how could you cheat

how could you cheat

these some of your clapping some are

laughing some are like it's still not

funny I'm not making fun of molestation

I'm only making fun of the fact that

Alfred said it some people over there

not I gotta go pee go ahead oh yeah go

pee okay they're freaking out hello I'm

not TV I'm right here I told the venue

to I said you know what they got to do

for the special they got to put speakers

in the bathroom under the toilets so

when people get up like that to go pee I

can mess them up and go mmm welcome to

the restroom if you need to go peepee

please use stall number one if you need

to go Popo please you start over - thank

you

bienvenidos al Bano see necesitas hacer

PP o cuarto numero uno si necesitas

hacer kappa also welcome our boss

gracias equal opportunity right

[Applause]

fuck up to the restroom hell yeah that's

what I'm saying if you need to pee your

stall number one if you need to shit

take your nasty ass home

some of your laughing somewhere like

stop doing those voices just having fun

that's all I gotta tell you guys being a

comedian has been the one of the

greatest experiences for me and you know

it's been it's been a fun ride it's been

a fun ride and um a lot of people don't

understand what has gone into this you

know me personally I got a lot of people

to thank my family obviously first and

foremost and all my friends and all the

support all the people you don't see

that are behind the scenes that have

helped me you know there's a lot of

comedians up there they do really good

and for some reason they start you know

going crazy and things happen and then

what happened

wrong people around them so whenever you

see me you're like honky was keeping it

together cuz people keep me together

shooting I start believing my own hype

I'm at 7-eleven yeah give me all that

shit yeah yeah keep it sir forgive me

crazy why is he talking to me like that

I just want you guys to know it's been a

fun ride and I want you to understand a

little bit more of what has happened

over the years to get to this point for

the first I'd say the first ten years of

my career I was considered a Southwest

comedian by promoters meaning that they

would only promote me in California

Arizona Nevada Texas New Mexico nothing

wrong with that but here's the thing is

that they were calling me a Southwest

comedian and then they call me Latino

comedian and I hated that no no I hate

that I'll tell you why and I know you

have good intentions when you over let

me explain why I don't like that title

when you say Latino comedian it makes it

sound like I can only perform for

Latinos okay and don't get me wrong I

know who I am and where I come from but

I believe that Latinos should be shared

with everyone and that's what I'm trying

to do and the reason why I make a big

deal about that is because anybody else

you just call them their name for

example Jerry Seinfeld

he's just Jerry Seinfeld he's not Jewish

comedian Jerry Seinfeld

Chris Rock is just Chris Rock he's not

african-american comedian Chris Rock but

with me I was always Latino comedian or

fat comic yeah they wouldn't even call

me fluffy those bastards

and so it wasn't until years and years

of grinding it out that eventually I

wound up meeting a promoter who

eventually became my manager who took a

chance on me and he promoted me in

Minneapolis Minnesota

okay and you cannot get any whiter than

Minneapolis Minnesota that is where the

Hollies are built that is the haole

Factory okay there's many hapless

Minnesota and it was a venue about as

big as this and it was it was sold out

and word got back to Los Angeles and to

New York and to all these promoters that

there's this entertainer with the last

name Iglesias who sold a bunch of

tickets who was not Enrique next thing

you know promoters are coming up the

woodwork another change in their tune

now they're not calling me Latino

comedian anymore now they're saying oh

this guy's he's funny across the board

he's crossover he's so crossover as a

material touches everyone he's crossover

he's crossover really you're gonna call

him Mexican cross over it was getting

worse

all I wanted to do is be given a chance

to go out and perform and show what I

could do and not have restrictions and

titles and stuff put on it was very very

hard and so like I said once I met my uh

my buddy who took care of me and came my

manager Joe Milosh amazing work he

started taking me everywhere with the

help of him and my agent Matt Blake and

Comedy Central started backing me up and

we wound up hitting all 50 states next

thing I know we go to Canada next thing

I know they sent me to Europe next thing

I know we hit Australia and then I get

this phone call my agent calls me out

but he says Gabe check it out you're

getting a request to perform in the

Middle East I go really

okay cool Army Navy Marines Air Force

who actually the request is coming from

a prince run that by me again a prince

I said Purple Reign not Prince a prince

I said how do they know me I I don't

know but they say that they know you and

they want to hire you I go it sounds

like a joke Matt trust me it sounds

legit all right

if it's legit I'll tell you what give

whoever a ridiculous figure and let them

know that they have to wire the money

today otherwise forget it four hours

later Gabe what ridiculous just called

are you serious I'm looking at the

screen bro they wired all of it next

thing I know welcome aboard

Saudi Arabian Airlines digital 17-hour

flight you guys from Detroit Michigan to

Riyadh Saudi Arabia and just so you guys

know I didn't go by myself okay

I took some friends with me nobody from

this show

for obvious reasons

you see the crew that I travel with

everybody's hairy big nose goatee beard

crazy eyes this are you kidding me with

all of us we're like Osama bin Lopez you

know say what the hell so I took two

other friends I took one friend his name

is Edwin San Juan who's Filipino works

clean oh yeah and another buddy of mine

named Larry Omaha who's Native American

who also works clean and look at the

camera hey Larry Omaha and once that one

you guys have fans and they're here in

Hawaii get your asses over here anyway

uh so we had to react 17 hour flight

from Detroit as soon as we get there

they flew us there first class by the

way it was really nice and the plane is

pulling up to the gate and you know it's

doing the whole you know and the tube is

coming out to meet the plane as soon as

the tube touches the plane all of a

sudden the door on the opposite side of

the plane pops open and a man in the

suit gets on and he walks over to the

three of us and he does this and I'm

sitting there freaking out like oh my

god this is like the movies and they

pulled us off the plane and they

escorted us to this area called VIP

baggage claim and it sounds kind of

create VIP and I get there and I realize

all there they're serving cookies and

candy and coffee and there's leather

sofas and it's really nice and there's

nothing but middle-eastern businessmen

there okay and they're all talking about

me I don't understand Arabic but

everyone in this room understands when

someone's talking about you the guys

looking at me and he's like not a

definite American economy I'm sorry but

this is universal

and apparently this is Arabic for Dale

[Applause]

so then this other guy walks over to me

and he's holding a sign and the sign has

my name on it and he's really excited

he's like he did you come did you come

come come eagle and all he cooks we grab

our luggage and we follow him outside to

the curb

they have three Lincoln Navigator SUVs

waiting for us

there's three comedians and there's

three cars we're so paranoid that we're

in the Middle East we all get in one car

we're sitting in there and we take off

we're heading towards downtown Riyadh

okay now all I know up to this point

about my experience is that I've already

been paid my flights been taken care of

and I have a point person who I'm

supposed to meet at the airport who's

not there so I'm talking to the drivers

excuse me sir where's this guy it is

okay okay okay and for me it's not okay

because I researched Saudi Arabia and

you know you pick the rules in Singapore

are strict the rules of Saudi Arabia are

very very different okay and I don't

want to offend anyone and I want to make

sure that I don't say the wrong thing so

I need to know you know some I need some

info so I keep talking to the driver so

um sir would you mind helping me with

some questions whatever you need you ask

okay um I apologize in advance if I come

across rude or disrespectful or ignorant

but um how do you guys know about me

here in the Middle East what do you mean

how do we know yeah how do you know that

I'm a comedian

do you have Comedy Central or HBO or

Showtime what is that that's a no that's

what that is that's enough

how do you know that I'm an entertainer

Oh your videos you do my friend you do

your huge you're the number two most

famous comedian in all of the Middle

East number two you're kidding I am NOT

comedian I don't get no I'm the number

two most famous comedian in all of the

Middle East yes

who's number one Jeff Dunham

Jeff Dunham is the number-one comedian

in the Middle East

you guys don't find him at all offensive

oh no

when I heard that you guys almost like

you know what they get it they get it so

I'm like we're cool we're sitting we're

driving we're heading towards downtown

all of a sudden the driver cuts the

wheel really hard and we get off the

freeway and now we're taking a side road

going away from the city and I'm like oh

excuse me where are we going

they're going to this show I go on it

says here that we're staying in the city

yes you're staying in the city but the

show is somewhere else that doesn't make

sense why would you have the show

somewhere else how come you don't have

it in the city and then he broke it down

my friend here in rear it is very

different okay your type of

entertainment is forbidden in the city

there are people called religious police

that hold up the traditions they keep it

so that is very traditional

it is not allowed the social gathering

is a no-no we must go somewhere secret

in the desert

all right um so how many people are you

guys expecting at the show easily

between seven to eight hundred people

that many I told you number two and sure

enough you guys we pull up to this

racetrack in the middle of the desert

and there's uh there's a giant tent set

up next to it and there's there's 800

people roughly there for a comedy show

and as soon as we pull up as soon as we

pull over radio start popping up and I

keep hearing and all the radios to fetch

bluffing a fluffy fluffy fluffy all of a

sudden some guy runs up on the stage and

they hand him a microphone and he starts

yelling to the crowd I don't know what

he's saying but I've seen enough hip-hop

to recognize a hype man oh yeah he's out

there and then I get the biggest

introduction of my life he and the crowd

starts going blah blah and when I heard

that I freaked out I was like oh my god

this is gonna be an amazing show so I

ran to the stage as fast as I could

I'm not a runner

I booked it to the stage you guys

because I was so excited and when I got

to the front it clicked that in Saudi

Arabia they still have segregation and I

didn't find out till the last second

because I saw a line going down the

middle and on one side meant other side

women and all the women in the front row

were covered from head to toe all I saw

was this oh yeah I had no idea I was

performing for Assassin's Creed I didn't

know

it threw me out so bad you really glad

and I hey what's going on everybody

I froze I've been doing this for 15

years I don't freeze but that threw me

off so bad I didn't know what to say

all of a sudden men start yelling my

jokes at me my friend do the donkey the

donkey chocolate cake guy in the front

make fun of me hell no and the people

started laughing

the women were laughing just as hard as

the men you know granted some of them I

couldn't see but for the most part is

like and I'm not trying to be

disrespectful you know either leather

moving and laughing I even had fun with

one of the girls I said oh I saw your

neck you're going to get me in trouble

the Saudis had such an amazing sense of

humor they were laughing and carrying on

and I had no idea that we're gonna be

like that and then after the show I got

a chance to meet some of the locals and

one guy was almost in tears he was so

emotional he walks up to me and he's

just like I cannot believe that I am

standing here in front of you mr. fluffy

thank you Please Please when you return

to United States or wherever you travel

let the people know what you saw okay

let them know that we're not all bad

that we're not all those bad people from

Fox News okay you let them know because

we see Fox News and Fox News believes

everybody in Middle East is bad

everybody's terrorist everybody has a

bomb

he has a bomb he has about he has a bomb

Oprah is here giving away bombs to

everybody everybody

[Applause]

please you let them know we're not all

bad people okay we are not all

terrorists my cousin he is raising my

blood pressure every 7 seconds and then

he starts breaking it down for me how

stand-up comedy is starting to bring

people together in the Middle East and

how he's starting to do you know he's

doing comedy it's really crazy the

conversation you know in here in Saudi

Arabia people they like watching the

stand-up comedy because we love to laugh

okay we love to laugh it's great to

laugh and people don't think that people

in Middle East have sense of humor they

see videos they see TV they think we are

the same they say om it'll listen people

are all angry look at their face they're

angry everybody angry everybody mad

everybody angry my friend we're not

angry he's hot okay this 117 degrees

everybody is not mad they're hot look at

everybody has a hot face hot waist

everybody hot face I promise you give me

air conditioning I am so happy

we are okay we love to laugh I've been

doing the stand-up comedy for about the

six months now and I have jokes good for

you

Matt right oh great all right man go

ahead

okay okay okay here we go

two Jews walk into a bar

not in my country

man gonna get my ass arrested bro we

wound up doing shows all over the Middle

East we were in Riyadh Bahrain Dubai

Qatar Doha and each show you guys was

more amazing than the last show not

because there were so many people but

because the people were friendly they

were fun they got all the references I

couldn't get over that I honestly

thought that they were gonna be like the

people from Fox News and I felt terrible

I felt terrible because I was judging

them

I was prejudging them and I thought that

they were gonna be a certain way and I

felt bad because all those years people

were doing that to me

not really giving me a chance and I was

over there doing the same thing I felt

so bad and then when I met the prince I

was still judging 19 years old and he's

a prince I thought he was gonna be a

brat he walks up to me and I was already

like what's up I fail to realize that

he's a prince and he was brought up to

be a prince the way he carried himself

he intimidated me in about 18 seconds

okay I'm 36 and I mean almost he's like

really excuse me

Gabriel Gabriel Gabriel I understand

that your name is Gabriel but in the

Arabic language your name is Jibril I

was welcoming you in our language

[Music]

and I started already imagining what was

gonna happen I'm so sorry I'm so sorry

and he was so nice you guys he's like I

want to thank you for coming here to

Riyadh in doing all of these shows it

was so beautiful to see everyone having

such an amazing time from the little

children in attendance all the way to

the elderly people with a king everyone

had an amazing time everyone it was

beautiful

okay beautiful religious people laughing

religious beliefs nothing they don't

laugh at shit I want you to understand

how big this is there was an American

here entertaining people from Middle

East there was no violence no bloodshed

no problems everybody was smiling

everybody was getting along it is

possible an American was here an

American was here he kept saying

American American American freaking ten

years be called a Latino comic I had to

go all the way around the world to

finally get called America

I was excited I was like say it again

American and then I had the most surreal

conversation I have ever had with the

person he looks at me and he says I want

to thank you for everything I want to

invite you and your friends to come to

my palace so that I may entertain you

look are you freaking kidding me I am

NOT getting invited to a palace by a

prince oh my god up until this point my

only experience with royalty was a

Burger King drive-thru all of a sudden

one of those SUVs pulls up and a guy

jumps out in a suit and I guess his

favorite word was please cuz that's all

he said please please please please

please please please like are you

kidding me there's a man in a suit

trying to get me in the back of a

Lincoln Navigator and there's a prince

invited me to his palace I'm not gonna

lie I felt like a hot chick we get to

the front of his palace you guys I'm not

gonna lie it didn't look like a palace

the walls are really high there's Bob

wire around the entire property and

there's two guys in the front with

machine guns I'm looking at this and I'm

like opposed and I started thinking what

if I'm on some messed-up episode of

Middle Eastern Punk'd here in a like you

don't want to ballet as you go to prison

and your body

fortunately the doors opened up and we

drive in and then they closed and when

we got outside you guys what we saw was

amazing

outside desert inside palm trees bushes

shrubs a pond and he had exotic pets

I know exotic pets cuz I know what I

have over there freaking zebra monkeys

and he had a freaking boa constrictor

look are you kidding me snakes monkeys a

zebra and a tiger oh my god that makes

me Kung Fu Panda

and I started thinking what if he

decides to keep me it sounds messed up

but let me explain as an American you

cannot just purchase an airline ticket

to go to Saudi Arabia you have to be

invited by a person of power you know

when I left Detroit to go over there I

had to fill out a form that says I

understand that I'm going to Saudi

Arabia and should something happen to me

one of those things on the list being

kidnapping conveniently right above

death America is not responsible the

prince could have actually your mind

two weeks later now he's showing someone

else around it is my snake at this my

zebra that is my Mexican that is my

tiger your SATA some little boxes is

gibreel

but it never happened and we're walking

around and I actually pulled him aside

for a second I said listen up I gotta

tell you something

well you tell me I need to apologize

what did you do I didn't do anything I

just want to apologize for coming here

with the wrong mentality I says

unfortunately I thought they just you

know because it is the Middle East I

thought you guys were gonna be rude and

everybody's been nothing but nice ah I

know I didn't think you guys were gonna

speak English so well and understand you

know so many references and you guys get

everything ah I know I thought you guys

were gonna throw rocks but you were

funny

what never mind

what a three wearing so we're walking

and he's showing me this and that and

I'm we're just kind of like looking

around I thought it was great and then I

saw something that freaked me out

we're walking in the direction of a

giant cage and when I saw the cage I

stopped like what's with the cage dick

look great so I walk over towards the

cage and I look inside and I noticed

that there's birds in there

and I go okay cool it's a bird cage he

got off and in here there's not regular

birds

those are Falcons like okay well you

have a lot of Falcons oh you use a

Falcons for hunting you hunt Falcons no

no no no each Falcon is very expensive

100,000 US dollars they are trained we

go out and we shoot a little animal and

we send a Falcon three three would you

like to see no no no before I know it

here comes the other guy please please

please

and he goes inside the cage and he puts

on this leather glove that comes up to

his elbow and he starts getting one of

the Falcons I'm watching him do this and

I noticed all the Falcons are on these

perches about this high and there's

about 15 in a row and they all have

hoods covering their eyes and I asked

them why do they have hoods on their

eyes man they look like little hostages

shit sorry bro

I'm sorry I meant no disrespect five

Hannah seriously no no disrespect I was

a slip

anyone's cool I understand Middle East

hostage so the other guy comes out and

he's got a Falcon with him and he's got

a glove and he hands me the glove and I

put it on and he transfers his Falcon to

my arm and all of a sudden he starts

doing snapping things and he's basically

showing me that the Falcons trained and

I thought that was grandpa we're gonna

kill something I'm like no but we were

just playing with the Falcon and I

started getting excited you know and the

more excited I got the more the Prince

started showing his age cuz then he got

excited I'm like this is great it is

great yes this is so cool so cool my

cards are lucky to have so many Falcons

I am so lucky would you like a falcon so

matter-of-fact like would you like a

cookie

would you like a falcon same way are you

kidding me don't give me a falcon that

can retrieve things shoo you think I'm

lazy now hell no don't give me a bone

I wouldn't even leave the house I'd be

at the front door doughnuts

and who the hell is gonna watch my

Falcon when I'm up here performing I

can't leave it with my buddy might have

been in the back you know he would abuse

it take it to some nightclub try to hook

up with that freakin hit the redhead

[Applause]

two weeks later this is bullshit no man

we were out there you guys in the Middle

East for over two weeks and after two

weeks of being there hey sit down

hi Mary

[Applause]

oh just like the last special where I

started talking about Chico's tacos next

thing you know people all over the world

talking about Chico's tacos

after this special comes out they're

gonna be people all over the world

calling each other ma who's

[Applause]

[Music]

so you guys I wanted to find a very

special way to close out this event and

I thought it would be great if I could

tell an old story that was from years

ago that never made it to a one-hour

special and the cool part about this

story is that it it now has a different

ending the story is called the gift

basket some of you know it some of you

don't know it but after this you're

never gonna forget it all you have to

know about this story is that all the

people involved have always been and

will continue to be friends that being

said Matt Athena and I all the good ones

start like that Matt Athena and I are

scheduled to perform in Northern

California usually we fly but this

particular day I was having a problem

with Southwest Airlines they wanted me

to pay for an extra seat for someone who

wasn't traveling with me

take your time you'll figure it out

anyway I tell my Dafina I'm not paying

for an extra seat let's just drive at

six hours so we headed north

three hours under the drive we're

passing through a city called Fresno and

as we're passing a Fresno five five nine

different way anyway as we're passing

through Fresno we start seeing

billboards off the side of the freeway

that said performing this weekend at the

Radisson Hotel directly from BET's

comicview and Showtime at the Apollo

comedian G Reilly and I look at my

Athena go oh shoot she's in town yeah I

haven't seen G in years

so we're like let's stop by the hotel

and say hi so we pull into the parking

lot we walk in I tell him out of bean he

doesn't know we're here I'm gonna crank

call his room cuz what were you gonna

say I said I'm gonna tell him that I'm

the front desk and that he just received

a gift basket cuz what's so funny about

a gift basket I said I'm gonna describe

it over the phone and I'm gonna make all

the items that are in this imaginary

basket become items that's

stereotypically a black person might

like it's you crazy I said I'll tell you

what we got two hours to kill how about

this how about we go to the supermarket

and we make an actual racist gift basket

and we'll have it delivered and we'll

wait outside to see what happens I said

are you down we go to a store and we

start to design the sickest practical

joke ever I get a shopping cart and I'm

like all right we need a basket so I

find one I take out the grass the

plastic eggs and the chocolate rabbits

and we started hitting the aisles first

item I grabbed is a Fried Chicken about

that big

see how quick that laugh was a few black

people in here like motherfucker this

better be funny

it's hysterical let me just finish the

story and then you could judge me in the

parking lot so anyway then my peen hands

me a miniature watermelon and I put it

next to the fried chicken here's where

it gets interesting employees of the

store find out what we're doing and they

start volunteering to help us finish the

basket half of the employees were black

which made it so much more accurate

aisle after aisle one guy was stocking a

shelf he was an older white guy and

we're like sir can you help us what do

you need my buddy my Tina and I are

trying to make this messed up racist

gift basket for our black friend as a

practical joke can you think of

something we could put in there without

even blinking an eye the guy was like

have kool aid set the end of the aisle

on the right malt liquors an X ray all

over in the back of the store in the

freezer section it's on sale two-for-one

by the time we get to the register all

these different employees plus us came

up with the basket the Hat

fried chicken watermelon kool-aid grape

soda barbecue potato chips sunflower

seeds an ebony magazine a Chris Rock DVD

called bigger and blacker Magnum condoms

Newport cigarettes a rack of ribs the

recipe for cornbread it was getting

bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger

icing on the cake we find a greeting

card that's on clearance from Halloween

and it has a picture of three ghosts on

the cover wearing sheets I tear off the

half that says happy Halloween and on

the back of the card I write welcome to

Fresno love the Chamber of Commerce and

we stick it to the basket we made it all

nice and pretty and we haul ass to the

hotel

we pull up we walk in the basket is hot

as hell so I'm racing it I get inside

and I put it on the counter as fast as I

can bro it's too perfect there's a black

girl behind the front desk as soon as I

put the basket down I hear is that

chicken Oh hold on what is it let me

explain my name is Gabriel this is my

Athene we're a couple of comedians and

we're about to play a really crazy

practical joke on a friend of ours who's

staying here tonight by the name of

jeera Lee who's also a comedian I woulda

won this on the science on the free went

yet I won this on the science on the

freeway so as a practical joke we went

to the store and we made this messed up

racist gift basket that's that's why you

can smell fried chicken and she was like

[Music]

you need Jesus that's a jewel named Gigi

girl you better hang up that phone

you ain't gonna believe what I'm looking

at over here girl listen we think it

would be hysterical if we could have you

deliver the basket for us she lost it

oh the hell you didn't I know you didn't

just ask me to take that to a black man

you are damn olá give me the strength to

not kill this big-ass Mexican over here

long okay look here nacho libre I don't

care who you are I am NOT doing it hail

now I'll give you 50 bucks where that

motherfucker

[Laughter]

we follow her to the hotel room she

knocks on the door might have been and I

hide by the elevator on the floor she

knocks she opens the door sees a

beautiful black woman standing there

with a gift basket this is for you baby

he says thank you

closes the door she walks away and she

sees us on the ground hiding right and

she's like y'all still gonna Hale we get

up and we walk over to the door and we

put our ears listen this is what we hear

inside oh cool a he's getting excited

over every single item he's pulling out

of the basket he gets to the greeting

card what kind of Fresno love the

Chamber of Commerce hell yeah then we

feel him flipping the card over because

his voice changed he's like oh yeah man

is it what the fuck outside the door we

heard racist bastards well we heard

racist bastards we lost it housekeeping

is freaking out Kendall status

Kendyl we're laughing we're crying we

got boogers coming out we can't take it

anymore we knock on the door he yells

who is it too easy

Chamber of Commerce he rushes the Thor I

put my finger on the people so he can't

see who it is right the knob starts to

jiggled and the Thor explodes open and

he's like what and he sees us and he's

like what's up g-man don't give a

brother heart attack did you like your

basket man that was messed up did you

like it man I loved all that shit

[Applause]

and now ladies and gentlemen a story

that has been seven years in the making

I would like for you to now hear for the

first time ever the other side of that

story ladies and gentlemen I fooled him

here to Hawaii so that he can share this

with you give it up for my friend mr. G

I gotta be honest I didn't know it was

racist I thought it was lunch I didn't

know what rage until I got back to my

neighborhood and brothers in my

neighborhood looks for me they say man I

don't believe you let that Mexican guy

do that to you man that was messed up I

know you got him back

I said well buy him lunch I can't afford

to buy that man lunch if I buy him lunch

he'll be getting me again but you

understand it was the perfect set of

circumstances when it happened because

I'm laying across the bed in the hotel

I'd never been to Fresno before and I

wanted something to eat and I didn't

know where to go eat so I'm laying

across the bed and I'm saying to myself

where can I go eat I wish I had some

food and all of a sudden magically

there's a knock on the door and a black

girl shows up with a gift basket and I

took the gift basket and I said they

know how to treat their comedians up

here Fresno and I'm walking to the bed

and I can feel the heat and I can smell

the chicken from the gift basket not my

oh this is cool but nobody smells

chicken and thinks the racism

[Applause]

firstly I see the watermelon oh this is

cool they know how to treat a comedian

up in here I get to the card and I look

at the card and I go what the fuck is

going on I said oh my god

I'm working for the Ku Klux Klan

and I really I really started to panic

because in my head I'm saying to myself

is this for real cuz there were

billboards all over the city with my

picture and I started thinking they were

trying to scare me out of town so now I

don't know what to do right and I start

trying to call the promoter and the

promoters not answering the phone

and it's festering in my head and I'm

nervous and I'm pacing in the room and

all of a sudden there's a knock on the

door right now go oh my god they come to

get me so I ease over to the door right

and I look through the people right and

all I see is a brown dot right I hear

somebody out there cuz I hear the

breathing right I hear this was about

sixty pounds ago right so I gotta look

under the door right oh my god it gotta

be about five or six I'm about

so I figured like this I figure okay you

know what if it's gonna happen it's

gonna happen you know if it's gonna

happen I'm gonna go down swinging right

so I put my best black face on you know

why I tried to look me you know I look I

look like this guy right here I look

like that guy right there and I go who

is it and they go Chamber of Commerce

with me oh my god the Chamber of

Commerce is the Ku Klux Klan and I'm

panicking

so I get to the door right and I pull

open the door open and when the door

opens up these guys are falling all over

the hall laughing at me

they're rolling all into the cleaning

ladies caught the cleaning lady didn't

know what was going on right she scared

it cuz she sees a black dude with no

shirt like this so she grabs the lemon

plays like his pepper spray right

everything now that I realize it's a

practical joke everything calms down cuz

I remember that I remember how hungry I

was I'm like okay cool

practical joke right so I go in the

bathroom to wash my hands while I'm in

the bathroom washing my hands I hear a

commotion in the other room right I go

back in the other room they're going

through the gift basket the maid is

leaving with the watermelon my team is

drinking my forty

unity to laughter painting thank you so

much

[Music]

[Applause]

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

thank you guys so much for being part of

this I love you and I'm gonna make you

guys proud this is gonna air next year

on Comedy Central and everybody's gonna

love it thank you thank you thank you

okay stop that thank you so much Rinat

love your bra I'll see you guys later

[Music]

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