All language subtitles for Meet.the.Parents.2000.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG-eng

I know we haven't
been together that long,

but these last ten months have
just been the happiest of my life.

You're not only the person I love,
you're also my best friend,

and I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Seriously.
Do you think that sounds good?

– No!
– Really?

– 'Cause I think that kinda sums up…
– No!

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Sometimes these catheters
can pinch a little bit.

Well, thanks for listening.
I really appreciate it.

You've got a real
gentle touch there, doctor.

She won't be able to say no.

Actually, I'm a nurse.
Doctor'll be right in.

– Good luck, Greg.
– Thanks, Kim.

Good luck, buddy.

OK, it's time
for our problem of the week.

I want you to pick out your problem,

a problem that's been
bothering you all week,

with your eyes still closed…

…I want you to picture that problem
in your mind.

Pretend that it's right there
in front of you.

Not only are you my best friend,

but you're also the person I
wanna spend the rest of my life with.

I love you.
Will you… marry me?

Now I want you to scare your
problems away. I want you to say, «boo.»

Boo.

– Boo!
– Boo!

All right, you guys are great.

Very good. I will see you guys
after lunch, all right?

Hey, Pam, isn't that
your special friend outside?

Yeah, I think so.

Why don't you go talk to him?

– You think I should?
– Yeah.

Come here.

– Hi, sweetie.
– How you doin'?

– What's going on?
– I just was in the neighborhood.

Got off work early. Thought maybe
you wanted to get a bite to eat.

Oh, that's very sweet.
What a nice surprise.

Oh, shoot, I forgot to change my shoes.

You don't have to change. I can't
resist a man in nurse's shoes.

I know, but I got sneakers
in my backpack.

– It'll just take a second.
– OK.

Honey…

– Pam, I love you.
– Yeah?

I love you, too.
Come on, sweetie.

I got a half hour before I have to be
back, so you wanna go have lunch?

– What are you doing?
– Nothing.

I just love you so much.

These last ten months have been
the happiest of my life.

Yeah, they've been amazing.
What's going on?

Nothing. I just…
I just feel like we're so close.

You're my best friend, and you're
also the woman that I love, and…

Are you OK, sweetie?
You're acting so weird.

I'm fine.
I just got a crick in my neck.

I was doing CPR on a 300 pound
crack addict this morning.

Want me to massage your neck
or something?

– No, no, no, I'm fine, I'm good.
– A back rub? Are you sure?

Your kids, they're trying
to tell you something.

– What? Hold on.
– Look!

– Oh, it's my sister. Hello? Hi!
– I'm engaged!

Bob and I are getting married
in two weeks!

You're engaged! That's wonderful.
Congratulations!

Oh, my God, you're getting married
in two weeks. That's a little soon.

Wow, Mom and Dad really don't know
Bob very well. Dad was OK with this?

– Well, Bob asked Dad.
– Wow, that was very thoughtful of him.

I can't believe he knew
to ask Dad's permission.

Yeah.

I'm just here with Greg. He's gonna
take me out for lunch. He's OK.

OK, yeah, I know you gotta go.
All right. I love you.

OK, I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

So what's going on? What?
Debbie's marrying that guy?

Yeah, in two weeks. Dr. Bob of Denver.
Isn't that great?

Yeah, yeah, that's… Didn't they
just meet like a few months ago?

Well, yeah, but, you know,
he asked her, and she said yes.

He asked my dad. He said yes.
Then he asked Debbie.

Yeah, I overheard that. So, what,
like he had to ask his permission?

No, no, he didn't have to.

Bob understood that Dad appreciates
that kind of thing, you know?

Anyway, Deb said
that Dad's crazy about him.

Evidently, Bob bought him
the perfect gift that won him over.

– You know?
– Really? A gift?

Are you sure it's OK to X-ray this?

Yeah, it's not gonna mutate or anything.

– Sir, that's not gonna fit.
– Wait. Hang on a second.

The bag's too big, guy.
You gotta check it.

Over here.

– Raise your arms, sir.
– Look.

I've got an engagement ring
for my girlfriend in the bag.

I can't really open it here.
Don't you think I can just carry it on?

Hey, pal, if it ain't
fittin' through the frame,

you ain't carryin' it on the plane.

– 531. New York La Guardia. Check it.
– Wait, wait!

– Excuse me!
– Don't worry, pal.

It'll be waitin' for you
on the other side.

Welcome to New York's
La Guardia Airport.

Excuse me. Hi.

You lost my bag, and there's
a two-carat diamond ring inside it.

I didn't lose your anything, sir.

But put your local address on this form,
and we'll ship it when it surfaces.

What if it doesn't? Am I supposed
to spend the entire weekend

with just the clothes on my back?

It's a great gift. I just thought
you were gonna get them champagne.

I think your dad is gonna be
very psyched about this gift.

Well, don't forget he's retired, though.

The guy was in the rare-flower business.
I think he still maintains an interest.

You make it sound like
they're really hard to please.

No, not at all!

He's the sweetest man
in the whole world. Just relax!

– He's gonna love you. I promise.
– As much as he loves Dr. Bob?

Take it easy on the sarcasm.
Humor is entirely wasted on my parents.

What, are they Amish?

OK, no jokes.

– What are you doing?
– What?

I told you my dad sees smoking
as a sign of weakness.

OK, all right,
I'll leave 'em in the car.

No, no, no, no, he'll check there.

– Oh, gosh.
– What…

Yeah, the roof is
probably a better idea.

Hey. Oh, and…

…we're not living together.

– I thought you said you told him.
– Well…

– Hi, Daddy! Hi!
– Sweet pea!

– I missed you so much, Pamcake.
– I missed you too, Flapjack.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Short stack, short stack, coming up.

Where's my «wittle» girl?

– Mommy! Mom!
– You look so beautiful.

So do you. Look at you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Mom, Dad, this is Greg.

Hi, Greg.
I'm Pam's father, Jack Byrnes.

Great to finally meet you.

– Good meeting you.
– And I'm Dina. Welcome to Oyster Bay.

Oh…

What are you driving there, a Ford?

Oh, yeah, it's a Taurus.

We were gonna get a mid-size, but I
figure, hey, we pull down decent bucks.

Might as well go all out,
pop for the full-size.

Sure. Interesting color. You pick it?

Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Why?

Well, they say geniuses pick green.

– But you didn't pick it.
– Jack!

Oh, yucky. What smells
of old sour milk?

– Poor Greg got spit up on by a baby.
– He didn't.

He did, Ma, at the lost luggage
counter. The airline lost his bag.

They didn't!

– Yeah.
– Yeah, they did.

– What about you, honey?
– Oh, no. I carried on.

That's my girl.

It'll turn up, I'm sure.

And anyway, Greg, meanwhile,
anything you need, just ask.

– That's right. Mi casa es su casa.
– Oh, thanks, Jack. You too.

Yeah.

– Hey, Mom, the house looks great.
– Really? Oh, good.

– We spruced up for the wedding.
– This is so nice.

– We like it.
– Beautiful.

Oh, now, Greg, you have
a very unique last name.

We were curious,
how do you pronounce it?

Oh, just like it's spelled.

F-O-C-K-E-R.

– Focker.
– Focker.

– Oh, I'll get it, honey.
– Oh, thanks, Mom.

– There he is. There's our little guy.
– Jinxy, come here, boy.

Come here, baby. Come to Daddy, Jinxy.
Come on. Come on, Jinxy.

– Come here. Come to Daddy.
– Jinxy!

Come on.
Taught him that in one week.

This is Pam's cat, Jinxy.
Jinxy, say hello to Greg.

– Wave to Greg.
– Hello, Jinx.

Attaboy.
That took me another week.

– Oh, my gosh.
– Pam, I didn't know you had a cat.

I left him here
when I moved to Chicago.

Your daddy's found
his new best friend.

You won't believe it.
He even taught him to use the potty.

– He did? Dad, that's kinda weird.
– What's so weird about it?

Now we don't have to smell kitty litter.

– That's right.
– Right?

That's incredible. How did you
teach the cat to use the toilet?

Oh, that was easy, Greg.

I just designed a litter box
to put inside the toilet,

and then once he got used to it,
I took it away.

– Yeah, makes sense.
– I don't think he likes it.

I mean, every chance he gets,
he tries to dig, squat and bury.

I had to move
all my potted plants off the floor.

Plus, you got another guy around
the house to leave the seat up.

He can't lift the seat, Greg.

He lacks the strength
and the opposable thumbs.

Ah, right. Opposable…
I didn't think about that.

Jinx is strictly a house cat.

Can't let him outside because
he lacks outdoor survival skills.

One of those things,
isn't it, sweetheart?

I don't think Greg will be playing
with Jinxy too much. He hates cats.

Pam, I don't hate cats.

I don't hate cats. I just happen
to be more of a dog lover.

– Yeah, yeah.
– I am too.

Well, that's OK
if you hate cats, Greg.

No! I don't.
I don't hate cats at all.

That's OK. Just be honest about it.
There's some things I hate.

I… I'm being honest.
Really? Like what?

Honey, why don't we let
the kids freshen up, huh?

Greg, you come with me.

We'll get you something to wear
from Jack's closet, OK?

– OK.
– Oh, honey, honey, honey, honey.

– Yeah?
– I'm so happy you're home, sweetheart.

Me too, Daddy.

Hey, listen, be nice to this one,
OK? I kinda like him.

– OK, I'll try.
– Thank you.

– Shirt fit OK, Greg?
– Oh, fantastic. Thanks, Jack.

Good. Tom Collins coming up.

You know, I wish you hadn't
told your parents I hate cats.

But you do hate cats.

You didn't have to tell them
right when we met.

I know. I'm sorry.
It just kinda slipped out.

Get your red-hot pu-pus.
My goodness, what is that?

Oh, that's just a little something
from me. Go ahead. Open it up.

Look, honey,
Greg brought us a present.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Oh, look at this. It's a flowerpot
with the dirt in it.

Actually, the real gift
is what's planted in the soil.

The bulb of a Jerusalem tulip.

Which I was told is one of the rarest
and most beautiful flowers in existence.

Oh, right, right, the Jerusalem…

…from the jerusales tulipesias
genus. Yes, yes.

Anyway, yeah, the guy said
with regular watering,

it should bloom in about
six months, so…

Oh, we'll look forward to that, Greg.

So, Greg, how's your job?

Good, Pam. Thanks for asking.

I… I recently
got transferred to triage.

Oh, is that better than a nurse?

No, Mom, triage is a unit of the E.R.

– It's where all the top nurses work.
– Well…

No, they do.

Not many men in your profession,
though, are there, Greg?

No, Jack, not traditionally.

Oh, Pam, honey, did you know that
your father started his own business?

– Really? Dad, that's great.
– Oh, wow!

Yes, I thought with
my knowledge and experience,

why should I allow
retirement to stop me?

– I really admire that.
– Yeah.

So what is it?
What's the new venture?

Let me ask you a question, Greg.
Let's just say you have kids

and you wanna get out of the house,
spend a night on the town. You know?

So you hire a baby-sitter,
someone you think you can trust.

References, work experience…
it all checks out fine.

But then how do you
really know for certain

that your loved ones are safe
with this stranger?

I mean, can you ever really trust
another human being, Greg?

– Sure, I think so.
– No, the answer is you cannot.

Let me show you something.
Take a look at this, Greg.

What's this look like to you?

This looks like a teddy bear.

Smile, you're on «nanny camera.»

Oh, yeah, yeah! I've seen
these things advertised on TV.

Oh, no, not like this, you haven't.
Take a look.

Oh, my gosh. Hi!
Where's the other camera?

Right here in this decorative artifact.

– Wow, that's great.
– Our cameras are motion-activated,

so they begin taping as soon
as they sense any movement.

We can hide 'em in anything. Mirrors,
lamps, televisions, you name it.

So no matter where you go…

…we'll be watching you.

So, Jack, couldn't this maybe
be construed as illegal?

You know, invasion of privacy?

Trust me, Greg, when you start
having little Fockers running around,

you'll understand the need
for this level of protection.

Impressive, isn't it?

Quite.

– Oh, I'll get that.
– I'll get it. Honey, I'll get it.

OK.

Any problem with the documents?

OK. I'll meet you at the Oyster Bay
drugstore in about 20 minutes.

Now you gotta be more careful
when you call here.

If anybody else answers,
just use a Southern accent

and ask for the vegetarian special, OK?

Wow. All this
and the wedding's on Sunday?

– Oh, that wasn't the airline, was it?
– Nope, wrong number.

We're all out of Collins mix,
so I'm gonna make a run to the store.

That's funny.
I thought I just bought some.

You know how that stuff,
it just goes, so I'll be back in a jiff.

Well, why doesn't Greg go with you?

Sweetie, you'll need something in case
your suitcase doesn't show up.

– Oh, I'm sure it'll show up.
– Yeah.

You don't wanna take a chance.
You don't have a toothbrush.

– Go on, sweetie.
– Yeah.

OK, unless you want some privacy.

– Why would I need privacy?
– No, I didn't think you would.

– OK, let's head out.
– Oh, good.

Bye.

Have fun, you guys.
Pam, he seems wonderful.

– He is. We have the best time together.
– Good.

Now, have you two been…?

– Mother!
– Thinking about anything permanent.

Oh, I don't know. I mean,
we haven't really discussed it,

but I definitely
have a feeling this is it.

Dad seems to like him.
Don't you think?

Absolutely.

– Big day, Saturday.
– This car…

Yes. This car is…

You got… What do you use?
Unleaded? Regular unleaded?

Premium.

Hey, you know, Jack, now that
we have a second to talk,

I just want you to know
how much Pam means to me.

I know that we haven't
been together that long,

but the time that we have spent
together has been really incredible.

Greg, how come you don't like cats?

I don't not like cats.
I just… I just prefer dogs.

I mean, I'm just more
of a dog kind of, you know…

Come home, wagging their little tails,
happy to see you kind of…

You need that assurance, do you? You
prefer an emotionally shallow animal?

I…

You see, Greg,
when you yell at a dog,

his tail will go between his legs
and cover his genitals,

his ears will go down.

A dog is very easy to break, but cats
make you work for their affection.

They don't sell out the way dogs do.

You like Peter, Paul and Mary?

Yes, I do. I'm a big fan.

– Great song.
– Yeah, one of my favorites.

Who would've thought it wasn't
really about a dragon, huh?

What do you mean?

You know, the whole drug thing.

No, I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?

Some people think that…

…to «Puff the Magic Dragon»
means to…

They're really…

To smoke… to smoke…

A marijuana cigarette.

Well, Puff's just the name
of the boy's magical dragon.

Right.

– Are you a pothead, Focker?
– No! No.

What? No, no, no, no, Jack.
No, I'm, I'm not… I…

I pass on grass all the time.

– I mean, not all the time.
– Yes or no, Greg?

No. Yes. No.

Look, Greg, I'll meet you back
out front in about 12 to 15 minutes.

OK.

– Hey. Hi.
– Hey. How you doing? Hey.

Do you have any of those
nicotine patches?

No. We have the gum.

– Great.
– You chew it.

Thank you. Yes, OK. And what's your
most expensive bottle of champagne?

Mumm's. It's on sale for 13.95.

Really? That's it?
You don't have, like,

a nice, like, 80 or $100 bottle
of something?

You can get
a whole bunch of Mumm's.

– Focker.
– Hey, Jack. Ready to go?

I've been ready, yeah.
They ran out of Collins mix.

– You been waiting here long?
– No, I was just reading up about…

– …pumps.
– Pumps?

Yes. Breast pumps.

I grew up on a farm.

Get your hot buns, hot patooties.

Wow, Dina,
everything looks fabulous.

It's such a treat for me to have
a home-cooked meal like this.

Dinner at my house usually consisted
of everybody in the kitchen

fighting over containers
of Chinese food.

You poor thing. What, there
wasn't enough food to go around?

No, there was. We just never really
sat down like a family like this.

Greg, would you like to say grace?

Oh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad.
You know that.

You're telling me Jews
don't pray, honey?

– Unless you have some objection.
– No, no, no, no, I'd love to.

Pam, come on, it's not like
I'm a rabbi or something.

I've said grace at many a dinner table.

Let's…

OK.

O dear God…

…thank you.

You are such a good God to us,
a kind and gentle…

…and accommodating God.

And we thank you, O sweet,
sweet Lord of hosts…

…for the…

…smorgasbord you have so aptly

lain at our table this day…

…and each day… by day.

Day by day by day.

O dear Lord, three things we pray.

To love Thee more dearly,

to see Thee more clearly,

to follow Thee more nearly…

…day by day… by day.

– Amen.
– Amen.

Oh, Greg, that was lovely.

Thank you, Greg.
That was interesting, too.

Oh, that's a… That's a lovely vase.
That's great.

Let me guess, Jack. Is that
one of your secret cameras, too?

Greg, Greg. That's an urn which holds
the remains of Jack's mother.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

That's all right.
You didn't know, Greg.

– I'm…
– That's our gran-gran.

We like to think of her
as watching over us as we eat.

Love you, Ma. Miss you.

Miss you every day.

Oh, honey, why don't you
read Greg your poem?

Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.

What? No! What-what-what poem?

You see, when Jack had to retire

– for health reasons…
– That's a bunch of malarky. I'm fine.

The doctor thought it would be
therapeutic if he

sort of expressed his emotions
in an artistic way.

Honey, you wrote the most beautiful
poem about your mother.

Please, we really wanna hear it.

– Poem, poem.
– Please!

Oh, all right.
It's a work in progress.

I'm still not happy with it.

As soon as it's ready,

then I am going to glaze it
onto a plate

– and put it next to the urn.
– Nice.

It's very special.

My Mother by Jack Byrnes.

«You gave me life, you gave me milk

You gave me courage

Your name was Angela
the angel from heaven

But you were also an angel of God
and he needed you too

Selfishly I tried to keep you here

While the cancer ate away your organs

Like an unstoppable rebel force.

But I couldn't save you
and I shall see your face…

Nevermore, nevermore

Nevermore…

Until we meet… in heaven»

Daddy, that's beautiful.

– It always gets me.
– Amazing. So…

So much love, yet also
so much information.

It takes a lot out of him.

– Greg, would you like some yams?
– Thank you. Oh, yeah.

You must've had vegetables fresher
than that, growing up on a farm, Greg.

Dad, Greg grew up in Detroit.

He told me he grew up on a farm.

– Do they have many farms in Detroit?
– No, Dina, no, not a lot.

In fact, Jack, I should clarify this.

I didn't actually grow up…
on a farm per se.

The house we grew up in
was originally erected

in the early Dutch farm, Colonial style.

So that, plus we had a lot of pets…

– Which one did you milk then?
– Dad!

– Honey, he said he pumped milk.
– What have you ever milked?

A cat.

A cat?

I milked a cat once.

– You wanna hear a story?
– Sure.

My sister had a cat, and the cat
birthed a litter of kittens.

Must've been 30 of them,
and there was this one little runt…

this little sweet little…
little-engine-that-could runt

who wanted to get up there and couldn't
really get access to the… to the…

…to the… to the… to the teat.

Teat?

– Dad.
– What have you.

I went in and just simply,
you know, just…

…into a little saucer,

then took the saucer and fed it
to Geppetto… that's what I named him.

I had… I had no idea
you could milk a cat.

Oh, yeah, you can milk
anything with nipples.

I have nipples, Greg.
Could you milk me?

OK, could we change
the subject perhaps?

– Champagne, champagne.
– Yes.

Maybe we could celebrate
with a little bubbly.

That'd be great. Good idea.

«I have nipples. Can you milk me?»

Well, in a funny way,
you've already seen Deb's ring.

That's true.

Would anybody care for a bottle

of Oyster Bay Drug and Sundries
finest champagne?

That is so sweet of you, Greg.
Isn't that a nice gesture?

That's very nice.

How could I have seen Debbie's ring?
I haven't been home for months.

Well, when I gave Bob
the OK to propose to Deb,

I put him in touch with my diamond guy,

and he picked out
the same design Kevin gave you.

– Kevin, your old boyfriend?
– Thanks, Dad.

Well, yeah,
Kevin was Pam's fiance.

Oh, my God. Jinxy, no!

Jinxy, no!

Oh, God.

Shit.

– Greg, sweetie, how you doing?
– Oh, just fine,

considering I desecrated
your grandma's remains,

found out you were engaged and
had your father ask me to milk him.

At least back then he was
still talking to me.

I can't believe you didn't
tell me you were that close.

– Who, Daddy and me?
– No, Kevin and you.

Do we have to know everything
about each other's pasts?

You never told me about
your cat-milking days in Motown.

That was a long time ago, Pam.

Yeah, OK, well, so was this.

Kevin's and my connection
was more physical than anything else.

Physical? Like what?
Like you worked out together?

No, no, it was nothing, nothing.
It was a stupid sexual thing.

I'm gonna go throw up now.

Greg, listen. Kevin and I
were only engaged for a month

before I realized
that I'd made a mistake, OK?

I… I… I gave back the ring,
I moved to Chicago,

and I met and fell in love with you,
OK, so can we please drop this?

– OK.
– Good.

I just feel like this is
not going well at all.

– I feel like your dad hates me.
– He doesn't hate you, sweetie.

Come on. Just give him
a chance, all right?

Maybe he's nervous too, huh?

I thought he would love my gift,
you know, being this big flower guy,

but it's like he didn't even show
the slightest bit of interest.

Listen to me. Forget the gift.

You are the most adorable, loving,
sweetest man in the whole world,

and I love you.

And very soon my parents
are gonna see that,

and grow to love you too, OK? OK?

Speaking of growing to love you…

– Honey, it's late. Come on.
– I know it's late.

But Mr. Winky is still on Chicago time,

and we both know there's only one way
to make Mr. Winky go away.

Greg?

And there it is.

What's with the robe?

It's Pam's. My pajamas are in
the suitcase with everything else.

Hey, I'll lend you a pair of Jack's.

– OK, honey?
– Sure.

– You don't have to do that, Dina.
– Oh, no, no.

No, that's fine. We have to.

– Thank you.
– You're welcome.

Look, Greg, I just wanna say, don't
worry about what happened tonight.

Oh, well, thanks, Jack.
Still, I feel horrible. I mean…

Well, it was a horrible thing.

But let's just put all that behind us
and enjoy our weekend together.

– OK. OK.
– Thank you, Daddy.

– Oh, thank you.
– Thanks, Mom.

– These'll do just fine.
– Good night.

Night-night. Why'd you give him
my favorite pair?

– Good night. See you in the morning.
– Good night.

– Have a nice sleep.
– OK, you too.

Oh, no, no, no, Greg, we made up
the pullout for you down in the den.

Oh, OK, 'cause Pam said
I should sleep in Debbie's room.

Well, Debbie'll be
sleeping here tomorrow.

This way, you'll have more privacy,
you'll have your own bathroom.

Just try not to flush the toilet.
It's always a little quirky.

– OK.
– Oh, one more thing.

I'm a realist. I understand
it's the 21st century,

and you've probably had premarital
relations with my daughter.

But under our roof, it's my way
or the Long Island Expressway.

– Is that understood?
– Of course, yeah.

Good. Keep your snake
in its cage for 72 hours.

OK.

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Sorry.

I don't know what it is, but there's
something about him that's a little off.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jack,
you know we've been through this

with every boyfriend Pam has had
since, what, middle school.

I think Greg…
He's a lovely young man.

And, honey, Pam thinks
he might be the one.

She said that?
She said those exact words?

I didn't tape record it, Jack,
but that's the impression.

I just feel sorry, the poor boy
never had a home-cooked meal.

What kind of a family doesn't have time
to sit down for dinner?

– Fugitives.
– Please try to enjoy the weekend.

– Both our daughters are in love.
– That's what I'm worried about.

– Oh, geez, I just realized something.
– What?

– Pam's middle name.
– Martha.

Oh, no.

Pamela Martha Focker.

«Operation Ko Samui»?

Looking for something, Greg?

Jesus, Jack, you scared me.

I heard a noise, so I came down
to see if everything was OK.

Everything's fine.
I just… I'm sorry.

I saw a light on,
and I kinda stumbled in.

– I didn't realize…
– That's OK. See anything interesting?

No, not at all. I mean, I mean…

I mean, this is great, though.
I love this… It's a cozy little nook.

I noticed you were looking
at that when I came in.

– Yeah.
– It's an antique polygraph machine.

Is that what that is?
I've seen these before,

but I never saw one actually up close.

You know what?

Why don't you try that on?

Oh, that's OK.

Oh, come on. We'll have some fun.
I'll show you how it works.

– I… I shouldn't.
– Why should you be afraid?

– You have nothing to hide.
– No, I know.

– So there shouldn't be any problem.
– No, there's no problem.

– So, try it on.
– OK.

I'll help you.

Don't worry. You'll enjoy this.

All right.

Looks complicated. Now, these aren't
100 percent accurate, right? They're…

You'd be surprised
how accurate they are.

They can tell fairly easily
if someone's lying or not.

Now I'm gonna ask you some questions,

and all you have to do
is answer «yes» or «no.»

– OK.
– All right. Let's give it a whirl.

– Did you fly on an airplane today?
– Yes, I did.

No peeking. Did we eat pot roast

– for dinner tonight?
– Yes.

Was it under-cooked?

No, it was rare.
It was a little rare for my taste.

– But I wouldn't…
– I'm just kidding, I'm just…

Relax. Relax.
The needles are jumping.

Have you ever watched
pornographic videos?

No.

– I mean, well, I don't…
– Yes or no?

– Hey!
– Hey.

What's the matter? You can't sleep?

No, no, I'm just going over
some of my answers

from the polygraph test
your dad just gave me.

– Oh, no, he didn't.
– Yeah, he did.

Well, did you lie to him?

No! I mean… Well, he asked me
if we were living together,

– and…
– What'd you tell him?

I… nothing.
Your mother walked in

and yanked the little thingies
off before I had to answer.

This how you'd react if I told you

he shoved bamboo shoots
up my fingernails?

Or does he hook all your boyfriends
up to his little machine?

Well, he doesn't need a machine.
He's a human lie detector.

What?

Greg, my father was never
in the rare flower business.

That was just his cover.

He was in the CIA for 34 years.

How could you not tell me this?

I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly
on a «need-to-know» basis.

So, what? He's in the CIA?
He was a spy? He is a spy?

No, he was more like
a psychological profiler.

They used him to interrogate suspected
double agents in the company.

Oh, that's great. Yeah.

I was scared of your dad back
when I thought he was a florist.

It's wonderful to know I've actually got
a CIA spy-hunter on my ass.

Would you stop?
You're doing great, OK?

This is a lot to take in, honey.
I'm sorry.

– It's just weird.
– Oh, I know, but you're doing fine.

I promise.

– No, no!
– What's wrong, sweetie?

I forgot. I'm not supposed
to let the snake out of my cage.

– Your what?
– I told your dad

I wouldn't touch you for 72 hours.

– I'm not in junior high anymore, so…
– No, no, no.

Seriously. I want to try
to respect his rules, OK?

OK. Fine.

Why don't you go ahead and get some
sleep, and I'll see you in the morning.

OK.

– Morning, Greg.
– Good morning.

Pam told me she let you in
on a little secret of mine last night.

Yes, she did.

As long as you can keep your
mouth shut for the rest of your life,

you're in no immediate danger.

I won't tell.

I'm just being humorous.

That was funny.

But the fact is, Greg, with
the knowledge you've been given,

you are now on the inside
of what I like to call

«the Byrnes family circle of trust.»

I keep nothing from you,
you keep nothing from me,

– and round and round we go.
– OK. Understood.

OK, good. Come on.
Let's go inside and have breakfast.

Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat
Where are you

I love you

Jinxy. Jinxy.

Not at the table, honey, please.

– Attaboy!
– Hey, hey, look who's up!

– Hi, sweetie.
– You must be Greg.

– Hello.
– Oh, look, somebody had

a visit from the hair fairy.

– Oh, yes.
– Nice 'do, nice 'do.

I'll do the intros.
Greg, this is my sister, Debbie.

– Hi. Nice to meet you.
– The bride-to-be. Congratulations.

– And her fiance, Dr. Bob.
– You can call me Bob… M.D.

– These are his parents, Linda Banks…
– Hi. How are you?

…and the world-famous
plastic surgeon, Dr. Larry.

Whoa, now, cut that out.

You know, Greg's
in medicine, too, Larry.

– Oh, really? What field?
– Nursing.

– That's good.
– No, really. What field?

Nursing.

Hey, why don't I get you
a chair, Greg?

Thank you. Thanks.

So, you didn't want
to go for the M.D.?

No, I actually thought about becoming a
doctor, but I decided it wasn't for me.

Just as well. Boards are killer.

Actually Greg aced his MCATs.

– You serious?
– No, I did OK.

Oh, he did more than OK. Trust me.

Why did you take the test if you weren't
planning on going to med school?

Well, I wanted to keep my options open,

but in the end,
nursing was a better fit for me.

It gives you the freedom to work
in several different areas of medicine.

Plus, I can focus
100 percent on patient care,

as opposed to being a doctor where
you have to deal with the bureaucracy.

Wasn't your friend Andy
supposed to be here by now?

Oh, my God!
I thought Deb told you.

Dr. Andy threw out his back.
He can't make the wedding.

Oh, damn. Now I have
to reconfigure the whole procession.

Bob, why doesn't Greg stand in
for Andy, be the usher?

– No, Pam, no.
– That'll be fine.

Bob, Greg'll be your second usher.

– Good.
– Yeah. Yeah, yeah, OK, sure.

Good. Let's all finish up
and get ready to go

because we have a pre-activity
briefing in about 32 minutes.

Thirty-two minutes!

You know what? In that case,
I'd better get upstairs

and pay a little visit
to the shower fairy.

Dina, thank you so much
for breakfast.

– Hey, you OK?
– Why didn't you wake me up?

I thought you'd like to sleep late.

Not when I'm a guest
in somebody's house.

– It's OK. Don't worry about it.
– No, it's not OK.

Tell that to Dr. Torquemada
in there with the grand inquisition.

Go take a shower, get dressed
and come back down.

– Get dressed in what?
– Borrow some more of dad's clothes.

– No, I don't… come on.
– Why not, honey?

I just… No, I don't feel comfortable
wearing your dad's underwear.

OK, well, go wake up Denny
and borrow some of his.

You want me to go wake up
your brother who I never met,

and ask if I could have
some of his clothes?

OK, all right.

– Where's Denny's room?
– Top of the stairs, turn right.

Denny?

Denny?

Denny?

Hello? Hello?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What the hell you doing in here?

I'm… I'm Greg, Pam's friend.

What? Were you just
sniffing my boxers, dude?

No, dude, no. No, no,
she said I could come up here,

– maybe borrow some clothes from you.
– Do me a favor. Close the door.

– OK.
– Quick.

– Tell anybody I wasn't here?
– No, they think you're asleep.

– Yeah, so, it's all good.
– You scared me.

Dad keeps you guys under
a pretty close watch, huh?

No, it's not that bad.

Your little Pamcake's got it
a lot worse than I do, you know?

You need some clothes.

Yes, that would be…
That would be great.

– Glad to hook you up. All right?
– Cool.

Like what you done with the crib.

Oh, Lil' Kim. She's phat.

P-h phat.

I think these oughta do it.
Here you go, chief.

– All right!
– Enjoy!

– Thanks a lot, Denny.
– No problem.

Oh, and don't worry about
the little covert op, all right?

– I'll keep it on the lowdown.
– Down low.

No doubt.

People, people, come get
your revised itineraries.

Larry, Linda, Debbie, Bob, honey.

Now, I'm gonna activate the alarm.
It'll go off in T minus 16 seconds.

– I don't think I need a jacket.
– It's cold out, honey.

Hold on. Here, take Denny's jacket.

– Denny, I'm lending Greg your jacket.
– Whatever.

– Let's go.
– Hurry, hurry. We're going to be late.

– Who is ready for the tux shop?
– Oh, fuck…

Denny, how's the tux fit?

– Dad…
– What's that?

It's a sculpture
I found in Greg's jacket.

This isn't a sculpture, Denny.
This is a device for smoking marijuana.

Really?

Not mine. It's not.

Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?

– I like the top hat. Complements you.
– Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sit down.

Did I not clearly explain
the circle of trust to you, Greg?

Yeah, I think I got it.

Then is there something
you wanna tell me?

I… I don't think so.

Didn't we have a discussion
yesterday in the car about this?

Oh, yes! You mean… yes!

You mean me and Pam. Yes,
I'd love to talk to you about that.

We're not talking about Pam.
We're talking about you.

See, if I can't trust you,
Greg, then I have no choice,

but to put you right back
outside the circle.

And once you're out, you're out.
There's no coming back.

Well, I would definitely like
to stay inside the circle.

Well, then, tell me the truth.

OK.

Jack, I don't know
what we're talking about.

All right, now look, Focker,
I'm a patient man.

That's what 19 months in a
Vietnamese prison camp will do to you.

But I will be watching you,
studying your every move.

And if I find that you are trying
to corrupt my firstborn child,

I will bring you down, baby.

I will bring you down to Chinatown.

Where are we? I thought
we were going to Kevin's house.

We are, sweetie.
This is Kevin's new house.

Wow!

– Oh, this is a crazy house.
– Not bad, huh, Dad?

Maybe he uses marijuana for medicinal
purposes. People do that nowadays.

This kid has been lying to us
from the moment we met him.

Hey, you. Get in some
quality time with the boys?

Yeah, it was fun.

Listen, I hope this lunch
isn't too weird for you.

Why would «B.B.Q.
at best man's» be weird?

Oh, my God, Greg.
I was sure I told you.

Kevin is Bob's best man.
This is his place.

– Kevin, your ex-fiance?
– Hey! Welcome, everybody.

I don't understand.
How does he know Bob?

Well, they… they went
to lacrosse camp together,

and Kevin was the one
who introduced Bob to Debbie.

Lacrosse camp?

I was really lucky
I was able to salvage this wood

from an old seamen's chapel
in Nantucket.

– Wow! Kevin, the house is amazing.
– This is where the light comes in.

Maybe you should have
gotten married here.

All right, the sun is out,
the grill is hot and the pool is luke.

If I can interest you
in a swim and a little B.B.Q,

– just follow me.
– All right, Kevo.

– Right on schedule.
– Bring it on.

It must cost a fortune
to heat this place.

Wait till you see the rest of the house.

OK. This way, everybody, out this way.

– You OK, sweetie?
– Yeah.

I'm really sorry. I don't know
why I thought you knew.

It… It's not a big deal.

If I can handle a weekend
without sex and cigarettes,

I think I can handle an afternoon
with your ex-fiance.

OK. Thank you.

Now, for the floor that you're walking
on, I chose this Bolivian wormwood.

I think it works well in here.
I have the Viking range here,

and the twin sub-z's.
Yeah, they open up right there.

Oh, I get it. Like hidden.

– Yeah, kind of blend in.
– Great.

– Are you a homeowner, Greg?
– No, no, I rent.

So, things are going real, real well
for you at Neuberger, aren't they, Kevo?

Gosh, things have been going
so great lately.

I got in early on some wireless IPOs.
The stuff just skyrocketed from there.

Wow.

What about you, Greg?
What line of work are you in?

– I'm in health care.
– So you know what I'm talking about.

There are a lot of Benjamins
to be made now with biotech stuff.

I don't have to tell you that.
How's your portfolio?

I'd say strong…

…to quite strong.

You gotta strike while the iron's hot.

Now's the time.

– Greg's a male nurse.
– That's right. Thank you, Jack.

Well, that's great. That's great
to give something back like that.

I'd love to find time to do
volunteer work.

Just the other day I saw
this golden retriever that…

He had like a gimp,
and he couldn't really…

It made me feel terrible. I wish
there was something I could do.

Yeah, well, I get paid, but also
it feels, you know, good, too.

So it's kind of… everybody wins.

What are you…
You're like a Wall Street trader?

– An investment guy?
– No.

I mean, I don't like to be painted
with that brush. Yes, that's my day job.

We have time?
We got time, don't we, Jack?

I want to show you what I'm really
interested in. Come on. Let's go.

Wow! It looks like somebody
got an «A» in wood shop.

Yeah, it's always been kind of a hobby.
I whittled that out of beech wood.

– It's beautiful.
– Yeah.

– What got you into… «carpentering»?
– Carpentry?

I guess I'd have to say Jesus.
He was a carpenter.

I figured if you're gonna
follow in someone's footsteps,

who better than Christ?

Greg's Jewish.

– Are you?
– Yeah.

Well, so was J.C.
Wow. You're in good company.

Right.

Well, I'm gonna head to the pool,

but why don't you show
Greg and Pam the gift?

– Wow, he made a gift.
– Greg.

I put a fresh coat of lacquer
on this this morning,

so bear with me with the fumes.

Wow. Kev.

– Isn't that something?
– That's incredible.

– Thank you.
– Roses. Deb's favorite.

– Yes, right.
– The little holes are for candles.

Exactly. And then later,
they'll collect rainfall.

– They make a tiny birdbath.
– That's great.

It's beautiful. What is it?

It's an altar.
Or you might call it a chuppah.

Isn't that sweet? Wow.

I'm gonna take it over
to the Byrneses',

and tomorrow Robert and Debra
will meet beneath it

to become man and wife. And later,
when they purchase a home,

maybe it will grace their garden.

Well, that's my sappy, romantic idea.

Must have taken forever to build.

No, not too bad. About 70 hours.

Which isn't bad, considering I carved it
all by hand from one piece of wood.

Hey, Kevo. 12:15. Time to start
the barbecue, big guy.

OK, Mr. B.
I better get back to playing host.

OK, you guys, grab your suits,
and I'll meet you down at the pool.

I'm gonna take a pass on the swimming.

Oh, no, you can't.

I don't even have a suit with me.
The airline lost my bag…

Pamcake, let's go.
Mom's got your suit here.

– Coming, Dad.
– You better get going.

Gosh, she's great.
Congratulations, man.

Thank you. And, by the way, she just
had the nicest things to say about you.

– Really?
– Yeah.

Gosh. Yeah, we had
some good times together.

Boy, she is a tomcat.

So, let me hook you up
with some trunks, Gregger.

– I'm not gonna swim.
– I'm not taking no for an answer.

Cold buffet is on the left,
wine and champagne on the right.

Comin' through here.

Yeah, that'd be Gre…
Hey, there he is! Get out here.

G-man, we got salmon, we got
swordfish. What's it gonna be?

How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog?
I'm pretty hungry.

I think they call that the munchies.

Let's go. Hit the ball, Kev!
Show 'em what you got!

– Come on, Greg.
– Damn!

– He's got nothing.
– Come on, Greg.

– Service.
– Come on, Greg.

– Nice serve, pal.
– All right.

Bring it on, Jack.

– Set it!
– Oh, Greg! Come on!

– Nice shot, Maverick!
– Sweet setup, Iceman.

– Nice one, nurse.
– Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.

You gotta rush the net on defense.
Don't be afraid of the ball.

– It's Greg.
– Huddle up, team. Huddle up.

Greg, not Glenn.
Greg is afraid of the ball.

– Come on. This is unacceptable.
– He's gotta go for the ball.

– Here's what we gotta do.
– Let's go! We're gettin' cold in here.

We're gettin' creamed, people.

If Florence Nightingale
would play defense.

– Larry, I missed one shot.
– It was a big shot.

Larry, keep floatin' where you are.
Denny, take the deep shots.

Greg, nobody's expecting much out
of you. If I set you up with the ball,

– can you jump up and spike it?
– No.

– I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.
– I bet you would, Panama Red.

– Everybody, look sharp. Break!
– Let's play some ball.

– All right, here we go.
– Come on!

– Let's go.
– Come on.

– Greg!
– Set!

You gotta spike those, Focker!
You gotta spike those!

– Look how Bob did that. Nice play, Bob.
– Thanks, Jack.

– Fire it up there, Focker!
– Let's do it!

– Way to go, Deb!
– Greg!

Honey! God!

– What the hell's the matter with you?
– It's only a game, Focker!

Oh, honey! I'm coming!

Get some ice.

– My eye! Oh, my eye!
– Focker!

God!

– Pam, help your sister, please.
– I'm so sorry, Deb.

Deb, you can totally see Voit
backwards on your forehead.

– Denny, get outta here!
– You the bandleader?

Go over the song selection
with Bob. Bob? Bob!

– Yeah, Jack.
– Are you a Mr. Focker?

– Yes.
– OK. Sign here, please.

– Great. Thank you.
– I'm sorry, honey.

Hey, your suitcase. You go through it,
make sure it's all there?

– Yeah, it's fine. What's up?
– Good.

Wanted to make sure you're OK
since hitting the spike

heard 'round the world.

– Oh, yeah. I'm really sorry about that.
– It's OK.

I don't know what got into me, Iceman.

«Iceman»?

I'm sorry. That a special thing
between you and Kevin?

– Oh, Greg, stop it.
– Stop what, Iceman?

Top Gun was a very popular movie
when Kevin and I dated.

– All right? That's it.
– Iceman. I have no problem with that.

Do you want to be Maverick?
Is that what this is all about?

– I can't be Maverick. Kevin's Maverick.
– He used to be, but we can change that.

– Can he be Goose?
– No, because Goose dies in the end.

It's very sad.

– Honey, I don't really…
– Greg, shut up.

OK.

– Dad, you ever think of knocking?
– Not in my own den.

– What are you two doing in here?
– I'd say rounding second base.

– This is Greg's room, Dad.
– We're gonna use it for storage.

Greg will stay in Debbie's room,
and she'll bunk up with you tonight.

Fine. Come on, Greg.

OK. I'll be right up.

I'll meet you upstairs.

– Oh, good. They found your suitcase.
– Yeah.

Hey, Jack, I don't quite know
what happened back at the tux shop.

If I've given you the wrong impression
regarding Pam in any way, I'm sorry.

OK? I have nothing but the best
intentions with Pam, and I just…

There's something in the suitcase here
that I'm planning on giving her

that I think symbolizes…

…the level of my commitment to her.

And I wouldn't feel right asking her to
wear it without her father's permission.

– Jack?
– Did you flush this toilet?

Maybe. You know what?
Maybe Jinx flushed it.

I saw little Jinxy come in last night,

and he took a little squat
and relieved himself.

Jinx knows not to use that toilet,
and even if he did, he'd never flush it.

– What does it matter?
– The matter, Greg, R.N.,

is that when this toilet
is flushed, it runs,

and when you have a septic tank nearly
full and a toilet running all night,

then you could have a hell of a problem.

Mr. Byrnes?

This was not part of my job description.

Nice stench. You're really
on a roll there, bud.

Bite me, Denny!

Listen to me. In 20 hours,
I'm having a wedding here,

so I need my cesspool pumped now!

– Not tomorrow. Now!
– Dad, what's going on?

– Oh, my God!
– What's that smell?

That smell, Bob, is our shit.

Focker flushed the toilet in the den,
so the septic tank is overflowing.

Jack, I told you. It wasn't me.
It was Jinx.

Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again!

Jinx cannot flush the toilet.
He's a cat, for chrissakes!

The animal doesn't
even have thumbs, Focker.

– Hey, look at this!
– Kevo!

Over by the tree, right?

No. No, no, no.
Not on the lawn!

Stay where you are.
Not on the lawn!

– Kevin, no!
– No, no, no, no!

– No, no, no!
– What the heck?

I know that's what I said I wanted,
that's what I wanted.

It is a black Samsonite suitcase.

What I'm saying is,
do you think it's possible

that the Samsonite people,
in some crazy little scheme

to actually turn a profit,
made more than one?

– I don't think so.
– Really, you don't?

I am going to need your
baggage claim number again.

Jinx, stop.

– I know I signed for it.
– I'm looking at your signature.

Do me a favor.
Could I talk to your supervisor?

Excuse me?

– What's your name?
– Joy.

– Let me talk to your supervisor.
– My supervisor is on a break.

When he gets back, have him
give me a call right away.

– It's a very important bag.
– I'm sure it is, sir.

Jinx.

Don't ask me what it's for.
I need you to do this thing.

Please, I'm in a time situation here,
so just do it. I'll hold on.

– So the name's «Greg Focker»?
– I don't know.

Greg or Gregory. Run both names.

Jinx.

Come on. No. Jinx.

Come here. Jinxy.

Mew, mew, mew. No. No.

Jinx. Oh, shit.

Greg didn't ace his med school boards.

He never even took
the goddamn MCATs.

Oh, Jack, that's what you
had your sources check out?

What this poor boy did
on some test scores?

I bet he doesn't even have
a real nursing degree.

A lot of these hospital workers
are pill poppers

looking for easy access to ludes.

We already know that he's been
puffin' the magic dragon.

I knew the little quack was lying.

Jinxy. Come here.
Come here, little Jinxy head.

Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat
I won't hurt you

– The fact is, Greg lied to you.
– He did not lie to me, Dad.

He lied to you, and I thought
you should know the truth.

I love you too much
to see you get hurt.

I don't care what
your information says, Dad.

Greg took the MCATs. OK?

Holy…

Shit!

No, no, no. No, no, no.

No!

Holy…

– No!
– Oh, my God!

All right, everybody.
All right, stand back.

Stay back. Stay back.

– Watch out. Watch out!
– Oh, Jack! Oh, God!

We've got a fire! Somebody call 911
right away! Hurry up!

Jinxy! Jinxy!

We've checked every yard, every car
on the street. Nobody's seen him.

He's not up in any
of the trees, Jack.

We checked all the bedrooms.
Jinx isn't up here.

Yeah, none of the neighbors
have seen him either.

You tried to milk him, didn't you,
you sick son of a bitch!

Dad, stop it. That's enough.

– Honey, please calm down.
– How can I calm down

if we're 15 minutes away
from the wedding rehearsal

and the ring bearer's missing?

– What do you mean, «the ring bearer»?
– Your daddy didn't tell you?

He taught Jinx to walk down
the aisle with this little pillow.

Oh, no. No, you didn't, Dad.

Yeah, yeah. You put
this around the neck,

and these ribbons are for the rings.

– That's adorable, Jack.
– Oh, for chrissakes!

That's great, Dad.

Yeah, but now we have
to postpone the rehearsal.

Bob, you ride with me.
Larry, you come with your car.

We're gonna canvass the neighborhood.
Dee, ask O'Boyle to wait.

If we're not back in an hour,
we'll reschedule for the morning.

– Jack!
– No!

We cannot cancel the rehearsal
for some stupid cat!

Stupid cat? How could you say that?
That cat's been like a brother to you!

We're supposed to let him wander the
streets without food, water or toilet?

– Dad, Greg'll find him.
– What?

– Yeah, what?
– Oh, that's wonderful.

Fine. Fine. OK. Denny?

– Denny? Denny? Denny!
– Dad, I'm right here.

OK. You're gonna fill in
as the ring bearer for now.

I'm not wearin' that stupid
pillow thing on my head.

Oh, yes, you damn well will!

Jinx! Jinx! Here, Jinx.

You just go and wander the streets
without food, water or toilet? Fucker!

Actually, you may be in luck.

They brought in a Himalayan
a little while ago.

There he is.

Holy shit, that's Jinx.

– Jinxy!
– No, let me see that photo again.

You gotta picture him
without that stupid Santa cap.

– Come on, Jinxy. Jinxy!
– No.

You see, in the picture,
your cat has an all-black tail.

– Yeah.
– And this one has a white tip.

No, I'm sorry about that, chief.

– Looks just like him.
– Almost.

Except for that tail.

Dearly beloved…

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here on this beautiful day

to join Dr. Robert Banks…

Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here on this beautiful day

to join Dr. Robert Banks and
Debra Byrnes in holy matrimony.

This is a special day…

He found him!

It's him! It's him!

I gotta see this.

– Look, Dad, it's Jinx.
– Oh, my little baby!

– We found you. We found you.
– Greg, thank you so much.

– Where did you find him?
– Gave us a little scare, huh?

Jinxy.

To Greg.

– Honey, where is Greg, anyway?
– He's in the restroom.

Yes, I tried there. I've tried
every shelter on the north shore, OK?

He's a brown-and-black Himalayan
with an all-black tail.

Mr. Jinx. Yeah, OK.
You go check. I'll call you back.

– Hey, hey! It's the man of the hour.
– Hey!

Sorry, folks. Had to pay
a little visit to the urinal fairy.

Greg, nice work with the cat today.

Thanks, Jack.
I'm just glad I could help out.

We never did get to finish
that little «convo» back in the den.

When you have a minute, there is still
something I'd love to talk to you about.

We'll get right to it as soon
as we get back. You have my word.

I'm gonna hold you to that.
Circle of trust.

Guess who's back in the circle of trust.

Look at Jack!

Oh, poor Kevin looks lonely.

Maybe I should ask him to dance.
What do you think?

Sure. I bet he could whittle a private
little dance floor for the two of you.

I'm serious.

I saw some beech wood outside.
He's very handy.

He's an extremely handy
and crafty craftsman.

I shouldn't paint him
with that brush, but…

Come on. Seriously. Seriously.

Part of you wishes
you ended up with him.

Yes, he's very talented,
but it would've never worked out.

Why not?

I was never in love with Kevin.

I'm in love with you.

– That's a good explanation.
– Think so?

Thought you'd like that.

– I do.
– I'm glad.

No, Jinx. Mr. Jinx.
I called you like half an hour ago.

OK, I already…
I already described it. Airline.

Messages.

It's, it's brown…

…with a little bit of black trim.

Yes.

Please enter your four-digit code.

Jack, hi. It's Hank Macatee
from next door.

You'll never guess who wandered
over here this afternoon. Mr. Jinx.

Yeah, he's not wearing his collar,
but I'm sure it's Jinxy.

Thought you might be worried,
so just give me a jingle

when you guys get home, and
I'll bring the little rascal over.

OK, well, if you could
just keep checking, please,

and I'll call you back later. Thanks.

– Any luck?
– No, they're still looking.

Hey, Jack, this is a great party.

I guess sometimes these things come
together in their own kooky sort of way.

Yeah, it's kind of like
the way you found Jinxy.

– You found him at that animal shelter?
– Yeah, right.

– The important thing is he's home now.
– Yes.

Yeah. You know, there's something
about that ball of fur

that just puts a big smile on my face.

Yeah. You haven't seen any
of his latest tricks, have you?

No.

Well, when we get back, I'll show you.

We don't have to do it tonight. He's had
a long day. He's probably tired.

– I wouldn't want to…
– I think he'd like to show you tonight.

Why don't you give me
the key and let me drive?

Hey, Larry. You know what?
Why don't I drive?

– It's a very expensive car.
– Good idea.

I've always wanted to test-drive a Benz.

Be my guest, Focker.

– Hey, sweetie, what are you doing?
– Larry said I could drive.

– Let's go. Hurry, hurry. All right.
– Bye, guys.

– See you.
– Thanks for driving.

– Drives better than your Taurus, Greg?
– Yeah.

Come on. Get in the car, honey.
Let's go. Hurry up.

OK, OK.

Whoa, nellie!

Everybody comfortable back there?

You're a real wild man
at that wheel there.

You got your seat belts on back there?
Get your seat belts on.

Oh, Jesus, Focker!

– You're driving like a maniac!
– Focker, take it easy!

– Benz drives like a dream, Lar.
– Let's not make it a nightmare, huh?

Oh, there's Jack.

Hey, Jackie.

You wanna play, pops? Let's play.

OK, now, Greg? Greg?

Greg, no!

– Is everything OK, honey?
– Yeah, just trying to make good time.

What the heck is the matter with you?

All right. We're gonna be home.
We're gonna get home.

Very soon, we're gonna get home.

It's not the Autobahn.
Come on, Greg!

Jesus!

– Maybe you should drive after all.
– We're OK.

All right.

Oh, no. No, please.

– Yes!
– Jack just turned.

You were supposed to make
that left at the light, Focker.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Where does he think he's going?

– Home, home, home.
– What a wild ride.

Who gave him the keys?

– OK, we're out.
– I'm gonna get out on your side, honey.

– I wonder if he has a license.
– Yeah, a license to kill.

Come on, everybody.

Hey, nice driving, Mario!

You're a lunatic!

Come on, Linda!

Hey, hey!

– What in the world…
– Oh, my…

Oh, the dress!

It was the cat! Goddamn you!

– Dad, Dad… Dad! Dad!
– Jinx, I'm gonna…

Calm down!

– Where's the cat?
– Cat got out! Cat got out, Jack!

You spray-painted his tail to make him
look like Jinxy, didn't you, Focker?

Greg, what's he talking about?

Hank Macatee called me a couple of
hours ago and told me he found Jinxy.

He took his collar
and put it on an impostor.

He spray-painted his tail, then
tried to beat us back here so that

– he could get rid of the evidence.
– Oh, no.

Please tell me that's not true, Greg.

It was just a temporary solution
until I could find the real Jinx.

How could you do something like that?

– I'm sorry.
– What are you going to tell me next?

That you set Kevin's altar on fire?

Oh, my God.

Well, it wasn't intentional.
I was chasing Jinx up onto the roof.

I had a smoke, and I think
I might have lit something that…

I don't know what happened. He put
so much goddamn lacquer on that thing.

– It was an accident waiting to happen.
– This is very disappointing, Greg.

Get out of my house, Focker,
and take your friend with you.

So you lied to me
about everything, Greg?

You lied about the cat,
the fire, about the MCATs.

I didn't lie about the MCATs.
Don't you see what's happening here?

– Your dad has turned you against me.
– I didn't turn her against you.

You did that to yourself.

Jack, please. You didn't like me
from the second I walked in here.

I'm a very accepting person, Focker.

– All I ask for is honesty.
– Oh, honesty?

You wanna talk about
truth and honesty, Jack?

OK, let's talk
a little truth and honesty.

Let's talk a little
«Operation Ko Samui,» Jack.

What's he talking about, Dad?

Yeah, that's weird, 'cause
I thought there weren't any secrets

inside the circle of trust, Jack.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't? What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?

Hey, Pam, guess what. Daddy's planning

a little covert operation in Thailand
for the day after the wedding.

You are?

Round and round we go, Jack. Hey.

I bet everybody would love
to hear about your rendezvous

in the parking lot of
the Oyster Bay Drug and Sundrie.

You know what I'm talking about.
Where the guy gave you the passports

and the documents. Or how about
your little phone call in Thai?

– Jack can't talk Thai.
– Oh, no, Dina.

Jack can talk Thai.
Jack talk Thai very well.

I'm sorry, Pam,
but your dad is not retired.

He's still very much in the CIA.

– Daddy. What…
– He's right.

He's right. My cover's blown.

I am planning a secret operation
the day after the wedding.

What?

A surprise honeymoon for Deb and Bob.

You stupid son of a bitch!
You just blew it!

What?

Ko Samui is an island
off the coast of Thailand!

That guy I was meeting in the parking
lot is Thor Svenson, my travel agent.

He was giving me their visas.

Wow, Thailand. Thanks a lot, J.B.
That's something.

Don't mention it. I just…

You know, if this nursing thing
doesn't work out, Focker,

I'd say you definitely have
a career in espionage.

Thanks, Greg.

Well, I guess I'm gonna
go to the airport now.

I guess you're gonna stay here.

Pam, I…

– Gaylord M. Focker?
– Gaylord? Gaylord?

Yeah, that's me.

– I thought your name was Greg.
– It is.

– That's not what it says on the form.
– I know.

It's my legal name. Nobody's called me
by it since third grade.

Whatever.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So your name's Gay Focker?

– Denny.
– I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just…

It's not a normal name.

– Come on. Now look what you've done.
– Oh, Pammy.

Don't… Don't go away.

You're in luck. There is room.

And without a Saturday stay-over,
that fare difference will be $1,137.11.

– Did you want me to book you the seat?
– OK. All right.

Did you want to check any bags today?

We should be all right with
only one usher, don't you think?

I'm not so sure, Jack.

Thought you might like to see this.

– How did you get this?
– Oh, I have my sources, too.

I called Gaylord, aka
Greg's parents in Detroit.

They saved his SAT scores too,
in case you're interested.

Oh, honey. It… That doesn't matter
if he did well on some test.

What does that prove?
Look at this place!

He almost destroyed the wedding
because he lied!

I love you, Daddy, but you
can be a real jerk sometimes.

So what if he took the MCATs?
He's still not good enough for Pam.

Who is, Jack?

Nobody has ever been
good enough for your Pam.

I mean, do you realize that you
never even warmed up to Kevin

until she broke up with him?

Maybe it's time you think about
what Pam wants.

Greg, it's me.

I'm sure you're in the air by now,

so I guess you'll just
get this when you get home.

Listen, I am so sorry.

I acted like a complete idiot,
and I hope that you can forgive me.

I mean, I don't care about
the fire or the cat or…

I mean, I can't believe you
actually spray-painted a cat.

That's actually really gross,
but the point is that…

…that I understand
why you did it, and…

…and I love you. I want you
to know that I really…

I really, really love you, and…

When you get this,
will you please call me? OK. Bye.

Marty, listen, I need
a commercial flight ID scan.

Interstate from New York
La Guardia to Chicago.

Four-hour sweeps,
backwards and forwards.

Last name: Foxtrot, Oscar,
Charlie, Kilo, Echo, Romeo.

First name: Golf,
Alpha, Yankee, Lima…

Gaylord Focker on Atlantic American
flight 27, departs 2:35.

– 2:35? Twenty-three minutes. Thanks.
– Affirmative.

– Enjoy your flight.
– Thanks.

Hello.

I'm sorry. We're only boarding
rows nine and above right now.

– You'll have to wait.
– Well, I'm in row eight.

Please step aside, sir.

It's just one row.
Don't you think it's OK if I…

We'll call your row momentarily.

Step aside, sir.

Thank you for waiting. We'd like to
continue boarding the aircraft now.

We're now boarding all rows, please.
All remaining rows.

Hello.

Enjoy your flight.

Excuse me.

OK, where's the fire, huh?

Will you hand me
a pillow over there?

– You're gonna have to check that.
– I got it.

– No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit.
– No, I'm not… hey.

– I'm not checking my bag, OK?
– There's no need to raise your voice.

I'm not raising my voice. This would be
raising my voice to you, OK?

I don't want to check my bag.

By the way, your airline,
you suck at checking bags.

Because I already did that once,
and you lost it,

and then I had everything
screwed up very badly for me.

– OK?
– I can assure you that your bag

will be placed safely below deck
with the other luggage.

Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will
be safe below with the other luggage?

Are you physically gonna
take my bag beneath the plane?

Gonna go with the guys with
the earmuffs and put it in there?

– No.
– No? OK. Then shut your pie hole

and listen to me when I say
that I am finished

with the checking-of-the-bags
conversation!

Sir, we have a policy on this airline
that if a bag is this large, we…

Get your grubby little paws
off of my bag, OK?

Not like I have a bomb in here, it's
not like I want to blow up the plane.

I wanna stow my bag according
to your safety regulations.

– Sir, sir…
– If you would take a second

and take the little sticks out
of your head and clean out your ears,

maybe you would see that
I'm a person who has feelings,

and all I have to do
is do what I wanna do!

All I wanna do is hold onto my bag
and not listen to you!

The only way that I would
ever let go of my bag

would be if you came over here now

and tried to pry it
from my dead, lifeless fingers.

OK? If you can get it from my kung fu
grip, then you can come and have it.

OK? Otherwise, step off, bitch.

Get off of me! Get off of me!

– You got him?
– Yeah.

Hey! You can't leave
your vehicle unattended.

So tow it.

I've got a plane full of people saying
you threatened that stewardess.

I was not threatening her.

I was trying to get my bag
into the overhead storage thing.

You were acting like a maniac,
and you threatened her with a bomb!

– I said I didn't have a bomb!
– You said «bomb.»

– I said, «It's not like I have a bomb.»
– You said «bomb» on an airplane.

– What's wrong with saying «bomb»?
– You can't say «bomb» on an airplane.

Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb,
bomb, bomb! You gonna arrest me?

– You assaulted an airline employee…
– What if I was a bombardier?

I got enough to put you away
for a few years!

Norm. Take five.
I got a specialist here.

Bye, Norm.

Oh, shit. How'd you get here?

– I'm everywhere, Focker.
– I didn't do anything, Jack.

Yeah, I know.

Well, then tell these guys
that I'm not a terrorist.

I'm not gonna tell anybody anything
until you answer some questions.

Unless you want to spend the next
years of your life in prison,

you better goddamn well
tell me the truth.

No more lies. You understand?
No more lies.

– Did you do this?
– Just answer the questions.

– Have me taken off that airplane?
– Answer the question.

– Put your hands over there. That's it.
– You're sick, you know that?

Is your name Gaylord Focker?
Yes or no?

– Yes.
– Are you a male nurse?

– Yes.
– Are you a pothead?

– No.
– Have you ever smoked pot?

Yes.

Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat
to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?

Yes.

Because you desperately
were seeking my approval?

– Yes.
– Because you love my daughter Pam?

– Yes.
– Do you wanna marry her?

Do you want to marry her?

I did, until I met you.

What does that mean?

I love your daughter, Jack.
I love her more than anything.

But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified
of being your son-in-law.

This whole weekend
has given me a lot of doubts

about whether or not I could
even survive in your family.

I think you've got some serious issues.

If I lighten up, would you consider
marrying my daughter?

Would you lighten up a lot?

– Yeah.
– Yes or no?

– Yes.
– Would you let me and Pam

live our lives and
not interfere all the time?

I promise not to interfere
in your lives all the time.

Will you stop making fun of me
for being a nurse?

Could you at least try, maybe,
to consider another profession?

– Jack, yes or no?
– Ever?

– No!
– OK, yes.

Would you let me and Pam
sleep in the same room?

Don't push it, Focker.
You're in a real mess.

If you married my daughter,
would you support her

in the way that she
deserves to be supported?

Yes.

Would you be
honest and faithful to her?

Yes.

Will you devote yourself entirely to her
for the rest of your life?

Of course.

Gaylord Focker…

…will you be my son-in-law?

Greg? I thought you were
going back to Chicago.

Yeah, well, we had
a little plane trouble.

Plus, your dad caught up
with me at the airport.

No. Don't worry. It's OK.
We worked out a lot of our issues.

You and my dad worked out
a lot of your issues?

Yeah. First he gave me his little
human lie detector thing, but I passed.

Good.

Yeah, and…

…then he proposed.

Are you feeling all right?

Listen. This weekend was a nightmare.
I had this whole elaborate plan,

and then somewhere between
giving your sister a black eye

and setting the house on fire,
it kind of went off track.

I just… I love you.
I love you so much.

And our world just makes sense
when I'm with you.

I think he's about to do it, Jack.

Come on, honey.
Give 'em some privacy.

And I think if we can get through

what we got through in the last 48
hours, we could get through anything.

I think so, too.

– And, Greg, I don't…
– Wait. Hang on a second.

Mr. Jinx?

Hi, Jinx…

That's a ring.

I like to think of it
as a little circle of trust.

Pam?

– Will you marry me?
– Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Attaboy, Greg!

That «circle of trust» thing?
That's mine.

Well, looks like we got
another wedding to plan.

Yep. Just gotta do one more thing.
What's that?

Meet his parents.

– Jack…
– Honey, relax.

I'm sure they're wonderful,
fascinating people.

Good night, Jack.

I mean, they'd have to be, right?
To name their son Gaylord Focker.

Do you, Debra Byrnes,
take Robert Banks

– to be your lawfully wedded husband?
– Yes. I mean, I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Let's just see if you really can
flush the toilet, Jinxy.

I knew it.

Shit!

– I knew it.
– Damn it!

That's my future son-in-law.
What do you think?

Hello, Jack.

Oh, look at that. Nice, Jack. Hi.

What's that, Jack? What?
You're a big, bad CIA man, huh?

They teach you that in the CIA?
They teach you that?

Oh, yeah. What's that, Jack?

What? Yeah, you thought Puff was just
the name of the boy's magical dragon?

Not too quick on the uptake, huh, Jack?

Why don't you ask Denny
who's puffin' the magic dragon?

Not onto that one, huh? Surprising
for a big CIA pulse detector.

Hey, hey, check my pulse
on this question, Jack.

Do I think you're a psycho? Yes.

What? Oh, you like my little gift?

What? The Jerusalem what?

What? I can't hear you. Jerusalem
toodle-oo-poosey, poosley-loo?

What? What? Oh, you don't
know shit about flowers.

What's that? You want me to what?

You have another question?
Sure. I got one question for you.

It's… Can you deal with that?

ENGLISH ESL