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00:00:02,394 --> 00:00:04,728
♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,748
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:11,735
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,754 --> 00:00:14,662
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,757 --> 00:00:17,741
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,834 --> 00:00:21,411
♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,855
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,006 --> 00:00:24,356
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:30,112
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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I'm home from camp.
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00:00:36,186 --> 00:00:38,662
- Welcome home.
- Meg's been wearing
your clothes.
12
00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:43,617
Ah, my big man.
13
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,269
How was Camp Angry Indian?
14
00:00:45,362 --> 00:00:47,529
Oh, they had to rename it
Camp Redface.
15
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,607
Then soon after,
Camp Washington Football Team.
16
00:00:50,626 --> 00:00:53,126
But camp was awesome.
17
00:00:53,279 --> 00:00:54,720
I got a girlfriend.
18
00:00:54,947 --> 00:00:56,221
She's smoking hot,
19
00:00:56,298 --> 00:00:58,949
and she has some off the charts
scary political views,
20
00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:00,967
but largely because
of the smoking hot thing,
21
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:02,953
we've decided to stay together.
22
00:01:02,971 --> 00:01:05,046
My boy has a girlfriend?
23
00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:07,124
Oh, Chris, that's amazing.
24
00:01:07,142 --> 00:01:10,218
Good job, Chris. You've really
impressed your old dad.
25
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,738
Like Richard Gere's gerbil
impressed his dad.
26
00:01:12,965 --> 00:01:14,298
(phone rings)
27
00:01:14,316 --> 00:01:15,741
- (phone beeps)
- Hello?
28
00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:17,743
GERBIL SON: (over phone)Dad, you're never gonna believe
29
00:01:17,894 --> 00:01:19,620
where I am.
30
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,065
- Freaking Doug.
- (button beeping)
31
00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:26,159
"Gooey Stewie, Gooey Stewie.
32
00:01:26,312 --> 00:01:28,161
Eats all day and now he's ooey".
33
00:01:28,314 --> 00:01:29,904
Yeah, right. I'll show him.
34
00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:32,165
Whoa, since when do you have
a treadmill?
35
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,093
I took it from a Curves.
36
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:36,002
They mostly just lie on mats.
37
00:01:36,155 --> 00:01:37,554
(button beeping)
38
00:01:38,841 --> 00:01:41,266
(grunts) Brian, help!
39
00:01:42,544 --> 00:01:44,103
- Hey.
- Hey.
40
00:01:44,179 --> 00:01:46,588
- Bizarro Family Guy?
- Bizarro Family Guy.
41
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,482
It's just the fire.
42
00:01:53,672 --> 00:01:55,280
(device beeps)
43
00:01:55,507 --> 00:01:58,575
Peter, how is a stud finder
gonna help with this?
44
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:04,014
Beep, beep, beep.
Looks like I found the stud.
45
00:02:04,032 --> 00:02:05,440
(Peter and Stewie laugh)
46
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,185
Oh, I know we have
our differences,
47
00:02:08,203 --> 00:02:11,538
but stuff like that,
it-it-- man, it's just--
48
00:02:11,690 --> 00:02:12,965
I just-- it's-it's fun.
49
00:02:13,192 --> 00:02:15,542
Enough, Peter.
I'm calling a handyman.
50
00:02:15,694 --> 00:02:18,554
- (cell phone beeps)
- Fine. What's in here, anyway?
51
00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:21,623
- Bizarro Peter?
- Bizarro Peter.
52
00:02:21,717 --> 00:02:23,559
It's just that I'm reading.
53
00:02:27,389 --> 00:02:30,040
Peter, how many times
do I have to tell you
54
00:02:30,058 --> 00:02:31,966
to stop leaving
your wet swimsuit
55
00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,301
at the bottom of the stairs?
56
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,228
I never know when
I'll be back in the sprinklers.
57
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:38,048
I got to be able to grab and go
when they start spraying.
58
00:02:38,066 --> 00:02:40,475
Ugh, you're impossible.
59
00:02:40,569 --> 00:02:41,976
See that, Chris?
60
00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,663
In the Hungry Hungry Hippos
game of marriage,
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00:02:44,890 --> 00:02:46,648
I just ate one of her marbles.
62
00:02:46,742 --> 00:02:49,242
I don't think you should
be proud of that, Dad.
63
00:02:49,395 --> 00:02:51,653
- Excuse me?
- Let me give you
a nickel's worth
64
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:55,007
of free advice from one
happily taken man to another.
65
00:02:55,234 --> 00:02:56,675
We've got two of these
66
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,493
and only one of these,
67
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,680
so we should listen
twice as much as we talk.
68
00:03:01,831 --> 00:03:05,409
(chuckles) Remember, Dad, never
question your wife's choices.
69
00:03:05,427 --> 00:03:09,095
After all, you were one of them.
70
00:03:09,248 --> 00:03:10,914
I love cooking with wine.
71
00:03:10,933 --> 00:03:12,840
Sometimes, I even put it
in the food.
72
00:03:12,935 --> 00:03:16,010
Are you just quoting aprons
you saw in a kitchen magazine?
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00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,346
The last few, yes.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
74
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,515
I have a Chaturbate date
with my love.
75
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,776
Isn't it hard to find
each other on there?
76
00:03:22,928 --> 00:03:25,662
Yeah, but that's part
of the dance.
77
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,359
Hey, Jerome, could I get
a Twisted Tea over here?
78
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:35,214
Uh-oh. Never a good sign when
a guy strays from linear tea.
79
00:03:35,365 --> 00:03:37,958
- Everything okay, Peter?
- Eh, it's just Chris.
80
00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:40,293
Ever since he got a girlfriend,
he's been insufferable.
81
00:03:40,446 --> 00:03:42,446
Chris got a lady? That's great.
82
00:03:42,464 --> 00:03:44,281
Do we know anything
about this girl?
83
00:03:44,374 --> 00:03:46,874
All I know is he met her
at camp, and she's from Canada.
84
00:03:46,969 --> 00:03:49,043
(inhales sharply)
Trouble.
85
00:03:49,121 --> 00:03:50,954
Have you seen Chris FaceTime her
86
00:03:50,973 --> 00:03:52,789
or heard her on the phone
or anything?
87
00:03:52,808 --> 00:03:54,291
- No, why?
- Peter,
88
00:03:54,384 --> 00:03:55,883
I don't know how to say this,
89
00:03:55,961 --> 00:03:57,552
but Canada
is kind of a red flag.
90
00:03:57,679 --> 00:03:59,571
Yeah, and white,
with a big leaf in the middle.
91
00:03:59,798 --> 00:04:01,073
You're awesome at flags.
So what?
92
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:03,800
I hear Canada has a pretty
handsome prime minister.
93
00:04:03,893 --> 00:04:05,151
It's Tru-deau.
94
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,746
Think about it, Peter,
a Canadian camp girlfriend
95
00:04:07,897 --> 00:04:09,248
nobody has ever seen?
96
00:04:09,399 --> 00:04:10,974
Seems a bit suspicious to me.
97
00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:12,584
What, you think he made her up?
98
00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:14,253
Chris wouldn't lie about this.
99
00:04:14,404 --> 00:04:16,404
You'd be surprised
at what people lie about.
100
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:19,149
Cleveland claims he likes Miller
Lite because it tastes great.
101
00:04:19,167 --> 00:04:21,001
- It does.
- It's less filling.
102
00:04:21,153 --> 00:04:22,836
- Tastes great.
- Less filling!
103
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,412
(somber violin music plays)
104
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:27,007
NARRATOR:The Great AmericanBeer Conflict.
105
00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:28,750
Brother fought brother,
106
00:04:28,844 --> 00:04:30,677
mother fought daughter,
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00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,587
father fought son.
108
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:33,939
A nation divided
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00:04:34,166 --> 00:04:36,850
over which wasthe least trashy quality
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00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:40,529
of a crappy, domesticriver beer.
111
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:44,841
(knock on door)
112
00:04:44,860 --> 00:04:47,435
- MEG: Door!
- I know!
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00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,845
Sheesh-kabibbles.
114
00:04:48,938 --> 00:04:50,180
MEG:
Who is it?
115
00:04:50,198 --> 00:04:52,958
Oh, probably just the handyman
here to fix the--
116
00:04:53,185 --> 00:04:54,960
Bocce balls!
117
00:04:55,187 --> 00:04:57,296
(rock music playing)
118
00:04:58,615 --> 00:04:59,631
(ding)
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00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,526
Hi there, young lady.
I'm Jamie the Handyman.
120
00:05:02,619 --> 00:05:05,362
I heard you had a hole
that needed to be filled.
121
00:05:05,455 --> 00:05:08,198
(laughs) Yes.
122
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:09,866
Is that a big job?
123
00:05:09,885 --> 00:05:11,643
Nothing my caulk can't handle.
124
00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:13,645
So you just...
125
00:05:13,797 --> 00:05:16,039
fill the hole with your caulk?
126
00:05:16,058 --> 00:05:18,208
Yes, it's very thick,
127
00:05:18,301 --> 00:05:20,210
and it stays hard forever.
128
00:05:20,303 --> 00:05:22,011
(moans)
129
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,307
MISSION CONTROL:We have liftoff onOperation Thirsty Housewife.
130
00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,309
Repeat, we have liftoff.
131
00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:30,245
(cheering)
132
00:05:37,821 --> 00:05:40,005
(rock music playing)
133
00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:49,589
I didn't say
you could be in this.
134
00:05:49,741 --> 00:05:52,351
Well, it's still a bit moist,
but should dry up soon.
135
00:05:52,502 --> 00:05:54,186
LOIS, MEG AND STEWIE:
Don't count on it.
136
00:05:54,413 --> 00:05:55,428
- What's that?
- Nothing.
137
00:05:55,597 --> 00:05:57,189
Hey, um, I was hoping
138
00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:58,690
maybe you could
come back tomorrow
139
00:05:58,842 --> 00:06:02,194
and fix our... sink
or-or something?
140
00:06:02,345 --> 00:06:04,846
Well, I usually charge
a minimum of two hours, so...
141
00:06:05,014 --> 00:06:07,924
why don't you call me when you
have a few things for me to...
142
00:06:08,017 --> 00:06:10,452
- (banging, shattering)
- (Lois and Meg grunting)
143
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,691
Okay, so for tomorrow,
144
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,118
could you fix a few windows,
145
00:06:18,270 --> 00:06:20,120
a door ripped off its hinges
146
00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:22,363
and a thermostat
that was smashed with a...
147
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,716
- (indistinct whispers)
- Fire poker.
148
00:06:24,826 --> 00:06:26,943
Whoa, talk about flaming hot.
149
00:06:27,036 --> 00:06:29,796
Bizarro Stewie, you rascal.
150
00:06:29,948 --> 00:06:31,948
We're buds now. (screams)
151
00:06:31,967 --> 00:06:34,017
Still getting used to that.
152
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,066
LOIS:
Peter, the stairs are all wet
from your swimsuit aga...
153
00:06:41,293 --> 00:06:43,718
- (screams, grunts)
- (Lois falling down stairs)
154
00:06:43,812 --> 00:06:46,321
Put these in the shower.
155
00:06:47,983 --> 00:06:50,409
Lois, I work hard
to keep this family
156
00:06:50,636 --> 00:06:52,986
in wet bathing suits,
and at the end of the day,
157
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,247
all I want
is to come home, relax,
158
00:06:55,323 --> 00:06:57,657
do a couple of rad jumps
through Sprinkler City,
159
00:06:57,809 --> 00:06:59,901
and then enjoy a Popsicle
on the front steps
160
00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:01,086
while I look at bugs.
161
00:07:01,163 --> 00:07:03,070
We don't deserve this guy.
162
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,239
Hey, Dad? Rule number one,
163
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,000
your wife is always right.
164
00:07:07,152 --> 00:07:09,577
Rule number two,
if your wife is wrong,
165
00:07:09,746 --> 00:07:11,488
please refer to rule number one.
166
00:07:11,581 --> 00:07:14,916
(sniffs, laughs) I got to text
that to my girl later.
167
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,176
Why not right now?
168
00:07:16,328 --> 00:07:18,845
Oh, she's probably
eating dinner,
169
00:07:18,997 --> 00:07:21,088
and we believe
family time is special.
170
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,166
Uh-huh. So, Chris,
171
00:07:23,259 --> 00:07:25,502
what's this "girl's" name,
anyway?
172
00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,170
Jennifaire.
173
00:07:27,263 --> 00:07:28,688
Well, I'd love to see
174
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,432
Jennifaire's Facebook page.
175
00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:33,785
Oh, we don't really believe
in social media,
176
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,413
but I can show you a picture.
177
00:07:38,033 --> 00:07:39,182
What is this?
178
00:07:39,275 --> 00:07:41,017
It's an ad for Tim Hortons
in Canada.
179
00:07:41,110 --> 00:07:42,294
She's a model for them.
180
00:07:42,445 --> 00:07:45,112
She gets her weight in coffee
free every month.
181
00:07:45,207 --> 00:07:47,966
- That's too much coffee.
- I also love coffee.
182
00:07:48,117 --> 00:07:50,802
It's important in relationships
to have shared interests.
183
00:07:51,029 --> 00:07:52,471
You could learn from that, Dad.
184
00:07:52,622 --> 00:07:54,956
Look, I may have
relationship problems,
185
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,033
but at least I have
a real relationship.
186
00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:58,626
What are you saying?
187
00:07:58,704 --> 00:08:00,812
You don't have a girlfriend.
You made her up.
188
00:08:01,039 --> 00:08:03,056
No, I didn't. She's real.
189
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,299
She's real, huh?
Well, then, let's go see her.
190
00:08:05,393 --> 00:08:07,986
You and I are going to Canada
first thing in the morning.
191
00:08:08,137 --> 00:08:11,214
Peter, don't forget, you get
the flu shot tomorrow morning.
192
00:08:11,233 --> 00:08:12,382
We're going to Canada right now.
193
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,550
And then, after,
194
00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:15,385
you're supposed to have
your prostate exam.
195
00:08:15,403 --> 00:08:16,995
Tomorrow afternoon,
we go to Canada.
196
00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:19,146
And then on Friday, we refill
your Percocet prescription.
197
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,583
Sometime next week,
we're going to Canada.
198
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,490
Peter, this is ridiculous.
199
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,735
You don't have to drive
all the way to Canada
200
00:08:31,753 --> 00:08:33,011
just to prove a point.
201
00:08:33,162 --> 00:08:35,180
Don't worry, Lois, he's gonna
crack way before that.
202
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,516
Well, at least bring
this thick sweater.
203
00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:39,926
Canada is its only chance
to get out.
204
00:08:40,078 --> 00:08:41,578
ALL:
Larry.
205
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:44,672
See you on the other side, boys,
and when I get there,
206
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,191
I'll send you a cable.
207
00:08:46,342 --> 00:08:48,860
ANNOUNCER: This fall,Pixar presents: Sweaters.
208
00:08:49,012 --> 00:08:52,322
Pixar: We're not a guaranteedhome run anymore.
209
00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:56,326
(sultry music playing)
210
00:08:58,430 --> 00:09:01,114
Wow, this short skirt
is making my legs
211
00:09:01,266 --> 00:09:03,767
look long and sexy.
212
00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:05,710
Long legs, huh?
213
00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:13,677
(sultry music playing)
214
00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:19,349
("Yankee Doodle" and sultry
music play simultaneously)
215
00:09:23,121 --> 00:09:25,272
(Lois and Meg grunting)
216
00:09:26,808 --> 00:09:28,958
- (music stops)
- Everything okay?
217
00:09:29,052 --> 00:09:32,612
(chuckles)
Give us one sec, okay, Jamie?
218
00:09:33,723 --> 00:09:35,298
What the hell are you doing?
219
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,150
Showing Jamie I have the sexiest
220
00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,302
and longest legs in this house.
221
00:09:39,395 --> 00:09:41,654
Oh, this is Mama's show, Meg.
222
00:09:41,823 --> 00:09:45,158
What are you talking about?
You've got Dad. Jamie's mine.
223
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:48,903
Look, your dad's away, and it's
time to load up my spank bank.
224
00:09:48,997 --> 00:09:51,405
All I need is one hug
with a lower-back brush
225
00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:54,000
and a sniff of the neck,
and I'm good for six years.
226
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,002
It's not happening, old lady.
227
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,746
Meg, I'm warning you,
if you don't back off,
228
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,340
I will end you.
229
00:10:00,492 --> 00:10:01,582
You wouldn't dare.
230
00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,519
(theme fromTerms of Endearment
playing)
231
00:10:10,852 --> 00:10:13,653
Only 100,000 meters to Canada.
232
00:10:13,763 --> 00:10:15,171
You stuck to your guns.
233
00:10:15,264 --> 00:10:17,357
No shame in admitting
there's no girlfriend now.
234
00:10:17,509 --> 00:10:20,101
I'm not admitting something
that's not true.
235
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,621
Well, hey, because you
definitely have a girlfriend,
236
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,106
maybe you can tell me
how you take a bra off.
237
00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:26,958
You just start blindly tugging
238
00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:29,628
until they sigh
and do it themselves.
239
00:10:29,779 --> 00:10:32,279
Been watching your old man, huh?
240
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:35,358
Well, it sounds like you're
quite the relationship expert.
241
00:10:35,451 --> 00:10:37,710
I'm sure you can tell me
what sex is like.
242
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,787
I could, or maybe
243
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,474
you could tell me
what sex is like.
244
00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:46,627
Oh, I could for sure tell you
exactly what sex is like.
245
00:10:47,630 --> 00:10:50,206
♪ I got a brand-new pairof roller skates ♪
246
00:10:50,225 --> 00:10:53,042
♪ You got a brand-new key ♪
247
00:10:53,061 --> 00:10:55,712
♪ I think that we shouldget together ♪
248
00:10:55,730 --> 00:10:58,898
♪ And try them out, you see ♪
249
00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:01,326
♪ I been looking arounda while ♪
250
00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:03,828
♪ You got something for me ♪
251
00:11:03,980 --> 00:11:07,390
♪ Oh, I got a brand-new pairof roller skates ♪
252
00:11:07,483 --> 00:11:10,335
♪ You got a brand-new key. ♪
253
00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:14,339
Jamie will be here any minute
to start on some repairs.
254
00:11:14,566 --> 00:11:16,675
I don't want
any more drama, Meg.
255
00:11:16,826 --> 00:11:18,401
You won't get any from me.
256
00:11:18,494 --> 00:11:19,344
(knock on door)
257
00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:22,180
Hey, there's the birthday girl.
258
00:11:22,331 --> 00:11:25,225
(chuckles) What?
What are you talking about?
259
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,264
Hi. I'm with
Kassabian Sheep Shearing.
260
00:11:31,416 --> 00:11:33,525
I'm here to shave Meg's back.
261
00:11:38,514 --> 00:11:41,515
So, my doctor was like,
"Oh, my gosh, you're so young
262
00:11:41,609 --> 00:11:44,035
you should probably
be going to a pediatrician."
263
00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:45,428
A baby doctor?
264
00:11:45,597 --> 00:11:48,281
Yeah, no, j-just as a joke
because, you know,
265
00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:50,116
I seem so young, I think.
266
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,693
Hey, Mom, I'm doing
a school report.
267
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,379
Who was president
when you were born?
268
00:11:54,530 --> 00:11:57,048
Uh, Dwight D. Ei--
Oh, you bitch.
269
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,533
Clinton. Dwight D. Clinton.
270
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:03,780
I did not have sexual relationswith that woman
271
00:12:03,782 --> 00:12:05,782
because I am extremely old
272
00:12:05,875 --> 00:12:08,351
and have a windsock penis.
273
00:12:11,473 --> 00:12:13,957
Look, I know how attached
you are to your girl,
274
00:12:13,975 --> 00:12:17,977
but I for one am very curious
to see a Canadian strip club.
275
00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:20,405
(rock music playing)
276
00:12:20,632 --> 00:12:24,650
ANNOUNCER:Fellas, put your mittenstogether for Brandi.
277
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,995
♪ ♪
278
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,822
God, just imagine
when she takes off
279
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,265
her middle pair of socks.
280
00:12:47,492 --> 00:12:49,325
Dad, what are we
even doing here?
281
00:12:49,418 --> 00:12:51,344
I'm in a committed relationship.
282
00:12:51,496 --> 00:12:53,754
Geez, relax. I figured
maybe you'd like seeing
283
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:54,773
a real girl or two.
284
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,165
Real girl?
285
00:12:56,184 --> 00:12:58,092
I can't believe
you still won't accept
286
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,277
that I have a girlfriend.
287
00:12:59,428 --> 00:13:01,354
It's just, it's just,
it's not adding up.
288
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:04,841
Oh, please.
Mom's way out of your league,
289
00:13:04,859 --> 00:13:07,693
so why can't you get it through
your thick and huge head
290
00:13:07,846 --> 00:13:09,270
that I found someone great?
291
00:13:09,364 --> 00:13:12,198
Head's not that huge, and Mom
is not way out of my league.
292
00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:14,517
We both have strengths
and weaknesses as people.
293
00:13:14,536 --> 00:13:17,111
Shut up. You're the luckiest
guy on earth.
294
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,372
Mom's hot and does everything.
295
00:13:19,524 --> 00:13:21,448
You're not hot and do nothing.
296
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,784
You know why I don't believe
you have a girlfriend?
297
00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:26,638
- Why?
- Because you're a fat loser.
298
00:13:26,865 --> 00:13:28,389
(gasps)
299
00:13:29,701 --> 00:13:31,309
(crying)
I hate you.
300
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:33,870
Ah, Chris, I didn't mean...
(groans)
301
00:13:33,888 --> 00:13:37,649
Oh, no, I probably just ruined
his self-esteem forever.
302
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,710
ANNOUNCER:Please welcome our next dancer,
303
00:13:40,728 --> 00:13:42,320
Chris Griffin.
304
00:13:42,547 --> 00:13:47,242
(sobbing)
This is because of you, Daddy.
305
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,893
Come on, Chris, get in the car.
306
00:13:56,986 --> 00:13:59,838
No. You called me a fat loser.
307
00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:03,416
Yeah, like P-H, phat,
and P-H, loser.
308
00:14:04,493 --> 00:14:06,660
Okay, I didn't want
to resort to this,
309
00:14:06,754 --> 00:14:09,163
but I have a Mountain Dew
with limited-edition
310
00:14:09,257 --> 00:14:11,432
X Games packaging in here.
311
00:14:12,594 --> 00:14:14,519
You're playing dirty pool.
312
00:14:14,746 --> 00:14:17,438
As a teen, I'm required
to be excited by that.
313
00:14:19,008 --> 00:14:22,418
Wow, flatland skateboarder
Rodney Mullen.
314
00:14:22,437 --> 00:14:23,695
(soda fizzes)
315
00:14:23,846 --> 00:14:25,346
(slurps)
316
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,256
Ah.
317
00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:29,926
As soon as I finish this bottle
and then bring it home
318
00:14:30,019 --> 00:14:31,944
to put on a display shelf
in my room,
319
00:14:32,021 --> 00:14:34,622
I'm going back
to walk on the road.
320
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:39,936
Hey, Jamie.
321
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,105
I just baked some cookies
when you're ready for a break.
322
00:14:42,198 --> 00:14:44,123
Man, you guys are spoiling me.
323
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,426
Let me work
on these gutters first.
324
00:14:49,705 --> 00:14:52,515
♪ ♪
325
00:14:58,381 --> 00:15:00,565
(screams)
326
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,384
(grunting)
327
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,528
(rapid grunting, yelps)
328
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,248
- (groans)
- (sizzling)
329
00:15:18,643 --> 00:15:20,476
I'm okay.
330
00:15:20,495 --> 00:15:21,586
Oh, thank God.
331
00:15:23,906 --> 00:15:25,757
- (both gasp)
- Oh, my God, Jamie.
332
00:15:25,908 --> 00:15:27,150
Ja...
333
00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:30,595
It's out. It's out.
It's very out.
334
00:15:33,082 --> 00:15:34,933
(somber organ music playing)
335
00:15:35,084 --> 00:15:36,768
And as they say,
336
00:15:36,995 --> 00:15:38,844
when God takes a handyman,
337
00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:40,939
he must need a cloud fixed.
338
00:15:41,166 --> 00:15:44,925
We miss you, Jamie.
Our Carhartts are broken.
339
00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:48,762
Now, please join us
for an Arby's catered reception.
340
00:15:48,856 --> 00:15:51,357
We ask that you leave your cups
and cigarette butts
341
00:15:51,509 --> 00:15:54,010
on the ground
or in attic crawl spaces
342
00:15:54,103 --> 00:15:56,412
to be found years later.
343
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,463
I-I can't...
You look so much like him.
344
00:16:05,690 --> 00:16:07,023
Jamie was my twin brother.
345
00:16:07,192 --> 00:16:09,616
Oh, you must be so sad.
346
00:16:09,711 --> 00:16:11,711
Are you also a handyman?
347
00:16:11,863 --> 00:16:13,304
No, I'm an inner thigh masseuse,
348
00:16:13,456 --> 00:16:15,289
specializing in moms
in their 40s.
349
00:16:15,366 --> 00:16:19,143
(purrs) You must need a hug.
350
00:16:19,370 --> 00:16:20,812
(moans)
351
00:16:20,963 --> 00:16:22,463
(sniffs)
352
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,315
(moans)
353
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:27,877
In Florida, which is where
I'm headed back to now.
354
00:16:27,895 --> 00:16:29,654
Nice meeting you.
355
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,244
Sorry, bro. Three's
a tough number for travel.
356
00:16:42,985 --> 00:16:45,244
(clears throat)
357
00:16:45,396 --> 00:16:47,246
Maybe we should try the radio.
358
00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:49,749
DJ:You're listening toCanadian Sports Talk Radio.
359
00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:51,400
How aboot our teams, eh?
360
00:16:51,419 --> 00:16:53,586
They're all oot theretrying super hard,
361
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,238
and that's what matters most.
362
00:16:55,331 --> 00:16:57,256
DJ 2:Yeah, outstanding effortall around.
363
00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:58,516
What a neat group of guys.
364
00:16:58,667 --> 00:16:59,925
DJ 1:Great point, bud.
365
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:03,079
The players are nice, and coachdoes the best he can...
366
00:17:03,097 --> 00:17:04,671
Bunch of bums.
367
00:17:04,766 --> 00:17:06,766
(Chris sniffling)
368
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,602
(whimpering)
369
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,846
- You okay?
- What do you care?
370
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,574
(tires screech)
371
00:17:15,777 --> 00:17:17,518
(inhales deeply)
372
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,945
I'm sorry for calling you
a fat loser.
373
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,689
It really hurt my feelings.
374
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,949
Why would you do that?
375
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,693
Well, this is hard
for me to admit, but...
376
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,379
I used to be a fat loser.
377
00:17:28,531 --> 00:17:29,380
What?
378
00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:30,606
In high school,
379
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:32,533
I said I had a hot
Canadian girlfriend
380
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,111
and that she was
the Vanna White of Canada.
381
00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:37,037
Nobody believed me,
so I made up a game show
382
00:17:37,131 --> 00:17:39,131
at an all-school assembly
to prove it.
383
00:17:39,284 --> 00:17:42,376
Okay, so earlier, you said
the winner of round one
384
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,378
is immune from
the sudden death round?
385
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:47,139
- They are.
- But our handout says
the sudden death round
386
00:17:47,292 --> 00:17:49,049
is part of the champions circle,
387
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,568
which determines the winner.
388
00:17:50,719 --> 00:17:53,529
So, the round one winner
can't win the game?
389
00:18:01,806 --> 00:18:04,473
Eventually, it all worked out.
I met your mom,
390
00:18:04,492 --> 00:18:06,733
I Brett Kavanaugh-ed her
up some stairs
391
00:18:06,828 --> 00:18:08,477
and accidentally had Meg.
392
00:18:08,479 --> 00:18:10,737
But high school
was a rough couple of years.
393
00:18:10,832 --> 00:18:13,316
Wow, Dad, I-I had no idea.
394
00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:15,318
I never told anyone that story.
395
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,670
I just wanted to save you
from some of the pain
396
00:18:17,822 --> 00:18:19,322
and humiliation I went through.
397
00:18:19,415 --> 00:18:21,340
You and I are a lot alike.
398
00:18:21,492 --> 00:18:22,583
You think so?
399
00:18:22,677 --> 00:18:24,176
I know so.
400
00:18:24,329 --> 00:18:26,086
I sure do love you, son.
401
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:27,997
I love you, too, Dad.
402
00:18:28,015 --> 00:18:30,191
♪ ♪
403
00:18:34,930 --> 00:18:36,930
- This the spot?
- Looks like it.
404
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:39,008
I'm proud of you
for standing up for yourself
405
00:18:39,101 --> 00:18:40,509
about your girlfriend.
406
00:18:40,528 --> 00:18:42,345
I'm glad we took
this trip together.
407
00:18:42,513 --> 00:18:43,996
Me, too, Dad.
408
00:18:52,357 --> 00:18:55,133
Hey, Dad, I just wanted
to say thanks.
409
00:19:04,369 --> 00:19:07,103
(sighs)
410
00:19:14,136 --> 00:19:16,136
There's no girlfriend.
411
00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:18,305
I made the whole thing up.
412
00:19:18,399 --> 00:19:21,884
I guess we're both a couple
of fat losers, huh, Dad?
413
00:19:21,903 --> 00:19:23,235
It's okay, buddy.
414
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,054
And what do you say
we head home?
415
00:19:25,072 --> 00:19:26,813
And on the way,
we can even watch
416
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,391
that new Pixar movie Sweaters.
417
00:19:28,409 --> 00:19:32,211
- Another home run?
- You bet it might be.
418
00:19:34,732 --> 00:19:36,465
(cell phone chimes)
419
00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:45,099
(cell phone buzzes)
420
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:55,251
Well, that was
quite an adventure,
421
00:19:55,344 --> 00:19:56,919
but I'm happy to be home.
422
00:19:57,012 --> 00:19:59,846
- I'm happy you're back, too.
- Where's Dad?
423
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,441
Oh, he had his
25th high school reunion.
424
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,368
And then whoever has
the most points
425
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,704
is named the
"Moose with the Most."
426
00:20:06,931 --> 00:20:08,113
Any questions?
427
00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:10,541
Yeah, if the show
was so popular in Canada,
428
00:20:10,768 --> 00:20:13,026
how come they never showed
reruns in the States?
429
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:15,438
Good question.
It was created by the CBC,
430
00:20:15,456 --> 00:20:18,699
which is a pipeline to the BBC,
which ran it quite regularly,
431
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,534
but that preexisted BBC America,
432
00:20:20,703 --> 00:20:23,036
so there was no
U.S. system in place. Next.
433
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:26,782
Yeah, say you win a trip
in the Moose Pit Challenge,
434
00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:30,453
but you're unable to go
due to some previous conflict?
435
00:20:30,546 --> 00:20:32,638
You have one calendar year
to take the trip.
436
00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:35,641
And if you win the Cash Bash,
are you taxed on your winnings?
437
00:20:35,793 --> 00:20:38,218
You have to declare the gross
amount on your taxes that year.
438
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,129
- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, makes sense.
439
00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:42,439
Guys, I've had 25 years
to perfect this.
440
00:20:42,666 --> 00:20:45,076
- You're not gonna stump me.
- Yeah, you said it was
the best-rated show
441
00:20:45,303 --> 00:20:48,079
in Nunavut in the '90s,
but Nunavut wasn't separated
442
00:20:48,306 --> 00:20:51,499
from the Northwest Territories
until 1999.
31174
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