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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,319 --> 00:00:04,728 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,747 --> 00:00:07,673 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:11,418 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,421 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:18,075 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:21,411 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:22,929 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,082 --> 00:00:24,189 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:30,154 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:37,129 --> 00:00:38,595 "Happy Birthday, Dog"? 11 00:00:38,614 --> 00:00:41,265 Sorry, I spaced on your name at the party store. 12 00:00:41,283 --> 00:00:42,432 Have a good one, Brent. 13 00:00:42,451 --> 00:00:44,209 (doorbell rings) 14 00:00:44,361 --> 00:00:46,103 Thanks for having us, Peter. 15 00:00:46,196 --> 00:00:48,530 I don't recall inviting Kevin, but sure. 16 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,864 BRIAN: His name you remember! 17 00:00:49,958 --> 00:00:52,109 I think it's ridiculous to have a party for a dog. 18 00:00:52,127 --> 00:00:54,945 Why spend money on something he can't even comprehend? 19 00:00:54,963 --> 00:00:56,780 (growling) 20 00:00:56,799 --> 00:00:58,949 This ball is nuts. 21 00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:00,967 Hey, happy birthday, Brian! 22 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,062 Bonnie and I got you a big stick. 23 00:01:03,213 --> 00:01:04,712 Wow, thank you! 24 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:06,139 I'm gonna take it into the kitchen 25 00:01:06,292 --> 00:01:08,358 and I don't foresee having any issues with that. 26 00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:11,361 (grunts) 27 00:01:12,648 --> 00:01:13,772 (grunts) 28 00:01:13,924 --> 00:01:16,057 (grunting) 29 00:01:16,151 --> 00:01:17,892 Okay, I can make this work. 30 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,803 Think, Brent, think. 31 00:01:19,896 --> 00:01:21,655 Uh, Joe, isn't that the same stick 32 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,064 we gave you for your wedding? 33 00:01:23,158 --> 00:01:24,991 You told me it was a magic wand. 34 00:01:25,144 --> 00:01:26,901 I pointed it at a bus, the bus crashed, 35 00:01:26,995 --> 00:01:28,420 that's all I'm saying. 36 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,164 Happy Birthday, Brian. 37 00:01:31,317 --> 00:01:32,574 I got you a card. 38 00:01:32,742 --> 00:01:35,577 On the front it says, "Too much sex ruins your eyesight" 39 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:38,079 and on the inside it says, "Happy Birthday," 40 00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:40,915 but all blurry-- Oh! I gave it away! 41 00:01:41,009 --> 00:01:44,494 It also says, "Love, Aunt Judy and Uncle Bob." 42 00:01:44,588 --> 00:01:48,440 A joke that good doesn't celebrate just one birthday. 43 00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,016 Well, fellas, I'm off. 44 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,018 Old Joe's got a big stakeout this week, 45 00:01:52,171 --> 00:01:54,020 so I'm gonna practice by watching the party 46 00:01:54,115 --> 00:01:55,739 from across the street. 47 00:01:57,009 --> 00:01:58,492 (door closes) 48 00:01:59,862 --> 00:02:02,121 (grunts) 49 00:02:02,348 --> 00:02:06,683 "Those who doubt the wand's power suffer the wand's wrath." 50 00:02:06,702 --> 00:02:09,035 Leviticus 26:12. 51 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:10,871 (indistinct chatter) 52 00:02:11,023 --> 00:02:13,373 Was anybody gonna wake me up for the party? 53 00:02:13,525 --> 00:02:15,300 It's 6:30. I went down at noon. 54 00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:18,453 Now I'm gonna be up all night, watching bad reality TV. 55 00:02:18,547 --> 00:02:21,956 ANNOUNCER: We now return to Uber Driver: Ninja Warrior. 56 00:02:22,050 --> 00:02:23,867 (cheering) 57 00:02:23,886 --> 00:02:25,218 (chime sounds) 58 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,371 ANNOUNCER: First, he's gotta swing on the gold chains 59 00:02:27,464 --> 00:02:30,482 across the cologne bath without dropping his e-cigarette. 60 00:02:30,592 --> 00:02:31,708 (cheering) 61 00:02:31,727 --> 00:02:32,893 Next, he's gotta pick up 62 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:35,136 a ride share customer. 63 00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:36,971 - (revving) - (tires squealing) 64 00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:39,974 Now he's gonna be late, but he's going to make it seem like 65 00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:41,142 the passenger's fault and not his. 66 00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:42,736 Where the hell have you been? 67 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,163 I been here, man. 68 00:02:44,314 --> 00:02:45,889 Maybe you press wrong button. I don't know. 69 00:02:45,908 --> 00:02:49,459 Now don't talk to me. I'm on four different phone calls. 70 00:02:56,251 --> 00:02:57,509 Hi, everyone, Peter Griffin. 71 00:02:57,661 --> 00:03:00,012 Welcome to the roast portion of the evening. 72 00:03:00,239 --> 00:03:02,422 Ladies and gentleman: my son, Chris. 73 00:03:02,574 --> 00:03:04,666 Born on the highway, because that is where 74 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,760 most accidents happen. LOIS: Peter! 75 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,078 But we're here to talk about 76 00:03:08,096 --> 00:03:09,688 Brian getting another year older. 77 00:03:09,839 --> 00:03:12,416 You know, I hear he can't even bury a bone these days 78 00:03:12,434 --> 00:03:13,767 without Viagra. 79 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,177 Ha, all right, all right, I can take it. 80 00:03:16,271 --> 00:03:18,530 And they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, 81 00:03:18,757 --> 00:03:21,608 but I heard Brian just learned how to roll over and beg... 82 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,035 for an erection. 83 00:03:23,262 --> 00:03:25,019 (chuckling) Okay. That's sort of 84 00:03:25,113 --> 00:03:26,930 just another jab at my penis, but sure. 85 00:03:26,949 --> 00:03:28,040 On the positive side, 86 00:03:28,267 --> 00:03:30,283 Brian's latest book was a real page-turner. 87 00:03:30,436 --> 00:03:32,936 Yeah, I turned the pages into toilet paper. 88 00:03:33,071 --> 00:03:34,287 'Cause Brian's old now 89 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,715 and can't satisfy women through intercourse. 90 00:03:36,942 --> 00:03:37,958 Peter, I'm fine. 91 00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:39,443 Are you sure this isn't about you 92 00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,111 not being able to perform on your anniversary? 93 00:03:41,129 --> 00:03:43,388 I told you that in confidence! 94 00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:50,454 Whoa, slow down, buddy. 95 00:03:50,472 --> 00:03:52,305 It's snack time, not Black Friday. 96 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,807 Nobody's walking outta here 97 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,792 withFirst Wives Club on Blu-ray, okay? 98 00:03:55,811 --> 00:03:57,143 Nice as that sounds. 99 00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:59,554 I heard there's a special feature on the Blu-ray 100 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,056 that's just Diane Keaton shrieking the commentary. 101 00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:03,242 Huge, if true. 102 00:04:03,469 --> 00:04:06,470 Actually, Stewie, there's something important 103 00:04:06,488 --> 00:04:08,580 I sorta need to talk to you about. 104 00:04:08,807 --> 00:04:09,806 Okay. 105 00:04:09,941 --> 00:04:12,918 I recently found out I have cooties. 106 00:04:13,069 --> 00:04:14,902 And you're telling me why? 107 00:04:14,997 --> 00:04:16,646 Well, I mean, uh... 108 00:04:16,665 --> 00:04:17,981 remember last week? 109 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,258 When we ate from the same Play-Doh? 110 00:04:19,409 --> 00:04:22,210 ("Bread and Butter" by The Newbeats playing) 111 00:04:22,321 --> 00:04:25,005 ♪ He likes bread and butter ♪ 112 00:04:25,157 --> 00:04:27,991 ♪ He likes toast and jam ♪ 113 00:04:28,084 --> 00:04:30,602 ♪ That's what his baby feeds him ♪ 114 00:04:30,754 --> 00:04:32,920 ♪ He's her loving man ♪ 115 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:36,608 ♪ Well, I like bread and butter ♪ 116 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,278 ♪ I like toast and jam. ♪ 117 00:04:39,429 --> 00:04:40,504 Stewie, listen. 118 00:04:40,597 --> 00:04:42,355 I just think you should get tested, okay? 119 00:04:42,508 --> 00:04:45,025 What? You mean I played with the Play-Doh 120 00:04:45,177 --> 00:04:47,177 everyone you ever played Play-Doh with played with? 121 00:04:47,195 --> 00:04:48,361 I've been played! 122 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:53,199 Can I have a chocolate milk with my snack today, please? 123 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:57,045 What? Honey, the chocolate milk is the snack. 124 00:04:59,875 --> 00:05:01,875 (doorbell rings) 125 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,693 Hey, Bonnie. Is Joe around? 126 00:05:03,787 --> 00:05:05,195 No, he's on his stakeout. 127 00:05:05,213 --> 00:05:06,138 Oh, that's too bad. 128 00:05:06,365 --> 00:05:08,289 Tomorrow's Chris's Career Day, 129 00:05:08,383 --> 00:05:10,550 and Joe's hat is a key element of what I do. 130 00:05:10,702 --> 00:05:13,812 So that's how I became Quahog's first ninja cop. 131 00:05:13,963 --> 00:05:15,647 - Questions? - Yes. 132 00:05:15,799 --> 00:05:17,298 - Mister-- - Officer Hi-yah. 133 00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:19,209 Did you park in the handicapped spot? 134 00:05:19,227 --> 00:05:21,044 Ninjas don't have cars. 135 00:05:21,063 --> 00:05:22,212 Well, it's gettin' towed. 136 00:05:22,305 --> 00:05:24,156 Oh, no! My Chevy Cruze! 137 00:05:24,383 --> 00:05:25,899 Thank you. Thank you. 138 00:05:26,051 --> 00:05:28,142 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 139 00:05:28,236 --> 00:05:29,219 (running footsteps) 140 00:05:29,312 --> 00:05:31,646 Man, something smells good in here. 141 00:05:31,740 --> 00:05:32,998 You cooking brussels sprouts? 142 00:05:33,225 --> 00:05:34,649 No, I just farted. 143 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:35,742 That checks out. 144 00:05:35,894 --> 00:05:37,227 Anyway, somethin' else smells good. 145 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:38,745 I think dinner's ready. 146 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,113 I didn't hear a ding. 147 00:05:40,265 --> 00:05:41,840 That's how I always know to run into the kitchen, 148 00:05:41,991 --> 00:05:43,249 shove a napkin in my shirt 149 00:05:43,402 --> 00:05:45,251 and hold my utensils upright at the table. 150 00:05:45,404 --> 00:05:48,597 Well, I made it in the oven, not the microwave. 151 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,227 You want a little taste? 152 00:05:57,082 --> 00:05:58,264 Holy crap. 153 00:05:58,417 --> 00:06:00,250 That's the best thing I've ever had. 154 00:06:00,268 --> 00:06:02,861 You know, I usually cook for one-and-a-half, 155 00:06:03,012 --> 00:06:05,179 but Joe's still on his stakeout. 156 00:06:05,273 --> 00:06:06,365 You want to stay for dinner? 157 00:06:06,516 --> 00:06:09,183 Ah, man, I'd love to, but it'd be wrong. 158 00:06:09,277 --> 00:06:10,702 I always eat dinner with Lois. 159 00:06:10,929 --> 00:06:12,278 Aw, you sure? 160 00:06:12,431 --> 00:06:14,873 You can sit in Joe's dining harness if you like. 161 00:06:15,024 --> 00:06:16,208 How's he get into that thing? 162 00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:18,618 We have a large array of medical-grade cranes 163 00:06:18,770 --> 00:06:19,953 and pulleys that lift him. 164 00:06:20,105 --> 00:06:22,381 - Man, that must make the house ugly. - It does. 165 00:06:22,608 --> 00:06:25,233 (sighs) All right, I guess I could text Lois. 166 00:06:25,235 --> 00:06:27,094 But just this once. 167 00:06:58,493 --> 00:06:59,901 Okay, we're good. 168 00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:02,178 So, how long have you had Invisalign? 169 00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:03,663 - You can see it? - Yeah, I mean, 170 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,007 it's just a name, not a fact. 171 00:07:10,989 --> 00:07:13,006 Okay, Stewie, think positive. 172 00:07:13,158 --> 00:07:14,916 The test results will be negative. 173 00:07:15,010 --> 00:07:16,342 Chin up, bud. 174 00:07:16,495 --> 00:07:19,921 Incontinence is really not that uncommon at your age. 175 00:07:20,015 --> 00:07:21,848 What underwear do you recommend? 176 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,683 Depends. (laughs) 177 00:07:23,835 --> 00:07:25,110 Sorry, old joke. 178 00:07:25,261 --> 00:07:27,520 Now, get out of here and go have some fun. 179 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,614 Make some fake skin out of dried glue, would ya? 180 00:07:29,841 --> 00:07:31,432 All right, who's next? 181 00:07:31,526 --> 00:07:32,767 Oh. 182 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,936 Stewie. Come in. 183 00:07:36,105 --> 00:07:40,107 Okay, I just want to verify some medical history here. 184 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,202 Any recent boo-boos? 185 00:07:42,354 --> 00:07:43,186 No. 186 00:07:43,279 --> 00:07:44,871 Any ouchies or uh-ohs? 187 00:07:45,023 --> 00:07:46,039 No, nothing like that. God. 188 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,524 Good, good. 189 00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:49,283 And how many boogies would you say 190 00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:52,137 - you consume in a week? - Oh, God, maybe, like... one. 191 00:07:52,288 --> 00:07:54,531 Maybe two during the holidays. Maybe. 192 00:07:54,549 --> 00:07:56,123 Stewie, I'm your doctor. 193 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,458 I can tell just by looking at you 194 00:07:57,478 --> 00:07:59,035 that you're eating more than that. 195 00:07:59,054 --> 00:08:01,313 I'm thinking you had one just on the way here. 196 00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:03,297 What? 197 00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,649 Okay, I did! I'm sorry. 198 00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:07,210 I've just been so nervous about these test results. 199 00:08:07,303 --> 00:08:09,395 Well, that's understandable, 200 00:08:09,548 --> 00:08:13,808 seeing as how you did test positive for cooties. 201 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,069 What? That's terrible! 202 00:08:16,221 --> 00:08:19,331 I think you need to get your affairs in order. 203 00:08:19,482 --> 00:08:21,333 I don't have any affairs! I'm one! 204 00:08:21,484 --> 00:08:23,335 Well, then you're ready to die. 205 00:08:29,417 --> 00:08:32,235 (humming) 206 00:08:32,328 --> 00:08:33,753 - Did you say something? - Me? 207 00:08:33,905 --> 00:08:34,921 No, just humming. 208 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,073 It's part of my alternative cooties therapy. 209 00:08:37,092 --> 00:08:39,409 Did you know you can literally vibrate disease 210 00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:40,593 out of the body? 211 00:08:40,746 --> 00:08:42,003 No, I know the opposite of that. 212 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,763 Oh, Brian. You'll see. 213 00:08:43,915 --> 00:08:45,081 When you get this close to death, 214 00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,766 your whole perspective changes. 215 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,319 I got your meds, honey. 216 00:08:51,606 --> 00:08:53,439 My father never loved me, 217 00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,868 but Stewie-- he take good care of me. 218 00:08:57,095 --> 00:08:59,687 - Who was that? - That's my 20-year-old nurse. 219 00:08:59,781 --> 00:09:01,264 He's wearing homemade sandals. 220 00:09:01,357 --> 00:09:02,874 Yeah, he has no medical training. 221 00:09:03,101 --> 00:09:04,376 Stewie, aren't you being a little dramatic 222 00:09:04,603 --> 00:09:05,602 about this cooties thing? 223 00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:08,104 Brian, this is the Flintstones cocktail 224 00:09:08,123 --> 00:09:09,548 I have to take every day. 225 00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:11,608 17 Barneys. 18 Wilmas. 226 00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:14,294 I have to take the Bam-Bams just to keep things moving. 227 00:09:14,446 --> 00:09:16,037 Does this seem dramatic to you? 228 00:09:16,131 --> 00:09:17,222 Yes, incredibly. 229 00:09:17,373 --> 00:09:19,616 NURSE: Stewie, I found one! Come look! 230 00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:22,135 (sighs) He likes to find frogs in the garden 231 00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:23,228 and then show them to me. 232 00:09:23,379 --> 00:09:26,022 His simplicity keeps me young. 233 00:09:31,296 --> 00:09:33,220 Peter, what's wrong? 234 00:09:33,315 --> 00:09:34,555 You don't have an appetite. 235 00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,408 I'm gonna get one, just give me a minute. 236 00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,059 You've barely touched your dinner. 237 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,636 Lois, the more you talk about it, 238 00:09:39,654 --> 00:09:40,804 the more it's gonna be a whole thing. 239 00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:42,581 Just let me focus here. 240 00:09:43,809 --> 00:09:46,167 Okay, okay, that's working. 241 00:09:47,495 --> 00:09:49,662 Mmm, oh, this is better, Bonnie. 242 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,590 Did you just call me Bonnie? 243 00:09:51,817 --> 00:09:53,817 No! God-- God, no! 244 00:09:53,835 --> 00:09:55,501 We all heard it, Dad. 245 00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:56,678 Hey, Chris? 246 00:09:58,081 --> 00:10:00,173 'Kay? Got it? 247 00:10:00,325 --> 00:10:02,100 Well, what if I spiced it up for you, Peter? 248 00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:04,603 I-I think I saw a take-out mustard packet 249 00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:05,937 in the key drawer. 250 00:10:06,089 --> 00:10:07,330 That's a water bed for my army guy. 251 00:10:07,423 --> 00:10:09,165 What if you spun the plate around, Dad? 252 00:10:09,184 --> 00:10:10,442 Tried it from behind? 253 00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:12,001 Meg, go to place. 254 00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:13,594 Ugh, do I have to? 255 00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,196 I said "go to place"! 256 00:10:18,693 --> 00:10:20,952 Anyway, Lois, I think it's a non-starter tonight. 257 00:10:21,179 --> 00:10:22,436 I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, 258 00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:25,014 look at pictures of barely-legal Russian food on my iPad, 259 00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:27,167 and then go to bed. 260 00:10:31,373 --> 00:10:32,538 Okay, we're rolling. 261 00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:36,359 Hi, I'm Tony Award winner Stewie Griffin-Styles. 262 00:10:36,378 --> 00:10:38,786 - What? - It's called manifesting, Bri. 263 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,047 Anyway, everything I have and own 264 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,882 is being left to Rupert in a trust 265 00:10:43,034 --> 00:10:44,792 for when he gets sober. 266 00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:47,294 And no, Rupert, getting high is not getting sober, 267 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,797 I don't care if you found the one AA group in town 268 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:50,982 that tells you otherwise. 269 00:10:51,134 --> 00:10:52,667 Brian, are you getting my right angle? 270 00:10:52,727 --> 00:10:54,377 You said you wanted it from the left side. 271 00:10:54,396 --> 00:10:55,970 - You want it from the right? - (sighs) 272 00:10:56,064 --> 00:10:58,047 The left angle is the right side. 273 00:10:58,141 --> 00:10:59,565 - Okay, back to one. - (Brian sighs) 274 00:10:59,718 --> 00:11:04,079 Stewie, you got a letter from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. 275 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,999 Oh, my God, they've accepted my application! 276 00:11:08,151 --> 00:11:10,001 I'm gonna get my final wish granted! 277 00:11:10,153 --> 00:11:13,672 I get to meet the Philadelphia Flyer's mascot, Gritty! 278 00:11:13,823 --> 00:11:15,581 Gritty, Gritty. Gritty. 279 00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:18,325 I'm not going to pee in a cup for you, so stop asking. 280 00:11:18,420 --> 00:11:21,262 This was supposed to be my day and you're ruining it. 281 00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,184 (sighs) 282 00:11:26,411 --> 00:11:28,912 You'll Venmo me for this, too, I suppose? 283 00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:31,764 (opera music playing) 284 00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:33,082 Oh, Brian, I'm glad you're here. 285 00:11:33,101 --> 00:11:35,768 Me and a bunch of other buff cooties victims 286 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,178 are gonna shut down the third floor 287 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,364 of a Bloomingdale's tomorrow. What do you think? 288 00:11:41,593 --> 00:11:42,683 She's alive, right? 289 00:11:42,777 --> 00:11:44,018 Stewie, come on, this is ridic... 290 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,745 (music playing loudly) 291 00:11:45,855 --> 00:11:47,188 Do you mind this music, Bri? 292 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,374 - Do you like opera? - Not really. 293 00:11:49,525 --> 00:11:52,377 Oh, Bri, you really haven't heard "The Wheels on the Bus" 294 00:11:52,528 --> 00:11:54,695 until you've heard it in its original Italian. 295 00:11:54,789 --> 00:11:57,623 ♪ Le ruote del bus ♪ 296 00:11:57,776 --> 00:12:00,777 ♪ Il turno ♪ 297 00:12:00,795 --> 00:12:03,112 ♪ Il turno... ♪ 298 00:12:03,131 --> 00:12:04,297 - (music shuts off) - Enough, Stewie! 299 00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:05,949 You've taken this whole thing too far. 300 00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:07,392 I'm washing my hands of your cooties. 301 00:12:07,619 --> 00:12:09,635 Which, had you done in the first place, 302 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,788 might have prevented all this. 303 00:12:11,806 --> 00:12:12,956 You see, Rupert? 304 00:12:13,049 --> 00:12:15,216 That's why I'm glad you stopped drinking. 305 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,277 You were that ugly. 306 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,889 (doorbell rings) 307 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,967 BONNIE: Yoo-hoo. Anyone home? 308 00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:26,393 - I'll get it. - No, I got it! 309 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,748 Aw, they sure do grow up fast, don't they? 310 00:12:29,899 --> 00:12:31,824 Chris, have you masturbated today? 311 00:12:31,977 --> 00:12:34,477 - No, ma'am. - Well, get up there. 312 00:12:34,496 --> 00:12:36,588 And don't come back till you're... 313 00:12:36,815 --> 00:12:38,072 What's for dinner? 314 00:12:38,166 --> 00:12:40,759 What are you doing here? My family's right inside. 315 00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,910 I thought you might want some lunch. 316 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,578 Joe's still on his stakeout 317 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,215 and I know you like wagon-wheel pasta. 318 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,841 Of course I like wagon-wheel pasta. 319 00:12:48,994 --> 00:12:50,602 I'm an adult with a developmental disorder. 320 00:12:50,829 --> 00:12:53,420 (inhales) Man, that smells good. 321 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,331 Okay, fine. But, we gotta do this quick. 322 00:12:55,391 --> 00:12:57,066 Right here against the wall. 323 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,938 Hey, Stewie, I wanted to apologize for last night 324 00:13:11,032 --> 00:13:13,016 and also maybe charge my phone... 325 00:13:13,034 --> 00:13:14,626 What the hell? 326 00:13:18,039 --> 00:13:20,023 Hello, Brian. If you're watching this, 327 00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:21,691 it means you couldn't find your phone charger 328 00:13:21,784 --> 00:13:22,967 and came in to use mine. 329 00:13:23,194 --> 00:13:24,544 Man, am I that predictable? 330 00:13:24,696 --> 00:13:25,970 Yes. Yes, you are. 331 00:13:26,197 --> 00:13:28,789 Anyway, I can see that my disease has become a burden 332 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:29,974 to the people I love, 333 00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:32,126 so I've decided to take a bus to Vermont 334 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,295 to have physician-assisted suicide. 335 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,040 - What? - I've left two suits in my closet, 336 00:13:37,058 --> 00:13:38,207 and this is very important: 337 00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:39,392 the black is for the wake, 338 00:13:39,544 --> 00:13:41,135 the wool is for the 'Gram story. 339 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,154 Two suits, Bri. Two looks. 340 00:13:43,381 --> 00:13:45,231 That's what people would expect of me. 341 00:13:45,383 --> 00:13:46,566 Oh, my God. This is terrible. 342 00:13:46,718 --> 00:13:48,809 Okay, don't look at the tags, that's tacky. 343 00:13:48,903 --> 00:13:51,645 Well, I'm not telling you that, but not cheap. 344 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,072 I don't care about the suits! 345 00:13:53,224 --> 00:13:55,316 Anyway, you were a good friend, Bri. 346 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,410 Oh, and if they make a movie about my life, 347 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:58,837 don't let Jim Carrey play me. 348 00:13:59,064 --> 00:14:00,413 Unless he gets his eyes done. 349 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,566 Even then, though... Ugh, hard maybe. 350 00:14:03,659 --> 00:14:05,042 What have I done? 351 00:14:05,269 --> 00:14:06,252 This is all my fault. 352 00:14:06,404 --> 00:14:08,237 I drove my best friend away 353 00:14:08,331 --> 00:14:11,240 and now he's alone and dying on a bus somewhere. 354 00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,759 Oh, also, you can have my penis enlarging machine. 355 00:14:13,912 --> 00:14:15,228 It's in my closet. 356 00:14:19,601 --> 00:14:21,008 Ah! Did you look? 357 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,694 Will you-- will you text me if you looked? 358 00:14:30,095 --> 00:14:31,777 Hey, guys, have you seen Stewie? 359 00:14:31,930 --> 00:14:34,097 No. Have you checked his Instagram? 360 00:14:34,115 --> 00:14:35,765 Of course. 361 00:14:35,783 --> 00:14:38,284 "Felt a little trepidation about killing myself, 362 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,620 "so I went to a Phish show in Burlington 363 00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,288 to push me over the edge." 364 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,031 That's it. He's in Burlington! 365 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,441 Thanks, Chris. 366 00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:48,386 Long days, short years, huh, Meg? 367 00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:51,431 - LOIS: Chris! Masturbate! - Jerk! 368 00:15:00,642 --> 00:15:04,051 This is seriously the best turkey I've ever had, Bonnie. 369 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,486 (vehicle approaching) 370 00:15:06,798 --> 00:15:08,740 (gasps) Looks like Joe's home early. 371 00:15:08,967 --> 00:15:11,058 What? I ate most of his dinner! 372 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,469 He's gonna be so pissed. I better hide. 373 00:15:13,488 --> 00:15:15,972 Hey, Bon, did you know there's a difference 374 00:15:16,065 --> 00:15:17,640 between Tenth Street and Tenth Avenue? 375 00:15:17,733 --> 00:15:20,476 Anyway, I may have bonered the stakeout. 376 00:15:20,569 --> 00:15:22,754 Aw, thanks for pre-chewing my meal, babe. 377 00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:26,165 The food shuttles out of my cloaca much easier that way. 378 00:15:26,317 --> 00:15:29,243 Time to let these dogs out of their cages. 379 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,387 Bon, would you turn on my foot fan? 380 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,159 I gotta create a distraction so I can get out of here. 381 00:15:36,177 --> 00:15:37,493 (phone chimes) 382 00:15:37,586 --> 00:15:40,271 Oh, God, Peter's texting me about going to the Clam. 383 00:15:40,498 --> 00:15:42,331 That guy is getting insufferable. 384 00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:44,500 And that dumb Shaquille O'Neal GIF! 385 00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:46,110 It's like, we get it, it's humorous 386 00:15:46,262 --> 00:15:48,354 for a man that large to act playful. 387 00:15:48,506 --> 00:15:49,505 I thought so. 388 00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:51,065 So, anyway, I'm gonna go dump all this 389 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,618 completely undigested food out of my bag, 390 00:15:53,845 --> 00:15:54,953 into the toilet. 391 00:15:55,104 --> 00:15:56,937 If I time it right and close my eyes, 392 00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:59,165 it almost sounds like real diarrhea. 393 00:16:01,352 --> 00:16:03,277 This can never happen again, Bonnie. 394 00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:06,205 Time for a poignant, cinematic farewell. 395 00:16:06,357 --> 00:16:09,133 ♪ ♪ 396 00:16:11,287 --> 00:16:14,472 (whispers) I don't like when Bill Murray is serious. 397 00:16:14,699 --> 00:16:17,350 ♪ ♪ 398 00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:26,359 Hang tight, Stewie, I'm coming. 399 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,640 Is that-- is that Bernie Sanders? 400 00:16:33,735 --> 00:16:34,826 Ha! 401 00:16:34,977 --> 00:16:36,810 Goes to Vermont once. 402 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,554 Ah! How'd you get in here? 403 00:16:38,573 --> 00:16:41,057 I was propelled by a heart attack. 404 00:16:41,075 --> 00:16:43,226 Now, let me talk about wages 405 00:16:43,244 --> 00:16:45,561 while the corners of my mouth fill with mung. 406 00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:47,413 Are your glasses always that smudged? 407 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,842 I haven't used a wipey cloth in 35 years. 408 00:16:50,993 --> 00:16:52,902 You know who uses wipey cloths? 409 00:16:52,995 --> 00:16:54,086 Billionaires! 410 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,405 I-I'm sorry, I agree with everything you say, 411 00:16:56,499 --> 00:16:58,074 but can you just say it softer? 412 00:16:58,092 --> 00:17:02,186 Ooh, someone at Coachella must have said my name three times. 413 00:17:02,413 --> 00:17:04,147 Goodbye! 414 00:17:09,345 --> 00:17:12,179 Wow, Lois, this smells amazing. 415 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,257 Yeah, it's eggs and garlic. 416 00:17:14,350 --> 00:17:16,743 I microwaved them till they were mixed. 417 00:17:18,780 --> 00:17:21,614 Oh, oh, they're beautiful. 418 00:17:21,766 --> 00:17:22,874 I love them. 419 00:17:23,025 --> 00:17:24,191 Well, I'm just glad to see 420 00:17:24,285 --> 00:17:25,692 you like my cooking again, Peter. 421 00:17:25,787 --> 00:17:27,545 What do you mean? What other cooking would I like? 422 00:17:27,696 --> 00:17:29,714 Bonnie's? You saying I've been eatin' at Bonnie's? 423 00:17:29,865 --> 00:17:32,032 Okay, fine, Lois! I've been eatin' dinner at Bonnie's! 424 00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,626 I think we should have another baby. 425 00:17:33,778 --> 00:17:34,627 That'll fix this. 426 00:17:34,779 --> 00:17:36,112 Peter, I don't care. 427 00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:37,129 You don't? 428 00:17:37,282 --> 00:17:39,632 No, it's less food for me to make 429 00:17:39,784 --> 00:17:41,208 and besides, you know, 430 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,061 these things happen in all marriages. 431 00:17:43,212 --> 00:17:44,878 Now, if you'll excuse me, 432 00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,380 I'm going to go into the other room 433 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,233 and sing Melissa Manchester's "Don't Cry Out Loud." 434 00:17:50,886 --> 00:17:53,071 ("Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester begins) 435 00:17:54,723 --> 00:17:56,741 No! No! Stop it! Stop it! Nope! Nope! Can't afford it! 436 00:17:56,968 --> 00:17:58,392 Well, what can we afford? 437 00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,969 "Black Betty" by Ram Jam. 438 00:18:00,062 --> 00:18:01,637 ♪ Whoa, Black Betty ♪ 439 00:18:01,656 --> 00:18:03,472 ♪ Bam-ba-lam, whoa, Black Betty ♪ 440 00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:05,232 ♪ Bam-ba-lam, Black Betty had a child ♪ 441 00:18:05,326 --> 00:18:06,976 ♪ Bam-ba-lam, damn thing gone wild ♪ 442 00:18:07,069 --> 00:18:08,336 ♪ Bam-ba-lam. ♪ 443 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,740 Almost done, Stewie. 444 00:18:13,835 --> 00:18:16,168 Do you have an email address for our mailing list? 445 00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:18,763 Uh, no thanks, I'm about to kill myself. 446 00:18:18,914 --> 00:18:20,264 Stop the procedure! 447 00:18:20,491 --> 00:18:22,934 Look Stewie, I know I've been hard on you, 448 00:18:23,161 --> 00:18:24,102 but it's only because I've been 449 00:18:24,253 --> 00:18:25,828 struggling with my own mortality. 450 00:18:25,847 --> 00:18:27,939 What? But you're perfectly healthy. 451 00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:30,666 Stewie, I celebrated my tenth birthday this week. 452 00:18:30,685 --> 00:18:32,110 In dog years, I'm 70. 453 00:18:32,337 --> 00:18:33,853 It's all I can think about. 454 00:18:34,005 --> 00:18:35,671 That's the age people shrug at 455 00:18:35,690 --> 00:18:36,930 when they see it in an obituary. 456 00:18:37,024 --> 00:18:39,266 Wait, T.O., you're 70? 457 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,435 Do you get regular peels? You look great. 458 00:18:41,529 --> 00:18:43,696 Yes, I've got a great gal, we'll talk. 459 00:18:43,848 --> 00:18:45,772 The point is, I felt like my life was ending, 460 00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:47,032 but I was wrong. 461 00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:48,942 When I was driving up here to the clinic, 462 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,444 I saw the leaves change. 463 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,872 I tapped a maple tree and milked a cow. 464 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:55,040 I-I tried fresh cream for the first time 465 00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:56,692 and went to a writer's retreat. 466 00:18:56,785 --> 00:18:59,637 I met Margaret Atwood and we foraged for wild mushrooms. 467 00:18:59,864 --> 00:19:02,365 Wow, sounds like you were in a real rush to get here. 468 00:19:02,383 --> 00:19:04,958 The point is, I've got a lot of life left in me, 469 00:19:05,052 --> 00:19:06,477 and so do you. 470 00:19:06,704 --> 00:19:07,903 Easy for you to say. 471 00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:09,147 You don't have a terminal illness. 472 00:19:09,298 --> 00:19:11,357 Oh, for God's sake, you don't have... 473 00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,986 Brian, what are you doing? Don't touch that! 474 00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:16,637 That's the infected Play-Doh! 475 00:19:16,731 --> 00:19:18,322 Brian, no! Stop! 476 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,808 There. Now I have cooties, too. 477 00:19:21,903 --> 00:19:23,477 And I don't care. 478 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,145 You... you don't? 479 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:26,555 We all have cooties, 480 00:19:26,574 --> 00:19:29,650 whether it's illness or loneliness or turning 70. 481 00:19:29,744 --> 00:19:31,002 Nothing is promised. 482 00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:32,837 We could get run over by a car. 483 00:19:33,064 --> 00:19:34,230 Or struck by lightning. 484 00:19:34,248 --> 00:19:36,365 We could be hit with an unprecedented pandemic 485 00:19:36,417 --> 00:19:38,234 that the government is slow to recognize, 486 00:19:38,252 --> 00:19:39,510 woefully unprepared for 487 00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:41,679 and then mismanages with reckless incompetence. 488 00:19:41,830 --> 00:19:43,239 But that's all the more reason 489 00:19:43,257 --> 00:19:45,016 to appreciate the time we do have. 490 00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:46,242 I mean, look around! 491 00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:48,427 Look at this room. It's beautiful. 492 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,096 Bri, did you eat those mushrooms you found? 493 00:19:51,249 --> 00:19:53,858 Yeah. You actually look like a very old witch right now. 494 00:19:54,085 --> 00:19:56,677 But I'm also just happy to be alive... 495 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:58,321 and you should be, too. 496 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,258 You know what? You're right, Brian. 497 00:20:02,351 --> 00:20:04,184 Too bad you can never get that on the page, 498 00:20:04,278 --> 00:20:05,703 but that's profound. 499 00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:07,279 Hey, I changed my mind. 500 00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:09,540 I don't want to do the procedure. 501 00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:10,875 My life isn't over. 502 00:20:11,026 --> 00:20:13,619 Why, I've only just begun. 503 00:20:13,771 --> 00:20:17,030 ("We've Only Just Begun" by the Carpenters begins) 504 00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,108 Stop it! Nope! Nope! Nope! Can't afford it! 505 00:20:19,126 --> 00:20:20,885 Well, what can we afford? 506 00:20:21,112 --> 00:20:22,795 ♪ Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam ♪ 507 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,555 ♪ Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam ♪ 508 00:20:24,782 --> 00:20:26,615 ♪ Black Betty had a child, bam-ba-lam ♪ 509 00:20:26,709 --> 00:20:28,142 ♪ Damn thing gone wild, bam-ba-lam. ♪ 510 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:33,731 (indistinct chatter) 511 00:20:33,958 --> 00:20:35,549 Yeah, you, first question. Go ahead. 512 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,718 REPORTER: Meg was noticeably absent from the episode. 513 00:20:37,812 --> 00:20:39,962 - Was that a team decision or... - Yeah, I'm not going to be 514 00:20:39,981 --> 00:20:41,239 answering any questions about Meg. 515 00:20:41,390 --> 00:20:42,389 We'll be dealing with Meg internally. 516 00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:43,799 - Over here. - REPORTER 2: Do you think 517 00:20:43,892 --> 00:20:45,968 we'll be seeing more of Peter and Bonnie teaming up? 518 00:20:46,061 --> 00:20:47,486 I thought it played pretty well. 519 00:20:47,638 --> 00:20:48,895 Uh, we'll have to look at the tape on that 520 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,473 and, uh, make a decision moving forward. 521 00:20:50,533 --> 00:20:52,157 - Yeah. - H. JON BENJAMIN: You guys used to be on at 9:00, 522 00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:54,310 now you're on at 9:30. What happened with that? 523 00:20:54,328 --> 00:20:55,811 All right, I'm done here. 524 00:20:55,904 --> 00:20:57,997 This suit cost $40,000 525 00:20:58,149 --> 00:21:00,591 and I'm throwing it away after this press conference. 526 00:21:00,743 --> 00:21:02,426 Okay, over here? 36634

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