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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,560 SNORING 2 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:09,360 ALISON SIGHS 3 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,360 ALISON EXHALES 4 00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:27,160 Morning, guys. 5 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:56,800 Julian? 6 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:04,880 Robin? 7 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,560 Hmm. 8 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,920 Fanny? 9 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,840 They can't all just... 10 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,160 Mike! Oh, my... 11 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,480 DOOR SHUTS 12 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,440 It's the ghosts. What now? 13 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,120 I can't see them any more. 14 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,240 I... 15 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,800 I c-can't see them any more. 16 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,280 What do you mean? 17 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,440 My gift, it's... 18 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,320 It's gone. I can't see ghosts any more. 19 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,600 ALL: April Fools! 20 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,840 GHOSTS CHUCKLE 21 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,720 CHUCKLING DIES AWAY 22 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,880 SOBS 23 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:11,160 Is she laughing? 24 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,880 Are you laughing? 25 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,960 CONTINUES SOBBING 26 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,000 I don't think she's laughing. 27 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,640 Ali? Are you OK? 28 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:45,920 Yeah, fine. 29 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:47,480 You? 30 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,320 Yeah. Yeah, you just seemed a bit upset earlier. 31 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,160 No, no, no, no. All good. 32 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:53,800 Yeah? Yeah. OK. 33 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,200 Don't worry. I'm going to have the last laugh. 34 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,560 Right. Cool. So, um, I've been going over our finances, 35 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,960 and the spreadsheet's not looking good. 36 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,960 Oh, God, no. OK, maybe if you, like, right-align the columns 37 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,560 and then you put the headings in bold, that will at least... 38 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,840 Obviously, I'm talking about the numbers. OK. Hmm. 39 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,560 Without the income from the gatehouse, 40 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,800 even with functions, it's going to be tight. Mm-hm. 41 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,920 Mmm. The insurance from the fire should get us back 42 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,760 on an even keel, but beyond that, 43 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,360 we're going to struggle to stay in the green. 44 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,800 Black? What's the opposite of red? Blue? 45 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,600 Stay in the blue? Stay in the b... 46 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,640 Are you even listening? Hmm? 47 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,240 This is important. Yeah. No, no, no. 48 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,120 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know. I just... 49 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,640 Could we deal with this this afternoon? 50 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,720 Just cos there's something I need to focus on until, like, midday. 51 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,840 Mm. Is it playing an April Fools' prank 52 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,520 on a bunch of dead people? Maybe? 53 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,160 It isn't not that. 54 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,640 Right, OK, well, the second you get even with them, 55 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,320 I'm going to need your undivided... 56 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,520 Do we own a saw? 57 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,000 PIERCING SCREAM 58 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,320 BIRD CAWS 59 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,320 SCREAMS 60 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,040 GRUNTS 61 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,080 Oh, not you. 62 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,360 GRUNTS 63 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,840 Oh... 64 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,360 LADY BUTTON: It was yellow! Oh, no. 65 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,840 CAPTAIN: The greenfinch IS yellow, 66 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:33,560 but not as yellow as a yellow finch. 67 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,440 Oh, it's ridiculous. Who do I write to? 68 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:36,600 Well... 69 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,440 GHOSTS GUFFAW AND LAUGH 70 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,120 That the best you can do? 71 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,200 Nice try! Better luck next month! 72 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,880 PAT: Oh, for the last time, there is no May Fools' Day! 73 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,640 GHOSTS CHATTER HAPPILY 74 00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,760 HUMPHREY: Ah! Impaled by a fence post, was it? 75 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,800 Hmm? Oh, well, yeah. I mean, that was the idea, 76 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,360 but probably a bit far-fetched. 77 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:05,720 Stranger things have happened. 78 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,080 I suppose so. 79 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,120 Hmm. Yeah, well... 80 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,240 It was worth a try. 81 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,640 So that's it, is it? Giving up? 82 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,080 Well, unless you have an idea? 83 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,280 Idea? No, no. No. 84 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,600 OK. Ideas? 85 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,160 You betcha. 86 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:23,600 I'm listening. 87 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,440 I just think maybe you put all your eggs in one basket 88 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,400 when it might be easier, 89 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,040 dare I say more satisfying, 90 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,240 to pick them off one by one. 91 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,080 I mean, between us, we know them all pretty well. 92 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,560 I'm sure we could work out which buttons to press. 93 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,080 What's in it for you? 94 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,760 To that lot, I'm just a punch line. 95 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,240 A punchbag. A football. 96 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,880 Then there was that time they stuck me up on that high shelf. 97 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,600 When was that? Tuesday. Ah... 98 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,760 Mmm. I just think that maybe we're both due a little payback, 99 00:05:55,760 --> 00:06:00,880 and as I understand it, until midday on this particular day, 100 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,040 anything goes. 101 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,120 Hmm. Hmm. 102 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,560 Right. Thomas. 103 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,560 Need a hand with the wording? No. No, no. 104 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,960 I've got this one. 105 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,600 Start with the low-hanging fruit. 106 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,720 Oh! Talking of which - Kitty. 107 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,800 Hmm. Erm... 108 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,800 OK, OK. Here's an idea. 109 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,880 Now, it might be a bit complicated, so just bear with me, 110 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,280 but what if we told her there was a balloon...? 111 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,240 There's a balloon? Where? 112 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:29,920 No... Everyone, there's a balloon! 113 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,520 Kitty, April Fo... 114 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,320 No. OK. No, she's gone. 115 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,320 KITTY MUMBLES 116 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,160 Well, I guess that's one off the list, 117 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,280 and we've three hours to go. 118 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,600 This is going to be easy! 119 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,760 CHUCKLES 120 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,760 OK. 121 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:47,080 "Meet me in the wood store 122 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,560 "at 10am." 123 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,560 LAUGHS 124 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,560 Time to go and bait the trap. 125 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,440 Send him my love! 126 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,440 CHUCKLES 127 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,280 HUMS CHEERFULLY 128 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,080 GASPS 129 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,720 DOORBELL RINGS 130 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:48,800 Alison! 131 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,680 Mr Cooper? That's right. 132 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,280 Joy Kielty, Irish Friendly. 133 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,680 I'm Mike Cooper. 134 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,720 English. Also friendly. 135 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,120 No, I'm from Irish Friendly, your insurance company. 136 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,800 You put a claim in for a fire at your guesthouse. 137 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,880 Right. Sorry. We didn't know you were coming... Alison! 138 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,120 No. Well, I'm a loss adjuster. 139 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,360 OK. And does our loss need...adjusting? 140 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:16,560 It means... 141 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,760 Well, we don't use the term investigator. 142 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,720 Our claim is being investigated? 143 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,000 We don't use that term. 144 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,280 But it is? Yes. 145 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,320 Why? 146 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,400 There are just a few details that we need to verify 147 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,040 before we can pay out on the policy. 148 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,800 Oh, so it's, like, just a routine thing? 149 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,560 Perhaps you could show me the site of the incident? 150 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,720 Uh... Yeah, sure. 151 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:40,360 It's just, uh, this way, um...? 152 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,680 Joy. 153 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,440 Sure. 154 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,920 Look, it's perfectly simple. 155 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,680 The brown one is a blackbird. 156 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,440 The red and black one is a goldfinch. 157 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,280 And the bluetit has a yellow chest. 158 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,520 Right. I'm just saying - 159 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,280 you know where you are with a sparrow. 160 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,160 That's a dunnock. You what?! 161 00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:00,400 OK. Now, try to remain calm, everyone, 162 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,000 but there is a balloon, possibly a number of balloons, 163 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,280 somewhere in this house. 164 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,440 And they might be the float-to-the-ceiling kind, 165 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,720 so it's vital we find them before they lose their magic. 166 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,200 Are you sure, Kitty? It's nobody's birthday. 167 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,240 All I know is, Alison said there's a balloon. 168 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,640 Perhaps a balloon animal. And I know... 169 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,960 Come on, Kitty. She's winding you up, love. 170 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,480 What? 171 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,520 Is May Fool. 172 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,880 April! April. 173 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,440 Yeah. She's pulling on your legs. 174 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:30,280 Most likely reprisal for our antics this morning. 175 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,560 So she said there was a balloon, 176 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,400 but there actually wasn't a balloon? 177 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,680 LAUGHS SOFTLY 178 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,640 Oh, that is so clever. 179 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,240 Oh, no. 180 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,920 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 181 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,600 What's up with Attenborough? 182 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:47,720 Well, can't you see? She's picking us off like a sniper. 183 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,600 She may have got to Kitty first, 184 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:51,080 but she'll come for us all. 185 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,960 Oh, give over. Just a harmless bit of fun. 186 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,120 Is it, Patrick? Is it?! 187 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,600 Or have we awoken a demon hellbent on revenge? 188 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,000 We need to be on our guard, 189 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,960 keep our wits about us, for the enemy is smart. 190 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,840 She is motivated. 191 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,280 We should expect tactics of breathtaking subtlety 192 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,720 and sophistication. 193 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,480 ALISON: Seriously? They found a Stuka dive-bomber in the woods? 194 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,760 What? What?! 195 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,560 Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! 196 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,200 PANTS 197 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,440 Clever girl. 198 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,040 And the fire was caused by a fork of lightning? 199 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,120 Yeah. 200 00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,440 Bizarre, eh? 201 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,680 But I suppose you must see that a lot. 202 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:01,760 No. 203 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,880 And no-one was inside at the time? 204 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,040 No. Luckily. Hmm. 205 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,400 Most convenient. 206 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,640 So how did you know it was lightning? 207 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,840 Oh, I... I saw it. 208 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,480 From inside the house? 209 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,760 No, no. I was...nearby. 210 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:16,960 Where? 211 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,240 Under a tree. 212 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,560 In a thunderstorm? 213 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:20,720 Well, I... 214 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,880 I thought it was a shower at first. 215 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,600 I was trying to stay dry. Hmm. 216 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,720 Then why not head inside? 217 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,360 Well, I couldn't leave the bear. 218 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,800 FAINT CLINKING 219 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,000 BIRDS COO 220 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,200 CLEARS THROAT 221 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,160 EXHALES 222 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,080 You got my note? 223 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,120 Indeed. 224 00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,320 I must confess, I was somewhat taken aback by your candour. 225 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:04,160 I had begun to wonder if you would ever see sense. 226 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,240 I think it was this morning - 227 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,320 fearing I might never see you again, 228 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,880 I suddenly realised the depth of my feelings. 229 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,400 I can no longer deny the... 230 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,880 The frisson. The frisson. Exactly. 231 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,920 I knew you would succumb to my charms 232 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,920 in the fullness of time. 233 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,280 And Michael will understand, I'm sure of it. 234 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,200 A dear soul, certainly, 235 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,880 but not possessing of the depths you require... 236 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,240 ...desire. 237 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,880 Yeah. 238 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,360 Shall we? 239 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,000 Oh, no. 240 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,520 Oh, God. 241 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,720 Oh, God. I'm so sorry. No... 242 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,000 No, no, no. It's fine. 243 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,640 A love such as ours shall face many challenges, 244 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,280 but where the heart is driven... 245 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,840 ...the flesh shall find a way. 246 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,920 We can't even share a meal. 247 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,440 Or a hug. 248 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,160 Or a kiss. 249 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,040 Indeed. 250 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:14,840 Such interactions are frustratingly limited. 251 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,600 Though I suppose there's... There's always... 252 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,120 Oh! Erm... Um... Should we? 253 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,080 Things are moving so fast, I... 254 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,560 GASPS, CLEARS THROAT 255 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,680 Oh, the angels in heaven! 256 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,880 April Fools! 257 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,640 LAUGHS 258 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,080 I totally got you. 259 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:39,360 LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY 260 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,520 Oh, that is priceless! 261 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,560 I'm so amused right now, 262 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,200 because you would never... Never. 263 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,320 Never. Never. Never. 264 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,320 CONTINUES LAUGHING 265 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,080 Ha-ha-haaaa... 266 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,880 She's a monster! 267 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,160 You too, eh? What did she do? 268 00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,240 She... 269 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,000 We... 270 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,760 It doesn't matter what she did. 271 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,000 Know only that she is Beelzebub incarnate! 272 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,680 Where are the others? 273 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,360 Lying low, if they have any sense. 274 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,680 They might be all right. 275 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,800 There's only two hours left until midday. 276 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,200 Surely she can't get us all. 277 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,000 Ohh, I would put nothing past that she-devil! 278 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,120 ANGRILY: That callous, heartless... 279 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,840 SOFTLY: ..doe-eyed, soft-skinned... 280 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,880 Damn it! 281 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,560 So, who do we think she'll try to fool next? 282 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,200 Well, if she's thinking tactically, 283 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,480 she'd be best advised to pick off the softest target. 284 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,280 Someone easily duped, 285 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:37,280 guileless, gullible, open-hearted to a fault. 286 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,720 HUMS CHEERFULLY 287 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,320 Oh, come on! They can't seriously ban Scotch eggs. 288 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,400 I wouldn't be certain about the veracity 289 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,160 of that news story, Alison. 290 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,120 Sounds a little implausible to me. 291 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:59,040 If I were you, I'd cross-check it with multiple news sources 292 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,120 across the political spectrum. 293 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:05,440 I'd hate for you to have the wool pulled over your eyes. OK? 294 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,000 Thanks. Yeah. Thanks. 295 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:17,080 She's trying, God love her, but talk about amateur hour! 296 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,320 CHUCKLES 297 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:19,440 Yeah? 298 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,920 Ooh... 299 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,320 JOY: So, the argument was about the bear? 300 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,840 Yeah. He wasn't allowed in the house. Why not? 301 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,520 He never wiped his feet. 302 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,520 CHUCKLES 303 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,040 It was a disagreement over taste. 304 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,720 My wife wasn't keen on him, 305 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,600 so I was taking him to live up here. 306 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,000 And can I see this bear? 307 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,280 Erm, no. 308 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,920 He was also destroyed, sadly. 309 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,280 In the fire? 310 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,120 Erm, no. A tree fell on him. 311 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,240 A tree? 312 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,800 Yeah. Struck by lightning. 313 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,080 I thought you said the lightning struck the roof. 314 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,160 Different lightning. 315 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,040 So you're saying your property was struck by lightning twice? 316 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,120 Yeah. 317 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,360 No, three times. The other one hit... 318 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:58,480 Nobody. 319 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,520 Nothing. The ground. 320 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,720 Sounds insane when you say it out loud. 321 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,920 You should see it written down. 322 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,880 What do you mean? What I say. 323 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,320 He didn't fall for it. 324 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,120 And you definitely said Scotch egg? 325 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,480 Of course I said Scotch egg! 326 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,560 SIGHS 327 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,560 God... 328 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:16,760 I could murder a Scotch egg. 329 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,080 Well, the way I see it, you've got two options. 330 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,280 Mm-hm. You could just call it a day, let bygones be bygones 331 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:28,000 and forget all about this silly revenge business, or... 332 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,200 ..you double down. 333 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,840 No more Mrs Nice Alison. 334 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,200 Pull off the kid gloves 335 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,560 and show them exactly who they're messing with. 336 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,280 Or, you know, neither. 337 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,440 Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. 338 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,200 But it just doesn't make any sense. 339 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,400 What, because Pat saw through her ruse and you didn't? 340 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,320 Well, yes, frankly. 341 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,400 I mean, if you look up gullible in the dictionary, 342 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,200 there's a picture of Pat's face. 343 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,600 Is there? 344 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,480 No, Katherine. No. 345 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,000 Unless she didn't prank him at all. 346 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,320 Perhaps he's pranking us by pretending she pranked him 347 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,120 because we pranked her for pranking... No, hang on. 348 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,400 Face it. 349 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,680 We have no idea who she'll get next. Or how. Or who. 350 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,560 Hmm. Maybe you're right. 351 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:18,720 Though I think we can all guess who will be the last of us to fall. 352 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,480 Deceitful, cynical, underhand, 353 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,040 and, lest we forget... 354 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,280 OTHERS: ...morally bankrupt. 355 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,560 Exactly. 356 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,360 If seven public inquiries 357 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:32,560 couldn't trip the man up, what on earth can? 358 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,560 Hello! 359 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,560 CHUCKLES 360 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,080 Ooh. 361 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,320 GRUNTS 362 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,200 JAUNTY MUSIC 363 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,200 Oh, damn and blast! 364 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,280 JULIAN GROANS 365 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:55,680 Well, well, well. 366 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,040 Look who's here. 367 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,480 There is no weakness she will not exploit! 368 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,200 That was below the belt - and not in a fun way. 369 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,160 Wait a minute. Where's Pat? 370 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,880 Still at large. 371 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,080 Ah! Talk about insult to injury! 372 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,600 PAT HUMS CHEERFULLY 373 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,000 Pat? 374 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,240 CHOPPING 375 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,720 Alison. 376 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,560 I'm sorry, you know, for... For everything earlier. 377 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,920 The Scotch egg thing. 378 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,160 I don't know what you mean, Alison. 379 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,240 Sure. OK. I just... 380 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,400 I was a bit angry, you know, about this morning, 381 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,240 but I don't want to fall out over it. I just... 382 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:33,640 It's water under the bridge now. 383 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:34,840 It's basically... 384 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,840 Oh, my God. No! Oh, God! Oh, my finger! Pat! Pat! 385 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,280 Argh! Ouch! 386 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:46,280 Alison, I took whole packs of ten-year-old boys away camping 387 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,960 every year for a decade. 388 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,200 Do you really think there's a practical joke known to man 389 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,080 that hasn't been pulled on me? 390 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,480 Itching powder in the underpants. 391 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,080 Potato in the exhaust pipe. 392 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,440 Hand in a bowl of water so you wet the bed. 393 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,520 Been there, done it, and got the T-shirt made. 394 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,320 So you'd best save your energy, Alison, 395 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,680 because I'm bulletproof, me. 396 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:11,960 And, you? 397 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,960 You're there, mate. 398 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,680 SNARLS 399 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,520 CHOMPS 400 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:22,760 SWALLOWS 401 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,240 WHISPERING: Jesus. 402 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,120 So you were here when lightning struck the property? 403 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,800 Yeah. We kissed here and then... You kissed? 404 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:35,840 Yep. 405 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,080 The bear? 406 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,400 No. No, my...my wife. I was no longer with the bear. 407 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,480 Not romantically. We split up. 408 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,840 I'd left him. It. 409 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,320 I left it under the tree. 410 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,880 But you said your wife was back in the main house. 411 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,000 Yeah, she was. She came out when the storm got bad. 412 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,320 So, as the lightning got worse, 413 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,160 your wife also came out into it? 414 00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:57,680 Yes. 415 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:02,320 She came to warn me because she saw the first bolt hit the cave... 416 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,480 Caved in...bit of lawn. 417 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,800 There. Actually not there. 418 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,280 More over there. More over there. 419 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,640 Can I speak to your wife? 420 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,600 Oh! New chapter. 421 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:24,880 Hmm. Hmm. 422 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,640 Hmm. Hmm? 423 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:27,680 Hmm... 424 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,880 Hmm-mm... 425 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,800 The girth of his what?! 426 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,760 Oh, the depravity! Alis... 427 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,760 I'm not sure what to be more disappointed by - 428 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,040 the obscene nature of your attempted deception 429 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,280 or the sloppiness of its execution. 430 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:57,400 I'm no fool, Alison, April or otherwise. 431 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,480 OK. Sorry. Yeah. 432 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,880 I just thought it was a little bit of fun, that's all. 433 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,280 LADY BUTTON GASPS 434 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,160 What on earth is that? 435 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,400 It's a tattoo. 436 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,680 Another one? 437 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,280 Two tattoos? 438 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,440 That scribble on your ankle was common enough. 439 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:12,600 But this! This! 440 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,920 It's been there, like, a month. I thought you'd seen it. 441 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,280 If I'd have seen it, young lady, you'd have known about it. 442 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,360 My own kith and kin branded like some lowly navvy, 443 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,960 painted like a tawdry Jezebel! 444 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:26,160 Times have changed. You're still a Button. 445 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,680 No, I'm a Cooper, and I fancied some fresh ink, so I got them. 446 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,520 Them? Plural? 447 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,320 Yeah. The big one's on this arm. 448 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,000 What?! 449 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,760 LADY BUTTON GASPS 450 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,160 CHUCKLES 451 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,160 Your face! 452 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,240 Yes! 453 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,240 Yes, I suppose you think that's funny, do you? 454 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,440 I do. I absolutely do. 455 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,960 But you don't need to worry, because it's felt tip, 456 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,480 so it rubs right off. 457 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,000 OK. 458 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,040 Just... 459 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,320 Ah, OK. You might have to live with that 460 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,680 for about a week or so. 461 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,120 Oh! Ugh! 462 00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,680 Hook, line and sinker! 463 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,760 CHUCKLES 464 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,760 Told you! OK. 465 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,920 Five down, two to go. 466 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,320 I've had this idea for Pat, but I don't know. 467 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,640 It might be going a bit far. Hey, hey, hey! 468 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,560 He's the one who upped the ante. 469 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:11,920 He's brought it on himself. 470 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,600 Yeah, you're right. OK. 471 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,200 Well, then, that just leaves Robin, 472 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,200 and I've got no ideas and not much time, so... 473 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,800 Don't you worry about Robin. 474 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,600 I'll take care of him. 475 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,400 Ooh. Yeah, sure. 476 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:26,960 What are you thinking? 477 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,240 Well... 478 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,240 GRUNTS 479 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,280 THUD! 480 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,280 Oh, my God. Ow! 481 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,000 MUFFLED: Perfect. 482 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,080 IN EERIE VOICE: Hello, Robin. 483 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,520 Oh... 484 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,160 EERIE VOICE: Ehhh! 485 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,320 Oh, no. 486 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:48,720 He's back. 487 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,040 Ehhh... 488 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,840 Oh. Not bear. 489 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,960 Just little badger. 490 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,360 BLOWS KISSES 491 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,320 Who are you calling little? 492 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,320 GASPS 493 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,040 Hang on. 494 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,720 Badgers not talk. 495 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,840 They do when they're angry enough. 496 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,160 Angry? That's right. 497 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,560 Rumour has it that someone around here 498 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,840 ate an awful lot of my ancestors. 499 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:17,720 No, no. We... 500 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,320 Well, not often. 501 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:21,720 You too small. 502 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,880 See, we prefer, er, a mammoth or a deer, 503 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,840 or, on very special occasion, a wild dog. 504 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,480 I knew it! 505 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,480 SCREAMS 506 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,120 ALISON LAUGHS 507 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,760 April Fool! 508 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,800 Damn you, Cooper! Yes! I got him. 509 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,760 I got him. I got him. Yeah, yeah. Well done. 510 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,640 Very much still inside a badger. 511 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:41,800 Oh, yeah. 512 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,920 And I thought these things smelled bad on the outside. 513 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,840 I've only got 25 minutes left to get Pat. 514 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,760 Well, don't just stand there. Go on! 515 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,840 Keep me posted, yeah? 516 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,240 SNORES 517 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,240 MIKE: Well, she was running 518 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,720 from the direction of the house, so I assumed that... 519 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,880 But you didn't see her IN the house? 520 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,720 Well, no, I was under the tree. 521 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,600 Yes, but I'm just trying to ascertain 522 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,880 where exactly your wife was when the fire broke out. 523 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,480 Oh. OK. 524 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:24,680 I see what you're getting at. 525 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,000 Well, I can assure you 526 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,240 that my wife isn't just going around setting fire... 527 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,480 Mrs Cooper? 528 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,080 Sh. 529 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,960 Alison, this is Joy Guilty Kielty - 530 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,520 from the insurance company. 531 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,560 About the fire. 532 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,800 Hi. I'm Alison. So nice to meet you. 533 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,320 Oh, God. Sorry. I think I stood up too quick. 534 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,760 Um... This is a practical joke. 535 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:57,640 An April Fools thing for one of the...living people who live here. 536 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,040 Oh, but your policy document says that you are 537 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,480 the only two occupants. 538 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,160 We are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 539 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,840 I meant a friend. 540 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,080 We have a house guest staying, so I'm... 541 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,040 Pretending the house is on fire? 542 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,040 Well... Yeah. 543 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,560 Yeah. Well, I thought, you know, a warm welcome. 544 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,360 Could you just excuse me for one second? 545 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:23,800 VOMITS 546 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:29,600 Sorry. Sick in a bush. 547 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,760 I think it must be the... Nerves? 548 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,040 ..fumes. 549 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,200 So, any other questions? 550 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,640 No. I think I've seen everything I need to. 551 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:43,680 Sorry. 552 00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:51,960 Obviously, I know how that looks and, well, 553 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,400 how all of it looks, but I promise you, 554 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,200 everything that I have told you is 100% the truth, 555 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,880 and I'm begging you... 556 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,200 Well, actually not beg. 557 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:03,200 No, I would totally beg if that helps, 558 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,360 cos we really need this and I... 559 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:08,600 Mr Cooper, I'm going to recommend that we approve your claim 560 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,560 and pay out on the policy in full. 561 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,080 What? 562 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,560 Seriously? 563 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,920 I've met a lot of fraudsters in my time, Mr Cooper, 564 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:20,600 and I can assure you no genuine criminal would ever come up 565 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,840 with a story as patently ridiculous as that one. 566 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:27,200 Stuff that absurd only ever happens in real life. 567 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:37,760 ON TV: This is a great mixture 568 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,000 of flavours and textures to combine to make 569 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,680 an extravagant plate of beef. 570 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:42,920 The amount of beef... 571 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:44,200 Um, Mike... 572 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,800 Hey. Where have you been? 573 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,240 Oh, well... Did you see the email? 574 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,880 All confirmed. They're paying out on the policy. 575 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,280 So that'll bring us back to, uh, zero. 576 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,760 So, yay! No money. 577 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,040 Yeah. Yeah. 578 00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,240 Can I have a word with you in private? 579 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,760 In pri...? Is there a ghost in here? 580 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,640 GHOSTS HUM 581 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,680 TV PROGRAMME CONTINUES 582 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,400 You OK? 583 00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:11,680 Yeah. 584 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,000 I think so. 585 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,320 Uh... 586 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:19,160 Now, I felt a bit emotional and then hungry and then not. 587 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:23,400 And then a bit faint and then a bit sick. 588 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,360 And... Well, I did a test and, um... 589 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:31,520 ..I'm pregnant. 590 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,880 As if! 591 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,160 PAT CHUCKLES I mean, the prop's a nice touch, 592 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,520 but your stooge here is as wooden as anything, love. 593 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,240 Pat... And nobody just... 594 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,680 It's after midday. 595 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,040 Oh, my God. You're pregnant! 596 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,480 What? What?! Really? 597 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,000 We're having a baby? 598 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:55,280 We're having a baby! 599 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,120 GHOSTS LAUGH 600 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:58,520 Wonderful news. 601 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,600 That's wonderful. 602 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,840 GHOSTS CHAT AND EXCLAIM 603 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,440 Did we get him? 61915

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