All language subtitles for As.Good.as.It.Gets.1997.UHD.BluRay.2160p.TrueHD.Atmos.7.1.DV.HEVC.REMUX-FraMeSToR.en

I'm just gonna get some flowers, dear.
I'll be back in 20 minutes.

It's tulip season today and I'm so happy.

- Son of a bitch.
- Come on, sweetie.

Come on, sweetie.

Yes, come on. Come on now, sweetheart.

Come on, sweetie. Come on. Come on.

Let's go for a little ride,
then you can whiz all over the city.

Come on.

Come on, go for a ride.
Come on. Come on, sweetie.

No! Freeze! Freeze.

Leg down. Leg down. Leg down.

That's it. That's it. Come on, now.

Come on. Come on, now. Come on.

No! You monkey-eared son of a...

You have pissed your last floor.

I'll bet you wish you were a real...

Oh, you dog-eared monkey.

This is New York. If you can make it here,
you can make it anywhere.

You relentless, smelly, little...

Verdell?

Verdell? Verdell?

Where's my good doggie? Verdell?

Come here, sweetheart.

Mr. Udall?

- Have you seen Verdell?
- What does he look like?

My dog. You know, my...

My dog with the little, adorable face.

Don't you know what my dog looks like?

I got it. You were talking about your dog.

I thought it was the name
of that colored man in the halls.

Which color was that?

Like thick molasses with a broad nose.

- Perfect for smelling prison food.
- Frank!

- Frank!
- Simon, you have got to get dressed.

- Frank Sachs. Melvin Udall.
- How you doing?

Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall.
Yeah, I think you know that.

People are coming...

What I know is, as long as you keep
your work zipped up around me,

I don't care what
or where you shove your show.

Are we done being neighbors for now?

- Let me talk to you...
- No, no, no! Not worth it.

Definitely not.
Verdell must be in the apartment.

Okay.

Hope you find him. Love that dog.

You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five.

Okay.

Hot. Hot, hot, hot.

- Oh, Carl, Carl. Hi, Carl.
- Frank.

- Where is he?
- He's here, isn't he? He lives here.

Take it easy. He had a thing with the dog.

- He's not such a hot-looking dog.
- He's adorable.

Good Lord. My honey. Where have you been?

Look at my boy. Look at him.

- I found him, Mr. Bishop.
- I know you did. We know you did.

Where was my baby? Where was my baby?

In the basement garbage bin
eating diaper shit.

- You earned your fun, John.
- Sorry. It just struck me as funny.

Oh, wait.

How did he get down there?
Even if he got in the elevator...

Maybe some nice neighbor shoved him
down the garbage chute.

"Somewhere in the dark,
she had confessed and he had forgiven.

This is what you live for, he said.

Two heads on a pillow.
Where all is approval.

And there is only the safety
of being with each other.

How could she find such hope
in the most shameful part of her?"

- Mr. Udall!
- "At last, she was able to define love."

"Love was..."

Mr. Udall, I'd like to speak to you.
Let me do this by myself.

- "Love was..."
- Are you in there?

Son of a bitch!

Pansy-assed stool-pusher!

Yes?

Maybe this can wait. I...

I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.

Well, that's a load off.

Did you do something to him?

Do you realize that I work at home?

No, I wasn't aware.

Do you like to be interrupted
when you're nancing around in your garden?

No, no, I actually will turn
the ringer off on my phone.

- And put a piece of cardboard...
- I work all the time.

So never, never interrupt me, okay?

Not if there's a fire, not if you hear
the sound of a thud from my home

and one week later there's a smell
from a decaying human body

and you have to hold a hanky
to your face because of the stench.

Even then, don't come knocking.

Or if it's election night

and you wanna celebrate
because some fudge-packer that you date

has been elected
the first queer president.

And he's going
to have you down to Camp David...

and you want someone
to share the moment with.

Even then, don't knock. Not on this door.

Not for any reason.

Do you get me, sweetheart?

Yes. It's not a subtle point
that you're making.

Okay, then.

So now he will think twice
before messing with me.

All right.

"Love was..."

What was love?

"Love was..."

Now I'm pissed. Now I am really pissed!

Don't touch! Don't touch! Don't touch!

Shut up! You don't intimidate me
with your attitude.

I grew up in hell, homeboy.
My grandmother had more attitude.

Police! Doughnut-munching morons!

Help me! Help me! Help me!

Assault and battery! And you're Black!

I like Simon enough
to batter you unrecognizable

if you verbally abuse him
or so much as touch that dog again.

Meantime, I'll think of some way
that you can make it up to him.

I hate doing this! I'm an art dealer.

Have a nice day.

Okay, party!

Party!

- Excuse me.
- Don't touch. Don't touch.

Get a life.

- Hey, watch it.
- Don't touch!

- Look at you. You're all better.
- New medication.

You know all my son's stuff?
No, I got a date tonight.

I'm walking out the door, he says to me,
"Mom, I promise not to get a cough.”

- Oh, isn't that sweet?
- A little blond angel.

- Go ahead, tell me.
- Eat everything.

I said, "You love me the way
you love your remote control,

as long as I switch every time
you press one of my buttons."

- That's great. Terrific.
- I know.

People that talk in metaphors ought
to shampoo my crotch.

- Eat up!
- Stay there, I've got your money.

- You pay me next week.
- No, I owe you.

I told you today, that's the rule.
Excuse me, Melvin.

- Oh, don't... Don't...
- Excuse me.

- There you go. You take care.
- Thank you.

Pardon me.

Pardon me. Take the money.
Debts make me crazy.

Take a cab home, so you have time
to get ready for the date.

Ready is not my problem.

- I'm starving.
- Go on. You're not allowed back here.

Spence is more excited about it than I am.

He says, "Mom, I promise
not to get a fever during your date."

Sometimes, these kids, you just wanna...

- I've got Jews at my table.
- It's not your table. It's the place's.

Behave. You can sit
at someone else's station.

Or you can wait your turn.

- You have feelings for her?
- Well, yes.

How much more have you got to eat?

Appetites aren't as big
as your noses, huh?

- What?
- That's it. Forget it, that's it.

- Let me talk to him.
- Let's go.

- Give him one more chance.
- No, barred for life.

Here I go. Here I go.

- They left.
- Yeah, what do you know?

Bryan says if you ever act
like this again, you're barred for life.

I'm gonna miss the excitement,
but I'll handle it.

Three eggs, over easy.

- Two sausage, six bacon, with fries.
- Fries today?

A short stack.
Coffee with cream and sweetener.

You'll die soon with that diet, you know.

We're all gonna die. I will, you will,
and it sure sounds like your son will.

If you ever mention my son again,

you will never be able to eat here again.
Do you understand?

Give me some sign you understand,
or leave now.

Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?

Do you?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay, I'll get your order.

Wear my earrings tonight.

It's just so interesting what you said.
You said it like it was nothing.

I mean, if you...

- Where's the bedroom?
- This is sort of it. I sort of...

I sort of sleep in here.

Don't worry about it.

What?

I don't know.

Grandma. Grandma!

- Maybe you better check.
- What'd you think I was gonna do?

- I'm sorry.
- Mom, Mom, Mom.

I was hearing everything
that you were doing,

so I put these on to give you privacy.

So how was dinner?

- Hey, pal.
- How was your friend?

- Are you okay?
- Not bad.

You got a temperature? Scootch over.

- Where did he take you to eat?
- A nice place.

Carol, I have him.

- One more spit?
- Carol, I said, I have him. He's waiting.

- Go.
- She has me.

- Okay, pal. Give me a hug.
- Carol.

Give me a big hug.

- Carol, I have him.
- I'm okay, Mom. She has me. Go.

Close the curtains.

No, no! You can't. He can't take smoke.

Magic.

God! Well, that'll teach you.
I don't even notice it anymore.

Come here.

- It's a little bit of throw-up.
- "Little bit of throw-up"?

Well, what shall we do?

Shall I write down which train you take,
or should we lay down...?

No, no, no. I'll take a cab.

It's just a little too much reality
for a Friday night.

I promised Simon I'd find him a model.

Carl, take me off the speaker.
These are house seats.

Come on. You could use a break.
Hello? Carl? You there?

- Hello?
- Okay. I just found a model.

- Hey, boys!
- I know this guy. He bought me dinner.

Carl, right?

Hey, what's going on?

- Hey. Hi. Remember?
- I only need one.

You picked me up some time ago.

This is for a portrait.
I need a pretty face.

Portrait?

Come here. I'll give you the address.
It's for tomorrow morning.

- Brad Pitt is the shit.
- Do you read?

Who is it, baby?

Who is that, Verdell? Who is it?

I'm sorry. I told you today.

I was out in the studio and I just...

All right. So it's out here.

- You have great things.
- Gershwin. Great, isn't he?

I make a big deal about picking models,
but Carl is so thorough.

I bet he drove you nuts
checking your résumé.

This is not a nude.

Just kidding around.

So much for love.

And yet another pose.

- What is your previous experience?
- How about that?

I'm running out of ideas here.

- Give me some direction, okay?
- Nothing.

I just watch until something strikes me.
Do anything you think of.

Wait until I say to hold that pose,
then just try to hold it.

No direction.

Okay.

What I do is, I watch.

Ever watch somebody
who doesn't know you're watching them?

An old woman sitting on a bus?
Or kids going to school? Or...?

Somebody just waiting,
and you see this flash come over them.

And you know it has nothing to do
with anything external

because that hasn't changed.

When you see it, they're
just sort of realer and more alive.

You look at someone long enough,
you discover their humanity.

I know exactly what you mean.

Oh, my God. Hold it.

- Hey, look out!
- Excuse me.

- Sorry.
- I got on the third line of dialogue.

And all of a sudden I blanked.
No clue as to what the next line is.

Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Ignores me.

- So he said to me, "Last chance."
- Last chance.

- So I came back in.
- Here she comes to ignore me again.

I messed up
in the exact same line. I know.

- But guess what.
- What?

He cast mel

Just what the world needs.
Another actress.

Okay, okay, okay.

Can't live without me, huh?

I'm finally gonna ask. All right,
what's with the plastic picnic ware?

Are you afraid ours isn't clean?

- You okay?
- Yep.

I see the help. It's a judgment call.

So give yourself a pep talk.

"Must try other people's clean silverware
as part of the fun of dining out."

- What's wrong with your son?
- Yeah. What do you care?

He fights to breathe.
His asthma can shoot off the charts.

He's allergic to dust.

This is New York, so his immune system
bails on him when there's trouble,

SO an ear infect...

- Is this bothering you?
- No.

An ear infection, whatever, sends us
to the ER five, six times a month,

where I get whatever 9-year-old
they just made a doctor.

Nice chatting.

- His name?
- Spencer.

Okay.

Spence.

It's okay. It's okay.
Go on. Come on, come on.

Put on anything you want now.

I might be sort of done here.

I've been coming for two weeks
and all we've done is work. Let's play!

Vincent!

So you're practically finished?

Yeah. There is one more stage.

- Where are you going?
- No place. Just gonna sneak a peek.

- Verdell, you want some chocolate?
- No! He's not allowed.

Wait. I gotta take off. Do you want
to say goodbye or anything?

- Yeah. He's just gotta go. One second.
- No, wait.

I'm gonna look at the painting.

Where are you going? Verdell?

Want some water?
What is the matter with you? Come on.

You want some water?

Simon, wait!

Yo.

Why are you doing this?

No. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

- See, that painting in there...
- What, are you cruising him?

Excuse me.

- Help me!
- Come on, we gotta go!

Let's go. Come on, come on. Come on.

You call 911 and don't leave your name?

That's right. Yes.

- Even a dumb geezer knows...
- Just move on. No one was killed.

- Oh, is he dead?
- Ask him.

- What's wrong with you?
- Don't bark at me. I didn't name you.

We will. And if we can't, we'll come back
and ask you. Again and again.

Hey, you trying
to intimidate me with attitude?

I come from hell. My grandmother's got
more attitude than you.

Go shake down a 7-Eleven
for a day-old wiener.

It's just a matter of time, sir.
There's a painting of one of the guys.

- I've been praying for him since I heard.
- Yeah.

So I'm on my way to the hospital.

- If you could watch the dog for tonight.
- Oh, no, no.

- No?
- No, no.

- No, I'm sorry. No, no, no.
- Okay. Thanks.

Old bitch. Damn dog.

You're taking him! Yes. Yes, you are!

Get the hell out of the way!

You're taking him.
This will even the books.

Wait, wait, wait!

Do you wanna say no to me?

You wanna say no to me?

You wanna say no to me.

I don't wanna say nothing to you.

Because I've never felt this crazy
as I do right now.

I almost want you to say no.

Thanks for looking after him.

Hey! Where you going?

- You can't do this!
- You don't wanna mess with me today!

I can't take a dog.
Nobody's ever been in here before!

Hey, Frank. Frank?

Hey, Frank. Frank!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

You're dead.

We don't have no dog food here.
We don't want no dog food here.

You'll eat what we got. What we eat.

All right.

Don't you do anything!

Where's the trust?

Never, never dogs.

Always look at
The bright side of your life

Always look at
The lighter side of your life

God!

We're halfway through a show
and we haven't sold a single painting.

No, we can't reduce the price
at this stage. We're...

- I'm in a free fall here. Yes?
- We can see him.

Okay, I'll meet you in there.

I will meet you in there, okay?
One minute.

Thank you. No, I'm here.

- How are you doing, great one?
- I haven't looked at myself yet.

I figured I could tell from your reaction.

- That bad?
- Okay, I talked to the doctor and...

Okay, it's not that bad.

The doctors say you'll be
your old self in a couple of weeks.

I mean, the scars might take... Oh, shit!

Oh, Simon.

- Jackie?
- Yes?

Will you hand me a mirror, please?

No.

Wait. I have a smaller one.

So how are things, anyway?

- How is Verdell?
- Your neighbor, Mr. Udall,

taking care of him.

How could you do that?

- He'll hurt him.
- No, no, Simon, I promise.

Not a chance. I own this guy.
Besides, there was nobody else.

I'm always on the move and...

Trust me.

- You are certain my dog is okay?
- Yes, your dog is fine, Simon.

Okay.

Waiting gives the devil time.

Oh, my...

Where'd I go?

- That's your dog?
- No. No, no, no.

What are you doing with a dog?

- Suckered in, set up, pushed around.
- You're not worried he'll be taken?

No, not until now, for Christ sake.

- Sorry.
- I'm gonna sit here.

Hey, puppy.

I love his little face. It's so cute.

I wonder what breed he is.

He's a little dog. If Bryan's not here,
you can bring him in.

How old are you?

To guess by your eyes, I'd say 50.

By your eyes, I'd say you were kind.
So much for eyes.

How old are you?
You brought it up. No, I'm curious.

- Not that you're ugly.
- Easy, pal. I can take the compliment.

But my knees start knocking
when you turn on the charm full blast.

No, but I mean, what's with the dark?

Dawn patrol.

Major dawn patrol.
My son had a full-blown attack.

And this time, for extra fun,
they gave us the wrong antibiotics.

- So I get him home...
- No, no, no!

The dog. It's bacon for the dog.

Last week, I was playing
the piano for him. And he likes it.

So I decide I'm gonna make a little joke.

So you're all set here.

It's a beautiful day
for our walk today. Very nice.

What...?

Hey, hey.

Look at that! Look at him.

I've gotta give you something. I've gotta
give you something real good too.

I'm gonna show it to you. Come on, buddy.

Don't be like me. Don't you be like me.

You stay just the way you are.
You are a perfect man.

I'm gonna take you home
and get you something to eat.

I'd like to be treated like that.

Get you something. Yes!
Let's go home and do some writing.

"He had made the girl happy.
And what a girl.

"You've saved my life, ' she said.

"You'd better make it up to me."

Done. Done!

Yes, I hate the doggie.
Yes, I hate the doggie.

Sixty-two books. Done!

- We have to cut back all expenses.
- He has no medical insurance?

No.

These are the food receipts,
the household expenses.

- Here's one for the dog again.
- I can read it. I got it. Okay.

- And all the laundry.
- Okay, good.

Boy, look at that. He likes it...
He likes it at Chez Melvin.

What are you coming over here for?
I can't cook with a dog near me.

Okay, just sit. Good.

We don't want any company. I'll read you
Emerson. Okay, have it your way.

Hey.

Hey.

How's Verdell doing?

You know, he's a pain in the ass.

Well...

Simon's home.

Can you keep the dog
until he's had a chance to adjust?

Well, it's been weeks and weeks.
A few more won't matter.

No, no. He wants him back right away.
He'll be by tomorrow.

Okay. Okay by me.

Hungry? I'll be right with you, pooch.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four.

Okay.

Okay.

Three...

Mr. Udall?

Some face they left hanging on you.
You look like...

Would you take it just...

a little easy, Mr. Udall?

Thank you.

Verdell.

Come here, my beautiful boy.
Come here. Come here, boy.

Let's go home and get well.

Okay.

You can't blame him for being weird.
Look at yourself in the mirror.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Come on, sweetheart.

Verdell, come here. Come here, boy.

I know what you want.

Come on. Where's my boy?

No, no, don't force him.

Over a dog.

Over an ugly dog.

Worst sidewalk in New York.
Look where they put it.

Hi.

Help!

If you wanna see me,
you'll make an appointment.

Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone
as an obsessive-compulsive disorder

and then act like I had a choice
about barging in?

- No debate. You must leave.
- You said you could help me.

- What was that? A tease?
- I can help if you take responsibility...

- You changed the room around.
- Two years ago.

I also regrew a beard, but you're
not interested in changes in me.

I don't have a mountain of time.
I have to get to my restaurant.

Now, do you know how hard
it was for me to come here?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

No, we're not doing this now.

I changed just one pattern,
as you always said I should.

No. Nope.

- Oh, I read that paper.
- Thank you...

What if this is as good as it gets?

What the heck are those for?

No, no, no. Get Carol.

I'm filling in.
We don't know if she's coming back.

She might be getting a job closer to home.

- Why plastic?
- What are you trying to do to me?

- What the heck do you mean?
- Look, elephant girl.

Just go get Carol or something.
Just have her do my one meal here.

I'll pay whatever you want. I'll wait.

Do it!

- Bryan, Bryan. Code blue. Bryan.
- Oh, no.

Out! Just shut up and get out. Do it!

I'll be quiet. Just let me stay here.
No problem.

Go get Carol. Get her here.

I'm not a prick. You are.
I'm not judging. I'm a great customer.

This day has been a disaster.

- I'm not sure if I can handle this too.
- Get out.

Get out immediately
or there's gonna be trouble.

Man, I mean it.

Fine. Okay.

Yeah!

See you. Goodbye.

It's about time!

- Carol's last name?
- Connelly.

Thank you.

Hey, Dad! Dad, I'm over here.

- Does he visit often?
- Not really. Not anymore.

What can you do?

- Can I get some ice cream, Grandpa?
- Why not? Sure.

Hello there.

Christ.

I'm hungry.

You've ruined my whole day.
I haven't eaten.

- What are you doing here?
- This is not a sexist thing.

- If you were a waiter...
- Are you totally gone? This is my home.

I'm trying to keep emotion out of this,
even though it's an important issue.

- I have strong feelings on the subject.
- What subject?

That I wasn't there to take crap from you?

Do you have any control
over how creepy you get?

Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.

And to prove it,
I have not gotten personal, and you have.

Why aren't you at work? Are you sick?

You don't look sick.

Just tired and bitter.

My son is sick, okay?

What about your mother?

- How do you know about her?
- I hear you talking while I wait.

- Mom, I finished my juice.
- I'm sorry, honey. One sec.

Mom?

How you doing?

You should answer someone
when they speak to you.

I'm sorry, Melvin. I cannot handle
you teaching my son manners.

Back to life.

What's wrong?

Five one-thousand, four one-thousand,

three one-thousand,
two one-thousand... Bingo.

- 104.9.
- We're going on a cab ride.

Look out, you guys! Coming through!

Look out. Look out, you guys.
We're okay. We're okay.

Melvin! Wait!

Melvin! Wait!

Shut up, kids!

Give us a lift, would you?

Cover your mouth when you cough, kid.

- Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital, please.
- Okay.

- Hospital?
- Yes.

- Any chance you'll be back at work today?
- No! Stay away from me. God!

Simon, we can't put this off any longer.
I feel terrible that I have to...

Simon? Simon, could you just leave
the dog for a second?

Sorry.

- What are those cards?
- Frank thought I should have notes.

So I would maintain focus
and try not to terrify you.

See? He's right. I need the cards.

Simon, you're broke.

The medical bills are 61,000 now.
And the show didn't go well.

I've spoken to your parents.
They didn't hang up or anything.

But they'd feel strange calling you.

Well, I can't call them. Come here, baby.

Come here, baby.

Verdell? What's wrong?

You miss the tough guy?

Well, here I am, sweetheart.

Happy to see me, you little mop?
How about a ride down the chute?

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
I did not meant that.

- Simon. Simon.
- I didn't mean that, sweetheart.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'll be able to keep my apartment
and the studio, won't 1?

Oh, my God.

Yes, you make us a lot of money.
But I think it's more appropriate...

Look, look, I need this.

Just say, "Melvin, I'll try." Okay?

Okay?

- Melvin, I'll try.
- Thank you. That's good.

Now, on a pleasanter note,
my son, he just got accepted to Brown.

My husband was dying.

Yeah. Good, nice, thrilled, exciting.
You don't have to wait with me.

I can't resist.

You usually move through here so quickly.

I just have so many questions
I want to ask you.

You have no idea
what your work means to me.

What does it mean to you?

That somebody out there knows
what it's like to be in here.

Oh, God, this is like a nightmare.

Oh, come on. Just a couple of questions.
How hard is that?

- How do you write women so well?
- I think of a man.

And I take away reason and accountability.

"M.D."

What's wrong?

- Mom!
- In here, Mrs. Connelly.

- What?
- Hi.

- Please, what? Just tell me.
- I'm...

- Just tell me.
- I'm Martin Bettes, Dr. Bettes.

- Not your name! Where is he?
- He's in the bathroom.

- What's wrong?
- Hey. Nothing.

Did you know there are doctors
that come to your house?

- No, I didn't.
- I'm home!

- So, what are you doing here?
- Well...

- I didn't know you had an admirer.
- What?

Oh, you met the gift.

He's good. I'm an expert on doctors.

Okay, doctor?

My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher.

I'm to take care of this little guy
because you are needed at work.

What kind of work do you do?

I'm a waitress.

- In Manhattan.
- Dr. Bettes?

Yeah, Terry. Excuse me.

Hi. I'm sorry it took so long.
I don't know Brooklyn.

I couldn't find it either.

Could you get this to the lab?
I need CBC, differential, platelets.

- Okay. Okay.
- And I want it back today.

- I'm sorry. Did you say "today"?
- Sure. Let's sit down.

These are the receipts
from all the prescriptions for the year.

- The calendar.
- And this is a calendar of days.

And how he felt and what he's been eating.

That's good. That's very good.

- How long has he had the problem?
- Since forever. Six months old.

- Okay. Have they done blood tests?
- Yeah.

Only in the ER or when he was well?

- Emergency room only.
- Okay.

- And how about skin testing for allergies?
- No.

- No standard scratch test?
- No, I asked.

They said my plan didn't cover it
and that it wasn't necessary.

- Why? Should they have?
- Well...

- Fucking HMO bastard pieces of shit!
- Carol!

- I'm sorry.
- I think that's their technical name.

So once the tests come back,
is there someone we should talk to?

Me. My home number's on the card.

That's his home number.

- What?
- This is your home...

Can we get you anything else?
Do you want some water or coffee?

No, thank you.

Couple of female slaves?

There's still a lot of tests I need to do.
A lot of things I have to find out here.

But, look, whatever I find out,
I promise you, at the very least,

from now on, your son is gonna feel
a great deal better, okay?

Doc!

Fine. Okay. Okay. That's good.

That's good.

That's...

So let me know about the costs.
One way or another, we'll...

The costs are gonna be considerable,
I'm afraid.

But don't worry.
Mr. Udall wants to be billed.

That's wonderful.

Anyway, dear.
Thank you for everything, Nora.

Forgive my recent crankiness.
I'll call when things get back on track.

- What's wrong?
- Who's gonna walk Verdell?

Oh, no.

No.

- Is he dead yet?
- No.

Would there be any way you would
be willing to walk his dog for him?

Absolutely.

You're a wonderful man.

Two o'clock would be a good time.
Here is the key, in case he's asleep.

Open his curtains for him,
so he can see God's beautiful work.

And he'll know that even things
like this happen for the best.

Where did you learn to talk like this?
In a "Sailor, wanna hump-hump" bar?

Or is this getaway day
and your last shot at his whiskey?

Sell crazy someplace else.
We're all stocked up here.

No, no, no! A goofy man is behind this.
You can't block out that man.

Do you really want to go back
to emergency, where they can't help?

- This lets a crazy man into our lives.
- Let's not fight.

Come on!

You know how this will turn out.

This is not like a string of pearls.
You don't send this one back.

Right?

No. I do, I understand.
All right, listen, I gotta go, okay?

No.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

What a day. Come here, come here.

Maybe I'll bring him some food by.

Thank you for walking him.

Excuse me, I'm not feeling well.

Hey, this place smells like shit.

Go away.

- This cleaning lady doesn't...?
- Please, just leave!

What happened to your queer party friends?

Get out of here!

Nothing worse than having
to feel this way in front of you.

Nelly, you're a disgrace to depression.

- Rot in hell, Melvin.
- No need to stop being a lady.

Quit worrying.

You'll be back on your knees in no time.

Is this fun for you?

It keeps getting better and better.
I'm losing my apartment, Melvin.

Frank wants me to beg my parents,
who haven't called me, for help.

And I won't.
And I don't wanna paint anymore.

So the life that I was trying for is over.

The life that I had is gone,
and I'm feeling sorry for myself,

that it's difficult to breathe.

It's high times for you, isn't it?
The gay neighbor is terrified.

Terrified!

I was just trying to give you a boost.

Lucky you. You're here for rock bottom.

You absolute horror of a human being.

The one thing I'll do for you...
I... Might cheer you up.

Get out.

You wanna know why
the dog prefers me? It's not affection.

It's a trick.

I keep bacon in my pocket.

See?

Oh, my gosh.

We'll both call him.
You'll see. It's a trick.

Okay?

Come here, Verdell. Come here.

Come on.

- Come here. Come here, baby.
- No.

It's okay. Come here.

Just a stupid dog.

Could you leave now?

Please?

I don't get it. I don't get it.

Taxi!

With Nick at Nite's "Classic TV Rewind."

On repeat viewing, one begins
to suspect that might not really be

Major Healey in the phone booth.

Mr. Udall!

- Carol the waitress?
- Yes.

Hi.

The doctors gave me your address.
I'm sorry about the hour.

If you're...

If you're worried about thanking me...

That's not why I'm here.

Though it's nice to talk
to a real doctor about Spencer.

Note. Put it in a note.

I have...

- I have a hair dryer.
- Why did you do this for me?

So you'd come back to work and wait on me.

Do have some idea how strange that sounds?

I'm worried you did this...

Are you waiting for me to say something?

Look...

I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.

I don't think this can wait.
I need to clear this up now.

Clear what up?

I'm not going to sleep with you.
I will never sleep with you. Never, ever.

Not ever!

Well, I'm sorry, but...

we don't open
for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.

I'm not kidding.

Anything else?

I just...

Thank you.

So you'll be at work tomorrow?

Yes.

"Never," she said. "Never," she says.

Took a chance you were up.

I brought you some Chinese soup.

Thanks.

Boy.

Never been this tired in my life.

I haven't been sleeping.

I haven't been clear in my head
or felt like myself.

I'm in trouble.

It's not just the tiredness.

- Boy.
- It's sick. Nauseous.

Sleepy.

Where everything looks distorted
and everything inside aches.

And you can barely find
the will to complain.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm glad we did this.

Good talking to you.

- Still writing that thank-you note?
- Last page. How do you spell "conscience"?

C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.

Look, I got Sean from the bakery
to babysit, so we could go out.

I don't feel safe leaving Spencer
with someone. Spell it again?

Spencer's okay. Better start finding
something to do with your free time.

- Sean, are you hungry?
- Yeah.

All right.

We got pizza. Carol and I are going out.

Sausage, pepperoni.
You wanna make this later?

We are going out, like people do.

If you can't feel good about this break
and step out a little,

then I think you ought to have
Mr. Udall send you over a psychiatrist.

I don't need one!
I know what's going on here.

I gotta finish this letter or go nuts.
This can't be right. "Con science"?

Carol.

What?

It's very weird not feeling that...

stupid panic thing inside me all the time.

Without that,
I just start thinking about myself.

And what good does that ever get anybody?

Today on the bus,
there was this adorable couple.

And I felt myself...

giving them a dirty look.

I just had no... idea.

Everything was...

Go ahead.

Moving in the wrong direction.

Away from a time when I remembered
what it was like to have a man

to anything, hold fucking...

- Sorry.
- No, it's okay.

Hands with, for Christ sake.

And I felt almost really bad
that Dr. Bettes is married.

Which is probably why I make
Spence hug me more than he wants to.

Poor kid has to make up
for his mom not getting any.

Who needs these thoughts?

So, what are you saying,
that you're frustrated?

Leave me be. Why are you doing this?
What is it you want?

Does getting me thinking about
all that's wrong have some purpose?

Really, Mom, what is it you want?

- What?!
- I want us to go out.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- Now I'll send you a thank-you note.

Oh, look. Evelyn's here.
And her giant, Joey!

Emily!

That's really why you brought me here?

That's really why you brought me here?

Well, you know, it's not even mine.
Simon has enough on his mind.

But the dog did throw up twice last night.
His spark is off.

- Take him to the vet.
- I did. His stomach's out of whack.

- They need him for a couple of days.
- Well, do it! What...?

- Sorry.
- Excuse me.

- This is for later.
- What's this?

- It's a note.
- A note?

- Yeah, it's a thank-you note.
- A thank-you note? No, no.

- You can read it later.
- No. No, thank you.

No. No thank-you note. No, no, no.

Thank you. Thank you.

She's nice.

- Yeah. Really nice.
- Real nice, huh?

Shouldn't that be a good thing,
saying, "No thanks required"?

Sure looks like it went over too.

I mean, look at you.

You're sure making the rounds.
Simon says you brought him soup.

- What?
- You think I'm a mark.

You helped with the dog,
now there's other things.

Hey, I'm as concerned
about Simon as you are.

- Concerned? Hey.
- It's not just financial assistance.

He's gotta get to Baltimore
to ask his parents for money tomorrow.

Yeah, well, if his parents are alive,
they have to help. It's the rules.

- Good. That's great. Let them help him.
- Absolutely.

Only...

I got a selling painter coming through,
so I'm out.

Can you drive him?

Think white and get serious!

Take my car? A convertible.

- Do you drive?
- Like the wind. But I'm not doing it!

Getting loud. Getting loud.

He wants me to take his car
and his client to Baltimore.

I want your life for one minute
where my big problem is

somebody offers me a free convertible,
so I can get out of this city.

- Go ahead, girl.
- Okay. I'll do it.

I'll take him. Get him ready, packed.
Tomorrow morning, I'll take him. Okay.

- I'll take him. Fine. Okay.
- Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Let's not drag this out.

We don't enjoy one another that much.

If there is some mental health foundation
that raises money for people like you,

please, be sure let me know.

- Last-word freak.
- Bye-bye.

Good luck, lady.

- So anything else?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna give my queer neighbor
a lift to Baltimore.

- Okay.
- Hey.

What I did for you, it's working out?

What you did changed my life.

No.

No thank-you note.

Well, part of what I said
in this entire history of my life

that you won't read...

is that somehow you have done more
for my mother, my son and me

than anybody else ever has.

I'm just gonna read you this part of it.

"That makes you the most generous person
I ever met in my life.

And you're gonna be in our prayers,
our daily prayers, forever."

Lovely.

I also wrote one part...
I'm just gonna say I wrote, "I'm sorry."

I was talking about how I was sorry
when I got mad at you for...

When you told my son
that he ought to answer back.

So I wrote that I was sorry about that
and that I...

I wrote I was sorry
for busting you on that

and for busting in on you that night

when I said I was never...

I was sorry. I'm sorry for every time
your food was cold and you had to wait.

And I'm sorry for never spotting
right there in the restaurant

the human being
that did this thing for us.

I'll just start from the beginning.

"I have not been able to express
my gratefulness to you.

The word 'grateful' doesn't begin
to tell you what I feel."

That's nice of you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Now I want you to do something for me.

I'm sorry. Didn't I say, "What?"
I thought I said what.

- What?
- I want you to go on this trip.

- No, sir.
- I can't do this without you.

I'm afraid he might pull
the stiff one-eye on me.

I need you to chaperone.
Separate everything but cars.

You said you liked convertibles.
Now I'm on the hook.

- I'm sorry. The stiff one-eye?
- Two days.

- I can't, I work.
- You get off when you want to.

- My son.
- Bettes said he's doing fine.

- Melvin, I'd rather not.
- What has that got to do with it?

- Funny, I thought it was a strong point.
- Write a note. Ain't she sweet?

- I need a hand and where'd she go?
- Accepting your help obligates me?

Is there any other way to see it?

No.

Here's a little suitcase.
Shocked that it's being used.

There's no way to pack for this trip.

Hello.

- You're still coming, aren't you?
- Yes.

Melvin, exactly where are we going?

Just south of Baltimore, Maryland.
I know what you're gonna say.

I mean, I... I think I know.

- I'm not sure, but I think so.
- Should I bring something dressy?

Will we be eating in restaurants
that have dress codes?

Well, I...

I mean, maybe.

- Yes, yes. Let's. Let's.
- Okay. Got you.

- What did you think I'd ask?
- Whether crabs were in season now.

Okay, then. Good night.

Anything unusual in the dog's diet?

No.

- Everybody gets their own cage?
- Certainly.

Put him in with that one. Not that one.

- Builds his confidence, huh?
- Okay.

Lip kiss.

I love you. I'll miss you.

Hey! Real sensitive.

- Bye.
- Call me when you get settled.

- Don't worry, Mom. Have a good time.
- Don't run!

- Have fun, don't worry.
- Don't run. Have fun, but don't run.

Grandma will take care of me. Bye!

- Sorry I'm not taking you myself.
- So am I, Frank.

Give me a hug.

- Everything's gonna be okay. All right?
- Yeah.

Soak it up. It's your last chance
for a hug for a few days.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Thank you for being on time.

Hi.

Carol the waitress. Simon the fag.

Hello.

Holy God. Who did that to you?

I was attacked.
I walked in on some men robbing me.

And I was hospitalized.

- I almost died.
- Let's do the small talk in the car.

Let's go.

- I was gonna do that for you.
- Where should we sit?

- L1... Well, there's no place cards.
- Look like you need room.

So I'll sit in the back.

Never a break. Never.

Thank you. That was very thoughtful.

- You look like you're crowded.
- It's all right.

Thanks.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I've got the whole trip programmed.

I'm just kidding.
I wanted to see what you'd do.

No.

Seriously.

We got good stuff here.

I like this music.

I like this music.

Yes, I'm sure, Simon, they did something
really off for you to feel this way.

But when it comes
to your parents or your kid,

something will always be off for you
unless you set it straight.

And maybe this thing happened to you
just to give you a chance to do that.

Nonsense. And you want to know why?

Anybody here who's interested in
what Melvin has to say, raise their hand.

You wanna know
what happened with my parents?

Yes.

- When I was a kid...
- Wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna pull over.

Well, I always painted.
And my mother always encouraged me.

I mean, she was really
sort of fabulous about it, actually.

She used to... I was too young to think
that there was anything wrong with it.

And she was very natural.

So she used to pose nude for me.

And I always thought
that my father knew about it.

- This stuff is pointless.
- Hey! Let him finish.

You like sad stories? You wanna hear mine?

Stop!

Go ahead, really.
Please don't let him stop you.

One day, he walked in and he found us.
And he just started screaming.

My father didn't come out
of his room for 11 years.

He used to hit me with a yardstick
if I made a mistake on the piano.

Go ahead, Simon.
So he came in and he was yelling?

Please, come on.

He was...

- Come on.
- Yeah, I was defending my mother.

And I was trying to, you know,
make peace in the lamest way.

I said, "She's not naked. It's art."

And he started hitting me.

And he beat me unconscious.

And he talked to me less and less.
I mean, he knew what I was before I did.

And the morning that I left for college,
he walked into my room.

And he held out his hand.
And it was filled with money.

A big, sweaty wad of money.

And he said,
"I don't want you to ever come back."

And I just grabbed him and I hugged him.

And he turned and walked out.

Hey, we all have these terrible stories
to get over and you...

It's not true.

Some of us have great stories,
pretty stories.

That take place at lakes with boats
and friends and noodle salad.

Just no one in this car.
But a lot of people, that's their story.

Good times, noodle salad.

What makes it so hard is not
that you had it bad,

but that you're that pissed
that so many others had it good.

- No! I don't think so.
- Not it at all, really.

Not it at all?

Okay. Let's go to the hotel.

And you'll see if you can get another wad
of sweaty money out of his hand.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Sure.

You ever get an erection over a woman?

- Melvin...
- Wouldn't your life be easier if you...?

You consider your life easy?

All right. I give you that one.

Nice packing.

- Hi.
- Hey, Spence.

Hey, Mom. Wait till you hear...

- Why are you out of breath?
- Mom, I scored a goal.

- You did?
- Yep. He was big. Charlie. You know.

- That's great. Oh, my God! Right?
- Yeah, amazing.

- Mom, we're playing again. Gotta go.
- Wait. Just tell me...

- He scored a goal.
- Mom, I don't believe it.

Oh, you would have died.

My son was outside playing soccer.

- Come on, take me out dancing.
- Dancing?

- I can't. I'm exhausted.
- Oh, come on.

- No.
- Please, come on. Oh, come on.

No.

- All right. All right. You're right.
- Yeah.

- Are you sad or something?
- No, no, no. I'm nervous.

It would be very rough, Carol,
if you weren't along.

What a nice compliment.

I'm happy.

And you're my date.

Let's get dressed.

I'm gonna jump in the shower.
I'll be right with you.

Okay!

- All set?
- Yeah.

- Do you sell hard-shell crabs?
- Yes.

- Do they sell hard-shells? Do they?
- Yes.

- Do they sell hard-shells?
- Yes.

Thank you.

- Good evening.
- Hi.

- You have hard-shells, right?
- Stop asking everyone.

Just him, that's all.

- Okay, you can answer.
- Yes, we do.

- I can give you a tie and jacket.
- What?

They require a tie and jacket.
But we have some available.

Sir?

No. I'm not putting that on.

And I won't let you inject me
with the plague either.

It's a nice place. You dry-clean these
all the time, don't you?

I don't think so.

Well, you just... wait here.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Good evening.

- I need a coat and tie.
- Come on in.

No.

- No?
- That one.

- This one?
- That one. And this tie.

Excuse me.

She's here. We saved a table for you.

Oh, thanks.

- Should I get her for you?
- Nah, that's all right. I'll just watch.

- Can I buy you a drink?
- No, this is plenty. No, thank you.

Ma'am.

Oh, wait.

The maitre d' is following me.

You look so se...

You look great.

You look great.

You wanna dance?

I've been thinking about that
since you brought it up before.

- And?
- No.

I don't get this place.

They make me buy a new outfit
and they let you in in a house dress.

I don't get it.

What? No. Wait. Why? Where are you going?

Why?

I didn't mean it that way.
I mean... You got to sit down.

Give me the dirty look.
Just sit down and give it to me.

Pay me a compliment, Melvin.

I need one. Quick.

You have no idea how much
what you just said hurt my feelings.

The minute someone gets that
they need you, they threaten to walk out.

A compliment is something nice
about somebody else.

- Now or never.
- Okay.

And mean it.

Can we order first?

Okay.

Two hard-shell crab dinners.
Pitcher of ice-cold beer.

- Baked or fries?
- Fries.

- Fries.
- One baked, one fried.

I'll tell your waiter!

Not our waiter.

Okay, now,
I got a great compliment for you.

And it's true.

I'm so afraid it's something awful.

Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style.

Okay. Here I go.

Clearly a mistake.

I've got this... What? Ailment.

My doctor,
a shrink I used to go to all the time,

he says that in 50 or 60% of the cases,
a pill really helps.

I hate pills. Very dangerous thing, pills.

Hate. I'm using
the word "hate" here about pills. Hate.

My compliment is, that night you came
over and told me you would never...

All right, well, you were there,
you know what you said.

Well, my compliment to you is...

the next morning,
I started taking the pills.

I don't get how
that's a compliment for me.

You make me want to be a better man.

That's maybe
the best compliment of my life.

Well, maybe I overshot a little
to keep you from walking out.

How's it going with those pills?

Good, I hope, I hope, I hope.

Well, it's...

It's little by little.

It's exhausting talking like this.
Exhausting.

Do you ever let a romantic moment
make you do something stupid?

Never.

Here's the trouble with never.

- You don't owe me that.
- That wasn't payment.

When I first saw you,
I thought you were handsome.

Then, of course, you spoke.

So now that your...

soft, little underbelly is all exposed...

tell me, why did you bring me here?

Well, I... It's a...

- That's a personal question. I...
- Tell me, even if you're scared.

- Scared?
- Tell me why you wanted me here.

It's okay. If you ask me, I'll say yes.

Well, I...

There's a lot of reasons.

I thought, one thought, maybe,
if you had sex with Simon,

- maybe...
- What?

- That's just one idea.
- That's why you brought me?

Like I'm a, what? And I owe you what?

I don't know why I brought you.
It was just one thought that I had.

It came out first.
That's all there was to it.

I thought, you kiss him, me,
when you two seemed to hit it off.

No, wait. I didn't mean...
Forget what I said about Simon.

- I'll never forget it.
- It's a mistake.

It was a mistake.

- Hello, this is Fred Bishop.
- And Terry.

We're unable to take your call now.

- Please leave a message. Goodbye.
- Say goodbye. And thank you.

It's Simon.

I'm in town.

Hello?

Folks, you've never been out later than
10:00 in your lives. Pick up the phone.

Really.

I'm gonna try you in the morning.
I need to see you.

Or at least get you to answer the phone.

How are you?

- Is this gonna be your room?
- Our room. I don't want to see him.

- And he won't come knocking on your door.
- What happened?

Don't ask.

- Can you not be so violent?
- I don't think so.

- Do you need help with...?
- No.

I'm taking a big bath
and ordering a big meal.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Don't ask. I'm tired of my complaints.
I gotta get some new thoughts.

- Why? What are you thinking about?
- How to die, mostly.

Can you believe, in our little mix,
you're the good roommate?

- Good night.
- Good night.

Hold it.

I have to draw you.

- I have to draw you.
- No, no, no. Absolutely not.

- I'm a lot more shy than people think.
- I have to.

- I haven't sketched in weeks.
- Stop staring. Do a vase.

But you're beautiful, Carol.
Your skin, your long neck.

The back. The line of you.

You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.

Cut me a break.

The next thing I know,
she's sitting right there next to me.

Well, it's not right to go into details.
I got nervous.

I screwed up, I said the wrong thing.

Where, if I hadn't,

I could be in bed right now
with a woman who...

if you make her laugh, you got a life.

Instead, I'm here with you.

No offense, but a moron pushing
the last legal drug.

Jameson, soda back.

Sorry. I don't care how you put this.
We're being naughty here, pal.

No, no, this is...
This is great. This is so great.

I swear to God,
my hand won't even keep up. Hold it.

- I'm just turning.
- Hold that. Hold any of them.

- Okay, this?
- It doesn't matter.

My hand's not even bothering me.

I can't... I just...

I can't get the angle with this cast.

Careful.

I'm coming in. It's late.

- Did you have sex with her?
- Don't you want your shampoos?

Sorry.

I didn't know she was still here.
Did you have sex with her?

To hell with sex! It was better than sex.
We held each other.

What I need, he gave me great.
I'll get dressed in a hurry.

Just love her.

How you doing?

- Hello?
- Mom? Hi.

Hello, Simon.

- You were right. We were home.
- Do you have to whisper?

- I'm not a screamer.
- It was lucky you didn't answer.

- Your father is not feeling well.
- I can't hear you.

It was too late to start
with the whole thing. Hold on.

For what? What do you gotta do?
Where you going?

- I get why you're angry with me, but...
- He's talking to his parents.

Then you listen to me.
Truly, no grudges. Okay? Truly.

It was odd that you didn't come and see me
when you heard that I was hurt.

- We almost did.
- I don't want to talk about it.

The important thing is
that your son is happy.

You do sound different.

- Yes, I'm working again.
- Good. About money...

No, I don't need anything.
I'll drop you a line from wherever I land.

It's up to you to make the next move.
And I hope that you do.

He's gonna wanna stay. And they'll
take a ride to the lake or whatever.

You know...

- Okay, bye-bye.
- Goodbye, dear.

Bye, Mom.

We'll probably have a five-hour drive.
It'll give us a chance

- to relax...
- So?

- I'm coming with you.
- What about your parents?

- No, no, no. I'll take care of myself.
- What are you talking about?

- You've got real problems.
- I know. I'm a little bit nervous.

Suddenly everything seems so easy.

Carol, a load has been lifted.

- One night with me.
- You think you're kidding.

- No choice.
- I got a gift for you!

Nothing like no choice
to make you feel at home.

Let me see.

- Gorgeous.
- Do it.

And get the dog picked up.
I can't believe you let it stay there.

Goodbye.

Your luck's running.

They sub-let your place. You're homeless.

- Frank's got a line on another place.
- Another place where?

Does it matter?

No, it doesn't.

I'm fine. Like the hat?

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

- I don't wanna hear that music now.
- You said you liked it.

I don't.

- This one has a meaning.
- It's your car, but I don't wanna hear it.

If that means anything.

Yes, sir. All right.

Here's the keys to my apartment.

You go up there and wait,
and I'll take Carol home. Wait...

- I'll take a bus.
- No, no, I'll take you.

Can you come here?

- I don't care what you did for me.
- What's wrong?

I don't think I want to know you anymore.

All you do is make me
feel bad about myself.

You have my number.

- Let him take you home.
- Don't want to.

- I love you.
- Love you too.

Don't say anything.

I gotta get a hold of Frank
and see where I'm hanging my hat.

Well...

I think you're gonna have to camp it here.

- What are you talking about?
- Look, there's Verdell!

- Come here.
- Look at you.

Mommy and Daddy are home.

Sorry. You're just fun to mess with.

They rented your place furnished.
Jackie said she'd bring your things.

They were gonna set you up in here.
It's an extra room. I never use it.

- It's got good light. No other choice.
- I'm coming, I'm coming.

Nice. It's... Looks good.

They got your music,

paintings, paints.

Have to say, they did a good job.

It's...

No. It's gonna be okay, huh?

- Cozy, huh?
- Yeah.

Thank you, Melvin.

You overwhelm me.

I love you.

I tell you, buddy,

I'd be the luckiest guy alive
if that did it for me.

Well, it's...

Make yourself at home.

Anything else in the bag?

But I was playing soccer
while you were away.

I know.

I love my cookbook.

It's great. It's got wonderful recipes.
It says something with a shark.

Never fixed shark before. Shark
with a bite. Would you like that, Spencer?

- No.
- Some cookies here called Wasps' Nests.

Where is my big, hairy boy?

Where is he? Where is my beautiful boy?

Sweetheart!

- You're in bed.
- No, no. No.

Yeah...

I just didn't think Verdell should get
too comfortable sleeping here.

Well, look, the dog's already comfortable.

Is this okay?

Hello. Hi, it's me. Hi.

Yes! He took me in.
Yes. It's Carol for you.

- Yeah, Jackie brought my stuff and...
- Just take the dog.

- Take the dog.
- Gotta go.

- Just take the dog.
- Oh, come here.

That's right. Take him. All right.

- Come on. Move fast. Don't limp.
- Good luck.

Hello?

Yeah.

- How you doing?
- Not so hot.

Why? What's wrong?

Was I sensible or hard on you?

- Maybe both. Maybe.
- Are you being cute or crazy now?

- Cute.
- You don't have to answer everything!

Just listen to me, okay? Listen to me.

It's really something
that you're looking after Simon.

And what I said on the street...

That was a bad thing to say.

It made me sick to my stomach.
It was a bad thing to say.

And I'd be lying
if I didn't say I enjoy your company.

But the truth is,
you do bother me enormously.

And I know that it...
Think that it's better for me

to not have contact with you
because you're not ready.

You're a pretty old guy to not be ready.
And I'm too old to ignore that.

But there were extraordinary kindnesses
that did take place.

So anyway, thanks for the trip.

- Good night. Good night.
- Okay if I say something now?

Go ahead.

I should have danced with you.

Good night.

Good night.

- Are you gonna talk to me or not?!
- I'm coming.

- What'd she say?
- That I'm a great guy.

Extraordinary.

And she doesn't want contact with me.

I'm dying here.

Because... you love her.

No.

And you people are supposed
to be sensitive and sharp?

Then you tell me why.
You're the one who's "dying here."

- I don't know. Let me sleep on it.
- Oh, come on.

- I'll figure it out.
- Oh, please.

It's...

I'm stuck.
I can't get back to my old life.

- She's evicted me from my life.
- Did you really like it that much?

Well, it's better than this.

Look, you, I'm very intelligent.

If you're gonna give me hope,
you gotta do better than you're doing.

If you can't be mildly interesting,
then shut the hell up.

I mean, I'm drowning here!
And you're describing the water.

Picking on me won't help.

If that's true, I'm really in trouble.

But, Melvin, do you know
where you're lucky?

You know who you want.

I would take your seat any day.
So do something. Go over there.

Now. Tonight. It's not always good
to let things calm down.

You can do this, Melvin.

You can do this. You can.

Pull the stops,
tell her how you feel, you can do this.

- Hey, I'm charged.
- Yes, you are.

She might kill me if I go there.

Then get in your jammies
and I'll read you a story.

I think you have a chance here.

The best thing going for you is
your willingness to humiliate yourself.

So go over there.
Do this. Catch her off guard.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Thanks a lot.
- Okay.

Here I go.

What's wrong?

I forgot to lock the door.

- What do you want, Melvin?
- I'm sorry I woke you up.

I wasn't asleep.

What a break.

Is it a secret what you're doing here?

I had to see you.

Because?

It relaxes me.

I'd feel better sitting outside
your apartment on the curb

than any other place
I can think of or imagine.

No, no, no, wait. That's overstating.

I'd rather be sitting inside,
'cause I don't get my feet in the gutter.

Stop it! Why can't I just have
a normal boyfriend? Why?

Just a regular boyfriend
who doesn't go nuts on me.

Everybody wants that, dear.
It doesn't exist.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Boyfriend.

Come on in and try not
to ruin everything by being you.

Maybe we could live
without the wisecracks?

Maybe we could.

It feels a little confined in here.
Let's take a walk.

It's 4 in the morning.
A walk sounds a little screwy to me.

- If you don't mind.
- Well, if you need an excuse,

there's a bakery on the corner
that'll be open soon.

That way we're not screwy,
just two people that like warm rolls.

Okay.

What are you doing?

I still want you
to hear part of that car song.

You don't have to...

And, darling, I'm never lonely

Whenever you're in sight

Thank you.

You know, I was h...

I'm sorry. Whatever this is
is not gonna work.

- I've been...
- What?

I'm feeling better, Carol.

Even though it may seem that way now,
you don't know me all that well.

- I'm not the answer for you.
- Hey.

- I've got a great compliment for you.
- You know what?

Just let me talk.

Just...

I might be the only person
on the face of the earth

that knows
you're the greatest woman on earth.

I might be the only one
who appreciates how amazing you are

in every single thing that you do.

And how you are with Spencer. Spence.

And in every single thought you have.
And how you say what you mean.

And how you almost always
mean something

that's all about being straight and good.

And I think
most people miss that about you.

I wonder how they can watch you bring
their food and clear their tables,

and never get that they just met
the greatest woman alive.

And the fact that I get it
makes me feel good...

about me.

Is that something
that it's bad for you to be around?

For you?

No.

Gonna grab you.

I didn't mean for that to be a question.
I'm gonna grab you.

I know I can do better than that.

Better. Definitely better.

See?

- Want something?
- Warm rolls.

- Excuse us.
- Excuse us.