All language subtitles for The.Condo.2015.1080p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AM] en

I'm so sorry, Kate. I didn't
mean for any of this to happen.

Let's see how much
sympathy you get

from two dead mistresses.

- Whoa!
- Oh, shit!

Whoa! Freeze!

Everyone on your knees!

Hands behind your head.

No, it's crazy.
It was crazy. It was crazy.

Since I been here,
we had a lot of laughs.

We had a lot of good times
and everything,

so I feel like I know you now,

I feel like I can...
I can be free with you.

Can I talk to you for a second?

I gotta ask my permission
to the black ladies,

'cause you know y'all don't
let anything just happen.

So is it okay for me
to just talk to you?

All right, okay, all right.
So y'all not gonna judge me?

I don't mind your open opinion,

but you're not gonna
judge me, are you?

Can't promise that.

Can't promise that.
I gotta respect that, all right.

Sorry we're a little early.

I thought I said 3 pm.

No, you said 12 pm.

What... what... what is that?

Oh, uh, that's not what
it seems like.

Rappers used to live here.

They had some type
of music video.

You know how they are.
Equality entertainment.

E40 and them. It's all good.

Man, no, man. This...
This look like a homicide.

Oh, no, this... you know how
them rappers are, man.

You're a brotha. What's up, man?

Listen, please. Just follow me
and let me show you the pool.

Let me... come on.

Hey! Hey!

- What's your name again?
- Julissa.

You're selfish.
Tell me about your girls.

Where your girls at? - They couldn't
make it, but I'm here to serve.

Yeah, well, can you serve me
some vodka in this lemonade?

- Hurry back, sexy.
- Yeah, she is sexy.

So, d, why can't you
sell this place, man?

This is the living room.

You have two golden
Roman statues,

antique furniture
from the 1940s.

This was built in the 1960s.
Great bargain.

Does this place look familiar, honey?
I'm googling it right now.

Yo, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

It's not what it looks like.

And you know what...

The party's over, kids.

Who the hell are you?

Know what? Let me show
you guys the backyard.

Wait a minute!
They just gangsta rappers!

Man, long story.

Okay, I don't know what that means.

Yo, yo, what's up?
Yeah, yeah. This is j-man.

Hey, what's up, baby doll?

Yeah, my bro told me
about your sexy self.

- Duke! Duke!
- Yeah, what's up, honey?

Don't forget to pick up my dress
at the dry cleaners.

You're not working today. You
can pick it up. Excuse me?

I have appointments.
I have my manicure, pedicure,

and my facial, and that's all
in my morning schedule.

- Then I have my hair treatment.
- All right, I'll pick it up.

- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah, I just remembered.

We're gonna have poker
at the house this week, okay?

With the fellas.
That's okay, right?

Uh-uh. No. No way.

I told you the last time
was the I-a-s-t time.

You tell your homeboys to go
find another place to trash.

Come on, baby, be reasonable, please.
I mean, this is how it works.

It's my turn now.

I tell you how it works, sugar.

I watch "sex in the city"
reruns in the living room,

and they'll be no card game
going on in the kitchen.

Besides, why don't you use that
mansion you're never gonna sell?

All right. I see how it is.

I'm up for the challenge.

Nice day for a walk.

Yeah, now it's home
and into my jacuzzi.

You know what? I think I may have
my swimming trunks in the car.

Rule number one, no swim
trunks allowed in my jacuzzi.

I promise not to break
any of those rules.

Rule number two,
no wives allowed in my jacuzzi.

I totally understand.

You know what?
Johnny "j-man" Johnson?

Record producer?
That's my twin brother.

He gives you any trouble,
you give me a call.

- He's single.
- Okay.

And here's number two.

Emerson Duke Johnson.

Author, historian, realtor.

Yes, that would be me.

What are you today? Realtor.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, maybe I'll give
your brother a call.

- All right.
- It's nice to meet you, Duke.

As well.

He said if I can
get you to giggle,

I can probably get you in bed.

1s that true?

A little bit.
Well, I'm busy right now.

I'm in the studio
laying down some tracks.

- Cool.
- Yeah. By the way, do you sing?

Yeah. "Cause I would love

to lay down
some tracks with you.

I bet you would.
All right. Tomorrow.

Cool. Peace.

See ya, bye. All right.

- "J-man?"
- J-man.

What kind of session
are you talking about?

It's very simple, Tom.
J-man's kind of like my...

How can I say this?

My alter ego.

Alter ego? Alter ego?

Yeah, guys, like somebody's
secondary personality,

- or an intimate trusted friend.
- We know what it means, Tom.

You know what? I kind of,
like, made up j-man.

But you got to realize
that my spirit is pure,

but my flesh is so weak.

Ah, okay, okay,
you're a sly dog.

If I ever caught you
in bed with another man,

I would cut off your dick and hang it
on the restroom of the bus station.

No worries, lover.

What if Letitia finds out?

Let's see.

Public park?

Check.

We're almost halfway
through the list.

You have been such a sport
accommodating my fetish.

I wanna give you a special gift.

They're beautiful!

As are you.

Oh, good. You thought
of another location?

Yes. Your place.

You might wanna be cremated, because there
won't be enough remains left to bury.

Yo, d this girl is that fine?
She's that hot?

Do black men
hang like elephants?

She is hot.

There's actually two species
of elephants. What?

- What's her name?
- Her name is Sunday.

- You gonna take her to church?
- No. It's not about where I take her,

it's about where we end up.

Her rule is no swimsuits
in the jacuzzi.

- Well, why don't you just take her here?
- Hmm.

Wait a minute, j-man.

Would you possibly consider

subletting to me
and my alter ego?

You know what, gentlemen?
Let's make a deal.

Let's make this mansion
bring us peace, love,

joy, happiness,
whatever we want.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
from Monday through Sunday.

That's right. All for one...

- And one for all.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

- What about me?
- Oh, I got you. Don't worry about them.

- And I got your back, baby.
- No, you don't. I got it.

- We'll see, Ron d.
- I got it covered all the way around.

Where's she sitting?
She's sitting right here.

Yeah, she's working
for you right now.

All right, brother.
“Who's got her front?

In my real life right now,

I'm involved in... in an affair.

I'm having an affair
with another woman on my wife.

See? There y'all go judge...
See those looks on them faces?

You said you weren't
gonna judge me.

See that?
See how black folk are?

You think you can trust "em,

and they just stab you
the in back.

This dude is offering the lilies

of Serenity to his people, yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

To me, the lips
represent a vagina.

For real? Wow.

Oh, come on.
How can you look at this

and not see a vagina
right in her face.

Well, yeah, you know what?

I can see that now.
Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, to me this piece
represents sexual freedom

- and purity.
- Mmm.

How about I get us
some stronger drinks

and we can meet out
by the jacuzzi?

I like that. Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

I'm up for the challenge.

Yeah, I can see that.

Yeah, this girl Sunday
is off the hook.

This is what I'm talking about.

- What are you doing?
- Hey, uh, I thought...

All that talk about the lilies
kind of inspired me.

I thought we was on
the same page.

Um, no, I thought
we were gonna have a drink

before you took me to dinner.

Oh, all right, well, um, okay.

Well, actually, I'm kinda naked.

Yes, you are.

- I thought that was your rule.
- How did you know that?

- Well, uh, you know...
- Oh, I see.

- Twins talk.
- Yeah, yeah.

- We're always talking. We talk too much.
- Mm-hmm.

Smart, yes. Yeah.

Well, I'm really hungry,
so if you wanna...

All right.

Are you just gonna stand there?

You don't mind, do you?

Well.

Hello? - Hey, how's it going?

Is Tuesday there?

Tuesday? Uh, no. She's not here.

Well, she
gave me this number though.

Well, she gave you a bad number.

She sounds just like you.

That's not my problem.

- You ready?
- Yes, I am.

You bastard.

Showing a mansion?

He must think
I'm some dumb, blonde,

trailer park white trash.

Not.

Going out for a little while.

This is really an amazing
moment of introspection.

Dr. Jenkins, after 30 years... -

oh, that's my emergency
ring tone.

Hold that thought.

He's with a woman! Why a woman?

- Is this an emergency?
- Absolutely. My life is crumbling.

I don't know what to do.

Okay, okay. Listen, it's
hard for me to ascertain

why he's with a woman without
me actually talking to him.

You sure he can't come in
for a couple sessions?

Not a chance.

Well, I'm just gonna
have to speculate.

Maybe Juan is experimenting.

Maybe he wants some variety
in his life.

Does he need that much variety?

Are you mad
that he's cheating on you,

or that he's cheating
with a woman?

I can hold my own against a man,

but how do I compete
with a pair of tits

and a complexion as smooth
as a baby's butt?

I hear that. Well, we gotta
break it down systematically.

If Juan is experimenting,
give him something different.

Give him a different look.
Something exciting.

Besides a sex change operation?

That's the last resort.

No, maybe you can change your look.
Change your attire.

Give him a whole different
persona when you make love.

Got it. Thank you, Dr. Jenkins.

Sure, you bet.

I apologize. Now where were we?

What I was saying was...

Oh, you know what?
That's the end of our session.

We're gonna pick
this up next week, okay?

Make sure you pay
my secretary on the way out.

I'm sorry.

J I think that girl over there
got a little something 0

j she wanna show you
homey, ha ha»

j why you downing shots
all alone? J

j you're drawn up in my zone

j don't wander too far j

j treat you like a star j

j'cause I own the bar j

j baby, get low, baby, get low»

j baby, get low 7»

j watch me get low,
take me where I need to go j

j baby, get low, baby, get low»

j baby, get low 7»

j watch me get low,
take me, take me j

j she's outta control,
she's outta control j

j calling me to the floor
and I can't say no j

going out for a little while.

Have fun.

J baby, tell me where
you're coming from j

hello.

J yeah, do you think
this is acceptable? J

j you're making me
feel like a fool j

Oh, you are not
playing poker again.

What's up, girl?
You wanna get weird?

You better back up off of me.
Get out of my yard!

- Damn.
- Yo, she's a bitch.

Your, mama!

You don't wanna have
no pajama party?

What's that?

What?

I think there's someone
in the house.

Is there? Okay.
Give me a minute.

- Hey, hey, guess what?
- What the hell are you doing here?

I got a date tonight.
I had to get my stuff set up.

- Oh, no! Seriously?
- Why are we whispering?

Because I got a date now.
My stuff is already set up.

Meet me downstairs.
My clothes are down there.

I'm about to get dressed, okay?

Okay. All right.

What am I supposed to tell her?

Man, just tell her you had
to get out of the house

because you're stressed out
and needed fresh air.

What the hell you doing here?

- Hey!
- Shh.

What the hell y'all doing here?

- Shh.
- Shh.

J-man?

Hey, look, you three
gotta get up outta here,

my girl's gonna be here any minute.
I need to set up.

Hey, babe!
We having poker today,

but, you know,
I'm gonna reschedule.

Is that cool with you?

Are you having a poker
a marathon?

Uh, no, we were just... no.

We just kinda we came by.
You know, say hello.

Oh, well, it's no big deal,

'cause I have to
take off anyway.

So, I'll see ya later.

I'll text ya.

Aren't you gonna
walk me to the door?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm taking
you through the back door.

- Yeah, the back door.
- Back door?

Hey, man, you all
gotta leave, man.

You gotta leave, man.
You gotta go.

Why I gotta leave?
I have a sure thing, man.

Sure thing? Come on, urkel.
You don't have a sure thing.

Urkel?

Hey, look, man. I am sorry
I ruined your night.

You ruined my night, too.
=I didn't ruin your night.

I had a sure thing.
You never had a sure thing.

Listen, girls, listen. Listen,
we're gonna meet tomorrow.

We're gonna figure out
a system, a blueprint,

so this won't happen again.

See, that's Natalia. Huh? What?

Jit's Letitia.

Oh, shit. Okay, you go upstairs.

You go... me and him,
we'll take care of it.

- Where's he at?
- Uh, he just left.

If you go out...
Sl know you playing poker.

No, we weren't playing poker.
“We weren't playing poker.

We were...
We just was meeting...

We were, uh...
We weren't playing poker.

Nah.

You going somewhere?

No, we was just thinking
about renting the place.

- Both of you?
- Yeah, yeah.

Aren't you married?

No, I'm not... I'm not married.
Well, he might be.

- Whoa.
- Well, not to each other.

It's a joke I'm working on
for my routine. My stand-up.

That's funny.
You should try that one out.

- Anyway, so j-man just...
- J-man?

That's what we called
Duke in college.

Yeah, it was an old college
nickname. J-man, hey!

So, Duke let us in
and he took off.

You lying,
and you're the ringleader.

- Where's my husband?
- Hey, come... come!

I told you Duke is not here!

What the hell?

See, this is why I date
outside my country.

See that?
Yeah, it makes you think.

Hey, come to the light, man.
I'm just saying.

- Nice seeing you, Ron.
- Oh, it was great seeing you too, Tom.

And I want to thank you for helping
me straighten up my relationship.

- Yeah, no. No, problem.
- Yeah, I'll see you later.

Hey! Hey, hey, bae. - Hey! If you
don't get your arms off of me,

I'm gonna rip it off. Sorry!

I don't know what's
going on around here,

but if I get home
and Duke's not there asleep,

I'ma come back here,
and I'ma fuck somebody up.

Okay. Hey, wait! No, hold on!

But now I know that
to have an affair takes...

I'm gonna tell you
you have to... you have t0o...

Pay to go out to eat.
Can't go over to his house.

Can't go over your house
'cause somebody there.

Hl.

She looks very familiar.

Probably an old student of mine.

When I count to three,

you will wake up feeling
refreshed and energized.

All your feelings
of sadness will be gone.

One, two...

Yes?

Can I kill her now?

Robert, I'm in a session.

I told you, only call me
if it's an emergency,

but here we are.

No, no, do not kill her.

Just stick with the plan
that we came up with.

Oh, please,
that is too much work.

Will it be worth getting her
out of your life forever?

I would prefer
getting her off the planet,

but I suppose removing her
from my world will do.

Good, well, go be at it,

and we'll talk
at the next session.

Good-bye, Robert.

Oh, somebody
poked me on Facebook.

Hvm. Hmm.

Oh! Three!

I don't feel so good.

You okay?

Oh, must be something bad I ate.

Do you need anything?

I'm okay.

All right, I'm leaving.
I'll be back in a few hours.

Have fun.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

I have to use the restroom.

- Hello.
- Hl.

Have we met before?
We just have.

I thought you were a former
tango student of mine.

I'm not a dancer, but I can do
a horizontal gripping mambo.

Here, I'll trade you
some lessons in the vertical

for some in the horizontal.

That's a fair trade.

Yeah, flush. Lucky bastard.

Wow, you son of a bitch.
You had to kick in.

- Look at that. You see that?
- God damn.

About time.

Look, guys, I don't
see what the problem is.

Ron d, this is the problem.

You see, I was about
to get it on with Sunday

and give her some praise
and worship,

but you guys shows up giving me
a housewarming party.

- What's up with that?
- I wasn't invited to no party.

Hey, but you know,
guys, seriously,

we almost messed up
the love shack.

Yeah, I had a sure thing.

Don't you start that, man.
You serious?

Hey, listen, guys,
we need to devise a plan.

We need to come up
with a plan, all right?

I was beginning to think
you were married.

- Hmm?
- But now that I'm in your place,

in your bed...

- I love you.
- Yeah, I love you, too.

There, there,
it'll be okay, Tom.

1 just need to be held.

- I'll hold you.
- Thank you.

It'll be all right.
You're awesome.

I miss my wife. - Oh! Can we not
talk about her right now though?

Baby, daddy lost his keys.

He's gonna have to go in
the back door.

What do you mean back door?

- Let me show you.
- Oh, whoa.

God!

I've always wanted
to do it with twins.

Oh, hell, naw. I'm not crossing
swords with my brother.

We couldn't even share the
same mother without fighting.

Now that's a good sermon for
Sunday, but not for me.

Now where was 1?

Yeah. I like fish sticks,

I like fish sticks, yeah.

Wow.

Hello, hello.

So how long have you been
living in the hood?

Not long.
I got a small inheritance

and decided to upgrade
my living situation.

Nice.

No chance of me getting
an inheritance.

I'm gonna have to marry up
if I'm gonna do any upgrading.

- What's your husband do?
- He's a realtor.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's not that bad.
It could be worse.

He could suck in bed.

Then again, lately...

You think there's someone else?

No way! Then again...

You can ask him yourself.

- Hey, how you doing, honey?
- Hey.

Tuesday wants to know if you're
sleeping with someone else.

Nice to meet you. Hl.

Tuesday's kinda new to the hood.

We met when we were
carrying groceries up.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I need to go take a shower,
and then go for a facial.

You find out
if he's fooling around.

You guys are very amusing.

So, Letitia tells me you haven't
been too interested lately.

She said what?
What's up with that?

- Sunday?
- No, Tuesday.

What the hell
are you doing here?

What are you talking about?

Listen, my wife, she's not
too fond of my brother.

If she knew that
I set you up with him,

it wouldn't look too good on me.

What are you talking about?

Keep your damn voice down.

Look, I gotta go.
Tell Letitia I'll call her.

- What's going on, Sunday?
- Church, I guess?

Gotta go.

What? Church?

Wait.

Hey, bae.

Is this j-man? Who's this?

- This is Dr. english.
- Yeah, this is j-man.

Mr. Johnson,
have you met Tuesday?

- Yeah, we chill together sometimes.
- I thought so.

Hmm, I'm currently
treating Sunday

for multiple
personality disorder.

Have you met any other
days of her week?

No, I haven't.
Doc, is she crazy?

Because I'm feeling
kind of crazy.

Do you think she put cyanide
in my drink or something?

What's going on? Help me.

Okay, Mr. Johnson, I'm...

I'm gonna need you to come
into the office.

All right. In a minute.

A white "suprem-ist"?

Monday is from Mississippi,
circa 1955,

and her great grandfather
was a confederate general.

So far she only appears
very briefly,

but she has the potential
to be very dangerous.

Now, I can't go into specifics,

but suffice it to say
the last time

she did manifest herself,

the police were involved.

Whoa. You know what, doc?

I think it's time for me to
end things with Sunday.

- You feel me?
- No, I wish you wouldn't do that.

If her life gets upset now,

we may lose all the progress
we've achieved so far.

And I personally believe
we're very close

to a breakthrough.

Look, doc, I got a few personalities
of my own, you feel me?

But neither of them want to
lynch a damn black man!

I hope I haven't given you the
impression that Monday is homicidal.

She merely has a rage issue.

A rage issue.
You serious? A rage issue?

Well, it's nothing serious.
Il assure you.

You just need to be aware of it

and not over react.

All right, all right, all right.

Cool, um...

I think I can handle that.

I should mention, um...

If you are seeing
Sunday intimately,

and suddenly Monday emerges,

make sure she does not
give you oral sex.

What? Seriously?

Good day, Mr. Johnson.

- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm okay, just drank
too many red bulls

with that blue vodka at the
studio today, that's all.

Let me make you feel better.

How?

I'm wanna give you
something special.

Just make sure she does not
give you oral sex.

Oh, wait a minute.

Hold on, it's all good.

Just let me do you.

Okay.

Let me do you, baby.

Yeah.

You are a love letter
written in secret code.

Maybe you can unlock that code.

I can unlock any code, baby.

- This is a nice place.
- Thank you.

It's gorgeous.

What do you think
about the artwork?

I think it's gorgeous.

It's by a famous designer
named tamani Elliott.

This is called
her juju collection.

Juju collection? Yes.

So does Letitia know
about these digs?

Nope. Should she?

Well, what if she finds out.
Are you gonna tell her?

Depends on how good you are
with that massage.

Oh, baby, I'm real good.

Let me show you. Come here.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

- Damn, girl.
- O0oh, you got strong hands.

Yeah.

What the hell?

Shit.

I'm starting to feel guilty.

You should. It's your turn.

All right.

Take it off. =I will.

There you go.

What's this? “What's what?

These scratches.

Remember you did...

- Remember what?
- Uh, never mind.

I was thinking
of something else.

You bastard.

Uh! “What?

So it costs money to have an affair.
That's relationship.

You may get a couple of these
groupies out there once in a while,

but even the most ratchet
chick is like, uh-uh.

This is Juan.

Hello dance, man.
Do you know who is this?

Yes, I think I do.

Are you ready for your lesson?

Most importantly
are your ready for yours?

Okay, tonight's gonna be fun
most definitely.

What's your address?

See you then.

Are you okay?

Couldn't be better, sugar.

I'll be out before you can say
"cat on a hottin roof."

Monday?

Dr. english.

Hello, Dr. english.

J-man. - I think Monday's about
to come out of the bathroom.

And she... and she may
wanna lynch me.

This is not good.
Um... where are you?

I'll text you the address.
All right.

- Yes.
- There's two ways out for a cheatin' man.

I can go down on y'all,
or y'all can go down on me.

No, no. I'll go down on you.
I'll go down on you.

No. What the hell?

I think I'll go down on y'all.

Wait, whoa!

No.

Come on, please!

Wait, what do we do?

Hello. Who are you?

Who are you?

I'm Juan. This is my mansion.

I'm Tiffany,
and this is Rebecca.

Oh, Rebecca, yes,
you're Tom's hair stylist.

Have we met?

No, but I stopped
in the shop once.

Isn't this Tom's mansion?

Actually we're...
We're roommates.

Roommates?

Sorta.

Look, would you mind terribly

we're planning a really
big surprise for Tom.

- Mmm.
- It's big.

I'd love to but I have
a pressing engagement.

She's gonna be here any minute.

No, no, no that's...
It's not gonna work.

I'm sorry I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to ask

you guys to leave and have
your surprise another time.

Look, we've planned
a big dinner.

We've got everything ready.

It looks really,
really nice and...

Where's the food?

It's being delivered. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry this is...
This is not gonna work.

I'm gonna have to ask
you two to leave.

Oh... just... just for a minute.

You guys are gonna have to...

- Oh, yeah, baby.
- No, uh...

Didn't your mother
ever teach you

not to argue with women?

My mother taught me
to argue with women

that makes you want to take your pants off.
You agree, right?

- What?
- You feel it, too.

You definitely do.
Definitely do not feel that.

Tom!

- He has a key.
- I have his key.

Is that Tom?

Not unless he's in
"rupaul's drag race."

It's Heather.

No offense, but is this
an alcohol center?

No, I assure you I do not
and have never paid for sex.

You two gotta go.
Take Tom out for dinner.

We were here first.

Heather bumpkin, come in.

You are delicious.

Thank you.
Dark as the day is long.

Let's all have dinner together.

That's a great idea.

No.

See, these girls
are completely unreasonable.

Yeah, it's not gonna work.

Tom!

- He has a key.
- I have his key.

Who let you two in here?

- What are you doing here?
- My man, what are you doing here?

Ron d, you sent me a text,

you said I could use
the mansion tonight.

No, I never said
nothing like that.

What, are you another roommate?

Oh, this is Rebecca,
Tom's "hair stylist" friend.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Tiffany. How are you?

- Hi, hi.
- Hil, good.

Okay, well, look, sorry, there's
been some type of mistake,

so you all gotta get
out of here, man.

I got an important date tonight.

Ron d, you said that I could
have the mansion.

My man, you gotta go.

Tom!

- He has a key.
- I have his key, dumb ass.

Wait, how do you have his key?

Where is Sunday?

It will be just here
if you wait three more days.

This is a medical emergency. I
need to see Sunday immediately.

Wait a second. We can't do this.

Should we check it out?

Should we check it out?

Well, we could get a coffee
and avoid the risk

of a racial profiling charge,

or we could just patriot act it,

it's your choice.

Hmm, yeah. Lotta paperwork.

It's probably just take out.

But, um, let's keep
an eye on this place.

- We said jama'ah...
- This is not the way.

We gave him three days. That's
three days that he has ignored us.

It is disrespectful
at this time.

I know, but he doesn't have any
understanding of our culture.

Listen, it is imperative
I see Sunday immediately.

- Where is she?
- Okay, look, Dr. english?

Sunday is not here. Maybe she's
with j-man or something.

- J-man?
- Yeah, that's like her...

What the hell is going on here?

Mr. Johnson, where is Sunday?

She's upstairs.

- S0o, you're in on this, too?
- In on what?

Ron d, you said it was cool for
me to get the mansion today, man.

I never said that. Oh, oh, just like
I said it was okay for Juan, too.

- You did.
- I didn't, man.

Look, right here, see?
See the text?

Texts don't lie.

Man, I didn't send that shit.

Well, somebody sent it.

- Who the hell sent it then?
- I don't know.

Oh, shit.

You got some explaining to do.

Uh, uh, open house.

Open house, my ass.

Sit down.

Oh, no. What's she doing here?

Sister, what are you doing here?

You look fine as hell
in that dress.

You got it going on, girl.

I don't know what the hell's
going on with you people,

but all of you need to leave,

because we have something
going on right now.

We're a party! Ah-ha!

All right, let's go, come on.

Oh, hell, no.

Get back here!

What the fuck?

I gotta change, man.
It's too fucking hot in here.

All right, stand over
here and... I'll do that.

Hey it looks... it looks like
something is going down.

Wait a second.

See, they must live here.

No, they don't look like
they live here.

I bet you would think
I couldn't live here.

You can't.

All right, once more
around the block.

Who the hell Juan is?

You all need to get outta here.

- You leave...
- No, no, I was here...

I'll get it.

Well, look, so listen.
So before you start judging

my wife... she's a...

Where is she?

She's... she'll be at the bar.
She's over there...

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right,
she's over here.

She's over here.

But see... she's also
my business manager.

So she don't hear nothin' I say.

No seriously, if she's gonna
hear nothin' I say...

Watch this.

Sarah. Bae. Bae.
Go on, kill yourself.

Bae, go kill yourself, girl.
Go kill your damn self.

Bae, bae!

Bae.

Take a look at me now.

Bae! For real.

Hey. Hey, bae, I love you.

So when she finally
heard this bit

that I was cheating on her,

and having an affair,

she thought it was funny.
Like, oh, that's funny.

And what was even funnier,
is that you know it's the truth.

This really happened.

And she looked at me
and she said,

"boy, nobody wants
your broke ass."

I tried to do a joke.
I killed them.

They weren't expecting that.

Destroyed them.
What did you say?

They weren't expecting that.
They were, like,

love and they hated me
all in the same thing.

They couldn't handle that.

Oh, the new joke?

Um... 1 wasn't listening.

Wasn't listening.

Oh, okay, we gotta go.
I've got the cash.

No, no, no, no, no,
I want to see the next act.

You are performing in San
Francisco tomorrow night,

remember? Yeah.

Which means we have
to get up early...

Okay, grab a drink.
I'll be in the car.

All right.

I can't believe Eddie didn't
win an Oscar for "life."

Or "the klumps."

Hey, bae.

When ami going to see you?

Uh... next week.

You gotta do better than that.

I know, okay, okay.
Now look, you know what?

I was going to surprise you

when I got back
from San Francisco,

but if you insist...

I rented a mansion. Mansion?

Yeah.

Can you just give me
a little time.

Well, five minutes.

Well, just give me
an hour, okay?

Oh.

Let me straighten up
a little bit,

and I'll text you the address.

- Okay, daddy.
- There you go.

See? Your naughty self.
I'll see you in an hour, okay?

Okay.

Bae, bae, bae.

Don't even think
of making me open my eyes.

I'm just gonna
go to the comedy club,

I left my jacket there.
They just called.

Idiot.

Maybe.

J I'm up and it's way
past curfew j

j watch out this game
will work you j

j I'm up it's way past curfew j

j yeah, I'll admit
that I'm wrong j

j babe, it's hard to be me

j sometimes I be
ditching the fans j

j to run around
chasing my dream 2

Tonight is your night, bro.

Who the hell is that?

What the hell you
doing here, Ron d?

- Hey!
- Shh.

What the hell
are y'all doing here?

- Shh.
- Shh.

Hey, look, you three gotta
get up outta here.

My girl's gonna be here
any minute, I need to set up.

- You know that.
- Company!

Hey, babe, we having poker
today, but I'm gonna reschedule.

Is that cool with you?

Are you having a poker marathon?

Uh, no, we was just, uh... no.

We just kinda we came by,
you know, say hello.

Oh, well, it's no big deal
cause I have to take off anyway,

so see ya later.

I'll text ya later. Yeah.

Aren't you gonna
walk me to the door?

Of course, yes, I'm taking you
through the back door.

- Yeah, back door.
- Back door?

Hey, man, you all
gotta leave, man.

You gotta leave, man.
You gotta go.

I'm not gonna leave, man,
I have a sure thing, man.

Come on, urkel, you don't
have a sure thing. - Urkel?

You might wanna be cremated because there
won't be enough remains left to bury.

Yo, d, is this girl that fine?
She's that hot?

Do black men
hang like elephants?

She is hot.

There's actually two
species of elephants. What?

- Well, why don't you just take her here?
- Hmm.

Wait a minute, j-man,
would you possibly consider

occasionally subletting
this place to me

and my alter ego?

You know what, that's it,

I'm gonna get in
on the action, guys.

I feel a little alter ego
coming on myself.

I'm like a spider-man.

I'm sure I can talk to the owners
about leasing this place to us.

Yeah? How much for...
The three of us?

Four.

What? But I don't have
any action on the side.

Well, Tom, you can come
here and you can masturbate

and watch porn, you know.

You haven't banged
your barber yet?

Uh! I'm married, Juan.

To a woman who won't let you
watch porn or Jack off,

and doesn't even have sex with
you, now what do you mean?

Tom, we're...
We're all married, man.

Yeah, but... but I don't need to.
I'm happily married.

Come on, guys.

No, you're not.

Who? Contently married?

Okay. Tom.

I'm not miserable.

Well, occasionally
I'm not miserable, you know.

And that's more than most
married guys can say.

Okay, so then why are you still
stalking this barber of yours?

She is wondereul.

Uh, awesome.

Beautiful.

Yeah. Okay, so let me
ask you this.

If this wonderful girl decides
to give you a chance,

where you gonna take her, Tom?

Can't go home.

Well, I didn't think about it
that far in advance.

She is a babe, Tom.

Are you gonna tell me why I had
to dress in all black?

So, what's the problem, Tom?

My wife. I mean, I don't
feel right about this.

You're letting your tortured
catholic upbringing

cloud your senses.

I love the new pope.
You know, he's so progressive.

Okay, I want you
to do what I say

and do not think about it.

I want you to tell her
that your wife

was just killed
in a horrible car accident.

I mean, blood everywhere,
five car pile up.

Unborn baby is dead.

You've used your tears
to masturbate

for the past five days.

What? I can't tell her that.

Well, Tom, it's either that
or you walk in there

you tell her you're
with the men in black

and the only way to save the
world is to have sex with you.

Uh, that's even worse. I can't
tell her any of that stuff.

It would help
if you were crying.

But I don't feel like crying.

Cry!

- I'm sorry!
- Cry, goddamnit.

Sorry!

That was your fun.

J now I look in that stores

j where they ask where I'm at j

j now I'm way too fly j

j and I ain't never
goin' back, goin' back j

what's up, Tom?

You don't have
an appointment, do you?

What happened? Are you okay?

My wife... she was killed
in a car accident.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, Tom.

Tom, it's going to be okay,
I promise. I'm so sorry.

Can you feel the sensuality
of the music?

Let it flow through your body.

Now connect and say lovers.

Juan! Juan, I have
a date tonight.

Congratulations.

Well, what I do now?

Tell her you don't
want to be alone.

Oh, right.

But then what?

Tom, is the mansion set up?

- It has to look like you live there.
- Oh, right! Right!

Sorry about Tom. Who?

Honey?

What are you doing?

Hey.

Where's my portrait?

Well, I forgot to tell you
that it cracked

and I tookit to the framers.

Why?

Um... I was trying
to kill a pantry moth,

and it fell and cracked.

A pantry moth?

What are you doing?

I can't have pieces
of broken glass on the carpet.

I already vacuumed.

That's it. We're gonna
have to fumigate.

For pieces of glass?

No, pantry moths.

It was just one moth.

It was just one that you saw.

I got some emails to check,
then I'm gonna go to bed.

Okay, sounds good.

I'm gonna do a little reading,
and go for a walk.

Okay. All right?

- Good night, dear.
- Good night.

What's that? Mmm.

What?

I think there's someone
in the house.

You do? Okay.

Give me a minute.

- Hey, hey, guess what?
- What the hell are you doing here?

I got a date tonight.
I had to get my stuff set up.

- Oh, no! What?
- Why are we whispering?

Because I got a date right now.
My stuff is already set up.

Damn. But I got a sure thing.
Come on, you can't hook me up?

Okay, my clothes are downstairs.
Meet me down there

and I get dressed, okay?
All right.

- Great seeing you, Ron.
- Oh, it was great seeing you too, Tom.

Thank you all for helping me
straighten up around here.

- Yeah, no problem.
- Yeah, I'll see you later.

Hey! Hey, hey, babe. - Hey! If
you don't get your arms off of me,

I'm gonna rip it off. Sorry!

I don't know what's
going on around here,

but if I get home
and Duke's not there asleep,

I'm gonna come back here,
and I'm gonna fuck somebody up.

Okay, see ya.

Hey, wait. Don't run!

Mmm.

- Do you want to go swim?
- Hmm?

Or do you want
to go to the bedroom?

Hey, why don't
we start in the bedroom,

come back and get
in the jacuzzi.

We gonna do it in the oven.
Hey, we gonna do it everywhere.

Oh, it's gonna be a pleasure to.

That's right. We'll even
do it in the garbage can.

Hey, we gonna get dirty tonight.

Oh, come on, seriously.
We'll get dirty.

There I got it.

Now you can stop complaining.

That's the best you can do?

Why do I have to get outta here?
I own the place,

don't forget your mommy's
lasagna on the way home,

- okay, dear?
- Okay, dad.

What's wrong?

I was really hoping
Rebecca would be here.

You just missed her.

Well, with my luck lately
I'm not surprised.

Tom.

I'm done practicing in a bit.
Do you wanna hang out?

Well, you probably have
better things to do.

No, I insist.

Thank you for being there.

Glad to help.

I hope this doesn't screw up
anything between you and Rebecca.

Oh, no, she's... she's open
to anything that gets me

through this mourning period.

She's so understanding.

She's an angel.

But... but I... but I don't
think... 1 don't... 1 don't think

you should say anything to her.

I agree.

Nothing.

Well, I'll just
take down your number.

Il cut men's hair right now.

I'm sure dogs would like
the same thing, right?

Yup, this is pretty easy.

I'm sorry, one second.

Motherfucker.

1 just saw Kate.

Tom's wife.

That's impossible. She's dead.

No, no, no. I am really,
really good with faces,

and it was her.

You've only seen that one photo
of her on the nightstand.

How do you know about the photo?

You told me about it.

Yeah, you said, uh, he wrapped
itina black ribbon?

I got a picture
of her license plate.

What? Do you know a guy?

I got a guy at dmv.

I'm gonna have him
run it for us.

So I slam
dunked it and we won the game.

- No way!
- Yeah.

That's awesome.

Well, I... I
guess I'm kinda awesome.

So, Paul, you got a name for me?

Kate white.

Kate white. Got it.

Thanks, doll.

What a sick fucking bastard!

I can't believe
he did this to me.

I mean... I can't believe
he did this to you.

You being my best friend.

He is going to so wish
he never met me.

You know what? Whatever you're
planning, count me in.

Nobody does this to me.

I mean, to my friends.

- Yes?
- Hil. I'm Rebecca.

And I'm Tiffany.

We're Tom's friends.

Really? He never
mentioned you two before.

Yeah, maybe friend
isn't the right word.

May I come in?

Lovers!

He told me you were dead.
As a matter of fact,

- you died in a car accident.
- Same. I just felt sorry for him.

He came in crying and then...

Next thing I know
we were in bed.

Yeah, me, too.

He has a picture
of you on a mantle.

- My photo?
- Draped in black silk.

Where's my photo?
It's at the mansion.

What mansion?

Where's the mansion?

- It's...
- Never mind.

I'm gonna put his balls
in a meat grinder.

We wanna help.

Okay. All right.

Let me think.

Okay.

He wants me dead, huh?

Okay, I'll give him dead.

Where's this mansion?

I know where the bedroom is.

What? I do.

Hey, dad.

Tom.

Just the guy I wanted to see.

How are you?

Good, you?

You know, Tiffany told me
about the two of you.

Your little rendezvous.

She did?

It's okay.
I completely understand.

As a matter of fact, I was
thinking that, you know,

her and I could make you
feel good together.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Have you ever been
with two women, Tom?

Are you kidding?

I mean, I had the
opportunity a few times,

but that was back
when my wife was alive and...

Mm-hmm - and I would
never cheat on her.

No, of course not.

She's not here anymore.

So tonight?

Yeah, tonight? Yeah.

Does that work for you?

Sure.

I would bring
lots of protection.

See you tonight then.

So, this is the love shack.

Apparently.

That is not my shade.

How many women
is he sleeping with?

Baby, you go!

Uh! - Wow, I didn't realize
it was such a big mansion.

And I thought my neighbors
were annoying.

Look, let's just carry on
with the plan,

Casanova could show up early.

- Kate.
- It's okay, I know how to use it.

Okay, I'm gonna go
get in position.

Good. And we're about five
minutes from being set up.

Would you do something?

Well, what do you want me to do?

Here are the fake blood pockets.

Uh, it'sin a condom.

God, was she on her period?

Ugh!

Look, when I start shooting, slap it
on your chest, and they'll burst open.

But it's in a condom,
and I'm wearing coco Chanel.

I'll pay for your dry cleaning.

Okay. I'm gonna come in and I'm
gonna yell, "1 have a gun."

And then you guys get
the blood packs ready.

- Okay, got it.
- Okay, got it.

What's that noise?
Did she say she has a gun?

- Who's she?
- How the hell am I supposed to know?

I don't know. All I know
this mansion is jinxed.

Fuck! You know what?
Let's go hide in here.

Okay!

What's going on, honey child?

I'm listening. Give me a minute.

They're having an argument.
We should call the police.

- The police? Really?
- Yes, the police.

Oh, this is Rebecca, this is
Tom's "hair stylist" friend.

Hi, I'm Tiffany. How are you?

- Hi, hi.
- Hil, good.

Look, sorry, there's been
some type of mistake,

so you all gotta get
out of here, man.

I got an important date tonight.

Ron d, you said
I could have the mansion.

My man, you gotta go.

Tom!

- He has a key.
- I have his key, dumb ass.

Wait, how do you have his key?

Where is Sunday?

Okay, let's forget it.
We're not gonna call the police.

Wait a minute,
is that Dr. english?

Dr. who? Dr. english.

Wait right here.
I'll be right back.

Listen, it is imperative
I see Sunday immediately.

- Where is she?
- Okay, look, Dr. english?

Sunday is not here. Maybe she's
with j-man or something.

J-man?

What the hell is going on here?

Mr. Johnson, where is Sunday?

She's upstairs.

- S0o, you're in on this, too?
- In on what?

Ron d, you said it was cool for
me to get the mansion today, man.

I never said that.
Oh, oh, just like I said

it was okay for Juan
to do that, too, huh?

- You did.
- I didn't, man.

Look, right here, see?
See the text?

Texts don't lie.

So, yeah, yeah, yeah,
so I got one date, right?

Huh?

Well, will was right. Girls of the
world ain't nothin' but trouble.

Hey! I'm going for a walk.

I'm out.

She's upstairs. - She's
upstairs, so you on this, too?

In on what, Ron d?
You said it was cool

for me to have
the mansion today, bro.

I never said anything like that.

Like I said, Juan
can stay here, too, huh?

- You did!
- See, look, right here.

It's in the text.
Texts don't lie.

Man, I didn't send that shit.

- Who the hell sent it?
- I don't know.

This is not going to be the way.

Come on, he's a human being.
We can't do this here, jamaal.

Wait a second. We can't do this.

Samya, we said jama'ah...
This is not the way.

So we gave him three days.

That's three days
that he has ignored us.

It is disrespectful
at this time.

I know, but he doesn't have any
understanding of our culture.

I will not have this.

Please, give him
one more chance.

Are you expecting someone?

Not really. Not really?

I'll be right back.

Baby, that's my p.O.

Just tell 'em I'll piss
in the cup later,

but you have to do it for me.
Shh.

I just hope you not pregnant,
because how would I explain that.?

- Salam.
- Salam, I'm sorry, my sister.

Oh, jamaal, what are
you doing here?

- Who is this man?
- Uh, this is Ron d.

Ron, my brother, jamaal.

Hey, man.

Hey.

You married without
my permission?

No, no, no! We're not married.

What? Defiler!

Cover yourself, sister.

And you, come forward!

Look, jamaal.
It's different here.

It's a totally
different culture.

Um, Ron d's actually my partner.

Partner!

Do you lie with this man?

Ron d?

Your silence
has answered my question.

Ron d, you must choose
to do honor to my family,

or suffer the fate
of an infidel.

The fate of a defiler.

You must marry samya
before jamaal.

Before jamaal...
Who the hell is jamaal?

That's Friday.

Okay, okay, so what if I decided
to be this... defiler?

Regretfully you both
will be stoned to death.

You have until jama'ah
to decide.

Wait, jamaal!

Hold on, so he's jamaal?
Some other dude named jamaal?

What's... what's?
Come on, this is not funny.

Everything is funny to me.
Don't be a jerk.

Everything is funny to me.
This is ridiculous.

I didn't know
they were arriving so soon.

I don't know who
the hell jamaal is.

I'm really sorry
about my family.

I had no idea they would
be arriving so soon.

That's all you gotta say?

So, wait, wait, wait.

You knew the Addams family
was gonna attack me,

and you didn't wanna warn me?

Addam's family?

Now you're going
to insult my family?

Okay, okay,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

but you have to admit
they're a little strange, right?

Strange? Well, maybe they're
just not what you're used to.

What I'm used to...
Bae, your brother threatened

to stone us to death
in three days.

I'm not even making that up. I
couldn't even put that in my stand-up.

Look, okay, everybody,
listen, listen.

My woman and I are going
through this little problem.

Her family's gonna stone us
to death in three days,

well, it's not funny.

Okay, bae, bae, listen.
Listen, stoning to death...

I'm just... I guess
I'm outta my league.

So what do you suggest we do?

Well, we never really talked
about our future.

But I've been feeling that we
are heading towards marriage.

Unless I'm imagining.

No, no, no, no, no, I love you.

- I really do.
- Then why we don't tell to my family

that we're gonna get married?

Oh, bae. Okay, you know what?

I guess there's no good time
to tell you this and...

I am sorry, all right?

What?

What?

Are you married?

Oh, my god.

Yeah, I've been trying to tell
you, but it's complicated.

Complicated?

Well, I'm sorry
to complicate your life.

- No, no.
- I mean, what are you talking about?

No, that's not what I meant.
Listen, listen, listen.

- Look at me.
- I can't believe this is happening.

Hey, listen. Focus.
Look at me. Look at me.

All right?

Look, I love you, I really do,
but I'm in a very bad marriage,

where unfortunately my wife...
Look at me!

Is my business manager.

So I have to be very careful
on how I not end my career,

by ending this marriage.

Do you understand?

Then you have just three days or you
would like to be stoned to death.

Then I'll see how that
complication do to your career.

Natalia.

Listen...

You already have
a number one wife.

This is unfortunate.

The dowry for a number one
wife is a gold bullion

worth very much money on
today's comex gold index.

Dowry for number two wife,
eh, not so good.

Number two wife?
Don't even think about it.

I'm trying... I mean, me, you
and her is a legal threesome.

To death do us part, bae.
I mean, jamaal, finish.

In three days
we observe jama'ah,

then we proceed
with a wedding or a stoning.

This will be your decision.

Hey, man, go home.
But now let me ask you this,

so what is the dowry
for a second wife?

I'm just asking.
Jamaal, that's my dude.

The next bottom camel
and 1000 pounds

of genetically engineered
cotton seed for your farm.

Oh, I don't have a farm.
I just smoke it.

I don't... 1 don't...
I don't grow it, but...

Why don't we just hit this peace
pipe and call it even, man.

Samya.

I'm going to talk to Ron.

Jama'ah is now over.
Your Ron d must decide.

I'm going to let you know
as soon as he gives his answer.

No need. We all go together.

Well, no! Wait, wait.
Is the reason I go by myself.

Yalla, yalla, put the stones
in the minivan

and call the others.

He's crazy.

This is not the way.
We said jama'ah...

We gave him three days.

That's three days
that he has ignored us.

It is disrespectful
at this time.

I know, but he doesn't have any
understanding of our culture.

I will not have this.

Please, give him
one more chance.

Who are you
and why are you here?

Y'all need to get outta here.

No, no, no. You need to leave.

Oh, see, now I gotta
deal with this shit right here.

How many wives you have?

Those aren't my wives.

But you can have
this one right here.

She'll show you a good time.
It's all you.

Put the stones over there,

and be ready.

You really throw stones.

You really throw stones.

It is now time, Ron d,
for your decision.

All right, Natalia, I love you.

I truly do.

So, will you do the honor
of being my second wife?

Just for now.

Just until you can be
my first wife.

And I promise when you can,
you will be.

All right? Come on.

Okay?

I promise.

Okay.

- Well, what do we do?
- This is ridiculous.

Prince a little baba's gonna stone
us if you tell him to leave.

Tom! Go get the door!

The way this day is going,
I doubt it,

but I might as well continue
my hostess duties.

Well, hello, Tom.

Hello there.

Welcome.

Tom, welcome to the party.

Wait, hold on a second.
Who are all these people?

It's a party, dude.

A party dude?
Who's the party dude?

You're the party dude.

Okay, whatever, man.

Rebecca, I'm so sorry. I don't know...
I don't know what's going on here.

It's okay.
I like your friends, Tom.

You see that?

You mean the babe or the gun?

Now we need to investigate.

Let's go.

This is crazy, man.

- Are you a boy or a girl?
- Why are you worried about that right now?

- We totally work in a salon.
- Ron d, he texted me.

He said I was gonna...

Whoa, wait, come on now.

Who's at the damn door?
Ridiculous.

Who are you?

Cousin, you're late.

How's, uh...

Kate! Kate!

Oh. Kate?

Oh, shit.

I'm so sorry, Kate. I didn't
mean for any of this to happen.

Yeah. Sorry.

So you want me dead?

This man cheat on you?

Yes, but it all ends now.

Put gun down. We have stones.

I don't have time for that.

Let's see
how much sympathy you get

from two dead mistresses.

Freeze! Everyone on your knees.

Hands behind your head.

- You, on your knees now.
- I kneel for no man.

I have diplomatic immunity.

You better be immune
to lead poison!

Down on your knees!

Cousin, our family
has been insulted.

What the fuck? Stop that.

I said, fucking stop that!

Officers being attacked!
We need backup!

- Send backup!
- I said fucking stop that!

I said freeze!

So I looked at her
and I just said, "fuck you."

Oh! What else can you say?

Nothing. What else can you say?

Nothing, right? It's over.

It's over. It's over.

J I'll ever trust
somebody else j

uh, uh. Nobody else.

J that was the last time j

j I'll ever trust
somebody else j

talk to 'em, haz.

J yo, I had a thing
in the past j

jabout trusting women j

j they steal my heart fast
when I ain't lookin' j

j guess I'm too naive
and that's why I'm tooken j

j all the time on the ride
left since you walking out j

j gave her my all,
she was disloyal j

j check the expiration date,
we let the milk spoil j

j sat out too long,
love and the thrills gone 2

j try to steal my joy,
but I'm still strong

j I'm still showing,
it feels wrong j

j holding on to a love
that has been scorned j

j even though she look like Salma
Hayek in "dusk till dawn" j

help! Help! Disabled...

Oh, god.

Thank you, ladies.
You saved my life.

- Are you okay?
- I'm okay, yeah.

I'm okay now. Thanks.

J nobody like you

gotta put my leg down.
Are you sure?

I'm all right, yeah.

Ji don't need nobody else j

j no, no, nobody like you j

j yo, we used to chill
in the crib j

j and just watch flicks j

j then later hit the mall,
shop for some kicks j

j candlelight dinners,
just us, we just wanna kiss j

j talk for hours,
rocking Mary j., reminisce

j that's when we had a bond
that ruled with an iron fist j

j fellas were jealous, for sure
you had the ladies pissed j

j they said it's too good to be
true, good men don't exist j

j never insecure,
you ignored all them chicks

j you see it, you want it, you
got it, it was nothing less

j put out your hand, you got
the black American express

j the good life, she had it all,
nothing but the best j

j till she sat me down
and said she had to confess j

j that was the last time j

j I'll ever trust
somebody else j

j no, no, nobody like you j

j that was the last time j

j I'll ever trust
somebody else j

ji don't need nobody else j

j no, no, nobody like you j

j she was the one
that I trusted j

j who would ever think that she
would spread like mustard j

j see me with my new chick,
now you disgusted? J

j fix your face, you was
the one that got busted j

j left me for somebody that
you know couldn't afford you 2

hey, yo, girl, you like caviar?
You like sizzler?

- ; Sex tape leaked j
- Twizzlers?

I'm gonna buy you a Denny's.

Rolling fatties, smoking blunts.

Man, she wanted to suck
my dick, backwards.

Like, duh-doop,
duh-doop, duh-doop.

Yeah, like bent it over,
though, a few times.

Like juicy-j? Anal. Like anal.

Fuck, I was gonna take her
to the $1 discount store,

buy her some trinkets.

J I'm gonna learn
to trust again j

j and see what it's gonna do j

- and then?
- And insert my penis inside of her.

Softly.
With the one dollar condom?

Action!

You make me want
to take my pants off.

- You guys feel the same way?
- Uh, no!

Yeah, you do.
Il can see it in your eyes.

I can definitely see it
in your eyes.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Is that Tom?

Not unless he's in
"rupaul's drag race."

It's Rebecca.

I'm Rebecca, idiot. Fuck it!

Hey, babe, if that's Elvis,
you're seeing ghosts. Run!

Or it's those shrooms
I gave you.

Hey, bae, while you up,

give me a sunkist
and shake it up!

You know I like it fizzy, girl.

Hey, bae, you know what?

Since you up, you got a minute,

why don't you go to McDonald's?

Bae, get the door!
It's domino's!

Say, bae? Bae?
Why don't you go ahead

and put on that big bird suit?

You know I love that
"sesame street” role play.

I don't know, there's
something about "sesame street."

Yeah, come back
dressed as Kermit the frog.

Nah, I can't say that.

J that was the last time j

j I'll ever trust
somebody else j

ji don't need nobody else j

j uh, uh, nobody else 7

j that was the last time j

j I'll ever trust
somebody else j

ji don't need nobody else j

talk to 'em, haz.

J yo, I had a thing
in the past j

jabout trusting women j

j they steal my heart fast
when I ain't lookin' j

j guess I'm too naive
and that's why I'm tooken j

j all the time on the ride
left since you walking out j

j gave her my all,
she was disloyal j

j check the expiration date,
we let the milk spoil j

j sat out too long,
love and the thrills gone 2

j try to steal my joy,
but I'm still strong

j I'm still showing,
it feels wrong j

j holding on to a love
that has been scorned j

j even though she look like Salma
Hayek in "dusk till dawn" j

j congratulate yourself,
you inspired this song

j you know that, right? J

j I'll ever trust
somebody else j

ji don't need nobody else j

j no, no, nobody like you j

j that was the last time j

j I'll ever
trust somebody else j

ji don't need nobody else j

j no, no, nobody like you j

j yo, we used to chill
in the crib j

j and just watch flicks j

j then later hit the mall,
shop for some kicks j

j candlelight dinners,
just us, we just wanna kiss j

j talk for hours,
rocking Mary j., reminisce

j that's when we had a bond
that ruled with an iron fist j

j fellas were jealous, for sure
you had the ladies pissed j

j they said it's too good to be
true, good men don't exist j

j never insecure,
you ignored all them chicks

j you see it, you want it, you
got it, it was nothing less

j hold out your hand, you got
the black American express j

j the good life,
she had it all j

j nothing but the best j

j till she sat me down
and said she had to confess j

j that was the last time j

j I'll ever trust
somebody else j

ji don't need nobody else j

j no, no, nobody like you j

j word, as one

j hazardous j

j haz j

j new edition j