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[ man ]
that cameron diaz is hot.

[ man #2 ]
did you check out the new
f-150 yet ? Dude, it's huge.

[ man #3 ]
after the laker game, I'll head
to dublins. Grab brewskies.

[ man #2 ]
no way, man. There's
no snatch there on mondays.

It's sausage on weeknights.
Did you see that
saxon got traded ?

Sucks ! Now he's
gonna be shit now.
Amen, girlfriend.

-[ Imitating buzzer ]
-whoa. What did I say ? What ?

Benji, there isn't
a straight man in america...

Who doesn't refer to anyone but
his girlfriend as girlfriend.

I know, but I was so butch
when I said it.

Fine. I don't care
that I lost. I hate games.
Where's the check ?

You should be proud
to have lost.

This exercise is
an unabashed, demoralizing
case of self-mockery.

This from the man that
brought us, "there's no snatch
there on monday nights."

That's different.
I can't afford--
I agree.

If larry kramer knew this is
how gay men of america spent
their time, he'd defect.

Larry kramer can blow me,
because this is fun.

Besides, that was
five minutes and 32 seconds.
Group record.

Meanwhile, I was saying
earlier was that--

Could I have
a double steroid mocha ?

I can't help it.
I'm a guy bunny hag.
Gross.

Yes, benji,
yours is a lost cause.

I hate this city.
Everyone's
better looking than me.

-cHeer up, jan.
You'll make the team next year.
-i'M serious. Fuck off.

It's from the three of us.

Oh ! And you wrapped it
in your pants.

That's very funny.
Well, I'm very funny.

Love, here I am ?
Yeah, it's a joke.

You know how you're the only
one of us that never complains
about not having a boyfriend.

Certain individuals less
familiar with the real
dennis might interpret...

That absence
of desire to couple
as a defense mechanism--

A wall-- in which this text
would serve you in overcoming
your emotional blockage...

And opening yourself up to the
possibilities of a relationship.

Okay. Hint taken. Come on.
Just get together.

I can't take a picture.
I look terrible right now.

Wait a minute. Look at this.
Actually, this isn't bad.

Okay. Good.
Light's good over there. Go.

[ man ]
* there are girls

all right.

* to kiss me a few

meanwhile !

* oh, those girls don't know
what they're missin' *

[ dennis narrating ]
a lot of people ask me
when I first knew I was gay.

Fact is, I don't know.
Can't remember.

But what I do remember,
what I can recall,

is the moment
I first realized it was okay.

bye.
It was when
I met these guys,

thank you.
My friends.

* got to move
'cause time is a-wastin' *

* there's such a lot
of livin' *

* to do

* there's music to play
places to go *

* and people to see

* everything for you and me

* life's a ball
if only you'd know it *

I still need to find
a housewarming gift for
my sister and clubber lang.

She's been your sister's
girlfriend for five years.

Don't you think you two
should get along ?

Meanwhile, don't look now,
but right behind me--
I could kill you !

You act like he'd never know
we were checking him out.

He wouldn't even know I was
a fag if I wasn't with you,

you and your cart
full of kitchenwares.

What planet are you living on ?
There's not a person
in this store...

That wouldn't pick you off
the homo tree in a second.

Keep telling yourself that.
You don't believe me ?

I'm sorry, Miss ?
Excuse me, Miss ?

Could you come here
for just a second ?

This man-- you've never
seen him before, right ?

Tell me, which is it ?
Fag ? Not a fag ?

I'd have to say a big fag.

The first thing
I want to say, larry--
Lawrence.

Remember my thing with that ?
Right.

Anyway, lawrence, the last
two weeks that we've...

Been goin' out
have been some of...

The best moments
in my dating career.

We've laughed.
We've learned.

We've tripped
the light fantastic.

And, yet, I just...

Feel like something's
just not working.

What do you think,
dear ?

I'm not sure.
Fold your arms.

Oh, gosh, yeah.
Big nelly.
Yeah.

It's not you, okay ?
It's me.

I'm the broken piece,
and you want to know why ?

It's because
deep down inside...

I'm a lonely person.

Are you reading that
off of your hand ?

What ? No.

You are ! You are
totally reading a script.

I just wanted to make sure
I said the right thing.

Give me a fucking break.
"the light fantastic" ?

You don't even know
what the light fantastic is.
What ?

Got an a.p.b. On a caucasian
male. Brown hair and eyes,

160 pounds, 5-feet 11.

Suspect is unarmed
and has distinct characteristics
of a homosexual male.

That's how
i'd call you in myself.

Whoa.
You know, you are worse...

Than all
the muscle boys combined.

At least they don't presume
to want a relationship.

I never said that
I wanted a relationship.

- Then what did you want ?
- Something casual.

Linen sports jackets are casual.
Swimwear is casual.

Fucking somebody
is not casual.
Okay.

While we're on the subject,
if certain rumors concerning
your sexual proclivity...

Start popping up around town,
you'll know who started them.

Have a pleasant evening,
bottom boy !

[ laughing ]
that is such bullshit.

* just waiting for you

* you're alive

* so come on

* there's such a
lot of livin' *
[ shutter clicks ]

* such a lot of livin'

* such a lot of livin'

* to do *

why do you bring
them here, strumpet ?

I am not in the mood
for one of your tirades.

As a person in
a long-term relationship,

i'm gonna let you know
what you do is sick.

Whatever.
Number one, you work here.
It's in poor taste.

Number two, if you're going
to break up with somebody,

at least have
the decency to provide them
with better lighting.

I heard that, ingrate.
Oh, record time, casanova.

You can start your shift early.

Roberto, what are you cutting
those with, a chain saw ?

This is bruschetta.
You slice the tomatoes thinly.

Jack, jack, jack,
that's javier.
Roberto is his brother.

If he cuts those tomatoes
right, I'll call him
phyllis if he wants.

As a person in
a long-term relationship,

I don't see how you're gonna
find happiness with one person
if you don't mend your ways.

Is there a sentence you
don't start with "as a person
in a long-term relationship" ?

It speaks of my authority
on matters of the heart.

It speaks of
your boyfriend's insanity.

Hey, guys !
Oh, thank god.

You're late.
Sorry, but
it is my birthday.

"sorry" doesn't feed
the bulldog, sugar.
Go to work.

Saw your prey on the curb.
Nice work.

Last time I use
an audition monologue
to break up with somebody.

You're coming
to the party, jack ?

No, I just wrapped a hundred
pieces of cantaloupe in
prosciutto to keep them warm.

You didn't. Jack.
I couldn't let you
have a birthday...

Without giving you at least
a little of my superior
taste and talent.

And, in addition to which,
look what I got today.

The broken hearts jerseys.
I will be signing up
interested parties all night.

Please, I'm begging you.
No softball team this year.
No softball team this year !

No softball team
this year !
Are you crazy ?

Do you know what kind of p.r.
This is for the restaurant ?

It can't be that good.
We lost every single game
we played last year.

And two of those teams
only had four people.

Nobody's forcing you two
to play, but just remember
who pays your bills.

Leslie, queen of bitchtar,
your people have come
to take you home.

Good evening, patrick.
It's your brother !

[ woman ]
i'll be right there !

What is it with
lesbians and candles ?

I just got home from the office,
and I'm not in the mood
for your shit.

So, um, what's the gift ?

It's a housewarming present...
For anne.
Hmm. Two months late.

Looks like a coffeemaker.

Well, you can shut your mouth,
because it's a surprise.

We already have a coffeemaker.

I've seen your old one.
This one is way better.

We got rid of that one.
She didn't tell you ?
We have a new webb 3000.

You already have a webb 3000 ?

Don't worry, sweetie.
It won't be the first time she's
returned one of your gifts.

So, anne tells me
you're jealous of her vibrator.

- [ footsteps approaching ]
- how do I look ?
- Great !

Where's hansel and gretel ?
That's clever.
Sure you don't want to come ?

- No, thank you.
- He said it was going
to be mixed.

Last time he said that
there were 60 men,
three women and a parrot.

And the parrot was getting
more attention than the women.

That parrot knew the words
to "material girl."

Shall we ?
[ man ]
* ooh, ooh, yeah

* I'm just a love machine

* and I won't work
for nobody but you *

* yeah, baby

do you have to do
that in here ? We are
two blocks from the house.

Parties make me nervous.
I'm relaxing.

Can you relax legally ?
What if we get pulled over ?

- What are the police
going to do ?
- The whole arresting thing.

If we don't go home together
tonight, you'll understand.

- Let's not do this thing.
- What thing ?

This whole
11th hour breakup routine.
It's really demoralizing me.

I'm not breaking up
anything here, because what
there was to break up...

Was broken up two months ago.

Yet we're still
sleeping together.

We sleep together because
we got a fucked-up friendship,
not because we're boyfriends.

I don't want
to talk about this.

You never want to talk.
You just want to smoke pot !

Watch the fucking
cartoon network.

What's to talk about ?
We're ex-boyfriends
who still screw around.

I want more. You don't.
I hang on because I love you.

I wait desperately for the day
for you to calm down
and wake up...

And realize you love me.

You hang on because it's easy.

When you say that,
I sound like an asshole.

[ woman ]
* I'll be there for you
I swear *

* anytime you want me
i'll be there *

[ chattering ]

[ chattering, laughing ]

wait. Hold on.
First television crush ?

Oh, easy, john boy walton.
[ anne ]
no.

yes, honey, I always
wanted to be the last one
to say good night to him.

No, that mole.
Mine is matthew laborteaux.

Who's that ?
Albert from little house.

It was the morphine addiction
episode, wasn't it ?

How did you know ?
'cause you have a thing
for bad boys.

Hey !

The valley stream
is clear enough to reflect
even a hair or a whisker.

Why should I keep this mirror ?

See, as an artist,
it's crucial I reject
the mirror for the stream.

Right.
I'm gonna get a drink.

Do you want to
hang here or--
Definitely.

I mean, you know,
whatever.

So, how do you and benji
know each other ?

We fold jeans
at structure.

Okay, my first television
crush ? Aquaman.

Aquaman ?
Yeah, you laugh, but he was a
blond and had a swimmer's build.

I don't like blonds though.
I like swimmers.

Swimmers ?
There was a lot on his back.

[ jack ]
boys, I'm not
leaving this party
until you sign up...

To be on the best team in the
west hollywood softball league.

The broken hearts !
So come on over here
and sign up, guys.

[ jack ]
free drinks for a signature.

They'll all quit after
we lose the first game.
[ laughing ]

that looks pretty good.
Don't do that !

I have to let it set
for at least--- gosh.

Guess who's outside.
Who ?

J. Crew guy from new year's.

No shit. At my party ?
Yeah. Come here.

oh !

Look. Right over there
by the dining room table,

talking to a bunch
of his friends.
There he is. Oh, my god.

Shut the door.

It's your birthday star
shining on you.

We barely hooked up last time.
Probably doesn't
even remember me.

How about you ?
Any luck with the coworker ?

Who had a chance ?
Cole moved right in.

I just live with him.
It doesn't matter.

Wouldn't have worked anyway.
Guy's a total newbie.

Hasn't even told me
he's gay yet.
No shit. You can pick 'em.

I know. I just
can't help myself.

They remind me how great
it used to feel.

When you first
come out and every guy
in the room is just--

A possibility.
Yeah.

Then you find out
we are the possibility.

[ laughing ]
goddamn you.
What ?

Much like a zen master, you must
struggle to find freshness in
the mundane tasks of your world.

That, of course,
being the world of retail.

I totally understand
what you mean.

[ howie ]
it's that book. He's
unstoppable with the book.

What's the book ?
Some book on zen lessons
he found on dennis's shelf.

One of cole's exes told me
he was without an opinion
about anything,

so he thought it'd be best
if he went out and got some.

Dumb, gorgeous people
should not be allowed
to use literature...

When competing
in the pickup pool.

It's like bald people
wearing hats.

It's deceiving.

You open my gift yet ?
[ dennis ]
no. Which one is it ?

Right there.
I didn't know that.

Hello. Where's paul ?
He hasn't answered
my pages all day.

Love, here I am.

It helped me so much
in preparing myself
for loving paul.

Thank you, sweetie.
You're welcome, baby.

I'll just put that
with my other two copies.
uh--

I was wondering
if there's any more ice.
ice.

Ice, yes. There is ice,
and I will go get it.

Hark, the party calls.

From new year's, right ?
I wasn't sure
you'd remember me.

Well, I do.

I, uh, really didn't
come in here for this.

[ ticking ]

[ ticking continues ]

[ timer dings ]

uh, that's my frosting.

[ door opens ]

den, you got to come upstairs.
It's taylor.

Oh. What's goin' on ?

You're kidding me.

- What's happening ?
- Paul finally called
taylor back.

From hawaii,
where he's vacationing
with his new boyfriend.

Oh, shit.

No streisand ?
No bette, no judy !

What the fuck is a fairy
supposed to do around here
in case of emergency ?

Howie, come on.
There's got to be something.
I'm looking !

- There's celine dion.
- In hell !

No, can't-- whoa, no, here.
Beaches soundtrack.

Oh, thank god.
Track four.

- I just heard.
- I was left for another man.

[ laughing ]
not just any other man,
a trainer.

A trainer named dash. I was
left for a punctuation mark.

We all knew
this was gonna happen.

- Patrick.
- It's not like he didn't know
paul was sleeping around.

I tried to warn him
before they moved in together.
He wouldn't listen.

- I'm in the room, asshole.
- Nice. That's what I get
for being a friend.

We obviously have two
different interpretations
of that word.

- What's that supposed to mean ?
- It means--

It means when it comes to men,
you deligh in
being the bearer
of bad news for all of us.

You can disguise it
all you want under the guise
of patrick's good advice.

But it ain't shit,
but a pin trying to pop all
of our relationship balloons.

Yeah, I-I knew paul
was sleeping with other people,

but he said that
we'd work things out.

He promised
we'd work things out.

He lied. I'm sorry.
You know what ?

This is the time of the evening
where all the prettier boys
hook up anyway,

so I'm just
going to leave now.

He hates me.
No, he'll get over it.

The apartment was paul's.
He wants me out by friday.

We have a... Guest room.
You're more than welcome to it.

- I couldn't.
- It wouldn't be a problem.

Cole lives here too.
I couldn't do it
unless you were okay with it.

Well, it's sort of sudden.

But, uh,
i-it's dennis's house,

so if he's okay with it,
then I guess I am.

Then it's settled.

- Yeah.
- Dennis, cole, I--

You'll never ever know
how much I appreciate this.

I'm gonna need
your strength now.

See you guys.

What happened ?

Paul dumped taylor.
Taylor's a wreck.

ah.

Party's gonna break up soon,
if you want a ride.

Howie, no. You know,
I can't be your rice-a-roni.

My what ?
Your rice-a-roni.

It's the ultimate
'70s game show
consolation prize,

that thing everybody
knew they'd go home with,
even if they lost.

It is not like that.
It's different.

[ exhales ]
oh, my.

Don't-- don't do that.

You know that gets me
worked up when you do that.

Don't do what ?
Take off your glasses,
and you rub your eyes.

It means you're speechless.

I still make you
speechless ?

Where's your jacket ?

It's in the car.
Let's go.

Okay.

[ hand brake sets ]

do you want to
talk about it ?
What's to talk about ?

Gay men in l.a. Are a bunch
of tens looking for an eleven.

On a good night,
and if the other guy's
drunk enough, I'm a six.

That's not true.
It is.

I love you, and I know you
mean well, but it is.

Maybe it's time
you start hanging out with
a different group of guys.

They're the only ones
that make it bearable.

Good night, patrick.

Oh, um, just before I forget,
leslie and I want
to have a baby.

Since that's biologically
impossible for us
to do so without sperm...

And since your genes are
so close to my own, we thought
we could borrow some of yours.

Then it would be like the baby
she and I would have had
together had I a penis.

You wouldn't have
to sleep with her. She'd
be artificially inseminated.

So, take your time.
Think about it.

Not to rush you,
but we do want to get
moving on it right away.

Like, within the next couple
of ovulation cycles, so--

Talk to you tomorrow.

[ door closes ]
[ footsteps ]

you can drive away now.
Oh, okay.

** [ slow jazz piano ]

[ dennis ]
jack.

Go home.
I'll get the rest.

"come, ye spirits that
tend on mortal thoughts."

Unsex him here.

Now is not the time for
shakespeare in the living room.

No, of course not.
It's getting late.

It's only 20 minutes
till your next meaningless
sexual experience.

Ten, if I'm lucky.
Never, if you're really lucky.

Notice how subtly
i'm ushering you
towards the door.

Notice how subtly
i'm ushering you towards
a healthier existence.

Good night, jack.
Happy birthday, dennis.
I love ya.

Oh, don't get nervous.

Little kids and
senior citizens don't say it
for you to say it back.

** [ continues ]

[ sighs ]

we should light
a few more candles.

Um, cool.

Yeah, well, we could
use a little, you know,
some mood adjustment.

How about--
How about some music ?

Sure.
Great.

Right.
Yeah, great.

Do you like the carpenters ?

Play something else.

You don't find karen carpenter's
music even remotely romantic ?

no.
None of it ?

Not "close to you,"
"rainy days and mondays" ?

What about the one
about warren beatty ?

"you're so vain."
That's carly simon.

- You should go.
- What ?

I'm feeling rather virtuous
all of a sudden, but I'm going
to go with this impulse.

- Is this about the music ?
- No, it's not. It's about me.
I can't do this anymore.

- We haven't done anything yet.
- I know what we're about to do,
and I can't do it.

- Sure, you can. It's just--
- You're right, I can,
but I'm tired of it.

- You're tired of sex ?
- Yes-- no.

Yes, I'm tired of sex with
people who only care what I
look like and make up the rest.

I'm tired of doing
the same with them.
I want something more,

something else.

I want someone
who likes my music,
and I care about in the morning.

I keep forgetting your name,
because my friends and I refer
to you as j. Crew guy.

It's ted.

Well, ted, I'm sorry.

Normally how you look in
that sweater would be enough,
but just not tonight.

[ dishes crash in sink ]

- you scared me.
- It's my house.
I'm allowed to do that.

- Is cole asleep ?
- Yeah, he's asleep.

There's nothing in there.
I checked.

You should try
some of the cake.

The icing looks gross,
but cake's pretty good.

Oh, this is not
what I need tonight.

You are not
what I need tonight.

What'd I say ?

I made that cake you just
insulted for my own birthday.

Took me two hours
and I didn't even get
to blow out the candles...

'cause my friend's relationship
hit defcon five.

Bummer. Everyone knows
birthday wishes are the only
ones with any real validity.

I plan on writing to
the committee for an extension.

Why write ?

Hmm. Now you
made the deadline.

Come on. Make your wish.

Thank you.

Kevin.
You must be "ennis."

That's dennis.
Somebody ate the "d."

So are these yours ?
yep.

I found your darkroom when
I was looking for the bathroom,

so I figured you were
a photographer or something.

Or somethin'.

I like this one.
That was my first
class assignment.

We had to find an inanimate
object that represented
our emotional state.

I'd just come out of the closet,
hadn't met any
of my friends yet,

but still feeling a sense
of strength and independence.

I think it looks lonely.

You're benji's friend ?

Well, yeah. More sort of
coworker, but I like him.

Apparently not enough.
What's that mean ?

Between you and me,
I think you kind of
dashed his hopes tonight.

You've been a hot topic
of conversation ever since
you joined the structure family.

He's been talking about me ?

Relax. It's just a crush.

You should be flattered.

The next full moon
he'll have a new one.
It's his way.

I don't get you guys.
Is that all you do ?

You sit around here
and talk about men ?

Either that
or we talk about men.

Yeah, well, I think
it's really gay.

You're not out, are you ?
What ?

You're not just a newbie.
You're not even out to anyone.

I don't think
it's anyone's business.
It isn't.

I'm getting a little sick
and tired of being asked.
I can imagine.

Why do I have
to tell anyone anyway ?

Maybe I'm straight.
Maybe I'm gay.
Maybe I haven't decided.

Maybe I should say
good night.

Yeah. Good night.

You're right.
It looked lonely.

[ man ]
* baby, keep smilin'

[ dennis ] I can't decide
if my friends are the best or
worst thing that
happened to me.

Clearly, without them,
my life would be a lot
less fun, but with them,

I don't know if I'll ever be
able to have a life of my own.

Do you know what
i'm talking about ?

Do you want to keep it
short on top ?

Yeah.

I know they're my friends.

I just don't know if
I can trust any of them,
especially when it comes to men.

Every time I introduce someone,
they're all over him.

Watch your posture,
all right ?
Sorry.

Take, for instance,
the party the other night.

Taylor's boyfriend
broke up with him from hawaii.

Howie went home
with marshall again.

Benji's quasi-boyfriend
slept with cole,

and my sister ends the evening
with a plea for my sperm !

It's like
one big gay soap opera.

I keep waiting for sue ellen
to wander into my living room...

And tell me she secretly
bought controlling interest
in my oil company.

I was watching this documentary
on cable about this tribe
of monkeys in somalia.

Benji was telling me
about this documentary
he saw about a tribe of monkeys.

- In somalia.
- They hang out with each other
until mating season.

- Then just like that--
- They attack each other.
It's survival of the fittest.

I thought to myself,
that's our group.

- That's us.
- We're those monkeys.

I'm the monkey
with the image problem.

The only one who's unfazed
by anything is cole.
I mean, just look at him.

He's gorgeous,
completely straight acting.

He's the ultimate "meanwhile,"
and he has no soul.

My dad would sleep with cole.
[ exhales ]

if you ask me, cole is precisely
what's wrong with this group.

We all want to be him, but
we're all afraid to admit it.

Actually, howie would
probably admit it.

I want to be cole !
Why can't I be cole ?

Why can't god
have made me cole ?

My friends get
a haircut for this.

It's not like I want to be
cole or anything. It's just
he makes it look all so easy.

I just wish it was, you know,
that easy to let someone in ?

- To get a boyfriend--
- To be beautiful.

Thanks, betty. You always
know just what to say.

It's a gift.
* if you keep smilin' *

where is my living room ?

It's still here.
I shifted it around a little--
This is your living room.

You didn't shift my living room
around. You shifted my living
room out and your room in.

So, where is
my living room ?

Distributed evenly
around the house.
Distribute it back.

It took me all day !

Start now, you'll
be done in time to set
your curlers for bed.

Okay, dennis,
think of it this way.

A furniture arrangement
is like a new hairstyle.

You have to live with it
for a few days before you can
tell whether you like it.

That's not true.
I haven't had a shag.

I wouldn't have to live
with one for a few days
to know I don't want one.

Hey, den.
hey.

Thank god you're home.
Thanks to mufasa here
it's now a tunisian hut.

Why do I even try ?
I have amazing news.

This director who loves me is
bringing me in for this little
role in this kip rogers movie.

Terrific.
Except last week
I ran out of head shots.

You need me
to make a head shot.
Bingo.

Go get your negatives.
I love you.
You are a fucking godsend.

I hear kip rogers
is a big fag.

Kip rogers is not gay.
He's married.

Oh, please, that's right
up there with, "he's not gay.
He's in a fraternity."

My agent thinks I have
a really good shot for this one.

Says they're just
looking for a face.

Doesn't that bother you ?

What ? That people
think I'm attractive ?
That that's all they think.

[ cole ]
that's not necessarily true.

When was the last time
you got asked to audition
for a role ?

It's always they want
a look or a face
or nice eyes.

So what ?
Who gives a fuck ?
That's my way in.

What matters is whether or not
I have the shit to back it up.

I guess.
[ laughs ]

so what's up with
this kevin kid ? You like him ?

-hE's nice enough, sure.
-tHat's how you feel about him ?
He's nice enough ?

- You mean do I agree with his
opinions on the middle east ?
- Forget I asked.

My god, dennis, it's been
a week. Who knows what I feel ?

If this is going
to be another random
you sleep with and dump--

- Another ?
- Agree you don't have
the world's best track record.

- But then you're not exactly
taking home the gold.
- This isn't about me.

Maybe it should be. What is
your excuse for not settling
down with one of your scams ?

You don't even call them back.
At least I have the decency
to date them for a little while.

Which brings me to my point:

why lead somebody on
when you know it's
not gonna work out ?

Because what if it does ?

A relationship
can't be built on lust.

No more than you can
base a relationship off a cup
of coffee and good conversation,

but that works just fine
for a first date.

[ cole ]
there it is.

Well--

Have you gained weight ?
What ? Where ?

[ howie ]
I can't help it.

Every night at
about 11:00 it hits,
this awful gnawing panic...

That I'm going to have
to spend another evening alone,
so I go over there.

It's called being horny.
It's not horny.

I know horny.
I've taken an entire
lecture series on horny.

They have lecture series
on horny ?
They don't call it that.

[ bat hits ball ]
think I should paint
my toenails again ?

[ man ]
go, go, go !

Anytime you hags
want to join the game.

I hate the outfield.
There's too much action.

Hey !

Where did my mitt go ?

[ taylor ]
* oh, say, can you see

how y'all doin' ?

You ready for this ?
You ready for this one ?

[ jack ]
attaboy, taylor !

"with a monarch's voice
cry havoc and let slip
the dogs of war !"

[ whimpers ]
strike !

oh !

Our first game of the season
and they pit us against
the hollywood firemen ?

[ patrick ] not only
are they better than us,
they're a physical distraction.

- All right, let's play !
- Look at that.

[ man ]
let's go.

[ umpire ]
strike two !

If he was smart,
he'd just hurl himself
in front of the ball.

I'm telling you
it's the law of fractions.
You're insane.

Howie thinks one of
the other players is gay.

It's a known
scientific fact that one
out of every ten men is gay.

Including the bench,
they've got 11 players.
You do the math.

I dare you to
share that with them.

Thank you.

Cole ? Where's cole ?
He's up after will.

I'll get him.
Strike three !
You're out !

I don't understand
why they don't just
let me hit off the tee.

[ bat clatters on ground ]
shut up, bitches.

[ man ]
whoo !

Cole ?

[ men chattering ]

you're up in two.

Oh. Thanks, den.

hey.
hey.

[ umpire ]
strike two !

So, still deciding
if you're gay ?

I'm definitely going with the
shortstop because he's the only
one with his shirt tucked in.

Benj, hold these.

If you had to pick
a 'mo off the other team,
who would it be ?

No problem. Catcher.

Catcher ?
The biggest meanwhile
on the team is really "g" ?

The guy's
a total breeder.

First round at jack's
says I'm right.

[ jack ]
hey, hey, willie !
Who's the coach ?

Yes !
That's jack. Loves baseball
and hawaiian shirts.

Shakespeare fan, huh ?
Classically trained.

Before he opened the restaurant
he was a stage actor
in new york.

See that man ?
That's his partner of 20 years.

Plays piano at the restaurant.
Comes to all the games.

We call him purple guy
for obvious reasons.

Yeah.
[ laughs ]
wow.

hey, Mr. Catcher,

you got a name ?

Sure. It's, uh,
low and inside.

[ ball whizzes past ]
[ umpire ]
strike !

[ whistles ]
thanks for the tip.

Next time listen to me.

My friends and I have
a little bet going that...

One of you fire boys
plays in our league,
if you know what I mean.

It's interesting.
Who'd you bet on ?

you.

[ ball thuds in mitt ]
ball !

Do I win ?

What tipped you off ?

I've been up to bat twice,
and twice I've caught you
starin' at my ass.

Ball !
[ ball hits fence ]

[ laughs ]

so what are the chances
of me getting your number ?

-uH, sorry. I'm seeing someone.
-sO was i.

Strike two !
Two and two, batter.

I missed that one on purpose
so I could ask you again.

What are the chances
of getting your number ?

What are the chances
of you hitting a home run ?

[ dennis ]
yeah, cole ! Take it around.

Print neatly.

[ men chattering, laughing ]

[ clapping ]

[ children ]
* la, la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la, la *

* la, la, la, la, la, la

* sing, sing a song

* la, la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la, la *

* la, la, la, la, la, la

* la, la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la, la *

* la, la, la, la, la, la *

[ dennis ]
you ever talk to him ?
[ patrick ] purple guy ? No.

I thought I heard him say hi
to me once. Turned out
it was just a burp.

I wonder what
jack sees in him.

Whatever it is, though,
he couldn't be happier.
[ horn honking ]

the world's only
prompt lesbians.

Well, I'm off.
Wish me luck.

You're not gonna do it ?

[ shutter clicks ]

I don't get it.
Are we breaking up ?

See, that's the thing.

That you would think
there was actually
something to break up...

Implies we were
never really clear on
what we had to begin with.

That lack of clarity...

Frightens me.

What ?

[ dennis ]
what's up with them ?
[ benji ] cole's breaking up.

In the course of six innings ?
What happened ?

He got the catcher's number.
The fucker was right.

hey.
hey.

Where's kevin ?
He doesn't feel like comin'.

Obviously.
Something wrong here ?

Jig's up, Mr. Man.
We know all about this little
heartbreak hotel you're running.

And we're here
to shut that shit down.

Relax, tex. All I did
is cool things off.

Is that what you were doing
behind the bleachers ?
Cooling things off ?

[ laughs ]
[ laughs ]

I had a change of heart.
Shoot me.
You're so full of shit.

I'm a little sick of your
self-righteous attitude lately.

You toss one scam out of bed,
and suddenly you are
a saint-fuckin'-gandhi.

[ both laughing ]

you know what I meant.
Bottom line: that kid
is a newbie.

He can't even admit
to being gay.

What he needs right now are
friends, not a boyfriend.

Where are you going ?

You're right.
What he needs now are friends.

He wants to sleep with him.

Thank you !

Hey, we're going to jack's.
It's one of our many
losing traditions.

Just fuck off !
You should come !

Oh, everyone gets dumped
first time around.

It's the rule of
all newbie relationships.

What happens next ?
Do I become like you
and your friends ?

You don't even
know my friends.

I know them well enough
to know you're a bunch
of bitter, jaded--

Fags ? Go ahead.
Say it.
I wasn't gonna say that.

You should. Maybe then
you'd be less afraid
of what it means.

Why can't everything
just slow down ?

I promise. It will,
but you can't go back now.

At least go have
a cup of coffee with me ?

One condition.
What ?

West hollywood's that way.
Uh-huh.

Show me one thing you find
interesting that way.

So you come here a lot ?
You could say that.

Next to karen carpenter,
this place is the closest thing
to perfection I know.

The carpenters ?
Now that I get.

You like the carpenters ?
Oh, insanely.

Here's to your first o.g.t.
Obviously gay trait.

Mine are:
love of the carpenters,
culinary interests...

And intense fear
of blood sports.

Why be friends with a group
of people just because
you're all gay ?

That's not why we're friends.

It may be why we became friends,
but that's not
why we're friends.

Doesn't that
drive you crazy ?
Of course.

At least six times a year
I threaten to sell my place...

And move to europe
like my brother did.

Only I wouldn't go for
just a few months. I'd stay.

I'd bring my camera.
I'd finally take my time
developing a photographer's eye.

Really find my voice.

But then something happens.

My birthday,
summer parties, christmas.

A great night of dancing,
and I'm with them.

Suddenly, I can't imagine
being anywhere else,

so I stay.

Have you told anybody about
what you're going through ?

A few people.
Like ?

My sister.
That's worth
at least ten points.

It wasn't planned.
I was home last christmas,
and she caught me.

With a guy ?
No, alone. By myself,
flying solo.

Ouch ! To what,
gay porn ?
Oh, no, worse than that.

An article on
antonio sabato junior.

I thought my mom
would be cooler.
She was a '60s love child.

In high school,
she caught me smoking pot
with my friends.

All she said was,
"i hope you didn't
pay market for that."

But when I told her
I was gay, she didn't
talk to me for a month.

How is she now ?
She's better.

Still refers to
the homosexual population
as the gays.

Like they live on
her block or something.

"dennis, I see the gays
had a parade. Did you go ?"

my dad would have
been different.
You didn't tell him ?

He died before
I told anyone.

My biggest regret
he died not knowing me.

You can't say that.
I mean, maybe--
Kevin.

He died not knowing me.

[ leslie ]
we just want your sperm.
We're not asking
you to move in.

What about cousin geoffrey ?
He's got our genes.
He could donate.

Geoffrey's a promise keeper
and a card-carrying member
of the n.r.a.

He doesn't have any genes
i'm interested in.

I'm sorry.
My answer still stands.

I told you we should
have drugged him
and jerked him off.

Drugged me and j--
Do you hear this ?

This is the woman you want
to become a mother with.
She's being serious too.

You want the truth ?
Here's the truth.

You guys can't keep
a philodendron alive
for a month.

How are you going to
take care of a child ?

We haven't even discussed
the realities of what this kid's
gonna have to deal with.

Are you prepared to answer, "mom
number one, why is mom number
two's brother my father ?"

look at the three of us.
What kind of christmas card
is this going to make ?

You know what ?
I don't have to listen to this.

I'm doing this for your sister,
because she wanted
to involve you in this.

She had this funny idea
that maybe if we did,

you'd get your shit together
and start taking responsibility
for your life.

But I can see
that you'd rather not.

That's fine with me.
I'm going to get the car.

Is that what this is about,
some sort of mission
to save me ?

Patrick, when you came out,

you said it was because
you couldn't live the rest
of your life in misery,

and I have never seen you
more miserable.

[ howie ]
i'm sorry, gentlemen.
The evidence is rudimentary.

There's not a single film in
the cinema canon that paints...

A portrait of a gay man
that any of us
would aspire to be.

What are our options ?
Noble, suffering aids victims,

the friends of noble,
suffering aids victims,

compulsive sex addicts,
common street hustlers...

And the most recent addition
to the lot, stylish confidants
to lovelorn women.

Just once I'd like to see a gay
character that is not sick,

has not been laid in about
three months and is behind
on his student loans.

That's someone
you would aspire to be ?
Right ?

At least it would
be someone real.

Can you imagine if
they made a film about us,
our group of friends ?

Maybe then we wouldn't have to
go around shamefully comparing
ourselves to steel magnolias.

Goodness.
He is so sally field.

I thought I was sally field.
No, you're
shirley maclaine.

Which one am I ?

[ together ]
julia roberts.

"for your nerves, honey."

Howie ?
What are you doing here ?

I thought we agreed not
to see each other in public.
You said it was too hard.

I didn't know you were
going to be here.
We had a game today.

We always come here
after the game.
I'm telling you I forgot.

Whatever. Since you're here,
if you want to join us
for a drink.

Uh, I can't.

You can't ?
I've been trying to
tell you that I can't--

There's no tables available,
so it might be a while.

The bar's too busy, so we should
probably go to the movie anyway.

Cool.

** [ whistling ]

patrick !
I didn't see you out there.

I came in the back.

I just felt like
an emergency piece of cobbler
before I faced the crowd.

How'd it go with the girls ?

It went.

- I Miss anything ?
- Same old song.

Howie was going on
about gay cinema.

Sometimes I wonder
what you boys
would do if you weren't gay.

You'd have no identity.

It was easy when
you couldn't talk about it.
Now it's all you talk about.

Talk about it so much,
that sometimes you forget
the other things you are.

When I watch them,
it feels so strange.

It's like I'm not
even a part of it.

- They're all so much more
attractive than I am.
- Patrick.

No, you know what ?
I don't mind. Really, I don't.

I like being attractive
by association.

It's the closest I've ever
gotten to feeling beautiful.

Come help me put my dress on.

Jack, you are not
going out in drag tonight.

It's saturday.
The crowd expects it.

The madness has got to stop.
You don't even like
wearing women's clothes.

- So ?
- So, it's a disgrace to
drag performers everywhere.

Big fuckin' deal.
And it completely plays into
the whole gay stereotype.

- Again, big fucking deal.
- And your tits
are always crooked.

No shit ?
Nobody ever told me that.

Well, they are.
Here. Here. Come here.

[ laughs ]
[ laughs ]

never felt a man up before.

There. That's--
Okay. Zip me up, will ya ?

Okay. All right.

[ laughs ]

everybody can't be
the same, patrick.

Everybody can't be straight.
Everybody can't be beautiful.

Some people are
just gay and average.

We're the strongest,
I think.

[ exhales ]

[ whistling, cheering ]

whoo, whoo, whoo !
[ whistling ]

[ cheering ]
hello, boys ! Hello !

I'm sorry.
I know we were supposed
to start two hours ago,

but you know what they say.

Better latent than never.

To start with I'd like
to do a little number from
my first platinum album.

"color me jack."

Hit it, honey !

* shall we join the ladies

* yes, do, let's join
the ladies and make
one great big lady *

you sure you don't
want to come in ?

I do. I'm just not
ready for it all yet.

I have the same number
as cole's, so--
Don't worry. I'll call.

Okay. Good night.

bye.

** [ jack continues singing,
indistinct ]

hey, just checkin' a page.
hey.

I'm betting it's the fireman,
which, incidentally,
would be record time.

I just wanted to apologize
for earlier-- about kevin.

Oh, hey, no problem.

You sure ?
Yeah.

Ho-- holy shit.
Holy shit.
What is it ?

No fuckin' way.
It's my agent.
What's he saying ?

I got the part.

Oh, my god.
I got the part in the movie.
You're kidding me !

My god. I leave in a week
to shoot for a month in phoenix.

Holy shit, I got the part
in kip rogers's movie.

I'm gonna be in a movie
with kip rogers.
Incredible !

Oh, my god.
No kidding.

It's a small part,
but jesus--
I heard kip rogers was gay.

He's not gay.
He's married.

I gotta tell the other guys.
They're gonna freak.

[ exhales ]
hey, listen.

Tell the other hags
i'm leaving.
See you tomorrow.

Where are you goin' ?
To my sister's...

To see if it's not
too late to change my mind
about this baby thing.

What happened ?
Nothing.

Nothing ever happens.
That's the whole point.

You scared me.
What are you doing here ?

I wanted to let you know
I think it's great
you're dating again.

Yeah, it is.

Not that I'm
giving approval,

but I am approving.

I'm going inside.

Wait--
Howie.

Come on.
Let me come inside
just for a minute.

Until you get off ?
That is not true.

No. You'll be kind enough
to share your latest theory
why snagglepuss...

Was the first openly gay
cartoon character.

If memory serves, it's your
post-coital hashish bonfires
that sent me running.

That is such a convenient
argument. My pot smoking
is the source of our problems ?

God forbid it was
symptomatic of our
fucked-up relationship.

I'm the one that studies
relationships for a living.

Ours was quite normal.

Normal ? Wh--

When did you once express
any physical affection
outside the bedroom ?

Brian actually held
my hand in public tonight.

Do you have any idea what that's
like ? To be with someone who's
not terrified to do that ?

I congratulate Mr. Gorgeous
on his issue-less existence.

So that's what this is about.

Brian's better looking
than you,

so I matter again.

If he was ugly, you wouldn't
be here right now. Right ?

Oh. Thanks for
not answering that.

I didn't ask for much
from you, but it would be nice
if every now and then,

your attraction to me
had something to do with me.

[ door closes ]

[ howie ]
my ex is dating a print model.

A blond, goy,
print model named brian.

Could that possibly hit
more of my issues ?

He could have a big penis.
Which one of you
suggested level eight ?

I'm dying.
Bring it down to seven.

Six and I pick up lunch.
Deal. Maybe he wants
to win you back.

That's not marshall's m.o.
He doesn't have a vengeful bone
in his body. Meanwhile--

You have
the oddest taste.

Sue me.
I don't understand.

For months you've been guilty
you ended the relationship.
Finally, he's moved on.

You sound worse.
Because my guilt
I can control.

Jealousy is
out of my hands.

I'm with dennis. How can you
be jealous about something
you gave up to begin with ?

I just know it's over and you're
not going to catch me going
through any mourning cycles.

I haven't seen
princess taylor all week.

She's been on my couch
watching joan crawford movies.

When I ask him what's wrong,
he gives me this sinister look
and mutters, "phase five."

The revenge phase.

I'd remove all sharp
objects from the house.

Is that what
they're teaching you
in school, young sigmund ?

Is that the girl from
the young and the restless ?
I'm so over y&r.

I don't get it. You're excited
for him to call, but you don't
want to sleep with him.

Even if I wanted to sleep
with him, I wouldn't.

You do want to sleep with him.
Why does it have
to be about that ?

Don't you see
what happens to us ?
We come out of the closet.

We end up getting our hearts
stepped on like a twister game.

We end up becoming more bitter
than when we were in the closet.

The only thing that keeps us
from complete despair are
the friendships we develop.

Just want him to see that
before it's too late,
before he becomes jaded like us.

What you're trying to do is
save yourself by saving kevin.
It's classic projection.

You still haven't
answered my question.
no !

I don't want
to sleep with him.
Bullshit.

Hey ! Benji's
talking to idaho guy.

Who's that ?

Idaho guy is benji's
newest crush.

He's been working out near him
for weeks in the hopes that
idaho guy would notice.

Why do you call him
idaho guy ?

I don't know. He looks
like he's from idaho. It's
not one of our better ones.

I'm freaking out. I was in
the middle of my squats.

He comes over and gives me
these tips. Fate or what ?

Maybe I should
get his number.
No way, little benjamin.

Gym bunnies make
a bad name for all of us.

Their lives revolve around
sex and protein shakes.

But I'm--
And cat tranquilizers.

If you intend on experiencing
the joys of a bitter,
codependent relationship,

it's never gonna be
with a gym bunny.
I don't care.

I'm going back
over there.

I turned around
and you were gone.
I want to give you this.

That's my number.

Give me a call...
If you want.

Yeah. Definitely.

That'll be cool.

** [ dramatic ]

there's no improvement.

I didn't pack a jacket.

I hope phoenix doesn't
get cold at night.
Think we should call a doctor ?

Naw. He'll be all right.
As long as he doesn't
start boiling rabbits.

I almost forgot to tell you.
Kevin called for you
while you were at the gym.

He did ?

He said to call him back.
Sounded kind of cold.
Hope he doesn't still hate me.

They never still hate you.

Funny, isn't it ?
I'd hate me.

If it makes you feel better,
i'd hate you too.

Good luck.
Thank you very much.

[ sighs ]

[ leslie ]
what is takin' him so long ?

I don't know.

It'll just be
another minute more.
I had to make a phone call.

A phone call ?
I knew he was gonna
pull some shit.

Patrick, what happened ?

I couldn't do it.
I need material to--

They don't have material ?

The hustler oeuvre isn't
helping my cause right now.

Oh, my god.

It's embarrassing
to be seen in here.

Did you bring the stash ?
You owe me so big for this.

You know my issues
with buying porno.

Hurry up !

Hey, sorry I'm late.
Oh, no, it's cool.

** [ rock on radio ]

crank it.

[ woman ]
* such a feeling
coming over me *

* there is wonder
in the things I see *

* not a cloud--

Call me crazy, but I have
this theory. Bear with me.

I believe
there are gay numbers.

Gay numbers ?
Yeah.

Have you ever given thought
to the number 38 ?

* everything I want
the world to be *

* is coming true
especially for me *

* and the reason is clear

I've seen this sort
of thing before, detective.

The victim in the miranda case
was done the exact same way.

Cut. That was,
uh, perfect. Print.

* I'm on top of the world
looking *

* down on creation

* and the only explanation
I can find *

* is the love
that I've found *

* ever since
you've been around *

* your love put me

* on the top of the world

* top of the world

* top of the world

* top of the world *

I was so glad that
sharon set us up.

She mentioned you at her
last cleaning, but she said
you were involved.

I used to be.
I know how that goes.
Yeah, yeah.

I was in this long-term
relationship with this guy once
for five months. Five months.

He broke up with me.
He broke up with me.

He said I talked too much.
Is that not the most ridiculous
thing you've heard ?

'cause I'm
all about listening.

* telling me that things
are not the same *

* in the leaves on the trees
and the touch of the breeze *

* there's a pleasant sense
of happiness for me *

* there is only
one wish on my mind *

* when this day is through
I hope I'll find *

* tomorrow will be--

Why would a gay man
want to be a gyno ?

Most gay men can't even say
the word vagina, let alone
stare at them all day.

It never really bothered me.
It's just a word, right ?

Vagina, vagina, vagina.

It's just a word, right.

I'll tell you the word that
does get me. Clitoris.
[ dishes clattering ]

* is the love
that I've found ever since
you've been around *

* your love put me
on the top of the world **

why am I shaking ?
It's your first gay club.
You should be nervous.

If anybody attacks,
you tell them you're with me.

Nice to see you again.
Things better with
the breakup I take it ?

Breakup ?
With paul.

Paul who ?
It's phase six.

It's denial.

wow.

[ woman ]
* to love, to love yourself

* learn to love yourself

* to learn, to learn

* to love, to love yourself

* yourself, yeah, yeah

ahh !

What's goin' on ?
Been looking for you all night.
You want a drink ?

No. I have water here.

Where's idaho guy ?
Where's this new boyfriend ?

Dance floor. Everybody's here.
Come on. Come and dance.

Fly, young one.
Fly like the wind.

Come on. Dance
with your mama.

What do you think ?
Ecstasy ?
Don't know. Probably "k."

Should we talk to him ?

They said, finishing
their fourth shot.

We've all messed
around with stuff.

He's just having
a good time. Let's dance.

Dance ? We're here
to attract men, remember ?

Speak for yourself.
This body wants to groove.

Come on.

Howie ?
Howie mixner ?

Barry. We had dinner
a few weeks ago.

[ woman ]
* forget the babies 'cause
you won't have your man *

* while he is busy
loving every woman *

* that he can, oh

* says he want to leave
a thousand times a day *

* how can I turn loose

* when I just can't
break away *

* just can't break away

* young hearts, run free

* never be hung up

* hung up like my man and me

* me

* hmm, and me

* oh, young hearts

* to yourself be true

* don't be no fool

* with love when
he don't love you **

[ kevin ]
I got one. Who would
you kick out of bed ?

Morley safer or mike wallace ?

I believe this requires
a daiquiri break.

I'd say safer.

Safer all the way, but I would
kick them both out of bed
for ed bradley, circa 1980.

I'd kick wallace.
He always annoyed me.

Who's got the 30 ?
What are you
doing outside ?

Getting a base.
It's july 4.
You don't have a base yet ?

Heard from the movie star ?
No. He only called once.

I missed it.
He's too busy getting
shtupped by kip rogers.

When are you guys gonna
get over the fact...

That just because every gay man
wants kip rogers to be gay,
that doesn't mean he is gay.

I should get going.
You're not going to stay
for the party ?

No. I gotta make an appearance
at my parents' barbecue. Bye.

Have fun.
bye.

I've got another one.
Who would you kick out of bed,
the grimace or the hamburglar ?

Oh, my god.
What ?

That's a good one.
Homo say what ?

Homo say bad party lighting.

Get out.

[ knocking ]
[ man ]
kip ?

Kip !
Did you lock the door ?

I don't remember.
Shit !

kip.
One second.

[ woman ]
* I always get my man

* I always get my man

yeah.
You're gonna shoot
in five, okay ?

Terrific.
Cappuccino ?

No, thank you.
All right.

I'll see you out there.
Okay. All right.

That was close.
A little too close.

I have to cancel tonight.
My publicist wants me to do
this access hollywood
interview.

Today's my last day
of shooting.

I leave tomorrow.
What would you like me
to do about it ?

Cancel it. Tell them
you can't do it.

With what excuse ?
"sorry. I have dinner plans...

With the pretty-boy extra
i'm sleeping with."

- I'm not an extra.
- That's not what I meant.

They had me shooting
here for four weeks.

My part is integral
to the plot. I have
seven lines of dialogue.

I'm not a fucking extra.
Okay !

Okay. Sorry I
called you an extra.

Jesus.
Look.

I'll make it up to you.
I'll fly into l.a.
This weekend.

We'll go somewhere
discreet for dinner.

Okay.

Good.

Oh, and, uh,
wait about ten minutes.

Make sure no one sees you
before you leave.

[ chattering ]
** [ jazz ]

hey, having fun ?
Having fun.

Good. Hi.

Hey. There you are.

How ya doin' ?

[ sniffles ]
everything all right ?

What happened ?

You told your parents.

Kind of slipped out.

The three of us
were in the kitchen
helping with dessert.

My mom mentioned
she made key lime pie.

I said, "that's great. I love
key lime pie, and I'm gay."

I bet she wishes
she made apple pie.

They were great.
Then I started thinking. Why
was I so scared to tell them ?

Why was I so scared
to tell everyone ?

If I hadn't met you--

- I didn't do anything.
- Dennis.

[ object clatters on table ]

morning.

Gonna be late for the game.

Once more unto
the breach, dear lads !
Once more !

It's the height of irony.

Bottom of the ninth,
three men on, two outs,
our least able player
up to bat.

We're either one hit away
from our first victory ever,

or three strikes away
from going down as the worst
softball team in history.

If we could just get him
to hit it to left field.

Sad thing is, he catches
so much better than I do.

[ jack ]
come on, taylor !
You can do it ! Come on !

Whoo !
Come on ! Hey !

[ dennis ]
whoo !

[ cheering ]

[ jack ]
run, taylor, baby, run !

Great, taylor !

Attaboy !

"sweet are the uses
of adversity !"

[ man ]
"sweet are the uses
of adversity,

"which, like the toad,
ugly and venomous,

"wears yet
a precious jewel in his head;

"and this is our life,
exempt from public haunt,

"finds tongues in trees,

"books in running brooks,

"sermons in stones,

and good in everything."

Jack was a shakespeare fan.

That passage from
as you like it
was his favorite.

He would have wanted me
to share it with you today.

Other than that,
i'm not good with words.

That was jack.

I'll just play something.

Hopefully, wherever jack is,

he'll sing along.

That's what jack saw in him.

Where's brian ?
In the car.

You look terrific.

[ chuckles ]

you don't have to say anything
just because I'm standing
right in front of you.

I'm not.
I'm just saying--

Thank you.

I quit smoking pot.

It's not 'cause
we're not dating, not
because of brian. I just--

It was just time.

It's weird how you can need
something for so long,

then just not need it anymore.

Just like that.

It's so weird, you know ?
It's like he's still here.

You're on something
right now, aren't you ?

Excuse me ?

You show up late.
You look like shit.

What did that
boyfriend give you ?

He didn't give me anything.
I look like shit because
I've been crying,

unlike you, you asshole.

He wants to make sure
you're okay.

- Since I've had a boyfriend,
none of you called.
- You stopped calling.

Why can't you admit you don't
talk to me, because I'm in
a relationship and you're not ?

You're a muscle boy's plaything
for a couple of weeks.

That hardly constitutes
a relationship.

That is more than you've
ever had, ya ugly fuck.

His friends--
They're not like us.

When they go out, when they're
together, they're happy.

We're always so miserable.

We make each other miserable.

Why ?

Is it such a bad thing
to be happy ?

It is if you have to pay
30 bucks a tab for it, yeah.

Okay. What did I Miss ?

You don't want to know.

I just spoke to purple guy.
He'll meet us at the bar.

I can't go. I'm supposed
to have dinner with
some people from the film.

Maybe I'll catch up after.
Yeah.

I'm not gonna go either.
I'm gonna go home.
Talk to you guys tomorrow.

Dennis. Hey.

You should go with them.

Thought maybe we could talk
about the other night.

We haven't
really discussed--
Now's not a good time.

Could you tell me when is ?
I don't know,
but not here, not now.

You've barely looked at me
since the other night.
You've spent all week hiding.

Hiding ? Is that what
you think I've been doing ?

Can you imagine what
jack meant to me, to us ?

No, you can't.
You can't know.

Don't tell me I've been hiding.
All we did was hook up.

It's not that big a deal.
We can talk later.

You're right.
It's not a big deal.

All we did was hook up.

[ woman ]
* why do birds

* suddenly appear

* every time

* you are near

* just like me

* they long to be

* close to you

* why do stars

* fall out of the sky

* every time

* you walk by

* just like me

* they long to be

* close to you

* on the day
that you were born *

* the angels got together

* and decided to create
a dream come true *

* so they sprinkled moondust
in your hair of gold *

* and starlight
in your eyes of blue *

* that is why

* all the girls in town

* follow you

* all around

* just like me

* they long to be

* close to you

* why do stars

* fall out of the sky

* every time

* you walk by

* just like me

* they long to be

* close to you

* just like me

* they long to be

* close to you *

[ phone ringing ]

[ inhales, moans ]

hello ? Yeah,
yeah, this is he.

What ?

Jesus.

Benji waters ?
Benji waters ?

Number 120. Number 121.
Room 123.

[ beeping ]

I just got the page.
How is he ?

They pumped his stomach. We're
waiting for him to wake up.

- Can I see him ?
- No, only one
person at a time.
Patrick's in there right now.

How did this happen,
you guys ?
Isn't it obvious ?

We weren't there.

Did you two come together ?
I think that's cute.

What is his problem ?

Him and kevin slept
together last week.

You obviously came from
sleeping with kevin yourself.

Clouds lifting ?
I didn't know.

Why didn't you
tell me something ?

You could help me out.
It was a secret.

Terrific.

The one time you keep a secret
is the one time it matters.

I feel like shit.

I think that's
a scientific impossibility.

Dennis, I'm sorry.
It's all right. Don't be.

I slept with cole
to get back at you.

You did what you're
supposed to when you're 23
and just out of the closet.

I was an asshole.
I was wrong.

No, I was wrong.

When I slept with you,
I knew it couldn't lead
to a relationship.

If there's anything I've been
trying to change about myself,

that would be it.

You're not attracted to me ?

Of course I'm attracted to you.

I've been crazy about you
ever since you lit
the damn candles.

Kevin, you were the wish.

So what's the problem ?

The problem is that
i'm not ready for it.

I thought all the relationship
would take was meeting
the right person,

but it's so much more than that.

Like what ?

The fact that I'm 28 years old
and the only thing I'm good at
is being gay.

That's not true.

It is true and I'm okay with it.

I didn't get to be gay
for 25 years. I figure
I got some catching up to do.

But I need to move on.

Need to make my life
into something else,

instead of my friends
and the parties.

That's the only way
i'll have something
to give back to someone.

Do you see that ?

Tell me you see that.

Can't you move on
with someone there ?

Not if that someone has
a lot of catching up to do.

[ laughing ]
hey, guys.

Hey, hag. What'd you go
and do a thing like that for ?

I'm sorry, guys.
Yeah.

I'm sorry, patrick.

I'm sorry too.
ohh.

I am so demi moore
in st. Elmo's.

You can be demi moore
as long as I'm not ally sheedy.

I get to be
mare winningham.

I don't think anyone's
gonna fight you on that.

Which one do I get to be ?

[ group ]
rob lowe.

'cause you're so cute.
You can't help yourself.

[ chattering, laughing ]

marshall.

Marshall, I don't care
if you're not alone.

Marshall, open up.

[ door opens ]

howie ?

What you doing ?

This.

That's it !

Brian ! Please, get inside.

You told me once
that you were waiting
for me to wake up.

You didn't wait long enough.

I've never been more awake
than I am right now.

I admit I fucked up.

There would have always
been something wrong with you...

And someone better out there.

I wish I could change that.
I wish I could take back
all the times...

I didn't appreciate having you.

I'll tell you right now,
I loved you. I still love you.

It has nothing to do with me.

It has nothing to do with
how good looking he is.

It has to do with you.

Because you are sweet,
you're endearing...

And uncomplicated.

You're so beautiful.

I hope you're happy together.
I hope this works out...

And that he's everything you
need, because you deserve it.

If he's not, and it ends,

i'll be there.

It's my turn to wait.

I'm going to wait long enough.

[ woman ]
* oh, yeah
doin', doin', doin' right *

* oh, yeah, yeah

[ leslie ]
you know, you really
don't need to be here.

I'm here because
anne had a showing
and she asked me to be here.

And because the baby book says
this is an emotional event,

and no matter how tough
you think you are,
you might need somebody.

Is this ready yet ?
No, it takes a second.

Sit down and let
the man do his job.
Bite me.

Why don't you
suck my left tit ?
You know what ?

If I were in the business
of sucking tits--
Excuse me.

It's ready now.

[ beeping ]
[ doctor ]
that's the baby.

* till the end of time

* if I'm still
around tomorrow *

* will you still
be mine, oh, honey *

* oh, will you still be mine *

where have you been ?
I have a full restaurant.
I'm a waiter short.

I was at the closing
of my house. Sorry.

Sorry don't feed the bulldog.
Get your apron on.

Question. How much does purple
guy pay you to be such a bitch ?

You know what ? It's your
last night, so you don't have
to worry about that.

[ chattering ]

surprise !

[ cheering ]

I told you.

[ woman ]
* I'm gonna lock my heart
and throw away the key *

* 'cause I'm watchin' all those
tricks you play with me *

* I'm gonna turn
my back on love *

* snub the moon above
seal my windows up with tin *

* so the lovebug can't get in

I had forgotten dennis
knew this many meanwhiles.

I know. They're from
all his house parties.

Did leslie tell you ?
We saw the baby.

That is so cool ! So, is it
a patricia or a patrick, jr. ?

It's a jack.

I'm an actor.

I just shot this film
with kip rogers.
Kip rogers. Wow.

I hear he's gay.
He's not gay. He's married.

Okay, so check this shit out.
Paul called me.

He said he wants to talk.
He said he misses me,
but just as a friend.

This is a good thing. It allows
you the perfect opportunity
for the final phase...

Of all relationships--
Reconciliation.

Try closure. I told
that bitch to fuck off.

Sorry I'm late. Got stuck
in traffic on the 405.

The 405 ? I told you not
to take the freeways. L.a.
Is all about the side streets.

It's for europe. It's a
carrying case for your camera.
Got your initials on it.

I saw that guy you came with.

He's cute.
Whatever. We met at
a club a few weeks ago.

You know how it is.
Oh, yeah. I do.

I'll be back.

I'll be here.

Okay, hag. Ready
for your gift ?
Excuse us.

You didn't have
to get me a gift.

We didn't get you
anything. You did.
It was nothing, really.

Gentlemen and very few ladies,

I am pleased to present...

The premiere photo
gallery opening of budding
photojournalist, our very own,

european-bound,
mr. Dennis schiff !

[ applause, cheering ]

where did you guys get these ?

Taylor and I stole
your negatives.

This one's out of focus.

After a few drinks,
it'll look fine.

Taylor, get the pitchers.
The drinking games
are about to begin.

Let's play "who can act
straight the longest."
[ all ] yeah !

[ chattering ]

[ kevin narrating ]
a lot of people ask me
when I first knew I was gay.

Fact is, I don't know.
Can't remember.

What I do remember,
what I can recall,
is the moment
I first realized it was okay.

It was when I met
these guys, my friends.

[ woman ]
* a kiss for luck
and we're on our way *

* we've only begun

* before the rising sun

* we fly

* so many roads to choose

* start out walking
and learn to run *

* and, yes, we've just begun

* sharing horizons
that are new to us *

* watching the signs
along the way *

* talking it over
just the two of us *

* working together day to day

* together

* and when the evening comes

* we smile

* so much of life ahead

* we'll find a place
where there's room to grow *

* and, yes, we've just begun

* sharing horizons
that are new to us *

* watching the signs
along the way *

* talking it over
just the two of us *

* working together day to day

* together

* together

* and when the evening comes

* we smile

* so much of life ahead

* we find a place where
there's room to grow *

* and, yes, we've just begun *