All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S04E06.720p.WEB.x265-MiNX

My wedding to Marwa is
quickly approaching,

but treachery is
afoot. There are people

that are against me getting
married and being happy.

No one is against you
or you getting married.

Don't be so naive,
my little friend.

Conspiracy is abound! Ask
the djinn. He will tell you.

Do you wish to know if
conspiracies abound?

No! Stop trying to trick me
into using up all my wishes.

You're just not thinking
straight, Master.

Maybe it's because you haven't slept in a week?

Nandor is so
hyper-focused on having

the perfect wedding, he
doesn't even slumber anymore.

He just lies awake all day,
thinking of more things

to make the wedding
even more perfect.

Ah.

More things. More.

More, more, more.

Maybe you are the one who
is not thinking straight

because you have
not slept in a week!

Yeah, no. I'm awake,
I'm awake. I was just...

I was just... Uh, my eyes
were just a little, just...

What were we talking about?

We were just
talking about how hard

you're working on the wedding.

Yeah, no, it's true. I haven't
slept in a week, but I guess

that's what it's like to be
the best man to a vampire

who is absolutely
losing his fucking mind

because he wants to have
the perfect fucking wedding!

Can I do that last part again?

Just without the
cursing this time?

Twirl it.

Mm, no.

You know, I've always dreamed
of having a big wedding.

Or at least since that time

that we watched
The Wedding Planner

on that rainy Sunday together.

- That was nice.
- It was okay.

Knock, knock.

- Come in, my love. Hi.
- Hey.

I wanted to ask you about
the flower arrangements.

Yes. Red and black roses.

But I was really hoping we
could go for white and pink.

That's... What about
the black and the red?

No.

I will have Guillermo look
into it straightaway for you.

Thank you, my love.
Thank you, Guillermo.

- Of course.
- Bye.

You see?

Even my own bride is trying
to sabotage this wedding

with her insane demands!

- Enough.
- But... what?

So you're just going to
abandon me in my darkest hour?

No one's trying to sabotage
your wedding, okay?

- Pull yourself together.
- You pull yourself together.

And you do not snap at me.

- I'll snap at you.
- You just did.

Nandor, quick question.

Did you invite Sean and
Charmaine to your wedding?

Why would I do that? It is an
all-vampire wedding, Laszlo.

But I think he would
be greatly offended

- if you didn't invite him.
- Okay, fine.

Guillermo, figure out
a way to make it work.

- Good man.
- His request

for a human plus-two
is all too transparent.

Add another name to the list
of people that are against me

and my wedding.

Oh, perhaps I should add
your name to the list, also?

How much do you want
some of this stuff?

'Cause you literally
have a genie...

- A djinn.
- Who can solve

all these problems, but no.

You don't want to use any
of your precious wishes.

Well, P. S.: you're gonna
have to, because some of these

things are literally impossible.

- Like what? Name one.
- Oh, one? Um, I don't know.

You want a live dodo bird to
roast for the wraiths to eat.

Oh, you would deny the servants
a hearty meal of their own?

- Can't we just do turkey?
- No!

It has be a dodo.
What's the problem here?

They're very slow birds,
very easy to catch.

- They're everywhere!
- Not anymore!

- Since when?
- 1681!

- You'll figure it out.
- I'll figure it out.

Oh.

The nightclub
needs cheaper drinks.

No, we want the drinks
to be very expensive,

so then we attract rich humans.

Am I right? They
gorge themselves

on sauces and creams,

and get their
muscles massaged. Oh.

Rich humans are
basically like veal...

Conceptually repulsive, but
so buttery on my tongue.

Hello?

Hello?

What the fuck?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Mm, my goodness.

Guillermo, did you kick
five holes in the wall

- and then fuck a chicken?
- Hmm.

- No.
- What happened to the lamp?

You know what?

I think this little feller
is having a tantrum.

Is this true, Guillermo?
Is Nandor's wedding

making you put your
knickers inside a twist?

It's just too much
for you, isn't it?

- Let him speak.
- I'm perfectly fine to...

Say no more. We can help.

- Okay.
- Let's see here, let's see here.

Oh, well, getting a dodo bird
is easy. That's no problem.

- It is?
- Yes, I have an antique dodo bird net

in the Chamber of Curiosities.
You can borrow it.

It is obviously

not in my nature to
want to help Guillermo.

Don't put your back out
being grateful.

But because he is the
nightclub's accountant, I really

need him to not have a stroke.

The Baron has not
gotten back to you

about officiating
the wedding ceremony?

- Hey.
- Yes.

We will take care of The
Baron so then you can turn all

of your attentions to
catching the dodo bird.

Oh, wow. That feels

really weird being
so nice. Ooh.

He is a good boy.

Would either of you
like to give him

- a little scritchie?
- No, but...

- - Oh.
- Eeh.

Of course, I am so flattered
that Nandor asked me

to officiate his wedding

- to the beautiful and charming what's-her-name.
- Hmm.

- Marwa.
- Gesundheit.

But what you ask of me...

- It is simply not possible.
- Baron,

everyone who's anyone who's
a vampire is going be there.

Yes, I am aware of that.

I am sorry.

But look at my wretched state.

Oh, I could not bear
so many witnesses

to this tattered vessel.

Once they dined on
the lavish feast

that was my visage,

but now, well, I serve them

only a charred and
flaking peasant's crust.

-Oh. You look great.
-Yes, -Oh.

- Never looked better.
- Oh, you are too kind.

- We're being honest.
- Yeah, it's the truth.

But I am not the
dashing, radiant being

that I once was.

I think I might know
just what you need.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That he's still fuckable

- even though he looks like a burnt log?
- No.

Obviously, he's fuckable.
I mean, come on.

I am thinking that somebody

needs a...

- makeover. Makeover.
- Makeover.

- Okay, what about this one?
- It's just kind of what

you're wearing right now.

Back in Al-Qolnidar, I would
just wear the severed penis

of an enemy on a sling made
from his dismembered intestines.

- This is a wedding tradition?
- No.

For me, that was
a Tuesday night.

Nothing? Okay, whatever.

- Nandor?
- Yes, my love?

-I was just looking through
the guest list -Mm-hmm.

And I noticed that my
parents are not on here.

They had a prior engagement
of being very dead.

I just always thought my
parents would be there

for my wedding day.

Okay, fine. I will
see what I can do.

Thank you.

How many
wishes do I have?

- You know I can't tell you that.
- Eh.

Okay, fine. I wish

for you to bring Marwa's parents
back to life for the wedding.

- And do you want them to speak English?
- Sure. Why not?

Do you want to bring them back
to life permanently, or-or...?

Eh, just for the
weekend is fine.

- It is done.
- Baba-joon! Maman!

- Oh, my dearest.
- Where is that

- idiot husband of yours?
- Baba, please.

On second thoughts,

maybe an early departure
on Sunday after brunch.

Oh, and for
the chocolate fountain...

It's possible to just
put stuff on that

that's not necessarily
chocolate, right?

- Like what?
- What? We want, uh, it...

- I'm not sure yet, but it's...
- Yes, that's fine.

Okay, it's fine?
Can I get a couple

of those, uh, five-hour
energy capsules, please?

Talking about the normal ones
or the kinds for your dick?

Derek. Sorry, one
se-one second.

- Derek, what are you doing here?
- I'm working.

- Working? You're a vampire.
- Hush.

And being a vampire doesn't
exactly pay the bills, so...

- What bills?
- Clothes, coffin,

storage facility for the
coffin. Which, by the way,

I'm not allowed to sleep in,

but whatever. But, you know,

it's not a bad gig.

Why don't you just take
money from the peop...

from the victims that you kill?

Because I'm a
vampire, not a thief.

All right, so that's $16.56.

-18, 19, and 20. What's going on, my man?
-Thanks.

I'm-I'm good. I just... Oh.

It's the flower people.
I have to take... I have

- to take this. Hello. Guillermo.
- Oh, okay.

Great shooting the
shit with you, man.

- Mm-hmm.
- Really good.

In fact, good to talk
to, well, anyone.

I'm sorry, can you give
me one se-one second?

Really quick, one second.

Derek?

- Are you okay?
- Ye-Yeah.

Yeah. No. Ish.

You know, it's really lonely

being a-a vampire.

Say, do you want a
key cut or something?

Do you want to go to
a vampire wedding?

- I do.
- I'll send you the info?

-Yeah. Text it to me.
-I'll text it to you. I have to go,

- though, okay? Okay.
- Okay. Cool.

- Wait. You had my number this whole ti... Mm.
- Hello?

- Yeah. I have to go.
- Hmm. Okay, yeah.

I am not being

greedy with my wishes.

I simply do not
have that many left.

- How many do you have left?
- Not many.

- Ay...
- Well, poor Guillermo.

He's about to have
a nervous breakdown

with all this stuff
he has to get done.

- Boo-fucking-hoo.
- She's right.

And it's a terrible thing
when you work with someone,

and all you want to
do is please them,

but they treat you like a
piece of human shit they wish

they could just scrape off
the sole of their shoe.

- What?
- Huh?

Nandor, what is the
point in having a djinn

if you're not going
to use the djinn?

- Uh...
- With all due respect,

you are being a real bridezilla.

- I don't know what that is.
- Oh, it's like

a combination of a
bride and a Godzilla.

What is a Godzilla?

Okay, I think we're getting
a little bit off-topic.

He's a giant lizard creature
that destroys cities.

- Enough!
- Whoa!

Whoa! Fuck!

- You were saying?
- Nandor,

if you want these
impossible things,

then you're going to
have to use your wishes.

Okay, fine! I wish for
Baron Afanas to be returned

to his original, non-burnt-up,
non-just-a-torso form.

- It is done.
- I wish for a live dodo bird

that we will slaughter and roast

and feed to the
Wraith waitstaff.

- It is done.
- And while we're at it,

I wish that Marwa would like
all the same things that I like.

- Ah. - It is done.
- And I wish that...

I'm sorry, but you've used
up all your wishes now.

- What?
- Well, it's been, um...

- Yes, yeah. Happy now?
- I just got everything

-I wanted out of this, so... Yeah, big smile.
-Hmm.

Okay, I wish for you
all to get the fuck

- out of my bedroom.
- Okay, I can do that. -

- This season...
- Game face.

The boys are back with
even bigger flips.

More demo, more laughs...

Remove those blindfolds.

And even more
surprises than before.

Tuesdays at 9:00.

I am very glad that

my wedding will now be perfect.

I do feel a little
sad that I had

to use up all my
wishes to make it so.

Hmm. Looking back,

I probably should not

have used up so many wishes
on such trivial things.

I wish for the lid of
my coffin to be closed.

Are you sure? I can
just go fetch Guillermo.

With Guillermo, it
will be a whole thing.

Ah.

Guillermo.

The dodo did a doo-doo.

Sean and
Charmaine Rinaldi,

you will not be freaked out

that almost everyone
at this wedding

is a vampire.

And tomorrow morning,

you will remember

Three-quarters full, and
people are still coming in.

Yes, I can hear them. I can
hear their hushed whispers.

Hoping and praying for
a disaster that will

prevent my nuptials
from being finalized.

Will you listen to yourself?
'Cause maybe it's you

who's actually not too
sure about this wedding.

And maybe you're the one
trying to sabotage it

by accusing everyone
else of being against it.

Can you blame me for
being a little afraid?

It's a big step for me.

Hey, it's gonna be okay.

You're gonna be okay.

I'm gonna be right
here by your side.

So, if you're scared,
I'll be right there.

I never said I was scared.

I said I was afraid.
There's a difference.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

- Well, if you get afraid, I'll be there.
- Yes.

Thank you, Guillermo.

You're my best...

man.

- You're a vampire, too?
- Yes, I am.

Get the fuck out of here.

That's so cool. Sean Rinaldi.

This is my wife Charmaine.

And now, it gives
me great pleasure

to introduce
tonight's officiant,

a legend of the
vampire world for over

ten centuries,

please give it up
for Baron Afanas!

- - Now we're talking.
- Here we go.

Look at that.

Oh, yes, that'll do.

That will
do very nicely.

I'm as
stiff as a board.

Make
way. Coming through.

Please rise for the bride.

Beautiful!

- Wow.
- Oh, there we are.

- Lovely.
- You look beautiful.

- Hi. - Mm.
- You may sit.

Sit down, sit down.

Let's leave it.

Dearly benighted,

we gather here tonight

to join these two
in unholy matrimony.

- I'll be all over that later.
- Not to bore you

with a long speech
because, well,

it is not just the
bride and groom

who are eager to get
down to some fornicating.

- Am I right?
- Yow! Yow!

So, before they exchange rings,

I must ask if anyone
here can show just cause

why Nandor and Marwa
may not be lawfully wed.

Speak now or forever
hold your peace.

- There's no one disagreeing.
- Then,

- by the power vested in...
- I object.

Whoa.

- Mama, please.
- Awkward.

I told you.

- Didn't I tell you?
- Yes.

A vampire marrying a woman
he was already married to,

but then abandoned
to die alone, only

to be brought back to
life by djinn magic?

It's just not natural.

Mother, this is what I want.

But I can't just
not say anything.

Well, you could try.

So awkward.

So... that happened.

- Now, with no further ado...
- I, too, object.

- The fuck?
- I sort of feel like

this is more about
Nandor wanting a wedding,

and wear a big dress,
than actually wanting

to be married to
Marwa. Facts are facts.

- I'm gonna sit down. I'm done. Proceed.
- Thank you for that.

Well,
anybody else?

Actually, yes, I thought of something else.

Oh.

I just want to
conclude by saying

I think all marriage
is a sham.

Apart from my own marriage

to my darling wife
Nadja over there.

The very first time I met
Nandor the Relentless,

- I fell deeply in love with him.
- Ooh!

'Course, as I got
to know him better,

that feeling faded.

But the memory

of that one-sided passion

is still too much

for me to give this marriage
my full endorsement. Thank you.

Hello. Um, my name is Derek.

- Who invited this guy?
- I'm just a bit bummed

these two can find love and
get married, but I can't

find one chill bud to
have a bull sesh with?

I only very recently
became aware

that vampires are real.

Which, by the way, doesn't
freak me out at all.

- Mm.
- It got me to thinking.

- Everlasting life.
- Aw.

You know? That's a long time.

Long time to be
with another person.

You like her right now, but...

Marwa, I just want to say that
I think it's a little rude

that you haven't
stopped by my house.

You're new to the neighborhood.
You haven't bought any, like,

cookies or anything.
That's what people do.

Nope. Sorry, we
do not validate.

Once again, for the last time,
please do not get in line

to ask if we validate.

G-Get on with it.

I cannot tell you how moved I am

- to see you all gathered here.
- Since when did The Sire speak English?

Oh, I taught him.
Flashcards, mostly.

- Hmm.
- Time lays waste to all.

And love turns to dust.

Ruin is inevitable.

And all else is prelude.

He's got a point.

Thank you for that.

Next it's...
The Guide again.

I forgot to say earlier,

I also fell deeply in love

with Marwa when I first met her.

Enough of this bullshit!
I've had enough!

I know what you are doing.

You're plotting against me.

Fuck you.

- And I agree with him.
- Thank you.

I admit,

I have had my doubts about
this marriage, as well.

I almost
called it off more than once.

- What?
- But then, yesterday, a feeling came over me.

And I realized that
if this is what

- Oh.
- Oh, fuck.

- Then it is what I want, also.
- Oh.

'Cause when it comes to Nandor,

I like what he likes.

Marwa, I must ask,

when did this
moment come over you

where you realized that

whatever I like, you like also?

Yesterday evening.

Was it early evening or late?

Late evening.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Yes.

I'd forgotten how handsome
a vampire the Baron is.

Oh, yes, he's
absolutely delicious.

I must confess we
had a little quickie

in the cloakroom
after the ceremony.

- As good as you remembered?
- Oh, so much better.

Right. Well, then
don't mind if I do.

- Oh, enjoy, my love. Ooh.
- I bloody will.

I say there, Baron,

fantastic to see you returned
to your former glory.

I have been wanting to have a
private word with you, Laszlo.

If you would be so
good as to meet me

in the coatroom in five minutes.

Oh, yes. I think
I can manage that.

Ah. Oh.

- Baba, let's dance.
- So.

So.

I suppose later tonight

is when you will
make her a vampire

so that the two of
you can be together

forever and ever

and all eternity.

We will see.

Yes, just as I thought.

So that was great.

-Then other times, I
hit, uh, -Thank you.

Dyker Beach... which, yes,
it's a public course...

But, oh, man, I mean, they
really take care of the greens.

So you, uh, get out
to the links often?

I hear that.

Ah...

Guillermo.

- Marwa.
- Hi.

- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.

Congratulations.

You have done such a wonderful
job tonight, Guillermo.

Oh, no.

I don't know what I
would do without you.

- Mmm.
- Oh. Thank you.

- Oh.
- That's... Thank...

Oh, well, that's a lot
of kissing.

- Mmm.
- Thank you. Wow.

- Hey, bro.
- Hey! Fu...

I got you a little,
uh, wedding present.

A brand-new djinn lamp.

- What?
- It's a little small.

This one only has three wishes,
so use them wisely, huh?

Could I use one of the wishes

to wish for a
thousand more wishes?

- No.
- Eh. Thanks for nothing.

- Should I put hair on it?
- It looks much better.

- Hey!
- Uh-oh.

Little Colin Robinson,
what are you doing?

Shoo, you little rascal!

- Run, Colin, run!
- Go, go, go, go!

Oh.

It's okay. Back to sleep.

Back to sleep.

So, this
song is called "The House Mate."

Nandor has, uh,

really wasted a lot of wishes

- on stupid things.
- Yee-haw!

It's the bee's buzz!
What a good bee you are.

Oh, hey! So fun!

Okay, now.

But it's not
my job to judge.

Hey... No, I-I said I
wanted to play one-on-one

with the real guy, not
the cardboard cutout guy.

I should have been
more specific.

Three points! Hey!

- Sean? Oh, Seanie.
- Shut the fuck up.

What's wrong with you?!

- What did you do last night?
- Jesus.

Uh... I don't...

- What?
- I don't remember.

I must have really torn
one up, huh?

Wait a minute.
Weren't you there?

No. I was in bed by 9:00.

Aw, shit. You know what,

I think I had one of those
CBD gummies Brenda gave me.

They make me fucking crazy.

- Just get up.
- That's why you don't do the marijuana.

Oh, my God. I would never do
the marijuana. That's a drug.

-That's drugs. Come on. Let's go.
-What do you think CBD is?!

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