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upbeat music
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Woo!
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Let's go!
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Ahh!
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Woo!
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Whoo!
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Ahh!
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If you ever
change your mind
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If you ever
change your mind
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Would you continue to
make me the happiest person in
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the world?
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mellow ambient music
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I broke it.
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I broke it.
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Yeah.
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'You Just Don't Understand.'
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Is that
what the title says?
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That's the title, yeah.
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You should take
that home and read it.
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No, I should read the
book 'I Just Don't Understand.'
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I just don't understand.
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I just-- I just
don't understand.
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Shut up.
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I just-- ah, I just...
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Shut up.
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I don't understand.
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Just shut up.
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We met within the context of an
open relationship at a time in
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our lives where, you know, he,
um-- I was exploring things and
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he was exploring
different things,
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and we kind of met.
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Generally, what kind of things?
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Um, a more...
open sex life.
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More sexually, sexually.
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Yeah.
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We were both
exploring sexually.
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Mm-hm.
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So he and
I are, separately,
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serial monogamists, right?
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From one relationship
to another to another,
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and I think for both of us, we
realized sex doesn't have to
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mean one person for
the rest of your life,
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it can happen within
the confines of an
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emotionally-committed
relationship.
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And I think that's what
attracted both of us to each
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other, right?
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And created that bond.
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Did you bring other people
into your shared sex life?
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Yes, mm-hm.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And how did that
work for the two of you?
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Yeah, I think at
the time, like,
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I always looked at it as,
like, we were kind of our,
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00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:07,062
like, exploration
buddies, you know?
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And that's kind of where the
relationship flourished from
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there.
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And did that
stop at some point?
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So boundaries became a
huge issue, and we did--
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So who wanted
what kind of boundary?
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I think when we
first got together,
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the boundaries were that we only
dated other people together as a
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couple.
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And then, you know, just
scheduling issues became
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difficult, whatever, and so she
started dating someone on her
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own.
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So then, we decided to
try that for a while.
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But then, his
boundaries were "Okay,
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you can't go on
long walks with them,
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you can't cuddle,
you can't do this,
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you can't do that--"
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Well, that's
going way back though.
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Hold on, hold on.
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Meaning you can't do
things that are--
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I can't do "monogamous"
relationship things with other
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people, and--
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You can do pure sexual...?
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Just pure sex,
show up for the sex--
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Got it.
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Put your clothes
on, and come home.
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Got it.
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And for me,
that's not sexy to me.
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I don't operate,
you know, like that.
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So he had a problem with how I
was going to be intimate with
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someone else.
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But then, when we were looking
for other people to date,
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he was having a hard time,
because most guys will respond
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to me, but for guys,
it's much more difficult.
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So sometimes, I would help
him write the notes to the
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prospects, right?
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And it worked.
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But I think when he
started seeing other people,
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there was that
switch that flipped,
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and all a sudden, "Oh!
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Oh, I can do this with them.
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Oh, I can do that with them.
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Oh, that's okay, this is okay,
so it's a free-for-all now."
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So he would disappear
for three to four hours,
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not check in, no text, nothing.
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And I think at that time, it
wasn't so much I was jealous,
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it was just, hello?
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We're in a relationship
where we have other people,
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so you need to be more
mindful of who your primary is.
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This is someone who
told me I can't do X,
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Y, and Z, and all of a
sudden, he's out doing X,
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Y, and Z.
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You were upset.
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00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,309
Yeah.
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The deeper issue is really--
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Feeling left out.
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I feel fucking left out,
and that's not what this
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00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:15,857
relationship is about.
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That's not what--
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What's-- you're
smiling because?
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Because the irony is, like...
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she's saying she
feels left out.
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It's always people
trying to include her.
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Like...
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I love how you don't take any
accountability for how you make
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me feel.
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It's not about them, okay?
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00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,874
What would you
want Will to say?
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What would be a way that he
could convey to you that he is
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taking some responsibility?
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What would it sound like?
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I guess I would
love it if he says,
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"You know what, you're more
important to me than all these
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other people."
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Mm-hm.
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00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:50,392
Is there a way that you can
communicate to her that she is
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important?
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That she is actually
the most important?
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I feel like anytime I tell
her how I feel about her,
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she just says, "No, you don't.
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That's not how you feel."
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Or...
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So part of you feels defeated.
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00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:06,241
Yeah.
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00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:08,535
I try to reassure
her with words,
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00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:10,537
she either calls it
bullshit or says,
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00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:13,707
"No, you don't," you know?
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Or I, you know, try to show her
with small actions and things,
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and she says that's not enough
or that's not good enough or...
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Mm-hm.
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00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:26,219
This is what causes me probably
the most stress and anxiety in
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this relationship is just trying
to always figure out how to make
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her happy and
always failing at that.
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00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,602
Yeah.
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00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:40,734
And, yeah, I feel like I've
racked my brain endlessly and
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00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:45,238
have lost countless hours
of sleep over it and just...
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00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,741
trying to think of things to
do and always coming up short.
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Mm-hm.
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00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,786
Well...
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00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,581
what are you hearing, Ping?
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00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,249
Honestly?
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Just a whole lot of whining.
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"Bullshit," yeah.
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That's what I hear a lot too.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Because, you know, he makes it
seem like I'm this shrew running
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00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,761
around -- "Pay attention
to me, pay attention to me,
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00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:11,097
I need-- I need this, I
need that" -- and I don't.
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00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,935
Wait, I'm a little, um,
concerned about what's happening
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right now.
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00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:21,274
Are you thinking for a second
about what Will is saying to
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you?
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About his experience?
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Yes.
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00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,823
And your response to that
is that is a whole lot of...
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Whining.
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Whining.
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It's hard to know what to do...
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in my seat with that response.
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Because if I can't rely on
the two of you of having some
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00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:47,592
concern for each other, I don't
know what we're doing here.
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But this growing
resentment that I have for him,
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it's not from any one incident,
it's from all of these incidents
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00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:57,978
where I see him
choosing himself,
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00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:00,355
choosing his needs, putting his
needs-- putting someone else's
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00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,982
needs in front of mine.
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00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:02,857
So you know what?
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Fuck you.
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All I hear is whining.
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I don't fucking care.
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00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,656
I am the person that
he can come home to,
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00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:12,826
he can get comfortable, sit
around and fart and be himself.
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00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,327
But he won't do that
with other people.
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00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:15,161
Mm-hm.
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00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:15,745
You know?
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00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:17,539
He puts on his best
self for other people,
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not for me.
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"Virginia Wolf" by
The Procussions
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She gets mad when I
don't say enough
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She mad when I'm
around, mad I'm outta town
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00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,356
She tellin' me I
ain't doin' much
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And my job is
only barely a job
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00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:48,862
I'm like a child in my
sandbox playin' house
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Oblivious to a fault,
content being ignored
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00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,867
I'm absent, a bore,
and on top of it all
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00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:56,703
Obnoxious, and I don't
bring her flowers anymore
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00:08:56,745 --> 00:09:01,082
Thinkin' maybe I
should just leave you...
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00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,170
Oof.
203
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:10,050
So we're just-- we
talk about everything?
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00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:12,343
Everything.
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00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,930
Okay.
206
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:19,392
It's a waste if
we don't for us.
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00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,853
Yeah.
208
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,229
Right?
209
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,440
Yeah.
210
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,569
Josh and I are at
such an interesting place in our
211
00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:31,237
marriage.
212
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,907
We've kind of...
213
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:37,744
done everything to each other,
or experienced everything in a
214
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:42,415
marriage or relationship
that you could to try and...
215
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:43,917
break it up.
216
00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:44,918
Uh-huh.
217
00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:47,921
And we
are still here.
218
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,130
Okay.
219
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,924
I feel like we
are at a place
220
00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:53,093
where we're kind
of done doing
221
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,929
all of those things.
222
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:58,098
But all of
those things you're--
223
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,141
Like all of the things
we could do to somehow--
224
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:01,267
To test?
225
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:02,769
Test, yes, that's
the perfect word.
226
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,437
To test.
227
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:07,107
So we're here, but we
did all that testing,
228
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,734
so there's a lot of, like...
229
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,277
Scar tissue.
230
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:12,445
So much scar tissue.
231
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:13,446
Mm-hm.
232
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,115
I mean, we can...
233
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:18,118
Yeah.
234
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,619
Do you
wanna jump in, Josh?
235
00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:20,620
No, I'm just
feeling so nervous,
236
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:21,454
I just feel a little nervous.
237
00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:22,122
Nervous sitting here?
238
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:22,747
Yeah.
239
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:27,127
But maybe say more
specifically nervous about...
240
00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:31,339
I think you're afraid of me, A.
241
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:34,300
And B, I think what you
were just about to say.
242
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:37,137
I think I'm afraid of...
243
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:40,640
I think I get scared by
what the truth might...
244
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,143
Be.
245
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,019
Be, and cause to happen.
246
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:46,521
-You know?
-Mm-hm.
247
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,356
-Like, the fall--
-Consequences.
248
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,483
The consequence.
249
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:52,861
How do you mean that?
250
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:56,322
Both of us have, um...
251
00:10:56,364 --> 00:11:00,034
had infidelities, and...
252
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:06,040
I think there's a lot
of, like, anger still.
253
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,709
Yeah.
254
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,836
Say more about that.
255
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:14,215
I think I'm waiting for Josh
to openly discuss the pain--
256
00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:19,053
whatever emotions he has
around it for himself.
257
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,892
I think I have felt like...
258
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:26,686
"Okay, well, now that
stuff is in our past,
259
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,688
so we're not supposed to
talk about it anymore,"
260
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,856
and so I think that's--
261
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,065
Because?
262
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,695
You know, honestly, I think
it's my worry about getting her
263
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:36,362
upset.
264
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:37,530
Mm-hm.
265
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,574
I don't like that answer.
266
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,036
I-- I don't know.
267
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:47,081
So there's, like, a
cover-up operation going on.
268
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,042
Mm.
269
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,210
Oh, yeah.
270
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,670
-Mm.
-I don't know.
271
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,589
Oh, yeah, then I'm like, "Well,
yeah, I wanna say the thing
272
00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:55,715
that's gonna make
her feel better."
273
00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:56,382
-Right.
-Ugh.
274
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,384
"Is it the tru-- I
don't know if it's the truth.
275
00:11:58,426 --> 00:11:59,761
-Maybe it is.
-Right, it becomes then
276
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,221
difficult to know
what's going on, yeah.
277
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,722
But if it's going to
make her feel better,
278
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:04,265
then maybe I should
just say that thing."
279
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:05,266
No!
280
00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:07,435
I don't want to do this anymore.
281
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:08,186
Right, right.
282
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:11,898
I don't wanna make him feel
like he's being masked or like
283
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,399
he can't speak his truth.
284
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,068
Right.
285
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:22,075
I would like to know,
finally, how angry he is.
286
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:22,867
Mm-hm.
287
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:26,788
But there's also a part of
me that worries if he actually
288
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,250
allows himself to say what
he really thinks that...
289
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:36,422
it might be something that would
make him actually really look
290
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:40,593
and realize that he doesn't
want to be married to me.
291
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,601
I
just wanna heal this.
292
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:49,936
I just wanna heal this.
293
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:52,480
Mm-hm.
294
00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:57,902
soft ambient music
295
00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:04,284
I think people
have way more capacity to bear
296
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:07,412
difficult truths
than they trust.
297
00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:14,002
But there's this
overall feeling of fear...
298
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:15,670
Hm.
299
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:16,796
Of what's gonna
happen to them
300
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:19,340
if they really
engage with treatment.
301
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,842
Yeah.
302
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:23,803
But I think part of the fear
is the fear of attack of your
303
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:24,679
partner.
304
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:25,972
You know, "What's she gonna say?
305
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,182
What's she gonna do?"
306
00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,810
The truth
wants to come out,
307
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:33,146
and then there's a fear that
it's gonna destroy something.
308
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,356
Right.
309
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:39,152
If you could upset me,
then you could hurt me.
310
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:41,696
I don't wanna be hurt.
311
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,826
It forces you to
confront yourself and what you
312
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:50,997
think you know about yourself,
and then it forces you to
313
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,166
confront your partner.
314
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:56,336
You have made me
question everything that you do.
315
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:57,837
I don't know what
else there is to say!
316
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:58,880
like...
317
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,507
I shouldn't have
to deal with this.
318
00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:04,177
There's no way
that you can hide from it.
319
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,803
I knew this was all gonna
come out and that obviously,
320
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,138
I'm gonna be the asshole.
321
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,307
I don't know what
you want from me.
322
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:15,229
So it takes
a whole lot of courage
323
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,649
just to walk into the room.
324
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:23,237
It smells so nice in here.
325
00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:31,871
Tell me
about yourselves.
326
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,748
I'm
originally from Georgia.
327
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,375
I'm a Broadway performer.
328
00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,376
What kind of performer?
329
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:37,835
A dancer.
330
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,046
I've been in a Broadway
show for eight years now.
331
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:40,922
Wow.
332
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:41,714
Yeah.
333
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:42,423
What's the show?
334
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:43,216
'The Lion King.'
335
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:44,092
'The Lion King,' cool.
336
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,218
Yeah, yeah.
337
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:47,220
The month after I
got in, I met him.
338
00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:51,224
We dated for four years, and
that was a whirlwind of drama.
339
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:55,895
I-- I feel like there's
definitely underlining issues we
340
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:56,771
struggle with.
341
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:57,730
Mm-hm.
342
00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:59,273
And...
343
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:02,068
sometimes, it shouldn't
be as stressful as it...
344
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:04,445
It doesn't have to be
as stressful or as hard.
345
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,780
Yeah.
346
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:10,410
Yeah, and I think that
as African-Americans,
347
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:14,956
I feel like we come into
relationships with a lot of...
348
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:19,252
trauma that we're not
necessarily willing to
349
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:20,586
acknowledge.
350
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:21,754
Mm-hm.
351
00:15:21,796 --> 00:15:25,258
And there has to
be a lot of, uh,
352
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:29,137
self-searching, if you
will, in order to...
353
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,806
you know, realize how it
affects your relationship.
354
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:33,141
Yeah.
355
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,435
Yeah, like I'm from
an immigrant family;
356
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,478
I came here as an
immigrant child.
357
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,272
Describe the background.
358
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:40,481
I was born in Guyana.
359
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:41,232
Mm-hm.
360
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:45,153
And we moved to Antigua when
we were about-- when I was about
361
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:47,113
four years old.
362
00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:50,116
Um, and then moved up
here when I was about 14,
363
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,451
15.
364
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,619
You know, coming from
a different country,
365
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,122
you know, this rude
awakening of New York City and,
366
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:59,792
you know, being different and
kids always made fun of me.
367
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,961
Um..
368
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:02,628
you know, so I--
369
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:03,463
The accent, too.
370
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:05,465
Yeah, my accent as well, yeah.
371
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:06,674
Well, you don't
have it anymore, but--
372
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:10,928
Yeah, she always says that
I changed myself because...
373
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:14,849
most of the times, my accent
is not recognizable anymore.
374
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:15,641
Right.
375
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:19,312
Yeah, just about his
entire family still has their,
376
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:21,314
uh, what I would call
their "native tongue,"
377
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:22,482
their accent.
378
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:23,816
But he doesn't.
379
00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,359
And I found that
very interesting.
380
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:26,819
It is interesting.
381
00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:28,863
So yeah, with my
accent, you know,
382
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:32,325
I started to train
myself how to speak.
383
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:35,870
How to speak so that kids
will find you more like them.
384
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:38,206
Yeah, like I would--
you know, as a kid,
385
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:40,374
I would talk to myself in
the mirror and build my own
386
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:41,667
confidence.
387
00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:42,251
But, you know--
388
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,670
That's a big thing
with this relationship.
389
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:48,049
He has done a really good job
of building his self-confidence.
390
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,510
I always joke and say,
like, he loves him some him.
391
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:51,969
Mm-hm.
392
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:56,516
But, um, he makes
me feel like an insecure or,
393
00:16:56,557 --> 00:17:00,686
um, small person
sometimes, you know,
394
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,855
when he makes comments like "I
don't know if you're gonna be a
395
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:03,898
hands on mom."
396
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:05,024
Mm-hm.
397
00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:06,192
I feel judged.
398
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:06,859
Mm-hm.
399
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:09,195
And that's when I
get angry and aggressive.
400
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:13,366
And once I'm at
that level, um...
401
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:16,577
I just-- I can't
pull myself back.
402
00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:20,748
I just-- and I say
really hurtful things.
403
00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,584
How does it sound
between the two of you?
404
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:26,045
Um...
405
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:31,384
We-- we had a-- we
just had a child,
406
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,927
uh, whose 11 months.
407
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:34,554
Well, she's gonna be
11 months on Friday.
408
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:35,721
Yeah.
409
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:38,432
And, uh...
410
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:42,270
India said to me that, uh...
411
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,565
I think we were in an
argument one time and she said,
412
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:48,568
"Oh, that's why I didn't
wanna have a baby with you."
413
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,777
Mm-hm, I did.
414
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:50,736
And...
415
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,948
I did say that.
416
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,959
I'm sorry.
417
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:14,885
Okay, you're upset and you said
something that you didn't mean.
418
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:18,598
Um, but...
419
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:23,644
you cannot convince her that
that's not what she meant.
420
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,938
So where do I go with this?
421
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:28,149
What do I do?
422
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:32,486
See here's the
tough part, because...
423
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,781
he says that,
right here right now,
424
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:38,284
that he's trying to convince
me that that's not what I,
425
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:42,455
um, believed, um...
426
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,957
but that's how I felt.
427
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:46,459
Mm-hm.
428
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,961
Because
Dale has another child;
429
00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:50,338
he's been married before.
430
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,632
And so he already
knew what to do here;
431
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,634
he's already done this.
432
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:59,680
So I was feeling criticized,
and this is why I was afraid to,
433
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:04,352
you know, to parent with him.
434
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,021
I just always-- I feel...
435
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:11,317
He just makes me feel
inadequate in everything.
436
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,778
Mm-hm.
437
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:21,535
upbeat funky music
438
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:57,530
Hello.
439
00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:58,364
Hi.
440
00:19:58,406 --> 00:19:59,865
Hi.
441
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,875
Nice to meet you, I'm Orna.
442
00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:11,585
-Hi, Orna.
-Hi, I'm Cyndy.
443
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,087
-I'm Yaya.
-Cyndy, and?
444
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,047
-Yaya.
-Yaya.
445
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,550
Okay.
446
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:18,551
Where do we begin?
447
00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,053
I don't know.
448
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:23,931
Uh, we've got a lot going on.
449
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:28,561
We've been married eight years.
450
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:29,395
And we
have two children.
451
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:30,771
Yeah, we have two kids.
452
00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:33,566
But right now,
we're at a state where,
453
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:36,610
uh, we haven't been
intimate for a while.
454
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:37,570
Mm-hm.
455
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:39,071
I think it's almost a year now.
456
00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:40,114
Yeah.
457
00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:43,451
So I just look at
it as, you know,
458
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,286
we have three options.
459
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:48,247
One is that we just split
up, and that's the worst case
460
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,582
scenario.
461
00:20:49,623 --> 00:20:50,750
Open marriage would
be the second route;
462
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,251
she doesn't want that.
463
00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:55,963
So then the third
case would be that we,
464
00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:59,258
you know, reconnect, and
that's what we're hoping for.
465
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,093
Reconnect physically.
466
00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:02,428
Physically, everything.
467
00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:03,095
I think it just is--
468
00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:05,598
Yeah, kind of,
like, rebuild everything.
469
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:08,601
You know, find our way back
to each other in a sense.
470
00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:11,103
Like when we first met, I
didn't think it was gonna get to
471
00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:12,313
this point.
472
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:12,938
What do you mean?
473
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:16,484
I didn't think that I
was gonna marry you.
474
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:19,987
She just thought she was
gonna go around galavanting.
475
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:20,821
I thought I was
just gonna be a hoe.
476
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:23,115
That's literally-- I thought I
was just gonna go out there and
477
00:21:23,157 --> 00:21:24,325
just party.
478
00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:27,119
And then, I ended
up meeting her,
479
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:30,331
and I was like,
"Oh, she's great.
480
00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,291
And she's, like--
she fits, like,
481
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,503
the ideal type of-- you know,
this is what a good wife would
482
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:36,462
look like.
483
00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:37,797
Mm-hm.
484
00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:40,299
And then, we both
finished nursing school.
485
00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:41,967
Then, it got more serious.
486
00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:43,677
You know, the next
step was to get married,
487
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:44,970
so we got married.
488
00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:47,640
The next step after
that came the children.
489
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:50,976
And then, I hit 40 and I just
reflected back and I was like,
490
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,686
"Oh, shit, this is where I'm at.
491
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:55,356
Like, I want...
492
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:57,650
I want to see what
else is out there."
493
00:21:57,691 --> 00:22:02,780
But she sees a marriage as-- or
a healthy marriage as being just
494
00:22:03,197 --> 00:22:04,490
monogamous.
495
00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:07,493
I think a healthy
marriage can be both.
496
00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:10,996
Um, but she
doesn't feel that way.
497
00:22:11,038 --> 00:22:12,498
I just feel like...
498
00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:15,042
to be
intimate with someone,
499
00:22:15,084 --> 00:22:16,710
it takes a lot.
500
00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:18,504
So
for her just to be like,
501
00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:19,839
"Oh, I can be with
you, I can be with you,
502
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,841
I can be with you," it's like...
503
00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:22,842
where is the intimacy?
504
00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:25,010
Where's the, like,
real connection?
505
00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:28,180
Like, you're just gonna go
and basically spread your legs
506
00:22:28,222 --> 00:22:30,516
anywhere you can?
507
00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:31,892
And that's okay?
508
00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:34,019
You know?
509
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:36,981
You're hurt by that.
510
00:22:39,108 --> 00:22:40,526
That's why I
always say, "Maybe it's me,
511
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:41,902
maybe I'm the issue."
512
00:22:41,944 --> 00:22:44,196
Because if you look at
our marriage externally,
513
00:22:44,238 --> 00:22:45,906
it's great.
514
00:22:45,948 --> 00:22:49,243
Like, everybody
sees her like she's...
515
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:50,202
an angel.
516
00:22:50,953 --> 00:22:54,540
Like, she's so motherly,
she just-- she just engulfs
517
00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:58,043
everything and kind of just is
able to take care of everyone.
518
00:22:58,085 --> 00:23:00,045
But something about
it is affecting--
519
00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:02,047
Us, yeah.
Us, yeah.
520
00:23:02,089 --> 00:23:02,882
Desire.
521
00:23:02,923 --> 00:23:04,550
Yeah.
522
00:23:04,592 --> 00:23:07,428
I'm at the point where
it's like I'm not attracted
523
00:23:07,469 --> 00:23:10,431
to you right now.
524
00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:14,101
That's a
difficult thing to say,
525
00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:18,272
but there's probably
more to say than just that.
526
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:22,568
Like, I'm just not
attracted to her.
527
00:23:22,610 --> 00:23:25,112
I don't know if there's such a
thing as "just not attracted."
528
00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:29,575
There's something to say here.
529
00:23:29,617 --> 00:23:31,869
I don't know.
530
00:23:35,122 --> 00:23:37,750
I feel like I'm like...
531
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:42,087
Like, how do you say this?
532
00:23:42,129 --> 00:23:43,923
Those sleeping bags
when you go camping, right?
533
00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:45,382
Mm-hm.
534
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:46,967
Okay, I'm just trying to
get out the sleeping bag.
535
00:23:47,009 --> 00:23:47,551
Mm-hm.
536
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,637
That's exactly how
it feels like like.
537
00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:53,599
Like, it's nice, it's
comfy, it keeps me warm,
538
00:23:53,641 --> 00:23:57,394
I can sleep in it, you
know, it-- it's safe.
539
00:23:58,145 --> 00:23:59,605
Yeah.
540
00:23:59,647 --> 00:24:02,650
I see, too safe, too safe.
541
00:24:02,691 --> 00:24:04,985
But I just want to get out.
542
00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:09,823
Yaya, um...
543
00:24:09,865 --> 00:24:12,284
how are you feeling?
544
00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:14,995
I feel hurt, I feel...
545
00:24:15,037 --> 00:24:15,955
Hurt...
546
00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:17,289
Lost, I don't know.
547
00:24:17,331 --> 00:24:20,167
Mm-hm.
548
00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:24,171
Lost like you don't know
what to do about all of this?
549
00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:28,842
Well, that's why the
two of you are here.
550
00:24:30,678 --> 00:24:35,766
"Two Months" by
John The Blind
551
00:24:39,561 --> 00:24:43,816
You and I know I can't be
what you want me to be
552
00:24:43,857 --> 00:24:46,318
What you need me to be
553
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:49,822
Whether I am
there or not there
554
00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:54,159
You and I know I can't be
where you want me to go
555
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,829
Where you need me to go
556
00:24:56,870 --> 00:25:00,499
Whether it is
fair or not fair
557
00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:02,835
Two months got me
all stressed out
558
00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:05,212
Two months got
me tripping'
559
00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:07,881
Do I pull us up
or pull us down?
560
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:10,509
I wish I could
just listen
561
00:25:10,551 --> 00:25:13,053
Two months got me
all stressed out
562
00:25:13,095 --> 00:25:15,723
Two months got
me trippin'
563
00:25:15,764 --> 00:25:18,517
Do I pull us up
or pull us down?
564
00:25:18,559 --> 00:25:20,853
I wish I could
just listen
565
00:25:20,894 --> 00:25:24,857
To your heartbeat sound
566
00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:29,903
Me and you could
figure it out
567
00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:35,034
I've been cruel to
your heartbeat sound
568
00:25:35,284 --> 00:25:40,372
Me and you could
figure it out
569
00:25:40,414 --> 00:25:42,082
I've been cruel
570
00:25:42,124 --> 00:25:46,378
You and I know I can't see
what you want me to see
571
00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:48,922
What you need me to see
572
00:25:48,964 --> 00:25:51,884
Whether it's right
there or not there
573
00:25:51,925 --> 00:25:56,597
Oh, you and I know I can't
take what you want me to hold
574
00:25:56,638 --> 00:25:59,391
When you need it the most
575
00:25:59,433 --> 00:26:03,020
Whether it is
fair or not fair
576
00:26:03,062 --> 00:26:05,230
Two months got me
all stressed out
577
00:26:05,272 --> 00:26:07,900
Two months got
me trippin'
578
00:26:07,941 --> 00:26:10,569
Do I pull us up
or pull us down?
579
00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:13,113
I wish I could
just listen
580
00:26:13,155 --> 00:26:15,741
Two months got me
all stressed out
581
00:26:15,783 --> 00:26:18,285
Two months got
me trippin'
582
00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:21,121
Do I pull us up or
pull us down?...
46987
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