Original subtitles

Hey.

Hey, you motherfuckers out there.

Yeah, there they are. That's right.

If you don't know who we are,

you ain't been watching the fuckin' Facebook page.

But this is, I'm Kidnap number one,

this is Kidnap number two, okay?

And we're here to tell you motherfuckers,

Two.

Thank you for purchasing the movie

on VOD, DVD or whatever the fuck format

you're watching it on but if you're

not watching it on one of those formats

and you're a cheap ass, no good, dick suckin' motherfucker

it means that you are pirating the fuckin' movie

and you are, my friend, Dicks.

Piece of shit. Yes.

Piece of shit dicks. Dicks, yeah.

Yeah, you're a piece of shit dick, so.

Dicks!

You need to not pirate this motherfucker, okay?

We all busted our fuckin' ass on this movie

for three fuckin' years so you guys

could fuckin' enjoy this motherfucker.

All yous. And after you get done

watching it, you're gonna agree with us

that this a good fuckin' movie, so,

They're gonna like it. So if you did pirate

the motherfucker, you know, if you're a fuckin'

butt pirate or whatever the fuck you wanna call yourself.

One of these. Watch the fuckin' movie

and when it's done, then go buy

the motherfuckin' movie, okay?

Buy it!

Cause if you're pirating it,

you're gonna know it's a good fuckin' movie

and if you're not pirating it, we wanna thank yous because,

All of yous.

Yous are some cool motherfuckers

and we's appreciate you. We's.

We's appreciate yous, okay? Him and me.

So thank you very much. Yeah.

Enjoy the fuckin' movie. Enjoy it, dicks!

Peace out. Peace!

.FFD700">(WATER SLOSHING)-

Hey, Rowdy.

Yeah, Cletus?

How much you think we're gonna get for killin' this thing?

About a million dollars.

And we're gonna split that like 50/50, right?

Like?

400 thousand each?

You lost your goddamn mind?

We not splittin' it 50/50.

Hell, I got the weapons, the traps,

even brought the goddamn beer.

Only thing I brought your ass along for

is so you could help me drag the body

out of the goddamn woods.

Alright.

I was just hoping to get enough, you know,

to help me get a new double wide.

Gonna need a huntin' dog.

Maybe get a bass boat.

Yeah, that oughta be enough for all that.

You don't think real big do you, Cletus?

I figure about 20 percent.

Like a hundred Benjamins?

Aw, man, that'd be awesome!

That works for me!

Sure, Cletus, whatever you say.

Let's just

be quiet so's we can

sneak up on this thing.

.FFD700">(WATER SLOSHING)- .FFD700">(DRAMATIC MUSIC)-

I'm ready to get out of this damn canoe.

Come on.

Here, take this damn paddle and stick in the boat for me.

God, damn.

I'll get you a gun.

Thanks, Rowdy.

I shoulda brought my sister.

Why, is she hot?

.FFD700">(EERIE MUSIC)- Rowdy, dude, Rowdy.

Look, restricted area, do not enter.

Well, hell yeah it's a restricted area.

You think they just gonna invite people

up here to kill things?

Come on, damn it, get in front of me.

But that movie with the kids and the witch thing,

they all died! I wanna see you

at all times, march.

And be quiet, damn it.

You did take a look at all that information

I sent you and study all those pictures, right?

Well, of course, I did.

Good, cause there was a shit ton of important

information in there and if you don't know it,

you're gonna get us both killed.

Maybe we should review it just to make sure

I didn't forget anything. God damn it, Cletus.

You didn't look at one damn thing, did you?

Alright, fine, you caught me.

But, come on, what's the worst thing that could happen?

What's the worst thing that could happen?

Are you kidding me?

Let's take a second here to review the rules, alright?

Rule one:- absolutely no pissin' or shittin'

of any kind out here in the woods.

If you're gonna do it, you gotta do it

in a bag or in a bottle cause if this thing

gets one scent of you, he'll be down

on top of us in a few seconds and he'll kill us both.

Number two:- no loud noises, keep your voice down.

I been telling you that.

And number three:- absolutely no fornification of any kind.

Fornification?

You mean, like, getting it on?

Man, I don't know what you got

planned for out here but I'm not like that.

It's okay if you are.

Cletus, I ain't gay

and I sure as hell wouldn't be gay with you if I was.

I'm just trying to tell you this thing is territorial

and it's very important that you follow the rules.

The thing it hates most in the world is male ejaculate.

So you just keep it zipped up.

Keep your tally whacker in your pants

and we'll be just fine.

Now come on.

I actually got buttons not a zipper.

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

Well, really, Rowdy.

Why wouldn't you like me, Watch the tree.

It's slippery down here.

Wait.

Wait.

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

Looks like a football.

It's got the toes.

And a heel!

Shh.

Could we set the trap now?

Wait.

Not yet.

He's out there.

Let's go.

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

I'll spread around here, help me out.

You and I are gonna split up.

I'm gonna take a spot up over there in the woods,

you're gonna take a spot over here.

If you need anything, don't yell.

Alright, you just make a whistle sound like a little bird.

Alright? Okay, okay.

Got it? Okay.

Let's go.

Hey, Rowdy? Yeah?

You know, ever since you brought it up,

I kinda gotta pee.

Okay, take this jug with you

and you piss in that.

If you fill it up, you drink it.

Of course I ain't doing that.

Yeah, they do it on the survival shows all the time.

This ain't no survival show!

If you pour that out on the ground,

then this thing's gonna smell that.

It's gonna be on top of us in no time.

.FFD700">(CLETUS SCOFFS)-

Now, look, they say it's good for you.

They even cook with it, now come on.

Let's get this son of a bitch.

Go take your spot.

Fucking kidding.

.FFD700">(CLETUS GROANS)-

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

Oh, gross, man!

I ain't drinkin' that shit anyhow.

.FFD700">(ANIMALISTIC GROWLING)-

Oh, gross.

Hey, Rowdy, I think I hear it!

I think I hear him! Cletus!

I told you to whistle!

Well, I got pee on my hands.

I ain't got no hand sanitizer.

Cletus, you're gonna get us killed!

I think he's coming!

Stay away!

Stay away!

Pull it together, pull it together, Cletus.

,CLETUS:- He's coming, Rowdy!

Shh!

Hey, you're gonna get us killed!

I don't know where to go!

I don't know what to do!

I don't know where he's at!

Oh shit.

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

Hey, hey!

He's behind you!

He's behind you!

,CLETUS:- Oh, shit!

I stepped in the pee again! Turn around, shoot it!

Shoot it!

Come over here or I'll come there!

.FFD700">(LOUD GROWLING)- .FFD700">(CLETUS SCREAMING)-

.FFD700">(CLETUS CHOKING)-

.FFD700">(LOUD GUNSHOTS AND GROWLING)-

.FFD700">(CLETUS CHOKING AND GURGLING)-

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

.FFD700">(LOUD GROWLING)-

.FFD700">(SCATTERED GUNSHOTS)-

No, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

.FFD700">(ROWDY GRUNTS)-

.FFD700">(BEASTLY GROWLING)-

No!

No!

.FFD700">(ROWDY SCREAMING)-

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

.FFD700">(WOMAN MOANING)-

The fuck are you watching up there, man?

Stay focused.

Shit.

.FFD700">(VINNY LAUGHS)-

Fuckin' kid. Oh, shit.

Hey, man.

What's the craziest thing you done with a chick?

There's this one chick at work,

she used to love to come down and suck my dick.

Every morning before anybody else got to work.

Nice.

But I tried to fuck her this one time

in this bathroom that was under construction,

she fucking totally freaked out on me.

It's like she'd rather get caught

with my dick in her mouth.

.FFD700">(MEN LAUGH)-

Made no sense.

That's pretty hot, though.

It was pretty hot. Ah, but I got something

that'll blow your minds.

Happened to me last night.

Wait a second, you're telling me

you got your dick sucked every single day

at work and you never got caught?

Not every day, but

I got it sucked several times a week, yeah.

You weren't afraid of getting fired?

Not really, I mean, shit we were

going through layoffs anyway.

But the chick did tell the boss.

I didn't give a fuck. Wait, wait, wait.

So he wasn't pissed about it?

Not really.

He just called me to his office and said,

if you get caught getting your dick sucked at work,

I'ma have to fire your ass

but until then, have fun.

Alright, alright, enough already.

Can I tell you my story?

Yeah, tell your fuckin' story, man.

It's a good story!

So last night I'm fuckin' this super hot chick.

Wow. And she was a squirter.

.FFD700">(WOMAN MOANS)-

.FFD700">(VINNY SPUTTERS)-

Wow!

It's not a myth!

.FFD700">(VINNY LAUGHS)-

She shat out diarrhea on you?

Her pussy shot out shit on him, man.

Yeah, that's what I said.

What he meant was, she shot pussy juice

out of her vag, dude.

So you're serious, man?

You actually fucked a squirter?

The myth?

I assure you, it was real.

Freaked me the fuck out, but it was so hot.

Oh shit, she just left.

Get ready, guys.

Fuck, man!

I told you to keep an eye out, man.

What the fuck were you doin'?

Only got a few seconds to make this shit happen.

How am I lookin', we good?

,VINNY:- Yeah, got it inside out but fuck it.

Fuck it.

Alright, brother, this is what we planned.

Alright, ready.

,JINX:- Let's do this, man.

Let's fucking do it.

Here. One, two.

Hey, man, don't leave me hanging.

,VINNY:- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuckin' A, man.

Ready? One, two.

.FFD700">(CAR DOORS CLICK OPEN)-

Oh my God.

This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy.

It's crazy!

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

It's unlocked, let's go.

Go, go, go, go!

,JINX:- Okay, whoo.

.FFD700">(DOOR CLAMORS SHUT)-

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

Freeze, motherfucker! .FFD700">(MAN SCREAMS)-

What the fuck?

What the?

He fucking fainted.

Well, that wasn't supposed to happen.

Oh, shit.

What the?

Oh, shit.

What the fuck?

Ah, fuck, it didn't flush.

Oh, disgusting. .FFD700">(TOILET FLUSHING)-

I gotta get something for his head.

We can't carry him out like that.

I can see his ball sac, man.

Are we gonna wipe his ass?

,JINX:- You shitting me?

Do we need to wipe his ass?

I don't know.

,JINX:- Let's just hope it was a clean shit.

Am I gonna pull up his pants?

I'll do it if you do the head, man.

Jesus Christ.

.FFD700">(MAN SIGHS)-

,VINNY:- It's your idea, so fuck it.

Oh, God.

.FFD700">(JINX GROANS)-

Oh, shit.

I think that's gonna have to work, man.

I can't really touch all this, you know?

I touched enough for me.

We'll fix him when he gets in the van.

.FFD700">(UPBEAT MUSIC)-

Oh, fuck, he's heavy.

.FFD700">(MAN FARTS)-

Oh, dude, farting!

Fuck.

.FFD700">(MEN GRUNTING)-

What the? Watch where you're going.

Kiss my ass, lady.

Kissin' ass is out of style.

Lay down and I'll shit in your mouth.

What?

You better be nice, lady,

or I'll come back and steal your scooter.

You're not stealin' my scooter,

you motherfuckin' son of a bitch.

What the fuck?

Ah, fuck it, dude, come on, let's go.

Let's get outta here.

Hey, assholes, where are you taking him?

I'm calling the cops.

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

What the hell, man? Unlock!

You're supposed to help us. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Don't you know how to fuckin' knock?

What the fuck were you doing, man?

.FFD700">(MEN YELLING)-

Oh, fuck!

Jesus Christ, okay, okay, alright.

I told you to stay focused. Go, go!

How do I fuckin' turn the emergency brake off?

Fuck, how do I?

Why'd you set the emergency brake?

It's for fucking safety!

Jesus Christ! Man, go!

The old lady is gonna get our license plate!

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck, rag okay.

Cum everywhere, fuck!

Okay, oh, shit.

Alright, we're set!

He's okay, that was fucking fast.

Okay, tape his hands.

.FFD700">(MAN GRUNTS)-

Alright, alright. I think that's good enough.

That works.

What a rush, huh?

I did not expect that.

I'm gonna lay down.

.FFD700">(VINNY CHUCKLES)-

Whoo! .FFD700">(CHUCKLES)-

Oh, man.

The fuck you doing, man?

Fuckin' hornball.

Hey, what are you listening to?

It's my song.

,VINNY:- That's your song?

It's my jam.

It fucking sucks.

That's rock n' roll, man!

Yeah!

.FFD700">(ROCK MUSIC)-

. Big time on the other side

. On the inside

. Of my

. Pop genocide

. Big man with the sick car

. Cause it shines on

. It's all

. It's all dynamite

. Big sound

. Shake the underground

. Shake the whole world with my .

. Pop genocide

. I hear it

. You need it

. I feel it

. Pop genocide

Jarrett.

You are following the directions, right?

Yeah, I'm followin' the GPS.

,JINX:- Not the GPS, the directions

that I gave you to follow!

The GPS is gonna get us lost!

Let me out or I'll pop you full of lead!

What the fuck?

Get him, get the gun!

.FFD700">(LOUD GUNSHOT)- .FFD700">(RINGING)-

.FFD700">(JINX YELLS)-

My fucking ear, man.

What the fuck?

What the, what the fuck?

Oh my God.

Can I get the shit?

Get that shit? Just stop pulling it,

put him out!

Get the cum rag!

Jarrett, the cum rag!

,VINNY:- Fuck, fuck!

Just fucking pour it on there.

Pour it on the cum rag.

.FFD700">(VINNY COUGHS)-

Holy shit.

.FFD700">(JINX YELLS)-

Put it on his fucking face.

Where is it, right there?

Oh, oh my God.

,VINNY:- Is it working?

I think it worked.

I think it worked.

.FFD700">(COUGHS)- Oh, God.

.FFD700">(COUGHING CONTINUES)-

,JINX:- Who the fuck carries an ankle gun?

Well, this dude does.

Well, next time we'll check but.

That was so fucking close, huh?

Shot up on the fuckin', huh.

Oh, that was close, oh my god.

Whoo. .FFD700">(CHUCKLES)-

Get some more tape.

We need more tape for this fucker.

I'll tape him this time, shit.

.FFD700">(WOLVES HOWLING)-

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

Hey, uncle, we're here.

What?

We're here, we made it. It's dark.

Yeah, it's 8:50.

We lost a few hours, but we got here!

We're so late.

This was supposed to be done hours ago.

Where the fuck are we, man?

,JARRETT:- In the woods.

.FFD700">(JARRETT CHUCKLES)-

There's no road. Yeah.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

,JINX:- Alright, Jarrett, go make sure

everything is taken care of. Alright, you got it.

Let me grab this.

,JINX:- Take the lantern with you.

.FFD700">(JARRETT CHUCKLES)-

It's bright.

Oh, oh!

I'm gonna leave the key, you, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just, just go, go.

.FFD700">(CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT)-

.FFD700">(JARRETT YELLING)-

Wow.

Thought we'd never make it.

.FFD700">(VINNY CHUCKLES)-

,JINX:- Vinny.

It's time to wake this son of a bitch up.

Let's do it.

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

.FFD700">(TAPE RIPPING)-

.FFD700">(MAN SCREAMS)-

Look, I'm supposed to be

at my wedding rehearsal dinner right now.

Hey! What?

Calm the fuck down and keep walking.

Look, guys, if I don't make that dinner,

my fiancee's gonna kill me.

Let me get this straight,

we're about to blow your fuckin' brains out

and you're worried about what your woman might think.

This dude has some major problems,

he deserves to fuckin' die.

.FFD700">(ROCK MUSIC)-

,JINX:- Get down here.

Anybody that's this pathetic, pussy whipped is pathetic.

I'm not pussy whipped!

I just love my fiancee.

Yeah.

Well.

Any last words before we end your pathetic

miserable pussy whipped life?

Please, please don't kill me.

Shut the fuck up.

Go out with some fucking balls, for God's sakes.

Have a little dignity!

I'll, I'll do anything.

Anything!

You'll do anything?

.FFD700">(JINX LAUGHS)-

You hear that?

He'll do anything.

He ain't got nothing that we want.

That's right.

We're not gay.

You can't suck our fucking dicks off.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're not.

We're not gay.

I'm not, I'm not gay.

Nothing against gay people but I'm not, you know?

I just, I just don't wanna suck a dick.

Yeah, well.

I say we kill him like they did

in that movie we like so much.

Fuckin' Boondocks style. Ah, hell yeah!

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

.FFD700">(MAN SOBS)-

Oh, god. On the count of three.

Three.

Two.

Oh, hold on a sec.

I think we should show him who we are

before we blow his fuckin' head off.

What do you say?

Oh, yeah. Let's do it.

Let's take this fuckin' thing off his head.

What?

Alright.

Turn the fuck around.

Turn around!

That's right.

You ready?

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

Surprise!

.FFD700">(JINX LAUGHS)- Surprise!

Surprise!

Surprise!

Whoo!

.FFD700">(VINNY LAUGHS)-

.FFD700">(MEN LAUGHING)-

Are you fucking kidding me?

Hey, man, calm the fuck down.

Chill out.

.FFD700">(BEAST GROWLING)-

Man.

Did we get you good or what, huh?

No, you're a sick fuck!

Calm down, man, it's just a fuckin' bachelor party.

Surprise bachelor party for you.

This is great, Jinx.

You made me miss my rehearsal dinner.

You know Caroline's gonna kill me for this.

The whole family came into town tonight for this.

Listen, man.

How do you think we pulled this off?

Caroline knew about it the entire time.

She helped us.

No, you're lying, okay?

Caroline would never be in on pranks.

Especially something like this.

How do you think that we knew

the exact time that you take a shit every day?

She told us.

You can call her if you want.

Yeah, I will call her.

Phone?

Do you have mine?

Oh yeah, I do, don't I?

Go for it.

You wanna get this shit off of me?

I guess that might help a little bit, huh?

Come on!

Give me a second, I gotta get my knife.

Shit.

Sorry about that, bro.

I'll buy you a new shirt.

Hi, baby.

How's it goin'?

Hey, sweetie.

I'm so sorry I'm not home for dinner tonight.

Jinx and a couple of assholes busted on me this morning

with guns and masks, I fainted,

and drug me out in the middle of the woods.

Oh, I did wake up at one point

and Jinx fucking chloroformed me!

Well, yeah, because you tried to kill us.

He chloroformed you and you fainted?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Look, did you know anything about this?

.FFD700">(CAROLINE LAUGHS)-

Just calm down, baby.

I knew everything.

Jinx and I have been planning this for months.

But you gotta admit, we got you pretty good, didn't we?

Yeah.

So there is no rehearsal dinner tonight?

Nope.

That's gonna be next Friday before the wedding.

Both of our families were in on it, too.

.FFD700">(CAROLINE GIGGLES)-

Now don't worry about anything else

and just have some fun with the boys.

For Christ's sake.

And, well, what are you gonna do tonight?

I mean, I don't like the idea of you home

all alone without me all night long.

I'm not home by myself.

I'm over at Cameron's and Callie's here

and she's helping me put my makeup on

which is so sweet of her.

It's all good.

Hey, babe, would you put Jinx on the phone for me?

Okay, honey.

.FFD700">(JINX CHUCKLES)-

Plan was awesome, scared the shit out of him.

You should've seen his face.

Yeah, we couldn't have done it without you.

Jinx, you motherfucker,

you better stick to the plan.

I'm serious.

No booze, no titty bitches, nothing.

If I find out any of this is going on,

you will experience a wrath that you have

never experienced before, do you understand?

I know, I know.

You've told me a million times.

No alcohol and no strippers, I got it.

Alright, well you go have some fun and we'll see you later.

Alright, good night.

This is bullshit, Jinx.

You know what, no.

I'm not doing any of this, okay?

I got some guy I don't know humping me.

Okay?

You got fuckin' Chad here,

you know how I feel about Chad.

Hey, Pat, what's up, man?

Long time, no talk!

It's fucking freezing.

I have no coat, I have nothing, no.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Pat, this party is for you, man.

Just calm down, what the fuck?

Where you goin'?

.FFD700">(JINX SCOFFS)-

Guess he didn't like the surprise, boys.

J-man, hit me that lantern.

Let's get the food started,

I'm gonna have to go chase after his ass, I guess.

Be back in a few, boys.

.FFD700">(VINNY LAUGHS)-

That Pat guy's gonna be high maintenance, ain't he?

.FFD700">(VINNY LAUGHS)-

Oh, yeah, man.

Some good fire.

.FFD700">(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)-

Hey, man.

There.

Hey.

Dude, I am like your biggest fan.

I've seen all of your movies.

I have every last one of them on Blu-ray.

I've seen 'em all, like, ten times.

Some even 20 times.

Awesome.

Thanks.

Glad, glad you do.

Do you think that I could get like a,

like an autograph and a picture with you?

Pat, Pat, wait up!

Just calm down, man. No, man.

Pat, come on, man.

Dude, we are four hours away from anywhere.

I don't care!

And you don't have a car here, where you goin'?

Okay, Jinx, you came into my house today

and put guns, guns to my head.

And then you got me out here and who do I see?

Chad and I hate that asshole.

Okay, first of all, those guns weren't real, man.

They're just movie props that we used for one of our movies.

They're fake.

And Chad's cool, man.

You guys used to be best friends.

No, he's a raging atheist.

You know that, right?

Like you can't take him around anybody

without him trying to convert you

or he wants you to smoke his pot

or take his ecstasy.

Dude, he's not like that anymore.

I'm telling you, I've been hanging out

with him for the last year,

he talks about these cool restaurants

that he eats at in Austin and, you know,

we have a lot in common with independent films.

He tells me about all these films

I've never heard of and they're, they're cool, man.

He's cool.

Mmhmm, that's great.

Well, he better not start anything, okay?

40 bucks for both.

F-O-R-T-Y.

I'm an actor, that's why I get paid.

Well, yeah, like I said I'm your biggest fan, I,

and I bought all your movies.

Yeah.

I mean, I hear all that but that doesn't mean shit to me.

See, I don't make a dime

out of those things that you buy.

See they cook the fucking books so bad,

my last check was almost a nickel.

You know?

Hey.

Do you want that autograph and pic or what?

Oh yeah, yeah, uh.

Yeah, hold on.

Yeah, let me.

I think I, I think I got the cash somewhere.

There's one, it's ripped but it's still

like it'll, yeah.

I think it's the serial numbers.

What you got there?

I just, that's, I think that's two.

That's three, that's three!

Here!

Good start. .FFD700">(MEN CHUCKLE)-

What else you got?

You know what?

I'm just gonna look in my wallet.

I need just 20 more bucks.

You got 20 more? Yeah, I usually

keep money in here, I think.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, I have some.

Yeah, hold on, let me.

Bingo!

It's just 20 bucks right there.

Just right there. Just looked in the wallet.

Alright, you got it, thank you very much.

Um, I'll keep this one. Mmhmm.

There you go, yeah, hold that.

There you go.

Alright, there you go.

Here's your Sharpie.

Here's your DVD.

Yeah, Vinny, thanks.

Um, is, uh?

What does it?

What does it say?

Vinny Blades.

Well, it just looks like a line.

No.

It's, yeah. Hey.

There's more there. How about that pic?

Okay.

Oh yeah, I gotta switch it around.

Okay, alright.

Alright.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Hey!

Good job, alright, man. Uh.

Wait, wait, Mr, Mr. Blades? Blades.

Blades, um.

Well, you walked away right as I was

pushing the button so it's,

I mean, it's just a picture of me.

So, like, you went away and then it flashed

a picture and so, you see, it's just a picture of me.

And you're gone out of it.

That's unfortunate.

Yeah, um.

So do you mind if we take another one?

So I can get you in there?

Hey, not at all.

20 more dollars.

.FFD700">(CHAD LAUGHS)-

What?

Look, I'm not into it, okay?

It's freezing out here.

I have no jacket.

I mean, I still don't feel very well either.

You wanna know why?

Because you chloroformed me, remember?

That was chloroform, right?

To be honest, man, I'm not really sure.

Are you kidding me?

But Vinny wouldn't do anything that was dangerous

to hurt you, he wouldn't do that, man.

You probably just feel a little weird

'cause you didn't have

anything to eat for breakfast, obviously.

Let's just get some food in you

and come back over, we got a jacket for you.

Come on. You're a dick.

Come on.

.FFD700">(BEASTLY GROWLING)-

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

So this spot is actually the first spot

that they ever saw Bigfoot in North America

back in, like, the 1800s, I think?

It was supposed to be like a hoax at first,

everybody thought it'd be a hoax

but all these accounts started coming in after that,

like just one after another and another.

There was this one story of a lumberjack

who got, basically, just like captured

by a whole family of Bigfoot. Bigfeet.

What? Bigfeet.

Family of Bigfeet, you said Bigfoot, but.

It's plural, so Bigfeet.

Like when you don't say a bunch of mouses,

you say a bunch of mice.

Are you sure that's the same thing

with Bigfoot as it is with that?

Yeah, it's plural, right?

Moose, Meeses?

Guys, alright.

He got captured by more than one Bigfoot.

Thank you. Okay.

So anyways, um.

He said that they were actually

peaceful creatures, you know?

And vegetarians.

I always thought that was funny.

.FFD700">(JARRETT CHUCKLES)-

Anyways, so yeah, so they kept him captive

for like a week before he managed to escape.

I mean, you know, with all the Bigfoot stories

and what not, I guess. Are you serious?

What?

I mean.

Nobody's seriously gonna fucking talk about this?

Chad.

Dude, don't start any shit tonight, okay?

Dude, you promised me, okay?

Just shh, be cool, be cool.

,CHAD:- I mean, do you really believe that?

Yeah.

Okay.

Can't we have an intelligent

conversation about something else?

No, we cannot have an intelligent conversation tonight.

Okay, this is just about kicking back,

having a good time and shootin' the shit.

Just having fun, okay?

We don't have to have talk science

and all that bullshit, okay?

So just, just let him talk.

Okay?

So, yeah, you know there's been thousands of accounts,

you know, over time, I mean, the miners up in the mines.

Uh, stories of, you know, people just like us,

just sittin' around the campfire,

hearing weird shit in the woods

and, you know, like rocks and sticks

getting thrown at their tents and stuff.

I mean, it's just.

,CHAD:- Yeah, those people are lying.

Whatever, Chad. No, I mean, come on.

I mean, think about it.

Out of thousands of sightings,

the only proof we have out of thousands of sightings

is some blurry photographs and one video

of Bigfoot, you know, walking all retarded.

Not retarded.

My sister is autistic.

Mentally handicapped, please.

Yeah, man.

My niece, his sister.

What the fuck? Okay, yes,

but regardless, it's one video

of Bigfoot, you know. .FFD700">(GROANING)-

I mean that shit looks so fake!

Chad!

I am fucking serious, man!

Just keep your opinions to yourself.

Yeah, man, just let him talk, alright?

We're just chilling, alright?

Having a good time, alright?

I mean, I love Bigfoot.

Thanks, man.

And aliens and ghosts, I mean.

As a matter of fact, I got a ghost

living in my house right now.

Uncle does, too!

Tell 'em about it.

Yeah, that's right.

I do have a ghost.

It was about three o'clock in the afternoon

and I was taking a nap.

All of a sudden the bedroom door

just swung right open. Wow.

I thought at first it must be the cat

or, you know, my wife playing a joke on me or something.

But the wife wasn't home and the cat

was sleeping right next to me.

So I thought, well, maybe a breeze came in,

maybe the door was open or something or a window.

Checked all the windows, doors, nope.

There was no fucking explanation of what it was.

I'm tellin' you, man.

Fuckin' ghost.

You're lucky, man, because my ghost

scared the shit out of me.

It would, like, turn on appliances around the house,

knock shit off the walls, move furniture.

As a matter of fact, I think one time it tried to kill me.

I swear to God. What?

Yeah.

I went out, Some heavy shit.

No, I went outside to go check the mail,

I come right back the house smells like gas.

So sure enough, I go to the kitchen

and gas stove right there and the knob

is slightly turned releasing gas.

And you couldn't have done that?

No.

Yeah, but you couldn't have accidentally

brushed the knob? No.

I was not in the kitchen.

.FFD700">(BEASTLY GROWLING)-

That's not the point.

Well, maybe you didn't turn it off all the way

and then you didn't notice until it started

filling up with gas over time,

Dude.

Relax.

Regardless, I got rid of the ghost.

So how'd you get rid of it?

You wanna know how I got rid of it?

Well, yeah.

.FFD700">(VINNY CHUCKLES)-

It's like a scene in one of my movies.

I looked at it right in its ghostly eyes

and I said,

get the fuck out. Shit!

Awesome, awesome!

That's cool.

That's what I'm talking about.

I mean, I didn't get rid of it but

it sure shut the fuck up for awhile.

.FFD700">(MEN LAUGHING)- Wow, nice.

Yeah, man, I believe in UFOs.

I've seen a UFO.

Unidentified Flying Objects.

No shit, I really saw it.

I really did.

Seriously.

Very good. Saw it.

And, uh, I could tell you,

it made me realize there's something bigger out there.

Okay?

And I believe in Bigfoot.

There you go.

You don't seriously believe in this shit.

I mean use your fuckin' brains.

Are none of you educated?

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you people?

I'm educated.

It doesn't take a scientist to know

that the gravitational pull could

cause some crazy mutations on our planet.

Could explain things like the chupacabra,

loch ness monster, vampires, werewolves.

Kim Kardashian's ass. Yeah!

That's unreal. .FFD700">(MEN CHUCKLING)-

Okay, you know what?

That's it, that's it.

I can't take any more of this.

Alright, I mean you people can't tell me

you actually believe what the fuck you're saying

because science has proven you wrong over,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Because science has proven you wrong over and over

and over and there's not one ounce,

not one fucking shred of proof

that any of you have any fucking idea

about what you're talking about.

Dude, shut the fuck up, okay?

Just shut the fuck up.

I mean if it wasn't for my ghost

to scare off the wrong woman,

I could've married the fucking bitch

and that would've been the death of me.

So calm down. Guys!

That is enough, okay?

Now I told you, you could come if you didn't start any shit

and that's all you've been doing all night.

This is Pat's bachelor party.

You gave me your word, man.

And all you're doing is pissing everybody off.

You're pissin' off Vinny, you're pissin' off Pat.

You're pissin' off my nephew, Jarrett, and me!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Just sit the fuck down.

Just sit the fuck down, sit the fuck down, man.

Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you?

No, no, I'm not gonna do that

because I'm not gonna let you do that to yourselves, okay?

Because, you know, get your

fuckin' head out of the clouds, people.

Let me do you a favor here, okay?

There is no fucking Santa Claus,

there's not fucking Easter Bunny.

There's no Tooth Fairy, Chad, I swear to God,

you better quit while you're ahead

because if the next word out of your mouth

is God, There's no God either,

you fuckin' Jesus freak.

Ooh! Ooh, shit.

It's about time! It's a great party, Jinx.

Man, he gave me his word, okay?

I'm sorry, I didn't know he was gonna be a fuckin' dick.

It's a good thing I took 60 bucks off that motherfucker.

.FFD700">(MAN LAUGHING)-

Alright.

Help me get this asshole.

Here.

You get his legs and I'll get his upper body.

Okay. Then we turn him over.

Oh shit, give me a second.

Oh yeah, he's real light.

Yeah, of course he is, cause you've got the fuckin' legs.

God damn, it's heavy for me.

I need to workout, fuck.

Freeze! Oh, shit!

What the hell are you boys doing out here?

And what the hell happened to him?

Uh.

Hi, officer, I think everything's alright here.

Nothing to worry about.

This guy, he's just had a little too much to drink.

He's a friend of ours.

Just, just wanted to let him sleep it off, okay?

We were just about to put him in the tent

and I can vouch for his health totally,

I used to be a medic in Afghanistan.

Yeah, well, you're in a No Trespassing zone

and that's a 300 dollar fine for each of you.

And that doesn't even include

what the sheriff will do if he catches you out here.

He will lock you up in jail until the judge

comes in on Monday morning.

Uh, ma'am, can I just come over there

and talk to you for a second?

Vinny, can Vinny and this guy just put

Chad in his tent so he can rest?

He needs to go in the tent.

Yeah, I just wanna have a quick word with you, ma'am.

Okay, but don't touch me.

Okay, don't touch me.

Ma'am, I'm over here.

My hands are right here, I'm not gonna touch you.

How's that?

That work? Alright.

Don't touch her, Uncle.

Do you want 'em behind my head, is that okay?

Don't touch me!

Okay, hands are behind my head.

I'm coming.

Could you, could you maybe turn off the light a little bit?

It's really bright, I can't.

It's blinding me, ma'am.

Okay, but I got a gun.

Yeah, I can see that gun,

I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna do anything.

Still got my gun. Thank you.

Yeah, hi.

I can see you got the gun there.

Would you mind lowering that?

Okay.

Thank you.

Can I lower my hands?

Slowly.

Alright, just wanna grab my wallet here real quick.

I was thinking, we could, you know, we could

maybe work something out. Oh no, I don't take bribes.

You sure? Mmhmm.

Maybe we could just talk then?

Oh, you're not talking yourself out of this.

This is a No Trespassing zone.

Restricted Area, it says right there.

Do not enter.

Oh, it sure as hell does.

You know, we came in over there, so.

We didn't see that sign.

My buddy over there, Pat, he's,

he's about to make the biggest mistake of his life

and he's gonna marry the wrong woman

and I just thought I'd bring him out here

and show him one last good time

before his, you know, his funeral.

It's kind of a bachelor party for him.

A bachelor party?

In the middle of the woods?

.FFD700">(WOMAN LAUGHS)- Fuckin' Jinx.

You better get us out of this.

Don't worry about it.

This will be fine.

Pussy whipped.

I mean, uh, he's so whipped.

Well, she's kind of controlling

and doesn't really let him do much

and the only thing that she would allow

me to do for the bachelor party

was to, you know, bring him out here camping.

Uncle will get us out of this, okay?

Uncle's, Uncle knows what he's doing.

Just, you know take him out here.

Oh, uh.

You happen to know that actor, Vinny Blades?

You know that guy that stars

in all those Switchblade movies?

They're kind of goofy but have you ever seen 'em?

Vinny Blades?

Oh my God, he's like my

most favorite actor in the whole world.

He's got those bedroom eyes.

That's the guy I'm talking about.

Well, if you look right over there.

That's him. Oh my God!

Do you think I could get his autograph?

I could probably arrange that

if you wanna work something out.

What I was thinking is, you let us stay all night

and we'll leave in the morning.

First light, what do you say?

Well, as long as you swear

you'll be gone in the morning,

I don't see how it would be a problem.

So we got a deal? Deal.

Alright.

Very good.

Hey, uh, Vinny.

Could you come over here and meet a superfan?

She's a superfan of yours and, if you could,

bring one of those super delicious brownies

that you make homemade.

Yeah, that is Vinny Blades.

Vinny Blades!

Oh.

Howdy, ma'am.

Always good to meet a fan.

.FFD700">(VINNY CHUCKLES)-

Oh.

I got this, uh, homemade brownie just for you.

Vinny, that is the extra extra special brownie, right?

Yeah.

Hey, it's not my first rodeo.

This is one tasty brownie.

This is one of the best I've ever eaten.

,VINNY:- Mm, mmhmm.

Uh, listen, Vinny, I was kinda thinking

that maybe you could, uh, you know

take a couple pics with her and give her an autograph.

What do you say?

Aw, come on, man.

You know, it's for me.

You know.

Special favor.

I owe you one, okay?

Why not?

Hmm?

Would you sign my chest?

It is my specialty. .FFD700">(LAUGHING)-

Alright.

Fucking fans of his.

,VINNY:- Vinny.

Blades.

Oh, when I get off in the morning,

I am so getting this permanently tattooed on my breasts.

We're in the same fuckin' movie,

I don't get to sign no fuckin' titties.

Hell yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

A true fan.

,JINX:- Of course, of course.

Hey, why don't you come by the fire over there with us?

It's nice and toasty.

What a fuckin' douchebag.

Jesus Christ.

Do you got anything to drink?

Got this awesome sauce.

No.

Caroline doesn't let me,

like it when I drink.

Hey.

How's that brownie?

Timmy.

It's great brownie.

Vinny. Right.

Dude.

Just have a beer, bro. Yeah.

Thanks, man. Nice catch.

.FFD700">(CAN HISSES)- .FFD700">(PAT GIGGLES)-

Would you like a beer to wash down that tasty brownie?

No, I'm on duty.

Have you ever seen a Bigfoot?

Or like a family of Bigfeet?

No, it's Bigfoot.

Bigfoot.

And, bro, she can't tell you that.

It's top secret.

It's not top secret.

Then why are there all these signs around here

that say Restricted Area:- Do Not Enter?

Because all these redneck hunters

are coming around here trying to kill Bigfoot

for a million dollars and they're putting

bear traps out and hurting people.

Really?

There's fuckin' bear traps out here?

Great.

What the fuck is that?

What is that?

.FFD700">(ANIMAL CAWING IN THE DISTANCE)-

Sounds like fuckin' chimp sounds or something.

You don't have monkeys out here, do you?

No.

No monkeys.

Shh, shh.

Shh.

.FFD700">(ANIMAL HOWLING IN THE DISTANCE)-

Wolves.

It's wolves.

Werewolves.

No, no werewolves, no Bigfoot,

it's probably just a couple of coyotes.

It's cay-oats.

It's cay-oats not coyotes, it's cay-oat country.

.FFD700">(PAT SNICKERS)-

Cay-oat country.

Whatever the fuck it is, it's getting closer.

Yeah.

He's right.

It's right there.

What the fuck is that?

Who's out there?

You better show yourself cause I'm a badass park ranger.

She's a badass. Shh!

What is that?

What the fuck is that light?

It's fuckin' glowing in the dark, man.

It might be one of those fuckin' aliens,

y'all were talking about earlier.

Switchblade your ass.

Fucking put a curse on this fucking thing.

Whatever it is, it's getting closer.

Alright, boys, get ready.

Or we'll fuck your alien ass up!

She's got the gun.

She goes first.

You, you shoot that son of a bitch, alright?

Mmhmm, mmhmm, mmhmm.

Whoo!

I got you, boys!

.FFD700">(JINX LAUGHING)-

It was the strippers.

Oh. Oh my God.

Yeah, whoo!

The strippers.

Fucking party time! You have strippers?

Yes, time to get this party started.

No, you told me this was just a party in the woods.

I said bachelor party for my pussy whipped friend.

Remember?

It wouldn't be a bachelor party if we didn't

have some strippers, right?

I'm gonna get in so much trouble.

You're not gonna get in any trouble.

Just hang out with us.

Eat another brownie, you know?

Vinny's got some more of those brownies

and you love that brownie. I like those brownies.

Right. Okay, okay.

But everything has to be cleaned out by the morning.

Everything.

Hey. You got me?

Scout's honor.

Whatever that shit is, right?

We give our word, right? Alright.

Promise.

We will be off first light.

Alright, so, let's get the party started, right?

You girls, ready?

Not yet.

What do you mean?

,BAMBI:- You have to pay our boss.

You brought your boss out here?

Why would, why would you bring your boss out here?

To make sure you guys don't get too out of hand.

To make sure you pay before you play.

Okay.

Well, where is your boss?

Back there.

Alright.

I'll go pay your boss.

Take care of him. So who's ready

for a good time? Well, hell yeah!

Let's do it, man.

Who's ready for a good time?

Whoo! .FFD700">(MAN LAUGHING)-

What's up, my man?

My friends call me Jinx, what's your name?

Brick.

Brick, is that cause you're built like a shit brickhouse?

Okay.

Right. .FFD700">(CLEARS THROAT)-

So is everything, everything's good?

We're good, we're good to go?

You got the cash?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I got the cash.

600 bucks, right?

For two hours?

I got, uh, a few, some 20s and fives in there,

is that alright?

But, man, I assure you, all 600 bucks is there.

You can count it if you like.

Same rules apply out here as they do at the club.

Girls are topless only, no touching.

So.

When you say no touching,

that just means that we can't touch the girls

but, I mean, the girls can touch us if they want to, right?

If they really want to, yes.

But that ain't fittin' to happen.

And don't be forcing yourself on 'em either

or you gonna have a major fuckin' problem.

Well, we don't any major

fuckin' problems with you, alright?

We're just a cool group of guys over there.

Everything's gonna be cool, I promise you.

It's all good.

No problems.

Look, I'll be chillin' over here from a distance

but I could still see what's up.

Don't make me go over there.

Okay, bro.

We're good!

You got an hour and 55 minutes left.

Bring 'em back to this spot and don't be late.

If you do, I'ma charge you another 600 dollars.

Alright, well, we will not be late.

I will see you then. Hey, Jinx.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Jinx, man, hey.

Fuck, you're big!

So I don't know if you remember this,

but you made a promise to Caroline and me

that there'd be no strippers.

There's two of 'em.

Yeah, that's right.

You know why I made that promise?

Cause you wanted to bitch out and leave earlier, remember?

And if I told Caroline the truth,

you wouldn't be here right now.

And also the bachelor party's not for you, bro.

They're for guys like me.

Miserable bastards who hate fucking being married, okay?

And single dudes.

So we're gonna go have a good fuckin' time

and if you don't wanna have fun, man, that's okay.

You can just sit back and watch, okay?

,PAT:- What's that supposed to mean?

Dude, I'm telling you.

Once you fuckin' put that ring on that finger

your whole life's gonna change.

All those good times you're having right now,

you can kiss that shit goodbye.

You're gonna sit here and tell me,

oh, I'm so in love with Caroline

and I can't cheat, looking at titties

and strippers is cheating on her.

.FFD700">(PAT SCOFFS)-

You know what I don't understand about you, Jinx?

Is why you always gotta be so fuckin' negative?

Yeah, why you, Look, Caroline and I,

we love each other, you've seen us together.

We never argue and we have plenty of sex.

Yeah.

,JINX:- The good times are over, bro.

,PAT:- What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm talkin' about all that wild sex

you're talkin' about you have now

and you're soulmates and she sucks your cock

and swallows and all that, right?

Uh huh. Uh huh.

Put the ring on her finger and then talk to me.

You're gonna be watching that reality TV bullshit,

Housewives, fuckin', Oh, we love that show.

Of course, see?

It's already started.

How 'bout Vanderpump Rules, man?

You know Vanderpump, Vanderpump Rules, huh?

Yeah, that's fucking crazy, too, man.

My life is fuckin' miserable!

It fucking sucks!

Okay?

I just wanna see some new titties.

I just want 'em to, like, poke their nipples

around my face and they might do it

around my mouth cause I remember that once.

They kinda, mm, you know?

Maybe something like that'll happen.

Look, I'm just gonna.

Alright, let me just say this, okay?

It's just not a good idea, man.

It's really not and I'm gonna go on the record

and I'm gonna say, this isn't gonna end well.

It's not.

I'm tellin' you.

,PAT:- It's gonna be just fine

because you're gonna keep your fuckin' mouth shut

and have a good time.

Okay, both of y'all sound like two bitches right now.

This one's pussy whipped.

I'm not pussy whipped!

Why does everybody keep saying that to me?

Because you're fucking pussy whipped, man.

Even he, he doesn't even fucking know you

and he knows you're pussy whipped.

You're pussy whipped.

Okay, here's the deal. Listen, dude.

Hey, hey, hey, that's enough, okay?

He said we had an hour and 50 minutes,

we've already spent what?

Five, what time is it?

Oh yeah, you got an hour and 40 minutes left.

Alright, that's it, we're going.

Go back to the fuckin' camp,

we're going. Just don't let.

Hey, I don't want 'em dancin' on me.

Brick, we're goin'.

Brick, don't let 'em dance on me.

So where is the lucky bachelor for the night tonight?

Okay, so, who's up first?

Well, he should be first cause he's the bachelor

but he's pussy whipped

and his woman doesn't want him to have any fun

at his bachelor party cause he's not allowed to have one.

So.

I'm goin' first.

Hey, why can't I go first?

You're not goin', man.

You wouldn't even know what to do.

Just chill out.

Watch and learn.

Let your uncle show you how it's done, okay?

No, I'm goin' first.

What?

You wanna go first?

.FFD700">(JINX SCOFFS)-

You hear that boys?

Tell you what,

you dance on her and you can dance on me.

Bring it in.

.FFD700">(ROCK MUSIC)-

. My mind is racin'

. And I came to fight

. The faster I go

. I'm running behind

. My tank is empty

. And so is my soul

. I was lookin' for love

. Now I'm losing control

. I'm down, down, down

. I'm down, down, down

. We're all down, down, down

. All alone without you

.FFD700">(CHAD CHUCKLES)-

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Oh, motherfucker, I'm putting this shit on the internet

and then we'll see who's getting married now, motherfucker.

That's right, I'm getting the last laugh.

Oh, yeah.

Grind it up.

That's it.

Fuck every branch on the way down the breakup tree.

Fuckin' hate spiders.

The fuck?

Got, shit.

.FFD700">(BRICK SIGHS)- Oh, damn.

Hey!

Keep your hands to yourself!

Shit.

Damn, I swear they act like they ain't

never seen no pussy before.

Look at that, it don't make no damn sense.

I swear on my life, what the fuck?

.FFD700">(BEAST GROWLING)- .FFD700">(MUFFLED SCREAMING)-

.FFD700">(DANCE MUSIC)- .FFD700">(WOMEN CHEERING)-

Okay, she's like getting loose.

Get it!

I wish that was me.

Yes, look at her go.

.FFD700">(CAROLINE LAUGHS)- Oh my God.

Oh my God. Yeah, I cannot believe

she just put her hand there.

.FFD700">(WOMAN LAUGHING)-

Knock, knock.

Are you ready for my cock?

.FFD700">(CAROLINE LAUGHS)- Yeah!

Yeah, I am.

Oh my God, I can't believe

she's getting married in one week.

Me either.

I don't know how she's gonna give up girls' night out.

I don't think she will, I mean,

seriously I don't think she's gonna give it up

just because she's getting married.

Oh my God, y'all, look at Caroline's page.

What is it?

It's Pat dancing with two naked chicks in the woods.

,WOMAN:- Oh shit, she's gonna freak the fuck out!

I know, she doesn't even allow him to drink.

,WOMAN:- Should we tell her?

No, no, no, no.

She'll flip the fuck out and ruin the night, don't.

Ten thousand views in five minutes?

.FFD700">(CAROLINE YELLS)-

Caroline, where are you going?

Watch where the fuck you're goin'.

Fuck you, you don't wanna fuck with me tonight.

Break it up, break it up. Really?

You better take your ass off.

Yeah, good idea, you fucking cunt.

Should we go get her? No, no, no, leave it.

Leave it.

.FFD700">(WOMEN YELLING AND CHEERING)-

,WOMAN:- Get it, get it!

Whoo! Yeah!

Have a great night!

.FFD700">(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC)-

. Power begets power

. Dead roses in my hand

. Spirit blurred and stuttering .

. The antichrist of pain

. Burnt shadows on my eyes

. The late damage of you

. Confused, contrived to what's inside my head .

. My prison head

. Are you awake

. Are you aware

. Life

. Dead life

. Dead life

. Dead life

. Life

. Dead life

. Dead life

. Dead life

.FFD700">(WHIPPED CREAM HISSING)-

. Life

. Dead life

. Dead life

. Dead life

. Life

.FFD700">(MEN CHEERING)-

Yeah!

Yeah!

Quiet!

Shut up!

Quiet!

Everybody, cool, cool.

What's up? Shh.

,DISPATCHER:- Officer Bates, where are you?

Officer Bates.

,DISPATCHER:- How's everything going at Cherokee Creek?

You never checked in.

Oh, that was just a false alarm.

Everything looks good, it's all fine.

I checked out the north side,

I'm gonna go check out the east side now.

,DISPATCHER:- Sounds good, ten-four.

Ten-four.

Alright. Alright!

Everybody, clean up this crap, okay?

All of it!

Or I'm gonna find you in the morning.

Hey. Everything.

We're good, we're good, we're good.

I'm talking the plates, the cups, everything else, okay?

There's beer everywhere.

We don't need a fire.

Give me my hat.

Alright, we will clean it up right now.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Jarrett, pick up all this shit and throw it in the tent.

,JARRETT:- Okay.

,DREW:- Get that for me, man, I gotta take a leak.

I saw these titty bitches all over you

in the woods and you promised me

there wouldn't be strippers and now

you're not picking up your phone, I wonder why.

I wonder why, Pat.

I am going to keep calling you

until I find you in those fucking woods

and I'm going to sit you down.

Roll the window down.

.FFD700">(POUNDING ON GLASS)-

Have one hell of a talk

because right now I am questioning everything.

Everything, Pat.

Call me back. .FFD700">(KNOCKING CONTINUES)-

What?

You owe me for two dances and three drinks.

What are you talking about?

No, it's my bachelorette party.

My friends are in there, they've got me,

go talk to them.

Listen, there's no way you're getting married.

No dude would marry some chick

that's hanging out at a dick bar

every weekend with a life filled with such debauchery.

There's no bachelorette party,

you don't have any friends,

you're going home to feed your cats.

What?

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

I don't owe you shit, okay, dimwit?

Listen, there's no need to be a bitch.

I need you to pay for two dances, three drinks.

I see you in here every weekend

spending money on them dicks like it's crack.

So I need you to go ahead and crack open that purse

and pay for the two dances and three drinks that you got.

Okay, fine, don't be such a fucking dick about it.

Jesus Christ.

Two dances, three drinks, pay up.

.FFD700">(ENGINE REVS)-

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

Oh!

.FFD700">(PANTS UNZIPPING)-

Little chickee, eat a banana.

And I'll show you a big daddy.

That's right.

.FFD700">(MAN GROANS)-

You gonna get a workout tonight, Bubba.

That's right.

Big time.

Ooh, that bitch is hot.

Mmhmm.

What the fuck?

Hey, man.

You must be the producer that Jinx told me about.

Drew?

Oh yeah, you must be the aspiring actor, Dusty.

How tall are you?

How tall do you want me to be?

Well, the job posting said you had to be at least 6'5

or taller, you look like you're barely 5'11.

Well, hey man, don't worry about it

because between you and me, I have some KISS boots

back in my car that are ready to strap on.

Well, we got bigger problems.

What the fuck are you wearing?

What happened to the costume we gave you at the studio?

This looks like some cheap piece of shit

you'd get at a local retail outlet for a Halloween party.

Well, here's the thing, man.

That suit that you guys gave me

was so fucking hot and it smelled like absolute shit

whenever I got into it, man.

I picked this up for 50 dollars at the store

and it works just as good and it looks fucking cool.

Please tell me you know what method acting is.

Well, here's the thing,

I haven't been doing this that long

but I'm a really quick learner

and as long as you tell me what to do, I can do it.

I watch a lot of movies

and it really can't be that hard to pick up.

Oh, we are so fucked.

Alright, listen.

Method acting is committing to the part 100 percent, okay?

You don't even know where you begin

and the character ends. Yeah.

Basically, you cease to exist as a person.

Now listen to me, I want you to be Bigfoot.

Alright, so go and be Bigfoot, alright?

Get your KISS boots, put 'em on and put on the costume

that we gave you originally to wear.

Okay, yeah, I think I can do that.

No, don't think you could do it.

You either do it or you don't do it.

Okay, man, I can do it.

I just, just relax a little bit.

I want a hundred percent method.

Get in there and fucking growl,

fucking thrash shit around, alright?

Bigfoot's not a pussy, so quit acting like a pussy.

No more pussy talk! So don't be a pussy.

I won't!

Oh my God, I cannot believe Vinny Blades is out here.

I've seen all his movies and his music is badass, too.

I know.

I love 80s rock.

Maybe later we can double team him.

I'm all for that.

I mean, shit, and those eyes, oh my God.

I know.

All his friends are such dorks.

How do you think they know him?

They probably work for him or something.

Part of his entourage.

I don't think he could actually be friends with them.

,LACIE:- Me either.

.FFD700">(LACIE GASPS)-

Oh my God.

.FFD700">(WOMEN SCREAMING)-

Please tell me that was you.

What do you mean?

Please, tell me you put a bloody hand out there

for them to find.

Uh, oh, oh yeah.

No, no, no, that was me.

I put a bloody hand and some other stuff out there.

No, yeah, that was all me.

Okay, okay.

And you took care of the vehicles?

And the cell phones?

Well, the vehicles, yes, but the cell phones, no.

Oh, fuck, alright, look.

Gonna have to haul ass in the camp

while they're all out checking out

what the girls are freaking out about.

Alright, all the cell phones they're in

the tent Chad's in, alright?

And don't fuck this up if you wanna be in one of my movies.

You got it, I won't.

No, no, no, I got it. Go now.

Get the fuck outta here, Chaka.

Yeah, I got it, man!

I won't let you down, sir!

Fuck.

Hey!

What's goin' on?

I, I don't know, there's like something

over here that's dead, I don't know.

Shit, is that a bloody skull?

A bloody foot?

And some, something or someone must've killed it.

Why didn't you call me to come and protect you?

I could've done that.

What the hell is that?

Did some sort of animal attack?

Well, it could be, I mean shit.

They've had a lot of Bigfoot sightings out here,

that's why we brought Pat here in the first place.

Whoa, you think there's a Bigfoot

running around here killing people?

Well, yeah, why wouldn't it?

No, no, no, you guys Bigfoot wouldn't,

Bigfoot wouldn't hurt anybody, you know,

unless you're fuckin' with his territory.

Or him.

You know?

Come on, you know, you know the rules.

I told y'all.

Rules? I don't know.

I ain't never heard of no fucking Bigfoot rules.

Did you guys?

I don't know what the fucking rules are.

Did you tell me some rules?

Dude, I ain't never heard no fucking rules.

Guys!

What?

Rules!

Alright, fine, what are the rules?

You don't piss or shit or fornicate in his area.

His territory.

,VINNY:- What, out here?

Yeah.

Cause it's just disrespectful, man.

Like, he's an animal just like all the other animals.

What?

Yeah, he's just bigger and scarier.

That's all people do is piss

and shit and fornicate in the woods.

Um, okay, so I just pissed in the woods,

is he gonna come kill me now?

Yeah, so did I. Uh.

Yeah, what's the rules with the women?

I don't know, I mean they're female so

you might be alright but I'm not a hundred percent.

You don't really believe in Bigfoot, do you?

It had to have been another human, a bear,

some other animal, I don't believe that nonsense.

Um, I'm sure you're right, Bambi.

I mean, after all we do have these, you know,

handsome strong men to come protect us.

Well, of course.

That's right.

I would never let anything happen to you girls.

Not as long as I'm here.

Hey, Bambi.

Thanks for making this the best night of my life.

Could I maybe get your e-mail or your phone number?

Maybe your Instagram handle?

You're so sweet.

You can look me up on Facebook and add me

and after we're friends, you can see when I'm working

and come get some dances at the club.

Awesome!

That sounds great, yeah, I'll see you soon.

Okay.

Get back over here, man.

Alright.

Yeah, yeah, go to the club and spend all your money.

Smart man.

Good job.

What the hell, man, you alright?

You alright? You okay?

.FFD700">(PAT GAGS AND COUGHS)-

.FFD700">(GROUP YELLS)-

What the fuck, man?

That hit me!

Oh.

Oh, dude, dude, you okay?

What the fuck?

What the fuck's going on?

I, I don't think, I don't think I feel very good.

Think it hit me in the eye, dude.

Thanks.

You smell like shit, man.

Hey, you know what, guys?

I think we need to get him back to camp.

Yeah, I can't party with you guys.

Get him outta here, man.

Alright, guys, I think I was drugged, you know?

Hey, uh, me and Vinny are gonna take care

of the girls, we'll get 'em back to Brick.

Bye, girls. What?

We'll catch up with y'all later, alright?

.FFD700">(TENT UNZIPPING)-

Fucking party with fuckin' harlots without me?

I'm pissing in the fucking cooler.

.FFD700">(CHAD GRUNTING)-

Okay.

Oh.

Ah, yeah.

.FFD700">(BEAST GROWLING)-

Wait, that's my tent, that's my tent.

.FFD700">(CHAD CHUCKLING)- .FFD700">(BEAST SNARLING)-

Taste the rainbow.

I get the best seat in town.

Ooh.

Hey!

Fucking watch out, you almost hit my dick!

Ah, guys, fuckin' stop.

Ah, fucking dickhead.

Fucking shit, fucking cut it,

ah, fuck you!

Ow!

You fuckin' asshole.

Ow!

Ah!

Ow!

.FFD700">(CHAD PANTING)-

.FFD700">(CHAD YELLS)-

Stop, guys!

Guys, fucking stop!

Stop, okay, I'm sorry I peed on the camp, okay?

Just fucking cut it out.

.FFD700">(BEAST GROWLING)- .FFD700">(CHAD YELLING)-

Who's fucking doing that?

Stop that shit.

That fucking.

.FFD700">(WHIMPERING AND GROWLING COVERS UP DIALOGUE)-

Fucking God, please.

I don't, thou.

Thou art the father in Heaven,

in Heaven, come unto glory for fucking, think,

and break the trespassers.

What the fuck?

Oh my fucking God.

Oh, straight to voicemail?

You turned your phone off?

Motherfucker, I'm gonna embarrass you

in front of all of your friends,

how does that sound?

Yeah, that's right, motherfucker.

I put a tracker on your phone.

.FFD700">(ALARM BLARING)-

Fuck, stop, fuck, I'm awake.

You fucking noise, fuck!

.FFD700">(BEAST GROWLING)-

.FFD700">(CHAD GRUNTS)-

Shit. .FFD700">(TENT UNZIPPING)-

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

Shit.

Shit every fucking where.

Shit.

.FFD700">(CHAD PANTING)-

.FFD700">(BEAST GROWLING)-

Shit.

Oh, oh, oh. Uh oh.

Oh, he's gonna blow. Oh, oh, oh.

Ooh!

Aww. Dude.

Oh, I'm not lookin' over there.

I'm okay.

Hey, where is it?

Where's my phone? Okay, it's over here.

Find my phone. We'll get it.

Okay, okay, alright. Watch your step.

Oh, log, log, log.

There's a log there, there's a log.

Okay, log, log, yep.

Is it in here? Yeah, can you get in there?

Oh, easy, easy, easy!

You can

check that out, I'm not.

He's okay.

Hey.

He's okay. Okay.

Hey, listen, speaking of cell phones,

my portable cell phone charger,

I left it in the car.

I'ma have to go get it, man.

What? Yeah.

I can't be without a cellphone.

Hey, you take care of him, I'll be back in a few.

You got this. What?

No, you can't leave me with him!

Jarrett! Hey.

Hey. Hey, hey, there's a lantern.

There you go. I have to call Caroline.

Hey, Pat! What?

Uh, Chad's gone.

Who gives a shit?

I should've knocked him out years ago

for his shit mouth tying.

Go get my phone!

I gotta call Caroline.

Uh, Pat? Huh?

Uh, phone is broke into a bunch of pieces.

What do you mean broke into pieces?

I guess when Chad woke up from being knocked out,

he got really pissed and smashed up our phones

and then he left.

You know it sounds just like something

that asshole would do, you know that?

Oh, I'm fucked up.

I'm pretty, I'm fading fast, man.

I can't.

I can't deal with this right now, okay?

I'll find him in the morning.

I'll give him a sandwich.

I'll give him a knuckle sandwich.

What am I supposed to do?

Shut up and go to sleep.

I can't go to sleep!

I slept for 16 hours straight for this badass party,

I wanna get some action!

Plus I need somebody cool to hang out with.

Oh my God, just stop talking.

Leave me alone, go sleep in Chad's tent.

Go!

Now fuck off!

.FFD700">(PAT GRUNTS)-

Hey, Pat.

You're a real dick.

.FFD700">(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)-

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)- .FFD700">(CHAD GRUNTING)-

Shit, fucking fuck, fuck, shit, shit.

Fucking fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, oh shit, fucking please.

Fuck, fuck, please, please.

.FFD700">(OWL HOOTING)- .FFD700">(CHAD GASPING)-

.FFD700">(CHAD PANTING)-

Holy shit.

Pat was right.

.FFD700">(BEAST GROWLING)-

.FFD700">(CHAD GURGLING AND GROANING)-

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT SNARLING)-

Ooh, I gotta take a shit.

Ooh.

.FFD700">(DREW FARTS)-

Mm, oh shouldn't have had that hot dog.

Oh, God.

Shit.

.FFD700">(DREW FARTS)-

Oh. .FFD700">(FARTING CONTINUES)-

.FFD700">(DREW GRUNTS)-

Ooh, that is rancid.

.FFD700">(LEAVES RUSTLING)-

Dusty?

Is that you? .FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLING)-

.FFD700">(DREW FARTS AND GROANS)-

Oh, how am I gonna wipe this up?

Oh.

Some leaves, leaves.

Oh, that's not gonna work.

Oh, shit, I gotta get the sock.

Gotta get a sock.

Take off my sock.

Oh, shit.

Oh.

.FFD700">(DREW SIGHS)-

Oh, yeah.

Mmm.

Oh, good lord.

Oh, that stinks.

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT SNARLING)-

Oh, yeah, that's gonna clean up nice.

What the fuck?

God damn it.

Fuck!

I'm, shit!

Fucking shit everywhere!

God damn it!

Fuck it.

I'll shower it off when I get home.

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT SNARLING)-

.FFD700">(LOW GROWLING)-

What the fuck is that?

.FFD700">(BIRD CAWING)-

Uncle?

Vinny?

Dusty?

Dude, is that you?

Now that's the fucking Bigfoot

costume you're supposed to wear.

Yes!

Hey, let's hug it out, bitch.

Oh!

Jesus, you're strong!

Hey, man, I can't breathe.

Motherfucker, I can't breathe!

You win!

No more, man, no more, man.

.FFD700">(BONES CRACKING)- .FFD700">(DREW SCREAMS)-

This is the spot that that dude, Brick,

told me to meet him at.

He said if the girls weren't here

at this exact fucking moment,

he was gonna charge me an extra 600 bucks.

I don't know, it went straight to voicemail.

Hey, man, look, relax, we got here early.

Right?

So let's just enjoy the night.

Okay?

Maybe he's out there taking a shit.

I think he's trying to gip me.

He's trying to fucking rip me off.

So what do you do?

He decides he's gonna disappear

and then charge me because I can't find his ass.

I think it's gonna be alright.

Okay?

Let's just go out and enjoy our night.

Let's go for a walk.

So how do you guys know each other?

You talking about me and Pat or me and Vinny?

You and Vinny.

Like, I mean, I know Vinny, he's a celebrity,

but like where do you?

Where do you fit into all this?

What?

Are you fucking serious right now?

You're fucking kidding with me, right?

I've seen all of Vinny's movies

and I've never seen you.

Really? Mm mm.

You're full of shit because if you know how to read

fucking credits, where it says produced by,

it says produced by me.

And also it has my name as one of the co-leads with him.

I saved his ass on that fucking Switchblade movie.

That's why he changed his fucking name to Vinny Blades

and he has a whole fucking franchise.

Because of me.

Fuck you!

How dare you make me drive all the way

to the woods in the middle of the night

when all I wanted was just one simple night

out with the girls before I get married?

That's literally all I wanted, but no.

You had to post this fucking video online

with these, these, these, these, these fucking

like titty out, fucking witch women, bitches, cunts,

whatever the fuck they are all over you.

So now I've gotta come sort that shit out.

You spread your fucking seed too much.

You're with a fucking different girl every night.

Dude, just, you know what you should do?

You should take a little responsibility

and wrap that motherfucker up every once in awhile.

That's not rock n' roll.

I like to feel skin on skin.

Condoms suck.

You don't feel shit.

Those chicks thought you wearing a condom

and you just fucking took it off

and planted your fucking seed in 'em, man.

Without 'em even knowing.

That's not cool.

It's quite obvious you're fuckin' jealous, man.

Just because nobody recognizes you from shit.

Oh yeah, they recognize me.

Is that my fault?

No.

And by the way, let me tell you,

is it my fault, it's not my fault,

that these women that are accusing me

of fathering their child and not paying child support,

that's not my responsibility.

They make a pill for that.

They should be taking that.

.FFD700">(JINX SCOFFS)-

It's not your responsibility?

It's not your responsibility?

That's why you couldn't

get a fuckin' passport, motherfucker.

When you promised me you were gonna take me

to the Toronto Film Festival to introduce me

to those guys that made that shitty vampire movie.

You told me you were gonna take me

to introduce me to those guys

and you told me to go get a fucking passport.

I spent 300 dollars getting a rush on that motherfucker.

And then I said, hey, dude, are we going?

And you're like, dude, I can't go.

I can't get a passport.

You know why?

Cause of your fucking cock and your fucking seed

spreading that you gotta go

all over the fucking place spreading around.

That's why.

Maybe if you weren't such an asshole

and stopped being so jealous

and you didn't cockblock all the time,

then you might actually get some pussy, too.

Yeah.

Quit cockblocking, man.

You doin' these pop shots again.

Really? Yeah.

I'm the asshole here tonight?

I'm the cockblocker?

I'm the fucking asshole here tonight?

Because I'm trying to save your asses

from getting knocked up by his fucking seed?

Or catching an STD or something?

I've done nothing but try to show all of you

a fucking good time!

I've been spending all my money

on getting us all this fucking bullshit for your guys.

Then what the fuck are you arguing about?

,JINX:- Oh my God.

,LACIE:- Bambi, are you ready to go?

Vinny?

Yeah. Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, you know what? What's happening?

What's happening here?

We're gonna go for a walk.

I don't think so.

You're not going anywhere with this guy.

Not the two of you, one of you is coming with me.

Now you can decide now

or I'm gonna take the matters into my hands.

Yeah, I'm not going with you.

Really?

I'm trying to save your life here

and you're gonna take this guy's word?

Even though he said all this bullshit to you?

He just admitted it to you

and you're still gonna go with him?

I don't wanna go.

Here's the deal, I'm gonna flip this quarter.

One of you is heads, one of you tails.

You know what?

You're gonna be heads, you're gonna be tails.

And this fucking quarter is gonna save your life.

You know why?

Because whoever comes with me, doesn't get a fucking STD

and doesn't get knocked up by this motherfucker, okay?

And you're gonna get a big fucking bonus for the night.

A little extra tip for coming with me, okay?

So here we go.

Oh, it's heads.

Looks like Bambi's the big winner.

Let's go.

,CAROLINE:- Well, you know what?

You better just call me back.

You got, you have two minutes to call me back.

Two minutes.

Call me the fuck back.

Fuck you, Pat!

Call me back.

Why don't you, uh, turn around here.

I got this thing I've been wanting to always try.

Yeah, stay there.

Yeah, this is it.

This is it!

Don't turn around now,

I'm getting in the moment here.

Alright.

.FFD700">(JINX GROANING)-

Ah, yeah.

Yeah, alright.

Oh, shit, I'm gonna fall over.

Now when I give you the sign,

you turn around, okay? Okay.

Alright, but you gotta wait for the sign.

Ready boy, here we go.

Alright.

.FFD700">(JINX HOWLS)-

What do you think?

.FFD700">(JINX CHUCKLES)-

You're ready, right?

I am so ready, come on.

Let's get this party started.

This is what I've been waiting for.

I think that's good enough.

I'm worked up.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Suck that dick.

Why are your nipples so small?

Are you fucking serious right now?

I don't fucking know.

I guess because my nipples didn't go through puberty.

What do you want me to do about it?

Fucking get a nipple job or something?

Jesus Christ, just.

Focus on what you're doing, let's go.

Just make sure you use this and pull out.

Super paranoid about getting pregnant, okay?

Okay.

Alright.

Oh, I'm opening it.

Can I take this off?

Sure.

Oh, yeah.

Alright, you ready?

Yeah.

I'm ready.

Okay.

.FFD700">(GROANING)- Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh.

Oh yeah.

,BAMBI:- Why did you shave like that?

Really?

My pubic region looked even worse than my face, okay?

So I thought you might appreciate it

if I cleaned up a little bit

if something like this was to happen.

And when I tried to shave it,

I fucked up so I had to shave the whole thing.

Any more questions?

Are we good?

Alright, let's keep this going.

.FFD700">(JINX MOANING)-

God, I can't believe it's been 10 years

since I had a fucking blowjob like this.

Oh, shit, look at those titties.

Oh my God.

.FFD700">(JARRETT LAUGHS)-

Oh yeah. .FFD700">(LACIE MOANS)-

You gonna cum? Yeah.

Yeah. Almost.

Okay.

Well, let's cum together.

Okay. Alright?

I'm serious, pull out, though.

I know!

I'm next, we're gonna keep it in the fucking family.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

I'm gonna cum.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah. Together.

Alright, here I cum.

.FFD700">(COUPLE MOANING)-

Who's your daddy?

I'm your fucking daddy.

I'm your fucking daddy.

Oh my God.

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT SNARLING)-

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLING)- .FFD700">(JARRETT SCREAMING)-

.FFD700">(JARRETT WHIMPERING)-

,BAMBI:- What was that?

What was what? That sound.

I thought, I said don't stop again.

We told you about the Bigfoot actor, right?

That we hired a Bigfoot actor to come out

and scare fucking Pat tonight for his bachelor party?

It's just that actor fucking around over there.

Just fucking with Pat.

Don't worry about it, okay?

Can we, can we just

get this done?

I paid you 600 bucks, okay?

You said you would swallow, so.

No more interruptions, I don't care what happens,

what noises you hear, no more questions.

You finish me off and swallow, okay?

We good?

Awesome, let's do that.

.FFD700">(JARRETT WHIMPERS)-

Fuck yeah.

Oh, that's so good.

.FFD700">(JINX MOANING AND GRUNTING)-

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT SNARLING)-

.FFD700">(JINX GRUNTS)-

Yeah.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

.FFD700">(JINX SCREAMS)- .FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLS)-

Whoa! Your dick!

Help me! It's gone!

Holy shit, you been Bobbited.

She bit my fucking nut off, Vinny!

She bit my fucking nut off!

Alright, man.

We're gonna fix you up, hold on.

.FFD700">(JINX SCREAMING)-

Oh, fuck man. You killed my friend!

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLING)-

I got it, buddy. Oh, she bit,

my fucking God!

Help me, man!

Help me, man, she bit my dick off, Vinny!

,VINNY:- I got it.

.FFD700">(WOMAN SCREAMING)-

Hey, it's not the fucking actor, man!

It's not the fucking actor, it's a real one.

Oh my God!

Help me!

See, I got it!

I got it! You got it!

Let's go, come on!

Let's fucking go!

Vinny, help!

.FFD700">(LACIE SCREAMS)-

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLING)-

.FFD700">(LACIE SCREAMS)-

We'll fix you up, man.

.FFD700">(JINX SCREAMS)-

Holy shit!

What?

Oh, shit. It's a fucking bear trap!

Oh, it's a bear trap.

It's exactly what the park ranger was telling us about!

What?

Oh, oh, get it off! Oh god!

Where am I gonna put this down?

Get it off! Yes, I know.

.FFD700">(JINX GRUNTS)-

One, two, three!

.FFD700">(JINX SCREAMS)-

Pull it, fucking do it!

.FFD700">(JINX SCREAMS)-

Oh!

Shit, we fucking pulled my hand off, man.

Oh, shit!

.FFD700">(JINX AND VINNY SCREAM)-

Oh, shit! Oh, fuck!

.FFD700">(JINX SCREAMS)-

We pulled it off, man.

We pulled my fucking hand off!

Shit, man. Oh my God.

Just fuckin' leave me, man.

Just fuckin' leave me, bro.

We're gonna fix you, we're gonna fix you

and then we can go. Just leave me, dude.

Come on!

I fucking ain't got no arm

and I got no hand and oh, my dick, man.

It's fucking over.

I'm not gonna leave you, man, come on.

Come on. It's over, bro.

Man, we gotta do Switchblade 5.

Remember that! I can't, man.

I got you a lead role in that this time.

I can't do it, man.

Dude, we gotta do it.

We could fix you!

Man, I'm fucked up bad, man.

That Bigfoot actor I hired,

I thought that was him but that

was a real fuckin' Bigfoot, man.

He was fuckin' a real one, dude.

He fuckin' knocked that fucking

Bambi's head right off with my cock in it, bro.

I'm telling you, man.

I fucked up, man, the actor fucking was supposed to,

the actor Bigfoot he was supposed to go

and fuck up all the vehicles, bro.

He's supposed to fuck up all of our cellphones, dude.

Oh my God, man.

He's supposed to fuck up everything.

There's no fucking way out, man.

There's no way out.

I'm gonna bleed out, man.

I got no hand, no dick,

I can't even fucking jack off anymore!

What'll I do?

We'll make it work, okay?

Let's get out of here, alright?

Okay?

Just go, man. No!

Just get to the, gotta get to the.

Jinx!

Jinx!

Come on, bro!

.FFD700">(VINNY SOBBING)-

We're gonna make it work.

We're gonna make it work.

Get your fucking cock and your hand.

We're gonna fix you, brother.

Alright?

We're gonna do Switchblade 5, alright?

I promise you!

You're the lead!

We're gonna do it!

Oh God, man.

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

Dude, wake up!

Wake up! What?

Wake up! What?

What the fuck?

What?

Where, what, what's going?

What the fuck?

Hey, wake up!

Wake up, man!

Is that?

Vinny, why do you have a dick in your hand?

Why is there a dick and hand in your hands?

Dude, I was getting laid, man.

Jinx was getting his fucking dick sucked

but the fuckin' Bigfoot was a real Bigfoot.

Not the fucking actor that he fuckin' hired.

Bigfoot came and killed both fuckin' strippers.

Knocked one of their fuckin' heads off.

Fuckin' Jinx's junk was in her fuckin',

Oh!

And then Jinx passed out, so I went over to him

and he said something to me

and we gotta go to a fucking,

we gotta go to the van, but he said the fucking car,

all the phones are gone and the Bigfoot

fucking actor fucked all the cars up, man.

Do you know what I'm sayin'?

No! What?

Dude, you're not making any fucking sense!

Wait, okay, okay, okay, first of all,

are you high?

Are you on drugs right now?

No!

We gotta find the phones, we're gonna find the phones.

He said something that.

We gotta, we gotta get something in the van.

What?

There's, uh, Chad smashed all the phones!

Oh, shit. Yeah, they're in his

fucking tent right now, they're in a million pieces.

Oh, God.

All of 'em?

Yes!

What are we gonna do, man?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, dude, what'd you guys give me, man?

Dude, don't worry, man.

We just gave you fuckin' pot brownies

and some beer so you could chill the fuck out.

Now listen to me, listen!

It's just you and me.

We gotta get outta here before that thing gets here.

Yeah, let's go! So we gotta go now.

Now! Now!

Let's go! Alright!

I gotta put this shit on ice, man.

We gotta go!

,VINNY:- I gotta put this on ice.

Okay, what are you doing?

I gotta wash my hands. Come on, man!

I gotta wash my hands!

I'll be right there.

Ah!

.FFD700">(PAT YELLING IN THE DISTANCE)-

Oh, fuck! Where are you going?

The lantern!

Oh, there!

.FFD700">(VINNY YELLING)-

Come on!

Jinx!

We're comin', baby!

Jinx!

Where is he? Oh, shit.

Where is he?

Oh my God.

Is he dead?

Oh, shit, Jinx.

Oh, God.

Ooh, God. What?

Yeah, he's dead, man. What?

That's gross.

Jinx.

Oh, fuck, what do we?

Vinny, what do we do now?

I told him this was a bad idea, man.

We'll have to kill him off for Switchblade 5.

What?

I had a big part for you, bro.

I was gonna give it to you.

Give you the fuckin' lead.

What are you talking about?

Our movie, Switchblade 5.

Have you not seen it?

You're in a movie?

What kind of friend are you?

Wait, did you?

Did you say Switchblade 5?

I haven't seen four of his movies?

Man, I'm sorry, Jinx.

It's right here.

.FFD700">(ZIPPER HISSING)-

What are you doing?

Taking a piss.

Haven't you heard anything I've said?

I don't give a shit, man.

Pissing all over your fuckin' trees, fuckin' Sasquatch!

Fuckin' skunk-ape!

Fuckin' Harry and the Andersons bullshit.

Oh, man. .FFD700">(BIGFOOT ROARING)-

What?

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT ROARING LOUDER)-

He's coming back.

We gotta get to the van, man.

Let's get it. Go, go!

Sorry, Jinx, ew.

Hope the van is still around here.

Where are we going?

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLS)-

Oh shit, .FFD700">(MUMBLES)-.

Do you remember where that van's at?

What van?

The van.

What, the van you brought me in?

Yeah.

When I had the hood on my head?

Oh, yeah.

Fuck, we're fucked.

Shh!

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLING)-

Go, we should go. Yeah, let's go.

Come on, we gotta find it. Go, go!

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT ROARING)-

Oh, go, man! Come on, come on.

Go! Yeah, I know!

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLING LOUDER)-

I think it's this way!

Go. I'm runnin', man!

.FFD700">(MUFFLED YELLING)-

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT CONTINUES TO GROWL)-

Oh, God.

Come on, get up and run!

Okay.

Go on the other, Tires, get down.

Oh, this tire's flat!

Is that one flat, too?

Yes, fuck!

This is all your fuckin' fault!

My fault? Yes, your fault.

You took a piss.

I told you not to take a piss!

He's got your fuckin' scent.

Don't worry about that, man.

That's all a myth.

A myth?

It's not a fuckin' myth.

That thing is not gonna stop

until it fuckin' finds you, man.

Hey, we got this under control.

Oh, do we?

Do we really?

I'll tell you one thing, though.

Just like Switchblade 3.

I drove a van just like this with no tires,

I'll get us out of here in no time.

Shut up, shut up!

This isn't a fuckin' movie!

This is real life and that thing's

is gonna fucking kill us!

Don't, don't!

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT RUMBLING SOFTLY)-

He's there?

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT SNARLING)-

Oh, fuck, it's coming.

What? It's coming, go, go.

Get in the van.

Get in!

.FFD700">(JINX YELLS)- .FFD700">(VAN DOORS CLICK SHUT)-

Got the keys? Yeah.

Key, where's the fuckin' key?

Where's the fuckin' keys?

Damn, fuck!

He fuckin' took the key. Who?

The fuckin' Bigfoot actor guy

that we fuckin' hired for this.

He messed up all the cars,

now he took the fuckin' keys.

Fuck! Son of a bitch.

Betsy! What?

Oh, yes!

Oh!

That's what he was talking about.

Who? Jinx!

That's why he wanted us to come to the van.

To get the gun. Yes, yeah!

Oh. Shh.

I think he's still here, get down.

Get down. Oh, dude.

,PAT:- Oh, God, holy shit.

Look at that.

That's the real one, right.

Oh, fuck, we're gonna die.

We're gonna die.

.FFD700">(SQUEAKING ON GLASS)- Where'd he go?

Is it gone?

I hope it's gone.

Fuck, okay.

.FFD700">(LEAVES RUSTLING)-

Think he's gone? Is he gone?

Shh.

He's not gone! .FFD700">(Pat and Vinny scream

Go away!

Oh, God!

Oh, shit! Vinny!

Where is he?

Where is he?

.FFD700">(MEN SCREAMS OVERLAP)-

Pat?

Pat!

Patrick Anthony Taylor!

Patrick?

Hello?

Patrick!

What the hell is that?

What?

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

Oh nice, you broke your phone.

Still found you, motherfucker.

What is this?

Huh?

.FFD700">(CAROLINE GASPS)-

Beer!

Patrick!

Jinx, you lying motherfucker, I knew it!

What is this?

Oh, that's cute.

.FFD700">(CAROLINE LAUGHS)-

That's cute, guys.

Nice little Halloween party, adorable.

Great.

What?

What?

Is this your little bromance souvenir?

That's great, that's oh my god, it's real!

No!

Oh my God!

Oh my God, oh my God!

,DISPATCHER:- 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Yes, hello, I'm in Cherokee Creek

and there's a fucking cooler with a hand and a penis in it.

And there's beer in it!

And my boyfriend was supposed to be

at the bachelor party, I can't find him

or his friends anywhere.

Please, you gotta get here quick!

Cherokee Creek!

Get here quick!

Oh, God.

Patrick!

Patrick!

Jinx!

Patrick!

Where are you?

Patrick?

Patrick!

Patrick!

Patrick!

Where is it?

What is it doing?

You okay? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm alright.

It's okay. I'm alright.

I mean it just come and play,

Yeah, we're alright.

We're alright. We're good.

We're good.

.FFD700">(PAT LAUGHS)-

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLS)-

Do you see it?

No, come on.

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

.FFD700">(CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT)-

Shh!

Okay, let's go.

What the fuck?

Oh, come on!

Of course. Fuck!

Fucking tires are flat.

Shh.

Alright, locked?

It's locked.

Maybe this side.

Fuck.

Locked, God damn it.

Hey, man, these aren't flat.

Hey, check the other side.

No. Really?

Uh huh. Fuckin' hot.

Ah! Shit.

Of course. Keys.

We need keys.

Whose car is this?

Oh, I bet it's the stripper's car!

Oh, yeah.

Uh, Brick!

Brick probably has the keys!

Brick?

Uh, yeah, you know like the bouncer.

Oh. Come on.

Let's go check on that.

.FFD700">(INTENSE MUSIC)-

.FFD700">(LEAVES RUSTLING)-

What the fuck is that?

It's the tree.

Past the tree.

What is that?

Shh, get down.

That's, oh my God.

Is that him? I don't fucking know.

What do you mean you don't fucking know?

You're the fuckin' expert.

Dude, there's a real one, there's a fuckin' fake one.

How am I supposed to know the difference?

Well, fuckin' shoot it.

You got the gun.

You shoot it.

Here.

I never shot one before.

You fuckin' kidding me?

You're in all those action movies.

Yeah, but I gotta use a knife.

Okay.

Just fucking shoot it, come on.

Let's get the fuck outta here.

Come on, man, I'm still pretty fucked up

off that thing you gave me.

I don't like it, man, I don't like it.

Let's just, let's just find the keys.

Let's find the dude that's got 'em

and get the fuck outta here.

Cause what if I miss?

I just piss it off.

Alright, alright. Yeah.

Just wait till, just wait till it leaves.

Okay.

There it goes. There it goes.

There it goes.

Hey, let's go that way. Alright.

Go, go.

What the fuck?

Get the fuck,

oh, oh, it's Brick!

Hey, oh, fuckin'.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God. Oh, shit.

Fuck!

Check him for keys.

Keys.

Look.

Man, there's nothing.

Fuck!

Um.

The strippers.

The strippers gotta have 'em.

I know where they're at, come on.

Come on.

There they are.

Oh, yes. Oh my God.

They gotta have it, man.

Go check her.

I'll check this one.

Fuck.

Um, okay.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

.FFD700">(VINNY YELLS)-

Gross!

Fuck yeah!

I got it!

Oh, shit.

Vinny, behind you!

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT GROWLS)-

.FFD700">(VINNY PANTS)-

Holy shit.

.FFD700">(VINNY SCREAMS)- .FFD700">(BIGFOOT ROARS)-

.FFD700">(VINNY COUGHS)-

.FFD700">(VINNY YELLS)-

Shit!

I got it.

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT RUMBLES)-

Fuck you, man! .FFD700">(SCATTERED GUNSHOTS)-

.FFD700">(PAT SCREAMS ARE COVERED BY BIGFOOT'S GROWLS)-

Fuck, Vinny.

.FFD700">(PAT GROANS)-

What the fuck?

Gotta get the key.

I need the key.

Oh.

.FFD700">(PAT RETCHES)-

It was supposed to be you and me, man.

Oh, fuck, where is it?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

Thanks, man.

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

You son of a bitch!

.FFD700">(LOUD GUNSHOTS)-

.FFD700">(PAT GROANS)-

.FFD700">(CAROLINE LAUGHS)-

Oh my God!

Oh my God, I'm so glad to see you.

Look at you.

Why the hell were you shooting at me?

Are you crazy?

I wasn't shooting at you,

I was shooting at that bear or whatever it was.

It was attacking you!

It was behind you!

See?

What was that? You killed it!

That's Bigfoot!

That is fuckin' Bigfoot.

And you killed it.

He killed everybody.

Everybody's dead.

Almost got me.

But I made it. Mmhmm.

And you're lucky I didn't kill you

for everything you have put me through tonight.

You betrayed me!

You put all those videos all over my social media

accounts of those strippers all over you.

Why would you do that?

Are you fuckin' serious?

Did you hear me?

Everybody's dead! Yes, I heard you!

I almost died!

But you broke your promise to me.

Everybody that I came here with,

Jinx, they're all dead.

I heard you. I am done.

You hear me?

Done being your pussy whipped little bitch.

I didn't put any videos on your social media account.

Okay, so I'd appreciate it if you cutted me

a little fuckin' slack.

And to top it all off,

I don't know what happened.

The last thing that I can remember

is I was arguing with Jinx about the strippers

you're so concerned with.

Next thing I know, I get woken up by Vinny

and he's got a fucking severed dick

and another ripped off hand just in his hands.

How do you know this wasn't one of Jinx's pranks?

Huh?

He's friends with all of the special effects people,

he does this stuff all the time,

I've personally never trusted him

and because he promised nobody would get hurt,

I said, okay, fine. Okay, stop.

And he promised there'd be no strippers!

And what was there?

Strippers!

Well, you're worried about strippers?

What you think I'm doing something out here?

Besides fighting for my own fuckin' life?

And if you're so worried about what I'm doing, what?

You're insecure?

You think I was doing something wrong?

What about you?

Feel like you're missing something.

So where were you at tonight?

While I was trying to not die?

.FFD700">(SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE)-

Do you hear that?

It's sirens.

I called the sheriff at the camp site!

Let's go, let's get him!

.FFD700">(SIRENS GROW LOUDER)-

I killed him!

I shot him, he's back there.

,OFFICER:- Drop your weapon!

No, no, you gotta go see. Drop that weapon.

I'm sorry. Up here.

Oh, I'd love to get .FFD700">(MUMBLES)-

and smell like beef in the morning.

Makes me horny.

What?

What have we got here? Oh my goodness,

what is this? I don't know.

But it's not.

He's dead. Throw him over.

On my count, one, two, three.

.FFD700">(MEN GRUNT)- .FFD700">(WOMAN GRUNTS)-

God, he stinks.

You gotta be kidding me.

,PAT:- No, I'm serious.

That's the story you expect us to believe?

Another Bigfoot story?

,PAT:- He's right there.

You know how many times we get pulled out here

for these Bigfoot stories?

I just shot him, he's right there

if you just please come with us, you will see him!

First of all, son, you're on restricted property.

That's a 300 dollar fine per person.

Second, why didn't you just go to a titty bar

like anybody else?

I mean, who comes out in the woods for a bachelor party?

Nobody.

Doesn't make sense.

Sir.

With all due respect, I am vehemently opposed

to titty bars and camping is all I would allow him to do.

All you would allow him to do?

Well, you're cool with him coming out

with his friends into a restricted area

and getting 'em all killed?

That doesn't make sense, ma'am.

I didn't know they would be trespassing.

I didn't know this would be a restricted area.

I didn't know there'd be strippers,

I didn't know there'd be an actor in a Bigfoot costume!

Of course there's gonna be strippers,

he's a man, isn't he?

What kind of controlling woman are you?

There he is!

Have a look for yourself. That's him!

Oh God, that's him.

.FFD700">(CAROLINE SOBS)-

Let's take a look at this thing.

Here's your Bigfoot, lady.

.FFD700">(CAROLINE GASPS AND SOBS)-

Looks like you killed this nice young man for no reason.

No, I, no. No!

Stop, that is not what it was.

Okay, that, no, no, no.

You said you knew about the party,

That's not what I shot!

I shot, I shot a Bigfoot! You said you knew

about the party and the plan.

Why didn't you check it out

before you opened fire and killed this poor kid?

I don't know, I didn't mean to!

You think a kid did all this?

We're gonna cuff 'em.

We're gonna take you in for more questioning.

We'll get to the bottom of this.

It's alright, it'll be good.

We'll find out exactly what happened out here.

Remain calm, okay?

We're innocent.

We didn't do anything!

We're innocent!

We need to reduce the drama, okay?

Everyone just calm down. What drama?

You are arresting us for no reason.

You think I did this?

You think I did this?

We're innocent!

,OFFICER:- Have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be

used against you in the court of law.

Get off, we're innocent!

We're innocent!

Sir, sir!

We are innocent, please.

Please.

Get in the damn car.

This is bullshit.

Hey!

Hey, that's her!

Hey, that's her! Let's go.

,PAT:- That's the park ranger.

Son, you're just diggin' a deeper hole with the lies.

Just be quiet, okay?

Tell it to the judge, if you want.

Let's go. Come on!

Get in the car! Look at her boobs!

Get in the car. Get him in the car, deputy.

Let's go!

Get him outta here.

No, no, no!

No, no! Let's go.

.FFD700">(CAROLINE YELLS)- Come on.

Let go!

Look, we're innocent!

Sheriff, I don't know what he's talking about.

I've never seen that man in my entire life.

Let me see it.

Vinny Blades.

What did I tell you about

hanging out with these damn campers?

They get you in trouble every time.

.FFD700">(BIGFOOT ROARS)-

.FFD700">(OMINOUS MUSIC)-

.FFD700">(ROCK MUSIC)-

God, a hand and a cock.

Oh.

How about a handjob, buddy, huh?

.FFD700">(MAN CHUCKLES)-

What'd you do, little lady?

What'd you do to get your head knocked off?

.FFD700">(CAMERA CLICKS)-

I found another one!

.FFD700">(WOMAN GRUNTS)-

What the fuck?

.FFD700">(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)-

Yeah! Alright!

Look at these motherfuckers!

Look at these guys.

You fuckin' made it through the fuckin' movie!

Cherokee Creek!

,MEN:- Cherokee Creek, Cherokee Creek!

Cherokee Creek, Cherokee Creek!

Oh, shit, hey.

Kids, if you're watching this,

don't fuckin' play with guns, okay?

But you do need to say Cherokee Creek

and, you know, you can come up with your own dance.

You don't have to do this one but,

come up with some kind of Cherokee Creek dance

and put that shit online. Yeah, you could do a dance!

I want you to tell every motherfucker out there.

Motherfucker! Motherfucker about our movie

Cherokee Creek because we made this

fucking movie for you guys.

We wanted to see a kickass Bigfoot movie

that had the tits and the ass and everything.

Tits!

And we didn't necessarily wanna see a dick

in there but everybody else was putting dicks in movies

and we did our research, so we're like, fuck it.

I'll put a dick in there and the dick is funny.

I think the dick's pretty funny.

I think the dicks are funny, yeah.

The dick in the movie was funny.

You get a great laugh out of the motherfucker.

Hey, you get, Anyway.

You get a laugh with the dicks.

I laughed.

Anyway, so get down to some business.

You motherfuckers. Yous.

You cool motherfuckers out there,

all of yous, what we need for y'all

to fuckin' do is tell everybody

about this motherfucking movie.

Get on the Facebook, the Twitter.

That's the like.

Shit, the Facebook, the Twitter,

whatever the fuck it is you're on.

The Instagram. Yes!

What's those other ones?

Facebook?

We said that one already, didn't we?

Instagram.

We said that, too.

Anyway, get on all the fuckin' formats

and whatever format comes out at the time

and tell them about this movie, Cherokee Creek

because we're a 100 percent independent film

and we did not take shit from nobody.

And we didn't change shit in this movie.

Because we delivered what we wanna do

and I know you fucking loved it

and if you did love it, the way we fucking love it,

tell some motherfuckers about it.

Hey, we did it the way we wanted to do it, right?

We did it the way we wanted to.

That's right. Yeah.

So fucking tell everybody.

Tell everybody.

,TODD:- Hey, don't leave.

Just stay there and keep an eye on them motherfuckers.

What do I do with this?

,TODD:- Man, hold it at the camera, make sure they do it.

Hey! Tell everybody.

Don't do anything wrong!

.FFD700">(LAUGHS)-

.FFD700">(ROCK MUSIC)-

. Here they come

. Run

. It comes at night without warning .

. With despair and full of rage .

. Fear the beast that lived before us .

. We're on his land, so unholy

. Here they come

. So run

. It's a waste to rent out a body .

. On the soil that is profane

. Got as high as the trees before you .

. And the scars that can't be seen, oh no .

. Here they come

. Run

. They see you

. They smell you

. They are the eyes that played with the moon .

. You can feel it

. But can't see it

. So alive

. So deadly

. Here they come

. Hey, yeah

. Here they come

You're not stealin' my scooter,

you son of a bitch.

,TODD:- You're not stealin' my scooter, you motherfucker!

Okay, ready?

Set, looking right here at my hand, mom.

You're doing good, don't worry.

And action!

You're not stealin' my scooter,

you motherfuckin' son of a bitch.

,TODD:- Oh boy, guys!

That's the first time she got it right.

,BILLY:- Nailed it!

,TODD:- Alright, come on, come on, come on.