Original subtitles

Excuse me?

Oh, that's right. The moment a woman turns 30,

they throw a cloak of invisibility over her.

Trust me, there's not a man on this earth

who would find you invisible.

Well, aren't you a sweetheart?

Mm.

I'll have a vodka gimlet and...

Shirley Temple. Make that a double.

You got it.

Gillian Kayhill. Nice to meet you.

Emerson Lake-Palmer.

Don't I know you from somewhere,

Mrs. Kayhill? It's Miss.

And I'm sure I'd recall meeting such a handsome young man,

unless I ran through one of your dreams?

Oh.

Nuts?

I'm afraid I'm allergic.

But you go right ahead.

Open up.

Oh!

Here's to new friends.

Why don't we order another round

and I'll show you how many times 26 goes into 50?

So, it only goes in once,

then you're left with 24 as the remainder.

So then you have 24 over 26,

which reduces to 12 over 13.

And 13 can't be reduced 'cause it's prime.

Exactly.

Now, why don't we do something

about that lump in your pocket?

There's just no good place to keep it.

Oh.

Wow.

That's better.

Mmm!

Something's trying to get out of your pants.

Oh.

My cock.

Oh.

Time to wake up, sleepyhead.

Sleepyhead?

Sleepyhead?!

Sleepyhead!

As discussed, our docket is free for the next two weeks,

so I'm sending the entire team for some much needed R and R.

I myself will be heading into the Himalaya,

where my parasite has family.

See you in two weeks.

No one's going anywhere.

There's a major breaking scandal in the U.S. Government.

I need the S.D.F. to deal with it immediately.

Is there any way it could wait, Mr. Vice President?

The team's exhausted, and I don't know how

this figures into it, but I don't want to.

The only thing that can wait is not this.

It's fine.

We'll take down whoever's responsible, lock 'em up,

and then we'll go on our break.

Who said anything about taking anyone down?

I need you to cover it up.

Bury it, smother it, sweep it so deep under the rug

you don't find it till you move.

I didn't realize we were in the business

of covering up scandals.

You're in the business of whatever business

I say you're in.

Now, this is the situation.

A member of the Cabinet has had

an extra-marital affair with a young member

of my staff.

Long story short, dead.

You gotta be kidding me.

We're all trained killers here.

I killed a guy today.

Now, we're mopping up after a booty call gone wrong?

He's not telling us everything.

Look at his body language.

She was a friend, okay?

Gillian Kayhill.

Secretary of the Interior Gillian Kayhill?

She's a good woman that made a mistake.

That explanation should be enough to satisfy everyone.

Sir, I really must...

I know you really must, Tribeca,

but we serve at the pleasure of the Vice President.

And I find this extremely pleasurable.

Now, make this go away, or I'll make you go away.

Now, this is a case... Wait, wait, wait.

You had an absolutely sick ending line.

I would leave it there.

Mm-hmm.

Room service!

Over there is fine.

Rule number one...

Don't open this door for anybody.

Thank God you're here.

I've been going out of my mind.

Pritikin...

Gillian.

It's good to see you.

The years have been kind to you.

I'm dying. You'd never know.

We're gonna take care of this.

But first things first...

I need you to tell me what happened.

Everything.

Omit no details.

I got downstairs to the bar at 6:45...

All right, all right! I got it!

Ms. Kayhill, do you make a habit of picking up young men?

Don't be ridiculous.

Ms. Kayhill, do you make a habit of lying

- about your habits? - No.

All right, yes.

I love young men.

I've tried everything to quit, even the patch.

All right, here's what's gonna happen...

A.J. and Scholls, get rid of the body.

Charo and Hoffman, scrub the scene.

Tribeca, question our involvement.

Sir, I really have to interject here.

We're just helping some lady cover up a murder?

Who even knows if she's someone we should be protecting?

I'm sitting this one out.

I don't know if she deserves our protection,

but I do know this. If we don't clean this up,

someone very close to you is gonna be compromised.

Who?

You?

I'm afraid so.

Didn't you ever wonder how I became L.A.'s

youngest lieutenant at age 25?

Well, I just figured you found a genie

and never gave it a second thought.

The truth is I had torrid affair with Ms. Kayhill.

How torrid are we talking?

Like, slightly ribald or full-on scurrilous?

She was the Mayor's Chief of Staff

with significant pull within the administration.

I was a young cop writing parking tickets.

She took me home from a bar and made love to me

in a way that was both brutal and tender.

Her orgasm sealed the Lieutenant's bars on my collar.

I only have 40 years left on this earth,

and all I want is to go out with my reputation intact.

Okay, sir. Okay.

All set here.

No contusions, no lacerations...

I'd say this is poison,

but I won't really know anything

until I cut him open.

You might want to back up, the young ones tend to spurt.

Hang on, I have another idea.

Before we figure out what's in his stomach,

why don't we figure out what's in his head?

Fine by me. Wait.

If we can determine Emerson's state of mind

at the time of the murder,

it might point us to who's responsible.

Help me get him to the back.

I really don't feel comfortable.

Come on. It's proven science.

Now, you're Gillian Kayhill, Secretary of the Interior.

You've just sat down at the bar next to a handsome man.

Go. Hello.

I'm Gillian Kayhill.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Kayhill.

Hi. I'm Emerson Lake-Palmer.

I work for Vice President Perry.

You're a very sexy woman,

did you know that?

Thank you. I do my best.

I find the age difference between us intoxicating.

People tell me I have a young soul.

You're exquisite.

Scholls? Scholls?

Are you listening to me?

He knew his killer! I'm sure of it.

And it definitely wasn't Kayhill.

Uh-huh.

Makes sense.

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm gonna need you

to remove all evidence of Gillian Kayhill

ever staying at this hotel.

Excuse me, sir, who did you say you were?

Uh...

The name's Backpack.

Well, Mr. Pack,

federal law requires that we keep records of every guest.

Come on, Mom, let's go.

Oh, look at this.

You recognize the person in this video?

Yeah, that's me pocketing the petty cash!

Oh.

What was the name you wanted erased?

Yeah, that's me pouring shots for a 9-year-old girl!

Oh.

No, I don't think I saw Ms. Kayhill in here.

Yeah, it's the bartender pouring shots

for a 9-year-old girl. So what?

Yeah, that's me.

So, we're gonna need that tape.

First I think you should watch this.

Oh.

Okay, you got us, but I don't think

you counted on us having this.

My high school production of "The Music Man."

"78 Trombones"?

I had the flu.

I missed the last week of rehearsals!

"Trouble with a capital M"?

All right! All right!

Jesus, you guys are animals.

How would you like to be the secretary of my interior?

I'm gonna open this particular piece of land for drilling.

Okay, we get it. No, no, no, no, no,

you have to see what she does next.

Drill, baby! Drill!

Okay. Dude, I'm with my mom.

Oh, son, they're just making love.

Well, this scandal is as erased as it's gonna get.

Anyone who saw Kayhill last night has either been shut up,

humiliated, or asked politely not to mention it.

So, if we can all live with the unsolved murder

of a promising young man, we're good.

Well, after I took a walk around Emerson's psyche,

Scholls decided to take a look-see at his insides

and I think you'll be quite shocked

at what she's discovered.

Take a look at the nuts.

Notice anything unusual?

What's the discoloration?

You're seeing the taint.

Every nut in his stomach was tainted

with an arsenic-based poison.

So, someone wanted Emerson dead.

- Kayhill? - I don't think so.

Everything I've found suggests that night

was the first time they'd ever met.

So, somebody wants Emerson dead

and they want Kayhill to go down for it.

What did Emerson do again?

Did he work for Vice President Perry?

He was his body man.

Yeah, he was!

The body man stays by the Vice President's side

at all times, carries his personal effects

as well as a phone that has a direct line to the President.

Well, if he's by his side at all times,

what's he doing at a hotel bar alone at 6:00 P.M.?

Chief, why don't you go have a word with Perry

and see what he's gotta say about it?

Chief?

Chief?

- We shouldn't be doing this. - Oh, come on.

We're consenting adults.

Whose room is this again?

I have no idea.

But it's their fault for leaving their door open.

Oh! It feels good to laugh again.

How long has it been?

About 45 minutes since the bellman

tripped over that cocker spaniel.

You know what else feels really good?

Gillian, I can't.

You're a married woman.

Didn't I tell you?

He passed away.

He's sitting right there.

Gillian, the last thing you need right now is another scandal.

I mean, we only just got away with cleaning up this last one.

Room service!

I gotta out of here.

Gillian, no!

Willie Dustice here from the Evening News.

Do you care to comment on the video of you...

No comment!

Sherry Netherlands from the Morning Gazette.

Any comment on the video?

Jeromy Gride, Midday Sun.

Will you go on record about the video?

What the hell is this video?

I don't know, but whatever it is,

we need to get rid of it.

And there's only one person who can scrub a video

from the entire Internet.

Let me call her.

No need.

Okay, I paid my gas bill.

Now, let's see how far that sex video has gotten.

900 million search results.

- Oh, my God. - I know. It's a good thing

we got it before it really got out there.

Is there any way to just scrub it from the net?

There is a way, but you're not gonna like it.

If it makes this thing go away, I promise you I'll like it.

Okay.

You press control, shift, alt, delete.

That resets the entire Internet.

Wait a minute, where are my contacts?

Oh, my God!

Uh, I lost all my bookmarks!

I can't remember my Netflix password!

I think I should tell you all now that

I get a lot of my information from Wikipedia.

It's gone! It's all gone!

That takes care of everything online,

but I can't do anything about the reporters

who already have their teeth in the story.

I want dirt on every single reporter

who's been sniffing around.

Dig up their dirty laundry and wrap it around their necks.

So, have you guys already figured out

who killed Emerson Lake-Palmer?

I was able to determine that the poison used on him

was a variety used by the U.S. Intelligence Services.

So, you're saying it was a spy poison?

This wasn't just some arsenic

from your grandma's medicine cabinet.

This was the real deal.

I'm talking FBI, CIA,

and the hard to remember one.

Sir, I know that we're supposed to just cover this up,

but my gut says we should pursue this.

A.J., Charo, put a lid on the reporters.

Tribeca, Duran, figure out where this poison came from.

Yes, sir.

Scholls, you and Hoffman...

Actually, sir, I have an appointment.

You have an appointment? We're in the middle of...

I'm getting my braces removed.

Oh! Congrats.

Did she always have...?

Well, that was Jeromy Gride from the Midday Sun

with his big scoop. It's all about Secretary Kayhill.

Where are we going with this?

This guy's clean as a whistle. I don't know.

Something about him is really bothering me.

I just can't put my finger on it.

I mean, he's eating the pudding first, but who doesn't?

So...

like...

what are we doing?

We're trying to find dirt on this reporter.

Didn't we talk about this like eight seconds ago?

No, I mean, you and me.

Like, are we together?

Yes, we're together...

here in this vent.

I feel like you're purposely trying to not have

this conversation.

What's your favorite food?

'Cause I really like those little Sour Patch Kids.

You know what? Forget it.

No, A.J.? Forget it.

A.J., come on.

How deep does this go?

Did the Vice President know that his bodyguard

was having an affair with... Shut up!

Shut up!

Tribeca, this is Glen-Allen Mixon,

former director of the FBI.

It's an honor to meet you, sir.

Why?

Haven't you ever met anyone?

Director Mixon, we have a situation...

Elizabeth?

No, sir, it's... it's me.

It's Diane Duran.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were someone else.

Elizabeth?

No, I'm Glen-Allen Mixon. And you are?

I'm gonna interject here.

I'm with the Special Division Force.

Oh, that cockamamie squad of losers

put together by the Vice President?

That's us.

Sir, it's so good to see you again.

I've always had such tremendous respect

for your intelligence and leadership.

I see where this is going.

Hey, little boy, why don't you go out and play some pinball?

You've probably heard about the Gillian Kayhill affair.

Which one?

Seriously, which one?

The one where Emerson Lake-Palmer ended up dead.

We think he was poisoned with a substance

that's only available to U.S. Intelligence.

And you want me to tell you who had access?

Breaking my oath to defend and protect our Constitution?

Come on, Glen-Allen.

You always had a soft spot for me.

I did, but the doctors removed it.

Please?

Okay, if that's the way you want to play it,

send your little brother to the movies

and let's get busy.

Oh! That was wonderful!

I feel like I'm 90 again.

You've been asleep for two hours.

And I didn't even have to go to the bathroom.

Before you nodded off, you made a call.

Who got the poison from the FBI?

I can tell you,

but I don't think you're gonna like it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I never saw this coming.

I see people.

They don't know they're dead.

I know, right?

Now, who killed Emerson Lake-Palmer?

I'm afraid it's a bit surprising, sir.

You may wanna wait until you finish taking a sip.

I'll be fine.

It has been the greatest honor of my life

to serve as your Secretary of the Interior.

But the recent murder charges against me

will interfere with my ability to sell off your park land

for oil drilling and mineral exploration,

and that's not what the American people deserve.

Therefore, I am resigning the Interiorship

as of midnight tonight.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

The plan worked perfectly,

and I couldn't have done it without you.

With Kayhill out of the way at Interior,

the acquisition of the Midwest can begin in earnest.

By who?

Who's trying to take over the Midwest?

I care about you too much to tell you that.

You said if I pinned the murder on Kayhill, we'd get married.

Oh, I care about you way too much to do that.

And there's a much bigger game

that has to be seen to its conclusion

before we can truly be together.

I need more than that.

You have no idea how hard this is for me.

I'm enormously popular at work.

What I will promise you is that when this is all over,

you're going to be First Lady of a brand-new country.

What's the country? Care too much.