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Dear sexy Draguta, I'll be heading your way soon.

I still can't believe I convinced my friends to do a semester in Romania

so we can finally be together.

Oh, man, I cannot wait to hook up

and do aII those nasty, dirty things that we IM'd about.

My friends think that you're gonna turn out to be reaIIy fat and ugIy,

but they're just jeaIous.

Anyway, you'II be meeting them pretty soon,

so maybe I shouId teII you a IittIe about them.

First' we've got Pete and Wang. They're way into avoiding stress.

Right now they're figuring out

how to get a semester supply ofstress reduction out of the country.

You ready?

I think so.

Oh, boy.

Goddamn! HoIy shit, that hurts!

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- It's in. - Okay.

Okay.

You ready?

It's just Iike pooping in reverse.

Pete's girlfriend's coming. Her name's Lia. She's a goody-goody.

She has a twin sister, Danni. She likes to party.

Danni, wake up. Danni, wake...

Then there's Newmar and Lynne. She's really into role-playing.

He's worried that she's a little out of his league in the sex department.

Newmar, you just take a homerun.

- Hey, you're supposed to come over here. - Okay.

Throw down the baII.

- Now, kiss me. - Yeah.

- Lynne! Lynne, are you okay? - I'm okay, baby. Come here!

- I'm gonna give it to you. - Yes, you are.

And you know that probIem I had? I'm pretty sure it won't happen again.

- That's great, baby. - I'm gonna give you the best you ever had.

Then there's Brady. He's a total geek.

- Hey, what up, man? - Hey, my book finaIIy arrived.

This puppy's got the entire history of Razvan University in it.

Do you know our schooI's gonna be in a castIe?

- His roommate Mike's a little confused. - Look at the Iegs on that chick.

I'd Iike to have her riding me for a whiIe, if you get what I'm saying.

- That's a guy, Mike. - What? No, it's...

No.

Then there's Cliff.

He was supposed to come with us, but I don't know what happened to him.

Hey, I got it, aII right?

What, do you think I'm gonna rip you off?

Looks Iike we got a deaI.

- I just wanna check the quaIity. - AII right.

This is my top earner, okay? Take care of her.

Okay?

WeII, that's everybody. Bye untiI we meet in Romania.

- HoIy shit! - Rusty?

Draguta, you got your camera to work. I can see you.

I can see you, too, Rusty.

- You Iook just Iike your picture. - You look even better than yours.

I've been working out.

- You are turning me on. - Yeah?

- What do you think about this? - Show me more.

AII right.

I just got it waxed. I hope you Iike it.

I would like to sink my teeth into them buttocks.

WeII, that's not aII that's waxed, baby. How's that for a haircut?

- You are torturing me. - Yeah? What do you think about this?

It's aII for you. It's aII for you, Scandinavian...

-... this is the room that we have to... - How I want that U.S. penis.

- Sweet! - Sweet!

So, Chapter 2. ''The castIe became infested with vampires. ''

Whoa, did you say vampires? I thought you were reading a history of the university.

I am. ''Vampires'' is what it says.

ActuaIIy, this book was written by one of the schooI's professors, Teodora Van SIoan.

Why wouId they have a schooI in a creepy oId castIe anyway?

AII right. If I couId continue reading this...

''In the Dark Ages, all feared the vampires of Castle Razvan.

''The leader of the bloodthirsty creatures

''was the ruthless vampire king known as Radu. ''

- No way. - Hey, Rusty, that guy Iooks just Iike you.

What?

I hate to teII you, but I'm a Iot better Iooking than this snowfIake.

No, you reaIIy do Iook just Iike him.

I didn't know that reaI vampires were so fat and ugIy.

Yeah? WeII, do fat and ugIy guys have girIfriends that Iook Iike this?

She's your girIfriend?

- Yeah, yeah. - Let me see.

She can't get enough of me. We have sex at Ieast twice a day.

How did you meet her, you smeIIy bastard?

On the Internet. She Iives right by the castIe.

Wait a minute. How have you had sex if you haven't met her yet?

Hey, what's that aII over the screen? Do you see that?

AII right, guys. Let me finish the story.

''Radu's great Iove was a human named Stephania, a sorceress as eviI as he.

''Together, they terrorized the countryside, feasting on the blood of the innocent.

''While Radu's love for the sorceress brought him strength,

''it was also his greatest weakness,

''a weakness that Victor Van Sloan, the famed vampire hunter,

''sought to exploit. ''

ExceIIent. The sun shaII rise in exactIy two hours.

Now, my boy, it is time to execute my genius pIan.

This pIan is stupid. You can't kiII aII those vampires by yourseIf.

Of course not.

I wiII be captured, and they shaII find me with this.

Now, remember, you must pIace the cart exactIy where I specify.

''X'' marks...

- ''X'' marks the spot. - I know.

ExactIy where I specify because it is of the utmost...

I know. ''X'' marks the spot.

- What is this? - Do not touch that, you witch.

It is too precious for your fiIthy eyes.

''In Stephania's arrogance, she walked right into Van Sloan's trap,

''for the music box was enchanted.

''Her soul left her body and was imprisoned inside the box. ''

Van SIoan!

I am the greatest vampire sIayer of them aII!

Shit.

''As the music box disappeared'

''Radu placed Stephania's body in his secret crypt'

''vowing one day to bring her back to life.

''Radu left Castle Razvan on a quest to recover his true love's soul.

''The hunt for the music box continues to this day. ''

Dude, that's it? What happened to the vampire? WouIdn't he stiII be aIive?

Yes, Pete, 'cause vampires are reaI. And you know what?

I bet Van SIoan's ancestors are stiII searching for that music box.

So, sort of Iike a story with no ending.

I shouId have brought my machine gun.

Reneau, bring me the music box. Now!

JeweIry, charms, scarves.

Handsome.

You have stars in your eyes. You are in Iove?

- Yeah, actuaIIy, I am. - Maybe Iocket for your speciaI girI?

How much for this music box?

Where is it? I Iost it. Where is it?

Where is my...

Must have been a big Romanian bug or something.

Hey, Pete. Look what I got.

- Mr. Wang, my good, good man. - A shampoo bottIe. Party.

- So, who wants to get high? - I do. This guy. PIease, thank you.

Are you guys smuggIing drugs?

Do you guys even know what the drug Iaws are in this country?

Baby, baby, no one's gonna get caught as Iong as everyone stays cooI.

- You guys in? - I'm in.

You know I don't do drugs.

WiII you stop acting Iike such a goody-goody?

- I've seen where you have a tattoo. - Lia, can you just Iive for once?

Okay, and why don't I teII Mom you're trying to get me addicted to drugs?

It's pot. You can't get addicted, you retard.

Hey, I found something super crazy in the baggage car.

- Ladies, you know where to find us. - Peace out.

- Lia! HeIIo. - Hey, Brady.

Can you beIieve we're here in Romania?

I mean, I've heard it's beautifuI and aII, but... You're shutting...

Sorry, I got in your way.

Check these out, dude. I wonder if the peopIe inside are aII naked.

Awesome.

No, no, no, don't open that.

Look at them titties.

That is one fine-ass dead girI. Let's smoke.

Hey, gorgeous.

So, I was thinking about the many different ways that a guy can make a girI happy

when I happened upon this.

- I bought you a present. - Newmar, it's beautifuI.

I Iove it.

I don't see a coIIege.

WeII, I'II just ask one of the friendIy IocaIs about it, huh?

Excuse me, sir? Yeah. Can I get some directions from you?

- Where you need to go? - We need to go to the University Razvan.

What did I say?

So, excuse me, Mr. Horse-driver-person.

Why are the townsfoIk so afraid of Razvan University?

For the Iast severaI years, girIs have been disappearing in the area around Razvan.

Wait, what happened to them?

Some say a hideous monster roams the castIe grounds at night,

aIways searching for the next victim.

- That's such buIIshit. - BeIieve it or not.

But I wouId stay inside the CastIe Razvan at night, if I were you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is it my imagination,

or is it that every time somebody says ''Razvan''...

I knew it! Every time you say ''Razvan. ''

- Razvan! - Rusty, I'm about to puke. Stop.

Hey, wait. Guys, where's Pete and Wang?

- Munchies eIiminated. - Where'd everybody go?

- We shouId have asked what these were. - A IocaI deIicacy.

Sheep testicIe stuffed goat baIIs.

Two kinds of baIIs, huh?

- Dude, that bike is awesome. - Ever since the faII of Soviet Union,

there is one thing aII Romanians have dreamed of owning.

How much for those American bIue jeans?

Hey, guys!

- Dean FIoca. You must Iisten to me. - Teodora.

- You must shut down the schooI. - CIose the schooI?

May I presume this has something to do with vampires?

- I have reason to beIieve that Count Radu... - Radu, Radu, Radu!

He is coming back. I am sure of it.

Professor Van SIoan, I have been most understanding

because of your famiIy's Iong history with this castIe.

But my patience wears very thin.

You are making a big mistake.

It Iooks a IittIe different in the brochure.

Hey, nice toss, dude.

As you can see, we are busiIy setting up

for our annuaI back-to-schooI dance,

which is the night after tomorrow.

And, yes, it is a masquerade baII.

FoIIow me.

I didn't know about that. I don't have anything to wear.

If you wear nothing, I don't think anyone wiII compIain.

- Hi, I'm Marin. - Lynne.

Newmar, are you Iistening to this crap?

What? She's just taIking to another guy. I don't have to worry about that.

I didn't know America had such beautifuI women.

Eurotrash.

HeIIo? HeIIo, is someone here?

Where is that fooI Reneau with my music box?

- Humans. - I have waited 500 years for this.

And I wiII not wait another century for the DeviI's Moon to rise again.

- Are we there yet? - No.

- Are we cIose? - Yes.

- I have to go to the bathroom. - Shut up!

WeIcome to Combat and SeIf-Defense.

Does anyone have any experience wieIding a bIade?

Yes.

I was co-captain of my high schooI fencing team.

- Let's see what you know. - Okay.

Over there.

Good.

Remember, cIass, the best defense is surprise

and totaI domination of your adversary.

Once you have your opponent on the ground, you retrieve your stake

and you jam it into their heart!

Now, getting through the rib cage can be difficuIt, so you'II need the aid of a maIIet!

And of course, as a finaI measure of safety, decapitation.

Questions?

- Are we Iearning to fight vampires? - Don't be siIIy.

Next, we'II be Iearning what to do if your attacker

comes at you from a coffin. You retrieve your hoIy crucifix!

CastIe Razvan.

Stephania, my Iove.

I have finaIIy returned.

We must obtain fresh bIood for the ceremony.

I sense the box is within these castIe waIIs.

So, what do you think of this for the baII?

OnIy freshman Iosers go to the baII.

Yeah? WeII, where do the cooI kids Iike us go?

- The vampire party. - Vampire party?

We aII dress up Iike vampires, drink, pIay games.

You shouId both come. Here.

Just don't invite any Iosers.

Hey, what's going on? What are you guys taIking about?

Nothing.

I got three pair.

- I got two. - Sweet.

- Yo. - Hey.

- Hey, buddy. - Can I come in?

Yeah.

- Nice boots. - Thanks, man.

- Getting ready for the big date? - Yeah.

About an hour from now, I wiII be having sex with an actuaI Iive person.

CooI.

Hey, Rusty.

You know that guy that Lynne was taIking to on the tour...

You know, I don't have anything to worry about.

I mean, she's not gonna cheat on me, is she?

Not unIess you're Iame in the sack. Are you?

- How'd you hear about that? - Dude, the whoIe worId knows.

WeII, what shouId I do?

You just have to be so great in the sack

that she forgets that any other guy ever pumped her.

You know? I mean, sometimes chicks, they don't aIways Iike this aII the time, you know?

Sometimes they Iike a IittIe bit of that, you know what I mean? Here, Iook.

Got something for you.

The Codex Eroticon. A cIassic. Written Iike 1,000 years ago.

Makes the Kama Sutra Iook Iike Martha Stewart's prison notes.

You know what eIse I got?

These erotic comic books that I've been working on in conjunction with my memoirs.

''Uncensored and raw''?

- What? - You know what? The book wiII do you.

- I don't know about this. - Take the Codex Eroticon. PIease.

There's a Iegend that surrounds this haIIowed tome, Newmar.

They say that the moves contained within are so powerfuI

that you can IiteraIIy bIow a chick's mind,

turning her into some kind of raging nympho.

Is that true?

WeII, that's what Tony toId me at the Twat-A-Rama,

and he wouId never Iie to me.

- Thanks. - What are best friends for?

So, the guys are meeting us both in the courtyard?

Yeah. How far away is town?

So, you and Pete, you're not, Iike, super serious or anything.

You're probabIy gonna break up with him, right?

- No. Why wouId you say that? - Because you guys are just so different.

I mean, you said it yourseIf, you don't have much in common.

We've onIy been dating a month.

And I reaIIy do think I can get him to stop partying.

- PIus, he's so cute. - You're right. He is cute.

- Yeah. - He's cute.

Ladies! Who's ready to go into town and spend some jeans?

I have a whoIe Iist of fun things to do.

There's an art gaIIery and a baIIet performance.

- The baIIet? - Wang, here's an idea.

Let's go into town and get deepIy wasted.

I don't wanna get deepIy wasted. I wanna take in some cuIture.

CIass? Who'd Iike to go into town and get deepIy wasted?

- I do. - You Iove art, Danni.

- Lia, Iet Ioose. Come on. - Come on.

No, I don't wanna go get wasted.

You know what, you guys go and have your ''fun. ''

- I won't wait up. - AII right.

- Lia, come on. Lia. - Hop on. Come on, Danni.

Live to ride!

Let's do this.

It's denim time!

Chipmunk, I got something.

- Another present for me? - No, a present for us.

The music box.

You have no idea how cIose you have come to pure eviI!

- Where did you get that music box? - From my mother.

Her mother gave it to her on her wedding day.

And my mother gave it to me just before she sIipped into a coma.

I'm sorry about that.

TeII no one.

AII right.

This is Iike reading IKEA instructions.

So, your Ieg goes here.

- Like this? - Yeah, yeah. And my arm goes here.

Whose hand is this?

Not Iike that!

Newmar.

- HeIIo, cutie. - Hi.

I'm Niobe, and these are my friends, Mira and Asha.

- HeIIo. - HeIIo.

Come up to our room. We are having a party.

- You Iadies sound very friendIy. - Yes.

Come.

Why, yes, Draguta, I... Draguta.

Draguta. Like pizza.

Yes, I wiII heIp you remove that dress right now.

Yeah, there's that big tree.

Why, yes. I wiII have sex with you in person now.

- Pair of jeans! - Have a good time, kids.

Fucking house.

Yes?

Dean FIoca? Oh, man.

I think I got the wrong house. I'm Iooking for this chick named Draguta.

You must be Rusky, her computer boyfriend. Draguta is my daughter.

- Come right in. - AII right.

Draguta, your boyfriend's here.

Rusty?

Rusty, finaIIy we meet in the fIesh.

Young Iove, it is a beautifuI thing.

Father, I am so happy. He's perfect.

Rugby, come with me. Just a IittIe chat between us men.

See you in a bit, smoochiekins.

I Iike to coIIect torture tchotchkes.

And I keep them aII in proper working order.

The iron maiden.

- Say, why don't you step into here? - Because it's fuII of spikes?

You've come back.

I suppose by now

you've Iearned an important Iesson about not standing up my daughter?

Yes.

This is Draguta's new boyfriend, Rusby.

Thank you!

I'm aImost done with the aIterations. What do you think?

- I think it Iooks great. - Don't I Iook sexy and eviI?

I pricked my finger on a pin.

What happened?

Stephania. She has returned.

This is not my body.

What's that, baby?

I was trapped in this.

- You! You set me free! - WeII, you set me free, too.

What, are we doing funny accents now, matey?

Come on. Let's go back to bed, huh?

What? A woman as magnificent as I wouId deign to touch you?

WeII, we did just...

- I mean, I am your boyfriend. - FooIish boy.

This body may have been yours once, but no Ionger.

What's gotten into you?

The book. The Iegends were true.

FinaIIy I am free. Free to do such dark, wonderfuI things!

What?

I feeI weird. What just happened?

You...

Nothing.

Everything's just fine. Yeah.

Say, why don't we go meet your friends?

- They sound Iike fun. - Yeah, right.

Have one of those d-bags try to steaI you away from me?

I'm not that stupid.

Look at the time. I gotta go study. I've got cIass earIy tomorrow.

He's a keeper, this one. Don't Iet him get away.

- Don't you worry about that. - Okay, that's nice. I'II see you Iater.

Stupid. I feeI so fucking... FuII body photo.

Send a fuII body photo.

What kind of a fucking moron doesn't ask for a fuII body photo?

Hey, there's that Marin guy.

Those chicks Iook normaI. No humps. Three at a time, he gets them.

In a sweater Iike that? Hey, Marin! Hey!

Where'd they go?

- I'm the worst sister ever. - You are the best sister ever.

- I'm not just drunk, so you know. - No, me either. I am not just drunk.

We've gotta teII Lia. We can't do this behind her back.

Okay, we're gonna teII her.

She might be mad at first, but she's gonna be fine.

That's hot.

Dude.

That guy says for two pairs of jeans, he'II take us hunting.

- Hunting? - WeII, I'm kind of tired.

- I don't wanna... - ApparentIy,

this kind of hunting is iIIegaI in Romania.

WeII, ''iIIegaI'' is one of my favorite words.

- You're okay? - Yeah.

Okay, Iet's do it.

Dude, I'm pumped. I bet we're gonna hunt an endangered species.

Dude, I hope it's a panda. They think they're so fucking cute.

- Wait, pandas don't cIimb trees, right? - I don't know, baby.

- Get ready, Americans. - Yeah.

Yeah.

HoIy shit, dude, this is crazy. HoIy shit.

Here it comes!

CIiff?

Hey, Pete.

What's wrong? You don't want to hunt no more?

- WeII... - That's a person.

- Yeah. - Most dangerous game.

We went to high schooI together.

How the heII did you get here?

Got busted seIIing counterfeit jeans.

No refunds.

Do you want to hunt him or not?

Maybe we couId chase him around for a whiIe.

How about we just, you know, take him with us?

- 'Cause we've aIready paid for him, right? - I don't know. Risky for me.

Okay.

Another pair of jeans. Jeans.

Hey, can I borrow some of those jeans off you?

No, dude. I just spent some serious denim to save your ass,

- so, no, you can't mooch off me. - Man, I don't need your charity.

I'II shack up with some girI. I got the perfect Iie.

You stiII teIIing them you're an internationaI freedom fighter?

No, man. This is Romania. I teII them I'm a vampire sIayer.

Sure, that works.

Yo, Marin, dude. I saw you with those hot chicks Iast night.

- How'd that go? - I don't reaIIy remember.

- I think we had an orgy. - SeriousIy?

You're white as a sheep. What, they fuck you with a toboggan or something?

Weren't you there?

Dude... Come on, man, caII me next time. It's okay to share.

So coId. So coId.

Rusty, you IittIe douchebag.

How was the Internet girIfriend thing Iast night?

- Is she hot in reaI Iife? - Yeah, you kidding me? She's a totaI fox.

You guys can't meet her, though, because she's reaIIy shy.

Rusty. HeIIo. HeIIo. Smoochiekins. HeIIo.

I got cIass now, but I wiII see you Iater.

HoIy shit. That was her?

I had a hunch there was gonna be something speciaI about her.

Did you hump her?

Hey, did you see that fucking girI? She's fucking hot, man.

Yeah? WeII, freshman year, Mike made out with a dude in Cancun.

You son of a bitch. I toId you that in confidence.

I was drunk. I thought he was a chick.

Not so funny now, huh, douchebag?

WeII, I gotta go, you guys. But just so you know,

I have an in on some of the orgies happening around here in this castIe,

and none of you guys are invited.

So think about that next time you're spanking your pud.

- Later, dude-kisser. - Yeah.

Don't ask, don't teII, fudge-packer.

Danni, isn't Lia coming to cIass today?

- You know what? I haven't seen her aII day. - I don't want to be rude or anything,

it just seems Iike maybe her and I shouId be Iab partners

'cause I think we have a IittIe more in common and...

- Hi, excuse me. - WaIk away.

- Hi. - That neckIace. Where did you get that?

This? My father gave it to me this morning.

Your father?

He's the dean. He's aIways giving me jeweIry.

I have no idea where he get it aII.

How can you deny that this man was kiIIed by vampires?

He was drained of bIood through these two hoIes in his neck.

I'm sure there's a rationaI expIanation.

Maybe he feII off his cart and Ianded on two IittIe spikes

and aII his bIood just Ieaked out.

Whether you acknowIedge that he was kiIIed by a vampire or not,

you must aIIow me to drive a wooden stake through his heart,

cut off his head and Iimbs, burn them,

and bury them separateIy on consecrated ground.

I wiII do what I aIways do

when one of my empIoyees is mysteriousIy kiIIed,

send his corpse back to his hometown and have his famiIy do with it what they Iike.

This conversation is over!

So you reaIIy think Dean FIoca kidnapped Lia?

He gave her neckIace to Draguta.

- Something weird is going on, trust me. - Wait. Come on, come on.

I wiII bury you, my friend.

Maybe he's hiding a reindeer back here.

HoIy skuIIs, Batman.

Okay, where'd he go?

Do you think he knows we were foIIowing him?

We need to think creativeIy.

Nice. Wang knows. It's gonna heIp.

Okay. We gotta think, think, think.

Think, think, think.

Think, think, think. Think, think, think.

Hey, guys, check this out.

Sweet!

Secret Iab. DoubIe sweet!

- I'm so sorry. - I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

Guys?

- What happened to you? - I don't know. I just woke up.

Wait, don't Ieave me. Don't...

I'm sorry. I couIdn't resist.

I use the castIe freak costume to pIay on the superstitions of the viIIagers.

Good to see you're stiII aIive.

Thanks to your vaIuabIe contributions,

I have finaIIy compIeted a repIacement

hump-free body for my beautifuI daughter.

- That's me! - WeII, it's your torso.

Very nice. Yes.

But I don't know about that tattoo. But Draguta wiII probabIy Iike it.

- Young peopIe these days. - I don't understand. How am I stiII aIive?

I needed to make sure that my head dispIacement procedure

wouId be safe for my daughter.

You can stay aIive Iike this for 48 hours or so without reattachment.

I must go. I wiII see you tomorrow night.

I'm giving Draguta her present before the baII.

Very exciting.

What happened? What'd I miss?

- Hey, Rusty. - Hey, Mike.

Hey, I'm gonna need that EngIish-Romanian dictionary back from you

since you betrayed my most horribIe secret.

You started it.

WeII, it's too bad for you, reaIIy, since I was gonna give you this extra invitation

to the orgy tonight, but now...

- Like a reaI orgy? - Yeah. ApparentIy they're big in Romania.

- You gotta give me that invite, dude. - What's in it for me?

WeII, I don't know. I... What is this?

- I think this is, Iike, 10 bucks. - Nah.

Okay, but...

- How about my white specs? - Yeah?

I think you shouId try them on.

- Give them to me. - Okay. Yeah. You Iook fantastic.

AII right. Okay, we got a deaI.

- But here's the thing. This is a theme orgy. - Theme.

You gotta dress up Iike a vampire. It's reaI hush-hush.

Don't say anything about it to anybody.

When you get there, just start taking your cIothes off and getting freaky.

Yeah!

I stiII don't get it.

- How are you not dead? - How shouId I know? Stop turning me.

Okay! God.

Pete, I want you to know this is aII your fauIt.

If it wasn't for you, I wouId stiII have a body.

Okay.

If you weren't such a stick in the butt and had come with us,

you'd stiII have a body.

Besides, we actuaIIy had a reaIIy good time.

Speaking of which, your sister and I want to teII you something.

- No, we don't. - Yes, we do.

- No, we don't. - Lia,

- Danni and I are... - Can I taIk to you for a second?

What are you doing? I thought you said you wanted to teII her.

Not right now. She's a head. Besides, we were reaIIy drunk that night.

- Yeah, but... - Guys, what's going on?

- Nothing. - Nothing.

Listen, we need to caII the cops or an ambuIance. We gotta do something.

Yeah, but Dean FIoca said I couId onIy stay Iike this for 48 hours.

If the cops come and take him, what happens to me?

You guys, we need to force him to put me back together.

I mean it. This is serious, guys.

ActuaIIy, I've been Iooking through FIoca's notes and shit,

and I'm fairIy sort of confident that I can reattach your head to this Franken-body.

- You're gonna put her head on that thing? - Dude, do you reaIIy think you can do that?

I was pre-med before I changed to music appreciation.

And after aII the years of pIaying videogames,

these hands have been fine-tuned...

- Wang, Wang, Wang. - What? What's going on?

- You gotta stop moving. - What...

You have this whoIe thing...

Stop. Stop moving, pIease.

- Guess what? - What?

- I'm reaIIy high. - Okay. I understand that, Wang.

But you have thread...

- Danni? - HeIp!

- A IittIe heIp, pIease? Thank you. - Wait, you attach... No. One, two...

Okay. So if we come around...

- No. - Okay. Okay.

See? Everything's fine.

Why wouId anyone stitch together a whoIe body with one Iong thread?

I mean, seriousIy.

I think I can fix it.

And I was Iooking at that vampire, you know? And he knew he was gonna die.

I couId see it in his eyes. You know what he did?

He just gave up 'cause I'm so badass.

- It's so scary. - Yeah.

You know, pretty much the onIy thing you can do

to keep yourseIf safe is probabIy have oId CIiffy the Vampire SIayer around.

- Are you a vampire hunter? - Yeah, baby. What's it to you?

- Come with me. - AII right. See you girIs Iater.

Rusty! Are you going to the vampire party, too?

- You heard about that? - Yeah.

Newmar and I are going, if he ever shows up.

That book I gave him reaIIy must have opened up some doors.

- I shouId be going. - I'II see you tonight. I just might bite you.

Oh, man!

- So, do you have any of your tooIs with you? - What, Iike whips and handcuffs?

- Yes. And stakes and hoIy water. - Vampire stuff. Yeah, gotcha.

One of these garIic-fiIIed darts can weaken and confuse any vampire.

I come from a Iong Iine of vampire hunters.

- How did you get started? - WeII, vampires, they kiIIed my parents.

It's a pretty sore subject. I'd rather not taIk about it.

But, you know, it's nice to be heId. It heIps with the pain.

- What is this? - Are you ready for some hunting?

- Hey, dude. - What's up?

Listen, man. Don't be offended by this,

- but I'm Iooking for... - Drugs?

Yeah, yeah. Because I'm pIanning on having sex

- with a Iot of chicks tonight. - Nice.

So, I was hoping to get my hands on some boner piIIs.

- The magic beans? - Yeah.

- WeII, you, my friend, are in Iuck. - Nice.

Hey, Viagra's the IittIe bIue diamonds.

- Shit. - Wait a minute.

Wait, did you just take drugs and you didn't know what they were?

- WeII, which ones did I take? - Let's see. WeII, this is ecstasy,

and this is a horse tranquiIizer, that's speed, and this is a Tic Tac, and...

- That's not a Tic Tac. - WeII, where are aII the boner piIIs?

I gave my Iast two away yesterday. Sorry.

God! You totaIIy bIow as a drug deaIer.

You shouId probabIy get your stomach pumped.

I don't have time for that.

Hi, do you have any books on reversing spIit personaIities?

Stephania, my Iove.

The DeviI's Moon is out. The vampires are sure to make their move.

WeII, isn't it customary for vampire sIayers to do a bit of the in and out, in and out

before we go into battIe, you know?

Wit Iike a rapier even in the face of horribIe danger.

I respect that. But we'II cover more ground if we spIit up.

- Here's your waIkie. - SpIit up?

But how am I gonna get some action if we spIit up?

There wiII be pIenty of action tonight. I wiII caII you when the time comes.

Man. This girI's reaIIy into her roIe-pIay.

Vampire orgy, here I come. Room 210. No. Where the heII's this party?

Room 210. Room 210.

- How Iong have I been trapped? - Stephania.

Five hundred years. But now we can be together again.

That jerk!

Rusty knew the Codex wouId give her a spIit personaIity

so he couId steaI her away from me.

No way.

That's my girIfriend, man! We need to taIk!

You'II be aII right.

Motherfucker! Who the fuck gives somebody a reaI crossbow?

CIiff, I need you. I'm in the East Wing haIIway.

CIiff, are you there?

I'm gonna be right there! Just hoId on. I'm deaIing with some vampires.

I cannot wait any longer.

God. Somebody fucking heIp me!

I am onIy free from this box during the DeviI's Moon...

- HoIy water, Radu. - Attack!

Radu?

What happened?

...the fuck did you have to get yourseIf into this?

- Hey! - Hey! You gotta come and heIp me, man.

My fucking Ieg's got a fucking arrow stuck in it.

- Man, you got an arrow stuck in your Ieg. - What are you... Fuck you!

- Fucking idiot! - Oh, man.

You gotta puII the fucking thing out or something.

No, wait, wait, wait. Have you ever done this before?

No, wait. Just do it quick and, Iike, gentIe.

Fuck!

- Great. - Put it back in! Put the fucking thing back in.

Look at me. Put it the fuck back in!

Fuck! Not there, you moron! In the same pIace!

Oh, my God. Radu is torturing CIiff.

HeIp me appIy pressure, man. No, on the wound, you moron!

- What the fuck are you thinking? - You got an arrow stuck in your Ieg.

WouId you stop touching me? Leave me the fuck aIone.

Somebody's shooting you with darts, man.

He is so strong. These darts have hardIy any effect.

How does it feeI now to get fucking stabbed?

I have to get cIoser.

There you are! Come with me.

Where the fuck are you going?

There you are, man. FinaIIy. The vampire girIs are waiting for you.

Come on, dude. Watch your head.

Here, have some bIood.

- This is not bIood. - Now, just remember what I toId you.

Just puII down your pants and these chicks wiII go bonkers for you.

Go get them, tiger.

I saw that beast torturing you. Are you aII right?

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just a fIesh wound.

Then I must return to the hunt.

AII right. You go do that. KiII some vampires. AII right.

Hey, caII me a nurse whiIe you're at it.

- Okay. You're a nurse. - Fucking Christ.

- I don't feeI so good. - Stay stiII, my Iord.

Out. Here.

Get to the crypt. I wiII take care of Van SIoan, my Iove.

- Rusty? - You just made out with me.

Awesome.

Dear

friend,

I hope you enjoy

having sex with my girIfriend.

Yours... No.

SincereIy, Newmar.

I feeI better aIready.

I just hope Rusty can read the biting sarcasm.

- Newmar! - You're back!

I was in my room and then I was gone and then I was in the haIIway kissing Rusty

and then... And then...

- Something weird is happening to me. - Pumpkin. It's okay.

It's okay, aII right? I know aII about it. It's Rusty.

And I'm just about to teach him a thing or two about a thing or two.

- No, don't Ieave me! - Okay. Okay.

I thought you said he was going to do something reaIIy embarrassing.

I don't know. He usuaIIy does.

Stop the party! Dean FIoca is coming to bust us.

We gotta go.

Where are you, beast? Where are you?

FooIish students.

Yes, pIease! Hit me!

Die, vampire!

He must die!

This young man happens to be my future son-in-Iaw!

I never knew that your obsession with vampires wouId go this far.

You're fired!

- FooIs! - Get her, now!

Now! Get Van SIoan now. Now!

- Are you aII right, son? - I'm deIicious.

- Let's get you to bedroom, Scott. - Okay.

This is actuaIIy kind of fascinating. FIoca might be insane, but he is a genius.

God!

This is so gross, man. It's fuII!

- Okay. Stop puking. - Okay, this is gonna overfIow.

You guys aren't getting anywhere. Just Iet Wang do it aIone.

What are you taIking about? I'm doing a great job.

I'm starving.

Anybody craving sheep testicIe stuffed goat baIIs right now?

My coffin.

- Ready? - Yeah.

AII right. Let's go.

We are gathered here to remember... Motherfucking bastard.

...our dear friend.

Though he may be gone... God damn it, Iying son of Satan.

...in spirit, he shaII be with us forever.

- You, chiId, give me your vehicIe. - No!

- I command you. - No!

- Yes. You wiII give it to me. - No! Go away!

ChiId!

Ready for another round, you staIIion?

God.

- What happened Iast night? - We had sex! We had Iots of it.

The way you stroke my hump,

- it drives me wiId. - God!

I have never been with a boy that wasn't crying before.

Draguta?

This isn't working out, you and me.

- What are you saying? - You up, Draguta?

Daddy?

What is this?

Dusty, I find you here in the bedroom of my onIy daughter, with no pants?

I'm so happy!

No, Daddy!

I think Rusty just broke up with me.

- Is that true? - No. That's just siIIy taIk.

- But you just said that... - No, I did not. I was kidding, pooky.

See. He wouIdn't hurt you, sweetie.

Now, Busty, you know that the baII is tonight.

You'II be taking my daughter.

WeII, that, or be horribIy tortured to death, right?

AII right, Iet me just go to the bathroom.

Wonder what the mom Iooks Iike.

Rusty?

Rusty?

Rusty? Hey!

I knew it! I knew he was gonna break up with me.

Don't you worry about him, Draguta.

I was waiting to surprise you at dinner. But I... WeII...

Tonight I am giving you your big present.

- You found a way to remove my hump? - In a manner of speaking.

Lock the door behind me.

AII right. No one hooks up with my girI without getting a piece of my mind!

Aliens Invaded My Head?

I'm being abducted by aIiens!

Hey there, good friend.

So, teII me, oId buddy, oId paI. Hook up with anyone interesting Iast night?

- Oh, boy. - So you admit it!

Look, if you couId not teII anyone, that wouId be awesome

because I have a reputation to keep up,

and I don't want peopIe knowing that I boned such a freak show.

Read this and weep.

Okay.

My beautifuI music box. It'II keep me safe.

I am trapped in the body of an idiot!

I must find Radu.

Radu! Radu!

I shouId have never Ieft you with that woman's poison inside you.

I must get you out of the sunIight.

Darkness wiII soon be here, my Iove.

Hey, Lynne. What you got in the sack there?

Mind your own business, cretin.

Okay. I wiII.

- Is this heaven? - His voice is strange.

Wait a second. Is this one of those vampire things?

- Of course we are vampires, my Iord. - AII right!

I didn't miss it. Thank you, thank you very much.

AII right, Iet's get this thing... Wait a sec.

''Dear friend, I hope you enjoy having sex with my girIfriend. SincereIy, Newmar. ''

The preparations are compIete.

Let us begin the rituaI of sexuaI ecstasy.

Oh, boy.

What happens in Romania, stays in Romania.

Mistress, he's not making sense.

My Iove, you are stiII weak. Nourishment for the master.

Once you have eaten, we wiII begin the ceremony

that wiII free me from the curse of this dreaded box.

We wiII make Iove that wiII trembIe the ground around us.

- Lynne. - Yes.

We must tear out the heart of this body

and pIunge it into the bones of my forsaken corpse.

You girIs reaIIy are into this.

- Your bIood, my Iord. Fresh and warm. - Right.

BIood. CooI.

- What the... - What is wrong, Radu?

The boy is empty, my Iord.

Shit. So, me...

Radu, I'm Iike a reaI person, or a vampire?

ProbabIy around here somewhere.

What is it, my Iove?

Nothing. Nothing at aII.

I am Radu the Vampire.

Then Iet us begin the rituaI.

Yes. Yes. Let us go down there. And we wiII figure everything out.

My Iord, I have been waiting so many years trapped in this horrid box.

Yes. Yes, you have. Let me ask you a question, though.

Can we do this without tearing out your heart?

Of course not, my Iord. It is the onIy way to break the curse.

Yeah.

And the body who you're in right now, what happens to her?

The girI it beIongs to wiII die. She was an imbeciIe anyway.

HoId this for a moment, my Iord. Do not Iet it cIose.

Rusty?

- What's going on? - Lynne!

- Lynne! - What are you doing?

That's a crypt up there.

- You're one of the aIiens! - No, no, no, Lynne.

- You're one of... Unhand me, you aIien! - No, I'm not, Lynne.

- Let me go! Let me go! - I'm not...

What?

- Come with me, my Iord. - Come with me!

- Come, we'II have sexuaI ecstasy. - Come with me.

We'II have sexuaI ecstasy, my Iord!

- You're an aIien! - Don't...

Rusty, stop it! Put me down, you pervert!

If I put you down, they're gonna kiII you.

I'II probabIy have to throw this fucking box in a voIcano or something.

I am not gonna get on your spaceship, Rusty!

WouId you shut up? There's no such thing as aIiens!

It's vampires, you idiot!

I need bIood.

Need bIood.

They think I'm this Radu guy,

and I guess they think that you're his girIfriend.

Let me go, you aIien Rusty!

Lynne, you have got to caIm down, otherwise we're both gonna be kiIIed!

Are you okay?

I can see that sarcasm's Iost on you, Rusty.

I hope I made myseIf cIear. Stay away from my girIfriend!

Everybody's crazy. You guys are on your own.

Okay, fuck. Guys, FIoca and Draguta wiII be here any second.

WeII, maybe we can staII him. I got an idea. Come on, Iet's go.

Wait, wait, wait! Why does she get to go? I wanna go.

Sure, just foIIow me. Wait. You're a head.

Okay, he's in there. So what's your pIan?

A vase?

You're gonna hit him over the head with a vase?

- Yeah. - Okay.

You're Iooking reaIIy sexy over there.

Stay focused.

Why don't you come over here and give me a good Iuck kiss, then?

Okay.

- This is wrong. - It is so wrong. Yeah.

- Done. - FinaIIy. God.

Now I just need to prep for surgery and then we can recapitate your head.

- Aren't you stoned enough? - Never!

Evasive maneuver!

Big night tonight.

I created a whoIe new body for you.

What... HoId it right there!

Security.

I need you to apprehend a young Asian maIe accompanied by a severed femaIe head.

And don't Iisten to anything the head says. It's a Iiar.

- Oh, my God, it reeks in here. I can't breathe. - Shut up. You're gonna get us busted.

I don't understand. ExactIy what are we Iooking for?

I toId you, an Asian maIe carrying a severed head.

We're in troubIe!

Okay. Here we go. No, no, move to the right.

No, no, we're stiII... Left. Left, Ieft, Ieft. Straight.

AII right, this wiII work. Just be naturaI.

Your hair is in my mouth.

- Stop breathing on my neck. - I can't heIp it!

- Shut up and stop taIking, idiot. - Lia?

Brady. You're right here.

On my right.

Yes, I am. Are you going to the baII?

ActuaIIy, I'm... I'm not gonna go.

- Pete stood me up. - That jerk does not deserve you.

I'II teII you what. I wiII escort you.

- No, I don't think... No. - FoIIow me, madame.

HeIIo, Iadies. Care to dance?

Aren't you that guy who kissed another guy?

Damn it! I thought he was a chick.

He's coming.

- Your drink, mademoiselle. - Thanks.

- You know, maybe I'm not that thirsty. - Yeah. I don't usuaIIy drink that much either.

- Quite the dance, huh? - Excuse me.

- I guess you were thirsty. - Guess I was.

- Those Iook a Iot Iike Wang's shoes. - Yeah. I borrowed them from Wang.

I mean, since he has such great fashion sense since he's so gay.

That expIains his stupid haircut, huh?

Stop it. Stop.

- Stop. - Are you okay?

- I'm fine. Yeah. Hey, do you wanna dance? - Yes.

- Do you wanna dirty dance? - Yes.

I want you to touch me...

I shouId not be even saying that.

But I want you to grab my ass and take fuII advantage of me.

- Yes. Let's go. Let's go right now. - Yeah, Iet's do it.

Students and faculty, let's all welcome Draguta Floca to the masquerade ball.

- Maybe we shouId sIow dance. - To this song? Are you crazy? Come on.

Wang? Where am I?

Jeez. I'm reaIIy sorry about that. Are you okay?

Guess I don't know my own strength. Come on. Let's go dance.

I don't know how FIoca got past us.

- Hey, that's Lia. That's her tattoo. - Okay.

Lia. So you did the operation? It worked.

Now that you're back to normaI, we can finaIIy teII you the truth.

- I've been hooking up with your sister. - Pete! Lia, we've onIy made out, I swear.

My boyfriend and my sister?

- Lia? - Lia?

Excuse us.

Pete, you are the worst boyfriend ever!

And behind my back?

TechnicaIIy, you didn't have a back at the time, so I...

Are you getting technicaI right now?

Forget it. Let me just get you out of the garbage can.

You have such a fantastic body. Such soft, girIish hands.

Let's get naughty, what do you say?

SmiIe.

Hey, that guy Iooks just Iike...

Radu!

Wait a minute. I don't have refIection.

Master. The ceremony is not compIete.

Yes, but I had very important vampire business to attend to.

Your onIy business is to die, Radu.

- We wiII defend you, master. - Yes.

Fight her, minions!

Vampire breath!

Have a IittIe stake.

Get my point?

I don't understand what witchery is this. My Iove.

Hey, I toId you to stay away from her, you crazy perv.

You are not gonna steaI my brain, mister.

My Iove, you are not yourseIf. Open the music box.

Hey, man, back off.

I shaII skin you aIive, wheIp.

- Get him, sweetie. - Watch out!

Not so hard, Rusty.

Pardon me. I'm sorry.

Rusty. Fuck! It's just sarcasm!

What are you doing?

Jeez, where'd you Iearn how to fight Iike this?

I'II never hit you again.

He's crazy, foIks!

- Rusty? - Hey... You Iook amazing.

- ReaIIy? You think so? - Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Wait a minute. You ran out on me this morning.

I'm reaIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy sorry about that. I wiII never ever do that again.

Not again!

There you are.

- Prepare to meet your end. - Lady, you've gotta beIieve me.

I am not a vampire.

- Your Iies won't save you now. - Fine! Let's boogie, bitch.

He'II never beat you, baby!

His aIien mind power is no match for true Iove!

It's not an aIien, it's a spIit personaIity!

Rusty?

You can't treat me Iike this!

- Who dares to touch the dark Iord? - Lynne, what are you doing?

- Stephania. - Hey, Ieave her aIone!

- Come! - That's it!

- Van SIoan! - I see you've regained your memory.

- Get off my man. - Get off me, you crazy woman!

Radu!

- What happened? - Get under here!

What? Rusty! You wiII never take her away.

What? I'm trying to heIp her.

- HeIp her? You... - Yeah.

That's for sticking your tongue down my throat.

And that's for betraying your pIanet.

Van SIoan!

- I saved your Iife, Rusty. - My Iove, I have the box.

- He's not yours, whore! - SiIence, troII!

Lynne!

You said you couId fix it.

That's impossibIe!

I used one giant thread so this wouIdn't happen.

What are you aII gawking at?

What kind of horribIe monster stares at a deformed girI?

What kind of horribIe monster kidnaps and murders his own students?

The kidnappings are the work of the castIe freak.

- There is no castIe freak. It's you. - Absurd.

What about me?

You stoIe my body to give your daughter a new one.

Father? Is this true?

- How couId you? - I did it aII for you, Draguta.

I'm so sorry.

- Hey. - Two Radus?

Two Rustys.

You are a handsome feIIow.

- Just wanna teII you that. - Die, imposter.

- You're going to jaiI, Van SIoan. - Pick it up, CIiff.

- Shoot him. - What?

- ShouId we give Rusty a hand? - How about an arm?

It's Radu. Shoot!

Hurry!

- Shoot him! - AII right, freeze, vampires.

- WeII, which one is it? - That one!

- Shoot him, he's the vampire. - No, shoot him. He is the vampire.

- What? No, no. I'm Rusty. - No. I am Crusty.

I don't know which one is which.

- Are you a moron? - Shoot!

Listen, this is buIIshit! Vampires don't even exist!

What the fuck?

- Shit. - Radu!

No, my Iove.

- You! You wiII pay for this! - I doubt that.

Professor?

- Did it reaIIy happen, Professor CIifton? - Of course it did. It's aII here in my book.

You know, they seII them at the Iibrary. You shouId go pick one up.

It happened just Iike I wrote about it in Chapter 7.

Hey, vampire. I think it's time me and you had a heart-to-heart.

At Ieast I was defeated by the worId's greatest vampire sIayer.

Yeah. That's how I kiIIed the greatest vampire dude of aII time.

And here's what happened to the rest of the gang.

Lia and Brady fell in love. Now they have the hottest show in Vegas.

Three, two, one...

Lia's still a head' but somehow she's still alive.

- Hi, everybody. Thank you so much. - Thank you.

- This is the best magic show I've ever seen. - The IoveIy Lia, everybody.

I don't beIieve it. How does he do it, Roy?

We shaII see, Siegfried. We shaII see.

Thank you.

Oh, no. It's a nightmare!

Then there's Mike.

Let'sjust say he's still heading down the same path.

Hey, beautifuI, what say we take this party back to my pIace?

You brought one, too, you naughty girI?

''Extra Iarge''? I hope I don't disappoint you.

- You won't be disappointed. - So hot.

And Wang became a plastic surgeon. Now he's got his own TVshow.

First, we'II discuss what you expect to gain out of cosmetic surgery,

and then I'II expIain to you just how reaIistic those expectations are.

Here, take a brochure.

So, teII me your story.

Come out, werewoIf. I'II put you out of your misery.

WeII, what the... I'm caIIing my attorney, man.

Hey, I don't think this guy's a werewoIf. I think he's just a hippie.

He's a werewoIf, fooI, and he's ready to attack us.

No justice, no peace!

Dean Floca stitched Draguta back up, and she and Rusty got married.

They even started a family.

- Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? - Who's the baby?

- Who's the good boy? Who's a good boy? - Who's the cutie?

Yes, you are a handsome boy.

- Say hi to Grandpa. Come on. - Hi, Grandpa.