Original subtitles

(Mindy) You have an idea of how your life is going to turn out.

When I was a kid, all I did was watch romantic comedies

in our living room while I did my homework.

[Along with tv] "I'll have what she's having."

Some coffee or, you know, drinks?

(Mindy) In High School,

Tom Hanks was my first boyfriend.

"For as long as we both shall live."

(Mindy) In college, everything changed.

No supervision, total freedom.

I could watch romantic comedies whenever I wanted to.

"I'm just a girl

"standing in front of a boy

asking him to love her."

(Mindy) And then two years ago,

when I finally became a doctor,

I had no time for any distractions.

You are 8 1/2 months pregnant.

Your husband's gotta keep his schvantz away from you.

Which I can imagine must be difficult

with a wife as beautiful as yours.

She's already pregnant, Dr. Reed.

Idiot.

I am going to put Dr. Castellano in charge.

He's my best resident.

Dr. Castellano.

Daniel Castellano.

I'm the man that's gonna take a person outta you.

I don't take that responsibility lightly, okay?

(Shulman) You're scaring them, Danny.

(Danny) Sorry. Sorry, ma'am.

Don't be frightened.

[Romantic music]

(Mindy) And that's when I saw him.

[Chuckles]

Oh, my God.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sorry.

Sorry.

No way. Thanks.

It's happening.

The doors are closing.

I just love when the elevators start to do their thing.

Oh.

Never thought about that.

I guess I do too.

Oh, my God.

Sorry.

Oh, here, let me help you with that stuff.

Sorry. Oh.

[Both chuckle]

Klutzes, party of two.

Seriously.

(Mindy) Met in an elevator.

My hair came undone.

Are you kidding me?

I'm basically Sandra bullock.

And then it happened.

Did the elevator just stop?

I'm mindy.

Obstetrics and gynecology.

Tom. Oral surgery.

Can I get you an orange?

(Mindy) We were stuck in the elevator for 20 minutes...

I have a sandwich here.

(Mindy) And I moved into his apartment two months later.

What does this have to do

with the circumstances of your arrest?

I am getting to that.

Tom got married last night to someone else.

(Mindy) Three months ago,

he met and fell in love with some serbian girl

who sells bagels in the lobby of the hospital.

He fixed her teeth, dumped me,

and last night, they got married.

I don't think they thought I would ever go,

so they invited me to be polite.

But, oh, I did go.

And after four vodka sodas,

I realized I had something to say.

Some of you might not know

that Tom and I used to date.

So I have some pretty good stories

about everyone's favorite glorified dentist.

[Laughter]

Like how Tom will always cover his ears and go, "ahh,"

if you start talking about an episode of TV

that he has not seen yet.

God forbid

you give away the ending to Downton abbey.

What the hell is this show,

and why does everybody keep talking about it?

Shh.

Why can't I talk?

Or the time that Tom told me,

um, when we were having sex

that he wanted to marry me

and make me pregnant with six babies.

Did you guys know about that?

Which I really wanted too.

Hey...

But that didn't end up happening

'cause I think I was too old.

No, I mean, I know that I was too old.

That's what you said to me.

Not what I said.

When you broke up with me.

Sorry, you said you wanted to build a future

with someone with more years to share.

That is what I said.

Doesn't matter,

because here you are, getting married

to the serbian bagel girl.

By the way, are we 100% sure

that she is not a war criminal?

Don't look at me like that.

Am I the only person here

who saw Angelina jolie's movie?

She's not a war criminal.

Whatever, you guys. I'm so happy for you.

I only want the best for the two of you.

One of you. Let's wrap it up.

L'chaim! [Glass breaks]

Everyone, great talking to you.

Huh!

Great, awesome. Thank you.

Brilliant.

I'm Sandra bullock!

[Upbeat techno music]

[Horn honks]

Racist!

Ooh, a shortcut.

Aah!

Mindy. Mindy, down here.

I've been waiting for you.

Can I tell you something, girl to girl?

You are acting like a [Bleep] idiot.

If you don't pull it together,

no one will ever love you.

At least I have a boyfriend.

(Mindy) And when that hot, mean doll

pointed out that even she had a boyfriend,

I just started to cry.

This is not where I should be.

It's important for you to know

that this is not really who I am.

Or who I have been is not who I'm going to be.

We have you down for three counts of public intoxication,

theft, and disorderly conduct.

I'm sorry, disorderly conduct?

Aren't there rapists and murderers out there?

When you are disorderly,

you are a rapist of peace and quiet.

That's a little... okay.

She's been bailed out.

Gwen, my hero.

It has been great

working with you

and seeing this process from the inside.

Before I leave,

would it be possible to get a tour

of the special victims unit?

[Clears throat] No? Okay, bye.

(Gwen) Did you think that Tom

was just gonna ditch the wedding

and run off with you like you're Katherine Heigl?

Kind of, yes.

Well, your life is not a romantic comedy.

Right now it seems more like a sad documentary

about a criminally insane spinster.

It kinda sounds like I could win an Oscar though.

I think I should cancel that date tonight with Dennis.

Gwen, no.

Listen, I'm just being real with you.

Carl and I know, like, three datable guys

that we can set friends up with,

and I can't squander them

on a high-risk situation like this.

Okay, I promise you, Gwen,

this drunk, crime-committing person,

she's history.

There's no reason for me to live my life like this.

I went to a good college, I am a doctor.

This is boring.

My body mass index is not great,

but I'm not, like, precious or anything, you know?

This is boring.

You know what, you are boring. Contribute something.

Don't call my daughter boring.

Honey, you're fascinating.

Hmm.

Listen, Gwen,

I cannot keep hooking up with Jeremy

and then later asking him,

"hey, what's our deal anyway?"

That British guy, he is bad news.

We do not know that he is bad news.

I think he has a good heart.

I think he's Hugh grant in about a boy.

I think that he is Hugh grant in real life.

Mindy?

I hate to interrupt

because I see you're enjoying

some well-deserved BFF time.

Hello, Gwendolyn.

Hi.

Your patient, Allison silverman,

is going into labor.

The one with insurance?

Oh, hell yes, okay.

Bye, guys. Gotta go.

Love you. Bye, love you.

[Rock music]

(Man) Hey!

It's fine. I'm a doctor!

Medical emergency!

[Baby crying]

Congratulations.

There you go.

I'm on call.

So you delivered my patient?

You're welcome.

May I say you look great?

Sorry, Danny, I didn't have time to get dolled up for you

because I was kind of busy freeing myself

from wrongful imprisonment. Wrongful?

My God, you think they'll ever catch the real drunk girl

who fell into the pool? That's hilarious.

But I guess it's not hilarious

when you get arrested for assault

at a Bruce Springsteen concert.

First of all, it's a Springsteen show,

not a Bruce Springsteen concert.

You sound ignorant.

Second of all, you don't show up at a Springsteen show

wearing a John cougar mellencamp t-shirt

unless you want to get punched in the face.

How did I get

into this Springsteen-mellencamp conversation again?

Oh, and Mrs. silverman asked if I'd be her doctor from now on,

and I said yes.

Are you kidding me?

So now you're stealing my patient?

It's not stealing if she wanted to go.

Leave her alone, Danny. She's had a rough night.

And whose fault is that?

Everyone loses it at weddings.

They're designed to exploit our sentimental side.

Thank you. I agree with that.

I can't recall a wedding where I didn't end up

in the arms of some woman I met that night.

And not because she was vulnerable.

'Cause I was.

You know, I used to think that sex addiction

was made up by male celebrities,

but now I think it's real.

That's not cool.

Yes, yeah, I love sex. I do it a lot.

I do it well.

But I'm not addicted to it.

I'm addicted to attention.

That is so interesting.

Listen, I'm all for lonely people making connections,

but this is the doctors' lounge,

not the wooded area

behind the highway rest stop, all right?

I mean, really,

guys, I hate that I can't read

the newspaper in here anymore.

Yeah, we get it, Danny.

You read the newspaper.

You're so much smarter than us.

We get it, Danny.

You're so much smarter than us.

I am though.

I'm smarter than you.

You look so trashy right now.

I know.

I'm sorry. No, I love it.

Do you wanna hang out? We are hanging out.

Let's hang out deep.

Oh, God.

Sorry, thank you for the offer. What?

I want to. You should.

And I can't. Okay.

You're gorgeous. Okay, I gotta go.

I gotta go.

This sucks. I hate my life.

Take that trashiness with you. Okay, thanks.

Okay, good-bye.

[The Watson twins' how am I to be]

[Camera shutter clicks]

??? how am I to be

??? with all your silly ways

??? now

note to self,

try to change your life today.

I'm gonna take the stairs instead of taking the elevator,

or escalator maybe.

Baby steps.

There's a patient waiting in your office.

That's great news. Thank you, Betsy.

Nasreen, you are nine months pregnant,

and you don't have health insurance.

I'm sorry, I just...

I can't take you on as a patient.

But my aunt and uncle said you were the person to go to.

I was.

And I really, really want to help you.

It's just that I'm at this point in my life

where I can't just do what I want to do.

You know, I have to do things

that really move my life forward.

Like... like spinning.

Do you guys know what that is?

We won't tell anybody.

Still, people could find out.

How?

Um, let's see, I talk a lot.

You know, like in my sleep, on a date.

I drink a lot.

So I just, I can't control it.

[Speaking foreign language]

Okay, okay, okay, look, look.

I will take you on as a patient,

but you just need to look me in the eye

and promise me that you will have health insurance

by the time she delivers.

But I can't promise it. I don't know if it's true.

It doesn't have to be true. I just need to hear it.

I do this with guys all the time.

I promise we will have insurance.

Great, thank you. Welcome.

Hey, you two, quick question.

Do you care about my career and want me to succeed?

More than anything in the world.

Okay, well, if that is the case,

why are you sending me non-english-speaking

pregnant immigrants with no health insurance,

with literally, like, burkas and stuff?

I thought she might be rich with oil money.

Well, she wasn't. She was poor with nothing money.

Well, why wouldn't you just tell her no?

Because I am not good at saying no.

Okay, one time I left a flea market

with a samurai sword.

I just... I need a different kind of patient.

More white patients, done.

Well, don't write that.

[Whispers] But yes.

So do you guys want to see an amazing first-date outfit?

Yes. For sure.

Oh, my gosh!

I mean, I don't know. Wow.

Gotta give it up, you look hot.

Thank you for giving it up, shauna.

Okay. Boy.

I can hear you. What?

That's not a good date outfit.

What are you talking about?

It's glamorous, and it's awesome.

Girls may like that stuff, but guys don't.

Um, I think I know what guys like.

Maybe. Is your date with Elton John

on new year's Eve?

[Shauna and Betsy giggle]

That's not funny.

That is insensitive to gay men and to me.

Morning, everybody.

Good morning.

Dr. shulman, do you like my outfit?

It's glitzy.

Got razzle-dazzle,

like a fishing lure.

But do you like it?

Danny, you know, I like it because she likes it so much.

Mindy, what's the occasion?

First date. First date?

Exciting.

Remember, you're worth waiting for.

He hates it.

He didn't say that.

Anyway, that's just my two cents,

but what do I know?

I'm just a wealthy, single heterosexual male.

Well, what do you think she should wear, Dr. Castellano?

She didn't grow up in this country.

Actually, I did grow up in this country, Betsy.

Thank you. Oh.

But answer the question.

Easy, tight dress,

shoes that won't make you complain

about walking two blocks.

Not a lot of makeup.

Look hot. Keep it simple.

Okay, thank you. Sure.

I'm just gonna take fashion advice from...

[Deep-voiced] Danny Castellano.

You're welcome.

'Cause Danny Castellano, he really gets women, you know?

I do, don't I? Just ask his wife.

Oh, I'm sorry, his, um, ex-wife.

You know what would really look great?

Yeah? What?

If you lost 15 pounds.

What?

Do you wanna get smacked?

No, I don't wanna get smacked, Dr. Lahiri,

not in my place of work.

I want to peacefully go about my day.

(Jeremy) Do not listen to him.

You are beautiful.

Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

If you need me, I'll be in my office.

[Rock music]

???

okay, okay, okay.

That's enough, that's enough.

We're at work for God's sake.

Come on. This is really unprofessional.

Oh, great, we broke this model of the human pelvis.

What's wrong with us?

I'm 31 right now.

I can't do this kinda thing anymore.

I need to give myself a chance.

And if that doesn't work out,

we could maybe resume this in my 40s, 50s, and 60s.

Yeah, I'm not gonna want to have sex with you

in your 40s, 50s, or 60s.

That's really rude.

And just so you know, when I'm that age,

I'm gonna be super hot and have a bunch

of really cute kids running around. Right.

Meanwhile, you are gonna be some weirdo alcoholic

trying to write a novel in Cuba.

Poems, but...

Doesn't matter. Right.

You know what, I'm gonna take this,

because I don't think you deserve to have it.

I need some pens. Oh.

[Door slams]

Got more pens.

[Elevator dings]

You look nice. Go to hell.

Dear lord, please let this date be good.

May he have the wealth of mayor Bloomberg,

the personality of jon Stewart,

the face of Michael Fassbender.

The penis of Michael Fassbender.

And may... [Taxi meter beeps]

Okay, okay. I'm going, I'm going.

[Dinner music]

???

hi.

I'm Dennis. I'm mindy.

I just came from a delivery,

so threw this on, raced over.

Well, you look very pretty for having just raced over.

I just wish that I had more time, you know,

to get ready for this date.

I mean, if it is a date. I don't care.

We could just be here as bros, who cares?

Not me. What should I get to eat?

No, it's a date.

Oh.

Let's see, what should I order?

I'm basically a vegetarian for moral reasons.

I mean, I eat eggs and fish and hamburgers.

Never steak.

Well, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Wall street, huh?

So you must have access to a lot of drugs.

Actually, I don't have any access to drugs on wall street.

Do you?

No, no, no, I hate drugs.

You know, I didn't know that pot and marijuana

were the same thing until college.

Really?

Okay, so we were talking

about how you grew up very handsome

and how difficult that was for you.

Can I just admit something here?

Mm-hmm.

Carl warned me that you can be a little bit,

not crazy,

but dramatic.

Carl said that?

I will kill...

To, uh, know why he would say something like that.

That Carl.

I just think it's really funny

because I find you so charming and down-to-earth.

Thank you. Yeah, I hate drama.

My idea of the perfect night is...

Staying at home. Staying at home.

Yes!

Eating, um, salad.

Hello, Caprese. Yeah, yeah.

Uh, miss?

There's a boy on the phone named Max.

He says it's an emergency.

I, uh, respectfully decline.

He says he's called you several times.

It's the son of a patient.

You know what, take it. By all means, it's not...

No, no, no.

There's a lot of doctors who can cover me,

so he's just so attached to me.

Kids love me.

What do you want me to do?

I don't care, babe.

Just throw it away, hang it up, whatever you wanna do.

It's your phone.

I don't know

what to tell you.

You know what, just give me the phone.

Give me the phone.

Max.

I am on a date right now.

Do you know how difficult it is

for a chubby 31-year-old woman to go on a legit date

with a guy who majored in economics at Duke?

Mm, I never told you those things.

I looked it up online, okay? Relax.

Please don't pull at my heartstrings.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll be there. Okay, damn it.

Dennis, I've had a great time,

but I have to go.

Oh.

Yeah, I should be finished

at, like, 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.

You could just come over.

All right.

Oh, no.

No, no, not like that. No, I'm sorry.

No, I used to be like that. Really?

But not anymore. Not with you.

'Cause I'm not...

No, you're great. I would love...

Okay.

At least not first date. Sure.

Third date, whole other story.

Really?

No, no, no, no.

Because you, I like you,

and I wouldn't want to ruin it with sex.

Okay, it's kind of a...

Roller coaster ride.

[Traffic honking]

[M.I.A.'s bad girls]

Taxi!

??? live fast, die young

??? bad girls do it well

??? live fast, die young

??? bad girls do it well

??? chain hits my chest

??? when I'm banging on the dashboard ???

??? my chain hits my chest

??? when I'm banging on the radio ???

??? get back

??? get down

??? pull me closer if you think you can hang ???

??? hands up

??? hands tied

??? don't go screaming

??? if I blow you with a bang ???

??? ah, suki, suki

??? I'm coming in the cherokee ???

??? gasoline

??? there's steam on the window screen ???

??? take it, take it

??? wheels bouncing like a trampoline ???

??? when I get to where I'm going ???

??? gonna have you trembling

[upbeat music]

???

who would actually do that?

Billy, don't run.

It's new year's.

Go out and get laid, man.

Danny, honestly, what is your problem?

What's my problem? What's his problem?

I'd be pissed off if I was Meg Ryan

and some guy interrupted my new year's Eve like that.

I'd be like, "hey, man, I'm just trying to party with my friends

"and kiss some strangers at midnight.

Like, leave me alone. What are you doing here?"

Never speak for Meg Ryan again.

I won't.

I'm assuming your date is cancelled.

Maybe I won't get married, you know?

Maybe I'll do one of those

eat, pray, love things.

Ugh, no, I don't wanna pray. Forget it.

I'll just die alone.

So who's the guy?

He was perfect, Danny.

He was handsome, he had a job,

he was exactly 7 inches taller than me,

which you know is very important to me.

Was he a man?

What do you mean? Yeah, of course he was a man.

No, I mean, like, was he a man?

Danny, don't just repeat it

and expect me to understand what you're saying.

Was this the kinda guy who, if you heard glass breaking

in the middle of the night, is he gonna jump out of bed,

say, "stay here," and look through the house naked

with a baseball bat,

or is he gonna hide under the covers with you?

I don't know, that's a good question.

Is this the kinda guy who is gonna get grossed out

when you give birth,

or is he gonna dry your forehead

and tell you you look beautiful

while all that disgusting stuff is coming out of you?

I couldn't glean that from this one date we had.

Is this the kinda guy that's not afraid

to get into a fistfight at a Springsteen show

because someone really disrespects him? Okay, okay.

And he'll just put it out... Okay, okay.

And he'll take 'em down right there, right now?

You're just talking about yourself.

I'm not talking about myself. Okay.

Maybe there's some overlap.

Yeah.

You know, you actually didn't do

a terrible job with that breech.

I knew it, you stalker.

I knew it, you were trying to steal my delivery.

Well, sure, I never know when you're gonna get wasted

and spend the night in jail.

I gotta pounce on those opportunities,

with the economy and all.

[Scoffs]

Danny, that was kinda funny.

What, with the economy line?

Yeah. Yes.

You know, this morning I woke up in jail

'cause I was broken up over a guy

who fixes teeth for a living. That's crazy.

Now I'm watching one of my favorite movies.

I just delivered a baby into this world.

I have a new patient. That's great.

This is working.

This is progress.

This is finally turning... What are you doing?

Now we're talking.

I am sharing my feelings with you.

I want to share this show with you.

It's a great show.

I've seen this episode before.

There are different episodes of this?

(Mindy) Okay, Gwen, let me defend myself.

Because even though I messed up the date with Dennis,

I think that he was almost too perfect.

Like maybe he was a serial murderer or something.

If he's a serial murderer, then Carl's a serial murderer.

[Buzzer sounds]

Who's that?

Uh, delivery. I ordered some clear soup.

Clear soup? That's not a thing.

It is a thing. It is a thing.

Tell your clear soup hello for me.

Okay, I will.

Hi.

Hey, Gwen, um... Mm-hmm.

I really am changing though.

I just feel very motivated,

and tomorrow is going to be different.

And you know what, if not tomorrow,

then the next day, I swear.

Okay. Okay.

[M.I.A.'s bad girls]

??? live fast, die young

??? bad girls do it well

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0