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1
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,596
Please, Hilary, where are we going?
2
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,110
- There's going to be a delivery.
- A special delivery?
3
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,034
The Red Cross arrive in a few hours,
so I want to be in and out.
4
00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:24,559
Sharpish.
5
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,432
(GRUFF MALE VOICE)
So you've got a big do on?
6
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,473
- Our annual conference, Barbara.
- Annual piss-up.
7
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:57,832
All the top brass from head office
come down for a bit of male bonding.
8
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,916
Maybe I should come with you.
9
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,635
Mind you, who'd want to bond with me?
I'm neither nowt nor summat.
10
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,718
You all right, Barbara?
You sound a bit down.
11
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,150
To tell you the truth, I'm on.
12
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:12,670
- What do you mean - on?
- Time of the month.
13
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,270
I woke up this morning
and me bed's like a butcher's slab.
14
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,674
Disgusting!
15
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,678
- Biologically, how can you...?
- God knows.
16
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:25,317
Maybe it's psychosomatic. All I know
is I'm back to where I started.
17
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,158
What? A fat hairy man in a dress?
18
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,510
Right. I've had enough of this!
19
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:33,599
Get out! You can bloody walk
to your conference.
20
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,950
Chauvinist pig!
21
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,719
- Well done, Geoff (!)
- It's not my fault!
22
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:43,799
As a woman, I could have you
under the Sex Discrimination Act!
23
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:47,879
As a woman, we could have you
under the Trades Descriptions Act!
24
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:54,794
Um, all right.
25
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:58,833
Who would win
out of "Alien" and "Species"?
26
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,598
Er...
27
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,392
- "Alien One"?
- Yeah.
28
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,599
- "Species. "
- Incorrect!
29
00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:10,032
Alien could bleed acid onto Species
when Species is a naked woman.
30
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,469
That would be a video worth watching.
31
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,436
(HUMMING)
32
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,516
How are we doing for bags, dear?
33
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,551
Just a minute, dear. I'm in the book.
34
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,830
- You're having a look?
- No. I'm in the book.
35
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,838
- No need to be rude, dear.
- I'm not being rude, dear.
36
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,916
- You are rude, dear.
- I'm not.
37
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,399
Excuse me?
38
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,797
Just a minute, dear.
Is it two Ts in "cassette", dear?
39
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,558
- What's that? Two Ts?
- Yes.
40
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,033
- Right.
- Cassette.
41
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,037
What can I do for you, dear?
42
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,118
- I brought you some stuff.
- Lovely! Good stuff, is it?
43
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,629
A lot of it's new. Mainly baby stuff.
44
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,717
I just won't need it any more.
45
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,319
- What's that?
- A teddy.
46
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,238
It's a teddy, is it?
47
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,034
Yes. It's new.
I could have taken it back, but...
48
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,391
It needs a special mark on it
or we can't take it.
49
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,272
I don't know.
50
00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,790
No. I can't take it
without a special mark.
51
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,992
- Special mark?
- Here we are, dear. Two teas.
52
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,270
- I didn't make you one.
- That's OK.
53
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,674
- What's that?
- A teddy.
54
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:11,509
- Has it got a special mark on it?
- No. I was just explaining.
55
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,631
- We can't take this.
- Why not?
56
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,593
It's not safe. All the safe ones
have got a special mark.
57
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,518
- It could have glass in it.
- Or sand, dear.
58
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,915
- A kiddie could die.
- It's a death-trap.
59
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,111
It wouldn't be right if we took it.
60
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,915
- I think the Spastics will have it.
- They'll take anything.
61
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,032
- Or Cancer. A few doors down.
- Right.
62
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,312
Oh! We'll keep the bag,
if we may, dear.
63
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,635
- It's a good bag.
- Plastic, is it?
64
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,318
Has it got a special mark on it?
65
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,671
- Special mark?
- Yes. Or we can't take it.
66
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,519
- You could kill a kiddie.
- Death-trap, is it?
67
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,313
- It hasn't got one.
- We can't take it. It's not safe.
68
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,080
Well, give it to the Spastics, then!
69
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:59,312
Ooh! Well, she's no need
to be so rude, has she, dear?
70
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,749
- No, dear. Two teas?
- Yeah. I'll get them.
71
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,755
You've got Ouse FM this afternoon,
72
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,996
then a press conference at the town hall.
73
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,588
This is Look North,
which is going out live, so...
74
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,757
Are you going to tell me
I can't swear?
75
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,235
You do have a bit of a reputation.
76
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,397
I won't turn the air blue, Murray.
Don't worry.
77
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,556
Now, where do I stand?
78
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,274
- You know we're going out live?
- Don't worry.
79
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,393
Thank you. I'm joined by the Mayor
of Royston Vasey, Larry Vaughn.
80
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,353
Mayor Vaughn, a lot of activity
in the town today.
81
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,074
Yes. It's a beautiful day.
The sun is shining.
82
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,829
It's a routine vaccination programme,
sort of having a flu jab.
83
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,757
Right. What about the nosebleeds?
84
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,836
(CROWD) Ah, the nosebleeds.
85
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,520
It's perfectly innocent. No need to panic.
86
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,393
- Mayor Vaughn, thank you.
- It's a fucking pleasure.
87
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:08,798
(ECSTATIC GROANING)
88
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,196
Hello, love. Is your mum in?
89
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:18,678
Ron, I'm nearly there!
Use me! Use me!
90
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,836
Would you tell her Mrs Levinson's here?
91
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,393
Yeah.
92
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,511
Mum!
93
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:32,958
Hello, Mrs Levinson.
94
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,595
I got your place all spick and span.
I wasn't expecting you back yet.
95
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,153
Obviously.
96
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:42,194
We were just doing some DIY.
Ron was filling a crack in the bedroom.
97
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:46,109
So I heard. The plane was early.
I thought I'd pop round for my keys.
98
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,595
Right. Come in. I'll put a brew on.
99
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,033
Behave!
100
00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:00,031
Tanya, get down.
She's just had another litter.
101
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,631
- You or the dog?
- What?
102
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,159
Nothing.
103
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,711
So...
104
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,035
Is your Ricky out on parole yet?
105
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:17,313
Terrible business that.
Dropping cement blocks off the flyover.
106
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,112
It were never proved.
107
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,550
I'm sure your Ricky's blameless.
108
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,715
Eddy and I can't wait
to attend our Matthew's graduation.
109
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,831
He's done ever so well. A first.
110
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,031
I'm so proud.
111
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,948
Have you ever considered college
for your ten?
112
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:37,994
If I'd not had that still-birth,
we'd have had a football team, so...
113
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,749
I wonder if you'd come round this
afternoon and do a couple of hours?
114
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:45,270
I want the place clean,
what with this health scare.
115
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,550
Oh, yeah. I know what you mean.
116
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,233
I can see how hard it must be
with so many.
117
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,909
The mischief they get up to -
not just Ricky.
118
00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:00,238
There was Damian and that toddler
in the quarry pond. Still...
119
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,990
You've got this place nice.
120
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,796
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
121
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:38,071
Hello? What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
122
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,919
I'm writing a card for the shop window.
123
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:46,592
"Wanted. No-tail (a woman)
to marry our son David
124
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,631
"in the attic."
125
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,319
Show me.
126
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,878
Change that to "local no-tail".
127
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,513
(ROARING)
128
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,870
All right, David!
129
00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,797
Dadda's coming!
130
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,354
Hello there.
131
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,438
Yes. Can I help you at all?
132
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,519
Do you know if there's a garage
anywhere? I ran out of petrol.
133
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,278
Pet-rol?
134
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,277
A litre should get me into town.
135
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,075
Oh! This is a local shop
for local people.
136
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:23,952
There's nothing for you here.
137
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,516
It is an emergency.
I'm delivering medical supplies.
138
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,597
You couldn't fill it up for me?
139
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,516
Oh, all right!
140
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,029
But I've only just gone this morning.
141
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,988
I'll try to find a garage.
If I could just...
142
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,473
Edward!
143
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:45,275
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
144
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,914
He's trying to grab my pet-rol!
145
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:51,032
He spoke of walking, but not on legs.
146
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,232
Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs.
147
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,635
- Well, I've got a car.
- Devil!
148
00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:00,799
Propelled across the land
in a carriage of no horse drawn,
149
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,674
belching Satan's black wind
into our clean and local air.
150
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,713
This is a decent town and a local shop.
There's nothing for you here!
151
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,434
Fine. I'll be off.
152
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,113
Edward?
153
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:19,074
Don't worry, Tubbs. He won't get far!
154
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,515
Hello, Justin. How are you?
155
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,790
- All right.
- Alles klar.
156
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,912
Now, I've just been looking
at my pink pomphlet
157
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,316
and I see that this afternoon
we're going to be seeing some caves
158
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:41,399
in the lovely town of Royston Vasey,
which will be a real good treat.
159
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,239
But to make love with the boys
this morning,
160
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:46,669
I thought we could play football.
161
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,075
- Great. England versus Germany.
- Ja.
162
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,350
You could be the capital of Royston Vasey,
163
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,870
- and I'll be the queen of Duisberg.
- We can toss for sides.
164
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,911
- Oh?
- Heads or tails?
165
00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,476
I'm easy, Justin.
I know which side I'm playing on.
166
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:08,870
OK. Do we have a Pam Doove next?
Or a Pamela Doove?
167
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:11,275
I'm Pam Doove.
168
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,436
- Hello. How are you?
- A bit nervous.
169
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:14,834
Don't worry.
170
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,998
- Is it Pam or Pamela?
- Pam, Pamela, whatever.
171
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:22,750
OK. Pamela. My name's Jed Hunter.
I'm directing this commercial.
172
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,758
- How much has your agent told you?
- Not very much.
173
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,916
OK. Don't worry about that.
174
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:32,556
Basically, we're looking for a fresh face
for Greenwood's orange juice.
175
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,355
We're in a newsagent's.
It's a beautiful day outside,
176
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,392
and a young girl - Pamela -
walks into the shop,
177
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,476
Iooks around a bit and says,
178
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:46,549
"Excuse me. Has anyone got a bottle
of orange juice??" And that's it.
179
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,354
Do you want movements within it?
180
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:53,030
No, no. She comes into the shop,
obviously,
181
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:57,119
she says, "Excuse me. Has anyone
got a bottle of orange juice??"
182
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,719
And that's it.
183
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:02,389
So if you wanted to give us that
in your own time, that'd be cool.
184
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,718
Do you think I could go out
and come back in again?
185
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,638
Whatever's good for you, Pamela.
Cool, cool, cool.
186
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,193
Eskewed beef!
187
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:21,279
Have anybody got any bokkle
orange joof?!
188
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,759
OK. Um...
189
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,711
I don't know what happened there,
Pamela. I lost the line.
190
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,275
- Really?
- Yeah. I think more diction.
191
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:37,753
Some of the words were...
192
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,758
"Excuse me. Has anyone
got a bottle of orange juice??"
193
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,669
- I'll go out and come back again.
- Yeah. Cool.
194
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:53,436
Eskewed beef! Haff anybody got
any bokkle orange joof?!
195
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:57,753
OK.
196
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:02,238
Again, I'm not getting the sense
of the line as written.
197
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,113
She's 24, she's walking
into a newsagent's and saying,
198
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:09,198
"Excuse me. Has anyone
got a bottle of orange juice??"
199
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,197
Just lighten her up a bit.
200
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:12,673
- Right.
- Yeah.
201
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,438
Yeah.
202
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:22,119
Eskewed beef! Have anybody got
any bokkle orange joof?!
203
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,313
That too happy?
204
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,871
Do you get much work as an actress?
205
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,559
- No.
- No.
206
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,031
Uncle Harvey?
207
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,753
Auntie Val?
208
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:48,393
Hello, Benjamin.
209
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,636
Oh, God! Sorry.
210
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,595
Ah, Benjamin.
211
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,551
What's the matter?
212
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,877
Well, you're naked.
213
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:02,038
It's nothing to be ashamed of,
Benjamin.
214
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,870
In this house, the first Monday
of every month is Nude Day.
215
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,832
- Oh?
- Yes.
216
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:14,432
Yes. A day when we cast aside
the paraphernalia of the 21st century
217
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:19,350
and return to a simpler way of life,
closer to nature's intentions.
218
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:23,394
We've been to the supermarket,
the post office and the newsagent.
219
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,034
You've been wandering around like that?
220
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,312
We can't get the bus.
There's nowhere to put the change!
221
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:34,519
Well, I think I'll go out
and get some fresh air.
222
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,517
No, no, no, no, no.
223
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:40,110
As I say, today is Nude Day.
224
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,788
I don't understand.
225
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,399
Strip.
226
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,958
I'm sorry?
227
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,318
Take off your clothes.
228
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,715
We can't make any exceptions,
Benjamin.
229
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,558
Surely you remember the rhyme?
230
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,320
"On the first of the month,
we see clearly.
231
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,717
"To be clothed all the time
costs us dearly.
232
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,229
"So constricture away,
be happy and gay,
233
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,830
"Let your bum, balls and ninnies
swing freely."
234
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,793
No. I don't remember that one.
235
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,673
Oh, poor boy.
He's forgotten everything.
236
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:15,475
- Come along, Benjamin.
- Well, if you're sure.
237
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:16,999
Yes.
238
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,592
This is how we always do it.
239
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,472
(DOORBELL RINGS)
240
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,511
Ah, get that for me, Benjamin.
241
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:28,030
Your uncle and I
have some things to attend to.
242
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:40,796
Just checking I've got enough vaccine.
243
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,037
I thought I'd give you your jabs
while I'm here.
244
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,116
Oh.
245
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,193
Benjamin!
246
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,153
What are you doing?
What is the meaning of this?
247
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,557
Butt-naked in the lobby of this house.
248
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,716
Doubtless you've been in the bathroom,
249
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:11,071
spraying your belly
with sticky white love piss.
250
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,509
- You said...
- Take the boy upstairs, Val.
251
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,673
I think you're right, Mr Denton.
252
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,792
The boy's obviously
in a state of some confusion.
253
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,073
Yes. Perhaps a strong sedative
of some kind.
254
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:31,909
Say, Chloromazapine 20 milligrams?
255
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,678
Extraordinary behaviour.
256
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,951
If it were your Nude Day
I could understand.
257
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:40,630
Exactly. But that doesn't fall
till the fifteenth.
258
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,790
Just tell him... Hello?
259
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,878
Just tell him the Royston Vasey
contingent will...
260
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,195
No. Royston Vasey.
261
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,029
We're so late now. We'll miss
the Plastics in the Millennium seminar.
262
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,356
And the cakes at the start.
263
00:16:56,480 --> 00:17:00,268
- Do you know where we're going?
- Do bears shit in the woods?
264
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,994
No, but I might
if we don't get there soon.
265
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,190
We used to use a dock leaf in TAs.
266
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,073
- Have you got through?
- No. The battery's dead.
267
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,237
- Where the hell are we?
- I say we go back.
268
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,590
Everyone else is going to be there!
269
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,711
- Sshh!
- What?
270
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,273
Sshh!
271
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,872
(HE FARTS)
One nil!
272
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,072
Geoff, it's serious.
If we don't get to the conference...
273
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,111
We'll get there.
274
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,879
I know exactly where we are.
I was in the TAs.
275
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,434
That is north. That is magnetic north.
276
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:34,599
And just over this brow here
is our hotel.
277
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,834
Just across that river.
278
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,077
- I'm going back.
- We're in the middle of nowhere!
279
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:46,158
- What are we going to do? Swim?!
- Girls, girls, girls.
280
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:49,192
- I was in the TAs.
- So what?
281
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:51,959
I can get us across
in ten minutes flat.
282
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,640
We used to do it week in, week out.
283
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,672
- What about our suits?
- You won't get a splash on you.
284
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,199
Trust me.
285
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,152
It'll be fine.
286
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,438
Help me!
287
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,836
Help me, Mike! Help me!
288
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,796
Well, we're across.
289
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,955
Oh, there you are, Mrs Levinson.
290
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,469
Those sodding Germans woke me up, Iris.
291
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,877
I had to have a lie-down.
Marks & Spencer's wiped me out.
292
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,276
It's not what it used to be.
People use it like a supermarket.
293
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,868
- Really?
- Mind you, it's dear.
294
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,275
But isn't everything these days?
295
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,311
It must be hard for you, love.
296
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,317
I don't suppose you get much money
297
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,159
from Ron flogging roses
in the middle of the A54.
298
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:52,952
- We get by.
- Oh, I know.
299
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,628
But it's a bare kind of existence.
300
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:59,594
Then you have to come here
and see how Eddy and I enjoy life.
301
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,109
It must make you feel
like a little Rwandan
302
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,435
Iet loose in Harrod's Food Hall.
303
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,391
You're right, Mrs Levinson.
304
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,988
My little buggers eat me
out of house and home.
305
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,191
But at least they're not faddy.
306
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,278
It must have been hell,
that business with your Nicola.
307
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:15,753
(BALL BANGS)
308
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,440
Honestly! They'll have a window through!
309
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:22,075
Special plates, separate cutlery,
that fuss with rubber gloves.
310
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,713
I'll talk to their teacher.
311
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,433
Wouldn't have milk or bread,
312
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,108
- or go near a potato.
- Iris!
313
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,629
When she did eat, she couldn't keep it in.
314
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,274
We never knew
which end it'd come out of!
315
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,394
Do you remember that smell
in her bedroom?
316
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:41,229
Under the ceiling tiles, we found
them Morrison's bags full of sick.
317
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:42,714
Please!
318
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,276
In the psychiatric ward,
she has to eat what she's given,
319
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,948
seeing as it comes through a tube.
320
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,315
I'm going outside to have strong words
before there's an accident.
321
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,874
It's getting as bad as your estate.
322
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:01,755
I know, Mrs Levinson.
Must make you want to throw up.
323
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,395
I couldn't possibly, Mrs de Courcey.
324
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,272
Oh, but we insist.
325
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,995
A present for Uncle Vetty
from Bentley.
326
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,714
For all your kindnesses.
327
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,434
I'm ever so worried about him,
Mr Chinnery.
328
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:23,758
He's normally such a sprightly
little fellow, aren't you, darling?
329
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,359
Hello.
330
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,391
Hello, Bentley. Hmm.
331
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:32,433
(FART)
Please be gentle with him.
332
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,869
We haven't been firm enough
with Bentley.
333
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:37,594
What did he have for breakfast
this morning?
334
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,951
- Um... Winalot.
- And what else?
335
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:45,073
A little poached salmon.
Um...foie gras.
336
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,748
Sliced truffle.
(FARTING)
337
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,352
Remember what we talked about,
Mrs de Courcey?
338
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:55,279
Bentley's a dog. He's not a person.
339
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:56,993
- But...
- Look at his belly.
340
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,829
Distended with methane from the rich
rubbish you've been feeding him.
341
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,032
Oh, but he's so delicate.
342
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,912
He's not made of china.
343
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:10,557
I fear a serious bowel disorder
has been precipitated.
344
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,591
So I'm going to have to perform...
345
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,557
a rectal examination.
346
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:21,276
Oh! Oh, Bentley.
Oh, you brave little soldier.
347
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,436
There we go.
348
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:30,793
Poor little Bentley.
349
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,834
I think you'll find he's more robust
than you give him credit for.
350
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,190
(SQUELCHING)
351
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,073
Oh, dear.
352
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:12,117
That's it, Tubbs. Fill her up.
353
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:13,594
A little more.
354
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:16,998
All right. Stop.
355
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:18,633
Get in.
356
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,598
I don't know why we never
thought of this before.
357
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,508
If the no-tails won't come to us,
we must go to them.
358
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,995
We'll have a bride for David in no time.
359
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,350
Edward, how do I make it walk?
360
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,755
Patience, Tubbs, patience.
361
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,348
We must read the instructions
thoroughly.
362
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,630
(ENGINE REVS, GEARS CRUNCH)
363
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,228
We don't want anyone getting hurt.
364
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:57,040
OK. Who would win out of "Gandhi"
and "Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit"?
365
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,513
Um...
366
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:02,876
It's not too bad, love.
367
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,431
The lease is only for a year.
368
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,757
We've got our privacy.
That's the main thing.
369
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,509
Oh, good. You are at home.
370
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,757
I'm sure you don't mind a visit
from your landlord.
371
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,509
- What are you doing, Mr...?
- Call me Pop, Gary.
372
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,359
And you, Lynne, how are you, eh?
373
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:26,913
OK.
374
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:32,073
We're going to be good friends,
me and you, Lynne.
375
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,955
Good friends.
376
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:40,879
But now, my friends,
I bring gifts for you.
377
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,639
This is a custom from the old country
378
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,354
whenever you move to a new home.
379
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:51,437
A bull's heart
that you will always have strength.
380
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,270
A manure
381
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,073
that you will always be fertile.
382
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:01,078
This last, Gary, this is for you.
383
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:08,556
But now, my friends, I have bad news.
384
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:09,999
What is it?
385
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:15,149
It's my lawyers. They are vampyr.
They bleed me dry!
386
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:19,239
I say to them, I have a property
for a fine young couple.
387
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:23,433
They are not tenants to me.
They are like my children.
388
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,516
I want to give them a good start.
389
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:30,157
But the lawyers they say no.
Is business.
390
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:33,636
They want to put the rent up
by a hundred quid.
391
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,159
No!
392
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,191
But don't worry, Gary,
393
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,038
Pop stand up to them.
394
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:43,551
We do a deal.
So now is only £90 more.
395
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,318
Oh, thanks!
396
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:50,355
But, hey, what am I thinking about?
397
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:53,711
This is your first week
in your new home.
398
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:57,469
There is no place for Pop here. I go.
399
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,319
I come back for the money
in the morning.
400
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,989
Oh, don't worry. I have my own key.
401
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,552
Oh. You are a lucky man, Gary.
402
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,150
A lucky, lucky man.
403
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,512
You look nervous, Samuel.
404
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,711
Of course I'm nervous.
405
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,517
It's this public health thing.
They're sniffing round.
406
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,837
- What if they find something?
- They'll find nothing.
407
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:40,552
Trust me.
408
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,991
I dealt with Maurice.
I can deal with this.
409
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:47,158
You dealt with Maurice?
410
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:51,831
I don't think we'll have any trouble
from our resident magistrate.
411
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:53,439
Can you be sure?
412
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:58,913
Fear is the best insurance
that money can buy.
413
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:03,635
Audrey's Pat has got a nosebleed,
and Denise from Thresher's,
414
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,559
and even Trevor
who fetches my coleslaw.
415
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:10,196
And you know Dan who works with me
in the sandwich shop?
416
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:14,074
She said they might be having
compulsory health inspections.
417
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:17,271
Do you want to carve, love?
418
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,790
All right, Brian?
419
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:29,911
I found a good splint.
420
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,152
- I'm going to tie it to your leg.
- Please don't, Geoff.
421
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,840
- Aagh!
- All right, all right.
422
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,032
I brought you some dock leaves
in case you want that bab.
423
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,630
Where's Mike?
He said he'd only be an hour.
424
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,036
Probably lost.
He can't read the land like I can.
425
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,310
I bet they don't find us for days.
426
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,795
- Oh, Christ!
- I'll look after you.
427
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,355
- I brought you some food.
- What is it?
428
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:57,596
Just eat them. They're good for you.
429
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:00,112
Are you not having any?
430
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:01,799
No. I've got this.
431
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:05,757
Found it in my pocket.
432
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:11,236
I wish I'd stayed in the TAs.
I was good at that.
433
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,676
I wanted to join the army.
They said I was too fat.
434
00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:21,236
This job I'm doing now...
435
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,435
I'm no good at it. Mike hates me.
436
00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,029
- That's not true, Geoff.
- It is!
437
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:30,390
And I bet I get blamed for all this.
438
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,916
Yeah, well, I'll show him.
439
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,679
If I can get us back to that hotel...
440
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,596
in front of that board,
441
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,757
hopefully with you still alive.
442
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,036
Maybe I'll have done something -
443
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:49,755
one thing to show them
what I'm capable of.
444
00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:51,950
They know what you're capable of.
445
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,230
- Sshh!
- Oh, not again, Geoff.
446
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:56,316
(STICK CRACKS)
447
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:57,999
What was that?
448
00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:01,156
It could be the enemy.
449
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:03,758
What enemy?
450
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:05,677
Aaaagh!
451
00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:18,753
Who is it?
452
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:25,277
It's Mike.
453
00:29:25,327 --> 00:29:29,877
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