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1
00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:06,069
(WOMAN): Dear Benjamin, we're so
glad you're coming to stay withus
2
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,157
if only for the night.
3
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:12,717
I hope that you and your friend
enjoy your hiking holiday,
4
00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:16,117
and don't find our little town too boring.
5
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:22,031
We've never camped. Uncle Harvey
doesn't get on with chemical toilets.
6
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,674
Excuse me, do you mind? This is private.
7
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:31,157
ANNOUNCEMENT: We're approaching
Royston Vasey. Royston Vasey next stop.
8
00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:34,352
This is the end of the line.
9
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:18,118
- Where to, pal?
- Swanmills estate, please.
10
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,470
Right oh!
11
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,075
Are you here for work or pleasure?
12
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:28,353
Pleasure. I'm staying with relatives
and I'm going hiking with a friend.
13
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:33,156
It's a nice part of town is Swanmills.
Lovely shops.
14
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,830
It's where I get my dresses from.
15
00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:41,271
The good thing is, they know me there now.
16
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:46,395
I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins
once my bust started showing.
17
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:53,669
I've only been on hormones 18 months,
my nipples are like bullets.
18
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,516
- Morning, Dr. Chinnery.
- Morning, Barbara.
19
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:04,839
POSTBOX: Thank you
forposting a letterinside me.
20
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,155
Sorry, lads.
21
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,158
Morning, Mrs Dyson.
22
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,310
Yes?
23
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,273
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you open?
24
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,234
Yes.
25
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,556
Can I help you at all?
26
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,958
No thanks. I'm just... Just looking.
27
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,752
I haven't seen you before. Are you a local?
28
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,157
No, I'm meeting up with a friend. Going hiking.
29
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,197
- Cheerio.
- Can I help you at all?
30
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,597
- Yes, how much is this snowstorm?
- Ahh!
31
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:06,950
- What are you doing?
- Sorry.
32
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,357
Don't touch the things!
33
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,109
This is a local shop for local people.
There's nothing for you here.
34
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,790
- I can pay.
- Keep your hands so I can see them.
35
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:23,597
I have a husband. He's up the stairs.
He's sure to hear everything.
36
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:27,236
If you were to come back here
and touch them, I...
37
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:31,718
- Edward, Edward!
- Hello, hello!
38
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:36,596
What's going on? What's all this
shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
39
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,234
I caught him stealing from the shop.
40
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,795
Who is he? Is his identity known?
41
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,150
He's not local.
42
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:48,069
Look here. We're very proud of
our town, this is a decent town,
43
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,158
and a local shop. We'll have no trouble here.
44
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,794
- He asked me to open the till.
- No!
45
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:59,996
He has a plan. He covets
the precious things of the shop.
46
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:04,273
Tea-leaf, hey? You people are all alike.
47
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,755
You march in here. Young...
48
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,679
Try and touch the local things.
49
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:14,271
I suppose next you'll be spraying me
with one of those cans of paint.
50
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,870
Smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement.
51
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,912
I've got your number, feller. You won't get far.
52
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,156
He tried to see under my clothes.
53
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:30,757
Pervert, eh? Got sex on the brain?
54
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:35,431
Wet the bed, I'll bet, as a boy. No sisters.
55
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:41,398
I used to be in a war,
and I put paid to quite a few like you.
56
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:45,957
This is a decent town and a local
shop. There's nothing for you here.
57
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:49,391
Tell him I can't have babies anyway.
58
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,478
Tell him my insides are all wrong.
59
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:58,835
Devil! Go on, take the precious things
of the shop, burn down our home.
60
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:02,350
Rape our dead mouths!
61
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:07,076
So long as I don't have to listen to
any more of your disgusting babble.
62
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:09,191
Ah!
63
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,949
I'm sorry if I've done anything
to upset or offend either of you.
64
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,038
I just wanted to browse in your bloody shop.
65
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,114
Never mind, I'll just leave quietly.
66
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,195
You heard the man, Tubbs.
67
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,199
Get undressed.
68
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:42,192
BARBARA: Yeah, it's quite
a straightforward operation.
69
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,517
Basically, they split the penis in two
70
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:51,435
and invert it using the membranes.
71
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:59,273
Hokey, cokey, pig in a pokey.
72
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,315
Hello, gents! It's half past nine.
73
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:05,432
Time for men with jobs to go to work.
74
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,996
Other men stay in bed 'til dinner time
watching Tots TV
75
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:13,557
thinking about how worthless
and pathetic they are.
76
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,512
Good morning, job seekers!
77
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,719
We were thinking yesterday about jobs.
78
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,388
Do you remember? What did we conclude?
79
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,753
There aren't any.
80
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:33,350
No, Ross. We concluded
that there are so many jobs out there
81
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:38,031
we need to know what our options are.
82
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:42,233
So today we're going to have
a brainstorming session.
83
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,273
Don't worry, Mickey, love. It doesn't hurt.
84
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,875
First up, who can tell me what this is?
85
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,551
- It's a pen.
- Yes, Ross. One of Pauline's pens.
86
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,752
Me and Mr Pen are going for a little walk
87
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:07,398
down the High Street, where we'll see
lots of people doing lots ofjobs.
88
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,272
Not our High Street, then.
89
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,438
Oh, look! There's Mr Pastry.
90
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,712
- What do you think his job could be?
- Baker.
91
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,115
Yes, good! Baker.
92
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,710
I'm going to write that on the board..."Baker"...
93
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:26,072
And then... Oh, look who's over there!
94
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:30,512
It's Mr Cabbages. And his job is...?
95
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,597
Fireman!
96
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:37,430
No, Mickey, love. He's a greengrocer.
97
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:42,236
But his good friend is Mr Flames, and he's a...?
98
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,670
Greengrocer.
99
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,237
- No.
- Fireman.
100
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:51,513
Good! Come on, shout more jobs out.
Let's get a list going.
101
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:55,669
- Fireman!
- We've got that one, Mickey, love.
102
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,835
- Newsagent.
- Good!
103
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:05,555
- Policeman, carpet fitter...
- That's ajob, isn't it?
104
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,069
Doctor, vet, tennis player...
105
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:11,875
- Football player.
- Just a minute. "Tennis player"...
106
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:15,072
- Fireman!
- Window cleaner, gardener, architect.
107
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,352
- Slow down!
- Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy.
108
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:22,473
Butcher, baker, candlestick maker.
Fisherman, builder, labourer.
109
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,274
Alright, clever Dick.
110
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,716
That's enough now.
111
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,794
- An astronaut.
- Piss off!
112
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,429
Shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross.
113
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,438
You'll never get one, you dole scum.
114
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,748
Can you think of ajob, Mickey, love?
115
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,109
- Yeah.
- Ahhh!
116
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,995
You see, Ross? This poor bastard
can't even spell "job",
117
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,713
but at least he tries.
118
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:08,913
J-O...
119
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,712
What's this?
120
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:15,994
"Dear Mr Mickey, we'd like you to
come for an interview this afternoon."
121
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,158
That's brilliant, Mickey. What's it for?
122
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,032
Fireman.
123
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,670
BARBARA: It's not so bad once you
get shaved and marked up with lipstick.
124
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:31,919
But we won't know about lubrication
until they open me up.
125
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,719
- Hello, Auntie Val.
- Come inside. Quickly, quickly...
126
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,438
- Through here, Benjamin, please.
- Thank you, Auntie Val.
127
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:54,234
- Very kind of you to let me stay.
- Not at all.
128
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,876
I was only saying to your
Uncle Harvey over breakfast,
129
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,356
we don't see enough of your side of the family.
130
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,714
Whilst you're staying here,
we want you to relax,
131
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:08,629
come and go as you please and
treat this place like your own home.
132
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,831
- I'm only staying one night.
- I know.
133
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,396
- And I do have to meet Martin later.
- Absolutely.
134
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,753
- Oh...
- What is it?
135
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:22,795
It's just a little thing, but we ask you
to leave your shoes in the front porch.
136
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:28,435
- Who's put footprints on the carpet?
- Sorry, that was me.
137
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:33,919
Ah, Benjamin! It's just that in this house
we leave our shoes in the porch.
138
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,873
- Underneath the barometer.
- Sorry about that.
139
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:42,871
I was explaining to Benjamin that we
want him to relax and feel at home.
140
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,674
Of course, of course.
141
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,313
Take your shoes off.
142
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,790
This way.
143
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,672
Good.
144
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,308
- We thought you...
- Not there. There.
145
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,955
Left a bit.
146
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,515
And the right one closer to the left.
147
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,029
That'll do.
148
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,435
We thought you'd be happiest
down on the sofa bed.
149
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:22,430
- You have shower and WC.
- Into which we don't pass solids.
150
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,034
And you won't have the girls running in and out.
151
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,673
That sounds great.
152
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:34,316
I shall be inconvenienced,
as this room serves as my study,
153
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,431
but I can stay late at the office.
154
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,631
- If it's any trouble...
- No.
155
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,631
It's fine.
156
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:49,193
I'll explain one or two things,
so you feel absolutely at home.
157
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:53,154
- Firstly, the keys.
- Oh right.
158
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:01,474
They're all colour coded,
so it shouldn't take you too long.
159
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,636
This is what I'm saying, Geoff.
160
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:08,310
There won't be any work if they don't
get a move on with the road.
161
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,556
- We're dying on our arses here.
- It'll be all right.
162
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:14,389
Come on, Brian! We've only got
an hour for dinner, you know.
163
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:18,479
- He's bloody deaf, him.
- You know what they say, Geoff.
164
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,831
- What?
- Mmm.
165
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,554
- Eh?
- Mmm.
166
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,911
- I can't hear you.
- I said, bummers are deaf.
167
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,439
Ahhh!
168
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:33,076
- It's a good one, that.
- I fell for it and all.
169
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,672
Sorry lads. I was getting that table for tonight.
170
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:40,555
Brian, you know what they say, don't you?
171
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,910
Bummers are deaf.
172
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,554
- What do you mean?
- They're deaf, aren't they?
173
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,069
Bummers are deaf.
174
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,796
I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.
175
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,959
Well I don't. Mike said it.
176
00:13:57,160 --> 00:14:00,152
He was really laughing.
177
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,632
Good afternoon.
178
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:11,276
It's just through here, veterinary.
179
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,311
You're a good lad.
180
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:17,798
Thanks for coming at such short notice.
181
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,560
She's in her basket.
182
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,355
I know she won't suffer with you, Mr Chinnery.
183
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,953
- I won't be a minute.
- Right.
184
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,510
Hello.
185
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,836
Hello, girl.
186
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,074
On your last legs, you old trooper.
187
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,669
Well, never mind.
188
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,599
Had a good innings, eh?
189
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:51,679
Chased a few cats. Chewed a few bones.
190
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,352
Well, you won't be in pain much longer.
191
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,398
Don't mind this. Just a silly little needle.
192
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,316
There we go.
193
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,875
Shhh...
194
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,079
Good dog. There.
195
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,919
Shhh...
196
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:21,113
Off to the land of nod, eh?
197
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:27,113
Here she is, veterinary. That tumour
puts another half stone on her.
198
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,198
- Who have you got there?
- It's Blacko.
199
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:34,871
The poorly one, the one I want
putting down, you know.
200
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:40,273
And this one, the, the... sleeping one...
201
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,959
...by the fire?
202
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,754
Whiskey. My little angel, she is.
203
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,679
My little princess. Aren't you, chick?
204
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,270
Right...
205
00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:00,479
Whiskey? Whiskey?
206
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:06,556
Would you take a seat, Mr Tinsel.
I've some rather upsetting news.
207
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,430
PAULINE: So, job seekers.
208
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,269
When we think about what skills you've got
209
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:22,271
we can narrow this list ofjob options
down to babysitter
210
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:27,634
and bramble-picker. I don't know
where that one came from.
211
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:31,116
Right, I'm going to dish my pens out again.
212
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,709
- What time is it, Ross?
- You've got a watch on.
213
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,071
- I know, but what time is it?
- 4.15.
214
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,079
Just a sec.
215
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,556
- Where do you think you're going?
- Interview.
216
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,433
You're going nowhere, Buster. Sit down.
217
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,436
Right, job seekers, I want you
to take a look at this list...
218
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:57,235
Just a second. How's he going to get
ajob if he can't go to his interview?
219
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:03,229
How's he going to get an interview
if he doesn't know his job options?
220
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:08,070
- He's already got an interview!
- That's not my responsibility.
221
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:12,273
My responsibility is to turn you into job seekers.
222
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:16,393
Where would I be if you all got work
before the end of this course?
223
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,955
- On the dole.
- Exactly!
224
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:23,711
I'd be sat here,
next to Mr Wadilove, stinking of shit.
225
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,197
This is my job we're talking about.
226
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,233
No, it's Mickey's job. You go, Mickey!
227
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,435
- Mickey.
- Go!
228
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,029
Mickey!
229
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:40,268
If you walk out of that door,
I have to stop your benefit.
230
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,757
Yeah. Both claims.
231
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,712
She can't do that.
232
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:48,592
Try me.
233
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,632
Please, Pauline. I feel confident.
234
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,400
Well, you look ridiculous.
235
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,114
I know they've put monkeys in space,
236
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,596
but do you think they'll have one
driving a fire engine? Sit down!
237
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,756
Go!
238
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:16,997
That's right, Mickey, love.
You stick to what you know, eh?
239
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:23,518
Pauline's right. I am stupid.
240
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:28,032
Right, the rest of you.
I want you split into two groups:
241
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:31,994
Babysitters and bramble-pickers,
and we'll look at the second stage.
242
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,760
Getting an interview.
243
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:41,076
- Barbara. Are bummers deaf?
- I've no idea.
244
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,392
Why am I asking you, you're a woman.
245
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,592
They've to open me up first,
along the base of the scrotum.
246
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:54,797
Black for paper, chrome for string,
the blue one from this hook do swing.
247
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,150
We keep them clean, don't be mistaken,
248
00:18:57,360 --> 00:19:00,113
for kitchen jobs, like trimming bacon.
249
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,429
I'd better be off,
I'm meeting Martin at 6 o'clock.
250
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:05,392
Then there's the towels.
251
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:09,832
White for hands, brown for feet,
green for torso, thighs and seat.
252
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:15,717
- In the cupboard 'neath the stair...
- You'll find the red for pubic hair.
253
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:21,031
I think that covers everything.
You might want to relax.
254
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,435
Perhaps you'd like to see Harvey's toads?
255
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,633
- What?
- I breed toads for a hobby.
256
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,308
- Really?
- Yes.
257
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,590
I'm meant to be meeting Martin later.
258
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,439
Batrachianism is a most rewarding pastime.
259
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:38,155
We thought we'd give you a tour
of the amphibarium,
260
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,158
and if you're very good,
you can stroke my green back.
261
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,669
But don't toads give you warts?
262
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:54,189
You may give a toad a wart,
but a toad may not give a wart to you.
263
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,239
I'll just go and put the kettle on.
264
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,596
Well, I'd better...
265
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:17,350
While the wee wife's away, just a few
words on the subject of onanism.
266
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,117
In this house we don't masturbate.
267
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:31,349
It's not a very pleasant thing to do,
268
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:35,030
particularly with two young girls
running around, now is it?
269
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,676
I'd hate to think of Chloe or Radcliffe
270
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,553
tearing downstairs first thing in the morning
271
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:46,038
only to find you hunched double on the sofa bed
272
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,435
pumping your fist.
273
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,871
So while you're a guest with us,
274
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:58,995
if you could rein in those
baser instincts, if you don't mind?
275
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,156
No, that's fine.
276
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,430
Good!
277
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:09,753
Everything hunky dory? Good.
278
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,838
I'm so glad it's all sorted.
279
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,838
Semen is such a persistent stain.
280
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,473
Oi! Three Bluebirds, please.
281
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,797
- He's bloody deaf, him.
- You know what they say, Geoff.
282
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,753
All right, all right...
283
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,192
Brian, tell Mike "Mau Mau".
284
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,597
- You what?
- That one about the Mau Mau.
285
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,552
I can't remember that. You tell him.
286
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:44,355
Danny Taurus told us this joke at the gun club,
287
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:47,711
and it's the funniest bloody joke.
Tell him, Brian. Go on.
288
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,276
Alright. There's these three fellers.
289
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,596
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.
290
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,519
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.
They get lost in the desert.
291
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,836
- Jungle.
- Is it?
292
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,314
Go on!
293
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,592
They get lost in the jungle
and get killed by these cannibals.
294
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,553
Not yet, you missed
the whole bloody joke, you idiot!
295
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,911
- I can't remember it, you tell him.
- No, you can.
296
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:13,317
- I'm not bothered, actually.
- Sit down!
297
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,159
- Eh?
- Sit down.
298
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,439
He's telling ajoke.
299
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:28,113
Just remember what the end is, and go back.
300
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,511
- There's an Englishman...
- Fruit.
301
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,358
It's the fruit.
302
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,911
- Oh!
- He remembers it.
303
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:44,749
They've got to pick ten pieces of fruit
and bring them back,
304
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,757
and the chief says: "So, Englishman..."
305
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,552
Do the voice.
306
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:56,399
The chief says: "You must choose
between death or Mau Mau."
307
00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:00,388
The Englishman says: "We don't bow
to savages, I'll choose Mau Mau."
308
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:03,273
So they stick the ten pieces of fruit up his arse.
309
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,358
- And what did he pick?
- The Englishman chose cherries.
310
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:11,509
How would you like ten cherries
up your arse? They're small, though.
311
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:17,796
- Go on, Brian.
- Oh, right...
312
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:22,391
The chief asks the Scotsman death
or Mau Mau, and he says Mau Mau.
313
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:26,752
What's the Scotsman's fruit, is that banana?
314
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,918
No, it's smaller than that. Just a sec...
315
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:34,272
- Let's just say...
- It's too big, it spoils the next one.
316
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,597
- Apple?
- No!
317
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,360
- Strawberries?
- In the jungle?
318
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:47,556
No, just think what it is for a minute.
319
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:51,230
Strawberries, apples...
320
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,356
Hey, Brian. Why are there no aspirins
in the jungle?
321
00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,159
- Don't know.
- Cause the parrots eat 'em all.
322
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,118
Did you get it?
323
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,754
I would've said paracetamol.
324
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,230
Either way, I think it worked.
325
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:21,352
The horn toad requires only three
droplets on a slice of moist bread.
326
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,074
Only three...
I'm meant to meet my friend Martin...
327
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:29,832
Moving on. Xenophusliavis...
328
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:34,274
Everyone's banking on this road.
What if it doesn't happen?
329
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,550
- I thought it was a dead cert.
- You can't say that...
330
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,433
Plums!
331
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,835
- What?
- They're plums. Come on!
332
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:46,318
- Geoff, it doesn't matter now.
- Course it does, he's near the end.
333
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,790
There's only the Irishman left. Come on, Brian.
334
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,309
The chief asks the Irishman,
"Death or Mau Mau?"
335
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,193
- You didn't do the voice.
- Don't matter!
336
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:56,879
- Finish it!
- I can't remember.
337
00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:59,548
- Finish it!
- Geoff, I can't remember it.
338
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,398
I honestly can't remember.
339
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,949
It's just a big bloody joke to you, isn't it?
340
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:20,396
Innit? Geoff is ajoke, he enters
a talent competition and loses.
341
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:26,357
My Mum said I would win.
342
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,592
I was only eight!
You know I've got this gun, don't you?
343
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,560
You're all listening now! Well, you...
344
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,911
You're going to tell this joke...
345
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:43,157
...and we're all going to laugh!
346
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,756
Or else he gets it!
347
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,235
Calm, Geoff! I'll finish the joke.
348
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,918
The chief turns to the Irishman
and says: "Death or Mau Mau?"
349
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,999
- And the Irishman looks at his fruits...
- Pineapple!
350
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,236
At his pineapples, and he says:
351
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:06,434
"I don't think I can stand
the Mau Mau. I'll choose death."
352
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,074
And the chief says to him...
353
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:12,920
GEOFF COCKS THE GUN
354
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,909
Get it right, Brian.
355
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,753
Chief says to the Irishman...
356
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,196
I can't remember.
357
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:31,552
He says: "Death by Mau Mau."
358
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:37,193
Have you heard it? It's good, right?
359
00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:42,999
Oi! Three Bluebirds.
360
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:51,155
Excuse me. You haven't seen
someone waiting here, have you?
361
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,510
What did he look like?
362
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:58,316
28 years old, brown hair.
363
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,637
Name of Martin Reeve.
364
00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:06,157
I found the wallet outside the shop.
Has he been in today?
365
00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:08,510
No, I don't know anything.
366
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,151
Now, if you'll excuse me, officer.
The shop is local.
367
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,115
Perhaps your husband saw
something. Is he on the premises?
368
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,118
He's up the stairs
369
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:23,073
cleansing the precious things of the shop.
370
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:27,159
He can't walk, you see, and he's blind.
371
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,792
Hello, hello, Tubbs. What's going on?
372
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,912
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
373
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,759
- Are you the proprietor?
- Yes, yes.
374
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,110
Your wife said you were up the stairs.
375
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,188
I slipped out, Tubbs.
376
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,710
For a walk. Didn't want to disturb you.
377
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,469
Fine evening, the town. We're very proud.
378
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:56,356
- He's looking for a boy.
- Poofter, eh?
379
00:27:56,560 --> 00:28:00,792
Little bummer boy.
Come across your type in the forces.
380
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:04,356
You won't catch me with my trousers down.
381
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:08,155
Sir, I'm here on police business.
I found this boy's wallet.
382
00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:10,954
- Local boy?
- He's not from our town.
383
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,310
Do we know his parents?
384
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:16,637
I said we'd never seen him before.
Did Tubbs do right?
385
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:19,434
You did it beautifully, Tubbs.
386
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:25,392
There's your answer, sir.
Never seen this... boy before.
387
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,558
Now, if you will excuse us.
388
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:31,396
We've a shop to run.
389
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,399
Yes, of course.
390
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:37,909
Thank you for your cooperation.
391
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:41,710
Good evening.
392
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:47,118
We didn't burn him!
393
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:56,318
I beg your pardon?
394
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:09,156
Edward. Will more strangers come?
395
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:12,636
Calm yourself, Tubbs.
396
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,592
None shall come.
397
00:29:14,642 --> 00:29:19,192
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