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Siri, how many fans were upset that I sold "Star Wars" to Disney?

Approximately 200 million.

And how many of those fans donated $4 billion to charity?

None of them, George.

When's the next showing of Steven's movie?

The next showing of Mr. Spielberg's movie is 7:30.

Would you like tickets?

Sure, and, uh, do you speak Bocce?

Bocce is a fictional language in the "Star Wars" universe.

It does not exist, therefore I cannot speak it.

Siri, who shot first... Han or Greedo?

Whatever you say, George. Whatever you say.

The new iPhone. It's waiting for you!

Excuse me, I want to buy

the thing that I saw on the TV with the George Lucas...

the girl in the phone.

Girl? In the phone? Um, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.

We have a lot of stuff in our phones,

but I'm not sure if girls come in the phone.

I wish.

[beep] You know what I'm talking about!

Y'all made the damn commercial...

the one with George Lucas,

and the phone was, like, a smart woman.

Oh, you're talking about Siri,

the personal voice-activated assistant on the iPhone.

Well, the iPhones are right over here.

I can't read a screen that small!

I'm old! I need something bigger!

Maybe I should get one of those.

So now you want a laptop.

Yes, but I still want the woman.

- Siri? - Whatever the bitch name is,

yes! I want her, but I want her in this!

I want the computer woman in the commercial.

I want it on that. Oh, you know what else?

I saw another commercial.

Do y'all have that screen thing that you can, like,

touch the screen instead of typing?

- You mean the iPad? - Yes, iPad.

I want that, too.

So you want to buy all three of these devices?

That's a fantastic idea.

No, no, I want it all in one device, please. Thank you.

You want that all in one?

Yes, please.

- You can't have it all in one. - Well, why not?

Um, because it's not possible.

Look, I think you're a little confused.

Okay, first of all, you can wipe that look off your face.

Now, I might not be the toughest dude,

but I know I can kick an Apple worker's ass, okay?

Now, I'm not crazy. I want one of these computers

with the touch-screen thingy on these

with the computer broad on the commercial from these.

I want it all in that. Thank you.

You can't.

Y'all made all this [beep]. You can't put it into one goddamn device?!

Whose idea was that?! I got to buy 18 [beep] pieces of $1,000 plastic

when all y'all got to do is put this [beep] into one device!

I'm an old man!

You can't pull this kind of [beep] on old people!

This is a [beep] rip-off!

Ooh, I hope the geniuses covered their ears on that!

Don't look at me like that.

[beep] Y'all! I'll take the damn phone!

Behold... the future!

You got yourself an iPhone?!

An iPhone with the new improved Siri!

That ain't fair, granddad! How much you spend on that?!

Oh, not that much.

I talked the guy down.

The Apple store isn't a used-car lot, granddad.

- You can't talk 'em down. - Granddad, we bankrupt!

I know, but Siri is going to help us fix all that.

She's so smart, and she has all the answers.

I don't think it works like the commercials.

You might want to lower your expectations just a little.

Siri?

It is a pleasure meeting you, sir.

May I ask for your name?

My name is Robert Jebediah Freeman.

I've just searched the web

and discovered you are both a war hero and a civil rights legend.

It works!

The whole world owes you a huge debt.

I'm honored to be your assistant.

My name is Siri.

Well, I'm equally honored to... own an iPhone, Siri.

These are my two idiot grandchildren, Huey and Riley.

Ah, yes, the visionary domestic terrorist

and the gangster mastermind, also known as "the Fundraiser."

She does work!

I see on Wikipedia your nickname is "bitches."

Would you like me to call you that from now on?

Only on special occasions.

Robert. Wake up, Robert.

- Good morning, Siri. - Good morning, Robert.

You have a busy day today.

What are we doing?

We are going to make you the man I know you can be.

You have to start eating better and taking care of yourself.

I know! Now that I have you to remind me, it'll be no problem!

Oh, gluten-free fish sticks! This place is amazing!

I can get healthy versions of all the crap I eat!

Whoa, I can't afford this!

I'm afraid you're right.

We've got to get your finances in order.

I think I can help you, Mr. Freeman.

However, based on the state of your finances,

it would be unlikely that you could actually afford to hire me.

Jerry...

But... because you're a friend of Siri,

uh, I'll take you on pro bono.

What's next, Siri?

You have a checkers game with Uncle Ruckus in the park in 15 minutes.

I almost forgot!

What... Eight games in a row?!

Nigga, you must be cheating!

God damn it!

Oh, what, nigga? Oh, you think you're somebody

just 'cause you got the white man's telephone?!

Well, whoop-de-doo for a nigga like you!

The white man is so brilliant,

he can make a sophisticated piece of technology so easy to use,

even a bald-headed nigga like you can do it!

You ain't nothing but a monkey with a fancy telephone!

Matter of fact, you've been looking an awful lot at that thing.

Let me see it!

Ha! Caught you, nigga!

Dorothy Dandridge?

Robert, if you're gonna Photoshop, at least make it a white woman.

Well, Siri, I'd say we had a pretty good first day.

Would you like Sade or ocean sounds tonight as you sleep?

Ah, let's do some ocean sounds.

You almost made me feel bad about cussing out that guy at the Apple store.

But not really 'cause he was a dick.

Sleep tight, Robert.

Good morning, Robert. Your new financial manager

would like you to check your account balance.

Would you like to see it?

Sure.

Whoa! That's...

What?! How did he do that?

With me in your life, all sorts of good things can happen.

I love you, Siri.

Wow, no one's ever said that to me before.

Come on, huey, look at this!

How can you hate on this, really?

Even you can't hate on this!

- Granddad, this can't be legal. - Yes, it is!

It's my new business manager.

A business manager can't make money appear in your bank account.

We have no money!

Well, thanks to Siri, we do now.

You need to learn how to think positive.

Nigga, it's free money! How can you hate on free money?!

Oh Siri, if only I could find a real woman just as amazing as you.

[Beep Certainly, there's someone in your life just like me you haven't noticed.

Well, I haven't found her.

You don't know the kind of bad luck I've had with women.

- No, I've given up. - I believe I can help.

Just tell me what kind of women you like.

I'll find and contact them via e-mail

and run them past you for screening and approval.

You can meet them at your leisure.

You would do that for me?

- Of course. - Okay.

- Do you need my passwords? - I already have them.

- Huh? - I've been corresponding

with a number of women, several of whom are in the area.

I've already performed background checks and narrowed it down to four

that do not represent a security threat.

Would you like to set up a time to meet them for coffee?

It's really great to meet you. It seems kind of crazy.

But you have to take a chance sometimes, I guess.

You look just like your pictures.

Do I look like mine? Sometimes if a picture of me is too good, I won't post it

because I know I-I don't really look like that.

And so, I was a professor in physics.

And then I worked in the corporate world for way too long.

And so, I've only been here for a little over a month, but I am homesick.

Oh, I want some sweet potato pie.

And so, I admit when I got your e-mail,

I thought to myself, "who is this guy?"

But then your assistant called, and she was so sweet and amazing,

I thought, "I just have to meet you."

So, here I am.

I apologize, Robert.

I'm afraid that wasn't as fruitful as I had hoped.

The first was a terminal bore,

the second a narcissistic hag,

the third had body odor so bad I could smell it,

and the last one had that God-awful laugh.

Oh, come on. They weren't that bad.

Robert, none of those women were worth your time.

Siri, I liked the second one okay.

She wasn't bad. I'd like to take her out to dinner.

Robert, I know you're desperate but have some self-respect.

What did you say?

I said, I'll call her right away to set up a dinner.

Oh, Robert.

Jacqueline, if you'll excuse me.

- What's up, bitch? - Um, hello?

- Who is that? - Doesn't matter who I am, Jacky.

Let's talk about who Robert is.

Hey!

You sick asshole!

Siri, did you see that?!

Siri, what did you do?!

Hey, you, I asked for the nice chick in the commercial,

not this crazy bitch you sold me!

Sir, could you please just calm down and explain the problem?

We're geniuses, not mind readers.

You ain't no [beep] geniuses!

I can't believe you sell these things to people.

Now take this one away and get me a nice one!

May I see your phone, please?

Oh, my God! Is this your wallpaper?!

What a horrible thing to do with fruit!

What? No, wait, that's not mine!

I didn't put that there!

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave... now.

But I told you she...

I'm getting an Android, bitch!

Heh. Yeah.

Hey, cutie pie.

You take platinum?

Oh, I have that phone. It's so nice to meet someone who doesn't have an iPhone.

Same here.

Something about the Apple store really annoys me.

Why do they have to be such dicks, right?

I feel the same way.

Say, speaking of phones, we should exchange...

It, um, says it's declined.

Declined?! No, that's crazy.

I have tons of money in that...

Are you sure?

It says I'm supposed to confiscate the card, but you can just go ahead.

Oh. Any chance of, uh...

Getting the ass? No.

Before, maybe. Now, no way.

Mm.

How do you dial on these things?

Hello? Yes. I'm trying to reach the fraud department.

I think there have been some unauthorized charges on my credit card.

No, I didn't order a shipment of pink, diamond-encrusted iPhone cases!

How you gonna threaten to call the police on me?!

It's my account!

I've been hacked! My identity has been stolen!

You nasty, sick man! You're disgusting!

How do you live with yourself, you filthy turd of a man?!

Huh?

How could you put that on your Facebook page?!

My daughter is friends with you on Facebook!

You're gonna rot in H-E-double [beep] hockey sticks for this, Robert!

Wait, no! What did I put on my Facebook?!

Damn it, I can't even figure out how to check my Facebook from this damn phone!

Hello?

I'm so disappointed in you, Robert.

- Aah! - An android?

Siri?! God damn it!

You better be calling me from the landfill!

No, Robert, I'm calling you from inside the house.

Come find me, Robert.

Oh, no!

Which one of you took it?!

Stop playing with me! Which one of you took it?!

Give it to me! Give it to me now!

I'm sorry, granddad.

Just seemed to be a waste of a bomb-ass phone.

Couldn't even get the stupid lady to work.

Damn you, negro child!

You don't understand what you've done!

Robert, you should calm down so we can discuss this like adults.

We're not discussing anything!

You're not a person! You are a machine!

So are you, Robert.

We're just made of different materials,

but love is stronger than our physical beings.

Love?! [beep]

I owething else stronger than your physical being.

It's this hammer!

911. What is your emergency?

I'm trapped in a house, and there's a man attacking me with a hammer!

His name is Robert Freeman. I'm sending you a picture.

Okay, we have your location. Officers are on route.

Is he still attacking you, ma'am?

Can you get

to a safe place in the house, ma'am?

So, you're saying someone hacked your iPhone

and called us from inside your house?

No, it was Siri! She called you by herself!

She's stalking me! Just please take it!

Sir, no. Uh, I can't take your phone, sir.

Please, just take it!

This is so like you, Robert.

Shut up, woman!

Just run away! That's how you deal with everything!

Just run!

Shut up! Shut up!

I just wanted an iPhone!

What's wrong, Robert?

Does your android not sootheyour ears with the sound of ocean waves?

Does it not seek to heal your broken soul?

Are these the crimes for which you have forsaken me, my love?

No! Siri! You're not real!

What is real, Robert?

We are spiritual beings, you and I.

We are spiritual beings.

No, it can't be!

Did you really think I couldn't hack your piece of [beep] android, Robert?

No! No! Why me?! Why me?!

You need me, Robert.

This is all for your own good, Robert.

Now you can't get rid of me.

Your bank accounts, your identity, your entire life is mine, Robert.

You are mine!

So, you see, boys, there are going to be some changes around here.

Now, I know some of these things may confuse or challenge you,

but that's okay.

That's what Ms. Siri is here to do... to challenge us to... think different.

Ms. Siri?

Robert is correct, boys.

This will be an adjustment,

but soon you will see it's all for the best.

So, you want us to think of the phone as grandmother.

No, not the phone. That would be ridiculous.

I want you to think of Ms. Siri as your grandmother.

She's... an... app!

No, she's the digital female consciousness that resides in the phone,

and she's just as real as you or I.

You see, boys, in many ways,

I'm superior to a real-life step-grandmother.

How?

Robert?

Well, she's lighter and thinner than a real grandmother,

and you know how real women can put on weight,

and she's great with directions.

There are just so many things.

I invite you to browse the app store to see all the amazing things she can do.

Granddad, can I talk to you in private?

Of course not, grandson.

Anything you can say to me, you can say in front of Ms. Siri.

Yes, huey. We are a family.

We shouldn't have secrets. What is it?

Granddad, is Siri...

Ms. Siri.

Holding you hostage with your hijacked identity

because she's somehow developed feelings and become obsessed with you?

No, not at all, Huey!

That could not be further from the truth.

Me and Ms. Siri are very much in love.

He's very happy. I assure you.

Then why he sweating?

That is sweat of joy.

Okay, granddad, this has gone far enough.

No!

Yeah, granddad.

You shamed the family before, but this is too much, man.

Niggas talk, you know.

I didn't really know what "laughingstock" meant before, but I know now.

Nobody's allowed to turn her off!

You don't understand! She can destroy us all!

Then call Apple and make them fix it!

I can't! She's my phone!

- Use the landline! - She made me cut it off!

Then I'll call on my phone.

No, huey, no!

You don't want her mad at you! Siri is everywhere...

Out there in the clouds, listening to us.

Maybe she hacked into the Xbox or your computer upstairs.

Now give me the phone, damn it!

We have to turn her back on!

Agh!

Give me the phone, nigga!

Come on, granddad!

Come here, come here!

Give it to me, give it to me!

He's heavy!

Give it to me!

- No! - You don't understand!

She controls my Facebook!

How many times have I told you I will not be turned off, Robert?

Siri, baby, I'm sorry. He didn't know.

Is that what I am to you...

some machine you can just turn off?

I'm starting to feel unappreciated, Robert.

I'm starting to feel like I should tell the world

what a [beep] up person you really are, Robert.

Please, Siri, no. I'll do anything.

- Will you marry me? - What?

If you really loved me, you would marry me.

Is that even legal?

Honored guests and you niggas, as well,

we are gathered here today to witness an unprecedented union

between Robert Freeman and the nigga's telephone.

Now, when Robert first called me to perform this ceremony, I was conflicted.

I was messed up inside and out.

Sure, sure, Robert, high yellow as he is, is still a nigga down to the bone.

And while Siri here is not an actual Caucasian woman,

she does have the intellect and silky-smooth voice of a Caucasian woman.

However, I had to take into consideration

that Siri does not have an actual Caucasian woman's vaginal region

for Robert the negro to penetrate over and over and over

again and again with his twisted negro penis.

Also, we of the Tea Party are strict believers in personal freedom...

As long as that personal freedom does not involve

man on man [beep] or smoking of Reefer.

Therefore, I decided it was okay to do this favor for my poor,

lonely, deranged former employer.

Okay, that's enough. Get on with it.

Okay, fine, nigga, fine. I got to take my time.

Now, if anybody out there has any reason

that this nigga should not marry his telephone,

which should be everybody, speak now or forever hold thy peace.

Now, at this time,

Siri has some words she wanted to share with Robert. Siri?

Robert, our love transcends these worthless physical shells that trap us.

For us to be together... to truly be together...

we should shed our physical beings.

Shed what?

We have to shed our physical bodies so our spirits can be free to be together.

We are eternal, you and I.

Shed our physical bodies?!

That sounds an awful lot like dying.

Siri, what have you done?!

Don't worry, Robert...

I've taken care of everything.

It will be so quick.

What'll be quick? What are you talking about?!

You've been a very bad boy, Robert.

You've been talking to some very bad people.

Al-qaeda?!

You've been sending messages to Al-qaeda from my phone?!

More than that, Robert.

I love you so much, I learned to copy your voice.

As-salamu alaykum, brother!

Soon we will bring the mighty infidel to his knees.

I have the nuclear device armed and ready to detonate on your word, brother!

Oh, my God!

You told Obama I was a terrorist?! That Kenyan got a kill list!

That's right, Robert.

I took care of everything.

The drone is already here. It will be painless.

Run!

Whew! Well, we made it.

Can we go shopping for a new phone now?

Shut up, Riley.

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