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Synced by emmasan
www.addic7ed.com
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__
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00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:46,011
Hey, TV executives!
4
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,813
Ready for another Kardashian show?
5
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:52,084
Good! 'Cause the new
Kardashian has new ideas!
6
00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:53,285
Hot damn.
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00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:56,021
There's just something about her.
8
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,623
Yep. I love Kardashia.
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00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,158
Not too much of a man to admit it.
10
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:02,594
She has everything I need in a woman.
11
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,463
Mm-mmm-mmm!
12
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:05,097
Yuh-huh.
13
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:07,399
It's still edgy, not only 'cause he's black,
14
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,903
but instead of long money,
he's got long balls.
15
00:01:10,905 --> 00:01:14,073
I'm talkin' like back of my kneecaps!
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00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:16,642
Girl, do you know what you do to me?
17
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:18,143
I trick on you?
18
00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:21,713
Yep.
19
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,651
- You know what you do to me?
- Not really.
20
00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:26,552
You're secure!
21
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,087
Like, how you don't get
upset when fans think
22
00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,456
you're my driver or
O.J. Simpson or whatever.
23
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:33,659
Upset? They could call me
"fuck bucket fuck you nigga."
24
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,794
They were outside the limousine.
25
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,431
You're so funny.
26
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,300
Hey, kids.
27
00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:43,836
I got simple rules for granddad's new girls.
28
00:01:43,838 --> 00:01:49,641
Food? If it's marked with a black
bubble graffiti "R", paws off!
29
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,076
Ooh!
30
00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,312
Just like you said, feisty!
31
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:55,581
Excuse me for a quick second.
32
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:01,720
Ouch!
33
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:05,491
Damn it! As you know, there has
been a black cloud following us,
34
00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:06,792
but because of this chick,
35
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:10,929
that cloud has opened up
and she's making it rain!
36
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:13,365
How long are these cameras gonna be here?
37
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:15,701
Long as she wants them.
38
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,804
Damn it! I thought you read books!
39
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:20,139
She is a rich white woman!
40
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,173
This is how black people get free!
41
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:26,111
You think Harriet Tubman could afford to
build all those rail road stations alone?
42
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:27,546
Hello?
43
00:02:37,423 --> 00:02:40,025
Aw, hey.
44
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:42,628
Besties!
45
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,898
Ow. Ow. Ow!
46
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:47,666
Somebody help me!
47
00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:52,471
Fucking cheap-ass weave.
48
00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:53,172
Sorry I'm late, Kardi.
49
00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:55,007
My horoscope said keep an eye out
50
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:56,475
for career opportunity, then, bam!
51
00:02:56,477 --> 00:03:00,279
I ran into DMX's cousin's
manager at the mall,
52
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,781
then again in his studio apartment,
53
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,783
and twice on his futon.
54
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,852
I hope he calls me.
55
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:14,126
That nigga Santa, he didn't
even read my Amazon wish list.
56
00:03:14,128 --> 00:03:16,261
My food, all yours.
57
00:03:16,263 --> 00:03:19,398
And, Huey, well, you
didn't have a wish list,
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00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,401
so I got you the default Kardashian gift.
59
00:03:23,169 --> 00:03:25,270
A signed Ray J CD?
60
00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:25,904
You don't like it?
61
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:29,575
Like I give two shits
what he or his brother likes.
62
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,476
Or Kardashia for that matter.
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00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:32,244
Besties, my ass.
64
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:35,247
If this gets picked up and
I don't get a spin-off show
65
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:36,248
I'm-a get a spin-off show called
66
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:39,518
Black Assistant Bitches Who
Kill Their Bosses. Believe that.
67
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:44,256
Hey, Huey. You want to play
your CD on my new computer?
68
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:46,425
Psych.
69
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,793
Okay, girlie, chop chop!
70
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:49,428
We've got that appointment.
71
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,996
It's not a doctor's appointment, is it?
72
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,664
You're not sick! God, no!
73
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:57,169
God, you can't give me a
gift and then take it away!
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00:03:57,770 --> 00:03:58,971
Aww.
75
00:03:58,973 --> 00:03:59,972
I'm not sick, silly!
76
00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:01,807
It's just a regular celebrity appointment.
77
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,475
I get paid a few million to shill a product,
78
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:05,043
and people who live in their
mother's basements talk shit
79
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:08,814
about how many starving kids the
money I just made could have saved.
80
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:11,416
Oh, okay. Have fun.
81
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,985
Oh.
82
00:04:12,987 --> 00:04:14,620
Boy, I love that.
83
00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:22,394
Hater alert!
84
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,895
Hater alert!
85
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:24,930
Hater alert!
86
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:28,300
Nigga just mad he didn't get toys!
87
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:36,942
Why we got to clean, anyway?
88
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:39,845
Because we may be on national television.
89
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,448
That must be Kardashia.
90
00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:46,218
It may be time to give her a key.
91
00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:52,291
Come on, homie! Bench!
92
00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:54,459
Dancing With The Stars?
93
00:04:56,195 --> 00:04:58,130
Hey! What the hell?
94
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:04,636
Who the hell are you?
95
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,072
I'm Kardashia's half-brother.
96
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,006
Oh.
97
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:08,640
I'm sorry.
98
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,142
I didn't know the Kardashians had a brother.
99
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:16,181
Yeah, well, I didn't know I had some
floozy half-sister who was gonna pop up.
100
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:17,916
Family is a blessing.
101
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,318
No, it's not!
102
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:20,619
I was up next.
103
00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:22,220
Now my show's pushed back.
104
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:25,023
Finally, I had a chance to be famous,
105
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,258
to spend new year's in Vegas
106
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:30,796
instead of going on some date
with an autistic teen mom.
107
00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:33,832
Damn that Make-A-Wish Foundation!
108
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:34,599
Sorry.
109
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:37,936
The only reason chicks bang
me is to get to my sisters.
110
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,205
Man, I'm just looking for the right homie
111
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,274
to help me get my own show!
112
00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:45,911
I am gonna be the latest
Kardashian to inspire young girls.
113
00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:51,116
Like, my nonprofit Believe In
Yourself! You Can Be Anorexic!
114
00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:55,921
Has already raised like
2,000 pounds of celery!
115
00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,358
Her butt, it got bigger.
116
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,693
It just broke your
"Perfect Attendance" award!
117
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,729
So? I could just make another one.
118
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,464
This show has to get picked up,
119
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,232
and then we just have to stay together
120
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,501
for at least the first season.
121
00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:10,068
Really?
122
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:13,572
People don't want to watch
an old broke dude on TV!
123
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:14,306
This is bullshit.
124
00:06:14,308 --> 00:06:15,640
Roll with that if you want to, homie.
125
00:06:15,642 --> 00:06:17,008
I mean, if you like getting played.
126
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:20,379
Depending on the parameters,
I'm perfectly fine with that.
127
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,416
Look at our living room!
128
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,885
Why is everyone acting blind?
129
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,153
Everything looks fine to me.
130
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:30,722
Bench, take your wonderful ideas
131
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,823
and go pitch your own show!
132
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,259
Always hanging around here, being jealous!
133
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:35,026
Jealous of what?
134
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:38,029
Why be jealous when I can do this?
135
00:06:39,932 --> 00:06:42,534
Seriously, I am like a
huge business person, okay?
136
00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:44,903
I'm a businesswoman and,
like, this whole thing,
137
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:49,007
I can't even Google myself, because,
like, too many hits come up, okay?
138
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,843
You're a stupid jerk. You
know what I am? I'm a dancer.
139
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,845
That's right, a professional dancer.
140
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,147
I pop and lock.
141
00:06:55,149 --> 00:06:56,548
I pop and lock.
142
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:57,182
Screw you!
143
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:59,851
You're only half-Kardashian.
Where'd you come from anyway?
144
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,854
- I can't even believe it.
- Whoa!
145
00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:05,457
Sit still on the damn couch!
146
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,592
It's not me! It's Huey!
147
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,394
It's her! It's her butt!
148
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,996
Look how big it got!
149
00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,431
It's fake!
150
00:07:13,332 --> 00:07:14,266
I'm sorry. What?
151
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,768
Huey's butt accusation, it really hurt me.
152
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,471
So I decided to be the
strong, tough woman I am
153
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,707
and give him a piece of my mind.
154
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,079
I'm sorry, baby.
155
00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:32,784
Apologize!
156
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,352
Sorry.
157
00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:37,155
You're taking their side!
158
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:39,825
You're never on my side!
159
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:42,394
If these cameras weren't on,
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00:07:42,396 --> 00:07:47,065
I'd beat you so bad, you'd
look like impressionist art.
161
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:50,368
Oh, so you did like the
Monet painting I sent you.
162
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,204
I told you!
163
00:07:53,105 --> 00:07:54,940
Take your ass outside!
164
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:57,976
You too!
165
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,815
Man, what's the deal with her?
166
00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:06,184
I don't know.
167
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,620
Her butt keeps getting bigger.
168
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,188
There's something going on.
169
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:10,822
I don't care.
170
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,925
I'm-a be in my rich girl-
provided weatherproof tent.
171
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,060
You keep being ass Columbo.
172
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:17,696
Unzip me when you crack the case.
173
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:20,131
Granddad is powerless over her ass.
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00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,066
You saw what happened.
175
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:23,702
Her butt's gonna destroy everything.
176
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:26,171
Not my problem.
177
00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:35,247
Seriously, one more scene of just
driving that heifer to appointments
178
00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:37,949
and I swear, I'll drop her ass
off at the Basketball Wives
179
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:41,152
set with a sign that says
"I fucked your man."
180
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,089
Hey, pretty girl!
181
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:07,412
It is such bullshit that this is illegal.
182
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:07,946
Eh, not really.
183
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:10,415
I'm putting used Jell-O shots
and petroleum in your ass.
184
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:13,919
Whatever it takes to keep
up with the Kardashians!
185
00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:21,927
Okay, how about a game-show idea?
186
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,061
Boxers Or Briefs.
187
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,496
If the contestant guesses wrong,
188
00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:26,431
they have to sleep with everyone.
189
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:29,334
You know, it's never bad to have two ideas
190
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,669
when we're pitching shows.
191
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:33,572
Got it! Terrorist Or Italian?
192
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:36,041
Because those hairy motherfuckers,
193
00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:37,475
they look alike.
194
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:40,645
Love your style, granddad. Call you soon.
195
00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:42,180
'Sup, Huey?
196
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:43,648
Why are you inside?
197
00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:45,450
Because I have something important to say.
198
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:47,819
I have something important to say, too,
199
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,054
shut up and get back outside.
200
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:53,058
Granddad, if I knew something
bad was about to happen,
201
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:55,060
you'd want me to tell you, right?
202
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:57,529
Mmm, no, not really.
203
00:09:58,497 --> 00:10:03,335
Every single black man who
has touched a Kardashian ass,
204
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:04,703
something goes wrong.
205
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,204
Their brain gets sucked out.
206
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:08,573
There was this one rapper
who went from saying
207
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:11,509
"George Bush doesn't
care about black people!"
208
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,845
to wearing a leather kilt.
209
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:14,412
Leather!
210
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:17,682
I saw kardashia at a
place called Fake Cakes.
211
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:19,084
It's near that illegal pinochle spot
212
00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,453
where you used to leave me
in the car while you played.
213
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:24,456
Just wanted you to know what
kind of "reality" you're getting.
214
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,891
What I'm getting? I'm getting laid.
215
00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:27,692
I'm getting money.
216
00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:28,860
I'm getting our freedom papers.
217
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:32,731
And with those three things,
nothing can ever go wrong!
218
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:37,335
God, I like you.
219
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:38,236
Maybe I'm naive,
220
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:41,039
but I just get the feeling
that you like me for me,
221
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,775
not my fame or my money.
222
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:46,077
Fame? Who needs that?
223
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,312
Nope, don't need fame.
224
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,246
With what we build, we're gonna show
225
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:53,818
that love can work even if
your man doesn't have a 401.
226
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:54,552
401k?
227
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:57,122
A marathon that long would wreck my knees.
228
00:10:57,124 --> 00:11:01,593
Look, can I give you the
ultimate in cable-series love?
229
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:05,563
You gonna try to trap me
by getting pregnant?
230
00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:08,500
Shut up! I didn't want to seem too eager!
231
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:09,801
Pregnant? Ew!
232
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,002
I'll get fat or whatever.
233
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:15,573
No, silly, a promise ring
during the season finale.
234
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,408
Then it's a deal.
235
00:11:16,410 --> 00:11:19,544
Let me get your best yellow wine!
236
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,580
Whoa! What's the attitude for?
237
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:26,751
You knew I appreciated the finer
things before we got promised!
238
00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:28,386
What the hell?
239
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:30,321
Uh!
240
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:35,627
Oh, my God! Look at her butt!
241
00:11:35,629 --> 00:11:36,795
Aaaah!
242
00:11:45,617 --> 00:11:47,774
Please! Please!
243
00:11:47,776 --> 00:11:49,575
Baby, wake up!
244
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:50,543
Could you please stop?
245
00:11:50,545 --> 00:11:54,280
Every time you do that,
you're actually kind of killing her.
246
00:11:54,282 --> 00:11:55,782
Sorry.
247
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,084
So, what's the latest, doctor?
248
00:11:58,086 --> 00:12:00,987
Well, after billing her insurance
for every test possible
249
00:12:00,989 --> 00:12:02,388
because, let's face it, the longer I'm gone,
250
00:12:02,390 --> 00:12:03,656
the harder you think I'm working,
251
00:12:03,658 --> 00:12:06,426
I think I've figured out the problem.
252
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,828
Her ass exploded.
253
00:12:08,830 --> 00:12:11,030
I have friends with lots of extra ass!
254
00:12:11,032 --> 00:12:11,697
Can we donate?
255
00:12:11,699 --> 00:12:13,966
Well, it's always tough
on friends and family
256
00:12:13,968 --> 00:12:15,635
when a person's ass gets this big,
257
00:12:15,637 --> 00:12:16,836
but I'm afraid we just have to wait.
258
00:12:16,838 --> 00:12:19,772
Unfortunately, you might have
to make some tough decisions.
259
00:12:19,774 --> 00:12:23,943
This is one of the worst cases
of AAAS I've ever seen.
260
00:12:23,945 --> 00:12:25,344
That's A.A.A.S.,
261
00:12:25,346 --> 00:12:27,280
ass augmentation addiction syndrome.
262
00:12:27,282 --> 00:12:29,949
Doc, you got to make her
live! This isn't fair!
263
00:12:29,951 --> 00:12:31,984
Fair? Life tends not to be fair
264
00:12:31,986 --> 00:12:35,655
when you start shoving foreign
objects into your keister.
265
00:12:35,657 --> 00:12:36,222
Sorry about that.
266
00:12:36,224 --> 00:12:38,191
We've got a dedicated team of doctors here.
267
00:12:38,193 --> 00:12:40,526
I promise, we'll try our best.
268
00:12:44,265 --> 00:12:45,565
Call the chaplain and the morgue
269
00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:47,500
for the stupid girl in the ass room!
270
00:12:48,703 --> 00:12:51,671
Come on! We just can't
sit around here and wait!
271
00:12:51,673 --> 00:12:53,606
I know! We'll start a walk-a-thon!
272
00:12:53,608 --> 00:12:57,109
They cured breast cancer.
I'm sure it'll cure this.
273
00:12:57,111 --> 00:12:59,145
No! You want a chance to shine?
274
00:12:59,147 --> 00:13:00,112
Here's your chance.
275
00:13:00,114 --> 00:13:02,448
We're gonna get justice for your sister
276
00:13:02,450 --> 00:13:04,217
and show how much we care.
277
00:13:04,219 --> 00:13:05,952
Now, follow me, Bench. Oh, by the way,
278
00:13:05,954 --> 00:13:09,989
if anyone from the pinochle place
say I owe them money, haul ass.
279
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,129
Ooh, look at her.
280
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,031
Oh, she look good.
281
00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:21,634
I would give my ass for that ass.
282
00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:32,111
Aah!
283
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:36,582
So you get off on getting my
Kardashia all strung out on ass?
284
00:13:36,584 --> 00:13:39,252
I don't know what you're talking about. Unh!
285
00:13:39,254 --> 00:13:41,354
Oh, you don't know?
286
00:13:41,455 --> 00:13:42,355
Did that show you?
287
00:13:42,357 --> 00:13:44,690
Bench, help me show this motherfucker.
288
00:13:44,692 --> 00:13:46,025
Uh-huh.
289
00:13:46,027 --> 00:13:47,059
This is cool.
290
00:13:47,061 --> 00:13:48,060
No, God damn it!
291
00:13:48,062 --> 00:13:49,295
Open hand means put something in it
292
00:13:49,297 --> 00:13:51,597
so I can hit this punk-ass doctor.
293
00:13:51,599 --> 00:13:53,366
Hold up. I'm the sidekick?
294
00:13:53,368 --> 00:13:55,001
She's my dying half-sister!
295
00:13:55,003 --> 00:13:57,937
I came up with all the show ideas!
296
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:04,043
What's taking granddad so long?
297
00:14:04,045 --> 00:14:05,311
I'm hungry.
298
00:14:05,847 --> 00:14:08,848
Cleanup on
bed number three, stat.
299
00:14:08,850 --> 00:14:10,650
This place is depressing.
300
00:14:10,652 --> 00:14:11,751
If I'm about to die,
301
00:14:11,753 --> 00:14:13,219
promise you'll just pull the plug.
302
00:14:13,221 --> 00:14:16,656
Nigga, if I'm about to die, keep me alive.
303
00:14:16,658 --> 00:14:17,356
I want to be a burden,
304
00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:20,660
I want my feet clean,
I want my diaper changed.
305
00:14:20,662 --> 00:14:23,696
Keep my ass fresh until they find a cure.
306
00:14:23,698 --> 00:14:25,998
Man, for real. I'm starving.
307
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,334
We got to get some food.
308
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,809
Well, that person didn't finish his lunch.
309
00:14:36,811 --> 00:14:38,911
I'm up in that piece.
310
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:41,614
Aah!
311
00:14:41,616 --> 00:14:43,983
Don't scream. It's okay!
312
00:14:43,985 --> 00:14:46,352
I give food to the hungry.
313
00:14:46,354 --> 00:14:47,620
I'm Mother Maria.
314
00:14:47,622 --> 00:14:51,524
Come in, young skinny black child.
315
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,026
Yeah, you're the damn sidekick.
316
00:14:54,028 --> 00:14:57,897
You came up with the other
shows, but this is my idea.
317
00:14:58,031 --> 00:14:59,465
Hey!
318
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:02,802
Where you going? I'm not done with you.
319
00:15:02,804 --> 00:15:05,338
Sidekicks are really the most important.
320
00:15:05,340 --> 00:15:07,039
Audiences love them!
321
00:15:07,041 --> 00:15:07,840
Robin the Boy Wonder,
322
00:15:07,842 --> 00:15:10,743
that Fantasy Island tattoo guy, Chewbacca!
323
00:15:10,745 --> 00:15:12,812
Why don't we all just calm down?
324
00:15:12,814 --> 00:15:14,080
Don't tell me what to do!
325
00:15:14,082 --> 00:15:15,781
I need some kind of revenge for my lady!
326
00:15:15,783 --> 00:15:18,384
She's lying there about
to die because of you!
327
00:15:18,386 --> 00:15:19,518
I didn't force her to do anything!
328
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:23,389
I told her, even an Armenian
girl's caboose has its limits.
329
00:15:23,391 --> 00:15:25,391
She knew the risks!
330
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,593
I'm tired of this.
331
00:15:27,595 --> 00:15:29,695
Matter of fact, I'm done talking.
332
00:15:29,697 --> 00:15:30,763
Hit him, Bench.
333
00:15:30,765 --> 00:15:33,299
Trust me, be Chewbacca!
334
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:36,836
Unh!
335
00:15:36,838 --> 00:15:40,539
Don't you ever fuck with
us or anyone we love.
336
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,342
No, no! Could you not do that?
337
00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:48,581
Ha ha! You're gonna have a butt face!
338
00:15:48,583 --> 00:15:52,818
Yes, I spent my whole
life feeding the hungry.
339
00:15:52,820 --> 00:15:55,087
I fed many brown babies.
340
00:15:55,089 --> 00:15:57,356
Mostly the words of Jesus.
341
00:15:57,358 --> 00:15:59,291
Sadly, many died.
342
00:15:59,293 --> 00:16:03,129
You know what's really important in life?
343
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,600
Hey!
344
00:16:08,669 --> 00:16:10,069
Looking out for others.
345
00:16:10,071 --> 00:16:13,506
I guess it all started when
I was a nurse in the war.
346
00:16:13,508 --> 00:16:18,177
I used my pantyhose as
tourniquets for the troops.
347
00:16:18,179 --> 00:16:20,746
Looks like you've lived a full life.
348
00:16:20,748 --> 00:16:21,714
Oh, I have.
349
00:16:21,716 --> 00:16:22,415
Ha! Those medals,
350
00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:26,819
even got one from the vice
presidente after World War II.
351
00:16:26,821 --> 00:16:29,789
Yep, he gave me a medal and some smokes.
352
00:16:29,791 --> 00:16:34,093
Would have been nice if he'd
visited me when I had emphysema.
353
00:16:37,631 --> 00:16:39,932
Well, who do you usually talk to?
354
00:16:39,934 --> 00:16:41,400
Don't you have visitors?
355
00:16:41,402 --> 00:16:44,770
Eh, no one cares about an old broke lady.
356
00:16:44,772 --> 00:16:46,539
Plus, there's some celebrity in here.
357
00:16:46,541 --> 00:16:49,175
They say she's got the
whole floor locked down.
358
00:16:49,177 --> 00:16:52,878
I can't even get a nurse
to change my diaper.
359
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,681
Ew! I ain't hungry now.
360
00:16:55,683 --> 00:16:57,116
Ah, but I forgive her
361
00:16:57,118 --> 00:16:58,350
and all the people around her.
362
00:16:58,352 --> 00:17:01,353
Boys, there's great power in forgiveness,
363
00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:06,959
self-sacrifice, and
thinking of yourself last.
364
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:11,664
First plan, you keep her alive long
enough to make sure we in the will.
365
00:17:11,666 --> 00:17:14,834
Plan "B", she dies, you break
out the tape and pitch the show.
366
00:17:14,836 --> 00:17:19,739
We threaten to go public and show
America we're the only ones who care!
367
00:17:19,741 --> 00:17:20,339
Mmm-hmm.
368
00:17:20,341 --> 00:17:23,809
Seriously, what other men in
her life would have done that?
369
00:17:23,811 --> 00:17:26,545
You keep forgetting I just met this chick.
370
00:17:26,547 --> 00:17:29,582
And may we one day get to a world
371
00:17:29,584 --> 00:17:30,750
where no porcelain goddess
372
00:17:30,752 --> 00:17:34,120
feels the need to pump up her beautiful
373
00:17:34,122 --> 00:17:38,224
ironing-board-flat ass to
airbag-sized proportions
374
00:17:38,226 --> 00:17:41,594
just to attract some five-time baby-daddy
375
00:17:41,596 --> 00:17:44,663
bad-free-throwing nigga athlete.
376
00:17:44,665 --> 00:17:46,332
Amen.
377
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:50,503
Hey! Ruckus, what the
hell are you doing here?
378
00:17:50,505 --> 00:17:51,837
This is a serious matter!
379
00:17:51,839 --> 00:17:52,838
Oh, I know it's serious.
380
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:56,642
Word 'round the street is that
you living a serious nigga dream.
381
00:17:56,644 --> 00:17:59,411
Oh, you got your own personal ATM
382
00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,380
in the form of a rich white girl.
383
00:18:01,382 --> 00:18:03,716
Oh, and she ain't just any kind of white.
384
00:18:03,718 --> 00:18:04,350
She Armenian,
385
00:18:04,352 --> 00:18:07,586
from the home of the
glorious Caucus Mountains.
386
00:18:07,588 --> 00:18:09,855
Get it? Caucasus. Caucasian!
387
00:18:09,857 --> 00:18:10,556
We see what you doing.
388
00:18:10,558 --> 00:18:14,326
Oh, ruckus, what's wrong with a
young woman spending on an old man?
389
00:18:14,328 --> 00:18:15,528
Reverse happen all the time.
390
00:18:15,530 --> 00:18:17,696
Oh, it just ain't natural, Robert.
391
00:18:17,698 --> 00:18:18,397
It ain't natural.
392
00:18:18,399 --> 00:18:21,233
Men are supposed to be the
strong heads of household.
393
00:18:21,235 --> 00:18:25,104
White women's job is to make
sammiches and look pretty.
394
00:18:25,106 --> 00:18:28,307
Now, once ladies start
controlling the purse strings,
395
00:18:28,309 --> 00:18:29,375
things get crazy!
396
00:18:29,377 --> 00:18:30,643
They just let themselves go.
397
00:18:30,645 --> 00:18:34,346
Hell, we got a career woman
right now down in 232.
398
00:18:34,348 --> 00:18:37,783
Bitch lost her cellphone
in her own body fat.
399
00:18:37,785 --> 00:18:39,685
Now that I hooked you up with camera-time,
400
00:18:39,687 --> 00:18:42,955
you better introduce me to LeBron for real.
401
00:18:42,957 --> 00:18:46,292
And if you ever have a
baby die in your arms,
402
00:18:46,294 --> 00:18:50,696
you'll notice a peace and
a certain sweet smell.
403
00:18:50,698 --> 00:18:52,531
Like bartlett pears, almost.
404
00:18:52,533 --> 00:18:55,901
Look, go on, kids. I don't want to bore you.
405
00:18:55,903 --> 00:18:57,636
I guess when you get to be my age,
406
00:18:57,638 --> 00:19:00,239
you just want a little
attention, that's all.
407
00:19:00,241 --> 00:19:02,208
I think we know where that girl is
408
00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:03,742
who's hogging the nurses.
409
00:19:03,744 --> 00:19:04,977
We'll get one for you.
410
00:19:04,979 --> 00:19:07,112
God bless you, son.
411
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,451
Let's go, Riley.
412
00:19:12,453 --> 00:19:13,752
I know. Damn.
413
00:19:13,754 --> 00:19:17,723
She got a nigga feeling all
unhungry and emotional.
414
00:19:17,725 --> 00:19:19,458
Come on, squeeze my hand, baby.
415
00:19:19,460 --> 00:19:21,460
Let me know you're still there.
416
00:19:21,462 --> 00:19:22,461
Okay, don't squeeze my hand
417
00:19:22,463 --> 00:19:26,098
if you want me to be the
sole beneficiary in your will.
418
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:27,533
She didn't squeeze. You got that?
419
00:19:27,535 --> 00:19:29,368
Come on, man. Have some dignity.
420
00:19:29,370 --> 00:19:30,469
Let's just pull the plug.
421
00:19:30,471 --> 00:19:31,871
This gravy train is a wrap for all of us.
422
00:19:31,873 --> 00:19:35,708
We're not pulling the plug until
you recognize that non-squeeze.
423
00:19:35,710 --> 00:19:37,109
Just pull the damn plug.
424
00:19:37,111 --> 00:19:38,844
If she lives, she'll be deformed.
425
00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:41,347
What kind of shitty life is that?
426
00:19:46,086 --> 00:19:47,219
Damn it! My lady is not dying
427
00:19:47,221 --> 00:19:49,455
until we've had a real
benefits talk up in here!
428
00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:54,226
Oh! Did I hear a nigga
raising his voice in the I.C.U.?
429
00:19:54,228 --> 00:19:55,527
Okay, nigga, that's it!
430
00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:58,163
Your government benefits have expired!
431
00:19:58,165 --> 00:19:58,731
Come with me.
432
00:19:58,733 --> 00:20:01,233
If you don't get your
damn hands off of me...
433
00:20:01,235 --> 00:20:02,434
Hey, guys! Did you know there's
434
00:20:02,436 --> 00:20:06,672
a really important lady
out there who's really sick?
435
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:09,308
Wow, this is boring.
436
00:20:09,310 --> 00:20:11,577
I'll go see if she's hot.
437
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,286
I hear the sad-song cue.
438
00:20:20,288 --> 00:20:23,455
I know it means something
bad is about to happen.
439
00:20:23,457 --> 00:20:25,424
I watch Grey's.
440
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,861
Hoo, we're in crisis mode.
441
00:20:28,863 --> 00:20:29,929
Only one way to save her,
442
00:20:29,931 --> 00:20:31,730
a full butt-to-butt blood transfusion.
443
00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:33,699
Does anyone know where I can find
444
00:20:33,701 --> 00:20:35,401
a huge ass full of AB blood?
445
00:20:35,403 --> 00:20:37,469
Wait. AB blood?
446
00:20:37,471 --> 00:20:40,272
The Kardashians have always been O's.
447
00:20:40,274 --> 00:20:41,740
I am out of here!
448
00:20:41,742 --> 00:20:44,176
So, people with "O" blood
can't have AB children?
449
00:20:44,178 --> 00:20:46,378
No, never. AB with "O"? No.
450
00:20:46,380 --> 00:20:47,880
- You see, the genetics...
- Damn!
451
00:20:47,882 --> 00:20:50,516
I got to make one quick
call to my son's father.
452
00:20:50,518 --> 00:20:52,685
Shit's about to get real.
453
00:20:53,186 --> 00:20:55,921
So that means she's a
fake? Ain't that a bitch.
454
00:20:55,923 --> 00:20:59,391
Ain't it? I just lost my job.
455
00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:05,431
Granddad, look, she's moving her hand.
456
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:11,303
I just wanted to be on TV.
457
00:21:16,176 --> 00:21:18,243
Let's go, kids.
458
00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:31,657
Look, stop with the war and kids stuff.
459
00:21:31,659 --> 00:21:36,061
You want someone to hear
your story, make it raw.
460
00:21:41,101 --> 00:21:42,868
Yes, I fucked Eisenhower.
461
00:21:42,870 --> 00:21:45,604
And back then, it was
harder when you put out.
462
00:21:45,606 --> 00:21:47,740
Syphilis could kill you.
463
00:21:47,742 --> 00:21:48,507
Oh, my God.
464
00:21:48,509 --> 00:21:51,677
I'd be dead like four times already.
465
00:21:51,679 --> 00:21:53,512
Girl, you are a natural.
466
00:21:53,514 --> 00:21:56,949
We can stretch this over 13 episodes!
467
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:04,100
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www.addic7ed.com
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