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1
00:00:02,957 --> 00:00:04,076
Calling all blonds.
2
00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:06,395
Calling all blonds.
3
00:00:06,565 --> 00:00:08,127
HILDA:
We read you, obnoxious cat.
4
00:00:08,288 --> 00:00:10,762
- Notice anything different?
- You threw up on the sofa?
5
00:00:10,933 --> 00:00:13,852
I said "different."
It's the clock on the VCR.
6
00:00:14,020 --> 00:00:17,464
I programmed it.
It's not blinking 12 anymore.
7
00:00:17,627 --> 00:00:18,858
Isn't that great?
8
00:00:19,030 --> 00:00:21,709
Yeah, that's what I'd call it
if I were being sarcastic.
9
00:00:21,876 --> 00:00:23,711
I didn't know we had
a clock on the VCR.
10
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:26,319
We could have fixed it ourselves
if we wanted to.
11
00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:27,682
We're witches.
12
00:00:27,848 --> 00:00:30,448
You dames are just bitter
because I'm the man of the house,
13
00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:32,654
and I know how to do
the manly stuff.
14
00:00:32,818 --> 00:00:35,622
Well, you certainly have
the scratching-yourself part down.
15
00:00:35,784 --> 00:00:40,150
If you really want to impress us,
programme this.
16
00:00:42,317 --> 00:00:44,233
I didn't know we had a clock
on our scoreboard.
17
00:01:03,078 --> 00:01:05,918
We cooked up a great show
for you tonight.
18
00:01:12,618 --> 00:01:16,414
You know, fixing that VCR
got my testosterone pumping.
19
00:01:16,586 --> 00:01:19,106
Mr. Can-Opener,
meet your worst nightmare:
20
00:01:19,271 --> 00:01:20,994
Mr. Screwdriver.
21
00:01:21,155 --> 00:01:22,147
[BELL RINGS]
22
00:01:22,317 --> 00:01:23,720
I'll get it.
23
00:01:25,123 --> 00:01:26,400
You know, in most homes,
24
00:01:26,566 --> 00:01:28,527
the mail comes
in little white envelopes.
25
00:01:28,690 --> 00:01:29,922
It's from your cousin Mortimer.
26
00:01:30,534 --> 00:01:32,689
He's coming to help you discover
the family secret.
27
00:01:32,858 --> 00:01:35,253
Sabrina, I should warn you.
28
00:01:35,424 --> 00:01:38,103
Your cousin Mortimer is a wigician.
29
00:01:38,269 --> 00:01:39,307
A wigician?
30
00:01:39,472 --> 00:01:41,946
- A witch who works as a magician.
- How cool.
31
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,366
I mean, how unspeakably tragic.
32
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:50,211
He was so gifted.
He could have done so much.
33
00:01:50,374 --> 00:01:52,415
Instead he chose
to squander his talents
34
00:01:52,578 --> 00:01:54,494
entertaining gullible mortals.
35
00:01:54,662 --> 00:01:57,661
And the worst part is,
he's not even good at it.
36
00:02:01,196 --> 00:02:02,872
[WHEEZING AND COUGHING]
37
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:04,031
Ta-da.
38
00:02:04,202 --> 00:02:05,433
That's magician for "I'm here."
39
00:02:05,604 --> 00:02:06,596
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
40
00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:09,127
Oh, no, please, you're too kind,
ha, ha, ha.
41
00:02:09,332 --> 00:02:12,217
- This must be Sabrina.
- Okay, enough small talk.
42
00:02:12,378 --> 00:02:14,419
Discuss the family secret
and let him be on his way.
43
00:02:14,582 --> 00:02:17,501
He's a very busy man,
and this is cruise season, after all.
44
00:02:17,669 --> 00:02:18,661
No, there's no rush.
45
00:02:18,831 --> 00:02:22,275
I've got a gig tomorrow night
at the Westbridge Y
46
00:02:22,438 --> 00:02:26,201
and you're all comped,
if you don't mind eating family style.
47
00:02:26,366 --> 00:02:27,723
- Well--
- Before you say anything,
48
00:02:27,889 --> 00:02:29,292
I'm wanna show you my new closer.
49
00:02:29,452 --> 00:02:31,254
Nothing up here, nothing up here,
50
00:02:31,416 --> 00:02:33,332
nothing up here,
but what have we here?
51
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,701
Aha, and, oh, look at this.
52
00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:37,906
I knew it was coming
and yet I'm still delighted.
53
00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:41,148
Ha, ha, and a pickle.
54
00:02:41,316 --> 00:02:43,198
A nickel.
It's supposed to be a nickel.
55
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:47,282
Oh, that's wrong. I-- It's a new trick.
56
00:02:50,775 --> 00:02:53,011
Hey, you guys wanna go to the Slicery
after school today?
57
00:02:53,180 --> 00:02:55,461
We're only 200 pizzas
away from a free soda.
58
00:02:55,625 --> 00:02:59,069
I can't. My dad's out of town
and I have to watch my little brother.
59
00:02:59,232 --> 00:03:03,998
- What about your mom? Is she sick?
- Very. She's...pregnant.
60
00:03:04,924 --> 00:03:06,520
Pregnant?
61
00:03:07,329 --> 00:03:10,054
Congratulations, I guess.
62
00:03:10,214 --> 00:03:13,019
- You mean your parents still--?
- Valerie, we're trying to eat here.
63
00:03:13,180 --> 00:03:16,419
- I just thought at their advanced age--
- Yeah, yeah, I know. I know.
64
00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:18,709
I can't get the image out of my mind.
65
00:03:18,872 --> 00:03:19,864
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
66
00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:21,026
All right, Westbridge.
67
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:25,399
[CHANTING] Westbridge,
Westbridge, you're the tops.
68
00:03:25,565 --> 00:03:28,564
Wring Eastbridge dry
like grungy old mops.
69
00:03:28,732 --> 00:03:30,135
[SCREAMING]
70
00:03:30,295 --> 00:03:31,971
Tops, mops?
71
00:03:32,139 --> 00:03:34,020
Someone's been reading
Moli?re again.
72
00:03:34,183 --> 00:03:35,414
I have an announcement.
73
00:03:35,586 --> 00:03:38,311
There are a few spots open on the
second-string cheerleading squad.
74
00:03:38,471 --> 00:03:39,954
[CROWD CHATTERING]
75
00:03:40,075 --> 00:03:43,392
I know. We haven't had
an opening in years.
76
00:03:43,562 --> 00:03:47,484
Not since the time Charlene Snyder
developed that puzzling skin condition.
77
00:03:49,213 --> 00:03:50,855
One zit and krrk.
78
00:03:51,017 --> 00:03:56,307
So if you think you're better
than everyone, sign up for tryouts.
79
00:03:57,550 --> 00:04:00,195
Hey, Libby,
you looked great out there.
80
00:04:00,355 --> 00:04:01,998
Take your seat.
81
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,396
You know, I think I wanna
try out for cheerleading.
82
00:04:04,564 --> 00:04:06,845
Oh, no.
You ate your beef stroganoff too fast
83
00:04:07,009 --> 00:04:09,324
and now your brain
stopped functioning.
84
00:04:09,494 --> 00:04:12,572
We better say this while you can
still comprehend it: We all love you.
85
00:04:13,702 --> 00:04:15,538
What is wrong
with wanting to be a cheerleader?
86
00:04:15,706 --> 00:04:17,542
Oh, no, we've lost her.
87
00:04:17,710 --> 00:04:20,515
It's eerie.
It looks like she's still with us.
88
00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:23,435
Hm, uh-huh.
89
00:04:23,602 --> 00:04:24,834
I can dismantle this.
90
00:04:25,005 --> 00:04:28,642
All I have to do is spin my head around
about 33 times.
91
00:04:30,616 --> 00:04:33,741
Or smash it on the floor.
92
00:04:34,985 --> 00:04:36,581
I can't see what you're doing.
93
00:04:36,749 --> 00:04:39,063
Oh, thanks so much
for helping me rehearse.
94
00:04:39,234 --> 00:04:40,876
This is not supposed to hurt at all.
95
00:04:41,037 --> 00:04:43,033
If you feel anything,
please speak up.
96
00:04:43,202 --> 00:04:45,084
- Oh.
- I felt that.
97
00:04:45,246 --> 00:04:47,446
Oh, I buy these in bulk.
98
00:04:47,611 --> 00:04:50,051
I'm gonna get another blade.
Listen, in the meantime,
99
00:04:50,216 --> 00:04:53,614
would you be good enough
to just sign this release?
100
00:04:54,344 --> 00:04:56,067
It doesn't say anything
about dismemberment,
101
00:04:56,228 --> 00:04:57,459
mutilation, internal--
102
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,148
Stop it.
103
00:04:59,394 --> 00:05:02,438
Oh, I'm glad you guys are home.
I'm really worried about Valerie.
104
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:04,243
She's fallen in with a bad crowd.
105
00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:06,446
- Trekkies?
- No, worse.
106
00:05:06,609 --> 00:05:08,285
She's trying to become
a cheerleader.
107
00:05:08,453 --> 00:05:10,813
What's wrong with that?
At least you get to stand up.
108
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,053
It's a known fact that cheerleaders
sleep upside down
109
00:05:13,222 --> 00:05:14,784
from rafters of old barns.
110
00:05:14,946 --> 00:05:17,146
Oh, honey, if Valerie
wants to be a cheerleader,
111
00:05:17,310 --> 00:05:18,747
you have to let her.
112
00:05:18,914 --> 00:05:20,875
What's the harm
if it makes her happy?
113
00:05:21,038 --> 00:05:23,273
I'm not even gonna dignify that
with a response.
114
00:05:24,645 --> 00:05:27,530
Let me guess. This is not a good time
to ask you about the family secret?
115
00:05:27,691 --> 00:05:30,256
This is a critical time. I have to
concentrate on what I'm doing.
116
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,492
Don't you understand? Pbbt.
117
00:05:32,862 --> 00:05:33,854
What was I doing?
118
00:05:34,024 --> 00:05:36,260
Na-ha-ha. Got it.
119
00:05:36,429 --> 00:05:37,421
[GRUNTING]
120
00:05:37,832 --> 00:05:38,984
Wow!
121
00:05:39,154 --> 00:05:41,435
It worked. It never did that before.
122
00:05:41,599 --> 00:05:43,721
My legs.
123
00:05:43,964 --> 00:05:46,245
Oh, I better go get them.
124
00:05:46,649 --> 00:05:48,326
I think I left the back door open.
125
00:05:48,493 --> 00:05:50,694
Usually it's the audience
that walks out.
126
00:05:51,459 --> 00:05:54,059
- Hello?
- Anyway, back to Valerie.
127
00:05:59,435 --> 00:06:00,667
No!
128
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:02,712
What are you doing?
129
00:06:02,882 --> 00:06:04,923
Friends don't let friends
become cheerleaders.
130
00:06:05,327 --> 00:06:08,451
Look, I've thought about what you said,
but I still wanna be a cheerleader.
131
00:06:08,614 --> 00:06:10,131
I've always wanted
to be a cheerleader.
132
00:06:10,297 --> 00:06:12,498
- It just seems like fun.
- But why, Valerie?
133
00:06:12,662 --> 00:06:14,897
I mean, you're so smart.
You could do so much more.
134
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:17,188
You could be on the Chess Club
or the Astronomy Club
135
00:06:17,351 --> 00:06:18,343
or the debate team.
136
00:06:18,514 --> 00:06:20,270
Maybe I just wanna be
a cheerleader.
137
00:06:20,438 --> 00:06:22,114
Look, you're gonna
have to accept it, okay?
138
00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:23,604
I'm going to try out.
139
00:06:24,245 --> 00:06:26,765
No president
has ever been a cheerleader.
140
00:06:27,211 --> 00:06:29,332
- Hey, Sabrina.
- You okay?
141
00:06:29,496 --> 00:06:32,221
This pregnancy
is really taking its toll on me.
142
00:06:32,382 --> 00:06:33,784
I was driving around half the night
143
00:06:33,945 --> 00:06:36,259
looking for the right breast cream
for my mom.
144
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,825
Okay, the less we talk
about that subject the better.
145
00:06:38,995 --> 00:06:40,512
You know,
this whole cheerleading thing
146
00:06:40,678 --> 00:06:43,073
is really making me feel like
I don't know Valerie anymore.
147
00:06:43,243 --> 00:06:45,239
I don't see what the harm is
if it makes her happy.
148
00:06:45,408 --> 00:06:47,209
Everybody wants Valerie
to be happy.
149
00:06:47,372 --> 00:06:49,572
Am I the only one
who cares about her?
150
00:06:49,737 --> 00:06:51,733
[SALEM
HUMMING AND WHISTLING]
151
00:06:52,382 --> 00:06:53,374
Oh.
152
00:06:53,544 --> 00:06:55,700
So that's why there's been
a busy signal the last hour.
153
00:06:55,869 --> 00:06:57,944
- I've been trying to call my aunts.
- When I'm done,
154
00:06:58,113 --> 00:07:00,553
you'll be able to call anyone,
any time you want.
155
00:07:01,039 --> 00:07:03,354
You mean like we already do?
156
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:07,766
Yes, but my way shocks you
when you hit the seven.
157
00:07:08,534 --> 00:07:10,017
Oh, what perfect timing.
158
00:07:10,178 --> 00:07:11,581
Now you can ask me
anything you want
159
00:07:11,741 --> 00:07:13,018
about the family secrets.
160
00:07:13,184 --> 00:07:15,624
No question too big,
no question too small.
161
00:07:15,789 --> 00:07:16,861
Ask me anything you want.
162
00:07:17,031 --> 00:07:19,267
I know everything there is to know
about this family.
163
00:07:19,436 --> 00:07:21,511
Well, I'd really like
to talk about Valerie.
164
00:07:21,681 --> 00:07:22,833
Never heard of her.
165
00:07:23,364 --> 00:07:25,884
Well, she's my best friend
and she wants to be a cheerleader,
166
00:07:26,050 --> 00:07:28,570
and somehow I've gotta convince her
that she's making a mistake.
167
00:07:28,735 --> 00:07:32,453
Ah, then here's what you need.
This will help.
168
00:07:32,623 --> 00:07:35,143
[GROANING]
169
00:07:36,110 --> 00:07:38,071
A penny? I don't think
Valerie's into bribes.
170
00:07:38,234 --> 00:07:40,435
No, that's not just a penny.
171
00:07:40,599 --> 00:07:43,244
With this penny you can look
right into her mind.
172
00:07:43,405 --> 00:07:45,765
You can tell what she's thinking.
173
00:07:45,930 --> 00:07:48,290
I already know what she's thinking
and it all rhymes.
174
00:07:48,455 --> 00:07:52,343
With this, you can manipulate
her thoughts, ha, ha.
175
00:07:52,583 --> 00:07:54,898
- Where'd you get such a cool trick?
- That was given to me
176
00:07:55,068 --> 00:07:56,505
by the great Harry Houdini.
177
00:07:56,671 --> 00:08:00,149
All I had to do was promise
never to talk to him again.
178
00:08:01,721 --> 00:08:03,717
[SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]
179
00:08:05,168 --> 00:08:09,615
Val, hi. I'm really sorry about yesterday.
I shouldn't have tried to influence you.
180
00:08:09,778 --> 00:08:11,978
I understand. You only did it
because you care about me.
181
00:08:12,142 --> 00:08:14,582
Exactly. So here.
182
00:08:14,748 --> 00:08:18,431
Sabrina, you can't buy my friendship.
Especially for a penny.
183
00:08:18,595 --> 00:08:21,800
No. I learned a magic trick. Look.
184
00:08:24,247 --> 00:08:27,725
- See? Disappeared.
- And you put down cheerleading?
185
00:08:27,894 --> 00:08:28,966
Good luck.
186
00:08:33,505 --> 00:08:36,630
Valerie, this is for your own good.
187
00:08:43,005 --> 00:08:46,129
SABRINA: So this is what Valerie
thinks it'll be like to be a cheerleader?
188
00:08:46,291 --> 00:08:48,252
I'll show her.
189
00:08:50,019 --> 00:08:51,011
[VALERIE GIGGLING]
190
00:08:51,181 --> 00:08:53,417
Now, this is more like it.
191
00:09:00,319 --> 00:09:04,207
[CHANTING]
Green and white. Hey, beat that team.
192
00:09:04,488 --> 00:09:06,324
SABRINA: What is this,
a United Way commercial?
193
00:09:06,492 --> 00:09:08,328
Give me a break.
194
00:09:08,496 --> 00:09:09,693
GIRLS:
Green and white.
195
00:09:09,859 --> 00:09:11,615
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
196
00:09:11,783 --> 00:09:15,420
SABRINA: Making fun of Grandma
is more like the cheerleaders I know.
197
00:09:18,236 --> 00:09:20,801
GIRLS [CHANTING]: Westbridge,
Westbridge, you're the tops.
198
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,082
Wring Eastbridge dry like...
199
00:09:23,246 --> 00:09:24,842
Come to the big rally.
Bring your family.
200
00:09:25,009 --> 00:09:28,772
SABRINA: Oh, please. I'm gonna
make this last one a doozy.
201
00:09:31,262 --> 00:09:33,178
What are you looking at, freak?
202
00:09:36,071 --> 00:09:39,959
GIRLS [CHANTING]: Wring
Eastbridge dry like grungy old mops.
203
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:44,527
Next up in our long-shot category,
Valerie Birkhead.
204
00:09:44,689 --> 00:09:48,326
Uh, I changed my mind.
I'm not gonna try out anymore.
205
00:09:52,024 --> 00:09:55,341
Wonder if they give
a Nobel Prize for friendship.
206
00:10:01,242 --> 00:10:04,720
- Oh, morning, Cousin Mortimer.
- Yeah, Mortimer, that's right.
207
00:10:04,889 --> 00:10:06,008
It's my agent.
208
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,008
I just wanted to tell you
the penny worked.
209
00:10:08,176 --> 00:10:09,533
- Great.
- I probably saved Valerie
210
00:10:09,699 --> 00:10:11,535
from a life of crime,
which, as everyone knows,
211
00:10:11,703 --> 00:10:13,140
is what cheerleading
always leads to.
212
00:10:13,306 --> 00:10:15,542
I'm so happy. What? Are you sure?
213
00:10:15,711 --> 00:10:19,474
Nothing? Not even a grand opening
for a gas station?
214
00:10:19,639 --> 00:10:21,201
Fine.
215
00:10:21,763 --> 00:10:23,120
- Anything wrong?
- No. No, no, no.
216
00:10:23,287 --> 00:10:25,122
They just
cancelled my gig at the Y.
217
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:29,087
They replaced me with K.I.T.T.,
the talking car from Knight Rider.
218
00:10:29,259 --> 00:10:31,094
Sorry. I wish there was
something I could do.
219
00:10:31,263 --> 00:10:33,498
Oh, I know you-- You wanna help.
If you would, you could.
220
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,743
But listen, I love being a wigician.
221
00:10:35,912 --> 00:10:39,629
I just love it. The wand, the applause,
the different-coloured scarves,
222
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,875
the secondhand smoke, I love it.
223
00:10:42,044 --> 00:10:44,645
Well, when you put it that way,
who can blame you?
224
00:10:54,429 --> 00:10:55,421
Salem.
225
00:10:55,592 --> 00:10:59,354
He's in the freezer,
right next to the Eskimo Pies.
226
00:11:02,085 --> 00:11:04,399
Avert your gaze.
I'm working with isotopes.
227
00:11:04,570 --> 00:11:08,618
Salem, when are you planning
to put all this stuff back together?
228
00:11:08,778 --> 00:11:11,458
Relax. I'm on a journey
of self-discovery.
229
00:11:11,624 --> 00:11:15,227
For instance, I just discovered
that it's really cold inside the freezer.
230
00:11:15,391 --> 00:11:17,706
My eyes are frozen open.
231
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:20,522
- Cousin Zelda, let me help you.
- No, Mortimer--
232
00:11:20,682 --> 00:11:22,837
I insist, please. Step back.
233
00:11:23,007 --> 00:11:25,162
Abracadabra, abracadunk.
234
00:11:25,331 --> 00:11:29,015
Please, someone help us
with all this junk.
235
00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:30,572
Ah.
236
00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:34,827
Hilda? Zelda?
237
00:11:34,991 --> 00:11:36,827
Hello?
238
00:11:37,516 --> 00:11:39,877
Do I smell curry?
239
00:11:40,803 --> 00:11:43,368
I can't believe
you made him disappear.
240
00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:45,764
It has to do with the--
Oh, see? Look.
241
00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:50,495
Trust me, Val.
Orchestra Club is the way to go.
242
00:11:50,662 --> 00:11:53,741
Maybe you're right.
Maybe that's where my kind belongs.
243
00:11:53,909 --> 00:11:56,987
In the darkest corner
of the orchestra pit playing the triangle.
244
00:11:57,156 --> 00:11:58,148
That's the spirit.
245
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,713
Now that you won't have
cheerleading practise every afternoon,
246
00:12:00,883 --> 00:12:01,955
we can do whatever we want.
247
00:12:02,126 --> 00:12:04,326
Go to the mall
and try on clothes we can't afford.
248
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:05,482
Take naps.
249
00:12:05,653 --> 00:12:08,537
I'm even willing to go to that place
where you paint the plates and cups.
250
00:12:08,699 --> 00:12:10,021
Come on, what do you say?
251
00:12:10,182 --> 00:12:12,337
My mom could use
a new spoon caddy.
252
00:12:12,506 --> 00:12:14,946
This is gonna be great.
You and me doing everything together
253
00:12:15,112 --> 00:12:16,343
just like things used to be.
254
00:12:16,515 --> 00:12:18,237
Do you guys have any idea
where I can rent
255
00:12:18,398 --> 00:12:19,721
a Mother Goose karaoke machine?
256
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:22,842
Harvey Kinkle,
king of the conversation starters.
257
00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:24,730
My little brother's birthday party
is today.
258
00:12:24,891 --> 00:12:26,374
I'm in charge of the entertainment.
259
00:12:26,535 --> 00:12:27,766
- What did you get?
HARVEY: Nothing.
260
00:12:27,938 --> 00:12:30,937
I've been so busy helping my mom,
I completely forgot.
261
00:12:31,104 --> 00:12:33,145
My dad is really gonna lay into me.
262
00:12:33,308 --> 00:12:36,193
I'm telling you, it'll be like
the final scene from Braveheart.
263
00:12:36,354 --> 00:12:39,672
Hey, I've got the perfect idea.
Oh, maybe it's not such a good idea.
264
00:12:39,841 --> 00:12:41,324
Please. Anything.
265
00:12:41,485 --> 00:12:44,050
My cousin Mortimer is a wigici--
Magician.
266
00:12:44,210 --> 00:12:47,015
And he'd be perfect
for your brother's party.
267
00:12:47,176 --> 00:12:49,251
Do you think there's any way
we could get him?
268
00:12:49,421 --> 00:12:52,420
I'm going out on a limb here,
but, um, yes.
269
00:12:52,587 --> 00:12:54,229
Saba-- Oh.
270
00:12:54,391 --> 00:12:55,668
Oh, try again.
271
00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:58,274
And this time,
try bringing Salem back.
272
00:12:58,439 --> 00:12:59,796
Okay.
273
00:12:59,962 --> 00:13:01,958
Prim flim blitz.
274
00:13:03,489 --> 00:13:07,377
Hey, that's how I met my first wife.
275
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:10,855
Would you mind taking a seat
with the others, please?
276
00:13:12,668 --> 00:13:15,427
Have I accidentally stumbled
into a Boston Market?
277
00:13:15,593 --> 00:13:18,752
Hey. Great news, Cousin Mortimer,
I got you a gig.
278
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,360
A magic show for Harvey's
little brother and his friends.
279
00:13:21,525 --> 00:13:23,920
All right, after 300 years
of practising for this
280
00:13:24,091 --> 00:13:26,087
it's finally paying off. Yes.
281
00:13:26,255 --> 00:13:29,140
Sabrina, Mortimer doesn't have time
to do any magic shows.
282
00:13:29,301 --> 00:13:31,217
He's too busy
trying to bring back Salem.
283
00:13:31,385 --> 00:13:32,822
- Oh.
- Oh, but we're getting closer.
284
00:13:32,989 --> 00:13:36,352
He just brought back a guy
waiting for his CAT scan.
285
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:38,397
And a Catskills comedian.
286
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,525
- Everybody comfortable?
- I make a nice living.
287
00:13:42,127 --> 00:13:45,924
And Sylvia and Irving Katz
from New Rochelle.
288
00:13:46,095 --> 00:13:48,216
But no Salem.
289
00:13:48,380 --> 00:13:50,980
Then how do you explain
Martha Washington?
290
00:13:51,145 --> 00:13:52,423
I don't know.
291
00:13:52,949 --> 00:13:55,674
Besides, I don't think
you really want him around children.
292
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,716
It's too late.
The kids are gonna be here--
293
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:58,871
[DOORBELL RINGS]
294
00:13:59,041 --> 00:14:00,033
Now.
295
00:14:00,444 --> 00:14:02,644
I'm going to put
this delicious piece of cake--
296
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:04,292
Mmm.
297
00:14:04,893 --> 00:14:08,610
--and put it in my hat. Ha, ha, ha.
298
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:11,859
Here it goes.
Say the magic words, children.
299
00:14:12,027 --> 00:14:14,787
The magic words.
300
00:14:17,278 --> 00:14:19,513
Abracadabra, se-- Ooh.
301
00:14:22,889 --> 00:14:24,850
Oh, look. Flowers.
302
00:14:25,013 --> 00:14:28,697
And it was a birthday cake.
Thank you. Thank you.
303
00:14:28,861 --> 00:14:30,139
You're too kind.
304
00:14:30,304 --> 00:14:33,542
Please give me a hand
for my assistant, Martha.
305
00:14:34,593 --> 00:14:37,956
Who are you people?
And where's George?
306
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,923
Oh, Sabrina, I wish you hadn't
asked Cousin Mortimer to do this.
307
00:14:42,088 --> 00:14:44,402
You just know something
horrible's gonna happen.
308
00:14:44,573 --> 00:14:47,093
When are you two gonna cut
Cousin Mortimer some slack?
309
00:14:47,258 --> 00:14:48,695
He's just doing what he loves.
310
00:14:48,861 --> 00:14:51,905
- Not really well, but he's still doing it.
- He could have been so much more.
311
00:14:52,068 --> 00:14:54,463
He could have been a novelist
or a chemist or a professor.
312
00:14:54,633 --> 00:14:56,150
Maybe he doesn't wanna
be any of those.
313
00:14:56,316 --> 00:14:57,799
Maybe he just wants
to be a wigician.
314
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,799
I mean, what's the harm in it
as long as it makes him happy?
315
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:02,847
Just like Valerie. Gotta go.
316
00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:04,652
Thank you. You're so kind.
317
00:15:04,813 --> 00:15:07,049
And now, I need a volunteer.
318
00:15:07,218 --> 00:15:09,692
A volunteer, a volunteer.
How about you?
319
00:15:09,864 --> 00:15:11,266
The birthday boy.
320
00:15:11,427 --> 00:15:13,822
HILDA: Does he look old enough
to have dental records?
321
00:15:14,272 --> 00:15:16,428
Abracadabra, abracadiff.
322
00:15:16,597 --> 00:15:20,394
It's time for the birthday boy
to get a gift.
323
00:15:21,206 --> 00:15:23,122
[AUDIENCE & MORTIMER GASP]
324
00:15:28,982 --> 00:15:33,862
Kids, this man is a menace to society.
And household pets.
325
00:15:34,032 --> 00:15:35,993
You can expect
to hear from my lawyer.
326
00:15:36,157 --> 00:15:37,149
[STAMMERING]
327
00:15:37,319 --> 00:15:38,596
Cat, talk.
328
00:15:38,762 --> 00:15:39,754
[CHUCKLING]
329
00:15:39,924 --> 00:15:41,520
My career go bye-bye.
330
00:15:41,688 --> 00:15:44,048
Okay. Up until now,
every trick kind of stunk,
331
00:15:44,213 --> 00:15:45,490
but that was great.
332
00:15:45,656 --> 00:15:47,058
Yeah.
333
00:15:47,219 --> 00:15:48,941
Did you like that?
334
00:15:49,543 --> 00:15:51,585
A cat talking, my greatest illusion.
335
00:15:51,748 --> 00:15:54,713
Listen, could you vamp
till I try to find the kid?
336
00:15:54,874 --> 00:15:57,839
So who here's from out of town?
337
00:15:59,724 --> 00:16:01,400
Abracadiggy, abracadack.
338
00:16:01,568 --> 00:16:04,612
Oh, please, little boy,
won't you come back?
339
00:16:06,898 --> 00:16:08,621
What? Oh!
340
00:16:09,023 --> 00:16:14,233
Once again, the great Mortimer
has astounded even himself.
341
00:16:14,394 --> 00:16:17,393
Listen, kid, you don't have to
mention this to your parents, okay?
342
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,552
Here. Go.
343
00:16:20,165 --> 00:16:22,446
Val, I really blew it
on this cheerleader thing.
344
00:16:22,610 --> 00:16:24,206
If there's something
that makes you happy,
345
00:16:24,374 --> 00:16:25,492
then you should go for it.
346
00:16:25,656 --> 00:16:27,013
It doesn't matter what I think.
347
00:16:27,179 --> 00:16:29,699
And you're not just saying that
because tryouts were yesterday?
348
00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:33,148
Well, it's never too late.
All you have to do is ask Libby.
349
00:16:33,312 --> 00:16:35,308
[CACKLING]
350
00:16:36,478 --> 00:16:39,956
You want me to extend
the cheerleading tryouts for her?
351
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:43,968
That is too sad. Even for you.
352
00:16:44,614 --> 00:16:45,846
Oh, yeah. That went well.
353
00:16:48,863 --> 00:16:50,779
Would right now
be convenient for you?
354
00:16:51,949 --> 00:16:53,945
Um, sure.
355
00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:59,318
Sabrina, I'm no cheerleader.
I can't go through with this.
356
00:16:59,484 --> 00:17:00,887
Oh, what's there to be scared of?
357
00:17:01,047 --> 00:17:05,175
I mean, sure, there is the possibility
of humiliation, but this is high school.
358
00:17:05,336 --> 00:17:07,411
When isn't there
the possibility of humiliation?
359
00:17:08,222 --> 00:17:12,383
Oh, all right, all right, I'll do it,
but on one condition.
360
00:17:15,557 --> 00:17:17,153
Thanks for doing this
with me, Sabrina.
361
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:18,997
It's giving me the confidence I need.
362
00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,160
Well, the phrase
"you owe me one" comes to mind,
363
00:17:21,328 --> 00:17:23,369
yet it seems so inadequate.
364
00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:27,820
Here we have Sabrina Spellman
and Valerie Birkhead.
365
00:17:27,982 --> 00:17:30,057
Get ready for some comedy.
366
00:17:30,226 --> 00:17:32,952
VALERIE:
Go Westbridge.
367
00:17:33,112 --> 00:17:36,031
- Ready, set, hit it.
- Ready, set, hit it.
368
00:17:36,198 --> 00:17:37,921
VALERIE [CHANTING]:
Cut the V.
369
00:17:38,523 --> 00:17:40,519
Dot the I.
370
00:17:40,687 --> 00:17:42,603
Curl the C.
371
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,653
T-O-R-Y.
372
00:17:44,816 --> 00:17:48,898
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y.
373
00:17:49,064 --> 00:17:54,069
Victory, victory,
that's our cry.
374
00:17:58,203 --> 00:18:00,563
- Was I okay?
- Oh, yeah. You were incredible.
375
00:18:00,728 --> 00:18:03,487
Like, uh, Martha Graham,
if she did sporting events.
376
00:18:04,656 --> 00:18:09,741
Okay. Now it's time
for the essay portion of your audition.
377
00:18:09,906 --> 00:18:10,978
"The effect of cheerleading
378
00:18:11,149 --> 00:18:13,669
on the North American
Free Trade Agreement"?
379
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:15,430
"Midis or minis: How long and why"?
380
00:18:15,598 --> 00:18:17,274
No talking.
381
00:18:20,047 --> 00:18:21,483
I wish you didn't have to leave.
382
00:18:21,650 --> 00:18:23,485
I never got to ask you
about the family secret.
383
00:18:23,654 --> 00:18:25,695
You mean I'm two inches shorter
for nothing?
384
00:18:25,858 --> 00:18:29,097
Actually, I have hidden a clue
about the family secret
385
00:18:29,265 --> 00:18:31,261
somewhere in the house.
386
00:18:31,429 --> 00:18:34,713
Could you light me? I'm late.
387
00:18:34,876 --> 00:18:38,274
Well, if I ever get the quarter out
of my ear, I'll send it to you.
388
00:18:38,444 --> 00:18:39,927
I'm gonna miss you, ha, ha.
389
00:18:40,969 --> 00:18:42,531
See you.
390
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,548
[GRUNTING]
391
00:18:53,754 --> 00:18:58,235
On second thought,
maybe I'll take the closet.
392
00:18:59,045 --> 00:19:02,250
It's weird. I can't get the curry smell
out of my brother,
393
00:19:02,412 --> 00:19:04,886
and he can't sleep
without sandalwood burning.
394
00:19:05,057 --> 00:19:07,531
Oh, I went through that phase.
395
00:19:07,703 --> 00:19:09,504
[SHOUTING]
396
00:19:09,666 --> 00:19:11,902
Oh, here come the cheerleaders
to announce the new squad.
397
00:19:12,071 --> 00:19:14,067
- I'm so nervous.
- Come on, Valerie.
398
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,881
[CHANTING]
Cut the V, dot the I, curl the C.
399
00:19:17,041 --> 00:19:18,113
Now you get the hang of it?
400
00:19:18,284 --> 00:19:20,200
LIBBY:
I have the results of our tryouts.
401
00:19:20,929 --> 00:19:25,330
The new members of the
second-string cheerleading squad are:
402
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:29,626
Renee Phillips, Danita Jones,
403
00:19:29,787 --> 00:19:31,110
and Valerie Birkhead.
404
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:33,026
[SCREAMING AND GIGGLING]
405
00:19:33,194 --> 00:19:34,870
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
406
00:19:35,038 --> 00:19:36,315
This is weird. I still like you.
407
00:19:38,925 --> 00:19:40,044
Use them with honour.
408
00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:43,089
Second-string cheerleader.
409
00:19:43,254 --> 00:19:46,412
That means if a varsity cheerleader
dies or gains weight, I'm in.
410
00:19:46,942 --> 00:19:48,938
Do you think some day
I'll look back on this moment
411
00:19:49,106 --> 00:19:51,102
and say it was
the happiest of my life?
412
00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:52,993
If the rest of your life stinks, yes.
413
00:19:53,154 --> 00:19:55,594
Let's just hope this is the start
of something big.
414
00:19:55,759 --> 00:19:59,921
And as for Sabrina Spellman,
who also tried out,
415
00:20:00,088 --> 00:20:01,810
we'll be showing a videotape
of her audition
416
00:20:01,972 --> 00:20:03,203
in the gymnasium after--
417
00:20:03,375 --> 00:20:04,777
[CROWD SHOUTING]
418
00:20:05,499 --> 00:20:08,782
Am I to understand I wasn't good?
419
00:20:12,232 --> 00:20:14,833
SALEM: If you happen to find
any shrimp toast in the couch,
420
00:20:14,998 --> 00:20:16,800
I wouldn't say no.
421
00:20:16,962 --> 00:20:20,086
Hey, I think I found Mortimer's clue.
422
00:20:20,249 --> 00:20:22,245
Okay, now I'm starting to think
he's weird.
423
00:20:22,413 --> 00:20:24,808
Sabrina, you're gonna be getting
a lot of clues like this.
424
00:20:24,978 --> 00:20:27,623
Once you've gathered them all,
they'll spell out the family secret,
425
00:20:27,784 --> 00:20:29,745
but it's up to you to figure it out.
426
00:20:29,908 --> 00:20:33,591
Okay, well, it looks like a superhero
with "ABC" written on him.
427
00:20:33,756 --> 00:20:36,515
Is he Alphabet Man? No, no, no.
428
00:20:36,682 --> 00:20:37,674
He's Spell Man.
429
00:20:37,844 --> 00:20:40,922
That means the family secret's
about us?
430
00:20:41,091 --> 00:20:42,972
Jeez, I hope all the other clues
are this juicy.
431
00:20:43,135 --> 00:20:45,256
I can't find Mortimer's clue
anywhere.
432
00:20:45,419 --> 00:20:47,700
You know, maybe it would help
if we think like him.
433
00:20:47,864 --> 00:20:49,905
- Aunt Hilda, I--
- Abracadoobie, abracadoo.
434
00:20:50,069 --> 00:20:52,190
Help us uncover Sabrina's clue.
435
00:20:57,644 --> 00:20:58,875
SALEM:
Anybody hungry?
436
00:20:59,047 --> 00:21:01,282
I know a decent restaurant
around the corner.
437
00:21:01,452 --> 00:21:03,493
The Deli Lama.
438
00:21:08,666 --> 00:21:11,426
Wow. This place is tidier
than the appliance section
439
00:21:11,592 --> 00:21:12,789
of a department store.
440
00:21:12,955 --> 00:21:15,315
You're not gonna make me buy
the extended warranty, are you?
441
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,601
SALEM:
I had a spiritual awakening in Calcutta,
442
00:21:17,764 --> 00:21:21,162
not to be a holy man,
but to be a handyman.
443
00:21:21,332 --> 00:21:23,771
So you finally have something
to do while you're awake.
444
00:21:23,937 --> 00:21:26,822
HILDA: What's this?
- My mantra. You can't see it.
445
00:21:28,225 --> 00:21:32,228
A receipt for $3,000
worth of appliance repair?
446
00:21:32,394 --> 00:21:36,761
I'm the man of the house.
This is how men fix things.
447
00:21:36,923 --> 00:21:38,519
[CRYING]
448
00:21:38,569 --> 00:21:43,119
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