Original subtitles

Hey, guys, we're here.

Hey. (yells)

What is the matter with you?

(muffled): Homemade teeth whitening.

Put a drop of bleach and some baking soda

in our Halloween teeth.

VIRGINIA: And wham bam,

our chiclets are whiter than

the cast of "Downtown" Abbey.

If we're gonna be on TV, we got to look good.

This telethon is gonna be seen by literally dozens of people.

Oh, right. The telethon is this year.

A telethon for what?

I don't know what's it's for.

Schools or disease or...

people who drowned in that salami.

The important thing is they get their money

and we finally get to sing our song on TV!

VIRGINIA: For years, Burt and I tried

to perform our special song

on Natesville's Quad-Annual Telethon.

This is it, Virginia, we're up next.

Are you ready?

(yells)

No, I think it's a higher register, like...

(sings high note)

No. I'm having our baby. No...

VIRGINIA: But no matter how many times we tried,

something always seemed to go wrong.

Also, we just want to thank Ploppies Fish Dogs

for feeding all of our hardworking volunteers

with their wonderful fish-based sausage products.

And now, it's time for a little song...

from Virginia and Burt Chance.

Good evening, Natesville.

What a treat it is to be here for this wonderful cause.

Now we'd like to sing a song for you.

Who likes rock and roll?

A-one, a-two... (Barney coughs)

(choking): Fish bone. Fish... fish bone.

Okay, I know we tried this before,

but back again this year, Virginia and Burt Chance...

Great cause. Right to the song.

And a-one, and a-two...

MAN (over TV): Breaking news.

This just in...

This is the first telethon since we became friends with Barney.

So we are guaranteed to get on the air.

Why's it such a big deal to sing your song on a local telethon?

We know we're amazing singers.

But now, through the magic of television...

the whole world will know.

This will finally legitimize us as people.

I think you guys might be putting too much weight on TV.

It's just a bunch of people saying clever quips

followed by a catchy theme song.

Whoo!

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Uh-oh.

Bad news.

Either Gil has learned to do the sidestroke, or he's dead.

(gasps)

Oh, no.

Poor Hope-- she's gonna be so upset.

(sighs) We need your help.

We're in the middle of a crisis, Mom.

Hope's goldfish died.

That's not a crisis.

A crisis is when they move your favorite show to Friday night.

Now I don't know whether Booth and Bones

are still boning on Bones.

Or when your granddaughter swallows a marble

and you go to the hospital, and then you realize

you forgot to VCR your favorite show. Bones.

Wait, did that actually happen to Hope?

Don't change the subject.

So about this dead fish,

here's what you do: don't tell Hope

and just replace it with one that looks exactly the same.

That's what they do on TV; it works every time.

Yeah, when they do that though, it always leads to

complications no one expected.

Yeah, but those complications

always lead to a funny and heartwarming ending.

Every time.

Or we could take this opportunity

to teach our daughter about death.

You guys, not everybody has to live their lives

like they're characters on a television show.

What you just said, that's so Raven.

Wait, so what's happening now?

I invited my new boss over for dinner tonight,

so I need to pretend that Burt and I live here...

and you guys are the maid and butler.

Yeah, we're not doing that.

We already have a full house. I don't want to spend

the whole night trying to figure out who's the boss.

Especially when we have family matters to discuss.

Fine, but we need to borrow your dining room table.

'Cause not all of us were born

with silver spoons in our mouths.

Good times.

VIRGINIA: This dinner is my opportunity

to show Louise I have what it takes

to be Regional Assistant Manager.

Don't be nervous, just be yourself.

What are you, crazy?

I can't be myself and neither can you.

We got to be whatever they want us to be. (doorbell rings)

Whatever they say or do, just go with it.

LOUISE: Oh! Oh! (laughs)

Oh! Oh! Virginia!

Louise!

Oh!

(both laughing)

Oh, and who's this

smoking hunk of beef? (groans)

Uh, my husband, Burt.

And who's this

slow... roasted... pork shoulder?

You're doing great.

That's my husband, Talon.

And I know it looks like there's a big age difference,

but that's just because I can still pull young tail.

(laughing loudly)

(laughter)

I hope everybody likes Howdy's special blend

of instant dark roast.

I do, but none for Talon.

Too bitter.

Oh, hey, you got any of that hot chocolate with the, uh,

little marshmallows in it?

Uh... I've got chocolate syrup and water,

and I can pick the marshmallow charms out of the cereal.

Works for Talon.

You remember what we talked about?

No third person?

Now, go help Burt.

Ladies need to talk business.

So, what's your allowance?

Would you like some cream?

No, I take it black.

No, I know. Me, too.

Of course. Yeah.

Mmm.

You know, Virginia... Yeah.

...I started out as a maid, just like you.

You remind me a lot of myself.

Yeah, there's not a lot of white blonde maids.

Virginia, that's a little racist.

Uh-huh.

I love it.

(both laugh)

And I like you!

We should get to know each other better.

You like squash?

Squash.

I... Well, I love squash.

Mm-hmm.

Squash is a game?

I guess so.

That makes no sense.

I know.

If any vegetable deserves its own game,

it's the potato.

It's the basis of everything delicious.

It's given us the baked,

the mashed, the fried, the totted.

What is squash?

Au gratin.

Looks like a rich man's handball,

and they play with these skinny little tennis racquets.

Oh, no. Ugh.

If I'm horrible,

I'll make a fool of myself

and ruin all the progress I just made with my new boss.

My career will be over before it's even started.

This is a complication that was entirely unexpected.

(sighs) Lord.

After hitting the front wall first,

the ball may hit any other number of walls

before landing in the opponent's quarter court.

I'm telling you, this game would be a lot more fun

if it was just people throwing squashes at each other.

How about fat people sitting on each other?

That's two games right there that deserve to be called squash

more than this one.

Yeah, I think I'm just gonna...

Ow! Ow, my ankle!

Are you okay?

Great, you bought it.

Now I can fake an injury.

(chuckles) No, I didn't buy it.

I just thought we were role playing, uh,

injured lady and paramedic

who likes to hook up with injured lady.

No, but keep that one filed away.

I found my old squash racquet.

Yeah. Oh.

I have got a lot of really great squash stories.

So, how's it going with the fish?

Being honest was a bust.

Knew it. Told you since you were a kid,

truth is overrated.

Yeah, about that fish-- tell us exactly what happened.

We had a funeral.

Please watch over Gilly

as he swims in that great bowl in the sky,

and...

(toilet flushes)

(laughs)

Well, now that she's flushed him,

in order to replace him, you're gonna have to tell her

that it swam through the pipes and up the sink.

Kids are dumb. They'll believe anything.

No, it's not that hard to believe.

I remember when I was a kid,

my fish swam out of the sink at least five...

Aw, man.

See?

See, that is how a little girl

should react when her pet dies.

But Hope-- she just giggled.

It was creepy.

Well, she is the child of a serial killer.

I love her, but I got to admit, when I'm alone with her,

I always have an exit strategy.

It was our fault. I mean, we never made her take care of it,

so she never connected emotionally.

Right. So we got her Gilly the Second.

And this time she's been feeding it and taking care of it.

I'm sure that's gonna help her forge a bond.

Yeah. So when it dies, she'll cry.

Instead of laughing and flushing it down the toilet

with her dead shark eyes.

Dead fish. Dead fish.

What?

Ugh.

We just bought that fish yesterday.

Flush the fish. Flush the fish.

(laughs)

I'm scared to say it,

but I think she's taking after her mother.

I-I'm sure she just didn't connect with it

because she can't hold it or pet it.

I mean, you can't hug a fish.

Something my parents should have told me before giving me

Guppy Goldberg-- may she rest in peace.

Maybe we should just get her a pet that's cuddlier than a fish.

You know? Something soft, but durable.

Like a pioneer woman.

Okay, one, I was talking about a hamster.

Two, your Dr. Quinn fantasy is not happening.

(bell rings)

It's a local telethon, Josie; we don't have enough space

to recreate The Hunger Games.

You suck, Barney.

Well, I...

Oh, great, you're here.

You and Virginia ready to rehearse?

Well, Virginia's not here yet.

But she will be here soon,

and I promise we'll be ready to rock.

This means a lot to both of us.

Oh, well, great.

Well, let me know when she arrives,

because we're rehearsing in order,

and you're on right after Dancin' Dan jumps the shark.

Oh, come on, Barney.

You know no one's gonna be watching

after Dancin' Dan jumps the shark.

Everyone will stop watching long before that.

Probably sometime during the act when Seamus O'Flathery

counts to a thousand in a Mexican accent.

WOMAN (over speakers): Give a nice warm welcome to...

Wow. Yeah. Uh-huh.

I thought "The Meat Locker" was a weird name for a sports club.

This makes a lot more sense.

I tell my husband I'm "playing squash"

because I don't want him to know I'm coming here.

For business.

Here's your meat money.

Use it wisely.

Well, thank you.

Yeah, strip clubs aren't really my idea of fun.

We're here to entertain the Nakamura sisters.

Just help me close the deal,

and you'll be cruising in one of those sweet

pink company sedans in no time.

I've always wanted the status that goes along

with riding around town in one of those.

Well, here's your chance to get it.

Now go over there and show those Nakamura sisters

how to have a good time.

No problem. I speak a little Japanese.

Really? Yeah.

(Nakamura sisters laughing)

(both laugh)

(speaks Japanese)

Spend 25 years watching Japanese horror movies,

you pick up a thing or two.

Well...

(kettle whistling)

Hey, Virginia, where have you been?

(sighs) I'm sorry, Burt.

I know I missed rehearsal for the telethon.

Louise dragged me to a male strip club.

What? What about your fear of man thongs?

Louise says in order to be successful

you need to conquer your fears.

Besides, they didn't keep 'em on for very long.

Hey, you remember little Billy Watkins

who used to live down the street?

Sure. Well, he's all grown up now.

Why would your boss take you to a place like that?

Because she's teaching me

that business doesn't just get done in the boardroom.

It happens at the Steak House, the Nineteenth Hole,

and the Old Boys' Club,

which, by the way, are also male strip clubs.

What Natesville lacks in adult literacy,

it makes up for in adult entertainment.

Louise thinks I have it in me to be more than just crew chief.

She thinks I could climb all the way to the top.

Apparently, there's a beautiful glass ceiling up there.

A glass ceiling? That sounds dangerous.

I'm surprised they'd let a woman up there.

Right?

Anyway, I'm exhausted.

Hey, we got to practice our song.

We'll be fine. Oh, and I got to meet you

at the telethon tomorrow. I got a meeting at the Meat Locker.

And before that we're gonna grab a bite at the Sausage Factory,

which I'm praying is a breakfast place.

(squeaking)

Thanks again for letting us use

one of your mice as a pet for Hope.

And we promise, we'll make a good home for Mr. Whiskers.

Please. Mr. Whiskers was his father.

He prefers to be called Len. Huh.

I was gonna feed him to my snake anyway.

Doesn't naming him make it harder

to feed him to your snake?

Some people feel that way,

but I believe it gives him a quiet dignity in death.

Hey, Hope!

You want to come meet your new best friend?

All right.

Look, sweetie.

Isn't it adorable?

You want to touch him? He doesn't bite.

No.

Whoa.

Your kid is cold.

Even I think Len's cute,

and I was gonna watch him get slowly digested over ten hours.

Come on, Natesville. If you donate over ten dollars,

we'll send you this wonderful

Howdy's tote bag.

Son of a bitch! I think that freakin' can broke my toe.

You guys are up next, Burt.

But Virginia's not here yet. I can't go on without her.

Where is she? I don't know.

She promised she'd be here.

Well, she's not and we can't wait.

White Morgan Freeman is almost finished miming

all of regular Morgan Freeman's greatest roles.

See? He's done his Driving Miss Daisy.

And his Shawshank is just him air-hugging Tim Robbins.

Hey. Go tell Dancin' Dan and the shark to get ready.

Oh, come on.

(rock music playing, women whooping)

Thanks, Jackhammer.

Nice to see you, Mrs. Chance.

You, too, Billy. Tell your mom I said hi.

Will do.

So, like I was saying,

Knock Knock Knock has

the lowest prices, the pinkest uniforms,

and... we hate dolphins, too.

(quietly): Hey, uh, FYI,

the dolphin talk is kind of a sensitive subject.

Oh, gotcha. Yeah.

So, um, hey, Pearl Harbor.

What a great movie, huh?

(laughter)

You are killing it.

Kyoko told me she wants to fly us to Vegas on her father's jet.

Hey, ladies,

I think there might be a storm front moving in,

because here comes the rain!

(whooping)

How about you?

No, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no. (chuckles)

(gasps) Oh, my God! I forgot!

I-I have to go. Um, I'm supposed to be at the telethon with Burt.

You can't leave. This is business.

I'll just be a few minutes. Really. I promised my husband.

Husbands are expendable.

You think Talon's my first husband?

He's not even my first Talon.

Besides, you can do a lot better than Burt.

Now, you just stay put

and earn that pink sedan.

Listen, lady, you can take that pink sedan

and park it in your brown garage.

For your information, my garage is bleached.

I'm gonna give you one more chance to sit down

and let some strange man rub his junk all over you,

or you can forget about that promotion.

There's only one strange man I let rub his junk on me,

and that's my slow cousin Jeffrey,

because he doesn't know any better.

Did I make it?

Yeah. Yeah, Dan, you made it.

It's now or never. You and Virginia are on, Burt.

I can't. She's still not here.

Well, we got to put something on the air.

Right now, the people at home are just watching

a dazed shark eat a cape.

The pledges have stopped, Burt.

We have got to move that tote board.

Wait. This is on TV.

That means everything has to work out.

Virginia's gonna burst through that door any second.

Right... now!

Or... now!

Now?

Geez, Burt, you're bringing me down

even more than that act that was a six-year-old girl

talking about her parents' divorce.

Nobody move.

WOMAN: It's the cops.

This club is operating without a license.

We're gonna need statements from all of you.

(groans) I can't believe this.

I'm stuck in the Meat Locker!

(clears throat) Uh...

this is a little song I usually sing with my wife.

Tonight, I'm going solo.

I think it should work out just the same.

("Don't Go Breaking My Heart" playing)

Don't go breaking my heart

Oh, honey, if I get restless

Don't go breaking my heart

Oh, honey, when you knock on my door...

Hey, Hope, look.

Now that Len can follow you in his go-ball,

you two can be best friends!

(sighs) Jimmy, this is pointless.

I really don't think Hope cares.

I mean,

look at this drawing that she's doing.

JIMMY: That's interesting.

(sighs) I'll call Frank to pick up Len.

In the meantime, I'm gonna move him somewhere safer.

(screams, grunts)

Oh, my God. Jimmy. (Jimmy groans)

Daddy!

I'm okay. (grunts)

(groans)

Oh.

Well, she does care about one stupid animal.

(chuckles)

Me. (chuckles)

Can we go to the concussion?

I think I have a hospital.

("Don't Go Breaking My Heart" playing)

Don't go breaking my heart

I won't go breaking your heart...

Okay, thank you,

Burt Chance, for those seven renditions

of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart."

(quietly): People are taking back their donations.

(quietly): I'm sorry, Barney; I thought she'd be here by now.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

I really screwed up tonight.

That's okay. I knew you'd come.

No, it's not okay.

I got so caught up in my job

that I forgot about what's important.

Well, what about your promotion and your pink car

and your glass ceiling?

None of that matters, Burt.

I'm so sorry.

I got seduced by the glamour of assistant regional management.

But I'm gonna make a pledge.

I'll never stand you up again.

(phones ringing)

Keep kissing! People love it!

Grope her for charity! (chuckles)

Do you mind singing our song one last time?

I'd love to.

("Don't Go Breaking My Heart" playing)

(bell dinging) BARNEY: Oh, yeah!

We did it! We're all going home!

Good night, Natesville! Roll the credits!

(chuckles)

(crowd cheering)

ANNOUNCER: Thank you for your pledges.

Make sure to visit the Museum of Medical Devices.

From here on out, it's just Barney and Dan

beating a shark to death on live TV.

But you didn't get to sing your song together.

The important thing is we learned something

about our relationship that we wouldn't have learned

if we'd never been on TV.

Like I learned that you can't

let focusing on your job get in the way of being together.

And it worked out in a clever and unexpected way

because we did it the way they do on TV.

We didn't replace Hope's fish with a look-alike,

and everything worked out great for us, too.

Yeah. And it turns out Hope does have compassion.

She's just not a pet person.

You two did everything the way they do it on TV.

You just don't know it. What you talking 'bout?

Perhaps you remember a show called That's My Munchkin.

That's not a real show.

Actually, it was.

I loved That's My Munchkin.

They only made four episodes,

but Jimmy watched every one about a thousand times.

Don't worry, Buddy, you'll be safe up here.

(grunts) Whoa!

(canned laughter)

Oh, no!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Daddy!

Well, looks like she does care

about one stupid animal.

Me. (canned laughter)

I love you, Daddy. (audience aahing)

That's my munchkin!

(laughter, cheering)

Now can we go to the concussion?

I think I might have a hospital.

(theme music playing, laughter, applause)

It's not the same. That's just a coincidence.

Maybe you're right. I guess your lives

really don't resemble anything on TV.

(all yawning)

So, what's everybody up to next week?

Not much.

I'm gonna pretend to be Barney's girlfriend

while his moms come to visit town.

Hmm. I got to go meet my pregnant friend in an elevator.

We couldn't think of anything new to do,

so we're just gonna make a family video.

You know, clip together some of our favorite moments

from over the years. That sounds boring.

Oh, no. We're gonna talk in between the clips

to spice it up a little.

Oh.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0