Original subtitles

So I was looking for my pocket pool game in the closet

and I found this.

And I don't know what game it is,

but it kind of smells like pee.

That's 'cause I peed on it. Aah!

Why would you pee on a video game?

Jimmy, it's not a video game.

(laughs)

This is my ovulation kit.

I used to use it with Wyatt, so I could make extra sure

I wouldn't get pregnant.

So... why do you still have it?

Because the pharmacy has a very firm

"once peed on, no return" policy.

But you're not still using it, right?

No, no, no. Of course not.

I feel like, if we got accidentally pregnant,

that'd be great, right?

Why would it have to be accidentally?

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I'm not... not saying what you think I'm saying.

Well, I'm not not loving what I'm hearing.

I'm not sure that I'm following

what you're not not loving.

I'm loving the idea of having a baby.

Me, too.

Let's not not do this thing.

(laughs) Uh, now...

which end of this thing do I pee on?

Yuck.

Whoo!

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Aw, you guys can't eat all this junk.

It'll kill you.

We need the energy.

It's planting season,

and I'm laying down fertilizer ten hours a day.

Planting season means all the part-time maids are

taking off for higher paying farm work,

so I'm working double shifts.

This is all that gets us through the day.

VIRGINIA: The energy drinks they sell in stores

aren't strong enough, so we make our own.

BURT: We call them cola-chinos.

I know it sounds kind of gross, but with a little sugar,

tastes kind of good.

(screams)

Pour some sugar on me...

VIRGINIA: Since the news told us

energy bars are really just candy bars

in fancy wrappers, we came up with our own idea.

BURT: The sugar-burger-- really gives us the extra pep

we need to get through the day.

(moans)

Pour some sugar on me...

My skin is electric!

Ooh, in the name of love

Pour some sugar on me

Come on, fire me up

Pour your sugar...

(car horn blaring)

VIRGINIA: Unfortunately, if you don't keep eating it,

you crash pretty hard.

Sugar me.

You're stress eating.

What you need is to get away and relax.

We could never afford to do that.

I'm going on a retreat this weekend.

It's all-you-can-eat-and-drink, has beautiful scenery,

and it's free.

What's the catch?

No catch. All you have to do is

sit through a short presentation.

(gasps) We love those!

We've fallen for several pyramid schemes.

Plus, we had a fun two months as Scientologists.

I don't know. I think...

(groaning)

Sorry, my pancreas seized up.

I should probably go to urgent care,

but your vacation sounds more fun.

(groaning)

Hope is down for her nap, so let the baby-making begin.

Here, drink this.

It's called conceivabili-tea.

Oh, God, that's awful.

Why are we drinking this stuff?

It's supposed to activate all of our fertility channels.

Why don't we just get drunk and do it

in the back of the car?

That's how everybody I know gets pregnant.

I'm ovulating right now.

We only have 72 hours to make this baby,

and I-I want to do it right.

So does that still involve me and sex?

(doorbell rings)

Maw Maw?

What are you doing here?

It's all in the note.

VIRGINIA (speaking slowly): Jimmy...

We... knew...

you...wouldn't...

Hey, let me see that.

VIRGINIA (normal voice): Jimmy, we knew you wouldn't say yes to this,

but we need you to watch Maw Maw for a few days

while we go on a relaxing vacation.

You can say no, but she will surely die,

and it will be all your fault.

(sighs) Your parents just ditched us with Maw Maw.

Don't act like I'm such a burden.

I may be old, but I can take care of myself.

Uh...

(sighs)

Well, if Maw Maw's gonna be here,

maybe we should just wait until next week

to start the whole baby thing.

No, Jimmy!

Look, if we don't get pregnant in the next three days,

then we got to wait another year.

My lady eggs are all dressed up

and ready to go to the ball right now.

A year?

I thought your eggs hatched every month. Well...

The female body is such a mystery to me.

I know it is, Jimmy.

MAW MAW: I can't open any of these cabinets.

That's 'cause they're child-proofed.

If we get pregnant now,

then our baby will be born in November.

Just trust me 'cause I've looked at a calendar.

There have been countless studies

that show that all of the most successful babies

have been born in November.

Because they're the oldest in their class.

One reason I support your theory

is that it means we can have sex right now.

(clattering) MAW MAW: This house sucks!

Maybe we should just go do this at your parents' house.

We might be better off

dealing with Maw Maw on her own turf.

It'll be fine.

Apparently you two rocket scientists insist on

child-proofing your toilet,

so you're going to need to buy a new hamper.

This place is so luxurious.

I just got back from the bathroom;

the stalls are huge.

I can finally do my business starfish-style.

I love these big comfy chairs.

Feel like I'm on Oprah.

Oh.

(laughs) Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm Shelby Hornsby, founder of Handles.

And yes, I used to have them.

Until those handles opened a door

that led me to a healthy lifestyle.

(whispering): Oh, my God, Burt, everyone here is huge.

Barney brought us to a fat camp.

SHELBY: ...just like it was for one of

our biggest and now littlest success stories:

Barney Hughes!

You may not believe it, but this tight set of buns

was once able to fill out these.

Whoa.

And recently, I helped two other people achieve

the same amazing results.

That's us.

He computerized us into fat people.

And there's the catch.

Virginia and Burt Chance, stand up and take a bow.

Two things you couldn't do six months ago.

(applause)

Oh, thank you,

but Virginia and Burt are the real heroes.

VIRGINIA: Barney...

what the hell's going on?

Why'd you lie about us being fat?

I'm sorry I lied,

but I needed to tell people that I inspired you to lose weight,

so I could get my pants on

the Wall of Quadruple Excellence.

The what?

Whoa.

Oh, my God. I thought those were kites.

It's where Handles honors their most inspirational alumni.

And it's always been my dream to be up there,

but I've never been able to inspire anybody.

That's not true, Barney.

Whenever I'm having a hard day, I think, "Look at Barney.

"Dead-end job, no wife, bleak future,

"and that poor bastard always has a smile on his face.

What do I have to complain about?"

Thanks, Burt.

So will you help me?

I don't know. I don't want to give all these campers

false hope that they can have all this.

I mean, it's taken years of cigarettes, being poor

and manual labor to achieve these hot bods. Yeah.

MAN: Hey, excuse me.

We've been coming here for years,

and for the first time we were able to see

your amazing results firsthand.

Because of you,

we're gonna stop living a lie.

I don't know, Virginia.

It might be kind of cool.

We could be fake inspirations to people, like Lance Armstrong.

Anyone with the confidence

to wear biker shorts with one ball is okay with me.

Okay, Barney, we're in.

Okay, so I've lit the candles, classical music is playing.

Now, can you please explain to me

why you're standing on your hands?

Well, I read on several online baby blogs

that this helps get the smartest eggs in the, uh, prime position.

If you could maybe just help me over to the bed.

(sighs) Okay.

(laughs, sighs)

You okay?

That's all right, I'm okay, just maybe...

let's just close our eyes

and just think of something really beautiful, huh?

What do you see? Maw Maw.

Whatever works for you, Jimmy, that's fine.

Maw Maw's here watching us.

Oh, God.

It's not dinner and a show unless the show actually starts.

Hey, isn't it bedtime, Maw Maw?

No, it's pickle-time.

You've been out of the house for too long.

Damn, I totally forgot about pickle-time.

She sleeps all day and when she wakes up, she eats pickles

for three hours and annoys the hell out of everyone else.

That's the plan.

(sighs) Okay.

I know it's not perfect.

Maybe we should just start where we left off, huh?

Okay, so deep breaths.

(inhales deeply)

Oh, yeah.

Why does the bathroom smell like pickles?

Huh?

How does she do that?

A magician never reveals her tricks.

Also, I have no idea how I got here.

Boy, shaking hands and looking thin

really works up an appetite.

I know. I've been hungry since the morning weigh-in.

I've never seen a scale with a seat before.

All right, guys, remember, everyone's gonna be watching

to see what you're eating, so don't go crazy.

Got it. Small portions.

Thin slice of pie, nothing a la mode.

So, this is the salad bar.

Where's the rest of the all-you-can-eat buffet?

It's an all-you-should-eat buffet.

All the food options are healthy, and the plates

are specially designed for portion control.

So it's crappy food that we only get a little of?

Barney, this isn't food.

This is the food they feed to your food

before they feed it to you.

Guys, please.

Everyone's watching.

You're the "afters" to all their "befores."

At this place, you're the heroes.

I don't know, Barney.

I mean, yes, we're the only ones here

who would look good in tights,

but that doesn't make us heroes. Are you kidding?

These people would follow you to the ends of the earth.

Barring a steep incline or any big jump in humidity.

Mmm, wow.

I don't know why they call this roughage

when it goes down so smooth.

(sighs) We haven't even started this thing

and I've got sweat pouring out of every pit,

crack and skin fold.

Ah, you're fine.

This is just what it feels like to be healthy.

No wonder vegans are such jerks.

Okay, it's time to start.

Now, remember,

every dream I've ever dreamed

hinges on your performance.

No pressure.

Go!

(blows whistle)

(Virginia and Burt scream)

My name is yum yum gimme some

My name is yum yum gimme some

My name is yum yum gimme some

My name is yum yum gimme some...

(high-pitched gasping)

(panting)

(cheering, applause)

Oh, that was pathetic.

Are you two okay?

We're fine.

We're just stretching.

(wheezing): Our lungs.

Oh, my God.

You guys are in worse shape

than I thought.

I'm so itchy.

I know. Me, too.

Feels like I got gummy worms under my skin.

No, don't worry. You're gonna be fine.

We're here.

The contraband room.

While most Handles campers come with open hearts,

many also come with hidden pockets

filled with sugar, fat and salt, all of which ends up here.

Enough talk, Barney!

Yeah, let us in.

These are just sponges.

These cakes smell like urinal cakes.

Cake is cake. Give me that!

I'm doing this for your own good.

Barney!

What the fudge?!

Oh, how good would fudge be right now?

Hey, hey.

(high-pitched yelling) (whimpering)

Let us out!

No. I spent nine hours altering those photos,

and I brought you two up here

in the hopes of changing some peoples' lives.

But seeing the condition you're in,

I realize it's your lives that need changing.

We don't need changing, Barney!

Look at us. We're beautiful.

Every woman in this place would kill

for Virginia's breasts or her thighs or her wings.

Oh, my God, I'm hungry!

Oh, you're going through junk food withdrawal.

You look terrible!

That's just another one of your fat camp lies.

Get us a mirror.

Handles doesn't have any mirrors.

Ever since a guest shattered one and used the shards

to kill and eat a raccoon.

Oh, how good would raccoon be right now?

Trust me, I'm doing this for your own good.

No, no. No, no, no. No! No!

Barney!

(both yelling)

Ooh!

Maybe we can eat these.

How different can a packing peanut be from a circus peanut?

Oh, my God.

So different.

Maybe there's some sugar in this glass cleaner.

MAN: I wouldn't do that.

It tastes terrible.

What the hell? Shh.

(whispers): Is there somebody in here?

Who are you?

Kevin. They caught me smuggling candy bars,

and they locked me in here.

Well, there's got to be way out.

There is a way,

but it's impossible.

You have to walk up

two flights of stairs,

and then somehow scale a four-foot-chain-lit fence.

Then, if you manage to get over that,

well, it's still half a mile

of only partially-shaded road until the nearest town.

None of that sounds that difficult.

Well, I guess if you're a superhero or something.

So, there's no lasers or fields of landmines?

Don't need 'em.

There's a window behind that shelf,

but you'll never get through it.

Why?

Is it bolted or locked?

Painted shut?

Is it...?

(laughs)

Come on, Kevin. Come with...

Where is he?

What's weirder?

We both hallucinated the same overweight friend,

or a mop told us how to get out of this room?

BURT: I don't care.

We're out.

Oh.

Hey.

(gulps)

Finally.

Now let's get started on Little Jimmy.

Doesn't really help my confidence

when you call it "Little Jimmy."

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

I was just talking about our future son.

(doorbell rings)

(knocking)

Whoa! Jimmy.

Weird seeing you here.

Weirder than going out in a man-sized onesie?

My house got robbed.

I couldn't stay there, so I quickly changed

into my jammies and grabbed my go bag.

But why would you come here?

I always come here when I'm scared at night.

Okay, you know what? That's fine.

You can stay here, but

we are gonna be in the bedroom. Please don't bother us.

We'll see you in the morning.

You won't even know I'm here.

Now... where were we?

(Frank screaming, Sabrina shrieks)

Whoa. Are you okay?

Oh, you heard that?

Yeah, we did. What are you doing?

You're gonna wake up Hope and Maw Maw,

and it took us all day to put them down.

I forgot to mention I have stress-induced night terrors.

Oh.

Burt usually rocks me back to sleep.

With his guitar?

With his arms.

(sighs)

For a man who works outdoors,

he has a surprisingly gentle embrace.

Okay. Fine.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Hopefully, he'll fall asleep soon,

and then I can go back to bed and, you know, join you.

Hopefully, by then,

I will have completely erased this image from my brain.

Sabrina, I'm trying to sleep here.

Would you mind...? Shh.

And, Jimmy,

it wouldn't hurt if you put on a little of your dad's cologne.

Shh. Shh.

(yelling)

Oh. Oh.

Shh. Shh.

Oh, I can't wait to eat some

good food sold to me by a clown, a king or a plantation owner.

But we don't have any money.

I don't want to sell my body for nuggets, but I will.

(Burt sniffs)

Do you smell that? Is it? Could it be?

Oh. We're gonna live!

Hey.

(panting)

(grunting)

French fries!

Get in the minivan, kids. Get in the minivan now!

(grunts)

(both grunting)

GIRL: Zombies! Go, go, go!

Help! They're gonna eat us!

(muttering, moaning)

(people screaming)

I don't think this is working out for us.

That's okay.

I got a better plan.

I used to do this when Hope was a little baby.

It's called a "baby burrito."

Yeah, I remember.

Seeing what a good father

you were is what made me fall in love with you.

We still got 15 minutes left in my little baby egg window.

Let's go. (laughs)

SABRINA (laughing): Oh.

(phone ringing) HOPE: Mommy! Daddy!

MAW MAW: Oh, God, I'm blind!

Wait. Is it night?

(Frank screaming, phone continues ringing)

(crying) HOPE: Daddy?

No reason to ignore the phone now. (sighs)

(Sabrina sputters, Frank continues screaming)

Hello?

You're where?!

Jail. We're in jail.

Bring bail money and anything in the kitchen

with "high fructose corn syrup" on the label.

The higher the better! Yeah, higher the better.

(garbled radio transmission)

Now, you guys sit here and behave; and so we don't have

a repeat of the whole why-are-you-hitting-yourself

incident from the car, Hope's in charge.

Now,

what'd you guys do?

It's all Barney's fault.

Oh, Virginia!

Envelopes!

Unlicked!

Jackpot!

Ah, there you two are.

(grunting) Stay back!

We're not going back there, Barney!

No, no, no, no, no. I'm-I'm friendly.

Look.

Ooh...

It's okay, fella.

Mmm, mmm.

You guys, I am so sorry.

I got so caught up in getting my pants

on the Wall of Quadruple Excellence

that I lost sight of what it means to be truly inspirational.

You two don't have the same issues with food that I do,

and to think that locking you in a cage

would do you any good was wrong.

It's gonna take a lot more

than a couple sugar cubes to get us to forgive you, Barney.

I know. That's why I brought this.

Oh.

(shrieks)

He's got the good stuff!

We love you, Barney!

(siren whoops)

MAN (over bullhorn): Freeze, junkie scum!

Turns out, all that stuff was real candy,

which you were eating in a Dumpster.

So the only thing you're guilty of is being

gross, disgusting people who probably have hepatitis C.

Please leave this police station

and try not to touch anything on your way out.

These are for everybody, right?

Are we there yet? Not that I have

the faintest clue where we're going.

We're almost home, Maw Maw. Just go to sleep, okay?

(snoring)

I'm sorry about this.

I guess we missed our 72-hour window.

Honey, there's gonna be other windows.

And, like, it's really not the worst thing in the world

at we have to wait another year, right?

I'm not bummed about it if you're not bummed about it.

Oh, baby, I'm not bummed.

Plus, it's like, we already got the greatest kid in the world.

I guess we just enjoy being parents to Hope

and wait until the time is right.

Yeah, and, you know, like, I'm not not into practicing

as much as we possibly can until that time comes.

So, do you want to go to the pharmacy

and not not pick up condoms?

I don't not not want to do that.

You guys are not not grossing me out.

JIMMY: Barney didn't get his pants

on the Wall Of Excellence,

but he did find a place for them

where they could do some good.

Even though Barney lied to us,

I'm still glad we went to Handles. Me, too.

The detox was hard, but now that we're past it,

I'm really glad we're making smarter food choices.

Like these apples.

What does "GMO" stand for?

Oh. "God Made Organic"?

Probably.

And these apples are made with 70% synthetic corn.

Now, that's got to be healthy.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0