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1
00:00:02,025 --> 00:00:06,038
Maybe my best dessert ever.
2
00:00:07,166 --> 00:00:10,058
I call it Mount St. Melons.
3
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:12,179
See, the chocolate a
the strawberry sauce
4
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:15,649
is supposed to be the lava
after the big explosion.
5
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,318
I'm pretty sure people died
on Mount St. Helens.
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,787
Duh. What do you think the
screaming gummy bears are for?
7
00:00:20,822 --> 00:00:22,189
This is a lot of work, Mom.
8
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:23,957
You should have saved some
of this for your anniversary.
9
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,458
Oh, yeah. Are you guys
gonna do anything big?
10
00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:27,194
Nah, we're just going
to do what we always do--
11
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:29,062
give each other
homemade coupons.
12
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,373
(indistinct male voice on TV)
13
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:47,380
Ooh.
14
00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:55,989
That's it?
15
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,524
But you could do that any year.
16
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,992
Come on, this is
your twenty-fifth.
17
00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:00,927
Yeah, don't you want to
do something special?
18
00:01:00,962 --> 00:01:02,329
You know
we're not flashy people.
19
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:03,997
Okay, everybody stand back.
20
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:07,400
It's time for the humungous
dessert explosion!
21
00:01:18,713 --> 00:01:19,880
Oh. Huh.
22
00:01:20,715 --> 00:01:21,875
Must have put the firecracker
23
00:01:21,883 --> 00:01:23,083
too close
to the gooey lava center.
24
00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:25,218
Well, in that case,
let's dig in.
25
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,089
(laughs) How is it, Jimmy?
26
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:32,292
Good. Thanks for asking.
27
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,227
Whoo!
28
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,695
Here we go
29
00:01:35,730 --> 00:01:42,950
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
30
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:45,639
BURT: So, what are we talking
about here?
31
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:47,807
Six to one?
12 to one?
32
00:01:47,842 --> 00:01:51,111
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
33
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:53,413
Mm-hmm... Mm-hmm!
34
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:58,118
Well, I wish I was looking
at better odds here.
35
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,153
Hey.
36
00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:01,254
Who are you talking to?
37
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,056
Wrong number.
38
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:05,492
Plus, I was ordering a pizza
for next week.
39
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,494
You ready for bed?
Me, too.
40
00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:08,962
Yawn!
41
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,770
(snoring)
42
00:02:18,039 --> 00:02:20,307
VIRGINIA:
Jimmy,
43
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,742
we got a problem.
44
00:02:22,777 --> 00:02:24,945
Your father's gambling again.
What?
45
00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:26,980
He was hiding in the hot tub,
46
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:29,649
and I heard him talking
on the phone about odds,
47
00:02:29,684 --> 00:02:32,852
and when I asked him about it,
he over-explained.
48
00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:34,287
He gave me the double excuse.
49
00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:35,655
That doesn't mean he's gambling.
50
00:02:35,690 --> 00:02:36,990
You want to bet?
51
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:39,259
Every time he's ever given me
the double excuse,
52
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:40,927
it was to cover up his gambling.
53
00:02:40,962 --> 00:02:43,029
Oh, come on, just stay
within three points.
54
00:02:43,064 --> 00:02:45,298
Just stay within three points!
Burt,
55
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,500
are you betting on sports again?
56
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:49,269
No.
57
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,671
The remote just fell
under the coach.
58
00:02:51,706 --> 00:02:53,940
And... I'm trying out Islam.
59
00:02:53,975 --> 00:02:56,810
(chanting indistinctly)
60
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,278
No, not for me.
61
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,480
Too tough on the knees.
62
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,417
(Burt and others
chatting indistinctly)
63
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,323
Burt, are you playing poker?
64
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,792
No. This is a friendly game
of Crazy Eights.
65
00:03:12,827 --> 00:03:14,828
And... we're a book club.
66
00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:17,664
RACE ANNOUNCER:
Mixed Whiskey and Toy...
67
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,466
Run, Silver Charm! Run!
68
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,835
What are you doing?
Nothing.
69
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,169
Why do you have a racing form?
70
00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:25,672
I took this from a kid
on the playground...
71
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,475
to stop him from gambling.
72
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,510
And... I thought
it was a Chinese food menu.
73
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:35,515
Uh, moo goo gai pain, por favor?
74
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,651
Hey.
75
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,387
Well, if he's gambling again,
we got to confront him.
76
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:42,322
No. He's just gonna
deny it twice.
77
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:46,226
We got to find someone really
smart to catch him in the act.
78
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,495
I could set a trap for him
at Howdy's.
79
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:49,863
Yeah, that's probably better.
80
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,777
We don't have time
to find someone really smart.
81
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:03,076
Price check on
"He just walked in."
82
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:05,712
It's a new romance novel.
83
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,148
It's about a guy
who just walked in.
84
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,786
(sighs)
85
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,521
Hey, Burt. Uh,
my lottery guy
86
00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:16,256
accidentally gave me
some extra scratchers.
87
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:18,691
What do you say
I loan you a nickel,
88
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,260
and we rub off some dreams?
89
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,695
Oh, no, I gave up scratching
the silver squares, Barney.
90
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:25,632
Come on. I'll do it for you.
91
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,100
Oh, 25 bucks!
92
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,735
(laughs):
Ah, keep the streak
93
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,071
going, baby! Lady Luck's
your bitch right now!
94
00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:32,972
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's
not call her any names.
95
00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:34,374
I might be facing
some long odds,
96
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:36,443
and I kind of need Lady
Luck on my side right now.
97
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:39,612
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just
so keyed up about your success.
98
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:43,049
Maybe we should, uh, go
to my office and calm me down.
99
00:04:43,084 --> 00:04:44,617
Uh...
100
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:52,926
Well, what do we have here?
101
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:56,062
Who wants to play
a little B-I... G-O?
102
00:04:56,097 --> 00:04:57,230
B-I...
103
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:58,398
G-O.
104
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:02,235
Oh, guys,
I'm too tired to... Aah.
105
00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,404
I understand
where you're coming from.
106
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,239
I respect that.
107
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:08,341
I... 21.
108
00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:09,809
Standard rules, boys.
109
00:05:09,844 --> 00:05:11,744
No blackouts.
Got to pay to play.
110
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:13,947
I really don't want to play.
111
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,515
Hey, be cool. Be chill.
112
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:16,983
B... five.
113
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,618
Hey, I got that one!
114
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,487
I knew it. You're
gambling again!
115
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,322
What the hell?
What are you talking about?
116
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:24,591
They dragged me in here
for a game of bingo.
117
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:25,925
It's a gateway game.
118
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,627
Admit it. You have a problem.
119
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:30,130
Fine. I admit it.
I do have a problem.
120
00:05:31,065 --> 00:05:32,499
I have a lump on my testicle.
121
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,135
Oh...
122
00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:36,336
Oh-ho...
123
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:38,338
72.
124
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,706
O, 72.
125
00:05:43,059 --> 00:05:44,699
Why didn't you call
the doctor right away?
126
00:05:44,862 --> 00:05:47,406
I did call...
Dr. Tim's radio show.
127
00:05:47,531 --> 00:05:49,766
Dr. Tim is a love
and relationship doctor.
128
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,368
Well, I don't know about you,
129
00:05:51,402 --> 00:05:53,703
but I have a very loving
relationship with my testicles.
130
00:05:53,738 --> 00:05:54,871
But...
131
00:05:54,905 --> 00:05:56,039
your mother found me
132
00:05:56,073 --> 00:05:57,173
before Dr. Tim could
tell me what to do.
133
00:05:57,208 --> 00:05:58,274
I'm sure it's nothing.
134
00:05:58,309 --> 00:05:59,442
I found a lump once.
135
00:05:59,477 --> 00:06:00,677
Turned out to be no big deal.
136
00:06:00,711 --> 00:06:01,711
Do you remember
what it felt like?
137
00:06:01,746 --> 00:06:02,712
I'll never forget.
138
00:06:02,747 --> 00:06:03,947
What do I need a doctor for?
139
00:06:03,981 --> 00:06:05,482
I got Barney.
140
00:06:06,217 --> 00:06:07,384
You're an expert.
141
00:06:07,418 --> 00:06:09,519
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Burt, I'm not a doctor.
142
00:06:09,553 --> 00:06:10,720
It doesn't matter.
143
00:06:10,755 --> 00:06:11,721
You remember
what yours felt like.
144
00:06:11,756 --> 00:06:12,822
If mine feels the same,
145
00:06:12,857 --> 00:06:14,290
I know I got nothing
to worry about.
146
00:06:14,325 --> 00:06:17,694
I'm not qualified... and
you're definitely not Jewish.
147
00:06:17,728 --> 00:06:20,463
You're a grocer whose hands are
trained to handle ripe fruit.
148
00:06:20,498 --> 00:06:22,565
Come on, Barney. I'm desperate.
149
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,467
Okay. Um...
150
00:06:24,502 --> 00:06:26,069
let me find some plastic gloves.
151
00:06:26,103 --> 00:06:28,304
You used gloves
when you felt yours?
152
00:06:28,339 --> 00:06:31,074
No, I did not.
Well, then you shouldn't use 'em with Burt.
153
00:06:31,108 --> 00:06:32,475
It should be the same feeling.
154
00:06:32,510 --> 00:06:34,477
Thank you for that, Frank.
155
00:06:34,512 --> 00:06:37,847
Okay, um, uh, which one is it?
156
00:06:37,882 --> 00:06:39,749
Uh, Starsky.
And which one's Starsky?
157
00:06:39,784 --> 00:06:41,718
Obviously,
one on the driver's side.
158
00:06:41,752 --> 00:06:43,153
For accuracy's sake,
you're probably gonna want
159
00:06:43,187 --> 00:06:45,021
to be in the same position
you were in
160
00:06:45,056 --> 00:06:46,222
when you felt your lump.
161
00:06:46,257 --> 00:06:47,724
Why are you two here?
162
00:06:47,758 --> 00:06:48,925
Because if we weren't,
163
00:06:48,959 --> 00:06:50,927
you two would be doing
this totally wrong.
164
00:06:50,961 --> 00:06:53,463
I think they're right, Barney.
165
00:06:54,532 --> 00:06:56,533
Okay, um, let's...
166
00:06:57,868 --> 00:06:59,502
(whistling)
167
00:06:59,537 --> 00:07:01,738
Oh, this is definitely
bigger than mine.
168
00:07:01,772 --> 00:07:03,173
No, don't-don't
worry about that.
169
00:07:03,207 --> 00:07:04,507
I am taller than you...
170
00:07:04,542 --> 00:07:07,544
No, the lump is
slightly larger than mine
171
00:07:07,578 --> 00:07:09,045
and... rounder.
172
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,147
Mine was oblong.
Yeah.
173
00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:14,884
Now, texture-wise...
Oh!
174
00:07:14,919 --> 00:07:16,119
Ooh, don't press it like that!
175
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,253
You might dislodge it.
176
00:07:17,288 --> 00:07:18,855
Then we'll never find it
in my body.
177
00:07:18,889 --> 00:07:21,024
Burt, I don't think
that's the way the body works.
178
00:07:21,058 --> 00:07:22,625
What do you know?
You're just a grocer.
179
00:07:22,660 --> 00:07:24,627
Well, I wish
you would have had that attitude
180
00:07:24,662 --> 00:07:26,429
before you asked me
to fondle your giblets.
181
00:07:26,464 --> 00:07:28,531
Dad, you're going
to the doctor.
182
00:07:28,566 --> 00:07:33,403
Fine. I hate those guys,
but it's the right thing to do.
183
00:07:33,437 --> 00:07:35,238
Just don't tell your mother
about any of this.
184
00:07:35,239 --> 00:07:36,573
I don't want
to ruin our anniversary.
185
00:07:36,607 --> 00:07:38,408
While you're doing this, Barney,
186
00:07:38,442 --> 00:07:39,976
you ever get any hemorrhoids?
187
00:07:40,010 --> 00:07:41,244
(unzipping)
188
00:07:42,780 --> 00:07:44,814
When you said homemade coupons,
189
00:07:44,849 --> 00:07:47,217
I didn't expect them to be
so elaborate and beautiful.
190
00:07:47,251 --> 00:07:48,485
Let me see.
191
00:07:48,519 --> 00:07:50,887
"Good for one toenail clipping."
192
00:07:50,921 --> 00:07:53,056
Bet you never saw that
written in calligraphy before.
193
00:07:53,090 --> 00:07:55,291
Shouldn't these be
for something romantic,
194
00:07:55,326 --> 00:07:57,927
like sex or back rubs?
195
00:07:57,962 --> 00:08:01,097
Coupons for sex?
What am I, a whore?
196
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:04,601
(both laughing loudly)
197
00:08:06,604 --> 00:08:08,271
Good. You're back.
198
00:08:08,305 --> 00:08:09,506
How'd it go?
199
00:08:09,540 --> 00:08:12,342
Great. He's not gambling.
200
00:08:12,376 --> 00:08:13,743
Well, if he's not gambling,
201
00:08:13,778 --> 00:08:14,978
then, what took so long?
202
00:08:15,012 --> 00:08:16,980
Freak sandstorm.
203
00:08:17,014 --> 00:08:19,582
Plus, a family of ducks
were crossing the road.
204
00:08:19,617 --> 00:08:20,917
SABRINA:
What...?
205
00:08:20,951 --> 00:08:22,018
Mm-hmm.
206
00:08:22,052 --> 00:08:23,453
Either one of those
207
00:08:23,487 --> 00:08:25,655
excuses alone would have
been perfectly good.
208
00:08:25,689 --> 00:08:27,090
Mm-hmm.
209
00:08:27,124 --> 00:08:29,459
But together,
I smell something fishy.
210
00:08:29,493 --> 00:08:31,694
Oh, yeah. When Jimmy
uses a double excuse,
211
00:08:31,729 --> 00:08:33,663
it means he's lying
about something.
212
00:08:33,697 --> 00:08:35,932
I'm gonna find out
what's going on.
213
00:08:35,966 --> 00:08:37,500
Good. You two are married now.
214
00:08:37,535 --> 00:08:38,935
Lying and being deceitful
215
00:08:38,969 --> 00:08:41,571
to get information out of him
is your job, not mine.
216
00:08:43,874 --> 00:08:47,110
So, uh, you made that
appointment for the doctor yet?
217
00:08:47,144 --> 00:08:48,511
Oh, yeah, I called, but, uh,
218
00:08:48,546 --> 00:08:50,847
he's all booked up
for the next couple of weeks.
219
00:08:50,881 --> 00:08:52,515
And he's on vacation
in Bermuda.
220
00:08:52,550 --> 00:08:54,351
Interesting, because
I made you an appointment
221
00:08:54,385 --> 00:08:55,885
for Friday afternoon.
222
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,887
You had no right
to make an appointment for me.
223
00:08:57,922 --> 00:08:59,355
Obviously, I had to.
224
00:08:59,390 --> 00:09:01,891
And why are you so afraid
of the doctor anyway?
225
00:09:01,926 --> 00:09:05,028
'Cause doctors always
give you bad news.
226
00:09:05,062 --> 00:09:07,230
Promise you'll go to
the doctor on Friday.
227
00:09:07,264 --> 00:09:10,200
Okay, fine...
I'll go.
228
00:09:11,669 --> 00:09:13,670
(loud buzzing,
indistinct shouting)
229
00:09:18,576 --> 00:09:20,877
Hey.
230
00:09:23,013 --> 00:09:24,314
What'd you hear?
231
00:09:24,348 --> 00:09:27,183
Okay, so, it was a little hard
to hear over all the noise,
232
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:29,719
but I was able
to make out a few words.
233
00:09:29,753 --> 00:09:32,355
Anniversary, jewels,
234
00:09:32,389 --> 00:09:34,891
and something
about a dangling pair.
235
00:09:34,925 --> 00:09:36,492
Oh, my God.
236
00:09:36,527 --> 00:09:38,695
I'm getting diamond earrings
for my anniversary!
237
00:09:38,729 --> 00:09:41,297
(both screaming)
238
00:09:42,045 --> 00:09:43,612
(both screaming)
239
00:09:44,486 --> 00:09:47,689
You're getting earrings!
They're diamond earrings!
240
00:09:47,723 --> 00:09:50,725
(both laugh)
241
00:09:50,759 --> 00:09:53,361
I bet you they're not
just earrings, either.
242
00:09:53,395 --> 00:09:55,196
I bet they're nanny earrings.
243
00:09:55,230 --> 00:09:57,031
Nanny earrings? What nanny?
244
00:09:57,066 --> 00:10:00,301
America's nanny:
Fran Dress-cher?
245
00:10:00,336 --> 00:10:01,769
Burt must have heard me saying
246
00:10:01,804 --> 00:10:03,705
how much I loved the
diamond-style earrings
247
00:10:03,739 --> 00:10:05,707
she was selling on the
TV shopping channel.
248
00:10:05,741 --> 00:10:07,141
Experts do actually say
249
00:10:07,176 --> 00:10:09,243
that even though diamonds
may lose their value,
250
00:10:09,278 --> 00:10:11,713
that diamond-style earrings
stay exactly the same
251
00:10:11,747 --> 00:10:13,948
for all of eternity.
252
00:10:13,982 --> 00:10:16,718
Man, Burt has really
upped the ante on this one.
253
00:10:16,752 --> 00:10:19,053
How am I supposed
to give him a coupon
254
00:10:19,088 --> 00:10:21,656
to clip his toenails after
he's just given me jewelry
255
00:10:21,690 --> 00:10:23,891
created by the world's
top diamond scientists.
256
00:10:23,926 --> 00:10:26,894
Well, what is something
that Burt has always wanted?
257
00:10:26,929 --> 00:10:29,397
To be on Circus of the Stars.
Is that show still on?
258
00:10:29,431 --> 00:10:31,132
No. Now, if you
want to see stars,
259
00:10:31,166 --> 00:10:32,633
you have to watch
'em dance, dive
260
00:10:32,668 --> 00:10:34,235
or go to rehab
with Dr. Drew.
261
00:10:34,269 --> 00:10:36,237
You know what?
262
00:10:36,271 --> 00:10:38,606
I think I have a better idea.
263
00:10:42,845 --> 00:10:44,812
Frank, call the number!
264
00:10:44,847 --> 00:10:47,081
You really want
to keep playing?
265
00:10:47,116 --> 00:10:49,283
Yes.
I'm used to hearing this
266
00:10:49,318 --> 00:10:50,818
more than saying it,
267
00:10:50,853 --> 00:10:53,287
but this is getting
very uncomfortable for me.
268
00:10:53,322 --> 00:10:54,956
You may have won all my money,
269
00:10:54,990 --> 00:10:57,158
my grandmother's lucky keychain
and my burial plot,
270
00:10:57,192 --> 00:10:58,626
but my luck is about to change.
271
00:10:58,660 --> 00:11:00,628
Call the ball!
272
00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:05,633
I-18.
273
00:11:06,468 --> 00:11:07,268
Bingo.
274
00:11:07,302 --> 00:11:09,303
No! Impossible.
275
00:11:09,838 --> 00:11:11,773
One more game.
276
00:11:11,807 --> 00:11:14,008
You haven't got
anything left that I want.
277
00:11:15,978 --> 00:11:17,979
I bet there's one thing.
278
00:11:20,883 --> 00:11:22,784
I'm the new manager!
279
00:11:22,818 --> 00:11:25,653
Everyone's gonna get laid!
280
00:11:25,687 --> 00:11:27,655
(Frank laughs)
281
00:11:27,689 --> 00:11:29,323
I mean, sale on eggs.
282
00:11:33,162 --> 00:11:35,463
Whew, I gotta say, Virginia...
283
00:11:35,497 --> 00:11:38,866
a long, bumpy blindfolded
drive around town?
284
00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:41,903
You really nailed
this anniversary gift.
285
00:11:41,937 --> 00:11:43,471
But I'm glad we're home.
286
00:11:43,505 --> 00:11:44,972
No, Burt.
287
00:11:45,007 --> 00:11:46,541
We are at...
288
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:48,342
a dude ranch!
289
00:11:48,377 --> 00:11:50,311
Happy anniversary!
290
00:11:50,345 --> 00:11:52,547
Now you get
to finally be a cowboy.
291
00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:55,016
W... wow.
292
00:11:55,050 --> 00:11:56,217
Thanks, honey.
293
00:11:56,251 --> 00:11:57,718
(gunshots, Western music plays)
294
00:11:57,753 --> 00:11:59,253
MAN (on recording):
Cowboys and cowgirls,
295
00:11:59,288 --> 00:12:00,988
welcome to the Bar None Ranch
296
00:12:01,023 --> 00:12:03,191
and simulated
Western experience.
297
00:12:03,225 --> 00:12:04,826
Now here's your wagon master,
298
00:12:04,860 --> 00:12:07,829
the fastest gun north
of the Mississippi:
299
00:12:07,863 --> 00:12:09,063
Colt Palomino.
300
00:12:09,097 --> 00:12:10,131
(gunshot on recording)
301
00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:13,034
(gunshots on recording)
302
00:12:14,536 --> 00:12:16,571
(gunshot on recording) Whoa.
303
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:19,073
(gunshots on recording)
304
00:12:19,107 --> 00:12:20,608
Howdy.
305
00:12:20,642 --> 00:12:22,510
Welcome to the Bar None.
306
00:12:22,544 --> 00:12:25,012
I'm Colt Palomino.
307
00:12:25,047 --> 00:12:26,581
Let's get you city slickers
308
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:28,382
into some authentic
Western wear
309
00:12:28,417 --> 00:12:30,718
so you can have a real
frontier experience,
310
00:12:30,752 --> 00:12:31,853
right after...
311
00:12:31,887 --> 00:12:33,554
you sign these...
312
00:12:33,589 --> 00:12:35,389
rootin' tootin'
disclaimer forms.
313
00:12:35,424 --> 00:12:36,991
There, there, and there.
314
00:12:39,761 --> 00:12:40,862
Yee-haw!
315
00:12:40,896 --> 00:12:41,929
Oops, uh...
initial there.
316
00:12:43,265 --> 00:12:44,732
Yee-haw!
317
00:12:44,766 --> 00:12:47,535
Let's do some dangerous crap.
318
00:12:47,569 --> 00:12:48,569
(chuckles)
319
00:12:54,076 --> 00:12:55,042
Sabrina!
320
00:12:55,077 --> 00:12:56,377
Huh?
Uh, can you cover me
321
00:12:56,411 --> 00:12:57,378
for about an hour?
322
00:12:57,412 --> 00:12:59,547
I gotta go do something
with my dad.
323
00:12:59,581 --> 00:13:00,882
Where are you going, anyway?
324
00:13:00,916 --> 00:13:02,216
Ice-skating.
325
00:13:02,251 --> 00:13:04,218
And giving myself a haircut.
Really?
326
00:13:04,253 --> 00:13:05,520
Don't double excuse me.
327
00:13:06,321 --> 00:13:07,555
What's going on?
328
00:13:07,589 --> 00:13:08,656
My dad doesn't want
my mom to worry
329
00:13:08,690 --> 00:13:09,724
on their anniversary,
330
00:13:09,758 --> 00:13:11,626
but he found a lump
331
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,127
on one of his family jewels
332
00:13:13,161 --> 00:13:14,395
and he's supposed
to go to the doctor
333
00:13:14,429 --> 00:13:15,396
this afternoon.
334
00:13:15,430 --> 00:13:17,231
He's not going.
335
00:13:17,266 --> 00:13:18,733
Your mom took him
to some dude ranch.
336
00:13:18,767 --> 00:13:19,767
I gotta go pick him up!
337
00:13:19,801 --> 00:13:21,402
No! You can't just
leave me here.
338
00:13:21,436 --> 00:13:23,271
Frank's gone crazy with power.
339
00:13:23,305 --> 00:13:26,007
Wheel me to my condiment aisle.
340
00:13:26,041 --> 00:13:29,510
I need to see if my mustards
will pass muster.
341
00:13:29,545 --> 00:13:30,878
As you wish.
342
00:13:33,399 --> 00:13:35,759
JIMMY: While Mom was hoping to
have the time of their lives,
343
00:13:35,784 --> 00:13:37,418
Dad's ball lump had him hoping
344
00:13:37,452 --> 00:13:39,587
there was still timeleft in his life.
345
00:13:39,621 --> 00:13:40,621
Perfect.
346
00:13:42,157 --> 00:13:44,592
Okay... one, two, three:
347
00:13:44,626 --> 00:13:45,593
pork and beans.
348
00:13:45,627 --> 00:13:47,795
BOTH:
Pork and beans!
349
00:13:49,598 --> 00:13:51,766
Here's your souvenir photo.
350
00:13:52,935 --> 00:13:54,168
Here.
Oh, an instant photo.
351
00:13:54,202 --> 00:13:56,070
Oh, this is like getting
in a time machine
352
00:13:56,104 --> 00:13:57,638
and going all the way
back to 1983.
353
00:13:57,673 --> 00:13:58,639
Well, thanks for everything.
354
00:13:58,674 --> 00:13:59,907
We'll tell our friends.
355
00:13:59,942 --> 00:14:01,609
Whoa, there, partner.
What's your hurry?
356
00:14:01,643 --> 00:14:02,944
You got a rattlesnake
in your boot?
357
00:14:02,978 --> 00:14:04,812
We got a whole lot more
cowboying to do.
358
00:14:04,846 --> 00:14:06,447
Yeah.
It's our anniversary,
359
00:14:06,481 --> 00:14:08,516
so I got us the Big
Buckaroo package.
360
00:14:08,550 --> 00:14:09,784
That's right.
A full day of
361
00:14:09,818 --> 00:14:11,452
ranch-workin', cow-pokin',
362
00:14:11,486 --> 00:14:13,521
hat-wearin', spur-janglin'
cowboy work,
363
00:14:13,555 --> 00:14:16,023
culminating with you birthing
364
00:14:16,058 --> 00:14:19,160
a realistic-lookin' calf
from a real cow.
365
00:14:20,162 --> 00:14:21,963
A full day, huh?
366
00:14:21,997 --> 00:14:23,297
All right, What's next?
367
00:14:23,332 --> 00:14:25,132
First thing you gotta learn
368
00:14:25,167 --> 00:14:26,968
before you go out on the range
369
00:14:27,002 --> 00:14:28,636
is how to handle...
370
00:14:28,670 --> 00:14:29,670
Holy hell!
371
00:14:30,906 --> 00:14:32,373
Where'd you learn
to shoot like that?
372
00:14:32,407 --> 00:14:34,041
Blasting weeds, mi amigo.
373
00:14:34,076 --> 00:14:36,010
What's next?
374
00:14:42,184 --> 00:14:44,485
(playing tune)
375
00:14:44,519 --> 00:14:45,853
Okay, what's next?
376
00:14:48,023 --> 00:14:49,657
Whoo-hoo, I did it!
377
00:14:49,691 --> 00:14:51,492
98th time's a charm, huh?
378
00:14:51,526 --> 00:14:52,493
What an anniversary.
379
00:14:52,527 --> 00:14:53,328
Thank you, Virginia.
380
00:14:53,362 --> 00:14:54,328
Thank you, Colt.
381
00:14:54,363 --> 00:14:56,163
Yippie-ki-yay.
Uh, happy trails.
382
00:14:56,198 --> 00:14:57,898
Hi-ho, Silver!
Bonjour.
383
00:14:57,933 --> 00:14:59,266
Hold your horses, partner.
384
00:14:59,301 --> 00:15:00,868
The day ain't over.
Yeah, Burt.
385
00:15:00,902 --> 00:15:02,003
What's your hurry?
386
00:15:02,037 --> 00:15:03,170
We still haven't
done the best part...
387
00:15:03,205 --> 00:15:05,072
the trail ride.
388
00:15:05,107 --> 00:15:06,574
Yeah, you finished
the chores so quickly,
389
00:15:06,608 --> 00:15:09,377
we got an extra hour to ride all
the way to Ball Buster Canyon.
390
00:15:09,411 --> 00:15:10,511
Ooh...
391
00:15:10,545 --> 00:15:13,047
Name sounds nicer in Navajo.
392
00:15:13,081 --> 00:15:14,515
I would love to do
that with you, Colt,
393
00:15:14,549 --> 00:15:16,183
but we really gotta leave.
Hey, Burt,
394
00:15:16,218 --> 00:15:17,685
what is going on?
395
00:15:17,719 --> 00:15:19,520
I planned this whole day
396
00:15:19,554 --> 00:15:21,122
for our anniversary
397
00:15:21,156 --> 00:15:23,224
and it seems like
you're not into it at all.
398
00:15:23,258 --> 00:15:24,525
Where else do we need to be?
399
00:15:24,559 --> 00:15:26,193
Well, I left a popsicle out.
400
00:15:26,228 --> 00:15:28,062
I forgot to set the VCR
to record Columbo.
401
00:15:28,096 --> 00:15:31,198
Stop it. You've been
in a hurry all day
402
00:15:31,233 --> 00:15:34,268
and we're here in the most
romantic spot on Earth:
403
00:15:34,302 --> 00:15:36,037
the Bar None Dude Ranch.
404
00:15:36,071 --> 00:15:37,705
Much obliged, little lady.
405
00:15:37,739 --> 00:15:40,875
I hope you'll share that review
on duderanchfinder.com.
406
00:15:40,909 --> 00:15:42,476
Virginia, I can't explain why.
407
00:15:42,511 --> 00:15:43,744
You just have to trust me.
408
00:15:43,779 --> 00:15:44,779
We gotta leave right now.
409
00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:46,247
Okay.
410
00:15:47,749 --> 00:15:49,083
Nobody's going anywhere.
411
00:15:52,954 --> 00:15:54,789
Aw, balls!
412
00:15:57,972 --> 00:15:59,573
(horse whinnies)
413
00:15:59,607 --> 00:16:00,487
You stabbed our truck!
414
00:16:00,525 --> 00:16:01,550
Yeah...
415
00:16:01,596 --> 00:16:03,556
because I've been working
real hard on the finale.
416
00:16:03,581 --> 00:16:05,215
I poured my heart
into the campfire song
417
00:16:05,249 --> 00:16:07,037
and no one ever stays
to listen to it.
418
00:16:07,157 --> 00:16:08,490
Can you imagine anything worse?
419
00:16:08,525 --> 00:16:09,592
Yeah, I can.
420
00:16:09,626 --> 00:16:11,460
I got a lump in my testicle.
421
00:16:11,494 --> 00:16:13,429
Touch?.
What?!
422
00:16:13,463 --> 00:16:16,098
Starsky or Hutch?
I'm afraid it's Starsky.
423
00:16:16,132 --> 00:16:18,267
Oh, my God, he's my favorite.
424
00:16:18,301 --> 00:16:20,135
Yeah.
Are you gonna be all right?
425
00:16:20,170 --> 00:16:21,270
You should really see a doctor.
426
00:16:21,304 --> 00:16:22,438
Well, I was trying to.
427
00:16:22,472 --> 00:16:23,939
Then you stabbed our truck!
428
00:16:23,974 --> 00:16:25,507
I got a doctor's
appointment in 20 minutes.
429
00:16:25,542 --> 00:16:26,609
I didn't want to worry you
430
00:16:26,643 --> 00:16:27,610
or ruin our anniversary.
431
00:16:27,644 --> 00:16:28,777
Well, let's just call Jimmy
432
00:16:28,812 --> 00:16:29,945
and have him pick us up.
433
00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:31,714
Well, there's no
cell reception up here.
434
00:16:31,748 --> 00:16:33,449
That's why we call it
the Bar None.
435
00:16:33,483 --> 00:16:34,783
But don't you fret, ma'am.
436
00:16:34,818 --> 00:16:36,118
We'll ride you into town
437
00:16:36,152 --> 00:16:37,386
and we'll make
that doctor's appointment
438
00:16:37,420 --> 00:16:38,654
with time to spare.
439
00:16:38,688 --> 00:16:40,990
I am not getting on a horse
named Wrecking Ball.
440
00:16:41,024 --> 00:16:42,224
There's always Nut Cracker,
441
00:16:42,258 --> 00:16:43,359
but she's a little feisty.
442
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:44,293
(whimpers)
443
00:16:44,327 --> 00:16:45,661
Don't worry, Burt.
444
00:16:45,695 --> 00:16:46,962
We'll get you there.
445
00:16:46,997 --> 00:16:49,632
Hang on there, honey!
446
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:52,234
Now I know why they call it
dead-man style.
447
00:16:52,268 --> 00:16:53,669
'Cause you wish you were dead.
448
00:16:53,703 --> 00:16:55,504
I had to ride that way
for an entire day
449
00:16:55,538 --> 00:16:56,839
on an episode of Bonanza.
450
00:16:56,873 --> 00:16:57,673
You're an actor?
451
00:16:57,707 --> 00:16:59,041
Yes, ma'am.
452
00:16:59,075 --> 00:17:00,209
Started when I was nine,
453
00:17:00,243 --> 00:17:02,011
on an episode of Bonanza.
454
00:17:02,045 --> 00:17:03,479
What else were you in?
455
00:17:03,513 --> 00:17:05,814
Did I mention I was on
an episode of Bonanza?
456
00:17:05,849 --> 00:17:07,216
I was nine.
457
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:09,685
Been a bit of a dry
spell since then.
458
00:17:09,719 --> 00:17:11,654
But I just got new headshots.
459
00:17:11,688 --> 00:17:12,655
(groans)
460
00:17:12,689 --> 00:17:15,824
FRANK:
Give it up, Barney.
461
00:17:15,859 --> 00:17:17,326
I already won
everything you own.
462
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:18,394
Not everything.
463
00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:20,162
You don't have my soul.
464
00:17:20,196 --> 00:17:21,530
Hmm.
465
00:17:22,932 --> 00:17:25,200
I've always wanted
to have two souls.
466
00:17:25,235 --> 00:17:27,136
Okay, you're on.
467
00:17:29,205 --> 00:17:30,539
Aha!
468
00:17:30,573 --> 00:17:31,340
I knew it!
469
00:17:31,374 --> 00:17:33,175
Oh, all right, fine.
470
00:17:33,209 --> 00:17:35,177
I'm wearing
a magnetized bracelet.
471
00:17:35,211 --> 00:17:37,079
But I did this for you.
472
00:17:37,113 --> 00:17:38,347
What?!
473
00:17:38,381 --> 00:17:40,349
I know you've got
a gambling problem.
474
00:17:40,383 --> 00:17:42,918
I figured if I kept
you from winning,
475
00:17:42,952 --> 00:17:44,019
you wouldn't start again.
476
00:17:44,054 --> 00:17:45,187
The only thing is,
477
00:17:45,221 --> 00:17:48,057
turns out I've got
a cheating problem.
478
00:17:48,091 --> 00:17:49,425
I love it.
479
00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:52,061
Ow!
480
00:17:52,095 --> 00:17:55,230
Burt, you were smart
not to ride this way.
481
00:17:55,265 --> 00:17:57,866
I don't even have testicles
and this is no picnic.
482
00:17:57,901 --> 00:17:59,234
Neither is this.
483
00:17:59,269 --> 00:18:01,737
Did you know horses poop
while they walk?
484
00:18:01,771 --> 00:18:03,038
Oh...
485
00:18:03,073 --> 00:18:04,039
We got company.
486
00:18:04,074 --> 00:18:05,541
Aw, don't worry.
487
00:18:05,575 --> 00:18:07,015
The Indians around
here are friendly.
488
00:18:08,311 --> 00:18:09,812
Mr. Patel,
489
00:18:09,846 --> 00:18:11,413
thanks for the vindaloo.
490
00:18:11,448 --> 00:18:13,649
It's hard to get those
cumin levels just right,
491
00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:15,718
but you nailed it.
492
00:18:15,752 --> 00:18:16,752
Swadisht.
493
00:18:17,754 --> 00:18:19,688
(Burt grunting in pain)
494
00:18:21,157 --> 00:18:22,791
COLT:
Ah, told you I'd get you here.
495
00:18:22,826 --> 00:18:23,792
Okay, we're just in time
for the appointment.
496
00:18:23,827 --> 00:18:25,427
Let's get inside.
497
00:18:25,462 --> 00:18:27,396
You know what, I don't
think I need to go in.
498
00:18:27,430 --> 00:18:28,897
The horse fixed my lump.
499
00:18:28,932 --> 00:18:30,799
And I just made the whole
thing up to get attention.
500
00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:32,267
No more double excuses
501
00:18:32,302 --> 00:18:33,435
and no chickening out.
502
00:18:33,470 --> 00:18:35,504
Come on, let's get inside.
503
00:18:35,538 --> 00:18:37,239
Colt Palomino saves the day.
504
00:18:37,273 --> 00:18:38,307
You take your time.
505
00:18:38,341 --> 00:18:40,142
I'm going to mosey
across the street
506
00:18:40,176 --> 00:18:41,744
and get some water
for the horses
507
00:18:41,778 --> 00:18:43,779
and a double soy
half-caf macchiato
508
00:18:43,813 --> 00:18:45,447
with a touch of cinnamon for me.
509
00:18:45,482 --> 00:18:46,448
Come on, boys.
510
00:18:49,052 --> 00:18:50,252
This has to be the place.
511
00:18:50,286 --> 00:18:51,920
It's kind of
giving me the creeps.
512
00:18:51,955 --> 00:18:52,988
Me, too.
513
00:18:53,022 --> 00:18:54,123
Doesn't even seem like
514
00:18:54,157 --> 00:18:55,491
anybody's here.
515
00:18:55,525 --> 00:18:57,326
Hello?
516
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:58,761
(recorded gunshots, music playing)
(screams)
517
00:18:58,795 --> 00:19:00,596
COLT: Cowboys and cowgirls...
(gunshot)
518
00:19:00,630 --> 00:19:01,797
...welcome to
the Bar None Ranch...
519
00:19:01,831 --> 00:19:03,198
What the hell is this place?
520
00:19:03,233 --> 00:19:05,667
Now here's your wagon master...
Jimmy...
521
00:19:05,702 --> 00:19:07,336
They murdered
your parents' tire.
522
00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:08,771
...north of the Mississippi:
We gotta get out of here.
523
00:19:08,805 --> 00:19:10,439
Colt Palomino!
Come on!
524
00:19:10,473 --> 00:19:13,175
JIMMY: While we thoughtwe about to die,
525
00:19:13,209 --> 00:19:15,444
my parents found outthat Starsky's lump
526
00:19:15,478 --> 00:19:17,212
was just a fatty deposit.
527
00:19:17,247 --> 00:19:19,481
To celebrate that Dad'sBig Buckaroo package was fine,
528
00:19:19,516 --> 00:19:22,718
they let Colt putthe finishing touches on his.
529
00:19:22,752 --> 00:19:25,020
Some day
530
00:19:25,054 --> 00:19:27,623
When I'm a TV cowboy
531
00:19:27,657 --> 00:19:30,392
In the Hollywood Hills
532
00:19:30,426 --> 00:19:33,128
I'll sleep under
the star...lets
533
00:19:33,163 --> 00:19:34,963
And take lots of pills
534
00:19:34,998 --> 00:19:38,834
I'll wear alligator boots
and designer jeans
535
00:19:38,868 --> 00:19:41,804
Lasso through the roof
of my limousine
536
00:19:41,838 --> 00:19:45,707
I'll be the grandest cowboy
on the silver screen
537
00:19:45,742 --> 00:19:47,810
Yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay
538
00:19:47,844 --> 00:19:49,812
(yodeling quietly)
539
00:19:49,846 --> 00:19:51,380
I'm glad Starsky's okay.
540
00:19:51,414 --> 00:19:53,382
I wonder how he got
that fatty deposit.
541
00:19:53,416 --> 00:19:55,717
I blame Hutch,
he's always been jealous.
542
00:19:55,752 --> 00:19:57,486
I wish you would've
told me sooner.
543
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,488
I hope I didn't ruin
our anniversary.
544
00:19:59,522 --> 00:20:01,089
Of course not.
545
00:20:01,124 --> 00:20:02,558
Just knowing you're okay,
546
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:04,526
that's the greatest
gift I could get.
547
00:20:04,561 --> 00:20:07,830
I'll find a special lady
548
00:20:07,864 --> 00:20:10,332
And at night we'll ride
549
00:20:10,366 --> 00:20:12,291
The only gun shootin' blanks
550
00:20:12,737 --> 00:20:15,539
will be at my side
551
00:20:15,573 --> 00:20:19,009
well, she'll be my Dale
and I'll be her Roy
552
00:20:19,044 --> 00:20:21,545
we'll ride together on
the trail to eternal joy
553
00:20:21,579 --> 00:20:23,013
'cause you have sex
with a partner
554
00:20:23,048 --> 00:20:25,015
when you're a TV cowboy
555
00:20:25,050 --> 00:20:27,451
yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay...
556
00:20:28,954 --> 00:20:30,721
(whistles)
HOPE: Yee-haw!
557
00:20:30,755 --> 00:20:31,889
(Hope giggles)
558
00:20:37,562 --> 00:20:38,896
Thank you.
559
00:20:39,898 --> 00:20:42,433
A cowhand told me
you wanted this.
560
00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:43,701
I thought Sabrina told you.
561
00:20:43,735 --> 00:20:46,036
It's cowboy-speak.
Oh, right.
562
00:20:46,071 --> 00:20:48,038
Howdy, pilgrim.
563
00:20:48,073 --> 00:20:49,373
I like beans.
564
00:20:49,407 --> 00:20:50,607
(stops playing)
565
00:20:51,576 --> 00:20:53,544
(coyote howling)
566
00:20:53,578 --> 00:20:54,612
Yeah.
567
00:20:54,646 --> 00:20:56,413
(gasps) Oh, my god!
Mm-hmm.
568
00:20:56,448 --> 00:20:59,783
It's the Fran
Dress-cher earrings.
569
00:20:59,818 --> 00:21:01,719
The way the fire
reflects off them,
570
00:21:01,753 --> 00:21:04,254
they almost look
like real diamonds.
571
00:21:04,289 --> 00:21:05,889
Happy anniversary.
572
00:21:05,924 --> 00:21:08,058
Happy anniversary.
573
00:21:08,093 --> 00:21:11,262
Well, she'll be my Dale
and I'll be her Roy
574
00:21:11,296 --> 00:21:12,763
we'll ride together
on the trail
575
00:21:12,797 --> 00:21:13,964
to eternal joy
576
00:21:13,999 --> 00:21:15,232
'cause you're never lonely
577
00:21:15,267 --> 00:21:17,735
when you're a TV cowboy
578
00:21:17,769 --> 00:21:20,738
yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay
579
00:21:20,772 --> 00:21:23,974
yippie-ki-yippie-ki-
yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay.
580
00:21:24,009 --> 00:21:32,010
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
581
00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:36,610
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40420
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