Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,404 --> 00:00:04,090
I'm not sure she's ready
for her first sleepover.
2
00:00:04,210 --> 00:00:06,111
Maybe I should cancel my bachelor party.
3
00:00:06,146 --> 00:00:08,314
No, then I'll feel guilty about
having my bachelorette party,
4
00:00:08,348 --> 00:00:10,282
and I won't be able
to enjoy watching a...
5
00:00:10,317 --> 00:00:11,317
very muscular
6
00:00:11,351 --> 00:00:12,351
half-man, half-tripod
7
00:00:12,385 --> 00:00:13,986
gyrate in my no-fly zone.
8
00:00:14,020 --> 00:00:15,954
Well, there is not
going to be any of that
9
00:00:15,989 --> 00:00:17,623
happening at my party.
10
00:00:17,657 --> 00:00:19,391
We're just gonna be
hanging out, playing Mad Libs,
11
00:00:19,426 --> 00:00:21,990
see what it's like to play beer
pong sober-- never done that.
12
00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:23,310
And then, after a while, if we're still
13
00:00:23,344 --> 00:00:24,745
going strong, maybe we'll check out
14
00:00:24,779 --> 00:00:26,413
Jay Leno's take on the day's events.
15
00:00:26,448 --> 00:00:28,415
Oh, come on.
Don't make me do this alone.
16
00:00:28,450 --> 00:00:31,885
When we compare notes,
we should both feel shameful.
17
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,021
No, I mean...
the last time I went wild,
18
00:00:34,055 --> 00:00:35,522
I knocked up a serial killer.
19
00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:37,997
In fact, every time I've gotten
wild, I've made bad decisions.
20
00:00:38,026 --> 00:00:39,760
In high school, I became a Goth freak
21
00:00:39,794 --> 00:00:40,994
and I pierced my wang-doodle.
22
00:00:41,029 --> 00:00:42,162
That explains the whistling noise
23
00:00:42,197 --> 00:00:43,464
when we were getting frisky
the other night.
24
00:00:43,498 --> 00:00:45,065
You know, I thought somebody
put on the teakettle.
25
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,533
Nope.
26
00:00:46,568 --> 00:00:49,770
I've got a tiny, whistling hole
in my wang-doodle.
27
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
28
00:00:58,813 --> 00:01:00,414
What's that?
29
00:01:00,448 --> 00:01:02,483
Uh, nothing. Just some...
30
00:01:02,517 --> 00:01:05,619
boring girl stuff I bought
for the bachelorette party.
31
00:01:05,653 --> 00:01:09,523
So boring you had to hide it
in the vegetable crisper?
32
00:01:09,557 --> 00:01:11,258
(sighs)
33
00:01:11,292 --> 00:01:13,393
Okay, fine.
34
00:01:13,428 --> 00:01:15,395
It's a bag of penises.
35
00:01:15,430 --> 00:01:18,465
Whose are they, and why do they
have to be kept crisp?
36
00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:20,768
I went to the novelty store to
pick up some things for tonight,
37
00:01:20,802 --> 00:01:22,736
and I couldn't stop myself!
38
00:01:22,771 --> 00:01:25,038
They had penis hats, glasses, socks.
39
00:01:25,073 --> 00:01:26,406
But not all of it was dirty stuff.
40
00:01:26,441 --> 00:01:27,908
They also had
these salt and pepper shakers
41
00:01:27,942 --> 00:01:30,244
that were shaped like little mushrooms.
42
00:01:30,278 --> 00:01:34,047
No. Wait.
I just realized something.
43
00:01:34,082 --> 00:01:35,215
Ooh, I see
44
00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:37,751
you got some
vagina-shaped pasta.
45
00:01:37,786 --> 00:01:38,986
No, those are just shells.
46
00:01:39,020 --> 00:01:40,053
I stopped by Howdy's.
47
00:01:41,256 --> 00:01:42,422
That is not fair.
48
00:01:42,457 --> 00:01:44,158
You're gonna have a crazy night
with the girls,
49
00:01:44,192 --> 00:01:45,659
and for my first bachelor party,
50
00:01:45,693 --> 00:01:47,294
I don't know exactly
what's gonna happen,
51
00:01:47,295 --> 00:01:48,629
but I've heard the words "mocktails"
52
00:01:48,663 --> 00:01:50,764
and "jigsaw puzzles,"
so I don't have a good feeling.
53
00:01:50,799 --> 00:01:53,000
You should be proud
that your son isn't a pervert.
54
00:01:53,034 --> 00:01:55,335
I mean, we might have made
some mistakes here and there,
55
00:01:55,370 --> 00:01:58,605
but we were obviously classy
parents who made a good example.
56
00:01:58,640 --> 00:01:59,840
(oven timer buzzes) Ooh!
57
00:01:59,874 --> 00:02:01,475
My boner scones are ready.
58
00:02:02,376 --> 00:02:09,908
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
59
00:02:10,028 --> 00:02:11,985
Okay. That's the last word.
60
00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:13,754
So the story is,
61
00:02:13,788 --> 00:02:15,689
"I was 'bored'
62
00:02:15,723 --> 00:02:18,692
"in my 'bored' hat and went to my...
63
00:02:18,726 --> 00:02:20,160
"'boring' room, where I saw
64
00:02:20,195 --> 00:02:21,595
"a 'bored' that was eating my
65
00:02:21,629 --> 00:02:23,163
giant 'this sucks.'"
66
00:02:23,198 --> 00:02:24,264
I don't think that even makes sense.
67
00:02:24,299 --> 00:02:25,265
(knocking)
68
00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:26,266
(groans)
69
00:02:26,301 --> 00:02:27,801
(mumbles)
70
00:02:27,836 --> 00:02:28,802
Oh, hi, Tyler.
71
00:02:28,837 --> 00:02:30,277
Hey, I think you got the wrong house.
72
00:02:30,305 --> 00:02:31,438
We didn't order any pizzas tonight.
73
00:02:31,472 --> 00:02:32,773
I'm not here on pizza business.
74
00:02:32,807 --> 00:02:34,041
I'm a videographer.
75
00:02:34,075 --> 00:02:35,742
That's why I brought my assistants,
76
00:02:35,777 --> 00:02:37,244
my son and his friend,
77
00:02:37,278 --> 00:02:39,646
who was unfortunate enough
to be sleeping over tonight.
78
00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:41,648
The pizzas are our dinner
79
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,450
since the gentleman who hired us
80
00:02:43,484 --> 00:02:45,018
refused to provide food.
81
00:02:45,053 --> 00:02:47,154
It's a job, man, not a buffet.
82
00:02:48,890 --> 00:02:50,524
Frank, this doesn't need to be recorded.
83
00:02:50,558 --> 00:02:52,426
You could say that about every single
84
00:02:52,460 --> 00:02:54,528
Matthew McConaughey movie ever made,
85
00:02:54,562 --> 00:02:57,931
but that didn't stop Hollywood,
and it won't stop us.
86
00:03:01,302 --> 00:03:02,936
You're all going down.
87
00:03:02,971 --> 00:03:05,205
Though I guess that is kind
of the point of the game.
88
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,974
Bitches, you don't stand a chance.
89
00:03:07,008 --> 00:03:09,209
I have low self-esteem
and I'm hungry.
90
00:03:09,244 --> 00:03:12,446
I haven't paid
a speeding ticket since 1962.
91
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,548
You're about to see why.
92
00:03:14,582 --> 00:03:15,582
Okay. On the count of three.
93
00:03:15,617 --> 00:03:16,583
One,
94
00:03:16,618 --> 00:03:17,684
two...
95
00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:18,685
(doorbell rings)
96
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,220
Stripper time!
97
00:03:21,256 --> 00:03:23,323
Somebody order a pizza?
98
00:03:23,358 --> 00:03:25,192
Sabrina, we didn't order a...
99
00:03:28,429 --> 00:03:29,696
...a stripper.
100
00:03:29,731 --> 00:03:31,498
That's a real pizza guy.
101
00:03:31,532 --> 00:03:32,666
Please don't judge.
102
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,035
I get free pizza
and I sit in a car all night.
103
00:03:38,773 --> 00:03:41,908
Oh! Ah. I found
the corner piece.
104
00:03:42,328 --> 00:03:43,905
BURT: This is a bachelor party.
105
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:45,375
I want to go in the bathroom
and find a tiger.
106
00:03:45,409 --> 00:03:47,143
I want to get punched
in the face by Mike Tyson.
107
00:03:47,177 --> 00:03:49,345
I want to wake up on the roof
of a Las Vegas hotel.
108
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:50,480
Like that movie The Hangover.
109
00:03:50,514 --> 00:03:52,248
Didn't see it.
JIMMY: This is
110
00:03:52,282 --> 00:03:54,450
a low-key night-- we're not
gonna have that kind of party.
111
00:03:54,485 --> 00:03:55,785
You can turn off the camera.
112
00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:58,354
Nothing crazy is gonna happen.
113
00:04:00,290 --> 00:04:01,824
(knocking)
114
00:04:01,859 --> 00:04:03,860
Are you open?
115
00:04:05,195 --> 00:04:06,663
(knocking)
116
00:04:06,697 --> 00:04:08,164
Anyone there?
117
00:04:08,198 --> 00:04:10,767
Are you open?
118
00:04:10,801 --> 00:04:13,002
Hello?
119
00:04:13,037 --> 00:04:16,005
It's an emergency.
120
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,442
I can't eat my oatmeal without raisins!
121
00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:21,444
(sobs)
122
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:24,480
What the hell happened?
123
00:04:27,885 --> 00:04:28,851
(bleating)
124
00:04:28,886 --> 00:04:30,119
'Sup?
125
00:04:30,154 --> 00:04:32,455
(chittering)
126
00:04:40,058 --> 00:04:42,059
Oh, geez.
127
00:04:44,191 --> 00:04:45,450
Oh, boy.
128
00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:51,028
Oh, God.
129
00:05:02,341 --> 00:05:04,442
Top of the mornin'.
130
00:05:04,476 --> 00:05:06,310
Last night was wild.
131
00:05:06,345 --> 00:05:09,046
I'm not sure who remembers what,
but don't worry,
132
00:05:09,081 --> 00:05:11,615
Tyler and the kids
captured the whole thing.
133
00:05:11,650 --> 00:05:14,885
They're editing it as we speak.
134
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,121
'Sup, drunk white people.
135
00:05:17,155 --> 00:05:18,923
You can turn the cameras off.
136
00:05:18,957 --> 00:05:20,758
Nothing crazy is gonna happen.
137
00:05:23,428 --> 00:05:25,329
It's go time.
138
00:05:25,364 --> 00:05:28,899
MEN (chanting): Jimmy! Jimmy!
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!
139
00:05:28,934 --> 00:05:30,434
What in tarnation?
140
00:05:30,469 --> 00:05:33,871
(chanting): Jimmy! Jimmy!
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!
141
00:05:33,905 --> 00:05:37,408
Say hello to the boys
of Theta Delta Sigma,
142
00:05:37,442 --> 00:05:38,843
the hardest partying fraternity
143
00:05:38,877 --> 00:05:41,245
Natesville Vocational School
has to offer.
144
00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:42,613
(barking)
145
00:05:42,647 --> 00:05:43,647
FRANK:
I invited them to help
146
00:05:43,682 --> 00:05:45,950
give you the best night of your life.
147
00:05:45,984 --> 00:05:47,952
Frat guys? Kegs of beer?
148
00:05:47,986 --> 00:05:50,354
And a free slice of pizza
from two generous young...
149
00:05:50,389 --> 00:05:51,789
Ow. I'll eat chips.
150
00:05:51,823 --> 00:05:53,724
But it's still gonna be a great night!
151
00:05:53,759 --> 00:05:56,794
Frank, I said I didn't want a big party!
152
00:05:56,828 --> 00:05:58,529
I heard your words,
153
00:05:58,563 --> 00:06:01,332
but as your BFF--
best friend Frank--
154
00:06:01,366 --> 00:06:03,334
I also heard your thoughts.
155
00:06:03,368 --> 00:06:04,702
Frank!
156
00:06:04,736 --> 00:06:06,437
Stop this! Stop this!
157
00:06:06,471 --> 00:06:07,471
(grunting)
158
00:06:07,506 --> 00:06:09,607
(men barking)
(Jimmy shouting)
159
00:06:10,942 --> 00:06:14,378
(indistinct chatter)
160
00:06:16,815 --> 00:06:18,449
Barney Hughes,
161
00:06:18,483 --> 00:06:20,484
requesting permission to re-pledge.
Uh,
162
00:06:20,519 --> 00:06:21,619
re-pledge?
Well,
163
00:06:21,653 --> 00:06:23,133
22 years ago I pledged your fraternity
164
00:06:23,155 --> 00:06:24,588
when I was at Natesville State.
165
00:06:24,623 --> 00:06:27,425
I made it all the way to when
I had to swallow the goldfish.
166
00:06:27,459 --> 00:06:29,293
But... I chewed.
167
00:06:29,327 --> 00:06:30,461
I chewed.
168
00:06:30,495 --> 00:06:31,495
Gross, dude.
169
00:06:31,530 --> 00:06:33,197
Animal cruelty isn't cool.
170
00:06:33,231 --> 00:06:35,633
But if you want the honor
of calling yourself a T-Delt,
171
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,201
just run full-speed
into that tree.
172
00:06:42,707 --> 00:06:44,208
(grunts)
173
00:06:44,242 --> 00:06:46,210
(men groan over video)
174
00:06:46,244 --> 00:06:48,479
Porno! Porno! Porno!
175
00:06:48,513 --> 00:06:49,680
JIMMY:
Whoa! Frank,
176
00:06:49,714 --> 00:06:51,782
we can't watch porn
back here, all right?
177
00:06:51,817 --> 00:06:52,983
Neighbors can see it.
178
00:06:53,018 --> 00:06:54,819
Then they'll get ideas and come over.
179
00:06:54,853 --> 00:06:56,053
With wine coolers.
180
00:06:56,088 --> 00:06:57,855
Remind me to tell you that story.
181
00:06:57,889 --> 00:06:58,889
It's not porn.
182
00:06:58,924 --> 00:07:00,057
Aw!
FRANK: Look,
183
00:07:00,092 --> 00:07:01,759
it's no secret your fiancee and I
184
00:07:01,793 --> 00:07:02,760
don't get along.
185
00:07:02,794 --> 00:07:03,961
So I just want to make sure
186
00:07:03,995 --> 00:07:05,830
you have a clear picture
187
00:07:05,864 --> 00:07:08,866
of the woman
you're going to call your wife.
188
00:07:11,403 --> 00:07:12,870
(men groan)
189
00:07:12,904 --> 00:07:14,905
Deal-breaker!
190
00:07:17,375 --> 00:07:19,510
(high-pitched flatulence)
191
00:07:19,544 --> 00:07:20,911
MEN (chanting): Girls don't fart!
Girls don't fart!
192
00:07:20,946 --> 00:07:22,546
FRANK: You think that's (chuckles)
193
00:07:22,581 --> 00:07:24,081
disgusting, check out
194
00:07:24,116 --> 00:07:26,617
what she's gonna look like in 30 years.
195
00:07:28,019 --> 00:07:30,054
(men groan)
196
00:07:30,088 --> 00:07:32,556
FRANK: For lack of a stronger vocabulary,
197
00:07:32,591 --> 00:07:34,525
she looks like human diarrhea.
198
00:07:34,559 --> 00:07:36,794
JIMMY:
What can I say, Frank?
199
00:07:36,828 --> 00:07:38,829
I'm in love.
200
00:07:41,032 --> 00:07:44,001
All right, looks like
he still wants to do it.
201
00:07:44,035 --> 00:07:45,569
On to phase two.
202
00:07:45,604 --> 00:07:47,571
I was hoping you would change
your mind about this
203
00:07:47,606 --> 00:07:49,373
stupid marriage if we caught Sabrina
204
00:07:49,407 --> 00:07:50,768
cheating on you, but unfortunately,
205
00:07:50,775 --> 00:07:52,543
her party was pretty lame.
206
00:07:52,577 --> 00:07:54,578
207
00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:58,782
Honey! He's home!
208
00:08:04,289 --> 00:08:05,656
(muffled shouting)
209
00:08:05,690 --> 00:08:08,025
Are you okay?
210
00:08:08,059 --> 00:08:11,195
Oh, my God, did that hurt!
211
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:13,230
212
00:08:14,432 --> 00:08:16,734
Why does your stripper look like Brian,
213
00:08:16,768 --> 00:08:19,503
the chubby kid I went
to high school with?
214
00:08:19,538 --> 00:08:21,438
Hey. Jimmy Chance.
215
00:08:21,473 --> 00:08:23,107
Long time.
(chuckles)
216
00:08:23,141 --> 00:08:24,775
Quit staring, Jimmy!
217
00:08:24,809 --> 00:08:26,844
You're making this awkward!
218
00:08:27,879 --> 00:08:30,314
Ah. Aw, keg's dead!
219
00:08:30,348 --> 00:08:31,615
(all groan)
220
00:08:31,650 --> 00:08:33,451
Wh-Where we gonna get beer
this time of night?
221
00:08:34,286 --> 00:08:36,387
I have keys to a grocery store!
222
00:08:36,421 --> 00:08:38,255
(all cheer)
223
00:08:38,290 --> 00:08:41,525
MEN (chanting): Old pledge! Old pledge!
Old pledge! Old pledge!
224
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:44,495
Old pledge! Old pledge!
Old pledge!
225
00:08:47,632 --> 00:08:49,099
It's all for us!
226
00:08:49,134 --> 00:08:51,135
Take it all!
227
00:08:54,472 --> 00:08:56,273
Whoo!
228
00:08:58,743 --> 00:09:00,277
(bleating)
229
00:09:03,381 --> 00:09:06,183
(chuckling)
230
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,361
(chittering)
231
00:09:18,563 --> 00:09:20,297
Whoo-hoo!
232
00:09:20,332 --> 00:09:21,765
Yeah!
(men cheer)
233
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,200
FRANK: Everyone was having a good time,
234
00:09:23,235 --> 00:09:24,702
but I had a job to do.
235
00:09:24,736 --> 00:09:26,704
Pull!
236
00:09:26,738 --> 00:09:29,473
Since none of my plansto stop this wedding
237
00:09:29,507 --> 00:09:32,209
were working,I had to go to my last resort.
238
00:09:32,244 --> 00:09:34,211
Check this out.
Mmm.
239
00:09:34,246 --> 00:09:36,413
My sister's old wedding dress.
(chuckles)
240
00:09:36,448 --> 00:09:38,082
We should have a fake wedding.
241
00:09:38,116 --> 00:09:39,216
It'll be hilarious.
242
00:09:39,251 --> 00:09:41,218
To the happy couple!
243
00:09:43,021 --> 00:09:45,022
(groans)
244
00:09:50,895 --> 00:09:52,896
(all cheering)
245
00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:59,837
Frank, do you take Jimmy to be
your lawfully wedded partner?
246
00:09:59,871 --> 00:10:02,072
I do.
(chuckles)
247
00:10:02,107 --> 00:10:03,674
DANCIN' DAN:
And, Jimmy,
248
00:10:03,708 --> 00:10:06,043
do you take Frank to be
your lawfully wedded partner?
249
00:10:06,077 --> 00:10:07,711
I do.
250
00:10:07,746 --> 00:10:09,546
I always imagined
this would happen in Vegas
251
00:10:09,581 --> 00:10:11,615
in a little wedding chapel
while we're being chased
252
00:10:11,650 --> 00:10:12,950
by this little Asian guy.
253
00:10:12,984 --> 00:10:14,518
You mean like in The Hangover?
254
00:10:14,552 --> 00:10:17,054
Has everyone seen this movie except me?
255
00:10:17,088 --> 00:10:20,591
I now pronounce you husbands for life.
256
00:10:20,625 --> 00:10:21,692
Whoo!
(all cheering)
257
00:10:23,995 --> 00:10:26,263
MEN:
Married! Married!
258
00:10:26,298 --> 00:10:28,098
Married! Married! Married!
259
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:30,053
FRANK: And in case you're
wondering if it's legal,
260
00:10:30,068 --> 00:10:32,736
here's our marriage license.
261
00:10:32,771 --> 00:10:34,238
Hey, Jimmy.
262
00:10:34,272 --> 00:10:36,740
The egg delivery guy is here,
and I can't find Barney.
263
00:10:36,775 --> 00:10:38,008
Can you sign for it?
264
00:10:38,043 --> 00:10:40,044
Yeah.
265
00:10:41,546 --> 00:10:45,215
We're gonna need a witness to
prove Jimmy signed for the eggs.
266
00:10:45,250 --> 00:10:46,583
Yeah.
267
00:10:46,618 --> 00:10:49,086
So... sorry, Sabrina.
268
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,522
You can't marry Jimmy anymore
269
00:10:51,556 --> 00:10:53,704
because he's already taken.
270
00:10:54,959 --> 00:10:56,293
(laughs)
271
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:04,918
(grunting)
272
00:11:05,038 --> 00:11:07,992
Open the damn door, you little freak!
273
00:11:09,962 --> 00:11:11,868
Oh, the ex.
274
00:11:12,377 --> 00:11:13,511
This is uncomfortable.
275
00:11:14,746 --> 00:11:16,981
You listen to me.
Oh, my God.
276
00:11:17,015 --> 00:11:19,083
(sighs)
277
00:11:19,117 --> 00:11:20,489
I forgot.
You have this whole weird town
278
00:11:20,609 --> 00:11:22,159
and all those creepy dolls.
279
00:11:22,279 --> 00:11:24,649
They're not dolls, they're action figures.
280
00:11:24,769 --> 00:11:25,868
You better fix this, Frank,
281
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:28,136
because you are not
messing up my wedding!
282
00:11:28,171 --> 00:11:31,039
I'm sorry, but if I let you guys
get married,
283
00:11:31,074 --> 00:11:33,842
it'll mess up the plans
I made for Jimmy and I.
284
00:11:33,877 --> 00:11:37,646
I mapped out a whole
future for us. Look.
285
00:11:41,584 --> 00:11:44,987
First, I thought
we could learn how to surf
286
00:11:45,021 --> 00:11:47,823
and show off our ripped bods
to the chicks at the beach.
287
00:11:47,857 --> 00:11:49,958
Then, with your artistic talent
288
00:11:49,993 --> 00:11:52,461
and my love of frigid temperatures,
289
00:11:52,495 --> 00:11:55,898
I thought we could become
professional ice sculptors.
290
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:58,534
Then, in the off-season,
figured we could go to Spain
291
00:11:58,568 --> 00:12:01,036
and run with the bulls.
292
00:12:02,839 --> 00:12:04,673
Just because Jimmy and I
are getting married
293
00:12:04,707 --> 00:12:07,242
doesn't mean you guys can't
do all that cool stuff together.
294
00:12:07,277 --> 00:12:09,177
Seriously?
295
00:12:09,212 --> 00:12:11,179
Awesome.
296
00:12:11,214 --> 00:12:13,415
I've got a lot of other ideas, too.
297
00:12:13,449 --> 00:12:16,084
I'll be right back.
298
00:12:16,119 --> 00:12:17,853
(quietly):
What are you doing?
299
00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:19,254
I don't want to go surfing with Frank.
300
00:12:19,289 --> 00:12:21,890
I'm afraid of sharks
and jellyfish and sea lions.
301
00:12:21,925 --> 00:12:23,425
I don't think sea lions
are what you think they are.
302
00:12:23,459 --> 00:12:24,560
They're the kings of the ocean, right?
303
00:12:24,594 --> 00:12:25,827
No, not really.
304
00:12:25,862 --> 00:12:27,829
Look, we are dealing
with a mental patient here.
305
00:12:27,864 --> 00:12:30,499
We just have to tell him
exactly what he wants to hear,
306
00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:32,000
and then he'll give you the divorce,
307
00:12:32,035 --> 00:12:33,502
and then we can go get married.
308
00:12:33,536 --> 00:12:34,870
FRANK:
We are going to have
309
00:12:34,904 --> 00:12:35,904
so much fun.
310
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:38,807
How familiar are you
311
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:42,711
with the game I just invented
called unicycle lacrosse?
312
00:12:42,745 --> 00:12:44,947
Yeah.
313
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:47,583
Listen, I'm at a client's house.
314
00:12:47,617 --> 00:12:49,618
I can't discuss this right now.
315
00:12:49,652 --> 00:12:52,521
Well, I don't think you should
wear a bow tie to the meeting.
316
00:12:53,556 --> 00:12:55,524
Sorry about that.
317
00:12:55,558 --> 00:12:57,359
Trouble with another client.
318
00:12:57,393 --> 00:12:59,795
Sorry I'm late.
319
00:12:59,829 --> 00:13:01,897
I was having trouble with my lawyer.
320
00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:02,898
Wait.
321
00:13:02,932 --> 00:13:04,433
You're representing him, too?
322
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:08,070
Oh, I'm afraid that's
attorney-client privilege.
323
00:13:08,104 --> 00:13:09,738
But since you're also my client,
324
00:13:09,772 --> 00:13:12,407
I think I can say yes.
325
00:13:12,442 --> 00:13:14,076
An unusual tactic.
326
00:13:14,110 --> 00:13:15,877
I want to see where this goes.
327
00:13:15,912 --> 00:13:17,379
But be warned, counselor.
328
00:13:17,413 --> 00:13:19,247
You're on a short leash.
329
00:13:19,282 --> 00:13:20,449
(whispering):
Law and Order.
330
00:13:20,483 --> 00:13:21,450
WALLY:
Okay.
331
00:13:21,484 --> 00:13:22,851
Before my client
332
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,586
signs these divorce papers,
333
00:13:24,621 --> 00:13:27,489
he's requested that you sign
a postnuptial agreement.
334
00:13:27,523 --> 00:13:31,793
Which my client has full right
to refuse to sign.
335
00:13:31,828 --> 00:13:34,329
You'll sign, or we'll see you in court.
336
00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:37,966
"I, Jimmy Chance,
337
00:13:38,001 --> 00:13:40,302
"promise to build birdhouses
with Frank Marolla,
338
00:13:40,336 --> 00:13:43,271
"go on a hot air balloon ride,
339
00:13:43,306 --> 00:13:45,340
"do monthly mole check.
340
00:13:45,375 --> 00:13:47,376
"If I should fail
to fulfill these duties,
341
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,478
"I hereby relinquish the rights
to my van
342
00:13:49,512 --> 00:13:51,413
"and custody of my daughter,
what's-her-name,
343
00:13:51,447 --> 00:13:53,248
"who will then "be raised by Frank
344
00:13:53,282 --> 00:13:54,349
"and immediately renamed
345
00:13:54,384 --> 00:13:56,018
She-Frank."
346
00:13:56,052 --> 00:13:57,319
I'm not signing this.
347
00:13:57,353 --> 00:13:59,321
Well, why not?
348
00:13:59,355 --> 00:14:02,090
It's just all the things
you promised we'd do together.
349
00:14:02,125 --> 00:14:04,826
Because I don't want
to do any of that stuff, Frank.
350
00:14:04,861 --> 00:14:07,863
I just want to marry the girl
I love, and if you were
351
00:14:07,897 --> 00:14:09,631
a real friend, you'd understand that.
352
00:14:09,666 --> 00:14:10,932
Great point, Jimmy.
353
00:14:10,967 --> 00:14:13,835
Frank, how could you let him
say that to you?
354
00:14:13,870 --> 00:14:15,937
I knew this was a mistake.
355
00:14:15,972 --> 00:14:18,440
Never should have agreed
to this stupid meeting.
356
00:14:22,245 --> 00:14:23,979
This is far from over!
357
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,184
I think we're in pretty good shape.
358
00:14:29,218 --> 00:14:30,519
This is crazy.
359
00:14:30,553 --> 00:14:31,687
Right? I've
got to be able
360
00:14:31,721 --> 00:14:33,188
to get a divorce without him.
361
00:14:33,222 --> 00:14:36,191
You get him to sign it,
and it'll be quick and easy.
362
00:14:36,225 --> 00:14:39,061
But if not, and his lawyer
gets wind of this,
363
00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:41,063
which he just did,
364
00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:43,331
then they can really drag this out.
365
00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:45,000
Which I fully intend to do.
366
00:14:45,034 --> 00:14:46,234
What if someone cuts Frank's brake lines
367
00:14:46,269 --> 00:14:47,636
and he died in a fiery car crash?
368
00:14:47,670 --> 00:14:48,804
I'm spit-balling here.
369
00:14:48,838 --> 00:14:50,105
If anybody's got a better idea
370
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,973
how to kill Frank and get away with it,
371
00:14:52,008 --> 00:14:53,141
the floor is yours.
372
00:14:53,176 --> 00:14:54,309
Wait a minute.
373
00:14:54,343 --> 00:14:55,711
If he wants to be married to Jimmy,
374
00:14:55,745 --> 00:14:56,945
maybe we should see
375
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:59,147
if he really wants
to be married to Jimmy.
376
00:14:59,182 --> 00:15:00,649
That's a great idea.
377
00:15:00,683 --> 00:15:03,318
Jimmy should pressure him
for sex constantly.
378
00:15:03,352 --> 00:15:05,487
He'll enjoy it
for the first couple of months,
379
00:15:05,521 --> 00:15:07,422
but eventually,
it'll just turn into a chore.
380
00:15:07,457 --> 00:15:08,990
VIRGINIA: No, I'm not saying they should
381
00:15:09,025 --> 00:15:10,559
conjugate the marriage, Burt.
382
00:15:10,593 --> 00:15:12,160
I just think Frank should see
383
00:15:12,195 --> 00:15:15,030
what it's really like spending
all his time with Jimmy.
384
00:15:15,064 --> 00:15:17,032
(phone ringing)
385
00:15:17,066 --> 00:15:18,900
Wally Phipps.
386
00:15:18,935 --> 00:15:20,969
Oh. You were brilliant,
387
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:23,071
and that bow tie did look great.
388
00:15:23,106 --> 00:15:24,339
(laughs)
389
00:15:24,373 --> 00:15:28,243
Oh, those Chances don't
have a chance of winning.
390
00:15:28,277 --> 00:15:29,511
Yeah.
391
00:15:29,545 --> 00:15:33,048
I don't have a fancy pun for "Frank,"
392
00:15:33,082 --> 00:15:34,850
but we're gonna destroy him.
393
00:15:34,884 --> 00:15:36,918
Oh, wait.
394
00:15:36,953 --> 00:15:38,620
I'm speaking to you frankly.
395
00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:39,955
(laughs)
396
00:15:39,989 --> 00:15:41,389
Nailed it.
397
00:15:46,388 --> 00:15:48,356
All right, Frank thinks
398
00:15:48,390 --> 00:15:49,734
spending all his time
with Jimmy would be great.
399
00:15:49,850 --> 00:15:52,519
But what he doesn't know is what
a pain in the ass you are.
400
00:15:52,553 --> 00:15:53,520
What are you talking about?
401
00:15:53,554 --> 00:15:55,121
You've got some annoying habits.
402
00:15:55,156 --> 00:15:57,290
Like when you sing in the shower.
403
00:15:57,324 --> 00:16:00,460
JIMMY (off-key):
I've been working on the railroad
404
00:16:00,494 --> 00:16:03,296
All the livelong day
405
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:06,266
I've been working
on the railroad
406
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,301
Just to pass the time...
(toilet flushing)
407
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,803
(screaming)
408
00:16:09,837 --> 00:16:10,970
SABRINA:
And when you're irritated,
409
00:16:11,005 --> 00:16:12,572
you do a play-by-play
of your every move.
410
00:16:12,606 --> 00:16:15,675
Oh, great, you ate
the last of the cookies.
411
00:16:15,709 --> 00:16:18,244
Now I've got to pick up the plate,
412
00:16:18,279 --> 00:16:21,381
walk back to the kitchen,
413
00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:23,116
put the plate in the sink.
414
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:24,450
(glass breaking)
415
00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:26,553
Pick up the broken pieces.
416
00:16:26,587 --> 00:16:28,087
Ah, God!
417
00:16:28,122 --> 00:16:30,190
Cut my finger.
418
00:16:30,224 --> 00:16:32,258
Now I've got to look
for a Band-Aid.
419
00:16:32,293 --> 00:16:34,360
And, of course,
there are none in the drawer.
420
00:16:34,395 --> 00:16:36,729
But I found some cookies.
421
00:16:36,764 --> 00:16:39,299
Walking back into the living room.
422
00:16:41,202 --> 00:16:43,703
And I'm sitting back down.
423
00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:46,272
Only to see you drank
the last of the milk.
424
00:16:46,307 --> 00:16:47,841
Getting up again...
425
00:16:47,875 --> 00:16:49,108
BURT:
It drives me crazy
426
00:16:49,143 --> 00:16:51,344
when you only drink half of every soda.
427
00:16:53,547 --> 00:16:55,515
Jimmy!
428
00:16:55,549 --> 00:16:57,884
Without the bubbles,
my tongue gets the flavor,
429
00:16:57,918 --> 00:16:59,619
but my nose doesn't get the tickle.
430
00:16:59,653 --> 00:17:01,454
Puts my whole face out of whack.
431
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:04,457
I mean, these are all just bad habits.
432
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:07,060
I mean, look, somebody could
have just said something.
433
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:08,361
That's annoying, too.
434
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:10,129
How you always make everything
our fault.
435
00:17:10,164 --> 00:17:11,130
Totally.
436
00:17:11,165 --> 00:17:12,532
Oh, yeah.
437
00:17:12,566 --> 00:17:15,201
All right, fine.
I'm annoying.
438
00:17:15,236 --> 00:17:16,736
I'll just go and get Frank
439
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:19,205
to divorce me by being myself.
440
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:20,506
And I'm headed to the door.
441
00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:21,975
I'm grabbing my jacket.
442
00:17:22,009 --> 00:17:23,209
Ugh!
443
00:17:23,244 --> 00:17:25,011
Looking for my shoes.
Ugh.
444
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:26,379
Looking...
445
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:27,847
The first thing I had to do
446
00:17:27,882 --> 00:17:29,549
was go to Frank's and make him believe
447
00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:31,084
I was really moving in.
448
00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:32,752
Jimmy?
(loudly): Okay.
449
00:17:32,786 --> 00:17:36,055
Fine. You know what?! It's over!
450
00:17:36,090 --> 00:17:39,192
Whoa. What
happened there?
451
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,461
What can I say, Frank? Bitches.
452
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:43,763
Does your offer still stand
to live here?
453
00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:45,365
Are you kidding?
454
00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:47,267
Our monogrammed towels
got here this morning.
455
00:17:47,301 --> 00:17:49,402
Of course it still stands.
456
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:51,070
Make yourself at home, hubby.
457
00:17:51,105 --> 00:17:53,806
JIMMY: First, I tried
annoying him in the bathroom.
458
00:17:53,841 --> 00:17:56,843
JIMMY (off-key):
Someone's in the kitchen, I know
459
00:17:56,877 --> 00:17:59,445
Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah
460
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,915
Strummin' on the old banjo
461
00:18:01,949 --> 00:18:04,250
FRANK:
Fee, fie, fiddly-i-ay
462
00:18:04,285 --> 00:18:06,953
Fee, fie,
fiddly-i-o
463
00:18:06,987 --> 00:18:09,455
Fee, fie, fiddly-i-ay
464
00:18:09,490 --> 00:18:11,891
Strummin' on the old banjo.
465
00:18:13,394 --> 00:18:15,261
JIMMY: Then I tried annoying
him in the kitchen.
466
00:18:15,296 --> 00:18:18,765
Awesome. I always said the
problem with soda is that
467
00:18:18,799 --> 00:18:22,035
it's too bubbly, and there's
too much of it in each can.
468
00:18:22,069 --> 00:18:25,371
JIMMY: Some things I didn't
even get a chance to try.
469
00:18:25,406 --> 00:18:26,639
What are you doing in there?
470
00:18:26,674 --> 00:18:28,207
JIMMY: I'm looking for a glass.
471
00:18:28,242 --> 00:18:29,509
What about now?
472
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:31,711
Rinsing the glass out.
473
00:18:31,745 --> 00:18:33,046
And now?
474
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:34,681
Still rinsing.
475
00:18:34,715 --> 00:18:36,082
Gonna be a couple minutes.
476
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,984
You want some company?
477
00:18:38,018 --> 00:18:41,120
JIMMY: Turns out Frank was so happy
to have someone in his life,
478
00:18:41,155 --> 00:18:42,655
he didn't care what I did.
479
00:18:42,690 --> 00:18:45,291
And that actually made beingmarried to him kind of fun.
480
00:18:45,326 --> 00:18:47,327
(knocking)
BURT: Psst! Jimmy!
481
00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:51,631
It's been three days.
What's the holdup?
482
00:18:51,665 --> 00:18:53,333
Leave me alone.
All right, I'm working on it.
483
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:55,201
Work faster. We got sick
of explaining where you were,
484
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:56,903
so we told Hope you were mad at her.
485
00:18:56,937 --> 00:18:58,237
The longer this goes on,
486
00:18:58,272 --> 00:18:59,772
the worse that decision looks.
487
00:18:59,807 --> 00:19:01,808
Maybe it's time
to tell Frank to take a drive.
488
00:19:01,842 --> 00:19:03,309
You know,
489
00:19:03,344 --> 00:19:04,811
down a long road, by a steep cliff.
490
00:19:05,713 --> 00:19:07,780
What? I'm just kidding.
491
00:19:07,815 --> 00:19:09,782
What? I didn't cut
his brake lines.
492
00:19:09,817 --> 00:19:12,185
FRANK:
Jimmy, your sardines are ready.
493
00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:13,353
I'll be right there!
494
00:19:13,387 --> 00:19:14,687
Busting out the big guns, huh?
495
00:19:14,722 --> 00:19:16,489
I forgot how you like
to eat those stinky sardines.
496
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:17,657
He's gonna hate that.
497
00:19:17,691 --> 00:19:19,158
Yeah, he does hate it,
but you know what?
498
00:19:19,193 --> 00:19:20,159
He doesn't just secretly
499
00:19:20,194 --> 00:19:21,627
judge me for my annoying habits
500
00:19:21,662 --> 00:19:22,695
like the rest of you.
501
00:19:22,730 --> 00:19:24,797
He loves me for who I am.
502
00:19:24,832 --> 00:19:26,366
There's no way he loves you, Jimmy.
503
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:27,767
You're going to wind up living
504
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:29,769
in a cage in the basement, I feel it.
505
00:19:29,803 --> 00:19:31,504
JIMMY: Frank is a
wonderful person.
506
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:34,140
He doesn't yell at me for
leaving my towel on the floor,
507
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,708
or complain that I'm a horrible singer.
508
00:19:35,743 --> 00:19:37,610
No. He harmonizes
509
00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,078
and brings me on-key.
510
00:19:39,113 --> 00:19:41,381
And if that isn't a metaphor,
I don't know what is.
511
00:19:41,415 --> 00:19:43,249
I'm serious. I don't know
what a metaphor is.
512
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,284
Frank wouldn't judge me for that.
513
00:19:45,319 --> 00:19:47,286
(sighs)
514
00:19:47,321 --> 00:19:49,188
Jimmy,
515
00:19:49,223 --> 00:19:52,392
I just wanted to say
that these last few days
516
00:19:52,426 --> 00:19:55,161
have been better
than I could have ever imagined.
517
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:57,363
(sighs)
518
00:19:57,398 --> 00:19:59,365
I've never really had
a relationship before,
519
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,367
and every moment with you
520
00:20:01,402 --> 00:20:02,735
has been a revelation.
521
00:20:02,770 --> 00:20:04,737
I know exactly how you feel.
522
00:20:04,772 --> 00:20:07,106
I've never felt so
accepted for who I am.
523
00:20:07,141 --> 00:20:09,242
Me, neither.
Mmm.
524
00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:10,510
(sighs)
525
00:20:10,544 --> 00:20:12,045
But here's the thing.
526
00:20:12,079 --> 00:20:14,013
I think I might rather try it
with a girl.
527
00:20:14,048 --> 00:20:15,048
A girl?
528
00:20:15,082 --> 00:20:17,650
Yeah, you know, for the sex part.
529
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:20,219
So, you're breaking up with me?
530
00:20:20,254 --> 00:20:21,654
Just like that?
531
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:24,190
But there's so much stuff
that I wanted us to do together.
532
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:25,858
Well, we can still be friends, Jimmy.
533
00:20:25,893 --> 00:20:27,727
It's not like
we'll never see each other.
534
00:20:27,761 --> 00:20:29,595
We'll always have Howdy's.
535
00:20:31,065 --> 00:20:32,598
Let me drive you home.
536
00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:35,401
Whoa! Frank, no!
Um, let's walk.
537
00:20:35,436 --> 00:20:37,036
I mean, it's beautiful out.
538
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,573
Sabrina cut my brakes, didn't she?
539
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:41,707
Yeah, probably.
540
00:20:43,444 --> 00:20:46,161
That's a damn fine woman
you got there, Jimmy.
541
00:20:46,839 --> 00:20:47,851
Damn fine.
542
00:20:48,186 --> 00:20:50,096
So, the next day,
543
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:52,720
Frank and I called Wallyand got a divorce.
544
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,707
But not beforeI added a post-nup
545
00:20:54,827 --> 00:20:56,693
to make sure we'd always stay friends.
546
00:20:58,217 --> 00:21:01,748
I now pronounce you
ex-husband and ex-wife.
547
00:21:02,170 --> 00:21:04,364
You may now kiss your fianc?e.
548
00:21:08,242 --> 00:21:09,825
FRANK: When I finally find the one,
549
00:21:10,121 --> 00:21:12,319
I hope you'll at least
consider swapping.
550
00:21:12,766 --> 00:21:23,248
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
551
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,138
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
552
00:21:27,188 --> 00:21:31,738
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39083
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof